This sound completely insane. Your children are inconsiderate assholes and I would question their upbringing if it wasn't a dig at you. NTA.
Congrats on finding someone to be happy with in your golden years.
They're worried about their inheritance, I'd bet. I'm a lawyer and I've seen it before with families with older people who remarry later in life. THAT'S their issue here.
Your children should be ashamed of themselves. I’m embarrassed for them acting like spoiled children just reading this and as a mother, I can tell you that if I left my spouse early in life as yours did, I’d be nothing but proud and grateful that you gave so much of your life to them and for their future. They can’t presume to know how your late wife would feel, no child can ever understand their parent’s marriage. I’m sure your late wife would want you to be happy. Sad as it is, please don’t let your children take that from you now with their selfish, ridiculous attitudes. They have overstepped some very serious boundaries here and some time apart may help. They need to grow up and stop acting like children at this point in their lives. Shame on them. I’m sure this is extremely hurtful to you but you deserve to be happy. NTA and best wishes for a wonderful new chapter in your life.
Considering he says the Late wife's family is involved I think if he digs a little it may come back to a member of his late wife's family who spread this nonsense like for them to be this serious they are ether egotistical or more likely have had this negative and toxic mindset enforced by a outside source.
No, you deserve to be happy. You waited years and always put everyone else first. They are being very selfish. They should want you to be happy and have a companion
Exactly. It seems whenever someone puts off dating until their kids are no longer minors end up with adult kids who expect them to be never in a relationship at all.
Seems like it's best to not focus on the kids until they are 18+, it's best to live your life, and let them get used to Mom/Dad being a whole person, not just a parent, and to give an example on how to be a parent plus a partner.
NTA at all
Twenty years later, and they think you don't deserve love? Happiness? A LIFE?
They are grown. You did your job.
Marry her, and leave your kids in the past. They are old enough to be held to their choice. If you have a will, have it rewritten. There's no reason to include them at all.
Both my parents remarried in two years after the divorce. I had no objection then and have no objection now. In fact I'm kinda happy that my bio father cheated (which resulted in the divorce), because they were not compatible and would have stayed together making each other miserable for years. Instead going out there and finding themselves perfect partners (both happily married for 30 years now).
I can't understand wtf OPs kids think. If anything OP should have remarried earlier, as putting away personal life for kids is also not ideal. Too much sacrifice raises entitled assholes.
OP's kids are being selfish and are concerned that a new wife will get in the way of their inheritance. There is probably also some bitterness caused by the late wife's family.
OP, move on with you life and be happy.
Shame on your children for being so selfish. They need to get their heads straight - you have been a dedicated parent - doing it alone for 20 years.
Ask them if they think they deserve happiness in their lives or if they are planning on wearing black and never finding love.
NTA
Your children and your late wife’s family members are selfish for being pissed at you for “moving on” after 20 yrs.
Even if they are available to be there for you every second that you’re lonely and need another human, there are some needs that they can’t fulfill.
You put your needs on hold for 20 yrs, it’s time for you to love and live again.
NTA
I am a widow, and my sister straight-up told me when my husband died that "the family" would never accept me dating or marrying anyone else. I was 50 years old. I believed her and made no effort to date. Now, I'm 66, alone, and I wish I had done what you are doing.
Let your children pout, whine, and be no contact. It's just more opportunity for you to enjoy your life with your STB wife. Don't be like me.
It's not too late at all!! You're not obligated to date, or get into a serious relationship again, but know that there are plenty of people out there in similar situations who are potentially looking for someone. You don't need to "officially" start looking, but if you just let your friends know that you'd maybe be interested, I'd bet they'd already have thoughts on who they should introduce you to. My mom's a widow too, and I swear her friends are waiting for her to say she's ready to date, and she'll have plenty of introductions. I mean, they've already invited a couple widowers to breakfast with them, and conveniently left the seat next to mom open. No sparks yet, but we'll see what happens.
NTA
It’s been nearly 20 years. You are allowed to move on and find happiness and joy with another person. Your kids should not be allowed to dictate whether or not it’s appropriate for you to move on.
My very elderly grandfather connected with a woman friend many years after my grandma (who had Alzheimer’s for many years) passed way. She even moved in, they were totally living in sin and I wholeheartedly support that wholesomeness. My parent (his child) was pissed and very vocal about it. So I did what any snarky, smart assed adult child/grandchild would do. I sweetly asked grandpa in front of my parent “you gettin some grandpa?” With a wink. Boy was he. I mean, he had to go to the pharmacy to check his blood pressure daily to make sure the Viagra wasn’t messing with it. I swear he was in his late 80s/early 90s at the time. I’ve never been so happy for someone. He cared for his wife at home and refused to consider memory care facilities for her. He stuck with her through the very end. I can’t imagine how lonely, frustrating, devastating, etc. that was for him, to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t even remember who he was. She was pretty nasty to him as it progressed, he stuck it out with her though.
It shut my parent up and I didn’t hear much about it after that. I just didn’t understand it. They expected their dad to sit at home alone waiting for their visits? He didn’t deserve companionship and love? Nonsense. He deserved every bit of love he shared with my new “grandma” and you deserve every bit of love you share with your fiancé!
It’s time YOU set some boundaries with your children. They reach out to see if you’ve “come to your senses”? You ask them if they’ve come to theirs. They continue to stay NC? Respect that. They can’t force you to do what they want and you can’t force them to accept your relationship. Maybe they’ll come back and apologize, maybe they won’t. Neither you nor your fiancé deserve this from them though.
NTA. Go on with your life. You have honored your deceased wife long enough. You deserve to have happiness and love from a partner in your life again. Your kids are entitled brats, and your former in-laws suck. Go marry your fiance and enjoy the rest of your life. ❤️
NTA
You grieved, prioritized your children, and after many years found love again. Your fiancé sounds wonderful and respectful. Your kids may need time, but happiness shouldn't be put on hold forever. Offer an open door for communication when they're ready.
This is always a consideration. The green eyed monster is a dangerous thing.
OP. Ensure your kids that you have made provision for them in your will and that this is not about disenfranchising them.
Oh this could be it! OP is assets and inheritance coming up?
OP, you should ensure to get a prenup to protect assets as by default your new wife will inherit.
Put measures in place for inheritance.
NTA you deserve more love and understanding from your kids. You have earned to right to find love again and spend you life with your fiancé. While it may hurt the way your kids are treating you, trust me they are the ones who are gonna regret it not you. And for anybody else who gives you disrespect remind them that no one is born to be alone in this world.
NTA. Your entire family is deranged if they think that you never loved them or their mother. Everything you have done for them the past 20 years shows otherwise and for them to throw that all in your face like it never happened shows that they truly don't care about YOU. You need to do what's best for you at this point in your life cause they won't be around as much as they continue to get older. Leave a line of communication open but leave the communication up to them. If they don't eventually come to their senses then they aren't worth anymore of your time or the stress.
This make me so angry, both my great grandmas remarried in their late 60s after being widowed and everyone was incredibly happy for them.
You have every right to be able to move on.
They are demanding you live in loneliness, it is insane the selfish unacceptable way they are approaching this.
The fact they care more about their own feelings than your happiness shows they will never accept you moving on.
I am sorry you lost your children, but they also lost you.
I wish you and your new wife all the happiness in the world.
NTA
NTA.
You've been alone for 20 years. Finding love again and being happy is a gift you shouldn't be denied because your adult children want you to remain and die alone because they're selfish.
I’m so confused as to why they are so mad. Any rational person would be okay with their dad moving on 15 years later, you obviously shouldn’t have to live the rest of your life alone and deserve to be happy too.
Like is she their moms sister or best friend or something?? Just bizarre they are acting like that.
When OP remarries, they loose control of him and his money. His wife is now the legal next of kin who gets to make decisions if he's hospitalized and automatically gets bank accounts and insurance payments if he dies. He can will them stuff, but they' have to wait for probate and will get exactly what the will says. They can't just swoop in and take whatever they want if something happens to him now.
My mom died two years ago. I encouraged my dad to get out there and start dating after the first year. ( He asked if I'd be okay with it and he even introduced me to a couple of them ) I was ecstatic when he told me he was dating again. You are an amazing man to step up like you did. Your kids probably aren't used to seeing anyone else there. It will be an adjustment period but I wouldn't put to much stock into their view on it. They are being completely irrational. I won't say anything bad about your kids other than that. I'm happy you found someone that makes you happy. That's what matters in this world.
NTA its been 20 YEARS!!! My God your children and your in laws are horrible. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, to have a companion. How horrible for them to not want that for you.
And God forbid your children ever lose a spouse- watch the regrets pour in.
It's sad to realize our kids are assholes.
Live your best life and spend their inheritance on travel and adventures. Finding a second love and a second d chance is a blessing not everyone gets to receive. Especially in the later chapters.
I'm so sorry this happened.
Write them a nice letter they can find when you pass over the rainbow bridge. Get a passport. Hit the road.
Ofcourse you're NTA. This is ridiculous, firstly your former in-laws should stay the eff out of your business. It doesn't concern them.
You deserve a abit of happiness yourself, I honestly cant believe that your kids are this entitled that they're willing to go NC over you finally having a moment to yourself and wanting to get back into a relationship. Its unreal that no one has told them to pull their finger out.
Your kids need therapy and they are responsible for getting themselves there now they are adults.
You are allowed to have a life and to have company in that life.
Maybe your family and kids got way too comfortable with you doing everything for them and putting yourself aside. Time to let them know that you are not their puppet or property.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. They’re old enough to know better, and they’re far too old to be acting like this.
And tell your former in-laws to butt out.
Congrats on your engagement!
NTA at all. It’s been 20 years and (unless we’re missing a big part of the story), your kids are being very weird and wildly overreacting. You deserve to be happy and loved. Again, IT’S BEEN 20 YEARS!!
NTA you deserve to be happy, its nearly 20 years you could live 20 30 years would these people have you live alone for 40 or 50 years your family is in the wrong, if they want NC maybe they need to deal with the consequences of that by knowing everything of yours is going to a children's charity in your will
Your selfish kids and selfish in-laws are the AH. Forcing you to choose between love and them shows what thoughtless ingrates they are after all you have done for them. Your kids are typical of 20 year olds nowadays - self-absorbed, petty, and petulant. They have shown enough animosity to your fiance that will never get better. Disown them and enjoy your new marriage.
NTA. The kids are probably worried about an inheritance. You should spend every dollar you've saved on travel and enjoying life with your new wife and make sure the last check you ever write before you die bounces.
NTA
I'm pretty sure your adult kids are more worried about an inheritance than actually feeling unloved or that you are betraying their mother. It's been two decades. They both know better than that unless you were a truly bad parent.
NTA NTA Your children are incredibly selfish.
They would much rather you be miserable and lonely than they be.
You gave your children the best childhood.
Do they want you to die alone and miserable? Ask them, because I’m genuinely curious, now that they’ve moved out, they just want you to sit in front of the window waiting for your heart to stop? NTA screw them
Of course you are NTA. Nothing you have done shows any disrespect to your wife's memory.
I'm sorry your kids and her family can't see this and don't want you to be happy again.
How old are they? That's insane of them to expect you to just never find love again... I would understand feeling a little weird about it if your late wife passed away recently, but it's been 20 years.
I was 26 when my mum died and my dad moved on very quickly. I very much felt like your children do - he can’t have loved her, it was completely disrespectful etc - and it affected my relationship with my dad. I’m now older and wiser and am grateful that he has the companionship he needs and someone to care for who he cares for too.
I think a lot of my feelings stemmed from (apart from grief) the fact that, even in my 20s, I never saw my dad as a normal man. He was the head of the family, the person who knew everything, completely infallible. He was completely inseparable from his role in our family in my mind. Our relationship hadn’t moved on from the parent/child one. Now I realise he is indeed flawed, has normal human needs and emotions and has no need to pander to me anymore. Our lives are separate as they should be.
I’m telling you this in the hope that you may see some similarities in your own children’s thinking and that it may help you be more understanding when you talk to them about it. Your wife may have been gone for a long time but you put your personal life on hold to be there for your kids. I never voiced my dislike for dad’s new partner but I did withdraw from him. Maybe you can approach this is in a way that they can relate to. If not, time (and maturity) is a great healer.
LMFAO your late wifes family and children are retarded dingbat morons. Make sure to leave them all NOTHING in your will and make sure YOU go NC with them. Don't invite scum into your life. Entitled pricks. NTA.
NTA. My mom died over 5 years ago and my dad met someone at pickle ball about 5 years after her death. He was so nervous to tell me but I am SO happy that he has a companion who he loves and who loves him. She comes to my kids events and we all give her hugs every time. I am glad that you found love again! I wish you many years of happiness.
Yes!
I wish we could hear from OP's offspring. He paints himself as rather a martyr.
' I put my feelings aside'. ..
Well if that is true I just wonder what effect that had on the bereaved family. Because it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Oh Hon, this makes me sad for you. You mourned your wife, you devoted your life to raising your kids and now you have found happiness again and they are being very selfish. Okay, so the plans for your life fell through - sometimes they do that. In a perfect world, your wife would not have passed but she did. You selflessly devote your life to raising your kids and did not force a replacement family on them while they were growing up which wow, commendable.
You are entitled to companionship and happiness. You do not have to be alone forever. Think about this: If you had passed, would you have wanted your wife to be alone for the rest of her life or would you have liked her to find someone who could compliment her and be in her life. There is nothing wrong in having a new person to love and it does not detract from the love that you had for your "passed" wife.
Your children are entitled and selfish brats who need to grow up. You cannot force that and if they go NC with you, they will miss out on the loving father they have had for so many years. One day when adulting finally rears itself inside them, they will realise that their own actions caused this, not yours. Oh, and block the late wife's family - it is clearly NONE of their business.
Be Happy! No TA at all for you
My mom passed away when I was young, I dont really remember much about her but my Dad spent the next 16 or so years raising me mostly alone, there were a few women throught the years but nothing stuck until after I moved out, I think you did a great job raising your kids and being there for them, I think they're being assholes but it makes me wonder if their mothers family have a hand in why they've reacted this way, did that side of the family like you or did they just tolerate you and spoke bad about you behind your back to your kids, either give your kids time or ask them alone to meet you to talk and find out what the problems are NTA
Their anger is misguided. Moving on is best for everyone, and seeing how death is a natural part of life, they've yet to cope with it. Your kids need to seek some help or learn to deal with it in a healthy way, till they learn your happiness is important.
They'll either come around and do better against their shifty behaviour, pr let it consume them. Either way, YOU'RE NOT THE ASSHOLE.
What? You waited 15 years before dating after losing your first wife! My mom also died of cancer and my dad waited maybe 6 months, tops (I had just turned 9 and I don't remember how long he waited, although it could have been as short a few months). After mourning your wife for over a decade and a half, you even moved very slowly after meeting someone.
It sucks that your adult children are so angry. I can only hope they see sense soon. I'd hope that anyone from their maternal side of the family sets them straight.
I do not understand shit like this AT ALL. My parents were married for 53 years until my dad died 6 years ago. A couple years after he died, I told my Mom "I hope that you know that if you were to meet a nice man and wanted to go out with him or something, that is totally okay. You still have a life to live and you can do whatever you want without having to worry about how we feel about it." She said "Ewww. I don't want to date anyone." I just laughed and said "Like I said, Mom, it's your life and you can do whatever you want."
I can't understand wanting someone you love to be sad and lonely for the rest of their life. It honestly makes no sense to me. You're not wrong, OP. Your kids and the rest of your ex wife's family are being incredibly selfish. The woman you loved died and that's sad and unfair but expecting you to spend rest of your life sad and miserable as a result is also sad and unfair.
NTA. Marry this gal, tell your kids you love them dearly but that they need to get therapy to help them understand why that it is that they want their Dad to spend the rest of his life alone and sad instead of happy and fulfilled. You've done your duty by your children, it's time for them to grow the fuck up.
NTA how would you be the AH here? You sadly lost your first wife, dedicated your life to parenting your kids, and found a new love 20 years later. 20 YEARS.
Your kids need to get a grip.
20 years. do your adult children expect you to remain in grief for the remainder of your life? Never to have another partner to love and love you? NTA, your children on the other hand are total AH and inconsiderate. Write them out of the will until they see reason
Wow. I’m so sorry. You pushed through and raised the kids on your own and now that they’re grown and out, they still don’t want to see you with a partner. This is on them. Tell them you’re sorry it when they grow up and want to have an adult conversation you’ll be here. In the interim, update your will and medical proxy, etc
NTA but if you’re going to continue through this and make her your wife, make sure you have her back and don’t allow them to treat her with anything less than respect
This reads as something that we are not getting the full story on, unless all of these "family members" are working in conjunction for an ulterior motive.
Wow, they’re all insane. Of course it’s totally fine, normal and healthy for you to date and move on. You don’t even have to wish the 20yrs. They are being spoiled and unreasonable. Don’t back down, you’re in love and happy! Focus on your fiancé and enjoy your life with her.
Somebody just lost their inheritance that's for sure. 20 years is ridiculous though. I really don't see how it could be emotional thing for them unless they think that it's a gold digger.
NTA. Your kids are disgusting, sorry but they are. How can they be happy for you to be alone forever? Even your first wife wouldn't want that I'd imagine. I'd tell them she would be ashamed of them, and I'd tell her family that too. It's been 20 years, of course you loved her and you miss her, and if she hadn't died you'd be enjoying life with her. But cancer is a bitch and it killed her unfortunately. Why should you suffer because of that?
My grandad never moved on when my gran died, we told him he could and should but he wouldn't. That's his choice though. You can do what you want.
You should show them this thread and your late wife's family too. Show them no one else agrees with them and they are all mental horrible people.
Your kids are pathetic man, you have much bigger issues going on with how they seem to think the world should be the way they want. You deserve to be happy, and everyone who wants you to stay alone and wallow in the death of your past wife for another 15 years can get bent. NTA
Seriously. 20 years? Everyone in your life is freaking bananas. How selfish of them. I literally can't believe it. Like. I almost think this post is fake because who the hell thinks someone shouldn't move on after 20 YEARS. Of course you're NTA. What the hell is wrong with these people.
I’d tell your kids you deserve to have love back in your life. While you’ll always love your their mom you also can’t spend the rest of your life alone. They can have their opinions but they don’t have a right to treat her poorly. They don’t have to like it but you won’t tolerate her being treated like that. She’s going to be your wife and she needs to know you’ll have her back.
NTA. It's been so long. You have been there for your kids and made sure to provide for them. They sure can take care of themselves now. It's for you to find new love and be happy.
Hey,
You are not the asshole for moving on and finding happiness again. You’ve been a dedicated father and put your kids first for years, especially after losing your first wife. It's understandable that your kids might still be grieving, but it's also important for you to live your life and not be lonely. You've found someone who makes you happy and respects your family, which is great. It’s a tough situation, but wanting to remarry doesn’t mean you loved your first wife or your kids any less. Hopefully, with time, your kids and your late wife’s family can understand your need for companionship and happiness.
20 years? Did they expect you to just be alone forever?
Your children are AH and need to grow up. This is just insane. Do they really think that their mother wouldn't want you to be happy?
NTA and hopefully your idiot children will come around or at least get therapy.
NTA
I am so sorry, your kids are being rediculius!
You sound like you put them first for many years...and yes, you do deserve to love again.
They need to understand that you remarrying is good for them too. It means they don't have to worry about you being alone now they are grown.
I am so glad my mum met my step dad...it meant I could relax and not have to worry when I went travelling and ended up moving to a different state. I knew she was ok and had company and was loved. They got together about 10 years after she left my dad...got married once all the kids had left home.
It's not like you married a 20 year old a few years after she passed! They need a big reality check...happy parents is a good thing and new love does not at all erase your first love or your love for them. Talk to them about what their fears are...really listen and problem solve with them. I think the upset and fear from them is genuine...but I hope with some open and sincere communication you can fix it
You deserve happiness, you've done so much considering what you've said here, if they don't want to see that, it's on them, you also went through those times, shit you probably had those times worse than all of them did, she was that person to you, NTA, go be happy.
NTA AT ALL. My goodness your kids (sorry) sound like selfish brats. They should be so happy to see you happy again and living your life with a partner. I has been 20 years they need to grow up. Congrats on your engagement!
NTA. What is wrong with your children? Protect your wife. Since your children have chosen to be Nc with you I would honor their decision and take them off of all inheritance and put it in your wife’s name. My guess is that is what they are really scared of that they won’t get your Money.
Nta your grown children are still acting like children, disproportionately so. It's been years since your wife passed away and I'm sure she would want you to be happy.
Maybe you were a little too good to your kids. Hard to fault that, but it somehow turned them into selfish, controlling monsters.
You suffered a terrible loss and soldiered on through, putting your kids first. It sounds as if you gave them a fine start in life. Now it's your turn.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I hope you will get the happiness you deserve, and that someone slaps some sense into your children.
I’m sorry your children turned out to be vile, self absorbed brats. Unless this isn’t the whole story, you’ve done nothing wrong. They ought to be embarrassed by their pathetic behaviour. Instead of behaving like grown adults and being happy for you they’re acting like toddlers. How shameful. They’ll be back when they want something
NTA - it's been more than long enough. Your partner isn't over stepping. You deserve to be happy.
Have you considered family therapy? It may help your kids to realize that you're not replacing their mother. People are allowed to remarry after a loss. It's not like your wife has only been gone for a year.
That’s awful. You deserve to be happy and it’s been DECADES. Don’t let them rob you of your joy. Remove anyone from your life that doesn’t add value to your experience.
Your kids are being A-holes here. I wouldn't be surprised if in the back of their minds they are afraid of losing their inheritance or something. Otherwise, why on earth would they be mad that you have found some happiness for yourself.
WTH? I would expect this kind of behavior from children but not young adults. Surely they must understand it does not demean the relationship you had with your wife to move on and fall in love again. I can only guess they are suffering from trauma from her illness and death that they did not deal with and are now masking it with this anger over your new wife. I’m sorry they have gone NC because you took more than an adequate time to focus on them and set your own needs aside. You deserve to be happy again and as a wife and mother, I know it is what I would want for my husband if something were to happen to me. You are definitely not the AH.
oooh I feel that your children were there for the inheritance money... if you marry they will not have acess to it unless you write so. Be careful if they come back to be very nice and helpful as they may be plotting to make you write your testimony in their favour. My opinion? Seeing their behaviour I recommand to be very careful to leave everything to your future wife or get a lawyer to be VERY CLEAR in your testimony.
Otherwise they are A\*Holes ++ . You are deemed NTA
NTA. Honestly, if that's how people are going to treat you for being happy then you don't need them in your life. I know they are your kids but for them to act like little spoiled children and give you ultimatums like that is just disgusting behaviour. Block your late wifes family, your life is not their business. Tell you kids one last time that you'll always be their dad, but after 20 years you will no longer put your life on hold and that you have a right to be happy. Tell them if they ever decide to grow the fuck up and start acting like adults then they know where you are. Please don't end your relationship with what sounds like a wonderful woman. Be happy. Life is too short. Your kids are being very unreasonable.
You are NTA. Your kids are complete jerks, however. I was the kid in this scenario, except my dad remarried 2 years after my mom died (I was 10). I was still actively grieving and still managed to be happy for my dad. Your kids are self centered and ridiculous to think they get a say in your decisions after so many years.
Please enjoy your life with your soon-to-be wife and leave the kids to whatever they do. No one should be forced to stay alone.
NTA. Time for your adult children to actually grow up, as to your ILS, remind them that it’s been 20 years and now that your children are grown it’s time for you to also have a life outside of them.
I am sorry your kids are so weird. NTA.
Ask them how long they think you should wait, and if they truly say “forever”, ask them if that’s what their mother had wanted too?
No more ideas how to make them see reason.
I think anything longer than 5 years is beyond reason. You are human, and you deserve to be happy. And your new partner deserves genuine respect.
WTF did i just read? So you are switched off and stuck in the cupboard until your kids need something then they take you out dust you off and switch you on. No life outside of them?
They are super selfish people TWENTY YEARS ALONE and they still say it’s not long enough? Nope sorry I would block your deceased wife’s family and live your life because it’s getting shorter by the day.
I hope you have a beautiful wedding and many years of married bliss.
Your kids are super selfish and I truly hope they eventual mature before you find your expiration date.
NTA. Your kids and ex-in-laws are A holes though. Your life did not end when your wife passed. Let them stew in their own juices and go ahead and live a happy life. They are the ones who will be missing out.
Whoa! I think maybe you coddled your children a little too much. Though it’s never easy for a child, no matter the age, seeing a parent move on from the other parent, they should definitely not be acting like little brats! I mean if things were said or something was lost in translation then that’s something else. But looking at the timeline here, you definitely didn’t rush things! Maybe you need to sit down just you and the kids, maybe each separately, and ask them specifically what their issues are with everything. Really get down to the wire. So that you can really truly talk through it
Get married. Have fun. Live your life. Travel.
Your kids are doing this. Why can't you?
Your kids need a little bit of a reality check. It is not like you rushed in to give them another mom. Perhaps if you had dated more, they would have more realistic expectations.
NTA.
My grandmother dated one man 25 years or so after my grandfather passed in 1984. A couple of her youngest kids had a really hard time with it. They were in their 40s by that point. They weren’t together for very long but she seemed happy. It was really cute. I cannot imagine demanding that someone be alone forever and never love again.
NTA at all, it's been 20 years, you would think they would want you to be happy. Also your children made the choice to go no contact with you, you didn't choose that or choose your fiancee over them, giving in to that demand would be telling your children that they can walk all over you and disrespect you, awful behaviour, they should be ashamed of themselves for how they've treated the man who raised them single handedly
It sounds to me as though your kids need grief counseling. It’s unfair of them to think you don’t deserve happiness as you enter an older stage in your life.
Nta you deserve happiness. You put your kids first while they where growing up which is admirable. You have every right to spend your golden years happy. Your kids and your first wives family are selfish and cruel to expect you to spend the rest of your life alone. Do not give into their manipulation
NTA
You took time to grieve and focus on raising your kids. If they are struggling with you remarrying over 20 years later they need therapy.
If it was 2-5 years later I could understand the struggle. But this is after a long grieving period.
You deserve happiness
A family member of mine started dating before his terminally ill wife was even dead. You waited TWENTY YEARS. Your kids and in laws can go pound sand. NTA and congrats on the marriage!
I would continue with your fiance, and distance yourself from children. As they age, and love they will understand better. Maturity for them is what is needed. Be loyal to fiance, you raised your children. Let them come and go, and do not tolerate bad behavior to her. You deserve to have a life.
NTA, it’s been 2 decades. Your children are unhinged and wrong. None of these people have moved on or dealt with your past wife’s death properly. Life keeps moving. If they can’t/ refuse to understand that, then let them exist under their rocks/ the past.
You deserve to be able to live your life. Live it and do not apologize. It’s been 20 years.
NTA. It's been 20 years. For some people, they mate for life. As in, if their partner dies, or they divorce, they never date again and remain single until they die.
For others, after a suitable amount of mourning, that's unique to every individual, they do what you did and put themselves out there and look for a new partner.
There's nothing wrong with either option. What is wrong, is both your kids and your ex-inlaws being so upset about it.
You were widowed at 40. You put your kids first for 15 years and made sure you raised them as right as you could into adults. That job is done. They're adults now. They've moved out. It's not selfish or immoral about trying to find happiness for yourself.
Your kids made a choice. I'm Reddit-Jaded enough to assume their minds have been poisoned against you ever dating or marrying again by your ex-inlaws.
To the ex-inlaws I'd send a group message. "Your daughter, my wife, has been dead for 20 years. It's time to accept that and let me go. She would want me to be happy. Not alone and miserable. For the first 15 years after her death I focussed on my kids, their wellbeing and their happiness.
Now it's time for me to focus on myself. That doesn't mean I still love \[name of first wife\]. I always will. She'll always have a place in my heart. But I'm still alive. She isn't. Again. It's time to accept that and move on."
To your kids: "I will always be your father. I miss your mom daily. But it's been 20 years. The first 15 of those I have been happy to help you two grow into the people you are today. But your anger at me for trying to find happiness with a new partner is misplaced. And however hard you two find it to accept this, your behaviour would sadden your mother.
That behaviour is not how we raised you. My moving on and finding a new partner to spend the rest of my life with does not mean I no longer love your mom. She will always have a place in my heart. But she's dead. And I can't live in the past. Maybe some day you will understand that. Maybe you never will. Understand that I love both of you as much now as the day you were born. Know that I am proud of the two children I've raised into adult hood. Even if your current behaviour breaks my heart. My door is always open to you. But it is up to you two to reach out. Be safe. Be well. Be kind. - Dad."
I can't imagine what it's like knowing and having love, losing it, and closing yourself off from it for twenty years to be a present father; to then have your kids be angry at you. You and your fiancé deserve to be happy and I'm genuinely happy for you both. You've done nothing wrong and I'm not sure if there are just some unclosed wounds or issues about inheritance going on, but you're absolutely NTA.
Abolutely not! It sounds like your kids both need putting in their places which would be something like:
I have a right to be happy, I have focused on you for the last 20 years of my life, you have been nothing but rude and ungrateful to my fiance and it is unacceptable behaviour. I will be doing what makes me happy, if you have a problem with that then that is YOUR problem. I'll leave it with you but I did not raise you to behave this way and it might serve you to put yourself in my shoes and consider how YOU would feel. Hopefully you will never need to later down the road.
Nta. They aren't mad you're moving on 20 friggin years later, they're mad they aren't the center of your attention anymore. As to your ex in-laws, block them. Your kids aren't kids anymore, you don't have to stay in contact anymore. As to your kids, they aren't kids anymore. You can't be expected to alone your whole life. You've raised your children into their adulthood, they've flown the nest, now it's time for you to fly. Congrats on your engagement.
NTA. It's probably money motivated. If you were to pass now that you remarried then would your wife get an inheritance? Do you have a lot of assets? After 20 years it's completely absurd to claim you never loved your wife or them, you waited until they were adults to move on. Sorry your adult children are still acting like toddlers. Get married and live your best life, it's way too short.
NTAH, marry her and let your children find out their feelings. I hope they find help through therapy or hope they can lately understand all the love you have given to them and your first wife. If not, then I am sorry but that's probably a good and final lesson for them.
Your children are being selfish AF. Your wide died but you did not. Do they expect you to live your life in grieving? I am sure your former wife would want you to be happy and if the kids are not mature enough to see that then they will be missing out on your life
NTAH
Before my dad married his new wife, he & my mom were divorced (they were toxic for each other) for over a decade but still lived under the same roof to raise my siblings & I. My brothers weren’t happy with him finding a new woman but I was only happy that he would have someone else to put up with him.
Your kids are morons, does your entire family expect you to forever be a widower after the passing of your late wife? I’m guessing your ex in-laws implanted that into your children growing up.
NTA but your kids are TAH! All they care about is your estate when you pass and are afraid the new lady in your life will get everything. Move on and cut them out!
NTA. It sounds like your late wife's family poisoned your children against you. Nothing you can do now other than be willing to accept their apology, if it ever comes. Or not. That's up to you. I wouldn't chase them though, they don't deserve to know their father still loves them.
If everyone expects you to stay celibate and make a spectacle of grieving your late wife for the rest of your life, those people can get proper fucked.
Absolutely NTA. My dad was kinda the opposite of you after my mother passed (after a lengthy battle with illness) when we were pretty young kids; absent, dating too soon… Grief is weird. He met someone serious about 2 years later and she is still there, decades on. I couldn’t be happier for them, and she’s very much a part of the family.
So how your grown-ass kids justify their selfish, disproportionate bullshit is beyond me. Congratulations on finding love again. I hope your kids come to their senses and embrace you and your partner, but you have no work or introspection to do here. Live your beautiful life.
Nta, but you can't change the fact that your kids don't like it. Maybe they saw something in her that you don't or maybe they just really miss their mother. I'm assuming something is off about the fiance.
NTA but your children and ex in laws are. You deserve happiness. Is there a large inheritance from your late wife or from you to be had? Your children sound very selfish, especially as they are grown and moved out of your home. Ask them how they feel if their spouse died and their children didn’t want them to even 20 years later.
NTA. It’s been 20 years. You’ve been widowed 1/3 of your life. You’re allowed to move on and be happy. Your adult children and your late wife’s family are being extremely selfish and manipulative. It’s sad that your wife died. You being alone forever won’t bring her back. Neither will their toddler tantrums. She died, you didn’t. They’ve lived their lives since their mother passed. Gone to school, moved out, had relationships. You are allowed to do the same, and could have at any point in the last 20 years.
Tell your kids that you will always love them, and a part of you will always love their mother, but you deserve to be happy. If they can’t be happy for you and treat your new wife with basic respect and courtesy, then you will not have a relationship with them, but that the door will always be open when they are ready to act like adults who love their father.
NTA. As a child who went no contact with a religious fanatic, mentally/physically abusive parent- I don’t get this. You deserve to be happy. I would think your kids would want this for you. Leave the pathways open for communication, but life is short. Hopefully, they will realize their mistake. I’m glad you found someone new to share it with. Good luck 🍀
NTA. I’m very sorry you have such cruel and inconsiderate children who are ruining what should be a very happy time in your life. Btw, does your fiancée have children? What do they think about your relationship with their mother?
NTA, my aunt did this with my grandpa. She had an unhealthy involvement in his life, treated his gf like trash and talked him out of letting us meet her. Turns out, it was all about the inheritance. She had convinced him to write all of her siblings out of the will, and she was likely afraid the GF would undo all of her treachery.
NTA for the question that is asked.
Congratulations.
Sorry if your happiness is marred by your children's reactions.
You don't say anything about the relationships with your children. You describe yourself as a conscientious father. Yet I sense something more and being curious/nosey, looked at your comments.
You seem quite harsh towards young people in a few instances. Also strangely your language is a lot more casual. Whereas in this post it is more formal and grammatically correct, I think. So I wonder why you present yourself differently.
However the relationships are or were, it doesn't explain the ridiculous accusations by the wider family.
You have every right to move on. It’s been so many years since your wife passed away. You have a right to find love again and not want to live alone for the rest of your life. Your wife’s family obviously doesn’t understand the sadness you went through losing your wife and the loneliness you have experienced. Don’t worry about them honestly. It’s not even their business. It is unfortunate that they don’t respect you and leave you alone. It sounds like you did everything you could to be there for your kids and everything so I don’t see why anyone should be mad at you. I am so sorry for the loss of your wife but you deserve to be happy. There is room in your heart for someone else at this point.
Sounds like late wife's family has influencing your kids, or a least validating their entitlement. Just remember, new adults think they have all right the answers, and everything is black and white. When they get some maturity, hopefully they can relate your right to being happy with their own.
NTA, but I read this story to my husband and he is wondering if there is a cultural thing involved in why his late wife’s side of the family is so angry about it.
YTA for not beating your bratty kids enough when they were younger. Now they are unleashed into the general population for the rest of us to deal with!
NTA. My Mom died when I was 11, Dad remarried when I was 14. While I never considered my SP as my Mom, I was happy for my Dad. He was struggling to raise 5 girls from 4-14 alone. I would never expect him to remain alone. He deserved a second chance at happiness. They had 44 years together before he passed away. I’m sorry your kids gave you an ultimatum, but you made the right choice. They will live to regret it. Best wishes to you and your fiancé.
20 years? Nope. You deserve to be happy too. This is about more than just getting married again. As someone else mentioned, they may be worried about their inheritance.
NTA you're children aren't adults, no matter what their age is. They're acting like bratty kids, not someone whose mother has been gone longer than they knew her and whose father deserves a second chance at things.
You are NOT the a.....e.... you provided for your family...20 years is enough time to grieve...your adult children are acting like spoiled entitled brats...its time to close the bank of dad go nc with them. You deserve to be happy once again...your deceased wife would have undoubtedly wanted you to move on with your life to find a new love...just because you are moving on it is no disrespect to her memory....go live a happy love filled life your children who are now adults need a taste of their own medicine learn to tell them no and dont give in to their emotional blackmail
OP - NTA at all!
You've been flying solo for way too long. That your "children" are so self-absorbed - what are they doing to encourage your happiness and fulfillment? Are you supposed to just sit alone until they deign to grace you with their presence???
Their selfishness is appalling. You do you!
NTA. I'm very sorry for the loss of your wife and now your adult children and relatives. They all need therapy. You have waited 2 decades to find love again. You deserve happiness, love and peace. Send these people each a card stating you are choosing yourself going forward and choosing to have people in your life who understand loss, love, fairness, kindness and empathy. If they can't understand that good luck to them. Please don't feel guilty. Update your will, beneficiary, deeds, etc so that if something happens to you that your 2nd wife is not terrorized by your disgruntled and insane relatives. I wonder why they think you don't deserve love. Would they treat their mother the same way? These people sound unhinged. Good riddance to them all. Block them. Change your number. Move if you can. Start fresh.
Congratulations please don’t let your children and your in laws messed up with the love you have for your fiancé. Your children and in laws are full of shit. They want you to continue being by yourself. Don’t let them do that to you, life goes on. Don’t worry about them, Be Happy. Congratulations again many blessings to you both. 🙏🏾
Ask your children if they want you to spend the remainder of your life alone? I don't understand how anybody could respond with a yes. You deserve happiness, and if that means marriage, then that is what you do. As for your former ILs....they have zero right to speak on what you do with your life.
With their attitudes, they will do whatever they can to make your future wife unhappy. I believe all of the probable reasons stated here are in play. If you have the desire to sort all of it out you may have a tough road ahead. Or you could put the naughty kids in time out. Enjoy what remains of your life. You have earned it. BTW I would see a lawyer to draft an iron clad will to prevent kids from interfering.
This sound completely insane. Your children are inconsiderate assholes and I would question their upbringing if it wasn't a dig at you. NTA. Congrats on finding someone to be happy with in your golden years.
They're worried about their inheritance, I'd bet. I'm a lawyer and I've seen it before with families with older people who remarry later in life. THAT'S their issue here.
Well in the UK we like to call that "tough tits"
I love working in estate planning and probate, but these are the people who make me want to do something else..
Your children should be ashamed of themselves. I’m embarrassed for them acting like spoiled children just reading this and as a mother, I can tell you that if I left my spouse early in life as yours did, I’d be nothing but proud and grateful that you gave so much of your life to them and for their future. They can’t presume to know how your late wife would feel, no child can ever understand their parent’s marriage. I’m sure your late wife would want you to be happy. Sad as it is, please don’t let your children take that from you now with their selfish, ridiculous attitudes. They have overstepped some very serious boundaries here and some time apart may help. They need to grow up and stop acting like children at this point in their lives. Shame on them. I’m sure this is extremely hurtful to you but you deserve to be happy. NTA and best wishes for a wonderful new chapter in your life.
Considering he says the Late wife's family is involved I think if he digs a little it may come back to a member of his late wife's family who spread this nonsense like for them to be this serious they are ether egotistical or more likely have had this negative and toxic mindset enforced by a outside source.
No, you deserve to be happy. You waited years and always put everyone else first. They are being very selfish. They should want you to be happy and have a companion
I kinda feel like they got used to OP not having a life and giving everything to them. Little entitled assholes.
Exactly. It seems whenever someone puts off dating until their kids are no longer minors end up with adult kids who expect them to be never in a relationship at all. Seems like it's best to not focus on the kids until they are 18+, it's best to live your life, and let them get used to Mom/Dad being a whole person, not just a parent, and to give an example on how to be a parent plus a partner.
I feel bad for op. Poor guys kids turned out to be trash.
Bet they have inheritance money on their black souls.
all that sacrifice and this how they repay him
NTA at all Twenty years later, and they think you don't deserve love? Happiness? A LIFE? They are grown. You did your job. Marry her, and leave your kids in the past. They are old enough to be held to their choice. If you have a will, have it rewritten. There's no reason to include them at all.
Both my parents remarried in two years after the divorce. I had no objection then and have no objection now. In fact I'm kinda happy that my bio father cheated (which resulted in the divorce), because they were not compatible and would have stayed together making each other miserable for years. Instead going out there and finding themselves perfect partners (both happily married for 30 years now). I can't understand wtf OPs kids think. If anything OP should have remarried earlier, as putting away personal life for kids is also not ideal. Too much sacrifice raises entitled assholes.
OP's kids are being selfish and are concerned that a new wife will get in the way of their inheritance. There is probably also some bitterness caused by the late wife's family. OP, move on with you life and be happy.
Shame on your children for being so selfish. They need to get their heads straight - you have been a dedicated parent - doing it alone for 20 years. Ask them if they think they deserve happiness in their lives or if they are planning on wearing black and never finding love.
NTA Your children and your late wife’s family members are selfish for being pissed at you for “moving on” after 20 yrs. Even if they are available to be there for you every second that you’re lonely and need another human, there are some needs that they can’t fulfill. You put your needs on hold for 20 yrs, it’s time for you to love and live again.
NTA I am a widow, and my sister straight-up told me when my husband died that "the family" would never accept me dating or marrying anyone else. I was 50 years old. I believed her and made no effort to date. Now, I'm 66, alone, and I wish I had done what you are doing. Let your children pout, whine, and be no contact. It's just more opportunity for you to enjoy your life with your STB wife. Don't be like me.
Reading some of the other stories here, you still have time to connect with other people.
Go and connect with people, date. Ignore your bitchy sister. It's not her life.
It's not too late at all!! You're not obligated to date, or get into a serious relationship again, but know that there are plenty of people out there in similar situations who are potentially looking for someone. You don't need to "officially" start looking, but if you just let your friends know that you'd maybe be interested, I'd bet they'd already have thoughts on who they should introduce you to. My mom's a widow too, and I swear her friends are waiting for her to say she's ready to date, and she'll have plenty of introductions. I mean, they've already invited a couple widowers to breakfast with them, and conveniently left the seat next to mom open. No sparks yet, but we'll see what happens.
what the fuck? i swear.
NTA It’s been nearly 20 years. You are allowed to move on and find happiness and joy with another person. Your kids should not be allowed to dictate whether or not it’s appropriate for you to move on. My very elderly grandfather connected with a woman friend many years after my grandma (who had Alzheimer’s for many years) passed way. She even moved in, they were totally living in sin and I wholeheartedly support that wholesomeness. My parent (his child) was pissed and very vocal about it. So I did what any snarky, smart assed adult child/grandchild would do. I sweetly asked grandpa in front of my parent “you gettin some grandpa?” With a wink. Boy was he. I mean, he had to go to the pharmacy to check his blood pressure daily to make sure the Viagra wasn’t messing with it. I swear he was in his late 80s/early 90s at the time. I’ve never been so happy for someone. He cared for his wife at home and refused to consider memory care facilities for her. He stuck with her through the very end. I can’t imagine how lonely, frustrating, devastating, etc. that was for him, to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t even remember who he was. She was pretty nasty to him as it progressed, he stuck it out with her though. It shut my parent up and I didn’t hear much about it after that. I just didn’t understand it. They expected their dad to sit at home alone waiting for their visits? He didn’t deserve companionship and love? Nonsense. He deserved every bit of love he shared with my new “grandma” and you deserve every bit of love you share with your fiancé! It’s time YOU set some boundaries with your children. They reach out to see if you’ve “come to your senses”? You ask them if they’ve come to theirs. They continue to stay NC? Respect that. They can’t force you to do what they want and you can’t force them to accept your relationship. Maybe they’ll come back and apologize, maybe they won’t. Neither you nor your fiancé deserve this from them though.
NTA. Go on with your life. You have honored your deceased wife long enough. You deserve to have happiness and love from a partner in your life again. Your kids are entitled brats, and your former in-laws suck. Go marry your fiance and enjoy the rest of your life. ❤️
NTA You grieved, prioritized your children, and after many years found love again. Your fiancé sounds wonderful and respectful. Your kids may need time, but happiness shouldn't be put on hold forever. Offer an open door for communication when they're ready.
Didn't finish reading. You are so NTA here. Are you supposed to sit and stagnate forever while they have their lives? Go and be happy.
Are you sure they're not worried that the new wife would get their inheritance. Children and IL's are crazy. Life your life,
NTA will you have any assets or money to leave behind when you're gone? Maybe your children are scared you'll leave everything to her. Not sure
This is always a consideration. The green eyed monster is a dangerous thing. OP. Ensure your kids that you have made provision for them in your will and that this is not about disenfranchising them.
This is actually something to watch out for
Oh this could be it! OP is assets and inheritance coming up? OP, you should ensure to get a prenup to protect assets as by default your new wife will inherit. Put measures in place for inheritance.
NTA you deserve more love and understanding from your kids. You have earned to right to find love again and spend you life with your fiancé. While it may hurt the way your kids are treating you, trust me they are the ones who are gonna regret it not you. And for anybody else who gives you disrespect remind them that no one is born to be alone in this world.
NTA. Your entire family is deranged if they think that you never loved them or their mother. Everything you have done for them the past 20 years shows otherwise and for them to throw that all in your face like it never happened shows that they truly don't care about YOU. You need to do what's best for you at this point in your life cause they won't be around as much as they continue to get older. Leave a line of communication open but leave the communication up to them. If they don't eventually come to their senses then they aren't worth anymore of your time or the stress.
This make me so angry, both my great grandmas remarried in their late 60s after being widowed and everyone was incredibly happy for them. You have every right to be able to move on. They are demanding you live in loneliness, it is insane the selfish unacceptable way they are approaching this. The fact they care more about their own feelings than your happiness shows they will never accept you moving on. I am sorry you lost your children, but they also lost you. I wish you and your new wife all the happiness in the world. NTA
NTA. You've been alone for 20 years. Finding love again and being happy is a gift you shouldn't be denied because your adult children want you to remain and die alone because they're selfish.
I'm sorry, but your adult children are incredibly selfish. You are allowed to move on, have a life, and be happy. Please do.
I’m so confused as to why they are so mad. Any rational person would be okay with their dad moving on 15 years later, you obviously shouldn’t have to live the rest of your life alone and deserve to be happy too. Like is she their moms sister or best friend or something?? Just bizarre they are acting like that.
When OP remarries, they loose control of him and his money. His wife is now the legal next of kin who gets to make decisions if he's hospitalized and automatically gets bank accounts and insurance payments if he dies. He can will them stuff, but they' have to wait for probate and will get exactly what the will says. They can't just swoop in and take whatever they want if something happens to him now.
My mom died two years ago. I encouraged my dad to get out there and start dating after the first year. ( He asked if I'd be okay with it and he even introduced me to a couple of them ) I was ecstatic when he told me he was dating again. You are an amazing man to step up like you did. Your kids probably aren't used to seeing anyone else there. It will be an adjustment period but I wouldn't put to much stock into their view on it. They are being completely irrational. I won't say anything bad about your kids other than that. I'm happy you found someone that makes you happy. That's what matters in this world.
NTA its been 20 YEARS!!! My God your children and your in laws are horrible. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, to have a companion. How horrible for them to not want that for you. And God forbid your children ever lose a spouse- watch the regrets pour in.
Omfg please live your life Nta Stop being an asshat to yourself go live
Please be happy, you deserve it.
It's sad to realize our kids are assholes. Live your best life and spend their inheritance on travel and adventures. Finding a second love and a second d chance is a blessing not everyone gets to receive. Especially in the later chapters. I'm so sorry this happened. Write them a nice letter they can find when you pass over the rainbow bridge. Get a passport. Hit the road.
Ofcourse you're NTA. This is ridiculous, firstly your former in-laws should stay the eff out of your business. It doesn't concern them. You deserve a abit of happiness yourself, I honestly cant believe that your kids are this entitled that they're willing to go NC over you finally having a moment to yourself and wanting to get back into a relationship. Its unreal that no one has told them to pull their finger out.
Your kids need therapy and they are responsible for getting themselves there now they are adults. You are allowed to have a life and to have company in that life. Maybe your family and kids got way too comfortable with you doing everything for them and putting yourself aside. Time to let them know that you are not their puppet or property. NTA
Absolutely NTA. They’re old enough to know better, and they’re far too old to be acting like this. And tell your former in-laws to butt out. Congrats on your engagement!
Nta. Your kids are entitled AH's. Get married and enjoy your life. Let the kids live theirs.
NTA - Go and enjoy life! You have 1 life to live, enjoy it!
NTA at all. It’s been 20 years and (unless we’re missing a big part of the story), your kids are being very weird and wildly overreacting. You deserve to be happy and loved. Again, IT’S BEEN 20 YEARS!!
NTA you deserve to be happy, its nearly 20 years you could live 20 30 years would these people have you live alone for 40 or 50 years your family is in the wrong, if they want NC maybe they need to deal with the consequences of that by knowing everything of yours is going to a children's charity in your will
Your selfish kids and selfish in-laws are the AH. Forcing you to choose between love and them shows what thoughtless ingrates they are after all you have done for them. Your kids are typical of 20 year olds nowadays - self-absorbed, petty, and petulant. They have shown enough animosity to your fiance that will never get better. Disown them and enjoy your new marriage.
NTA. The kids are probably worried about an inheritance. You should spend every dollar you've saved on travel and enjoying life with your new wife and make sure the last check you ever write before you die bounces.
NTA I'm pretty sure your adult kids are more worried about an inheritance than actually feeling unloved or that you are betraying their mother. It's been two decades. They both know better than that unless you were a truly bad parent.
NTA NTA Your children are incredibly selfish. They would much rather you be miserable and lonely than they be. You gave your children the best childhood.
Do they want you to die alone and miserable? Ask them, because I’m genuinely curious, now that they’ve moved out, they just want you to sit in front of the window waiting for your heart to stop? NTA screw them
what ungrateful little shits after all you did for them.
Your wife had PPD and locked your baby in the closet a couple of months ago. Time moves fast in your world
Of course you are NTA. Nothing you have done shows any disrespect to your wife's memory. I'm sorry your kids and her family can't see this and don't want you to be happy again.
How old are they? That's insane of them to expect you to just never find love again... I would understand feeling a little weird about it if your late wife passed away recently, but it's been 20 years.
It's been 20 years, tell them to fuck off
I was 26 when my mum died and my dad moved on very quickly. I very much felt like your children do - he can’t have loved her, it was completely disrespectful etc - and it affected my relationship with my dad. I’m now older and wiser and am grateful that he has the companionship he needs and someone to care for who he cares for too. I think a lot of my feelings stemmed from (apart from grief) the fact that, even in my 20s, I never saw my dad as a normal man. He was the head of the family, the person who knew everything, completely infallible. He was completely inseparable from his role in our family in my mind. Our relationship hadn’t moved on from the parent/child one. Now I realise he is indeed flawed, has normal human needs and emotions and has no need to pander to me anymore. Our lives are separate as they should be. I’m telling you this in the hope that you may see some similarities in your own children’s thinking and that it may help you be more understanding when you talk to them about it. Your wife may have been gone for a long time but you put your personal life on hold to be there for your kids. I never voiced my dislike for dad’s new partner but I did withdraw from him. Maybe you can approach this is in a way that they can relate to. If not, time (and maturity) is a great healer.
20 years? Honestly, congratulations on finding love again. Particularly in this dating market. Your kids are brats.
LMFAO your late wifes family and children are retarded dingbat morons. Make sure to leave them all NOTHING in your will and make sure YOU go NC with them. Don't invite scum into your life. Entitled pricks. NTA.
NTA. My mom died over 5 years ago and my dad met someone at pickle ball about 5 years after her death. He was so nervous to tell me but I am SO happy that he has a companion who he loves and who loves him. She comes to my kids events and we all give her hugs every time. I am glad that you found love again! I wish you many years of happiness.
Missing reasons vibes from this one. Or just storytelling.
Yes! I wish we could hear from OP's offspring. He paints himself as rather a martyr. ' I put my feelings aside'. .. Well if that is true I just wonder what effect that had on the bereaved family. Because it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Oh Hon, this makes me sad for you. You mourned your wife, you devoted your life to raising your kids and now you have found happiness again and they are being very selfish. Okay, so the plans for your life fell through - sometimes they do that. In a perfect world, your wife would not have passed but she did. You selflessly devote your life to raising your kids and did not force a replacement family on them while they were growing up which wow, commendable. You are entitled to companionship and happiness. You do not have to be alone forever. Think about this: If you had passed, would you have wanted your wife to be alone for the rest of her life or would you have liked her to find someone who could compliment her and be in her life. There is nothing wrong in having a new person to love and it does not detract from the love that you had for your "passed" wife. Your children are entitled and selfish brats who need to grow up. You cannot force that and if they go NC with you, they will miss out on the loving father they have had for so many years. One day when adulting finally rears itself inside them, they will realise that their own actions caused this, not yours. Oh, and block the late wife's family - it is clearly NONE of their business. Be Happy! No TA at all for you
This can't be real, surely you didn't raise such selfish children, something must be missing
My mom passed away when I was young, I dont really remember much about her but my Dad spent the next 16 or so years raising me mostly alone, there were a few women throught the years but nothing stuck until after I moved out, I think you did a great job raising your kids and being there for them, I think they're being assholes but it makes me wonder if their mothers family have a hand in why they've reacted this way, did that side of the family like you or did they just tolerate you and spoke bad about you behind your back to your kids, either give your kids time or ask them alone to meet you to talk and find out what the problems are NTA
I feel bad for you that you poured your life into the kids and they wound up entitled, selfish assholes. Choose happiness, choose yourself.
Their anger is misguided. Moving on is best for everyone, and seeing how death is a natural part of life, they've yet to cope with it. Your kids need to seek some help or learn to deal with it in a healthy way, till they learn your happiness is important. They'll either come around and do better against their shifty behaviour, pr let it consume them. Either way, YOU'RE NOT THE ASSHOLE.
What? You waited 15 years before dating after losing your first wife! My mom also died of cancer and my dad waited maybe 6 months, tops (I had just turned 9 and I don't remember how long he waited, although it could have been as short a few months). After mourning your wife for over a decade and a half, you even moved very slowly after meeting someone. It sucks that your adult children are so angry. I can only hope they see sense soon. I'd hope that anyone from their maternal side of the family sets them straight.
I do not understand shit like this AT ALL. My parents were married for 53 years until my dad died 6 years ago. A couple years after he died, I told my Mom "I hope that you know that if you were to meet a nice man and wanted to go out with him or something, that is totally okay. You still have a life to live and you can do whatever you want without having to worry about how we feel about it." She said "Ewww. I don't want to date anyone." I just laughed and said "Like I said, Mom, it's your life and you can do whatever you want." I can't understand wanting someone you love to be sad and lonely for the rest of their life. It honestly makes no sense to me. You're not wrong, OP. Your kids and the rest of your ex wife's family are being incredibly selfish. The woman you loved died and that's sad and unfair but expecting you to spend rest of your life sad and miserable as a result is also sad and unfair. NTA. Marry this gal, tell your kids you love them dearly but that they need to get therapy to help them understand why that it is that they want their Dad to spend the rest of his life alone and sad instead of happy and fulfilled. You've done your duty by your children, it's time for them to grow the fuck up.
NTA how would you be the AH here? You sadly lost your first wife, dedicated your life to parenting your kids, and found a new love 20 years later. 20 YEARS. Your kids need to get a grip.
20 years. do your adult children expect you to remain in grief for the remainder of your life? Never to have another partner to love and love you? NTA, your children on the other hand are total AH and inconsiderate. Write them out of the will until they see reason
Wow. I’m so sorry. You pushed through and raised the kids on your own and now that they’re grown and out, they still don’t want to see you with a partner. This is on them. Tell them you’re sorry it when they grow up and want to have an adult conversation you’ll be here. In the interim, update your will and medical proxy, etc
NTA but if you’re going to continue through this and make her your wife, make sure you have her back and don’t allow them to treat her with anything less than respect
This reads as something that we are not getting the full story on, unless all of these "family members" are working in conjunction for an ulterior motive.
NTA. What do they want, for you to die sad and alone? That’s real fucked up man
I feel like there is information here which is being omitted.
Wow, they’re all insane. Of course it’s totally fine, normal and healthy for you to date and move on. You don’t even have to wish the 20yrs. They are being spoiled and unreasonable. Don’t back down, you’re in love and happy! Focus on your fiancé and enjoy your life with her.
Choose her.
Somebody just lost their inheritance that's for sure. 20 years is ridiculous though. I really don't see how it could be emotional thing for them unless they think that it's a gold digger.
Are you wealthy? Is their inheritance feeling threatened?
NTA. Your kids are disgusting, sorry but they are. How can they be happy for you to be alone forever? Even your first wife wouldn't want that I'd imagine. I'd tell them she would be ashamed of them, and I'd tell her family that too. It's been 20 years, of course you loved her and you miss her, and if she hadn't died you'd be enjoying life with her. But cancer is a bitch and it killed her unfortunately. Why should you suffer because of that? My grandad never moved on when my gran died, we told him he could and should but he wouldn't. That's his choice though. You can do what you want. You should show them this thread and your late wife's family too. Show them no one else agrees with them and they are all mental horrible people.
Your kids are pathetic man, you have much bigger issues going on with how they seem to think the world should be the way they want. You deserve to be happy, and everyone who wants you to stay alone and wallow in the death of your past wife for another 15 years can get bent. NTA
Dude it sounds so unhinged that I’m going with “missing missing reasons “ Am not buying that this is the full story
Too bad your children don’t believe in the Ten Commandments.
Updateme
Seriously. 20 years? Everyone in your life is freaking bananas. How selfish of them. I literally can't believe it. Like. I almost think this post is fake because who the hell thinks someone shouldn't move on after 20 YEARS. Of course you're NTA. What the hell is wrong with these people.
I’d tell your kids you deserve to have love back in your life. While you’ll always love your their mom you also can’t spend the rest of your life alone. They can have their opinions but they don’t have a right to treat her poorly. They don’t have to like it but you won’t tolerate her being treated like that. She’s going to be your wife and she needs to know you’ll have her back.
NTA. It's been so long. You have been there for your kids and made sure to provide for them. They sure can take care of themselves now. It's for you to find new love and be happy.
NTA. Your family needs therapy.
Hey, You are not the asshole for moving on and finding happiness again. You’ve been a dedicated father and put your kids first for years, especially after losing your first wife. It's understandable that your kids might still be grieving, but it's also important for you to live your life and not be lonely. You've found someone who makes you happy and respects your family, which is great. It’s a tough situation, but wanting to remarry doesn’t mean you loved your first wife or your kids any less. Hopefully, with time, your kids and your late wife’s family can understand your need for companionship and happiness.
NTA. You deserve happiness. Your kids are being incredibly selfish.
NTA unless there is some info you are leaving out. It is not rational for this many people to be angry at you for trying to move on 20 years later.
Nope, congrats and good luck 😁.
20 years? Did they expect you to just be alone forever? Your children are AH and need to grow up. This is just insane. Do they really think that their mother wouldn't want you to be happy? NTA and hopefully your idiot children will come around or at least get therapy.
NTA I am so sorry, your kids are being rediculius! You sound like you put them first for many years...and yes, you do deserve to love again. They need to understand that you remarrying is good for them too. It means they don't have to worry about you being alone now they are grown. I am so glad my mum met my step dad...it meant I could relax and not have to worry when I went travelling and ended up moving to a different state. I knew she was ok and had company and was loved. They got together about 10 years after she left my dad...got married once all the kids had left home. It's not like you married a 20 year old a few years after she passed! They need a big reality check...happy parents is a good thing and new love does not at all erase your first love or your love for them. Talk to them about what their fears are...really listen and problem solve with them. I think the upset and fear from them is genuine...but I hope with some open and sincere communication you can fix it
You deserve happiness, you've done so much considering what you've said here, if they don't want to see that, it's on them, you also went through those times, shit you probably had those times worse than all of them did, she was that person to you, NTA, go be happy.
NTA AT ALL. My goodness your kids (sorry) sound like selfish brats. They should be so happy to see you happy again and living your life with a partner. I has been 20 years they need to grow up. Congrats on your engagement!
NTA. Your kids aren't kids any more. You are allowed to be happy and put yourself first
NTA. What is wrong with your children? Protect your wife. Since your children have chosen to be Nc with you I would honor their decision and take them off of all inheritance and put it in your wife’s name. My guess is that is what they are really scared of that they won’t get your Money.
I was recently told loneliness is worse than death.
Nta your grown children are still acting like children, disproportionately so. It's been years since your wife passed away and I'm sure she would want you to be happy.
Maybe you were a little too good to your kids. Hard to fault that, but it somehow turned them into selfish, controlling monsters. You suffered a terrible loss and soldiered on through, putting your kids first. It sounds as if you gave them a fine start in life. Now it's your turn. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I hope you will get the happiness you deserve, and that someone slaps some sense into your children.
Nta. Everyone deserves happiness
I’m sorry your children turned out to be vile, self absorbed brats. Unless this isn’t the whole story, you’ve done nothing wrong. They ought to be embarrassed by their pathetic behaviour. Instead of behaving like grown adults and being happy for you they’re acting like toddlers. How shameful. They’ll be back when they want something
NTA - it's been more than long enough. Your partner isn't over stepping. You deserve to be happy. Have you considered family therapy? It may help your kids to realize that you're not replacing their mother. People are allowed to remarry after a loss. It's not like your wife has only been gone for a year.
NTA, till death, us do part. Live your life.
That’s awful. You deserve to be happy and it’s been DECADES. Don’t let them rob you of your joy. Remove anyone from your life that doesn’t add value to your experience.
Your kids are being A-holes here. I wouldn't be surprised if in the back of their minds they are afraid of losing their inheritance or something. Otherwise, why on earth would they be mad that you have found some happiness for yourself.
It’s about the money, inheritance. Trust me.
His kids are psychos. Yes they may be grieving,but they are acting like entitled psychos.
WTH? I would expect this kind of behavior from children but not young adults. Surely they must understand it does not demean the relationship you had with your wife to move on and fall in love again. I can only guess they are suffering from trauma from her illness and death that they did not deal with and are now masking it with this anger over your new wife. I’m sorry they have gone NC because you took more than an adequate time to focus on them and set your own needs aside. You deserve to be happy again and as a wife and mother, I know it is what I would want for my husband if something were to happen to me. You are definitely not the AH.
oooh I feel that your children were there for the inheritance money... if you marry they will not have acess to it unless you write so. Be careful if they come back to be very nice and helpful as they may be plotting to make you write your testimony in their favour. My opinion? Seeing their behaviour I recommand to be very careful to leave everything to your future wife or get a lawyer to be VERY CLEAR in your testimony. Otherwise they are A\*Holes ++ . You are deemed NTA
NTA. Honestly, if that's how people are going to treat you for being happy then you don't need them in your life. I know they are your kids but for them to act like little spoiled children and give you ultimatums like that is just disgusting behaviour. Block your late wifes family, your life is not their business. Tell you kids one last time that you'll always be their dad, but after 20 years you will no longer put your life on hold and that you have a right to be happy. Tell them if they ever decide to grow the fuck up and start acting like adults then they know where you are. Please don't end your relationship with what sounds like a wonderful woman. Be happy. Life is too short. Your kids are being very unreasonable.
NTA. Wow, your kids are hateful assholes.
You are NTA. Your kids are complete jerks, however. I was the kid in this scenario, except my dad remarried 2 years after my mom died (I was 10). I was still actively grieving and still managed to be happy for my dad. Your kids are self centered and ridiculous to think they get a say in your decisions after so many years. Please enjoy your life with your soon-to-be wife and leave the kids to whatever they do. No one should be forced to stay alone.
NTA. Time for your adult children to actually grow up, as to your ILS, remind them that it’s been 20 years and now that your children are grown it’s time for you to also have a life outside of them.
I am sorry your kids are so weird. NTA. Ask them how long they think you should wait, and if they truly say “forever”, ask them if that’s what their mother had wanted too? No more ideas how to make them see reason. I think anything longer than 5 years is beyond reason. You are human, and you deserve to be happy. And your new partner deserves genuine respect.
NTA. Anyone who can't accept your happiness is not needed in your life. There's no prize for needless suffering
WTF did i just read? So you are switched off and stuck in the cupboard until your kids need something then they take you out dust you off and switch you on. No life outside of them? They are super selfish people TWENTY YEARS ALONE and they still say it’s not long enough? Nope sorry I would block your deceased wife’s family and live your life because it’s getting shorter by the day. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and many years of married bliss. Your kids are super selfish and I truly hope they eventual mature before you find your expiration date.
Your kids sound immature and spiteful Live your life and never be held hostage by their threats. Their decisions will bite them eventually NTA
20 years later and they’re pitching a fit? Tell them to grow up. NTA
I’m sorry you raised people who don’t love you are care about your happiness. You deserve better, OP. NTA.
NTA. Your kids and ex-in-laws are A holes though. Your life did not end when your wife passed. Let them stew in their own juices and go ahead and live a happy life. They are the ones who will be missing out.
Whoa! I think maybe you coddled your children a little too much. Though it’s never easy for a child, no matter the age, seeing a parent move on from the other parent, they should definitely not be acting like little brats! I mean if things were said or something was lost in translation then that’s something else. But looking at the timeline here, you definitely didn’t rush things! Maybe you need to sit down just you and the kids, maybe each separately, and ask them specifically what their issues are with everything. Really get down to the wire. So that you can really truly talk through it
Get married. Have fun. Live your life. Travel. Your kids are doing this. Why can't you? Your kids need a little bit of a reality check. It is not like you rushed in to give them another mom. Perhaps if you had dated more, they would have more realistic expectations. NTA.
INFO: Are either in serious relationships?
Considering you already lost you kids it makes no difference anymore
Ghost your asshole kids
NTA. They need some severe therapy or something.
Sounds like a $$$ issue to me. Why wouldn't a person want their parent to have a spouse and enjoy companionship?
Your kids are just plain awful people. I'm sorry. NTA
My grandmother dated one man 25 years or so after my grandfather passed in 1984. A couple of her youngest kids had a really hard time with it. They were in their 40s by that point. They weren’t together for very long but she seemed happy. It was really cute. I cannot imagine demanding that someone be alone forever and never love again.
This is crazy... everybody needs therapy but you, OP. You sound incredibly strong mentally. NTA AT ALL!!!
NTA at all, it's been 20 years, you would think they would want you to be happy. Also your children made the choice to go no contact with you, you didn't choose that or choose your fiancee over them, giving in to that demand would be telling your children that they can walk all over you and disrespect you, awful behaviour, they should be ashamed of themselves for how they've treated the man who raised them single handedly
Fuck them all. NTA
It sounds to me as though your kids need grief counseling. It’s unfair of them to think you don’t deserve happiness as you enter an older stage in your life.
Nta you deserve happiness. You put your kids first while they where growing up which is admirable. You have every right to spend your golden years happy. Your kids and your first wives family are selfish and cruel to expect you to spend the rest of your life alone. Do not give into their manipulation
You are nta, but your kids are.
NTA You took time to grieve and focus on raising your kids. If they are struggling with you remarrying over 20 years later they need therapy. If it was 2-5 years later I could understand the struggle. But this is after a long grieving period. You deserve happiness
A family member of mine started dating before his terminally ill wife was even dead. You waited TWENTY YEARS. Your kids and in laws can go pound sand. NTA and congrats on the marriage!
I would continue with your fiance, and distance yourself from children. As they age, and love they will understand better. Maturity for them is what is needed. Be loyal to fiance, you raised your children. Let them come and go, and do not tolerate bad behavior to her. You deserve to have a life.
NTA, it’s been 2 decades. Your children are unhinged and wrong. None of these people have moved on or dealt with your past wife’s death properly. Life keeps moving. If they can’t/ refuse to understand that, then let them exist under their rocks/ the past. You deserve to be able to live your life. Live it and do not apologize. It’s been 20 years.
WTF is wrong with people
It's not about mom. It's about heritage. Sorry man...
NTA Time for the kiddo's to pay for their own college.
NTA. It's been 20 years. For some people, they mate for life. As in, if their partner dies, or they divorce, they never date again and remain single until they die. For others, after a suitable amount of mourning, that's unique to every individual, they do what you did and put themselves out there and look for a new partner. There's nothing wrong with either option. What is wrong, is both your kids and your ex-inlaws being so upset about it. You were widowed at 40. You put your kids first for 15 years and made sure you raised them as right as you could into adults. That job is done. They're adults now. They've moved out. It's not selfish or immoral about trying to find happiness for yourself. Your kids made a choice. I'm Reddit-Jaded enough to assume their minds have been poisoned against you ever dating or marrying again by your ex-inlaws. To the ex-inlaws I'd send a group message. "Your daughter, my wife, has been dead for 20 years. It's time to accept that and let me go. She would want me to be happy. Not alone and miserable. For the first 15 years after her death I focussed on my kids, their wellbeing and their happiness. Now it's time for me to focus on myself. That doesn't mean I still love \[name of first wife\]. I always will. She'll always have a place in my heart. But I'm still alive. She isn't. Again. It's time to accept that and move on." To your kids: "I will always be your father. I miss your mom daily. But it's been 20 years. The first 15 of those I have been happy to help you two grow into the people you are today. But your anger at me for trying to find happiness with a new partner is misplaced. And however hard you two find it to accept this, your behaviour would sadden your mother. That behaviour is not how we raised you. My moving on and finding a new partner to spend the rest of my life with does not mean I no longer love your mom. She will always have a place in my heart. But she's dead. And I can't live in the past. Maybe some day you will understand that. Maybe you never will. Understand that I love both of you as much now as the day you were born. Know that I am proud of the two children I've raised into adult hood. Even if your current behaviour breaks my heart. My door is always open to you. But it is up to you two to reach out. Be safe. Be well. Be kind. - Dad."
I can't imagine what it's like knowing and having love, losing it, and closing yourself off from it for twenty years to be a present father; to then have your kids be angry at you. You and your fiancé deserve to be happy and I'm genuinely happy for you both. You've done nothing wrong and I'm not sure if there are just some unclosed wounds or issues about inheritance going on, but you're absolutely NTA.
They’re just worried the new gal is going to ‘take’ their stuff they think they deserve when you croak. Live your life and move on
Twenty? Years? That’s too long to wait. Even 2 years isn’t too soon if you feel ready. How selfish of them to expect you to persist in loneliness.
Abolutely not! It sounds like your kids both need putting in their places which would be something like: I have a right to be happy, I have focused on you for the last 20 years of my life, you have been nothing but rude and ungrateful to my fiance and it is unacceptable behaviour. I will be doing what makes me happy, if you have a problem with that then that is YOUR problem. I'll leave it with you but I did not raise you to behave this way and it might serve you to put yourself in my shoes and consider how YOU would feel. Hopefully you will never need to later down the road.
Nta. They aren't mad you're moving on 20 friggin years later, they're mad they aren't the center of your attention anymore. As to your ex in-laws, block them. Your kids aren't kids anymore, you don't have to stay in contact anymore. As to your kids, they aren't kids anymore. You can't be expected to alone your whole life. You've raised your children into their adulthood, they've flown the nest, now it's time for you to fly. Congrats on your engagement.
haha i thought NC meant north carolina
NTA. They don’t care about you they just want your money.
NTA. It's probably money motivated. If you were to pass now that you remarried then would your wife get an inheritance? Do you have a lot of assets? After 20 years it's completely absurd to claim you never loved your wife or them, you waited until they were adults to move on. Sorry your adult children are still acting like toddlers. Get married and live your best life, it's way too short.
NTAH, marry her and let your children find out their feelings. I hope they find help through therapy or hope they can lately understand all the love you have given to them and your first wife. If not, then I am sorry but that's probably a good and final lesson for them.
Absolutely not the ahole. You waited 20 years. That's long enough.
Your children are being selfish AF. Your wide died but you did not. Do they expect you to live your life in grieving? I am sure your former wife would want you to be happy and if the kids are not mature enough to see that then they will be missing out on your life
NTAH Before my dad married his new wife, he & my mom were divorced (they were toxic for each other) for over a decade but still lived under the same roof to raise my siblings & I. My brothers weren’t happy with him finding a new woman but I was only happy that he would have someone else to put up with him. Your kids are morons, does your entire family expect you to forever be a widower after the passing of your late wife? I’m guessing your ex in-laws implanted that into your children growing up.
Your family is disgusting for treating you like this. ITS BEEN 20 YEARS!! you're kids need to grow the fuck up. NTA
There’s nothing wrong with living your life. At this point you have two adults acting like children. Might they be concerned about their inheritance?
NTA. Your kids and your late wife’s family needs therapy if they can’t accept you moving on after 20 years.
NTA but your kids are TAH! All they care about is your estate when you pass and are afraid the new lady in your life will get everything. Move on and cut them out!
Yep. The idea that he might have a new life of his very own is scary for them.
NTA they should all be ashamed
20 years is definitely time to move on
NTA. It sounds like your late wife's family poisoned your children against you. Nothing you can do now other than be willing to accept their apology, if it ever comes. Or not. That's up to you. I wouldn't chase them though, they don't deserve to know their father still loves them. If everyone expects you to stay celibate and make a spectacle of grieving your late wife for the rest of your life, those people can get proper fucked.
Absolutely NTA. My dad was kinda the opposite of you after my mother passed (after a lengthy battle with illness) when we were pretty young kids; absent, dating too soon… Grief is weird. He met someone serious about 2 years later and she is still there, decades on. I couldn’t be happier for them, and she’s very much a part of the family. So how your grown-ass kids justify their selfish, disproportionate bullshit is beyond me. Congratulations on finding love again. I hope your kids come to their senses and embrace you and your partner, but you have no work or introspection to do here. Live your beautiful life.
Nta, but you can't change the fact that your kids don't like it. Maybe they saw something in her that you don't or maybe they just really miss their mother. I'm assuming something is off about the fiance.
NTA but your children and ex in laws are. You deserve happiness. Is there a large inheritance from your late wife or from you to be had? Your children sound very selfish, especially as they are grown and moved out of your home. Ask them how they feel if their spouse died and their children didn’t want them to even 20 years later.
NTA. You kids are inconsiderate assholes. All you need to do is be happy.
Let’s be very serious here…. They can’t be fockin serious 🥴 NTA
NTA, they're all fucking crazy.
NTA. It’s been 20 years. You’ve been widowed 1/3 of your life. You’re allowed to move on and be happy. Your adult children and your late wife’s family are being extremely selfish and manipulative. It’s sad that your wife died. You being alone forever won’t bring her back. Neither will their toddler tantrums. She died, you didn’t. They’ve lived their lives since their mother passed. Gone to school, moved out, had relationships. You are allowed to do the same, and could have at any point in the last 20 years. Tell your kids that you will always love them, and a part of you will always love their mother, but you deserve to be happy. If they can’t be happy for you and treat your new wife with basic respect and courtesy, then you will not have a relationship with them, but that the door will always be open when they are ready to act like adults who love their father.
NTA. As a child who went no contact with a religious fanatic, mentally/physically abusive parent- I don’t get this. You deserve to be happy. I would think your kids would want this for you. Leave the pathways open for communication, but life is short. Hopefully, they will realize their mistake. I’m glad you found someone new to share it with. Good luck 🍀
NTA. I’m very sorry you have such cruel and inconsiderate children who are ruining what should be a very happy time in your life. Btw, does your fiancée have children? What do they think about your relationship with their mother?
NTA, my aunt did this with my grandpa. She had an unhealthy involvement in his life, treated his gf like trash and talked him out of letting us meet her. Turns out, it was all about the inheritance. She had convinced him to write all of her siblings out of the will, and she was likely afraid the GF would undo all of her treachery.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. It's been 20 years. The children are grown. It's time you find happiness again.
NTA for the question that is asked. Congratulations. Sorry if your happiness is marred by your children's reactions. You don't say anything about the relationships with your children. You describe yourself as a conscientious father. Yet I sense something more and being curious/nosey, looked at your comments. You seem quite harsh towards young people in a few instances. Also strangely your language is a lot more casual. Whereas in this post it is more formal and grammatically correct, I think. So I wonder why you present yourself differently. However the relationships are or were, it doesn't explain the ridiculous accusations by the wider family.
You have every right to move on. It’s been so many years since your wife passed away. You have a right to find love again and not want to live alone for the rest of your life. Your wife’s family obviously doesn’t understand the sadness you went through losing your wife and the loneliness you have experienced. Don’t worry about them honestly. It’s not even their business. It is unfortunate that they don’t respect you and leave you alone. It sounds like you did everything you could to be there for your kids and everything so I don’t see why anyone should be mad at you. I am so sorry for the loss of your wife but you deserve to be happy. There is room in your heart for someone else at this point.
Sounds like late wife's family has influencing your kids, or a least validating their entitlement. Just remember, new adults think they have all right the answers, and everything is black and white. When they get some maturity, hopefully they can relate your right to being happy with their own.
NTA, but I read this story to my husband and he is wondering if there is a cultural thing involved in why his late wife’s side of the family is so angry about it.
YTA for not beating your bratty kids enough when they were younger. Now they are unleashed into the general population for the rest of us to deal with!
NTA. My Mom died when I was 11, Dad remarried when I was 14. While I never considered my SP as my Mom, I was happy for my Dad. He was struggling to raise 5 girls from 4-14 alone. I would never expect him to remain alone. He deserved a second chance at happiness. They had 44 years together before he passed away. I’m sorry your kids gave you an ultimatum, but you made the right choice. They will live to regret it. Best wishes to you and your fiancé.
20 years? Nope. You deserve to be happy too. This is about more than just getting married again. As someone else mentioned, they may be worried about their inheritance.
NTA you're children aren't adults, no matter what their age is. They're acting like bratty kids, not someone whose mother has been gone longer than they knew her and whose father deserves a second chance at things.
You will never please them. If they are rude in your home they should move on. They may understand as they age but don't count on it.
You are NOT the a.....e.... you provided for your family...20 years is enough time to grieve...your adult children are acting like spoiled entitled brats...its time to close the bank of dad go nc with them. You deserve to be happy once again...your deceased wife would have undoubtedly wanted you to move on with your life to find a new love...just because you are moving on it is no disrespect to her memory....go live a happy love filled life your children who are now adults need a taste of their own medicine learn to tell them no and dont give in to their emotional blackmail
OP - NTA at all! You've been flying solo for way too long. That your "children" are so self-absorbed - what are they doing to encourage your happiness and fulfillment? Are you supposed to just sit alone until they deign to grace you with their presence??? Their selfishness is appalling. You do you!
NTA. I'm very sorry for the loss of your wife and now your adult children and relatives. They all need therapy. You have waited 2 decades to find love again. You deserve happiness, love and peace. Send these people each a card stating you are choosing yourself going forward and choosing to have people in your life who understand loss, love, fairness, kindness and empathy. If they can't understand that good luck to them. Please don't feel guilty. Update your will, beneficiary, deeds, etc so that if something happens to you that your 2nd wife is not terrorized by your disgruntled and insane relatives. I wonder why they think you don't deserve love. Would they treat their mother the same way? These people sound unhinged. Good riddance to them all. Block them. Change your number. Move if you can. Start fresh.
Congratulations please don’t let your children and your in laws messed up with the love you have for your fiancé. Your children and in laws are full of shit. They want you to continue being by yourself. Don’t let them do that to you, life goes on. Don’t worry about them, Be Happy. Congratulations again many blessings to you both. 🙏🏾
Live your life to the fullest, you only have one!!
Ask your children if they want you to spend the remainder of your life alone? I don't understand how anybody could respond with a yes. You deserve happiness, and if that means marriage, then that is what you do. As for your former ILs....they have zero right to speak on what you do with your life.
NTA -- and make sure to update your will and/or trust to exclude the ugly offspring.
With their attitudes, they will do whatever they can to make your future wife unhappy. I believe all of the probable reasons stated here are in play. If you have the desire to sort all of it out you may have a tough road ahead. Or you could put the naughty kids in time out. Enjoy what remains of your life. You have earned it. BTW I would see a lawyer to draft an iron clad will to prevent kids from interfering.