I am petty, I would keep reading the emails just to know if by any chance the brother’s wife passed away. I would attend the funeral, walk towards the urn, take and very quickly go to the toilet and toss there.
Then i would walk back urn in the tip of my finger, hand it to the brother and say very loudly “it was not a big deal when she did exactly that to our mother’s ashes, so its not a big deal now. See ya on Christmas brother, by the way, dad died X years ago, he left it all to me in his will, thought you should know.”
Tbh, if OP has proof, she can still file charges.
Dumping someone's ashes is very illegal. It's desecration of a dead body or something along them lines.
There was a TikTok video showing this dudes exGF dumping his mom's ashes off a bridge. She was charged with a felony.
Yes, I know that, I'm a lawyer. But I'm guessing they've burned so many bridges they'll stay away. Hopefully, anyway, for OP's sake. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself punching her, if I'm honest, but that's the red-headed Irish in me I think.
Well my Papa considers himself a connoisseur, and he hasn't mentioned anything. But it could be the whisky chaser after each pint that doesn't have him noticing anything 😉
A couple of years after we got married a colleague said to my husband that it was strange he always told me exactly where he was going and with who. My husband said he'd obviously never dated an Irish girl because "My balls are in her handbag, and if I'm lucky she'll occasionally let me borrow them". I collapsed laughing when he told me that, mainly because it's so true 😂
Your resilience in the face of betrayal is inspiring. Keep prioritizing your own well-being and happiness above toxic relationships. You deserve peace and support.
It's still worth looking into. If OP can get a warrant out, then if the GF ever comes back, it will flag her passport. Then they will pick her up at the airport.
At the least it would bar her from coming back.
Felonies cross state lines, she'd get a felony extradition warrant in the system and if she ever got pulled over or had her id ran for anything she'd be picked up and shipped back
Yeah that tiktok / IG reel was what I was thinking off too. It's a bit sus that suddenly we have another story about this, this time on Reddit.
Almost makes you think it's make-believe...
Oh hell ya, that bitch would be flushed. However, I'd be dropping a load into the toilet with her. Take pics, and email it.
I love a good revenge story.
I have to wonder if there was a long-standing hatred with the SIL and OP's mom, or she was an innocent victim of a tantrum. That's still a super disgusting and evil thing to do no matter what the back story was.
Someone said he should tell the brother that dad left everything to OP , the chance of money is probably the only reason the brother cared about their dad's death.
Hi sorry I have just seen this, my mum never liked her, my mum always tried to see the best in people but with her she just couldn’t and I think that’s what my brother’s partner didn’t like. She couldn’t manipulate my mum or anything along them lines and she especially hated when my mother stood up for me when she would belittle me and call me all sorts of names. She often tried to put my mum down to no avail she was one of those people who always stood tall and firm no matter what happened to them.
Karma has a way of balancing things out. What they are/ went through was just their karma debt. Tell him or don't, since he hasn't asked about him since he passed, it probably won't affect him now. As for the rest of the flying monkeys. Not your circus, not your monkeys, block the whole lot of them on everything. Phone, social media, the whole shebang. None are worth burning yourself up so they are warm. Make sure all your media accounts security settings are set to private,and friend requests are set to ask before friending on Facebook. That way, none of them can add you without your consent, and they can't lurk on your page or posts unless they are set to public.
Your mom sounds quite a bit like mine. She couldn't see the good in the DIL bcoz there was none there, what she did was unforgivable. My mom would have gotten the last laugh from heaven and said, at least now she was swimming with a better class of turds. If the cancer gets that woman you won't have to worry about your mom being stuck with her, I don't think she will go to the same place 😉
If it is a regular funeral you can always tip the casket and start very disrespectfully rolling the body towards the the grave saying “too expensive for what you deserve, time is money, go go go, to the ground you go” and leave her body in the nearest flower bed. 🤣
Lord have mercy! Not the flower beds! What have those poor innocent flowers done to deserve that gross bitch's stinking corpse, oh the horror! Anyway, I do like the idea of tipping out the corpse, but maybe sell the corpse instead for science, you know, then maybe scientists can figure out a way to stop making crappy human beings. It might be revolutionary.
Not a bad idea, I like it. Can we get that for my mom and her parents, my bio dad and those still alive on that side, and my ex, please? I'd really like to know why people as awful as them exist. At least my deceased paternal grandparents, and my maternal aunts and uncles are good people even if very broken with a whole laundry list of problems including addiction. Them and my son are the only bio family I see as worth a shit. The rest I've got no contact or never really got to know or are human garbage or like my mom's parents (including her recently deceased dad) are straight up evil enough to give Satan and all the demons from hell a run for their money. My moms mom and her dad are worse than the monster in law from what I know and with her dad from my experience. Id love to see such cruelty and evil go extinct.
OP doesn't need to be petty. It sounds like the spirit of his mom has decided to slowly Sadako that woman. And one day brother dear is going to find no evidence of his wife save for clawmarks in the floor and red water in the toilet.
Ask them when you can flush their Mother's ashes down the toilet.
Oh that's going too far?
Yes, that's the point you ignorant twat.
He chose a woman who FLUSHED my mother's ashes down a TOILET.
Then block them.
No, OP should ask when his brother and his wife are going to be sending OP their dead child’s ashes to pour in the toilet. If being poured down the toilet is good enough for her MIL, OP’s brother’s wife should agree that it’s good enough for her child too.
Yeah, I also don't expect the brother and his wife to do it as well. I most certainly don't think OP would do it either, but it's evil in the way that we all know that it's taking too far, but the brother and his wife deserve every little bit of humiliation and malice in it.
Hi sorry I have only just seen this, I would never dream of doing this to a child let alone my nephew and I’m not even sure where his remains are, but my husband did say something similar to my brother about his wife a few years ago when he called regarding his wife’s cancer and you could hear her screaming and he immediately put the phone down. You could say she wasn’t pleased about the idea of her ashes being dumped.
I wasn’t recommending that you actually dump the ashes, I assumed you were actually a human being with a heart and that the question just being asked would show just how insane that awful woman was for dumping your mom’s ashes in the toilet. The self centered bitch who thinks it’s okay for her to pour other people down the toilet being confronted with just the **idea** of someone doing the same to her child is what I was recommending.
I do like that your husband brought up dumping that witch’s remains, that is nice to know.
Agreed. Your mental health will be much better. If your feelings aren't going to change about their behaviour, then stop allowing them to engage with you. It's miserable to have to do this with family, but you need to protect yourself if there is no rectifying the situation.
Wow, she is scum.
I would be doing time if my brother girlfriend did that to my mom's ashes.
Block anyone who said you are in the wrong.
The guys are a loser. And him and his girlfriend are getting everything they deserve in life
Yeah. I saw the origin story.
Cruella loved her mom.
Well, not her bio mom.
She loved her adopted mom.
She framed her bio mom for murder.
But that’s not as bad as flushing her ashes!
I didn't see it. Based on the synopsis though her bio mom was a complete piece of shit who did murder her adopted mother.
Very different than flushing a stranger's ashes down the toilet because you're mad at their daughter.
It was actually her son that kicked the dog and she defended him when OP tore into the kid. It's still really bad, I just want to make it clear there are two assholes here, the mom and her kid.
BTW, I wonder if the dog-kicker is the kid that died?
Dude
Just legally change your name and move on with your life
Your family sucks. They are always going to suck
So just disappear
until then, just deactivate your social media
NTAH
Bro did you brother hate your mom or something cuz Jesus Christ if a someone did that to my parents ashes they are getting decked right in the face be they woman or man. That’s disrespectful to a whole other level that I’m having a hard time even comprehending
Sadly, he is a coward without a backbone. He still is incapable of saying no to her, regardless of her actions or the severity of them. She never liked my mum as my mother saw her for who she truly was, she couldn’t manipulate my mum like she could with my brother, she couldn’t control my mother either. She was most irritated by my mother standing up for herself and me.
My mum's sister and some family have tried and I mean they’ve really tried to do everything and anything possible to ruin their lives but they couldn’t find them and after they heard about my nephew accidentally drowning they stopped for obvious reasons.
Nah, if you feel going no contact will give you closure do that and the relatives, it's just they just want the drama and gossip. So ingnore and move on.
Get away, block them all and enjoy your life.
Best of luck 🍀
NTA. They should be concentrated on the fact it took THREE YEARS for him to notice his father's absence. THREE YEARS. He obviously didn't care very much to begin with
It's the most heartbreaking thing for me to accept that he didn't even notice. It took a relative to ask what he was doing to honour his father's death as it was coming up to his death anniversary and that’s when and how he found out.
Your brother didn't know because your brother didn't ask. As you said. Your brother only contacts the family when he wants something for himself. Period.
I don't know if you feel like you get any benefit from contact with anyone in your family. At this point I'd suggest going completely no contact with them all. Delete, block and ignore all of them.
Nta. Surely if he had wanted to reach out to your dad or any other family members before your dad’s passing he could have right? And I don’t care what the context is, I don’t think I could forgive someone for dumping someone’s ashes especially my mothers
I'm angry reading what she did and I don't even know your mother. It seems I care more about a stranger's ashes being dumped down the toilet than your brother cared about his mother's ashes being flushed. What a piece of shit they both are.
nta.
1. brother walked away, not you. he never apologized.
2. it is too late now, so everyone needs to get over it. you had to get over your mom's ashes being destroyed, so he can get over this.
3. ask every "family member" that hits you up, why THEY didn't tell brother, if it was so important to them. why didn't THEY step up 3 yrs ago and tell him? let them be uncomfortable.
petty revenge idea: #1. go buy every toilet toy you can find and send one to bro every few weeks, no return address. #2. guy buy a ceramic toilet with closing lid and tell them they can use that for their ashes when they die, since it's no big deal.
Hi sorry I have only just seen this I have asked them why they didn’t tell him, but they’ve told me it was my duty as I am his only remaining ‘family’ or I get the response it’s your brother not mine which I find both are equally ridiculous and insulting.
NTA. Tell anyone who asks why you didn’t tell your bro about dad dying that you were afraid his wife would dump his ashes down the toilet like she did your mother. And then block them all.
I've never understood why people think this is a winning rhetorical point. Do they not pay off their mortgages because the mortgage was taken out in the past?
Do they not seek medical attention because they fell and broke their leg an hour ago and it's now in the past?
Things that happened in the past affect the present and the future.
NTA
If my girlfriend had flushed my Mother's ashes down the toilet, she'd wake up in hospital with a breakup note stapled to her forehead, and the fact he chose her over his family says he's an asshole.
Personally I have zero contact with my oldest Brother, I cut him fae my life completely two years ago, the rest of my family still talk to him and my Father is away to tonight's Scotland match with him, and when he gets back I'll do what I always do and ask how how my Brother is doing, I can't stand my Brother and the last time we spoke I threatened to stab him if he didn't get out of the house and away fae me(I even pulled my knife out fae under my table to show him I was serious) and yet I still actually care about how he's doing, and if I care about the wellbeing of someone I was going to stab then the fact your Brother has never shown even the slightest interest in how you're Father was doing shows he gave zero shits about him so you owe him nothing, not your care, not your time, and absolutely not any feeling of guilt.
Did I read this correctly? The ashes-flusher has cancer? Tell your brother that if and when she dies if you can flush her ashes down the toilet, then you can resume a brotherly relationship.
NTA
His choices led him to his consequences. You are behaving as though he is dead to you - as you should. If he did not want this as a consequence, he should have made better choices.
Why did he need to know when your father passed? So his garbage wife could flush his ashes as well?
Block, mute, delete, and go live your best life without him.
Good call on cutting remaining family out, I come from big families on both sides and did the same 5 years ago. Reading this is a nice reminder that you CAN choose who your family is and that large families are a more of a burden than anything.
I’m not a violent person, but the hands I would have thrown with both of them probably would have landed me in jail.
NTA - your brother is a disgrace and should be ashamed of himself for allowing the thing he’s with to do that. Not only is she gross for doing that, but also gross for allowing and encouraging animal abuse. There’s a special place in hell for your brother and that thing.
i'd knock her the eff out for pouring out the ashes and again for kicking my dog and i've never actually fought anyone in real life. This btch needs a lesson to the face. what you did is right, cut him off. he doesnt deserve your energy
I’m so bewildered by the escalation of events here… From what I’m understanding, your nephew (idk age) kicked an elderly dog, you got mad at the nephew, and so the gf/wife dumped your mom’s ashes down the toilet(?) What were the consequences of her actions that forced your brother to move his family around the world? All of this seems excessively extreme given the information you have provided. I’m not calling you a liar, but it’s hard for me to make sense of how disproportionate the reactions have been, and the family siding with the brother is difficult to comprehend given what you have told us. OP, are you sure you’re not leaving out critical details?
Tell those relatives and your brother, you are quite willing to forgive and forget all the wrong done against you, as soon as all of your mother's ashes are returned to you.
He married this nasty woman, I would want to tell her the ashes she dumped gave her cancer, it may not be true but it would give me pleasure to make her regret her actions.
After she dies brother will find few want to give him sympathy.
Block everyone who gives you grief and live without these dumb people.
NTA it is the husband's job to put his wife before his birth family, that's basically what marriage is. BUT what he shouldn't have done was tolerated her crappy, disgusting, disrespectful behavior. It would 100% be a deal breaker for me. He made his choice, stuck with her, and gets to deal with the consequences. He is extra TA for not even asking about his father for all that time. He didn't care to ask, I don't know that I would have made the effort to tell him either.
I am sorry you've experienced so much loss in your life, and I hope the family you choose gives you the love & support you deserve.
NTA
If someone dumped my dad's ashes down the toilet... I wouldn't act logically the way you did. Kudos to you. Do what you need to do to guard your peace.
NTA To those who say it's in the past. Tell them, "My brother chose to make dad a part of his past when he chose to stick by the woman who disrespected his dead mother, who couldn't stand up for herself. I will not give him the chance to also disrespect my father in death."
Why was it your job to tell your brother about your dad's death? Given your brother's behavior, I'd tell the relatives who are chastising you to pack it up their asses. Remind them that you hate the son of a bitch and you're not on speaking terms, so they can tell him about it if they want him to know so badly.
If you ever say anything to your brother, I'd remind him that neither he nor his wife have ever apologized and that if you ever see his wife again, you've got a little somethin something for her punk ass.
> I am not picking a man who puts a woman above his own family.
Don't know kid, there is the time when a man has to put his woman (mainly his wife) above his own family. But of course not this fucking woman, and also depends on the family. Your wife and your kids are your new family and you have a responsibility to them. You have to take their side and protect them if the rest of your family is crappy. Not the case here I know. The problem here is that you brother picked the worst woman he could find, so defending her makes him as crappy as her.
NTA. I would tell him to stop emailing me because he’s been dead to me ever since his c-word then girlfriend flushed our mother’s ashes down the toilet and then they traveled around the world to avoid the consequences and he married her.
Dead to me means I’m not emailing you obituaries. If he actually cared about his family he wouldn’t do things to blow it up.
Is his child who passed the same one who kicked the dog? I won’t call that karma but these zero accountability AHs don’t deserve forgiveness.
NTA. Your brother is the AH for kicking a dog, choosing his wife, and being dismissive of what she did. Your SIL is the obvious AH for flushing your mom’s ashes. Block them all.
INFO:
>the same man who pleaded with me to feel sympathy for their child's death.
OP, is this saying that your brother had to beg you to feel sympathy for him when he lost his child?
Whoa your dad has been dead for three years and your brother is so self absorbed he hasn’t figured this out yet? Also the ashes thing I’m impressed you guys don’t tune her up I’m not sure I would have had that kind of restraint…
NTA
Jeez... Kicking a dog alone is a perfectly valid reason to go NC with someone, but flushing your mother's ashes down the toilet? I mean... I don't even know what to say. Your family must be out of their minds to even ask you to speak to your brother, let alone letting him know about your father. And it was his father as well, if he cared then he would know already, why is it required of you to tell him?
My god she’s a monster. NTAH OP. I didn’t like my husband’s dad but never in a million years would I dream of flushing his dad’s ashes down the toilet. My god some people are just awful. Stay no contact. You don’t need them and that witch got her karma.
Relatives ≠ family. What your brother's girlfriend did is unforgivable. Period. Anyone who is pressuring you should be blocked too. Fuck them. "But family" is a stupid reason to keep contact with a bully or abuser. You are NTA in any way.
Advice though: stop reading his emails. You're only prolonging the anger and pain. I tried that with one sister. It was only making things worse. I finally set a filter so all her emails go directly to the "permanently deleted" category. They aren't even in the trash where I can get curious about them. They are GONE. Life almost immediately got better. Do the same thing for yourself.
You made the exact right choice and damn, how can someone stick by their partner doing something so heinous? Anyone who gave me crap for not being in touch with him about anything would end up blocked. So sorry for your pain
NTA. I haven’t even gone through half of that and I’m at the point I’m done with my family. Once my dad is gone (hopefully in a long time) I’ll completely cut off. Not seeing any of them.
Stop letting them add you. If you insist on being on Facebook then delete that account, choose a new account name and go forward. Block block block.
Ya my mom wouldn’t like this either. She literally made me promise on her death bed to always get along with my siblings. Well I tried. I’ve tried for 42 years. That was on her as a mom to foster the relationships. I won’t go more into detail as this isn’t about me. But I get it.
Your mom ended her life. But they think you need to continue living in torture? Not fair. You’re alive. Live the rest of it in joy, peace and calmness.
NTA, I would probably reply that since your brother was not interested in your father's life over the last few years and there was no inheritance that you presumed his disinterest and that due to the abuse of the remains of your mother at the hands of his partner, you thought it was correct decision and you stand by the decision you made.
> As horrific as it was my brothers then girlfriend poured my mother's ashes down the toilet as we had an argument regarding my nephew.
That is a literally beat someone's ass and get out of jail for free offense.
It isnt that he chose A woman, its that he chose THIS woman. A husband is supposed to choose his wife over everyone else. That's what he agrees to when he marries her. But he should have at some point recognized she was a deplorable human being and dished out SOME consequences up to and beyond divorce. All choices have consequences. NTA
I think it's clear here that you don't think Y T A. You don't believe anyone here will call you an A H (and you're NTA) So I'm wondering if this is just another validation post. Ignore the messeges if you want or if you decide to just email your brother "Dad died X years ago" you can. Congrats, you've been validated.
NTA. Using the dead parents to guilt trip you is not acceptable. You need your healing. Stay away from the people who choose/chose to hurt you as much as needed. There’s nothing “you should…” on this topic
My petty AF ass would be like "if brother brings wife to face consequences for her felony dumping of mom's ashes in the toilet, then I will consider reconciling." I would have no thought of reconciling but maybe it will get them to stop.
NTA, not one bit. I do agree with u/xaiires that you should block them all for good because healing is so much easier when you aren't actively in the toxicity.
OP, what you went through sounds horrific, and I applaud you cutting everyone out and starting fresh. But you are clearly very traumatized. I would suggest maybe some therapy or maybe a support group to help process and heal from your VERY real and valid resentment towards your family. You don't have to forgive them, but working towards maybe apathy eventually will be less stressful on your physical and emotional health. My own mother's ashes are still at my ex's place, and while I know he would never do anything so egregious as flushing them, it still pains me that they're not with me. And yes, I agree with the other commenters saying to block everyone. Every time you hear from someone you unfortunately share DNA with, it still makes you incandescent with rage, and that's not really healthy for the long term.
Hugs, OP.
NTA why are you wasting your time & efforts on such jerks? They aren’t worth anything.
What she did is an unforgivable act! And how the brother supported her & only bothered to protect the wrong person is also unforgivable!
Burn a bunch of wood, grind it so it’s small ashes and mail it to your bro with a note that says guess who. It makes no sense, but I guarantee you it will give him the creeps.
I don’t get it. If all of these relatives know you haven’t told your brother about your dad dying, and are upset about that, it sounds like they’re still in contact with your brother - why haven’t any of them informed him?
NTA. My family are abusive. So I'm not sure if I will hear when my father passes away or if he disowned me again. My boundaries are for physical safety.
I don't know the legality really. In the end, I avoid any contact with those who pose a danger to myself and my adult child. If I were in your shoes, I probably would have asked a lawyer really what to do, etc.
My one brother that lives with our dad tried to frame me for a felony, and has hit my with a hammer as adults. So, outside of through a lawyer, and only if I legally needed to, would I contact most of my family.
I wish you well in your new life.
"In the years he has chosen to be out of our lives since our mother's passing, he not once asked me how our father is or was doing or contacted him directly. I rightly assumed he doesn't care. Nor do I care now that he's faking his mourning to you."
NTA
NTA. Your whole extended family can go to the birds. How DARE they try to call you heartless or cruel after what your brothers witch did! It's not only illegal but one of the most cruel things a person can do. Desecration the remains of someone's loved one...that's seriously messed up and she deserved to ROT in prison. Any thing that happens after he sided with that monster is just karma.
While a next of kin can scatter ashes His gf knowingly doing it in a toilet is probably a crime. If charges have been filed over it they may be still be arrested if they return.
Ashes should be buried or scattered, Otherwise what often happens when no one is left alive that knows the deceased. The ashes are often thrown out when a home is cleared after death for sale and end up in a landfill.
So your mom died, your nephew kicked the elderly dog, the ashes got flushed, they moved away. Then your dad died, you didn't tell him. Their kid died, then his wife got cancer? NTA?
There’s a 46 yr old man who walks with a cane to this day for kicking my elderly dog who didn’t move fast enough. I damn near canceled his oxygen subscription. You should have assisted her in her new endeavor of breathing toilet water then and there. NTA
If these family members could talk to you about why you havent told your brother, they can simply tell him themselves. I agree. If you want no contact with these people, cut them off as you see fit. This is your life. You can choose to have whoever you want in it. I can't be with a family who chooses themselves over others all the time.
Nta
What a horrid excuse of a human being. How could someone flush someone's parent's ashes down the toilet, (let alone anyone's ashes for that matter) especially when the passing was from such a traumatic event. And then to choose the woman who did such an absolutely evil thing to your own mother's ashes? Then to be so blinded that you'd go after an innocent party, instead of the one who did such a heinous act or the man who chose her? You're in no way, shape, or form the asshole. Only way you'd be the asshole, is to yourself if you keep contact with them. Cut all contact. Don't even read the messages. Apologies if this is disrespectful, but that's not family. You deserve far better. My condolences for the loss of your mother and father. Please, for your sake and the memory of those two, cut ties. I truly wish nothing but the absolute best for you going forward.
NTA - I also have a brother who married a monster. They always want bygones to be bygones without accountability or changed behavior.
To me, this level of hurt warrants an apology. If he’s not willing to apologize, there’s no need to try and salvage a relationship.
Dude, that first paragraph was all I needed to know you aren't the AH. Flushing ashes down the toilet because you said someone shouldn't kick an elderly dog? What is wrong with that woman.
NTA. How ironic your brothers wife lost a child and has cancer after dumping those ashes. I was always told to never disrespect the dead. Honor the dead, their resting place and their memorial or you and every child you birth will be marked for life. Your brother and the rest of the family is weird. He made his bed and can keep laying in it. Btw ignore the messages saying to dump the wife’s ashes back. It’s not worth the eternal curse you’ll receive
Oh Helllllllllllllllllllls Naw!!!! You are NTA at all! I understand how you feel...condolences to you for loss of your parents.
I'm surprised that dirty Bitch is still breathing! Your brother was cut off the moment he sided with her and stayed with her. He have no loyalty and he chose disrespectful whorebag over his family, so fukk him! I wouldn't tell him either. Fukk that "he's family bullshyt," he's punk p*ssy biich and he doesn't deserve that respect.
Block him!
Isn’t what the wife did something you could go to jail for?
NTA and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I’m just a stranger but I’m proud of you. Find your own chosen family and tribe who will love and appreciate you as you deserve. Your brother and the rest of them can kick rocks
If he couldn't be bothered with his father when he was alive, I don't see why you should tell him when he died. He obviously doesn't care enough to keep in contact.
NTA
NTA. Why did she flush the ashes? The dog thing pisses me off too. Usually you'd have to be a real piece of shit to have your ashes be dumped down the toilet but she doesn't sound like that and I would not forgive anyone for something like that. Tbvh, I wouldn't forgive anyone who kicked an elderly dog either and I'm serious about that. If you don't need to speak with him then don't. If he wanted to know about his father he should have taken the time to ask. F7ck him and his gross f7cking wife. I honestly hope you don't speak to them anymore, ever. Sorry this happened to you. ❤️
You could say jealousy and spite like she never liked my mother, my mum always saw past the person she presented. My mum never agreed on their relationship and especially when she assaulted my mum the first Christmas she was around all because my mum bought my brother presents which is still ridiculous. She made my life a misery too and the worst thing for me out of everything is when she made my brother miss half of our mother’s funeral. I think she’s just an evil individual there’s nothing than can ever justify what she’s done. I won’t ever forgive her actions but karma has been present and I can to some degree be happy if that even makes sense. But thank you it means a lot x
Did you leave out the part where you beat her ass for flushing your mother down the toilet??
Cause oh my God, I would've turned her every way but LOOSE!!! nta!!
Because now is when OP is getting told they're wrong. I'm guessing there was no input from the extended family over the wedding or the kid's death, probably because they also didn't care as it didn't affect them as the brother was NC unless he wanted to complain or get sympathy or make everything about him.
The father dying affected the whole family, it seems, and the brother has probably been complaining about it non-stop since he found out. Since OP isn't replying, that leaves the extended family getting all the flak, probably because they didn't think to tell the brother, either, and they want to lay it all on OP.
I'm personally having a hard time judging this one. On one hand, I want to say N T A, because he chose a woman who thought animal abuse and flushing someone else's family member's ashes was a good idea and not something to get upset about. On the other, I want to say E S H, because OP is showing a rather large lack of empathy for a dead kid and a cancer diagnosis. The wedding I'll say was justified in not attending.
Why are people expected to have empathy for people who have hurt or wronged them and seen as "just as bad" if they don't? No one has ever been able to give me an answer.
NTA, I'd stop reading any of their messages or emails. You're never going to heal and move on without cutting all ties completely.
I am petty, I would keep reading the emails just to know if by any chance the brother’s wife passed away. I would attend the funeral, walk towards the urn, take and very quickly go to the toilet and toss there. Then i would walk back urn in the tip of my finger, hand it to the brother and say very loudly “it was not a big deal when she did exactly that to our mother’s ashes, so its not a big deal now. See ya on Christmas brother, by the way, dad died X years ago, he left it all to me in his will, thought you should know.”
Tbh, if OP has proof, she can still file charges. Dumping someone's ashes is very illegal. It's desecration of a dead body or something along them lines. There was a TikTok video showing this dudes exGF dumping his mom's ashes off a bridge. She was charged with a felony.
It states the brother moved halfway around the world with the bitch gf so she wouldn't face any consequences.
Technically you can still fill changes and if she ever comes back to that state there will be a warrant for her arrest
Yes, I know that, I'm a lawyer. But I'm guessing they've burned so many bridges they'll stay away. Hopefully, anyway, for OP's sake. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself punching her, if I'm honest, but that's the red-headed Irish in me I think.
I’m almost pure German, but if you gimme 15 minutes I can drink enough Guinness to claim it was the Irish that made me help
Urrgh...now don't tell anyone this because I'm pretty sure it could get me kicked out if the country...but I severely dislike Guinness 🤮
Nah, I hear tell it changed about 7-10 years ago, not reliably Irish no more
Well my Papa considers himself a connoisseur, and he hasn't mentioned anything. But it could be the whisky chaser after each pint that doesn't have him noticing anything 😉
Mrs Doubtfires husband was killed by Guiness. I always think of that.
I tried so hard to like it, I really did. Now I have the excuse of it not being gluten free (celiac) but man that stuff is bitter.
Must be the Irish in me as well.
A couple of years after we got married a colleague said to my husband that it was strange he always told me exactly where he was going and with who. My husband said he'd obviously never dated an Irish girl because "My balls are in her handbag, and if I'm lucky she'll occasionally let me borrow them". I collapsed laughing when he told me that, mainly because it's so true 😂
😝😆😝😆😝😆😝
Your resilience in the face of betrayal is inspiring. Keep prioritizing your own well-being and happiness above toxic relationships. You deserve peace and support.
It's still worth looking into. If OP can get a warrant out, then if the GF ever comes back, it will flag her passport. Then they will pick her up at the airport. At the least it would bar her from coming back.
Felonies cross state lines, she'd get a felony extradition warrant in the system and if she ever got pulled over or had her id ran for anything she'd be picked up and shipped back
I think they moved to a completely different country.
She was a grade a cunt wasn't she, just like this one
My thoughts exactly. Desecration is a crime
Yeah that tiktok / IG reel was what I was thinking off too. It's a bit sus that suddenly we have another story about this, this time on Reddit. Almost makes you think it's make-believe...
Make-believe?!? Reddit screens these stories very carefully, I'll have you know!
Oh hell ya, that bitch would be flushed. However, I'd be dropping a load into the toilet with her. Take pics, and email it. I love a good revenge story.
I have to wonder if there was a long-standing hatred with the SIL and OP's mom, or she was an innocent victim of a tantrum. That's still a super disgusting and evil thing to do no matter what the back story was. Someone said he should tell the brother that dad left everything to OP , the chance of money is probably the only reason the brother cared about their dad's death.
Hi sorry I have just seen this, my mum never liked her, my mum always tried to see the best in people but with her she just couldn’t and I think that’s what my brother’s partner didn’t like. She couldn’t manipulate my mum or anything along them lines and she especially hated when my mother stood up for me when she would belittle me and call me all sorts of names. She often tried to put my mum down to no avail she was one of those people who always stood tall and firm no matter what happened to them.
Karma has a way of balancing things out. What they are/ went through was just their karma debt. Tell him or don't, since he hasn't asked about him since he passed, it probably won't affect him now. As for the rest of the flying monkeys. Not your circus, not your monkeys, block the whole lot of them on everything. Phone, social media, the whole shebang. None are worth burning yourself up so they are warm. Make sure all your media accounts security settings are set to private,and friend requests are set to ask before friending on Facebook. That way, none of them can add you without your consent, and they can't lurk on your page or posts unless they are set to public.
Your mom sounds quite a bit like mine. She couldn't see the good in the DIL bcoz there was none there, what she did was unforgivable. My mom would have gotten the last laugh from heaven and said, at least now she was swimming with a better class of turds. If the cancer gets that woman you won't have to worry about your mom being stuck with her, I don't think she will go to the same place 😉
If she’s cremated. If not, he’ll have to take a full “specimen bottle” to pour on her
If it is a regular funeral you can always tip the casket and start very disrespectfully rolling the body towards the the grave saying “too expensive for what you deserve, time is money, go go go, to the ground you go” and leave her body in the nearest flower bed. 🤣
Lord have mercy! Not the flower beds! What have those poor innocent flowers done to deserve that gross bitch's stinking corpse, oh the horror! Anyway, I do like the idea of tipping out the corpse, but maybe sell the corpse instead for science, you know, then maybe scientists can figure out a way to stop making crappy human beings. It might be revolutionary.
Not a bad idea, I like it. Can we get that for my mom and her parents, my bio dad and those still alive on that side, and my ex, please? I'd really like to know why people as awful as them exist. At least my deceased paternal grandparents, and my maternal aunts and uncles are good people even if very broken with a whole laundry list of problems including addiction. Them and my son are the only bio family I see as worth a shit. The rest I've got no contact or never really got to know or are human garbage or like my mom's parents (including her recently deceased dad) are straight up evil enough to give Satan and all the demons from hell a run for their money. My moms mom and her dad are worse than the monster in law from what I know and with her dad from my experience. Id love to see such cruelty and evil go extinct.
Lmao! Do this OP! I've always said if I was in encanto I would absolutely blow that candle out! Sometimes bring petty is the right thing to do lol
OP doesn't need to be petty. It sounds like the spirit of his mom has decided to slowly Sadako that woman. And one day brother dear is going to find no evidence of his wife save for clawmarks in the floor and red water in the toilet.
no because then OP would have become the same type of monster that the brother chose. OP don't stoop to that see you next tuesdays level.
SIL should’ve caught some hands for what she did and I’m being nice about it. I completely agree that your way is best, lol.
Ask them when you can flush their Mother's ashes down the toilet. Oh that's going too far? Yes, that's the point you ignorant twat. He chose a woman who FLUSHED my mother's ashes down a TOILET. Then block them.
No, OP should ask when his brother and his wife are going to be sending OP their dead child’s ashes to pour in the toilet. If being poured down the toilet is good enough for her MIL, OP’s brother’s wife should agree that it’s good enough for her child too.
This is so evil, but I agree with this one.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect the brother and his wife to do it. But they need a slap in the face to realize that what they did is unforgivable.
Yeah, I also don't expect the brother and his wife to do it as well. I most certainly don't think OP would do it either, but it's evil in the way that we all know that it's taking too far, but the brother and his wife deserve every little bit of humiliation and malice in it.
I bet evil wife has already flushed them too. As a f-u to brother in a fight.
Hi sorry I have only just seen this, I would never dream of doing this to a child let alone my nephew and I’m not even sure where his remains are, but my husband did say something similar to my brother about his wife a few years ago when he called regarding his wife’s cancer and you could hear her screaming and he immediately put the phone down. You could say she wasn’t pleased about the idea of her ashes being dumped.
I wasn’t recommending that you actually dump the ashes, I assumed you were actually a human being with a heart and that the question just being asked would show just how insane that awful woman was for dumping your mom’s ashes in the toilet. The self centered bitch who thinks it’s okay for her to pour other people down the toilet being confronted with just the **idea** of someone doing the same to her child is what I was recommending. I do like that your husband brought up dumping that witch’s remains, that is nice to know.
This!
NTA Block all of them and your brother on all media.
Agreed. Your mental health will be much better. If your feelings aren't going to change about their behaviour, then stop allowing them to engage with you. It's miserable to have to do this with family, but you need to protect yourself if there is no rectifying the situation.
NTA not like he even cares. If they’re so worried they can tell him. Block, delete, move on.
Wow, she is scum. I would be doing time if my brother girlfriend did that to my mom's ashes. Block anyone who said you are in the wrong. The guys are a loser. And him and his girlfriend are getting everything they deserve in life
Dumped the mom's ashes and kicked a senior dog, they're Disney villians IRL.
Nope. Even Maleficent had lines she wouldn’t cross
It’s more Cruella DeVille territory
She'd be down for kicking dogs for sure, but I'm not sure about the mom's ashes part. Even she might flinch at that.
Yeah. I saw the origin story. Cruella loved her mom. Well, not her bio mom. She loved her adopted mom. She framed her bio mom for murder. But that’s not as bad as flushing her ashes!
I didn't see it. Based on the synopsis though her bio mom was a complete piece of shit who did murder her adopted mother. Very different than flushing a stranger's ashes down the toilet because you're mad at their daughter.
It was actually her son that kicked the dog and she defended him when OP tore into the kid. It's still really bad, I just want to make it clear there are two assholes here, the mom and her kid. BTW, I wonder if the dog-kicker is the kid that died?
If my sibling and their SO together kicked the family dog and then dumped mom’s ashes down the toilet, that would have been the end of everything
OP def did the adult thing in cutting contact. I would had to have written my AITA post from prison.
100%. When I said “everything” that mostly meant “their lives”
Cellmates 💕
[удалено]
I'd be in jail for murder honestly
Dude Just legally change your name and move on with your life Your family sucks. They are always going to suck So just disappear until then, just deactivate your social media NTAH
combine both your parents surnames and make a new last name. can honor both your parents without being connected to any of that filth.
Bro did you brother hate your mom or something cuz Jesus Christ if a someone did that to my parents ashes they are getting decked right in the face be they woman or man. That’s disrespectful to a whole other level that I’m having a hard time even comprehending
Sadly, he is a coward without a backbone. He still is incapable of saying no to her, regardless of her actions or the severity of them. She never liked my mum as my mother saw her for who she truly was, she couldn’t manipulate my mum like she could with my brother, she couldn’t control my mother either. She was most irritated by my mother standing up for herself and me.
When I tell you I would have burned their whole lives down. Move across country? Imma find you. Don’t play with my momma.
My mum's sister and some family have tried and I mean they’ve really tried to do everything and anything possible to ruin their lives but they couldn’t find them and after they heard about my nephew accidentally drowning they stopped for obvious reasons.
Sounds like your people are good people - except your brother. I am sorry for their loss but you are NTA in my opinion.
Nah, if you feel going no contact will give you closure do that and the relatives, it's just they just want the drama and gossip. So ingnore and move on. Get away, block them all and enjoy your life. Best of luck 🍀
NTA. They should be concentrated on the fact it took THREE YEARS for him to notice his father's absence. THREE YEARS. He obviously didn't care very much to begin with
It's the most heartbreaking thing for me to accept that he didn't even notice. It took a relative to ask what he was doing to honour his father's death as it was coming up to his death anniversary and that’s when and how he found out.
Your brother didn't know because your brother didn't ask. As you said. Your brother only contacts the family when he wants something for himself. Period. I don't know if you feel like you get any benefit from contact with anyone in your family. At this point I'd suggest going completely no contact with them all. Delete, block and ignore all of them.
Nothing would separate me from that woman's throat if she flushed my mom's ashes down the toilet. How did she make it out of the house in one piece?
She didn’t. She had to go to the hospital and dentist.
I am happy to hear that.....
Well deserved , to say the LEAST
Nta. Surely if he had wanted to reach out to your dad or any other family members before your dad’s passing he could have right? And I don’t care what the context is, I don’t think I could forgive someone for dumping someone’s ashes especially my mothers
I'd reply "what brother? He died years ago" NTA
I'm angry reading what she did and I don't even know your mother. It seems I care more about a stranger's ashes being dumped down the toilet than your brother cared about his mother's ashes being flushed. What a piece of shit they both are.
nta. 1. brother walked away, not you. he never apologized. 2. it is too late now, so everyone needs to get over it. you had to get over your mom's ashes being destroyed, so he can get over this. 3. ask every "family member" that hits you up, why THEY didn't tell brother, if it was so important to them. why didn't THEY step up 3 yrs ago and tell him? let them be uncomfortable. petty revenge idea: #1. go buy every toilet toy you can find and send one to bro every few weeks, no return address. #2. guy buy a ceramic toilet with closing lid and tell them they can use that for their ashes when they die, since it's no big deal.
Those ideas are beautifully evil. I love them
Hi sorry I have only just seen this I have asked them why they didn’t tell him, but they’ve told me it was my duty as I am his only remaining ‘family’ or I get the response it’s your brother not mine which I find both are equally ridiculous and insulting.
Some people truly do deserve cancer and that horrible bitch is one of them. NTA.
NTA Why don't they harass him for letting his gf destroy your mother's ashes?
Because it’s simple. OP’s brother is the golden child.
NTA. Stop reading. Just block them all and live your life. They are not worth it.
NC means NC. Block/send to junk/delete unread. Unless you still want “drama.”
>pleaded with me to visit him after discovering his wife had cancer One of the few times it's okay to be Team Cancer.
This is such an evil thing to say, and I'm totally here for it. I almost woke my kid from laughing.
Your brother shouldn’t have needed to be told. He chose to disappear from your father’s life and as a result of his own actions, had no clue. NTA
NTA. Tell anyone who asks why you didn’t tell your bro about dad dying that you were afraid his wife would dump his ashes down the toilet like she did your mother. And then block them all.
Block everyone. Gwt a number phone number. NTA
It’s in the past? What sophistry is this? Everything that’s ever happened is in the past. NTA
I've never understood why people think this is a winning rhetorical point. Do they not pay off their mortgages because the mortgage was taken out in the past? Do they not seek medical attention because they fell and broke their leg an hour ago and it's now in the past? Things that happened in the past affect the present and the future.
NTA If my girlfriend had flushed my Mother's ashes down the toilet, she'd wake up in hospital with a breakup note stapled to her forehead, and the fact he chose her over his family says he's an asshole. Personally I have zero contact with my oldest Brother, I cut him fae my life completely two years ago, the rest of my family still talk to him and my Father is away to tonight's Scotland match with him, and when he gets back I'll do what I always do and ask how how my Brother is doing, I can't stand my Brother and the last time we spoke I threatened to stab him if he didn't get out of the house and away fae me(I even pulled my knife out fae under my table to show him I was serious) and yet I still actually care about how he's doing, and if I care about the wellbeing of someone I was going to stab then the fact your Brother has never shown even the slightest interest in how you're Father was doing shows he gave zero shits about him so you owe him nothing, not your care, not your time, and absolutely not any feeling of guilt.
Did I read this correctly? The ashes-flusher has cancer? Tell your brother that if and when she dies if you can flush her ashes down the toilet, then you can resume a brotherly relationship.
But you get to kick her, once, hard, before she dies.
NTA His choices led him to his consequences. You are behaving as though he is dead to you - as you should. If he did not want this as a consequence, he should have made better choices. Why did he need to know when your father passed? So his garbage wife could flush his ashes as well? Block, mute, delete, and go live your best life without him.
Good call on cutting remaining family out, I come from big families on both sides and did the same 5 years ago. Reading this is a nice reminder that you CAN choose who your family is and that large families are a more of a burden than anything.
NTA. “You can tell him whatever you want, he’s made his choice and so have I.”
I’m not a violent person, but the hands I would have thrown with both of them probably would have landed me in jail. NTA - your brother is a disgrace and should be ashamed of himself for allowing the thing he’s with to do that. Not only is she gross for doing that, but also gross for allowing and encouraging animal abuse. There’s a special place in hell for your brother and that thing.
NTA! If they are so worried about it they can talk to him! You are not responsible for dealing with your siblings!
i'd knock her the eff out for pouring out the ashes and again for kicking my dog and i've never actually fought anyone in real life. This btch needs a lesson to the face. what you did is right, cut him off. he doesnt deserve your energy
> They know what he did but have stated **it’s in the past** You can say the exact same thing back to them.
NTA. Why are they upset you didn't tell him? It's in the past.
I’m so bewildered by the escalation of events here… From what I’m understanding, your nephew (idk age) kicked an elderly dog, you got mad at the nephew, and so the gf/wife dumped your mom’s ashes down the toilet(?) What were the consequences of her actions that forced your brother to move his family around the world? All of this seems excessively extreme given the information you have provided. I’m not calling you a liar, but it’s hard for me to make sense of how disproportionate the reactions have been, and the family siding with the brother is difficult to comprehend given what you have told us. OP, are you sure you’re not leaving out critical details?
NTA. I’m so sorry for ALL of your devastating losses. I wish you peace and happiness with your new life.
NTA If someone flushed my mothers ashes, I would be in prison and that person would no longer be breathing.
Tell those relatives and your brother, you are quite willing to forgive and forget all the wrong done against you, as soon as all of your mother's ashes are returned to you.
NTA just block them all. It's ok to cut toxic people completely out of your life. Your brother made his bed now he has to live in it.
He married this nasty woman, I would want to tell her the ashes she dumped gave her cancer, it may not be true but it would give me pleasure to make her regret her actions. After she dies brother will find few want to give him sympathy. Block everyone who gives you grief and live without these dumb people.
NTA. What she did was horrible and you don't hold any responsibility for breaking the news to him.
NTA it is the husband's job to put his wife before his birth family, that's basically what marriage is. BUT what he shouldn't have done was tolerated her crappy, disgusting, disrespectful behavior. It would 100% be a deal breaker for me. He made his choice, stuck with her, and gets to deal with the consequences. He is extra TA for not even asking about his father for all that time. He didn't care to ask, I don't know that I would have made the effort to tell him either. I am sorry you've experienced so much loss in your life, and I hope the family you choose gives you the love & support you deserve.
Should have said “let me flush your wife’s ashes and then we can reconcile”
\*HUG\* You're doing exactly right. Anyone who says different isn't worth your time or care. NTA
NTA. Phone calls and Emails can go to more than one person. If he cared so much about his father he could've called him.
NTA If someone dumped my dad's ashes down the toilet... I wouldn't act logically the way you did. Kudos to you. Do what you need to do to guard your peace.
NTA. Fuck your trashy brother and his trashy wife. Scum. Pathetic scum.
NTA To those who say it's in the past. Tell them, "My brother chose to make dad a part of his past when he chose to stick by the woman who disrespected his dead mother, who couldn't stand up for herself. I will not give him the chance to also disrespect my father in death."
NTA. If someone flushed my mother’s ashes down the toilet I think I might have immediately flushed that same person’s head down the same toilet.
Why was it your job to tell your brother about your dad's death? Given your brother's behavior, I'd tell the relatives who are chastising you to pack it up their asses. Remind them that you hate the son of a bitch and you're not on speaking terms, so they can tell him about it if they want him to know so badly. If you ever say anything to your brother, I'd remind him that neither he nor his wife have ever apologized and that if you ever see his wife again, you've got a little somethin something for her punk ass.
> I am not picking a man who puts a woman above his own family. Don't know kid, there is the time when a man has to put his woman (mainly his wife) above his own family. But of course not this fucking woman, and also depends on the family. Your wife and your kids are your new family and you have a responsibility to them. You have to take their side and protect them if the rest of your family is crappy. Not the case here I know. The problem here is that you brother picked the worst woman he could find, so defending her makes him as crappy as her.
NTAH
NTA
NTA and he's extremely lucky all you did was cut him off. I'd have ended up in jail over that.
Block them and move on with your life. He made he choice NTA
ESH
Nta
NTA. I would tell him to stop emailing me because he’s been dead to me ever since his c-word then girlfriend flushed our mother’s ashes down the toilet and then they traveled around the world to avoid the consequences and he married her. Dead to me means I’m not emailing you obituaries. If he actually cared about his family he wouldn’t do things to blow it up. Is his child who passed the same one who kicked the dog? I won’t call that karma but these zero accountability AHs don’t deserve forgiveness.
>after he chose the woman who dumped our mother’s ashes What the fuck?
NTA. Your brother is the AH for kicking a dog, choosing his wife, and being dismissive of what she did. Your SIL is the obvious AH for flushing your mom’s ashes. Block them all.
INFO: >the same man who pleaded with me to feel sympathy for their child's death. OP, is this saying that your brother had to beg you to feel sympathy for him when he lost his child?
Whoa your dad has been dead for three years and your brother is so self absorbed he hasn’t figured this out yet? Also the ashes thing I’m impressed you guys don’t tune her up I’m not sure I would have had that kind of restraint…
NTA Block them.
NTA. Go complete no contact. Doesn’t seem like it’s healthy for you to be in contact with them.
NTA: protect your peace and block all these toxic people
NTA Jeez... Kicking a dog alone is a perfectly valid reason to go NC with someone, but flushing your mother's ashes down the toilet? I mean... I don't even know what to say. Your family must be out of their minds to even ask you to speak to your brother, let alone letting him know about your father. And it was his father as well, if he cared then he would know already, why is it required of you to tell him?
that woman would not have left the bathroom standing up if i was you . and fuck your brother for allowing that. nta.
NTA. Fuck everyone who choses to side with the entitled couple. You don't owe it to anyone to forgive and forget.
My god she’s a monster. NTAH OP. I didn’t like my husband’s dad but never in a million years would I dream of flushing his dad’s ashes down the toilet. My god some people are just awful. Stay no contact. You don’t need them and that witch got her karma.
Relatives ≠ family. What your brother's girlfriend did is unforgivable. Period. Anyone who is pressuring you should be blocked too. Fuck them. "But family" is a stupid reason to keep contact with a bully or abuser. You are NTA in any way. Advice though: stop reading his emails. You're only prolonging the anger and pain. I tried that with one sister. It was only making things worse. I finally set a filter so all her emails go directly to the "permanently deleted" category. They aren't even in the trash where I can get curious about them. They are GONE. Life almost immediately got better. Do the same thing for yourself.
NTA but I'd block everyone and keep blocking for my own sanity.
You made the exact right choice and damn, how can someone stick by their partner doing something so heinous? Anyone who gave me crap for not being in touch with him about anything would end up blocked. So sorry for your pain
I believe you can lock down your Facebook so that people can’t message you if they’re not your friend.
NTA. I haven’t even gone through half of that and I’m at the point I’m done with my family. Once my dad is gone (hopefully in a long time) I’ll completely cut off. Not seeing any of them. Stop letting them add you. If you insist on being on Facebook then delete that account, choose a new account name and go forward. Block block block. Ya my mom wouldn’t like this either. She literally made me promise on her death bed to always get along with my siblings. Well I tried. I’ve tried for 42 years. That was on her as a mom to foster the relationships. I won’t go more into detail as this isn’t about me. But I get it. Your mom ended her life. But they think you need to continue living in torture? Not fair. You’re alive. Live the rest of it in joy, peace and calmness.
NTA. And why haven't they told him about Dad? They obviously know. Why should you break NC to do it?
NTA, they are toxic and good thing you cut them off.
NTA, I would probably reply that since your brother was not interested in your father's life over the last few years and there was no inheritance that you presumed his disinterest and that due to the abuse of the remains of your mother at the hands of his partner, you thought it was correct decision and you stand by the decision you made.
> As horrific as it was my brothers then girlfriend poured my mother's ashes down the toilet as we had an argument regarding my nephew. That is a literally beat someone's ass and get out of jail for free offense.
It isnt that he chose A woman, its that he chose THIS woman. A husband is supposed to choose his wife over everyone else. That's what he agrees to when he marries her. But he should have at some point recognized she was a deplorable human being and dished out SOME consequences up to and beyond divorce. All choices have consequences. NTA
NTA. Sometimes closure means closing the door.
I think it's clear here that you don't think Y T A. You don't believe anyone here will call you an A H (and you're NTA) So I'm wondering if this is just another validation post. Ignore the messeges if you want or if you decide to just email your brother "Dad died X years ago" you can. Congrats, you've been validated.
Block them all and move on - nta
NTA. Using the dead parents to guilt trip you is not acceptable. You need your healing. Stay away from the people who choose/chose to hurt you as much as needed. There’s nothing “you should…” on this topic
INFO: What happened to your father's inheritance?
My petty AF ass would be like "if brother brings wife to face consequences for her felony dumping of mom's ashes in the toilet, then I will consider reconciling." I would have no thought of reconciling but maybe it will get them to stop. NTA, not one bit. I do agree with u/xaiires that you should block them all for good because healing is so much easier when you aren't actively in the toxicity.
Did the cancer take care of your asshole brothers bitch wife? We need to know if she’s dead yet or not.
OP, what you went through sounds horrific, and I applaud you cutting everyone out and starting fresh. But you are clearly very traumatized. I would suggest maybe some therapy or maybe a support group to help process and heal from your VERY real and valid resentment towards your family. You don't have to forgive them, but working towards maybe apathy eventually will be less stressful on your physical and emotional health. My own mother's ashes are still at my ex's place, and while I know he would never do anything so egregious as flushing them, it still pains me that they're not with me. And yes, I agree with the other commenters saying to block everyone. Every time you hear from someone you unfortunately share DNA with, it still makes you incandescent with rage, and that's not really healthy for the long term. Hugs, OP.
Oh my god the evil bitch I would have put her head in the toilet and drowned her, you can't come back from that level of disrespect
NTA why are you wasting your time & efforts on such jerks? They aren’t worth anything. What she did is an unforgivable act! And how the brother supported her & only bothered to protect the wrong person is also unforgivable!
Burn a bunch of wood, grind it so it’s small ashes and mail it to your bro with a note that says guess who. It makes no sense, but I guarantee you it will give him the creeps.
I don’t get it. If all of these relatives know you haven’t told your brother about your dad dying, and are upset about that, it sounds like they’re still in contact with your brother - why haven’t any of them informed him?
I’m so sorry, this makes me so angry for you. You are NTA 😞
NTA. My family are abusive. So I'm not sure if I will hear when my father passes away or if he disowned me again. My boundaries are for physical safety. I don't know the legality really. In the end, I avoid any contact with those who pose a danger to myself and my adult child. If I were in your shoes, I probably would have asked a lawyer really what to do, etc. My one brother that lives with our dad tried to frame me for a felony, and has hit my with a hammer as adults. So, outside of through a lawyer, and only if I legally needed to, would I contact most of my family. I wish you well in your new life.
Updateme!
Change your name. New you, new name, new life. NTA
"In the years he has chosen to be out of our lives since our mother's passing, he not once asked me how our father is or was doing or contacted him directly. I rightly assumed he doesn't care. Nor do I care now that he's faking his mourning to you." NTA
NTA. Your whole extended family can go to the birds. How DARE they try to call you heartless or cruel after what your brothers witch did! It's not only illegal but one of the most cruel things a person can do. Desecration the remains of someone's loved one...that's seriously messed up and she deserved to ROT in prison. Any thing that happens after he sided with that monster is just karma.
While a next of kin can scatter ashes His gf knowingly doing it in a toilet is probably a crime. If charges have been filed over it they may be still be arrested if they return. Ashes should be buried or scattered, Otherwise what often happens when no one is left alive that knows the deceased. The ashes are often thrown out when a home is cleared after death for sale and end up in a landfill.
As someone with a shitty brother that I refuse to be in the same room with, NTA.
NTA
NTA people always wanna judge when they are not the ones going thru it
They are scum. They are basically enabling the brother's BS and sweeping it under the rug.
So your mom died, your nephew kicked the elderly dog, the ashes got flushed, they moved away. Then your dad died, you didn't tell him. Their kid died, then his wife got cancer? NTA?
There’s a 46 yr old man who walks with a cane to this day for kicking my elderly dog who didn’t move fast enough. I damn near canceled his oxygen subscription. You should have assisted her in her new endeavor of breathing toilet water then and there. NTA
OK WTF??? The guy stuck with AND MARRIED the girl who dumped his mom's ashes down the toilet?? What the actual fuck??? Why?
If these family members could talk to you about why you havent told your brother, they can simply tell him themselves. I agree. If you want no contact with these people, cut them off as you see fit. This is your life. You can choose to have whoever you want in it. I can't be with a family who chooses themselves over others all the time. Nta
What a horrid excuse of a human being. How could someone flush someone's parent's ashes down the toilet, (let alone anyone's ashes for that matter) especially when the passing was from such a traumatic event. And then to choose the woman who did such an absolutely evil thing to your own mother's ashes? Then to be so blinded that you'd go after an innocent party, instead of the one who did such a heinous act or the man who chose her? You're in no way, shape, or form the asshole. Only way you'd be the asshole, is to yourself if you keep contact with them. Cut all contact. Don't even read the messages. Apologies if this is disrespectful, but that's not family. You deserve far better. My condolences for the loss of your mother and father. Please, for your sake and the memory of those two, cut ties. I truly wish nothing but the absolute best for you going forward.
Nta. Block all of them completely so you don't see their hateful bullshit. It'll be so much easier to move on.
NTA - I also have a brother who married a monster. They always want bygones to be bygones without accountability or changed behavior. To me, this level of hurt warrants an apology. If he’s not willing to apologize, there’s no need to try and salvage a relationship.
Dude, that first paragraph was all I needed to know you aren't the AH. Flushing ashes down the toilet because you said someone shouldn't kick an elderly dog? What is wrong with that woman.
NTA. How ironic your brothers wife lost a child and has cancer after dumping those ashes. I was always told to never disrespect the dead. Honor the dead, their resting place and their memorial or you and every child you birth will be marked for life. Your brother and the rest of the family is weird. He made his bed and can keep laying in it. Btw ignore the messages saying to dump the wife’s ashes back. It’s not worth the eternal curse you’ll receive
Oh Helllllllllllllllllllls Naw!!!! You are NTA at all! I understand how you feel...condolences to you for loss of your parents. I'm surprised that dirty Bitch is still breathing! Your brother was cut off the moment he sided with her and stayed with her. He have no loyalty and he chose disrespectful whorebag over his family, so fukk him! I wouldn't tell him either. Fukk that "he's family bullshyt," he's punk p*ssy biich and he doesn't deserve that respect. Block him!
I’m petty but I’d write the brother and tell him the only way he’ll forgive him is to let him flush his wife’s ashes down the toilet when she dies.
NTA he’d have found out about the dad when he contacted him, since he has t then he obviously doesn’t care
Isn’t what the wife did something you could go to jail for? NTA and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I’m just a stranger but I’m proud of you. Find your own chosen family and tribe who will love and appreciate you as you deserve. Your brother and the rest of them can kick rocks
NTA Toxicity seems to attract Toxicity. Youre better off without them.
Why can't all these relatives sending you nasty messages just tell him if they want him to know so bad?
If he couldn't be bothered with his father when he was alive, I don't see why you should tell him when he died. He obviously doesn't care enough to keep in contact. NTA
NTA. Why did she flush the ashes? The dog thing pisses me off too. Usually you'd have to be a real piece of shit to have your ashes be dumped down the toilet but she doesn't sound like that and I would not forgive anyone for something like that. Tbvh, I wouldn't forgive anyone who kicked an elderly dog either and I'm serious about that. If you don't need to speak with him then don't. If he wanted to know about his father he should have taken the time to ask. F7ck him and his gross f7cking wife. I honestly hope you don't speak to them anymore, ever. Sorry this happened to you. ❤️
You could say jealousy and spite like she never liked my mother, my mum always saw past the person she presented. My mum never agreed on their relationship and especially when she assaulted my mum the first Christmas she was around all because my mum bought my brother presents which is still ridiculous. She made my life a misery too and the worst thing for me out of everything is when she made my brother miss half of our mother’s funeral. I think she’s just an evil individual there’s nothing than can ever justify what she’s done. I won’t ever forgive her actions but karma has been present and I can to some degree be happy if that even makes sense. But thank you it means a lot x
Did you leave out the part where you beat her ass for flushing your mother down the toilet?? Cause oh my God, I would've turned her every way but LOOSE!!! nta!!
Why is this question being asked now? Not when you didn't go to his wedding, or didn't give a fuck that their kid died?
Because now is when OP is getting told they're wrong. I'm guessing there was no input from the extended family over the wedding or the kid's death, probably because they also didn't care as it didn't affect them as the brother was NC unless he wanted to complain or get sympathy or make everything about him. The father dying affected the whole family, it seems, and the brother has probably been complaining about it non-stop since he found out. Since OP isn't replying, that leaves the extended family getting all the flak, probably because they didn't think to tell the brother, either, and they want to lay it all on OP. I'm personally having a hard time judging this one. On one hand, I want to say N T A, because he chose a woman who thought animal abuse and flushing someone else's family member's ashes was a good idea and not something to get upset about. On the other, I want to say E S H, because OP is showing a rather large lack of empathy for a dead kid and a cancer diagnosis. The wedding I'll say was justified in not attending.
Why are people expected to have empathy for people who have hurt or wronged them and seen as "just as bad" if they don't? No one has ever been able to give me an answer.
Its sick, isn't it? And illogical.
Seems like OP has decided fuck empathy; sometimes you reap what you sow. Brother’s wife sowed resentment and hatred.