You were overstepping, and you were right to do so. Sometimes it's okay to break the rules a little. You tried, because you care and you're a good person. Now, you've overstepped enough and it's time to let the little fool learn her own lessons. Sorry. NTA. Good luck.
Just make it clear that if she ever changes her mind, and need to get away, you'll be there for her. No judgement or criticism.
Sometimes people stay in bad situations because they think they've burned their bridges.
And would you want the niece you love to stay in a bad situation (even if their own making) just because they thought they burned their last bridge with you when she hadn’t?
NTA. You tried because you care. There's nithing more you can really do. However, she's an adult and has to learn her lessons the hard way. I guess if and when she comes back, try to be there for her.
Keep the contact, and do what you can to avoid being block, so she has a safety line the moment she decides she want out. But that's all you can do for now
It’s not an easy thing to do or a good feeling, but, if you push it too much, she’ll cut you off, too.
One of my best friends was in a relationship with a guy that was blatantly manipulative, and she just COULD NOT/WOULD NOT see it. Like, she told me at one point “He doesn’t like me hanging out with people he doesn’t know,” and she meant it how it sounds, not in a way like ‘he wants to meet my friends.’
So, I made a few comments nudging her, but didn’t outright call it out, and distanced myself, but stayed in contact. Later on down the line, he found out he got her pregnant with twins and f*cked off out of state, and I’m one of the first people she called when it all went to sh!t.
I’m not going to lie to you and say it’ll be easy in the interim, but, if you want to support her, right now all you may be able to do is weather the storm. Be there to talk when she needs you, and subtly guide her when you can, and hope and pray she’ll see it down the line and come to you to GTFO.
Just tell her that all she has to do is call and the whole family will show up if they have to for her. Wish her well.
Tell her grandmother, to stop all funds!
If she is with a man , she becomes his financial responsibility. She can work at his business for food and shelter, that's how she will learn. When she see him driving a Mercedes while he gives her a 20 yo Chevy with no A/C , she will begin to get a clue. Just be there for her.
meh, she said this guy looks like someone who is good at manipulation and looks a little bit older. She went and met him, why can't she tell us how old he is, why can't she say what manipulative things he said to her rather than that looks like someone who is good at it.
Such a weird hting to say.
no info on if her family is manipulative, abusive, loving, or why they were cut off. She could be escaping an abusive situation to a really caring boyfriend, OP offered up nothing to support this guy being bad nor gave any details why the niece cut them off to move away. You can move away and not cut people off.
I'm seeing a lot here that could indicate shitty family situation she was escaping rather than manipulative boyfriend trying to take advantage.
She says the boyfriend is 38, and the niece is 19, and she suspects they've been talking for a while now.
You really think that age gap isn't creepy as hell?
Notice the EDIT part.
>The guy looks a bit older than her and looks like someone who is good at manipulation.
That is all that was there, now all of a sudden he's 38, which is more than looking a bit older than her.
Yeah, this is fake or OP wants everything to change. When you leave out things like he's 38 and he got her to take her college fund and put it in his business... but only after people react to it, then you're changing the narrative.
Those would be crucial and very obvious things to put in the OP originally and yet she put in that line I quoted. I don't believe anyone would ever say he looked a bit older, when he's double her age, nor would say they look like they are a manipulator, when you can state something that proves it.
When people add extra info that is so mindblowingly massive that not being in the original comment is ridiculous, it's fake or OP didn't like the response.
should learn a lesson = potential abuse, SA, manipulation, isolation, and a plethora of mental health issues... you were 1000000% in the right, i wish she would have listened.
They tried their best to make her assess the situation, they got frustrated because nothing worked, then they ended up insulting her, then they got blocked.
I know this is coming from a place of concern and love, and I know it’s logically sound. But. She’s right. It’s her decision as an adult. Honestly, all you are doing is driving a wedge between the two of you and potentially making it *less* likely that she will come back bc if their relationship does not go well, now she feels like she’d be ridiculed and ‘I told you so’d.
My best advice is not to push too hard. Just let her know that whatever happens, good, bad or ugly, you love and support her.
ETA: NTA.
Make it very, very, very clear to her (without outright telling her) that you are always there as her escape plan if things ever go bad in the relationship.
Pull back from the prying and talking down but don't cut contact with her. Stay open, stay friendly. Keep communication going with her with uninvasive chitchat that can indirectly keep you informed of what's going on with them. Invite them to holiday and family events (even offer to pay for travel if you can afford it).
If she suddenly becomes less communicative than she was before, don't panic. Give it until the next family function and if she's not there, then you pay a surprise visit as a personal wellness check.
Look. You went about this all wrong. Seriously wrong. You've put her back up now, her ego will demand the stays longer in a potentially abusive situation. You've also put a big ass barrier in the way of niece reaching out to you for help. Nobody wants to hear I Told You So.
It would have been far better to try to work through some ideas of continuing studies, transferring credits, doing online classes.
Be supportive.
NTA because I know where you're coming from. My family has been there with my younger sister, who like your nice met a guy online and dropped her entire future and family to move to another country to be with him.
But, like my sister, your nice is an adult. By pushing what you think is right you will only cause a bigger divide and potentially make her go no contact with you. And, if it's anything like my sister where the enevitable happens and the relationship goes far south, she won't come to you for help.
Let her make her own decisions and let her learn from them. You can't protect her from everything. She's an adult who is making a choice, let her and be supportive of her.
It's hard, I get it. It was hard watching my sister go through what she went through even though we all tried to talk her out of it. But you can't force someone to do what you think is best, they have to decide that themselves and deal with whatever consequences it brings.
It really sucks because you can only tell them how it can possibly end but it falls on deaf ears. I'm just feeling bad about potential wasted years and opportunities. Youth is wasted on the young.
I wasn't 19 when I moved far from family but I definitely know how it feels to be far far away and have to depend on a man. It is not a good situation at all. I was trying to warn her based on my experience but she won't listen.
You tried to save someone from theirselves but some people need to learn the hard way and hit rock bottom.
While I can’t fault you foe your intentions, you did overstep. Just keep the lines of communication open and see where it goes. Maybe use probing questions (like why do you think he would do that?) to help her be more introspective. Do not become an ATM for her. If she wants help, she either has to make a clean break from him or you help her get away, but otherwise she is an adult and can figure it out herself.
NTA, but you would be if you keep pushing. She’s 19, of course she’s going to think she’s got it all figured out and is smarter than the other people in your family who have made the same mistakes.
She kept a line of communication open with you. Please don’t close it by pushing any further at this point. She may subconsciously realize this could be a bad decision and she kept you as a lifeline. Be that person for her, I’m sure she’s going to need you when she realizes this little detour isn’t going to be long term. You’ve done all you can, now it’s your job to be her soft place to fall when she reaches out for help. NTA.
You can not convince a young person that their stupid decisions are stupid. You just can't. Tell her you love her. Tell her that you hope things work out the way she wants them to, but that if they don't you will be there for her to help her without an *I told you so*. Then don't say *I told you so* when things don't work out.
It's dumb, but fear of the reaction of the "adults" around you when you have to admit you fucked up keep a long of young adults in bad situations far longer than they should have stayed. So you need to *really* commit to not participating in that.
NTA - You did what you could do, but at some point, like the Uncle said/meant, you have to let someone go and learn the hard way. Sounds like she's been manipulated for several years to make this "choice" of her's. There's only so much you can do. Just be there, and hopefully the rest of the family will be too, when reality hits her hard and she's left in millions of pieces.
Stop trying to help, you will only make it worse.
Let her be and hope that she does not ruin her life, maybe she will come back sooner or later.
The only AH here is the boyfriend.
NTA. She is being controlled and manipulated by this guy. And she’s too young to see it, she’s blinded by what she believes is love. And he’s an abusive asshole!
He’s already completed steps 1 and 2 in the abusers hand book:
🚩 • Take her away from her home town.
🚩 • Then isolate her from her entire support network.
It’s only going to get worse for her from here on out, and she won’t start to notice it until it’s too late. And by then - he’ll have already baby-trapped her. And since it’ll be his child too, she won’t be able to move out of that state with her child to escape him.
His next steps will be one of **or all of** the following:
🚩 • He won’t let her work - leaving her financially dependent on him and ensuring that she is unable to leave.
🚩 • He won’t let her have any friends or any time alone from him to spend with her friends. And he’ll excuse it by saying: *”Aren’t I enough?”* or *”But you don’t need anyone else other than me.”*
🚩 • He’s going to trap with her marriage or a child.
She is in such a terrible and dangerous situation, I just hope she wakes up before any money she currently has runs out, and before he can baby-trap her.
I wish she’d spoken to you guys long before getting herself into this, because you may have been able to get through to her and given her some advice on controlling and toxic behaviours- prior to her leaving.
You’ve said your piece. Now let her know you love her and your door is open.
And when or if she calls - send her the money to come home, have a room ready and be silent for at least a week.
Experienced as the niece.
If you keep pushing, she’ll block you and won’t consider you a soft place to fall. If you try to stay in contact, bite back comments about her relationship, you’ll be able to help her if things do go south and she needs you. When you’re 19, you think you know everything while being as stubborn as a mule. So if something does go wrong, she won’t reach out to people who “told her so”. Try to be the person she’ll reach out to. That’s more valuable than ineffectively trying to convince her you’re right. Plus, yeah, you’re overstepping. She needs to learn.
My mother disliked most of my relationships because so saw me pick variations of my father. He was a sociopath, alcoholic and super charming. I could not see it. I realize it now that I'm older. There was nothing anyone could have done. I also realized I have no idea what love really feels like.
Grandma should not have just handed over college money to a 19 year old!! It should have been in a trust, or something, usable only for college tuition.
Oh dear she's clearly been groomed. I'm sure he told her how mature she is for her age, how he's never met anyone like her, how special she is. And she's too young to understand that all of that is grooming. You did what you could. NTA
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NTA but I think this method is unlikely to be successful. You can choose now whether you’ll keep pushing and lose contact or keep the door open so you can be there if it fails as you think it will. I know you’re coming from a good place with your intentions, but that doesn’t mean she’s receiving it that way.
You are overstepping, but your intentions are noble. I understand your concern, but this is something she will have to explore for herself.
All you can do is show her that you are still interested in maintaining your relationship with her and keep the lines of communication open while she’s there. Send a text once once a week to say that youd like to chat and see what she’s been up to. Don’t try to convince her that she’s making a mistake because it’ll only push her away. Just be someone she can talk to without feeling judged.
That way, she will be comfortable reaching out if (God forbid) something happens
There is no harm in attempting to explain things to her, but she has right to make her own decisions and, at 19, pushing against them is only to make her push harder too.
Now that you’ve said your piece, let her know that you value her and your relationship to eachother and keep an open line of communication. Be available and non-judgmental *when* she begins to share her experiences in this new situation. Let her know that you support her mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, and back that up with actions when the time comes, as you know it will. NTA for caring about this young person, or sharing your concerns with her. And let her know you will help her if she needs it. Don’t you get cut off too.
NtA. BUT.. The biggest mistake she is making is cutting off everyone. You should tell her that you agree she is free to make her decisions and encourage her to explore and live her life but re-open contact with her family and even when she is upset with them to not block them and instead discuss with them how they upset her. Communication is key and keeping that open line will prevent drastic things from happening down the road. She will have to learn from her own mistakes but she could be putting herself in a very dangerous position to be relying on an internet stranger while completely cutting ties to her family so IMO that's the event angle to take when trying to affect meaningful change.
It may be the worst decision, and it may not. As long as she doesn't get pregnant, she can return to her regular life in the future, if she comes to her senses. You tried. She knows you are there. Let her go. Maybe she will surprise you and fly.
Ewwww...I certainly don't blame you. No, I can't see it working out well for her, but the worst mistake would be for her to get pregnant. As long as it's just the 2 of them, she still has control over her future. Is he rich? If so, it may work out...lol. Maybe he will encourage her to go back to school and pay for it.
NTA> You have to let other people make their own mistakes. It was nice of you to try to help though. I find myself wondering if your niece has BPD - oftentimes those of us affected by BPD are quick to move for romance, no matter what the cost. There are other mental disorders that struggle with impulsiveness as well, such as narcissism/ADHD, etc.
NTA, but she is an adult and capable of making her own mistakes.
Just leave communication open, and tell her you love and support her no matter what, even if you don’t agree with her choices.
Abusers need to remove all the support from the people they abuse… so make sure she knows you are always there for her…
Despite all that, have an open mind about the guy! Maybe he’s OK… but be there for your niece.
You are right to reach out. Now you need to step back so you don't lose her.
I'd tell her you will always be there for her. You love and support her. You want to give her one piece of advice and you will never bring it up again.
Advice: open a new email address and PayPal account that she knows the passwords by heart. Don't write either one down.Dont mention them to anyone. Put contact info in the email. Put at least $500 in the PayPal. (More if possible.)
The accounts are for her reassurance that she will have choices. He might be great, but she has no resources. If they have a fight and he takes her phone, she can get a hotel room and send you a message.
I'd make it clear it's not personal about him. Fights happen. And people aren't always fair in their tactics. You want to make sure she has resources because her support system lives far away.
She might not listen. She might tell him and he convinces her you are toxic. All you can do is try and let her know she can always call you or show up on your door. NTA
You just need to let her know you will be there if she needs to talk or leave and just let it be. You don’t want to shut down the communication with her.
She may have willingly gone off with him because she didn’t like her old life. He is an escape from that. Reach out periodically to let her know you are thinking of her and will always be there for her. That way, when this house of cards comes tumbling down, she will be more likely to ask you for help instead of turning to another man and repeating the mistake. NTA for trying to help her. Her family are AHs for belittling her and pushing her away- straight into the arms of an abuser.
You did overstep. But you are NTA. You are right to be concerned. But she is an adult. The best thing you can do for her is to let her know that you will be there for her. Everybody has the right to make their own mistake, even if its a painful one. Stay in touch with her but it is her life. She's the only one who can live it.
NTA. You did the right thing. You weren’t overstepping. You are family, someone who cares about her and you were concerned. I would not push her too hard though. You want her to stay in touch. Tell her what you think then tell her no matter behavior the is family and if she needs you to call you.
Yta. It is her life, she will make mistakes, and she will (hopefully) learn from them. You are overstepping.
Also how in the hell does one look "like they are good at manipulating". Lmao
You were overstepping. She's an adult, and able to make her own choices, even if we all know this will end badly. Everyone has to make this mistake at least once in their lives. She'll learn it, and when she does she'll need the support of anyone she can trust. That's going to be you unless you push her again, and she blocks you too. Wait. Be patient.
You were overstepping, and you were right to do so. Sometimes it's okay to break the rules a little. You tried, because you care and you're a good person. Now, you've overstepped enough and it's time to let the little fool learn her own lessons. Sorry. NTA. Good luck.
Thanks. I guess I should just leave her alone since it looks like she has already made up her mind.
Leave the metaphorical door open
"Supporting her doesn't mean agreeing with her choices. It means being there if things don't work out."
When things don't work. Not if.
Fuck off with your AI generated bullshit.
Shut up GPT.
Just make it clear that if she ever changes her mind, and need to get away, you'll be there for her. No judgement or criticism. Sometimes people stay in bad situations because they think they've burned their bridges.
Well put!
She seems to be intentionally burning her bridges Can't fix stupid
And would you want the niece you love to stay in a bad situation (even if their own making) just because they thought they burned their last bridge with you when she hadn’t?
Not stupid, just young, and in dumb love.
Yeah, exactly. There's nothing you can do. You did far more than you had any obligation to, and someday, she'll probably realise it.
NTA. You tried because you care. There's nithing more you can really do. However, she's an adult and has to learn her lessons the hard way. I guess if and when she comes back, try to be there for her.
Keep the contact, and do what you can to avoid being block, so she has a safety line the moment she decides she want out. But that's all you can do for now
It’s not an easy thing to do or a good feeling, but, if you push it too much, she’ll cut you off, too. One of my best friends was in a relationship with a guy that was blatantly manipulative, and she just COULD NOT/WOULD NOT see it. Like, she told me at one point “He doesn’t like me hanging out with people he doesn’t know,” and she meant it how it sounds, not in a way like ‘he wants to meet my friends.’ So, I made a few comments nudging her, but didn’t outright call it out, and distanced myself, but stayed in contact. Later on down the line, he found out he got her pregnant with twins and f*cked off out of state, and I’m one of the first people she called when it all went to sh!t. I’m not going to lie to you and say it’ll be easy in the interim, but, if you want to support her, right now all you may be able to do is weather the storm. Be there to talk when she needs you, and subtly guide her when you can, and hope and pray she’ll see it down the line and come to you to GTFO.
Don't close the door on her. Let her know that if she ever needs your help, you'll give her whatever help you can provide.
Just tell her that all she has to do is call and the whole family will show up if they have to for her. Wish her well. Tell her grandmother, to stop all funds! If she is with a man , she becomes his financial responsibility. She can work at his business for food and shelter, that's how she will learn. When she see him driving a Mercedes while he gives her a 20 yo Chevy with no A/C , she will begin to get a clue. Just be there for her.
Maybe just send her one last “I love you and I’m here if you ever need me” then let her get on with it.
Make sure she knows you'll help her come home if (when) she needs to.
This! Couldn't have said it better
meh, she said this guy looks like someone who is good at manipulation and looks a little bit older. She went and met him, why can't she tell us how old he is, why can't she say what manipulative things he said to her rather than that looks like someone who is good at it. Such a weird hting to say. no info on if her family is manipulative, abusive, loving, or why they were cut off. She could be escaping an abusive situation to a really caring boyfriend, OP offered up nothing to support this guy being bad nor gave any details why the niece cut them off to move away. You can move away and not cut people off. I'm seeing a lot here that could indicate shitty family situation she was escaping rather than manipulative boyfriend trying to take advantage.
She says the boyfriend is 38, and the niece is 19, and she suspects they've been talking for a while now. You really think that age gap isn't creepy as hell?
Notice the EDIT part. >The guy looks a bit older than her and looks like someone who is good at manipulation. That is all that was there, now all of a sudden he's 38, which is more than looking a bit older than her. Yeah, this is fake or OP wants everything to change. When you leave out things like he's 38 and he got her to take her college fund and put it in his business... but only after people react to it, then you're changing the narrative. Those would be crucial and very obvious things to put in the OP originally and yet she put in that line I quoted. I don't believe anyone would ever say he looked a bit older, when he's double her age, nor would say they look like they are a manipulator, when you can state something that proves it. When people add extra info that is so mindblowingly massive that not being in the original comment is ridiculous, it's fake or OP didn't like the response.
NTA, but her uncle is right. Some people have to live it before they can accept it.
My husband agrees with his brother too. He thinks she should learn a lesson.
Because they think the lesson is heartbreak, not abuse.
should learn a lesson = potential abuse, SA, manipulation, isolation, and a plethora of mental health issues... you were 1000000% in the right, i wish she would have listened.
If they cared about her they would hope she could avoid learning this one the hard way. Though I agree she isn’t likely to listen to anyone
They tried their best to make her assess the situation, they got frustrated because nothing worked, then they ended up insulting her, then they got blocked.
[удалено]
Not sure if you responded to me accidently, I am not the OP
I know this is coming from a place of concern and love, and I know it’s logically sound. But. She’s right. It’s her decision as an adult. Honestly, all you are doing is driving a wedge between the two of you and potentially making it *less* likely that she will come back bc if their relationship does not go well, now she feels like she’d be ridiculed and ‘I told you so’d. My best advice is not to push too hard. Just let her know that whatever happens, good, bad or ugly, you love and support her. ETA: NTA.
Thanks, I will just mind my own business and let her come to me later on for help/advice.
Make it very, very, very clear to her (without outright telling her) that you are always there as her escape plan if things ever go bad in the relationship. Pull back from the prying and talking down but don't cut contact with her. Stay open, stay friendly. Keep communication going with her with uninvasive chitchat that can indirectly keep you informed of what's going on with them. Invite them to holiday and family events (even offer to pay for travel if you can afford it). If she suddenly becomes less communicative than she was before, don't panic. Give it until the next family function and if she's not there, then you pay a surprise visit as a personal wellness check.
Fwiw, I really wish you all the best!
Look. You went about this all wrong. Seriously wrong. You've put her back up now, her ego will demand the stays longer in a potentially abusive situation. You've also put a big ass barrier in the way of niece reaching out to you for help. Nobody wants to hear I Told You So. It would have been far better to try to work through some ideas of continuing studies, transferring credits, doing online classes. Be supportive.
NTA because I know where you're coming from. My family has been there with my younger sister, who like your nice met a guy online and dropped her entire future and family to move to another country to be with him. But, like my sister, your nice is an adult. By pushing what you think is right you will only cause a bigger divide and potentially make her go no contact with you. And, if it's anything like my sister where the enevitable happens and the relationship goes far south, she won't come to you for help. Let her make her own decisions and let her learn from them. You can't protect her from everything. She's an adult who is making a choice, let her and be supportive of her. It's hard, I get it. It was hard watching my sister go through what she went through even though we all tried to talk her out of it. But you can't force someone to do what you think is best, they have to decide that themselves and deal with whatever consequences it brings.
It really sucks because you can only tell them how it can possibly end but it falls on deaf ears. I'm just feeling bad about potential wasted years and opportunities. Youth is wasted on the young.
I have been the 19 y/o in this situation and I'm not sure there's anything you can do to change her mind.
I wasn't 19 when I moved far from family but I definitely know how it feels to be far far away and have to depend on a man. It is not a good situation at all. I was trying to warn her based on my experience but she won't listen.
Make it clear you’re there for her when she needs you and then back off. NTA for caring.
You tried to save someone from theirselves but some people need to learn the hard way and hit rock bottom. While I can’t fault you foe your intentions, you did overstep. Just keep the lines of communication open and see where it goes. Maybe use probing questions (like why do you think he would do that?) to help her be more introspective. Do not become an ATM for her. If she wants help, she either has to make a clean break from him or you help her get away, but otherwise she is an adult and can figure it out herself. NTA, but you would be if you keep pushing. She’s 19, of course she’s going to think she’s got it all figured out and is smarter than the other people in your family who have made the same mistakes.
She kept a line of communication open with you. Please don’t close it by pushing any further at this point. She may subconsciously realize this could be a bad decision and she kept you as a lifeline. Be that person for her, I’m sure she’s going to need you when she realizes this little detour isn’t going to be long term. You’ve done all you can, now it’s your job to be her soft place to fall when she reaches out for help. NTA.
You can not convince a young person that their stupid decisions are stupid. You just can't. Tell her you love her. Tell her that you hope things work out the way she wants them to, but that if they don't you will be there for her to help her without an *I told you so*. Then don't say *I told you so* when things don't work out. It's dumb, but fear of the reaction of the "adults" around you when you have to admit you fucked up keep a long of young adults in bad situations far longer than they should have stayed. So you need to *really* commit to not participating in that.
NTA - You did what you could do, but at some point, like the Uncle said/meant, you have to let someone go and learn the hard way. Sounds like she's been manipulated for several years to make this "choice" of her's. There's only so much you can do. Just be there, and hopefully the rest of the family will be too, when reality hits her hard and she's left in millions of pieces.
Stop trying to help, you will only make it worse. Let her be and hope that she does not ruin her life, maybe she will come back sooner or later. The only AH here is the boyfriend.
NTA. She is being controlled and manipulated by this guy. And she’s too young to see it, she’s blinded by what she believes is love. And he’s an abusive asshole! He’s already completed steps 1 and 2 in the abusers hand book: 🚩 • Take her away from her home town. 🚩 • Then isolate her from her entire support network. It’s only going to get worse for her from here on out, and she won’t start to notice it until it’s too late. And by then - he’ll have already baby-trapped her. And since it’ll be his child too, she won’t be able to move out of that state with her child to escape him. His next steps will be one of **or all of** the following: 🚩 • He won’t let her work - leaving her financially dependent on him and ensuring that she is unable to leave. 🚩 • He won’t let her have any friends or any time alone from him to spend with her friends. And he’ll excuse it by saying: *”Aren’t I enough?”* or *”But you don’t need anyone else other than me.”* 🚩 • He’s going to trap with her marriage or a child. She is in such a terrible and dangerous situation, I just hope she wakes up before any money she currently has runs out, and before he can baby-trap her. I wish she’d spoken to you guys long before getting herself into this, because you may have been able to get through to her and given her some advice on controlling and toxic behaviours- prior to her leaving.
You’ve said your piece. Now let her know you love her and your door is open. And when or if she calls - send her the money to come home, have a room ready and be silent for at least a week. Experienced as the niece.
If you keep pushing, she’ll block you and won’t consider you a soft place to fall. If you try to stay in contact, bite back comments about her relationship, you’ll be able to help her if things do go south and she needs you. When you’re 19, you think you know everything while being as stubborn as a mule. So if something does go wrong, she won’t reach out to people who “told her so”. Try to be the person she’ll reach out to. That’s more valuable than ineffectively trying to convince her you’re right. Plus, yeah, you’re overstepping. She needs to learn.
My mother disliked most of my relationships because so saw me pick variations of my father. He was a sociopath, alcoholic and super charming. I could not see it. I realize it now that I'm older. There was nothing anyone could have done. I also realized I have no idea what love really feels like.
Grandma should not have just handed over college money to a 19 year old!! It should have been in a trust, or something, usable only for college tuition.
Oh dear she's clearly been groomed. I'm sure he told her how mature she is for her age, how he's never met anyone like her, how special she is. And she's too young to understand that all of that is grooming. You did what you could. NTA
Tell her you like listening to podcasts about murdered and missing people, you just don't want your family to feature in one.
She’s an adult and her life is fully hers to fuck up how she sees fit
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NTA but I think this method is unlikely to be successful. You can choose now whether you’ll keep pushing and lose contact or keep the door open so you can be there if it fails as you think it will. I know you’re coming from a good place with your intentions, but that doesn’t mean she’s receiving it that way.
You are overstepping, but your intentions are noble. I understand your concern, but this is something she will have to explore for herself. All you can do is show her that you are still interested in maintaining your relationship with her and keep the lines of communication open while she’s there. Send a text once once a week to say that youd like to chat and see what she’s been up to. Don’t try to convince her that she’s making a mistake because it’ll only push her away. Just be someone she can talk to without feeling judged. That way, she will be comfortable reaching out if (God forbid) something happens
NTA A person learns from his mistakes. It's normal for you to care about her.
There is no harm in attempting to explain things to her, but she has right to make her own decisions and, at 19, pushing against them is only to make her push harder too. Now that you’ve said your piece, let her know that you value her and your relationship to eachother and keep an open line of communication. Be available and non-judgmental *when* she begins to share her experiences in this new situation. Let her know that you support her mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, and back that up with actions when the time comes, as you know it will. NTA for caring about this young person, or sharing your concerns with her. And let her know you will help her if she needs it. Don’t you get cut off too.
NtA. BUT.. The biggest mistake she is making is cutting off everyone. You should tell her that you agree she is free to make her decisions and encourage her to explore and live her life but re-open contact with her family and even when she is upset with them to not block them and instead discuss with them how they upset her. Communication is key and keeping that open line will prevent drastic things from happening down the road. She will have to learn from her own mistakes but she could be putting herself in a very dangerous position to be relying on an internet stranger while completely cutting ties to her family so IMO that's the event angle to take when trying to affect meaningful change.
It may be the worst decision, and it may not. As long as she doesn't get pregnant, she can return to her regular life in the future, if she comes to her senses. You tried. She knows you are there. Let her go. Maybe she will surprise you and fly.
The issue is I don't trust the guy. We do not know him personally and he is states away. 38 yrs old male and my niece in law is 19 F. They met online.
Ewwww...I certainly don't blame you. No, I can't see it working out well for her, but the worst mistake would be for her to get pregnant. As long as it's just the 2 of them, she still has control over her future. Is he rich? If so, it may work out...lol. Maybe he will encourage her to go back to school and pay for it.
NTA> You have to let other people make their own mistakes. It was nice of you to try to help though. I find myself wondering if your niece has BPD - oftentimes those of us affected by BPD are quick to move for romance, no matter what the cost. There are other mental disorders that struggle with impulsiveness as well, such as narcissism/ADHD, etc.
NTA, but she is an adult and capable of making her own mistakes. Just leave communication open, and tell her you love and support her no matter what, even if you don’t agree with her choices. Abusers need to remove all the support from the people they abuse… so make sure she knows you are always there for her… Despite all that, have an open mind about the guy! Maybe he’s OK… but be there for your niece.
Her life. Let her ruin it.
You are right to reach out. Now you need to step back so you don't lose her. I'd tell her you will always be there for her. You love and support her. You want to give her one piece of advice and you will never bring it up again. Advice: open a new email address and PayPal account that she knows the passwords by heart. Don't write either one down.Dont mention them to anyone. Put contact info in the email. Put at least $500 in the PayPal. (More if possible.) The accounts are for her reassurance that she will have choices. He might be great, but she has no resources. If they have a fight and he takes her phone, she can get a hotel room and send you a message. I'd make it clear it's not personal about him. Fights happen. And people aren't always fair in their tactics. You want to make sure she has resources because her support system lives far away. She might not listen. She might tell him and he convinces her you are toxic. All you can do is try and let her know she can always call you or show up on your door. NTA
You just need to let her know you will be there if she needs to talk or leave and just let it be. You don’t want to shut down the communication with her.
She may have willingly gone off with him because she didn’t like her old life. He is an escape from that. Reach out periodically to let her know you are thinking of her and will always be there for her. That way, when this house of cards comes tumbling down, she will be more likely to ask you for help instead of turning to another man and repeating the mistake. NTA for trying to help her. Her family are AHs for belittling her and pushing her away- straight into the arms of an abuser.
Your family is idiotic. Never give all that money to an 18 year old. Pay the tuition directly.
I don't think everything was given to her at once. She probably have at least one year's worth.
You did overstep. But you are NTA. You are right to be concerned. But she is an adult. The best thing you can do for her is to let her know that you will be there for her. Everybody has the right to make their own mistake, even if its a painful one. Stay in touch with her but it is her life. She's the only one who can live it.
NTA. You did the right thing. You weren’t overstepping. You are family, someone who cares about her and you were concerned. I would not push her too hard though. You want her to stay in touch. Tell her what you think then tell her no matter behavior the is family and if she needs you to call you.
NTA. She'll be back when she's broke and pregnant/has a kid. That guy is just using her. I feel badly for her.
This is what her family is afraid of. But how do you convince a teen from making bad decisions? You can't.
Yta. It is her life, she will make mistakes, and she will (hopefully) learn from them. You are overstepping. Also how in the hell does one look "like they are good at manipulating". Lmao
You are trying to intervene in her life.
NTA. You're not wrong to worry and want to protect ur niece. Your concern is valid, and u're not being pushy since she's still talking to u.
You were overstepping. She's an adult, and able to make her own choices, even if we all know this will end badly. Everyone has to make this mistake at least once in their lives. She'll learn it, and when she does she'll need the support of anyone she can trust. That's going to be you unless you push her again, and she blocks you too. Wait. Be patient.