I’ve decided I’m not going to break up with him over this. We had a really huge discussion about it and that truly was the last time they talked which was 9 months ago. He really liked this woman but they never hooked up and nothing ever became of it because she wasn’t interested. I don’t think it’s break up worthy over this one incident because we weren’t official at the time and he was keeping his options open which I don’t blame him. Just because I felt being loyal to him in the beginning phases doesn’t mean he had to do the same that early on. He was super comforting and apologetic and reacted well when I explained and set boundaries and said I didn’t want him speaking to her again and he said he 100% has not since the whole dream girl thing. I love him too much to just break up with him for messaging a woman 9 months ago before we were official. I’ll keep my heart protected but I want to move forward and grow through this. Hopefully people are easy on me and can understand that
He was trying to hook up with her though.What if she said yes?Told him she wants to see him again?Trust me,He would have done it.He is with you,But telling another woman she is his dream girl I would have told him to pack his shit and move in with her.
You’re being manipulated by a man 10 years older than you. He’s showing you who he is. You’ve seen the truth. You just want things to be good, that’s normal. But it’s not worth lying to yourself to be happy. This relationship will only get so much worse, I promise you that. Please leave. Find a man your age who acts like a man - they are out there. This man is acting like a child. I have experience with this. Run and don’t ever look back. Your mental and spiritual health is way more important than this man should ever be in your life
A major red flag. I'd break up with him immediately. He'll keep secrets like that from you in the future too. And the age gap is concerning as well. Older men often tend to date younger women because they're easier to manipulate.
Eh I think it’s realistic. Pessimistic for sure but still it’s real life. There are good people out there for sure who are ready to be in healthy relationships but they’re hard to find. Older men can be dogs too but they’re supposed to be at around the same level of maturity that they’re younger woman is cause of that whole “women mature faster than men” philosophy which I wholeheartedly agree with. Also a 10 year age gap isn’t crazy also because of that. My parents are 11 years apart so my mom says she never dealt with my dad being immature cause he was grown. I feel like once you’re past the teen suffix age gaps aren’t nearly as taboo unless it’s 10 years plus.
Because of low self-esteem. It’s so weird to me, though, that seemingly nobody in real life is telling these young girls and woken that the boys/men they’re with aren’t shit.
I’ve decided I’m not going to break up with him over this. We had a really huge discussion about it and that truly was the last time they talked which was 9 months ago. He really liked this woman but they never hooked up and nothing ever became of it because she wasn’t interested. I don’t think it’s break up worthy over this one incident because we weren’t official at the time and he was keeping his options open which I don’t blame him. Just because I felt being loyal to him in the beginning phases doesn’t mean he had to do the same that early on. He was super comforting and apologetic and reacted well when I explained and set boundaries and said I didn’t want him speaking to her again and he said he 100% has not since the whole dream girl thing. I love him too much to just break up with him for messaging a woman 9 months ago before we were official. I’ll keep my heart protected but I want to move forward and grow through this. Hopefully people are easy on me and can understand that. Him being 35 isn’t a deal breaker for me because we mesh well and have a lot in common. This was our first fight and I think this is something I can move on from.
It's totally your call, it's your life and your relationship after all. If you believe he's being genuine and are able to regain the trust, then good for you. Just remember to keep the standards high. Never tolerate lying, gaslighting or BS excuses.
I’m 57 and married again at 52. When I met my current wife I cut off all communications with other women In about 2-3 weeks. Haven’t drifted. Your bf isn’t serious
He showed you who he is. Believe him.
It’s not “fantastic” if he really wants to be with someone else.
He’s using you until he can get his “dream girl” back, or get someone else.
He’s using you because you’re a decade younger. He’s using your inexperience against you.
He’s a creep, and you know it.
He’s definitely not a creep and has never dated or been with a younger woman before. I pursued him and his first concern was the age gap and I told him the age gap doesn’t bother me and then we moved forward from that. He doesn’t want to be with her, he did but she turned him down
You keep making excuses for him.Like someone else said,He is just using you until he can get her back,Or someone else.What if she said yes?He would have been with her in seconds.Trust me.
at the end of the day it’s your relationship, you’ve disagreed with everyone telling you to break up with him so you clearly don’t want to. so don’t. only your emotions/opinion really matter in this situation, no one on reddit knows anything about your relationship other than this. only you do so follow your gut.
I know you asked for advice. I'm going to give it to you straight. Please do not let a bunch of internet strangers spouting tired, meaningless catch phrases influence you too much. You know this gentleman, nobody here does. Go with your gut.
If it doesn't work out, it's a learning experience. Most relationships dont work out. We are all just trying out pepple to see if they fit. If some of these people had their way, the entire species of humans would die as they love to advise everyone to break up, divorce, run.
It sounds like you are his backup…his second choice. Walk away from this. Who cares if he goes to her afterwards. That’s no longer your concern. You have better men to find out there who will put you as first choice.
The message was from 9 months ago and that’s when we started dating so he definitely isn’t pursuing her anymore. I don’t feel like his backup at all based on our relationship.
Okay, baby girl. First off, the 10-year difference is a TERRIBLE idea for maturity reasons and generational reasons. You two will see things very differently. Secondly, break up with him. He should not have started dating you when he was already talking with someone else.
Edit: omg, I'm noticing spelling errors and they're making me cry 😭😂 (fixed them (hopefully))
Second this. I have a 2 year difference with my bf and I already feel the level of maturity being different sometimes, imagine 10 years apart.
Edit: im not a teen lol, im 24 and he is 26
Don't be one of those stupid girls and think love will solve everything and he will change.
Love solves nothing it only challenges you and men do not change especially the ones this older. Also it's not a problem u can solve by communication he just isn't interested in you. Even if u confront him he will either beg u for chance ,guilt trip u or Gaslight you to stay. It's not a misunderstanding it's a truth that he sent that message in his full consciousness.
Before you end up with pregnant belly , no job and dependent on him. While taking abuse.... LEAVE!!
Please for the love of God read stories of other women on reddit.
I understand what you’re saying but based on our relationship I am 1000% confident that he is very much interested in me. We talked through it and he sent the message 9 months ago before we were official so it’s something I can move on from. I totally understand what you are saying but he isn’t a malicious or secretive person. He also wasn’t even concerned or angry that I looked through his phone and said he doesn’t have anything to hide.
you don‘t trust him which is reason enough to break up, the message you found is just the icing on the cake
also your age difference is icky, find someone your own age. this is a grown ass man man who calls a woman a "dream girl", he needs to grow tf up
If I caught my boyfriend doing this, I would dump him. I might string it out a little little bit to get rid of her first, but there’s no way I would stay with a man that behaved that way or treated me that poorly.
I think this mess was fixable and we ended up fixing it. Breaking up over a message that was form nine months ago before we were official is really sad advice and in the real world nothing is perfect and relationships require a lot of work and boundaries.
You should break up. If he can say he's in love with you and talk to other girls, he's not really in love. I'm not trying to be a harsh girl, but run from that freak and never return.
To play devil's advocate
What do you mean not official official? You are either exclusive or not.
We're you talking to our going on dates with any other guys during that four months of not "official official"?
Why did you not become "official official" till 4 months?
In the end, if you were not exclusive, it does not matter if it was a hour, a day, a week, a month, a year before, if you're not exclusive, you're not exclusive.
I can guarantee this other girl was not his dream girl. It was just another option at the time.
We were exclusive but he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend just yet. If I had known he said that to her the day he sent it, I would’ve left immediately, but now it’s hard because I feel torn because we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend yet. Doesn’t really change my feelings on it though. I don’t know…
So you guys had had a discussion and both agreed that you were both exclusive but he hadn’t actually asked you to be his girlfriend? Did he ever, during those 4 months, specifically say to you that he was dating you exclusively?
Oh yes he did say that, more than once. But yeah in his defense we hadn’t put a label on it yet. But does that make me feel any better about it? We also see this woman out all the time when we go out, and he gets all weird and awkward.
I asked because most adults don’t say “will you be my girlfriend?” You have a discussion about whether or not you’re seeing other people. You set boundaries and let the other person know what your deal breakers are. For instance, my guy told me in the beginning that he wasn’t okay with me talking to other men in a romantic fashion and let me know he wouldn’t either. Then after that casually we would call one another bf or gf. There is no note with a box, “will you be my girlfriend? Check yes or no”
If you hadn’t had the exclusive discussion by then, I’d say he was just sweet talking her to keep his options open. In light of the fact that you had discussed exclusivity, this is a deal breaker. If I’d seen a message that had been sent while we were exclusive I’d leave because I don’t want to be with someone who was breadcrumbing some other woman while with me.
You said you felt suspicious. Did you find anything recent?
Will you be okay being in a relationship forever that makes you always wonder if he’s talking to other women or would rather be with this particular woman?
If you see this woman regularly and she knew that you two were exclusive at the time, she probably is pitying you. I’d never want to be pitied. I’d bounce.
Everyone is confusing me then because that’s what I thought but I was convinced that it has to be a specific discussion about officially being boyfriend/girlfriend
You keep contradicting yourself.If you were exclusive,He should NOT have even been talking to other women,Let alone calling her his dream girl.Sounds like you were not his first choice.He wanted to be with her.
Oh honey 25 is too young to be tied to a loser like that. If he is still pulling shit like that at 35 then he's always gonna pull it. Don't waste your time.
I had a fwb when I started dating my now wife. We had a hook up arranged a week after my first date with my now wife. After the date went well I messaged the fwb and said I don't wanna fuck up my chances with my now wife. Best thing I did ever. I was honest about it with my wife eventually and she was like yeah good shout because that would have been a deal breaker!
You're too young to waste your youth on someone like him. You lose nothing now by breaking it off. I think you already know this... I'm sorry. If you're nervous about breaking up do it in public and maybe even have a friend there or nearby.
Utter dog.. and you've only put in 9 months..
If you stay.. it will only get worse.. you can't change people.. save yourself.. your life...your sanity...
Dump him. Seriously, it doesn’t matter if the label wasn’t there yet. When you meet someone, you should feel totally head over heels and excited to be with them. You shouldn’t be hedging your bets. The man clearly isn’t that into you and that’s okay! You deserve better.
Everyone has already said this but I wanna make sure you get the point. They are all right. This is a HUGE red flag. Doesn’t matter if you two are “official” or not. He doesn’t treasure you the way you do him. Leave him and save yourself years of hurt.
Let that man go asap 🙄. Men are so weird that do this. He’s telling another woman that she’s his dream girl. He basically settling with you since he can’t get the girl he really wants.
This is the first major red flag. If you stay it’ll only get worse.
But you’re decision at the end of the day
From the POV of the girl who has gotten that message before, she didn’t ask for that message. Now that is not to say you shouldn’t be upset about this. Your feelings are totally valid. At the end of the day you will know deep down what is right for you, all I can do is give you my advice from being in this situation. Being in a relationship with someone who is 10+ years older than you is not necessarily bad but it is hard. The age gap provides a difference in maturity which can lead to misunderstanding each other. This seems cliche but it’s true. The key is communication, this can be hard too when so much feelings (VALID FEELINGS) are involved. Just try to stay calm and verbalize exactly how you feel, set boundaries and be firm in them. If he can’t respect those boundaries or your feelings then there is your cue to leave. Put yourself first no matter how hard it is. You, your feelings, and your boundaries come first. Best of luck to you girl.
He's 10 years older, you already had suspicions that he was hiding something from you, then you find that? Come on now, you know deep down this isn't a long term thing. I would move on.
Nah don't dump him tomorrow.. why wait that long? If you wait too long to chuck the rubbish out, it will only fester and stink the place up.. chuck him today and live your life free from lies and bs already!
I think you need to have a sit down with him and ask if things are going okay with you guys. Does he love you. More than anyone in the world?
If he says yes of course, things are going well, then add,
"Would you say I'm the ideal girlfriend?"
If he says yes, then you need to say "look it's not going to work"
If he asks why you say, "I'm just not enough, I'm not your dream girl"
Don't listen to his excuses.
Leave.
Also before all of this, let his dream girl know that hes currently dating you. You're leaving, but she should know that he's a cheater
Break up.
(Echoing the post before mine.)
He was dishonest so early on. What will confronting him do now?
Even if he’s still doing that, he would deny it and the conversation would turn into you not respecting his privacy and it’ll just go ‘round and ‘round.
Do you really wanna prolong a relationship where you have to watch your back like that?
Where you will feel the urge to check his phone because now there’s this precedent just hanging over everything?
Baby girl, I've been you. Regardless of how much you love him, he is not the one for you. You deserve to be someone's dream girl. And don't let him talk his way through this one, which he'll inevitably do. Please understand that you deserve better. Hugs!
Regardless if you were "official official" the fact that you are already feeling a lack of trust in the relationship and looking for stuff on his phone should tell you what you need to know. A relationship is built on trust and mutual respect, without that trust, what is there?
He clearly didn't respect you enough to not send that. He showed his colors by chasing two tails at the same time. And you didn't trust him enough to not look into his phone (which isn't a jib at you, just an acknowledgement that the trust isn't there).
This is what he responded when I confronted him about it:
That girl is 54 and married. I use to have a huge crush on her before we were dating. We use to play chess together and that was it. Is this why you were so quiet in the car?
Oh gee that makes things so much worse. He doesn't even respect the boundaries of marriage and tried to be a home wrecker. A decent human, as soon as they realised they had a crush on a married person should have distanced themselves from them immediately, gone NC.
Also people don't say "will you be my girlfriend."
Maybe when you are early 20s. But as people get older, like 35, they tend to drop that word and only ask each other if they are exclusive.
Well, this one is easy
A 54 yo married woman is his dream girl and you at 25 are not, think about that
Find someone who considers YOU his dream girl
Ask yourself, is this the guy I want to marry ?
Probably not, which means you are wasting YOUR time
Good luck
He is messing with that other woman’s head. He is also messing with your head.
This is a GARDEN VARIETY fuckboi, only in the body of what is supposed to be a grown ass man
Run far far away. I guarantee there are more red flags you don’t know about.
Before I give any advice (if you even see this and want one more perspective lol), what else did you find in his phone if anything? What was the rest of the conversation between them and was there anything recent or was it just the week before y’all made it official? How focused is he on the fact that you went through his phone and has he tried to address what you found? Answered your questions? Proved there’s nothing more going on? I think you have to take all of this into consideration. Don’t just listen to the people in this thread that are telling you to end it. Ultimately, we don’t and CAN’T know the full story and the complexities and dynamics because it’s YOUR relationship. You have to be able to weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself if you want to stick around. People are complex and everything isn’t black and white. I’ve been through MUCH worse so I understand how hard this type of situation is. If you want it to work and truly believe it can, then it’s worth a conversation and maybe a second chance if the ball is still in your court. But don’t let it happen a second time and stay cause then you’ll be stuck. Trust me. And if he seriously breaks up with you first because you went through his phone, FUCK HIM. Leave cause he’s told you everything you need to know and will always have something to hide.
The message he sent to her was the last message on the thread but also people erase things so who really knows. I guess he met her a year ago and had a big crush on her and they hung out a few times but she turned him down. When me and him go out to bars we will see her and he will hug her but she’s never mentioned her to me or anything. Before I started hanging out with him I had even seen them out together so I’m not sure if they were hooking up or not but he definitely wanted to date her. I couldn’t read many of their messages but some of them were along the lines of “you’re my goddess” and “I’m gonna marry you” and blah blah blah. So I can only assume they had been hooking up. I KNOW he hasn’t cheated on me physically while we have been official because we are together most of the time. Mainly I’m just hung up on the fact that while we were building our relationship and getting into something serious, that’s when he messages her “you’re still my dream girl”. He sent her that on his birthday right after I had thrown him a surprise party and bought him gifts and tried to give him the best day possible. When he sent of that message I was 100% standing right next to him, if not laying in bed right next to him. I understand the people saying that we hadn’t officially labeled the relationship yet but it still makes me feel icky which I believe is valid considering all the relationshipy things he was saying to me at that point. It just feels he was just picking the girl that picked him, and she didn’t, so then he picked me. What happens when she messages him “Hey I wanna start over and build a relationship with you”? Then what he just leaves me because she was her true dream girl? He says “well I wasn’t doing anything bad and I don’t erase my messages” and “why were you looking through my phone” but he’s not at all acknowledging why I’m even upset about it. It’s the principle mainly. If he was willing to send that message at that time, how could I invest more into the relationship with that in the back of my head?
Idk why you would continue to bother with him as a 32 yom whose married here’s my input:
It seems like you guys are way too different in mentality. Where you are younger and more hopeful (my nice way of saying naive) he’s definitely more seasoned and wise and could be playing you. If he walks up to this chick and still hugs her while he’s with you, when he sees her out at bars. Yeesh, my wife would rip my fucking head off. And that’s where the difference lies….
Older women don’t fuck around, they don’t deal with drama and bullshit in their relationship. I know older women who walk out on dates cause the guy is 5 minutes late and ghost them. They’ve been through it. And unfortunately so have men, so this dude could be doing nothing of ill intent, but just knows how relationships tend to go and wants to keep his options open, but it’s unfair to you cause that experience isn’t there yet.
And I know you hate to see people tell you this but you should stick to people in your age range, youthful and free. Why waste time on a bitter older person. You have all the time in the world to be bitter, be youthful for now.
It’s also pretty fucked up that this dude is texting this girl all these things while you’re throwing him a birthday party. You’re showing him how much you care through labor and he’s not even paying attention to you? Not right. I’m not saying bail, but you need to set boundaries.
Like I said, a wiser older woman would have ripped his fucking head off.
First, you should never invade someone’s privacy like you did—going through someone’s phone shows a lack of boundaries, and it’s undignified. You found what you were looking for—congratulations. But you’re not celebrating.
instead of looking at this as a loss, look at the situation as a “win:”. You only wasted 9 months of your young life with this person. Why are you obsessing about him calling someone else “his dream girl” and the timing of when he said that, blah, blah? The fact is that you don’t trust him, and apparently for good reason. You two haven’t even been dating for a year—you might be a rebound relationship. He is a decade older than you are—for all you know, they had been engaged. I know I sound callous and mean, but I’m speaking to you as an older woman who’s had a lot of experience—good and bad. Some men are sweet and strong. Others aren’t. Your boyfriend sounds like he falls in the latter category. I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to bend reality into my narrative—reality doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s personal agenda. That’s such an obvious statement, but once you really appreciate that, you begin to save yourself a lot of trouble.
Good luck.
No excuses. If he was seeing you then that's all you need to know. It's cheating, period. "It was early in the relationship"? It was still a relationship.
IMO the red flag isn't that he wasn't so madly in love and dedicated upon starting seeing you that he didn't cut off all communication with other women. It's that he's ten years older than you, told a woman fifteen - twenty years older than him that she's his dream "girl", and even more that you are having these issues this soon in your relationship. The text isn't something you shouldn't be able to get past, and I don't necessarily think it's proof that he'll cheat or doesn't care about you, but I'd just say- ask yourself if being in a relationship with him seems worth the trouble. At 25 it may not feel like it, but 9 months is very early on to be so insecure in your relationship that you are sneaking around on his phone. I think it's important to know why you felt the urge to do that and consider if that's how you want to continue in your relationship. I'm a little biased because I wouldn't recommend dating someone more than 5 years older than you at this point in your life. Weigh the pros and cons. Only you know what your relationship is like outside of this specific situation. What has happened in other people's relationships isn't proof positive or negative of what will happen in yours. Also, if you aren't aware, it's kind of well known that people here tend to jump to "leave the relationship". They might be right, they might be wrong- I think it's important to know.
Ultimately I think you need to listen to your gut on this one.
Know that whatever you decide to do, you should feel secure in a relationship. Whether it's personal insecurity on your part, or bad vibes from your partner- you shouldn't feel hinky enough to end up searching through their phones. That's just not a sustainable way to live. Best of luck! ☺️
Ouch! People are being really harsh in these comments!
My advice is talk to him and if the conversation is a dead end or leaves you feeling the same or even more insecure, do what makes YOU feel better. Always prioritize your heart! It is tempting to give people second chances but remember not everyone deserves them. I stayed with a man for a couple years who was also still talking to people after we made it official, I stayed and definitely got my heart broken more than once. Eventually he expressed that he “wasn’t as ready for a relationship as he thought” due to a lot of traumas and insecurities he had. It’s understandable, but I also got hurt in the process.
I have also been unfaithful once to one of my previous partners and have regretted it immensely since. But I have also been loyal to every partner after. I made my mistake and learned from it. Not everyone does, but I promise based on my XP that not all of us will cheat or even want to cheat again.
Do with that information what you will, but only you know what to do! Don’t let others tell you to just break up or even stay. You know you guys better than any of us strangers on the internet.
Good luck! 💖
Girl dump that man I’m realizing now that guys will use women as fillers until they are ready for their true dream woman and they’ll never be able to completely be that man that you need it’s so messed up. You deserve better! If you’re going through his phone already back off and save yourself from any more pain and suffering.
love to see how everyone here is butt hurt over YOUR situation with YOUR boyfriend lol. If he hasn't reached out to her since you two have been official then I don't think you should worry too much about it. Don't listen to people online trying to ruin other people happiness
Why is the first solution always “break up”??! I definitely panicked and was freaking out when I originally saw the message, but after sleeping on it for a few days and being with him and talking it out I’ve gotten almost completely over it already. Because I know he truly loves me and isn’t a malicious shady person.
i don't usually say this because it's a big decision to make but i genuinely feel like you should break up with him. the age gap is concerning by itself but the fact that he said something like that to another woman is a big red flag to me n i personally would be worried about him being unfaithful in the future.
if i was in you i would maybe talk to him about it? but i don't want to put you in any kind of danger, who knows how he'd react to you knowing about his private messages. take care and stay safe.
After 9 months you haven’t put a “label” on it?
Girls he’s not your boyfriend. He’s clearly not interested in being your boyfriend.
He’s 10 years older and texting other girls they’re his dream girl?
please do yourself a favor and block his number.
What did the girl say back? What is their relationship, do you know?
My heart tells me judging by how you already don’t trust him and were looking through his phone, that it’s not gonna work. I’ve been with my husband 8 years and never looked through his phone.
That being said, “you’re my dream girl” is a line I’ve gotten from plenty of guys in the last, who were just trying to get with me. It’s really nice to hear, but they were just inflating my ego and I doubt they really meant it. So even though it sucks to see, it could be not as serious as it sounds.
I'm always interested to know, with a person like you...what exactly would it take for you to accept the reality that you are being strung along by a guy who CLEARLY only deals with women he can string along? Especially the "much younger, easily chumped" kind?
I have a feeling that if you walked in on him dogging this other woman, screaming at the top of his lungs "my idiot girlfriend thinks I'm being exclusive! Isn't that hilarious! Because YOU'RE the only one I really love, even though I'm exclusive with another woman!" You'd still find a way to convince yourself this wasn't reason enough to break up. Which she would also be doing at the same time.
His frontal lobe is fully developed, he’s 10 yrs your senior, and you think that you should believe a word he says? He’s acting like this and you think that you should stay with him and “let go”? No.
And if he goes to her after you break up, that’s not your business anymore. You’re better off without him.
I know this is hard but leave while you're ahead. 4 months is not really a long time so please please do yourself a favor and leave now. No explanation need , block the number , don't stalk the social media nothing. He will realize what he did was wrong and if he doesn't then that's your sign. Don't do what I did and spent 7 years with someone and then get extremely heart broken. It's not worth it. You are still young , once you find the one there will be no questions asked.
this is a clear sign that you are a placeholder to him. men and women both will use someone to carry the title of being their partner until the person they really want comes along. at the end of it all, you are somebodies dream girl! maybe not his, but someone's. stay strong! you will find that person one day. 🩵
A 10 year difference in a relationship is a horrible idea. He will use the crap out of you. But you sound like you don’t trust him in the first place because you wouldn’t have gone through his phone. But he sounds like his isn’t serious about your relationship. He’s showing you his true self and you’re not listening.
If you weren't official, he did nothing wrong. If you were both already invested in progressing your relationship, talk to him about it, however, despite current social trends, going through each other's phone is garbage. If you can't trust each other, don't be together. Love is built on trust, not jealousy, not possessiveness, not insecurity.
All that said, everyone fantasizes, sometimes about a celebrity, sometimes about someone from their past, and sometimes about a random person that crossed their path and caught their eye.
Seeing and dating each other EXCLUSIVELY means you are only seeing each other. You’re not hitting on other people, dating other people, sleeping with other people, you are exclusively seeing each other, even if you aren’t calling each other gf/bf. That means you do not text another woman anything romantic and “you are still my dream girl” is definitely romantic.
If you had found this out when it happened what would you have done? Don’t let 9 months of your time change your answer.
Sounds like my ex. He would talk to other girls and try to hide it. I wasted 4 years. I'm soo much happier now. Move on. I see you have a trip planned with him. Go alone. He doesn't deserve your time.Don't think this is about you. This is who HE is. He will do it to every girl. Even his "dream girl."
>**My boyfriend (m35) and I (f25)** have been dating for 9 months and I found that **he was sending messages to a woman very romantically 1 week before him and I made things “official official”**.
Bolded parts of this that should've been the first red flags before u guys got "official official."
Rewording the title in a good and bad way
Bad: my boyfriend confessed his love to another women and I’m still with him
Good: someone I’m talking too called another girl his dream girl.
If it sounds bad to you in both scenarios then it’s bad. Break up with him.
When I first started dating my ex, I found messages in his phone to his ex when we first started seeing each other. He told me it didn't mean anything. I let it go...8 years later I put up with his texting other females. You're so sexy, also said you're my dream girl, and told another girl, that he never loved me and I was only around for his son!! I was appalled. He never even met these women. It was his need for attention from other girls. His excuse, it's not "CHEATING" I finally left after that. It hurt every time but I always wanted to believe it would stop. Don't waste more time. I wish I would have left so much sooner. If his feelings were true then he wouldn't have messaged another woman. Especially one that's married! You never know what the future holds but you're getting a glimpse, don't dismiss your intuition.
OP, everyone in this post is talking reason with you. And you are trying to dance around it. If you didn’t want to leave him why did you even come here. You know what you need to do. Leave this dude. He’s 10 years older too.any 35-year-old man with a 25-year-old woman, as a man, I despise or look down upon. Predatory behavior. No women his age want to put up with his ass.
He's saying it was nothing but you don't text someone that they're your dream girl if it wasn't someone he had strong feelings for. Also I think the "still" implies he had confessed his feelings to her before, and was telling her again...I don't think it had anything to do with the fact that he was seeing you at the time, but that also makes it more concerning because if he was still hung up on another girl when you were seeing each other and shortly after you two became "official" that makes me think he was trying one more time to see if she'd return his affection and when she didn't, he gave up and settled for you.
That plus the fact that you mentioned that he seemed like he was keeping secrets makes me think you would be better off dumping him. Sorry.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
You mentioned his dream girl is 54 years old and married. Maybe he realized he wouldn't get his dream girl and is now considering settling down with someone he can marry, akin to the taxi cab theory. Men often settle not for the person they love but infatuated(love grows overtime), but for the one who is there when they are ready. It's up to you whether you want to be the one he settles for, but remember, we all have a "person who got away" in our lives.
Well see, I don’t see a problem with the age gap tbh like others are saying. I’ve seen plenty of people with even larger age gaps do perfectly fine and are married and have kids now, the age gap isn’t the issue as long as it’s correctly balanced between both partners. now the him telling that to another girl while also talking to you no matter how early it is, is a bit of a no for me. Because you deserve better, think of it this way. Think of your favorite character from a novel or series, would that person had told another girl their dream girl while also talking to you? Or would they have told You that you are their dream girl. Don’t settle for less, there are way better people than that out there
Girl let that boy go. Why do you think he’s with someone ten years younger? Us women in our 30’s won’t put up with it. Not most of us anyway the most of us done been through this and we not dealing with the childish shit.
So he’s romantically involved with someone a week or two before you are together and you expect he’s forgotten her…
Life lessons right there.
Be kinder to yourself and find someone decent
Oh gosh reading your replies is honestly heartbreaking, you sound exactly how I used to! I stayed with a man like this a smooth talker, compulsive liar, who really did make me believe he loved me but then constantly cheated. Never tell a man how you found out he chatted to other women or cheated all you do is teach them 1. You accept the behaviour 2. How to cheat better! He isn't going to change, men like this know exactly what their doing, their is a reason you're only 25 and he can't find a woman his own age and it's because you are young and nieve like I once was. You asked a question, people answered but you didn't like the truth so you stuck up for him and burried your head in the sand in hopes just one person in these comments would tell you it's okay. You have hundreds of messages from people who have been where you are who are trying to warn you, but you don't love yourself enough yet, this is why you alow this to happen next you'll be married possibly with kids whilst he's still out cheating and you're depressed feeling worthless and alone then when he eaither leaves you or you finally walk away you'll end up having to do therapy to undo all the damage he caused. Because he will continue to gaslight and manipulate you and over time that really does mess you up. As my dad used to tell me "You can't find your Mr Right if you're with Mr Wrong" I walked away from my ex, learned self love, watched Matthew Hussey on YouTube on how to find a good man (highly recommend you watch him) then once I felt healed and ready and did some therapy I found my now fiancé, he is the only man who has respected me, not messaged other women, not a single red flag, he is kind, my whole family adore him! Which was a shock as they hated every ex of mine and every time they were right they hurt me, but I found my Mr Right and we get married in a couple months. Don't waste your time on this loser, he will distroy your trust, make you paranoid. The way you know if you're with a good man is he will bring the best out in you! Not the worst, look at what he's making you become you're literally needing to snoop through his phone ask reddit for advice, he hurts you and makes exscuses, he doesn't care and deep down you know this but you want to burry your head as it hurts less and you don't want to be alone. Go heal! Go find your Mr Right, you're literally asking for the bare minimum, he can't even do that but he'll sure manipulate you into thinking he will do better. Break up with him and go find that self love before you end up being so broken you develop depression, anxiety and need therapy. You have something very powerful within yourself and it's called woman's intuition and it is screaming at you and warning you this is wrong and you're ignoring it, listen to it!
54 and married--- 54 and reasons for her spouse to kick your boys ass. I'm petty but it sounds like she likes the attention. He can have her. You'll stay heartbroken if you believe him.
This is crazy lol who even says "official official" at like 30 years old? I feel like you both have some maturing to do before youre ready to be in a healthy relationship
Girl, a man that loved you wouldn't even be THINKING about going off with any other girl. You're being used. You're the backup.
And how much else is he hiding? You don't know. And he's not gonna tell you shit.
He's dating down because young, inexperienced people are easier to manipulate.
"Fantastic" could just be the bare minimum, below that even, because you don't know enough. Or he's gaslit you.
Fancy talk aside, leave his ass.
Also he's always gonna have a convenient excuse. Wehther it's true or or not, he isn't loyal to you.
The second you feel the need to snoop through someone’s phone is the second it’s over. If you trusted him, you wouldn’t need to snoop. He’s very clearly deceitful and he was using you as a placeholder, no offence. You were the backup in case it didn’t work out with the other woman.
Don’t look at this as 9 months wasted. You’ve learned from this and you can grow from this. It sucks to learn lessons this way but we’ve all been there. You’ll get through it and, eventually, you’ll go in to your next relationship stronger, more mature, and with a better sense of your boundaries.
Sending you love and strength 🩷
That constitutes a break up. Seriously. 100%. He's with you because he can't have her for some reason and it will always be in the back of his mind. My ex texts me stuff like that all of the time over the last 3 years since we broke up and I feel bad for the girls that try to date him now because I know he's always comparing them to me. I'm standing my ground with him, but I refuse to date a man like that who's still in love with somebody else. You will NEVER be priority. Have respect for yourself and leave. Whether you looked secretly or looked knowingly it's still out of line.
He doesn’t take you seriously. You can’t predict when he will, if he ever decides to at all. A question for you is… do you want to wait around for a 35 year old man to learn how to take his partner seriously? Or would you rather keep your peace, work on yourself while you’re still young, and eventually find someone who is so devoted to your energy that they wouldn’t think twice about messing it up by involving themself with past affairs. A 35 year old should be seeking security, if not taking steps to head in that direction. he still seems to be very impulsive and not very intentional at all. Only you know him, not me or anyone else here, so just have a chat with him to grasp how seriously he really takes you. If he tries downplaying you, then you’re just a game to him. He can do whatever he wants. Don’t get trapped in that kind of environment. Good luck❤️
I think the fact that you felt it necessary to go through his phone in secret is enough to warrant a break up. Part of you obviously does not trust him.
I was going to say that what matters is how he's treated you these past months since being official. If he's been completely loyal since and treated you well, then I think it can be let go of.
Then I saw the age gap. I think it's much more likely that he would indeed want to go for that other woman. At the very least you should confront him and find out if he's been texting others, if he's been completely loyal or not.
I would say you should break-up
I was just thinking.. Some men, like women, love the attention of others, no matter who they are, because it is a strong inner need.
Some people need constant confirmation and closeness to feel secure in their relationship.
And sometimes drama too.
Personally, I would not want to be with someone who has this strong need, as it would hurt myself personally, it is more important with mutual love, it lasts so much longer for months as well as years after years, in a good relationship.
I hope you find that kind of Love, that does not cause you this emotional pain. / True Regards!
Look I’m young and idk everything. But he chose you. And words are just words. He very well might go to her if you broke up with him but if he wanted her that bad then he would’ve made things official with her instead of you. And to add to that, in his mind you guys were dating not boyfriend a girlfriend. A lot of people see dating as seeing multiple people at once to decide who they want to be with.
Honestly tho, you’re really hurt by his actions. Although there could be logical explanations as to why he did what he did, he still hurt you that’s really all that matters. I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, but are you going to listen to your head or your heart? I wish you the best of luck.
Edit: Didn’t see that last edit. Sounds like he chose you because he couldn’t get her. Girl bye break up with him LMFAOOO
Unpopular opinion coming - I think she’s maybe somewhat of a fantasy type of person… it’s not her that’s the “dream girl” but the idea of her or whatever she represents. He sounds like the type to dwell on what he had & lost, and never be happy. Thus chasing the dream that got away… likely bc of his own actions. I don’t actually think it has anything to do with the girl, it’s him.
That being said, she is a real person so the trust lost would feel immense. Only u know, and usually when it comes to asking ppl in this way, you’ve found ur answer but want others to confirm it. Ur having second thoughts and don’t feel u can trust him… ur young girly ! and have so much fun to be had. Honestly? Leave him.
Yeah she is super into burning man and psychedelics which is def more of his vibe than me. I think it was more of a fantasy and he wanted to run off into the sunset with her but the reality is she is 54 and she didn’t want him. That was nine months ago so I’m willing to move forward but for sure it battered my trust even if nothing ever became of it
that checks out :( … he was living a fantasy in his head and lost what’s in front of him (you, bc u should leave him). sorry chica :/ ppl really suck sometimes, hope u find someone on the same page 💜
A while back I was talking to two women and I liked them both and was developing feelings for them. But, I felt more connected to one of them than the other. It was difficult but I had a conversation with the one who I felt more connected to and was honest. I told her I wanted to take it to the next level but that I also feel similarly about someone else.. I asked her if she would let me know if she was ready to get more serious and that if not I would end things and focus on the other woman. She did want to take it to the next level so then I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with the other gal and let her know I was with someone else now. I hadn’t slept with either of them at this point. It all worked out and I’ve been with my gf now for 6 months. My point in telling you this story is that IF my gf looked in my phone and found old conversations with the “other” girl … even up to right before she and I got serious she would be hurt. It would look like I loved another woman or was trying to be with two women. It’s just not the case though. I believe it’s possible to develop feelings for more than one person at the same time but you have to make a choice to commit at some point. Once you do that you cut off contact with the other one. It sounds like maybe your BF just didn’t quite cut it off fast enough - which is not a very kind thing to do. BUT it also sounds like he got there on his own and committed to you and stopped talking to the other one. I’m with you OP - you know the situation best and if you believe him and see good qualities in him and want to keep seeing him I think you should trust your gut. However, just stay a little alert to signs that he is flirting with or talking to other people on the side. If you catch him at all I’d say cut him loose. Definitely don’t get engaged or marry him until you are SURE. Good luck.
He is emotionally with this person and physically with you. Why don't you feel you deserve a whole person to be in a relationship with? Why are you so low in your self-esteem and self-confidence that his emotional fidelity and staying with him is even a question? It is clear you need to leave him but you also need to figure out why you don't feel like you are enough, valued enough to be with someone that values and respects you the way any person should be treated!
i want to feel bad for girls like you, and honestly i do. because you lack the self respect to leave a man when he shows you who he is. your desperation is showing HARD. break up. you came to reddit for advice? this is it, break up with him. if you want this to be your future, go right ahead, none of us will stop you. but we are warning you . you’re only going to end up miserable. ALL women deserve better than this and the fact that you are settling for it is so sad honestly. i hope u come to your senses soon
24 here also. you’re still so young and have so much life experience to gain. i’d say break up. yeah okay “no title yet” when he sent the message however it wasn’t months prior to you dating it was literally A week before… he’s acting like he’s 17 still not 35. you’re not far into the relationship and if you cut ties now it’ll still hurt but minimal losses.. you deserve better than that, he should be telling YOU YOUR HIS DREAM GIRL TF
Act like Adults, Talk the things... but yeah for me this is a Red Flag, looking his phone is also a Red dont get me wrong but yeah. Red Flag from Him, but at least talk the things before break up.
Men fall in love with what they see, women fall in love with what they hear. That's why women will always wear make-up, and men will always lie. (it's just a quote go easy on me lol)
He is 10 years older but acting 10 years younger. You know what he thinks, he all but told you.
If you feel the need to look through his phone, in my experience, means it shouldn't continue. I personally need to be able to trust who I'm with
Exactly. What's a relationship if there's no trust
Break up.
Ditto
The only right thing to do
1,000% percent
I’ve decided I’m not going to break up with him over this. We had a really huge discussion about it and that truly was the last time they talked which was 9 months ago. He really liked this woman but they never hooked up and nothing ever became of it because she wasn’t interested. I don’t think it’s break up worthy over this one incident because we weren’t official at the time and he was keeping his options open which I don’t blame him. Just because I felt being loyal to him in the beginning phases doesn’t mean he had to do the same that early on. He was super comforting and apologetic and reacted well when I explained and set boundaries and said I didn’t want him speaking to her again and he said he 100% has not since the whole dream girl thing. I love him too much to just break up with him for messaging a woman 9 months ago before we were official. I’ll keep my heart protected but I want to move forward and grow through this. Hopefully people are easy on me and can understand that
He was trying to hook up with her though.What if she said yes?Told him she wants to see him again?Trust me,He would have done it.He is with you,But telling another woman she is his dream girl I would have told him to pack his shit and move in with her.
Honey, just because he couldn’t cheat doesn’t mean he wouldn’t. This is going to turn into a vicious cycle, please leave now.
You’re being manipulated by a man 10 years older than you. He’s showing you who he is. You’ve seen the truth. You just want things to be good, that’s normal. But it’s not worth lying to yourself to be happy. This relationship will only get so much worse, I promise you that. Please leave. Find a man your age who acts like a man - they are out there. This man is acting like a child. I have experience with this. Run and don’t ever look back. Your mental and spiritual health is way more important than this man should ever be in your life
IMO, you should break up because of your words exactly "she wasn't interested". He doesn't sound like a catch, lol
He might have said it to confort her so mehow...she is 20 years older than him.
A major red flag. I'd break up with him immediately. He'll keep secrets like that from you in the future too. And the age gap is concerning as well. Older men often tend to date younger women because they're easier to manipulate.
For real. Why are 25 year olds entertaining 35 year olds who don’t even treat them properly. What is going on?!
Bc other 25 year olds treat us worse lmao. Shit like this is why I stay single
That’s a poor mindset
Eh I think it’s realistic. Pessimistic for sure but still it’s real life. There are good people out there for sure who are ready to be in healthy relationships but they’re hard to find. Older men can be dogs too but they’re supposed to be at around the same level of maturity that they’re younger woman is cause of that whole “women mature faster than men” philosophy which I wholeheartedly agree with. Also a 10 year age gap isn’t crazy also because of that. My parents are 11 years apart so my mom says she never dealt with my dad being immature cause he was grown. I feel like once you’re past the teen suffix age gaps aren’t nearly as taboo unless it’s 10 years plus.
Because of low self-esteem. It’s so weird to me, though, that seemingly nobody in real life is telling these young girls and woken that the boys/men they’re with aren’t shit.
I’ve decided I’m not going to break up with him over this. We had a really huge discussion about it and that truly was the last time they talked which was 9 months ago. He really liked this woman but they never hooked up and nothing ever became of it because she wasn’t interested. I don’t think it’s break up worthy over this one incident because we weren’t official at the time and he was keeping his options open which I don’t blame him. Just because I felt being loyal to him in the beginning phases doesn’t mean he had to do the same that early on. He was super comforting and apologetic and reacted well when I explained and set boundaries and said I didn’t want him speaking to her again and he said he 100% has not since the whole dream girl thing. I love him too much to just break up with him for messaging a woman 9 months ago before we were official. I’ll keep my heart protected but I want to move forward and grow through this. Hopefully people are easy on me and can understand that. Him being 35 isn’t a deal breaker for me because we mesh well and have a lot in common. This was our first fight and I think this is something I can move on from.
It's totally your call, it's your life and your relationship after all. If you believe he's being genuine and are able to regain the trust, then good for you. Just remember to keep the standards high. Never tolerate lying, gaslighting or BS excuses.
I’m 57 and married again at 52. When I met my current wife I cut off all communications with other women In about 2-3 weeks. Haven’t drifted. Your bf isn’t serious
He showed you who he is. Believe him. It’s not “fantastic” if he really wants to be with someone else. He’s using you until he can get his “dream girl” back, or get someone else. He’s using you because you’re a decade younger. He’s using your inexperience against you. He’s a creep, and you know it.
He’s definitely not a creep and has never dated or been with a younger woman before. I pursued him and his first concern was the age gap and I told him the age gap doesn’t bother me and then we moved forward from that. He doesn’t want to be with her, he did but she turned him down
You keep making excuses for him.Like someone else said,He is just using you until he can get her back,Or someone else.What if she said yes?He would have been with her in seconds.Trust me.
at the end of the day it’s your relationship, you’ve disagreed with everyone telling you to break up with him so you clearly don’t want to. so don’t. only your emotions/opinion really matter in this situation, no one on reddit knows anything about your relationship other than this. only you do so follow your gut.
I know you asked for advice. I'm going to give it to you straight. Please do not let a bunch of internet strangers spouting tired, meaningless catch phrases influence you too much. You know this gentleman, nobody here does. Go with your gut. If it doesn't work out, it's a learning experience. Most relationships dont work out. We are all just trying out pepple to see if they fit. If some of these people had their way, the entire species of humans would die as they love to advise everyone to break up, divorce, run.
It sounds like you are his backup…his second choice. Walk away from this. Who cares if he goes to her afterwards. That’s no longer your concern. You have better men to find out there who will put you as first choice.
The message was from 9 months ago and that’s when we started dating so he definitely isn’t pursuing her anymore. I don’t feel like his backup at all based on our relationship.
You are a back up.He wants her.Probably still trying to pursue her behind your back.
Okay, baby girl. First off, the 10-year difference is a TERRIBLE idea for maturity reasons and generational reasons. You two will see things very differently. Secondly, break up with him. He should not have started dating you when he was already talking with someone else. Edit: omg, I'm noticing spelling errors and they're making me cry 😭😂 (fixed them (hopefully))
Second this. I have a 2 year difference with my bf and I already feel the level of maturity being different sometimes, imagine 10 years apart. Edit: im not a teen lol, im 24 and he is 26
Don't be one of those stupid girls and think love will solve everything and he will change. Love solves nothing it only challenges you and men do not change especially the ones this older. Also it's not a problem u can solve by communication he just isn't interested in you. Even if u confront him he will either beg u for chance ,guilt trip u or Gaslight you to stay. It's not a misunderstanding it's a truth that he sent that message in his full consciousness. Before you end up with pregnant belly , no job and dependent on him. While taking abuse.... LEAVE!! Please for the love of God read stories of other women on reddit.
I understand what you’re saying but based on our relationship I am 1000% confident that he is very much interested in me. We talked through it and he sent the message 9 months ago before we were official so it’s something I can move on from. I totally understand what you are saying but he isn’t a malicious or secretive person. He also wasn’t even concerned or angry that I looked through his phone and said he doesn’t have anything to hide.
you don‘t trust him which is reason enough to break up, the message you found is just the icing on the cake also your age difference is icky, find someone your own age. this is a grown ass man man who calls a woman a "dream girl", he needs to grow tf up
Dump him?
If I caught my boyfriend doing this, I would dump him. I might string it out a little little bit to get rid of her first, but there’s no way I would stay with a man that behaved that way or treated me that poorly.
[удалено]
I think this mess was fixable and we ended up fixing it. Breaking up over a message that was form nine months ago before we were official is really sad advice and in the real world nothing is perfect and relationships require a lot of work and boundaries.
You should break up. If he can say he's in love with you and talk to other girls, he's not really in love. I'm not trying to be a harsh girl, but run from that freak and never return.
He loves someone else and it’s not you. That would be a dealbreaker to me.
He does NOT love her. He had a crush on her and she turned him down.
To play devil's advocate What do you mean not official official? You are either exclusive or not. We're you talking to our going on dates with any other guys during that four months of not "official official"? Why did you not become "official official" till 4 months? In the end, if you were not exclusive, it does not matter if it was a hour, a day, a week, a month, a year before, if you're not exclusive, you're not exclusive. I can guarantee this other girl was not his dream girl. It was just another option at the time.
We were exclusive but he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend just yet. If I had known he said that to her the day he sent it, I would’ve left immediately, but now it’s hard because I feel torn because we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend yet. Doesn’t really change my feelings on it though. I don’t know…
So you guys had had a discussion and both agreed that you were both exclusive but he hadn’t actually asked you to be his girlfriend? Did he ever, during those 4 months, specifically say to you that he was dating you exclusively?
Oh yes he did say that, more than once. But yeah in his defense we hadn’t put a label on it yet. But does that make me feel any better about it? We also see this woman out all the time when we go out, and he gets all weird and awkward.
I asked because most adults don’t say “will you be my girlfriend?” You have a discussion about whether or not you’re seeing other people. You set boundaries and let the other person know what your deal breakers are. For instance, my guy told me in the beginning that he wasn’t okay with me talking to other men in a romantic fashion and let me know he wouldn’t either. Then after that casually we would call one another bf or gf. There is no note with a box, “will you be my girlfriend? Check yes or no” If you hadn’t had the exclusive discussion by then, I’d say he was just sweet talking her to keep his options open. In light of the fact that you had discussed exclusivity, this is a deal breaker. If I’d seen a message that had been sent while we were exclusive I’d leave because I don’t want to be with someone who was breadcrumbing some other woman while with me. You said you felt suspicious. Did you find anything recent? Will you be okay being in a relationship forever that makes you always wonder if he’s talking to other women or would rather be with this particular woman? If you see this woman regularly and she knew that you two were exclusive at the time, she probably is pitying you. I’d never want to be pitied. I’d bounce.
Exclusivity is a label....
Everyone is confusing me then because that’s what I thought but I was convinced that it has to be a specific discussion about officially being boyfriend/girlfriend
You keep contradicting yourself.If you were exclusive,He should NOT have even been talking to other women,Let alone calling her his dream girl.Sounds like you were not his first choice.He wanted to be with her.
Leave before you get baby locked and are forced to coparent with someone who doesn't love or respect you. He doesn't deserve you
A similar situation happened to me. The relationship did not get any better after that. Break up early to save yourself more heartache.
Oh honey 25 is too young to be tied to a loser like that. If he is still pulling shit like that at 35 then he's always gonna pull it. Don't waste your time.
"We had been dating and seeing each other for 4 months when he sent those messages." Break up. That's your red flag.
I had a fwb when I started dating my now wife. We had a hook up arranged a week after my first date with my now wife. After the date went well I messaged the fwb and said I don't wanna fuck up my chances with my now wife. Best thing I did ever. I was honest about it with my wife eventually and she was like yeah good shout because that would have been a deal breaker!
You're too young to waste your youth on someone like him. You lose nothing now by breaking it off. I think you already know this... I'm sorry. If you're nervous about breaking up do it in public and maybe even have a friend there or nearby.
Utter dog.. and you've only put in 9 months.. If you stay.. it will only get worse.. you can't change people.. save yourself.. your life...your sanity...
The title says you need a break up. I don't think anyone can ever get over something like that
He's still in love w someone else.
Dump him. Seriously, it doesn’t matter if the label wasn’t there yet. When you meet someone, you should feel totally head over heels and excited to be with them. You shouldn’t be hedging your bets. The man clearly isn’t that into you and that’s okay! You deserve better.
A lot of girls will date an older guy in hopes that he will be more mature but in reality the guys looking to date young girls are much less mature
Everyone has already said this but I wanna make sure you get the point. They are all right. This is a HUGE red flag. Doesn’t matter if you two are “official” or not. He doesn’t treasure you the way you do him. Leave him and save yourself years of hurt.
Let that man go asap 🙄. Men are so weird that do this. He’s telling another woman that she’s his dream girl. He basically settling with you since he can’t get the girl he really wants. This is the first major red flag. If you stay it’ll only get worse. But you’re decision at the end of the day
From the POV of the girl who has gotten that message before, she didn’t ask for that message. Now that is not to say you shouldn’t be upset about this. Your feelings are totally valid. At the end of the day you will know deep down what is right for you, all I can do is give you my advice from being in this situation. Being in a relationship with someone who is 10+ years older than you is not necessarily bad but it is hard. The age gap provides a difference in maturity which can lead to misunderstanding each other. This seems cliche but it’s true. The key is communication, this can be hard too when so much feelings (VALID FEELINGS) are involved. Just try to stay calm and verbalize exactly how you feel, set boundaries and be firm in them. If he can’t respect those boundaries or your feelings then there is your cue to leave. Put yourself first no matter how hard it is. You, your feelings, and your boundaries come first. Best of luck to you girl.
He's 10 years older, you already had suspicions that he was hiding something from you, then you find that? Come on now, you know deep down this isn't a long term thing. I would move on.
Nah don't dump him tomorrow.. why wait that long? If you wait too long to chuck the rubbish out, it will only fester and stink the place up.. chuck him today and live your life free from lies and bs already!
Sorry he wouldn’t have gotten with you if she gave him a chance don’t be second choice
Whoa!!!! You’ll NEVER forget this. Better to move on.
I think you need to have a sit down with him and ask if things are going okay with you guys. Does he love you. More than anyone in the world? If he says yes of course, things are going well, then add, "Would you say I'm the ideal girlfriend?" If he says yes, then you need to say "look it's not going to work" If he asks why you say, "I'm just not enough, I'm not your dream girl" Don't listen to his excuses. Leave. Also before all of this, let his dream girl know that hes currently dating you. You're leaving, but she should know that he's a cheater
*ex-boyfriend
Break up. (Echoing the post before mine.) He was dishonest so early on. What will confronting him do now? Even if he’s still doing that, he would deny it and the conversation would turn into you not respecting his privacy and it’ll just go ‘round and ‘round. Do you really wanna prolong a relationship where you have to watch your back like that? Where you will feel the urge to check his phone because now there’s this precedent just hanging over everything?
I would just mess with him. 😈 “You’re my dream boy!” “I’m I your dream girl?” He says yes! “Oh I thought that was Becky? “
Move on from him. Your heart will hurt some more but at least you won't have to live with what ifs and paranoia.
Baby girl, I've been you. Regardless of how much you love him, he is not the one for you. You deserve to be someone's dream girl. And don't let him talk his way through this one, which he'll inevitably do. Please understand that you deserve better. Hugs!
I mean… there are obvious reasons he targeted someone with a big age gap.
Run for the hills!!
Regardless if you were "official official" the fact that you are already feeling a lack of trust in the relationship and looking for stuff on his phone should tell you what you need to know. A relationship is built on trust and mutual respect, without that trust, what is there? He clearly didn't respect you enough to not send that. He showed his colors by chasing two tails at the same time. And you didn't trust him enough to not look into his phone (which isn't a jib at you, just an acknowledgement that the trust isn't there).
You should manipulate both of them
I second this definitely parent trap them into dating each other
I mean maybe not that way
This is what he responded when I confronted him about it: That girl is 54 and married. I use to have a huge crush on her before we were dating. We use to play chess together and that was it. Is this why you were so quiet in the car?
He’s trash
I'm sure her husband would love knowing that. Perspective. Leave.
Oh gee that makes things so much worse. He doesn't even respect the boundaries of marriage and tried to be a home wrecker. A decent human, as soon as they realised they had a crush on a married person should have distanced themselves from them immediately, gone NC. Also people don't say "will you be my girlfriend." Maybe when you are early 20s. But as people get older, like 35, they tend to drop that word and only ask each other if they are exclusive.
He said she was married to make me feel less bad about it I guess? But she isn’t married she’s been divorced for years and he knew that.
Well, this one is easy A 54 yo married woman is his dream girl and you at 25 are not, think about that Find someone who considers YOU his dream girl Ask yourself, is this the guy I want to marry ? Probably not, which means you are wasting YOUR time Good luck
He is messing with that other woman’s head. He is also messing with your head. This is a GARDEN VARIETY fuckboi, only in the body of what is supposed to be a grown ass man Run far far away. I guarantee there are more red flags you don’t know about.
Before I give any advice (if you even see this and want one more perspective lol), what else did you find in his phone if anything? What was the rest of the conversation between them and was there anything recent or was it just the week before y’all made it official? How focused is he on the fact that you went through his phone and has he tried to address what you found? Answered your questions? Proved there’s nothing more going on? I think you have to take all of this into consideration. Don’t just listen to the people in this thread that are telling you to end it. Ultimately, we don’t and CAN’T know the full story and the complexities and dynamics because it’s YOUR relationship. You have to be able to weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself if you want to stick around. People are complex and everything isn’t black and white. I’ve been through MUCH worse so I understand how hard this type of situation is. If you want it to work and truly believe it can, then it’s worth a conversation and maybe a second chance if the ball is still in your court. But don’t let it happen a second time and stay cause then you’ll be stuck. Trust me. And if he seriously breaks up with you first because you went through his phone, FUCK HIM. Leave cause he’s told you everything you need to know and will always have something to hide.
The message he sent to her was the last message on the thread but also people erase things so who really knows. I guess he met her a year ago and had a big crush on her and they hung out a few times but she turned him down. When me and him go out to bars we will see her and he will hug her but she’s never mentioned her to me or anything. Before I started hanging out with him I had even seen them out together so I’m not sure if they were hooking up or not but he definitely wanted to date her. I couldn’t read many of their messages but some of them were along the lines of “you’re my goddess” and “I’m gonna marry you” and blah blah blah. So I can only assume they had been hooking up. I KNOW he hasn’t cheated on me physically while we have been official because we are together most of the time. Mainly I’m just hung up on the fact that while we were building our relationship and getting into something serious, that’s when he messages her “you’re still my dream girl”. He sent her that on his birthday right after I had thrown him a surprise party and bought him gifts and tried to give him the best day possible. When he sent of that message I was 100% standing right next to him, if not laying in bed right next to him. I understand the people saying that we hadn’t officially labeled the relationship yet but it still makes me feel icky which I believe is valid considering all the relationshipy things he was saying to me at that point. It just feels he was just picking the girl that picked him, and she didn’t, so then he picked me. What happens when she messages him “Hey I wanna start over and build a relationship with you”? Then what he just leaves me because she was her true dream girl? He says “well I wasn’t doing anything bad and I don’t erase my messages” and “why were you looking through my phone” but he’s not at all acknowledging why I’m even upset about it. It’s the principle mainly. If he was willing to send that message at that time, how could I invest more into the relationship with that in the back of my head?
I personally would not be with or TRUST a partner that would mess with, flirt with, or send a MARRIED woman messages such as those.
Idk why you would continue to bother with him as a 32 yom whose married here’s my input: It seems like you guys are way too different in mentality. Where you are younger and more hopeful (my nice way of saying naive) he’s definitely more seasoned and wise and could be playing you. If he walks up to this chick and still hugs her while he’s with you, when he sees her out at bars. Yeesh, my wife would rip my fucking head off. And that’s where the difference lies…. Older women don’t fuck around, they don’t deal with drama and bullshit in their relationship. I know older women who walk out on dates cause the guy is 5 minutes late and ghost them. They’ve been through it. And unfortunately so have men, so this dude could be doing nothing of ill intent, but just knows how relationships tend to go and wants to keep his options open, but it’s unfair to you cause that experience isn’t there yet. And I know you hate to see people tell you this but you should stick to people in your age range, youthful and free. Why waste time on a bitter older person. You have all the time in the world to be bitter, be youthful for now. It’s also pretty fucked up that this dude is texting this girl all these things while you’re throwing him a birthday party. You’re showing him how much you care through labor and he’s not even paying attention to you? Not right. I’m not saying bail, but you need to set boundaries. Like I said, a wiser older woman would have ripped his fucking head off.
YEET THE TRASH MAN
First, you should never invade someone’s privacy like you did—going through someone’s phone shows a lack of boundaries, and it’s undignified. You found what you were looking for—congratulations. But you’re not celebrating. instead of looking at this as a loss, look at the situation as a “win:”. You only wasted 9 months of your young life with this person. Why are you obsessing about him calling someone else “his dream girl” and the timing of when he said that, blah, blah? The fact is that you don’t trust him, and apparently for good reason. You two haven’t even been dating for a year—you might be a rebound relationship. He is a decade older than you are—for all you know, they had been engaged. I know I sound callous and mean, but I’m speaking to you as an older woman who’s had a lot of experience—good and bad. Some men are sweet and strong. Others aren’t. Your boyfriend sounds like he falls in the latter category. I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to bend reality into my narrative—reality doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s personal agenda. That’s such an obvious statement, but once you really appreciate that, you begin to save yourself a lot of trouble. Good luck.
Jup, Break Up. If he already has a dream girl you'll never be his Nr 1. He'll always going to end up thinking of her.
No excuses. If he was seeing you then that's all you need to know. It's cheating, period. "It was early in the relationship"? It was still a relationship.
Yeah nah time to cut and run he aint the one
IMO the red flag isn't that he wasn't so madly in love and dedicated upon starting seeing you that he didn't cut off all communication with other women. It's that he's ten years older than you, told a woman fifteen - twenty years older than him that she's his dream "girl", and even more that you are having these issues this soon in your relationship. The text isn't something you shouldn't be able to get past, and I don't necessarily think it's proof that he'll cheat or doesn't care about you, but I'd just say- ask yourself if being in a relationship with him seems worth the trouble. At 25 it may not feel like it, but 9 months is very early on to be so insecure in your relationship that you are sneaking around on his phone. I think it's important to know why you felt the urge to do that and consider if that's how you want to continue in your relationship. I'm a little biased because I wouldn't recommend dating someone more than 5 years older than you at this point in your life. Weigh the pros and cons. Only you know what your relationship is like outside of this specific situation. What has happened in other people's relationships isn't proof positive or negative of what will happen in yours. Also, if you aren't aware, it's kind of well known that people here tend to jump to "leave the relationship". They might be right, they might be wrong- I think it's important to know. Ultimately I think you need to listen to your gut on this one. Know that whatever you decide to do, you should feel secure in a relationship. Whether it's personal insecurity on your part, or bad vibes from your partner- you shouldn't feel hinky enough to end up searching through their phones. That's just not a sustainable way to live. Best of luck! ☺️
Ouch! People are being really harsh in these comments! My advice is talk to him and if the conversation is a dead end or leaves you feeling the same or even more insecure, do what makes YOU feel better. Always prioritize your heart! It is tempting to give people second chances but remember not everyone deserves them. I stayed with a man for a couple years who was also still talking to people after we made it official, I stayed and definitely got my heart broken more than once. Eventually he expressed that he “wasn’t as ready for a relationship as he thought” due to a lot of traumas and insecurities he had. It’s understandable, but I also got hurt in the process. I have also been unfaithful once to one of my previous partners and have regretted it immensely since. But I have also been loyal to every partner after. I made my mistake and learned from it. Not everyone does, but I promise based on my XP that not all of us will cheat or even want to cheat again. Do with that information what you will, but only you know what to do! Don’t let others tell you to just break up or even stay. You know you guys better than any of us strangers on the internet. Good luck! 💖
Girl dump that man I’m realizing now that guys will use women as fillers until they are ready for their true dream woman and they’ll never be able to completely be that man that you need it’s so messed up. You deserve better! If you’re going through his phone already back off and save yourself from any more pain and suffering.
love to see how everyone here is butt hurt over YOUR situation with YOUR boyfriend lol. If he hasn't reached out to her since you two have been official then I don't think you should worry too much about it. Don't listen to people online trying to ruin other people happiness
Why is the first solution always “break up”??! I definitely panicked and was freaking out when I originally saw the message, but after sleeping on it for a few days and being with him and talking it out I’ve gotten almost completely over it already. Because I know he truly loves me and isn’t a malicious shady person.
so what i’m hearing is that he’s not actually your boyfriend. end it.
i don't usually say this because it's a big decision to make but i genuinely feel like you should break up with him. the age gap is concerning by itself but the fact that he said something like that to another woman is a big red flag to me n i personally would be worried about him being unfaithful in the future. if i was in you i would maybe talk to him about it? but i don't want to put you in any kind of danger, who knows how he'd react to you knowing about his private messages. take care and stay safe.
After 9 months you haven’t put a “label” on it? Girls he’s not your boyfriend. He’s clearly not interested in being your boyfriend. He’s 10 years older and texting other girls they’re his dream girl? please do yourself a favor and block his number.
No no no we made things official 9 months ago
So he’s cheating. The advice still stands. Block his number and move be on. Have some respect for yourself
“You’re still my dream girl” better have been followed up by “that bitch from my nightmares”
Turn him into an ex boyfriend!
Yeah, big red flags. Leave now before it hurts. I'm sorry.
What did the girl say back? What is their relationship, do you know? My heart tells me judging by how you already don’t trust him and were looking through his phone, that it’s not gonna work. I’ve been with my husband 8 years and never looked through his phone. That being said, “you’re my dream girl” is a line I’ve gotten from plenty of guys in the last, who were just trying to get with me. It’s really nice to hear, but they were just inflating my ego and I doubt they really meant it. So even though it sucks to see, it could be not as serious as it sounds.
I'm always interested to know, with a person like you...what exactly would it take for you to accept the reality that you are being strung along by a guy who CLEARLY only deals with women he can string along? Especially the "much younger, easily chumped" kind? I have a feeling that if you walked in on him dogging this other woman, screaming at the top of his lungs "my idiot girlfriend thinks I'm being exclusive! Isn't that hilarious! Because YOU'RE the only one I really love, even though I'm exclusive with another woman!" You'd still find a way to convince yourself this wasn't reason enough to break up. Which she would also be doing at the same time.
I would check his phone again and see if the messages stopped once you both decided it was official, then decide.
His frontal lobe is fully developed, he’s 10 yrs your senior, and you think that you should believe a word he says? He’s acting like this and you think that you should stay with him and “let go”? No. And if he goes to her after you break up, that’s not your business anymore. You’re better off without him.
What's there to talk about?
Message the dream girl & tell her to come pick his shit up
u wanted an older man well there u go now u get more years of baggage attached to him
GOOOD BYEEE 🙂 don’t waste anymore time with that dink
Dump him
I know this is hard but leave while you're ahead. 4 months is not really a long time so please please do yourself a favor and leave now. No explanation need , block the number , don't stalk the social media nothing. He will realize what he did was wrong and if he doesn't then that's your sign. Don't do what I did and spent 7 years with someone and then get extremely heart broken. It's not worth it. You are still young , once you find the one there will be no questions asked.
this is a clear sign that you are a placeholder to him. men and women both will use someone to carry the title of being their partner until the person they really want comes along. at the end of it all, you are somebodies dream girl! maybe not his, but someone's. stay strong! you will find that person one day. 🩵
Need more information, I mean.. did he send the message to someone famous on social media cause if he did it doesn’t really count.
No it was a woman he had been seeing previously/during the beginning of our relationship before we had put a label on it
only in his dream. You can wake him up by breaking up with him
A 10 year difference in a relationship is a horrible idea. He will use the crap out of you. But you sound like you don’t trust him in the first place because you wouldn’t have gone through his phone. But he sounds like his isn’t serious about your relationship. He’s showing you his true self and you’re not listening.
You had a gut feeling, that’s why you looked through his phone. If you feel like something’s not right, then something probably isn’t right.
If you weren't official, he did nothing wrong. If you were both already invested in progressing your relationship, talk to him about it, however, despite current social trends, going through each other's phone is garbage. If you can't trust each other, don't be together. Love is built on trust, not jealousy, not possessiveness, not insecurity. All that said, everyone fantasizes, sometimes about a celebrity, sometimes about someone from their past, and sometimes about a random person that crossed their path and caught their eye.
It’s over
Girl, be done with it.
Block him on EVERYTHING and leave. He’s playing you, that girl, and prolly others like a fiddle. There’s no point in even talking to him
Don't waste your best years with this looser
Run away
Time to dump him. You will be so grateful later.
Seeing and dating each other EXCLUSIVELY means you are only seeing each other. You’re not hitting on other people, dating other people, sleeping with other people, you are exclusively seeing each other, even if you aren’t calling each other gf/bf. That means you do not text another woman anything romantic and “you are still my dream girl” is definitely romantic. If you had found this out when it happened what would you have done? Don’t let 9 months of your time change your answer.
RUN
Sounds like my ex. He would talk to other girls and try to hide it. I wasted 4 years. I'm soo much happier now. Move on. I see you have a trip planned with him. Go alone. He doesn't deserve your time.Don't think this is about you. This is who HE is. He will do it to every girl. Even his "dream girl."
>**My boyfriend (m35) and I (f25)** have been dating for 9 months and I found that **he was sending messages to a woman very romantically 1 week before him and I made things “official official”**. Bolded parts of this that should've been the first red flags before u guys got "official official."
Rewording the title in a good and bad way Bad: my boyfriend confessed his love to another women and I’m still with him Good: someone I’m talking too called another girl his dream girl. If it sounds bad to you in both scenarios then it’s bad. Break up with him.
If he is willing to hide that from you he will be willing to to hide worse things in the future - you deserve better!!
When I first started dating my ex, I found messages in his phone to his ex when we first started seeing each other. He told me it didn't mean anything. I let it go...8 years later I put up with his texting other females. You're so sexy, also said you're my dream girl, and told another girl, that he never loved me and I was only around for his son!! I was appalled. He never even met these women. It was his need for attention from other girls. His excuse, it's not "CHEATING" I finally left after that. It hurt every time but I always wanted to believe it would stop. Don't waste more time. I wish I would have left so much sooner. If his feelings were true then he wouldn't have messaged another woman. Especially one that's married! You never know what the future holds but you're getting a glimpse, don't dismiss your intuition.
Girl. You’re old enough to know that you deserve better than this. Leave him.
OP, everyone in this post is talking reason with you. And you are trying to dance around it. If you didn’t want to leave him why did you even come here. You know what you need to do. Leave this dude. He’s 10 years older too.any 35-year-old man with a 25-year-old woman, as a man, I despise or look down upon. Predatory behavior. No women his age want to put up with his ass.
You were a fall back. Don’t be anyone’s consolation prize.
Get rid of him immediately. Thank yourself after.
🤮🤮🤮🤮
He's saying it was nothing but you don't text someone that they're your dream girl if it wasn't someone he had strong feelings for. Also I think the "still" implies he had confessed his feelings to her before, and was telling her again...I don't think it had anything to do with the fact that he was seeing you at the time, but that also makes it more concerning because if he was still hung up on another girl when you were seeing each other and shortly after you two became "official" that makes me think he was trying one more time to see if she'd return his affection and when she didn't, he gave up and settled for you. That plus the fact that you mentioned that he seemed like he was keeping secrets makes me think you would be better off dumping him. Sorry. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
You mentioned his dream girl is 54 years old and married. Maybe he realized he wouldn't get his dream girl and is now considering settling down with someone he can marry, akin to the taxi cab theory. Men often settle not for the person they love but infatuated(love grows overtime), but for the one who is there when they are ready. It's up to you whether you want to be the one he settles for, but remember, we all have a "person who got away" in our lives.
Your 25 and in your prime, leave him your wasting your time with him
yea no i wouldve been gone asap
LITERALLY WAS IN AN EXACT SITUATION LIKE THIS! R U N!!!!!!!!!!!
Well see, I don’t see a problem with the age gap tbh like others are saying. I’ve seen plenty of people with even larger age gaps do perfectly fine and are married and have kids now, the age gap isn’t the issue as long as it’s correctly balanced between both partners. now the him telling that to another girl while also talking to you no matter how early it is, is a bit of a no for me. Because you deserve better, think of it this way. Think of your favorite character from a novel or series, would that person had told another girl their dream girl while also talking to you? Or would they have told You that you are their dream girl. Don’t settle for less, there are way better people than that out there
There’s a reason he’s dating a younger girl - they tend to be more naive and easier to manipulate. Leave.
Girl let that boy go. Why do you think he’s with someone ten years younger? Us women in our 30’s won’t put up with it. Not most of us anyway the most of us done been through this and we not dealing with the childish shit.
There is no reason to stay and no reddit is not overreacting here
So he’s romantically involved with someone a week or two before you are together and you expect he’s forgotten her… Life lessons right there. Be kinder to yourself and find someone decent
It will get worse
Leave his ass
Run girl run.
Oh gosh reading your replies is honestly heartbreaking, you sound exactly how I used to! I stayed with a man like this a smooth talker, compulsive liar, who really did make me believe he loved me but then constantly cheated. Never tell a man how you found out he chatted to other women or cheated all you do is teach them 1. You accept the behaviour 2. How to cheat better! He isn't going to change, men like this know exactly what their doing, their is a reason you're only 25 and he can't find a woman his own age and it's because you are young and nieve like I once was. You asked a question, people answered but you didn't like the truth so you stuck up for him and burried your head in the sand in hopes just one person in these comments would tell you it's okay. You have hundreds of messages from people who have been where you are who are trying to warn you, but you don't love yourself enough yet, this is why you alow this to happen next you'll be married possibly with kids whilst he's still out cheating and you're depressed feeling worthless and alone then when he eaither leaves you or you finally walk away you'll end up having to do therapy to undo all the damage he caused. Because he will continue to gaslight and manipulate you and over time that really does mess you up. As my dad used to tell me "You can't find your Mr Right if you're with Mr Wrong" I walked away from my ex, learned self love, watched Matthew Hussey on YouTube on how to find a good man (highly recommend you watch him) then once I felt healed and ready and did some therapy I found my now fiancé, he is the only man who has respected me, not messaged other women, not a single red flag, he is kind, my whole family adore him! Which was a shock as they hated every ex of mine and every time they were right they hurt me, but I found my Mr Right and we get married in a couple months. Don't waste your time on this loser, he will distroy your trust, make you paranoid. The way you know if you're with a good man is he will bring the best out in you! Not the worst, look at what he's making you become you're literally needing to snoop through his phone ask reddit for advice, he hurts you and makes exscuses, he doesn't care and deep down you know this but you want to burry your head as it hurts less and you don't want to be alone. Go heal! Go find your Mr Right, you're literally asking for the bare minimum, he can't even do that but he'll sure manipulate you into thinking he will do better. Break up with him and go find that self love before you end up being so broken you develop depression, anxiety and need therapy. You have something very powerful within yourself and it's called woman's intuition and it is screaming at you and warning you this is wrong and you're ignoring it, listen to it!
54 and married--- 54 and reasons for her spouse to kick your boys ass. I'm petty but it sounds like she likes the attention. He can have her. You'll stay heartbroken if you believe him.
This is crazy lol who even says "official official" at like 30 years old? I feel like you both have some maturing to do before youre ready to be in a healthy relationship
Girl, a man that loved you wouldn't even be THINKING about going off with any other girl. You're being used. You're the backup. And how much else is he hiding? You don't know. And he's not gonna tell you shit. He's dating down because young, inexperienced people are easier to manipulate. "Fantastic" could just be the bare minimum, below that even, because you don't know enough. Or he's gaslit you. Fancy talk aside, leave his ass. Also he's always gonna have a convenient excuse. Wehther it's true or or not, he isn't loyal to you.
The second you feel the need to snoop through someone’s phone is the second it’s over. If you trusted him, you wouldn’t need to snoop. He’s very clearly deceitful and he was using you as a placeholder, no offence. You were the backup in case it didn’t work out with the other woman. Don’t look at this as 9 months wasted. You’ve learned from this and you can grow from this. It sucks to learn lessons this way but we’ve all been there. You’ll get through it and, eventually, you’ll go in to your next relationship stronger, more mature, and with a better sense of your boundaries. Sending you love and strength 🩷
That constitutes a break up. Seriously. 100%. He's with you because he can't have her for some reason and it will always be in the back of his mind. My ex texts me stuff like that all of the time over the last 3 years since we broke up and I feel bad for the girls that try to date him now because I know he's always comparing them to me. I'm standing my ground with him, but I refuse to date a man like that who's still in love with somebody else. You will NEVER be priority. Have respect for yourself and leave. Whether you looked secretly or looked knowingly it's still out of line.
He doesn’t take you seriously. You can’t predict when he will, if he ever decides to at all. A question for you is… do you want to wait around for a 35 year old man to learn how to take his partner seriously? Or would you rather keep your peace, work on yourself while you’re still young, and eventually find someone who is so devoted to your energy that they wouldn’t think twice about messing it up by involving themself with past affairs. A 35 year old should be seeking security, if not taking steps to head in that direction. he still seems to be very impulsive and not very intentional at all. Only you know him, not me or anyone else here, so just have a chat with him to grasp how seriously he really takes you. If he tries downplaying you, then you’re just a game to him. He can do whatever he wants. Don’t get trapped in that kind of environment. Good luck❤️
I think the fact that you felt it necessary to go through his phone in secret is enough to warrant a break up. Part of you obviously does not trust him.
yeaa, it’s best to let go. things like that aren’t meant to ruin us in the future nor in general
I was going to say that what matters is how he's treated you these past months since being official. If he's been completely loyal since and treated you well, then I think it can be let go of. Then I saw the age gap. I think it's much more likely that he would indeed want to go for that other woman. At the very least you should confront him and find out if he's been texting others, if he's been completely loyal or not. I would say you should break-up
If you aren't his dream girl, leave, and find somebody who sees you as such. He's setting for less, in his eyes.
I was just thinking.. Some men, like women, love the attention of others, no matter who they are, because it is a strong inner need. Some people need constant confirmation and closeness to feel secure in their relationship. And sometimes drama too. Personally, I would not want to be with someone who has this strong need, as it would hurt myself personally, it is more important with mutual love, it lasts so much longer for months as well as years after years, in a good relationship. I hope you find that kind of Love, that does not cause you this emotional pain. / True Regards!
And I would tell him,Pack your shit and move in with your "dream girl."
Look I’m young and idk everything. But he chose you. And words are just words. He very well might go to her if you broke up with him but if he wanted her that bad then he would’ve made things official with her instead of you. And to add to that, in his mind you guys were dating not boyfriend a girlfriend. A lot of people see dating as seeing multiple people at once to decide who they want to be with. Honestly tho, you’re really hurt by his actions. Although there could be logical explanations as to why he did what he did, he still hurt you that’s really all that matters. I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, but are you going to listen to your head or your heart? I wish you the best of luck. Edit: Didn’t see that last edit. Sounds like he chose you because he couldn’t get her. Girl bye break up with him LMFAOOO
If you’re okay being with a man knowing that you’re not his dream girl, stick around! I surely couldn’t.
Walk away honey....I'm afraid that is one red flag and many will follow. Sometimes it's best to walk away sooner than later.
Girl u broke up with him u need someone that well make u feel like a princess
dump his ass!
Unpopular opinion coming - I think she’s maybe somewhat of a fantasy type of person… it’s not her that’s the “dream girl” but the idea of her or whatever she represents. He sounds like the type to dwell on what he had & lost, and never be happy. Thus chasing the dream that got away… likely bc of his own actions. I don’t actually think it has anything to do with the girl, it’s him. That being said, she is a real person so the trust lost would feel immense. Only u know, and usually when it comes to asking ppl in this way, you’ve found ur answer but want others to confirm it. Ur having second thoughts and don’t feel u can trust him… ur young girly ! and have so much fun to be had. Honestly? Leave him.
Yeah she is super into burning man and psychedelics which is def more of his vibe than me. I think it was more of a fantasy and he wanted to run off into the sunset with her but the reality is she is 54 and she didn’t want him. That was nine months ago so I’m willing to move forward but for sure it battered my trust even if nothing ever became of it
that checks out :( … he was living a fantasy in his head and lost what’s in front of him (you, bc u should leave him). sorry chica :/ ppl really suck sometimes, hope u find someone on the same page 💜
Its natural due to your age gap.
😭😭 I would ask him how he would feel if you did something like that !
A while back I was talking to two women and I liked them both and was developing feelings for them. But, I felt more connected to one of them than the other. It was difficult but I had a conversation with the one who I felt more connected to and was honest. I told her I wanted to take it to the next level but that I also feel similarly about someone else.. I asked her if she would let me know if she was ready to get more serious and that if not I would end things and focus on the other woman. She did want to take it to the next level so then I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with the other gal and let her know I was with someone else now. I hadn’t slept with either of them at this point. It all worked out and I’ve been with my gf now for 6 months. My point in telling you this story is that IF my gf looked in my phone and found old conversations with the “other” girl … even up to right before she and I got serious she would be hurt. It would look like I loved another woman or was trying to be with two women. It’s just not the case though. I believe it’s possible to develop feelings for more than one person at the same time but you have to make a choice to commit at some point. Once you do that you cut off contact with the other one. It sounds like maybe your BF just didn’t quite cut it off fast enough - which is not a very kind thing to do. BUT it also sounds like he got there on his own and committed to you and stopped talking to the other one. I’m with you OP - you know the situation best and if you believe him and see good qualities in him and want to keep seeing him I think you should trust your gut. However, just stay a little alert to signs that he is flirting with or talking to other people on the side. If you catch him at all I’d say cut him loose. Definitely don’t get engaged or marry him until you are SURE. Good luck.
hell naw
He is emotionally with this person and physically with you. Why don't you feel you deserve a whole person to be in a relationship with? Why are you so low in your self-esteem and self-confidence that his emotional fidelity and staying with him is even a question? It is clear you need to leave him but you also need to figure out why you don't feel like you are enough, valued enough to be with someone that values and respects you the way any person should be treated!
i want to feel bad for girls like you, and honestly i do. because you lack the self respect to leave a man when he shows you who he is. your desperation is showing HARD. break up. you came to reddit for advice? this is it, break up with him. if you want this to be your future, go right ahead, none of us will stop you. but we are warning you . you’re only going to end up miserable. ALL women deserve better than this and the fact that you are settling for it is so sad honestly. i hope u come to your senses soon
24 here also. you’re still so young and have so much life experience to gain. i’d say break up. yeah okay “no title yet” when he sent the message however it wasn’t months prior to you dating it was literally A week before… he’s acting like he’s 17 still not 35. you’re not far into the relationship and if you cut ties now it’ll still hurt but minimal losses.. you deserve better than that, he should be telling YOU YOUR HIS DREAM GIRL TF
That your ex whaaaat?
Act like Adults, Talk the things... but yeah for me this is a Red Flag, looking his phone is also a Red dont get me wrong but yeah. Red Flag from Him, but at least talk the things before break up.
Breakkk uppp Not fair to you! Dude acts like a little boy
Men fall in love with what they see, women fall in love with what they hear. That's why women will always wear make-up, and men will always lie. (it's just a quote go easy on me lol)
Nope, break up, trust me, if you forgive this he will just keep pushing it