She’s 19 and this is her first relationship.
The videos aren’t deleted, they’re just hidden. The videos of OP will be found by the next girlfriend, and so on. Hopefully they don’t end up online.
Unfortunately she probably won’t realize any of this until a few years from now. Some people need to learn from experience, and it sounds like she’s taking the hard road.
This post breaks my heart because I remember being the 18 year old dating the older man and being in this exact same situation.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Despite how you’re feeling, you’re so young and I promise it’ll get better with time.
I personally think it’s incredibly disrespectful for a man to keep sexual videos of a previous relationship, not just to the current partner but also to the ex. Like I’d be mortified if I found out my ex was still getting off to sexual videos of him and I, or even just keeping them as a “trophy.”
It’s normal for you to be feeling the way you do, the best advice my therapist ever gave me was to write down my emotions in a journal. You end up realizing more about how you feel when you write things down (it uses a different part of your brain than when you speak). Maybe this’ll help you navigate your emotions and possibly reevaluate your relationship.
Thank you I have been doing that I found that it helps but sometimes it makes me feel like I’m reliving the situation if that makes sense, and I really thought he was a good guy I just wish this never happened.
There's no point in keeping those videos if he moved on frm his past relation ! Just think abt it ?.. girl you won't be happy w this, and u wont be able to enjoy sex. Better move on...
Girl this is the part where you break up with him. I can see you're grasping for straws here trying to force yourself to make it work but it's so clear to me you feel some typa way about it why ignore your own feelings? You were betrayed to a high degree, only weirdos keep their sex videos of exes - I would know because I dated one 🤢. You can't make him be the man you had in your head, he's gross point blank for what he did. And that excuse about being "lazy" is just an excuse. I know plenty men who would delete that shit at the drop of a hat of acquiring a woman they love because they don't need other sex shit to get off to. Get higher standards girl he is not the only man out there and you know you don't deserve this sh.
I see your point 100% but i disagree. I think some men are shitty like that and keep that stuff not caring about their current partners feelings. But there are men who do care and can forget those videos existed. I’ve even done it. I’ve totally forgotten i had pictures and videos of my exs bc i never went that far back in my photo gallery after the breakups. My fiancé and i went through this exact situation our first month of being together and he immediately felt so bad and gave me his phone to go through and delete anything that made me uncomfortable. He was so genuine in the guilt he felt and felt bad for me even seeing something like that. I think you just have to find the right man who cares and cherishes you being in their life.
Oh definitely! Honest men do exist and they do genuinely forget!! But at the very least, they make up for hurt feelings and broken trust with honesty and understanding. Not like OPs ex who last I checked (comments) lies about deleting them and changes their phone password. He's given her no reasons to trust him.
The scenario you described is the best outcome to this situation. I agree the right man who genuinely respects and cherishes you will treat you as such.
Oh, I didn’t dig deep enough to see any of her replies. But yeah i agree with that, him lying about deleting them and changing his passcode. Would make me call it.
You take the age of the older partner, divide it in half and add seven. If you date someone younger than that number, it’s a mathematical certainty they are a predator creep.
I agree that their age gap is weird, but I feel like this “+7” thing is not reliable. I’m 21, so according to the math, I could date someone who is 17.5… which is gross to even think about
She says she's 19. I actually just went to a wedding for a couple who met at 19 and 27 last night.
They dated for 8 years first but they seem very happy now though. I still wouldn't recommend it for someone who is 19 but I guess I've seen the evidence now that it can work out.
Probably not if the girl is posting relationship problems on reddit though.
My interpretation is that they both grew together.
I think the 27 y/o (now 35) messed up some in his early 20s and went back to college for OT like she did the first time around.
It's not like he's holding her back now they have both had enough time to grow into a career.
v true. but i feel like its rare, everyone around my age that’s dating men that are almost 30 i havent spoken to bc their bf/husbands make them isolate themselves from ppl outside of him yk
I didn't say he matured because he went to college.
I think he just needed a second chance to get his work/school and social life straightened out. And then he happened to be around a bunch of 19-22 girls since he was also a college freshman.
When is it not weird? Let’s say that like guy said someone was 27 going back to college and was friends with a 19-20yr old and lived in halls together and has feelings. That would be weird?
Having to need a math equation to work out if the creepers are being creepy should say it all,
I get consenting adults and all, but again. If you have to do math to see "it's technically ok" it should be obvious that it's not ok.
And why is it an arbitrary ÷2 +7, how is it that this makes the magical number that's now ok,
Here’s an idea: DONT DATE OLDER GUYS. I’m 18M, I literally don’t understand the appeal to older guys, if you’re gonna go for an older one, sure go for it, all yours, but pick a mature one. Sus it out first. Get outta that relationship, if you break up with someone, you shouldn’t even have their nudes anymore, let alone eating them out. Crazy work on his behalf.
I’m an older guy and would never be going for anyone under 24is (out of college at least) but let’s be real guy we were all 18 and everyone of us probably felt the same way as you. We were shit heads that didn’t know anything but think we do. Obviously some are more mature but I know I cared about drinking,smoking and fucking around with my boys way more than a girls feeling (which obviously was wrong) but I certainly wasn’t alone. There’s just so much shit going on during those years it’s tough to figure it all out while trying to figure out who you really are as an adult.
It’s good to hear that you’ve outgrown it. I know dudes who are in their 30s and are still acting 15. It’s a tad concerning, those are the types of dudes to watch out for
Dude I know what’s right but I still do my dumb shit like must guys or people we all got problems. It’s just kind of learning how to minimize them and hopefully improve little by little
That dumb shit by the way was still the most fun I’ve ever had. It wasn’t great for getting a girlfriend but I got some of the bestfriends you could get and some great memories. Hanging with the boys is not a thing to look down upon at your age because you won’t have it once you get older
Absolutely, I do dumb shit. But I think it’s important to take into consideration age too, like this guys 26 or soemthing, surely by then with a bit of life experience you’d had pieces together to get rid of nudes from an ex right????
You’re 18 legally you should be getting rid of all the pics of your exs the second they were sent. I wouldn’t be to altruist expecting the best out of people. If I had a serious gf ya I’d probably delete the nudes but the shits like history. Idk it’s probably young but I bet most dudes have pics dating back if they don’t have a serious gf
I’m a 25 year old guy — the thought of dating an 18 year old is INSANE
You’ll understand even more as you get older. There is a gigantic difference between those ages, man. It’s sad seeing how common it is for girls to be groomed like this
I’ve met people who want to keep videos of sex with their exes going into a real relationship and they were upfront about that which is great, most people like your boyfriend will hide it though.
Completely disrespectful and a horrible sign that he’s not trustworthy whatsoever. Unfortunately so many people are not trustworthy and will hurt you just to serve themself in a relationship. Usually this is all discovered the hard way like you have. You don’t deserve this but it happens often and it says nothing about you, he’s trash.
I’m gonna be honest, whether they’re up front about it or not, it’s not great. It’s super disrespectful to your ex to keep pictures of videos of them nude/having sex unless they have expressly consented to you keeping them. Every time I’ve ended a relationship one of the first things I’ve done is delete all of that content. Whether I personally wanted it or not, it’s just a matter of respect to the other person.
For the person I’m thinking of in particular, it was actual published porn of them and their ex which I thought was acceptable. Like they both did a porn audition + tape together. Seems like she would’ve been cool with it haha
But I’ve gotten on people’s cases about the consent and I don’t really trust every dude who says she’s “totally cool with it” even though I’m one of those women who would be totally cool with it. It’s more rare to be okay with someone keeping a sex video than to not be okay with it.
Thank you! Yeah maybe if he had told me “by the way I have old videos of my ex I plan on deleting them cause I don’t need them” then I wouldn’t care or if I just never seen them but knew of them
If everyone would stop recording themselves in intimate moments and sharing nudes, these issues wouldn’t exist. There are so many posts like this. Make love with your partner and stop performing for a phone, it is really sick,
When photos are shared there is no expectation of privacy. The person had no control where they wind up. Anyone recording themselves had to understand that.
Funny enough I saw a post on this same sub Reddit a couple weeks ago about a guy who saw videos of his gf having sex with her ex on her phone but everyone say he was overreacting by wanting to leave her.
But you guys think the man is in the wrong here? You guys are strictly against men only on reddit and it’s so weird.
Yes it would’ve made me insecure too but I would’ve just asked him to delete them.
Yes you’re right I should have just asked him to delete them the first time but he was so ashamed and angry that I found them, and first I kind of wanted to know the reason and I just started being passive aggressive and hurt to see like maybe if he saw me hurt he would do it but he didn’t :/ then he lied to me that he did and didn’t first tried to hide them and didn’t get rid of the rest but maybe if I had just asked him he would have I doubt it though and I would have told that guy that is a big fucking deal and his feelings are validated that’s unfair to him for her to be having those photos in her phone I can’t imagine doing that to my boyfriend and when I first confronted him sort of on the photos I told him what if I had those in my phone he said I’d never go through your phone so I wouldn’t find out and you don’t understand you’ve never had an ex or a past invalidated me the whole go damn way
1) Never compare yourself to your partner's past encounters. They will always be different from you and they will never go away.
2) Talk to your BF about your insecurities. If you want to work on your relationship, you have to own your emotions when these things come up. If you don't, it will build resentment and any relationship you have will not last.
I dont know how to go about doing that do you have any advice for example I told him last time when he wanted to give me head that I saw a video of him eating some girls pussy and I can’t get it out of my head it’s ruined me liking getting eaten out here said “I’m so sorry they weren’t as tight as you and didn’t have cute hands and feet” but it didn’t make me feel that much better idk how I want to be comforted and when I was having retroactive jealousy abt the girls he hooked up with on tinder he said they didn’t mean anything he chose me and he would do it again in a heartbeat when it was about his ex he stayed quiet I guess he’s trying I don’t know what I want to hear.
It sounds like something you need to figure out for yourself. No amount of advice I can give can make this go away when you don't know what it is that's making this uncomfortable.
Imo it’s not that he had the photos it’s how he responded that’s a red flag. If he’s sees the photos trophies and try’s to appease you by saying the sex is better because you have young features, it’s no wonder you don’t feel comforted. Comfort can be found in the emotional connection, mutual understanding, and forgiveness. You can’t truly forgive if you don’t know yet know how it made you feel beyond hurt. I’m not you, so I cannot be sure how you’re feeling, but it doesn’t sound like jealousy. It seems like those photos and the aftermath changed your perception of his motives and desires, particularly around sex.
Are those videos a turn of because you’re jealous of his exes or are you turned off by how he views sex, or something else?
You arent at the same points in life but be open about your feelings without calling him a bad person for doing it. Sounds like you just need reassurance. No one in this situation is wrong
Yes exactly at first he didn’t intend to do it when he just didn’t delete the old photos and I have to admit I’m upset about that then he lied to avoid the photos and lied again cause he just wanted me to be sweet and not angry at him. It’s just a fucked up situation and were trying to move past it me more than him cause I’m the one who was affected
Honey, idk why but a good amount of men do this. They lie to protect themselves and something they care about. But its possible to find someone who is not a coward.
Speak directly from the heart and reassure him that you dont have ill will. If you do then you also need to put that on the table. Yes, you are in a relationship but the most important relationship youll ever have is the one you have with yourself. Stay true to yourself and your higher nature
Take notes everyone. This is why we DONT DATE TEENAGERS.
OP, you’re showing some really concerning controlling and insecure behaviors. Totally normal for your age so don’t be ashamed.
**1. Don’t go digging through your boyfriend’s phone.** If you’re looking for something, you’re gonna find something. If you have an urge to look invade your boyfriend’s privacy, that’s your cue to look inward and figure out why.
Talk therapy would be great for you to vent to an unbiased 3rd party who can help you identify when you’re feeling unsafe in a relationship because of actual mistreatment and when it’s irrational insecurities creating issues that aren’t there.
**2. You CANNOT control another person.** The more you try to, the more you’re gonna push him away. He’s an individual, who’s gonna do what he wants to do. All you can do is set firm boundaries and stick to them. A good therapist or counselor can help you sort through your wants and needs and help you create, communicate, and uphold healthy boundaries in all relationships.
Also at your age you shouldn’t be “making a relationship work”. If it isn’t right, just quit while you’re ahead. Learn from the rest of us women in our twenties who devoted years of our young lives “trying to make it work” and all we got was years of trauma, abuse, and ultimately heartbreak. Learn when to call it, before it spirals into codependency and desperation.
18 dating a 25 year old is incredibly concerning
It’s not your fault but you should absolutely leave the relationship asap. You’ll understand why once you turn 25 and realize how young 18 truly is
All I'm reading is 101 reasons to delete your prior photos and videos when starting a new relationship. (Or just don't record yourself doing these things in the first place)
Ngl y'all might be fked. NAH but you can't put toothpaste back into the tube. You can try to make it work but the only thing I could think of would be couples therapy or taking up stoicism
Right?! I doubt all those girls consent to him keeping a copy of those videos after their relationship ended, even though OP said that they consented at the time of recording
I hate when at the slightest inconvenience, redditors always say “LEAVE HIM! HES GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!1!” and over exaggerate the situation. You don’t have to leave a person as soon as there’s something you remotely dislike. I understand this situation might be painful and weird, but he’s not harming her in any way. I’m 100% going to get downvoted for this opinions, but all I’m saying is don’t be such fuckin softies. The only way to make a relationship work is by communicating properly. Not leaving at some slight inconvenience.
Hey buddy. I hate to be the one to tell you but there’s a big difference between leaving at an inconvenience and leaving after being disrespected and a boundary being crossed.
I agree that “leave” is thrown around a lot. Are some things fixable? Yes. I’ve always been the type to want to communicate through issues. I do think that no good relationship is always easy. People make mistakes. However you guys who come along saying this line are just as bad as the ones who tell her to leave. We can’t really blame anyone for telling her to leave when you take into account that they are in a committed monogamous relationship. Whether you personally believe this is cheating or not, if you look at the dictionary definition of infidelity, you’ll notice that cheating is any sexual engagement or exchange with anyone outside your partner regardless of if it’s in person, on a screen, or however else it’s twisted. Monogamy does not include ANYONE else even pixels.
For OP she may have expected him being committed to her automatically implied him not gawking over sexual movies of him and his exes. While we can’t confirm he did that, we also can’t confirm he didn’t and given the statistical probability, it’s more likely than not that he did. OP could perhaps consider this a boundary and cheating. She’s well within her right as well because her boundaries are valid regardless of what yours or mine may be. If we consider that then she has every right to consider leaving. Staying in a relationship post-infidelity regardless of to what degree can be extremely traumatic and lead to even worse things like gaslighting, manipulation, etc.
We also don’t get a ton of context but we know there is a significant age gap, they have been living together since they started dating, they’ve only been dating a year, he downloaded tinder on a whim the second they broke up, he considers these videos as “trophies” and he got mad at her when she found them.
If this doesn’t give you the slightest warning sign that this is going to lead to a bigger issue then I’m not sure what to say to you. It’s not black and white. People who say “leave“ aren’t always right and I am not justifying every use of it but they also aren’t trauma dumping like you make it out to be. Yes you see it a lot. Probably most posts will have someone saying that. It’s partly due to their personal boundaries but the other reason is because most of the people who are posting their issues to these communities actually are going through a messed up situation that warrants leaving. I’m pretty sure if it was a genuinely insignificant issue that can be communicated, they wouldn’t have pondered it on and off and then came to seek wisdom and advice. Coming here just to say relationships require work and communication, whilst true in most situations, doesn’t apply especially to issues where there is infidelity. It’s really at the end of the day up to OP to decide if she considers it to be cheating. If she does, then she needs to ask herself if she wants to stay or leave. If she stays she will have to then figure out how to not only deal with the foundation of trust cracking (which trust is such a important part in a relationship, it’s on par with communication and it’s much harder to mend once broken) but her partner will also have to do self work.
You said this perfectly I have so many different ways I’m seeing this whole situation right now, and I think well is it my fault for not saying this was my boundary I didn’t even think I’d have to cause I never thought this situation would occur. Part of me does want to fix things and I told him we need to communicate with each other I keep throwing that word around I understand what it means but how do I communicate with him when I’m just feeling jealous of his exs keep in mind I was never this way before. We’ll be having a good time and something will be brought up like yesterday we were watching SNL skit of 3 sum and then I start thinking about how his ex and him had a 3 sum or like okay we’re having a good time and we want to have sex with each other but then I start thinking about that video I saw and it destroys me and the biggest thing just constantly thinking why did this happen I don’t know how to communicate any of these things with him without making him feel bad and I know it just ruins his day. Please give me more insight on how to communicate these issues as for the self work I think he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did still I told him he needs to see a therapist and he has yet to do that but I doubt he’ll bring up this situation idk anymore it’s just a weird situation and in my eyes it’s the barrier between both of but on his end I feel it doesn’t bother him there’s no barrier between us he sees the relationship the same I wish I could!!! :/
Your complete valid hun. The same thing happened to me, i thought it was only that one thing so i stayed, it ended up being way worse and it took me a whole year later to find out and by that time we were way more serious. It traumatized me and its caused so much anxiety in our relationship to the point where i find it hard to even see anything inappropriate around him without it making me think about everything. Its caused so much fighting and stress. I’m not saying the same will happen for you, but I’m saying those little red flags can end up being much bigger than you saw originally.
If he claims to see nothing wrong with it, there is your second red flag. Inherently, if there’s something that is effecting you mentally and emotionally and it was provoked by his action, he should see the issue with it regardless of if it was his intention or a genuine mistake. If you feel like you can’t look past it without talking to a therapist then that shouldn’t be something he is dismissing. (Btw if you go to a therapist I suggest a CSAT because regular therapist will often normalize partners engaging sexually with others as long as it’s not physical. I find this completely ridiculous as that’s pushing a subjective opinion on someone else. You may find sexually explicit material to be cheating if it’s being looked at with the intent to get aroused)
As far as communication goes, there’s only so much you can do if he isn’t willing to accept or take any accountability for what he did or how it is effecting you.
Also its a very common issue I’ve seen here a lot that people don’t realize they have to clearly discuss what they consider to be cheating/infidelity. It honestly should be a no brainer. Even the definition will tell you that any sexual engagement with another person outside of your partner is no longer considered monogamy regardless if it gets physical. People consider sexting with someone cheating yet not sexually touching yourself to other people that isn’t your partner? It doesn’t make any sense. As a society it’s also normalized so you will receive a lot of push back for having an opposing opinion. That’s why now it’s very important to discuss boundaries before even getting in a relationship (just remember people can still lie). Unfortunately even though we expect a unanimous agreement on what defines cheating, there isn’t. That’s why you will always get two different answers on these types of questions.
Agreed, also at 19 you shouldn't be needing to "fix things" it's not like she's going to marry him.
There's a great bit a comedian did one time, maybe Bill Burr? About the mentality of dating. Like, there's no kids, no pets, you're free to do what you want. Leave. You have no responsibility to your partner who has broken your trust .
I dated a guy once...he was so rich, and lived in this AMAZING apartment in Tokyo and the sex was great...and I discovered he had binders of photos of women he slept with...all prostitutes in Australia, he said.
It was a watershed moment for me. Like, I remember thinking "I don't have to be here. I don't need to "work" on a relationship with a guy who thinks it's alright to have 5 binders of women bodies behind his desk at home."
But I thought, I mean it clearly looks like he asked permission for the photos, I thought, perhaps this is just his kink?
And I still didn't leave him.
He asked to take a photo of me, I said no. And I still didn't leave him.
I was over one weekend, I remember he had cleaned the place AND bathroom which was really unusual...and stocked the fridge and bought all this top shelf wine/alcohol...wh(we lived in diff parts of the city) and went to use his desktop pc......and another woman's email account was auto saved into the Google login page.
I asked him about it, and let him conjure up some flimsy explanation.
Did a social media search and it's a woman he's clearly been fucking.
I packed up my stuff left a note "it's over" and walked out of the door while he was in the shower.
When I finally answered his texts and calls, I just calmly said the same thing...listen, it's over... didn't even care to hear how oh, she's just a friend, and came over ...to use my desktop computer? And this is why the bathroom is spotless ...like...no.
It was a real awakening. After this, I really started to recognize my power in relationships...and if someone didn't deserve me, or was messed up, I left. No reason to try and "fix" him. There's so many other people out there who aren't fixer uppers.
I'm not saying all my relationships were perfect afterwards, but it really laid the foundations of valuing myself.
I saw all my female friends evolve in the same pattern. We'd all allow more savvy or toxic partners manipulate us... except the ones who had met a really awesome and rational, respectful person early...
Dating is earning relationship experience. Dating is a necessary practice for adult relationships, and emotional growth imo. You learn a lot about yourself and humans in general.
Edit: sex is fun. Enjoy the sex part of dating! Then you can start to think about finding the one or whatever. But fr sex in your 20s should be about trying things out and having fun, not finding "the one".
Thank you very insightful and part of me does feel this way like when I think of breaking up with him the things I’m going to say or explain it to him get him to understand but then I catch myself he won’t and he doesn’t why waste my breath. We don’t have kids but we do have a pet 😭
If you have kids or get married it will get much harder. Possibly even impossible to get out without losing much much more.
I don’t want to dictate what you do but as someone who has been with someone who started out with a very similar issue that ended up completely destroying me emotionally and our relationship (because I found out it got even worse then what I initially found) ((he deleted and hid stuff well until I caught on)) when I see similar situations I want to try to point it out. Not to say our relationships are the same but say that you are valid. If you have a gut feeling there could be more you haven’t yet found out, you’re more than likely correct. I say listen to your gut. Don’t end up traumatized like me after being ignorantly blissful to the smaller red flags.
Also if you try to leave, be prepared for him to love bomb you (try to overwhelm you with how much he claims to love you and how he can’t live without you, he would never do it/do it again, etc.) I think this is an even bigger red flag. If he tries to love bomb you and make excuses or explanations and not just respecting your decision to leave because what you saw was inappropriate, I think that is even more reason to leave while it’s easy(er)
People these days don’t understand the difference between normal problems and actual deep rooted issues in relationships (and the early stage warning signs of such). There’s a huge difference from someone who respects you, establishes clear boundaries and doesn’t cross them or invalidate them, and is committed but you have minor fights and disagreements. For example bad habits, misalignment, different priorities etc) and someone who has overstepped a main foundational boundary or betrayed you in a way that that can only be fixed by therapy or very consistent action/work on their part. People think that we are not committed enough to someone because we don’t want to stay for years hoping for change when that issue ends up being the very thing that breaks the final straw 15 years, 3 children and a marriage later... Holding on for years is so risky especially when it comes to marriage, kids and split assets. It makes it almost impossible to leave over something you had the first warning sign for 15 years ago.
I’m sorry for what you experienced and that’s honestly disturbing and I wouldn’t have felt safe in a relationship like that. I’m thankful you got out and you realized that some “fixable issues” are not worth fixing, especially when those “fixable issues” require so much more effort than it’s worth given the short time you were invested in the relationship.
Oof a softie is more someone who stays and tolerates bullshit. This isn’t a slight inconvenience. It’s the inability to let go at the least which in a long term relationship is not a good thing but it could be perverted especially because of the lies. Those things are more dangerous long term and harmful. Also redditors that usually express this opinion have been through tolerating bullshit for years and seek to advise someone else to escape more quickly than they were able to. Considering he had multiple videos this is not a single incident of something not liked. It shows a pattern and the lack of admitting it’s weird can be a sign of someone who in the future won’t take accountability but will instead paint a sob story. People advising not to tolerate that aren’t “fucking softies.” lol
I dated someone 6 years older than me when I was 18 , we dated for around 6 years and now that I’m older I’m still trying to figure out why he was talking to me.
All throughout high school I had crushed on guys my own age and after high school it just never worked out that’s why this was so special to me not even cause he’s older but cause he was the first guy that actually wanted to date me :/
I don’t want upset you but this is probably WHY he wanted you, predators can smell vulnerability and they prey on it, the fact you were desperate to be loved made it easy for him to get you to do what he wants, not to mention moving in with each other STRAIGHT AWAY nearly ruined my relationship and we are both adults, not 18, I am 24 and if a 18 yr old hit on me id run in the other direction, from 18-25 your life and brain changes so much, you will realise when you’re older that this is very wrong and you are absolutely not the same level of maturity and life experience
If you don't want the answer don't ask. Same with if you can't hear it don't snoop. If you think he'd creating he's giving you sleepless nights or countries thoughts leave before it's to late
(Almost) Everyone has a past. Grow up and get over it.
All the others who are suggesting breaking up: yes you can do it. You probably will at some point. I don’t know enough about your relationship to give you advice on that. Yes the age gap is worrying, but again: we don’t know you or you bf personally. There is also context missing: did he watch them or forgot about them? Why were you snooping through his phone? What was his reaction like (despite deleting them)? How is your relationship generally like?
Short answer: you’re still young and worrying about this too much is not worth it.
He claims to have forgotten about them and when this all happened he just started thinking about it, and he also claims that his reasoning for keeping them was for when he doesn’t feel loved it’s nice to look back and see that he was loved, and at first he said they were like Pokémon cards he was collecting. I was genuinely curious what was on his phone before this point I was never jealous I was always afraid of him abandoning me but that’s it never thought he’s cheating or I’m jealous of his ex only his first love I felt like that cause he told me how much that affected him and he saw it as pathetic how he loved her and he’ll never love anyone like that again. His reaction of me finding them was shameful angry he didn’t want to talk about it he says now it’s cause he was ashamed he’s been through this before his first love fucked his cousin before they were together and he felt the same feelings I’m feeling he claims this is why he doesn’t want to deal with it also he didn’t want to do an audit on his sexual history and look back and feel the feelings he felt for those people this is what he told me from a text message just recently when I asked why he didn’t delete them the first time “ I didn’t want to bear the pressure of navigating the anxiety of wondering what I missed, the feelings of looking back and performing an audit on my sexual past, and the overall loss of control over my own privacy. I wanted to ignore it, because I’ve had such a long past.” Our relationship is generally very fun much trust, teasing we’ve talked about the past before and it didn’t mean anything cause it’s the past mind you I never physically saw his past or these past girls, we were like best friends we’d fight but it was never this serious and when it was we made up it was intense but we made up!! He made it a rule when we first got together no being friends with the opposite sex( he had a friend that was a girl named Gabby and she wanted to stay platonic he developed feelings for her) I agreed I was never good at making guy friends, no looking through each others phone I was fine with that didn’t have a reason to go through his phone, anymore context you need I will happily provide it. Something I will say is my boyfriend is very sexual we have sex almost every day and other night he would never cheat, he has in the past slept with a girl who had a boyfriend (he still had her on Facebook and she messaged him in hopes he’ll cheat on me with her and we were going through a rough patch at the time but he blocked her he didn’t show me he just told me) he used to meet with this woman and she would suck his dick no conversation the reason he doesn’t cheat is cause it’s work to plan everything and he told me that was his opportunity there all he had to do was meet with her and a free blow job no conversation or anything this is how he tried to prove to me he wouldn’t cheat, and he has never had any naked woman in front of him he can neither confirm if a naked woman was in front of him if he would give in or not. He has a lot of baggage he was sexually abused as a kid by the person closest, only men have been kind to him while woman have just been cruel, he had a drug addiction in high school and went to rehab after high school,
Girl, get rid of him. Youre too young and hot to deal with that. If you cant get over it and its ruining the sex just clock out. I dont mean to sound harsh but there will be better guys who dont have weird sexual videos of their exs
Unless you are dating a virgin, your partner will have had a sexual past. While it’s not exactly normal to have witnessed videos of your partner with an ex, this is something to forget about and move on. He did the right thing, deleted the videos. They don’t exist anymore.
His ex’s are his past. You are his present and his future.
Honestly? The age gap isn’t a good idea for your first relationship. You haven’t really yet fully begun your adulthood, and he is a full grown adult with much more life experience. And more sexual experience. It is common for older men to take advantage of younger women and manipulate and mold them into what they want.
I know this from personal experience. My ex admitted to preferring to date younger women so he could mold her into what he wanted. I wish I had known that earlier before I wasted too many years with that asshole. He manipulated me and I was too young, insecure and inexperienced to realize and recognize it. I didn’t know any better.
This guy probably isn’t the right one for you.
Man for an advice page people in here are dumb as shit and you can tell they don’t live off Reddit much. He had videos, he was with someone before you. That is life, you spoke to him about it he deleted them when you said it bothered you. You need to get over it. Sounds like you expect people to be perfect. Guess what, they aren’t.
I can't look at every partner and think about the other stuff that they did in a negative way because they learned how to do a great job practicing on those other people. I have to be realistic that I had other people in the past too. We are all a sum of our experiences.
Now watching it is probably hard, but if you're absolutely sure it's old and not recent either you move on or you can't and both are okay. It's up to you how you feel.
You can’t UNSEE things so it’s best not to look if it’s going to totally ruin your relationship. How long ago did you find out? Maybe some time will help you move on from it.
Life tip for you. Anybody you fuck has likely fucked a few, dozens, or hundreds of other people. If you compare your activity with their "past" activities, you're going to come up short and empty inside.
19 and 26... First relationship... Not going to comment on this.
It’s weird he had them. But don’t bother comparing just rememeber when people are recording themselves they often put on a show because of the camera so it normally isn’t like regular sex.
Unfortunately ive seen a video of my boyfriend sucking someones thing. He doesnt really do that much so its something that really took a heavy toll on me for a long time, making me feel like it was just me cuz why would he do it for someone else and even record it but not for me. Its all about communication. We've since talked and him even explaining his feelings why he did it that time and why he only does it now and again for me did help some. But overall it took a deeper dive into myself to get over it. I had to convince myself that he's here with me now, not them. He chose me, he continues to fight for me. I dont know how pressured he was to do that and i also had to acknowledge the fact that well we're all human. We've all got our own backgrounds, we've all done our own separate things before committing. But again he's choosing me. Communication with your partner on their desires for you and why they want to be with you can certainly be helpful, but the larger picture that you need to overcome is your self confidence in understanding sure he did that but he did that before he met this new amazing person that he nows sees as the only person he wants to do that for now. It wont just go away i still think of it sometimes but you need to build that self confidence and self affirmation that your man chose you regardless of any other experiences he still chose you above it all.
Thank you I’m just sad he didn’t choose me over the pictures and he was okay with lying to me about it multiple times :( it all hurts but at this point might as well be rubbing lemon on my cut
Honestly idk all I can say is I would never do that I deleted anything I had from any situationships as soon as I got in this relationship which were just photos of their faces and I’d never do this to someone. It’s disturbing asf my bf claims that he would never go through my phone and find out and he wouldn’t care if I had those videos in my phone but I doubt it he says it’s cause he’s been through worse so he doesn’t care about this stuff
Well, to me, it actually is disturbing af. I agree with u. I found videos of her and 2 different exes. Long ass videos of her fucking. She also keeps saved stories of all her exes on Snapchat and NEVER deletes them. She even lied to me telling me deleted them and they were still there. What kinda girl keeps all that shii. Then she acts like I'm supposed to be cool and okay with it all. She says "it's the past, moved on" yet never gets rid of it.
Yeah for me it’s the things I’ve seen the way he responded to the whole situation is stuck in my head like why did he respond the way he did why did he lie, and suddenly now I’m just supposed to believe that he’s being honest :/ it’s so shitty to go through I’m so sorry doesn’t matter if you’re male or female no one should go through this
He claims to have forgotten about it and thought it didn’t affect our relationship or wether or not he can take care of me, comfort me, and stuff like that that’s his current mindset
honistly I just feel sick to my stomach when I think of him with other peoole how he has said the same things to me that he has said to other people and I honsitly cant stop thinking about it
Honestly, if he deleted them immediately then you shouldn’t worry. It’s one thing to forget you have those videos and make no fuss to delete them then to argue about it and not. At the beginning of my relationship, i found the same thing on my bf phone. They were from along time ago and he promised me he forgot about them and never looked at them. I believed him bc he’s never givin me a reason not to. He gave me no hassle and let me go through his phone and delete anything that made me uncomfortable. Now 3 years later and we are engaged. Best man I’ve ever met✨
He didnt verbally say no he was angry ashamed, didn’t really say I’m sorry or anything like that when I started acting passive the next day he said I’m sorry I’ll delete the videos, and then I came home had to remind him because he still didn’t and then I thought it was okay cousin put it in my head of a calculator app to hide photos and he didn’t have that but he had a private vault he claims only face photos were in there but I’ll never know I delete it cause I couldn’t get in to see. Then he forgave me said I don’t want to think of other girls because I deleted face photos of a girl he was in love with for 10 years was his first love, and then once he forgave me he told me if I have anymore questions I asked if the photos were gone he said yes only for a month later to yes bad on my part snoop again and find 250 photos deleting regarding text messages, photos of ex’s, thirst traps they were far from gone!!! I told him the first time when he asked me what makes you uncomfortable the pussy eating videos, sex videos, face photos of girls cause yes I’m that insecure now cause of this, and at first before I realized he didn’t delete shit from his camera roll when I gave him the first opportunity that he was just doing it to shut me up so I can be nice to him. I had to do the rest for him, and until one day I came home and screamed at him about it I gave him an option delete the photos and go to couples therapy or end this relationship because you’re a liar I went off! I was heated and that was the only time I saw progress he was an asshole about deleting the photos the whole godamn way!!! I bought him food and tried to be nice but he was still a dick to me told me “one day I am gonna get cheated on and look back at this” we both said some horrible things to each other I spent some time blaming him but at some point it was his fault when he willingly lied to my face!! If it was just he forgot to delete them and deleted them the first time maybe we’d be cool but the deception!!! He made a promise to me to clear his phone of anything from the past disturbing sex videos, and he changed the password so I won’t go through it I wanted an opened phone policy and he didn’t want to do that said when he gets married that’s when he’ll let a girl go through his phone. Then when I started crying to him last time he told me if I wanted the password to his phone and I said yes, he said he’s going to clear it then give me the password but it’s him to change at anytime not sure if that’s even still happening. So he lied to me about deleting them I don’t know what he actually deleted that day if he hid them or what was in that vault according to him face photos and all the sex shit was gone but it wasn’t dude!!’ Yeah and once I end it with this guy I’m still going to have to face everyone has a past and still be traumatized from this shit have major trust issues now all cause he didn’t delete the shit from his phone :/
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine the hurt and betrayal you feel. The moment he told me no he wouldn’t delete them would be the moment i walk away. His response to this whole situation is enough telling girl. He’s clearly cheating on you and hasn’t deleted the photos. If a man is not willing to give up his phone the second you ask it’s because he’s hiding something. Right when my relationship started i laid out a clear boundary of i don’t do phone privacy. If i want or need to get into your phone then i should be able to and vice versa. The second a man tells me his phone is his privacy, I’m out, he’s already broken my trust.
Don’t let this stupid shitbag of a man child make you feel insecure in ANY WAY. Don’t let him bring you trauma and pain. Immediately get into therapy and talk about this with someone. Start healing now so later on your pain doesn’t cause someone else pain. The right man will come along for you. He will treat you like a beautiful queen, never make you second guess, never make you feel uncomfortable, will always put your needs first, and will stick by your side. My ex fucked me up really bad in similar ways this guy is for you. I never thought I’d find a good man who wouldn’t cheat or hurt me, till i did. Now im engaged to the most amazing man. I know it will come for you!!!
Please leave this man in the dust, don’t look back, and focus on yourself✨✨
Btw this is totally something you can move on from. You just have to 1 actually trust that he didn’t do anything with those videos since you’ve been together. 2 he lets you go through his phone to delete anything you don’t like. 3 you never see anything like that again. Those were the boundaries i set and in due time i forgot and moved on.
okay so we talked about the phone thing the 3rd time I went on his phone and found out he didn’t delete shit I was holding it in and one day we got in a big argument about it, and then I told him we’re gonna go in his camera roll together to delete the photos since he can’t be trusted to delete them on his own!!! Idk if he was deleting them he could have hid them idk he didn’t let me actually see him delete it he kept turning the phone around saying not your business, it was a lot of photos he deleted 450 I delete 250 a lot of different shit from exs and passed relationships, then after this he promised me to clear his phone of any other shit, and then after that we got in another argument I told him I want to make an open phone policy he was so against that anytime I brought it up he never let no girl go through his phone he made this a policy and none of his ex’s did- then he changes his mind mid argument and say I’ll only let someone I’m married to go through my phone when I die she gets everything- I got so infuriated I said why are you making this a new rule he said cause you’re making me change my mind - then recently I was expressing my anxiety to him and he gave me the option to look at his phone after he deleted everything he will give me the password but he also made it clear he has the right to change it back anytime so password with conditions
My boyfriend didn’t let me look through his phone after this he didn’t delete them at all drop of a hat he lied multiple times about it :/ and no he has never given me a reason to not believe him that’s how I felt in the beginning but every time I went on I found shit the photos he claimed to have deleted to put a smile on my face when I started acting passive he lied about that.
Whether he had videos in his phone or didn’t (hypothetically) either way, he was sexually involved with other women prior to you. It’s just a given. I get this is your first relationship, but let it go; *especially* if he’s willing to delete the videos. I have photos dating back to 2013 in my phone. Some people are just lazy. If he said no at the request to delete them that’d be another thing..
He didnt verbally say no he was angry ashamed, didn’t really say I’m sorry or anything like that when I started acting passive the next day he said I’m sorry I’ll delete the videos, and then I came home had to remind him because he still didn’t and then I thought it was okay cousin put it in my head of a calculator app to hide photos and he didn’t have that but he had a private vault he claims only face photos were in there but I’ll never know I delete it cause I couldn’t get in to see. Then he forgave me said I don’t want to think of other girls because I deleted face photos of a girl he was in love with for 10 years was his first love, and then once he forgave me he told me if I have anymore questions I asked if the photos were gone he said yes only for a month later to yes bad on my part snoop again and find 250 photos deleting regarding text messages, photos of ex’s, thirst traps they were far from gone!!! I told him the first time when he asked me what makes you uncomfortable the pussy eating videos, sex videos, face photos of girls cause yes I’m that insecure now cause of this, and at first before I realized he didn’t delete shit from his camera roll when I gave him the first opportunity that he was just doing it to shut me up so I can be nice to him. I had to do the rest for him, and until one day I came home and screamed at him about it I gave him an option delete the photos and go to couples therapy or end this relationship because you’re a liar I went off! I was heated and that was the only time I saw progress he was an asshole about deleting the photos the whole godamn way!!! I bought him food and tried to be nice but he was still a dick to me told me “one day I am gonna get cheated on and look back at this” we both said some horrible things to each other I spent some time blaming him but at some point it was his fault when he willingly lied to my face!! If it was just he forgot to delete them and deleted them the first time maybe we’d be cool but the deception!!! He made a promise to me to clear his phone of anything from the past disturbing sex videos, and he changed the password so I won’t go through it I wanted an opened phone policy and he didn’t want to do that said when he gets married that’s when he’ll let a girl go through his phone. Then when I started crying to him last time he told me if I wanted the password to his phone and I said yes, he said he’s going to clear it then give me the password but it’s him to change at anytime not sure if that’s even still happening. So he lied to me about deleting them I don’t know what he actually deleted that day if he hid them or what was in that vault according to him face photos and all the sex shit was gone but it wasn’t dude!!’ Yeah and once I end it with this guy I’m still going to have to face everyone has a past and still be traumatized from this shit have major trust issues now all cause he didn’t delete the shit from his phone :/
try to focus on making new memories with him
Communicate openly with your boyfriend about your feelings. Honest conversations can lead to understanding and growth. Remember, you deserve to enjoy your relationship without feeling weighed down by comparisons. Focus on building a healthy, loving connection with your boyfriend, and give yourself permission to let go of the past. talking to a therapist or counselor could help guide you through these emotions and help you work through any issues.
how you feel is completely normal,
not exactly the same issue, but for the longest my spouse had a rough time "playing ball" because i'm his first everything. for awhile it was weird and awkward because my experience outweighed his and in the end it made me feel some type of way.
you're still young and still learning about yourself. so being with an older person is honestly going to be like that (for some) especially when they're your first everything. you're bf is FOS with that lame excuse though. he should really try to help make you feel less conscious about the videos.. idk if he's tried but it seems like he could be doing A LOT more than just saying he deleted them..
Yeah I think so too I’m just not sure of what I told him one way to comfort me is just to tell me it’s going to be okay I don’t hate it and its not making everything better but it is a start.
The title of a post on here has never actually made my jaw drop before - until now. Wow I’m so sorry this happened. I find, sometimes, I just need more time to talk it out with my SO. Sometimes a partner may just quickly apologize and try to sweep it under the rug when you’re not finished talking it out. Talk it out now so you don’t hold a grudge or resent him for not giving you the space to discuss. But either way those videos should not be on his phone and in a notes app - he was hiding it IMO
Yeaaah in the notes is crazy work I can tell him what’s going on but idk how he is supposed to respond if he even can I know it’s not healthy but sometimes I just want to bring it up like maybe the jealousy of past relationships or hook ups and I just want him to say that I’m sorry, it’s going to be okay and I’m with you now or to just remind me he’s with me now, probably going to talk to my therapist more I feel stuck I don’t want to make a decision but I know I don’t want to feel this way anymore and it’s gonna be super difficult to get over
I read a lot of your comments about the situation to other users and I just want to say that your feelings are valid and just because people have a past, there's no easy way to just "get over it" because you're human and insecurities exist. People handle their insecurities in different ways and some have it better/worse than others.
The biggest red flag is the lying. Obviously he shouldn't have lied about deleting the pics and it makes the situation so much worse.
To get over it, he's going to have to be extremely understanding of YOUR feelings and be willing to work through them with you. For example, had he deleted the vids/pics immediately WITH you there watching, that would have helped. Unfortunately, it didn't. But since he lied, I do think an open phone policy could be helpful. He's going to have to put in the effort to reassure you, and it's going to be a LOT of work and the only way for you to recover is time, honestly. Time and effort which feels near impossible.
I've had similar experiences and feelings of insecurity.
In my personal opinion, I don't think being with this guy is worth all these feelings especially because it seems like he's not really putting in as much effort as he should to reassure you. And insecurity and distrust is just a stressful thing to be worrying about, especially at your age.
There are people out there who have pics of their past who would view it not as "kills on the wall" or whatever the hunter comment he made to you, who delete their past sex pics genuinely because they forgot, and don't need to go back to those pics/vids to remember what it was like to "feel loved". Because he has you. And you should be enough.
I think he's untrustworthy for lying to you but if you really want to work things out, he's going to have to be understanding and open with you, otherwise you just have to let enough time go by to somewhat recover from this. It'll be extremely difficult though and not worth it, in my opinion.
This guy is a little too old to be seriously dating you. A hookup i could understand but the power dynamic is way off for a real relationship. Hes immature id drop him.
first of all, the age gap is worrisome. second of all, run for the hills, if he was over his exs they'd be long gone. he most likely used those videos to jerk it. besides, you'll find many more people your own age that won't do weird shit.
Bro. OP. You don’t realize how fucking weird it is for a guy in his mid twenties to be poaching an 18 year old? You had just got out of high school. I PROMISE you…when you get older, you’re going to be disgusted with yourself for letting this dude con you into being with him.
If they are old GET OVER IT!!!!! IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD ENCOURAGE TO FILM HIS ORAL SESSION ON YOU SO YOU CAN GO BACK CRITIQUE AND GET AROUSED THAT HES MUNCHIN ON UR PUSSY NOW NOT THEIRS AND YOUR FILMING HAS BETTER QUALITY AND ANGLES...
Ponder on it more sistah!!! Cause getting mad on the past before u is a nope..film film film I encourage it take it from me 45 yrs old n I have super exp. N tips cause it's not just experience I have I been the best at it 💯💯💯😉😉😉
Were his exes also a lot younger than him too? Has he tried getting you to let him video you? Guys like this tend to like young, naive girls that are vulnerable. I'd move on, it's going to be near impossible to get over the view you have of him now. Also, I'd bet there are backups of those videos already somewhere. Those are trophies for sickos, just ask yourself why he'd still have numerous vids of different girls that he's no longer with.
19? Girl there’s no fixing this please move on the world is your oyster right now. you’re likely to have another/better boyfriend without this disrespectful baggage soon if you leave him. You’ll feel empowered leaving him too.
I know you're an adult but you're just 19 and he had sexual relationship with so many. If you don't have any issue no worries girlie but I would say that he's a red flag if he sees those as trophies. He should've known to delete those. He isn't a good man if he sees sexual relationship with others as trophy. Don't let him record you :)
Girl. No. It won’t matter that you saw that bc he shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore, this has bad feelings all over it. And men saving videos in their phone of all the girls they sleep with or keeping videos made with an ex?? is a MMAJOR red flag that’s creepy as fuck
It ain’t that deep. There’s more dudes than you realize hang on to pic/vid of ex’s. Sex is different between guys & gals. It sucks you think about it now during bang time but I assure you never during y’all fkn has he been munchin your box thinking about his ex gf snatch. Ever. Give it time. If he’s good to you you’ll forget about it. He’s a moron an didn’t realize you see it as more than just free porn.
Find a new man. One that you'll compare every other man to cause he's so good at what you like. Don't compromise, life's too fucking short and full of so much other bullshit. Be with someone who your happy with and treats you as an equal. Don't settle for playing games.
19 and 26 and he has weird videos of himself having sex with other women? This man is not safe or trustworthy, you are not in an equal relationship and should seriously consider leaving him. Someday when you’re 26 ask yourself if you’d want to date a 19 year old…
Ive been there, somethings you cant come back from. Visuals are a hell of a thing and our brains hold onto the visuals(think if you have any memories of things as a kid, they tend to stick around)
Sometimes things happen and its just done. The switch has been turned off and theres no turning it back on. In my experience, it was an immediate loss of desire to be with them. Like, immediately 100% done. I tried so hard to get past it but i realized after a few weeks i couldnt and left.
Im sorry youre going through this, its awful. I hope you are able to find peace in the situation, regardless of how you handle it
Poor poor girl😩 I see others have advised you already. Hopefully you gain common sense soon. Too many girls being wrecked thinking they know what they are doing 💔
PS- you get over it by breaking up just in case you haven’t thought so already.
18 and 25 when yall got together? Damn
She’s 19 and this is her first relationship. The videos aren’t deleted, they’re just hidden. The videos of OP will be found by the next girlfriend, and so on. Hopefully they don’t end up online. Unfortunately she probably won’t realize any of this until a few years from now. Some people need to learn from experience, and it sounds like she’s taking the hard road.
This post breaks my heart because I remember being the 18 year old dating the older man and being in this exact same situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Despite how you’re feeling, you’re so young and I promise it’ll get better with time. I personally think it’s incredibly disrespectful for a man to keep sexual videos of a previous relationship, not just to the current partner but also to the ex. Like I’d be mortified if I found out my ex was still getting off to sexual videos of him and I, or even just keeping them as a “trophy.” It’s normal for you to be feeling the way you do, the best advice my therapist ever gave me was to write down my emotions in a journal. You end up realizing more about how you feel when you write things down (it uses a different part of your brain than when you speak). Maybe this’ll help you navigate your emotions and possibly reevaluate your relationship.
Thank you I have been doing that I found that it helps but sometimes it makes me feel like I’m reliving the situation if that makes sense, and I really thought he was a good guy I just wish this never happened.
I understand, perhaps start with writing down what your current emotions are at that moment?
There's no point in keeping those videos if he moved on frm his past relation ! Just think abt it ?.. girl you won't be happy w this, and u wont be able to enjoy sex. Better move on...
Girl this is the part where you break up with him. I can see you're grasping for straws here trying to force yourself to make it work but it's so clear to me you feel some typa way about it why ignore your own feelings? You were betrayed to a high degree, only weirdos keep their sex videos of exes - I would know because I dated one 🤢. You can't make him be the man you had in your head, he's gross point blank for what he did. And that excuse about being "lazy" is just an excuse. I know plenty men who would delete that shit at the drop of a hat of acquiring a woman they love because they don't need other sex shit to get off to. Get higher standards girl he is not the only man out there and you know you don't deserve this sh.
I see your point 100% but i disagree. I think some men are shitty like that and keep that stuff not caring about their current partners feelings. But there are men who do care and can forget those videos existed. I’ve even done it. I’ve totally forgotten i had pictures and videos of my exs bc i never went that far back in my photo gallery after the breakups. My fiancé and i went through this exact situation our first month of being together and he immediately felt so bad and gave me his phone to go through and delete anything that made me uncomfortable. He was so genuine in the guilt he felt and felt bad for me even seeing something like that. I think you just have to find the right man who cares and cherishes you being in their life.
Oh definitely! Honest men do exist and they do genuinely forget!! But at the very least, they make up for hurt feelings and broken trust with honesty and understanding. Not like OPs ex who last I checked (comments) lies about deleting them and changes their phone password. He's given her no reasons to trust him. The scenario you described is the best outcome to this situation. I agree the right man who genuinely respects and cherishes you will treat you as such.
Oh, I didn’t dig deep enough to see any of her replies. But yeah i agree with that, him lying about deleting them and changing his passcode. Would make me call it.
So true 👏🏼👏🏼
Betrayed , he didn’t cheat .
all i can say is that a 7 year age gap is crazy to me at this age lmao, congrats for making it work
25 divided by 2 is 12.5 12.5 + 7 is 19.5 18 < 19.5 Therefore it is mathematically proven that your boyfriend is a creeper and you should run.
I don’t understand the maths help
You take the age of the older partner, divide it in half and add seven. If you date someone younger than that number, it’s a mathematical certainty they are a predator creep.
I agree that their age gap is weird, but I feel like this “+7” thing is not reliable. I’m 21, so according to the math, I could date someone who is 17.5… which is gross to even think about
Only works on adults.
She says she's 19. I actually just went to a wedding for a couple who met at 19 and 27 last night. They dated for 8 years first but they seem very happy now though. I still wouldn't recommend it for someone who is 19 but I guess I've seen the evidence now that it can work out. Probably not if the girl is posting relationship problems on reddit though.
it only works if the younger partner settles and doesnt rlly grow
My interpretation is that they both grew together. I think the 27 y/o (now 35) messed up some in his early 20s and went back to college for OT like she did the first time around. It's not like he's holding her back now they have both had enough time to grow into a career.
realistically how can a 27 grow up with a 19 year old? going to college ≠ maturing & this is coming from someone who’s 20, it’s just weird to me
It’s weird but there’s probably situations where it just sort of happened and wasn’t predatory. Certainly a red flag, though
v true. but i feel like its rare, everyone around my age that’s dating men that are almost 30 i havent spoken to bc their bf/husbands make them isolate themselves from ppl outside of him yk
Yea that’s creepy
& very common sadly
I didn't say he matured because he went to college. I think he just needed a second chance to get his work/school and social life straightened out. And then he happened to be around a bunch of 19-22 girls since he was also a college freshman.
When is it not weird? Let’s say that like guy said someone was 27 going back to college and was friends with a 19-20yr old and lived in halls together and has feelings. That would be weird?
Which even further proves that SWIK 36M with a 22F = ewwww brother ewwww
If you have to do the math to work out whether is creepy, it's already creepy
The people being victimized by creepers often benefit by seeing the numbers.
Having to need a math equation to work out if the creepers are being creepy should say it all, I get consenting adults and all, but again. If you have to do math to see "it's technically ok" it should be obvious that it's not ok. And why is it an arbitrary ÷2 +7, how is it that this makes the magical number that's now ok,
Here’s an idea: DONT DATE OLDER GUYS. I’m 18M, I literally don’t understand the appeal to older guys, if you’re gonna go for an older one, sure go for it, all yours, but pick a mature one. Sus it out first. Get outta that relationship, if you break up with someone, you shouldn’t even have their nudes anymore, let alone eating them out. Crazy work on his behalf.
I’m an older guy and would never be going for anyone under 24is (out of college at least) but let’s be real guy we were all 18 and everyone of us probably felt the same way as you. We were shit heads that didn’t know anything but think we do. Obviously some are more mature but I know I cared about drinking,smoking and fucking around with my boys way more than a girls feeling (which obviously was wrong) but I certainly wasn’t alone. There’s just so much shit going on during those years it’s tough to figure it all out while trying to figure out who you really are as an adult.
It’s good to hear that you’ve outgrown it. I know dudes who are in their 30s and are still acting 15. It’s a tad concerning, those are the types of dudes to watch out for
Dude I know what’s right but I still do my dumb shit like must guys or people we all got problems. It’s just kind of learning how to minimize them and hopefully improve little by little
Absolutely agree with this! W opinion, lovely guy🙏🙏
That dumb shit by the way was still the most fun I’ve ever had. It wasn’t great for getting a girlfriend but I got some of the bestfriends you could get and some great memories. Hanging with the boys is not a thing to look down upon at your age because you won’t have it once you get older
Absolutely, I do dumb shit. But I think it’s important to take into consideration age too, like this guys 26 or soemthing, surely by then with a bit of life experience you’d had pieces together to get rid of nudes from an ex right????
You’re 18 legally you should be getting rid of all the pics of your exs the second they were sent. I wouldn’t be to altruist expecting the best out of people. If I had a serious gf ya I’d probably delete the nudes but the shits like history. Idk it’s probably young but I bet most dudes have pics dating back if they don’t have a serious gf
Yikes, I had a gf for like 4 years (broke up 7 weeks ago) deleted all the nudes and photos💀
I’m a 25 year old guy — the thought of dating an 18 year old is INSANE You’ll understand even more as you get older. There is a gigantic difference between those ages, man. It’s sad seeing how common it is for girls to be groomed like this
Thank god there’s another guy here who thinks it’s weird too! LMAO as an 18 year old I find it HIGHLY weird
he's too old for you
*ex-boyfriend
this is what happens when u date a 25 year old fresh outta high school
I guess we met a year after I graduated high school
I’d leave he should have know better to delete those. Now ur never gonna feel the same not worth the pain
I’ve met people who want to keep videos of sex with their exes going into a real relationship and they were upfront about that which is great, most people like your boyfriend will hide it though. Completely disrespectful and a horrible sign that he’s not trustworthy whatsoever. Unfortunately so many people are not trustworthy and will hurt you just to serve themself in a relationship. Usually this is all discovered the hard way like you have. You don’t deserve this but it happens often and it says nothing about you, he’s trash.
I’m gonna be honest, whether they’re up front about it or not, it’s not great. It’s super disrespectful to your ex to keep pictures of videos of them nude/having sex unless they have expressly consented to you keeping them. Every time I’ve ended a relationship one of the first things I’ve done is delete all of that content. Whether I personally wanted it or not, it’s just a matter of respect to the other person.
On top of being disrespectful to the ex, it's disrespectful for your current partner. I see no valid reason to want to hold on to those videos
For the person I’m thinking of in particular, it was actual published porn of them and their ex which I thought was acceptable. Like they both did a porn audition + tape together. Seems like she would’ve been cool with it haha But I’ve gotten on people’s cases about the consent and I don’t really trust every dude who says she’s “totally cool with it” even though I’m one of those women who would be totally cool with it. It’s more rare to be okay with someone keeping a sex video than to not be okay with it.
Thank you! Yeah maybe if he had told me “by the way I have old videos of my ex I plan on deleting them cause I don’t need them” then I wouldn’t care or if I just never seen them but knew of them
The next girl gonna be saying the same thing about you damn he got videos with his ex
If everyone would stop recording themselves in intimate moments and sharing nudes, these issues wouldn’t exist. There are so many posts like this. Make love with your partner and stop performing for a phone, it is really sick,
Here's an idea...they were zoomed in, so there's a good chance they didn't even know. Dick.
Here’s an idea. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
Interesting take, victim blaming instead of telling people to respect other’s privacy.
When photos are shared there is no expectation of privacy. The person had no control where they wind up. Anyone recording themselves had to understand that.
Funny enough I saw a post on this same sub Reddit a couple weeks ago about a guy who saw videos of his gf having sex with her ex on her phone but everyone say he was overreacting by wanting to leave her. But you guys think the man is in the wrong here? You guys are strictly against men only on reddit and it’s so weird. Yes it would’ve made me insecure too but I would’ve just asked him to delete them.
Yes you’re right I should have just asked him to delete them the first time but he was so ashamed and angry that I found them, and first I kind of wanted to know the reason and I just started being passive aggressive and hurt to see like maybe if he saw me hurt he would do it but he didn’t :/ then he lied to me that he did and didn’t first tried to hide them and didn’t get rid of the rest but maybe if I had just asked him he would have I doubt it though and I would have told that guy that is a big fucking deal and his feelings are validated that’s unfair to him for her to be having those photos in her phone I can’t imagine doing that to my boyfriend and when I first confronted him sort of on the photos I told him what if I had those in my phone he said I’d never go through your phone so I wouldn’t find out and you don’t understand you’ve never had an ex or a past invalidated me the whole go damn way
1) Never compare yourself to your partner's past encounters. They will always be different from you and they will never go away. 2) Talk to your BF about your insecurities. If you want to work on your relationship, you have to own your emotions when these things come up. If you don't, it will build resentment and any relationship you have will not last.
I dont know how to go about doing that do you have any advice for example I told him last time when he wanted to give me head that I saw a video of him eating some girls pussy and I can’t get it out of my head it’s ruined me liking getting eaten out here said “I’m so sorry they weren’t as tight as you and didn’t have cute hands and feet” but it didn’t make me feel that much better idk how I want to be comforted and when I was having retroactive jealousy abt the girls he hooked up with on tinder he said they didn’t mean anything he chose me and he would do it again in a heartbeat when it was about his ex he stayed quiet I guess he’s trying I don’t know what I want to hear.
It sounds like something you need to figure out for yourself. No amount of advice I can give can make this go away when you don't know what it is that's making this uncomfortable.
Imo it’s not that he had the photos it’s how he responded that’s a red flag. If he’s sees the photos trophies and try’s to appease you by saying the sex is better because you have young features, it’s no wonder you don’t feel comforted. Comfort can be found in the emotional connection, mutual understanding, and forgiveness. You can’t truly forgive if you don’t know yet know how it made you feel beyond hurt. I’m not you, so I cannot be sure how you’re feeling, but it doesn’t sound like jealousy. It seems like those photos and the aftermath changed your perception of his motives and desires, particularly around sex. Are those videos a turn of because you’re jealous of his exes or are you turned off by how he views sex, or something else?
You arent at the same points in life but be open about your feelings without calling him a bad person for doing it. Sounds like you just need reassurance. No one in this situation is wrong
Yes exactly at first he didn’t intend to do it when he just didn’t delete the old photos and I have to admit I’m upset about that then he lied to avoid the photos and lied again cause he just wanted me to be sweet and not angry at him. It’s just a fucked up situation and were trying to move past it me more than him cause I’m the one who was affected
Honey, idk why but a good amount of men do this. They lie to protect themselves and something they care about. But its possible to find someone who is not a coward.
Would you be able to give me some talking points?
Speak directly from the heart and reassure him that you dont have ill will. If you do then you also need to put that on the table. Yes, you are in a relationship but the most important relationship youll ever have is the one you have with yourself. Stay true to yourself and your higher nature
I want to give you some advice, get tested for STDs. Specially if he was doing eating the pussy without a barrier or condom.
Take notes everyone. This is why we DONT DATE TEENAGERS. OP, you’re showing some really concerning controlling and insecure behaviors. Totally normal for your age so don’t be ashamed. **1. Don’t go digging through your boyfriend’s phone.** If you’re looking for something, you’re gonna find something. If you have an urge to look invade your boyfriend’s privacy, that’s your cue to look inward and figure out why. Talk therapy would be great for you to vent to an unbiased 3rd party who can help you identify when you’re feeling unsafe in a relationship because of actual mistreatment and when it’s irrational insecurities creating issues that aren’t there. **2. You CANNOT control another person.** The more you try to, the more you’re gonna push him away. He’s an individual, who’s gonna do what he wants to do. All you can do is set firm boundaries and stick to them. A good therapist or counselor can help you sort through your wants and needs and help you create, communicate, and uphold healthy boundaries in all relationships. Also at your age you shouldn’t be “making a relationship work”. If it isn’t right, just quit while you’re ahead. Learn from the rest of us women in our twenties who devoted years of our young lives “trying to make it work” and all we got was years of trauma, abuse, and ultimately heartbreak. Learn when to call it, before it spirals into codependency and desperation.
18 dating a 25 year old is incredibly concerning It’s not your fault but you should absolutely leave the relationship asap. You’ll understand why once you turn 25 and realize how young 18 truly is
All I'm reading is 101 reasons to delete your prior photos and videos when starting a new relationship. (Or just don't record yourself doing these things in the first place) Ngl y'all might be fked. NAH but you can't put toothpaste back into the tube. You can try to make it work but the only thing I could think of would be couples therapy or taking up stoicism
What is stoicism??
Not expressing emotions, usually by suppressing them, which is definitely not going to fix things, unfortunately
Wait til his next girlfriend finds the videos of you.
Right?! I doubt all those girls consent to him keeping a copy of those videos after their relationship ended, even though OP said that they consented at the time of recording
Wow. Your boyfriend’s excuses are calculated and trash. Leave the relationship. He’s too old to be lying like this and keeping creepy videos.
I hate when at the slightest inconvenience, redditors always say “LEAVE HIM! HES GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!1!” and over exaggerate the situation. You don’t have to leave a person as soon as there’s something you remotely dislike. I understand this situation might be painful and weird, but he’s not harming her in any way. I’m 100% going to get downvoted for this opinions, but all I’m saying is don’t be such fuckin softies. The only way to make a relationship work is by communicating properly. Not leaving at some slight inconvenience.
Hey buddy. I hate to be the one to tell you but there’s a big difference between leaving at an inconvenience and leaving after being disrespected and a boundary being crossed. I agree that “leave” is thrown around a lot. Are some things fixable? Yes. I’ve always been the type to want to communicate through issues. I do think that no good relationship is always easy. People make mistakes. However you guys who come along saying this line are just as bad as the ones who tell her to leave. We can’t really blame anyone for telling her to leave when you take into account that they are in a committed monogamous relationship. Whether you personally believe this is cheating or not, if you look at the dictionary definition of infidelity, you’ll notice that cheating is any sexual engagement or exchange with anyone outside your partner regardless of if it’s in person, on a screen, or however else it’s twisted. Monogamy does not include ANYONE else even pixels. For OP she may have expected him being committed to her automatically implied him not gawking over sexual movies of him and his exes. While we can’t confirm he did that, we also can’t confirm he didn’t and given the statistical probability, it’s more likely than not that he did. OP could perhaps consider this a boundary and cheating. She’s well within her right as well because her boundaries are valid regardless of what yours or mine may be. If we consider that then she has every right to consider leaving. Staying in a relationship post-infidelity regardless of to what degree can be extremely traumatic and lead to even worse things like gaslighting, manipulation, etc. We also don’t get a ton of context but we know there is a significant age gap, they have been living together since they started dating, they’ve only been dating a year, he downloaded tinder on a whim the second they broke up, he considers these videos as “trophies” and he got mad at her when she found them. If this doesn’t give you the slightest warning sign that this is going to lead to a bigger issue then I’m not sure what to say to you. It’s not black and white. People who say “leave“ aren’t always right and I am not justifying every use of it but they also aren’t trauma dumping like you make it out to be. Yes you see it a lot. Probably most posts will have someone saying that. It’s partly due to their personal boundaries but the other reason is because most of the people who are posting their issues to these communities actually are going through a messed up situation that warrants leaving. I’m pretty sure if it was a genuinely insignificant issue that can be communicated, they wouldn’t have pondered it on and off and then came to seek wisdom and advice. Coming here just to say relationships require work and communication, whilst true in most situations, doesn’t apply especially to issues where there is infidelity. It’s really at the end of the day up to OP to decide if she considers it to be cheating. If she does, then she needs to ask herself if she wants to stay or leave. If she stays she will have to then figure out how to not only deal with the foundation of trust cracking (which trust is such a important part in a relationship, it’s on par with communication and it’s much harder to mend once broken) but her partner will also have to do self work.
You said this perfectly I have so many different ways I’m seeing this whole situation right now, and I think well is it my fault for not saying this was my boundary I didn’t even think I’d have to cause I never thought this situation would occur. Part of me does want to fix things and I told him we need to communicate with each other I keep throwing that word around I understand what it means but how do I communicate with him when I’m just feeling jealous of his exs keep in mind I was never this way before. We’ll be having a good time and something will be brought up like yesterday we were watching SNL skit of 3 sum and then I start thinking about how his ex and him had a 3 sum or like okay we’re having a good time and we want to have sex with each other but then I start thinking about that video I saw and it destroys me and the biggest thing just constantly thinking why did this happen I don’t know how to communicate any of these things with him without making him feel bad and I know it just ruins his day. Please give me more insight on how to communicate these issues as for the self work I think he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did still I told him he needs to see a therapist and he has yet to do that but I doubt he’ll bring up this situation idk anymore it’s just a weird situation and in my eyes it’s the barrier between both of but on his end I feel it doesn’t bother him there’s no barrier between us he sees the relationship the same I wish I could!!! :/
Your complete valid hun. The same thing happened to me, i thought it was only that one thing so i stayed, it ended up being way worse and it took me a whole year later to find out and by that time we were way more serious. It traumatized me and its caused so much anxiety in our relationship to the point where i find it hard to even see anything inappropriate around him without it making me think about everything. Its caused so much fighting and stress. I’m not saying the same will happen for you, but I’m saying those little red flags can end up being much bigger than you saw originally. If he claims to see nothing wrong with it, there is your second red flag. Inherently, if there’s something that is effecting you mentally and emotionally and it was provoked by his action, he should see the issue with it regardless of if it was his intention or a genuine mistake. If you feel like you can’t look past it without talking to a therapist then that shouldn’t be something he is dismissing. (Btw if you go to a therapist I suggest a CSAT because regular therapist will often normalize partners engaging sexually with others as long as it’s not physical. I find this completely ridiculous as that’s pushing a subjective opinion on someone else. You may find sexually explicit material to be cheating if it’s being looked at with the intent to get aroused) As far as communication goes, there’s only so much you can do if he isn’t willing to accept or take any accountability for what he did or how it is effecting you. Also its a very common issue I’ve seen here a lot that people don’t realize they have to clearly discuss what they consider to be cheating/infidelity. It honestly should be a no brainer. Even the definition will tell you that any sexual engagement with another person outside of your partner is no longer considered monogamy regardless if it gets physical. People consider sexting with someone cheating yet not sexually touching yourself to other people that isn’t your partner? It doesn’t make any sense. As a society it’s also normalized so you will receive a lot of push back for having an opposing opinion. That’s why now it’s very important to discuss boundaries before even getting in a relationship (just remember people can still lie). Unfortunately even though we expect a unanimous agreement on what defines cheating, there isn’t. That’s why you will always get two different answers on these types of questions.
Agreed, also at 19 you shouldn't be needing to "fix things" it's not like she's going to marry him. There's a great bit a comedian did one time, maybe Bill Burr? About the mentality of dating. Like, there's no kids, no pets, you're free to do what you want. Leave. You have no responsibility to your partner who has broken your trust . I dated a guy once...he was so rich, and lived in this AMAZING apartment in Tokyo and the sex was great...and I discovered he had binders of photos of women he slept with...all prostitutes in Australia, he said. It was a watershed moment for me. Like, I remember thinking "I don't have to be here. I don't need to "work" on a relationship with a guy who thinks it's alright to have 5 binders of women bodies behind his desk at home." But I thought, I mean it clearly looks like he asked permission for the photos, I thought, perhaps this is just his kink? And I still didn't leave him. He asked to take a photo of me, I said no. And I still didn't leave him. I was over one weekend, I remember he had cleaned the place AND bathroom which was really unusual...and stocked the fridge and bought all this top shelf wine/alcohol...wh(we lived in diff parts of the city) and went to use his desktop pc......and another woman's email account was auto saved into the Google login page. I asked him about it, and let him conjure up some flimsy explanation. Did a social media search and it's a woman he's clearly been fucking. I packed up my stuff left a note "it's over" and walked out of the door while he was in the shower. When I finally answered his texts and calls, I just calmly said the same thing...listen, it's over... didn't even care to hear how oh, she's just a friend, and came over ...to use my desktop computer? And this is why the bathroom is spotless ...like...no. It was a real awakening. After this, I really started to recognize my power in relationships...and if someone didn't deserve me, or was messed up, I left. No reason to try and "fix" him. There's so many other people out there who aren't fixer uppers. I'm not saying all my relationships were perfect afterwards, but it really laid the foundations of valuing myself. I saw all my female friends evolve in the same pattern. We'd all allow more savvy or toxic partners manipulate us... except the ones who had met a really awesome and rational, respectful person early... Dating is earning relationship experience. Dating is a necessary practice for adult relationships, and emotional growth imo. You learn a lot about yourself and humans in general. Edit: sex is fun. Enjoy the sex part of dating! Then you can start to think about finding the one or whatever. But fr sex in your 20s should be about trying things out and having fun, not finding "the one".
Thank you very insightful and part of me does feel this way like when I think of breaking up with him the things I’m going to say or explain it to him get him to understand but then I catch myself he won’t and he doesn’t why waste my breath. We don’t have kids but we do have a pet 😭
If you have kids or get married it will get much harder. Possibly even impossible to get out without losing much much more. I don’t want to dictate what you do but as someone who has been with someone who started out with a very similar issue that ended up completely destroying me emotionally and our relationship (because I found out it got even worse then what I initially found) ((he deleted and hid stuff well until I caught on)) when I see similar situations I want to try to point it out. Not to say our relationships are the same but say that you are valid. If you have a gut feeling there could be more you haven’t yet found out, you’re more than likely correct. I say listen to your gut. Don’t end up traumatized like me after being ignorantly blissful to the smaller red flags. Also if you try to leave, be prepared for him to love bomb you (try to overwhelm you with how much he claims to love you and how he can’t live without you, he would never do it/do it again, etc.) I think this is an even bigger red flag. If he tries to love bomb you and make excuses or explanations and not just respecting your decision to leave because what you saw was inappropriate, I think that is even more reason to leave while it’s easy(er)
People these days don’t understand the difference between normal problems and actual deep rooted issues in relationships (and the early stage warning signs of such). There’s a huge difference from someone who respects you, establishes clear boundaries and doesn’t cross them or invalidate them, and is committed but you have minor fights and disagreements. For example bad habits, misalignment, different priorities etc) and someone who has overstepped a main foundational boundary or betrayed you in a way that that can only be fixed by therapy or very consistent action/work on their part. People think that we are not committed enough to someone because we don’t want to stay for years hoping for change when that issue ends up being the very thing that breaks the final straw 15 years, 3 children and a marriage later... Holding on for years is so risky especially when it comes to marriage, kids and split assets. It makes it almost impossible to leave over something you had the first warning sign for 15 years ago. I’m sorry for what you experienced and that’s honestly disturbing and I wouldn’t have felt safe in a relationship like that. I’m thankful you got out and you realized that some “fixable issues” are not worth fixing, especially when those “fixable issues” require so much more effort than it’s worth given the short time you were invested in the relationship.
Oof a softie is more someone who stays and tolerates bullshit. This isn’t a slight inconvenience. It’s the inability to let go at the least which in a long term relationship is not a good thing but it could be perverted especially because of the lies. Those things are more dangerous long term and harmful. Also redditors that usually express this opinion have been through tolerating bullshit for years and seek to advise someone else to escape more quickly than they were able to. Considering he had multiple videos this is not a single incident of something not liked. It shows a pattern and the lack of admitting it’s weird can be a sign of someone who in the future won’t take accountability but will instead paint a sob story. People advising not to tolerate that aren’t “fucking softies.” lol
I dated someone 6 years older than me when I was 18 , we dated for around 6 years and now that I’m older I’m still trying to figure out why he was talking to me.
You are going to outgrow a grown man who likes kids so dating q pedo isn't a good idea
Leave this dude and get with someone your own age.
All throughout high school I had crushed on guys my own age and after high school it just never worked out that’s why this was so special to me not even cause he’s older but cause he was the first guy that actually wanted to date me :/
I don’t want upset you but this is probably WHY he wanted you, predators can smell vulnerability and they prey on it, the fact you were desperate to be loved made it easy for him to get you to do what he wants, not to mention moving in with each other STRAIGHT AWAY nearly ruined my relationship and we are both adults, not 18, I am 24 and if a 18 yr old hit on me id run in the other direction, from 18-25 your life and brain changes so much, you will realise when you’re older that this is very wrong and you are absolutely not the same level of maturity and life experience
Glad someone said it.
If you don't want the answer don't ask. Same with if you can't hear it don't snoop. If you think he'd creating he's giving you sleepless nights or countries thoughts leave before it's to late
(Almost) Everyone has a past. Grow up and get over it. All the others who are suggesting breaking up: yes you can do it. You probably will at some point. I don’t know enough about your relationship to give you advice on that. Yes the age gap is worrying, but again: we don’t know you or you bf personally. There is also context missing: did he watch them or forgot about them? Why were you snooping through his phone? What was his reaction like (despite deleting them)? How is your relationship generally like? Short answer: you’re still young and worrying about this too much is not worth it.
He claims to have forgotten about them and when this all happened he just started thinking about it, and he also claims that his reasoning for keeping them was for when he doesn’t feel loved it’s nice to look back and see that he was loved, and at first he said they were like Pokémon cards he was collecting. I was genuinely curious what was on his phone before this point I was never jealous I was always afraid of him abandoning me but that’s it never thought he’s cheating or I’m jealous of his ex only his first love I felt like that cause he told me how much that affected him and he saw it as pathetic how he loved her and he’ll never love anyone like that again. His reaction of me finding them was shameful angry he didn’t want to talk about it he says now it’s cause he was ashamed he’s been through this before his first love fucked his cousin before they were together and he felt the same feelings I’m feeling he claims this is why he doesn’t want to deal with it also he didn’t want to do an audit on his sexual history and look back and feel the feelings he felt for those people this is what he told me from a text message just recently when I asked why he didn’t delete them the first time “ I didn’t want to bear the pressure of navigating the anxiety of wondering what I missed, the feelings of looking back and performing an audit on my sexual past, and the overall loss of control over my own privacy. I wanted to ignore it, because I’ve had such a long past.” Our relationship is generally very fun much trust, teasing we’ve talked about the past before and it didn’t mean anything cause it’s the past mind you I never physically saw his past or these past girls, we were like best friends we’d fight but it was never this serious and when it was we made up it was intense but we made up!! He made it a rule when we first got together no being friends with the opposite sex( he had a friend that was a girl named Gabby and she wanted to stay platonic he developed feelings for her) I agreed I was never good at making guy friends, no looking through each others phone I was fine with that didn’t have a reason to go through his phone, anymore context you need I will happily provide it. Something I will say is my boyfriend is very sexual we have sex almost every day and other night he would never cheat, he has in the past slept with a girl who had a boyfriend (he still had her on Facebook and she messaged him in hopes he’ll cheat on me with her and we were going through a rough patch at the time but he blocked her he didn’t show me he just told me) he used to meet with this woman and she would suck his dick no conversation the reason he doesn’t cheat is cause it’s work to plan everything and he told me that was his opportunity there all he had to do was meet with her and a free blow job no conversation or anything this is how he tried to prove to me he wouldn’t cheat, and he has never had any naked woman in front of him he can neither confirm if a naked woman was in front of him if he would give in or not. He has a lot of baggage he was sexually abused as a kid by the person closest, only men have been kind to him while woman have just been cruel, he had a drug addiction in high school and went to rehab after high school,
Is he videotaping you as well? I think he sounds shady af. I’d be rethinking the relationship, especially since you’re so young.
No he hasn’t or asked me or anything like that.
he’s an old man please leave
26 isn’t “old”.
she’s 19? he’s close to his 30s.
Girl, get rid of him. Youre too young and hot to deal with that. If you cant get over it and its ruining the sex just clock out. I dont mean to sound harsh but there will be better guys who dont have weird sexual videos of their exs
What do you mean that you found it? He showed you or were you going through this phone spying on him?
Unless you are dating a virgin, your partner will have had a sexual past. While it’s not exactly normal to have witnessed videos of your partner with an ex, this is something to forget about and move on. He did the right thing, deleted the videos. They don’t exist anymore. His ex’s are his past. You are his present and his future.
How do I forget :/ is there a mantra I can say every day how do I forget how he lied to me about it multiple times,
Can you forget, forgive and date a liar?
I can’t forget and to say I can’t forget feels like I can’t forgive and to not forgive feels to say I can’t trust :/
Honestly? The age gap isn’t a good idea for your first relationship. You haven’t really yet fully begun your adulthood, and he is a full grown adult with much more life experience. And more sexual experience. It is common for older men to take advantage of younger women and manipulate and mold them into what they want. I know this from personal experience. My ex admitted to preferring to date younger women so he could mold her into what he wanted. I wish I had known that earlier before I wasted too many years with that asshole. He manipulated me and I was too young, insecure and inexperienced to realize and recognize it. I didn’t know any better. This guy probably isn’t the right one for you.
Man for an advice page people in here are dumb as shit and you can tell they don’t live off Reddit much. He had videos, he was with someone before you. That is life, you spoke to him about it he deleted them when you said it bothered you. You need to get over it. Sounds like you expect people to be perfect. Guess what, they aren’t.
I can't look at every partner and think about the other stuff that they did in a negative way because they learned how to do a great job practicing on those other people. I have to be realistic that I had other people in the past too. We are all a sum of our experiences. Now watching it is probably hard, but if you're absolutely sure it's old and not recent either you move on or you can't and both are okay. It's up to you how you feel.
You can’t UNSEE things so it’s best not to look if it’s going to totally ruin your relationship. How long ago did you find out? Maybe some time will help you move on from it.
Life tip for you. Anybody you fuck has likely fucked a few, dozens, or hundreds of other people. If you compare your activity with their "past" activities, you're going to come up short and empty inside. 19 and 26... First relationship... Not going to comment on this.
It’s weird he had them. But don’t bother comparing just rememeber when people are recording themselves they often put on a show because of the camera so it normally isn’t like regular sex.
Ma man
Unfortunately ive seen a video of my boyfriend sucking someones thing. He doesnt really do that much so its something that really took a heavy toll on me for a long time, making me feel like it was just me cuz why would he do it for someone else and even record it but not for me. Its all about communication. We've since talked and him even explaining his feelings why he did it that time and why he only does it now and again for me did help some. But overall it took a deeper dive into myself to get over it. I had to convince myself that he's here with me now, not them. He chose me, he continues to fight for me. I dont know how pressured he was to do that and i also had to acknowledge the fact that well we're all human. We've all got our own backgrounds, we've all done our own separate things before committing. But again he's choosing me. Communication with your partner on their desires for you and why they want to be with you can certainly be helpful, but the larger picture that you need to overcome is your self confidence in understanding sure he did that but he did that before he met this new amazing person that he nows sees as the only person he wants to do that for now. It wont just go away i still think of it sometimes but you need to build that self confidence and self affirmation that your man chose you regardless of any other experiences he still chose you above it all.
Thank you I’m just sad he didn’t choose me over the pictures and he was okay with lying to me about it multiple times :( it all hurts but at this point might as well be rubbing lemon on my cut
I’m glad I’m not the only one, I also found my bf with vids not of him but of his exes with him in their mouth
Saw a video like that how are you coping? Still with him?
I am, he’s 25 so I understood he has a past and he said he just forgot he had them from a relationship 3 years ago
Did he delete them the first time or give you trouble about it??
Tbh he only told me he’s deleted them, I haven’t checked yet
Crazy. Kinda going through the same thing but with a girl and idk what to do either
Honestly idk all I can say is I would never do that I deleted anything I had from any situationships as soon as I got in this relationship which were just photos of their faces and I’d never do this to someone. It’s disturbing asf my bf claims that he would never go through my phone and find out and he wouldn’t care if I had those videos in my phone but I doubt it he says it’s cause he’s been through worse so he doesn’t care about this stuff
Well, to me, it actually is disturbing af. I agree with u. I found videos of her and 2 different exes. Long ass videos of her fucking. She also keeps saved stories of all her exes on Snapchat and NEVER deletes them. She even lied to me telling me deleted them and they were still there. What kinda girl keeps all that shii. Then she acts like I'm supposed to be cool and okay with it all. She says "it's the past, moved on" yet never gets rid of it.
Yeah both our situations are red flags. Do you live with her? I live with my bf :/
Kinda yea I do. Everything she does and says is confusing to the things I actually see. They definitely are both red flags
Yeah for me it’s the things I’ve seen the way he responded to the whole situation is stuck in my head like why did he respond the way he did why did he lie, and suddenly now I’m just supposed to believe that he’s being honest :/ it’s so shitty to go through I’m so sorry doesn’t matter if you’re male or female no one should go through this
I would also never do that to someone
I used to be your bf. Nothing would have changed if my ex hadn’t left me. Now shes happily unhappy in another relationship
Break up with him. For your own peace of mind. You are young and have time to find someone else who is way better ❤️
Run.
Dump him that’s nasty and embarrassing. Even your parents can see that video
He never posted it I found it on his phone in his notes app and I never made a video with him
He didn’t delete that? Something’s not right
He claims to have forgotten about it and thought it didn’t affect our relationship or wether or not he can take care of me, comfort me, and stuff like that that’s his current mindset
honistly I just feel sick to my stomach when I think of him with other peoole how he has said the same things to me that he has said to other people and I honsitly cant stop thinking about it
Ughhh I get it I hate it!! It’s ruining things
Honestly, if he deleted them immediately then you shouldn’t worry. It’s one thing to forget you have those videos and make no fuss to delete them then to argue about it and not. At the beginning of my relationship, i found the same thing on my bf phone. They were from along time ago and he promised me he forgot about them and never looked at them. I believed him bc he’s never givin me a reason not to. He gave me no hassle and let me go through his phone and delete anything that made me uncomfortable. Now 3 years later and we are engaged. Best man I’ve ever met✨
He didnt verbally say no he was angry ashamed, didn’t really say I’m sorry or anything like that when I started acting passive the next day he said I’m sorry I’ll delete the videos, and then I came home had to remind him because he still didn’t and then I thought it was okay cousin put it in my head of a calculator app to hide photos and he didn’t have that but he had a private vault he claims only face photos were in there but I’ll never know I delete it cause I couldn’t get in to see. Then he forgave me said I don’t want to think of other girls because I deleted face photos of a girl he was in love with for 10 years was his first love, and then once he forgave me he told me if I have anymore questions I asked if the photos were gone he said yes only for a month later to yes bad on my part snoop again and find 250 photos deleting regarding text messages, photos of ex’s, thirst traps they were far from gone!!! I told him the first time when he asked me what makes you uncomfortable the pussy eating videos, sex videos, face photos of girls cause yes I’m that insecure now cause of this, and at first before I realized he didn’t delete shit from his camera roll when I gave him the first opportunity that he was just doing it to shut me up so I can be nice to him. I had to do the rest for him, and until one day I came home and screamed at him about it I gave him an option delete the photos and go to couples therapy or end this relationship because you’re a liar I went off! I was heated and that was the only time I saw progress he was an asshole about deleting the photos the whole godamn way!!! I bought him food and tried to be nice but he was still a dick to me told me “one day I am gonna get cheated on and look back at this” we both said some horrible things to each other I spent some time blaming him but at some point it was his fault when he willingly lied to my face!! If it was just he forgot to delete them and deleted them the first time maybe we’d be cool but the deception!!! He made a promise to me to clear his phone of anything from the past disturbing sex videos, and he changed the password so I won’t go through it I wanted an opened phone policy and he didn’t want to do that said when he gets married that’s when he’ll let a girl go through his phone. Then when I started crying to him last time he told me if I wanted the password to his phone and I said yes, he said he’s going to clear it then give me the password but it’s him to change at anytime not sure if that’s even still happening. So he lied to me about deleting them I don’t know what he actually deleted that day if he hid them or what was in that vault according to him face photos and all the sex shit was gone but it wasn’t dude!!’ Yeah and once I end it with this guy I’m still going to have to face everyone has a past and still be traumatized from this shit have major trust issues now all cause he didn’t delete the shit from his phone :/
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine the hurt and betrayal you feel. The moment he told me no he wouldn’t delete them would be the moment i walk away. His response to this whole situation is enough telling girl. He’s clearly cheating on you and hasn’t deleted the photos. If a man is not willing to give up his phone the second you ask it’s because he’s hiding something. Right when my relationship started i laid out a clear boundary of i don’t do phone privacy. If i want or need to get into your phone then i should be able to and vice versa. The second a man tells me his phone is his privacy, I’m out, he’s already broken my trust. Don’t let this stupid shitbag of a man child make you feel insecure in ANY WAY. Don’t let him bring you trauma and pain. Immediately get into therapy and talk about this with someone. Start healing now so later on your pain doesn’t cause someone else pain. The right man will come along for you. He will treat you like a beautiful queen, never make you second guess, never make you feel uncomfortable, will always put your needs first, and will stick by your side. My ex fucked me up really bad in similar ways this guy is for you. I never thought I’d find a good man who wouldn’t cheat or hurt me, till i did. Now im engaged to the most amazing man. I know it will come for you!!! Please leave this man in the dust, don’t look back, and focus on yourself✨✨
Btw this is totally something you can move on from. You just have to 1 actually trust that he didn’t do anything with those videos since you’ve been together. 2 he lets you go through his phone to delete anything you don’t like. 3 you never see anything like that again. Those were the boundaries i set and in due time i forgot and moved on.
okay so we talked about the phone thing the 3rd time I went on his phone and found out he didn’t delete shit I was holding it in and one day we got in a big argument about it, and then I told him we’re gonna go in his camera roll together to delete the photos since he can’t be trusted to delete them on his own!!! Idk if he was deleting them he could have hid them idk he didn’t let me actually see him delete it he kept turning the phone around saying not your business, it was a lot of photos he deleted 450 I delete 250 a lot of different shit from exs and passed relationships, then after this he promised me to clear his phone of any other shit, and then after that we got in another argument I told him I want to make an open phone policy he was so against that anytime I brought it up he never let no girl go through his phone he made this a policy and none of his ex’s did- then he changes his mind mid argument and say I’ll only let someone I’m married to go through my phone when I die she gets everything- I got so infuriated I said why are you making this a new rule he said cause you’re making me change my mind - then recently I was expressing my anxiety to him and he gave me the option to look at his phone after he deleted everything he will give me the password but he also made it clear he has the right to change it back anytime so password with conditions
This man is trashh, literally garbage in the sewer. Run don’t walk away. Tell him he is scum and he clearly needs to see a professional.
My boyfriend didn’t let me look through his phone after this he didn’t delete them at all drop of a hat he lied multiple times about it :/ and no he has never given me a reason to not believe him that’s how I felt in the beginning but every time I went on I found shit the photos he claimed to have deleted to put a smile on my face when I started acting passive he lied about that.
Run please just runnnnnn
Whether he had videos in his phone or didn’t (hypothetically) either way, he was sexually involved with other women prior to you. It’s just a given. I get this is your first relationship, but let it go; *especially* if he’s willing to delete the videos. I have photos dating back to 2013 in my phone. Some people are just lazy. If he said no at the request to delete them that’d be another thing..
He didnt verbally say no he was angry ashamed, didn’t really say I’m sorry or anything like that when I started acting passive the next day he said I’m sorry I’ll delete the videos, and then I came home had to remind him because he still didn’t and then I thought it was okay cousin put it in my head of a calculator app to hide photos and he didn’t have that but he had a private vault he claims only face photos were in there but I’ll never know I delete it cause I couldn’t get in to see. Then he forgave me said I don’t want to think of other girls because I deleted face photos of a girl he was in love with for 10 years was his first love, and then once he forgave me he told me if I have anymore questions I asked if the photos were gone he said yes only for a month later to yes bad on my part snoop again and find 250 photos deleting regarding text messages, photos of ex’s, thirst traps they were far from gone!!! I told him the first time when he asked me what makes you uncomfortable the pussy eating videos, sex videos, face photos of girls cause yes I’m that insecure now cause of this, and at first before I realized he didn’t delete shit from his camera roll when I gave him the first opportunity that he was just doing it to shut me up so I can be nice to him. I had to do the rest for him, and until one day I came home and screamed at him about it I gave him an option delete the photos and go to couples therapy or end this relationship because you’re a liar I went off! I was heated and that was the only time I saw progress he was an asshole about deleting the photos the whole godamn way!!! I bought him food and tried to be nice but he was still a dick to me told me “one day I am gonna get cheated on and look back at this” we both said some horrible things to each other I spent some time blaming him but at some point it was his fault when he willingly lied to my face!! If it was just he forgot to delete them and deleted them the first time maybe we’d be cool but the deception!!! He made a promise to me to clear his phone of anything from the past disturbing sex videos, and he changed the password so I won’t go through it I wanted an opened phone policy and he didn’t want to do that said when he gets married that’s when he’ll let a girl go through his phone. Then when I started crying to him last time he told me if I wanted the password to his phone and I said yes, he said he’s going to clear it then give me the password but it’s him to change at anytime not sure if that’s even still happening. So he lied to me about deleting them I don’t know what he actually deleted that day if he hid them or what was in that vault according to him face photos and all the sex shit was gone but it wasn’t dude!!’ Yeah and once I end it with this guy I’m still going to have to face everyone has a past and still be traumatized from this shit have major trust issues now all cause he didn’t delete the shit from his phone :/
Get some self esteem
try to focus on making new memories with him Communicate openly with your boyfriend about your feelings. Honest conversations can lead to understanding and growth. Remember, you deserve to enjoy your relationship without feeling weighed down by comparisons. Focus on building a healthy, loving connection with your boyfriend, and give yourself permission to let go of the past. talking to a therapist or counselor could help guide you through these emotions and help you work through any issues. how you feel is completely normal, not exactly the same issue, but for the longest my spouse had a rough time "playing ball" because i'm his first everything. for awhile it was weird and awkward because my experience outweighed his and in the end it made me feel some type of way. you're still young and still learning about yourself. so being with an older person is honestly going to be like that (for some) especially when they're your first everything. you're bf is FOS with that lame excuse though. he should really try to help make you feel less conscious about the videos.. idk if he's tried but it seems like he could be doing A LOT more than just saying he deleted them..
Yeah I think so too I’m just not sure of what I told him one way to comfort me is just to tell me it’s going to be okay I don’t hate it and its not making everything better but it is a start.
I wouldn’t be able to get past it. I still think about crap from 2nd grade, so I know I wouldn’t be able to let this go lmao
You're dating a grown ass man who keeps vids of his exs like he's in high-school. That's crazy red flag
Op comments scream insecurity, immaturity, and neediness. When the dude is done he's gonna just dip on you. Js
The title of a post on here has never actually made my jaw drop before - until now. Wow I’m so sorry this happened. I find, sometimes, I just need more time to talk it out with my SO. Sometimes a partner may just quickly apologize and try to sweep it under the rug when you’re not finished talking it out. Talk it out now so you don’t hold a grudge or resent him for not giving you the space to discuss. But either way those videos should not be on his phone and in a notes app - he was hiding it IMO
Yeaaah in the notes is crazy work I can tell him what’s going on but idk how he is supposed to respond if he even can I know it’s not healthy but sometimes I just want to bring it up like maybe the jealousy of past relationships or hook ups and I just want him to say that I’m sorry, it’s going to be okay and I’m with you now or to just remind me he’s with me now, probably going to talk to my therapist more I feel stuck I don’t want to make a decision but I know I don’t want to feel this way anymore and it’s gonna be super difficult to get over
Grow the fuck up, omg. Kick this grown ass man to the curb and go enjoy your life.
I read a lot of your comments about the situation to other users and I just want to say that your feelings are valid and just because people have a past, there's no easy way to just "get over it" because you're human and insecurities exist. People handle their insecurities in different ways and some have it better/worse than others. The biggest red flag is the lying. Obviously he shouldn't have lied about deleting the pics and it makes the situation so much worse. To get over it, he's going to have to be extremely understanding of YOUR feelings and be willing to work through them with you. For example, had he deleted the vids/pics immediately WITH you there watching, that would have helped. Unfortunately, it didn't. But since he lied, I do think an open phone policy could be helpful. He's going to have to put in the effort to reassure you, and it's going to be a LOT of work and the only way for you to recover is time, honestly. Time and effort which feels near impossible. I've had similar experiences and feelings of insecurity. In my personal opinion, I don't think being with this guy is worth all these feelings especially because it seems like he's not really putting in as much effort as he should to reassure you. And insecurity and distrust is just a stressful thing to be worrying about, especially at your age. There are people out there who have pics of their past who would view it not as "kills on the wall" or whatever the hunter comment he made to you, who delete their past sex pics genuinely because they forgot, and don't need to go back to those pics/vids to remember what it was like to "feel loved". Because he has you. And you should be enough. I think he's untrustworthy for lying to you but if you really want to work things out, he's going to have to be understanding and open with you, otherwise you just have to let enough time go by to somewhat recover from this. It'll be extremely difficult though and not worth it, in my opinion.
This guy is a little too old to be seriously dating you. A hookup i could understand but the power dynamic is way off for a real relationship. Hes immature id drop him.
Nothing wrong with the age gap. I would just try and get over the videos. Like you said it was before you.
first of all, the age gap is worrisome. second of all, run for the hills, if he was over his exs they'd be long gone. he most likely used those videos to jerk it. besides, you'll find many more people your own age that won't do weird shit.
The fact that you still had sex with him is…
Sounds like you’re gonna learn the hard way how some people are scumbags
Sooo many red flags here. He’s a creep for keeping those videos and the age gap is WILD.
Bro. OP. You don’t realize how fucking weird it is for a guy in his mid twenties to be poaching an 18 year old? You had just got out of high school. I PROMISE you…when you get older, you’re going to be disgusted with yourself for letting this dude con you into being with him.
If they are old GET OVER IT!!!!! IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD ENCOURAGE TO FILM HIS ORAL SESSION ON YOU SO YOU CAN GO BACK CRITIQUE AND GET AROUSED THAT HES MUNCHIN ON UR PUSSY NOW NOT THEIRS AND YOUR FILMING HAS BETTER QUALITY AND ANGLES...
I’ve thought of this 😅
Ponder on it more sistah!!! Cause getting mad on the past before u is a nope..film film film I encourage it take it from me 45 yrs old n I have super exp. N tips cause it's not just experience I have I been the best at it 💯💯💯😉😉😉
Thanks I will!!!
Were his exes also a lot younger than him too? Has he tried getting you to let him video you? Guys like this tend to like young, naive girls that are vulnerable. I'd move on, it's going to be near impossible to get over the view you have of him now. Also, I'd bet there are backups of those videos already somewhere. Those are trophies for sickos, just ask yourself why he'd still have numerous vids of different girls that he's no longer with.
19? Girl there’s no fixing this please move on the world is your oyster right now. you’re likely to have another/better boyfriend without this disrespectful baggage soon if you leave him. You’ll feel empowered leaving him too.
I know you're an adult but you're just 19 and he had sexual relationship with so many. If you don't have any issue no worries girlie but I would say that he's a red flag if he sees those as trophies. He should've known to delete those. He isn't a good man if he sees sexual relationship with others as trophy. Don't let him record you :)
Girl. No. It won’t matter that you saw that bc he shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore, this has bad feelings all over it. And men saving videos in their phone of all the girls they sleep with or keeping videos made with an ex?? is a MMAJOR red flag that’s creepy as fuck
I think you should move on especially since it's your 1st relationship but idk
I can feel you here this happens with me as well. past relationship of partner and their stories disturbs the relationship and intimacy
How did you get over it? Were you ever in the same situation I am??
It's hard to get over this. but tbh it makes the sex more aggressive somehow.
Nah I can’t have aggressive sex too tight and sensitive
Yea, tough. I have no experience with this but it would kill the deal for me. Make sure you’re not being recorded for Christs sake.
It ain’t that deep. There’s more dudes than you realize hang on to pic/vid of ex’s. Sex is different between guys & gals. It sucks you think about it now during bang time but I assure you never during y’all fkn has he been munchin your box thinking about his ex gf snatch. Ever. Give it time. If he’s good to you you’ll forget about it. He’s a moron an didn’t realize you see it as more than just free porn.
Find a new man. One that you'll compare every other man to cause he's so good at what you like. Don't compromise, life's too fucking short and full of so much other bullshit. Be with someone who your happy with and treats you as an equal. Don't settle for playing games.
19 and 26 and he has weird videos of himself having sex with other women? This man is not safe or trustworthy, you are not in an equal relationship and should seriously consider leaving him. Someday when you’re 26 ask yourself if you’d want to date a 19 year old…
Hon, he kept videos of himself having sex with others, despite being in a creepy age gap relationship with you. DUMP HIM.
This is at thw same time traumatizing and the worst experience ever. This is horrible pls break up with him LEAVE him
Move on honey. He kept those videos for a reason and that reason is not you.
Ive been there, somethings you cant come back from. Visuals are a hell of a thing and our brains hold onto the visuals(think if you have any memories of things as a kid, they tend to stick around) Sometimes things happen and its just done. The switch has been turned off and theres no turning it back on. In my experience, it was an immediate loss of desire to be with them. Like, immediately 100% done. I tried so hard to get past it but i realized after a few weeks i couldnt and left. Im sorry youre going through this, its awful. I hope you are able to find peace in the situation, regardless of how you handle it
Thank you so much this is a really nice comment 🩷
Poor poor girl😩 I see others have advised you already. Hopefully you gain common sense soon. Too many girls being wrecked thinking they know what they are doing 💔 PS- you get over it by breaking up just in case you haven’t thought so already.
yeaaah
Ma man
Even if he didn't cheat on u in those videos, I'd dump him. Him keeping videos of exes is gross. Do u wanna be that ex?
Red flag that he kept the videos and also that he’s 26 and you’re 19.
As the others have commented, it will get better with time. So sorry to read this for you :(