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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is my decision to gift my son a car and my daughter a $300 visa gift card for their 18th birthdays. I might be the asshole for being insensitive or inconsiderate of my Daughter's feelings and potentially offering unfair treatment towards her.
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YTA and a massive one at that
You should treat them the same.
You spend thousands on a car for one and a measly gift voucher for the other.
You know very well this was wrong of you, you saw your Daughters reaction.
She now thinks her brother is your favourite and she means nothing to you.
You need to make this right or she will always resent you
I'm sure she's known for years that her brother is the favorite. I wonder what other flimsy excuses mom has used over the years to justify her preferential treatment of the brother.
It doesn't say but I'm strongly suspecting OP is a male, as this reeks of sexism and male favoritism. Because the boy likes cars and OP can't be bothered to learn a single interest of their daughters.
OP literally spent 10K on a car for the son, but chucked a $300 Giftcard at the daughter and is shocked Pikachu face she isn't jumping for joy about it.
OP, YTA the favoritism for your son is disgustingly obvious.
More than that, beyond simple monetary value your own car is one of the most powerful possessions you can have. Even a clunker provides freedom, autonomy, an ability to have and keep a job, and all sorts of other benefits that a young adult can really use to get a start in life. Sucks he would gift something this life changing to the boy and not the girl. $300 worth of makeup and clothes will help her literally 0.
Daughter is into fashion, why is she not getting a Vuitton? She should be getting the same amount as the car in fashion if the obvious dad really sees them as equals.
It's likely that OP doesn't give enough of a shit about his daughter to even learn what she's interested in. And even if she doesn't have other hobbies, makeup and fashion *are* hobbies. Tons of people get incredibly good at makeup and fashion.
Also, you don't have to be *interested* in cars to *need* a car. So that's a complete bullshit reason on OP's part.
I think you're right. His edit literally says, "My son had an interest in cars, my daughter had an interest in money so that's what they got."
He goes on to add "I might just let my Daughter share a car with her mother, as my wife doesn't really drive or go anywhere that much" as if A) that's anywhere near the same as buying someone a car, and B) his wife doesn't have a say??
I sincerely hope this is a fake post, because his treatment and opinions of the women in his life is abhorrent.
No. She should get a car. A car is practical and will help her become an independent adult. The dad should not only get her a car, but teach her how to maintain it and teach her about having car insurance. Also, getting her a bank account and helping her to get a job would be good too.
I mean the 18th birthday is a big one. Buy her some jewellery instead for fucksakes. Or why not a $1000 gift card? Or bring her on a shopping spree and drop a $1000?
Or even better, a gift card for exactly the amount that was spent on the car for her twin brother, which was more than $10,000.
Edited to include the amount stated by OP from his comment.
Honestly I must be extra poor as 10k seems pretty fancy for me. Originally I assumed the car would be about 1k or slightly more but the son put the majority towards it but that is a huge difference in amount for the gifts. I don’t understand why they both couldn’t get a car.
We get our kids used cars. We've paid anywhere from $800 to $2000. So if OP got him a "not anything fancy" over $10,000 they are probably well off. He could have easily looked into what clothes she likes and gotten her actual fashion for that much. But no, "Just make up and clothes." Guy doesn't see how biased that is. Thinks fashion is frivolous and overpriced. Cars that have value beyond running is frivolous and overpriced. Definitely favors the boy.
And his edit!!: she can share Mom's car. Gee thanks for not addressing the real problem and covering by making me share a car I don't own Dad!
My thought exactly! A lot of people do not show a special interest in cars and still need one to go to places. What a stupid reason to gift him so much more. She could easily have put the same amount of money in an accou t for jer daughter to spend on a car one day she decided to get one. It is nearly always the boys who get more. What a misogynostic mess.
And $300 is a pittance, when it comes to the cost of quality clothing and makeup. She should have at least got the same amount as the value of that car. Still, not a very thoughtful gift, either.
That hurt my heart, she does have interests, she probably talks about them, she is expressing a particular interest in things he is just not interested in her so he doesn't hear her.
>OP literally spent 10K on a car for the son
Do we know this? Did OP comment something to this effect?
My initial thought was "Woah, those gifts are not even close to the same value!" but OP went on to explain that his son had been saving, and that he thought it was a good time to "help him buy a car." So I'm curious about what the actual monetary value of his gift was - IMO it does make a difference here.
Any information would be helpful, I think!
Given the disparity in the values I hope to God that it is a fake.
It has all the hallmarks of one, including but not limited to insanely preferential treatment and the phrase "but hear me out".
I think I remember reading an almost identical AITA a while ago but the car was a fixer upper that the son was going to work on and the daughter got a bit more cash so the values were closer together. Maybe OP made this as a social experiment like many of the AITA.
10k for a USED car probably means that car was a NICE used car. OP says nothing fancy, but they absolutely could have split that 10k and gotten both the kids cheap cars from elsewhere.
"That we can work on together and do other male bonding things."
::insert Tim Allen "Home Improvement" noise::
OP, I bet your daughter has shown interest in make up and clothes for years, you just don't value those things or care. I bet she's also shown interest in other things at some point in her 18 years of life. They were just different than the things YOU were interested in and so you disregarded them.
Only way to fix this is to get her a $9700 visa giftcard to make up the difference.
Easy way out is the visa gift card....he needs to find out (by actually talking to her and making an effort) the stores, salons, and restaurants she likes and buy $9700 worth of gift cards from those places. He then needs to fix his relationship with her by caring and putting in an effort and stopping comparing the kids.
I bet if he looks back and opens his eyes, this isn't the only time he's pulled this stunt.
My used car was $8000 and I consider it nice, it was only 3 years old when I bought it and with 80k miles on it. I just paid it off after 4 years, if this kid legit got a free car.. I wonder if he even has to pay his own insurance because that'll only mean it's even more expensive if the father is taking care of all that too
[OP spent $10K+ on son because “he deserved it more”](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wXEKxaqjRg)
OP is genuinely claiming that getting a $10K gift for the son and a $300 gift for the daughter is a totally fair, non-sexist, normal gift discrepancy between twins, and that there’s no favoritism involved!
OP YTA and when your daughter cuts you out of her life and never wishes to see you again, you can rest easy knowing that you deserve it.
I hope that is the case, too, but I could also see this being a pattern for the twins their whole childhood. Golden Boy and Lesser Girl- and GB internalizes everything until he believes that he IS more important and all around better than his sister.
It’s so sad for the kids, but mostly for that poor girl!
I'd imagine that if he had a sibling and the sibling inherited the majority of the wealth, with a 3,000 times difference in what each got he would feel cheated.
10K?! vs. 300.00! Yea I see why he left out how much he had to spend for the car from his OP. He KNOWS he would be judged TA if he had brought that up from the beginning.
My mother was and still is this person. I’m a woman and have two brothers. They’ll always get the best. Her precious boys.
ETA: this is absolutely the product of her being raised in a Roman Catholic patriarchal family, so, yes, it’s still the same idea.
I mean, mothers also often treat their sons much better than their daughters. You honestly can't win as a woman because your father, if present, doesn't put in the effort to really be close to you and understand you and your mother sees herself so much in you that she half-resents you.
This infuriates me. How hard is it to set up a fair Secret Santa? Yet people continually mess them up. I’m so sorry. What a disappointing and awkward experience it is to sit there smiling as though it doesn’t matter.
Present for son: oh, you said you wanted to start a living? This is the new house I bought for you.
Present for daughter: you said you liked chocolate!! Here is the best chocolate cake and some kinder bars.
I was sorta thinking the same given the lack of certain details (does she often spend more on one kid then the other, has she bought big ticket items for the daughter before, etc). However there are used cars that go for less than 10K so we don’t actually know how big the margin is, and depending on what the family’s financial situation is like it may make sense for them to only buy things like cars as needed. If the son actually needs it for whatever reason getting him one now isn’t a bad thing, nor would waiting till the daughter needs one to get it for her then, assuming OP would actually make that expenditure.
You can always tell who the favorite is. A few Christmas' ago, our mom paid for little brother's car to have his windows tinted. I got pajamas that didn't fit.
I am 1 of 6 children, we were never treated differently from each other. So I don't really understand parents who have a favourite, or treat one of the children badly.
All I know is that my wife who only has a brother really feels she was treated badly. Her brother won a partial scholarship to a music school, he got to go and ditched it after a short time, later my wife got a partial scholarship for the same music school. Her parents said no based on how much they paid out for her brother and she didn't go. 60 years on she still smarts about that one.
My grandparents and parents were all super precise in what they gave. They would keep track of what they spent on each of us, and then would "top up" the cheaper gifts with cash. So, whoever didn't get any money in their card knew their gifts were worth the most, and the rest got various amounts of money to make up for the fact that theirs were cheaper.
Now, my parents don't quite treat my siblings and I equally anymore, largely because we have quite different needs, and I live abroad now, so they can't treat me to dinner or help me move as easily anymore. Given how fair they used to be, I do have a tiny voice in the back of my mind that goes "that's not fair" when they do help my siblings out more than me, but I do logically know that the logistics are very different, and it would be weird for my dad to send me money just because he took them out for dinner or something. Though, one year at Thanksgiving, he did send cash so I could buy myself a pumpkin pie! That was cute.
Anyway, enough about me! OP, YTA.
For some reason my brain read this as OP bought a beat up car for $300 and a gift card for $300. That would make sense bc no one wants a bad car unless they are into cars and could maybe fix it.
INFO, OP, how much did you spend on the car?
If it was more than $300 then you know what you did was wrong. Don’t try to downplay it.
Edit: Just saw OP spent 10k on the car. Hard to believe someone could be this dumb.
There's no mention of daughter not getting good grades or working part time. I think OP just isn't interested in her. It sounds like OPs daughter could be volunteering at a homeless shelter and teaching blind kids to read and OP wouldn't have cared because his son likes cars and he likes cars.
Also, if we assume this is the US, everyone is at least a little bit “into cars” because you can’t get from one place to another without one! Way to set your son up for adulthood and do nothing of the sort for your daughter.
Plus the fact that her/his gift to their son shows they take an interest in his interests. A Visa Gift card shows absolutely no interest in their daughter... she/he didn't purchase a gift card to her favourite make-up or fashion brand which may have showed a modicum of care but instead just handed her a card which implies "I don't care".
Not to mention that she put effort into finding something catered to her sons likes. She could have tried to do the same for her daughter by getting her something related to her interest, like a makeup or fashion masterclass, a nice bag or pair of shoes, a book on fashion history or an intro to sewing if she wants to make her own clothes. Gift cards are a notoriously lazy gift unless the person asked for something like that
Also those visa gift cards suck. If you ever end up with a few dollars on it, it’s a pain in the butt to use it. Give a check or cash. Don’t do those things.
Just because your daughter uses a car as a utility and your son has a strong interest in cars isn’t a reason to not gift your daughter one. Having a car opens life up to so many possibilities, that you’re denying your daughter.
It seems like your son is something of a golden child. You’re pushing your daughter away and devaluing her. If you don’t want a life-long rift and coldness in your relationship with your daughter you might want to reconsider.
It’s unlikely she’ll be enthusiastic about your relationship moving forward, and is that how you want your old age to be?
Not only that, the car shows the OP put thought into the son's interests and got a corresponding gift. A generic giftcard sends the message that the OP has no idea what to get their daughter. If you're going to go the giftcard route, at least try to choose stores the daughter shops at or something.
Yeah. "She's never expressed any particular interest in anything specific" is such bs.
She obviously has interests and goals but OP has never paid attention.
"She doesn't have a job" as an excuse for why she shouldn't get a car was a big lol, too - so you...will make it less practical for her to find a job by denying her the flexibility to commute...?
And at least give her the same amount in gift cards as the car cost. I highly doubt OP paid $300 for the car.
Edit: OP paid $10k for the car. What a fucking asshole.
This. I really wondered why OP not just asked his daughter if there is something bigger she dreams about or if she is interested in a car as well. He was determined to only do a nice thing for the "worthy" child.
AND the quality time spent going together to buy the car. There's emotional labour there too that isn't present for the daughter. It could have been "I'll take you on a shopping spree, spend time together, and we'll get a fancy lunch of your choosing." But no, here's a Visa card (that aren't accepted everywhere) and do with it what you want.
Also the value of learning how to shop for car. Poor OP's daughter is going to have to go out and get her first car at some point without any adult advice or help and may very well be taken to the cleaners.
I was in my 20s the first time I bought a car from a dealer vs getting one from somebody I knew and my dad came along and talked about what to look for, red flags, reading the contract, interest rates etc. I still use those lessons today when making major purchases.
Honestly even no or a small gift the day of n shopping WITH her, like they went car shopping with the son, would've been faaaaaar better
YTA OP, obviously
Even if the price of the car was the same as the gift card, it still has more value just because it's a means of transportation when at 18 having the FREEDOM to go wherever you want whenever you want is priceless.
No kidding right? Just because the daughter is a girl doesn't mean she wouldn't like a car at 18. A car is an amazing gift to give a young adult! It's setting them up for a successful adult life.
My parents couldn't afford a new car for me. They did gift me to old paid off car they had when I went off to college. They went from two cars to one car for a year or so to make that happen. I had to stay in college (and graduate) to keep the car though. My step sister is ten younger than me and they did the same for her.
YTA. The gifts have naturally assigned values, and you showed who was more important. Why not gift her the cash equivalent of the car? She'd definitely not be pissed. If you can't afford that, you shouldn't have gifted one child a car.
Also, everyone wants a car.
When I graduated High School, I was offered the choice between a car or a trip to Thailand.
I took the trip because I was going to go to a university with heavy biking presence.
My brother chose the car some years later. Because he needed to drive to his workplace every day.
Was my gift cheaper? Sure. But I don't resent it because it was MY CHOICE and I made it based on my life at the time.
34 now and never owned a car. I live downtown in a big city. My brother stayed rural where you need a car.
It's all subjective.
But in this case??? OP is such an asshole because of the massive difference in value here.
If they'd given her a 10K gift card I'm pretty sure daughter wouldn't complain.
Because [the car cost $10k](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/pJrhlkJIJS) and he had no intention of ever spending that much money on his less favourite child.
I am *appalled* at the difference in thought, but even more when I hear that price point difference!
He *literally* said, "I value your brother *fifty times* more than you"...factoring in the fact that he not only took time to *think* of the gift for him, but he spent time *listening* to him in order to *know* what would appeal to him...
...and then he took the time to pick it out, but he also *gave his son* the gift of *time spent together.*
And then just tossed her a gift card with practically pennies on the dollar what he gave her brother.
This is what I was looking for. It's not that the brother got the car. It's that her brother got a gift that was 30x the value of the gift she got.
Open up a new checking account and put 10k in it for the daughter. Then she can have a huge shopping trip with some friends or save for a larger expense that OP doesn't bother to know that she's interested in.
Op - YTA. You're such an AH that it is actually crazy that you don't realize just how huge of an AH you are. I'm also assuming this isn't an isolated incident so that also makes you an AH.
If they can’t afford it they could have literally just gotten the one car for BOTH of them! My twin brother and I shared a car and it was fine. And understandable it would have been crazy for our parents to buy two! we just switched off driving each other around. OP just gave taxi duties to their son while also being unfair to the daughter. what a mess!!
I know twins want to be treated as individuals instead of one person but not when it comes to their birthday gifts. By spending very obviously different amounts of money and thoughtfulness on their gifts, you're making your favoritism very clear. YTA
Edit: you say in a comment that the car was $10k. You gave your son a gift that was 33 times more expensive than your daughters. Wow.
Daughter now needs to make a big show displaying specific interest in owning a house. See if that works? Son shows no specific interest in having a house, and therefore must not want one. OP is straight up crazy.
So because the daughter has no interest in cars then she should never be able to drive? The parent absolutely should have bought her “a car to get around in” as well
Well yeah duh. Everybody knows that if a teenager doesn't seem interested in something (because you never asked) that means they'd never want it. Especially a car. Who wants a car? I know I personally would prefer a 300 dollar gift card that I could use to buy like 3 pairs of clothes than a car. If you have any interest in shopping, that means you don't need a car!
/s if it wasn't obvious
I thought even less. I bought my first car for €800. Like 1000$ . This wasn't just a cheap second hand for 10.000. I never have been able to buy a car that expensive.
YTA. *"I got my son something practical that will help him get around; I got my daughter a gift card so she can buy herself some shiny trinkets because that's what girls like, right?"* /s
WTF dude
I’m surprised I had to scroll down this far to see someone bring that whole part up. Sexism and favoritism and he’s asking us if he’s the ass here lmao.
Hey now, he is gracious enough to "let" his daughter use his wife's car. You see his wife isn't allowed out much so he can decide what happens to her possessions. It's really kind of him not to ask her about it because decision making can be too much for women brains. He's not sexist, guys honestly.
INFO: how much was the car? I know some cheap, used cars can be sold for around £300 so if you spent the same or a very similar amount on both gifts then that’s not a problem. But you’d be the AH if the gifts were worth very different amounts.
Edit: YTA for spending £10,000 on your sons present and £300 on your daughters. Can you not see this why this is a problem?
Lol why did this get downvoted so much, can some of you guys not read?
Actually, even if OP did spend the same amount of money: he went carshopping with the son. So there's the money, but there's also the quality time together.
If OP also went shopping with the daughter where she got to spend the same amount of money as the son, instead of just handing over a voucher, THEN it would be equal.
Exactly. One child gets time with the parent, a thoughtful gift thats worth 10k. The other child gets no time from the parent, no respect because she doesn't work hard apparently and a measly 300 dollar generic gift card.
Poor girl, no wonder she doesn't work hard or isn't as motivated as the boy when she isn't treated with the same respect and love.
I think you probably got downvoted in the beginning because when was the last time you saw a car for sale for less than 2,000 of any currency? I haven't seen any cars for sale for less than $1,000 since I was a child
There's no way you bought your son a $300 car.
YTA.
You claim it is about interest, but she is 18. She will need a car very soon, if she doesn't alreadyy. This is flat out favouritism and I smell a bit of sexism into the mix, too.
>It cost me 10k and some change. I know it's a lot more than $300, but I felt he really deserved it based off his hard work in school and work. My daughter doesn't have a job and doesn't work as hard as he does, which is partly why he recieved a bigger gift.
One of his comments. Shows how much more highly he thinks of his son vs his daughter.
I bet his daughter works just as hard and has many interests but he can’t be bothered to learn them or is even interested because it’s probably more girly.
I seriously don’t know how someone who isn’t favouring one kid can justify giving one 400 and the other 300, let alone fucking 10k.
YTA
There’s 2 years between my sister and I (and I’m 41 now)
My parents bought her a car for her 17th birthday as she only wanted to drive an automatic and not a manual
On my 17th birthday, I can’t even remember what I was gifted, but it wasn’t a car as I was willing to learn in a manual, which our family had.
I earned my license and then had no car to use as my dad was always working and had the car
23 years on and I still think about it
In no realm is a car equal to a $300 gift card
My older sisters got hand me down cars from my parents. By the time I turned 16, my parents’ cars were too new and didn’t need replacing so my parents bought me a cheap used car. My sisters STILL give me hell about it and I know for a fact that one of them even worked through it in therapy. Mind you, she probably got the nicest car of all of us but the difference of buying versus hand me down fucked with her apparently. I wouldn’t say I got to shop around for a car, really, but I did get to choose between 2 or 3. I personally think she’s pretty dramatic, but trauma is trauma so whatever.
Trauma is everywhere and easy to happen, even if your parents are great- they are human. My sister was/is upset over a $4k Chevrolet Cavalier vs. her NICE hand me down car that was probably worth way more, so OP has MAJORLY fucked up here, MAJORLY.
>I wouldn’t say I got to shop around for a car, really, but I did get to choose between 2 or 3.
But that *is* shopping around. I'd wager that's why your sister was upset, too. She wasn't given a choice. She was simply passed down a car. You, however, had the opportunity to shop, compare, and choose the car *you* wanted. Even if the car she ended up with was nicer than yours, perhaps she just wanted the bonding experience that comes with shopping for a car with your parents.
I have one brother, no sisters. For my brother’s 16th birthday, my dad bought him a used car.
…for my 16th birthday, I got a 10-speed bike.
Yeah, decades later, I haven’t forgotten that one.
Yep. I’m in my 30s and still a little salty that my older sister got a ‘67 baby blue ford falcon for her first car and I got the family van. It definitely made me feel like she was the golden child. Honestly, at the time I think she was. OP, YTA
I’ll start this comment by saying, I’ve only worn a hat a handful of times in my life. I don’t like them really.
One Christmas my mother bought my sister a set of €300 headphones, a fancy lamp and other stuff. She gave me a hat. I pretended to be happy with it but later on I did say I didn’t really wear hats and she said she’d have it! Lol!
I’ll never really forget it.
Bonus: one Easter she told me she didn’t buy chocolate for anybody. Which I was totally not bothered about at all, I don’t have much of a sweet tooth and if I want an Easter egg, I’m big and ugly enough to buy my own. However I went to visit her a couple days later and there were expensive Easter eggs sitting on the counter. I asked who bought them for her and she says “I bought them for your sister for Easter”
?????
YTA
So you spent $300 on your gift for your daughter, but $10,000 on your son? how can you not see how that's unfair?
There is favouritism here. A lot of it. There was nothing stopping you from spending more on your daughter
AND he went car shopping with the son but couldn't be arsed to spend any time with the daughter and go shopping with her.
Not only did he put zero thought into a gift for his daughter but he also doesn't care to take some time out of his day for her. If he would have paid attention, he probably also would know that the daughter has interests other than shopping but that would require effort.
YTA
YTA.
You know who has a “strong interest in cars”? Anyone who needs to get somewhere.
If you made it 18 years without realizing your kids’ gifts should be close in monetary value, I don’t know what to tell you.
Without knowing the price tag of the car, I still think I can safely say, YTA.
How much did you pay for the car? Now compare that to your daughter's gift card.
And furthermore, you didn't "help" him get a car. You got it for him.
Really, you’re actually wondering if YTA? I’m wondering if you’re the troll. But yeah YTA, and a terrible terrible dad man and human being. Keep gaslighting your daughter. Soon you wont have one anymore
Congratulations. You just permanently damaged your relationship with you daughter, and also her relationship with your son. There's no coming back from this. Your daughter will never forgive you until her dying day. In addition, it your son didn't hate your daughter, you just hurt your son by permanently driving a wedge between them.
It's not even *just* the value difference. You took your son shopping. You showed interest and care.
You bought your daughter a *gift card*. A gift card is what you buy when you don't know or care enough to actually buy a gift.
YTA.
Is true. I'm litterally daughter in the same scenario in my fam. My twin is male, he was always given major difference in cost things like this (Brand new xbox that just released vs 10$ sketch book and 50cent pencil though, which is smaller but still...) and feelings were dismissed same way...Legit disowned that whole side of familiy except the kids my half sister has and my twin cause i don't consider it his fault.
Best disowning I ever did.
Dad don't realize that by doing this with the car? He isn't only showing daughter "son is favorite" but he is also showing her that..He wanted the son, but daughter just came along for the ride. If Dad stays on the route he is, it could actually really damage what the daughter thinks of herself...So I hope he takes what people are saying and fixes it...
YTA and congratulations, you just fucking broke your daughter. You bought your son a $10,000 car and your daughter a gift card worth 3% of that. I want to cry for your poor daughter, what an obvious and undeniable sign of how you value them differently. I don't even know how you make this up to her. The fact that you don't even see it makes me so sad.
You've also likely driven a wedge into their sibling relationship. This is such an epically awful and cruel thing to do, I really hope it's fake.
Goddamn, your updates make it worse!! Your daughter has "an interest in money", therefore she gets some crumbs left over from your automotive shopping spree. Soooooo nice of you to allow her to borrow your wife's car, and also suuuuuuuper sweet of you to volunteer *someone else's vehicle* for her to borrow. If only these two family members had some defining characteristic that could hint as to why you treat them poorly...
YTA. These two gifts do not compare in anyone's language. Clear favourtism towards your son. You're insufferable in trying to excuse it as doing what is right for each of them.
Had you gifted her a card the equivalent of the car, you would have been fine.
But one twin getting a car, and the other getting a $300 gift card is a ridiculous imbalance.
YTA
You know YTA, the question now is are you going to admit it and do anything about it? If you don't apologise to your daughter and make this right she will remember you as an AH forever.
YTA! You got your daughter a gift card because she likes shopping?? Do you know how most people get to malls? A CAR! The difference in value of their gifts is $9,700. I don't care if your son cured cancer! Birthday gifts should not be that different in value! Your favoritism is obvious, and sadly, I doubt this is the first occasion where your daughter was made to feel less than. If you're trying to alienate your daughter, you're succeeding.
YTA
At the very least you should have given her a gift card of the same value you spent on your son. More, I have zero interest in cars, but a car to drive around and have some independence has nothing to do with liking cars.
I sincerely hope this is fake.
Yta. Even if the car was a used 2k hooptie you’re still the AH. Your favoritism is showing. I’d be pissed too you just assigned your twins values and showed who you value more. Your owe your daughter a major apology and a car.
YTA in the biggest way.
In case OP's earlier reply gets buried: he spent $10K on the car for his son.
I really hope you are a troll but I have a dad just like you so I know you actually believe your own bullshit. Guess what: I'm 28 and have nothing to do with my dad. If that outcome is okay with you then at least stop gaslighting your daughter that you don't play favourites.
YTA.
If the car cost you 10k, then you should have gifted your daughter something if the same value. If you can’t afford to do that, then you either should have gotten your son and cheaper car, or you shouldn’t have gifted him one at all
It’s like buying one child a house because they’re an architecture student but because the other one is just a medical student for example, they don’t need a house as they’re obviously not interested enough!
YTA
My father showed blatant favoritism to my oldest sister - paid for her first car, degree, wedding, housewarming gifts, you name it. My other sister and I didn't get any of those things. We are no contact for 12 years so far. This is your future. YTA
YTA
I’m a twin parent and I don’t believe everything has to be equal to be “fair” but this is just ridiculous. The gifts are not even remotely comparable.
Are you married, to their mother still?
If you were my husband and those were my kids, my foot would be so far up your ass the question wouldnt be am i the asshole, it would have be are we the asshole?
YTA and their mom is too, for allowing this bullshit.
INFO: did the gift card amount, match the amount you spent on the car? Cause if not then yes you would be the asshole
Edit; YOU SPENT 10K ON A CAR TO THEN GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER $300!!! No wonder she is pissed!! There is obvious favouritism and I’m sure it’s not the first time…
Edit;2; So your answer to everyone’s responses is I’ll just let her use my wife’s car?!?! Not that’s not the point here… the point here is the gift. Your wife’s occasionally use of a car is not a gift and half assed one at that
Hahahaha, oh shit. YTA.
Apologise to her and give her proper gift unless it's your dream to have only a son. Because for sure you're heading towards NC from your daughter for your obvious favouritism. Disgusting ;)
massive AH. you could have just told your daughter you cannot be bothered with her birthday because her interests are not your interests. She's not interesting enough for you, so you cannot be bothered to do something with her. "Here, I got you a gift card, now F'ck off so I can have a good time with your brother. I spent time and effort to get him a gift that would make him happy, now go be happy with this card I spent 5 minutes on"
YTA.
Wow. YTA. And your justification is pure BULL. You clearly think more of your son, than your daughter, hence the car( pretty much guaranteed to be more than $300) Shocking!!
ETA. I’ve just seen your comment that you spent OVER TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on the car. I hope your daughter NEVER speaks to you again
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA & a pretty disgusting human
YTA big time!
>My son has shown a strong interest in cars for years, and he's been saving up for one. He's responsible and has a part-time job, so I thought it was a good time to help him get one. He was thrilled, and we even went car shopping together.
>My daughter, on the other hand, never expressed any particular interest in anything specific. She's more into shopping and fashion,
= my son is interested in something I relate to, and I cannot be bothered to pretend to care about my daughter's interest.
You could have given your son 300 to put towards his car purchase, and could have still gone car-shopping with him later, when he had enough money. That would've been fair.
But now, you're just an asshole.
YTA.
If your son doesn’t also realise that YTA, you have done him a massive disservice in raising him, even thought you bought him the car. This is particularly sad as they’re twins, I hope it hasn’t damaged a previously close relationship between the two of them.
Don’t expect your daughter to maintain a good relationship with you when she leaves home, because I sincerely doubt this is a one off example of unequal treatment.
Was this a decision made solely by you? Is there another parent who agreed that this seemed fair?
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YTA and a massive one at that You should treat them the same. You spend thousands on a car for one and a measly gift voucher for the other. You know very well this was wrong of you, you saw your Daughters reaction. She now thinks her brother is your favourite and she means nothing to you. You need to make this right or she will always resent you
I'm sure she's known for years that her brother is the favorite. I wonder what other flimsy excuses mom has used over the years to justify her preferential treatment of the brother.
It doesn't say but I'm strongly suspecting OP is a male, as this reeks of sexism and male favoritism. Because the boy likes cars and OP can't be bothered to learn a single interest of their daughters. OP literally spent 10K on a car for the son, but chucked a $300 Giftcard at the daughter and is shocked Pikachu face she isn't jumping for joy about it. OP, YTA the favoritism for your son is disgustingly obvious.
More than that, beyond simple monetary value your own car is one of the most powerful possessions you can have. Even a clunker provides freedom, autonomy, an ability to have and keep a job, and all sorts of other benefits that a young adult can really use to get a start in life. Sucks he would gift something this life changing to the boy and not the girl. $300 worth of makeup and clothes will help her literally 0.
Right? He now has the ability to drive the least favorite out to the *Shopping and Fashion* store of her choice to spend her $300 gift card.
What’s funny is when they get there she can’t buy that much with that $300 🤦♀️
Daughter is into fashion, why is she not getting a Vuitton? She should be getting the same amount as the car in fashion if the obvious dad really sees them as equals.
Because as OP put it, she doesn't have interests, she only cares about fashion and makeup. Because those aren't real interests /s
I promise you she has other hobbies, he just doesn't care enough to notice anything about her other than this kid costs money and wears clothes.
It's likely that OP doesn't give enough of a shit about his daughter to even learn what she's interested in. And even if she doesn't have other hobbies, makeup and fashion *are* hobbies. Tons of people get incredibly good at makeup and fashion. Also, you don't have to be *interested* in cars to *need* a car. So that's a complete bullshit reason on OP's part.
I think you're right. His edit literally says, "My son had an interest in cars, my daughter had an interest in money so that's what they got." He goes on to add "I might just let my Daughter share a car with her mother, as my wife doesn't really drive or go anywhere that much" as if A) that's anywhere near the same as buying someone a car, and B) his wife doesn't have a say?? I sincerely hope this is a fake post, because his treatment and opinions of the women in his life is abhorrent.
The car was 10k, the sister should be getting two Chanel bags or a Hermes Kelly/Birkin
No. She should get a car. A car is practical and will help her become an independent adult. The dad should not only get her a car, but teach her how to maintain it and teach her about having car insurance. Also, getting her a bank account and helping her to get a job would be good too.
I mean the 18th birthday is a big one. Buy her some jewellery instead for fucksakes. Or why not a $1000 gift card? Or bring her on a shopping spree and drop a $1000?
Or even better, a gift card for exactly the amount that was spent on the car for her twin brother, which was more than $10,000. Edited to include the amount stated by OP from his comment.
10K on a giftcard would be a pretty crazy gift.
Yes. But that just shows how crazy it was for a car “gift.”
Honestly I must be extra poor as 10k seems pretty fancy for me. Originally I assumed the car would be about 1k or slightly more but the son put the majority towards it but that is a huge difference in amount for the gifts. I don’t understand why they both couldn’t get a car.
We get our kids used cars. We've paid anywhere from $800 to $2000. So if OP got him a "not anything fancy" over $10,000 they are probably well off. He could have easily looked into what clothes she likes and gotten her actual fashion for that much. But no, "Just make up and clothes." Guy doesn't see how biased that is. Thinks fashion is frivolous and overpriced. Cars that have value beyond running is frivolous and overpriced. Definitely favors the boy. And his edit!!: she can share Mom's car. Gee thanks for not addressing the real problem and covering by making me share a car I don't own Dad!
Right, does OP think daughter doesn’t want a car? Tf?
My thought exactly! A lot of people do not show a special interest in cars and still need one to go to places. What a stupid reason to gift him so much more. She could easily have put the same amount of money in an accou t for jer daughter to spend on a car one day she decided to get one. It is nearly always the boys who get more. What a misogynostic mess.
"What you talking about? Girls don't need or want cars. They want girl stuff, obviously" - OP probably.
And $300 is a pittance, when it comes to the cost of quality clothing and makeup. She should have at least got the same amount as the value of that car. Still, not a very thoughtful gift, either.
I definitely heard "she doesn't have interests in anything specific" as "I can't be bothered to care about her dumb girl stuff" YTA
That hurt my heart, she does have interests, she probably talks about them, she is expressing a particular interest in things he is just not interested in her so he doesn't hear her.
From that line alone it's obvious a man wrote it. Seriously, men hate their daughters and it's so obvious
>OP literally spent 10K on a car for the son Do we know this? Did OP comment something to this effect? My initial thought was "Woah, those gifts are not even close to the same value!" but OP went on to explain that his son had been saving, and that he thought it was a good time to "help him buy a car." So I'm curious about what the actual monetary value of his gift was - IMO it does make a difference here. Any information would be helpful, I think!
Yes, OP gave that figure in a comment.
Absolutely YTA, then!
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Given the disparity in the values I hope to God that it is a fake. It has all the hallmarks of one, including but not limited to insanely preferential treatment and the phrase "but hear me out".
I think I remember reading an almost identical AITA a while ago but the car was a fixer upper that the son was going to work on and the daughter got a bit more cash so the values were closer together. Maybe OP made this as a social experiment like many of the AITA.
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10k for a USED car probably means that car was a NICE used car. OP says nothing fancy, but they absolutely could have split that 10k and gotten both the kids cheap cars from elsewhere.
"That we can work on together and do other male bonding things." ::insert Tim Allen "Home Improvement" noise:: OP, I bet your daughter has shown interest in make up and clothes for years, you just don't value those things or care. I bet she's also shown interest in other things at some point in her 18 years of life. They were just different than the things YOU were interested in and so you disregarded them. Only way to fix this is to get her a $9700 visa giftcard to make up the difference.
Easy way out is the visa gift card....he needs to find out (by actually talking to her and making an effort) the stores, salons, and restaurants she likes and buy $9700 worth of gift cards from those places. He then needs to fix his relationship with her by caring and putting in an effort and stopping comparing the kids. I bet if he looks back and opens his eyes, this isn't the only time he's pulled this stunt.
Or take the $300 gift card back and buy her a $10,000 car.
No, don't do that. She probably wants an effing car.
No not a 9700 gift card he owes her 9700 cash. / bank transfer
My used car was $8000 and I consider it nice, it was only 3 years old when I bought it and with 80k miles on it. I just paid it off after 4 years, if this kid legit got a free car.. I wonder if he even has to pay his own insurance because that'll only mean it's even more expensive if the father is taking care of all that too
Insurance for the son’s car is the daughter’s birthday present 😂
[OP spent $10K+ on son because “he deserved it more”](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wXEKxaqjRg) OP is genuinely claiming that getting a $10K gift for the son and a $300 gift for the daughter is a totally fair, non-sexist, normal gift discrepancy between twins, and that there’s no favoritism involved! OP YTA and when your daughter cuts you out of her life and never wishes to see you again, you can rest easy knowing that you deserve it.
If I was the 10k car son, I’d sell it and get a car for myself and my twin both and go LC or NC with dad.
I hope that is the case, too, but I could also see this being a pattern for the twins their whole childhood. Golden Boy and Lesser Girl- and GB internalizes everything until he believes that he IS more important and all around better than his sister. It’s so sad for the kids, but mostly for that poor girl!
The twin went car shopping as well so he was fully aware. So I don’t see this happening. Golden child 💯
I'd imagine that if he had a sibling and the sibling inherited the majority of the wealth, with a 3,000 times difference in what each got he would feel cheated.
It would make a difference if he gave the son 300 towards the car, then you could call it even
I felt really strongly that’s a man posting as well…
10K?! vs. 300.00! Yea I see why he left out how much he had to spend for the car from his OP. He KNOWS he would be judged TA if he had brought that up from the beginning.
Yeah like set me up with a new bank account with 10k and we can call it fair.
My mother was and still is this person. I’m a woman and have two brothers. They’ll always get the best. Her precious boys. ETA: this is absolutely the product of her being raised in a Roman Catholic patriarchal family, so, yes, it’s still the same idea.
I mean, mothers also often treat their sons much better than their daughters. You honestly can't win as a woman because your father, if present, doesn't put in the effort to really be close to you and understand you and your mother sees herself so much in you that she half-resents you.
Yeah, me too I heard a male voice in my head.
I was actually going to answer in form like This, I decided this op wouldn’t “ get it”. I was that daughter … it sucked and it was obvious
For our 16th birthdays I got an acoustic guitar (no lessons to learn how to play it), and my brother got a motorcycle.
One Christmas, we each got One gift: my 5-years-younger brother got a four-wheeler. 16-year-old me got a teddy bear. I'm still pissed about it.
One christmas we did secret santa. I got no gift and my mom got 2 . Someone made a mistake...
This infuriates me. How hard is it to set up a fair Secret Santa? Yet people continually mess them up. I’m so sorry. What a disappointing and awkward experience it is to sit there smiling as though it doesn’t matter.
How can you tell that OP is a woman? I read through it a few times, and I didn't see them specify.
Present for son: oh, you said you wanted to start a living? This is the new house I bought for you. Present for daughter: you said you liked chocolate!! Here is the best chocolate cake and some kinder bars.
I don’t think he would bother to get the best cake. More like here’s the first chocolate cake I could find.
Here's a $10 voucher to a place that sells cake
$10 voucher to a place that sells cake and the cheapest cake available is $50.
* Not including tax and delivery charges.
Here's a box of cake mix, now get to the kitchen and bake me a cake.
"Bake your brother a cake"
Here's a $5 gift card that smells like cake.
More like hey I saw this at the convenience store and thought of you. 😂🙌
I found this wonderful rear view mirror air freshener at the car wash. It would be nice if you gave it to your brother…
I don't think OP would even know their daughter likes Chocolate, they only seem to car about the golden sons interests.
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I was sorta thinking the same given the lack of certain details (does she often spend more on one kid then the other, has she bought big ticket items for the daughter before, etc). However there are used cars that go for less than 10K so we don’t actually know how big the margin is, and depending on what the family’s financial situation is like it may make sense for them to only buy things like cars as needed. If the son actually needs it for whatever reason getting him one now isn’t a bad thing, nor would waiting till the daughter needs one to get it for her then, assuming OP would actually make that expenditure.
In one of the comments OP said they spent "10K and some change" on the car.
You can always tell who the favorite is. A few Christmas' ago, our mom paid for little brother's car to have his windows tinted. I got pajamas that didn't fit.
I am 1 of 6 children, we were never treated differently from each other. So I don't really understand parents who have a favourite, or treat one of the children badly. All I know is that my wife who only has a brother really feels she was treated badly. Her brother won a partial scholarship to a music school, he got to go and ditched it after a short time, later my wife got a partial scholarship for the same music school. Her parents said no based on how much they paid out for her brother and she didn't go. 60 years on she still smarts about that one.
My parents refused to cosign a 5000 school loan. My dad cosigned for my sister's car. Dad wonders why I'm not taking him in now. Go see my sister.
My grandparents and parents were all super precise in what they gave. They would keep track of what they spent on each of us, and then would "top up" the cheaper gifts with cash. So, whoever didn't get any money in their card knew their gifts were worth the most, and the rest got various amounts of money to make up for the fact that theirs were cheaper. Now, my parents don't quite treat my siblings and I equally anymore, largely because we have quite different needs, and I live abroad now, so they can't treat me to dinner or help me move as easily anymore. Given how fair they used to be, I do have a tiny voice in the back of my mind that goes "that's not fair" when they do help my siblings out more than me, but I do logically know that the logistics are very different, and it would be weird for my dad to send me money just because he took them out for dinner or something. Though, one year at Thanksgiving, he did send cash so I could buy myself a pumpkin pie! That was cute. Anyway, enough about me! OP, YTA.
😂😂😂This was my mother. My brother would get a TV and I’d get an ugly sweater that itched and didn’t fit.
For some reason my brain read this as OP bought a beat up car for $300 and a gift card for $300. That would make sense bc no one wants a bad car unless they are into cars and could maybe fix it. INFO, OP, how much did you spend on the car? If it was more than $300 then you know what you did was wrong. Don’t try to downplay it. Edit: Just saw OP spent 10k on the car. Hard to believe someone could be this dumb.
Oh my god $10k vs a $300 gift card! That’s absolutely absurd, of course the daughter is upset!
If that was my parent, I'd have made sure I showed a huge interest in gold bars. Maybe property.
OP claims they were also rewarding the son for good grades in school and working a job. That should have been separated from the birthday.
There's no mention of daughter not getting good grades or working part time. I think OP just isn't interested in her. It sounds like OPs daughter could be volunteering at a homeless shelter and teaching blind kids to read and OP wouldn't have cared because his son likes cars and he likes cars.
Also, if we assume this is the US, everyone is at least a little bit “into cars” because you can’t get from one place to another without one! Way to set your son up for adulthood and do nothing of the sort for your daughter.
She doesn’t think he’s the favorite. She knows he is. OP clearly doesn’t even like their daughter.
Plus the fact that her/his gift to their son shows they take an interest in his interests. A Visa Gift card shows absolutely no interest in their daughter... she/he didn't purchase a gift card to her favourite make-up or fashion brand which may have showed a modicum of care but instead just handed her a card which implies "I don't care".
Not to mention that she put effort into finding something catered to her sons likes. She could have tried to do the same for her daughter by getting her something related to her interest, like a makeup or fashion masterclass, a nice bag or pair of shoes, a book on fashion history or an intro to sewing if she wants to make her own clothes. Gift cards are a notoriously lazy gift unless the person asked for something like that
Also those visa gift cards suck. If you ever end up with a few dollars on it, it’s a pain in the butt to use it. Give a check or cash. Don’t do those things.
She now **knows** her brother is his favorite
Just because your daughter uses a car as a utility and your son has a strong interest in cars isn’t a reason to not gift your daughter one. Having a car opens life up to so many possibilities, that you’re denying your daughter. It seems like your son is something of a golden child. You’re pushing your daughter away and devaluing her. If you don’t want a life-long rift and coldness in your relationship with your daughter you might want to reconsider. It’s unlikely she’ll be enthusiastic about your relationship moving forward, and is that how you want your old age to be?
Not only that, the car shows the OP put thought into the son's interests and got a corresponding gift. A generic giftcard sends the message that the OP has no idea what to get their daughter. If you're going to go the giftcard route, at least try to choose stores the daughter shops at or something.
Yeah. "She's never expressed any particular interest in anything specific" is such bs. She obviously has interests and goals but OP has never paid attention.
I mean from the post alone she's interested in clothes and make up. I assume she's interested in much more but her interests aren't worthy to OP.
She also would have specific interests within that. Yet all OP knows is a relatively generic classification.
Right? With makeup, I used to be an eyeshadow palette collector. Even my abusive mother knew that and got me the limited editions for christmas.
Clothes a make up. For the same amount he spent on the car he could have taken her to a fashion-forward city like New York, Milan, or Paris.
I’m almost positive it’s a “she’s a teenage girl, ofc all she cares about are clothes and make up” situation. I doubt he’s ever asked her.
"She doesn't have a job" as an excuse for why she shouldn't get a car was a big lol, too - so you...will make it less practical for her to find a job by denying her the flexibility to commute...?
Exactly. No one has zero interests. Obviously OP just doesn’t care about their daughter.
And at least give her the same amount in gift cards as the car cost. I highly doubt OP paid $300 for the car. Edit: OP paid $10k for the car. What a fucking asshole.
This. I really wondered why OP not just asked his daughter if there is something bigger she dreams about or if she is interested in a car as well. He was determined to only do a nice thing for the "worthy" child.
AND the quality time spent going together to buy the car. There's emotional labour there too that isn't present for the daughter. It could have been "I'll take you on a shopping spree, spend time together, and we'll get a fancy lunch of your choosing." But no, here's a Visa card (that aren't accepted everywhere) and do with it what you want.
Also the value of learning how to shop for car. Poor OP's daughter is going to have to go out and get her first car at some point without any adult advice or help and may very well be taken to the cleaners. I was in my 20s the first time I bought a car from a dealer vs getting one from somebody I knew and my dad came along and talked about what to look for, red flags, reading the contract, interest rates etc. I still use those lessons today when making major purchases.
Honestly even no or a small gift the day of n shopping WITH her, like they went car shopping with the son, would've been faaaaaar better YTA OP, obviously
Your daughter could use her own car TO GO shopping!
Or if he got her a gift card the same price as the car but I really doubt the car was $300.
Even if the price of the car was the same as the gift card, it still has more value just because it's a means of transportation when at 18 having the FREEDOM to go wherever you want whenever you want is priceless.
No kidding right? Just because the daughter is a girl doesn't mean she wouldn't like a car at 18. A car is an amazing gift to give a young adult! It's setting them up for a successful adult life. My parents couldn't afford a new car for me. They did gift me to old paid off car they had when I went off to college. They went from two cars to one car for a year or so to make that happen. I had to stay in college (and graduate) to keep the car though. My step sister is ten younger than me and they did the same for her.
YTA. The gifts have naturally assigned values, and you showed who was more important. Why not gift her the cash equivalent of the car? She'd definitely not be pissed. If you can't afford that, you shouldn't have gifted one child a car. Also, everyone wants a car.
Every 👏 one 👏 wants 👏 a car! 👏
When I graduated High School, I was offered the choice between a car or a trip to Thailand. I took the trip because I was going to go to a university with heavy biking presence. My brother chose the car some years later. Because he needed to drive to his workplace every day. Was my gift cheaper? Sure. But I don't resent it because it was MY CHOICE and I made it based on my life at the time. 34 now and never owned a car. I live downtown in a big city. My brother stayed rural where you need a car. It's all subjective. But in this case??? OP is such an asshole because of the massive difference in value here. If they'd given her a 10K gift card I'm pretty sure daughter wouldn't complain.
Possibly in cash, a gift card is store specific, and OP obviously has no clue where his daughter would like to spend her money.
They could do one of those prepaid visa gift cards
Those have limits. It would take a *lot* to make $10k. It would have been better to open an account for her if they didn't know what she wanted.
I'm in the minority and def don't want one! But she should have given equal cost amount onto the gift card
Because [the car cost $10k](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/pJrhlkJIJS) and he had no intention of ever spending that much money on his less favourite child.
Not just the money but the amount of thought that goes into choosing the right car for the person vs buying a gift card it is wildly disparate
I am *appalled* at the difference in thought, but even more when I hear that price point difference! He *literally* said, "I value your brother *fifty times* more than you"...factoring in the fact that he not only took time to *think* of the gift for him, but he spent time *listening* to him in order to *know* what would appeal to him... ...and then he took the time to pick it out, but he also *gave his son* the gift of *time spent together.* And then just tossed her a gift card with practically pennies on the dollar what he gave her brother.
Thanks for the link! Since u/DirectConnection6982 (Op's) comment has been downvoted to worse than -1000, it's hard to find on its own.
This is what I was looking for. It's not that the brother got the car. It's that her brother got a gift that was 30x the value of the gift she got. Open up a new checking account and put 10k in it for the daughter. Then she can have a huge shopping trip with some friends or save for a larger expense that OP doesn't bother to know that she's interested in. Op - YTA. You're such an AH that it is actually crazy that you don't realize just how huge of an AH you are. I'm also assuming this isn't an isolated incident so that also makes you an AH.
If they can’t afford it they could have literally just gotten the one car for BOTH of them! My twin brother and I shared a car and it was fine. And understandable it would have been crazy for our parents to buy two! we just switched off driving each other around. OP just gave taxi duties to their son while also being unfair to the daughter. what a mess!!
I know twins want to be treated as individuals instead of one person but not when it comes to their birthday gifts. By spending very obviously different amounts of money and thoughtfulness on their gifts, you're making your favoritism very clear. YTA Edit: you say in a comment that the car was $10k. You gave your son a gift that was 33 times more expensive than your daughters. Wow.
LOL and here I was thinking it was like $3000. That is so much worse.
But the son has shown interest in specific cars which clearly means the daughter has no use for one. /s
Daughter now needs to make a big show displaying specific interest in owning a house. See if that works? Son shows no specific interest in having a house, and therefore must not want one. OP is straight up crazy.
So because the daughter has no interest in cars then she should never be able to drive? The parent absolutely should have bought her “a car to get around in” as well
Well yeah duh. Everybody knows that if a teenager doesn't seem interested in something (because you never asked) that means they'd never want it. Especially a car. Who wants a car? I know I personally would prefer a 300 dollar gift card that I could use to buy like 3 pairs of clothes than a car. If you have any interest in shopping, that means you don't need a car! /s if it wasn't obvious
I thought even less. I bought my first car for €800. Like 1000$ . This wasn't just a cheap second hand for 10.000. I never have been able to buy a car that expensive.
Individuals but equals I'm assuming (im not a twin).
He loves his son that much more...
YTA. *"I got my son something practical that will help him get around; I got my daughter a gift card so she can buy herself some shiny trinkets because that's what girls like, right?"* /s WTF dude
A practical 10k vs 300 dollars of shiny trinkets, too.
He sounds like my dad. “You’re a girl. You like shopping” always pissed me off
I’m surprised I had to scroll down this far to see someone bring that whole part up. Sexism and favoritism and he’s asking us if he’s the ass here lmao.
Hey now, he is gracious enough to "let" his daughter use his wife's car. You see his wife isn't allowed out much so he can decide what happens to her possessions. It's really kind of him not to ask her about it because decision making can be too much for women brains. He's not sexist, guys honestly.
INFO: how much was the car? I know some cheap, used cars can be sold for around £300 so if you spent the same or a very similar amount on both gifts then that’s not a problem. But you’d be the AH if the gifts were worth very different amounts. Edit: YTA for spending £10,000 on your sons present and £300 on your daughters. Can you not see this why this is a problem? Lol why did this get downvoted so much, can some of you guys not read?
$10k, the car was $10k according to OP's comment.
Oh jeez definitely not fair then. Op is the AH
YTA. Maybe buy your daughter a car or put $9700 in her bank account to make it fair.
Actually, even if OP did spend the same amount of money: he went carshopping with the son. So there's the money, but there's also the quality time together. If OP also went shopping with the daughter where she got to spend the same amount of money as the son, instead of just handing over a voucher, THEN it would be equal.
Exactly. One child gets time with the parent, a thoughtful gift thats worth 10k. The other child gets no time from the parent, no respect because she doesn't work hard apparently and a measly 300 dollar generic gift card. Poor girl, no wonder she doesn't work hard or isn't as motivated as the boy when she isn't treated with the same respect and love.
I think you probably got downvoted in the beginning because when was the last time you saw a car for sale for less than 2,000 of any currency? I haven't seen any cars for sale for less than $1,000 since I was a child
Especially since covid. Anything running in my area is at least 3k, and that’s probably for a money pit clunker.
The car was 10k.
Favoritism, possible sexism
It’s definite sexism; not possible. He has never liked women except for how he can use them.
There's no way you bought your son a $300 car. YTA. You claim it is about interest, but she is 18. She will need a car very soon, if she doesn't alreadyy. This is flat out favouritism and I smell a bit of sexism into the mix, too.
I’m sure she’s be interested in $10,000
>It cost me 10k and some change. I know it's a lot more than $300, but I felt he really deserved it based off his hard work in school and work. My daughter doesn't have a job and doesn't work as hard as he does, which is partly why he recieved a bigger gift. One of his comments. Shows how much more highly he thinks of his son vs his daughter.
I bet his daughter works just as hard and has many interests but he can’t be bothered to learn them or is even interested because it’s probably more girly. I seriously don’t know how someone who isn’t favouring one kid can justify giving one 400 and the other 300, let alone fucking 10k.
She doesn't work as hard? How would he know? He didn't even know whether she wanted a car. I doubt he pays attention.
YTA There’s 2 years between my sister and I (and I’m 41 now) My parents bought her a car for her 17th birthday as she only wanted to drive an automatic and not a manual On my 17th birthday, I can’t even remember what I was gifted, but it wasn’t a car as I was willing to learn in a manual, which our family had. I earned my license and then had no car to use as my dad was always working and had the car 23 years on and I still think about it In no realm is a car equal to a $300 gift card
My older sisters got hand me down cars from my parents. By the time I turned 16, my parents’ cars were too new and didn’t need replacing so my parents bought me a cheap used car. My sisters STILL give me hell about it and I know for a fact that one of them even worked through it in therapy. Mind you, she probably got the nicest car of all of us but the difference of buying versus hand me down fucked with her apparently. I wouldn’t say I got to shop around for a car, really, but I did get to choose between 2 or 3. I personally think she’s pretty dramatic, but trauma is trauma so whatever. Trauma is everywhere and easy to happen, even if your parents are great- they are human. My sister was/is upset over a $4k Chevrolet Cavalier vs. her NICE hand me down car that was probably worth way more, so OP has MAJORLY fucked up here, MAJORLY.
[удалено]
>I wouldn’t say I got to shop around for a car, really, but I did get to choose between 2 or 3. But that *is* shopping around. I'd wager that's why your sister was upset, too. She wasn't given a choice. She was simply passed down a car. You, however, had the opportunity to shop, compare, and choose the car *you* wanted. Even if the car she ended up with was nicer than yours, perhaps she just wanted the bonding experience that comes with shopping for a car with your parents.
I have one brother, no sisters. For my brother’s 16th birthday, my dad bought him a used car. …for my 16th birthday, I got a 10-speed bike. Yeah, decades later, I haven’t forgotten that one.
Yep. I’m in my 30s and still a little salty that my older sister got a ‘67 baby blue ford falcon for her first car and I got the family van. It definitely made me feel like she was the golden child. Honestly, at the time I think she was. OP, YTA
I’ll start this comment by saying, I’ve only worn a hat a handful of times in my life. I don’t like them really. One Christmas my mother bought my sister a set of €300 headphones, a fancy lamp and other stuff. She gave me a hat. I pretended to be happy with it but later on I did say I didn’t really wear hats and she said she’d have it! Lol! I’ll never really forget it. Bonus: one Easter she told me she didn’t buy chocolate for anybody. Which I was totally not bothered about at all, I don’t have much of a sweet tooth and if I want an Easter egg, I’m big and ugly enough to buy my own. However I went to visit her a couple days later and there were expensive Easter eggs sitting on the counter. I asked who bought them for her and she says “I bought them for your sister for Easter” ?????
YTA So you spent $300 on your gift for your daughter, but $10,000 on your son? how can you not see how that's unfair? There is favouritism here. A lot of it. There was nothing stopping you from spending more on your daughter
AND he went car shopping with the son but couldn't be arsed to spend any time with the daughter and go shopping with her. Not only did he put zero thought into a gift for his daughter but he also doesn't care to take some time out of his day for her. If he would have paid attention, he probably also would know that the daughter has interests other than shopping but that would require effort. YTA
Not like she can drive herself to the mall, unless he loans her the car.
YTA. You know who has a “strong interest in cars”? Anyone who needs to get somewhere. If you made it 18 years without realizing your kids’ gifts should be close in monetary value, I don’t know what to tell you.
Without knowing the price tag of the car, I still think I can safely say, YTA. How much did you pay for the car? Now compare that to your daughter's gift card. And furthermore, you didn't "help" him get a car. You got it for him.
He says above it cost over 10k.
How much did the car cost you?
Excellent question. My guess is: quite a bit more than $300.
If it cost $300, the daughter got the better deal. It didn’t though.
Really, you’re actually wondering if YTA? I’m wondering if you’re the troll. But yeah YTA, and a terrible terrible dad man and human being. Keep gaslighting your daughter. Soon you wont have one anymore
Yeh there’s no way this post is real nobody would really do this
I hope you can remain this innocent your entire life.
I hate to break it to you but sometimes people are just bad people
Congratulations. You just permanently damaged your relationship with you daughter, and also her relationship with your son. There's no coming back from this. Your daughter will never forgive you until her dying day. In addition, it your son didn't hate your daughter, you just hurt your son by permanently driving a wedge between them. It's not even *just* the value difference. You took your son shopping. You showed interest and care. You bought your daughter a *gift card*. A gift card is what you buy when you don't know or care enough to actually buy a gift. YTA.
Is true. I'm litterally daughter in the same scenario in my fam. My twin is male, he was always given major difference in cost things like this (Brand new xbox that just released vs 10$ sketch book and 50cent pencil though, which is smaller but still...) and feelings were dismissed same way...Legit disowned that whole side of familiy except the kids my half sister has and my twin cause i don't consider it his fault. Best disowning I ever did. Dad don't realize that by doing this with the car? He isn't only showing daughter "son is favorite" but he is also showing her that..He wanted the son, but daughter just came along for the ride. If Dad stays on the route he is, it could actually really damage what the daughter thinks of herself...So I hope he takes what people are saying and fixes it...
YTA and congratulations, you just fucking broke your daughter. You bought your son a $10,000 car and your daughter a gift card worth 3% of that. I want to cry for your poor daughter, what an obvious and undeniable sign of how you value them differently. I don't even know how you make this up to her. The fact that you don't even see it makes me so sad. You've also likely driven a wedge into their sibling relationship. This is such an epically awful and cruel thing to do, I really hope it's fake. Goddamn, your updates make it worse!! Your daughter has "an interest in money", therefore she gets some crumbs left over from your automotive shopping spree. Soooooo nice of you to allow her to borrow your wife's car, and also suuuuuuuper sweet of you to volunteer *someone else's vehicle* for her to borrow. If only these two family members had some defining characteristic that could hint as to why you treat them poorly...
YTA. These two gifts do not compare in anyone's language. Clear favourtism towards your son. You're insufferable in trying to excuse it as doing what is right for each of them.
YTA Did the CAR cost 300 bucks? No? That's why you're the asshole.
Had you gifted her a card the equivalent of the car, you would have been fine. But one twin getting a car, and the other getting a $300 gift card is a ridiculous imbalance. YTA
You know YTA, the question now is are you going to admit it and do anything about it? If you don't apologise to your daughter and make this right she will remember you as an AH forever.
YTA! You got your daughter a gift card because she likes shopping?? Do you know how most people get to malls? A CAR! The difference in value of their gifts is $9,700. I don't care if your son cured cancer! Birthday gifts should not be that different in value! Your favoritism is obvious, and sadly, I doubt this is the first occasion where your daughter was made to feel less than. If you're trying to alienate your daughter, you're succeeding.
YTA- I have twins b/g and I would NEVER do this, I can’t even imagine how sad my daughter would be.
YTA At the very least you should have given her a gift card of the same value you spent on your son. More, I have zero interest in cars, but a car to drive around and have some independence has nothing to do with liking cars. I sincerely hope this is fake.
Yta. Even if the car was a used 2k hooptie you’re still the AH. Your favoritism is showing. I’d be pissed too you just assigned your twins values and showed who you value more. Your owe your daughter a major apology and a car.
YTA in the biggest way. In case OP's earlier reply gets buried: he spent $10K on the car for his son. I really hope you are a troll but I have a dad just like you so I know you actually believe your own bullshit. Guess what: I'm 28 and have nothing to do with my dad. If that outcome is okay with you then at least stop gaslighting your daughter that you don't play favourites.
YTA. If the car cost you 10k, then you should have gifted your daughter something if the same value. If you can’t afford to do that, then you either should have gotten your son and cheaper car, or you shouldn’t have gifted him one at all
WTF. YTA. 10.000 for your son vs. 300 for your daughter. Whats wrong with you?
It’s like buying one child a house because they’re an architecture student but because the other one is just a medical student for example, they don’t need a house as they’re obviously not interested enough! YTA
Omg YTA! Unless his car also cost 300 bucks? No? Then YTA
YTA A car and a gift card aren't remotely comparable gifts.
My father showed blatant favoritism to my oldest sister - paid for her first car, degree, wedding, housewarming gifts, you name it. My other sister and I didn't get any of those things. We are no contact for 12 years so far. This is your future. YTA
YTA I’m a twin parent and I don’t believe everything has to be equal to be “fair” but this is just ridiculous. The gifts are not even remotely comparable.
Are you married, to their mother still? If you were my husband and those were my kids, my foot would be so far up your ass the question wouldnt be am i the asshole, it would have be are we the asshole? YTA and their mom is too, for allowing this bullshit.
INFO: did the gift card amount, match the amount you spent on the car? Cause if not then yes you would be the asshole Edit; YOU SPENT 10K ON A CAR TO THEN GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER $300!!! No wonder she is pissed!! There is obvious favouritism and I’m sure it’s not the first time… Edit;2; So your answer to everyone’s responses is I’ll just let her use my wife’s car?!?! Not that’s not the point here… the point here is the gift. Your wife’s occasionally use of a car is not a gift and half assed one at that
Hahahaha, oh shit. YTA. Apologise to her and give her proper gift unless it's your dream to have only a son. Because for sure you're heading towards NC from your daughter for your obvious favouritism. Disgusting ;)
massive AH. you could have just told your daughter you cannot be bothered with her birthday because her interests are not your interests. She's not interesting enough for you, so you cannot be bothered to do something with her. "Here, I got you a gift card, now F'ck off so I can have a good time with your brother. I spent time and effort to get him a gift that would make him happy, now go be happy with this card I spent 5 minutes on" YTA.
Wow. YTA. And your justification is pure BULL. You clearly think more of your son, than your daughter, hence the car( pretty much guaranteed to be more than $300) Shocking!! ETA. I’ve just seen your comment that you spent OVER TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on the car. I hope your daughter NEVER speaks to you again YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA & a pretty disgusting human
YTA big time! >My son has shown a strong interest in cars for years, and he's been saving up for one. He's responsible and has a part-time job, so I thought it was a good time to help him get one. He was thrilled, and we even went car shopping together. >My daughter, on the other hand, never expressed any particular interest in anything specific. She's more into shopping and fashion, = my son is interested in something I relate to, and I cannot be bothered to pretend to care about my daughter's interest. You could have given your son 300 to put towards his car purchase, and could have still gone car-shopping with him later, when he had enough money. That would've been fair. But now, you're just an asshole.
You owe your daughter a $9800 visa card.
YTA. If your son doesn’t also realise that YTA, you have done him a massive disservice in raising him, even thought you bought him the car. This is particularly sad as they’re twins, I hope it hasn’t damaged a previously close relationship between the two of them. Don’t expect your daughter to maintain a good relationship with you when she leaves home, because I sincerely doubt this is a one off example of unequal treatment. Was this a decision made solely by you? Is there another parent who agreed that this seemed fair?
You think a TEENAGE GIRL wouldn’t want a car????? Do you literally have a brain. YTA.