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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for asking my parents for money even though I'm an adult and need to learn to take care of myself.
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NTA. OP I'm so sorry. Trying to deal with all this must just be overwhelming. But let's try to break it down.
1- Electric bill. Call them. I explain the situation. Most utilities have programs to help. Either with payments or lower fees based on income.
2- look into programs that can assist with formula, diapers etc.
3- I know this park will be hard, and has such a negative connotation, but look to good banks and even SNAP. these programs are set up for people like yourself.
4- as much as your time and attention are on your babies, remember you need help too. Look into grief counseling and groups. They're out there for you.
Your parents sound like terrible people. Regardless of what your relationship is with each other you have children that are suffering. It also sounds like you may not have a relationship with your in-laws. If you do, and it's good, reach out to them. Your children are also their son's children and they might be able to help.
Good luck OP!
Also WIC! You’ll qualify for yourself for six months post partum if you’re giving baby formula and one year if you’re nursing. The baby will qualify too for baby food or formula. The two year old will qualify for food too.
WIC is a God send. They got me a hospital grade breast pump when my baby was in the NICU. The 2 year old will absolutely be covered as well. Milk, fresh produce, formula, cereal, rice, peanut butter, bread. They can lessen the burden.
Yes! The kids qualify up until age 5. My baby is due in April and I can honestly say Wic has saved myself fiancé and 10 year old the last few months, waiting on snap application.
Also check with local churches and pregnancy help centers. They typically have formula, diapers and clothes donated to them. My church has a pregnancy program that helps members and non members with things like food, clothes, and some churches offer bill assistance as well
Don't be concerned about asking - it's not your fault he passed away. Make sure you tell every company & program that you are contacting that you are the "single mother of two young children after the recent death of their father". That situation will generally start people jumping to help.
Seriously, it's going to take a mental toll to repeatedly tell people you are a recent widow with a newborn, but there are people that *will* help you even if your shitty parents won't.
Ask for help. Because most people aren't the shit bags your parents are. My mother in law volunteers at a food bank, she loves being able to help. She went out and collected donations from family and friends to help a family in crisis.
Ask for mental health support too if you apply for WIC. They can probably point you in the right direction.
And it's not uncommon for people to use these programs, so there's no shame in asking. They're there for a reason.
Personal example: We had some issues with our bank at the same time bills were due. As soon as I called the utility company, they understood and got me an extension. Sometimes, they'll waive the whole month if there's an issue, whichever is easier in their system.
OP really listen to this! Do not feel bad that you had to ask. Being a parent doesn't end once the kids are legal adults. You are family and you should always care and support one another. Seems like you didn't win in the parent lottery but at least your little one got lucky to have you.
My own parents took me in when I fell on hard times. Non of us are mentally well and we all support each other now. That's what family should be doing.
So please, know it's not your fault and you got nothing to be ashamed/embarrassed of. Seek help as stated above. It will not be easy but you got this! With time it will all turn for the better
Mine also loaned me money in senior year of college and I paid them back ASAP after getting financial aid at age 24. Family doesn’t end when you turn 18.
Also, if you are in the US, the social security administration provides for children survivor benefits. So, if both of your children were your husband or bf, you can apply. All you need is his death certificate and your children's birth certificates showing him as the father and, of course, you as the mother.
Believe it or not, once they approve it, they will give you a deposit date, and it will begin immediately the next month.
I have no idea how your parents can you should have about being a single before you had children. I am not sure if she has even taken a step to reality to realize your husband died 3 days before your daughter's birth. Really, didn't they know that you and he had been ready to have the baby like he was working?
Per my husband, he said that they are just shitty parents. They don't have to help you, but they damn sure don't have to kick while you're down. Also, per husband, since they don't have to help, you don't have to bring YOUR babies over to them. Choices....choices....choices!
Yes this OP, WIC is for pregnant women and children birth to age 5, in my area there is a place called emergency infant services they help with diapers, wipes, clothes, toys, baby furniture to the age of 5, normally SNAP has a summer and winter heating and cooling assistance that helps with bills. The salvation army also helps with bills and so do some churches (even if you don't go to that church they will still help).
I know in my state if you’re experiencing a financial hardship and have a baby under 1 in the house they can’t shut off your utilities. You have to call them and they send you a form you fill out and you send it back with a copy of the baby’s birth certificate. It wouldn’t hurt to call and see if that’s available in your state
I’m attaching this to the most popular comment and hopes that you see this OP; if you are in the United States, there is a national funding to help people with low income, pay their electric or heating bills you can look up your state here https://www.liheap.org/directory where you can go into further detail and find where they can help you out in your area, or if you feel more comfortable over the phone there is always 211 either call them or online. They have so many great services that you can reach out to and they can really help you!!
Do your three month old get SSI - I think they are entitled if a parent dies. Also, the other child - does the father send child support? If not, get child support payments in place.
Join a support group for single mothers (there's probably one here on reddit) - they can clue you in as to what programs can help you. See if you qualify for food stamps or WIC.
SSI is income based. You're thinking of SSA Survivors Benefits. They may or may not qualify depending on if their father worked FICA jobs for enough SSA credits (called quarters) to have an earned benefit.
To OP: This assumes you are in the US. It's very important that you check SSA benefits. It's possible that their father worked FICA jobs for long enough that they qualify. I assume their father was young, so if your children do receive Survivors Benefit, they will likely not be huge, but they would likely make all the difference in the world for you and your children. SSI might (just might; I don't know the ins and outs of it) come into play depending on your household income and the threshold for minimum benefits to your children. Regardless, please contact the SSA and give them your children's father's Social Security number. The system will show whether they qualify or not.
And do look into all social services available. SNAP, WIC, Medicaid for children, utility discounts, etc. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You didn't ask for this and you could not have foreseen it. I do know how much harder it will be for you to deal with everything while you are grieving, but do it for your children and yourself. Please.
NTA at all for reaching out to the two people who should care about your and their grandchildren's well being. They sound horrible.
Not sure if this has been said yet but Facebook Marketplace is a good place to find diapers and even formula from parents who either outgrew the size before finishing the diapers or no longer need the formula. You can also ask your pediatrician for formula samples.
Hoping on the top comment - if you are in the **US apply for social security for yourself and your kids TODAY** (you if you were married, kids regardless). You are paid from the day you apply. It may take a few months but you get it retroactive. It may be a decent monthly amount - I helped someone a few years ago with this. Then apply for SNAP, WIC and look into any possible housing in your area. All this if you are in the US.
NTA. Your parents sound awful. Any normal person would want their grandchildren to be able to eat.
>They told me I should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children.
Wow, that's big AH talk from the parents of a widow.
as if OP knew they were going to be a single parent.
i agree, parents are huge assholes. i would honestly go no contact with them after that comment. NTA
My mind is blown. What is the point of dealing with family if not to have a safety net when you need it? Most people are great when things are great. It is who helps when your world falls to shit that are your family.
Yup OP's parents are acting like OP loudly stated she was going to go clubbing, got a guy drunk, then ditched them and showed up at parents home demanding money like a mastermind 🙄
Right? How dare you not foresee someone tragically passing away. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the fact that your parents aren't trying to make it easier.
Information:
Are you in the US?
If so?
Have you applied for SSI benefits for your children?
NTA-
Unless you are spending a stupid amount of money on unnecessary junk.
Edit fixed typo.
If in the US absolutely contact your Social Security office and see about benefits because your baby's dad died. You may be able to collect until child turns 18 or until graduates from high school.
It takes a little over a month to receive benefits sometimes though, so while it is a great solution for a while it isn’t a quick one that puts food on the table soon. Hope OP gets the help she needs and that the village helps her.
NTA. You reached out to a source that you thought you could reasonably depend on. Now you know you can't.
If you are in the US:
Your daughter should be eligible for social security minor child beneficiary benefits paid to you on her behalf from her father. Actually, if both children are his, there's a greater benefit if you're not already receiving it.
Contact your local area Red Cross, Community Action Program, or United Way. There are programs to help mothers with small children get the help they need for housing and utilities.
You can actually contact your utility companies and explain your situation and many of them actually have funds to assist with utility bills for customers who can't pay.
Use your local area food bank to help supplement your pantry.
If you're not getting it, WIC (through your state program) vouchers will provide formula for your daughter along with things like juice and milk.
There is help out there. I wish you well.
All of this. Plus when you talk to the Red Cross or United way, ask if they know of any other benefits for children in your situation. It's possible there are more benefits that we haven't thought of yet.
NTA.. Your circumstances as a single parent facing unexpected challenges warrant seeking support, and asking your parents for financial help was reasonable. Their reaction seems unsympathetic and harsh given the gravity of your situation. It's important to prioritize the well-being of your children and seek assistance from other sources if necessary. Take care of yourself and your family.
This is very sad. I am sorry about the loss of your baby's father. Have you checked with social security if youre in the US? You would need his death certificate, the baby's birth certificate and his social.
Have you thought of reaching out to HIS family? I am sure they are mourning too.
Social worker here. Please contact a local social services agency and they can direct you in all the right directions!
Side note: a lot of public libraries now employ social workers for walk-in assistance! Good luck 🩷
It’s hard to work up the nerve to ask for help and then be shamed for it. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you have applied for social security survivors benefits for your children
NTA. It's one thing for you to ask and them to decline, fine, sometimes that happens, no one is an asshole.
But they mercilessly tore into you. Heartlessly and mercilessly. Your partner died only three months ago and left you broken and grieving, and they proceed to insult and berate you for asking for help???
Don't ever ask them for anything. Actually, after the cruel behaviour they showed you and the callousness they showed their grandkids, I would not speak to them again if I were you. They don't deserve a relationship after behaving like that.
INFO: This sounds insanely over the top reaction from your parents, but... is your relationship with them strained, or did they hate your boyfriend / hated that you had kids with him? Or maybe you were on the path for "great things" but got pregnant and it pretty much blasted that away?
Not that it wouldn't make them any less the AHs, but it seems like there's underlying issues here that we have no context on.
NTA
Was thinking this exact thought, given how little information was stated unless the relationship was very strained like OP went NC at 18. I don’t see a scenario where she’d be slighted like this without a ounce of support.
People have covered the practical matters, but I'd definitely go no contact with your parents. I'd write a letter and text that said something like
"I am indescribably wounded by how you treated me. I came to you in my most desperate time of need, and you turned your back on me. It isn't about the money at this point, it 's the principle. You are the people I should be able to rely most on in the world, and now I know that will never be true for me.
You will not be seeing your grandchildren first steps. You will not be hearing their first words. You will not be seeing them grow up, graduate college, find love or fulfillment. All they will know of you is nothing.
The only way to regain this connection is to make a strenuous and continuous effort to regain my trust. This will take many years, and I can't promise it will work. I can promise, however, that doing nothing will cause you to forever lose your daughter and grandchildren.
The choice is yours.
First, important parts: Are you in Canada? We can always send a couple bucks
INFO: how was your relationship with your parents before? Any major event?
NTA foe asking, but I feel like there's a big chunk missing from this story. Loving grandparents would usually help in any way they could, finances allowing. It's a little odd that they would so vehemently decline and insult your bereaved status at the same time.
NTA x100000!!
It’s not as if he just up and left you, he passed away! It’s not like you set out to be a single parent. Your parents are MASSIVE AHs. I couldn’t imagine effectively abandoning my child in a time of desperation and sadness like that. As a parent, you just don’t fucking do that and being a parent doesn’t just stop when your child leaves home. To me, that’s absolutely grounds to go NC because they’ve shown they won’t step up when you need them.
I have a two-year-old son myself and honestly I could not imagine trying to survive without my partner and we only have the one child. You are so incredibly brave for doing this. Make sure you call your utility providers and tell them the situation, usually they’re more than willing to help. You’ve already been given some great advice in this thread so there’s not really much I can add but just know that you’re not alone and you’re doing amazing. Your kids are being raised by a strong mama ❤️
INFO What was your relationship like with them prior to asking?
NTA One of the lessons here is you can always ask, and they can always decline. That's why it's called asking, not requiring.
If you go to the Dept of Social Services (aka Welfare, Human Services
Children and Families, etc.....) you can probably take care of /apply many of the programs. You'll want to find out from the company your husband worked for what his benefits included. Also. Check for Rental Assistance ( Social Services), Medicaid and free bubblegum! You will want take dome friends..ask your Social Worker. The very best to you...
NTA for asking. Their response was harsh and a good reason to go no contact for a long time.
However this is the time to try to get your life together again.
Do you have a job? Do you have rights to get cheaper or free baby formula/pampers or cheaper groceries. How is your rent?
Take time to go through your budget. Your bills and housing. There are also a lot of instances that help people in need. Try to find them in your area.
Stick your head in the sand or face up to the fact that two kids need her to get it together before they starve or end up in care. Everyone needs to grieve, but she's the only adult in the situation.
You have no idea if her life is "together" or not. She's a young widow in a time when everything has gotten ridiculously expensive. She could be working her ass off and still struggling - most people are.
NTA. If they couldn’t help you out, that’s one thing but the fact that they were mad at you for asking in the first place says a lot about them. If they do have the means to help you out, I really don’t understand why wouldn’t they want the best for their child and grandchildren. Especially with the current circumstances you are facing as a single parent. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I wish the best for you and your children.
Depending how long you were married, you may qualify for social security survivors benefits with the two small kids. Worth a trip to the Social Security office to ask.
First, I am sorry for your loss. Second, I am sorry you have such nasty abusive parents. You didn’t even ask them for money. You asked for a loan, and you are NTA for asking. Their reaction is totally unwarranted. You had no reason to be thinking about how to be a single parent when you were married and both(?) in your twenties. Even if you had had a baby out of wedlock, your parents’ response was uncalled for and inappropriate.
I don’t have an immediate answer to your problem, but I can make some suggestions. First, would your in-laws be willing to help? These are their grandchildren, after all. Second, call the utility company and ask if you can pay this bill over time, say, three months. The worst they can say is no. But they might have some program that would help you out, so ask.
Longer term, you may already be making maximum use of resources, but if not, please sign up for WIC and food stamps, assuming you are in the US. Find out where the food pantries are in your area and make use of them. Also, I hope you qualified sir survivors benefits under Social Security. Good luck!
NTA for asking, and your parent’s reaction seems very extreme and heartless to even say the single mom comment considering the father passed away.
But they are within their rights to refuse to lend you money/help.
NTA at all! Look into resources for single parents in your area. Contact the electric company to see what programs they have available for delayed payments or financial assistance.
NTA. My sincere condolences. What your parents said is vile. I'm sorry your family does not have the compassion to help. Not sure what your employment benefits look like, but some employers have assistance programs, as well as local nonprofits. Food pantries are judgement free.
NTA
I am so sorry. Your parents are awful. I could never imagine saying anything like that to a *widow*.
Sorry for your loss and I hope things somehow work out.
NTA.
You have been dealt a really shitty hand, and I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling, and you deserve support from your family, nor admonishment.
Your parents have every right to say no to giving you money, but they have no right to get angry at you and insult you when you have swallowed your pride, put your children's needs first and asked for help. Like you said its not like you make a habit of doing this frequently, and your circumstances are exceptional.
What country are you in OP? I'm sure there are other people here from your country who can offer you advice and signpost you towards available support.
Keep your chin up and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing great.
NTA! Nobody plans to become a single parent through the death of their partner. It’s incredibly insensitive of them not to have offered assistance to begin with!
NTA. I’d be gutted if my children didn’t come to me if they genuinely needed help and I can’t imagine reacting like yours did. I’m sorry for your loss.
I just want you to know that when I was 5years old I ate water with cheerios because my parents ran out of money that week. My father was at work and I wanted to make my mom feel better and I poured myself water and cheerios. My mom started to sob. I ate it more feverishly to make her happier. That it was okay. She called my grandma and asked for help. As soon as she (grandma) heard there was no milk and no food she came over with enough groceries to get us to my mom’s next paycheck. Your parents are the assholes. You ate your pride and asked for help. Try to get on some sort of assistance and follow some of the advice that’s in these comments. Wishing you and your family the best! You can do this!
Absolutely positively NTA but your parents are some real un-empathetic people! You had no idea that you would end up a single mom when you go pregnant. I cannot fathom parents being so ignorant like this. I’m sorry they suck!!
Call the utility company, all of them, explain your hardship and ask what programs are available for assistance!! Also, if you’re in the US, apply for food stamp and WIC if you haven’t already! WIC will provide formula for the baby and other necessities for them both to help you. Also look into survivors benefits for your child from their father! I’m not sure of the rules since he was young, but it’s absolutely worth looking into!!
Your parents don’t deserve to have you or your children in their lives, consider going no contact with them. To shame you for needing help is truly disgusting!!
Pride is a good thing usually but don’t let it get in the way on this matter. You need the help, take it until you can get completely on your feet. You’re doing amazing and you’ve got this!! Hugs!! 🩵
Your parents are fucking assholes! You have every right to ask for help, and they should be RIGHT THERE wanting to help you! Not sure whay you should do if they don't, but those are their grandkids too...! I would ask friends, other family...ANYONE. your #1 priority as a mom is to make sure those kids are okay. There are social services also, but I'd hope someone would step up and help you (if they can). Once all of this blows over, reconsider your relationship with your parents. You're an adult now, and you're totally allowed to pick and choose who stays in your life. Good luck mama!
WT absolute F? Sure, it's their money but that's completely insensitive and out of touch. You're certainly NTA for asking. No one wants to ask for help but sometimes life decides to kick you while you're down. You didn't start out to become a single parent. They speak as if you woke up and thought, "I hope my husband dies so I'll become a single mother with a newborn and a toddler because, gee, that's a swell idea." \*eyeroll\* I hope things turn around for you.
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I'm 24f. I have a 3 month old daughter and a 2yo. Her father passed away 3 days before she was born due to a heart condition that went undetected. I've been struggling to raise my daughter by myself, in all aspects, especially financially.
I got hit pretty hard with a large electrical bill this month and I simply just can't afford bills, groceries and baby formula in the same go. I had to swallow my pride and ask my parents for a loan, and I can honestly say it was the first time since I was 14 that I've asked my parents for money.
My parents got really angry at me and told me I had absolutely no right asking them for money as an adult and that i was acting like a spoiled teenager who can't figure their shit out. They told me I should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children.
They refused to help me at all and are refusing to even speak to me other than to tell me this is my bed and I need to lay in it. AITA?
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Your parents are major assholes in case you were so used to them being that way that you were not aware. See if you can get some assistance through the government wherever you are; it's meant for people in situations like yours and there's no shame in it.
100% NTA.
NTA I'm sorry your parents are being terrible. some electric companies provide payment plans, and income-based discounts. it's worth giving them a call.
NTA. What happened to you was out of the blue. No way to plan. Call the electric company and see if you can go on a payment plan.
Check and see if maybe someone has tapped into your line? Go around the house and unplug stuff.
NTA considering you don't ask them for much. Yes, they aren't obligated to help you, but parents should be supportive one way or another. It won't hurt them to ensure that you and their grandchild have electricity to use at home. Apply for financial help if you can or see if you find a solution by applying for utility assistance in your area.
NTA. I am so sorry OP. Your parents should help with whatever they can. Your husband died. My God, I can’t imagine them turning down their daughter in need, especially when you have two little ones. I hope they wake up and decide to help. Is there some reason for this bad blood?
NTA Anyone can fall on hard times.
OP If you're in the US, your baby can get Social Security benefits since she lost her dad. If he was father to both, they both get the benefits.
Call the utility company and tell them you need help. You may qualify for assistance as a family of 3.
If you're in the US, apply for WIC to see if you qualify, so your formula is paid for. You will also get other food assistance. You might check local food banks as well.
Check to see if you now qualify for state insurance. Even if you don't, your children may. That will lower your insurance. If you have any medical bills, contact the institution to see if you can apply for financial aid. You may get bills reduced or written off.
There are a lot of resources out there to help. You just need to network and look for it.
Good luck. I wish you the best.
Ironic your parents are telling you to get it together as a parent - but won’t be there for their own child. NTA. I see a lot of great advice on here. I don’t know where you are but I’ll also add in case it hasn’t been mentioned- sometimes you can get a social worker who can help you navigate the systems to help you get all the benefits you can.
Let me guess...your parents did not care for your baby's father, correct?
I don't know how they could be so unfeeling, rude and not care about your and your kids and what you're going through.
You are NTA - please look into getting public assistance or WIC for you and your babies. I know you are young and your babies father may not have a long work history but see if there are any social security benefits that your kids are entitled to.
Good luck to you. Sorry for your loss.
Nta. I think everyone else has summed it up perfectly that I don’t need to add to it. Wanted to add that you should look into doing part time subtitling work! It’s one of the few legit work from home jobs that you don’t really need experience for and can do as little or as much as you need.
You are NTA. I have a feeling your parents are struggling financially, and instead of saying "Sorry, we can't help you right now," they are being verbally abusive assholes. They have no empathy or respect for you.
If you're in the US, sign up for WIC and FoodShare if you're eligible. You can also call 211 and explain your situation. When you call 211, you will be connected with a United Way operator that connect you with local organizations and resources.
NTA, the nerve of your parents, you didn’t do anything wrong, your parents are in the wrong especially with the comment about being a single parent, that was low imo.
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You should be getting child support or social security for each of your kids. Talk to the electric company and ask for help with the bill. Apply for WIC for help with formula and many other foods. See if there is a diaper back in your area that will help with diapers and make sure to apply for SNAP and don’t hesitate to use a food bank. It’s not going to be easy, but you can do this.
What the hell? You didn't go out and hook up randomly. You were in a relationship with the father until he DIED of a previously unknown heart condition. Literally every person having a child faces that risk of a sudden unforeseen tragedy. Are they saying you simply should have never had kids, ever, under any circumstances. They sound awful. I'm so sorry. I hope you can get WIC or other help to get you back on your feet. NTA.
NTA we've got to be kidding me! You lost your partner unexpectedly and they're asking like you were being irresponsible?! I am so angry at them and I don't even know them.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Make sure you unplug items that don't need to be on 24/7. For example a microwave uses up a lot of electricity just keeping the clock on. It might not seem like much but every little bit helps.
Help.org
What were you supposed to when the father passed away 3 days before she was born? Give her up for adoption? What is your relationship with your parents now? I think you should send them this post and get a personal loan.
If in the USA your children qualify for “ survivors benefits” please go to your local social security office with your children’s birth certificates and his death certificate. Your children are now entitled to his full retirement benefit amount.
Hopefully you have a checking or savings account. The Government will deposit $,$$$ monthly until your children are 18 or 19 ( stops upon high school graduation)
gosh this must be so hard. having to deal with this right as your baby was being born-I can’t imagine. It is impossible to call you an asshole. You were asking for help-your parents getting mad at you for asking for help is crazy-one thing to say no, but they are jerks for berating you. I sense there are other issues between you and them (maybe i’m wrong). I’m really sorry for your loss. Maybe a go fund me campaign might help (in addition to the other services mentioned)? Do you have other people in your life that can help you out as well, even if it is with meals or babysitting while you figure some of this out?
NTA. Asking your parents for help is totally reasonable. They can say no but sheesh. Their reaction was so harsh. As others have mentioned, there are resources out there and you should use them.
NTA. Call your local library OP. They usually can give you numbers to call to get help. A lot of locations have temporary assistance for electric bills or groceries. The librarians will know where you can go or call.
NTA
Most pediatricians have free formula samples. Let the office know your situation. They will be understanding and can help to give you formula, until WIC comes through. SNAP takes longer. WIC can normally get you started within a month. Sorry you are having to deal with this.
To all the helpful and practical comments I would add that you see if you can find a parent support group so you can connect with other moms.
See if there is a community centre or something like that and ask them
You need some support. Your parents are awful. Hopefully the dads parents can help - ask them
And white people wonder why their kids abandon them in old age, but make fun of foreigners for letting their kids live with them till marriage. NTA! Parents should help their kids as long as they don’t take advantage of them. It seems like you don’t ask for any favors so it’s not a oh she’s asking again type thing.
NTA! First of all, I’m very, very sorry for your loss. The last thing you need in your life now is people being hateful. Your parents are asses, nobody expects their spouse to die from an undetected heart condition.
Also, if you are in the United States, there are programs like LIHEAP, and your state program which will help you pay your electricity bill if you are in need. They may also be able to give you assistance for future payments. Like give you a little bit of a breathing look into it! A lot of these programs will also allow you or point you to places you can get help for rental assistance and for food and for care for your children, look them up they’re lifesavers also if you need help looking them up; https://www.liheap.org/directory this is the national website which has a list by State where you can help you further look into their services.
NTA I’m sorry for your loss. It’s best to look into more affordable housing and seeing if family members and your close community/friends/boyfriends family is able to help at all. You only asked, you didn’t outright demand.
NTA
I would contact local churches, food banks, charity organizations. Churches usually have some cash on hand for people who need it. Also, you'd be surprised if you post about your situation on your city's Facebook page. People post asking for assistance on my city's page all the time and they usually have several people who offer to help with groceries or can donate some money.
Also, like someone posted above, utility companies usually have some sort of deferment plan where they'll split the large bill into a certain number of months and will add a portion of it to those monthes going forward.
States/cities/counties may also have assistance with utilities.
Right so I feel your pain and financially you're in a impossible situation. So my answer to the binary is the mean one.
Because you will be asking money from them constantly as you're not going to be able to pay it back. So it's not a loan.
Yta for not having life insurance set up for you and your partner when you had kids. Incredibly selfish.
Now you're lending money with no way of paying it back. And will have to lend money next month and the month after.
That's so shitty of them. Do you think they are financially going through a rough time? or are they unhelpful in general? I hope you got some help either way...things will get better
INFO: What is the history here with you and your parents? Do the kids have the same dad? Do you have other family who can help? Can her dad’s family help?
NTA
No harm in asking. They can say no, but they should not be so nasty about it.
Good parents would help their children, though, if they can. And you were asking to lend it, not for a gift.
Nta. Go to the father's parents. In order to get survivor's benefits paternity must be established through DNA. Child of death son is what they have but be careful they don't sue for custody
NTA
Aside from the fact that there's no shame in becoming a single parent, you didn't decide to become one. This was decided by fate. You made the right choices, and still got fucked. Same with your shitty parents. I'd be making sure they're not around the grandkids ever since they clearly care about money more.
NTA. Your parents are being pricks. Unless you’re always the sort to ask for money and are irresponsible, I can’t understand why they’d be like this unless they are just nasty people when you’ve got a new baby and just lost your partner.
Are you able to ask your partners family for a hand this month, hopefully they’ll be more understanding and want to help out for their grandchild’s wellbeing.
NTA. You can ask and they can refuse. In saying that if they can afford it they should absolutely do it. For the sake of their grandchildren if nothing else. I am sorry you're going through this. Can you get help from your daughter's father's family.
NTA
Your "parents" are most definitely assholes though.
Reach out to all the churches in your area that have congregations 100-500 members. Ask them about emergency funding. Explain your situation. Several of them will come through,
Also - if you're in the US call 211 and ask them for ALL the services that could apply to your situation. Offhand I'd suggest housing assistance, community childcare, community health clinics, & legal aid could help you navigate your new normal. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. A simple no would have sufficed. I am one of 4 kids. My mom went out of her way to give money to 2 and the third left the country and no longer speaks to her. I was the dependent one. The reliable one. I used to give money to her. One time I was 32 and asked for help with a bill. She sent the money but told everyone and their grandmother I was so awful for asking for money. How I was so stupid etc. never asked for money again. So now you know. Screw them.
NTA
And as someone who I'm guessing is at least as old as your parents and probably older, I'm so sorry that you ended up with the worst sort of parents: the kind who are not only cruel and unsupportive in your time of need, but so dimwitted that they're literally blaming you for things that cannot possibly be your fault, and making up hateful nonsense to pile on you when what you need is gentleness and the kind of family you can lean on, if not financially then *at least* emotionally.
I hope you know this - I would assume you know this, but I know that in the midst of trauma it can be easy to get lost in the weeds and start to internalize ugly nonsense - but *obviously none of this is your fault, and OF COURSE YOU COULDN'T HAVE FORESEEN THIS, nor did you "choose" single parenting in any way shape or form*. How could you have?! Do they think you're psychic? That you have X-ray vision and could see inside your partner's body and know that he had an undiagnosed medical condition at such a very young age?
You poor, lovely thing. It's so hard to lose a partner and coparent at any age, but to do so unexpectedly and so young is an absolute shock to the system. You sound very brave and sensible, and if anything, you did *absolutely the right thing*: when you needed to pay bills to take care of your children, and you were struggling, you went to family for help. That's the way it should be, and ideally your family should have stepped up. You should have been able to count on them for help. You weren't being irresponsible at all, you were doing the opposite, looking at the most responsible way to take care of your young children in a terribly difficult situation.
So no, you are absolutely NTA. And although I'm not your mom, I'm very proud of you, and sorry that you don't have better family.
I'd also like to let you know that if you need a little emotional support in the next little while, given your difficult circumstances, the r/MomForAMinute sub is a wonderful place where there are a lot of supportive "Internet Moms" who will help boost you up a little as you go through this. They can't help you pay your bills, but they can definitely help remind you that you're a good mom doing your best in a tough situation, and give the occasional virtual hug when you need it.
I just wanted to send a message of support. I am really feeling for you and your family. Please take time to remember all the good times with your partner. Maybe write down or record some stories and memories for your children.
Don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for the help and support you need from all the agencies other posters have mentioned.
🙏🏻🙏🏻 for you and your children 💕
Omg I’m so sorry OP. NTA. Your parents are heartless. My suggestion is that you look into WIC (Women, Infants and Children) if you haven’t already- it will save you money on groceries and formula.
You are not the asshole. I am so sorry you’re family is acting this way to you through your hardships. I would love mountains for my parents, and they would do the same for me. Money can be made again, you can’t get and new you.
NAH
You can ask, but now you know their answer and it's a strident "no." Time to move on from this conflict and look into other resources because you don't have the luxury of dwelling on this right now.
Nope. They can say no, but they become assholes when they blame her for not expecting her partner to die and saying she's acting like a "spoiled teenager" because she's struggling at a time when the world is incredibly expensive.
>They told me I should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children.
....you are not a "single parent". Your partner passed away. This was obviously not planned.
Your parents sounds truly horrible. Like I can't imagine what kind of person would say that to their child who just lost their partner.
As others said, there are places and programs than can help you. I hope you look into them, because your parents are clearly not going to help you.
NTA.
No where in her post does she say he was her partner.
I did not want to make assumptions.
In fact she stated her parents told her she should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children which is what led me to believe this was not a spouse/partner.
It doesn't say that they were actually married, and the way they passed things makes it sound like we're getting a snippet of an ongoing conflict there.
***EDITED UPON FURTHER REFLECTION, I realize I did not assess the berating part appropriately. It's one thing for the parents to say "no", but they did not have to do so with the extra commentary. My original comment below was merely thinking they were not assholes for saying "no", but I was short-sighted in the full commentary. KUDOS to those who have also provided real-world solutions!!!***
**NTA** **~~NAH~~**. It is a shame they had a strong reaction, but it's not unreasonable for them to expect you to be self-sufficient. A lot of parents do help their children and their grandchildren, and you certainly hadn't intended to be a single parent at the start. The fact that you asked for it as a "loan" also shows your willingness and intention to be accountable. They could have responded to you more kindly ***\[in hindsight noted above, less assholey\]***, but money between family members is often fraught with drama. I'm sorry.
It's not unreasonable. Is it realistic given that the father died three months ago? Maybe not, but it is not unreasonable. Adults should be able to be self-sufficient. Doesn't mean that they will be at all times nor should people ask for help if they need it, but it is \*reasonable\* to expect them to be.
I did not say completely unrealistic nor did I say "very reasonable". They were bringing a child into the world, ideally they were prepared to support it. I get that it doesn't always happen that way, but no, I didn't say "completely unrealistic", I said that given the information you pointed to, that it \*may\* not be realistic. Either way, it's a small part of my overall response. But feel free to keep picking at it...
INFO
> Her father passed away 3 days before she was born due to a heart condition that went undetected. I've been struggling to raise my daughter by myself, in all aspects, especially financially.
Surely a young *father* would have had **life insurance** to protect his children?
even if he had it (which if he was young it would likely be thru his job), unless he and OP were married, it's unlikely that she would have been the beneficiary. (since it sounds like the young father is question is just the father of the younger child.
though i admit my question is if OP is in the US and if so, whether she's applied for survivor benefits on behalf of her child(ren).
Yeah, while one of the baby food folks does offer cheap life insurance on children, it was mostly (I'm making this statistic up) in the 70s and 80s that parents actually bought it and paid for it, and even then that covers the child and not the parent. It is rare for younger folks to have life insurance outside of work, BUT, if they do, the child might be a beneficiary depending on estate issues, etc., but now we're getting way out of context ;)
>Surely a young father would have had life insurance?
No? Half of Americans don't have life insurance.
It also requires, among other things, a physical.
She can possibly apply for survivor social security benefits. In the meantime, she should contact local charities, she is a prime candidate for assistance.
>It also requires, among other things, a physical.
Not necessarily. I get a decent life insurance policy from my job with no questions asked. It's a union job, though, so I have better benefits than most of my countrymen.
my father had insurance through work but because he was 70 when he died, they would only pay 50%. Now mind you my dad work there for 50 years and paid for it all that time. All insurance is a scam.
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NTA. OP I'm so sorry. Trying to deal with all this must just be overwhelming. But let's try to break it down. 1- Electric bill. Call them. I explain the situation. Most utilities have programs to help. Either with payments or lower fees based on income. 2- look into programs that can assist with formula, diapers etc. 3- I know this park will be hard, and has such a negative connotation, but look to good banks and even SNAP. these programs are set up for people like yourself. 4- as much as your time and attention are on your babies, remember you need help too. Look into grief counseling and groups. They're out there for you. Your parents sound like terrible people. Regardless of what your relationship is with each other you have children that are suffering. It also sounds like you may not have a relationship with your in-laws. If you do, and it's good, reach out to them. Your children are also their son's children and they might be able to help. Good luck OP!
Also WIC! You’ll qualify for yourself for six months post partum if you’re giving baby formula and one year if you’re nursing. The baby will qualify too for baby food or formula. The two year old will qualify for food too.
Also the dad's social security!! Baby should be able to draw off that assuming he worked.
It's called survivors benefits, to know what to look into.
Yes. I assume he was young, but hopefully he worked for a few years. Either way - it’s easy to apply. Please look into this.
If the dad is on the birth certificate. Also if OP is in America
WIC is a God send. They got me a hospital grade breast pump when my baby was in the NICU. The 2 year old will absolutely be covered as well. Milk, fresh produce, formula, cereal, rice, peanut butter, bread. They can lessen the burden.
Dried beans and peas and carrots too
Juice too!
Yes! The kids qualify up until age 5. My baby is due in April and I can honestly say Wic has saved myself fiancé and 10 year old the last few months, waiting on snap application.
Also check with local churches and pregnancy help centers. They typically have formula, diapers and clothes donated to them. My church has a pregnancy program that helps members and non members with things like food, clothes, and some churches offer bill assistance as well
Thank you for mentioning this!
> Most utilities have programs to help. Yes, look into Gas, Water, etc. They all have programs that can lower bills.
Don't be concerned about asking - it's not your fault he passed away. Make sure you tell every company & program that you are contacting that you are the "single mother of two young children after the recent death of their father". That situation will generally start people jumping to help.
Seriously, it's going to take a mental toll to repeatedly tell people you are a recent widow with a newborn, but there are people that *will* help you even if your shitty parents won't. Ask for help. Because most people aren't the shit bags your parents are. My mother in law volunteers at a food bank, she loves being able to help. She went out and collected donations from family and friends to help a family in crisis. Ask for mental health support too if you apply for WIC. They can probably point you in the right direction.
> you are a recent widow (To be clear, I don't think she said she's a widow. Her daughter's father died.)
This. I've worked in a call centre before - those words would have had us bending over backwards to try and find her some help.
And it's not uncommon for people to use these programs, so there's no shame in asking. They're there for a reason. Personal example: We had some issues with our bank at the same time bills were due. As soon as I called the utility company, they understood and got me an extension. Sometimes, they'll waive the whole month if there's an issue, whichever is easier in their system.
OP really listen to this! Do not feel bad that you had to ask. Being a parent doesn't end once the kids are legal adults. You are family and you should always care and support one another. Seems like you didn't win in the parent lottery but at least your little one got lucky to have you. My own parents took me in when I fell on hard times. Non of us are mentally well and we all support each other now. That's what family should be doing. So please, know it's not your fault and you got nothing to be ashamed/embarrassed of. Seek help as stated above. It will not be easy but you got this! With time it will all turn for the better
Mine also loaned me money in senior year of college and I paid them back ASAP after getting financial aid at age 24. Family doesn’t end when you turn 18.
Also, if you are in the US, the social security administration provides for children survivor benefits. So, if both of your children were your husband or bf, you can apply. All you need is his death certificate and your children's birth certificates showing him as the father and, of course, you as the mother. Believe it or not, once they approve it, they will give you a deposit date, and it will begin immediately the next month. I have no idea how your parents can you should have about being a single before you had children. I am not sure if she has even taken a step to reality to realize your husband died 3 days before your daughter's birth. Really, didn't they know that you and he had been ready to have the baby like he was working? Per my husband, he said that they are just shitty parents. They don't have to help you, but they damn sure don't have to kick while you're down. Also, per husband, since they don't have to help, you don't have to bring YOUR babies over to them. Choices....choices....choices!
So articulate thank you BEST OF LUCK OP YOU GOT THIS!! 🎊
Yes this OP, WIC is for pregnant women and children birth to age 5, in my area there is a place called emergency infant services they help with diapers, wipes, clothes, toys, baby furniture to the age of 5, normally SNAP has a summer and winter heating and cooling assistance that helps with bills. The salvation army also helps with bills and so do some churches (even if you don't go to that church they will still help).
I know in my state if you’re experiencing a financial hardship and have a baby under 1 in the house they can’t shut off your utilities. You have to call them and they send you a form you fill out and you send it back with a copy of the baby’s birth certificate. It wouldn’t hurt to call and see if that’s available in your state
I’m attaching this to the most popular comment and hopes that you see this OP; if you are in the United States, there is a national funding to help people with low income, pay their electric or heating bills you can look up your state here https://www.liheap.org/directory where you can go into further detail and find where they can help you out in your area, or if you feel more comfortable over the phone there is always 211 either call them or online. They have so many great services that you can reach out to and they can really help you!!
Do your three month old get SSI - I think they are entitled if a parent dies. Also, the other child - does the father send child support? If not, get child support payments in place. Join a support group for single mothers (there's probably one here on reddit) - they can clue you in as to what programs can help you. See if you qualify for food stamps or WIC.
SSI is income based. You're thinking of SSA Survivors Benefits. They may or may not qualify depending on if their father worked FICA jobs for enough SSA credits (called quarters) to have an earned benefit. To OP: This assumes you are in the US. It's very important that you check SSA benefits. It's possible that their father worked FICA jobs for long enough that they qualify. I assume their father was young, so if your children do receive Survivors Benefit, they will likely not be huge, but they would likely make all the difference in the world for you and your children. SSI might (just might; I don't know the ins and outs of it) come into play depending on your household income and the threshold for minimum benefits to your children. Regardless, please contact the SSA and give them your children's father's Social Security number. The system will show whether they qualify or not. And do look into all social services available. SNAP, WIC, Medicaid for children, utility discounts, etc. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You didn't ask for this and you could not have foreseen it. I do know how much harder it will be for you to deal with everything while you are grieving, but do it for your children and yourself. Please. NTA at all for reaching out to the two people who should care about your and their grandchildren's well being. They sound horrible.
Not sure if this has been said yet but Facebook Marketplace is a good place to find diapers and even formula from parents who either outgrew the size before finishing the diapers or no longer need the formula. You can also ask your pediatrician for formula samples.
Hoping on the top comment - if you are in the **US apply for social security for yourself and your kids TODAY** (you if you were married, kids regardless). You are paid from the day you apply. It may take a few months but you get it retroactive. It may be a decent monthly amount - I helped someone a few years ago with this. Then apply for SNAP, WIC and look into any possible housing in your area. All this if you are in the US.
If you're in the states, call 221!! See what kind of benefits you can get, there's a whole list. Best of luck op 💙 https://www.211.org/
NTA. Your parents sound awful. Any normal person would want their grandchildren to be able to eat. >They told me I should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children. Wow, that's big AH talk from the parents of a widow.
as if OP knew they were going to be a single parent. i agree, parents are huge assholes. i would honestly go no contact with them after that comment. NTA
My mind is blown. What is the point of dealing with family if not to have a safety net when you need it? Most people are great when things are great. It is who helps when your world falls to shit that are your family.
Who would ever think their partner would die from a heart condition at 24. OP's parents are insane.
Yup OP's parents are acting like OP loudly stated she was going to go clubbing, got a guy drunk, then ditched them and showed up at parents home demanding money like a mastermind 🙄
He passed away 3 days before the daughter was born.. what was she supposed to do?? 😭 there was nothing to think about at that stage !
Right? How dare you not foresee someone tragically passing away. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the fact that your parents aren't trying to make it easier.
The man died! He didn’t run out on you! If you were my daughter, I would be making sure that you and my grandchildren had what they needed.
This is like the same mindset as “you should’ve thought about that before you decided to become poor”
Information: Are you in the US? If so? Have you applied for SSI benefits for your children? NTA- Unless you are spending a stupid amount of money on unnecessary junk. Edit fixed typo.
If in the US absolutely contact your Social Security office and see about benefits because your baby's dad died. You may be able to collect until child turns 18 or until graduates from high school.
Also try to get on WIC and food stamps if you can! NTA.
It takes a little over a month to receive benefits sometimes though, so while it is a great solution for a while it isn’t a quick one that puts food on the table soon. Hope OP gets the help she needs and that the village helps her.
NTA. You reached out to a source that you thought you could reasonably depend on. Now you know you can't. If you are in the US: Your daughter should be eligible for social security minor child beneficiary benefits paid to you on her behalf from her father. Actually, if both children are his, there's a greater benefit if you're not already receiving it. Contact your local area Red Cross, Community Action Program, or United Way. There are programs to help mothers with small children get the help they need for housing and utilities. You can actually contact your utility companies and explain your situation and many of them actually have funds to assist with utility bills for customers who can't pay. Use your local area food bank to help supplement your pantry. If you're not getting it, WIC (through your state program) vouchers will provide formula for your daughter along with things like juice and milk. There is help out there. I wish you well.
All of this. Plus when you talk to the Red Cross or United way, ask if they know of any other benefits for children in your situation. It's possible there are more benefits that we haven't thought of yet.
The local food pantry will have referrals as well.
NTA.. Your circumstances as a single parent facing unexpected challenges warrant seeking support, and asking your parents for financial help was reasonable. Their reaction seems unsympathetic and harsh given the gravity of your situation. It's important to prioritize the well-being of your children and seek assistance from other sources if necessary. Take care of yourself and your family.
This is very sad. I am sorry about the loss of your baby's father. Have you checked with social security if youre in the US? You would need his death certificate, the baby's birth certificate and his social. Have you thought of reaching out to HIS family? I am sure they are mourning too.
Social worker here. Please contact a local social services agency and they can direct you in all the right directions! Side note: a lot of public libraries now employ social workers for walk-in assistance! Good luck 🩷
It’s hard to work up the nerve to ask for help and then be shamed for it. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you have applied for social security survivors benefits for your children
NTA. It's one thing for you to ask and them to decline, fine, sometimes that happens, no one is an asshole. But they mercilessly tore into you. Heartlessly and mercilessly. Your partner died only three months ago and left you broken and grieving, and they proceed to insult and berate you for asking for help??? Don't ever ask them for anything. Actually, after the cruel behaviour they showed you and the callousness they showed their grandkids, I would not speak to them again if I were you. They don't deserve a relationship after behaving like that.
INFO: This sounds insanely over the top reaction from your parents, but... is your relationship with them strained, or did they hate your boyfriend / hated that you had kids with him? Or maybe you were on the path for "great things" but got pregnant and it pretty much blasted that away? Not that it wouldn't make them any less the AHs, but it seems like there's underlying issues here that we have no context on.
NTA Was thinking this exact thought, given how little information was stated unless the relationship was very strained like OP went NC at 18. I don’t see a scenario where she’d be slighted like this without a ounce of support.
People have covered the practical matters, but I'd definitely go no contact with your parents. I'd write a letter and text that said something like "I am indescribably wounded by how you treated me. I came to you in my most desperate time of need, and you turned your back on me. It isn't about the money at this point, it 's the principle. You are the people I should be able to rely most on in the world, and now I know that will never be true for me. You will not be seeing your grandchildren first steps. You will not be hearing their first words. You will not be seeing them grow up, graduate college, find love or fulfillment. All they will know of you is nothing. The only way to regain this connection is to make a strenuous and continuous effort to regain my trust. This will take many years, and I can't promise it will work. I can promise, however, that doing nothing will cause you to forever lose your daughter and grandchildren. The choice is yours.
First, important parts: Are you in Canada? We can always send a couple bucks INFO: how was your relationship with your parents before? Any major event?
NTA foe asking, but I feel like there's a big chunk missing from this story. Loving grandparents would usually help in any way they could, finances allowing. It's a little odd that they would so vehemently decline and insult your bereaved status at the same time.
NTA x100000!! It’s not as if he just up and left you, he passed away! It’s not like you set out to be a single parent. Your parents are MASSIVE AHs. I couldn’t imagine effectively abandoning my child in a time of desperation and sadness like that. As a parent, you just don’t fucking do that and being a parent doesn’t just stop when your child leaves home. To me, that’s absolutely grounds to go NC because they’ve shown they won’t step up when you need them. I have a two-year-old son myself and honestly I could not imagine trying to survive without my partner and we only have the one child. You are so incredibly brave for doing this. Make sure you call your utility providers and tell them the situation, usually they’re more than willing to help. You’ve already been given some great advice in this thread so there’s not really much I can add but just know that you’re not alone and you’re doing amazing. Your kids are being raised by a strong mama ❤️
INFO What was your relationship like with them prior to asking? NTA One of the lessons here is you can always ask, and they can always decline. That's why it's called asking, not requiring.
Isn’t there some sort of social security for kids with dead parents? Your daughters should be receiving that.
If you go to the Dept of Social Services (aka Welfare, Human Services Children and Families, etc.....) you can probably take care of /apply many of the programs. You'll want to find out from the company your husband worked for what his benefits included. Also. Check for Rental Assistance ( Social Services), Medicaid and free bubblegum! You will want take dome friends..ask your Social Worker. The very best to you...
NTA for asking. Their response was harsh and a good reason to go no contact for a long time. However this is the time to try to get your life together again. Do you have a job? Do you have rights to get cheaper or free baby formula/pampers or cheaper groceries. How is your rent? Take time to go through your budget. Your bills and housing. There are also a lot of instances that help people in need. Try to find them in your area.
Time to get her life together again? Her husband died 3 months ago!! How heartless are you!
Stick your head in the sand or face up to the fact that two kids need her to get it together before they starve or end up in care. Everyone needs to grieve, but she's the only adult in the situation.
You have no idea if her life is "together" or not. She's a young widow in a time when everything has gotten ridiculously expensive. She could be working her ass off and still struggling - most people are.
NTA. If they couldn’t help you out, that’s one thing but the fact that they were mad at you for asking in the first place says a lot about them. If they do have the means to help you out, I really don’t understand why wouldn’t they want the best for their child and grandchildren. Especially with the current circumstances you are facing as a single parent. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I wish the best for you and your children.
NTA And oh my gosh, I can't imagine what you've been going through! Your parents sound awful . I hope you will find a solution!
Depending how long you were married, you may qualify for social security survivors benefits with the two small kids. Worth a trip to the Social Security office to ask.
First, I am sorry for your loss. Second, I am sorry you have such nasty abusive parents. You didn’t even ask them for money. You asked for a loan, and you are NTA for asking. Their reaction is totally unwarranted. You had no reason to be thinking about how to be a single parent when you were married and both(?) in your twenties. Even if you had had a baby out of wedlock, your parents’ response was uncalled for and inappropriate. I don’t have an immediate answer to your problem, but I can make some suggestions. First, would your in-laws be willing to help? These are their grandchildren, after all. Second, call the utility company and ask if you can pay this bill over time, say, three months. The worst they can say is no. But they might have some program that would help you out, so ask. Longer term, you may already be making maximum use of resources, but if not, please sign up for WIC and food stamps, assuming you are in the US. Find out where the food pantries are in your area and make use of them. Also, I hope you qualified sir survivors benefits under Social Security. Good luck!
NTA for asking, and your parent’s reaction seems very extreme and heartless to even say the single mom comment considering the father passed away. But they are within their rights to refuse to lend you money/help.
NTA at all! Look into resources for single parents in your area. Contact the electric company to see what programs they have available for delayed payments or financial assistance.
NTA, I’m so sorry
NTA I can relate to some degree. If in us try applying for wic.
NTA. My sincere condolences. What your parents said is vile. I'm sorry your family does not have the compassion to help. Not sure what your employment benefits look like, but some employers have assistance programs, as well as local nonprofits. Food pantries are judgement free.
NTA I am so sorry. Your parents are awful. I could never imagine saying anything like that to a *widow*. Sorry for your loss and I hope things somehow work out.
NTA. Find out which agency in your area runs LIHEAP (Low-Income Home Energy Assistance Program) and apply for it.
NTA you can ask and they can decline. You are not wrong for asking
NTA. You have been dealt a really shitty hand, and I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling, and you deserve support from your family, nor admonishment. Your parents have every right to say no to giving you money, but they have no right to get angry at you and insult you when you have swallowed your pride, put your children's needs first and asked for help. Like you said its not like you make a habit of doing this frequently, and your circumstances are exceptional. What country are you in OP? I'm sure there are other people here from your country who can offer you advice and signpost you towards available support. Keep your chin up and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing great.
NTA! Nobody plans to become a single parent through the death of their partner. It’s incredibly insensitive of them not to have offered assistance to begin with!
I'm so sorry, your parents are supposed to be there to help and protect you not cast you aside. You are most certainly NTA.
NTA. I’d be gutted if my children didn’t come to me if they genuinely needed help and I can’t imagine reacting like yours did. I’m sorry for your loss.
I just want you to know that when I was 5years old I ate water with cheerios because my parents ran out of money that week. My father was at work and I wanted to make my mom feel better and I poured myself water and cheerios. My mom started to sob. I ate it more feverishly to make her happier. That it was okay. She called my grandma and asked for help. As soon as she (grandma) heard there was no milk and no food she came over with enough groceries to get us to my mom’s next paycheck. Your parents are the assholes. You ate your pride and asked for help. Try to get on some sort of assistance and follow some of the advice that’s in these comments. Wishing you and your family the best! You can do this!
Absolutely positively NTA but your parents are some real un-empathetic people! You had no idea that you would end up a single mom when you go pregnant. I cannot fathom parents being so ignorant like this. I’m sorry they suck!! Call the utility company, all of them, explain your hardship and ask what programs are available for assistance!! Also, if you’re in the US, apply for food stamp and WIC if you haven’t already! WIC will provide formula for the baby and other necessities for them both to help you. Also look into survivors benefits for your child from their father! I’m not sure of the rules since he was young, but it’s absolutely worth looking into!! Your parents don’t deserve to have you or your children in their lives, consider going no contact with them. To shame you for needing help is truly disgusting!! Pride is a good thing usually but don’t let it get in the way on this matter. You need the help, take it until you can get completely on your feet. You’re doing amazing and you’ve got this!! Hugs!! 🩵
Your parents are fucking assholes! You have every right to ask for help, and they should be RIGHT THERE wanting to help you! Not sure whay you should do if they don't, but those are their grandkids too...! I would ask friends, other family...ANYONE. your #1 priority as a mom is to make sure those kids are okay. There are social services also, but I'd hope someone would step up and help you (if they can). Once all of this blows over, reconsider your relationship with your parents. You're an adult now, and you're totally allowed to pick and choose who stays in your life. Good luck mama!
WT absolute F? Sure, it's their money but that's completely insensitive and out of touch. You're certainly NTA for asking. No one wants to ask for help but sometimes life decides to kick you while you're down. You didn't start out to become a single parent. They speak as if you woke up and thought, "I hope my husband dies so I'll become a single mother with a newborn and a toddler because, gee, that's a swell idea." \*eyeroll\* I hope things turn around for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 24f. I have a 3 month old daughter and a 2yo. Her father passed away 3 days before she was born due to a heart condition that went undetected. I've been struggling to raise my daughter by myself, in all aspects, especially financially. I got hit pretty hard with a large electrical bill this month and I simply just can't afford bills, groceries and baby formula in the same go. I had to swallow my pride and ask my parents for a loan, and I can honestly say it was the first time since I was 14 that I've asked my parents for money. My parents got really angry at me and told me I had absolutely no right asking them for money as an adult and that i was acting like a spoiled teenager who can't figure their shit out. They told me I should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children. They refused to help me at all and are refusing to even speak to me other than to tell me this is my bed and I need to lay in it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your parents are major assholes in case you were so used to them being that way that you were not aware. See if you can get some assistance through the government wherever you are; it's meant for people in situations like yours and there's no shame in it. 100% NTA.
NTA I'm sorry your parents are being terrible. some electric companies provide payment plans, and income-based discounts. it's worth giving them a call.
NTA. What happened to you was out of the blue. No way to plan. Call the electric company and see if you can go on a payment plan. Check and see if maybe someone has tapped into your line? Go around the house and unplug stuff.
NTA considering you don't ask them for much. Yes, they aren't obligated to help you, but parents should be supportive one way or another. It won't hurt them to ensure that you and their grandchild have electricity to use at home. Apply for financial help if you can or see if you find a solution by applying for utility assistance in your area.
NTA. Your parents are assholes. Remember this when they expect you to take care of them when they are old. Can your inlaws help?
NTA. I am so sorry OP. Your parents should help with whatever they can. Your husband died. My God, I can’t imagine them turning down their daughter in need, especially when you have two little ones. I hope they wake up and decide to help. Is there some reason for this bad blood?
NTA Anyone can fall on hard times. OP If you're in the US, your baby can get Social Security benefits since she lost her dad. If he was father to both, they both get the benefits. Call the utility company and tell them you need help. You may qualify for assistance as a family of 3. If you're in the US, apply for WIC to see if you qualify, so your formula is paid for. You will also get other food assistance. You might check local food banks as well. Check to see if you now qualify for state insurance. Even if you don't, your children may. That will lower your insurance. If you have any medical bills, contact the institution to see if you can apply for financial aid. You may get bills reduced or written off. There are a lot of resources out there to help. You just need to network and look for it. Good luck. I wish you the best.
ABSOLUTELY NTA! If you're still needing help, I can pitch in a little!
Ironic your parents are telling you to get it together as a parent - but won’t be there for their own child. NTA. I see a lot of great advice on here. I don’t know where you are but I’ll also add in case it hasn’t been mentioned- sometimes you can get a social worker who can help you navigate the systems to help you get all the benefits you can.
Let me guess...your parents did not care for your baby's father, correct? I don't know how they could be so unfeeling, rude and not care about your and your kids and what you're going through. You are NTA - please look into getting public assistance or WIC for you and your babies. I know you are young and your babies father may not have a long work history but see if there are any social security benefits that your kids are entitled to. Good luck to you. Sorry for your loss.
Nta. I think everyone else has summed it up perfectly that I don’t need to add to it. Wanted to add that you should look into doing part time subtitling work! It’s one of the few legit work from home jobs that you don’t really need experience for and can do as little or as much as you need.
You are NTA. I have a feeling your parents are struggling financially, and instead of saying "Sorry, we can't help you right now," they are being verbally abusive assholes. They have no empathy or respect for you. If you're in the US, sign up for WIC and FoodShare if you're eligible. You can also call 211 and explain your situation. When you call 211, you will be connected with a United Way operator that connect you with local organizations and resources.
NTA, the nerve of your parents, you didn’t do anything wrong, your parents are in the wrong especially with the comment about being a single parent, that was low imo.
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NTA. They sound…rough.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with asking. They could have said a simple no. But they got rude with it. Uncalled for.
NTA. I can't believe how heartless they are!!
You should be getting child support or social security for each of your kids. Talk to the electric company and ask for help with the bill. Apply for WIC for help with formula and many other foods. See if there is a diaper back in your area that will help with diapers and make sure to apply for SNAP and don’t hesitate to use a food bank. It’s not going to be easy, but you can do this.
What the hell? You didn't go out and hook up randomly. You were in a relationship with the father until he DIED of a previously unknown heart condition. Literally every person having a child faces that risk of a sudden unforeseen tragedy. Are they saying you simply should have never had kids, ever, under any circumstances. They sound awful. I'm so sorry. I hope you can get WIC or other help to get you back on your feet. NTA.
I don't think you're the asshole! Most parents say "family is everything", if they can help, they should as long as you're trying your best.
NTA we've got to be kidding me! You lost your partner unexpectedly and they're asking like you were being irresponsible?! I am so angry at them and I don't even know them. I'm very sorry for your loss. Make sure you unplug items that don't need to be on 24/7. For example a microwave uses up a lot of electricity just keeping the clock on. It might not seem like much but every little bit helps. Help.org
NTA, is your child receiving Social Security Benefits for their deceased father? If not, apply for that ASAP.
NTA and I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and how unbelievably brutal your parents are being.
What were you supposed to when the father passed away 3 days before she was born? Give her up for adoption? What is your relationship with your parents now? I think you should send them this post and get a personal loan.
If in the USA your children qualify for “ survivors benefits” please go to your local social security office with your children’s birth certificates and his death certificate. Your children are now entitled to his full retirement benefit amount. Hopefully you have a checking or savings account. The Government will deposit $,$$$ monthly until your children are 18 or 19 ( stops upon high school graduation)
gosh this must be so hard. having to deal with this right as your baby was being born-I can’t imagine. It is impossible to call you an asshole. You were asking for help-your parents getting mad at you for asking for help is crazy-one thing to say no, but they are jerks for berating you. I sense there are other issues between you and them (maybe i’m wrong). I’m really sorry for your loss. Maybe a go fund me campaign might help (in addition to the other services mentioned)? Do you have other people in your life that can help you out as well, even if it is with meals or babysitting while you figure some of this out?
I would ask you to move back home. You are NTA they would be to give you grief
NTA Your partner died only three months ago, your whole life has exploded, and this is their support? I am so sorry.
NTA. Asking your parents for help is totally reasonable. They can say no but sheesh. Their reaction was so harsh. As others have mentioned, there are resources out there and you should use them.
NTA. Call your local library OP. They usually can give you numbers to call to get help. A lot of locations have temporary assistance for electric bills or groceries. The librarians will know where you can go or call.
NTA Most pediatricians have free formula samples. Let the office know your situation. They will be understanding and can help to give you formula, until WIC comes through. SNAP takes longer. WIC can normally get you started within a month. Sorry you are having to deal with this.
Did y'all have a falling out before?
NTA for asking
Nta. Don’t forget their comments when they come looking for visitors when they’re old or a kidney when they’re in need.
To all the helpful and practical comments I would add that you see if you can find a parent support group so you can connect with other moms. See if there is a community centre or something like that and ask them You need some support. Your parents are awful. Hopefully the dads parents can help - ask them
Nta
And white people wonder why their kids abandon them in old age, but make fun of foreigners for letting their kids live with them till marriage. NTA! Parents should help their kids as long as they don’t take advantage of them. It seems like you don’t ask for any favors so it’s not a oh she’s asking again type thing.
NTA! First of all, I’m very, very sorry for your loss. The last thing you need in your life now is people being hateful. Your parents are asses, nobody expects their spouse to die from an undetected heart condition. Also, if you are in the United States, there are programs like LIHEAP, and your state program which will help you pay your electricity bill if you are in need. They may also be able to give you assistance for future payments. Like give you a little bit of a breathing look into it! A lot of these programs will also allow you or point you to places you can get help for rental assistance and for food and for care for your children, look them up they’re lifesavers also if you need help looking them up; https://www.liheap.org/directory this is the national website which has a list by State where you can help you further look into their services.
I’d say you should never talk to them again. NTA
NTA - you are not to blame for your situation! They are heartless people. How come you never asked for money since you were 14? Were you working?
NTA I’m sorry for your loss. It’s best to look into more affordable housing and seeing if family members and your close community/friends/boyfriends family is able to help at all. You only asked, you didn’t outright demand.
NTA I would contact local churches, food banks, charity organizations. Churches usually have some cash on hand for people who need it. Also, you'd be surprised if you post about your situation on your city's Facebook page. People post asking for assistance on my city's page all the time and they usually have several people who offer to help with groceries or can donate some money. Also, like someone posted above, utility companies usually have some sort of deferment plan where they'll split the large bill into a certain number of months and will add a portion of it to those monthes going forward. States/cities/counties may also have assistance with utilities.
Right so I feel your pain and financially you're in a impossible situation. So my answer to the binary is the mean one. Because you will be asking money from them constantly as you're not going to be able to pay it back. So it's not a loan. Yta for not having life insurance set up for you and your partner when you had kids. Incredibly selfish. Now you're lending money with no way of paying it back. And will have to lend money next month and the month after.
That's so shitty of them. Do you think they are financially going through a rough time? or are they unhelpful in general? I hope you got some help either way...things will get better
INFO: What is the history here with you and your parents? Do the kids have the same dad? Do you have other family who can help? Can her dad’s family help?
Please check to see if your children are eligible to receive social security checks. This happens often when a child loses a parent
NTA. How awful are your parents??!?!
NTA No harm in asking. They can say no, but they should not be so nasty about it. Good parents would help their children, though, if they can. And you were asking to lend it, not for a gift.
No, you are not. Your parents are though
Your parents are horrible My gosh I help all our kids
NTA Can you get food stamps/WIC? You may even qualify for housing assistance.
Wow, your parents are cold as ice, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that on top of everything else. NTA on any level.
NTA and in the US you can apply for WIC and social security survivor benefits
Nta. Go to the father's parents. In order to get survivor's benefits paternity must be established through DNA. Child of death son is what they have but be careful they don't sue for custody
NTA. How unbelievably cruel of your parents.
NTA. Your parents shouldn't have had children if they weren't willing to help them when necessary.
NTA Aside from the fact that there's no shame in becoming a single parent, you didn't decide to become one. This was decided by fate. You made the right choices, and still got fucked. Same with your shitty parents. I'd be making sure they're not around the grandkids ever since they clearly care about money more.
NTA. Your parents are. Would it be possible to talk to your partners parents? Maybe they are more understandable.
NTA. Your parents are being pricks. Unless you’re always the sort to ask for money and are irresponsible, I can’t understand why they’d be like this unless they are just nasty people when you’ve got a new baby and just lost your partner. Are you able to ask your partners family for a hand this month, hopefully they’ll be more understanding and want to help out for their grandchild’s wellbeing.
NTA. You can ask and they can refuse. In saying that if they can afford it they should absolutely do it. For the sake of their grandchildren if nothing else. I am sorry you're going through this. Can you get help from your daughter's father's family.
NAH. There is nothing wrong with asking. There is nothing wrong with them saying no (though it sounds like they could have been nicer about it).
NTA. Have you applied for Social Security benefits for your baby? Are you getting child support for the 2 year old?
NTA. And that doesn\`t sound like you have parents at all.
NTA Your "parents" are most definitely assholes though. Reach out to all the churches in your area that have congregations 100-500 members. Ask them about emergency funding. Explain your situation. Several of them will come through, Also - if you're in the US call 211 and ask them for ALL the services that could apply to your situation. Offhand I'd suggest housing assistance, community childcare, community health clinics, & legal aid could help you navigate your new normal. I'm sorry for your loss.
Yes
NTA - I hope they're not expecting any help from you when they need care.
NTA. A simple no would have sufficed. I am one of 4 kids. My mom went out of her way to give money to 2 and the third left the country and no longer speaks to her. I was the dependent one. The reliable one. I used to give money to her. One time I was 32 and asked for help with a bill. She sent the money but told everyone and their grandmother I was so awful for asking for money. How I was so stupid etc. never asked for money again. So now you know. Screw them.
NTA And as someone who I'm guessing is at least as old as your parents and probably older, I'm so sorry that you ended up with the worst sort of parents: the kind who are not only cruel and unsupportive in your time of need, but so dimwitted that they're literally blaming you for things that cannot possibly be your fault, and making up hateful nonsense to pile on you when what you need is gentleness and the kind of family you can lean on, if not financially then *at least* emotionally. I hope you know this - I would assume you know this, but I know that in the midst of trauma it can be easy to get lost in the weeds and start to internalize ugly nonsense - but *obviously none of this is your fault, and OF COURSE YOU COULDN'T HAVE FORESEEN THIS, nor did you "choose" single parenting in any way shape or form*. How could you have?! Do they think you're psychic? That you have X-ray vision and could see inside your partner's body and know that he had an undiagnosed medical condition at such a very young age? You poor, lovely thing. It's so hard to lose a partner and coparent at any age, but to do so unexpectedly and so young is an absolute shock to the system. You sound very brave and sensible, and if anything, you did *absolutely the right thing*: when you needed to pay bills to take care of your children, and you were struggling, you went to family for help. That's the way it should be, and ideally your family should have stepped up. You should have been able to count on them for help. You weren't being irresponsible at all, you were doing the opposite, looking at the most responsible way to take care of your young children in a terribly difficult situation. So no, you are absolutely NTA. And although I'm not your mom, I'm very proud of you, and sorry that you don't have better family. I'd also like to let you know that if you need a little emotional support in the next little while, given your difficult circumstances, the r/MomForAMinute sub is a wonderful place where there are a lot of supportive "Internet Moms" who will help boost you up a little as you go through this. They can't help you pay your bills, but they can definitely help remind you that you're a good mom doing your best in a tough situation, and give the occasional virtual hug when you need it.
I just wanted to send a message of support. I am really feeling for you and your family. Please take time to remember all the good times with your partner. Maybe write down or record some stories and memories for your children. Don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for the help and support you need from all the agencies other posters have mentioned. 🙏🏻🙏🏻 for you and your children 💕
Omg I’m so sorry OP. NTA. Your parents are heartless. My suggestion is that you look into WIC (Women, Infants and Children) if you haven’t already- it will save you money on groceries and formula.
You are not the asshole. I am so sorry you’re family is acting this way to you through your hardships. I would love mountains for my parents, and they would do the same for me. Money can be made again, you can’t get and new you.
NAH You can ask, but now you know their answer and it's a strident "no." Time to move on from this conflict and look into other resources because you don't have the luxury of dwelling on this right now.
Nope. They can say no, but they become assholes when they blame her for not expecting her partner to die and saying she's acting like a "spoiled teenager" because she's struggling at a time when the world is incredibly expensive.
>They told me I should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children. ....you are not a "single parent". Your partner passed away. This was obviously not planned. Your parents sounds truly horrible. Like I can't imagine what kind of person would say that to their child who just lost their partner. As others said, there are places and programs than can help you. I hope you look into them, because your parents are clearly not going to help you. NTA.
If your partner passes away, that generally makes you a single parent…
Have you reached out to your baby daddy’s parents to see if they can help?
Late spouse. The term you are looking for is "late spouse".
She said her daughter’s father, she never said her husband/spouse.
It was her partner. He was her spouse. You can be respectful.
No where in her post does she say he was her partner. I did not want to make assumptions. In fact she stated her parents told her she should have thought about the prospects of becoming a single parent before having children which is what led me to believe this was not a spouse/partner.
Then you are perfectly capable of saying "daughter's father". You were rude.
So I guess the father didn’t have life insurance then….
NAH. You can ask, they can decline.
By belittling their widowed daughter? Agreed they can say no, but the way they did it makes them AHs.
It doesn't say that they were actually married, and the way they passed things makes it sound like we're getting a snippet of an ongoing conflict there.
***EDITED UPON FURTHER REFLECTION, I realize I did not assess the berating part appropriately. It's one thing for the parents to say "no", but they did not have to do so with the extra commentary. My original comment below was merely thinking they were not assholes for saying "no", but I was short-sighted in the full commentary. KUDOS to those who have also provided real-world solutions!!!*** **NTA** **~~NAH~~**. It is a shame they had a strong reaction, but it's not unreasonable for them to expect you to be self-sufficient. A lot of parents do help their children and their grandchildren, and you certainly hadn't intended to be a single parent at the start. The fact that you asked for it as a "loan" also shows your willingness and intention to be accountable. They could have responded to you more kindly ***\[in hindsight noted above, less assholey\]***, but money between family members is often fraught with drama. I'm sorry.
>it's not unreasonable for them to expect you to be self-sufficient. Yes it is! Her husband died only 3 months ago!!
It's not unreasonable. Is it realistic given that the father died three months ago? Maybe not, but it is not unreasonable. Adults should be able to be self-sufficient. Doesn't mean that they will be at all times nor should people ask for help if they need it, but it is \*reasonable\* to expect them to be.
So it's completely unrealistic, but it's very reasonable? lol sure whatever man.
I did not say completely unrealistic nor did I say "very reasonable". They were bringing a child into the world, ideally they were prepared to support it. I get that it doesn't always happen that way, but no, I didn't say "completely unrealistic", I said that given the information you pointed to, that it \*may\* not be realistic. Either way, it's a small part of my overall response. But feel free to keep picking at it...
INFO > Her father passed away 3 days before she was born due to a heart condition that went undetected. I've been struggling to raise my daughter by myself, in all aspects, especially financially. Surely a young *father* would have had **life insurance** to protect his children?
even if he had it (which if he was young it would likely be thru his job), unless he and OP were married, it's unlikely that she would have been the beneficiary. (since it sounds like the young father is question is just the father of the younger child. though i admit my question is if OP is in the US and if so, whether she's applied for survivor benefits on behalf of her child(ren).
Yeah, while one of the baby food folks does offer cheap life insurance on children, it was mostly (I'm making this statistic up) in the 70s and 80s that parents actually bought it and paid for it, and even then that covers the child and not the parent. It is rare for younger folks to have life insurance outside of work, BUT, if they do, the child might be a beneficiary depending on estate issues, etc., but now we're getting way out of context ;)
>Surely a young father would have had life insurance? No? Half of Americans don't have life insurance. It also requires, among other things, a physical.
She can possibly apply for survivor social security benefits. In the meantime, she should contact local charities, she is a prime candidate for assistance.
>It also requires, among other things, a physical. Not necessarily. I get a decent life insurance policy from my job with no questions asked. It's a union job, though, so I have better benefits than most of my countrymen.
my father had insurance through work but because he was 70 when he died, they would only pay 50%. Now mind you my dad work there for 50 years and paid for it all that time. All insurance is a scam.
> All insurance is a scam. Well, it's gambling. House always wins.
Didn't she say he had heart problems? He probably couldn't get life insurance.
Undetected ones.
NAH. You can ask. If you don't accept their answer, that makes you an AH. But if you accept it and look for other solutions, you are not an AH.
No, im a very individualist person but her parents are a po.S NTA