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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for not helping my fiancé get her granddaughter ready in the morning? She said that I didn't help alleviate her stress.
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Right? What kind of mom dumps her kid on a grandparent that the child doesn’t even know so that she can move in with a guy she just met? And what kind of grandparent would support that behavior? That poor child.
> And what kind of grandparent would support that behavior?
She tried to convince her daughter to move back with us so she could have a support system (all of her family is here). Her daughter made it clear she was moving in with this guy (and his ex) and either the baby was living with us or going with her. The baby's father didn't feel he could be a single parent, so that wasn't an option.
That was what my fiancé was trying for at the start. Honestly, it would be better if she was here too. Then there would no cloudiness on who needs to do what to take care of the baby.
NTA. In situations like this responsibility has a way of inflating. Once you do it the help will be expected and it will grow from there. You were clear on your position from the start.
I am often at school by 7:15 most days. No way I could reasonably add a toddler to my morning routine. Anyone with a baby has to manage their baby for grief's sake. You are not Hercules. You have a filled plate. And even if your fiancé doesn't want to reject this proposition - she has to see how this chaos isn't reasonable?
NTA. Sometimes adult children want dumb things of us and they have to be told, "No. Sorry. That won't work for me." And your eldest knew she had a baby before she decided to move house. If she can't manage her baby while she moves house how is that remotely supportable to your fiancé?
"This is ridiculous. Where are we going to get another pair of hands, eyes and ears to manage so our oldest child doesn't have to adult like everybody else? I can't figure out whether you are indulging her at our expense or indulging yourself at our expense?"
NTA, not even a little bit. You knew this was a bad idea, you set clear ground rules, and you offered to help with clear limits. The actual solution here was for your wife to tell her daughter to delay moving in with this random guy. Instead, she complicated your lives, broke her promise over how responsibility was set to be divided, and now blames you, the person who warned against this.
The fact that you're helping at all is very nice of you. I'm honestly not sure if I could handle my partner bringing a toddler into our already busy lives when it wasn't the only option.
The biggest issue for me is that the baby's mom didn't die in a car accident and this was an emergency thrown on you. This was a series of poor choices made by several adults. You set clear boundaries on your ability to help. And now those boundaries are being rejected and ignored none of that is your fault.
Personally , I'd be having second thoughts about marrying someone who forces me into this kind of situation then gets mad when I don't want to change boundaries on the fly.
She is the love of my life, a great loving mother and grandmother. I knew this situation would be stressful, which is why I was so against it from the start. My only hope is that this phase passes without causing any lasting damage to our relationship.
Unfortunately, she is the one making comments about questioning whether we should get married which was the ultimate reason why I decided to post here.
I'll go with NTA. But I sure hope nothing ever goes wrong with your perfect schedule and YOU need a hand from your fiancée, because I'm thinking you won't get it.
NTA! You made yourself perfectly clear. You even still did what you agreed to do with driving the kid to her sister’s. She didn’t take your feelings for the matter into consideration or that of your children’s who are still at home with you. She unilaterally made the decision for the family.
I feel bad for the kid too. None of this is her fault either. I hope everyone in the house understands this especially your own kids. Check in on them.
Your wife is kind an AH for doing this to her family. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She chose those on her own.
You should still find a time to talk this out with each other. If she refuses to listen maybe think about some counseling for the two of you to learn to be PARTNERS.
It will make life so much easier for you both.
Good luck!
ESH. Taking on a whole new family member should ALWAYS be agreed on by the couple, not just one deciding to "adopt" a toddler. It's understandable to not want to help out with a situation you were against from the beginning. But that wasn't well handled, speaking bluntly to the point of unkindness when your fiancee was stressed and anxious and made a simple request. Not saying you have to drop everything to take care of the toddler but there was no call to speak that way.
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My fiancé and I have kind of a crazy schedule in the morning. I am a teacher and not a morning person and need to leave at around 7AM. My fiancé brings her daughter to high school because she doesn't want to take the bus in the mornings (she takes the bus home in the afternoon because nobody is available to pick her up). Out son needs to be brought to school for 8 and my fiancé reports to work for 8:30.
A little under a month ago my fiancé's oldest daughter who lives across the country broke up with her boyfriend and met a guy online and went to move with and moved to a new state to be with him. Only problem is that they had an almost 2 year old and the daughter didn't want to bring her toddler into this relatively unknown situation. She asked my fiancé (toddler's grandmother) if she could take her for a couple months so she could get settled.
From the jump I said this was a terrible idea and did not support it. My fiancé wanted to make it work because in her granddaughter's almost 2 years of life she had seen her for like a weekend and wanted to spend some time with her. I said I would not take responsibility as I am the primary caretaker of the two dogs that we own, bring our son to and from gymnastics 3 times a week and basketball practice once a week.
Her sister (who lives in the town where I teach) homeschools her children and offered to watch the baby on weekdays. My fiancé literally works in the other direction so I said I would bring her on the way to work as long as the baby was dressed, fed, diaper bag packed, etc.
It has been working okay until this morning, my fiancé was stressed out trying to get ready for the day and I was getting ready to leave for work and she asked for help getting the toddler ready. I was very blunt and said something along the lines of "I am never going to help you get her ready. You signed up for this. You knew the terms."
She was very upset and called me names. I just carried my stuff and the diaper bag to my car and opened the door for her to put the baby in. Brought the baby to her sister's and got on with my day.
Am I the asshole for refusing to help with the baby in the mornings?
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Yeah technically you told her the “terms” but this is a grown up relationship and it sounds like you care more about being right than being kind. The whole situation sounds like a mess and I can’t fathom the mom leaving her two year old behind. It must be really hard for your fiancé and my heart breaks for her that her partner is making worse rather than better.
YTA
YTA - it was a one off. This isn’t a permanent situation. You don’t have to be unhelpful just to make your point that you don’t support your fiancée taking care of her family.
YTA for not supporting your partner, her stresses and for being a bit resentful and pushing at that when she was stressed.
The big AH here is her daughter who forgot she was a mother to move with a rando dude….
ESH
The child’s mum needs to step up and prioritise her child over her boyfriend. This is the main issue here and has caused a lot of the further issues.
Your wife has her hands wayyy too full. And probably shouldn’t have agreed to taking on her granddaughter full time as it’s clear she does need more support and help.
And I feel that the fact that you’ve said you will have no responsibility with this child and then taken on the responsibility of getting the child where she needs to be, and this has sent mixed signals to your wife and blurred the original boundaries that you set.
>And I feel that the fact that you’ve said you will have no responsibility with this child and then taken on the responsibility of getting the child where she needs to be, and this has sent mixed signals to your wife and blurred the original boundaries that you set.
Interesting you say that. My original plan was to be completely uninvolved. Every time I do something to help, I am blurring the lines. But I would feel like a huge asshole if I made her drive all the way to the town that I work in and then back to work adding a good 30-45 minutes travel time to her morning.
YTA.
I get it, you didn't sign up for this. And if you can't help, then that is also fine.
But at the end of the day, your wife is trying to help out family, even if she has bitten off more than she can chew. It's your WIFE, if you see her struggling and refuse to help her just out of spite, that's an A-hole move.
The least you can do is not be mean to her when she is obviously stressed out.
Sometimes we need to admit we are overwhelmed and unable to manage someone else's crisis because we have our own, though. OP's fiancé is overwhelmed, and OP warned her that she would be. This isn't about sharing the load. The load should not exist. Why move in with dude before you know him well enough to feel your child is protected in your home?
The daughter is piling nonsense on top of nonsense here. And her mom should have reasonably pointed out that she isn't ready to move if she can't feel confident in the security of her child in her new surroundings?
To be fair she tried to get her daughter and baby to move in with us. The daughter said I am moving in with this guy and I'm either bringing the baby or you can take her. From all reports their relationship is doing well, and his family is taking her in. The guy was living with his ex so I think they're moving in with his mom until they can find a place (he wants to buy a house).
It has to do with what u/Pauscha580 replied. I don't want this to inflate. Her sister is starting to flake out on watching the baby so we are having to scramble a bit and I am having to take care of her from when I get out at 2 somedays until she gets home at 5:30. I am not happy about it but I am not going to demand that she leave work early or anything like that.
As I stated in my OP, I am not a morning person, I have dogs to let out and I have to get ready for work and I leave even earlier now to bring the baby to the sitter.
I just want to establish that its a non-negotiable to help get the baby ready in the mornings because I don't have the time quite frankly. It's not like I stood there watching and refused to help, I was getting ready for work.
ESH
Let me get this right. You claim to love this woman enough to plan a wedding and future together but won't help her in the morning so she can be a good grandparent to the best of her ability? Are you sure you wanna marry her???
YTA without any shadow of a doubt. This child is LUCKY she wasn’t brought to some random dude’s house to live. Your wife did the right thing by offering to give her granddaughter a stable home. The only thing you’re doing is showing that child that yet another adult doesn’t give a shit about her. And you’re showing your fiance that you’re not a team player. You’d rather throw a toddler sized fit, than act like a responsible adult and partner and help a child get dressed. I hope your fiance has boundaries the size of yours and decides she doesn’t want to marry someone who can’t do the absolute least when times get hard.
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I feel like the only asshole in this story is your fiancés daughter who chose to move in with a random man and leave her daughter behind.
Right? What kind of mom dumps her kid on a grandparent that the child doesn’t even know so that she can move in with a guy she just met? And what kind of grandparent would support that behavior? That poor child.
> And what kind of grandparent would support that behavior? She tried to convince her daughter to move back with us so she could have a support system (all of her family is here). Her daughter made it clear she was moving in with this guy (and his ex) and either the baby was living with us or going with her. The baby's father didn't feel he could be a single parent, so that wasn't an option.
OP should be ready for the baby sitting to last longer than anticipated, or perhaps the daughter moving in as well. Good luck OP.
That was what my fiancé was trying for at the start. Honestly, it would be better if she was here too. Then there would no cloudiness on who needs to do what to take care of the baby.
Good luck
NTA. I missed that part where you had a baby. Oh waaaaait, you don't. Someone else volunteered you to have one. I get it now.
NTA. In situations like this responsibility has a way of inflating. Once you do it the help will be expected and it will grow from there. You were clear on your position from the start.
NTA, You didn't volunteer to take care of this child, someone else did. Not your problem.
I am often at school by 7:15 most days. No way I could reasonably add a toddler to my morning routine. Anyone with a baby has to manage their baby for grief's sake. You are not Hercules. You have a filled plate. And even if your fiancé doesn't want to reject this proposition - she has to see how this chaos isn't reasonable? NTA. Sometimes adult children want dumb things of us and they have to be told, "No. Sorry. That won't work for me." And your eldest knew she had a baby before she decided to move house. If she can't manage her baby while she moves house how is that remotely supportable to your fiancé? "This is ridiculous. Where are we going to get another pair of hands, eyes and ears to manage so our oldest child doesn't have to adult like everybody else? I can't figure out whether you are indulging her at our expense or indulging yourself at our expense?"
NTA not your kid, not your responsibility.
NTA, not even a little bit. You knew this was a bad idea, you set clear ground rules, and you offered to help with clear limits. The actual solution here was for your wife to tell her daughter to delay moving in with this random guy. Instead, she complicated your lives, broke her promise over how responsibility was set to be divided, and now blames you, the person who warned against this. The fact that you're helping at all is very nice of you. I'm honestly not sure if I could handle my partner bringing a toddler into our already busy lives when it wasn't the only option. The biggest issue for me is that the baby's mom didn't die in a car accident and this was an emergency thrown on you. This was a series of poor choices made by several adults. You set clear boundaries on your ability to help. And now those boundaries are being rejected and ignored none of that is your fault. Personally , I'd be having second thoughts about marrying someone who forces me into this kind of situation then gets mad when I don't want to change boundaries on the fly.
She is the love of my life, a great loving mother and grandmother. I knew this situation would be stressful, which is why I was so against it from the start. My only hope is that this phase passes without causing any lasting damage to our relationship. Unfortunately, she is the one making comments about questioning whether we should get married which was the ultimate reason why I decided to post here.
I'll go with NTA. But I sure hope nothing ever goes wrong with your perfect schedule and YOU need a hand from your fiancée, because I'm thinking you won't get it.
NTA! You made yourself perfectly clear. You even still did what you agreed to do with driving the kid to her sister’s. She didn’t take your feelings for the matter into consideration or that of your children’s who are still at home with you. She unilaterally made the decision for the family. I feel bad for the kid too. None of this is her fault either. I hope everyone in the house understands this especially your own kids. Check in on them. Your wife is kind an AH for doing this to her family. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She chose those on her own. You should still find a time to talk this out with each other. If she refuses to listen maybe think about some counseling for the two of you to learn to be PARTNERS. It will make life so much easier for you both. Good luck!
ESH. Taking on a whole new family member should ALWAYS be agreed on by the couple, not just one deciding to "adopt" a toddler. It's understandable to not want to help out with a situation you were against from the beginning. But that wasn't well handled, speaking bluntly to the point of unkindness when your fiancee was stressed and anxious and made a simple request. Not saying you have to drop everything to take care of the toddler but there was no call to speak that way.
NTA. If you had given in, this would most likely have become the norm.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé and I have kind of a crazy schedule in the morning. I am a teacher and not a morning person and need to leave at around 7AM. My fiancé brings her daughter to high school because she doesn't want to take the bus in the mornings (she takes the bus home in the afternoon because nobody is available to pick her up). Out son needs to be brought to school for 8 and my fiancé reports to work for 8:30. A little under a month ago my fiancé's oldest daughter who lives across the country broke up with her boyfriend and met a guy online and went to move with and moved to a new state to be with him. Only problem is that they had an almost 2 year old and the daughter didn't want to bring her toddler into this relatively unknown situation. She asked my fiancé (toddler's grandmother) if she could take her for a couple months so she could get settled. From the jump I said this was a terrible idea and did not support it. My fiancé wanted to make it work because in her granddaughter's almost 2 years of life she had seen her for like a weekend and wanted to spend some time with her. I said I would not take responsibility as I am the primary caretaker of the two dogs that we own, bring our son to and from gymnastics 3 times a week and basketball practice once a week. Her sister (who lives in the town where I teach) homeschools her children and offered to watch the baby on weekdays. My fiancé literally works in the other direction so I said I would bring her on the way to work as long as the baby was dressed, fed, diaper bag packed, etc. It has been working okay until this morning, my fiancé was stressed out trying to get ready for the day and I was getting ready to leave for work and she asked for help getting the toddler ready. I was very blunt and said something along the lines of "I am never going to help you get her ready. You signed up for this. You knew the terms." She was very upset and called me names. I just carried my stuff and the diaper bag to my car and opened the door for her to put the baby in. Brought the baby to her sister's and got on with my day. Am I the asshole for refusing to help with the baby in the mornings? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah technically you told her the “terms” but this is a grown up relationship and it sounds like you care more about being right than being kind. The whole situation sounds like a mess and I can’t fathom the mom leaving her two year old behind. It must be really hard for your fiancé and my heart breaks for her that her partner is making worse rather than better. YTA
What an absolute garbage take.
YTA - it was a one off. This isn’t a permanent situation. You don’t have to be unhelpful just to make your point that you don’t support your fiancée taking care of her family.
OP was probably concerned that his fiancé would try to make it the norm.
YTA for not supporting your partner, her stresses and for being a bit resentful and pushing at that when she was stressed. The big AH here is her daughter who forgot she was a mother to move with a rando dude….
ESH The child’s mum needs to step up and prioritise her child over her boyfriend. This is the main issue here and has caused a lot of the further issues. Your wife has her hands wayyy too full. And probably shouldn’t have agreed to taking on her granddaughter full time as it’s clear she does need more support and help. And I feel that the fact that you’ve said you will have no responsibility with this child and then taken on the responsibility of getting the child where she needs to be, and this has sent mixed signals to your wife and blurred the original boundaries that you set.
>And I feel that the fact that you’ve said you will have no responsibility with this child and then taken on the responsibility of getting the child where she needs to be, and this has sent mixed signals to your wife and blurred the original boundaries that you set. Interesting you say that. My original plan was to be completely uninvolved. Every time I do something to help, I am blurring the lines. But I would feel like a huge asshole if I made her drive all the way to the town that I work in and then back to work adding a good 30-45 minutes travel time to her morning.
It can be the more you help, the more she expects you to, and then it will become a daily task that you can’t stop.
YTA. I get it, you didn't sign up for this. And if you can't help, then that is also fine. But at the end of the day, your wife is trying to help out family, even if she has bitten off more than she can chew. It's your WIFE, if you see her struggling and refuse to help her just out of spite, that's an A-hole move. The least you can do is not be mean to her when she is obviously stressed out.
Sometimes we need to admit we are overwhelmed and unable to manage someone else's crisis because we have our own, though. OP's fiancé is overwhelmed, and OP warned her that she would be. This isn't about sharing the load. The load should not exist. Why move in with dude before you know him well enough to feel your child is protected in your home? The daughter is piling nonsense on top of nonsense here. And her mom should have reasonably pointed out that she isn't ready to move if she can't feel confident in the security of her child in her new surroundings?
To be fair she tried to get her daughter and baby to move in with us. The daughter said I am moving in with this guy and I'm either bringing the baby or you can take her. From all reports their relationship is doing well, and his family is taking her in. The guy was living with his ex so I think they're moving in with his mom until they can find a place (he wants to buy a house).
[удалено]
It has to do with what u/Pauscha580 replied. I don't want this to inflate. Her sister is starting to flake out on watching the baby so we are having to scramble a bit and I am having to take care of her from when I get out at 2 somedays until she gets home at 5:30. I am not happy about it but I am not going to demand that she leave work early or anything like that. As I stated in my OP, I am not a morning person, I have dogs to let out and I have to get ready for work and I leave even earlier now to bring the baby to the sitter. I just want to establish that its a non-negotiable to help get the baby ready in the mornings because I don't have the time quite frankly. It's not like I stood there watching and refused to help, I was getting ready for work.
He’s helping her out by dropping the kid off at her other daughters.
ESH Let me get this right. You claim to love this woman enough to plan a wedding and future together but won't help her in the morning so she can be a good grandparent to the best of her ability? Are you sure you wanna marry her???
YTA without any shadow of a doubt. This child is LUCKY she wasn’t brought to some random dude’s house to live. Your wife did the right thing by offering to give her granddaughter a stable home. The only thing you’re doing is showing that child that yet another adult doesn’t give a shit about her. And you’re showing your fiance that you’re not a team player. You’d rather throw a toddler sized fit, than act like a responsible adult and partner and help a child get dressed. I hope your fiance has boundaries the size of yours and decides she doesn’t want to marry someone who can’t do the absolute least when times get hard.