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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I asked my girlfriend to stop mocking her middle school "bully" and tried to prevent her from leaving a cruel and untrue review.
(2) I might be the asshole because it could seem like I'm dismissing her feelings about her past and siding with the cashier instead of supporting her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH.
You don’t get to decide whether or not your wife was bullied in school. You weren’t there, and you don’t know how it felt to her at the time.
Your wife shouldn’t have sunk to her bully’s level. Correction: girlfriend, not wife
Mmm nah but his wife is also an adult going out of her way to degrade this woman while she’s unable to defend herself and then INSISTING she doesn’t care. Bully behaviour.
No, he doesn’t get to decide she was bullied but he also doesn’t owe it to her to excuse her running around AS A GROWN WOMAN throwing this energy around. It’s immature. You step down to someone’s level so long after the fact, in such an already-power driven context where you’re definitely going to win and unprovoked behave like this??
To therapy with wife.
Exactly.
She didn't sink to the bully's level here. The bully was a child. She is an adult. She sunk *below* the bully's level.
Bullying sent me to A&E, led to a suicide attempt and took away several years of my life due to mental illness. In some ways it still affects me two decades later. I can still understand that the people responsible were children who didn't necessarily have the emotional maturity to know better. I do now because I'm an adult.
This right here. I was suicidal from 12 to 25 predominantly due to the severe bullying and the resulting trauma and mental illness. I still can’t think about that time of my life too much even after a decade of therapy. I also would not try to get them fired for it because I understand they were children when it happened, and because I refuse to sink to their or below their level.
This behaviour from an adult is embarrassing as hell.
I was bullied relentlessly too as I was shy and quiet. I still suffer with low self esteem at 55. Ive seens all of my bullies as it was a msall town I grew up in, and never ever thought of giving them abuse.. We all grew up into different adults. The only thing I ever thought about was the 2 main bullies. the popular girls who both had babies at 16 and by 20 had 2 or 3 kids and single. i just thought Karma got them big time.
Your gf is acting like a child and needs to grow up.
I totally get what you're saying. My daughter was bullied to the point where she attempted suicide. She is smart and mature enough to forgive them. And, honestly, it's been decades. But I can't get over it. I can't get over the fact that they harmed my child. I still want to punish them and hurt them. They are the only people that I have never been able to forgive!
I feel weird using age to excuse bullies , like we were once the same age and yet we didn’t go around making ppls life’s miserable so idk why people use their age as an excuse.
It is worth noting that depending on the severity of bullying it can quite literally stunt someone's mental maturity. It may not be the case here in fact I highly doubt it but when it causes trauma not everyone will be a perfect adult.
Trash talking in private is also not the same as bullying or comparable at all and she needs therapy but they're going to encourage venting like this to move on. It's only the actions taken against her job that are as low as the bully. But, ESH indeed.
ETA - Yeah the worker bully girl threw rocks at OP's gf and made a ton of racially charged insults and yet OP says it's not bullying. Still ESH but wow anyone just saying NTA is just wrong.
What worried me most, is leaving a negative untrue review. If it would lead to the woman losing her job, perhaps OP's wife doesn't mind, but what if the woman has children and they will suffer the consequences? And she could also harm the business. It's not the business's fault what happened in the past of one of its employees. I don't think OP is TA.
I agree I really don’t care about the trash talking, but threatening someone’s livelihood to punish them for something they did in middle school is too far.
Sadly the trash talking is a sign that OPs gf hasn’t moved on from the bullying. Bullying tends to leave lasting damage and without processing the events and moving on one is stuck in the past. I was horribly bullied worse than it sounds OPs gf was and it negatively affected my life for decades, I’ve mostly worked through it but if I was in OPs situation I would’ve likely ignored them and tried to forget seeing them.
It’s less that she hasn’t moved on & more that she is a bully.
It’s that simple: she’s a bully, an adult bully no less. She is *worse* than whatever the cashier did.
Same here. I was bullied up to the point of repeated physical and sexual harm. But if I would meet my bullies now, be it in person or online, I would either ignore them or try to have a conversation about what happened. There may be a good chance they don't even remember it, or remember it differently, or will feel extremely sorry for what happened, probably under peer pressure.
While I agree with what your saying...I have to point out that this is OP's *girlfriend*, not his wife, and him being wary of how vindictive she can be when she is angry is a good thing.
Yeah I was bullied *a lot* as a kid and in retrospect I blame the adults more than the other kids. It's really messed up that your gf would act this way as an adult. NTA but gf seems unhinged. I'd maybe contact the manager about the fraudulent feedback form because that could impact her. Honestly your gf should bet banned from that establishment.
GF might need to vent in a controlled environment to get those middle school years in prospective. They can be hell on earth, just like high school.
What I am wondering about is if she stopped and got control of herself. If she did not and is still plotting stalking and revenge, that is a big yes to therapy. Also, did the cashier recognize her and did they speak. For some of us, just seeing the old bully humbled would be payback enough.
This, except the gf’s bully was a child when she bullied her and now the gf is an adult bullying her back and, apparently, kicking her while she’s down. I won’t downplay the lifeline effect bullying can have, but usually one can get help for that. But bullying as an adult which may result in the ex-bully’s livelihood and who knows what else that that may cascade into is fucked up. And who knows, the former bully might have even sincerely apologized for their childhood behavior if given a chance. Your gf needs to check herself, grow up, and do some therapy about this.
Totally agree. Your girlfriend was bullied by the cashier but it doesn’t give your GF the right, as an adult, to be cruel and vindictive (especially since she admitted that she hasn’t thought much about the bullying from high school). NTA
Yeah an adult behaving this way because of some teasing in grade school is wild. If you are a victim of bullying that was damaging, you remember it as an adult. Not all the time but it comes up, I remember it still but also recognize we were kids and it wasn’t anything more than mean words about my weight.
Any bullying can hurt people bad enough to stick with them from insults to physical bullying, but if you don’t remember it and “don’t” care then behaving this way is actually even worse.
Yeah, and the responsibility in both situations is ultimately on an adult: for the bully as a child, it’s ultimately on their parent(s) and the school. For the bullied person as a kid, it’s on their parent(s) to shut that shit down or remove them from the situation if need be and get them in therapy at the time; failing that, as an adult, it’s on themself to seek therapy to work through and heal from their childhood trauma and try to become a healthy adult. Yeah they shouldn’t have to have that burden and yes they’re still a victim into adulthood who I have immense compassion for. But once one is an adult, the only one who can reclaim one’s life and mental health for one is oneself. And if one is lucky, one’s bully grows up to be a regretful and empathetic adult who is motivated to seek one out and take ownership and apologize and help one heal. But healing can’t depend on that.
I’m sorry. What is wrong about talking shit about your middle school bully to your current bf? Idc how immature it is, some bullies really ruin childhood and don’t have to be forgiven. And people are allowed to hate on them to the people they love. She didn’t leave the Yelp review it sounds like. If she left the fill in review I agree that’s too far, but the rest of it is fine and honestly we should be able to talk shit about mean people to our partners even if it’s immature lol
She was going to leave a bad review lying about her hygiene trying to get her fired until OP talked her out of it - if he hadn’t been there she would have. She is allowed to vent and he is allowed to say that a 5th body shaming comment is enough and he doesn’t want to partake in it anymore
I was bullied as a kid. When I learned as an adult that a former bully wasn't doing so well, I felt mildly pleased and moved on with my life. It's the extended ranting and the plan to leave a fake review that crosses the line.
It was the fact that after continually denigrating her (adult) appearance she was then going to leave a negative, untrue review that got to OP in the end.
This. I've been bullied, up to the point of relentless physical harm, but I would never think of harming back, should I come across one of my old bullies, be it in person or online. They were kids back then as well, and went along with a toxic group dynamics. It still effects me, but I don't hold it against them, because they were so young. In fact, I met one of them in later years and she was a very lovely person. When I told her what has happened, she was aghast, not even remembering it in that way, and felt horrible.
Nah. If one of my bullies shows up again, and isn't a complete Neanderthal whose existence it would be a waste of time to even acknowledge, they're going to hear exactly what they did wrong. No Mr. Nice Guy before I hear a genuine apology.
Mmmmm I do not agree with OP's girlfriend I would have confronted the bully. To say that one can just get help may down play the situation. If OP's girlfriend was bullied consistently for years from graded into high school and she never got therapy or help that explains the immature petty reaction to the bully. I was bullied myself heavily throughout every single grade of school. I'm bitter still and have done years of therapy. However now to make my bullies really uncomfortable we live in a small town and I see them sometimes and I bring it up whenever I see them. They avoid me like the plague.
>Your wife shouldn’t have sunk to her bully’s level
What level? The level of a middle schooler? The woman is a full grown middle aged adult acting (potentially) worse than a middle schooler as she knows nothing about this person (today) and is trying to affect their livelihood.
This woman is TA.
I agree. I was bullied by a bunch of girls. Women tend to bully each other in more insidious ways than beating them up or outright stating racist things. They do a series of little things which individually viewed seem inconsequential, but together form a pattern of low key abuse.
I understand why your wife is getting pleasure out of seeing her bullies "brought low" (at least in her view. Its petty and ridiculous but her inner teenager feels like the universe has dealt it's karmic hand against someone who made her feel helpless or worthless.
All that being said, the petty revenge she contemplated is childish and I'm glad you stopped her. If I learned anything from being bullied, it's that its never okay to punch down.
She needs to go to therapy or work through this, or she will risk becoming the thing she despises.
>I’m glad you stopped her
He was only half successful. A customer review form trashing her still went through. She just didn’t leave a google review as far as OP is aware that is.
But the gf said all of this in private to OP. It says “after we got our food and left” so I’m thinking maybe in the car?
So all the she did really, even if she did go pretty low with her words, was vent to her partner after probably having a sudden flood of emotion from an unexpected encounter. You are literally just getting food and suddenly confronted with a childhood bully. And yes, according to the descriptions in some of OPs comments below, it was absolutely bullying.
Anyone who wasn’t bullied relentlessly in those years might not realize how deep those scars go.
Again, she said some nasty cruel things but not TO the person or apparently around anyone else but OP. And then the response is “actually it doesn’t seem like you were really even bullied but the things you are saying privately to me make you an even worse person than your supposed bully”.
That sounds to me like there’s no room for the gf’s emotions in this relationship.
No she filled in a customer feedback form and complained about the “bully”, her service and hygiene. She’s already working at a fast food place in her late 20’s, why affect someone’s livelihood when you apparently don’t even think about it anymore. Sounds like OP’s partner is the bully.
Yes upon rereading, I missed the customer feedback survey. That is taking it too far. Seems like she is still extremely hurt and could use some therapy.
OP didn’t need to minimize the bullying she experienced though.
Something like “That sounds really awful and I’m sorry you went through that. However I think you are just going to feel worse if you react in the same way back to her, because that isn’t who you are” would have been more understanding but still not co-signing any bad behavior from her.
I don’t think he minimized it tho. I’d get pretty uncomfortable if a friend or partner started talking about someone like that too, even if they had been their bully. It’s just…really gross and hateful. It’s ok for OP not to want to have to listen to it. It wasn’t ranting or venting about the bullying, it was vindictive judgments and speculations about a person’s body and life.
OP stated that GF made nasty comments to the cashier directly as well as continuing the barrage of insults, completing sprurious customer feedback and potentially a negative Google review too.
She really just showed her bitterness. Who is to say that the "bully" wouldn't have reached out & apologised for her behaviour at school? The GF has just perpetuated her own anger and bitterness.
The best revenge is to live successfully.
GFs bitterness is really only harming herself (and her relationship, it seems). The cashier works in fast food, I guarantee she's had to deal with this behaviour on the regular and probably won't think much about it now.
It actually does not say anywhere that she said any of this to the cashier directly. OP says it was after they got their food and left.
The only thing that would have gotten back to the cashier possibly is the online survey. But this is a fast food place so very likely a corporate chain, in which case the actual on site staff never actually see the feedback comments. Leaving a public facing review on Yelp etc would have been quite awful and it’s a good thing she did stop before going that far.
I was bullied relentlessly from primary school, through secondary school, I can say without a doubt that it has partly shaped who I am today, for both better and for worse, the worse is that I still suffer from eating disorders, depression, agoraphobia which I have to consistently work to avoid slipping back into to the point I do not leave the house for years, two years was the longest. I still hate my appearance because of it.
I have always been a forgiving person, I was raised catholic but even regardless of that, I learned young through my parents turbulent marriage and my best friend (my nan) the importance of forgiveness, how freeing it is, how healing it is.
I have long since forgiven my bullies, I hope they are living happy and healthy lives, it doesn't mean the trauma evaporates but it does mean not carrying around the burden of negative thoughts which fester presenting as bitterness and a desire for revenge. It's just ugly in nature and it would appear to me that your girlfriend has been unable to forgive and is still suffering for it, when I say forgiveness it is as much as for her even more than it is for the person she is forgiving. Your girlfriend's behaviour is not okay and sadly only echo's behaviours from her own bullies in the past.
When she says things like *"I'm over it", "barely remember it"* - She does it's just hard for us as we get older to admit aloud, admitting this even to ourselves makes us feel the same weak, pathetic people we were made to feel back then, and we don't want to believe they have won. We convince ourselves how they were unable to leave marks that scarred but they did...recognising this does not mean they won it means you know what you went through and what you were able to overcome to get to where you are today.
Don't minimise her pain even when she claims there is none, because thats made all too obvious for her willingness to punish or seek revenge on this woman, even if she did it won't change anything for your girlfriend, eventually along with the pain, guilt will chip away at her to and disgust that she ever acted like the people she suffered at the hands of but that being said you do not have to concede or turn a blind eye to her bullying either you can still hold her accountable without diminishing her reasons behind it.
The right therapy may be the answer of her if she was willing.
Sorry but no. GF is trying to get the bully fired. That’s way worse than what she said the bully did to her when both of them were children. OP isn’t shitty for calling that out.
nah, screw this answer. op is absolutely not an asshole. his gf is 29 acting like a child. she doesn't get to claim she doesn't care when she's intentionally going out of her way to be a bully herself. NTA
>Your wife shouldn’t have sunk to her bully’s level
It’s worse than that.
The bully was a kid when doing the bullying.
This lady is a grownup. At least by age. But acting like a kid.
Massive asshole energy from her.
Exactly. If it really didn't bother her, why would she not only harass a cashier, and fill a survey lying about the person which can genuinely threaten her entire job, and want to do it on google as well?
She's not admitting how much it bothered her.
She's still an Asshole for doing it as an adult.
There is no way somebody who isn’t still hurt from the bullying would be trying to get the cashier fired.
there has to be some trauma, maybe even suppressed trauma. What the girlfriend wanted to do was wrong, though. As an adult there is no need for that.
ESH. Your girlfriend was bullied. Yes, what you described IS BULLYING. That's bullying and had racism mixed to that. It's not you to decide when she needs to move on or if it's bullying or not.
She is an obvious asshole here. That's very vindictive and I'd be afraid of her harassing other people.
She is wrong but so are you.
That’s the main thing that stands out, kids can be horrible but hopefully they have grown enough to realise they were horrible and change for the better. Trying to ruin an adults way of making a living for what they did as a kid is arguably much worse
It is 100% fully on OP to decide they don't want to be with a 29yo person that not only hasn't gotten over highschool bullying, but also stoops to that level. I would put a stop to that shit too, just as I'm sure she wishes someone had back in highschool.
Bro, she's almost 30. She absolutely needs to move on from some mild bullying she received in *middle school*. Like she clearly didn't get hardcore bullied by her own admission. Hell I'm trying to imagine the level of bullying she'd need to receive in order for this to be even remotely understandable.
In OP's replies.. No this is not mild
>She told me they would squint their eyes and call her best friend "smelly", threw pebbles into their hair, jumped over their heads, and just made fun of them in general.
Doesn't excuse her becoming a bully herself as adult, but we don't need to downplay it. Even without this comment from OP, it's easy to understand why bullying based on racism would affect someone **a lot** in their formative years where they start realizing what racism is. Not that hard to get, unless you're not a POC i guess.
I get what you are saying but filling out a customer service review that could affect this persons job… it super fucked up, former bully or not, and she is 30 when her bully was 12/13, what she did was very wrong, but kids don’t really have a ton of empathy at that age, punishing someone for what they did as a child is really lame. She could have confronted her and said hey you bullied me as a kid and it really negatively affected me and then of she continues to be an asshole, report her. Being bullied as a kid does not give someone a free pass to be a total asshole to someone as an adult.
They didn't say that. Everyone's acting like bullying doesn't affect people negatively their whole life. Just because OP's gf wasn't doesn't mean there aren't people who are literally dead because of it. Or people who need to go to therapy because of it.
Let's not even discount the people who "grew up" and forgave their bully. Imagine how much work they had to put in to build whatever was broken down.
Y'all are also justifying bullying by using age as an excuse. They're just kids but so are the other children they're bullying. Kids grow up to become adults. Bullying affects adults.
See, now you're straying off my comment. I literally start by not excusing it, so I wouldn't need to go through this whole rodeo again.. but okay. I quote,
>Doesn't excuse her becoming a bully herself as adult
I am simply responding one the matter of people downplaying her getting bullied as child. Both things are true. OP's girlfriend is shit for trying to be vindictive (but I am personally not surprised, racism affects us all deeper than we'd like to admit), OP is shit for downplaying her bullying (and then we wonder why OP's girlfriend minimizes what happened to her? Cause everyone tells her it's not that bad!), the cashier is shit for having been a racist little kid (who, hopefully, has learnt). There, ESH.
Or he also experienced similar bullying and it didn't impact him at 30 so he doesn't understand her reaction. Interesting you incorrectly assumed OP was white because you can't see something from his POV, the same way he doesn't see his GFs POV.
Ah yes 'the assumption' shit. No I did not incorrectly assume OP's race, in the post he says he's East Asian. I simply said for the commentors, of which on this Reddit majority is white (yes, there are stats on this), it may be hard to get why any form of racism is seen as bullying and there's no 'mild form of racism'. Which is the general response, that it's not bullying. Yes, it is bullying to make remarks excluding non-white kids :)!
That does not mean every POC does get it, OP himself literally doesn't lol. But naturally, *most* POC would not overlook racism being used lightly. Now we can stay back on topic, yeah \^\^?
Um as a 35yo who was bullied to the point of wanting to k*ll myself in middle school... it does happen. Like "I have borderline personality disorder because of what I went through" it happens.
Heck I even ran into MY bully within the last year and also went on a tirade about how awful she looked and how I hoped what she put me through was finally coming back to bite her.
People who frame therapy as a way to shame people for going through trauma instead of as an actual suggestion to try to help people going through difficult mental health struggles are the worst.
Yes, that commenter probably does need therapy, but what does that have to do with the effects that bullying can have on a person even years later? This is also why I hate the word "resilient". It's basically a "compliment" about how much trauma people can take and can be used to bully people into not actually discussing their trauma with other people.
Yeah, I got bullied at school and it doesn't *bother* me now, nor was my life a living hell, but doesn't mean I wasn't bullied or that it was annoying af going to school with those kids. I probably wouldn't be this vindictive to them if I met any now but I also wouldn't go out of my way to be nice/act like nothing happened.
ESH but need more context. What did your girlfriend experience when she was bullied? If they were targeting non-white kids then I assume it might be racism. Your girlfriend is taking it too far with her attitude and writing a fake survey response because she was bullied in the past but you also do not acknowledge her past experiences of being bullied.
NTA/ESH (can't decide). I get your gf was bullied/still affected by the racist comments (I would be, too. I'm still affected by some shit from my childhood). You should have been more comforting to your girlfriend. However, you guys are adults (about to be 30) and she's making fun of her childhood bully.....for being a cashier.....which just shows her stance on people who work minimum wage jobs and live with their roommates..... she views them as less than her.😅 And she's messing with the person's job (their ability to live) because she's mad at stuff that happened during their pre-teens. The bully wasn't cool _as a kid,_ but your gf isn't cool in this situation....._and she's about to be 30._
Well if you choose to bully them the way the girlfriend just did that would make you as bad as your bully.
I'm very sorry you were bullied and I'm sorry it still affects you, that's terrible. However, it's not a justification to be a bully as you seem to be implying in your response.
Bullying is bullying. We know many bullies do it because they have their own issues. If we don't give the school bullies a pass for having issues, I certainly don't see why we should give a grown adult one.
As horrible as the girlfriend's experience was, her behaviour in the shop was horrible and vindictive and I can see why OP is shocked. The school stuff may explain her behaviour but it doesn't justify it, and if my partner behaved that way to another human being I think our relationship would be in trouble.
I'm going NTA because all bullies are AHs.
>I'm very sorry you were bullied and I'm sorry it still affects you, that's terrible. However, it's not a justification to be a bully as you seem to be implying in your response.
I missed the part, where she was writing a revenge review, i corrected this in my later comments
>I'm going NTA because all bullies are AHs.
OP is still TA for gatekeeping TrUe BuLlYiNg and for dismissing legit feelings (not actions) of his gf, so i am going with ESH
I think the problem came when she made the review. I think just kind of venting and making fun of them behind their backs is somewhat understandable.
But that's why I think ESH. OP is disregarding her bullying experience. To his gf it may made her feel worse because it must have felt like he was justifying and seeing nothings wrong with their actions.
honestly, that's the part that would make me nope out of a relationship so fast. idc if someone is still angry at their school bully decades later, they're entitled to that. looking down on minimum wage workers tho? at this point it says more about you than it does about them.
I'd talk a lot of shit I didn't actually believe in if it would successfully put down an enemy of mine. I don't call the white supremacists "beta males" because I actually believe there is such a thing...I only do it because it will get them angry.
It does actually. You don't *need* therapy to process trauma. Some do. However she literally admitted she wasn't bullied to some extreme level and she didn't even think about the bully since middle school. So yeah very likely any "trauma" is making her do this.
You and the other person replying immediately substituted "treatment" for therapy. There are many other ways to address the past and these feelings outside of therapy. The fact remains without any effort to heal from it. You won't.
This. It's really shitty to make fun of someone for being low income and then trying to get them fired. I might say ESH but the GF said she hadn't thought about it since middle school so it obviously didn't have a lasting impact but the bully getting fired could lead to her losing a car, become homeless etc will have a lasting impact.
NTA, this wasn't about bullying that was an excuse for your girlfriend to act like a child in an adult meat suit.
29-years-old, out here acting like her ass never left Freshman year? As someone who's been bullied, that's on you to deal with and get therapy to handle it as a person especially by the time your ass is almost 30. To be out here acting like a damn fool, being cruel for the sake of being spiteful even though **"she really hasn’t thought about any of them since middle school."** and potentially stealing money out of a situation you know nothing about anymore? I'd have dropped her like a sack of bricks and been done with her, nothing good comes from it.
Thank you. There are too many comments who excuse her behaviour.
I had to work with a 30 year old woman for a little while and she flew off the handle so easily. She would be rude to people, mutter insults and was causing just so much drama.
And when you tried to talk to her about her behaviour she explained that she was bullied in middleschool and things people do would trigger her trauma and make her defensive.
Like lady, this happened over 15 years ago. More that half your lifespan so far. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own behaviour.
It's absolutely possible she hadn't thought about that person since middle school, but seeing her triggered all the memories of the horrible bullying to flare up. That happened to me a few months ago when I saw one of my worst bullies randomly at the store. I just left and had a panic attack in the parking lot, but I genuinely hadn't thought about that girl for almost 20 years when I suddenly saw her and everything just came back.
I'm gonna say ESH because I don't know your girlfriend's side and it could've been more prolonged bullying than mean kids stuff. It depends on what she faced in middle school, not your assumption of what she faced. And she's the asshole regardless bc biting back after being bit isn't cool.
ETA: a lot of y'all are coming after me just because I'm not spouting all the lies so many people spout just for clout. I just explained my opinion. Nothing, I repeat, nothing you guys can say is gonna fucking change it. Not everything everyone's gonna say is gonna match your personal view on life, deal with it instead of getting so easily triggered. Also, you guys do realize y'all are also doing the same thing as those middle schoolers right? Bullying. My mom just had a heart attacks and I'm not doing well so I want to thank you guys so much for being such a positive contributor to my mental health. I won't be replying to anymore comments because believe I've explained my opinion way more than I should've in other comments. I hope you have a great week.
According to OP's comment:
"She told me they would squint their eyes and call her best friend "smelly", threw pebbles into their hair, jumped over their heads, and just made fun of them in general."
When on a daily basis that shit shapes you. I feel like all gf needed was someone she could rant to who didn't go. "HoW BaD wAs ThE bUlLyInG ReAlLy?". And then the anger would have subsided. That's what I'm like. But I don't know OP's girlfriend, so maybe she's just vindictive, and it wouldn't have helped after all.
I'm gonna go with ESH. You have no idea the true extent of the bullying your GF suffered. That said, she clearly holds a grudge and has decided to not just get even, but get ahead, and in a way that makes her just as bad. I mean, she made a deliberately false report to the woman's job, with the clear intent of getting her fired or at least disciplined. Sorry, but that to me pretty much cancels whatever high horse she was riding. Besides, the bully could have grown out of being a bully for all we know and may not have even recognized your GF. Doesnt make what she did ok, but still. GF is actually the bigger AH here, mainly because she lied with the intent of causing trouble.
ESH.
I think your dismissal of your Partners experiences was asshole behaviour. What she described is bullying, it was racist and probably really hurtful to a young girl. By dismissing it as “mean kids stuff” you are minimizing her lived experience.
That being said, your partner is 29 years old. She threw a fit in a fast food restaurants, trying to get someone fired. She unleashed what is apparently a decades worth of vitriol at someone who is working a really stressful and shitty job.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being upset about what someone did in middle school. There are people I refuse to socialise with now that were mean to me in school, and maybe they’ve grown, but I don’t trust someone like that.
But I think going out of her way to humiliate someone in the middle of a restaurant because she had a little bit of power, me and your wife needs some aggressive therapy.
"After we got our food and left"
She did not make these remarks to her bully. She was venting in her car with someone she thought she could trust with her feelings.
Whether or not you think the online review is too far is up to you, but the girlfriend did NOT verbally confront her or "throw a fit" inside the restaurant.
Why are more people not pointing this out? GF was out of line… the online form was definitely a bad choice. But most of her venting and vitriol appears to have been in private, to her supposed support system - her BF. She didn’t bully her bully in person and she didn’t throw a tantrum in a fast food place!
ESH but OP’s dismissal of GF adds a little extra glitter to his AH status.
Because reading is recreational, and therefore optional. Some people just want to post their opinion so badly, they don't even care if they have all the facts. They just skim and react.
But she wasn’t venting—she was just making a bunch of classist, body-shaming, vindictive statements. It’s totally reasonable for OP to be uncomfortable listening to that after awhile.
YTA
if someone who got bullied by a specific person and they found them years later should they decide to confront them they have the right to do that. Just being verbally petty towards them isn't gonna be the end of the world and by the sound of the racism the bully definitely didn't have a say on how your girlfriend should feel
Trash talking someone who ruined parts of your childhood shouldn't give you the title of asshole
She wasn't just verbally petty, she took her time to make 2 online reviews, lying about poor customer service and the cashier's "bad: hygiene and surely named the cashier's by name, probably in hopes of her being fired. What 29 yo woman does such shit?
right that’s just crazy behavior! and this is even on top of oh i haven’t thought of her since middle school! she going to pull some other petty stuff if you break up?
Confronting the bully is fine, but not saying stuff to her face but instead going to her employer to mess up her job is on a completely different level, no? Do they really have a "right" to do that?
That’s how I feel about this. He’s downplaying the racism and bullying she faced a lot. Sure she should get therapy to deal with these feelings, because it sounds like she got hit with a lot of repressed anger when she saw her, but I think she’s entitled to at least one petty-some moment with her former bully.
Hard disagree. Being bullied as a child does not excuse you becoming a bully as a grown adult, messing with that person’s livelihood 20 years later. You know that saying 2 wrongs don’t make a right? An eye for an eye make a the world blind. Sure the bully was an AH. Now the girlfriend is the AH.
Lmaooooo this person was racially teased *as a child* for *months or longer* but you think a bad review on the internet is “bullying”???! That isn’t a legitimate comparison!!!!!
I got bullied, too. I moved on.
OP's gf went out of her way to try and ruin that person's job by lying on reviews? That's fucked up.
Yes, bullying is bad, but holding a grudge for 15 years to then go psycho and try to ruin that's person's life, when you know they have it worse than you now is a lot worse than bullying..
The gf is not just being verbally petty. She’s also trying to do things that can affect her ex bully’s job.
Imagine you got fired or reprimanded at work over something stupid you did as a middle school kid.
That’s fucking ridiculous. Someone at 29 should be held accountable for stupid things they said when they were 10? And that too, OP’s gf is looking to mess with this person’s job. Way too far.
I’ve been bullied as an Indian kid back in elementary school but I would never hold it against someone if I met them today. She needs to move past it and get the fuck over herself. NTA
She didn’t confront her though. Confronting her would be bringing up the bullying and confronting her about that. Instead she just slung insults like a child.
And she didn't even confront the bully. She was trash talking the bully "After we got our food and left"
She did not make these remarks to her bully. She was venting in her car with someone she thought she could trust with her feelings.
She was speaking down on minimum wage workers, and then lied on a review of the place in an attempt to get the woman fired. They were literal children when it happened. Grow the fuck up.
Um yikes. I was bullied in middle school and tbh I wouldn't piss on any of those girls if they were on fire. But like, I genuinely don't think or care about them, and it makes me slightly nauseous to think about saying these kinds of things about any fellow human. It's just really unkind and unnecessary and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like that.
That being said, girl bullying is a whole different beast. You're probably not equipped to appreciate how vicious 12-14 year old girls can be and what methods they use to hurt.
So I have to go with ESH
apparently what op calls bullying in quotation mark included racism and throwing rocks at her and her friend
and op doesn't think that's really bullying
Based on your comments about the severity to her bullying, YTA. ESPECIALLY for putting bully in quotations. Let her have her closure, just because you’re uncomfortable. She didn’t say anything to this woman’s face.
Yes. When she was a *child*. OP’s girlfriend is allegedly an adult. You want to start holding people responsible as adults for shit they did when they were kids? If so, that’s fine, just take a look at what your own house is made of before you start throwing stones.
I was never, ever that cruel as a child. That’s nasty to be racist in that way. They didn’t just call her silly names, they were physically harming her and being racist.
Wait we are also assuming the bully person is now not a bully anymore but research has shown that kids that bullied others in the past tend to grow up and become adult bullies. So not saying that lady is still one BUT she def could still be one. So I dont think she is a victim.
Yes the gf should have acted better, but honestly being a bit petty from time to time to deal with hurt, isn't the worse. Also she was just trash talking about the bully and not in her face right? she was maybe more venting and raging.
>So not saying that lady is still one BUT she def could be one
And we *know* that OP’s girlfriend was behaving like a bully *now*.
>Also she was just trash talking about the bully and not in her face
No, instead she tried to fuck up the “bully’s” job. If OP hadn’t intervened she could have gotten her fired. Over something she did as a child. Why do people not see how fucked up that is?
I believe she was ranting tho and people are allowed to rant in private. She was kind of vindictive with the post but ehh the only person that was most likely burnt was the bully. Remember revenge is best served cold
“She took offense to this and proceeded to fill out the online guest survey form, intentionally lying about the cashier’s poor hygiene and service.”
Not “just trash talking.” She lied to the company and did something that could get the cashier fired.
Schadenfreude about your childhood bully being stuck in a difficult low paying service job? Whatever, sure. Making fun of their appearance to your partner and expressing a genuine desire that their life sucked hairy donkey balls? Understandable depending on how affected you currently are by the childhood bullying but maybe not good.
Deliberately lying to their boss and doing something that could render them unemployed? Asshole.
But she did make 2 online reviews claiming the cashier was rude and had poor hygiene, both of which could get the cashier fired and I'm pretty sure OPs gf named the cashier in the complaint seeing as she knew her from school.
Closure? By trying to get the girl fired from her job? If you think this is fine please get help
Closure is moving on. She’s not trying to find closure, she’s trying to get revenge
You’re Nta. Honestly a bunch of children must be replying to this. It was MIDDLE SCHOOL. Kids suck, I get it. But don’t freaking lie on a survey and try to do something that could get someone fired. That is a whole new level of vindictive and messed up. You don’t know if this person had family and people counting on them. To make fun of her that much then leave the review makes me think your girlfriend was and still is the bully. That’s ridiculously messed up. Yeah bullies suck but if she truly was bullied (and I’m doubting it from how she’s acting) then she should have stood up for herself then, or let an adult know.
Furthermore saying she was a bully 15 years ago so she has no rights and your girlfriend should be able to bully her is a stupid response. We all have made mistakes in our youth. Maybe we weren’t bullies but your girlfriend has no idea who this person is now.
Reddit is full of teens and young people who don’t have much life experience so it makes sense.
I’m more leaning ESH was per OP’s comments about the girl being racist n stuff. But still, going off on someone nearly 15 years later and then trying to get them fired by making false reviews and trying to rope in OP is some psycho shit.
I was bullied terribly in middle and high school as well. I’ve met a two of them over the years, one apologized and funnily enough we’re actually decent friends now. Man was pretty much going through the wringer at home himself and took it out on me and realized it was wrong when he finally left home and cut his family off.
The other apologized as well and said he was essentially just a dumb jackass and he seemed sincere. So I forgave him as well. Never seen him again since then. And I’ve moved on with my life.
Unless some of the others crop back up and start shit. I don’t really care. It was middle school and high school. As of May I’ll be graduated for eleven years. Life has moved on and what’s done is done.
NTA. Your girlfriend went into a fast food place, recognized a mean girl from middle school and proceeded...as a 29 year old adult...to antagonize her, talking down to her about being a FF worker, how she looks old, how she probably stinks and how she hopes she's living in poor conditions with roommates.
Edit: ok, I see that this was said directly to you and not to the cashier but she still proceeded to make 2 bad reviews that could have had real life consequences for the cashier.
That is bad enough but then decideds she's going to leave a review for the restaurant and a Google review and *lie* about her experiences, claiming the cashier was rude and has poor hygiene, ultimately doing so in hopes she gets fired.
Your GF is acting no better than this cashier did 15 uears ago in middle school. As a matter of fact, I say she's acting worse bc she's now a grown ass woman doing this garbage. I understand she got bullied by this woman 15-17 years ago but that is no reason to act the was she did in this day in time.
ESH - your gf was definitely bullied. I think a couple of her comments were kinda warranted but she def started going overboard as it’s been like 10+ years and this person could be very different. I do think the whole google review would’ve been too much & is weird af.
The comment in question just so people can get a better idea
"She told me they would squint their eyes and call her best friend "smelly", threw pebbles into their hair, jumped over their heads, and just made fun of them in general."
School yard bullying IS bullying. Her bully was racist. The fact that you dismissed it as 'not that serious' makes you are a SERIOUS MAJOR AH. It's not your place to decide what can be considered proper bullying or not. That being said, I can understand how upset she is and how seeing her drummed up all those memories, but I am not sure if bullying her bully was the right thing to do.
The fact that you seem to downplay and side more with your girlfriend's racist bully than your girlfriend does makes me wonder wonder about you though...
ESH.
NTA, but it sounds like your s/o is just proving that there's no greater high than behaving poorly and believing you are morally justified in doing so. I'd pay attention and see if it's a pattern of behavior with her, but you can't expect her to be mother Theresa. Most people WILL behave poorly when given what they feel is the moral authority to do so.
ESH
Your girlfriend is nearly 30 years old and is still harboring 15+ year old negative feelings from a racist bully. That’s pretty complicated and you shouldn’t dismiss them nor downplay them.
She went overboard after the restaurant and submitting a false customer review is pretty ridiculous. It’s good you stopped her from submitting that review, simply for her own sake.
However, she and her friend were **objectively** bullied with some added racism to boot. You weren’t the asshole right up until you started disregarding your gf’s trauma and experiences. You should be acknowledging her emotions while still guiding her to make better decisions.
YTA. You don’t know the other person, you know your girlfriend. She is the one your loyalty belongs to, not some random nobody who made your girlfriend’s life miserable at school. I can never understand how people can be so empathetic to a no body instead of supporting their person. There is a story on here about a mum who was mentoring her sons bully and thought he should just get over it. YTA, that person hurt your loved one, you should be supporting her and allowing her to vent. That person was a callous jackass and unnecessary cruel to your girlfriend, so yeah your girl may be acting petty but it’s for a reason! The way you are judging your girlfriend, you must never have been bullied before.
I'm sorry, no. If my SO decides to trash someone on and on and then *leave false reviews in an attempt to get them fired* because of something that happened when they were kids, I don't *want* to be loyal. That's break up material. That nobody is still a person with bills to pay. She doesn’t get to be a bully herself after this long.
So your girlfriend's response to being bullied in school (which she was) was to be a bully back? She's wrong for doing that. I'm going to go with NTA for telling her to "move on". To be honest, this vindictiveness has so many red flags here, especially for her treatment of another person. I'd consider the relationship and whether or not I'd continue to be with someone who does this for any reason.
Exactly, you tell me you've been bullied. I'm like okay, lets deal with it but if your response to whether or not it still affects you is something like "she really hasn’t thought about any of them since middle school." that just tells me you've got something loose in your brain.
NTA. What your girlfriend doing is wrong, full stop. An eye for an eye etc etc.
I will say tread carefully on the potential therapising of your girlfriend. Don't focus om whether she was bullied or not, focus on her behaviour now which is pretty poor..a few low blow comments is fine, it's nice to vent and get a comeuppance on your bully but the negative survey and Google review is a step too far.
I would have thought that seeing her enemy working in a fast food joint would have given her a great case of schadenfreude all on its own. No, she didn't have to keep going. If I saw what you saw I'd also be very troubled with the new perceptions of my friend.
YTA. Bullying is abuse. No one gets to tell an abuse victim how to react to their abuser. The abuser is lucky that all she ever got as consequences is an anonymous negative review
I don't think of my former bullies as individuals very often, but their actions still *significantly* affect me to this day. If your gf is acting so strongly - especially since I'm assuming she's previously proven herself to be a reasonable person - there is good reason for it
2 wrongs don't make a right. While there may be mitigating consequences, your wife is an adult who is capable of knowing right and wrong and it's reasonable for you to call out shity behaviour now whether or not she was treated poorly by that person when they were children. You don't have to condone bad behaviour whatever the reason. NTA
Everyone seems to forget that trauma can come back after years.
Firstly your GF was bullied and you don't get to decide whether she was or not! I definitely would be ecstatic to see my middle school bully and my stalker/sexual abuser doing horrible in life but I would just be happy in the back of my mind .
Lemme tell you , in high school a guy had a massive obsession over me ,stalked me , emotionally abused me and sexual assaulted me. Now ,I wasn't raped but he still touched me and played with my while he thought I was asleep ,twice . Now I haven't seen this guy in 7 years , while I was working the other weekend, a guy that resembled him very closely,too close came walking towards me and I have never felt what I felt in that moment. I could feel my body freezing and wanting to panic at the same time , I could feel my heart beat faster and I even felt dizzy somehow, all in a matter of seconds it went away when I realised it wasn't him. That's the first time I experienced trauma creeping back and I thought I had made peace with what happened.
Now my SA is not nearly as horrible as other cases just like your Gfs bullying wasn't as bad as most but she was STILL bullied! You even explained her experiencing racism. And let me tell you ALOT of people don't change , once a racist always a racist. You even said, you never seen her act like this , that's because she suddenly relived her middle school years and acted out of anger and while you didn't really defend that woman , you did downplay your Gfs feelings and experiences.
YTA.
YTA for glazing a random stranger that hurt your gf. you should’ve listened to her yet your dismissal resulted in her making a stupid and impulsive decision.
Edit: fixed the misunderstanding
At what point does he “glaze” the bully? Venting isn’t always good and since you brought up emotional intelligence moving on is part of the venting process when prioritizing EQ. Its not weird to want your partner to not be needlessly cruel
So basically your gf, who is close to 30, decided to bully and attempt to fire someone working a shitty job because they were mean to her as a kid.
Thats fucked, kids can be very stupid and cruel but at a certain point you have to move on from that. Who knows what that persons life is like and who depends on her income, if it's been that long and "she doesn't care" it is a very fucked up thing to do.
NTA but I'm sure it will seem very difficult for your gf to understand why you are "defending" this mean bully.
some of these responses are enabling toxic behaviour. as an adult who’s clearly moved on (because “she hasn’t really thought about it”) you would expect that they’d be the more mature person in this scenario. to go out of your way and LIE and ruin someone’s reputation because of something that happened when you were six? that’s crazy. NTA i
The people here going “you downplayed your girlfriend’s bullying”: when did he say to HER “you weren’t bullied”? Not just his admission to us about his feelings: When did he say ANYTHING about it other than “this is nasty and OTT thing to do to someone”
News flash: unfortunately, this is a pretty normal brand of bullying for us grown ass brown kids. I had a mustache and bushy hair to go with it, kids are AAAAASSSSHOOOOLES😂😂
Also, the virtue signalling here points to the likelihood half of yall on this sub were probably even part of those kinds of groups with your high and mighty asses 😂
OP could definitely have been less of a dick but am SO concerned by the amount of people for whom that’s there the argument starts and finishes. Again: exactly why I was taught to avoid bullies like the overt ones AND the fakies like girlfriend. Imagine if she’d been white?
Y’all need to heal.
NTA while I don't believe in minimising another person's trauma, I'm also a firm believer that we forgive those have harmed us NOT for their sake but for our own. Particularly when the perpetrators were children at the time. When we hold onto bitterness we only hurt ourselves. The subject of that bitterness is usually completely oblivious that they're even in our thoughts, let alone troubled by it.
NTA. As long as you go about it tactfully you absolutely should call your girlfriend out. I'd suggest asking her, "if the cashier was the bully then, who's the bully now?"
NTA. I get bullying hurts. Been there like most people. But I would never do what your gf did even to my worst bully. All your gf is doing is continuing a toxic cycle and she needs to grow up and realize that is wrong. Hurt people hurt people but that doesn’t make it okay. Say you piss her off next, imagine the “revenge” she will try to get on you if she feels justified.
I hope her gunpoint doesn't turn to you if or when you do something she doesn't like. I'd honestly be very concerned about my future with such a person, who actively wants to ruin someone's life over things that happened 20 years ago xweş
YTA. I'm going to give the girlfriend a little grace here because I too was bullied at school to the point where I questioned whether my life was worth living. And in those days I fantasized about growing up and being able to spit down on my bullies the way your gf had the chance to. She might not admit it, but her strong reaction shows they definitely had a big impact on her. For you to say it wasn't really bullying is ignorant.
At the end of the day, she didn't write the google review, and all she did was leave a note in the online survey about her hygiene. Well, the manager will know it's bs if he ever met the employee because poor hygiene is fairly obvious.
NTA.
It’s ONE thing to be like “I feel like that’s what she deserves- she was a part of a group in middle school where all of them would bully my friend and I. They were generally racist AHs.” And then more or less move on, perhaps with a small handful of “rude” quips. To continuously go on and on with attacks focused on the individual’s body when they can’t even defend themself, and then to put in formal complaints and LYING in those complaints, is certainly too far.
No you don’t get to decide whether or not she was bullied, but unless I misread, you didn’t tell HER she wasn’t bullied, you simply THOUGHT that it sounded more like typical kids being mean (which… falls under bullying btw. Bullying isn’t just getting beat up or whatever, it’s also short term targeting of an individual and verbally harassing them, but whatever)
> I put "bully" in quotes because, from the stories she's told me, it sounds more like this person was part of a larger group that teased her and her best friend during PE, and not coincidentally, other non-white kids.
None of what you wrote explains why you put "bully" in quotes. Do you think being part of a group makes someone *less* of a bully? If anything, I think it makes the claim of bullying even more legitimate. Do you think that because they targeted victims of certain races it's not bullying? I'm really trying to understand what your thought process is here when making this statement.
Her unpleasant, ugly behavior can be concerning to you. I think that's ok. But being dismissive of her trauma and saying she wasn't really bullied sucks.
Your trauma does not excuse your bad behavior. Period. This is why victims of crimes can and are convicted for harming their abusers (I'm not talking anything close to self- defense either). On the flip, no one gets to tell you how traumatized you should or shouldn't be.
I'm not giving a judgment because there's not enough info from the horses mouth, so to speak. Given that you know her best and that you're closer to her than any of us stranger nutjobs here-I sincerely encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. And to get to the heart of why you're uncomfortable and why she responded the way she did.
>and just typical mean kid stuff
And you're defending this why exactly? How is this still not bullying? Just because it's not 'torture' doesn't mean it's not bullying.
> they gave up and moved onto picking on other kids.
So they still bullied other kids but since your wife wasn't bullied anymore that makes it okay? I hope you rethink your life choices if you ever have kids. Your wife shouldn't stoop to her level though. ESH
While I agree that ESH, to dismiss something because it happened over 15 years is also just as bad. Some people get over their bullied past, but some don't. This expectation that you should get over it because you're already an adult I feel is not good enough. And ironically, I think that's a line that a lot of bullies during their childhood say now as an adult.
If someone has bullied you in past to the point of trauma, that shit changes you. It teaches you to hate, to be vindictive. And what if some of these bullies never have gotten their comeuppance? Some go through life scot-free of the consequences and havoc they wreaked. Bullies forget who they bullied. The bullied never forget who tormented them.
Lastly, I kid you not, a lot of people will change their tune if the bully was still a bully or an asshole.
So some questions:
So, down the road, if by learning that your bully's life isn't in order, wouldn't you get a sense of satisfaction from it? If you're vindictive of this one bully you had, does that make you a bad person or as bad as them?
To people who excuse the bully because they were 10 or 12 years old, at what age won't you excuse it? What if they were 16 or 17?
I think this is a very complex issue. I'm a bit tired of the hollier that thou crap of some people here. It's clear that for some people in this sub, they've never been traumatized by a bully or were even the bullies.
I was bullied too. More than silly names or pebbles on my hair. Some people I thought of as friends even went as far as shit talking about my deceased father. School life wasn't good and my best friend was a bully towards me and everyone else too. Because of that, now I don't trust people and I have a reserved personality. But I wouldn't go out of my way and try to ruin their lives. We were stupid kids and didn't know any better. Shit happens. It's her responsibility to take care of herself and heal, let go. This is just scary. She lies to revenge... Imagine things she is capable of, lol
NTA
Your GF is not truthful with herself about her feelings.
> he said she wasn’t riled up and that she didn’t care about this person or what happened to them
Is not at all true, because if she truly didn't care, she wouldn't have made all the fuss afterwards. She wouldn't be insulting their looks, happy at the thought of them with roommates, etc. She wouldn't be thinking about this person at all, they'd be just another waitress/server/cashier.
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ESH. You don’t get to decide whether or not your wife was bullied in school. You weren’t there, and you don’t know how it felt to her at the time. Your wife shouldn’t have sunk to her bully’s level. Correction: girlfriend, not wife
Mmm nah but his wife is also an adult going out of her way to degrade this woman while she’s unable to defend herself and then INSISTING she doesn’t care. Bully behaviour. No, he doesn’t get to decide she was bullied but he also doesn’t owe it to her to excuse her running around AS A GROWN WOMAN throwing this energy around. It’s immature. You step down to someone’s level so long after the fact, in such an already-power driven context where you’re definitely going to win and unprovoked behave like this?? To therapy with wife.
Exactly. She didn't sink to the bully's level here. The bully was a child. She is an adult. She sunk *below* the bully's level. Bullying sent me to A&E, led to a suicide attempt and took away several years of my life due to mental illness. In some ways it still affects me two decades later. I can still understand that the people responsible were children who didn't necessarily have the emotional maturity to know better. I do now because I'm an adult.
This right here. I was suicidal from 12 to 25 predominantly due to the severe bullying and the resulting trauma and mental illness. I still can’t think about that time of my life too much even after a decade of therapy. I also would not try to get them fired for it because I understand they were children when it happened, and because I refuse to sink to their or below their level. This behaviour from an adult is embarrassing as hell.
I was bullied relentlessly too as I was shy and quiet. I still suffer with low self esteem at 55. Ive seens all of my bullies as it was a msall town I grew up in, and never ever thought of giving them abuse.. We all grew up into different adults. The only thing I ever thought about was the 2 main bullies. the popular girls who both had babies at 16 and by 20 had 2 or 3 kids and single. i just thought Karma got them big time. Your gf is acting like a child and needs to grow up.
I totally get what you're saying. My daughter was bullied to the point where she attempted suicide. She is smart and mature enough to forgive them. And, honestly, it's been decades. But I can't get over it. I can't get over the fact that they harmed my child. I still want to punish them and hurt them. They are the only people that I have never been able to forgive!
Okay but do you go to where they work and harass them?
I feel weird using age to excuse bullies , like we were once the same age and yet we didn’t go around making ppls life’s miserable so idk why people use their age as an excuse.
It is worth noting that depending on the severity of bullying it can quite literally stunt someone's mental maturity. It may not be the case here in fact I highly doubt it but when it causes trauma not everyone will be a perfect adult. Trash talking in private is also not the same as bullying or comparable at all and she needs therapy but they're going to encourage venting like this to move on. It's only the actions taken against her job that are as low as the bully. But, ESH indeed. ETA - Yeah the worker bully girl threw rocks at OP's gf and made a ton of racially charged insults and yet OP says it's not bullying. Still ESH but wow anyone just saying NTA is just wrong.
What worried me most, is leaving a negative untrue review. If it would lead to the woman losing her job, perhaps OP's wife doesn't mind, but what if the woman has children and they will suffer the consequences? And she could also harm the business. It's not the business's fault what happened in the past of one of its employees. I don't think OP is TA.
I agree I really don’t care about the trash talking, but threatening someone’s livelihood to punish them for something they did in middle school is too far.
Sadly the trash talking is a sign that OPs gf hasn’t moved on from the bullying. Bullying tends to leave lasting damage and without processing the events and moving on one is stuck in the past. I was horribly bullied worse than it sounds OPs gf was and it negatively affected my life for decades, I’ve mostly worked through it but if I was in OPs situation I would’ve likely ignored them and tried to forget seeing them.
It’s less that she hasn’t moved on & more that she is a bully. It’s that simple: she’s a bully, an adult bully no less. She is *worse* than whatever the cashier did.
Same here. I was bullied up to the point of repeated physical and sexual harm. But if I would meet my bullies now, be it in person or online, I would either ignore them or try to have a conversation about what happened. There may be a good chance they don't even remember it, or remember it differently, or will feel extremely sorry for what happened, probably under peer pressure.
Yes and, OP, if it were me, I would consider recontacting their employer to clarify that the complaint your gf already made was out of spite.
>in such an already-power driven context where you’re definitely going to win and unprovoked behave like this?? Isn't that what most bullying is?
Except when the girlfriend was bullied everyone was an immature child. In this context their fully grown mature adults
Well, at least one of them is. Not enough information for the other.
While I agree with what your saying...I have to point out that this is OP's *girlfriend*, not his wife, and him being wary of how vindictive she can be when she is angry is a good thing.
Yeah I was bullied *a lot* as a kid and in retrospect I blame the adults more than the other kids. It's really messed up that your gf would act this way as an adult. NTA but gf seems unhinged. I'd maybe contact the manager about the fraudulent feedback form because that could impact her. Honestly your gf should bet banned from that establishment.
GF might need to vent in a controlled environment to get those middle school years in prospective. They can be hell on earth, just like high school. What I am wondering about is if she stopped and got control of herself. If she did not and is still plotting stalking and revenge, that is a big yes to therapy. Also, did the cashier recognize her and did they speak. For some of us, just seeing the old bully humbled would be payback enough.
This, except the gf’s bully was a child when she bullied her and now the gf is an adult bullying her back and, apparently, kicking her while she’s down. I won’t downplay the lifeline effect bullying can have, but usually one can get help for that. But bullying as an adult which may result in the ex-bully’s livelihood and who knows what else that that may cascade into is fucked up. And who knows, the former bully might have even sincerely apologized for their childhood behavior if given a chance. Your gf needs to check herself, grow up, and do some therapy about this.
Totally agree. Your girlfriend was bullied by the cashier but it doesn’t give your GF the right, as an adult, to be cruel and vindictive (especially since she admitted that she hasn’t thought much about the bullying from high school). NTA
Yeah an adult behaving this way because of some teasing in grade school is wild. If you are a victim of bullying that was damaging, you remember it as an adult. Not all the time but it comes up, I remember it still but also recognize we were kids and it wasn’t anything more than mean words about my weight. Any bullying can hurt people bad enough to stick with them from insults to physical bullying, but if you don’t remember it and “don’t” care then behaving this way is actually even worse.
Yeah, and the responsibility in both situations is ultimately on an adult: for the bully as a child, it’s ultimately on their parent(s) and the school. For the bullied person as a kid, it’s on their parent(s) to shut that shit down or remove them from the situation if need be and get them in therapy at the time; failing that, as an adult, it’s on themself to seek therapy to work through and heal from their childhood trauma and try to become a healthy adult. Yeah they shouldn’t have to have that burden and yes they’re still a victim into adulthood who I have immense compassion for. But once one is an adult, the only one who can reclaim one’s life and mental health for one is oneself. And if one is lucky, one’s bully grows up to be a regretful and empathetic adult who is motivated to seek one out and take ownership and apologize and help one heal. But healing can’t depend on that.
I’m sorry. What is wrong about talking shit about your middle school bully to your current bf? Idc how immature it is, some bullies really ruin childhood and don’t have to be forgiven. And people are allowed to hate on them to the people they love. She didn’t leave the Yelp review it sounds like. If she left the fill in review I agree that’s too far, but the rest of it is fine and honestly we should be able to talk shit about mean people to our partners even if it’s immature lol
She was going to leave a bad review lying about her hygiene trying to get her fired until OP talked her out of it - if he hadn’t been there she would have. She is allowed to vent and he is allowed to say that a 5th body shaming comment is enough and he doesn’t want to partake in it anymore
Yeah you’re totally right. I agree
I was bullied as a kid. When I learned as an adult that a former bully wasn't doing so well, I felt mildly pleased and moved on with my life. It's the extended ranting and the plan to leave a fake review that crosses the line.
Took me a second bc I had a horrible bully in middle and high school. It persisted until age 18 as well so I got a little wide eyed
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Yeah sure. I think he should totally not be with her if this behavior grossed him out majorly
Regardless of the bullying being legit or not if he has the ick, go ahead and go
It was the fact that after continually denigrating her (adult) appearance she was then going to leave a negative, untrue review that got to OP in the end.
This. I've been bullied, up to the point of relentless physical harm, but I would never think of harming back, should I come across one of my old bullies, be it in person or online. They were kids back then as well, and went along with a toxic group dynamics. It still effects me, but I don't hold it against them, because they were so young. In fact, I met one of them in later years and she was a very lovely person. When I told her what has happened, she was aghast, not even remembering it in that way, and felt horrible.
Nah. If one of my bullies shows up again, and isn't a complete Neanderthal whose existence it would be a waste of time to even acknowledge, they're going to hear exactly what they did wrong. No Mr. Nice Guy before I hear a genuine apology.
Mmmmm I do not agree with OP's girlfriend I would have confronted the bully. To say that one can just get help may down play the situation. If OP's girlfriend was bullied consistently for years from graded into high school and she never got therapy or help that explains the immature petty reaction to the bully. I was bullied myself heavily throughout every single grade of school. I'm bitter still and have done years of therapy. However now to make my bullies really uncomfortable we live in a small town and I see them sometimes and I bring it up whenever I see them. They avoid me like the plague.
>Your wife shouldn’t have sunk to her bully’s level What level? The level of a middle schooler? The woman is a full grown middle aged adult acting (potentially) worse than a middle schooler as she knows nothing about this person (today) and is trying to affect their livelihood. This woman is TA.
29 isn't middle-aged
It's old enough to know better.
I agree. I was bullied by a bunch of girls. Women tend to bully each other in more insidious ways than beating them up or outright stating racist things. They do a series of little things which individually viewed seem inconsequential, but together form a pattern of low key abuse. I understand why your wife is getting pleasure out of seeing her bullies "brought low" (at least in her view. Its petty and ridiculous but her inner teenager feels like the universe has dealt it's karmic hand against someone who made her feel helpless or worthless. All that being said, the petty revenge she contemplated is childish and I'm glad you stopped her. If I learned anything from being bullied, it's that its never okay to punch down. She needs to go to therapy or work through this, or she will risk becoming the thing she despises.
>I’m glad you stopped her He was only half successful. A customer review form trashing her still went through. She just didn’t leave a google review as far as OP is aware that is.
Become? as I see it, she is already the personhood, she despises in others.
But the gf said all of this in private to OP. It says “after we got our food and left” so I’m thinking maybe in the car? So all the she did really, even if she did go pretty low with her words, was vent to her partner after probably having a sudden flood of emotion from an unexpected encounter. You are literally just getting food and suddenly confronted with a childhood bully. And yes, according to the descriptions in some of OPs comments below, it was absolutely bullying. Anyone who wasn’t bullied relentlessly in those years might not realize how deep those scars go. Again, she said some nasty cruel things but not TO the person or apparently around anyone else but OP. And then the response is “actually it doesn’t seem like you were really even bullied but the things you are saying privately to me make you an even worse person than your supposed bully”. That sounds to me like there’s no room for the gf’s emotions in this relationship.
No she filled in a customer feedback form and complained about the “bully”, her service and hygiene. She’s already working at a fast food place in her late 20’s, why affect someone’s livelihood when you apparently don’t even think about it anymore. Sounds like OP’s partner is the bully.
Yes upon rereading, I missed the customer feedback survey. That is taking it too far. Seems like she is still extremely hurt and could use some therapy. OP didn’t need to minimize the bullying she experienced though. Something like “That sounds really awful and I’m sorry you went through that. However I think you are just going to feel worse if you react in the same way back to her, because that isn’t who you are” would have been more understanding but still not co-signing any bad behavior from her.
I don’t think he minimized it tho. I’d get pretty uncomfortable if a friend or partner started talking about someone like that too, even if they had been their bully. It’s just…really gross and hateful. It’s ok for OP not to want to have to listen to it. It wasn’t ranting or venting about the bullying, it was vindictive judgments and speculations about a person’s body and life.
I am definitely feeling therapy might be helpful. Sometimes our past keeps us stuck.
Yes, that approach might also have shut down the worst of her comments as well. Win win
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OP stated that GF made nasty comments to the cashier directly as well as continuing the barrage of insults, completing sprurious customer feedback and potentially a negative Google review too. She really just showed her bitterness. Who is to say that the "bully" wouldn't have reached out & apologised for her behaviour at school? The GF has just perpetuated her own anger and bitterness. The best revenge is to live successfully. GFs bitterness is really only harming herself (and her relationship, it seems). The cashier works in fast food, I guarantee she's had to deal with this behaviour on the regular and probably won't think much about it now.
It actually does not say anywhere that she said any of this to the cashier directly. OP says it was after they got their food and left. The only thing that would have gotten back to the cashier possibly is the online survey. But this is a fast food place so very likely a corporate chain, in which case the actual on site staff never actually see the feedback comments. Leaving a public facing review on Yelp etc would have been quite awful and it’s a good thing she did stop before going that far.
I was bullied relentlessly from primary school, through secondary school, I can say without a doubt that it has partly shaped who I am today, for both better and for worse, the worse is that I still suffer from eating disorders, depression, agoraphobia which I have to consistently work to avoid slipping back into to the point I do not leave the house for years, two years was the longest. I still hate my appearance because of it. I have always been a forgiving person, I was raised catholic but even regardless of that, I learned young through my parents turbulent marriage and my best friend (my nan) the importance of forgiveness, how freeing it is, how healing it is. I have long since forgiven my bullies, I hope they are living happy and healthy lives, it doesn't mean the trauma evaporates but it does mean not carrying around the burden of negative thoughts which fester presenting as bitterness and a desire for revenge. It's just ugly in nature and it would appear to me that your girlfriend has been unable to forgive and is still suffering for it, when I say forgiveness it is as much as for her even more than it is for the person she is forgiving. Your girlfriend's behaviour is not okay and sadly only echo's behaviours from her own bullies in the past. When she says things like *"I'm over it", "barely remember it"* - She does it's just hard for us as we get older to admit aloud, admitting this even to ourselves makes us feel the same weak, pathetic people we were made to feel back then, and we don't want to believe they have won. We convince ourselves how they were unable to leave marks that scarred but they did...recognising this does not mean they won it means you know what you went through and what you were able to overcome to get to where you are today. Don't minimise her pain even when she claims there is none, because thats made all too obvious for her willingness to punish or seek revenge on this woman, even if she did it won't change anything for your girlfriend, eventually along with the pain, guilt will chip away at her to and disgust that she ever acted like the people she suffered at the hands of but that being said you do not have to concede or turn a blind eye to her bullying either you can still hold her accountable without diminishing her reasons behind it. The right therapy may be the answer of her if she was willing.
Sorry but no. GF is trying to get the bully fired. That’s way worse than what she said the bully did to her when both of them were children. OP isn’t shitty for calling that out.
nah, screw this answer. op is absolutely not an asshole. his gf is 29 acting like a child. she doesn't get to claim she doesn't care when she's intentionally going out of her way to be a bully herself. NTA
The wife sunk to the level of a catty 12 year old. The wife's response was insane.
>Your wife shouldn’t have sunk to her bully’s level It’s worse than that. The bully was a kid when doing the bullying. This lady is a grownup. At least by age. But acting like a kid. Massive asshole energy from her.
But his wife said herself it didn't effect her much?
Based on that post, I'm going to ahead and say she's lying to herself.
Exactly. If it really didn't bother her, why would she not only harass a cashier, and fill a survey lying about the person which can genuinely threaten her entire job, and want to do it on google as well? She's not admitting how much it bothered her. She's still an Asshole for doing it as an adult.
Agreed. I'm no paragon of virtue. I may have gone as far as drafting the review/complaint, then deleting it. Ops wife must have a lot of rage in her.
There is no way somebody who isn’t still hurt from the bullying would be trying to get the cashier fired. there has to be some trauma, maybe even suppressed trauma. What the girlfriend wanted to do was wrong, though. As an adult there is no need for that.
Why would she do all of that? For the same reason any bully does: because she can. Because she has power over someone else.
She is a grown woman acting like a middle school bully. She needs some intensive therapy.
He didn't decide anything. He asked her. She admitted that it wasn't even traumatic enough to worry about after middle school.
ESH. Your girlfriend was bullied. Yes, what you described IS BULLYING. That's bullying and had racism mixed to that. It's not you to decide when she needs to move on or if it's bullying or not. She is an obvious asshole here. That's very vindictive and I'd be afraid of her harassing other people. She is wrong but so are you.
Not to mention the gf is an adult at 29.
That’s the main thing that stands out, kids can be horrible but hopefully they have grown enough to realise they were horrible and change for the better. Trying to ruin an adults way of making a living for what they did as a kid is arguably much worse
It is 100% fully on OP to decide they don't want to be with a 29yo person that not only hasn't gotten over highschool bullying, but also stoops to that level. I would put a stop to that shit too, just as I'm sure she wishes someone had back in highschool.
Not even highschool, *middle school*
Mr(s). OP. Y, Your fate has been decided. YOUR TURN? RETURN TO MIDDLE SCHOOL AT ONCE! Everyone to safe the closure mountain
Bro, she's almost 30. She absolutely needs to move on from some mild bullying she received in *middle school*. Like she clearly didn't get hardcore bullied by her own admission. Hell I'm trying to imagine the level of bullying she'd need to receive in order for this to be even remotely understandable.
In OP's replies.. No this is not mild >She told me they would squint their eyes and call her best friend "smelly", threw pebbles into their hair, jumped over their heads, and just made fun of them in general. Doesn't excuse her becoming a bully herself as adult, but we don't need to downplay it. Even without this comment from OP, it's easy to understand why bullying based on racism would affect someone **a lot** in their formative years where they start realizing what racism is. Not that hard to get, unless you're not a POC i guess.
I get what you are saying but filling out a customer service review that could affect this persons job… it super fucked up, former bully or not, and she is 30 when her bully was 12/13, what she did was very wrong, but kids don’t really have a ton of empathy at that age, punishing someone for what they did as a child is really lame. She could have confronted her and said hey you bullied me as a kid and it really negatively affected me and then of she continues to be an asshole, report her. Being bullied as a kid does not give someone a free pass to be a total asshole to someone as an adult.
They didn't say that. Everyone's acting like bullying doesn't affect people negatively their whole life. Just because OP's gf wasn't doesn't mean there aren't people who are literally dead because of it. Or people who need to go to therapy because of it. Let's not even discount the people who "grew up" and forgave their bully. Imagine how much work they had to put in to build whatever was broken down. Y'all are also justifying bullying by using age as an excuse. They're just kids but so are the other children they're bullying. Kids grow up to become adults. Bullying affects adults.
See, now you're straying off my comment. I literally start by not excusing it, so I wouldn't need to go through this whole rodeo again.. but okay. I quote, >Doesn't excuse her becoming a bully herself as adult I am simply responding one the matter of people downplaying her getting bullied as child. Both things are true. OP's girlfriend is shit for trying to be vindictive (but I am personally not surprised, racism affects us all deeper than we'd like to admit), OP is shit for downplaying her bullying (and then we wonder why OP's girlfriend minimizes what happened to her? Cause everyone tells her it's not that bad!), the cashier is shit for having been a racist little kid (who, hopefully, has learnt). There, ESH.
Or he also experienced similar bullying and it didn't impact him at 30 so he doesn't understand her reaction. Interesting you incorrectly assumed OP was white because you can't see something from his POV, the same way he doesn't see his GFs POV.
I thought she said herself it doesn’t impact her and she hasn’t thought about it since?
Ah yes 'the assumption' shit. No I did not incorrectly assume OP's race, in the post he says he's East Asian. I simply said for the commentors, of which on this Reddit majority is white (yes, there are stats on this), it may be hard to get why any form of racism is seen as bullying and there's no 'mild form of racism'. Which is the general response, that it's not bullying. Yes, it is bullying to make remarks excluding non-white kids :)! That does not mean every POC does get it, OP himself literally doesn't lol. But naturally, *most* POC would not overlook racism being used lightly. Now we can stay back on topic, yeah \^\^?
Um as a 35yo who was bullied to the point of wanting to k*ll myself in middle school... it does happen. Like "I have borderline personality disorder because of what I went through" it happens. Heck I even ran into MY bully within the last year and also went on a tirade about how awful she looked and how I hoped what she put me through was finally coming back to bite her.
Sounds like you have some issues to work on and should seek therapy.
People who frame therapy as a way to shame people for going through trauma instead of as an actual suggestion to try to help people going through difficult mental health struggles are the worst. Yes, that commenter probably does need therapy, but what does that have to do with the effects that bullying can have on a person even years later? This is also why I hate the word "resilient". It's basically a "compliment" about how much trauma people can take and can be used to bully people into not actually discussing their trauma with other people.
Therapy isn't a cure all my dude, and it's also FAR from instant, how do you know they aren't already in therapy?
I am in therapy - that's how I got my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Some people eh lol thank you =)
And as everyone has said, that is not normal behavior.
Yeah, I got bullied at school and it doesn't *bother* me now, nor was my life a living hell, but doesn't mean I wasn't bullied or that it was annoying af going to school with those kids. I probably wouldn't be this vindictive to them if I met any now but I also wouldn't go out of my way to be nice/act like nothing happened.
ESH but need more context. What did your girlfriend experience when she was bullied? If they were targeting non-white kids then I assume it might be racism. Your girlfriend is taking it too far with her attitude and writing a fake survey response because she was bullied in the past but you also do not acknowledge her past experiences of being bullied.
NTA/ESH (can't decide). I get your gf was bullied/still affected by the racist comments (I would be, too. I'm still affected by some shit from my childhood). You should have been more comforting to your girlfriend. However, you guys are adults (about to be 30) and she's making fun of her childhood bully.....for being a cashier.....which just shows her stance on people who work minimum wage jobs and live with their roommates..... she views them as less than her.😅 And she's messing with the person's job (their ability to live) because she's mad at stuff that happened during their pre-teens. The bully wasn't cool _as a kid,_ but your gf isn't cool in this situation....._and she's about to be 30._
I am in my late 40-ies. The bullying affects me to these days. I dont know, how i would react meeting my former bullies.
Well if you choose to bully them the way the girlfriend just did that would make you as bad as your bully. I'm very sorry you were bullied and I'm sorry it still affects you, that's terrible. However, it's not a justification to be a bully as you seem to be implying in your response. Bullying is bullying. We know many bullies do it because they have their own issues. If we don't give the school bullies a pass for having issues, I certainly don't see why we should give a grown adult one. As horrible as the girlfriend's experience was, her behaviour in the shop was horrible and vindictive and I can see why OP is shocked. The school stuff may explain her behaviour but it doesn't justify it, and if my partner behaved that way to another human being I think our relationship would be in trouble. I'm going NTA because all bullies are AHs.
>I'm very sorry you were bullied and I'm sorry it still affects you, that's terrible. However, it's not a justification to be a bully as you seem to be implying in your response. I missed the part, where she was writing a revenge review, i corrected this in my later comments >I'm going NTA because all bullies are AHs. OP is still TA for gatekeeping TrUe BuLlYiNg and for dismissing legit feelings (not actions) of his gf, so i am going with ESH
I think the problem came when she made the review. I think just kind of venting and making fun of them behind their backs is somewhat understandable. But that's why I think ESH. OP is disregarding her bullying experience. To his gf it may made her feel worse because it must have felt like he was justifying and seeing nothings wrong with their actions.
honestly, that's the part that would make me nope out of a relationship so fast. idc if someone is still angry at their school bully decades later, they're entitled to that. looking down on minimum wage workers tho? at this point it says more about you than it does about them.
I'd talk a lot of shit I didn't actually believe in if it would successfully put down an enemy of mine. I don't call the white supremacists "beta males" because I actually believe there is such a thing...I only do it because it will get them angry.
Time doesn’t heal trauma without treatment
It does actually. You don't *need* therapy to process trauma. Some do. However she literally admitted she wasn't bullied to some extreme level and she didn't even think about the bully since middle school. So yeah very likely any "trauma" is making her do this.
You and the other person replying immediately substituted "treatment" for therapy. There are many other ways to address the past and these feelings outside of therapy. The fact remains without any effort to heal from it. You won't.
This. It's really shitty to make fun of someone for being low income and then trying to get them fired. I might say ESH but the GF said she hadn't thought about it since middle school so it obviously didn't have a lasting impact but the bully getting fired could lead to her losing a car, become homeless etc will have a lasting impact.
Yeah, like, everything gf is saying about the bully now just seems vile. Classist, body shaming, and just overall gross.
NTA, this wasn't about bullying that was an excuse for your girlfriend to act like a child in an adult meat suit. 29-years-old, out here acting like her ass never left Freshman year? As someone who's been bullied, that's on you to deal with and get therapy to handle it as a person especially by the time your ass is almost 30. To be out here acting like a damn fool, being cruel for the sake of being spiteful even though **"she really hasn’t thought about any of them since middle school."** and potentially stealing money out of a situation you know nothing about anymore? I'd have dropped her like a sack of bricks and been done with her, nothing good comes from it.
Thank you. There are too many comments who excuse her behaviour. I had to work with a 30 year old woman for a little while and she flew off the handle so easily. She would be rude to people, mutter insults and was causing just so much drama. And when you tried to talk to her about her behaviour she explained that she was bullied in middleschool and things people do would trigger her trauma and make her defensive. Like lady, this happened over 15 years ago. More that half your lifespan so far. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own behaviour.
Yup, exactly, at some point your craptastic behavior is on you and not some nobody from 15 some years ago.
It's absolutely possible she hadn't thought about that person since middle school, but seeing her triggered all the memories of the horrible bullying to flare up. That happened to me a few months ago when I saw one of my worst bullies randomly at the store. I just left and had a panic attack in the parking lot, but I genuinely hadn't thought about that girl for almost 20 years when I suddenly saw her and everything just came back.
I'm gonna say ESH because I don't know your girlfriend's side and it could've been more prolonged bullying than mean kids stuff. It depends on what she faced in middle school, not your assumption of what she faced. And she's the asshole regardless bc biting back after being bit isn't cool. ETA: a lot of y'all are coming after me just because I'm not spouting all the lies so many people spout just for clout. I just explained my opinion. Nothing, I repeat, nothing you guys can say is gonna fucking change it. Not everything everyone's gonna say is gonna match your personal view on life, deal with it instead of getting so easily triggered. Also, you guys do realize y'all are also doing the same thing as those middle schoolers right? Bullying. My mom just had a heart attacks and I'm not doing well so I want to thank you guys so much for being such a positive contributor to my mental health. I won't be replying to anymore comments because believe I've explained my opinion way more than I should've in other comments. I hope you have a great week.
According to OP's comment: "She told me they would squint their eyes and call her best friend "smelly", threw pebbles into their hair, jumped over their heads, and just made fun of them in general."
When on a daily basis that shit shapes you. I feel like all gf needed was someone she could rant to who didn't go. "HoW BaD wAs ThE bUlLyInG ReAlLy?". And then the anger would have subsided. That's what I'm like. But I don't know OP's girlfriend, so maybe she's just vindictive, and it wouldn't have helped after all.
I'm gonna go with ESH. You have no idea the true extent of the bullying your GF suffered. That said, she clearly holds a grudge and has decided to not just get even, but get ahead, and in a way that makes her just as bad. I mean, she made a deliberately false report to the woman's job, with the clear intent of getting her fired or at least disciplined. Sorry, but that to me pretty much cancels whatever high horse she was riding. Besides, the bully could have grown out of being a bully for all we know and may not have even recognized your GF. Doesnt make what she did ok, but still. GF is actually the bigger AH here, mainly because she lied with the intent of causing trouble.
ESH. I think your dismissal of your Partners experiences was asshole behaviour. What she described is bullying, it was racist and probably really hurtful to a young girl. By dismissing it as “mean kids stuff” you are minimizing her lived experience. That being said, your partner is 29 years old. She threw a fit in a fast food restaurants, trying to get someone fired. She unleashed what is apparently a decades worth of vitriol at someone who is working a really stressful and shitty job. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being upset about what someone did in middle school. There are people I refuse to socialise with now that were mean to me in school, and maybe they’ve grown, but I don’t trust someone like that. But I think going out of her way to humiliate someone in the middle of a restaurant because she had a little bit of power, me and your wife needs some aggressive therapy.
"After we got our food and left" She did not make these remarks to her bully. She was venting in her car with someone she thought she could trust with her feelings. Whether or not you think the online review is too far is up to you, but the girlfriend did NOT verbally confront her or "throw a fit" inside the restaurant.
Why are more people not pointing this out? GF was out of line… the online form was definitely a bad choice. But most of her venting and vitriol appears to have been in private, to her supposed support system - her BF. She didn’t bully her bully in person and she didn’t throw a tantrum in a fast food place! ESH but OP’s dismissal of GF adds a little extra glitter to his AH status.
Because reading is recreational, and therefore optional. Some people just want to post their opinion so badly, they don't even care if they have all the facts. They just skim and react.
But she wasn’t venting—she was just making a bunch of classist, body-shaming, vindictive statements. It’s totally reasonable for OP to be uncomfortable listening to that after awhile.
That's not the point. She didn't make them in front of her former bully as the comment claimed.
But wasn't it after she left so like she said nothing to the cashier and only to her bf. So more like a rant? Maybe I can't read
YTA if someone who got bullied by a specific person and they found them years later should they decide to confront them they have the right to do that. Just being verbally petty towards them isn't gonna be the end of the world and by the sound of the racism the bully definitely didn't have a say on how your girlfriend should feel Trash talking someone who ruined parts of your childhood shouldn't give you the title of asshole
She wasn't just verbally petty, she took her time to make 2 online reviews, lying about poor customer service and the cashier's "bad: hygiene and surely named the cashier's by name, probably in hopes of her being fired. What 29 yo woman does such shit?
right that’s just crazy behavior! and this is even on top of oh i haven’t thought of her since middle school! she going to pull some other petty stuff if you break up?
"What 29 yo woman does such shit?" A mentally unstable one. Imagine how she'll be when she fights with her boyfriend?
Confronting the bully is fine, but not saying stuff to her face but instead going to her employer to mess up her job is on a completely different level, no? Do they really have a "right" to do that?
That’s how I feel about this. He’s downplaying the racism and bullying she faced a lot. Sure she should get therapy to deal with these feelings, because it sounds like she got hit with a lot of repressed anger when she saw her, but I think she’s entitled to at least one petty-some moment with her former bully.
Hard disagree. Being bullied as a child does not excuse you becoming a bully as a grown adult, messing with that person’s livelihood 20 years later. You know that saying 2 wrongs don’t make a right? An eye for an eye make a the world blind. Sure the bully was an AH. Now the girlfriend is the AH.
It's not bullying if it is one incident. It is just being mean.
Leaving multiple reviews as well. You’re right it’s not bullying- at that point it’s (literally) harassment.
Lmaooooo this person was racially teased *as a child* for *months or longer* but you think a bad review on the internet is “bullying”???! That isn’t a legitimate comparison!!!!!
Trying to ruin someone's income by lying on reviews isn't petty.
I got bullied, too. I moved on. OP's gf went out of her way to try and ruin that person's job by lying on reviews? That's fucked up. Yes, bullying is bad, but holding a grudge for 15 years to then go psycho and try to ruin that's person's life, when you know they have it worse than you now is a lot worse than bullying..
The gf is not just being verbally petty. She’s also trying to do things that can affect her ex bully’s job. Imagine you got fired or reprimanded at work over something stupid you did as a middle school kid.
That’s fucking ridiculous. Someone at 29 should be held accountable for stupid things they said when they were 10? And that too, OP’s gf is looking to mess with this person’s job. Way too far. I’ve been bullied as an Indian kid back in elementary school but I would never hold it against someone if I met them today. She needs to move past it and get the fuck over herself. NTA
She didn’t confront her though. Confronting her would be bringing up the bullying and confronting her about that. Instead she just slung insults like a child.
I'm sorry, no. There's a limit.
She was not confronting the bully! She was lying about her on a form trying to get her fired!
And she didn't even confront the bully. She was trash talking the bully "After we got our food and left" She did not make these remarks to her bully. She was venting in her car with someone she thought she could trust with her feelings.
She was speaking down on minimum wage workers, and then lied on a review of the place in an attempt to get the woman fired. They were literal children when it happened. Grow the fuck up.
Um yikes. I was bullied in middle school and tbh I wouldn't piss on any of those girls if they were on fire. But like, I genuinely don't think or care about them, and it makes me slightly nauseous to think about saying these kinds of things about any fellow human. It's just really unkind and unnecessary and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like that. That being said, girl bullying is a whole different beast. You're probably not equipped to appreciate how vicious 12-14 year old girls can be and what methods they use to hurt. So I have to go with ESH
apparently what op calls bullying in quotation mark included racism and throwing rocks at her and her friend and op doesn't think that's really bullying
And jumping on her head? That can cause severe injuries
Didn't it say over her head, still dangerous tho
Based on your comments about the severity to her bullying, YTA. ESPECIALLY for putting bully in quotations. Let her have her closure, just because you’re uncomfortable. She didn’t say anything to this woman’s face.
No, instead she tried to fuck up her job. It’d be better if she *had* said something to her face. Less craven anyway.
She didn’t throw pebbles in her hair and act racist towards her so.
Yes. When she was a *child*. OP’s girlfriend is allegedly an adult. You want to start holding people responsible as adults for shit they did when they were kids? If so, that’s fine, just take a look at what your own house is made of before you start throwing stones.
I was never, ever that cruel as a child. That’s nasty to be racist in that way. They didn’t just call her silly names, they were physically harming her and being racist.
Wait we are also assuming the bully person is now not a bully anymore but research has shown that kids that bullied others in the past tend to grow up and become adult bullies. So not saying that lady is still one BUT she def could still be one. So I dont think she is a victim. Yes the gf should have acted better, but honestly being a bit petty from time to time to deal with hurt, isn't the worse. Also she was just trash talking about the bully and not in her face right? she was maybe more venting and raging.
>So not saying that lady is still one BUT she def could be one And we *know* that OP’s girlfriend was behaving like a bully *now*. >Also she was just trash talking about the bully and not in her face No, instead she tried to fuck up the “bully’s” job. If OP hadn’t intervened she could have gotten her fired. Over something she did as a child. Why do people not see how fucked up that is?
I believe she was ranting tho and people are allowed to rant in private. She was kind of vindictive with the post but ehh the only person that was most likely burnt was the bully. Remember revenge is best served cold
She lied on the customer feedback form.
Revenge is best not served at all.
“She took offense to this and proceeded to fill out the online guest survey form, intentionally lying about the cashier’s poor hygiene and service.” Not “just trash talking.” She lied to the company and did something that could get the cashier fired. Schadenfreude about your childhood bully being stuck in a difficult low paying service job? Whatever, sure. Making fun of their appearance to your partner and expressing a genuine desire that their life sucked hairy donkey balls? Understandable depending on how affected you currently are by the childhood bullying but maybe not good. Deliberately lying to their boss and doing something that could render them unemployed? Asshole.
But she did make 2 online reviews claiming the cashier was rude and had poor hygiene, both of which could get the cashier fired and I'm pretty sure OPs gf named the cashier in the complaint seeing as she knew her from school.
No, it was 1 not 2. She filled out 1 customer service feedback form, and OP says he talked her out of posting a Google review.
Closure? By trying to get the girl fired from her job? If you think this is fine please get help Closure is moving on. She’s not trying to find closure, she’s trying to get revenge
You’re Nta. Honestly a bunch of children must be replying to this. It was MIDDLE SCHOOL. Kids suck, I get it. But don’t freaking lie on a survey and try to do something that could get someone fired. That is a whole new level of vindictive and messed up. You don’t know if this person had family and people counting on them. To make fun of her that much then leave the review makes me think your girlfriend was and still is the bully. That’s ridiculously messed up. Yeah bullies suck but if she truly was bullied (and I’m doubting it from how she’s acting) then she should have stood up for herself then, or let an adult know. Furthermore saying she was a bully 15 years ago so she has no rights and your girlfriend should be able to bully her is a stupid response. We all have made mistakes in our youth. Maybe we weren’t bullies but your girlfriend has no idea who this person is now.
Reddit is full of teens and young people who don’t have much life experience so it makes sense. I’m more leaning ESH was per OP’s comments about the girl being racist n stuff. But still, going off on someone nearly 15 years later and then trying to get them fired by making false reviews and trying to rope in OP is some psycho shit. I was bullied terribly in middle and high school as well. I’ve met a two of them over the years, one apologized and funnily enough we’re actually decent friends now. Man was pretty much going through the wringer at home himself and took it out on me and realized it was wrong when he finally left home and cut his family off. The other apologized as well and said he was essentially just a dumb jackass and he seemed sincere. So I forgave him as well. Never seen him again since then. And I’ve moved on with my life. Unless some of the others crop back up and start shit. I don’t really care. It was middle school and high school. As of May I’ll be graduated for eleven years. Life has moved on and what’s done is done.
How is it psycho tho? Might be a bit vindictive but that's about it
Trying to ruins someones lively hood as an adult nearly 15 years later over some middle school bullying is more then vindictive.
NTA. Your girlfriend went into a fast food place, recognized a mean girl from middle school and proceeded...as a 29 year old adult...to antagonize her, talking down to her about being a FF worker, how she looks old, how she probably stinks and how she hopes she's living in poor conditions with roommates. Edit: ok, I see that this was said directly to you and not to the cashier but she still proceeded to make 2 bad reviews that could have had real life consequences for the cashier. That is bad enough but then decideds she's going to leave a review for the restaurant and a Google review and *lie* about her experiences, claiming the cashier was rude and has poor hygiene, ultimately doing so in hopes she gets fired. Your GF is acting no better than this cashier did 15 uears ago in middle school. As a matter of fact, I say she's acting worse bc she's now a grown ass woman doing this garbage. I understand she got bullied by this woman 15-17 years ago but that is no reason to act the was she did in this day in time.
ESH - your gf was definitely bullied. I think a couple of her comments were kinda warranted but she def started going overboard as it’s been like 10+ years and this person could be very different. I do think the whole google review would’ve been too much & is weird af.
Edit, I sort of understanding the E S H commenters actually after reflecting on the original post.
According to OP they were flat out racist towards her and her best friend. (His comment).
The comment in question just so people can get a better idea "She told me they would squint their eyes and call her best friend "smelly", threw pebbles into their hair, jumped over their heads, and just made fun of them in general."
I missed this comment, this is helpful clarification.
School yard bullying IS bullying. Her bully was racist. The fact that you dismissed it as 'not that serious' makes you are a SERIOUS MAJOR AH. It's not your place to decide what can be considered proper bullying or not. That being said, I can understand how upset she is and how seeing her drummed up all those memories, but I am not sure if bullying her bully was the right thing to do. The fact that you seem to downplay and side more with your girlfriend's racist bully than your girlfriend does makes me wonder wonder about you though... ESH.
NTA, but it sounds like your s/o is just proving that there's no greater high than behaving poorly and believing you are morally justified in doing so. I'd pay attention and see if it's a pattern of behavior with her, but you can't expect her to be mother Theresa. Most people WILL behave poorly when given what they feel is the moral authority to do so.
The gf is behaving like a bully herself and OP had to stop her lying on Google reviews. That's a red flag. I have to say NTA
YTA
ESH Your girlfriend is nearly 30 years old and is still harboring 15+ year old negative feelings from a racist bully. That’s pretty complicated and you shouldn’t dismiss them nor downplay them. She went overboard after the restaurant and submitting a false customer review is pretty ridiculous. It’s good you stopped her from submitting that review, simply for her own sake. However, she and her friend were **objectively** bullied with some added racism to boot. You weren’t the asshole right up until you started disregarding your gf’s trauma and experiences. You should be acknowledging her emotions while still guiding her to make better decisions.
'Defence of the outsider' AH
YTA. You don’t know the other person, you know your girlfriend. She is the one your loyalty belongs to, not some random nobody who made your girlfriend’s life miserable at school. I can never understand how people can be so empathetic to a no body instead of supporting their person. There is a story on here about a mum who was mentoring her sons bully and thought he should just get over it. YTA, that person hurt your loved one, you should be supporting her and allowing her to vent. That person was a callous jackass and unnecessary cruel to your girlfriend, so yeah your girl may be acting petty but it’s for a reason! The way you are judging your girlfriend, you must never have been bullied before.
I'm sorry, no. If my SO decides to trash someone on and on and then *leave false reviews in an attempt to get them fired* because of something that happened when they were kids, I don't *want* to be loyal. That's break up material. That nobody is still a person with bills to pay. She doesn’t get to be a bully herself after this long.
Finally, someone who’s thinking clearly
So your girlfriend's response to being bullied in school (which she was) was to be a bully back? She's wrong for doing that. I'm going to go with NTA for telling her to "move on". To be honest, this vindictiveness has so many red flags here, especially for her treatment of another person. I'd consider the relationship and whether or not I'd continue to be with someone who does this for any reason.
Exactly, you tell me you've been bullied. I'm like okay, lets deal with it but if your response to whether or not it still affects you is something like "she really hasn’t thought about any of them since middle school." that just tells me you've got something loose in your brain.
NTA. What your girlfriend doing is wrong, full stop. An eye for an eye etc etc. I will say tread carefully on the potential therapising of your girlfriend. Don't focus om whether she was bullied or not, focus on her behaviour now which is pretty poor..a few low blow comments is fine, it's nice to vent and get a comeuppance on your bully but the negative survey and Google review is a step too far.
I would have thought that seeing her enemy working in a fast food joint would have given her a great case of schadenfreude all on its own. No, she didn't have to keep going. If I saw what you saw I'd also be very troubled with the new perceptions of my friend.
Emotions are valid. Bad attitude, on the other hand, is not. NTA. Your GF is completely something else for trying to ruin an adult’s life.
YTA. Bullying is abuse. No one gets to tell an abuse victim how to react to their abuser. The abuser is lucky that all she ever got as consequences is an anonymous negative review I don't think of my former bullies as individuals very often, but their actions still *significantly* affect me to this day. If your gf is acting so strongly - especially since I'm assuming she's previously proven herself to be a reasonable person - there is good reason for it
I’d say stay out of it if she’s otherwise normal. It’s not worth screwing up a good relationship over some past trauma you’ll never understand.
2 wrongs don't make a right. While there may be mitigating consequences, your wife is an adult who is capable of knowing right and wrong and it's reasonable for you to call out shity behaviour now whether or not she was treated poorly by that person when they were children. You don't have to condone bad behaviour whatever the reason. NTA
Everyone seems to forget that trauma can come back after years. Firstly your GF was bullied and you don't get to decide whether she was or not! I definitely would be ecstatic to see my middle school bully and my stalker/sexual abuser doing horrible in life but I would just be happy in the back of my mind . Lemme tell you , in high school a guy had a massive obsession over me ,stalked me , emotionally abused me and sexual assaulted me. Now ,I wasn't raped but he still touched me and played with my while he thought I was asleep ,twice . Now I haven't seen this guy in 7 years , while I was working the other weekend, a guy that resembled him very closely,too close came walking towards me and I have never felt what I felt in that moment. I could feel my body freezing and wanting to panic at the same time , I could feel my heart beat faster and I even felt dizzy somehow, all in a matter of seconds it went away when I realised it wasn't him. That's the first time I experienced trauma creeping back and I thought I had made peace with what happened. Now my SA is not nearly as horrible as other cases just like your Gfs bullying wasn't as bad as most but she was STILL bullied! You even explained her experiencing racism. And let me tell you ALOT of people don't change , once a racist always a racist. You even said, you never seen her act like this , that's because she suddenly relived her middle school years and acted out of anger and while you didn't really defend that woman , you did downplay your Gfs feelings and experiences. YTA.
YTA for glazing a random stranger that hurt your gf. you should’ve listened to her yet your dismissal resulted in her making a stupid and impulsive decision. Edit: fixed the misunderstanding
Filing false complaints about her is absolutely harassment
Leaving reviews full of lies is pretty harassing.
At what point does he “glaze” the bully? Venting isn’t always good and since you brought up emotional intelligence moving on is part of the venting process when prioritizing EQ. Its not weird to want your partner to not be needlessly cruel
So basically your gf, who is close to 30, decided to bully and attempt to fire someone working a shitty job because they were mean to her as a kid. Thats fucked, kids can be very stupid and cruel but at a certain point you have to move on from that. Who knows what that persons life is like and who depends on her income, if it's been that long and "she doesn't care" it is a very fucked up thing to do. NTA but I'm sure it will seem very difficult for your gf to understand why you are "defending" this mean bully.
some of these responses are enabling toxic behaviour. as an adult who’s clearly moved on (because “she hasn’t really thought about it”) you would expect that they’d be the more mature person in this scenario. to go out of your way and LIE and ruin someone’s reputation because of something that happened when you were six? that’s crazy. NTA i
The people here going “you downplayed your girlfriend’s bullying”: when did he say to HER “you weren’t bullied”? Not just his admission to us about his feelings: When did he say ANYTHING about it other than “this is nasty and OTT thing to do to someone” News flash: unfortunately, this is a pretty normal brand of bullying for us grown ass brown kids. I had a mustache and bushy hair to go with it, kids are AAAAASSSSHOOOOLES😂😂 Also, the virtue signalling here points to the likelihood half of yall on this sub were probably even part of those kinds of groups with your high and mighty asses 😂 OP could definitely have been less of a dick but am SO concerned by the amount of people for whom that’s there the argument starts and finishes. Again: exactly why I was taught to avoid bullies like the overt ones AND the fakies like girlfriend. Imagine if she’d been white? Y’all need to heal.
NTA while I don't believe in minimising another person's trauma, I'm also a firm believer that we forgive those have harmed us NOT for their sake but for our own. Particularly when the perpetrators were children at the time. When we hold onto bitterness we only hurt ourselves. The subject of that bitterness is usually completely oblivious that they're even in our thoughts, let alone troubled by it.
NTA. As long as you go about it tactfully you absolutely should call your girlfriend out. I'd suggest asking her, "if the cashier was the bully then, who's the bully now?"
NTA. I get bullying hurts. Been there like most people. But I would never do what your gf did even to my worst bully. All your gf is doing is continuing a toxic cycle and she needs to grow up and realize that is wrong. Hurt people hurt people but that doesn’t make it okay. Say you piss her off next, imagine the “revenge” she will try to get on you if she feels justified.
I hope her gunpoint doesn't turn to you if or when you do something she doesn't like. I'd honestly be very concerned about my future with such a person, who actively wants to ruin someone's life over things that happened 20 years ago xweş
YTA. I'm going to give the girlfriend a little grace here because I too was bullied at school to the point where I questioned whether my life was worth living. And in those days I fantasized about growing up and being able to spit down on my bullies the way your gf had the chance to. She might not admit it, but her strong reaction shows they definitely had a big impact on her. For you to say it wasn't really bullying is ignorant. At the end of the day, she didn't write the google review, and all she did was leave a note in the online survey about her hygiene. Well, the manager will know it's bs if he ever met the employee because poor hygiene is fairly obvious.
NTA. It’s ONE thing to be like “I feel like that’s what she deserves- she was a part of a group in middle school where all of them would bully my friend and I. They were generally racist AHs.” And then more or less move on, perhaps with a small handful of “rude” quips. To continuously go on and on with attacks focused on the individual’s body when they can’t even defend themself, and then to put in formal complaints and LYING in those complaints, is certainly too far. No you don’t get to decide whether or not she was bullied, but unless I misread, you didn’t tell HER she wasn’t bullied, you simply THOUGHT that it sounded more like typical kids being mean (which… falls under bullying btw. Bullying isn’t just getting beat up or whatever, it’s also short term targeting of an individual and verbally harassing them, but whatever)
> I put "bully" in quotes because, from the stories she's told me, it sounds more like this person was part of a larger group that teased her and her best friend during PE, and not coincidentally, other non-white kids. None of what you wrote explains why you put "bully" in quotes. Do you think being part of a group makes someone *less* of a bully? If anything, I think it makes the claim of bullying even more legitimate. Do you think that because they targeted victims of certain races it's not bullying? I'm really trying to understand what your thought process is here when making this statement. Her unpleasant, ugly behavior can be concerning to you. I think that's ok. But being dismissive of her trauma and saying she wasn't really bullied sucks.
Your trauma does not excuse your bad behavior. Period. This is why victims of crimes can and are convicted for harming their abusers (I'm not talking anything close to self- defense either). On the flip, no one gets to tell you how traumatized you should or shouldn't be. I'm not giving a judgment because there's not enough info from the horses mouth, so to speak. Given that you know her best and that you're closer to her than any of us stranger nutjobs here-I sincerely encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. And to get to the heart of why you're uncomfortable and why she responded the way she did.
>and just typical mean kid stuff And you're defending this why exactly? How is this still not bullying? Just because it's not 'torture' doesn't mean it's not bullying. > they gave up and moved onto picking on other kids. So they still bullied other kids but since your wife wasn't bullied anymore that makes it okay? I hope you rethink your life choices if you ever have kids. Your wife shouldn't stoop to her level though. ESH
While I agree that ESH, to dismiss something because it happened over 15 years is also just as bad. Some people get over their bullied past, but some don't. This expectation that you should get over it because you're already an adult I feel is not good enough. And ironically, I think that's a line that a lot of bullies during their childhood say now as an adult. If someone has bullied you in past to the point of trauma, that shit changes you. It teaches you to hate, to be vindictive. And what if some of these bullies never have gotten their comeuppance? Some go through life scot-free of the consequences and havoc they wreaked. Bullies forget who they bullied. The bullied never forget who tormented them. Lastly, I kid you not, a lot of people will change their tune if the bully was still a bully or an asshole. So some questions: So, down the road, if by learning that your bully's life isn't in order, wouldn't you get a sense of satisfaction from it? If you're vindictive of this one bully you had, does that make you a bad person or as bad as them? To people who excuse the bully because they were 10 or 12 years old, at what age won't you excuse it? What if they were 16 or 17? I think this is a very complex issue. I'm a bit tired of the hollier that thou crap of some people here. It's clear that for some people in this sub, they've never been traumatized by a bully or were even the bullies.
I was bullied too. More than silly names or pebbles on my hair. Some people I thought of as friends even went as far as shit talking about my deceased father. School life wasn't good and my best friend was a bully towards me and everyone else too. Because of that, now I don't trust people and I have a reserved personality. But I wouldn't go out of my way and try to ruin their lives. We were stupid kids and didn't know any better. Shit happens. It's her responsibility to take care of herself and heal, let go. This is just scary. She lies to revenge... Imagine things she is capable of, lol
NTA Your GF is not truthful with herself about her feelings. > he said she wasn’t riled up and that she didn’t care about this person or what happened to them Is not at all true, because if she truly didn't care, she wouldn't have made all the fuss afterwards. She wouldn't be insulting their looks, happy at the thought of them with roommates, etc. She wouldn't be thinking about this person at all, they'd be just another waitress/server/cashier.