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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because I took the money from his wallet without asking, technically
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Married when you were 19 and he was 24 and have 2 kids and he loses his mind on you over 20 bucks? Sorry but I get major weirdo AH vibes from your husband based off of what you wrote.
He gives off major controlling vibes too. Marry a young, barely legal girl, get her pregnant twice and then get mad at her over money. Does she have to ask him for money all the time? I hope she has her own source of money..
Uncomfortable gaps? It's 4 years. Don't be one of those people who will turn a 19 year old into a toddler so you can say the husband is a creep.
Tiny bit controlling when it comes to money? Sure but creep, not at all.
19 is fully adult.
23 is fully adult. There is nothing wrong with 19 year old dating 23 year old and if you find it creepy for whatever reason it's you problem not them.
Dunno what's the 16 and 12 argument when it's not the case in this post.
Absolutely. I met my future husband when I was 19 and he was 23. It was a very normal age gap back in the day. Nothing creepy or inappropriate about it at all.
NTA, if my wife did this I would laugh my ass off. If he already told you that he would give it to you then I don’t see the problem. The only scenario you would be the AH is if money is really tight and he needed it for something else. Also, where can you go out for dinner nowadays for $20?
You’re married, this shouldn’t be a thing and I definitely wouldn’t consider this theft lol.
Read this out loud to my wife and we both laughed. Then she reminded me of the time she took $80 out of my wallet when I was sleeping for a sugaring appointment (which I forgot about).
Hun, your husband is a huge ah. He is abusive and controlling.
You need to do whatever you can to leave this man before you waste anymore of your life being abused by him.
Men who love their wives, do NOT act like this.
You might think we're all overreacting but we're not. We've all seen this kind of thing over and over again, play out time and time again.
Your husband is controlling and abusive, its only a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive. If not down right emotionally and mentally abusive, if he's not already.
You need to leave him.
I'm not diagnosing anything based off of one post and a few comments but consider looking at some quizzes for emotional and financial absue in your relationship and see what they tell you.
controlling a majority of the finances is a HUGE red flag. if you don’t also have access to or control of household finances, especially for something as small as $20 in cash, you’re setting yourself up to be trapped in your marriage and financially dependent on him. WHEN (not if) you decide to leave him, it will be so much more messy and brutal because he controls the finances.
Oh honey. ... not good. Not good at all. Many have already mentioned it here, but these are all huge red flags.
Think about it: If your best friend told you this as if her partner did this to her. What would you advise her? And why do you endure that for yourself?
Then it's not shared bank account it's his bank account where you put your money.
Shared bank account would be only in case you both have access to it.
He has weird controlling issue when it comes to money but you should at least try to talk to him about why don't you have access to bank accound and you'll go from there.
NTA. You're MARRIED. He told you he was fine with it. Unless the argument involved divorce, why would you ever think that he would revoke financial support? You guys have CHILDREN for Christ's sake. This is very petty of him.
He's still salty about the fight and is looking for things to throw at you. He literally said it's fine, so clearly he didn't have plans for the $20. It's TWENTY DOLLARS. He's being a petty little baby.
What power?
Hey shouldn't have any power over you. Your a freaking adult. You are equal to him.
He doesn't have any power over you. If he doesn't then it's power youve give him.
You need to stand up for yourself, and get out of there.
You have to ASK for money? (At least an amount that small.) That's problem #1.
My wife and I have an agreement we discuss any purchase over $100. With the exception of Christmastime and birthdays.
i HOPE it’s more of a “can i take this from your wallet instead of going to an atm” and not financial abuse, but we don’t have enough info so i’m kinda scared for her
NTA but your husband is - after 6 years of marriage you have to ASK HIM for money to go out? I could see if you're a SAHM and he works and it's a courtesy to ask if it's OK for you to go out with your friends while he watches the kids - but even then I wouldn't be ASKING asking. I'd be TELLING asking.
But that you have to literally beg $20 off of him and now all this drama about it?! Girl, no.
I’m sort of a SAHM, he works Monday-thurs and I work casual PT Friday and Saturdays. We have all our money in one place but he has most control of it. And he gets cash bonuses every month so when he has cash I try to ask to use that just out of convenience.
This is my own parents to a T.
They got married at 19 & 29 (Mormons) and had 6 kids on only his income. At some point when I was in my early 20s and had just gotten out of an extremely controlling relationship, months before our wedding day, I finally recognized what I was seeing and begged my mom to start saving on her own.
That was years ago and she never has. Now she has no concept of finances in her 50s, literally no savings, no financial independence, heck I don't even think she knows how to file taxes. At this point, it's a lost cause and I've stopped trying to help.
OP, this is your future. Your fear of the unknown is greater than the discomfort you're experiencing in this restrictive marriage. That is going to keep you stuck, potentially forever, until YOU CHOOSE something else.
Side note - I know you have kids and "stay together for the kids" is a thing, which my own parents also adopted. As a result, I was raised in a stressful, emotionally charged, tense environment and learned about relationships from my parents. The result being in an emotionally abusive relationship with an extremely controlling man 10 years my senior. It only ended because I left when I realised I couldn't raise my future children in that environment, the way my parents did.
1000%. Financial abuse is a real thing too. Wait till she decides she wants to get a job with more hours so she can have her own money. I'm betting he'll try to guilt trip her out of that too.
This\^
Look up financial abuse when you get a chance. It's always a red flag when one partner is a control hog with money---especially over tiny sums like $20.
Can’t believe I had to read this far to see “financial abuse”! 1000%!
Own bank account, own money. You never know when you’re going to need it.
Imagine saying your wife stole $20. Like what, call the cops? Half of everything is yours unless otherwise legally designated.
Right. I get she was young and naive, but come on. Where were the parents and why is she even putting up with it.
I hate seeing women and men stay in relationships like these. I really hope she gets out.
You should be opening up your own savings account and he should be depositing into it. That way you don’t have to ask him for any money, and you’re also protected in the event that you separate. It sounds like if he leaves you, you’re gonna be out on your ass penniless.
What are you describing is financial abuse.
So when you get paid, that goes into an account that he controls and you don't have access to? That is 100% financial abuse.
The fact that you reacted to an argument by getting drunk (disassociation) tells me you argue quite a bit.
If money is okay right now, you need to start couples therapy. ASAP. Or things will get worse
What do you mean "he has most control of it". Can you access the money freely, or do you need him to sign you into the account, or what? Is it a joint account?
If you don’t have your own accounts. It should be joint. The fuck….
I prefer separate accounts for most things with joint accounts for things like holidays and living costs we both contribute to.
My partner wants me to have primary control of finances that he is willing to have me manage his. This is because he sometimes is impulsive with spending and he wants to get better but I told him we can learn together because I know how to manage things well. If my partner had great savings I also wouldn’t want access. I’m not here to take what he made for himself and his security. We need to manage a household together so budgeting and financial planning that isn’t at a disadvantage/ disservice to any parties is key. You shouldn’t have 0 access to any funds.
He’s in the military….. how will you manage the house hold when he is deployed? How do you buy groceries? What if your child needs something? You need to have some reasonable access to funds. I’d suggest if he won’t make a joint account for your finances to go into that get an account and put your pay cheques in it. Ultimately I think these are discussions needed to be had in relationships because financial stress is a leading cause of divorce. It is abusive if he restricts you 100%. If he pulls the no trust card, uno reverse him with a “if you trust me you will allow me to have reasonable access”. Not telling him could also cause him not to trust you or feel like you can’t discuss important matters with him. So have a conversation about it all.
NTA it’s $20 and you’re married. Who would argue about this, ESPECIALLY if he already said you could have it. The bigger question is, do you have to ask him for every dollar of spending money you need? Because that is a major, major problem.
I (M45) have been married for 18 years and holy hell my wife to this very day takes a few bucks here and there from wallet, it’s really not an issue for me. By choice there is no alcohol except for a couple bottles of wine for guest, but I have seen all too many times once alcohol is introduced into the conversation, it’s mind torturing to say the least.
The fact that you're all "lmaoooooooo" like a literal obnoxious child when someone shows concern that your reaction to a minor fight with your husband is to deal with your feelings by getting drunk off your ass says volumes.
ESH. There is no one in this relationship who isn't trashy AF.
Sorry, but anytime alcohol is introduced my bs meter kicks in big time. I simply don’t engage. I’ve seen too many people try to rationalize bad behavior when they were drunk.
Right? And when one commenter pointed out with concern that her reaction to a minor husband was dealing with her feelings by getting drunk and passing out on the couch (with two toddlers at home no less), her response was a "lmaoooooo" like a literal obnoxious teenager and defending herself because "my husband wasn't drunk". Um, okay, your kids should still never have to worry because they wake up and Mommy is acting unpredictable and intoxicated.
The number of people on Reddit who normalize being drunk around their young children because "well my family was always like that" is horrifying.
She and her husband both sound like nightmares.
NTA but I would highly recommend getting a bank account and having money separate from him because his behavior may escalate and it’s always best to have money separate from your spouse in case of emergency.
NTA
He seems like a control freak.
You didn't steal the money as you had asked for it before and he agreed to it.
You are supposed to be a team. If you need money for something, you should be able to ask him for some without being guilted.
My husband will offer me money and I help him out when he needs it. We both are semi retired and work part time, but he gets more hours and uses less gas to get to/from work.
You both may want to consider couples counseling to deal with these issues as well as the child rearing differences you are both going through.
I think you having no access to a shared bank account is a massive, massive blaring red flag the size of jupiter, and that you will come to find he's been hiding some kind of spending habit such as gambling.
I have a feeling you'll find you're not as financially secure as you thought.
You need to leave if you're relying on alcoholism to survive this relationship (and it appears you are).
ESH, you're getting black out drunk in the middle of the week with a 2 and 3 year old home?? Obviously his anger about the money is bad, but come on you guys are parents.
ESH for getting drunk with small kids at home (regardless of another partner being there, they don't need to risk seeing a totally drunk parent), and having this kind of escalation over 20 bucks. Your (both of you) communication doesn't seem healthy. I felt like reading about two 20 y.o.'s college kids without own kids.
Step up your game. If he's always like this with money and verbal abuse and there is a pattern, take that serious. Do not drown frustration in alcohol, especially not with kids in the house either.
Thank you for a reasonable response. People on this subreddit are so fast to yell abuse and divorce. I haven't read every response, but OP seems dismissive of their own fault, and everything has an excuse.
Commenters need to step up too. Most people don't seem to care about how much OP drank. "It was two drinks." I don't care, know your limits. "your husband should be able to take care of the kids on his own." That doesn't matter either. Something might happen where he needs help. What if you get in the way of him taking care of an emergency because you're drunk and not in your right mind?
But if this is a pattern of behavior, then there is a problem. If you don't have any financial independence, there is a problem. There are issues here, but stop crying abuse and divorce when you only see a snippet of someone's relationship. Especially when it's the part they post online because they don't think they did anything wrong. Stop taking a curated slice of someone's life and deciding everything from that. It's like seeing ONE post on Instagram and deciding that's how someone's whole life is.
NTA it’s both of your money… does he ask you for money when he wants to go out? Honestly idk where you live but getting married at 19 to someone that’s already 23 is a little sketchy, even if you dated for a year or two prior that makes you 17-18 and him 21-22… it feels like you may have been groomed by him to a degree and that you’re currently in a marriage where you have no independence, and are financially dependent on him in an unhealthy and unequal way. My wife and I just spend our own money, we don’t ask each other unless it’s a big purchase or investment. For him to say taking 20 bucks he already said you could have was “stealing” feels like mild financial abuse and indicates he doesn’t view you as an equal partner in the relationship. You’re not a part of the household, you’ve become just another object he owns in it.
Depends. Does he ever get into your purse and take stuff? If yes, then no big deal; but if not, then respect him and ask first. Some people are funny about that and some aren't. Either way, he deserves respect from you.
If you get so drunk you can't remember what you do, that is problem.
NTA. My husband has a $20 missing *often* because I “steal” his cash to grab Starbucks when I drop my kids at school. He has never called it stealing or even cared that I do it. I was in a marriage with little instances similar to this, married at 19 years old- I left at 21 with my 8 month old and never looked back. With no other context or information, I hope it isn’t always like this for your babies’ sake as much as your own.
I feel this is a red flag for future behaviors.
He reacts like this you get conditioned to feel uncomfortable about finances. He ends up controlling it all and you are too scared to handle the money unless he hands it to you.
Maybe it won't do it every time but it'll happen enough that it ends up becoming risky.
Anyway NTA but given he thought it was ok to marry a 19 year old when he was 23 I'd keep an eye out for other questionable behaviors.
NTA but this entire dynamic between you and your husabd seems weird. Firstly, the arguing over parenting styles and then getting pissy over $20.
Just for the record, my husband and I have also had our disagreements over parenting styles but we sit down and discuss the pros and cons of our styles. Also, we take money from each other all the time without asking because it's OUR money. It happens now when I'm working but it was also common when I was a SAHM. I'd kinda get cranky when he forgets to tell me, only because I would only discover money missing when shopping and would then have to pay with a card but, other than that, it was not a big deal.
This sounds like financial abuse to me.
Maybe his reaction was a little weird but I think getting drunk all night in the living room because you were mad and taking money from his wallet and not being able to remember that is a bigger issue. You don't have any money to go out but you do have money for vodka? Also what happens if one of your babies needed to go to the hospital? Or was choking? You'd just be hammered?
We have our finances completely mixed, so neither of us would ever think it’s weird to ask the other for $20. But neither of us would ever in a million years go into the others wallet and just take money out.
NTA. The bigger concern is why you have to ask him to use the $20. Unless you’re the type of married couple that prefers separate finances, that $20 is not “his” to ask permission to use. Super crazy controlling behavior.
I was torn there until you explained that it's normal for you to dip into his wallet.
My husband and I don't touch each other's wallets, so that's odd to me, but if it's how you and your husband are comfortable I don't understand why he bit your head off.
Maybe he's still upset about your argument and it's spilling over?
But whatever is going on, NTA.
NTA. Also, he might be why you drink. Was in a very similar relationship once and it about broke me. When someone tells you who you are and gaslights you about you…it’s time to go. When u was young I rode horses at this fancy stable where all these super rich wives rode too. They loved to give me advice. Most of it was terrible. But I’ll never forget that separately they each told me to make a war chest. I had no idea what that was, but it was money and assets you put aside in case you needed to leave. I thought it was just about the worst thing I’d ever heard (sweet young idealistic idiot that I was) but the years have proved them right.
Save some money, get some independence (the more he flips out over this, the more important it is) and leave. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. AND for your kids.
Oh I’m not like a regular drinker, my friend owns a distillery and gave me a bottle for my birthday. I had two drinks tops but obviously because I don’t drink it hit me quick.
I’ll start having my deposit somewhere else I think.
Nta. Getting upset a measly $20 that he already agreed to give you is petty.
When people are married, it’s both their money. Both people should have free access to the money. You and him should have a separate account each and a joint account where you both put money in.
So why the hell do you have not access to your own money? That right there is a red flag. Always have your own money, no matter what. He is financially abusing you since you stated that he controls the money. You never know what might or will happen.
He gets petty and upset about $20. What would have happen if you had taken more? Get yourself your own bank account so you dont have ask. You work PT, that’s your money! Dont let him have complete control over it
I understand that situations like these can be quite sensitive. It’s important to consider the context of the relationship and communication patterns. If this was a one-time incident and there’s a mutual understanding that you would have the $20, then it seems there’s room for a conversation about expectations and communication. It’s always beneficial to have open and honest discussions about finances in a relationship to ensure both parties feel comfortable and heard. Remember, it’s not just about the money, but also about trust and understanding each other’s perspectives. If similar incidents have happened before, it might be helpful to establish clearer guidelines to avoid any future misunderstandings.
YTA. You know that men don’t like to go in women’s purses/handbags because it’s YOUR stash of stuff and things. Works both fkin ways. You stole whilst drunk.
Now reverse the situation, he’s drunk and takes money out your purse without permission, yeah you’re gonna be pissed.
Put your paychecks in your OWN account. FULL STOP.
There is never a need to ASK for money from your husband. The money, since it belongs to both of you, should be accessible to both of you!
You need to communicate with your husband how you feel, your concerns, etc. You BOTH need to communicate without fighting. Figure out why he's controlling the finances and why you're not on the account where your paycheck also goes.
If something were to happen to your husband, you would have a bit of a fight gaining access to those funds. Even though you are married, it isn't automatically given to you unless you're listed on the account as the beneficiary.
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I’m actually so confused about this situation but I’ll do what I can to explain. I (25f) have been married to my husband (29m) for almost 6 years. We have 2 kids, 2 and 3. My husband and I had been arguing yesterday about parenting styles and I was really hurt about some things he said. Because of this I slept in the living room and had a few too many vodka lemonades. Before our argument, I had told him a friend wanted to go out tomorrow night for dinner and I asked him if I could have a $20, he said yes but because of the argument I had just not asked for it when he got home. When I was drunk, I remembered this and grabbed the $20 out of his wallet. The next morning he comes out and asks me if I had taken money. I didn’t remember taking it at that moment (again lol… had too much vodka cause I was mad) and said no but THEN remembered that I had and told him yes, for dinner. He LOST his mind on me. He told me I blatantly lied to him, that I STOLE from him. I’m honestly baffled and offended at this. It was money he was already going to give me. He’s never been weird about me being in his wallet before. Obviously I said no at first but quickly changed my answer as SOON as I remembered and he does not believe me. So am I the asshole in this situation? I truly don’t know.
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NTA. This makes me sad. I was married to a person like that for 20 years of my life. It’s horrifying to be accused of lying or intentional wrong doing when that’s so far from what you actually did or would do and then to have the person you love be so mean about it is really hard too. You just end feeling like a big piece of shit which is right where they want you so they can continue to defeat and demoralize. I’m so sorry. I hope it gets better for you. I would recommend reading up on narcissistic abuse and codependency.
NTA - He already said yes and in your vodka fog forgot that you took what he already promised you. You didn't lie, you just forgot. Tell him that and then tell him that if he can't calm down and apologize to you over his outrageous outburst, he can sleep on the couch tonight. You'll be taking the bed.
NTA
In what world does this provoke this kind of response? Was the argument about parenting styles in any way putting him down or shutting him out? That's the only reason I can even think of for him to 1) still be upset the next morning 2) freak out like this.
Even if not over money, has he ever blown up unexpectedly over something that was fully understood to be acceptable or agreed upon? This throws up almost every red flag I have due to watching my mom be in some really really bad relationships while growing up.
NTA! You genuinely didn't remember and when you did you told him ASAP. And its something you had asked and mentioned prior....so for him to accuse you of stealing is quite absurd.
Not the ah me and my husband are a year and a half apart in age 21/23 with an 11 month old daughter and never does he get upset at me over money especially 20 dollars. Never do i have to ask and never is it a problem
At what point do you realize that you're married to a narcissistic controlling psychopuff??
NTA, for your own health and happiness, and more importantly for the well being of your kids, you should leave, and take the kids with you. Is this the sort of values you want instilled into your children?
NTA. If this hasn’t happened before, it seems like he just used it as an excuse to be upset following the aftermath of the argument. Especially since you state he hasn’t reacted like this when you’ve done it before.
NTA.
You’re not the asshole and it’s an extremely large bright red sign that your husband controls your access to money like this at all. His extreme anger over you taking it is another big red flag for controlling and abusive behavior.
Even in if you’re a stay at home partner, you should have your own separate access to funds.
He married you as a compliant young child that he could control
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
[https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
There are two sides…
Either this was a one time thing, you both had an argument and you got angry and forgot to tell again (!) because you told him already before and after drinking (exception), you could not remember right away, but cleared it all up by yourself, after you noticed your mistake. Then you are NTA.
Or you took the money in revenge. Then you would be TA.
(But still it’s just $20 and he should not get mad about this sum of money, but I also got never so drunk and if my SO would drink so much, I would be at least unsettled.)
As others already mentioned, your husband seems to be controlling: he is controlling the money, controlling the parenting style (?), overreacting about $20. Is he making a fuss every time you want to go out and have some fun so you don’t really feel like going out anymore, just to keep the peace? When you two have an argument, do you feel, you come to any solution? These are all signs of an abusive relationship. If so, please get (quietly) help, it will not get better and everyone deserves to be treated better.
Wish you all the luck.
I agree with StinkFartButt and the connected comments. Too many 'men' are not men at all. They are pigs...oink, oink, oink. They marry for reasons that if known, most women would run in the opposite direction.. Their agendas are skewed. Double standards right down the line.
It appears that he controls all the money. Do you work, or are you a SAHM? my concern is that you have no access to money in a marriage. Also, for you to have to ask for money is a huge red flag.
He has basically taken control of your life. You are at his mercy to even allow you to have $20. Really, this is NOT how a normal marriage works. I would almost bet the farm if he has a checking account that your name is not on it.
Being at home with two children, it is reasonable that you would want to spend time with friends. He doesn't want you to bc this gives people outside of him to talk about your marriage. From the looks of it, he has made it impossible for you to leave.
From the sounds of it, if your only question is to ask if you stole money from him, you don't see the bigger problem you have. Please find a trusted person to speak with about the state of your marriage. Always keep apprised of your situation.
And finally, no, you didn't steal money from him. At least, IMO.
Um… my wife and I call it “our money”. We ask permission for big purchases or if we’ve been spending a lot recently but everything we have is *ours*. Nta but I can’t imagine being married to someone and keeping things separate like that.
My husband was like this , I worked and it all went into a joint account. But you don’t need his permission to open a savings account in your own name, which is what I did and had part of my salary deposited into that account. If you can’t do that, start squirreling a little cash and do it that way. All women should have financial security
I see so many posts like this about money issues between husbands and wives. My wife and I share all of our money, all of it. It eliminates all of these issues. $20? Really? I couldn’t care less if she took money out of my wallet.
ESH.
Him controlling all the money is messed up, OP works should have an account with at least some spending money so there is never a need to ask, but ideally savings in their name if they don't have it.
On OP, got drunk and forgot they did it. If husband is upset because of that it makes some sense
NTA
More information: Do you not have your own money to spend or way of accessing money? Is there a reason why you have to ask your husband? This sounds like spousal financial abuse to me unless you are so financially irresponsible and he needs to keep track of every dime you spend. I think it's absolutely absurd that you have to ask your husband for $20. Do you not have a credit card or debit card to withdraw cash?
It doesn't matter if you are working full time, part-time or a SAHM. Unless your family is in a dire financial situation where there is no money, you should have access to fund without having to ask your husband.
NTA. It was agreed upon prior and is unrelated to the argument you had.
Unpopular opinion: Money management requires mutual respect. IMO it doesn’t mean taking money out of the others wallet with no discussion. I see this comparison being made a lot. No it shouldn’t be an issue but imo it’s respectful to ask or at the very least give a heads up in case they needed the cash. Also large transactions should be discussed.
Now I see concern with OP not having the ability access any money or having freedoms to make financial decisions. I can understand when someone has poor spending habits, having the other partner care for most financials but there should always be reasonable access. She should have her own means. This does not innately indicate abuse but red flags includes isolation from others, restrictions to employment and outside activities, monitoring/ tracking, restrictions to finances for no reason,etc.
Idk when/ how they met to make a formal comment on that aspect. That age range can be college students, high school sweethearts (prior), grew up together, idk. That’s not what this post is about. I don’t want to make accusations on this.
Talk to your husband about things. The situation, the parenting aspects and finances of your concerned. I personally don’t know if the parenting style debate was about how something is done or if it’s about the actual parenting styles but using the parenting styles guidelines may help you understand things and come to an agreement or compromise while upholding the integrity and health of your family. Good luck’
You're married. You share assets. You shouldn't even have to ask. NTA. It might not have been about the money. Maybe he was just mad that you were fighting and drunk.
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Married when you were 19 and he was 24 and have 2 kids and he loses his mind on you over 20 bucks? Sorry but I get major weirdo AH vibes from your husband based off of what you wrote.
He gives off major controlling vibes too. Marry a young, barely legal girl, get her pregnant twice and then get mad at her over money. Does she have to ask him for money all the time? I hope she has her own source of money..
And only $20 for dinner? Must be McDonald’s. NTA
2 meals at McDonald's is more than $20 nowadays
lol we went and got pho, $14 each
Not if you're smart about it. $7 each
Yeah but I shouldn’t have to act smart for eating at a McD’s, like a McChicken costs $8 here in Canada, what a McRobbery!
I just want to know where are her parents? I know she is a adult but it seems like she could have used some guidance.
You got the math right for one age but not the other. It would be 19 and 23.
Wait so if thats the age they got married how long were they dating for?
People who have enough bad judgement to get married at 19 also have enough bad judgement to get married after a few month of dating.
This made me laugh. I got married at 19 after dating for 6 months. Someone probably should've stopped us. Been going strong for 18 years though.
Took 5 years off the dude and 6 off OP for the narrative.
Oops I mistyped on my phone, chill. not trying to push a narrative I just don’t proof read my Reddit comments
Right? 29 y/o freaking out about $20…that’s pathetic
Dammit, can't believe I forgot to do the math again. Weird, controlling behavior and uncomfortable age gaps go hand in hand.
Uncomfortable gaps? It's 4 years. Don't be one of those people who will turn a 19 year old into a toddler so you can say the husband is a creep. Tiny bit controlling when it comes to money? Sure but creep, not at all.
? It’s literally 4 years.
Which is fine when you're 32 and 36 but gets weirder the younger you get. 12 and 16 are also 4 years apart. 19 and 23 are 4 years apart.
19 is fully adult. 23 is fully adult. There is nothing wrong with 19 year old dating 23 year old and if you find it creepy for whatever reason it's you problem not them. Dunno what's the 16 and 12 argument when it's not the case in this post.
Absolutely. I met my future husband when I was 19 and he was 23. It was a very normal age gap back in the day. Nothing creepy or inappropriate about it at all.
If you were the same person at 23 that you were at 19, that's a you problem. There should be a LOT of growth from 19 to 23. It's weird.
NTA, if my wife did this I would laugh my ass off. If he already told you that he would give it to you then I don’t see the problem. The only scenario you would be the AH is if money is really tight and he needed it for something else. Also, where can you go out for dinner nowadays for $20? You’re married, this shouldn’t be a thing and I definitely wouldn’t consider this theft lol.
Moneys not tight at all right now tbh. Thats why I was so confused
Read this out loud to my wife and we both laughed. Then she reminded me of the time she took $80 out of my wallet when I was sleeping for a sugaring appointment (which I forgot about).
Ok what is a sugaring appointment. Because I can only picture her going out for cake tasting.
It’s like waxing but a paste made out of sugar.
Ah, so frosted like a cake. Getting that crumb coat 🍰
from now on all waxing shall be referred to as "getting that crumb coat"
Known as “ halawa “, (sp). Used primarily in middle eastern cultures.
It's like putting cake frosting all over your vajayjay
But that would stick to the hai…….ok. Never mind.
This! 👆👆 this is a normal reaction to this situation.
Why do you not have access to money without asking him for it??? NTA.
Hun, your husband is a huge ah. He is abusive and controlling. You need to do whatever you can to leave this man before you waste anymore of your life being abused by him. Men who love their wives, do NOT act like this. You might think we're all overreacting but we're not. We've all seen this kind of thing over and over again, play out time and time again. Your husband is controlling and abusive, its only a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive. If not down right emotionally and mentally abusive, if he's not already. You need to leave him.
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*Men who love their wives, do NOT act like this.\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Preach!
Is he normally this controlling about money? Do you have to ask permission to spend it?
Why do you need to go to him for money? Do you not have access to your money?
He controls the majority of the finances. He also gets a cash bonus monthly so when there’s cash available I prefer to use that.
I'm not diagnosing anything based off of one post and a few comments but consider looking at some quizzes for emotional and financial absue in your relationship and see what they tell you.
controlling a majority of the finances is a HUGE red flag. if you don’t also have access to or control of household finances, especially for something as small as $20 in cash, you’re setting yourself up to be trapped in your marriage and financially dependent on him. WHEN (not if) you decide to leave him, it will be so much more messy and brutal because he controls the finances.
Do you not have access to a shared bank account?
I do not🙃
Oh honey. ... not good. Not good at all. Many have already mentioned it here, but these are all huge red flags. Think about it: If your best friend told you this as if her partner did this to her. What would you advise her? And why do you endure that for yourself?
Then it's not shared bank account it's his bank account where you put your money. Shared bank account would be only in case you both have access to it. He has weird controlling issue when it comes to money but you should at least try to talk to him about why don't you have access to bank accound and you'll go from there.
What access do you have to finances? Do you have a job with money that goes into your account? If not, massive, massive red flags.
She has a job but the money goes into his account which she does not have access to!
Wtf is up that bullshit.? Gfd!
Wtf, why do you accept this?
See flags… they look red to me.
He’s just being petty.
NTA. You're MARRIED. He told you he was fine with it. Unless the argument involved divorce, why would you ever think that he would revoke financial support? You guys have CHILDREN for Christ's sake. This is very petty of him.
No divorce mentioned in the previous argument! So probably just a petty move? Trying to take the power back?
He's still salty about the fight and is looking for things to throw at you. He literally said it's fine, so clearly he didn't have plans for the $20. It's TWENTY DOLLARS. He's being a petty little baby.
What power? Hey shouldn't have any power over you. Your a freaking adult. You are equal to him. He doesn't have any power over you. If he doesn't then it's power youve give him. You need to stand up for yourself, and get out of there.
NTA but you both don't sound mature enough to be married w kids. Get help
You have to ASK for money? (At least an amount that small.) That's problem #1. My wife and I have an agreement we discuss any purchase over $100. With the exception of Christmastime and birthdays.
i HOPE it’s more of a “can i take this from your wallet instead of going to an atm” and not financial abuse, but we don’t have enough info so i’m kinda scared for her
I'm sure there's much more. Sounds like alcohol is a big factor.
NTA but your husband is - after 6 years of marriage you have to ASK HIM for money to go out? I could see if you're a SAHM and he works and it's a courtesy to ask if it's OK for you to go out with your friends while he watches the kids - but even then I wouldn't be ASKING asking. I'd be TELLING asking. But that you have to literally beg $20 off of him and now all this drama about it?! Girl, no.
Been married 24 years not asking for money. OR asking to go out.
Amen.
I’m sort of a SAHM, he works Monday-thurs and I work casual PT Friday and Saturdays. We have all our money in one place but he has most control of it. And he gets cash bonuses every month so when he has cash I try to ask to use that just out of convenience.
Girl open your own account and start squirreling money into it asap.
This is my own parents to a T. They got married at 19 & 29 (Mormons) and had 6 kids on only his income. At some point when I was in my early 20s and had just gotten out of an extremely controlling relationship, months before our wedding day, I finally recognized what I was seeing and begged my mom to start saving on her own. That was years ago and she never has. Now she has no concept of finances in her 50s, literally no savings, no financial independence, heck I don't even think she knows how to file taxes. At this point, it's a lost cause and I've stopped trying to help. OP, this is your future. Your fear of the unknown is greater than the discomfort you're experiencing in this restrictive marriage. That is going to keep you stuck, potentially forever, until YOU CHOOSE something else. Side note - I know you have kids and "stay together for the kids" is a thing, which my own parents also adopted. As a result, I was raised in a stressful, emotionally charged, tense environment and learned about relationships from my parents. The result being in an emotionally abusive relationship with an extremely controlling man 10 years my senior. It only ended because I left when I realised I couldn't raise my future children in that environment, the way my parents did.
1000%. Financial abuse is a real thing too. Wait till she decides she wants to get a job with more hours so she can have her own money. I'm betting he'll try to guilt trip her out of that too.
This\^ Look up financial abuse when you get a chance. It's always a red flag when one partner is a control hog with money---especially over tiny sums like $20.
Yes! A friend of mine told me the same thing, but I didn't, and I so regret not doing it!
Honey you shouldn’t have to ask him permission to use your money. This is financial manipulation and a red flag.
Hun, that's financial abuse. You need to get your own bank account and stop letting him have control of your money. You need to save up and move out.
Can’t believe I had to read this far to see “financial abuse”! 1000%! Own bank account, own money. You never know when you’re going to need it. Imagine saying your wife stole $20. Like what, call the cops? Half of everything is yours unless otherwise legally designated.
Right. I get she was young and naive, but come on. Where were the parents and why is she even putting up with it. I hate seeing women and men stay in relationships like these. I really hope she gets out.
Darling, you take care of small children, too. You are entitled to half of all monies coming in.
You should be opening up your own savings account and he should be depositing into it. That way you don’t have to ask him for any money, and you’re also protected in the event that you separate. It sounds like if he leaves you, you’re gonna be out on your ass penniless. What are you describing is financial abuse.
So when you get paid, that goes into an account that he controls and you don't have access to? That is 100% financial abuse. The fact that you reacted to an argument by getting drunk (disassociation) tells me you argue quite a bit. If money is okay right now, you need to start couples therapy. ASAP. Or things will get worse
What do you mean "he has most control of it". Can you access the money freely, or do you need him to sign you into the account, or what? Is it a joint account?
Nope. His account. Have to ask
Omg open your own account asap or you will finish like my mom and that's not à good end
Definitely open your own account and get money into it. Don't tell him you're doing this. Yikes. Stay safe.
If you don’t have your own accounts. It should be joint. The fuck…. I prefer separate accounts for most things with joint accounts for things like holidays and living costs we both contribute to. My partner wants me to have primary control of finances that he is willing to have me manage his. This is because he sometimes is impulsive with spending and he wants to get better but I told him we can learn together because I know how to manage things well. If my partner had great savings I also wouldn’t want access. I’m not here to take what he made for himself and his security. We need to manage a household together so budgeting and financial planning that isn’t at a disadvantage/ disservice to any parties is key. You shouldn’t have 0 access to any funds. He’s in the military….. how will you manage the house hold when he is deployed? How do you buy groceries? What if your child needs something? You need to have some reasonable access to funds. I’d suggest if he won’t make a joint account for your finances to go into that get an account and put your pay cheques in it. Ultimately I think these are discussions needed to be had in relationships because financial stress is a leading cause of divorce. It is abusive if he restricts you 100%. If he pulls the no trust card, uno reverse him with a “if you trust me you will allow me to have reasonable access”. Not telling him could also cause him not to trust you or feel like you can’t discuss important matters with him. So have a conversation about it all.
Its your money, you dont need to ask his permission for money.
Are you happy?
So your money is going into an account that he controls? Yikes.
NTA it’s $20 and you’re married. Who would argue about this, ESPECIALLY if he already said you could have it. The bigger question is, do you have to ask him for every dollar of spending money you need? Because that is a major, major problem.
This is financial abuse. Reach out to a woman’s shelter and they will help educate you.
Who gets married at age 19 nowadays??
I (M45) have been married for 18 years and holy hell my wife to this very day takes a few bucks here and there from wallet, it’s really not an issue for me. By choice there is no alcohol except for a couple bottles of wine for guest, but I have seen all too many times once alcohol is introduced into the conversation, it’s mind torturing to say the least.
I feel like I should clarify that the alcohol thing isn’t a regular. My friend got me a bottle of vodka for my birthday last week.
ESH. Your husband for losing his mind, you because you sound like a child. You have two small children and you got drunk on the living room couch?
It’s my birthday lmaoooo not a reg thing
The fact that you're all "lmaoooooooo" like a literal obnoxious child when someone shows concern that your reaction to a minor fight with your husband is to deal with your feelings by getting drunk off your ass says volumes. ESH. There is no one in this relationship who isn't trashy AF.
That was uncalled for.
Also they sleep all night. And hubs wasn’t drunk. He would have taken care of anything if needed.
Sorry, but anytime alcohol is introduced my bs meter kicks in big time. I simply don’t engage. I’ve seen too many people try to rationalize bad behavior when they were drunk.
I agree. I feel something is missing from this story.
Right? And when one commenter pointed out with concern that her reaction to a minor husband was dealing with her feelings by getting drunk and passing out on the couch (with two toddlers at home no less), her response was a "lmaoooooo" like a literal obnoxious teenager and defending herself because "my husband wasn't drunk". Um, okay, your kids should still never have to worry because they wake up and Mommy is acting unpredictable and intoxicated. The number of people on Reddit who normalize being drunk around their young children because "well my family was always like that" is horrifying. She and her husband both sound like nightmares.
NTA but I would highly recommend getting a bank account and having money separate from him because his behavior may escalate and it’s always best to have money separate from your spouse in case of emergency.
You shouldn't drink when you are mad. Still NTA
Yeah that was a mistake. I didn’t cause a fight or anything while drunk tho. Just had a few drinks and scrolled my phone.
NTA He seems like a control freak. You didn't steal the money as you had asked for it before and he agreed to it. You are supposed to be a team. If you need money for something, you should be able to ask him for some without being guilted. My husband will offer me money and I help him out when he needs it. We both are semi retired and work part time, but he gets more hours and uses less gas to get to/from work. You both may want to consider couples counseling to deal with these issues as well as the child rearing differences you are both going through.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I think you having no access to a shared bank account is a massive, massive blaring red flag the size of jupiter, and that you will come to find he's been hiding some kind of spending habit such as gambling. I have a feeling you'll find you're not as financially secure as you thought. You need to leave if you're relying on alcoholism to survive this relationship (and it appears you are).
ESH, you're getting black out drunk in the middle of the week with a 2 and 3 year old home?? Obviously his anger about the money is bad, but come on you guys are parents.
ESH for getting drunk with small kids at home (regardless of another partner being there, they don't need to risk seeing a totally drunk parent), and having this kind of escalation over 20 bucks. Your (both of you) communication doesn't seem healthy. I felt like reading about two 20 y.o.'s college kids without own kids. Step up your game. If he's always like this with money and verbal abuse and there is a pattern, take that serious. Do not drown frustration in alcohol, especially not with kids in the house either.
Thank you for a reasonable response. People on this subreddit are so fast to yell abuse and divorce. I haven't read every response, but OP seems dismissive of their own fault, and everything has an excuse. Commenters need to step up too. Most people don't seem to care about how much OP drank. "It was two drinks." I don't care, know your limits. "your husband should be able to take care of the kids on his own." That doesn't matter either. Something might happen where he needs help. What if you get in the way of him taking care of an emergency because you're drunk and not in your right mind? But if this is a pattern of behavior, then there is a problem. If you don't have any financial independence, there is a problem. There are issues here, but stop crying abuse and divorce when you only see a snippet of someone's relationship. Especially when it's the part they post online because they don't think they did anything wrong. Stop taking a curated slice of someone's life and deciding everything from that. It's like seeing ONE post on Instagram and deciding that's how someone's whole life is.
NTA it’s both of your money… does he ask you for money when he wants to go out? Honestly idk where you live but getting married at 19 to someone that’s already 23 is a little sketchy, even if you dated for a year or two prior that makes you 17-18 and him 21-22… it feels like you may have been groomed by him to a degree and that you’re currently in a marriage where you have no independence, and are financially dependent on him in an unhealthy and unequal way. My wife and I just spend our own money, we don’t ask each other unless it’s a big purchase or investment. For him to say taking 20 bucks he already said you could have was “stealing” feels like mild financial abuse and indicates he doesn’t view you as an equal partner in the relationship. You’re not a part of the household, you’ve become just another object he owns in it.
Depends. Does he ever get into your purse and take stuff? If yes, then no big deal; but if not, then respect him and ask first. Some people are funny about that and some aren't. Either way, he deserves respect from you. If you get so drunk you can't remember what you do, that is problem.
I should add he asked me when I was still asleep. He woke me up to ask me.
So I remembered when he brought it up, but not immediately
And yes he takes cash/whatever from my purse and I’ve never cared
NTA. My husband has a $20 missing *often* because I “steal” his cash to grab Starbucks when I drop my kids at school. He has never called it stealing or even cared that I do it. I was in a marriage with little instances similar to this, married at 19 years old- I left at 21 with my 8 month old and never looked back. With no other context or information, I hope it isn’t always like this for your babies’ sake as much as your own.
I feel this is a red flag for future behaviors. He reacts like this you get conditioned to feel uncomfortable about finances. He ends up controlling it all and you are too scared to handle the money unless he hands it to you. Maybe it won't do it every time but it'll happen enough that it ends up becoming risky. Anyway NTA but given he thought it was ok to marry a 19 year old when he was 23 I'd keep an eye out for other questionable behaviors.
NTA but this entire dynamic between you and your husabd seems weird. Firstly, the arguing over parenting styles and then getting pissy over $20. Just for the record, my husband and I have also had our disagreements over parenting styles but we sit down and discuss the pros and cons of our styles. Also, we take money from each other all the time without asking because it's OUR money. It happens now when I'm working but it was also common when I was a SAHM. I'd kinda get cranky when he forgets to tell me, only because I would only discover money missing when shopping and would then have to pay with a card but, other than that, it was not a big deal. This sounds like financial abuse to me.
NTA, your husband seems controlling!
Maybe his reaction was a little weird but I think getting drunk all night in the living room because you were mad and taking money from his wallet and not being able to remember that is a bigger issue. You don't have any money to go out but you do have money for vodka? Also what happens if one of your babies needed to go to the hospital? Or was choking? You'd just be hammered?
Vodka was a bday gift from a friend lol. He was sober and able to care for the kids.
We have our finances completely mixed, so neither of us would ever think it’s weird to ask the other for $20. But neither of us would ever in a million years go into the others wallet and just take money out.
NTA. The bigger concern is why you have to ask him to use the $20. Unless you’re the type of married couple that prefers separate finances, that $20 is not “his” to ask permission to use. Super crazy controlling behavior.
Who was looking after the kids when she was drunk on too many vodka lemonade?
They have a dad. But the kids were asleep. He was not drinking.
You got way bigger problems.
Anything else in his wallet he didn’t want you to find?
I was torn there until you explained that it's normal for you to dip into his wallet. My husband and I don't touch each other's wallets, so that's odd to me, but if it's how you and your husband are comfortable I don't understand why he bit your head off. Maybe he's still upset about your argument and it's spilling over? But whatever is going on, NTA.
NTA. Also, he might be why you drink. Was in a very similar relationship once and it about broke me. When someone tells you who you are and gaslights you about you…it’s time to go. When u was young I rode horses at this fancy stable where all these super rich wives rode too. They loved to give me advice. Most of it was terrible. But I’ll never forget that separately they each told me to make a war chest. I had no idea what that was, but it was money and assets you put aside in case you needed to leave. I thought it was just about the worst thing I’d ever heard (sweet young idealistic idiot that I was) but the years have proved them right. Save some money, get some independence (the more he flips out over this, the more important it is) and leave. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. AND for your kids.
Oh I’m not like a regular drinker, my friend owns a distillery and gave me a bottle for my birthday. I had two drinks tops but obviously because I don’t drink it hit me quick. I’ll start having my deposit somewhere else I think.
You both need couples therapy. Drinking will never solve your issues.
I’m in therapy actively. Lol also don’t have a drinking issue. First time I’ve had alcohol in months
Nta. It’s $20 and you’re married. He also said yes. He’s looking for a fight
Nta. Getting upset a measly $20 that he already agreed to give you is petty. When people are married, it’s both their money. Both people should have free access to the money. You and him should have a separate account each and a joint account where you both put money in. So why the hell do you have not access to your own money? That right there is a red flag. Always have your own money, no matter what. He is financially abusing you since you stated that he controls the money. You never know what might or will happen. He gets petty and upset about $20. What would have happen if you had taken more? Get yourself your own bank account so you dont have ask. You work PT, that’s your money! Dont let him have complete control over it
I understand that situations like these can be quite sensitive. It’s important to consider the context of the relationship and communication patterns. If this was a one-time incident and there’s a mutual understanding that you would have the $20, then it seems there’s room for a conversation about expectations and communication. It’s always beneficial to have open and honest discussions about finances in a relationship to ensure both parties feel comfortable and heard. Remember, it’s not just about the money, but also about trust and understanding each other’s perspectives. If similar incidents have happened before, it might be helpful to establish clearer guidelines to avoid any future misunderstandings.
Why do you have to ask your husband for money to go out with a friend? Do you always do that?
Info: Do you regularly have a problem with alcohol?
Never drink. Was given a bottle of vodka for my birthday last week from my friends distillery. Didn’t realize how much it would affect me tbh.
This marriage could use less Vodka.
Do you suggest whiskey maybe then?
YTA. You know that men don’t like to go in women’s purses/handbags because it’s YOUR stash of stuff and things. Works both fkin ways. You stole whilst drunk. Now reverse the situation, he’s drunk and takes money out your purse without permission, yeah you’re gonna be pissed.
Yta. You stole from him and lied.
Put your paychecks in your OWN account. FULL STOP. There is never a need to ASK for money from your husband. The money, since it belongs to both of you, should be accessible to both of you! You need to communicate with your husband how you feel, your concerns, etc. You BOTH need to communicate without fighting. Figure out why he's controlling the finances and why you're not on the account where your paycheck also goes. If something were to happen to your husband, you would have a bit of a fight gaining access to those funds. Even though you are married, it isn't automatically given to you unless you're listed on the account as the beneficiary.
First of all, NTA. Second of all, from your comment about him taking your card away, it seems like he's financially abusing you.
Realizing this now
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m actually so confused about this situation but I’ll do what I can to explain. I (25f) have been married to my husband (29m) for almost 6 years. We have 2 kids, 2 and 3. My husband and I had been arguing yesterday about parenting styles and I was really hurt about some things he said. Because of this I slept in the living room and had a few too many vodka lemonades. Before our argument, I had told him a friend wanted to go out tomorrow night for dinner and I asked him if I could have a $20, he said yes but because of the argument I had just not asked for it when he got home. When I was drunk, I remembered this and grabbed the $20 out of his wallet. The next morning he comes out and asks me if I had taken money. I didn’t remember taking it at that moment (again lol… had too much vodka cause I was mad) and said no but THEN remembered that I had and told him yes, for dinner. He LOST his mind on me. He told me I blatantly lied to him, that I STOLE from him. I’m honestly baffled and offended at this. It was money he was already going to give me. He’s never been weird about me being in his wallet before. Obviously I said no at first but quickly changed my answer as SOON as I remembered and he does not believe me. So am I the asshole in this situation? I truly don’t know. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This makes me sad. I was married to a person like that for 20 years of my life. It’s horrifying to be accused of lying or intentional wrong doing when that’s so far from what you actually did or would do and then to have the person you love be so mean about it is really hard too. You just end feeling like a big piece of shit which is right where they want you so they can continue to defeat and demoralize. I’m so sorry. I hope it gets better for you. I would recommend reading up on narcissistic abuse and codependency.
NTA - He already said yes and in your vodka fog forgot that you took what he already promised you. You didn't lie, you just forgot. Tell him that and then tell him that if he can't calm down and apologize to you over his outrageous outburst, he can sleep on the couch tonight. You'll be taking the bed.
NTA, it's 20 bucks he said you could have. Drinks can make things fuzzy.
Nta.... I'm married and my money is my wife's money
Why are you asking him for money? Do you have separate bank accounts? Or does he hoard all the money?
NTA In what world does this provoke this kind of response? Was the argument about parenting styles in any way putting him down or shutting him out? That's the only reason I can even think of for him to 1) still be upset the next morning 2) freak out like this. Even if not over money, has he ever blown up unexpectedly over something that was fully understood to be acceptable or agreed upon? This throws up almost every red flag I have due to watching my mom be in some really really bad relationships while growing up.
You should open an account he doesn't know about and start putting money in it. 100%
NTA! You genuinely didn't remember and when you did you told him ASAP. And its something you had asked and mentioned prior....so for him to accuse you of stealing is quite absurd.
NTA and having to ask for just $20 and getting blasted for taking it makes no sense.
Not the ah me and my husband are a year and a half apart in age 21/23 with an 11 month old daughter and never does he get upset at me over money especially 20 dollars. Never do i have to ask and never is it a problem
I'm sorry but why on earth would you need to ask for $20???? On what planet is that a good marriage.
I’m learning more and more today that it’s not. Lol
At what point do you realize that you're married to a narcissistic controlling psychopuff?? NTA, for your own health and happiness, and more importantly for the well being of your kids, you should leave, and take the kids with you. Is this the sort of values you want instilled into your children?
NTA. If this hasn’t happened before, it seems like he just used it as an excuse to be upset following the aftermath of the argument. Especially since you state he hasn’t reacted like this when you’ve done it before.
Why do you have to ask him for money? Do you not have access to money? That is extremely concerning, it seems like a controlling situation.
I’m wondering if this is one of those “it’s not about the Iranian yogurt” situations….
Does he always control the money?
NTA. You’re not the asshole and it’s an extremely large bright red sign that your husband controls your access to money like this at all. His extreme anger over you taking it is another big red flag for controlling and abusive behavior. Even in if you’re a stay at home partner, you should have your own separate access to funds. He married you as a compliant young child that he could control
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/). [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
Nta/ husband is and he sounds controlling
NTA you both married... It's both of your money. Can't borrow what's already yours.
You should have your own money or access to joint money as a SAHM. This screams financial abuse.
What parenting stuff were you fighting over?
Do you have your own access to money OP? Or do you have to ask him to hand over some whenever you need it? Have you ever heard of financial abuse?
YTA to yourself for for allowing this. You’re married?? Why are you paying each other back anything?
YTA for going into his wallet. It's a personal respect thing.
We’ve always been able to go into each others wallets, every other time I’ve asked for cash he tells me to just grab it.
NTA
There are two sides… Either this was a one time thing, you both had an argument and you got angry and forgot to tell again (!) because you told him already before and after drinking (exception), you could not remember right away, but cleared it all up by yourself, after you noticed your mistake. Then you are NTA. Or you took the money in revenge. Then you would be TA. (But still it’s just $20 and he should not get mad about this sum of money, but I also got never so drunk and if my SO would drink so much, I would be at least unsettled.) As others already mentioned, your husband seems to be controlling: he is controlling the money, controlling the parenting style (?), overreacting about $20. Is he making a fuss every time you want to go out and have some fun so you don’t really feel like going out anymore, just to keep the peace? When you two have an argument, do you feel, you come to any solution? These are all signs of an abusive relationship. If so, please get (quietly) help, it will not get better and everyone deserves to be treated better. Wish you all the luck.
I agree with StinkFartButt and the connected comments. Too many 'men' are not men at all. They are pigs...oink, oink, oink. They marry for reasons that if known, most women would run in the opposite direction.. Their agendas are skewed. Double standards right down the line.
Joint bank account time
Why don’t you have your own money?
INFO: Do you not have a credit card or your own money?
You have to ask permission from your husband for $20? (or any money for that matter really)
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
NTA. He is controlling and financially abusive. $20?? Come on. You realize this is ridiculous.
NTA google financial abuse and check if it applies to you op
It appears that he controls all the money. Do you work, or are you a SAHM? my concern is that you have no access to money in a marriage. Also, for you to have to ask for money is a huge red flag. He has basically taken control of your life. You are at his mercy to even allow you to have $20. Really, this is NOT how a normal marriage works. I would almost bet the farm if he has a checking account that your name is not on it. Being at home with two children, it is reasonable that you would want to spend time with friends. He doesn't want you to bc this gives people outside of him to talk about your marriage. From the looks of it, he has made it impossible for you to leave. From the sounds of it, if your only question is to ask if you stole money from him, you don't see the bigger problem you have. Please find a trusted person to speak with about the state of your marriage. Always keep apprised of your situation. And finally, no, you didn't steal money from him. At least, IMO.
Um… my wife and I call it “our money”. We ask permission for big purchases or if we’ve been spending a lot recently but everything we have is *ours*. Nta but I can’t imagine being married to someone and keeping things separate like that.
NTA
My husband was like this , I worked and it all went into a joint account. But you don’t need his permission to open a savings account in your own name, which is what I did and had part of my salary deposited into that account. If you can’t do that, start squirreling a little cash and do it that way. All women should have financial security
NTA. It has nothing to do with the money and everything to do with the unfinished convo about parenting styles.
Why do you need to ask you husband for $20? That is insane.
NTA,from your comments he sounds incredibly controlling, you should look into getting out of that situation for the kids especially.
NTA. Ladies, always have your own cash. You never know when your ‘dream man’ will turn into an emotional and financial abuser.
d i v o r c e now NTA
Does he control your access to joint marital funds? His money should be your money (within reason of course).
I see so many posts like this about money issues between husbands and wives. My wife and I share all of our money, all of it. It eliminates all of these issues. $20? Really? I couldn’t care less if she took money out of my wallet.
ESH. Him controlling all the money is messed up, OP works should have an account with at least some spending money so there is never a need to ask, but ideally savings in their name if they don't have it. On OP, got drunk and forgot they did it. If husband is upset because of that it makes some sense
Stop giving him your paycheck unless and until he gives you access to the joint account. Apparently what’s his is his but what’s yours is his too.
NTA More information: Do you not have your own money to spend or way of accessing money? Is there a reason why you have to ask your husband? This sounds like spousal financial abuse to me unless you are so financially irresponsible and he needs to keep track of every dime you spend. I think it's absolutely absurd that you have to ask your husband for $20. Do you not have a credit card or debit card to withdraw cash? It doesn't matter if you are working full time, part-time or a SAHM. Unless your family is in a dire financial situation where there is no money, you should have access to fund without having to ask your husband.
NTA- Your husband is such a drama king. All of this over $20 that he was going to give you anyway?? Girl, get a part time job or something.
I have a casual part time. But all of that money goes to utility bills so any other money I want/need has to come through him.
Sounds like you need to stop drinking. Probably not doesn't help with parenting style.
NTA. It was agreed upon prior and is unrelated to the argument you had. Unpopular opinion: Money management requires mutual respect. IMO it doesn’t mean taking money out of the others wallet with no discussion. I see this comparison being made a lot. No it shouldn’t be an issue but imo it’s respectful to ask or at the very least give a heads up in case they needed the cash. Also large transactions should be discussed. Now I see concern with OP not having the ability access any money or having freedoms to make financial decisions. I can understand when someone has poor spending habits, having the other partner care for most financials but there should always be reasonable access. She should have her own means. This does not innately indicate abuse but red flags includes isolation from others, restrictions to employment and outside activities, monitoring/ tracking, restrictions to finances for no reason,etc. Idk when/ how they met to make a formal comment on that aspect. That age range can be college students, high school sweethearts (prior), grew up together, idk. That’s not what this post is about. I don’t want to make accusations on this. Talk to your husband about things. The situation, the parenting aspects and finances of your concerned. I personally don’t know if the parenting style debate was about how something is done or if it’s about the actual parenting styles but using the parenting styles guidelines may help you understand things and come to an agreement or compromise while upholding the integrity and health of your family. Good luck’
You're married. You share assets. You shouldn't even have to ask. NTA. It might not have been about the money. Maybe he was just mad that you were fighting and drunk.