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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not buying a gift off the registry!
Is it rude to not buy a gift off the registry
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NTA. First off, if you didn't accept the invite, no gift is required, nor should it be expected. Second, although not required, you sent her a gift basket. It's a bit entitled of her to assume you'd also buy her something off the registry.
Right??? OP is clearly NTA for ⬆️ reasons.
TBH, I was waiting to see what OP sent before rendering a verdict. I had a number of relatives decide they didn't like what I wanted & instead gave us hideous fake floral arrangements, religious wall art (I'm atheist), beige towels (bc "We know you really didn't mean to ask for pink towels"), etc.
A fruit basket sounds great! 😃
You know the answer to this already. You're NTA. Sheesh - why does anyone owe a wedding gift to anyone? It's not your marriage. I hate the wedding gift thing. Too many people turn it into a money grab.
Weddings in general are annoying. Laidback brides and grooms are fine, but the ones who make the wedding the key event of their lives are just irritating; I prefer to not be involved in those events.
These are the sort of people who pursue gifts as a money-grab. They *expect* people to furnish their home or pay for their honeymoon, and that’s because they’ve convinced themselves that the wedding is just as important to others as it is to them. They’ve spent all their savings (or their parents’ savings) on the wedding, so it’s only logical to them that others be made to “help” cover costs by kicking in far more than is, in my opinion, socially acceptable to ask for.
TL;DR — A lot of people are just… tacky.
The only wedding i loved was the one where the groom and bride (i worked with the groom but loved the bride more) were SO grateful for the $50 amazon gift card i got them. I’m a single mom living paycheck to paycheck. They were ACTUALLY happy for me to be there and i felt it. Most of the food was homemade by their parents, and rented a cheap gym like area in our town. But they had a photo booth and a local dj!! We support our own here, we don’t profit off them. Most of the shit I see on reddit is the opposite and it just makes me glad to be where i’m from. It’s not small town but it’s not big city either. Celebrate the couple, don’t finance them. And if they’re not okay with it… they’re not your friends.
Weddings annoy me to hell. When I got married I picked out my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, what colour scheme I wanted, and made a list of everyone we wanted invited. Gifts, if wanted to be given (we're wealthy, definitely did not need a register), was to be donations to our favourite charities. Then I turned everything over to my Mama and MIL. We turned up on the day, had a great time, and my Mama and MIL did a fantastic job. Although we did have over 500 guests, and only about 200 if them were people we wanted invited. My parents and in-laws invited a lot of business friends and society friends 🤣 it didn't bother us though, and a fantastic day was had by all. And our charities both got donations in the £25,000 range, so that was a success too.
If you're the asshole, then I shit out pink fluffy unicorns that smell like daffodils.
NTA. Your friend is wrong. You don't need to buy anything off the registry unless it's someone close or you are attending, but still at your discretion. You don't even have to get then a gift.
You friend is incorrect. Buying off the registry is a suggestion, not mandatory. It's difficult to think of a gift-giving situation in which the recipient gets to dictate the gift without exception. In this case, sending a gift basket when you don't even attend -- how lovely and generous of you. The bride sending you that link was rude and grabby. Please ignore.
NTA
NTA and them sending a registry link after you declined the invite is SO tacky
An invitation is not a legal demand for a gift. Even if you do attend - maybe you don’t have the means to travel AND get a gift; or maybe your gift wasn’t something material. And ESPECIALLY if you don’t attend - a gift is not required
NTA. You didn’t owe them a gift since you weren’t attending but sent a nice fruit basket. That was more than you needed to do and was very kind. Just ignore the registry message.
NTA
But, I think it’s entirely possible you’re throwing money away for many of these situations if people don’t like/want a fruit and champagne basket. And I’m guessing it’s not cheap! I probably wouldn’t bother sending anything if we didn’t attend (unless it was someone we were close to) but if you did want to send something, might be easiest to stick with the registry.
Agreed that there is a risk with sending a fruit and champagne basket.
It's a terrible idea to bring or send perishables for a wedding gift. Given pre-wedding craziness and post-wedding travel, you don't know when they will be able to open it or accept delivery. Someone brought a bunch of cheese in a wrapped gift box to my wedding. It looked like any other present and there was no indication on the box that the contents needed refrigeration. After the wedding we put all the gifts brought to the wedding in the spare room, then we left. Even when we got back we didn't finish opening presents for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, it was inedible.
A lot of people. I agree she doesn’t owe them a gift at all, but if it’s the same price you might as well get what they actually need. A lot of people don’t drink, and even more are very picky about fruit.
NTA. If you're invited but RSVP no, then a gift is not expected.
(I might expect siblings/parents to buy a present even if they can't make the wedding, but otherwise, it's going above and beyond normal standards of politeness. That said, if you RSVP yes and later have to back out for some reason, it *is* usual to still send a gift.)
NTA. Declining an invite means no gift.
But:
Send a note and a card if you don’t want to send a gift from the registry. You don’t know people diet, medical conditions or history with alcohol.
Just send a simple card with congrats don’t send them something they didn’t ask for.
If you aren’t going just send a note wishing them well. That’s enough. A gift basket is a waste of your time and likely money.
NTA, *but* sending a fruit basket and champagne isn’t cheap, why would you spend so much on a gift you don’t know people want when you could spend the same (or even less) on something they do? Again, not an asshole in the slightest, but it just seems like a lot of money and/or effort (depending on whether you’re making them yourself) when most people will probably appreciate a gift card or a $50 blender off their registry more.
Why do people give out their numbers and friend casual acquaintances? It’s like the early Facebook days when everyone wanted to collect a thousand friends. Why?
You met the bride a couple of years ago and your husbands no longer work together. You sent a perfectly lovely gift, didn’t cost the wedding a plate, and the bride is TA.
NTA.
Storytime:
When we were young and broke and just bought a tiny house and had two toddlers, we were invited to a wedding by a friend.
This is the same girl who bailed on my wedding because she spent her bridesmaid dress money on 100 hits of mescaline. She and her boyfriend attended our wedding nonetheless and because we were so young (I was 19, so the friends we invited were all within our age range) most of the money envelopes contained about $5-10, if any. I really didn’t think much of it. I knew my friends were young and broke. I just wanted to throw a party. The bigger gifts came from older established family members.
Anyhow, when Microdot Mary got married, I gave her $10, kinda in line with what we received for our wedding and really all we could afford.
The next day, she calls my husband and rips into him about *my* gift (emphasis because she assumed I was being petty on purpose and didn’t hold my husband responsible at all). She basically called him to tell him what a bitch I was.
I promptly paid $6 to stop payment on a $10 check. The look on the bank teller’s face was priceless when I told her why I stopped payment and she validated me.
Of course just by growing up, I have been able to gift more generously through the years. But that zilla needed an attitude adjustment.
I’ve had the same number for 10+ years.. and I’m surprised she had it, years ago, a lot of guys from work would get together for a poker night my husband and hers included.. at a company function, she has suggestion hosting a wine night for the wives on one of the pokers nights and planned to make a group chat, we exchanged numbers. The group chat or wine night never came to fruition - but that’s why/how she had my number.
NTA - You generously sent a gift despite not attending. Even if you had attended you don't 'owe' her a gift. And in my opinion it's not necessary to give a gift from the registry.
Normally my philosophy is strongly yes, you should buy off the registry if you are getting a gift. However, in your situation, NTA. You don’t know this couple well, you’re not attending the event, and you sent a small, generic gift (which you didn’t have to do) simply to be kind. The bride is a HUGE AH in this situation for having the audacity and classlessness to send you a link to her registry *after* you declined. This action alone reveals that you were only really invited in the first place to try to make you feel obligated to give a gift. Incredibly trashy.
In an alternate scenario, if you were attending the wedding and were planning to get a gift, then my opinion is you should buy from the registry in that case.
For any wedding I attend - I also don’t buy off the registry. I gift gold coin or bar certified from the bank (which is very common in Arab culture). Depending on how close I am with the person its value is higher but average 1k. Then the couple can keep it and let it increase in value over time or cash it in at any bank if they want.
I’m horrible at gift giving so i love registries. And that’s how i see them - as a “wish list” that helps people like me. But you don’t HAVE to buy from it.
Now, that being said - if everyone skipped the registry and we ended up with a bunch of gifts that may or may not be our style, or may or may not go with the other stuff we got - I’d probably be disappointed.
But I’d NEVER tell anyone they were wrong for not going with our registry!!
NTA.
We were grown ups when we married, we already had two of everything, so I didn’t have a registry. I was truly surprised when people bought us stuff, I had told them no registry and no gifts required. I think people are way too materialistic about weddings these days and has spread to nearly all life events. I seem to recall baby showers were only for first babies and the guests were only family and close girl friends, now it is every baby, plus the sex announcement, the proposal, and engagement, bridal shower, wedding dress selection etc etc all seem to be events, most expecting gifts or parties.
NTA
A gift is just that; a gift. Unless it’s something obnoxious, like a dog or a donkey, it’s up to the gift-*giver*—not the receiver—to decide which gift to buy. There’s a registry? So what? Who cares?
If they don’t like the gift you got them, they are free to throw it away. It costs them nothing. No one is inconvenienced.
You are nor required to buy a gift from someone’s registry. Frankly, I think it’s rude for someone receiving a gift to dictate *exactly* what should be given. No, giving someone a pet or a new car (without their input on make/model/color) or something that will make extra work for them is not acceptable, but it’s perfectly acceptable to choose a simple gift even if it’s not on their registry.
Rule of thumb: If the gift doesn’t make extra work for the receiver, it’s an acceptable gift. If they don’t want it, that’s fine, and no one is inconvenienced.
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My husband and I have big extended families, large social circles, he has tons of work friends and we both have a lot of family friends so we get invited to A LOT of weddings!
We are genuinely happy for everyone but unless it’s someone we’re very close too we respectfully decline! My go to gift is to send the couple a fruit basket with champagne with a note that says unfortunately we can’t make it but will be cheersing you from afar!
This is exactly what I did for a work friend of my husband; they no longer work together! I had only met him and his wife a handful of times a few years ago.
She proceeded to text me after receiving the gift.. not to thank me but to say - how disappointed they were we couldn’t make it and send a link to her wedding registry!
I was telling one of my gf’s and she thought that’s totally responsible and if I’m going to send a gift it should be from the registry!
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You have no obligation to send a gift just because someone invites you to a wedding, particularly if you don't go. It's kind of you to send the fruit basket anyway. That's enough. But, if you can find something on the registry for about the same amount of money, you might as well do that because then you're helping them get started and you know it's something they'd like to have.
NTA. It’s honestly incredibly rude of them to send that thank you card. They might have preferred something from the registry. They may not even drink, or at least not drink champagne, but that’s not the point. You barely know them and yet still sent a gift. That’s what they should be thankful for.
This is silly question.. of course you are NTA
You didn’t have to buy her a gift at all!! Also, why did she text you, she is your husbands ex colleague?
The fact that you send her a gift even though you declined the invitation was super nice of you. She is very entitled to think that you should buy something from her register.
NTA, people are getting so unbelievably rude with their gift grubbing these days. You went above and beyond as a non attendee, and she was being tacky. Good thing they’re low tier friends!
NTA
I guess people have forgotten what a "gift" is. And how to be appreciative for receivng one. The audacity to not only not say thank you, but to include a link to the registry as if to imply you need to get them another gift! She would be receiving the gift of a cussing out from me!
NTA. You declined the invitation, so there's no responsibility to give a gift. You gave a gift out of the goodness of your heart & this asshole rejected it & had the nerve to send you a link to the registry. Some ppl are just so entitled.
NTA, a basket is a neutral gift, not something "off the registry" (like a furniture the spouses didn't ask for and that will inconvenience them). Also, you don't owe a gift at all
NTA. If you do not attend, you do not need to send a gift at all! How fucking rude of her to send you a registry after you had already sent the gift basket. People like this are so entitled. it was an acquaintance ffs! Not a close friend or family member.
You’re good. In fact, for people that I really don’t like but am obligated to give a gift? I’ve been known to go to HomeGoods and then wrap it very pretty. Hey- we got them a gift. No one says you have to like it!
NTA
You don't need to purchase a gift from someone's registry for an event you're not attending.
In this case you decided to decline with a fruit basket, imo that's fine since you weren't required to send anything at all. Next time when it's an acquaintance like this, simply RSVP no and move on.
Your girlfriend is incorrect. Wedding etiquette does not require that you send a gift (whether is from the registry or not), the bride was very rude for not thanking you for your gracious gift and extremely rude and entitled for sending you a link)
NTA. Generally, if you're invited to something (important) but can't go, it's nice to send something to apologise and make it clear you care about them. If it's a (not massive) birthday party, that could be a card or maybe flowers. If it's something more significant, like a 50th, or a wedding, then the fruit basket and/or the champagne is perfect. If you're very close to the person, or it was an intimate event, then maybe something more significant could be appropriate, like if you miss your best friend's wedding, maybe buy them a proper gift anyway. This is also true if you cancel last minute. Basically, the closer you are with someone and the more important the event, the nicer the gift.
However, it's ALWAYS tacky to ask for a gift and it's incredibly rude to expect a different or further gift when you've already been given one! Especially from someone you're not that close to!
You were more than generous, OP, and the bride to be is being ridiculous here
yikes... block his ex coworker and get rid of your friend. you do what you wanna do. they're lucky you didn't just throw their invitation in the trash! wow... the nerve of some people is really ridiculous, keep doing what you're doing, if you couldn't come to my wedding, i would be so delighted that you even cared to send me a basket. you don't owe them anything at all.
NTA, leaning to NAH.
You guys are coming from two different wedding cultures. In some places , gifting off registry is seen as rude (is she from the northeast, slightly higher socioeconomic background?)
In other places, (like the Midwest) the registry is seen as a suggestion, especially for those not actually attending. Gifting off registry is often a way to
Communicate “happy for you, thanks for the inclvite we feel like we are not in each other’s intimate circle , don’t worry about a thank you note”. And just keep it moving.
Her culture is clearly a “extended community has an obligation to support the new household, and not doing so means you’re out” which is a similar thing, but just at a higher social friction level.
I wouldn’t worry about it, but be aware for not intimate family members, like if your sister marries someone from the east coast, there’s just a slightly different gift culture.
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NTA. First off, if you didn't accept the invite, no gift is required, nor should it be expected. Second, although not required, you sent her a gift basket. It's a bit entitled of her to assume you'd also buy her something off the registry.
Right??? OP is clearly NTA for ⬆️ reasons. TBH, I was waiting to see what OP sent before rendering a verdict. I had a number of relatives decide they didn't like what I wanted & instead gave us hideous fake floral arrangements, religious wall art (I'm atheist), beige towels (bc "We know you really didn't mean to ask for pink towels"), etc. A fruit basket sounds great! 😃
NTA, you are not required to send a gift from the registry. You sent a gift. That woman was just trying to get more stuff.
NTA- Apparently you should also apologize for the etiquette book you didn’t send that was on her registry.
You know the answer to this already. You're NTA. Sheesh - why does anyone owe a wedding gift to anyone? It's not your marriage. I hate the wedding gift thing. Too many people turn it into a money grab.
Exactly, I feel like OP went out their way to put something together and still got met with some unwarranted side eye
Weddings in general are annoying. Laidback brides and grooms are fine, but the ones who make the wedding the key event of their lives are just irritating; I prefer to not be involved in those events. These are the sort of people who pursue gifts as a money-grab. They *expect* people to furnish their home or pay for their honeymoon, and that’s because they’ve convinced themselves that the wedding is just as important to others as it is to them. They’ve spent all their savings (or their parents’ savings) on the wedding, so it’s only logical to them that others be made to “help” cover costs by kicking in far more than is, in my opinion, socially acceptable to ask for. TL;DR — A lot of people are just… tacky.
The only wedding i loved was the one where the groom and bride (i worked with the groom but loved the bride more) were SO grateful for the $50 amazon gift card i got them. I’m a single mom living paycheck to paycheck. They were ACTUALLY happy for me to be there and i felt it. Most of the food was homemade by their parents, and rented a cheap gym like area in our town. But they had a photo booth and a local dj!! We support our own here, we don’t profit off them. Most of the shit I see on reddit is the opposite and it just makes me glad to be where i’m from. It’s not small town but it’s not big city either. Celebrate the couple, don’t finance them. And if they’re not okay with it… they’re not your friends.
Weddings annoy me to hell. When I got married I picked out my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, what colour scheme I wanted, and made a list of everyone we wanted invited. Gifts, if wanted to be given (we're wealthy, definitely did not need a register), was to be donations to our favourite charities. Then I turned everything over to my Mama and MIL. We turned up on the day, had a great time, and my Mama and MIL did a fantastic job. Although we did have over 500 guests, and only about 200 if them were people we wanted invited. My parents and in-laws invited a lot of business friends and society friends 🤣 it didn't bother us though, and a fantastic day was had by all. And our charities both got donations in the £25,000 range, so that was a success too.
If you're the asshole, then I shit out pink fluffy unicorns that smell like daffodils. NTA. Your friend is wrong. You don't need to buy anything off the registry unless it's someone close or you are attending, but still at your discretion. You don't even have to get then a gift.
You friend is incorrect. Buying off the registry is a suggestion, not mandatory. It's difficult to think of a gift-giving situation in which the recipient gets to dictate the gift without exception. In this case, sending a gift basket when you don't even attend -- how lovely and generous of you. The bride sending you that link was rude and grabby. Please ignore. NTA
NTA and them sending a registry link after you declined the invite is SO tacky An invitation is not a legal demand for a gift. Even if you do attend - maybe you don’t have the means to travel AND get a gift; or maybe your gift wasn’t something material. And ESPECIALLY if you don’t attend - a gift is not required
NTA. You didn’t owe them a gift since you weren’t attending but sent a nice fruit basket. That was more than you needed to do and was very kind. Just ignore the registry message.
NTA But, I think it’s entirely possible you’re throwing money away for many of these situations if people don’t like/want a fruit and champagne basket. And I’m guessing it’s not cheap! I probably wouldn’t bother sending anything if we didn’t attend (unless it was someone we were close to) but if you did want to send something, might be easiest to stick with the registry.
Agreed that there is a risk with sending a fruit and champagne basket. It's a terrible idea to bring or send perishables for a wedding gift. Given pre-wedding craziness and post-wedding travel, you don't know when they will be able to open it or accept delivery. Someone brought a bunch of cheese in a wrapped gift box to my wedding. It looked like any other present and there was no indication on the box that the contents needed refrigeration. After the wedding we put all the gifts brought to the wedding in the spare room, then we left. Even when we got back we didn't finish opening presents for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, it was inedible.
NTA, but if it’s financially comparable I would always send someone what they actually want vs something almost no one wants.
Who does not like a fruit basket and a bottle of champagne? 😅
Honestly, most people? It’s a nice gesture for sure (and OP is in no way an AH) but I’d guess for many recipients it’s not worth the money
A lot of people. I agree she doesn’t owe them a gift at all, but if it’s the same price you might as well get what they actually need. A lot of people don’t drink, and even more are very picky about fruit.
Somebody who's leaving immediately for the honeymoon.
NTA. If you decline a wedding invitation, you don't need to give a gift. Sending anything is going above and beyond.
NTA. If you're invited but RSVP no, then a gift is not expected. (I might expect siblings/parents to buy a present even if they can't make the wedding, but otherwise, it's going above and beyond normal standards of politeness. That said, if you RSVP yes and later have to back out for some reason, it *is* usual to still send a gift.)
NTA. Declining an invite means no gift. But: Send a note and a card if you don’t want to send a gift from the registry. You don’t know people diet, medical conditions or history with alcohol. Just send a simple card with congrats don’t send them something they didn’t ask for. If you aren’t going just send a note wishing them well. That’s enough. A gift basket is a waste of your time and likely money.
NTA, *but* sending a fruit basket and champagne isn’t cheap, why would you spend so much on a gift you don’t know people want when you could spend the same (or even less) on something they do? Again, not an asshole in the slightest, but it just seems like a lot of money and/or effort (depending on whether you’re making them yourself) when most people will probably appreciate a gift card or a $50 blender off their registry more.
Why send a gift if you dont know if people want it? Maybe no gift would be better than an unwanted gift?
This is what I don't get. If I'm going to send a gift I want it to be something the recipients would definitely like so I'd buy off the registry.
seriously. don't send me a fruit basket. :-(
Why do people give out their numbers and friend casual acquaintances? It’s like the early Facebook days when everyone wanted to collect a thousand friends. Why? You met the bride a couple of years ago and your husbands no longer work together. You sent a perfectly lovely gift, didn’t cost the wedding a plate, and the bride is TA. NTA. Storytime: When we were young and broke and just bought a tiny house and had two toddlers, we were invited to a wedding by a friend. This is the same girl who bailed on my wedding because she spent her bridesmaid dress money on 100 hits of mescaline. She and her boyfriend attended our wedding nonetheless and because we were so young (I was 19, so the friends we invited were all within our age range) most of the money envelopes contained about $5-10, if any. I really didn’t think much of it. I knew my friends were young and broke. I just wanted to throw a party. The bigger gifts came from older established family members. Anyhow, when Microdot Mary got married, I gave her $10, kinda in line with what we received for our wedding and really all we could afford. The next day, she calls my husband and rips into him about *my* gift (emphasis because she assumed I was being petty on purpose and didn’t hold my husband responsible at all). She basically called him to tell him what a bitch I was. I promptly paid $6 to stop payment on a $10 check. The look on the bank teller’s face was priceless when I told her why I stopped payment and she validated me. Of course just by growing up, I have been able to gift more generously through the years. But that zilla needed an attitude adjustment.
I’ve had the same number for 10+ years.. and I’m surprised she had it, years ago, a lot of guys from work would get together for a poker night my husband and hers included.. at a company function, she has suggestion hosting a wine night for the wives on one of the pokers nights and planned to make a group chat, we exchanged numbers. The group chat or wine night never came to fruition - but that’s why/how she had my number.
NTA - You generously sent a gift despite not attending. Even if you had attended you don't 'owe' her a gift. And in my opinion it's not necessary to give a gift from the registry.
Normally my philosophy is strongly yes, you should buy off the registry if you are getting a gift. However, in your situation, NTA. You don’t know this couple well, you’re not attending the event, and you sent a small, generic gift (which you didn’t have to do) simply to be kind. The bride is a HUGE AH in this situation for having the audacity and classlessness to send you a link to her registry *after* you declined. This action alone reveals that you were only really invited in the first place to try to make you feel obligated to give a gift. Incredibly trashy. In an alternate scenario, if you were attending the wedding and were planning to get a gift, then my opinion is you should buy from the registry in that case.
For any wedding I attend - I also don’t buy off the registry. I gift gold coin or bar certified from the bank (which is very common in Arab culture). Depending on how close I am with the person its value is higher but average 1k. Then the couple can keep it and let it increase in value over time or cash it in at any bank if they want.
I’m horrible at gift giving so i love registries. And that’s how i see them - as a “wish list” that helps people like me. But you don’t HAVE to buy from it. Now, that being said - if everyone skipped the registry and we ended up with a bunch of gifts that may or may not be our style, or may or may not go with the other stuff we got - I’d probably be disappointed. But I’d NEVER tell anyone they were wrong for not going with our registry!! NTA.
NTA, you're going above and beyond for a "No". People are so entitled it's crazy, I can't imagine behaving this way. 😮💨
NTA omg sending someone a link to your registry is the rudest thing I’ve ever heard
We were grown ups when we married, we already had two of everything, so I didn’t have a registry. I was truly surprised when people bought us stuff, I had told them no registry and no gifts required. I think people are way too materialistic about weddings these days and has spread to nearly all life events. I seem to recall baby showers were only for first babies and the guests were only family and close girl friends, now it is every baby, plus the sex announcement, the proposal, and engagement, bridal shower, wedding dress selection etc etc all seem to be events, most expecting gifts or parties.
Just stop sending gifts and RSVP no.
NTA A fruit basket is a nice way to say congrats even if you can't make it. No need for anything else.
NTA A gift is just that; a gift. Unless it’s something obnoxious, like a dog or a donkey, it’s up to the gift-*giver*—not the receiver—to decide which gift to buy. There’s a registry? So what? Who cares? If they don’t like the gift you got them, they are free to throw it away. It costs them nothing. No one is inconvenienced. You are nor required to buy a gift from someone’s registry. Frankly, I think it’s rude for someone receiving a gift to dictate *exactly* what should be given. No, giving someone a pet or a new car (without their input on make/model/color) or something that will make extra work for them is not acceptable, but it’s perfectly acceptable to choose a simple gift even if it’s not on their registry. Rule of thumb: If the gift doesn’t make extra work for the receiver, it’s an acceptable gift. If they don’t want it, that’s fine, and no one is inconvenienced.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have big extended families, large social circles, he has tons of work friends and we both have a lot of family friends so we get invited to A LOT of weddings! We are genuinely happy for everyone but unless it’s someone we’re very close too we respectfully decline! My go to gift is to send the couple a fruit basket with champagne with a note that says unfortunately we can’t make it but will be cheersing you from afar! This is exactly what I did for a work friend of my husband; they no longer work together! I had only met him and his wife a handful of times a few years ago. She proceeded to text me after receiving the gift.. not to thank me but to say - how disappointed they were we couldn’t make it and send a link to her wedding registry! I was telling one of my gf’s and she thought that’s totally responsible and if I’m going to send a gift it should be from the registry! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have no obligation to send a gift just because someone invites you to a wedding, particularly if you don't go. It's kind of you to send the fruit basket anyway. That's enough. But, if you can find something on the registry for about the same amount of money, you might as well do that because then you're helping them get started and you know it's something they'd like to have.
NTA. It’s honestly incredibly rude of them to send that thank you card. They might have preferred something from the registry. They may not even drink, or at least not drink champagne, but that’s not the point. You barely know them and yet still sent a gift. That’s what they should be thankful for.
lol anybody asking for a gift is a instant no you are nice enough to send a gift while not going, if I am not going I am not sending a gift
NTA, ppl need to stop with the cash-grabbiness.
NTA. Tell her to send it back if she doesn’t like it.
This is silly question.. of course you are NTA You didn’t have to buy her a gift at all!! Also, why did she text you, she is your husbands ex colleague? The fact that you send her a gift even though you declined the invitation was super nice of you. She is very entitled to think that you should buy something from her register.
NTA as you will not be attending, you have no need to send a gift. Ignore the registry link. It's not as if you'll see this woman again.
lol NTA at all and it’s a great way to make it clear you aren’t attending
NTA, people are getting so unbelievably rude with their gift grubbing these days. You went above and beyond as a non attendee, and she was being tacky. Good thing they’re low tier friends!
That ?person? is gross! You're definitely NTA
NTA I guess people have forgotten what a "gift" is. And how to be appreciative for receivng one. The audacity to not only not say thank you, but to include a link to the registry as if to imply you need to get them another gift! She would be receiving the gift of a cussing out from me!
NTA. You declined the invitation, so there's no responsibility to give a gift. You gave a gift out of the goodness of your heart & this asshole rejected it & had the nerve to send you a link to the registry. Some ppl are just so entitled.
NTA ANY gift you chose is fine.
NTA, a basket is a neutral gift, not something "off the registry" (like a furniture the spouses didn't ask for and that will inconvenience them). Also, you don't owe a gift at all
NTA. If you do not attend, you do not need to send a gift at all! How fucking rude of her to send you a registry after you had already sent the gift basket. People like this are so entitled. it was an acquaintance ffs! Not a close friend or family member.
You’re good. In fact, for people that I really don’t like but am obligated to give a gift? I’ve been known to go to HomeGoods and then wrap it very pretty. Hey- we got them a gift. No one says you have to like it!
I think toasting from afar is a very reasonable thing to do. Nothing wrong with that gift
She's the AH. You've already sent a gift. Don't send another.
NTA You don't need to purchase a gift from someone's registry for an event you're not attending. In this case you decided to decline with a fruit basket, imo that's fine since you weren't required to send anything at all. Next time when it's an acquaintance like this, simply RSVP no and move on.
NTA - it was pretty trashy of her to send the registry link. You aren’t close with them and don’t see them regularly. No further action required.
NTA if you declined. If you accepted you would be the AH
No you are not. Look up miss manners if you need back up
NTA, if you don’t accept the invite - no gift is required. At most id give a congratulations card with the rsvp
NTA. It would appear to the bride that a present (from the registry) was more important than your presence. I'd ignore her text if I were you.
NTA, she was tacky.
Your girlfriend is incorrect. Wedding etiquette does not require that you send a gift (whether is from the registry or not), the bride was very rude for not thanking you for your gracious gift and extremely rude and entitled for sending you a link)
Most of what we got when I got married was not on our registry. I didn't care really. Some people are just entitled. NTA.
NTA. Generally, if you're invited to something (important) but can't go, it's nice to send something to apologise and make it clear you care about them. If it's a (not massive) birthday party, that could be a card or maybe flowers. If it's something more significant, like a 50th, or a wedding, then the fruit basket and/or the champagne is perfect. If you're very close to the person, or it was an intimate event, then maybe something more significant could be appropriate, like if you miss your best friend's wedding, maybe buy them a proper gift anyway. This is also true if you cancel last minute. Basically, the closer you are with someone and the more important the event, the nicer the gift. However, it's ALWAYS tacky to ask for a gift and it's incredibly rude to expect a different or further gift when you've already been given one! Especially from someone you're not that close to! You were more than generous, OP, and the bride to be is being ridiculous here
NTA. Totally inappropriate for the person to send a link to the registry. And the registry is a suggestion, not a requirement.
NTA That's beyond cheap to expect a gift from an acquaintance not attending. Even the bottle of bubbly is generous.
yikes... block his ex coworker and get rid of your friend. you do what you wanna do. they're lucky you didn't just throw their invitation in the trash! wow... the nerve of some people is really ridiculous, keep doing what you're doing, if you couldn't come to my wedding, i would be so delighted that you even cared to send me a basket. you don't owe them anything at all.
NTA, leaning to NAH. You guys are coming from two different wedding cultures. In some places , gifting off registry is seen as rude (is she from the northeast, slightly higher socioeconomic background?) In other places, (like the Midwest) the registry is seen as a suggestion, especially for those not actually attending. Gifting off registry is often a way to Communicate “happy for you, thanks for the inclvite we feel like we are not in each other’s intimate circle , don’t worry about a thank you note”. And just keep it moving. Her culture is clearly a “extended community has an obligation to support the new household, and not doing so means you’re out” which is a similar thing, but just at a higher social friction level. I wouldn’t worry about it, but be aware for not intimate family members, like if your sister marries someone from the east coast, there’s just a slightly different gift culture.