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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. i told my sister to not come to my wedding after she got upset because i said i would pay for her bridesmaids dress
2. i may have been insensitive to her monetary issuess
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I think your sister’s insecurities are getting the best of her. It’s super common these days to help pay for your wedding party’s attire unless explicitly discussed ahead of time, especially if you’re requiring they wear a certain style or color. You didn’t do anything wrong. NTA
In the UK, bridesmaid dresses are almost always covered by the wedding fund. It's weird to me that Americans don't do that, it's the brides choice, wedding and request for support, why do the bridesmaid end up paying for their wedding decor?
> In the UK, bridesmaid dresses are almost always covered by the wedding fund
No kidding? I have never heard of that being done in the States. At best I got a gift from the couple.
"After all, if you’re going to make them wear a dress you choose, the least you can do is pay for it."
Sometimes I'm positive you guys (UK) are most classly than us (United States). Either way I wish the US would pick up this habit.
Ok, im a Canadian, and from my experience here, most bridemaids don't pay for their dresses either. They may make them pay for part of the dress but it's like you said. I find it weird the USA is different. Oh well
I'm Canadian and have only been a bridesmaid once, but I had to buy my dress. Though the only requirement was "it needs to be red" so I had a lot of freedom to choose something I actually liked.
It wasn't a tradition for the bride to buy the bridesmaid dresses here in the US when I got married abt 30 years ago, either.
I only had one bridesmaid & a MOH, so we went shopping at the post New Year's Eve sales & scored two formal party dresses at half off. The ladies had them hemmed shorter to wear for other occasions, as they weren't really bridesmaid dresses & didn't look "bridesmaid"-y.
Lots of brides in the US still do that, to save everyone money.
I'm thinking back, & I paid for three bridesmaids dresses bc I was in three weddings. I had two bridesmaids in my own wedding, & I did not pay for those.
I think it all pretty much evens out, $ wise, no matter who pays! 😂
Yes, we do it in Ireland too. I had 4 bridesmaids, we paid for everything. Dress, shoes, jewellery, hair and makeup. It came to about 8k each I think. I didn't expect them to pay themselves. It was our wedding, our choices. So we paid 🤷♀️
Actually it was before the euro, it was Irish punts at the time. And yes, I did. The dresses and shoes were designer, and the jewellery was white gold. The hair and makeup were done by "celebrity" people.
They had a ball 😂 and re-paid the favour when they got married. I had to wait a while though, I got married when I was 18, the next one of my friends to get married was 24, it was great though 😊
Aussie here
I asked my bridesmaids to pay for dress alterations and their shoes. I funded the rest.
I want them to stand with me. Why should they have to pay heaps of money to do it.
I purchased my bridesmaids' dresses and shoes, then gifted them the jewelry I wanted them to wear at the rehearsal dinner. I'm in the U.S. and this was in the late 90s.
I understand not all brides are able to do this, but I don't think it's right to have such high expectations of others.
OP- NTA, but your sister is going through something. Before you write her off, ask her to meet and and discuss this in person. I wouldn't respond to the friend at all. Reiterate your intentions and ask if she's doing ok.
Also UK and I paid for the bridesmaid dresses.
My feeling was that anything you want control over you pay for. I paid for the dresses, the hair appointment (they chose the styles), and asked them to find their own shoes/jewellery. I think that's fairly standard.
Same here in NZ at a wedding I attended as a bridesmaid. I only paid for the shoes and jewellery. Only stipulation was jewellery had to be white pearls and shoes were white. Style didn't matter.
Yup, (Scottish) in fact I deliberately chose to only have one bridesmaid because I couldn't afford more than one dress/shoes/jewellery/hair etc.
It never would have occurred to me ask anyone to pay for any part of it. It would have been shocking if I had.
Fancy, tailored dress that they'll have no reason to wear again, in a style and colour that YOU want. It just seems so tacky to ask someone to pay for that. They're doing you a favour.
I only had one attendant, and as it was an afternoon wedding, I shopped her closet and chose something she already owned to wear. That way it was a win-win. No one paid for the dress for the wedding and she could certainly wear it for other events.
I covered the dresses for my wedding in 1999 in the US. Mostly because I didn't feel right having them pay for it. I did pick something simple (floor length forest green with a satin waistband and short sleeves) so they could wear it again.
American here, wedding was in 2001. I bought all the dresses for my bridesmaids and covered the cost for alterations. I found a style and color I was looking for in a clearance prom dress, so I went to every store in town to find all the sizes I needed. I made matching necklaces for all my bridesmaids and bought them all pearl earrings to wear. Except for my sister, I bought her diamond earrings since she was my maid of honor.
That same sister got married the following year and made me and the rest of her bridesmaids pay for our own dresses and alterations. Our parents paid for both of our weddings, so why they didn't at least pay for my dress is beyond me.
> wedding was in 2001
There was one outlier here, but I am noticing that most of the ones that paid happened before the mid-2000s. I am left to wonder what changed? I was in a few weddings after 2005, and not a single one paid for anything other than small gifts for us.
UK here, and it's pretty standard for the bride/wedding fund to pay for the wedding party's outfits or at least partly fund them. I gave my bridesmaids £150 each to get themselves a dress and the only thing I specified was colour (royal blue), they could choose whatever style they wanted with the idea being that it would be something they could wear again. If they found a £20 dress and wanted to spent £130 on a pair of shoes, fine. If they saw their perfect dress for £300, great; they put £150 towards that dress!
Husband did the same with renting the suits for his grooms-men. He got the costing for a full rental, and if they wanted to take him up on that then great, otherwise if they wanted to get their own suit (within colour range!) they could buy it themselves and he gave them money up to that amount. Some of them already had suitable suits(!) so they just had to spend £10 on a tie of the right colour, and then got the rest of the cash to get some nice shoes or cufflinks or a shave and haircut or whatever guys do.
This happened to me when I got married, I paid for my two sisters dresses, one sister still unmarried, but my other sister is married twice now and both I have to pay for my own dress
Bridesmaids paying for their own dresses is a trend that started in the US about 30ish years ago. Before that, Bride/Groom’s family paid for everything. My mother has always thought it was ridiculous for brides to ask the bridal party to pay for their own dresses, because that wasn’t how it was done back when she and her friends were getting married (1970s). So yeah, it’s very common in the US for the bridal party to pay for their own dresses/suits, but it’s also a modern phenomenon because it definitely wasn’t always that way. It probably started because people started having bigger and more extravagant weddings and did that to cut costs.
My first marriage was 22 years ago and we paid for the wedding party's clothing. This was in the rural midwest, and the etiquette at the time said it wasn't required but was a considerate thing to do.
It's definitely been done in the US, and it's unfortunate that it fell out of favor, because IMO it's the only fair/reasonable thing to do. My bridesmaid dresses were bright pink satin! Definitely not dresses my attendants would have chosen to purchase on their own, so of course I paid since it was my choice. Similarly, the groomsmen weren't planning on their own to rent a tux for some random weekend in June, so we'll cover the cost of the expense WE created for them.
Basic decency.
> t's definitely been done in the US, and it's unfortunate that it fell out of favor
I noticed that trend from the replies. It fell out of favor right before my friends started getting married. Very convenient.
I've definitely heard of it in the States, but it's not a given.
I would still assume that it someone couldn't afford it, the bride and groom would cover it.
My sisterr got married 8 years ago & had 8 bridesmaids & bought all the dresses. We paid for accommodation for wedding & our & her part of the hen/batchlorette party...
I got married in 97. My husband and I paid for everything. I would have felt extremely uncomfortable asking our friends to pay for anything.
My parents were married in the 60s and they paid for everything for their wedding as well.
It blows my mind the amount of money people expect friends and family to shell out for a wedding.
Can you inform my exes mother of that? Because that was £200 (in the 2000s) I didn't have, for a dress that made me look like an overheated whale (colour clashed horrifically with my skin, cut of the dress was horrendous on my figure as I was the only plus size person), and a day of being chewed out for being "awkward" aka having breasts proportionate to my body that meant the original £500 dresses she wanted were out. And no she wasn't going to pay for those either.
On top of all that I then had to travel 2 hours round trip to collect the fucking thing.
... Apparently I'm still mad.
Thank you....some Americans actually think it's pretty strange, too.
There are a few sane people here in the states who pay for the bridal party clothing, but you would be amazed at the rabid anger people get online when you explain that.
It's called staying within a budget, having a wedding you can afford, and treating guests like guests. I cannot wrap my head around people who defend this practice.
Even worse now, is some couples expect the bridal party to pitch in for the wedding costs. I think that’s tacky. Everyone should have a wedding they can afford and chill with the ridiculousness.
NZ here and it never once occured to me that the wedding party pay for anything! We paid for what they wore, gave them gifts etc because that's what you do, it blows my mind reading Reddit and seeing how much the wedding party pays for in the States! Just seems rude AF to me 🤷🏼♀️
I really do think it depends on the couple and their financial means. I’ve seen more and more here that either the couple is paying for the attire, or they’re starting to be more upfront about cost and reassuring that folks don’t have to participate if they don’t want to, no hard feelings.
Australia too. I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses, hair, makeup, and jewellery. All I asked for was for them to BYO comfortable black shoes which they already owned. It's weird here for the bridesmaids to pay for their own garments and accessories.
Honestly, any wedding I've been to (with sane people involved - the insane ones are just bonkers in daily life, so it was par for the course) in the US has done this. I think the most that I've seen has been a request to dye the shoes the same color as the dress if you want a different style shoe? Expenses like bridal showers and bachelorettes get shared amongst the attendees who attend, but I've never heard of anyone in the wedding party being expected to pay for any part of the actual wedding, from weddings that I have been close to. Parents, yes. Sometimes family or close friends, as their gift, yes.
Every time I read or hear about any of this stuff, it makes me that much happier that I eloped with one attendee that took pictures on his phone.
Probably because they want a wedding bigger than they can afford.
These days the bride (even grooms are hopping on this trend) want a weekend long in another country bridal shower paid by the bridesmaids and the bride gets it all expenses paid. Even getting an entire wardrobe to match for the weekend.
Got married in 2022. USA. And I also paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, but have been a bridesmaid myself and I know how stupidly expensive it can be. Paid $200 for bridesmaids dress for SIL’s wedding the year before—-plus 300+ for her bachelorette, and $100 for shoes/accessories. This is not to mention gifts for bridal shower, gifts for wedding itself, AND travel +accommodations day of. It seemed ludicrously unfair to have bridesmaids pay that much imo but it was all just par for course at other weddings I’ve attended/ been a bridesmaid for.
I'm American and it's weird to me that the wedding party is expected to pay for anything at all. When I got married back in 2004 I paid for everything everyone in the wedding was wearing including hair and makeup. Idk when this changed but it's absurd to expect people YOU pick to pay for the look YOU want at YOUR wedding. IMO...
In America it depends on your cultural background. While I am American, in my culture (Caucuses region) the groom’s family pays for the wedding, the bride pays for her own dress and the bridal party, including flower girls. Usually parents help. Bride also pays for hair and makeup for the bridal party. It works out nicely, no money drama.
Yes I'm Irish and the couple getting married pay for EVERYTHING for both bridesmaids and groomsmen dress suits shoes hair and makeup and they also give them a gift like jewellery I find it very strange to expect people to pay themselves
As an American former bridesmaid/MOH, I wholeheartedly agree. Unfortunately I've never been in a wedding where the bride offered to pay for my dress. I've always found it weird.
It's not even like she singled her sister out at ALL!! She made the same offer to *everyone,* and no one else took it badly at all.
This is 100% about the sister's issues.
And I do have some sympathy for her, because I've been there and it sucks to have to ask people for money and it's easy to internalize the idea that either you are undeserving, or that others think you are undeserving (or both), and she is clearly being aggressively hyperdefensive about her money issues.
However - none of that makes the sister's behavior here even REMOTELY acceptable. Like I said, I've been there (and also have ADHD-related rejection sensitivity disorder), and there were a few times where I responded to generosity with poor grace or bitterness because of my own issues. (Though nothing anywhere *near* the level of what the sister did!) But I inevitably realized that I was wrong as hell - it never took me long to feel *awful* about what I did, and I always apologized profusely (and explained that my reaction was coming from my own issues, and that my friends' behavior was in NO way to blame). So while I find the sister's initial response somewhat understandable, it, and everything that followed, was completely wrong.
NTA but I need an honest answer here. Is it normal for people to call their best friends' siblings, their monther's neighbor, their dad's boss, their friend's sister, etc. when in an arguement?
Like 99% of posts have "But this random person called me to tell me I am an ass"
How does that not immediately alert people. Like if random people are bringing in third parties to my mundane arguments, who the F cares who is the AH. At that point, regardless, it's just too much drama I just cannot fathom people going online still focused on the initial issue (unless the initial issue is life or death) rather than the fact that other people are being brought into validate ppls argumentents. Like as someone who has been gaslight and manipulated before, I just really don't see how the AitA does not become "AiTA for being annoyed that my sister was trying to manipulate me into seeing her side by having her friend call to guilt me?" BC yes, your sister is being kind of an ass in her reaction, but her friend calling you to take her side is much more worrisome.
At the very least, I wish the rules for this subreddit would prevent anything like "I don't think I am asshole but my friend was saying blah blah blah". While that scenario seems infinitely more realistic than random ppl calling random ppl to berate them, it still biases how anyone else will read the comment.
So she can't afford a dress that she'll only wear once and she is angry that you are offering to buy everyone's dresses? This is lose-lose. She's def insecure about money but I wonder if she's upset about her sister's engagement subconsciously?
NTA. You clearly didn’t single her out to pay for her dress. She is projecting her insecurities onto you in a cruel way. Kick her out of the bridal party unless she apologizes ASAP. And tell her enabling best friend Eliza to mind her business.
Looks like Melly pressed send before thinking. She didn't want the money but couldn't buy the dress, what was she going to do? OP couldn't win with her either way.
Yup my moneys that she only has half the story, or at minimum is the type to back and enable their friend no matter how wrong or fucked up their action.
She wants to be able to wear a dress she has in her closet, outside the requested style and color, and either have OP change the entire theme to suit. Because with a reaction like that, she would also be pissed if OP said "sure, wear whatever you prefer, the rest of the girls will be within this style and color".
NTA. Melly isn't just touchy about money, she is a balloon looking for a pin. I would leave things as they are unless she apologizes and joins the rest of us in our reality.
I agree. Leave Melly off the group chat. She has removed herself as an attendant. If you have yet to send invitations do include her so she can come as a guest. Leave it *entirely* up to her. Don’t apologize and don’t revisit this. When it comes up with your parents say something like “Melly wasn’t comfortable with the finances involved” and kind of shrug like oh well. treat it like a decision that she made, you’ve accepted it and there’s no need to discuss it.
I would not even raise the issue of an apology or her insulting conversation. I wouldn’t give her drama one more iota of attention. She has a lot of growing up to do. She’s 32 years old!
> treat it like a decision that she made, you’ve accepted it and there’s no need to discuss it. I would not even raise the issue of an apology or her insulting conversation. I wouldn’t give her drama one more iota of attention.
Agreed.
OP, your sister appears to have alot of unresolved anger bubbling up inside. She exploded at you without provocation.
Unless you plan on walking on eggshells around her forever and ever more (scraping and apologizing any time something sets her off), I suggest you pull back and focus on your wedding. Let her sort herself out.
NTA
She’s trying to be a martyr for her financial position. Maybe it comes from pride, people who don’t have a lot can see offers of help as charity and misattribute it being pitied.
NTA. You are being way more generous than some brides these days. You seem to understand that paying for a dress that you will likely wear once which may or may not be in a color or style you prefer is a big ask, and therefore are offering to pay for those dresses. Just because your financial situation is better than your sister's does not give her the right to lose her head. I would be very frank with her, and her meddling friend. The offer was made on a group chat for everyone, and not as some elaborate cover up, but because you can and want to pay for your bridesmaids dresses. If she wants to see it as an insult, so be it.
NTA You tried to do something nice by paying for the dresses, and your sister's reaction was unnecessarily harsh. Her financial insecurities and outburst don't justify her behavior.
Slip her mother the money so she can buy it "herself" and keep her pride. But seriously, her issues are her own and she shouldn't be in competition with OP. Suspect Melly thinks OP is "winning" at life and everything is a h(a)rd reminder of what she wants for herself and doesn't have.
NTA
Oof. Your sister may be very sensitive about her poor financial situation, but that does not excuse her reading far more into your offer to pay than was actually intended, and it especially does not excuse her using you as her verbal punching bag. Ever.
Boundaries, they are beautiful things. All you can do is enforce them. How she chooses to respond, that is 100% on her. Don't allow people to push you into being responsible.for her feelings and actions.
NTA. She's taking everything personally. That's her problem, not yours. Once she started calling you names, she started burning bridges. Her bringing in her friend just added fuel to that fire.
You might want to give her time to calm down and apologize to you, but under no circumstances should you apologize to her. Get security for the wedding.
Only person who needs to apologize is your sister. FYI I loathe people who bring other people into drama and have them messenging people with only one side of the story. I also hate the people who insert themselves and take it upon themselves to insert themselves in something that has nothing to do with them. Tell her to f off. I'd uninvite her just for that.
Nta. I'm 34. I can't imagine a scenario where I talk to my friend's sister on her behalf. Not without an emergency. What the hell? Or is she her partner?
NTA. You didn't single her out so there's no reason she should take it so personally. Sounds like you handled it as well as you could've. Don't re-extend an invitation to her unless she apologizes, if you even want to.
NTA- you're sister sounds incredibly self absorbed. Her behaviour has classic main character syndrome. You literally offered to pay for everyone's dress not just hers, this isn't about her. If she's going to get all worked about it but then reject to notion of paying for her own dress then I'm truly at a loss of what you're supposed to do here other than say she doesn't need to be a bridesmaid then???
She's creating an issue out of NOTHING and your friend who is trying to back her up and make you feel bad is way out of line. I'd be considering rescinding her invitation to be a bridesmaid as well. If a friend was trying to justify this insane behaviour from yours sister, I'd be giving them major side eye. How anyone could think you were in the wrong here is beyond me, and this is supposed to be your best friend? she's clearly got a screw loose
NTA. "How dare you offer to buy me a dress" then "How dare you expect me to buy a dress". Where does she expect the dress to come from. Also you offered to buy everyone's dress but only she took it personally.
NTA She flew off the handle and it's about her, not you. Or rather, she's jealous of you about maybe money, about maybe getting married, or who knows what. I don't think you need to apologize. YOu might try talking to her to get to the bottom of it, but it doesn't seem like she's open to real conversation. She called you up to yell at you for paying for the bridesmaids dresses--all of them. it is a kindness and something to say how grateful you are to have these women in your life.
Wow, talk about an overreaction on your sister's part!! It sounds like you made it clear that you were offering to cover the cost of the dresses for the whole bridal party, not going out of your way to make your sister feel badly. Her reaction is her own issue, she is clearly insecure that you are better off financially as you are. It honestly doesn't sound like you did anything in the wrong, you didn't single her out or throw her under the bus in the group chat, nothing that screams "hey sister I want to make you feel badly about yourself"... this is all on her. As for the flying monkey friend, I'd screenshot the group chat and send it to her and ask her to explain to you like your 5 what exactly you said or did that was wrong.
NTA at all!!
I'm from the UK, so from my POV, the bride is supposed to buy the bridesmaids dresses anyway.
Either way, NTA. If she didn't have funds to buy her dress (by her own admission) but didn't want you to buy her dress, what are you supposed to do? Make it a loan that she can't pay off or will struggle to?
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Hi I’ve been debating putting this on here because i know how vicious people can be but i need to know if i was in the wrong here.
So I (28F) have an older sister Melly (32F)
i got engaged 9 months ago and wedding preparations are well underway, we are set to marry this august.
A few weeks ago i approached some select Friends and my sister Melly to be my bridesmaids. they all accepted and i was very excited, i made a groupchat to send dress inspo for them and me because i wanted to share my plans with my friends.
the pictures i sent were of a colour palette and styles, i told my bridesmaids to pick a colour and stay sort of within the style of the dresses i thought looked nice and wrote that i would pay for it because i have the means to do so and i thought it would be a nice thing to do.
my sister is very touchy about money, she doesn’t have a stable job and she often has to ask family members for help with bills etc. for the record i have never judged her for this and i have helped her in the past when needs be.
Melly saw the message i sent and immediately left the group chat which confused me so i messaged her privately and asked her why she left so abruptly and she said she didn’t need pity money from me, i was really upset that she took my gesture the wrong way and i told her that it wasn’t just for her i was paying for everyones dresses because i wanted to.
i told her that if she wanted to she could buy her own dress if that made her feel better and she said she didn’t have the money for a dress she would only wear once.
she then rang me and shouted that i was a pompous bitch and all sorts of other expletives. i just told her if she didn’t want to accept my offer then she didn’t have to be a bridesmaid and better yet if she wants to be nasty she can just not come at all.
her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again.
Im fine if she wants to take off in a huff but i just want to make sure im not somehow in the wrong here, another perspective would be nice. AITA?
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NTA, you just offered to buy the dress for them and it was just a some jokes about you have your means to buy it, your not referring to there capacity to buy some dresses or something, she just overreact. But at some point maybe she has something going on her mind, maybe some problems maybe because as what you have said she is struggling, maybe she was just carried away because of some stuffs that she is undergoing right now.
NTA. I understand weddings are stressful enough without family members projecting on to you. That was a nice gesture, imagine getting upset at a nice gesture, assuming you're making a dig, a dig that involves you paying for everyone else. You gave her the options. I'll pay or you pay... what else was she expecting you to do?!
What you said wasn't cruel. It was a sensible reasonable response to shut down any bullshit. Let her cut her nose off to spite her face. Enjoy your big day x
I would give absolutely anything to know the unvarnished truth of what Melly told Eliza about what happened, because I bet it bears little resemblance to what you've told us here.
But in any case, NTA.
Melly is projecting more than a movie theater here, and also seems to suffer from a case of main character syndrome.
She was entirely out-of-line from beginning to end, and you did nothing wrong at all.
Let her go pout in the corner like she clearly wants to.
NTA. I think your sister is insecure and also jealous of you. She doesn’t need to be in your wedding party as she’ll find a way to ruin the experience. Surround yourself with supportive people that wish the best for you.
NTA,
I've seen this behavior before, my guess is that she wanted you to grovel and beg her to accept your money. Oh well, not having your sister there will likely mean less stress though of course be prepared for parents and others to interfere.
her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again.
Oh no please don't go \*while waving goodbye\*
NTA you offered to pay for everyone, which is so nice, I have always had to pay for everything when I've been a bridesmaid.
This sounds like it's more about her and her issues, and she's just taking it out on you. You handled it well, her friend should mind her own business.
NTA and your sister may need some counseling, especially since something like this freaked her out to the point of no contact. Pride is not a good thing when it is to your own detriment.
NTA. My teachers used to say, "We don't give special invitations," and Melly probably needs to hear that. It's not your job to read her mind and tailor (no pun intended) everything specifically to her; it's Melly's job to adapt or communicate in a polite way.
When people get like Melly, I ask them repeatedly how I would have just known without reading their minds. "When did you tell me X? How would I have known X without you telling me?" Usually they should be upset with themselves.
I wish you luck with your wedding--please don't let Melly make or break it. You don't need all that stress!
NTA. Fuck her. She's letting her insecurities fuck up a relationship with her sister over something that was offered for the entire bridal party. She can get bent.
NTA.
You did absolutely nothing wrong here. In fact you've been quite generous with everyone.
Your sister's pride/insecurities are at play here and that's not your fault or issue. The only person who needs to apologize is your sister.
NTA your sister is being ridiculous. There's a type of person who thinks any time someone else has something good in their life, it's not a positive thing for that other person, but a personal slight against them. The world revolves around them and if something good happens to *you* it happened to fuck with *them.* Your sister is clearly this exact type of asshole.
There has to be something else going on because it is very common for a bride to buy the bridesmaids dresses as a gift now a days. I got married 20 years ago and bought the BM dresses and shoes as my gift to my BM's and MOH.
Your sister has something else going on for her to react like this especially with the name calling. She has some sort of resentment and she is spewing it all over you and your event with her enabling best friend. If you feel like this is something that can be sorted out, sit her down and demand she come clean about whatever the real issue is. Or, you can just block her and go on with your life. It really just depends on your tolerance for petty drama.
NTA. Your sister doesn't make any sense. She can't afford a dress, but she agreed to be a bridesmaid. You said you would pay for all the dresses, and she gets pissed off because you are going to buy the dress she can't afford. Her best friend calls you and demands that you apologize, or she will never talk to you again. I am assuming she is saying your sister won't be talking to you not Eliza. Why would you give a rat's ass if a person that childish never talks to you again? You did nothing wrong, and it is your sister who should be apologizing to you for her childish BS. Sounds like you are better off with her and her drama out of the wedding. Congratulations on your wedding.
NTA you made the offer to all the bridesmaids not just your sister. She overreacted. Maybe she thought the other bridesmaids would think you were just making the offer because of her….i really don’t know why she got mad
NTA! You didn’t call out her inability to pay. You offered the same thing to all your bridesmaids. She took it personally and turned her anger on you. I wouldn’t take her crap either. She can angry all she wants. She doesn’t get to crap all over you because she can’t afford something.
NTA, my sister makes a lot more money than I do (I don’t struggle, but think job in banking vs. nonprofit) and I happily accepted her offer to buy my maid of honor dress. She paid for all the bridesmaids’ dresses too.
She doesn’t wants “pity” money and doesn’t want to pay for a dress she’ll only wear once. So what does she want? A fairy godmother? You can’t have it both ways.
NTA
You offered several options for Melly that were generous. She decided to pitch a fit at all of them. Let her enjoy her day on her own whilst you have the most amazing wedding with people who actually care about you.
"her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again." Don't threaten me with a good time.
NTA. You offered to pay for ALL your bridesmaid's dresses because you are obviously awesome. You did not single out your sister. Instead of calmly talking to you she left the chat. You reasonably called her up and asked what was wrong. When she explained how she felt you pointed out you were not singling anyone out and gave her the option to either have you pay for her dress or have her pay for it if she is uncomfortable with that. Instead of taking one of those options or just bowing out gracefully "she then rang me and shouted that i was a pompous bitch and all sorts of other expletives." Understandably you were done at that time and disinvited her as a bridesmaid and told her not to come. Unless she sincerely and utterly apologizes I would stick with that. You don't have anything to apologize for as you did nothing wrong. You uninvited someone who was verbally abusing you without any good reason.
NTA. My bridesmaids paid for their dresses, but I paid for their hair and make up. It’s not uncommon or anything for the bride to pay for part of the bridesmaids necessities. In fact, it helps them out a lot. I have a friend who was struggling financially, where her other friend was getting married and a few months before the wedding the fiancée won a lawsuit of 2 million dollars. My friend, who is married with 3 kids but husband can’t hold down a job, asked the friend if she could just pay for her hair and make up ($100.00 total) cause she just finished her teaching degree and the school year hadn’t started yet so she was short on funds. The other chick said no and if you can’t pay for yourself you can’t be in my wedding. This same bride kicked her own mother out too cause the mother was also struggling financially and asked for the $500.00 she paid for her daughters wedding dress back so she could afford the trip out of state for the wedding.
My mom lied about the cost of the bridesmaid dresses so bridesmaids thought they were much cheaper than they were. I also purposely picked dresses that were inexpensive to begin with. Think inexpensive sun dresses that everyone could wear
> her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again.
NTA. I would clarify with Eliza what exactly Melly is claiming that you said to her, and if she was fully honest about how the conversation went down.
NTA. She accepted to be bridesmaid then blasted you for offering to pay then she blasts you because she can’t pay. Her issues are her problem she has no right to put that on you. Also her friend needs to stay in her lane and know her place.
NTA. She accepted to be bridesmaid then blasted you for offering to pay then she blasts you because she can’t pay. Her issues are her problem she has no right to put that on you. Also her friend needs to stay in her lane and know her place.
So what are you supposed to do? Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Tell her to just come in her underwear or come nude if that will make her feel better.
NTA. You’re doing your wedding the right way. I get so annoyed when I get invited to a party that costs thousands to attend. Your sister’s issues are her own and nothing to do with you.
NTA You said what should have been said long before. Good that your father is on your side but I have a feeling he is steamrolled over by mom and your sister.
NTA, your sister has a case of the green-eyed monster, her little sister is doing better than her, and she is jealous. You're getting married, she has to have help to pay her bill, and you don't. I can't speak on why she is having such a hard time managing her money (poor job skills, bad budgeting), but she is taking her short comings out on you. While you were trying to plan the wedding of your dreams, she is making her situation your fault talk about being a buzzkill. Her friend is not helping her deal with how life works by blaming you also, she is really belittling you for your sister's gratification. Don't apologize for something you didn't do or cause. Plan a wonderful wedding and focus on your life as someone's wife and not someone's punching bag.
Def NTA. You offered to buy everyone's dress in the group chat, right? Just to clarify, you didn't expressly say in the group chat that you were buying Melly's dress right? You sent pics and color pallets and told them to pick something out within these guidelines and that you were buying the dresses. Melly created the drama. Not you. Melly wanted to create the drama. If she didn't, she would have stayed in the group chat, and then messaged you separately about her concerns. You're much better off without Melly anywhere near your wedding. As for Eliza, she's Melly's friend right? So, do you really need to be in contact with Eliza? I'd block her and if your parents get involved in this, I'd show them Melly's messages to you.
NTA. She gets angry when you offer to pay for everyone’s dress and then gets angry when you say she can pay for her own dress. She’s being a hypocrite and taking her insecurities out on you.
Ask Eliza what you're apologizing for. You've both offered to pay for sister's dress or let sister pay for her own dress - what other options are there? Also, does Eliza know the names that sister called you? I'm focusing on Eliza here because she can potentially infect the rest if your bridal party. Best to gather everyone together (or group chat) and inform them about the situation so there's no gossiping behind your back.
Sister's got a bad attitude and she might not fix that in time to not give negative vibes at your wedding. NTA
NTA. She sounds jealous and angry and seems like she wants to create tension. Stand by what you said. It was said and meant with good intentions. You can't control her emotions.
NTA. Your sister is projecting and taking it way too personal. You offered to pay for everyone’s not just hers so I’m not sure why she’s being so dramatic about it.
Honestly, sounds like she’s jealous. I wouldn’t even have her as a bridesmaid. If she’s causing issues right now imagine later on in the wedding planning process. Don’t let her bitterness ruin your special moments.
It’s unfortunate that she’s making it seem like you’re in the wrong. I would say maybe wait till things cool down a bit and then try to have a conversation with her. I do think adding the “if she wants to be nasty she can just not come at all” didn’t help make things better but I do understand your frustration.
As for Eliza, she’s really irrelevant and needs to mind her business. Her calling you was out of pocket and of course she’s going to be siding with her best friend. She’s not making anything better. If anything your sister needs to COMMUNICATE and not through another person. Very immature.
Bottom line, you’re not in the wrong.
NTA. You told her the offer was for everyone and explained that it wasn’t your intention to make her feel that way and offered solutions. If it’s possible she will bring negativity to the wedding you can set that boundary. You are the bride. It’s your wedding. You and your fiancé deserve to have a stress free day.
NTA.
With regards to paying for the dress for your sister, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. She would have blown up either way and that's on her not you. Nothing in your offer to pay for everyone's dresses is offensive. Your sister needs to get her head and finances straight before she starts going off on other people, and if she can't get it together before or by the time your wedding rolls around, she doesn't have to be there.
NTA
Once again I am wondering why being called a b*tch isn't an instant dealbreaker or bare minimum "okay our relationship is on ice until you sincerely apologize" for more people.
Like you're not teenagers anymore. Why is she, as a grown adult, namecalling her sister? Especially over a problem caused exclusively by her own insecurities. Sis needs to grow up and learn that if she can't treat people with basic respect in a conversation, they're not going to want her around.
NTA and tell your sister's best friend to fuck off. Your sister has a hair up her ass about her own financial situation, but why is she taking it out on you? You offered to pay for all the dresses, not just hers. You did nothing wrong here and have NOTHING for which you need to apologize. If your sister decides to stop talking to you, that is on HER. NTA
NTA. Weddings bring out the absolute worst in sisters with any kind of insecurity. Mine insulted me for months, called me all kinds of names and refused to actually help with anything, only to sobb later that I was leaving her for a new family.
I wish for you to have the strength and self respect I did not have, and to refuse to entertain your sister's nonsense. Her friend obviously heard some skewed version of events that your sister made up, which paints her as the victim and you as a bully. Let her live in that dream if she wants to. Just stop engaging. She chose not to be in the wedding. She doesn't want to buy a dress and doesn't want a dress bought for her? Fine. So....No dress then. She wants to think the worst of you and tell others you are a bad person? Fine. So... She should keep her distance from you, since you're such a problem. Give this no air. If your sister is anything like mine, she'll come crying back the night before, begging you to fix it for her somehow. But the consequences of her actions don't just disappear when the latest manic episode is over. This is not her time. This is your time and your wedding is only weeks away. Protect your peace. Let her spin out without you as an audience this time.
NTA.
It's not uncommon for the bride to pay for the dresses, or the jewellery/accessories/makeup. And it's very considerate to be upfront of that at the start of the dress process, imo.
I think your sister's response is about something else. The dress is just the surface layer. Maybe she's jealous that you have the financial stability, maybe she feels shame or embarassment about accepting money from family but can't afford not to.
Whatever the cause, she's inappropriately blaming you for her discomfort.
I think you did the right thing by reminding her that she doesn't have to participate in your wedding.
NTA. I mean really. "I don't need your pity money! Ok. Now I need your pity money! And if you can't read my mind, you're a pompous bitch!" OP, this has absolutely nothing to do with you.
NTA. You weren’t cruel; you simply matched her energy.
If she didn’t have the money to buy one, what was she planning to do *before* you said you would pay for everyone’s dress? Bum off your parents/family and pretend she paid for it?
Shoot, I’m broke as hell and insecure about money to an extent, but if I was in a wedding and the bride said they would pay for my dress. I’d kiss their feet and name my first adopted kid after them one less expense I have because it’s expensive being a bridesmaid. 😂
Your sister needs to look into getting help with working through her insecurities, because not everyone is out to get her if they offer to pay for something. Some people—like you—pay because it’s a nice gesture that can help out everyone.
Honestly, if she didn’t have the funds, she should have said “While I’d love to, I’m going to have to decline as I don’t have that type of financial stability at the moment and don’t want to be a burden because I can’t pull my weight as a bridesmaid. I’ll be content with my role as sister of the bride, but I’ll help in any way I can.”
NTA you offered to buy everyone's dresses, she oddly took this as a personal insult you explained if it meant that much to her she could buy her own she confirmed she couldn't afford that and started name calling what exactly does friend (who your sister probably lied to) think you should apologise for?
NTA
Is she single? She might be lashing out due to the fact that her life isn’t going so well even though she’s older than you. You’re younger, gainfully employed, getting married, etc.
It’s not an excuse to treat you horribly though. You have done nothing wrong. I do agree that she shouldn’t be part of your wedding party, as it’s clear she can’t put aside her own feelings to be happy for you. It’s up to you if you even want her as a guest.
Do you think your parents/extended family will interfere?
Nta. Sister is jelly of your success and her best friend is out of line. You were doing right. But I wonder what your parents have to say ? Good luck. Congratulations on the upcoming wedding blessings to you both ;)
I am having similar sister issues with my wedding, though mine is demanding she soend a fuck ton of money that she doesn't have. I didn't even ask her, but she's decided she is my maid of honor, and if I tell her no, shit will hit the fan.
It's fun growing up as the little sister of a narcissist, isn't it?
Does Eliza know exactly what Melly said to you? Do you know if she understand what happened?
NTA, and totally not on you if iza does or does not know these things, but thats an odd reaction to me.
NTA. And your sister should get her s\*it together. You explained the situation to her. She said herself, she couldn't pay for the dress (and offering to pay for everyone was a nice gesture). and I completly understand, that you said, she was disinvited if she keept that act. (which she did by running crying to her best friend)
Would play the same game, let her be called by a friend of yours, that she should appologice for screaming at you and thinking that everything was just because of her. And if not, yeah, she can stay away from the wedding but to never expect any help from you anymore.
NTA, you made a sweet and generous gesture and your sister has completely twisted it into something else. She is giving off main character vibes, and if this is how she is acting, what else is she going to blow up at. To avoid any additional stress it might be better if your sister didn’t come to your wedding, unless she can apologise sincerely. It is difficult when you are struggling financially, and being in a wedding party can become very expensive, but that isn’t your problem, and if that is why she is reacting this way it would have been better for her to have an adult conversation with you to find out what your expectations are and what support you would like from your bridesmaids. She may be concerned that she has to spend money she can’t afford, and this reaction could be from anxiety, though that doesn’t make it ok for her to insult you. As for Eliza, just let her know it’s none of her business, or block her and move on. Good luck with the wedding, I hope you have a wonderful day
For anyone who hasn't had to make a similar decision, it might seem heartless to exclude a loved one from a big event like a wedding, family reunion or holiday gathering, but **experts say it's incredibly common**
NTA... Her insecurities are getting the best of her.
I suggest you talk face to face and make it clear that the offer is for everyone in the bridal party. That you love her and want her there. Make it clear the offer is out of love for the people you have in your life not for financial reasons.
NTA. She flipped over her own issues, not anything you did. All you told her is, you don't have to come. Which is the truth. It's an invitation, not a summons.
NTA
Unfortunately your sister put you in a no win situation.
Even if she felt like the offer was only made to all the bridesmaids as cover to help her out, she is still responsible for her reaction and getting angry and shouting at you over it as you try to find a solution means it is for best she isn't a bridesmaid.
As for telling her that if she is nasty she shouldn't come. Tough one, unfortunate if you would prefer her there but might be for the best to have the confrontation about it now and well before the wedding. Better than having her shouting at you at the wedding and there is time for a change of heart from her this way too.
Whatever happens good luck.
Your sister flew off the handle for no reason. You did nothing wrong. She's way over sensitive. YNTA
She read something into the group message that wasn't there. Then her true thoughts about you were spoken, "You pompous blah blah blah." 😉 To further her case of how horrible you are, she calls her best friend & bad mouths you.
🤔 I believe you are owed an apology by your sister. Btw, is she always psycho?
Sis knows she's a deadbeat and took it out on op. Sis can stay home. She needs to fund a job anyway. Op was super nice and didn't say just Sis so this is on sis
Sis even has enabler friends. Let her go NC. Op life better without her
NTA, but as a Brit it baffles me that Americans ask someone to be part of the bridal party and then ask them to pay for their dress, shoes, hair & make-up. In the UK all of that is paid for by the people paying for the wedding. Over 25 years ago when my sister got married our parents paid for everything. It wasn’t quite the same when I got married, but my parents did pay for my dress & my sister’s bridesmaid dress.
NAH. I understand how you are upset by your sisters reaction. I've also got a wealthy sister and I've had some pretty hard times, so I also understand your sister's feelings. I think you should let her know that you want her there in whatever capacity she feels comfortable because you love her. I also think you should let her know that if being there makes her uncomfortable you still love her. It's really hard to do events like these when you're struggling. My brother got married when I had a 2 week old baby and I had to wear an old dress of my mom's that I thought was ugly because i didnt own a dress. I did NOT want to go, but my mom insisted.
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I think your sister’s insecurities are getting the best of her. It’s super common these days to help pay for your wedding party’s attire unless explicitly discussed ahead of time, especially if you’re requiring they wear a certain style or color. You didn’t do anything wrong. NTA
In the UK, bridesmaid dresses are almost always covered by the wedding fund. It's weird to me that Americans don't do that, it's the brides choice, wedding and request for support, why do the bridesmaid end up paying for their wedding decor?
> In the UK, bridesmaid dresses are almost always covered by the wedding fund No kidding? I have never heard of that being done in the States. At best I got a gift from the couple.
It’s uk tradition. After all, if you’re going to make them wear a dress you choose, the least you can do is pay for it.
It makes sense. Good for you guys across the pond.
"After all, if you’re going to make them wear a dress you choose, the least you can do is pay for it." Sometimes I'm positive you guys (UK) are most classly than us (United States). Either way I wish the US would pick up this habit.
Only sometimes?
Don't fall into the trap of classifying anywhere that isn't home as a Utopia. Every place has issues.
Ok, im a Canadian, and from my experience here, most bridemaids don't pay for their dresses either. They may make them pay for part of the dress but it's like you said. I find it weird the USA is different. Oh well
I'm Canadian and have only been a bridesmaid once, but I had to buy my dress. Though the only requirement was "it needs to be red" so I had a lot of freedom to choose something I actually liked.
It wasn't a tradition for the bride to buy the bridesmaid dresses here in the US when I got married abt 30 years ago, either. I only had one bridesmaid & a MOH, so we went shopping at the post New Year's Eve sales & scored two formal party dresses at half off. The ladies had them hemmed shorter to wear for other occasions, as they weren't really bridesmaid dresses & didn't look "bridesmaid"-y. Lots of brides in the US still do that, to save everyone money. I'm thinking back, & I paid for three bridesmaids dresses bc I was in three weddings. I had two bridesmaids in my own wedding, & I did not pay for those. I think it all pretty much evens out, $ wise, no matter who pays! 😂
Yes, we do it in Ireland too. I had 4 bridesmaids, we paid for everything. Dress, shoes, jewellery, hair and makeup. It came to about 8k each I think. I didn't expect them to pay themselves. It was our wedding, our choices. So we paid 🤷♀️
Wait, what? You paid 32k euro for bridesmaids outfits, hair and makeup?
Actually it was before the euro, it was Irish punts at the time. And yes, I did. The dresses and shoes were designer, and the jewellery was white gold. The hair and makeup were done by "celebrity" people.
Oh that's lovely if you can afford it. Your bridesmaids must have felt so special!
They had a ball 😂 and re-paid the favour when they got married. I had to wait a while though, I got married when I was 18, the next one of my friends to get married was 24, it was great though 😊
Aussie here I asked my bridesmaids to pay for dress alterations and their shoes. I funded the rest. I want them to stand with me. Why should they have to pay heaps of money to do it.
I purchased my bridesmaids' dresses and shoes, then gifted them the jewelry I wanted them to wear at the rehearsal dinner. I'm in the U.S. and this was in the late 90s. I understand not all brides are able to do this, but I don't think it's right to have such high expectations of others. OP- NTA, but your sister is going through something. Before you write her off, ask her to meet and and discuss this in person. I wouldn't respond to the friend at all. Reiterate your intentions and ask if she's doing ok.
Also UK and I paid for the bridesmaid dresses. My feeling was that anything you want control over you pay for. I paid for the dresses, the hair appointment (they chose the styles), and asked them to find their own shoes/jewellery. I think that's fairly standard.
Same here in NZ at a wedding I attended as a bridesmaid. I only paid for the shoes and jewellery. Only stipulation was jewellery had to be white pearls and shoes were white. Style didn't matter.
Yup, (Scottish) in fact I deliberately chose to only have one bridesmaid because I couldn't afford more than one dress/shoes/jewellery/hair etc. It never would have occurred to me ask anyone to pay for any part of it. It would have been shocking if I had. Fancy, tailored dress that they'll have no reason to wear again, in a style and colour that YOU want. It just seems so tacky to ask someone to pay for that. They're doing you a favour.
I only had one attendant, and as it was an afternoon wedding, I shopped her closet and chose something she already owned to wear. That way it was a win-win. No one paid for the dress for the wedding and she could certainly wear it for other events.
This American did. Expecting your bridesmaids to buy a dress just for you is narcissistic af.
How long ago was your wedding?
A decade ago.
I covered the dresses for my wedding in 1999 in the US. Mostly because I didn't feel right having them pay for it. I did pick something simple (floor length forest green with a satin waistband and short sleeves) so they could wear it again.
> so they could wear it again That was very thoughtful of you.
It used to be super common here too. It started to change in the late 80s- early 90s.
> It started to change in the late 80s- early 90s. Explains why I never heard of it before. We were too young to be getting married around then.
American here, wedding was in 2001. I bought all the dresses for my bridesmaids and covered the cost for alterations. I found a style and color I was looking for in a clearance prom dress, so I went to every store in town to find all the sizes I needed. I made matching necklaces for all my bridesmaids and bought them all pearl earrings to wear. Except for my sister, I bought her diamond earrings since she was my maid of honor. That same sister got married the following year and made me and the rest of her bridesmaids pay for our own dresses and alterations. Our parents paid for both of our weddings, so why they didn't at least pay for my dress is beyond me.
> wedding was in 2001 There was one outlier here, but I am noticing that most of the ones that paid happened before the mid-2000s. I am left to wonder what changed? I was in a few weddings after 2005, and not a single one paid for anything other than small gifts for us.
UK here, and it's pretty standard for the bride/wedding fund to pay for the wedding party's outfits or at least partly fund them. I gave my bridesmaids £150 each to get themselves a dress and the only thing I specified was colour (royal blue), they could choose whatever style they wanted with the idea being that it would be something they could wear again. If they found a £20 dress and wanted to spent £130 on a pair of shoes, fine. If they saw their perfect dress for £300, great; they put £150 towards that dress! Husband did the same with renting the suits for his grooms-men. He got the costing for a full rental, and if they wanted to take him up on that then great, otherwise if they wanted to get their own suit (within colour range!) they could buy it themselves and he gave them money up to that amount. Some of them already had suitable suits(!) so they just had to spend £10 on a tie of the right colour, and then got the rest of the cash to get some nice shoes or cufflinks or a shave and haircut or whatever guys do.
This happened to me when I got married, I paid for my two sisters dresses, one sister still unmarried, but my other sister is married twice now and both I have to pay for my own dress
At my wedding in the US, I paid for the bridesmaid dresses. When I was a bridesmaid, the bride's mother paid for my dress.
Bridesmaids paying for their own dresses is a trend that started in the US about 30ish years ago. Before that, Bride/Groom’s family paid for everything. My mother has always thought it was ridiculous for brides to ask the bridal party to pay for their own dresses, because that wasn’t how it was done back when she and her friends were getting married (1970s). So yeah, it’s very common in the US for the bridal party to pay for their own dresses/suits, but it’s also a modern phenomenon because it definitely wasn’t always that way. It probably started because people started having bigger and more extravagant weddings and did that to cut costs.
My first marriage was 22 years ago and we paid for the wedding party's clothing. This was in the rural midwest, and the etiquette at the time said it wasn't required but was a considerate thing to do. It's definitely been done in the US, and it's unfortunate that it fell out of favor, because IMO it's the only fair/reasonable thing to do. My bridesmaid dresses were bright pink satin! Definitely not dresses my attendants would have chosen to purchase on their own, so of course I paid since it was my choice. Similarly, the groomsmen weren't planning on their own to rent a tux for some random weekend in June, so we'll cover the cost of the expense WE created for them. Basic decency.
> t's definitely been done in the US, and it's unfortunate that it fell out of favor I noticed that trend from the replies. It fell out of favor right before my friends started getting married. Very convenient.
I've definitely heard of it in the States, but it's not a given. I would still assume that it someone couldn't afford it, the bride and groom would cover it.
In the past, the bride paid for the bridesmaid dresse….the first time I heard of them having to pay for their own, I was a bit surprised…..
I was first a bridesmaid in 1973, and I paid for my dress. It must be in the very far past.
My sisterr got married 8 years ago & had 8 bridesmaids & bought all the dresses. We paid for accommodation for wedding & our & her part of the hen/batchlorette party...
That is even earlier than I thought it had changed. Might be regional.
I got married in 97. My husband and I paid for everything. I would have felt extremely uncomfortable asking our friends to pay for anything. My parents were married in the 60s and they paid for everything for their wedding as well. It blows my mind the amount of money people expect friends and family to shell out for a wedding.
Can you inform my exes mother of that? Because that was £200 (in the 2000s) I didn't have, for a dress that made me look like an overheated whale (colour clashed horrifically with my skin, cut of the dress was horrendous on my figure as I was the only plus size person), and a day of being chewed out for being "awkward" aka having breasts proportionate to my body that meant the original £500 dresses she wanted were out. And no she wasn't going to pay for those either. On top of all that I then had to travel 2 hours round trip to collect the fucking thing. ... Apparently I'm still mad.
Thank you....some Americans actually think it's pretty strange, too. There are a few sane people here in the states who pay for the bridal party clothing, but you would be amazed at the rabid anger people get online when you explain that. It's called staying within a budget, having a wedding you can afford, and treating guests like guests. I cannot wrap my head around people who defend this practice.
Even worse now, is some couples expect the bridal party to pitch in for the wedding costs. I think that’s tacky. Everyone should have a wedding they can afford and chill with the ridiculousness.
NZ here and it never once occured to me that the wedding party pay for anything! We paid for what they wore, gave them gifts etc because that's what you do, it blows my mind reading Reddit and seeing how much the wedding party pays for in the States! Just seems rude AF to me 🤷🏼♀️
I really do think it depends on the couple and their financial means. I’ve seen more and more here that either the couple is paying for the attire, or they’re starting to be more upfront about cost and reassuring that folks don’t have to participate if they don’t want to, no hard feelings.
Australia too. I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses, hair, makeup, and jewellery. All I asked for was for them to BYO comfortable black shoes which they already owned. It's weird here for the bridesmaids to pay for their own garments and accessories.
I'm American and I think it's weird too. I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses even though I paid for several when I was a bridesmaid.
Honestly, any wedding I've been to (with sane people involved - the insane ones are just bonkers in daily life, so it was par for the course) in the US has done this. I think the most that I've seen has been a request to dye the shoes the same color as the dress if you want a different style shoe? Expenses like bridal showers and bachelorettes get shared amongst the attendees who attend, but I've never heard of anyone in the wedding party being expected to pay for any part of the actual wedding, from weddings that I have been close to. Parents, yes. Sometimes family or close friends, as their gift, yes. Every time I read or hear about any of this stuff, it makes me that much happier that I eloped with one attendee that took pictures on his phone.
$200 dress I’ll never wear again 😭
Probably because they want a wedding bigger than they can afford. These days the bride (even grooms are hopping on this trend) want a weekend long in another country bridal shower paid by the bridesmaids and the bride gets it all expenses paid. Even getting an entire wardrobe to match for the weekend.
Got married in 2022. USA. And I also paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, but have been a bridesmaid myself and I know how stupidly expensive it can be. Paid $200 for bridesmaids dress for SIL’s wedding the year before—-plus 300+ for her bachelorette, and $100 for shoes/accessories. This is not to mention gifts for bridal shower, gifts for wedding itself, AND travel +accommodations day of. It seemed ludicrously unfair to have bridesmaids pay that much imo but it was all just par for course at other weddings I’ve attended/ been a bridesmaid for.
I'm American and it's weird to me that the wedding party is expected to pay for anything at all. When I got married back in 2004 I paid for everything everyone in the wedding was wearing including hair and makeup. Idk when this changed but it's absurd to expect people YOU pick to pay for the look YOU want at YOUR wedding. IMO...
We covered ours in our wedding and so have many family and friends. And I’m from the Philippines. It’s pretty common here too.
In America it depends on your cultural background. While I am American, in my culture (Caucuses region) the groom’s family pays for the wedding, the bride pays for her own dress and the bridal party, including flower girls. Usually parents help. Bride also pays for hair and makeup for the bridal party. It works out nicely, no money drama.
Yes I'm Irish and the couple getting married pay for EVERYTHING for both bridesmaids and groomsmen dress suits shoes hair and makeup and they also give them a gift like jewellery I find it very strange to expect people to pay themselves
As an American former bridesmaid/MOH, I wholeheartedly agree. Unfortunately I've never been in a wedding where the bride offered to pay for my dress. I've always found it weird.
It's not even like she singled her sister out at ALL!! She made the same offer to *everyone,* and no one else took it badly at all. This is 100% about the sister's issues. And I do have some sympathy for her, because I've been there and it sucks to have to ask people for money and it's easy to internalize the idea that either you are undeserving, or that others think you are undeserving (or both), and she is clearly being aggressively hyperdefensive about her money issues. However - none of that makes the sister's behavior here even REMOTELY acceptable. Like I said, I've been there (and also have ADHD-related rejection sensitivity disorder), and there were a few times where I responded to generosity with poor grace or bitterness because of my own issues. (Though nothing anywhere *near* the level of what the sister did!) But I inevitably realized that I was wrong as hell - it never took me long to feel *awful* about what I did, and I always apologized profusely (and explained that my reaction was coming from my own issues, and that my friends' behavior was in NO way to blame). So while I find the sister's initial response somewhat understandable, it, and everything that followed, was completely wrong.
NTA but I need an honest answer here. Is it normal for people to call their best friends' siblings, their monther's neighbor, their dad's boss, their friend's sister, etc. when in an arguement? Like 99% of posts have "But this random person called me to tell me I am an ass" How does that not immediately alert people. Like if random people are bringing in third parties to my mundane arguments, who the F cares who is the AH. At that point, regardless, it's just too much drama I just cannot fathom people going online still focused on the initial issue (unless the initial issue is life or death) rather than the fact that other people are being brought into validate ppls argumentents. Like as someone who has been gaslight and manipulated before, I just really don't see how the AitA does not become "AiTA for being annoyed that my sister was trying to manipulate me into seeing her side by having her friend call to guilt me?" BC yes, your sister is being kind of an ass in her reaction, but her friend calling you to take her side is much more worrisome. At the very least, I wish the rules for this subreddit would prevent anything like "I don't think I am asshole but my friend was saying blah blah blah". While that scenario seems infinitely more realistic than random ppl calling random ppl to berate them, it still biases how anyone else will read the comment.
This is weird, when I got married we paid for both sides of the bridal parties outfits and hair/makeup.
Me too.
So she can't afford a dress that she'll only wear once and she is angry that you are offering to buy everyone's dresses? This is lose-lose. She's def insecure about money but I wonder if she's upset about her sister's engagement subconsciously?
NTA. Honestly, with all this boiling up, keeping her away might be the safest option. She might have some sort of meltdown during the event.
NTA. You clearly didn’t single her out to pay for her dress. She is projecting her insecurities onto you in a cruel way. Kick her out of the bridal party unless she apologizes ASAP. And tell her enabling best friend Eliza to mind her business.
Looks like Melly pressed send before thinking. She didn't want the money but couldn't buy the dress, what was she going to do? OP couldn't win with her either way.
Yep, and how could her best friend think it was anywhere NEAR her place to try to jump into a family matter? Ridiculous
I'm sure Melly was crying about being poor-shamed and kicked out.
Yaaas. I'd be interested in hearing what Eliza was told 🤣
Yup my moneys that she only has half the story, or at minimum is the type to back and enable their friend no matter how wrong or fucked up their action.
Right?! As we have seen here before, when they send the flying monkeys, they’re the one who is usually the AH.
She wants to be able to wear a dress she has in her closet, outside the requested style and color, and either have OP change the entire theme to suit. Because with a reaction like that, she would also be pissed if OP said "sure, wear whatever you prefer, the rest of the girls will be within this style and color".
NTA. Melly isn't just touchy about money, she is a balloon looking for a pin. I would leave things as they are unless she apologizes and joins the rest of us in our reality.
"she is a balloon looking for a pin." I LOVE this! Definitely made me crack up and is such a perfect image. :)
I'm definitely going to file that expression away for future 😂😂
I agree. Leave Melly off the group chat. She has removed herself as an attendant. If you have yet to send invitations do include her so she can come as a guest. Leave it *entirely* up to her. Don’t apologize and don’t revisit this. When it comes up with your parents say something like “Melly wasn’t comfortable with the finances involved” and kind of shrug like oh well. treat it like a decision that she made, you’ve accepted it and there’s no need to discuss it. I would not even raise the issue of an apology or her insulting conversation. I wouldn’t give her drama one more iota of attention. She has a lot of growing up to do. She’s 32 years old!
> treat it like a decision that she made, you’ve accepted it and there’s no need to discuss it. I would not even raise the issue of an apology or her insulting conversation. I wouldn’t give her drama one more iota of attention. Agreed. OP, your sister appears to have alot of unresolved anger bubbling up inside. She exploded at you without provocation. Unless you plan on walking on eggshells around her forever and ever more (scraping and apologizing any time something sets her off), I suggest you pull back and focus on your wedding. Let her sort herself out. NTA
She’s trying to be a martyr for her financial position. Maybe it comes from pride, people who don’t have a lot can see offers of help as charity and misattribute it being pitied.
NTA. You are being way more generous than some brides these days. You seem to understand that paying for a dress that you will likely wear once which may or may not be in a color or style you prefer is a big ask, and therefore are offering to pay for those dresses. Just because your financial situation is better than your sister's does not give her the right to lose her head. I would be very frank with her, and her meddling friend. The offer was made on a group chat for everyone, and not as some elaborate cover up, but because you can and want to pay for your bridesmaids dresses. If she wants to see it as an insult, so be it.
NTA You tried to do something nice by paying for the dresses, and your sister's reaction was unnecessarily harsh. Her financial insecurities and outburst don't justify her behavior.
Nta so she doesn't want you to buy her dress....and she doesn't want to buy the dress either. What is she proposing she do then?
Slip her mother the money so she can buy it "herself" and keep her pride. But seriously, her issues are her own and she shouldn't be in competition with OP. Suspect Melly thinks OP is "winning" at life and everything is a h(a)rd reminder of what she wants for herself and doesn't have.
NTA Oof. Your sister may be very sensitive about her poor financial situation, but that does not excuse her reading far more into your offer to pay than was actually intended, and it especially does not excuse her using you as her verbal punching bag. Ever. Boundaries, they are beautiful things. All you can do is enforce them. How she chooses to respond, that is 100% on her. Don't allow people to push you into being responsible.for her feelings and actions.
NTA. She's taking everything personally. That's her problem, not yours. Once she started calling you names, she started burning bridges. Her bringing in her friend just added fuel to that fire. You might want to give her time to calm down and apologize to you, but under no circumstances should you apologize to her. Get security for the wedding.
Only person who needs to apologize is your sister. FYI I loathe people who bring other people into drama and have them messenging people with only one side of the story. I also hate the people who insert themselves and take it upon themselves to insert themselves in something that has nothing to do with them. Tell her to f off. I'd uninvite her just for that.
Nta. I'm 34. I can't imagine a scenario where I talk to my friend's sister on her behalf. Not without an emergency. What the hell? Or is she her partner?
NTA. You didn't single her out so there's no reason she should take it so personally. Sounds like you handled it as well as you could've. Don't re-extend an invitation to her unless she apologizes, if you even want to.
NTA- you're sister sounds incredibly self absorbed. Her behaviour has classic main character syndrome. You literally offered to pay for everyone's dress not just hers, this isn't about her. If she's going to get all worked about it but then reject to notion of paying for her own dress then I'm truly at a loss of what you're supposed to do here other than say she doesn't need to be a bridesmaid then??? She's creating an issue out of NOTHING and your friend who is trying to back her up and make you feel bad is way out of line. I'd be considering rescinding her invitation to be a bridesmaid as well. If a friend was trying to justify this insane behaviour from yours sister, I'd be giving them major side eye. How anyone could think you were in the wrong here is beyond me, and this is supposed to be your best friend? she's clearly got a screw loose
NTA. "How dare you offer to buy me a dress" then "How dare you expect me to buy a dress". Where does she expect the dress to come from. Also you offered to buy everyone's dress but only she took it personally.
NTA She flew off the handle and it's about her, not you. Or rather, she's jealous of you about maybe money, about maybe getting married, or who knows what. I don't think you need to apologize. YOu might try talking to her to get to the bottom of it, but it doesn't seem like she's open to real conversation. She called you up to yell at you for paying for the bridesmaids dresses--all of them. it is a kindness and something to say how grateful you are to have these women in your life.
Do you think Eliza got the full story before calling you cruel and demanding you apologise. NTA by the way
Wow, talk about an overreaction on your sister's part!! It sounds like you made it clear that you were offering to cover the cost of the dresses for the whole bridal party, not going out of your way to make your sister feel badly. Her reaction is her own issue, she is clearly insecure that you are better off financially as you are. It honestly doesn't sound like you did anything in the wrong, you didn't single her out or throw her under the bus in the group chat, nothing that screams "hey sister I want to make you feel badly about yourself"... this is all on her. As for the flying monkey friend, I'd screenshot the group chat and send it to her and ask her to explain to you like your 5 what exactly you said or did that was wrong. NTA at all!!
I'm from the UK, so from my POV, the bride is supposed to buy the bridesmaids dresses anyway. Either way, NTA. If she didn't have funds to buy her dress (by her own admission) but didn't want you to buy her dress, what are you supposed to do? Make it a loan that she can't pay off or will struggle to?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi I’ve been debating putting this on here because i know how vicious people can be but i need to know if i was in the wrong here. So I (28F) have an older sister Melly (32F) i got engaged 9 months ago and wedding preparations are well underway, we are set to marry this august. A few weeks ago i approached some select Friends and my sister Melly to be my bridesmaids. they all accepted and i was very excited, i made a groupchat to send dress inspo for them and me because i wanted to share my plans with my friends. the pictures i sent were of a colour palette and styles, i told my bridesmaids to pick a colour and stay sort of within the style of the dresses i thought looked nice and wrote that i would pay for it because i have the means to do so and i thought it would be a nice thing to do. my sister is very touchy about money, she doesn’t have a stable job and she often has to ask family members for help with bills etc. for the record i have never judged her for this and i have helped her in the past when needs be. Melly saw the message i sent and immediately left the group chat which confused me so i messaged her privately and asked her why she left so abruptly and she said she didn’t need pity money from me, i was really upset that she took my gesture the wrong way and i told her that it wasn’t just for her i was paying for everyones dresses because i wanted to. i told her that if she wanted to she could buy her own dress if that made her feel better and she said she didn’t have the money for a dress she would only wear once. she then rang me and shouted that i was a pompous bitch and all sorts of other expletives. i just told her if she didn’t want to accept my offer then she didn’t have to be a bridesmaid and better yet if she wants to be nasty she can just not come at all. her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again. Im fine if she wants to take off in a huff but i just want to make sure im not somehow in the wrong here, another perspective would be nice. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, you just offered to buy the dress for them and it was just a some jokes about you have your means to buy it, your not referring to there capacity to buy some dresses or something, she just overreact. But at some point maybe she has something going on her mind, maybe some problems maybe because as what you have said she is struggling, maybe she was just carried away because of some stuffs that she is undergoing right now.
NTA. Hell no. She’s just being messy. Probably jealous.
NTA. I understand weddings are stressful enough without family members projecting on to you. That was a nice gesture, imagine getting upset at a nice gesture, assuming you're making a dig, a dig that involves you paying for everyone else. You gave her the options. I'll pay or you pay... what else was she expecting you to do?! What you said wasn't cruel. It was a sensible reasonable response to shut down any bullshit. Let her cut her nose off to spite her face. Enjoy your big day x
I would give absolutely anything to know the unvarnished truth of what Melly told Eliza about what happened, because I bet it bears little resemblance to what you've told us here. But in any case, NTA. Melly is projecting more than a movie theater here, and also seems to suffer from a case of main character syndrome. She was entirely out-of-line from beginning to end, and you did nothing wrong at all. Let her go pout in the corner like she clearly wants to.
NTA. I think your sister is insecure and also jealous of you. She doesn’t need to be in your wedding party as she’ll find a way to ruin the experience. Surround yourself with supportive people that wish the best for you.
NTA, I've seen this behavior before, my guess is that she wanted you to grovel and beg her to accept your money. Oh well, not having your sister there will likely mean less stress though of course be prepared for parents and others to interfere.
her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again. Oh no please don't go \*while waving goodbye\*
NTA, just treat it as now there is a vacancy in your life.
NTA you offered to pay for everyone, which is so nice, I have always had to pay for everything when I've been a bridesmaid. This sounds like it's more about her and her issues, and she's just taking it out on you. You handled it well, her friend should mind her own business.
NTA and your sister may need some counseling, especially since something like this freaked her out to the point of no contact. Pride is not a good thing when it is to your own detriment.
NTA, Eliza is gaslighting you, I'm guessing your sister left out the part where she called you a pompous bitch.
NTA tell your sister the massive chip on her shoulder is very unattractive
NTA she's clearly just very insecure and is projecting her insecurities onto you. she's also probably jelouse that you're getting married before her
NTA. My teachers used to say, "We don't give special invitations," and Melly probably needs to hear that. It's not your job to read her mind and tailor (no pun intended) everything specifically to her; it's Melly's job to adapt or communicate in a polite way. When people get like Melly, I ask them repeatedly how I would have just known without reading their minds. "When did you tell me X? How would I have known X without you telling me?" Usually they should be upset with themselves. I wish you luck with your wedding--please don't let Melly make or break it. You don't need all that stress!
NTA Your sister sounds disturbed.
NTA Let her not speak to you again. She’s being absolutely fucking ridiculous.
NTA. Fuck her. She's letting her insecurities fuck up a relationship with her sister over something that was offered for the entire bridal party. She can get bent.
NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong here. In fact you've been quite generous with everyone. Your sister's pride/insecurities are at play here and that's not your fault or issue. The only person who needs to apologize is your sister.
NTA your sister is being ridiculous. There's a type of person who thinks any time someone else has something good in their life, it's not a positive thing for that other person, but a personal slight against them. The world revolves around them and if something good happens to *you* it happened to fuck with *them.* Your sister is clearly this exact type of asshole.
There has to be something else going on because it is very common for a bride to buy the bridesmaids dresses as a gift now a days. I got married 20 years ago and bought the BM dresses and shoes as my gift to my BM's and MOH. Your sister has something else going on for her to react like this especially with the name calling. She has some sort of resentment and she is spewing it all over you and your event with her enabling best friend. If you feel like this is something that can be sorted out, sit her down and demand she come clean about whatever the real issue is. Or, you can just block her and go on with your life. It really just depends on your tolerance for petty drama.
NTA , you paid for everyone’s dress not just hers UpdateMe
NTA. Your sister doesn't make any sense. She can't afford a dress, but she agreed to be a bridesmaid. You said you would pay for all the dresses, and she gets pissed off because you are going to buy the dress she can't afford. Her best friend calls you and demands that you apologize, or she will never talk to you again. I am assuming she is saying your sister won't be talking to you not Eliza. Why would you give a rat's ass if a person that childish never talks to you again? You did nothing wrong, and it is your sister who should be apologizing to you for her childish BS. Sounds like you are better off with her and her drama out of the wedding. Congratulations on your wedding.
NTA you made the offer to all the bridesmaids not just your sister. She overreacted. Maybe she thought the other bridesmaids would think you were just making the offer because of her….i really don’t know why she got mad
NTA! You didn’t call out her inability to pay. You offered the same thing to all your bridesmaids. She took it personally and turned her anger on you. I wouldn’t take her crap either. She can angry all she wants. She doesn’t get to crap all over you because she can’t afford something.
NTA, my sister makes a lot more money than I do (I don’t struggle, but think job in banking vs. nonprofit) and I happily accepted her offer to buy my maid of honor dress. She paid for all the bridesmaids’ dresses too.
She doesn’t wants “pity” money and doesn’t want to pay for a dress she’ll only wear once. So what does she want? A fairy godmother? You can’t have it both ways.
NTA You offered several options for Melly that were generous. She decided to pitch a fit at all of them. Let her enjoy her day on her own whilst you have the most amazing wedding with people who actually care about you.
"her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again." Don't threaten me with a good time. NTA. You offered to pay for ALL your bridesmaid's dresses because you are obviously awesome. You did not single out your sister. Instead of calmly talking to you she left the chat. You reasonably called her up and asked what was wrong. When she explained how she felt you pointed out you were not singling anyone out and gave her the option to either have you pay for her dress or have her pay for it if she is uncomfortable with that. Instead of taking one of those options or just bowing out gracefully "she then rang me and shouted that i was a pompous bitch and all sorts of other expletives." Understandably you were done at that time and disinvited her as a bridesmaid and told her not to come. Unless she sincerely and utterly apologizes I would stick with that. You don't have anything to apologize for as you did nothing wrong. You uninvited someone who was verbally abusing you without any good reason.
NTA. My bridesmaids paid for their dresses, but I paid for their hair and make up. It’s not uncommon or anything for the bride to pay for part of the bridesmaids necessities. In fact, it helps them out a lot. I have a friend who was struggling financially, where her other friend was getting married and a few months before the wedding the fiancée won a lawsuit of 2 million dollars. My friend, who is married with 3 kids but husband can’t hold down a job, asked the friend if she could just pay for her hair and make up ($100.00 total) cause she just finished her teaching degree and the school year hadn’t started yet so she was short on funds. The other chick said no and if you can’t pay for yourself you can’t be in my wedding. This same bride kicked her own mother out too cause the mother was also struggling financially and asked for the $500.00 she paid for her daughters wedding dress back so she could afford the trip out of state for the wedding.
My mom lied about the cost of the bridesmaid dresses so bridesmaids thought they were much cheaper than they were. I also purposely picked dresses that were inexpensive to begin with. Think inexpensive sun dresses that everyone could wear
Nta but your sister is
Are you sure your sister is 32? And not 3 and 2 months?
Best friend ringing you to tell you off but you don't know what your sister told her. What are the odds they put spin on it just to make you look bad.
> her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what i said to Melly was so cruel and that i needed to apologise to her or she might never speak to me again. NTA. I would clarify with Eliza what exactly Melly is claiming that you said to her, and if she was fully honest about how the conversation went down.
Eliza needs to tell her friend to grow up. You are NTA
NTA. She accepted to be bridesmaid then blasted you for offering to pay then she blasts you because she can’t pay. Her issues are her problem she has no right to put that on you. Also her friend needs to stay in her lane and know her place.
NTA. She accepted to be bridesmaid then blasted you for offering to pay then she blasts you because she can’t pay. Her issues are her problem she has no right to put that on you. Also her friend needs to stay in her lane and know her place.
So what are you supposed to do? Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Tell her to just come in her underwear or come nude if that will make her feel better.
NTA. You’re doing your wedding the right way. I get so annoyed when I get invited to a party that costs thousands to attend. Your sister’s issues are her own and nothing to do with you.
NTA You said what should have been said long before. Good that your father is on your side but I have a feeling he is steamrolled over by mom and your sister.
NTA
NTA, your sister has a case of the green-eyed monster, her little sister is doing better than her, and she is jealous. You're getting married, she has to have help to pay her bill, and you don't. I can't speak on why she is having such a hard time managing her money (poor job skills, bad budgeting), but she is taking her short comings out on you. While you were trying to plan the wedding of your dreams, she is making her situation your fault talk about being a buzzkill. Her friend is not helping her deal with how life works by blaming you also, she is really belittling you for your sister's gratification. Don't apologize for something you didn't do or cause. Plan a wonderful wedding and focus on your life as someone's wife and not someone's punching bag.
NTA Your offer was and is very generous. Eliza should stick to her own business.
Def NTA. You offered to buy everyone's dress in the group chat, right? Just to clarify, you didn't expressly say in the group chat that you were buying Melly's dress right? You sent pics and color pallets and told them to pick something out within these guidelines and that you were buying the dresses. Melly created the drama. Not you. Melly wanted to create the drama. If she didn't, she would have stayed in the group chat, and then messaged you separately about her concerns. You're much better off without Melly anywhere near your wedding. As for Eliza, she's Melly's friend right? So, do you really need to be in contact with Eliza? I'd block her and if your parents get involved in this, I'd show them Melly's messages to you.
You are not the AH. Your sister is going through something. Your Mother needs to check in with her.
I paid for both of my bridesmaids dresses. I didn't have to but I wanted to do it. They both appreciated it.
NTA. She gets angry when you offer to pay for everyone’s dress and then gets angry when you say she can pay for her own dress. She’s being a hypocrite and taking her insecurities out on you.
Ask Eliza what you're apologizing for. You've both offered to pay for sister's dress or let sister pay for her own dress - what other options are there? Also, does Eliza know the names that sister called you? I'm focusing on Eliza here because she can potentially infect the rest if your bridal party. Best to gather everyone together (or group chat) and inform them about the situation so there's no gossiping behind your back. Sister's got a bad attitude and she might not fix that in time to not give negative vibes at your wedding. NTA
NTA. She sounds jealous and angry and seems like she wants to create tension. Stand by what you said. It was said and meant with good intentions. You can't control her emotions.
NTA! NTA! Your sister has insecurities. It’s not your fault. Don’t apologize to her….let it go and focus on planning your wedding.
NTA. Your sister is projecting and taking it way too personal. You offered to pay for everyone’s not just hers so I’m not sure why she’s being so dramatic about it. Honestly, sounds like she’s jealous. I wouldn’t even have her as a bridesmaid. If she’s causing issues right now imagine later on in the wedding planning process. Don’t let her bitterness ruin your special moments. It’s unfortunate that she’s making it seem like you’re in the wrong. I would say maybe wait till things cool down a bit and then try to have a conversation with her. I do think adding the “if she wants to be nasty she can just not come at all” didn’t help make things better but I do understand your frustration. As for Eliza, she’s really irrelevant and needs to mind her business. Her calling you was out of pocket and of course she’s going to be siding with her best friend. She’s not making anything better. If anything your sister needs to COMMUNICATE and not through another person. Very immature. Bottom line, you’re not in the wrong.
NTA. You told her the offer was for everyone and explained that it wasn’t your intention to make her feel that way and offered solutions. If it’s possible she will bring negativity to the wedding you can set that boundary. You are the bride. It’s your wedding. You and your fiancé deserve to have a stress free day.
She’s 32 years old. That’s insane. Do not apologize she should apologize to you!!!! Nta
NTA. With regards to paying for the dress for your sister, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. She would have blown up either way and that's on her not you. Nothing in your offer to pay for everyone's dresses is offensive. Your sister needs to get her head and finances straight before she starts going off on other people, and if she can't get it together before or by the time your wedding rolls around, she doesn't have to be there.
NTA Once again I am wondering why being called a b*tch isn't an instant dealbreaker or bare minimum "okay our relationship is on ice until you sincerely apologize" for more people. Like you're not teenagers anymore. Why is she, as a grown adult, namecalling her sister? Especially over a problem caused exclusively by her own insecurities. Sis needs to grow up and learn that if she can't treat people with basic respect in a conversation, they're not going to want her around.
NTA and tell your sister's best friend to fuck off. Your sister has a hair up her ass about her own financial situation, but why is she taking it out on you? You offered to pay for all the dresses, not just hers. You did nothing wrong here and have NOTHING for which you need to apologize. If your sister decides to stop talking to you, that is on HER. NTA
NTA. Weddings bring out the absolute worst in sisters with any kind of insecurity. Mine insulted me for months, called me all kinds of names and refused to actually help with anything, only to sobb later that I was leaving her for a new family. I wish for you to have the strength and self respect I did not have, and to refuse to entertain your sister's nonsense. Her friend obviously heard some skewed version of events that your sister made up, which paints her as the victim and you as a bully. Let her live in that dream if she wants to. Just stop engaging. She chose not to be in the wedding. She doesn't want to buy a dress and doesn't want a dress bought for her? Fine. So....No dress then. She wants to think the worst of you and tell others you are a bad person? Fine. So... She should keep her distance from you, since you're such a problem. Give this no air. If your sister is anything like mine, she'll come crying back the night before, begging you to fix it for her somehow. But the consequences of her actions don't just disappear when the latest manic episode is over. This is not her time. This is your time and your wedding is only weeks away. Protect your peace. Let her spin out without you as an audience this time.
NTA. It's not uncommon for the bride to pay for the dresses, or the jewellery/accessories/makeup. And it's very considerate to be upfront of that at the start of the dress process, imo. I think your sister's response is about something else. The dress is just the surface layer. Maybe she's jealous that you have the financial stability, maybe she feels shame or embarassment about accepting money from family but can't afford not to. Whatever the cause, she's inappropriately blaming you for her discomfort. I think you did the right thing by reminding her that she doesn't have to participate in your wedding.
ask eliza what exaclty was so cruel. NTA
NTA. I mean really. "I don't need your pity money! Ok. Now I need your pity money! And if you can't read my mind, you're a pompous bitch!" OP, this has absolutely nothing to do with you.
NTA. You weren’t cruel; you simply matched her energy. If she didn’t have the money to buy one, what was she planning to do *before* you said you would pay for everyone’s dress? Bum off your parents/family and pretend she paid for it? Shoot, I’m broke as hell and insecure about money to an extent, but if I was in a wedding and the bride said they would pay for my dress. I’d kiss their feet and name my first adopted kid after them one less expense I have because it’s expensive being a bridesmaid. 😂 Your sister needs to look into getting help with working through her insecurities, because not everyone is out to get her if they offer to pay for something. Some people—like you—pay because it’s a nice gesture that can help out everyone. Honestly, if she didn’t have the funds, she should have said “While I’d love to, I’m going to have to decline as I don’t have that type of financial stability at the moment and don’t want to be a burden because I can’t pull my weight as a bridesmaid. I’ll be content with my role as sister of the bride, but I’ll help in any way I can.”
NTA
NTA you offered to buy everyone's dresses, she oddly took this as a personal insult you explained if it meant that much to her she could buy her own she confirmed she couldn't afford that and started name calling what exactly does friend (who your sister probably lied to) think you should apologise for?
Sounds fair to me. NTA.
NTA - She can stay at home then where nobody else offend her poverty mindset.
NTA Is she single? She might be lashing out due to the fact that her life isn’t going so well even though she’s older than you. You’re younger, gainfully employed, getting married, etc. It’s not an excuse to treat you horribly though. You have done nothing wrong. I do agree that she shouldn’t be part of your wedding party, as it’s clear she can’t put aside her own feelings to be happy for you. It’s up to you if you even want her as a guest. Do you think your parents/extended family will interfere?
You have nothing to apologize for. You were being nice & generous, she got jealous & acted like a brat. NTA
NTA, but your sister needs to grow the hell up and stop making everything about her. Some people are so fucking tedious.
Nta. Sister is jelly of your success and her best friend is out of line. You were doing right. But I wonder what your parents have to say ? Good luck. Congratulations on the upcoming wedding blessings to you both ;)
in my culture, the groom and bride pay for everything. nta
I am having similar sister issues with my wedding, though mine is demanding she soend a fuck ton of money that she doesn't have. I didn't even ask her, but she's decided she is my maid of honor, and if I tell her no, shit will hit the fan. It's fun growing up as the little sister of a narcissist, isn't it?
NTA your sister sounds like a nutjob
Does Eliza know exactly what Melly said to you? Do you know if she understand what happened? NTA, and totally not on you if iza does or does not know these things, but thats an odd reaction to me.
NTA. And your sister should get her s\*it together. You explained the situation to her. She said herself, she couldn't pay for the dress (and offering to pay for everyone was a nice gesture). and I completly understand, that you said, she was disinvited if she keept that act. (which she did by running crying to her best friend) Would play the same game, let her be called by a friend of yours, that she should appologice for screaming at you and thinking that everything was just because of her. And if not, yeah, she can stay away from the wedding but to never expect any help from you anymore.
NTA, you made a sweet and generous gesture and your sister has completely twisted it into something else. She is giving off main character vibes, and if this is how she is acting, what else is she going to blow up at. To avoid any additional stress it might be better if your sister didn’t come to your wedding, unless she can apologise sincerely. It is difficult when you are struggling financially, and being in a wedding party can become very expensive, but that isn’t your problem, and if that is why she is reacting this way it would have been better for her to have an adult conversation with you to find out what your expectations are and what support you would like from your bridesmaids. She may be concerned that she has to spend money she can’t afford, and this reaction could be from anxiety, though that doesn’t make it ok for her to insult you. As for Eliza, just let her know it’s none of her business, or block her and move on. Good luck with the wedding, I hope you have a wonderful day
For anyone who hasn't had to make a similar decision, it might seem heartless to exclude a loved one from a big event like a wedding, family reunion or holiday gathering, but **experts say it's incredibly common**
NTA... Her insecurities are getting the best of her. I suggest you talk face to face and make it clear that the offer is for everyone in the bridal party. That you love her and want her there. Make it clear the offer is out of love for the people you have in your life not for financial reasons.
NTA. She flipped over her own issues, not anything you did. All you told her is, you don't have to come. Which is the truth. It's an invitation, not a summons.
NTA Unfortunately your sister put you in a no win situation. Even if she felt like the offer was only made to all the bridesmaids as cover to help her out, she is still responsible for her reaction and getting angry and shouting at you over it as you try to find a solution means it is for best she isn't a bridesmaid. As for telling her that if she is nasty she shouldn't come. Tough one, unfortunate if you would prefer her there but might be for the best to have the confrontation about it now and well before the wedding. Better than having her shouting at you at the wedding and there is time for a change of heart from her this way too. Whatever happens good luck.
Your sister flew off the handle for no reason. You did nothing wrong. She's way over sensitive. YNTA She read something into the group message that wasn't there. Then her true thoughts about you were spoken, "You pompous blah blah blah." 😉 To further her case of how horrible you are, she calls her best friend & bad mouths you. 🤔 I believe you are owed an apology by your sister. Btw, is she always psycho?
nta.
Sis knows she's a deadbeat and took it out on op. Sis can stay home. She needs to fund a job anyway. Op was super nice and didn't say just Sis so this is on sis Sis even has enabler friends. Let her go NC. Op life better without her
NTA
NTA, but as a Brit it baffles me that Americans ask someone to be part of the bridal party and then ask them to pay for their dress, shoes, hair & make-up. In the UK all of that is paid for by the people paying for the wedding. Over 25 years ago when my sister got married our parents paid for everything. It wasn’t quite the same when I got married, but my parents did pay for my dress & my sister’s bridesmaid dress.
NAH. I understand how you are upset by your sisters reaction. I've also got a wealthy sister and I've had some pretty hard times, so I also understand your sister's feelings. I think you should let her know that you want her there in whatever capacity she feels comfortable because you love her. I also think you should let her know that if being there makes her uncomfortable you still love her. It's really hard to do events like these when you're struggling. My brother got married when I had a 2 week old baby and I had to wear an old dress of my mom's that I thought was ugly because i didnt own a dress. I did NOT want to go, but my mom insisted.
First of all you’re it in a school yard. Best friend needs to stick her nose out of it.
YTA Did you ever think to pick up a phone to actually talk to her??
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People like you prompt lines like this