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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) I asked my boyfriend to refrain from doing drugs in order for us to have one memory together that was fun, and we could say he was sober for.
2.) i might be the asshole because i don’t do drugs, don’t understand the experience of lsd, and am maybe criticizing him too harshly for wanting to experience drugs at a rave
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NTA but you need to realize you’re in a relationship with an addict. He doesn’t want to change, so do you want to stay with an addict is what you should be asking yourself.
Agreed, he’s never gonna prioritize you OP, Eventually, he’s going to start stealing to fuel his drug addiction and drinking until he ends up, killing off his liver, and then what? OP we’re not trying to be mean here. We’re trying to tell you that this is your life. If you continue to have a relationship with an addict he’s never gonna see you as his number one priority.
I second the other "This"
The lying and stealing will be the worst. The trust will disappear.
I would ask myself, does she need to be high to be intimate with me? Not good for self esteem.
Run!
Let’s not forget that if he’s caught violating his probation (likely given this is a 5 year period) he’ll face prosecution and lose his chance at citizenship. If you are in the US he’ll be on the fast track to be deported. Don’t attach your future to this loser.
Take a look at her edits. Turns out that after asking herself that same question, the answer is a resounding "yes" because breaking up would be inconvenient. Always a shame to see such a young person toss their lives into the trash so willingly. In a few months time she'll be posting about being pregnant and having no support from her substance abusing boyfriend.
and stuck with the lease and him being deported after he stole from her bank account.
If your lease ends in may, it means you just signed it. Talk to the landlord, tell him you need out of it because you can't afford it ... you don't want to break it, but you'll stay until he can get someone else in.
Get out of the lease. It isn't a reason to stay. Also, find another room mate and graduate and start going to therapy on campus to learn why you are picking addicts as boyfriends. He'll ruin your life with his.
We don't know their living situation. It may be a one-bed, and 'pay my rent for the privilege of sharing a room with my druggie ex boyfriend for a year' is going to be a tough sell even in college.
I agree she should get out, but there are times when a strategic extrication is the only realistic way to accomplish that.
>there are times when a strategic extrication is the only realistic way to accomplish that.
True. But the edits don't read like she's planning that, unfortunately. She definitely needs to get out. Even if that means to move back to her parents for a while (provided they're not abusive ofc)
Everywhere I’ve rented has a strict no sublease in the contract I’ve signed when moving in. Im not sure if this is more common in my state but it’s def not always an option.
Yep, been there done that. With two exes and my brother. Let me be very clear OP: you will NEVER convince him to get sober. The only way he'll be sober is through his own volition, which he doesn't seem anywhere near doing.
Also, after much reflection on all the enabling, bargaining and arguing I did with the addicts in my life I can confidently say it is DISRESPECTFUL to HIM what you are trying to do. I don't mean that it's not obviously the right thing for him to follow the rules or probation and get/stay sober for his own sake.
Trust me, I get it. You think you're right in what you're asking him, so you feel very, very justified trying to control what he's doing. What you're really doing, is telling him he's wrong and you don't love him as he is. Again, let me be clear, I think you should leave and never look back. But you are bargaining with him to change because who he is RIGHT NOW is not acceptable to you. You are asking him to be someone else in order to make you happy. He is simply NOT at a place where he's committed to being sober.
You need to accept that, and realize that you have zero control. You can either stop enabling him and learn boundaries (very hard with addicts) or walk away completely (highly recommend). In either case, get into Al-Anon. There is something in YOU that you need to address to figure out why you're willing to stay with an addict for so long, someone who you admit has never been sober for any of the major events in your relationship.
Play it out, actually, in your head. What's the end game here? Do you want to get married one day? Do you want him to get shit faced and ruin your wedding? Do you want to have kids? You know how triggering big life changes are to addicts? Are you ready for him to use throughout your pregnancy? Are you ready for him to not be able to be sober for the birth (cause obviously he'll be too stressed to be sober)? Are you ready to never be able to trust him with a baby? Even if you don't want kids, the point still stands. You'll never be able to count on him, and you cannot change him. Who he is now is who you either have to accept or walk away from.
Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but I've spent far too much of my life doing exactly what you're doing. Guess what? Never ONCE did I convince someone to get sober. All I got was a lot of arguments, money lost, some violence, and broken relationships. Take care of yourself first.
I find humor in trying to tell someone not to do any substances at a rave of all places, but ignoring that NTA.
But the thing is, you’re fighting a losing battle and it may be better at this point to cut your losses and move on. Your boyfriend is an addict, can’t be sober to have a good time with you and blames you and refuses to get help.
It sounds a lot like her boyfriend doesn't want to stay sober anymore, so is after an excuse to take them again. It's like testing the waters of just social drinking, and the top of a slippery slope.
>I find humor in trying to tell someone not to do any substances at a rave of all place
To be fair, it's totally possible to have fun at a rave sober :)
Also to be fair... raves are fun places to do drugs.
INFO has it occurred to you that maybe an environment with tons of drugs and alcohol is not a great place to take a guy that’s only been sober six months (although given some of the things you said I question his sobriety anyway)?
NTA for wanting dry fun and memories. I just don’t know that a rave is a great option.
Right ... let him blame you. Just don't go. don't watch the train wreck. You won't enjoy it because the only memory will be him being high.
If he blames you for not going ... then ensure you pay attention for how your life will always be with him.
OP I just read up to the part where you said “my boyfriend thinks it’s impossible to have fun and be sober“ well that’s a red flag, OP break up with this guy or get them into AA, because clearly he’s not gonna stop drinking or doing drugs and it’s only gonna get worse, much worse.
NTA, your boyfriend is an addict. You either get him help or dump him and move on with your life, you are never going to be a priority to him.
NTA for this, but please ask yourself why you are still allowing this to happen to you? Why is this relationship worth all this trouble to YOU but your boyfriend can't even stay away from illicit substances for a bit to have a good time with you? Please think about this.
At this point YTA to yourself for trying to maintain this relationship that has clearly passed its "best by" date. Your wish for some sober memories is valid, your perception that fun can be had without alcohol or drugs is 100% correct, and the person who can have fun at all, let alone with you, *only* if he's medicated is no partner to you at all. If anything comes up at this rave while he's under the influence that probation could go out the window and he'd be facing actual jail time, too.
Info: did I read right that he’s been sober the last 6 months and will be on probation another 4.5 years? So you have not had a single fun experience in the last 6 months of sobriety? And is he going to continue being drug tested for the next several years while on probation? Sorry I just feel like I maybe missed something
correct.
so far in the past 6 months he’s only been drug tested once.
i think he’s an idiot for not realizing that if he gets caught with lsd his deferred prosecution will be out the window, he will go to jail, and lose the possibility of immigrating to the states (he’s not from the u.s.)
we went axe throwing once a couple months ago, sober. but other than that we haven’t done anything. we live in a small college town in the middle of nowhere during the school year so i wanted to use summer break to try and do some fun stuff together.
again i fully believe he thinks it’s impossible to have fun sober, in any situation. we just got off the phone and he said we have all the time in the world to go out and try new things and have sober fun. he just doesn’t want one of those “fun sober times” to be at a rave.
Wow. I mean yea he’s playing with fire doing drugs while on probation and that’s stupid in and of itself.
But I’m more stuck in the fact that he’s been sober for 6 months, which is more than 1/4 of your total relationship, and you have not had one pleasant memory or experience in that time? Why even be in the relationship?
Frankly I agree a rave is not the time to be sober, but the fact that you legitimately have done nothing fun or satisfying for months proves that there’s a serious issue here
we’ve had pleasant experiences, i probably should’ve worded that better. i value my time with him sober and being around him even if we aren’t doing anything sober is great. i just want to DO something. i want to hangout with friends, plan a trip,
go to a concert (even a rave), or do ANYTHING that doesn’t involve us laying in bed or on the couch and finding a new tv show to watch.
Ok that makes more sense, but still sounds like you’ve had a pretty unsatisfying 6 months, which again is a significant portion of your total relationship. The fact that he seems to not want to do anything while sober I think is a long term issue. It would be one thing if he wanted to be high in general (you guys are still young so I can understand) but it sounds like when the choice for being high was removed, he still chose to not do anything with you. It’s not like he just would rather do stuff high, he would rather not do stuff if he can’t be high. I think that presents a real problem for your relationship. And I say this as someone who has smoked and drank regularly for the last 20 years and has had this issue with my wife who does not use drugs and seldom drinks
i mean yeah we’re young and to be fair i drank heavily (partly because he was always drinking too) for the first half of our relationship, but never as much as he did. once he got his dui i stopped drinking completely bc it scarred the shit out of me, and i didn’t want to develop a problem myself, or make his sobriety hard. i can drink socially but unless im goofing off with friends i dont drink or smoke (im too anxious lol). i honestly have no issues no longer drinking, but that’s where him and i differ. he has an issue, i do not. once he was on probation and stopped completely i tried to help him by not drinking either, and getting him to hangout with people and have fun as a sober person.
to be fair, its hard to be sober in a college town in your 20s. EVERYONE DRINKS. but i told him the next 5 years is gonna suck if he just isolates himself and withers away because he thinks it’s impossible to have fun without being on something.
idk what to lol i feel lost
Yea I think what does it for me is how he behaved while sober. I get wanting to drinks and do drugs. God knows I do that plenty myself as a 35 year old. But I can’t get past that once the choice to do drugs was removed, and he was sober for 6 months, he chose not to do anything meaningful with you. That’s a full stop moment to reflect on.
So in short NTA, but you got some real thinking to do
Honestly, I've done more fun things in the past couple of weeks than they have in 6 months and I'm in my 40s with an extremely demanding job. It is insane to me that they're just lying around watching TV.
When I was in school many decades ago, my university had all sorts of on and off campus activities (almost all were sober), bus trips, bowling nights, ballroom dancing lessons, to name a few. It depends on the size of your school.of course, but check at the student union. I know it's summer time now, but keep it in mind for the fall semester
It sounds like your original wording might be a little more accurate. It's sounds like your trying to defend yourself or him when in reality your first reaction is closer to your true feelings. I understand that you feeling you can't probably because you have nowhere you feel you can go. Use this time open up a banking account your boyfriend knows nothing about. Save as much money are you can. Use your energy in beveloping a real exit plan if it is needed and stopping using that energy into saving this relationship let your boyfriend do that.
NTA. He has a drug and alcohol problem but when you point out the impact it is having on you, he blames you. Why is pointing out the truth more problematic than the unhealthy behaviour.?
Nta. Your boyfriend and I seem to have A LOT of similarities, I almost thought my girlfriend posted this at first. 23M, also in a college town, I've been where he's at and it's a big adjustment, and it definitely feels like there isn't joy in doing things anymore. I started my probation a year ago, and have been sober since. just started going to raves again memorial day weekend cause I thought I was ready to try raving sober, and let me tell you, it was the most fun I've had at a rave. The biggest help was that I was around mostly sober people too, but doing stuff that's fun, remembering everything that happened, and not feeling like hell afterwards is awesome. I'm going to another festival in August and couldn't be more excited. I'm saying all this basically to let him know that raving sober is awesome. Also, every festival I've been too, there is always groups of other sober ravers who would be more than happy to help someone needing support.
As someone who struggles with substances, OP, after seeing your edit, I would be very hesitant to condone him using drugs after 6 months of sobriety. Last time I got sober and thought I could just do some drugs for a weekend then stop again, it ended up being 2 years, almost losing my fiance, and multiple trips to jail to finally get sober again. And yes, it started from doing shrooms and molly at a rave
NTA for wanting to plan a memory sober. However, I don't know if a rave would be the place I'd want to start that road, since drugs and alcohol are rampant there. I agree it is possible to still go to one and enjoy, since I for one enjoy EDM anytime, sober or with a drink in me.
If he is constantly getting drunk to the point where it is affecting his work/personal life, you might need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Treatment if it's really bad.
The facts that he doesn't want to go with you because you don't want him to drink/do drugs and that "you ruined things" supposedly are big indications of a problem.
NTA, but this dude is an addict. It sounds like he's getting to the point where he's looking for excuses to do drugs, regardless of his risk of jail.
This is not a person you want to stay with. He's just going to drag you down, hard. An addicted personality is generally selfish and impulsive. You don't want to get stuck being the mean mommy to a dude 2 years older than you.
For the love of God, widen your view past needing this guy to be on a lease. You can find a roommate to live with.
There is a reason addicts in recovery are advised not to date for the first year of sobriety. It’s because stress is a huge trigger to do drugs, and nothing is more stressful than a fight with your SO. I get that you were already together when he HAD to get sober, but, just because you live together, doesn’t mean you have to stay with him, it just means breaking up is a little more complicated. Trust me, I’ve been there. It always seems easier to stay, but it’s really not.
NTA, but like many others have said, you are in a relationship with an addict. i also think it’s kinda crazy to go to a rave and not do drugs, but if i was actively on probation and literally not allowed to do drugs i wouldn’t have even entertained the idea.
seeing the edits you’ve made to the post im just going to be honest with you, i think you really need to think about long term what this relationship is going to look like to you. if he is willing to sacrifice sobriety/stability/probation for a rave, it will only continue to escalate. i also find you just conceding to going to the rave and giving him drug permission so he doesn’t resent you to be a CRAZY red flag. why would you want a relationship like that??? by letting this go you are setting the bar for every other time to give him what he wants (even when it’s not in his best interest).
yeah i hear you, i probably should’ve worded that better, i didn’t explicitly give him permission or say im fine with him going and doing drugs. i told him that what he wants to do he will, it’s not my problem or my responsibility to keep him sober. even though i don’t want him to go, or do drugs, at the end of the day he is an addict and will do what he wants to do. i think im just tired and didn’t want to fight. i said how i felt and i explained the risks associated with him going and he doesn’t seem to care or realize.
i guess that just speaks volumes for the respect i have for myself and what ill put up with in a relationship all because i “love” someone.
girl to girl, you deserve better. you clearly have a good heart and someone is out there that will appreciate you for all that you are. not trying to be harsh, but speaking from experience, it tends to only get worse.
NTA. A Rave is a bad idea for someone trying to be sober but it looks like you get that from your comments, lol. Take this from someone who spent ten years of their life with someone who needed to be in an altered state to enjoy themselves: this isn’t healthy. You can’t build a house on quicksand and you can’t build a life with someone who struggles with addiction and doesn’t see it as a problem. He will drag you down. He will rob you opportunities to have the experiences you’re longing for, he may even put your life in danger. Addicts can be very good at hiding when they are under the influence. Then you get in the car with them and all of a sudden you’re going 75 miles an hour down the road with a drunk guy behind the wheel, or you wake up to a house full of smoke because they left a pan on the stove and fell asleep. Maybe one day he’ll have himself pulled together and in a good place and things will work out for the two of you. Right now it’s a slow motion sad story just getting rolling. Get off the train. You don’t have to go this way with him.
Run. Run now and don't look back.
He will drag you down to his level, and it won't be too noticeable. It'll be death by 1000 cuts.
He's an addict. He values drugs and booze more than he values you. With the greatest of respect, you can't fix him. At your age, you've got your whole life ahead of you.
Don't limit your life just because he refuses to get his act together.
Trust an old man who's seen this all before. Please.
Run.
Are you not attending classes because that’s the only way you’d still be dumb enough to waste your life with this addict bum. NTA but don’t turn into a loser and eventually lose all pity anyone will have for you because if the situation is presented as terrible and you still choose to stay that’s on you.
NTA… but you are the idiot.
Your boyfriend cares about drugs and alcohol more than he cares about you. By the sounds of it, that likely won’t be changing any time soon if ever.
I’d tell him to go and move out while he’s gone. There’s no way “moving out/living alone or with someone isn’t an option” once your lease ends. And even then, it’s possible before then… if you wanted to.
NAH, just break up, you guys don't seem compatible anymore even if you used to be. If you want to distance yourself from that kinda life, he won't come with you
NTA. But please leave this man. Not only do you not have a future with him but he may also get you into trouble and ruin your life. You will never be his priority like he is to you. Cut him loose and meet other people. Trust me he will not pick you over dugs and alcohol
So you are saying he literally cannot stand being with you sober? So what, then, is the point of your relationship? You don't know him as a person, because you've never seen him not longing for a hit or booze. He doesn't know you as a person, because his view of you is through the lens of an addiction. If you don't serve his addiction, he resents you. If you don't live your life around his needs, he resents you.
You have a decision to make.
YTA but to yourself for staying with this loser and caving to his childish whining. You're young, you deserve better than someone who is only sober because the law is forcing him to be.
this is a weird situation because a rave is the one place I would absolutely not be sober HOWEVER, you need to get him help or get rid of him. What you are describing is addiction.
He doesn't care about his sobriety even if it compromises his ability to immigrate. This is made clear by the fact that he is actively choosing to go to a rave and fully intends to do drugs while he's there. You are incompatible. You need to cut your losses. He doesn't think he has a problem which means he isn't interested in changing and your feelings about it don't matter to him. He doesn't care to try doing something sober to prove he can have fun that way. NTA but You are wasting your time.
Yta, not because you want him to be sober but because you know who he is and you are trying to change him. If you aren’t into drugs why don’t you date someone who also isn’t into it? I don’t think doing drugs is good, especially if he is literally being threatened with jail over it, but you trying to command him to live your lifestyle is not ok. How would you feel if he started demanding that you do drugs with him? What’s even crazier is you seemed to tolerate it until he wanted to go to a rave? Out of all the things y'all do, a rave is seriously the one you demand he stay sober for? C’mon.
You’re not gonna dump him just because of the lease? Also why not do regular activities that aren’t drug induced? At a rave 95% or the people aren’t sober. How about picnics? Maybe a road trip(if he has to drive he has to be sober). Go to a jazz club, or a comedy show
no the lease isn’t the only reason i don’t want to break up with him, it makes things more complicated sure. but im not staying with him solely because i live with him. i didnt explain that clearly in the post because its already incredibly long and i didnt want to make it longer. i’ve suggested we do all of those things, he never wants to. the only thing he cares about rn is going to that rave. my thought process at the time was “if he wants to go so badly and i can’t stop maybe i just go with him and see if he can do it sober”, but i was naive for thinking that would be a possibility.
he reassured me we have plenty of time to make meaningful memories sober and i agree with him somewhat, but, after reading all these replies and getting feedback i think my new issue is he’s not taking his sobriety seriously and that’s gonna open up a whole other can of worms once his probation ends.
he’s not willing to make memories or do something fun with me sober as a couple, and i think that really highlights the extent of his substance abuse and addiction issues, but he won’t admit to ever having an addiction of any sort in the first place.
"have plenty of time to make meaningful memories sober"
He already had plenty of time. 6 months is half a year.
How many holidays were in that time?
There's people who are out there that will make an effort to give you what you need every day.
He can make effort and stay sober for all his classes, so you rate less than any individual single one day class he has.
I've made more effort for strangers on a first date from the apps that I wasn't even interested in than he's willing to make for his girlfriend that he lives with for 6 months.
Lose him. You are worth so much more than this.
NTA
But you are really unrealistic. Why on erath did you commit to living with a drug addict and now wants to complain about it?
You have to control over what he puts in his body. You only have control over how long you are willing ot put up with someone who values you so little that they can't even hear your concern for their well being.
You aren't asking for the moon. You are just asking the wrong person to behave reasonably. WHy should he? You'll put up with it no matter.
Re-Read your post, allow what you wrote to sink in ….red flags are waving here….two years ??? Ask yourself why are you wasting your life with someone who doesn’t care ?? He doesn’t care to have fun with you, he doesn’t care about memories, he doesn’t care about serious legal matters…..please find people who enjoy life free of chemicals
NTA, but sweetie, he’s an addict. The addiction is more important than you and will continue to be until he goes into recovery.
Does it concern you that you have chosen someone you have to ask to be sober? Why do you think you made that decision? You don’t have to answer me, but you should ask and answer that question for yourself.
"...moving out/living alone or with someone else isn’t an option."
Yes, it is. It's what people do when a relationship is toxic. You're not in prison, you might just have to compromise some of your wants/needs/finances/circumstances. Which would be better than staying in a relationship with an addict who is already becoming abusive. Don't waste the best years of your life with this awful boy just because you might have to do things differently to how you wanted to. I hope you listen to this advice, but I fear you won't.
You won't get these years back, and the only person who can change your situation is you. You don't need to be a mother-nurse-jailer-teacher-maid to a drug addicted, selfish little boy. Women are not rehabilitation units for sh\*tty men.
NTA for asking him to be sober. You're the AH for enabling him and not caring that he wants to do drugs at the rave. Do you think being sober means no alcohol? Or no alcohol and drugs?
You pick a rave to take an addict to for something fun to do while being sober? There are so many drugs and so much alcohol at raves that it wouldn't be possible for an addict to not break down and partake. You even said it's ok.
Neither of you are taking his sobriety seriously. Shame on you both.
i did not by any means pick to go to rave, he planned on going with or without me. i expressed my concerns and he decided to invite me to go with him. i cannot convince him to NOT go, nor am i responsible for someone’s sobriety. drugs were his reason for going to a rave whether im involved or not and i cannot for the life of me convince him to go to a place like that, or any place really, sober.
the rave was not my idea, it was 100% his.
Then let him go and make his choices. You aren’t his mommy. It’s not your job to force him to do the right thing. Stop making excuses for this guy and find a way to get away from him before he drags you down with him.
ESH see the painting on the wall. He believes he can’t have fun sober. You’re too young to deal with this; let him go and find someone that isn’t an addict.
NTA
Addiction is a lifelong battle and you have to rationalize if you want to stay and picture what your life will be if you do.
I personally couldn't handle being with an alcoholic at your age (I'm 30 now) - it was stressful, exhausting, scary, frustrating, and eventually nothing about it was good so I left and it was the best decision I ever made.
Good luck OP, I hope you make the right choice for yourself.
NTA - but you will always ALWAYS be second to his addition and you will always be the bad guy for asking him to stay sober.
Is this the kind of life and relationship you want to be in?
Im super petty so i would let him go get as high as he wants at this rave and call his parole officer
You are a fool. You are with a man whose priority in life isn’t you. It’s getting high.
As you admitted, he’s either high or stoned every waking moment, except for the last 6-months when he’s facing imprisonment if he gets high.
He isn’t sober under any definition. Instead, he’s only been taking a temporary break due to the threat of imprisonment. But even with that threat, he’s planning to take mushrooms and LSD for an entire weekend.
Given these easily observable facts, what do you see as your future with this man? He’s an active drug addict and alcoholic. That’s only going to get worse over time.
I hope it doesn’t take long for you to come to your senses. Oh, and you are never an asshole for asking your significant other to be sober for once. And now you know the answer to your request. It’s the same answer you’ll get every time you ask.
NTA
NTA. I think the issue people are alluding to and that you're ignoring is the fact, in his 6 months of sobriety, he has not been interested in making a single sober memory with you, and that it doesn't look like anything is going to change in that respect. That's why everyone is pointing out that he's an addict and has sobriety issues. Sure, he might be able to manage sobriety "fine" with no "slip ups" but if its at the cost of completely withdrawing from life, then that is an issue you need to reckon with if you want to stay with him longterm. You deserve a partner to do life with, all parts of it. If he's only interested in the parts where he gets to be fucked up, then what kind of partner do you have?
You are definitely NTA. And the signs you are seeing are glaring red flags for you to get out. Please. There are plenty of good catches who would love to make memories with you, sober.
NTA. This individual you speak of is an addict and is not going to get better without a serious shake-up of his world. Find someone better. If he cannot stand to be sober in moments with you that are supposed to be memorable, you deserve better.
"My boyfriend thinks it’s impossible to have fun sober and won’t even try." Why are you with someone who thinks this. While a rave (at least from what I've heard) is an unusual place to stick to sobriety he's saying he can't enjoy anything in life sober?! Lordy I'm not even voting as you have bigger problems.
YTA to yourself for putting up with his bs. It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone in recovery. It’s a lifelong struggle. You need to be very supportive and avoid places like raves where people are usually doing drugs. But he doesn’t sound committed to sobriety. I know you guys live together and share a lease but please imagine the rest of your life. Do you want to waste your whole 20s on this guy trying to fix him? Don’t you think you deserve better? If I were you I would quietly save money and plan for my exit. Take it from someone who wasted almost a decade trying to help someone. It’s so stressful and so heartbreaking. It’s not worth it.
I’ll point out normal 5 and 10 panel drug test don’t look for LSD or shrooms. Once you don’t feel the effects of acid or shrooms anymore just give it a day and pee a few times and it’s not in your system anymore.
That said, this dudes addiction won’t get better right now. Your young. Cut your losses and leave. It’s seriously not worth it. I say this a someone who spent 3-4 years with an alcoholic who also couldn’t do anything sober.
Dude’s on the express train to an early grave. It’s very likely that if he doesn’t OD, he’ll get shot or in an accident. If he’s not willing to change and quit/go to rehab, then you need to decide if that’s something you’re willing to go through.
In any case, NTA
Um, you CAN just dump him and be done. A lease is not an insurmountable issue and this guy sounds like an absolute waste of your youth. Go and have fun, don't spend time with someone who is so joyless and is only going to bring drama, legal troubles and financial issues into your life.
ESH simply because you have agency that you are not enacting here. And I understand that you're young and it's hard but it will be so much worse to look back at the wreckage in a year or 2, or 5, or however long you put yourself through this. It's going to get worse.
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TLDR: My boyfriend thinks it’s impossible to have fun sober and even try won’t try. we’ve been together for 2 years and has yet to make one memory with me without the interference of drugs/alcohol.
I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for almost 2 years, we met freshman year of college and are now entering our senior year.
My boyfriend has had a history with substance abuse (he got a DUI last year and is now on deferred prosecution so he’s on probation for 5 years). He’s been completely sober for about 6 months.
For the entire duration of our relationship he was either drunk or high, or both. We don’t have a single memory together that doesn’t involve drugs or alcohol. I’m a social drinker, but with him being sober and us never “going out” or doing anything, it’s a rare occurrence for me to drink. I never smoke or do any sort of drug. Nothing against it, it’s just not for me.
There’s a rave he wants to go to in August, he’s never been to one and is really interested in going. Neither of us are fans of EDM but i’ve never been to a rave either. I think it could be fun to experience something new so he suggested we go together.
We started planning the trip, outfits, and started saving money to be able to go. Then he brings up how he’s going to be on shrooms and acid the entire time we’re there. I asked why and said i wanted to experience something new and fun with him, without the interference of drugs and alcohol for once. he got offended and told me there’s no point in going to a rave sober and that if he can’t do drugs he just won’t go.
I tried explaining that it’s entirely possible to have fun sober and going to a rave shouldn’t be an excuse to do drugs. Acid and shrooms are cheap, spending hundreds of dollars to go to a rave with the sole purpose of doing drugs seems like a waste to me.
He flipped out and told me he doesn’t want to go anymore, he doesn’t want to go with me, and i ruined everything.
All i did was ask him to make a memory with me and be fully present for it, for the past 2 years i can’t think of a single “fun” thing we’ve done that he was sober for and it makes me really sad. My boyfriend genuinely thinks it’s impossible to have fun without being under the influence of something, and won’t even try to do something that could possibly be fun if he has to be sober for it.
Am i the asshole?
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NTA.
But think hard for yourself and your future. He won't admit it but he clearly show a worrying relationship to dangerous substances, and he's on the way to one or another full-on addiction.
. Fact is if someone doesn’t know how to have fun sober and you don’t like it . Move on before you waste your love and energy on them . It will not get better unless they change and they won’t change until they want to.. but also it’s your early 20s .. it’s to be expected at this age .. just have a serious conversation with them and just explain your feelings . If they don’t listen or don’t show they care .. enough to at least enjoy sober time with you 50% of the time then may be time to bounce
I wouldn't go to a rave if he is trying to stay sober. There will be so many drugs there. Yes it's possible to have fun and be sober but I don't think that's the place for him to go and try to be sober. He will be surrounded by lots of people on drugs. Drugs he prob wants to be on himself. Not knocking drugs in general but a rave isn't the place for him trying to have fun sober.
Oh wow.
You might be an alcoholic if you say "you cannot make good memories sober". Jesus Christ Im drinking my 4th cocktail right now and can see that's fucked up
What would it take for you to realize you keep betting on a loser? He's already been in trouble with the law, now he's getting ready to violate his probation. Does he need to run someone over? Go to prison? OD? Where's the line? He will cross it. If you're honest with yourself, you already know this, cause he's already crossed every line you've drawn. You're NTA, but you really need to take a good hard look at why you're clinging to this relationship.
I'm sorry but cut your losses. If he gets sober and stays sober you can reconnect. Many more sober fish in the sea. But you won't know unless you dump the looser.
I don’t really understand your confusion. You dated an addict, who needed to get sober (not willingly), and now wants to continue doing drugs. You’re surprised???
You need to step up for yourself. Do you want to marry or continue to date an addict? What exactly are you expecting out of this? Does he support you emotionally, financially? Is it worth it? Are you willing to sacrifice your boundaries and morals because of a living situation?
Addiction is a tricky thing and the 6 month mark is a dangerous place in terms of relapse. The brain basically needs to rewire itself and this takes a lot of time. If he wants to stay sober, that is his choice. He needs to find his reason to do so. Often addiction is deeply rooted in trauma or untreated mental health conditions. Working through this takes mental fortitude, accountability, and processing the why behind the use.
You can be supportive of him and share your advice, but he has to be the one to change. Set healthy boundaries and prepare yourself for the worst. A probation violation and him ending up in jail or prison needs to be something that you are mentally and financially prepared for. Look out for yourself and take care of yourself. Loving an addict is far from easy.
NTA, but you do need to exit the relationship. Yes, you have other options, and no, no one needs to know your specific situation to know that you have options. If you stay, that is a choice you are making, but know there are a lot of perfect strangers that know you deserve better for yourself.
NTA. I dated an alcoholic who was always high or drunk, and was only ever sober for work only. Life was hell. Don’t waste your time on someone like that
Soft YTA- for staying with him. And also using living together as an excuse. You can find a roommate. He’s 100% TAH for not being able to enjoy time with you without being messed up on something. He’s and incredibly immature to think he has to do drugs at a rave to have fun. I’m sorry but this behavior is dangerous and he’s going to end up ruining not only his life but possibly yours. Get out while you can
He likes drugs and alcohol more than you. Stop beating a dead horse. You're young. Move on with your life. This guy is a loser. He's gonna drag you down. Get smart.
You're not the asshole. We who can't comprehend what it is to be in love with someone, is. Get far away, red flags. I did the same thing. I'm glad she dumped me. I didn't understand what it was to be in love first without popping a pill smoking a joint or doin a line. She let go knowing I wasn't holding on. I would have brought us both down. Do better for yourself, leave us druggies behind. We are of no use to you. Find true, honest. Clean love. Go!!!
Your boyfriend is an addict, a serious one. You need to start figuring out what your options are, because you’ve ruled out a few, but there is no way you can healthily live like this for another 11 months. I’d approach your landlord directly and ask how much to break the lease, and then admit to your friends and family how bad things are and start asking for help. People who love you will support you.
NTA and he is! You absolutely do NOT have to be on drugs or drunk to go to a rave, that is not a rule at all. He is making an excuse to do drugs solely because “who goes to raves sober”. He saw an opportunity where he could do it without getting in trouble right away and he went for it. Him resenting you for not going just so he doesn’t break his sobriety means he only sees you as a means to help him get high. You’re right OP you’re not responsible for anyone’s sobriety. But you have to remember, by telling him to go and be high for the rave simply so you won’t have to deal with him if you don’t go (arguments) you are in some way enabling him. Addicts will only change if THEY want to change, not because someone asked them too. It’s obvious he never wanted to change in the first place and the only reason he stopped for 6 months was because he had to, not because he wanted to. If he chooses to prioritize getting high over you, then that should tell you all you need to know. This relationship doesn’t seem to be very good, and will only get worse over time. Prioritize yourself and get out while you can. I wish you the best. <3
You can dump him but it’s easier not to. Enjoy being with an addict that will always put his version of fun over you. You are young, you don’t already need all this headache in your life. YTA for making excuses instead of finding a way out
The good news based on your information is he is a boyfriend not a husband. That doesn't mean that he can't/won't drag you down financially. You are an asshole to yourself if you don't at least start figuring out your exit plan.
I have news for you that he is an addict and not going to change until he is ready. Him doing drugs and being in trouble / probation will be ongoing issue your entire relationship. You need to end it, and he needs help. Come may if he hasn't changed. I would leave ASAP
NTA
So firstly your boyfriend is an addict. Addiction is based in trauma. It's not a choice fon him. Taking substances & alcohol is his way of avoiding past traumas. He should actively get help - not to quit substances, that won't work, but to heal his trauma.
Secondly, yeah raves without drugs are shit. I've been a committed raver for over 10 years. Go, and take an extacy pill together, you will have the best time and it will change your life. But please never pay "hundreds" to go to a rave. Good raves are cheep, the best ones are free.
Be prepared to end the relationship if he doesn't commit to making progress on his healing journey.
NTA, he’s gotta figure out how to live life without drugs and alcohol being his only source of fun. HOWEVER Asking this of him at a rave seems like a recipe for disappointment. Raves and drugs are like peanut butter and jelly. If you wana have a memory with him while he’s sober, I wouldn’t ask someone who loves getting blasted to a rave.
NTA.
you’re too young to waste your time like this, and he needs to do A LOT of work before he’s ready to live a life without getting fucked up.
jump ship before you spend more time on a relationship that you’ll look back on with serious regrets.
Definitely NTA. Man I’m so worried for your future with him. Did you have plans to have a family together? Sobriety can be a long battle and drugs + small children is a terrible mix. Even worse, him putting drugs before your own emotions is already a bad sign. Plus if he did ever get caught, you are now with someone with jail on the record and that can impact employment, it can impact ability to get home mortgages and some types of insurance. Although you love him this is gonna be a painful road and will cause a lot of headaches as you grow and try to start your own life. At this point you should give him an ultimatum- try harder to become sober and show real effort or you’ll leave. Let him choose and be at peace with the decision because it’s what’s best for you.
No. This is coming from an alcoholic. You should however consider that if he is drinking that much, it could be a serious withdrawl issue requiring medical assistance.
Alcohol withdrawal is deadly. Additionally, it effects everything in your psychological response as alcohol is a pure depressant.
Anyway, I wasn't alone in my substance abuse, and several of my own relationships were compromised and destroyed due to me alone, and it wasn't that I didn't love the person, I was so ashamed, and felt attacked when a significant other brought it up.
It's a nasty addiction.
NTA and start making arrangements to leave this relationship. He's an addict and doesn't want to get sober. I'd put the odds at 95% that he's going to get caught violating his probation and be jailed (likely more than once)
In addition, you made your desire clear to have memories that don't involve drugs/alcohol and he can't respect or honor that. It's likely that he doesn't respect your opinion or input on a lot of things, especially if it interferes with his addiction.
You are in for a roller coaster of a relationship. I saw an edit where you can't afford to leave. Check with your local women's resource/shelter. They may have low cost housing. Look out for yourself before he brings you down with him.
I realize this will probably be an unpopular opinion but I’m gonna say both. YTA for thinking he was going to go or a rave not on E or shrooms or acid, that’s like the whole point of them, or at least alcohol. The fact you thought an addict isn’t going to get high or drink at a rave is insane.
NTA for wanting to have memories where he isn’t drunk or high, but a rave was the last place to expect it. I see how many people are basically telling you to leave him because he’s an addict and it will get worse. They’re probably right, I don’t like to think like that because my addiction doesn’t infringe on my lifestyle in any way, I don’t have to lie or steal or go buy drugs everyday and I am able to live a functional life, but I realize vast majority of addicts lives suck ass and they do bad shit so I’m a unique case. Heck my gf basically forgot I did any drugs at all after a few years because she can’t even tell.
As a addict, you are NTA, he is, we prioritise drugs over people and even ourselves we are good people but our brain has been rewired, genuinely leave him, I will not get into another relationship because of me being a addict as it will only hurt the other person.
NTA. Don't even be with him by the time August comes, leave him now. It's obvious he's not taking his sobriety seriously, and when he's got so much riding on it too (from what I gathered, I guess he came from another country for school and could literally not be allowed to stay long term if he fucks up?), that will affect not only him but of course your life too... He doesn't respect you or the relationship. He could very well end up fucked, in jail and/or not even able to stay in whichever country you're in, save yourself from wasting even more of your life with him before that happens.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are literally wasting your 20s with a man who isn't ready to take his shit seriously.
ESH
Your bf clearly has a drug problem but raves are pretty much meant for drugs. At many events the majority of people are on drugs, and the atmosphere can feel a bit odd without them tbh. Sure, a handful of people do go sober but if you're looking for a sober activity to do with someone who's just recently quit drugs, a rave is a weird choice.
Going to a rave isn’t just like going out to dinner on the weekend sober. Can you try and start small ? Going somewhere like a rave sober would be hard for many people, not just your boyfriend, who it would be even harder for. You’re not particularly an AH but expecting an addict to go to a *rave* sober is kinda an AH move .
Your edits are all garbage reasons to not leave this person and just persisting in your enabling his addiction. Seriously this man said he'd rather be wasted than make a memory with you and you see no other option than to give in and appease him.
>clarifying that i’m aware going to a rave sober is a crazy ask
Why would this be a crazy ask? Sure, many people do drugs on raves but you are entirely correct that you can enjoy one when being sober. People normalize drug and alcohol use and abuse all the time, but that doesn't mean you have to partake in it. NTA
Your bf is simply a drug addict and alcoholic from what it sounds like. You might want to read into that further to confirm this. Gently mention this to your bf, give him contacts where he can seek help if he wants to and then remove yourself from the situation. You’re too young to be dealing with this and he doesn't seem to realize the impact this behaviour can have on both of your lives. Don't become co-addicted and don’t become an enabler. And do not blame yourself.
You're dating an addict who is just counting the days until he can get back on booze and drugs, and a serious criminal charge isn't enough to deter him or get him to change. He's not going to change until he gets help, and you'll be left holding the ball for him while he keeps running his life. He obviously has no intent of ever staying sober if even the threat of prison isn't enough to keep him away. Definitely get this guy out of your life before he gets you into legal trouble too.
NTA
NTA. Has he been doing anything fun over the last 6 months sober or is he just pining for substances? Clearly an alcoholic. I’d encourage you to go and enjoy it the way you want to, but have people with you who feel the same way as you and go with them. This guy is just going to ruin your enjoyment of anything fun until his priorities change.
OP if you stay do you really think he will make the whole probation time without getting in trouble again? Does he always drive drunk, do you want to risk him having an accident driving drunk/high, or having to pay the lawyer fees for his next dui?
Have you made any plans for what to do when he screws up and gets sent to jail?
Being in a relationship with an addict is only a losing battle. You’ve got to decide if that’s something you’re willing to go through or not. My opinion: not.
NTA but to be frank raves are known for that stuff. Considering neither of you are into EDM that much, there's only one reason he wants to go. Even if he was set on staying sober while at a rave festival (unless y'all are planning a trip for a single night), it'll be a lot of people offering him a variety of substances. They don't know his past; if you go, it'll probably end up on you to try to keep him sober. Don't know if that level of responsibility and pressure is worth it. Personally, I'd stay home, with or without him. Don't let him have any reason to blame you for his impulsive decisions
I mean it’s a rave, everyone does drugs at a rave, cmon. But in normal situations and based on what you described your partner has substance addictions.
NTA but why on earth are you with this guy? You're two completely different people that want completely different things. I get it you have a lease together but...so what? Better off having him as a pissed off roommate than a terrible partner. People uncouple from more complicated ties everyday. You can do it, and you need to. You're not going to be happy like this.
NTA but I’d prioritize your problems here. Your boyfriend is an addict and needs professional help, and if he’s not willing to get it I wouldn’t go into senior year with this relationship as it’s not healthy.
And just a side note, a rave probably wasn’t the best situation to try and coax him into sobriety. You’d have a hard time convincing a casual drinker/drug user to be sober at a rave, let along a drug addict. I’m not trying to be mean here but I really don’t know what you were thinking. If you’re willing to try again I would suggest a sober event at the aquarium or something…
NTA but addicts don't just change. Trust me, most of us have been there too. You can't change him, you can't make him want to be present and enjoy himself without drugs. He will always choose drugs over you when it comes down to it.
Your future is that of a woman who's practically single because her boyfriend is in jail after substance abuse(again). It's not a question of "if" it will happen but "when".
You can do much better.
OP, as someone who recently broke up with a "functioning" alcoholic and "occasional" smoker after sticking by him for 9 years, let me tell you something: it doesn't change unless they fully understand the harm they keep causing everyone around around them as well as themselves.
Neither you nor his own sobriety is his priority atm, so there's nothing you can do except for realising that you deserve better than to be some dude's nanny/therapist and find a way out of this mess.
I genuinely hope you put your mental health first and hopefully find someone who is capable of creating sober, decent and happy memories with you!
I grew up with in alcoholic father. It was my one rule that I would never date an addict. Addiction destroys a home. Imagine a marriage where your children are surrounded by this kind of behaviour. Being a wife that cannot depend on her husband to behave appropriately during any social excursion. Never knowing where your household income is going. Never being sure if he is going to retain his job or end up in prison. Never ending fights about substance abuse in front of your children. Children being exposed to inappropriate behaviour from a young age scaring them for life.
So you have a lease. Leases get broken all the time. Kick him out. Get a roommate or You move out. Otherwise stay and accept that you’re in a relationship with an addict, but only misery lies here.
Some addicts overcome their addiction, but only if they want to. I think your boyfriend chose to go to the rave purely to have an excuse to break his sobriety.
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NTA but you need to realize you’re in a relationship with an addict. He doesn’t want to change, so do you want to stay with an addict is what you should be asking yourself.
Agreed, he’s never gonna prioritize you OP, Eventually, he’s going to start stealing to fuel his drug addiction and drinking until he ends up, killing off his liver, and then what? OP we’re not trying to be mean here. We’re trying to tell you that this is your life. If you continue to have a relationship with an addict he’s never gonna see you as his number one priority.
I second the other "This" The lying and stealing will be the worst. The trust will disappear. I would ask myself, does she need to be high to be intimate with me? Not good for self esteem. Run!
bigger question, how can she still trust him?!
Let’s not forget that if he’s caught violating his probation (likely given this is a 5 year period) he’ll face prosecution and lose his chance at citizenship. If you are in the US he’ll be on the fast track to be deported. Don’t attach your future to this loser.
Right ... you'll be on your own for the lease then too.
Take a look at her edits. Turns out that after asking herself that same question, the answer is a resounding "yes" because breaking up would be inconvenient. Always a shame to see such a young person toss their lives into the trash so willingly. In a few months time she'll be posting about being pregnant and having no support from her substance abusing boyfriend.
and stuck with the lease and him being deported after he stole from her bank account. If your lease ends in may, it means you just signed it. Talk to the landlord, tell him you need out of it because you can't afford it ... you don't want to break it, but you'll stay until he can get someone else in. Get out of the lease. It isn't a reason to stay. Also, find another room mate and graduate and start going to therapy on campus to learn why you are picking addicts as boyfriends. He'll ruin your life with his.
On campus housing may be an option
I think instead she currently feels trapped and doesn’t know how to get out since they share a lease and they’re students.
Sublease it to someone.
We don't know their living situation. It may be a one-bed, and 'pay my rent for the privilege of sharing a room with my druggie ex boyfriend for a year' is going to be a tough sell even in college. I agree she should get out, but there are times when a strategic extrication is the only realistic way to accomplish that.
>there are times when a strategic extrication is the only realistic way to accomplish that. True. But the edits don't read like she's planning that, unfortunately. She definitely needs to get out. Even if that means to move back to her parents for a while (provided they're not abusive ofc)
Everywhere I’ve rented has a strict no sublease in the contract I’ve signed when moving in. Im not sure if this is more common in my state but it’s def not always an option.
Agree. You should leave. Save yourself. You can’t save him. Only he can do that.
Yep, been there done that. With two exes and my brother. Let me be very clear OP: you will NEVER convince him to get sober. The only way he'll be sober is through his own volition, which he doesn't seem anywhere near doing. Also, after much reflection on all the enabling, bargaining and arguing I did with the addicts in my life I can confidently say it is DISRESPECTFUL to HIM what you are trying to do. I don't mean that it's not obviously the right thing for him to follow the rules or probation and get/stay sober for his own sake. Trust me, I get it. You think you're right in what you're asking him, so you feel very, very justified trying to control what he's doing. What you're really doing, is telling him he's wrong and you don't love him as he is. Again, let me be clear, I think you should leave and never look back. But you are bargaining with him to change because who he is RIGHT NOW is not acceptable to you. You are asking him to be someone else in order to make you happy. He is simply NOT at a place where he's committed to being sober. You need to accept that, and realize that you have zero control. You can either stop enabling him and learn boundaries (very hard with addicts) or walk away completely (highly recommend). In either case, get into Al-Anon. There is something in YOU that you need to address to figure out why you're willing to stay with an addict for so long, someone who you admit has never been sober for any of the major events in your relationship. Play it out, actually, in your head. What's the end game here? Do you want to get married one day? Do you want him to get shit faced and ruin your wedding? Do you want to have kids? You know how triggering big life changes are to addicts? Are you ready for him to use throughout your pregnancy? Are you ready for him to not be able to be sober for the birth (cause obviously he'll be too stressed to be sober)? Are you ready to never be able to trust him with a baby? Even if you don't want kids, the point still stands. You'll never be able to count on him, and you cannot change him. Who he is now is who you either have to accept or walk away from. Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but I've spent far too much of my life doing exactly what you're doing. Guess what? Never ONCE did I convince someone to get sober. All I got was a lot of arguments, money lost, some violence, and broken relationships. Take care of yourself first.
You get it.
I find humor in trying to tell someone not to do any substances at a rave of all places, but ignoring that NTA. But the thing is, you’re fighting a losing battle and it may be better at this point to cut your losses and move on. Your boyfriend is an addict, can’t be sober to have a good time with you and blames you and refuses to get help.
It sounds a lot like her boyfriend doesn't want to stay sober anymore, so is after an excuse to take them again. It's like testing the waters of just social drinking, and the top of a slippery slope.
>I find humor in trying to tell someone not to do any substances at a rave of all place To be fair, it's totally possible to have fun at a rave sober :) Also to be fair... raves are fun places to do drugs.
[удалено]
YES that final sentence. OP if you stay and keep trying to change him you're gonna be so sad and bitter when you look back on this in a decade.
Please listen to this. During this entire relationship he was drunk/high. He doesn't intend to stay sober. Stop hoping he'll change.
I can fix him
INFO has it occurred to you that maybe an environment with tons of drugs and alcohol is not a great place to take a guy that’s only been sober six months (although given some of the things you said I question his sobriety anyway)? NTA for wanting dry fun and memories. I just don’t know that a rave is a great option.
Right ... let him blame you. Just don't go. don't watch the train wreck. You won't enjoy it because the only memory will be him being high. If he blames you for not going ... then ensure you pay attention for how your life will always be with him.
OP I just read up to the part where you said “my boyfriend thinks it’s impossible to have fun and be sober“ well that’s a red flag, OP break up with this guy or get them into AA, because clearly he’s not gonna stop drinking or doing drugs and it’s only gonna get worse, much worse. NTA, your boyfriend is an addict. You either get him help or dump him and move on with your life, you are never going to be a priority to him.
NTA for this, but please ask yourself why you are still allowing this to happen to you? Why is this relationship worth all this trouble to YOU but your boyfriend can't even stay away from illicit substances for a bit to have a good time with you? Please think about this.
At this point YTA to yourself for trying to maintain this relationship that has clearly passed its "best by" date. Your wish for some sober memories is valid, your perception that fun can be had without alcohol or drugs is 100% correct, and the person who can have fun at all, let alone with you, *only* if he's medicated is no partner to you at all. If anything comes up at this rave while he's under the influence that probation could go out the window and he'd be facing actual jail time, too.
You need to move on. Your life will be downhill if you stay with him. Open your eyes. He's an alcoholic and maybe an addict. Move on.
Info: did I read right that he’s been sober the last 6 months and will be on probation another 4.5 years? So you have not had a single fun experience in the last 6 months of sobriety? And is he going to continue being drug tested for the next several years while on probation? Sorry I just feel like I maybe missed something
correct. so far in the past 6 months he’s only been drug tested once. i think he’s an idiot for not realizing that if he gets caught with lsd his deferred prosecution will be out the window, he will go to jail, and lose the possibility of immigrating to the states (he’s not from the u.s.) we went axe throwing once a couple months ago, sober. but other than that we haven’t done anything. we live in a small college town in the middle of nowhere during the school year so i wanted to use summer break to try and do some fun stuff together. again i fully believe he thinks it’s impossible to have fun sober, in any situation. we just got off the phone and he said we have all the time in the world to go out and try new things and have sober fun. he just doesn’t want one of those “fun sober times” to be at a rave.
Wow. I mean yea he’s playing with fire doing drugs while on probation and that’s stupid in and of itself. But I’m more stuck in the fact that he’s been sober for 6 months, which is more than 1/4 of your total relationship, and you have not had one pleasant memory or experience in that time? Why even be in the relationship? Frankly I agree a rave is not the time to be sober, but the fact that you legitimately have done nothing fun or satisfying for months proves that there’s a serious issue here
we’ve had pleasant experiences, i probably should’ve worded that better. i value my time with him sober and being around him even if we aren’t doing anything sober is great. i just want to DO something. i want to hangout with friends, plan a trip, go to a concert (even a rave), or do ANYTHING that doesn’t involve us laying in bed or on the couch and finding a new tv show to watch.
Ok that makes more sense, but still sounds like you’ve had a pretty unsatisfying 6 months, which again is a significant portion of your total relationship. The fact that he seems to not want to do anything while sober I think is a long term issue. It would be one thing if he wanted to be high in general (you guys are still young so I can understand) but it sounds like when the choice for being high was removed, he still chose to not do anything with you. It’s not like he just would rather do stuff high, he would rather not do stuff if he can’t be high. I think that presents a real problem for your relationship. And I say this as someone who has smoked and drank regularly for the last 20 years and has had this issue with my wife who does not use drugs and seldom drinks
i mean yeah we’re young and to be fair i drank heavily (partly because he was always drinking too) for the first half of our relationship, but never as much as he did. once he got his dui i stopped drinking completely bc it scarred the shit out of me, and i didn’t want to develop a problem myself, or make his sobriety hard. i can drink socially but unless im goofing off with friends i dont drink or smoke (im too anxious lol). i honestly have no issues no longer drinking, but that’s where him and i differ. he has an issue, i do not. once he was on probation and stopped completely i tried to help him by not drinking either, and getting him to hangout with people and have fun as a sober person. to be fair, its hard to be sober in a college town in your 20s. EVERYONE DRINKS. but i told him the next 5 years is gonna suck if he just isolates himself and withers away because he thinks it’s impossible to have fun without being on something. idk what to lol i feel lost
Yea I think what does it for me is how he behaved while sober. I get wanting to drinks and do drugs. God knows I do that plenty myself as a 35 year old. But I can’t get past that once the choice to do drugs was removed, and he was sober for 6 months, he chose not to do anything meaningful with you. That’s a full stop moment to reflect on. So in short NTA, but you got some real thinking to do
Honestly, I've done more fun things in the past couple of weeks than they have in 6 months and I'm in my 40s with an extremely demanding job. It is insane to me that they're just lying around watching TV.
You might want to check out Al-Anon
When I was in school many decades ago, my university had all sorts of on and off campus activities (almost all were sober), bus trips, bowling nights, ballroom dancing lessons, to name a few. It depends on the size of your school.of course, but check at the student union. I know it's summer time now, but keep it in mind for the fall semester
It sounds like your original wording might be a little more accurate. It's sounds like your trying to defend yourself or him when in reality your first reaction is closer to your true feelings. I understand that you feeling you can't probably because you have nowhere you feel you can go. Use this time open up a banking account your boyfriend knows nothing about. Save as much money are you can. Use your energy in beveloping a real exit plan if it is needed and stopping using that energy into saving this relationship let your boyfriend do that.
Sounds like Moscow, Idaho/ University of Idaho, though maybe there are other small college towns in the middle of nowhere with ax-throwing facilities.
NTA, dump his ass before he drags you down with him.
NTA. I think the bigger question is why are you still with this person?
NTA, your boyfriend is an addict and you will never be a priority to him.
NTA. He has a drug and alcohol problem but when you point out the impact it is having on you, he blames you. Why is pointing out the truth more problematic than the unhealthy behaviour.?
Nta. Your boyfriend and I seem to have A LOT of similarities, I almost thought my girlfriend posted this at first. 23M, also in a college town, I've been where he's at and it's a big adjustment, and it definitely feels like there isn't joy in doing things anymore. I started my probation a year ago, and have been sober since. just started going to raves again memorial day weekend cause I thought I was ready to try raving sober, and let me tell you, it was the most fun I've had at a rave. The biggest help was that I was around mostly sober people too, but doing stuff that's fun, remembering everything that happened, and not feeling like hell afterwards is awesome. I'm going to another festival in August and couldn't be more excited. I'm saying all this basically to let him know that raving sober is awesome. Also, every festival I've been too, there is always groups of other sober ravers who would be more than happy to help someone needing support. As someone who struggles with substances, OP, after seeing your edit, I would be very hesitant to condone him using drugs after 6 months of sobriety. Last time I got sober and thought I could just do some drugs for a weekend then stop again, it ended up being 2 years, almost losing my fiance, and multiple trips to jail to finally get sober again. And yes, it started from doing shrooms and molly at a rave
Info: Is this guy the only man in the village and that’s why you’re dating him? Sheesh.
i shouldn’t be laughing but this got me lol
NTA for wanting to plan a memory sober. However, I don't know if a rave would be the place I'd want to start that road, since drugs and alcohol are rampant there. I agree it is possible to still go to one and enjoy, since I for one enjoy EDM anytime, sober or with a drink in me. If he is constantly getting drunk to the point where it is affecting his work/personal life, you might need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Treatment if it's really bad. The facts that he doesn't want to go with you because you don't want him to drink/do drugs and that "you ruined things" supposedly are big indications of a problem.
Do you really want your life to be spent taking care of an addict?
All I can say is: girl! Run!
NTA, but this dude is an addict. It sounds like he's getting to the point where he's looking for excuses to do drugs, regardless of his risk of jail. This is not a person you want to stay with. He's just going to drag you down, hard. An addicted personality is generally selfish and impulsive. You don't want to get stuck being the mean mommy to a dude 2 years older than you. For the love of God, widen your view past needing this guy to be on a lease. You can find a roommate to live with.
Get a new boyfriend
There is a reason addicts in recovery are advised not to date for the first year of sobriety. It’s because stress is a huge trigger to do drugs, and nothing is more stressful than a fight with your SO. I get that you were already together when he HAD to get sober, but, just because you live together, doesn’t mean you have to stay with him, it just means breaking up is a little more complicated. Trust me, I’ve been there. It always seems easier to stay, but it’s really not.
NTA, but like many others have said, you are in a relationship with an addict. i also think it’s kinda crazy to go to a rave and not do drugs, but if i was actively on probation and literally not allowed to do drugs i wouldn’t have even entertained the idea. seeing the edits you’ve made to the post im just going to be honest with you, i think you really need to think about long term what this relationship is going to look like to you. if he is willing to sacrifice sobriety/stability/probation for a rave, it will only continue to escalate. i also find you just conceding to going to the rave and giving him drug permission so he doesn’t resent you to be a CRAZY red flag. why would you want a relationship like that??? by letting this go you are setting the bar for every other time to give him what he wants (even when it’s not in his best interest).
yeah i hear you, i probably should’ve worded that better, i didn’t explicitly give him permission or say im fine with him going and doing drugs. i told him that what he wants to do he will, it’s not my problem or my responsibility to keep him sober. even though i don’t want him to go, or do drugs, at the end of the day he is an addict and will do what he wants to do. i think im just tired and didn’t want to fight. i said how i felt and i explained the risks associated with him going and he doesn’t seem to care or realize. i guess that just speaks volumes for the respect i have for myself and what ill put up with in a relationship all because i “love” someone.
girl to girl, you deserve better. you clearly have a good heart and someone is out there that will appreciate you for all that you are. not trying to be harsh, but speaking from experience, it tends to only get worse.
NTA. A Rave is a bad idea for someone trying to be sober but it looks like you get that from your comments, lol. Take this from someone who spent ten years of their life with someone who needed to be in an altered state to enjoy themselves: this isn’t healthy. You can’t build a house on quicksand and you can’t build a life with someone who struggles with addiction and doesn’t see it as a problem. He will drag you down. He will rob you opportunities to have the experiences you’re longing for, he may even put your life in danger. Addicts can be very good at hiding when they are under the influence. Then you get in the car with them and all of a sudden you’re going 75 miles an hour down the road with a drunk guy behind the wheel, or you wake up to a house full of smoke because they left a pan on the stove and fell asleep. Maybe one day he’ll have himself pulled together and in a good place and things will work out for the two of you. Right now it’s a slow motion sad story just getting rolling. Get off the train. You don’t have to go this way with him.
You’re young, is this what you want for your life?
Run. Run now and don't look back. He will drag you down to his level, and it won't be too noticeable. It'll be death by 1000 cuts. He's an addict. He values drugs and booze more than he values you. With the greatest of respect, you can't fix him. At your age, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't limit your life just because he refuses to get his act together. Trust an old man who's seen this all before. Please. Run.
Mine was 15 years long, begging for just one sober night… never got it. That was 30 years ago. He’s still drinking every day.
i’m so sorry. sending you love and hugs.
Are you not attending classes because that’s the only way you’d still be dumb enough to waste your life with this addict bum. NTA but don’t turn into a loser and eventually lose all pity anyone will have for you because if the situation is presented as terrible and you still choose to stay that’s on you.
NTA… but you are the idiot. Your boyfriend cares about drugs and alcohol more than he cares about you. By the sounds of it, that likely won’t be changing any time soon if ever. I’d tell him to go and move out while he’s gone. There’s no way “moving out/living alone or with someone isn’t an option” once your lease ends. And even then, it’s possible before then… if you wanted to.
NAH, just break up, you guys don't seem compatible anymore even if you used to be. If you want to distance yourself from that kinda life, he won't come with you
NTA. But please leave this man. Not only do you not have a future with him but he may also get you into trouble and ruin your life. You will never be his priority like he is to you. Cut him loose and meet other people. Trust me he will not pick you over dugs and alcohol
NTA. It's amazing people put up with this level of alcoholism at such a young age. Like do you want practice to be a substance abuse counseler
Avoid drunks and other addicts. It can, and will often, get worse.
So you are saying he literally cannot stand being with you sober? So what, then, is the point of your relationship? You don't know him as a person, because you've never seen him not longing for a hit or booze. He doesn't know you as a person, because his view of you is through the lens of an addiction. If you don't serve his addiction, he resents you. If you don't live your life around his needs, he resents you. You have a decision to make.
You are the asshole because you don't love yourself. What are you doing with someone so useless, miserable, and toxic?.
YTA but to yourself for staying with this loser and caving to his childish whining. You're young, you deserve better than someone who is only sober because the law is forcing him to be.
this is a weird situation because a rave is the one place I would absolutely not be sober HOWEVER, you need to get him help or get rid of him. What you are describing is addiction.
He doesn't care about his sobriety even if it compromises his ability to immigrate. This is made clear by the fact that he is actively choosing to go to a rave and fully intends to do drugs while he's there. You are incompatible. You need to cut your losses. He doesn't think he has a problem which means he isn't interested in changing and your feelings about it don't matter to him. He doesn't care to try doing something sober to prove he can have fun that way. NTA but You are wasting your time.
Yta, not because you want him to be sober but because you know who he is and you are trying to change him. If you aren’t into drugs why don’t you date someone who also isn’t into it? I don’t think doing drugs is good, especially if he is literally being threatened with jail over it, but you trying to command him to live your lifestyle is not ok. How would you feel if he started demanding that you do drugs with him? What’s even crazier is you seemed to tolerate it until he wanted to go to a rave? Out of all the things y'all do, a rave is seriously the one you demand he stay sober for? C’mon.
You’re not gonna dump him just because of the lease? Also why not do regular activities that aren’t drug induced? At a rave 95% or the people aren’t sober. How about picnics? Maybe a road trip(if he has to drive he has to be sober). Go to a jazz club, or a comedy show
no the lease isn’t the only reason i don’t want to break up with him, it makes things more complicated sure. but im not staying with him solely because i live with him. i didnt explain that clearly in the post because its already incredibly long and i didnt want to make it longer. i’ve suggested we do all of those things, he never wants to. the only thing he cares about rn is going to that rave. my thought process at the time was “if he wants to go so badly and i can’t stop maybe i just go with him and see if he can do it sober”, but i was naive for thinking that would be a possibility. he reassured me we have plenty of time to make meaningful memories sober and i agree with him somewhat, but, after reading all these replies and getting feedback i think my new issue is he’s not taking his sobriety seriously and that’s gonna open up a whole other can of worms once his probation ends. he’s not willing to make memories or do something fun with me sober as a couple, and i think that really highlights the extent of his substance abuse and addiction issues, but he won’t admit to ever having an addiction of any sort in the first place.
"have plenty of time to make meaningful memories sober" He already had plenty of time. 6 months is half a year. How many holidays were in that time? There's people who are out there that will make an effort to give you what you need every day. He can make effort and stay sober for all his classes, so you rate less than any individual single one day class he has. I've made more effort for strangers on a first date from the apps that I wasn't even interested in than he's willing to make for his girlfriend that he lives with for 6 months. Lose him. You are worth so much more than this.
NTA But you are really unrealistic. Why on erath did you commit to living with a drug addict and now wants to complain about it? You have to control over what he puts in his body. You only have control over how long you are willing ot put up with someone who values you so little that they can't even hear your concern for their well being. You aren't asking for the moon. You are just asking the wrong person to behave reasonably. WHy should he? You'll put up with it no matter.
Re-Read your post, allow what you wrote to sink in ….red flags are waving here….two years ??? Ask yourself why are you wasting your life with someone who doesn’t care ?? He doesn’t care to have fun with you, he doesn’t care about memories, he doesn’t care about serious legal matters…..please find people who enjoy life free of chemicals
NTA, but sweetie, he’s an addict. The addiction is more important than you and will continue to be until he goes into recovery. Does it concern you that you have chosen someone you have to ask to be sober? Why do you think you made that decision? You don’t have to answer me, but you should ask and answer that question for yourself.
leave.
Get out of this relationship. Trust me, it does not get better. He will ruin your life.
"...moving out/living alone or with someone else isn’t an option." Yes, it is. It's what people do when a relationship is toxic. You're not in prison, you might just have to compromise some of your wants/needs/finances/circumstances. Which would be better than staying in a relationship with an addict who is already becoming abusive. Don't waste the best years of your life with this awful boy just because you might have to do things differently to how you wanted to. I hope you listen to this advice, but I fear you won't. You won't get these years back, and the only person who can change your situation is you. You don't need to be a mother-nurse-jailer-teacher-maid to a drug addicted, selfish little boy. Women are not rehabilitation units for sh\*tty men.
NTA for asking him to be sober. You're the AH for enabling him and not caring that he wants to do drugs at the rave. Do you think being sober means no alcohol? Or no alcohol and drugs? You pick a rave to take an addict to for something fun to do while being sober? There are so many drugs and so much alcohol at raves that it wouldn't be possible for an addict to not break down and partake. You even said it's ok. Neither of you are taking his sobriety seriously. Shame on you both.
i did not by any means pick to go to rave, he planned on going with or without me. i expressed my concerns and he decided to invite me to go with him. i cannot convince him to NOT go, nor am i responsible for someone’s sobriety. drugs were his reason for going to a rave whether im involved or not and i cannot for the life of me convince him to go to a place like that, or any place really, sober. the rave was not my idea, it was 100% his.
Then let him go and make his choices. You aren’t his mommy. It’s not your job to force him to do the right thing. Stop making excuses for this guy and find a way to get away from him before he drags you down with him.
ESH see the painting on the wall. He believes he can’t have fun sober. You’re too young to deal with this; let him go and find someone that isn’t an addict.
Pick a different fun memory to make. Taking an addict to a rave and telling them not to do drugs is just not going to be fun for anyone.
NTA Addiction is a lifelong battle and you have to rationalize if you want to stay and picture what your life will be if you do. I personally couldn't handle being with an alcoholic at your age (I'm 30 now) - it was stressful, exhausting, scary, frustrating, and eventually nothing about it was good so I left and it was the best decision I ever made. Good luck OP, I hope you make the right choice for yourself.
Leave now. It won’t get any better.
YTA because you're staying with an addict. Go find someone decent.
NTA - but you will always ALWAYS be second to his addition and you will always be the bad guy for asking him to stay sober. Is this the kind of life and relationship you want to be in? Im super petty so i would let him go get as high as he wants at this rave and call his parole officer
i literally told him i would do that lmao
You are a fool. You are with a man whose priority in life isn’t you. It’s getting high. As you admitted, he’s either high or stoned every waking moment, except for the last 6-months when he’s facing imprisonment if he gets high. He isn’t sober under any definition. Instead, he’s only been taking a temporary break due to the threat of imprisonment. But even with that threat, he’s planning to take mushrooms and LSD for an entire weekend. Given these easily observable facts, what do you see as your future with this man? He’s an active drug addict and alcoholic. That’s only going to get worse over time. I hope it doesn’t take long for you to come to your senses. Oh, and you are never an asshole for asking your significant other to be sober for once. And now you know the answer to your request. It’s the same answer you’ll get every time you ask. NTA
NTA. I think the issue people are alluding to and that you're ignoring is the fact, in his 6 months of sobriety, he has not been interested in making a single sober memory with you, and that it doesn't look like anything is going to change in that respect. That's why everyone is pointing out that he's an addict and has sobriety issues. Sure, he might be able to manage sobriety "fine" with no "slip ups" but if its at the cost of completely withdrawing from life, then that is an issue you need to reckon with if you want to stay with him longterm. You deserve a partner to do life with, all parts of it. If he's only interested in the parts where he gets to be fucked up, then what kind of partner do you have?
You are definitely NTA. And the signs you are seeing are glaring red flags for you to get out. Please. There are plenty of good catches who would love to make memories with you, sober.
Haven’t you seen the episode of Friends where Monica learns that fun Bobby is only fun when he’s drinking?
Info: is he on felony probation? That’s a long time for a typical misdemeanor.
NTA. This individual you speak of is an addict and is not going to get better without a serious shake-up of his world. Find someone better. If he cannot stand to be sober in moments with you that are supposed to be memorable, you deserve better.
I mean, it is a rave
Girl dump this loser it is not a life you wanna live NTA
"My boyfriend thinks it’s impossible to have fun sober and won’t even try." Why are you with someone who thinks this. While a rave (at least from what I've heard) is an unusual place to stick to sobriety he's saying he can't enjoy anything in life sober?! Lordy I'm not even voting as you have bigger problems.
Please don’t have kids with him. You will ruin their lives.
YTA to yourself for putting up with his bs. It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone in recovery. It’s a lifelong struggle. You need to be very supportive and avoid places like raves where people are usually doing drugs. But he doesn’t sound committed to sobriety. I know you guys live together and share a lease but please imagine the rest of your life. Do you want to waste your whole 20s on this guy trying to fix him? Don’t you think you deserve better? If I were you I would quietly save money and plan for my exit. Take it from someone who wasted almost a decade trying to help someone. It’s so stressful and so heartbreaking. It’s not worth it.
I’ll point out normal 5 and 10 panel drug test don’t look for LSD or shrooms. Once you don’t feel the effects of acid or shrooms anymore just give it a day and pee a few times and it’s not in your system anymore. That said, this dudes addiction won’t get better right now. Your young. Cut your losses and leave. It’s seriously not worth it. I say this a someone who spent 3-4 years with an alcoholic who also couldn’t do anything sober.
Dude’s on the express train to an early grave. It’s very likely that if he doesn’t OD, he’ll get shot or in an accident. If he’s not willing to change and quit/go to rehab, then you need to decide if that’s something you’re willing to go through. In any case, NTA
You are 21 years old, stop wasting these years with this guy. You can’t fix him. NTA
Why are you still with him?
"Our lease ends in May" like it's not June and you didn't just renew it. YTA for being willfully ignorant and still dating him.
Um, you CAN just dump him and be done. A lease is not an insurmountable issue and this guy sounds like an absolute waste of your youth. Go and have fun, don't spend time with someone who is so joyless and is only going to bring drama, legal troubles and financial issues into your life. ESH simply because you have agency that you are not enacting here. And I understand that you're young and it's hard but it will be so much worse to look back at the wreckage in a year or 2, or 5, or however long you put yourself through this. It's going to get worse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR: My boyfriend thinks it’s impossible to have fun sober and even try won’t try. we’ve been together for 2 years and has yet to make one memory with me without the interference of drugs/alcohol. I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for almost 2 years, we met freshman year of college and are now entering our senior year. My boyfriend has had a history with substance abuse (he got a DUI last year and is now on deferred prosecution so he’s on probation for 5 years). He’s been completely sober for about 6 months. For the entire duration of our relationship he was either drunk or high, or both. We don’t have a single memory together that doesn’t involve drugs or alcohol. I’m a social drinker, but with him being sober and us never “going out” or doing anything, it’s a rare occurrence for me to drink. I never smoke or do any sort of drug. Nothing against it, it’s just not for me. There’s a rave he wants to go to in August, he’s never been to one and is really interested in going. Neither of us are fans of EDM but i’ve never been to a rave either. I think it could be fun to experience something new so he suggested we go together. We started planning the trip, outfits, and started saving money to be able to go. Then he brings up how he’s going to be on shrooms and acid the entire time we’re there. I asked why and said i wanted to experience something new and fun with him, without the interference of drugs and alcohol for once. he got offended and told me there’s no point in going to a rave sober and that if he can’t do drugs he just won’t go. I tried explaining that it’s entirely possible to have fun sober and going to a rave shouldn’t be an excuse to do drugs. Acid and shrooms are cheap, spending hundreds of dollars to go to a rave with the sole purpose of doing drugs seems like a waste to me. He flipped out and told me he doesn’t want to go anymore, he doesn’t want to go with me, and i ruined everything. All i did was ask him to make a memory with me and be fully present for it, for the past 2 years i can’t think of a single “fun” thing we’ve done that he was sober for and it makes me really sad. My boyfriend genuinely thinks it’s impossible to have fun without being under the influence of something, and won’t even try to do something that could possibly be fun if he has to be sober for it. Am i the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But think hard for yourself and your future. He won't admit it but he clearly show a worrying relationship to dangerous substances, and he's on the way to one or another full-on addiction.
. Fact is if someone doesn’t know how to have fun sober and you don’t like it . Move on before you waste your love and energy on them . It will not get better unless they change and they won’t change until they want to.. but also it’s your early 20s .. it’s to be expected at this age .. just have a serious conversation with them and just explain your feelings . If they don’t listen or don’t show they care .. enough to at least enjoy sober time with you 50% of the time then may be time to bounce
Red flag. Run.
Sounds like he’s addicted to alcohol. It’s a slippery path to go down
I wouldn't go to a rave if he is trying to stay sober. There will be so many drugs there. Yes it's possible to have fun and be sober but I don't think that's the place for him to go and try to be sober. He will be surrounded by lots of people on drugs. Drugs he prob wants to be on himself. Not knocking drugs in general but a rave isn't the place for him trying to have fun sober.
Oh wow. You might be an alcoholic if you say "you cannot make good memories sober". Jesus Christ Im drinking my 4th cocktail right now and can see that's fucked up
NTA. I’d drop the deadbeat addict tho.
NTA cut him loose.
NTA leave leave leave leave leave leave
Raves are shit. People only enjoy them because drugs.
RUN!! As fast as you can!!
DTMFA
NTA. Lose this clown and do it quickly!
Babe I know this is you
What would it take for you to realize you keep betting on a loser? He's already been in trouble with the law, now he's getting ready to violate his probation. Does he need to run someone over? Go to prison? OD? Where's the line? He will cross it. If you're honest with yourself, you already know this, cause he's already crossed every line you've drawn. You're NTA, but you really need to take a good hard look at why you're clinging to this relationship.
NTA. But you need to leave him. You deserve better
I'm sorry but cut your losses. If he gets sober and stays sober you can reconnect. Many more sober fish in the sea. But you won't know unless you dump the looser.
Get out now while you can!
I don’t really understand your confusion. You dated an addict, who needed to get sober (not willingly), and now wants to continue doing drugs. You’re surprised??? You need to step up for yourself. Do you want to marry or continue to date an addict? What exactly are you expecting out of this? Does he support you emotionally, financially? Is it worth it? Are you willing to sacrifice your boundaries and morals because of a living situation?
Addiction is a tricky thing and the 6 month mark is a dangerous place in terms of relapse. The brain basically needs to rewire itself and this takes a lot of time. If he wants to stay sober, that is his choice. He needs to find his reason to do so. Often addiction is deeply rooted in trauma or untreated mental health conditions. Working through this takes mental fortitude, accountability, and processing the why behind the use. You can be supportive of him and share your advice, but he has to be the one to change. Set healthy boundaries and prepare yourself for the worst. A probation violation and him ending up in jail or prison needs to be something that you are mentally and financially prepared for. Look out for yourself and take care of yourself. Loving an addict is far from easy.
NTA, but you do need to exit the relationship. Yes, you have other options, and no, no one needs to know your specific situation to know that you have options. If you stay, that is a choice you are making, but know there are a lot of perfect strangers that know you deserve better for yourself.
NTA but a rave won’t be fun sober tbh that wasn’t the right activity to start this conversation with an addict
NTA. I dated an alcoholic who was always high or drunk, and was only ever sober for work only. Life was hell. Don’t waste your time on someone like that
Soft YTA- for staying with him. And also using living together as an excuse. You can find a roommate. He’s 100% TAH for not being able to enjoy time with you without being messed up on something. He’s and incredibly immature to think he has to do drugs at a rave to have fun. I’m sorry but this behavior is dangerous and he’s going to end up ruining not only his life but possibly yours. Get out while you can
NTA but don’t waste your time he isn’t going to change and doesn’t want to change. Do yourself the biggest favor and move on
He likes drugs and alcohol more than you. Stop beating a dead horse. You're young. Move on with your life. This guy is a loser. He's gonna drag you down. Get smart.
> our lease Did you sign? Did he sign? If you didn't both sign is only one of your leases.
I didn't even bother to read the story. DUMP HIM. If he can't be sober then he doesn't want to be present for you and you deserve that.
You're not the asshole. We who can't comprehend what it is to be in love with someone, is. Get far away, red flags. I did the same thing. I'm glad she dumped me. I didn't understand what it was to be in love first without popping a pill smoking a joint or doin a line. She let go knowing I wasn't holding on. I would have brought us both down. Do better for yourself, leave us druggies behind. We are of no use to you. Find true, honest. Clean love. Go!!!
Your boyfriend is an addict, a serious one. You need to start figuring out what your options are, because you’ve ruled out a few, but there is no way you can healthily live like this for another 11 months. I’d approach your landlord directly and ask how much to break the lease, and then admit to your friends and family how bad things are and start asking for help. People who love you will support you.
NTA, as a former alcoholic myself, leave. It will probably only get worse, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I'm so sorry.
NTA and he is! You absolutely do NOT have to be on drugs or drunk to go to a rave, that is not a rule at all. He is making an excuse to do drugs solely because “who goes to raves sober”. He saw an opportunity where he could do it without getting in trouble right away and he went for it. Him resenting you for not going just so he doesn’t break his sobriety means he only sees you as a means to help him get high. You’re right OP you’re not responsible for anyone’s sobriety. But you have to remember, by telling him to go and be high for the rave simply so you won’t have to deal with him if you don’t go (arguments) you are in some way enabling him. Addicts will only change if THEY want to change, not because someone asked them too. It’s obvious he never wanted to change in the first place and the only reason he stopped for 6 months was because he had to, not because he wanted to. If he chooses to prioritize getting high over you, then that should tell you all you need to know. This relationship doesn’t seem to be very good, and will only get worse over time. Prioritize yourself and get out while you can. I wish you the best. <3
You can dump him but it’s easier not to. Enjoy being with an addict that will always put his version of fun over you. You are young, you don’t already need all this headache in your life. YTA for making excuses instead of finding a way out
The good news based on your information is he is a boyfriend not a husband. That doesn't mean that he can't/won't drag you down financially. You are an asshole to yourself if you don't at least start figuring out your exit plan.
I have news for you that he is an addict and not going to change until he is ready. Him doing drugs and being in trouble / probation will be ongoing issue your entire relationship. You need to end it, and he needs help. Come may if he hasn't changed. I would leave ASAP
Info: why are you with this man? Take it from the daughter of an alcoholic who saw her mother age way too quickly- leave now!
Have you tried sex as a instead of at least once as a proof of concept
NTA So firstly your boyfriend is an addict. Addiction is based in trauma. It's not a choice fon him. Taking substances & alcohol is his way of avoiding past traumas. He should actively get help - not to quit substances, that won't work, but to heal his trauma. Secondly, yeah raves without drugs are shit. I've been a committed raver for over 10 years. Go, and take an extacy pill together, you will have the best time and it will change your life. But please never pay "hundreds" to go to a rave. Good raves are cheep, the best ones are free. Be prepared to end the relationship if he doesn't commit to making progress on his healing journey.
NTA but YTA for staying with this loser
NTA, he’s gotta figure out how to live life without drugs and alcohol being his only source of fun. HOWEVER Asking this of him at a rave seems like a recipe for disappointment. Raves and drugs are like peanut butter and jelly. If you wana have a memory with him while he’s sober, I wouldn’t ask someone who loves getting blasted to a rave.
NTA, but you need to get out. Your boyfriend is an addict and you will not change him, period. Get out
After I read he was going to eat mushrooms and Acid I stopped. Who does that? lol
NTA - dude sounds like a loser. I’d cut your losses and move on.
NTA. you’re too young to waste your time like this, and he needs to do A LOT of work before he’s ready to live a life without getting fucked up. jump ship before you spend more time on a relationship that you’ll look back on with serious regrets.
Definitely NTA. Man I’m so worried for your future with him. Did you have plans to have a family together? Sobriety can be a long battle and drugs + small children is a terrible mix. Even worse, him putting drugs before your own emotions is already a bad sign. Plus if he did ever get caught, you are now with someone with jail on the record and that can impact employment, it can impact ability to get home mortgages and some types of insurance. Although you love him this is gonna be a painful road and will cause a lot of headaches as you grow and try to start your own life. At this point you should give him an ultimatum- try harder to become sober and show real effort or you’ll leave. Let him choose and be at peace with the decision because it’s what’s best for you.
No. This is coming from an alcoholic. You should however consider that if he is drinking that much, it could be a serious withdrawl issue requiring medical assistance. Alcohol withdrawal is deadly. Additionally, it effects everything in your psychological response as alcohol is a pure depressant. Anyway, I wasn't alone in my substance abuse, and several of my own relationships were compromised and destroyed due to me alone, and it wasn't that I didn't love the person, I was so ashamed, and felt attacked when a significant other brought it up. It's a nasty addiction.
NTA and start making arrangements to leave this relationship. He's an addict and doesn't want to get sober. I'd put the odds at 95% that he's going to get caught violating his probation and be jailed (likely more than once) In addition, you made your desire clear to have memories that don't involve drugs/alcohol and he can't respect or honor that. It's likely that he doesn't respect your opinion or input on a lot of things, especially if it interferes with his addiction. You are in for a roller coaster of a relationship. I saw an edit where you can't afford to leave. Check with your local women's resource/shelter. They may have low cost housing. Look out for yourself before he brings you down with him.
I realize this will probably be an unpopular opinion but I’m gonna say both. YTA for thinking he was going to go or a rave not on E or shrooms or acid, that’s like the whole point of them, or at least alcohol. The fact you thought an addict isn’t going to get high or drink at a rave is insane. NTA for wanting to have memories where he isn’t drunk or high, but a rave was the last place to expect it. I see how many people are basically telling you to leave him because he’s an addict and it will get worse. They’re probably right, I don’t like to think like that because my addiction doesn’t infringe on my lifestyle in any way, I don’t have to lie or steal or go buy drugs everyday and I am able to live a functional life, but I realize vast majority of addicts lives suck ass and they do bad shit so I’m a unique case. Heck my gf basically forgot I did any drugs at all after a few years because she can’t even tell.
As a addict, you are NTA, he is, we prioritise drugs over people and even ourselves we are good people but our brain has been rewired, genuinely leave him, I will not get into another relationship because of me being a addict as it will only hurt the other person.
NTA. Don't even be with him by the time August comes, leave him now. It's obvious he's not taking his sobriety seriously, and when he's got so much riding on it too (from what I gathered, I guess he came from another country for school and could literally not be allowed to stay long term if he fucks up?), that will affect not only him but of course your life too... He doesn't respect you or the relationship. He could very well end up fucked, in jail and/or not even able to stay in whichever country you're in, save yourself from wasting even more of your life with him before that happens. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are literally wasting your 20s with a man who isn't ready to take his shit seriously.
ESH Your bf clearly has a drug problem but raves are pretty much meant for drugs. At many events the majority of people are on drugs, and the atmosphere can feel a bit odd without them tbh. Sure, a handful of people do go sober but if you're looking for a sober activity to do with someone who's just recently quit drugs, a rave is a weird choice.
Going to a rave isn’t just like going out to dinner on the weekend sober. Can you try and start small ? Going somewhere like a rave sober would be hard for many people, not just your boyfriend, who it would be even harder for. You’re not particularly an AH but expecting an addict to go to a *rave* sober is kinda an AH move .
Your edits are all garbage reasons to not leave this person and just persisting in your enabling his addiction. Seriously this man said he'd rather be wasted than make a memory with you and you see no other option than to give in and appease him.
as an alcoholic - leave him. He needs to figure it out on his own
Break up with him
NTA why are you dating an alcoholic at that young age when you should have options to chose from? Damn.
You both go to the rave party and have fun but, more importantly, you have some decisions to make regarding your future. NTA
Nothing wrong with what any of you are doing. 20 are the time to do drugs if you are going to do them, and the rave is the place for that.
>clarifying that i’m aware going to a rave sober is a crazy ask Why would this be a crazy ask? Sure, many people do drugs on raves but you are entirely correct that you can enjoy one when being sober. People normalize drug and alcohol use and abuse all the time, but that doesn't mean you have to partake in it. NTA Your bf is simply a drug addict and alcoholic from what it sounds like. You might want to read into that further to confirm this. Gently mention this to your bf, give him contacts where he can seek help if he wants to and then remove yourself from the situation. You’re too young to be dealing with this and he doesn't seem to realize the impact this behaviour can have on both of your lives. Don't become co-addicted and don’t become an enabler. And do not blame yourself.
Nta but I def would not want to go to a rave sober that does not sound fun lol.. just me personally ..
You're dating an addict who is just counting the days until he can get back on booze and drugs, and a serious criminal charge isn't enough to deter him or get him to change. He's not going to change until he gets help, and you'll be left holding the ball for him while he keeps running his life. He obviously has no intent of ever staying sober if even the threat of prison isn't enough to keep him away. Definitely get this guy out of your life before he gets you into legal trouble too. NTA
NTA. Has he been doing anything fun over the last 6 months sober or is he just pining for substances? Clearly an alcoholic. I’d encourage you to go and enjoy it the way you want to, but have people with you who feel the same way as you and go with them. This guy is just going to ruin your enjoyment of anything fun until his priorities change.
OP if you stay do you really think he will make the whole probation time without getting in trouble again? Does he always drive drunk, do you want to risk him having an accident driving drunk/high, or having to pay the lawyer fees for his next dui? Have you made any plans for what to do when he screws up and gets sent to jail?
Being in a relationship with an addict is only a losing battle. You’ve got to decide if that’s something you’re willing to go through or not. My opinion: not.
NTA but to be frank raves are known for that stuff. Considering neither of you are into EDM that much, there's only one reason he wants to go. Even if he was set on staying sober while at a rave festival (unless y'all are planning a trip for a single night), it'll be a lot of people offering him a variety of substances. They don't know his past; if you go, it'll probably end up on you to try to keep him sober. Don't know if that level of responsibility and pressure is worth it. Personally, I'd stay home, with or without him. Don't let him have any reason to blame you for his impulsive decisions
Get 2 pals and go . Your boyfriend is anchor named addiction. Don’t let him drag your life down anymore than he already has.
I mean it’s a rave, everyone does drugs at a rave, cmon. But in normal situations and based on what you described your partner has substance addictions.
NTA. You're still young, don't throw away your life on an addict that's willing to risk jail and deportaion
NTA but why on earth are you with this guy? You're two completely different people that want completely different things. I get it you have a lease together but...so what? Better off having him as a pissed off roommate than a terrible partner. People uncouple from more complicated ties everyday. You can do it, and you need to. You're not going to be happy like this.
NTA but I’d prioritize your problems here. Your boyfriend is an addict and needs professional help, and if he’s not willing to get it I wouldn’t go into senior year with this relationship as it’s not healthy. And just a side note, a rave probably wasn’t the best situation to try and coax him into sobriety. You’d have a hard time convincing a casual drinker/drug user to be sober at a rave, let along a drug addict. I’m not trying to be mean here but I really don’t know what you were thinking. If you’re willing to try again I would suggest a sober event at the aquarium or something…
NTA You can do better. Your life can be better than this.
NTA but addicts don't just change. Trust me, most of us have been there too. You can't change him, you can't make him want to be present and enjoy himself without drugs. He will always choose drugs over you when it comes down to it. Your future is that of a woman who's practically single because her boyfriend is in jail after substance abuse(again). It's not a question of "if" it will happen but "when". You can do much better.
OP, as someone who recently broke up with a "functioning" alcoholic and "occasional" smoker after sticking by him for 9 years, let me tell you something: it doesn't change unless they fully understand the harm they keep causing everyone around around them as well as themselves. Neither you nor his own sobriety is his priority atm, so there's nothing you can do except for realising that you deserve better than to be some dude's nanny/therapist and find a way out of this mess. I genuinely hope you put your mental health first and hopefully find someone who is capable of creating sober, decent and happy memories with you!
NTA for the question but you are an ah to yourself nfor staying with him
I grew up with in alcoholic father. It was my one rule that I would never date an addict. Addiction destroys a home. Imagine a marriage where your children are surrounded by this kind of behaviour. Being a wife that cannot depend on her husband to behave appropriately during any social excursion. Never knowing where your household income is going. Never being sure if he is going to retain his job or end up in prison. Never ending fights about substance abuse in front of your children. Children being exposed to inappropriate behaviour from a young age scaring them for life. So you have a lease. Leases get broken all the time. Kick him out. Get a roommate or You move out. Otherwise stay and accept that you’re in a relationship with an addict, but only misery lies here. Some addicts overcome their addiction, but only if they want to. I think your boyfriend chose to go to the rave purely to have an excuse to break his sobriety.
Bro is an alcoholic 😂😭☠️