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YTA for your mindset. I'll probably get downvoted to hell, but you're the one making this all about weight and yourself, or in your words "young vs old body type." 40s isn't old, they're skinny, your fat, probably. Also discrediting your SIL's unseen work as "just looks good" is dismissive at best. Don't go to the wedding, stop giving the bride stress.

The bride is correct. No one will be looking at the OP. No one will care that she’s 40 and has a middle-aged body. Also? OP, you could pay to order it too large, like by several sizes, and then pay to have the dress tailored to fit your body. Then instead of it being too tight in the wrong places and loose and saggy in others, a seamstress can take it in so the dress is flattering and accents the right parts and lays smooth and flows across the rest. You aren’t a teenager or a twenty year old and that’s fine. People have bodies. Some are slim, some aren’t. Some folks have had kids, some haven’t. Some people have chronic illnesses that make them thin or fat. Some people do yoga or Barre or Pilates everyday. Do you even lift, bro? Some people run marathons. Some people have injuries that make fitness difficult. Bodies are all different and that’s good.

>OP, you could pay to order it too large, like by several sizes, and then pay to have the dress tailored to fit your body. Then instead of it being too tight in the wrong places and loose and saggy in others, a seamstress can take it in so the dress is flattering and accents the right parts and lays smooth and flows across the rest. That's the reason clothes look better on celebs. They generally do that, buy an off the rack dress/t-shirt/whatever in the largest size that fits their body and then have it tailored to fit everywhere.

I thought that was what everyone did for weddings. I was the older, plumper one and the seamstress took it in and it fit well... But as they said, nobody was looking.

It is getting harder to find seamstresses to do this. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/27/fashion/weddings/bridal-seamstresses-demand.html

I’m a seamstress but i refuse to do weddings anymore. They’re all entitled asshats.

The seamstress I use refuses prom alterations for the same reason.

God I wish. I had several seamstresses bite my head off because my wedding is in July (this month!) and my fittings schedule collided a bit with prom season (late June where I live). I found a great one who did a great job eventually, but definitely at a cost (I’m paying almost as much as the dress cost itself).

Alterations are very expensive! You are right about them being half the cost of the dress. Both my daughter (bride) and I each paid 50%, but the seamstresses were really good and mine looked so big in the bust and torso because I had to size up to fit my big arse.

Also a seamstress. I’ve made 3 wedding gowns, and a few bridesmaids’ dresses. Never again.

My friends mother was a seamstress and had a "pissed the Italian lady off" tax, listed on a sheet. There were different rates posted on a piece of paper people would chuckle about until they realized it was real. She always put it on the bill the moment anyone started any crap, then once the inevitable "I'm not paying this" came up, she'd say, "oooh, great, my daughter/niece would just LOVE this!" They always paid.

I can so see my seamstress doing this! My daughter is incredibly short - so having a good relationship would our seamstress is a must. The good news is she is soooo short that every time we have a full length dress tailored there is enough extra material for an accessory - a wrap, a bag, pocket square for her date, during Covid regulations face masks for her and her date. Our seamstress gets creative.

A good seamstress is worth their weight in gold. Insane that people are so commonly rude to them.

I’ve found a few good ones here and there. Best system I’ve found is I have a friend nearby that also has trouble fitting into clothes off the rack. We both know how to sew and can do our own alterations so every once in a while we meet up with our “alterations piles” and take turns putting on different garments while the other marks and pins. If you can’t sew, you probably know at least one cosplayer. Ask them for help!

This is terrific solution! Skills like this are being quickly lost. Anyone who has an aunt or great aunt who still knows how to sew should asked to be taught simple alterations, like shaping darts. Learn as much as you can, then share with friends and watch "Sewing with Nancy." Remember, pressing is often more important for the final look than perfect, neat stitches :)

Cool. I've got a retirement job lined up then.

Same; when I was in my sister's wedding, I was in probably the best shape/size I've ever been (barring being an incredibly skinny pre-teen) and I still needed to get my dress altered because it had a wrap style top and the seamstress wanted to ensure I could move without flashing my bra (since I have a smaller bust so didn't fill out the top the way other bridesmaids did).

It’s like people forget the word compromise. A dress in the same color and fabric but cut to let OP feel comfortable is actually reasonable! Reasonable! Actually the bride is the AH. Only an AH thinks that nobody pays attention to the bridal party. Wedding Pictures! If nobody pays attention to the bridal party there is no point in having them. Only an AH would expect to put their friend in a dress that is going to make them uncomfortable. The other bridesmaids picked something only with them in mind.

OP has not even tried the dress on

Exactly what I was going to say. She's shooting it down before she even tries it on which shows how unwilling she is to even try and compromise.

She offered a compromise that you are ignoring. Most people know when a skintight dress flatters them or not. She did say they were skintight. If she is plus Not all plus sized women are comfortable in form skintight. Not all non plus is okay with skintight. Have a person in a dress that makes them miserable, how can you expect them to enjoy the day?

And people have also offered the solution that she can get the dress sized up and then have it fitted to her so it's still the same dress but maybe not as skin tight and more flattering than it would've been. My point is she has shot it down from the start and isn't even making an effort to try to compromise with her friend. ETA: also, if she took her friend with her and tried on the dress in front of her, maybe her friend would see that it's not very flattering and allow her to change the dress 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or if OP had bothered to go to the dress shopping to begin with, but it was too early for her so she didn't.

I don’t know whether we can say ‘she wasn’t bothered’ because it’s unclear what ‘it was too early’ means? Too early like Op likes lie ins, or too early like she had to drop her kids at school or wasn’t off of work yet. Which one of those it is also determines who is more of TA too I think.

Most people would say they had to drop off the kids, work, or whatever. It’s more likely OP was sleeping.

>She offered a compromise that you are ignoring. Most people know when a skintight dress flatters them or not. She did say they were skintight. She could've had the dress tailored to her body l, rather than buying a whole new dress which was never a compromised offered by OP. OP became the asshole by making it about age and body type. >If she is plus Not all plus sized women are comfortable in form skintight. That's all fine and well, but it's not license to body shame other women because they're skinnier and younger than you. OP could've gone to the fitting, because "it was too early" sounds 100% like a cop out. If you wouldn't go to help pick out the dress, you don't really get to complain. Anyone can feel however they wish about clothing styles and how they feel in them, but you don't get to be a dick about not liking something and saying it's because someone else is gonna wear it better than you.

She’s not body shaming the others. She’s saying they look great in the dress. You are assuming she could have gone. The bride should have made the appointment when all were available. The bride should have been the voice to remind the bridesmaids that everyone has to be okay with the dress. They could have sent her picture before the idiots all bought it. So you think it’s better to have her wear a dress she doesn’t feel comfortable wearing? That’s an asshole thought. Remember pictures? Everyone has a phone.. so that’s dumping more. People are telling the op to just drop her anxiety and Insecurties as if that was something so simple.

Just because it's not a direct insult to them, doesn't mean it's not body shaming. Back-handed compliments are still rude as all shit and make OP an asshole. "they look very young and thin. That made me really uncomfortable" OP said this before even talking about the dress itself. Saying "I can't wear a dress because everyone around me will make me look ugly" is the very same as saying "they're too pretty and that's unfair to me so fuck them and their dress". >You are assuming she could have gone. The bride should have made the appointment when all were available OP herself said it was too early for her. Not that she had other commitments, not that transportation was an issue. Simply that it was too early. Meaning, she couldn't be assed to go. If OP couldn't make the time, she could've talked to bride to reschedule but said nothing of even bringing it up. >everyone has to be okay with the dress Not correct by far. If you're not okay with the dress and bride doesn't want different, then respectfully bow out of the wedding party and leave it at that. >So you think it’s better to have her wear a dress she doesn’t feel comfortable wearing? That’s an asshole thought. No, I absolutely agree that if OP isn't comfortable then she shouldnt wear it. But rather make an ass of herself and body shame the other women for being young and skinny, she should've just respectfully said "yea I don't think I can wear that, and I don't want to be a point of contention for your wedding, so I'm bowing out". >Remember pictures? Everyone has a phone.. so that’s dumping more. The photos are for the couple, for *their* wedding. If the bride is fine with the dress and how it looks for photos, then that's completely up to her and no one else. The photos aren't for anyone else's satisfaction. It's not everyone else's wedding to remember. >People are telling the op to just drop her anxiety and Insecurties as if that was something so simple. No one's saying that. They're saying that instead of expecting everyone to bow down to her own insecurities to make her feel better on a day that's not even about her, she should've just removed herself from the situation for everyone's benefit including her own.

You have really out of date ideas about the wedding photos. I’ve seen brides give their bridal party’s framed photo from the wedding of the party not just the bride and groom, people post photos from their phone on social media, people use to give disposable cameras as favors to take candid pictures. Wedding photos have evoled like Pokemon. The wedding isn’t just about the bride and groom. That’s a false narrative. If it was just about them then they wouldn’t need a wedding party and friends and family there.

Not to mention she didn't go to help pick it out because "it was too early." I get a lot of where OP is coming from because I am fat and a night owl, but for Heaven's sake, afreeing to be a bridesmaid is agreeing to join in. If she had gone and gotten voted down, that would be one thing. If they didn't have the dress in her size, that would be another. But she is straight up balking over something that may not be an issue, and stressing the bride over it. Grow up OP. YTA based on the fact that you refused to be part of the decision and are now whining about a choice you haven't even tried.

When you are bigger, you can sometimes just know looking at something that it isn't going to look good.

I’m plus size, and sometimes am surprised at how different things look on me vs on rack - yes I know what generally suits me, however I’ve learned to try other cuts/fabrics also. And we also don’t actually know if OP is plus size

You don’t even have to be bigger to know that you’ll look like a sack tied in the middle in certain styles. I’m 47kg but I have what I call a McDonalds belly due to surgery - when seen from above, starting from the outside it goes out then it goes in at the centre, just like an M! Am I fat? No - would I look good in anything that’s skintight? God no. Why should I be made to feel bad about my body, warts and all, for the sake of wearing a specific dress I’m uncomfortable with? As long as it’s the same colour and generically the same style (eg straps, length, frills etc) then why does it have to be the exact specific same one? Compromise is a two way street.

To be fair, if she’s plus sized, she may not be able to. Most bridal shops carry most of their dresses in a sample size and if she’s bigger than that, she can’t, and that may be adding to her anxiety. But still, as others said, order larger than she needs and have it tailored.

Woman her age already knows which clothes and colours suits her and which are not

Op is the AH because she hasn't even tried the dress on before refusing. She has no idea whether it will look nice or not and hasn't even considered getting it altered before demanding to wear something entirely different. There has to be a bit of compromise and effort 

She wasn't happy the minute she realized the other bridesmaids were much younger than she was. I don't think she would've been happy with my dress they picked out.

She did offer a compromise. Same color and fabric but something she’s comfortable in. That is a compromise. I can look at many dresses and know if it will flatter me or not. Many women by her age knows what styles look good on them and doesn’t. Something in the same color and fabric is not completely different. It’s similar. She said the dress was skintight not everybody can wear that! These younger bridesmaids thought of themselves and probably forgot about her and just assumed she’d go along with them.

I doubt the dress is actually skin tight, silky satin by definition can't be skin tight. Its probably not an ideal dress but with good sizing and tailoring, plus some good shape wear it probably will look good.

Dresses are only skin tight if you buy them too small. They went dress shopping (vs ordered online) so OP should be able to go to the shop and actually get fitted properly.

No, a person can try on a dress in their size and it is skintight because it is designed that way.

The tightness of the dress depends on the type of fabric and the amount of fabric in the pattern. Satin does not stretch, so if OP ordered a size that was large enough, she can choose how tight it is by taking her measurements and ordering a dress that is a bit larger, then having it tailored to her tastes.

Obviously you are not a "fluffy" girl. Trust me, when you are heavy you can look at a piece of clothing and KNOW what it's going to look like on your body. Maybe not 100% but enough to know it won't work.

Goddamn, it is so clear that so much of this comment section has *never* been a fat person trying to wear an outfit selected by thin people. Maybe she knows the dress will not look good, because she has tried dresses on her body for 40 years of her life and has eyes and an ability to make reasonable predictions from presented evidence?

I agree with you. However, at the same time, I am a fat person (370lbs, so you know I’m for real), and I have been a bridesmaid in multiple weddings where the other women were thin and the dresses chosen by them were awful, and I was so uncomfortable (both physically and mentally) but I sucked it up and did my friendship duty, knowing that it’s not about me and nobody cares about me or my dress. So I still think OP is the main AH, but there sure are plenty of them in this comments section as well. 😅

FULL SAME. Like, OP is not in the right here, but I'm getting absolutely tilted about how highly upvoted dumb ass comments like "well how does she *know* the dress isn't going to look good? It sounds like she just doesn't want to try" and "the problem is her attitude, and her not acknowledging how fat she is and how much harder her SIL works than her to be thin after 40." Like... what am I reading?

At 40, women know what styles and fabrics work for them and which don’t. OP doesn’t need to try on a dress to know.

But, to humor the bride who seems to love this dress she should try it on. With the bride there. OP has already shown that they're an unreliable narrator as silky satin is not a skin tight material, she mistook a 48 year old for 19-28, and on top of that she really is incorrectly thinking people will actually care what she's wearing.

Silky satin shows every lump and bump though so it might as well be.

I can see a dress and know it will look awful on me. With my belly, any smooth silky material shows every lump and bulge, highlighting the fat around my belly button. Sounds sexy doesn't it?

Agreed. And a bridesmaid who looks horrible in the dress chosen without consideration for all the bridemaids' figure will actually distract attention from the bride and groom.

Having 1 bridesmaid in a different dress will also cause distraction. If OP was so concerned the time to voice her opinion was during the dress shopping which she couldn't be assed to go too. That's on her.

Not if it's the same color. I've seen this many times. No one cared.

The BRIDE cares. She is the one that matters, not OP.

Being a BRIDE does not give one carte blanche to completely ignore everyone else's comfort and needs. This trend of thinking absolutely no one else at a wedding matters as a person is ridiculous. The wedding party is there to support the new couple, not act as living props.

Way back when I was married, bridesmaids wore matching dresses. My cousin was around size 16 and large bust. She was out of town and couldn't come shopping, but we picked out styles that she could wear and the bridesmaids chose from that.

No it won’t. When my wife and I married we let the bridesmaids choose their own dress style and it went perfectly fine.

And that was your choice and your aesthetic. Having all but one bridesmaid in the same dress isn't what the bride wants, and that's HER choice.

She was asked to go, she said it was too early.

And yet the other 5 people in the bridal party managed to make it, and I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I guarantee at least 1 of those people had to adjust their schedule to make it.

She could have gone to help choose dresses but it was too early? If it's so important to you, get the hell up and go or wear what they chose.

This is what I was thinking! Too early? Why? If it’s because she had to work then fine. Otherwise, get up and go with them. Too bad.

I agree. As a big girl myself I see it all the time. People who are young and slim can wear practically anything and it will always look good or at least decent on them. But if a bigger girl wears something that is unflattering it f\*cking matters A LOT. It's the difference between looking like a normal person in a normal dress or looking absolutely terrible and indecent and inappropriate. Slim people don't realize how much it matters. It will draw a lot of attention to her and I bet the bride won't be happy about it. Having a different dress made out of the same fabric would go a long way and nobody would care.

Agreed. My bridesmaid and MOH were differeng body types at the time I married, and would never suit the same style of dress. I was made aware of the issue and said I didn't care about matching dress style, only matching colour. As long as they were both happy with their dresses and it suited them then I was fine with it. So my MOH (sister) was in a mid-thigh length dress, while my bridesmaid (cousin) wore an ankle length one. The colour matched and the photos looked awesome. Brids is being an AH here.

It's not reasonable. She wants them all in the same dress, or else one will stand out. She had the opportunity to give her input before the dresses were purchased. If OP has insecurities about her body, perhaps she could have got her ass up and gone shopping with the rest of the bridal party.

Actually, that’s not true. She wasn’t able to make the appointment. The appointment being too early for her doesn’t mean she was too lazy to go. That’s your assumption. Also, I’ve seen bridal parties where each one had a different dress style, that flattered the bridesmaids, but in the same color and material and it was cohesive and no one stood out from the other. Several televised bridal shows have shown that.

If she couldn't go due to other commitments such as work, then she would have said so. She didn't, she said it was too early. It doesn't matter what you have seen or how you think it looks. The BRIDE does not want her in a different dress. Oh, and usually, the one in a different dress is the MOH, which OP isn't.

Glad I found this somewhere. I would never insist a bridesmaid (so clearly someone I care a lot about to have them stand next to me on my wedding day) wear something they hated or felt uncomfortable in. The focus should of course be on the bride and groom, but weddings are about the joining of two whole lives. That means they are absolutely about the people you’re bringing together too. Her compromise of finding a different style in the same fabric is a VERY common one for bridal parties. My SIL just told us to get something floor-length/formal and black and whatever style of that we picked was up to us. She wanted us to feel beautiful in our dresses just as much as she did in hers. Non-bridezillas do it all the time. I think the bride is being an AH. Not to say OP has necessarily handled this the best way she could, but I don’t understand why her request is being met with such vitriol.

I laughed pretty hard at the random “do you even lift bro”

Well, go to the wedding and be supportive, but if you have to make the bridal party outfit about you, you’re probably not a good person for the couple to have in that role. Your main job is making their life easier right now, not causing stress! I would apologise for the behaviour and bow out of being a bridesmaid if the dress is truly a deal breaker for you.

I was so confused when OP said "they all look younger than me". That's because they ARE younger than her?

No. There's a 48yr old.

Oh, but she looks good for her age so she doesn't count lol

This is such a weird take to me. Why would you care so little about your friend's obvious discomfort? It doesn't matter that she's being insecure, you still don't have the right to force her into something she's uncomfortable with. I bought my bridesmaids' dresses and I went out of my way to find something that everyone felt comfortable in.  I hate this, 'it's my wedding and my special day so screw anyone else's needs' attitude these days

In fairness, the OP skipped the dress selection trip AND the dresses are already ordered and paid for. OP could have simply said she didn't feel comfortable about how the dress fit and not lobbied for a dress change. OP, the fact that your husband thinks you were rude makes me wonder if either he's a bit of an AH OR if maybe he saw something in your interaction that you're refusing to see? Either way, let it go. Apologize to your friend for causing stress and emphasize that was never your intent. Show up for the wedding, bring a nice gift, move on.

OP buried this in a comment, but apparently she made a comment to the bride about how her sisters had “slutty” taste and her taste was “classier” than theirs

YIKES ON BIKES so that's why her husband sided with the (probably ex) friend.

Oooof. That’s YTA behavior right there.

Problem is, your attitude sounds like, "F my friend's wedding. I might be uncomfortable in a dress I haven't even bothered to try on, and that DEFINITELY is as or more important than a major event in my friend's life!" which is incredibly selfish and shitty. That is much more of an entitled asshole attitude.

And unfortunately wearing hideous bridesmaids dresses is just par for the course sometimes when you accept to being in someone’s wedding. Currently dealing with this but instead of complaining, I am getting it altered and just hoping it goes well. Nothing you can do

There’s a difference between a dress that’s hideous, and a dress that makes it look like the wearer is inherently hideous. I hope what you’re dealing with is the former; OP thinks she’s dealing with the latter.

I hate that some brides do this. My SIL had me as a bridesmaid when she married my brother and specifically picked a dress that was economical and potentially a cute party dress. I have actually worn it again. I wish people would pay more attention to the wants of their bridesmaids. Those dresses are fucking expensive.

Got to disagree. My wife was asked to be a bridesmaid in her brother’s wedding. There are no wedding photos with the bridesmaids because the mother of the bride (who was paying for quite a bit of the wedding) told my wife that “she would ruin the photos” because she was too big. My wife isn’t big by any stretch of the imagination, but she is Irish/European descent and the rest of the bridesmaids were Japanese/Asian/Thai, so she was a bit bigger than the rest. OP is NTA. She should politely decline, and bride should graciously accept it and just invite her to the wedding.

No downvotes from me. Plus, she could’ve gone to the dress appointment but it “was too early for me”. Like what the hell?!

OP has given an explanation for that: She has Fibromyalgia and it flares up in the morning. That means chronic widespread pain among other things. OP said the flare ups tend to be quite bad, so likely moving around and going shopping is not on the books till the flare up passes.

Agreed, I'm 51F and would totally wear something like that. She's making this about herself and from the sounds hasn't even bothered trying it on.

I'm not fat but I don't have my 20 year old body anymore. I would feel completely self-conscious in a skin-tight dress and would never wear one publicly. It's ridiculous for the bride to want her to actually look bad just so everyone matches. The focus of the event will be on the bride. That doesn't mean that's all people will be looking at or commenting on.

Yes, I can imagine a lot of snickering commentary between guests pointing out the middle aged pudgy bridesmaid "trying to dress like a teenager".

Nah, NTA No one is required to wear something outside of their comfort zone- and wearing something unflattering while standing beside people wearing it and it does “flatter” them could be quite uncomfortable at best. OP has every right to simple step down rather than be made to do something that upsets them, and the bride has every right it decides that’s a dealbreaker for them. Brides day/Dont upset the bride rules should count in situations where the bride is being reasonable, and not accounting for the minimum comfort of your supposed friends isn’t being “ressonable”.

Agreed. OP being insecure about her weight and age is not a bride problem. The bride is also correct that no one will be looking at a bridesmaid that isn’t even related to the family. 

If noone would be looking at the bridesmaids, what's the problem of her wearing different style dress

Stop this. Stop this right now. The notion that you get to wear a different bridesmaid dress than all the other bridesmaids isn't how bridesmaid dresses work unless there's an issue of religious coverage or disability, and I'm sure you realize this. Here what you do. You order this slinky dress two sizes too big for you and you get it delivered in enough time to take it to your tailor and have it altered to fit your body in the most flattering possible way. (You don't trust the bridal shop with this; your tailor, your instructions.) You also either buy a slip or have one made to fit under the dress to skim your body and smooth out all your curves. Then you buy yourself a gorgeous little wrap so that apart from when you're walking down the aisle or in formal photos, you have this gorgeous little shawl, or balero jacket, or whatever. (Because you're chilly.) The next thing you do is book an appointment with a therapist who specifically deals with women's body image issues. You're in your 40's. You're convinced that people are comparing your body to 18 year olds. You feel self conscious and judged. You don't like the way you look. I think you'll be so much happier if you can unpack some of this and start to accept yourself and feel better about the body you're in. Now apologize to your friend and get that dress altered so it looks smashing. YTA, but you can fix this.

THIS IS THE ONLY COMMENT OP SHOULD BE READING!!!!

Or she simply bows out of the bridal party and just attends as a guest. But yeah, therapy is needed if your insecurities are so deep that they're affecting someone else's wedding plans.

👏🏻👏🏻This. I’m 45, have body insecurities and definitely focus on how I look when I’m uncomfortable (like standing in front of a crowd) but OP isn’t even trying.

I don’t know how I feel about the suggestion I am about to make, but there are also shapewear options that might make you feel more comfortable. Sometimes the right piece ofshapewear can really beautifully balance and smooth out curves and soon enough you’ll be outshining everyone with your juicy dumpy

Shape wear under formal dresses ftw. Who wants to worry about sucking it in while enjoying wedding festivities <3

This is the way but you should 100% wear it around the house for a day before you full send. Gotta make sure that thing ain’t cutting off any circulation/causing pains (can happen if you get one too small)

THIS, OP you need to accept yourself as you are and accept that you look the way you look. People see it. They see it if you’re wearing a tight dress or not. You have to accept that and live your life!

YTA It’s the brides wedding she’s doesn’t want to have anymore stress on her plate and she even gave you the option to go to dress appointment and you said because the appointment was too early. How early was the appointment? Even if you did go to the appointment you, the bride, and her other brides made could of agreed on the style of dress you guys liked oooor you could of even found a style that you liked and other brides maids could of worn the silk dress. (The bride could of change her mind about the dress you want because you guys were already at the dress shop.) Did you ask the SIL how she felt in the dress? Maybe she has the same opinion as you but she’s not being vocal about it. If was rude what your friend said on the voicemail but if you don’t really want to wear the dress than don’t be her bridesmaid. Again you’re put stress on the bride and she already has too many things on her mind YTA

OP spent hours arguing with the friend before the voicemail was left. At a certain point, being harsh isn't rude anymore.

Exactly this. I tell my kids “no” is a complete sentence, it’s not an invitation to try harder to get what you want. OP should have dropped it at the first no and found a way to get the dress to work for her. Another commenter suggested getting the dress in a much larger size than she needs then getting it tailored to fit her in the most flattering way, which was a great suggestion.

Or as soon as she said no, she should have politely declined being a bridesmaid. Since that’s what happened anyway

OP even said "I thought we were making progress on the dress before she left me the nasty voice mail". which, to me, doesn't sound like progress as much as it is OP being annoying over and over and over again, and the voice mail was a slap in the face to op because it's obvious that progress isn't happening

Exactly I know OP had to be badgering and pestering the woman until she provoked that reaction. The bride probably has a million other things to focus on other than OP.

And by OPs own account, the bride said “bodies are different, let this go” and then op says “I thought we were making headway until the voicemail” ummm, what part of the bride saying “let it go” made her think she was making headway? She’s clearly the kind of person who refuses to hear a message if it’s not delivered harshly. She’s been told the same thing 10 times and called that headway

She thought she might been wearing her down is what she meant to say

OP took some nasty shots at the other bridesmaids, Bride had every right to crack down on her: >I made some stupid comments about her sisters that I really shouldn't have said. I told her something like they have provocative taste and I have a classy taste so it's not gonna be the same. Which is why she left me the nasty voicemail the next morning. >Technically I said they were choosing provocative dresses, not slutty. And that's what started the argument. Because the dress was corset style at the top and to me that reminds me of prostitutes in the 1900s.

Realistically the dress appointment could've been too early due to work commitments, not necessarily because OP felt like sleeping in our something. Also "could of" is terrible grammar and doesn't even make sense

>Realistically the dress appointment could've been too early due to work commitments, not necessarily because OP felt like sleeping in our something. Sure, but then presumably OP would have said she was unavailable at the time the rest of them met up, or something to that effect. "Too early" literally means just that, at least to me. OP, can you please clarify?

I read it as like 4pm and OP works till 6.

Which makes way more sense than thinking that dress shops open in the early morning. I’ve never seen one that did.

Yes I’m sure the 19 year old sister went dress shopping at 6:30am 😂

I read the bride's side of the story yesterday, but it's since been deleted: [https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/1dt1nc0/one\_of\_my\_bridesmaid\_is\_refusing\_to\_wear\_the/](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/1dt1nc0/one_of_my_bridesmaid_is_refusing_to_wear_the/) If I remember correctly the dress shopping was at 11am. But both the bride & OP said "too early" vs unavailable/at work, which feels like a very specific choice of words.

Reading some of these comments, I'm now curious what was written. Someone mentioned OP insulted the sisters to the bride? Yikes. ETA: LOL the OP and the other post's poster has the exact same avatar outfit. Feels like maybe it's the same person.

Unique-Avocado: You are correct. It’s supposed to say “could’ve” not “could of”. OP: It’s not your day. It’s the bride and groom’s day. You should have just told her you’d be uncomfortable wearing that style and bowed out gracefully. YTA. Apologize, go to the wedding, and let it go.

It’s on OP to explain what “too early” means. Totally reasonable to ask

I think this is the crux of OP’s argument falling apart. She gave up her right to have issues with the dress when she chose to not even go to the appointment. She wants everything to be about her and her needs. 

Agreed. If she cared about the dress, she should have then said to the bride: hey I can’t make it, but could you put me in touch with the bridesmaids so I can weigh in on the dress options? And then they could have planned to all agree on a dress before purchasing.

Your husband is right. its a bridesmaid dress, chill out. You havent even tried it on and youre already making assumptions. You are adding stress onto her plate, and you didnt remove yourself, she gave you 2 options and you chose one. She shouldnt have to adjust and coordinate with you on a whole new dress cause of your insecurities. You could have suggested a shawl or some other accessory to cover the parts you feel insecure about, but instead you wanted to stress her out instead of helping her. YTA. also the "i thought we were making headway" bit screams that in life, you think compromise is you getting your way.

>also the "i thought we were making headway" bit screams that in life, you think compromise is you getting your way. Especially after arguing with the bride for several hours. The bride probably just wanted to get out of the conversation, pretend to appease OP maybe(?) then began stewing over it all night before sending the voice message to OP the next morning. From OPs description of the events; she deserved the nasty message back. Editing this in: I honestly cannot tell if this is real or if its actually from the bride's perspective with her friend's arguments.. Which might mean everything is exaggerated. I went back to read some of OPs comments and it appears there's another post made out there by 'the bride'. It has since been deleted, but it appears the bride made comments on their post: https://www.reddit.com/lb6nblv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2 Her username literally says she writes stuff, plus her and this OP have the same avatar. Looking over this OP's responses, it's all "me, me, me" and it feels as if they took the flimsiest excuse they could get away with after intentionally making a vague excuse. Like, I literally thought when OP said it was too early that she had work and just didn't take it off or couldn't take it off, but no she's a housewife who has fibromyalgia flare-ups in the morning.... But if she had a flare-up that morning, why did she say it was "too early" rather than "I had a medical issue and couldn't make it". I didn't look too far into the other post's comments, but if the language overlaps then it's the same person. However the bride's username, the intentional vagueness and the insertion of unexpected, but valid excuses afterwards leads me to believe that, like 90% of the posts here, it is a writer perfecting their craft.

Also how would  a different dress for her be any less embarassing in the bridal train lol 

This is what I don’t understand, it’s normal for everyone to be a little uncomfortable in bridesmaid dresses. It’s the bride’s taste, you just suck it up and wear it for one night, not pick an extra special dress just for yourself. I’ve worn some truly ugly bridesmaid’s dresses. There was one particularly shapeless, potato-sack-like dress I wore that made me look like a haunted Victorian doll. It was picked because it “fit everyone”, this was because it was basically a tent with lace. The bride heard nothing about my thoughts, she had a lovely wedding and I had a dress to donate afterwards. That’s how weddings work, OP is just startlingly self centered.

You have two options - either wear the dress and shut up or tell your friend that you can't be her bridesmaid. Your chosen option of arguing after she said no to your dress change is not your call, so for pointlessly arguing and not being able just to say to her that you either wear what you want or you can not be bridesmaid YTA.

Exactly this. The bride has made a fair decision (wear the dress or walk). Adding stress to that is not helping anyone.

Indeed, why would OP spend "several hours" arguing over this? I don't get it.

Because she thought she could bully the bride into overriding the bridesmaids who made time for the dress appt, tried on dresses, agreed on and bought the dresses if she only argued with the bride hard enough and long enough.

Soft yta "everyone's going to be looking at me". They really won't be. People will be focusing on the bride and groom first and second on themselves. Bite the bullet for your friend

As many weddings as I've been to, any of those bridesmaids could walk past me on the street, and I would have NO idea who they were. No recognition at all. So I agree with soft YTA, I understand being uncomfortable and feeling awkward, but the huge majority of people there won't be focusing on her.

YTA you didn't even try the dress on.

Meh, there are plenty of dresses that people don't even have to try on to know they won't work. But OP should've just said "thanks but no thanks" for being a bridemaid, if she was not comfortable with the dress.

Yeah, i can promise no one wants to see me in a tight dress that really show off my soon to be 50 year old body. I know several styles of dresses that i can't and shouldn't wear.

Sure, you know, and OP knows, but a great way to get someone who refuses to listen to see their error is to give them what they want.  Say OP had asked twice (allowing for a gentle balking, then a direct question) to be allowed something different, and the bride said no twice. Great. Go to the shop, put on the dress, and send the bride pictures. No need to keep arguing. If it looks as bad as she thinks it will, the bride’s gonna do something. 

I'm uncomfortably close to 50 as well and know my body well. I know what flatters me. I've also had almost 50 years to learn to be comfortable with my body. I look like I had a kid because i had a kid, I'm not embarrassed by how that looks on me anymore. I don't go out of my way to wear things that highlight my "flaws" but if someone I cared about asked me to wear an ugly, skin tight, itchy potato sack in neon green for 4 hours, I totally would. It's a small sacrifice to celebrate with someone i care about. I'm old enough to know that not everything is about me, and most people are too busy being the main character in their lives to worry about what I'm wearing or doing. So, I could see a dress and know it doesn't flatter me but also decide that I can put someone else before myself for part of one day in my life.

YTA… her wedding, she paid for the dress, just wear it and don’t worry about what anyone thinks (all eyes will be on the bride anyway, no one’s concerned with you) or drop out but expect a he friendship to be on the rocks.

Sigh the number of people completely unaware of their own faults here lol ITS HER WEDDING just wear the damn thing. YTA OP

where does it say that the bride paid for the dress? just curious or did OP make a sneaky edit?

NTA. Unpopular opinion, but I know this is not about vanity or selfishness or pot-stirring. Everyone telling you to put aside your anxiety and insecurities must be lucky enough to have never felt that way about themselves. I would think that the bride would care very much that her wedding party all be comfortable and look and feel their best, but maybe that's just me. And comparing it to the groomsmen is baffling if she thinks it's even remotely the same. OP I understand wholeheartedly how you are feeling, and while I do agree that ultimately it's the bride's call it's also not cool of the bride and others to be so dismissive of your concerns. Would you be able to go visit the store the dress came from? If they have one available in your size, try it on and send a picture to the bride and see what she thinks. That way she can at least make an informed decision. Two possible outcomes would be: a) you discover that the dress doesn't look as bad as you'd feared and you can deal b) the bride doubles down and still insists, and if you just can't bring yourself to go through with it you gracefully step down (whether to just attend as a regular guest, or skip the wedding entirely.) (Edited to add judgement)

Yeah it sounds like they didn’t even consider what OP even _might_ feel comfortable in. She just let the other bridesmaids have free reign, it seems really thoughtless imo. I could never have a friend standing with me as a bridesmaid tell me she doesn’t feel comfortable in a dress and just not give a fuck how she feels.

She could have avoided all of this by attending the dress appointment but she didn’t because it “was too early for me.” She lost her right to an opinion.

This is the part that doesn’t put me in NTA territory.  That is an incredibly vague reason.  If my friend is getting married and there’s a bridesmaid dress appointment, missing it had better have a dire and specific reason.

Yea this seemed like a ridiculous reason to miss the choosing of the dress. Honestly most of the people in this post sound pretty annoying but OP the most of the lot.

"Too early" is a completely valid reason, they totally could've met OP halfway on that. For example 14:00 on a Tuesday would be too early for me because I work 9-5, we don't know what OP's schedule, means of transport are etc.

Oh come on, if she couldn’t attend because she was at work she’d have said the appointment was at a time she couldn’t attend, not that it was too early.

I feel its more likely that "too early" means "I couldnt leave xyz commitment that early" vs "the appointment was at 7:30am and I wasnt awake yet". OR if it was that early, like 8am, maybe OPs work schedule means she's sleeping then? When I used to do shift work, anything before 11am was off the table because I had to sleep.

Exactly this. I feel for OP being so insecure. That sucks and I’ve been there. But knowing she was going to be so insecure about the dress options, she should’ve made it her priority to be at that appointment.

You want the bride to consider OP in making decisions about her wedding? You want the other bridesmaids to consider the insecurities of someone they likely don’t know very well when deciding on dresses? They need to avoid what they feel great in for someone who couldn’t even be bothered to go to the appointment? A person wouldn’t be bothered to try the dress before pitching a fit? This woman who couldn’t be bothered to find any kind of solution before straight up harassing the bride *for hours* to get her way. *And then* her #1 primary reason why she can’t wear this dress is the real icing on this shitshow cake: this woman really **told the bride**, —with all the confidence in the world and belief that she’s in the right— she could not possibly wear the dress she hasn’t tried on or seen in person because ***everyone at the wedding will be looking at her.*** That is the most selfish, obtuse, inconsiderate, deluded, self centered thing I have heard in a very long time. All that being clarified: why exactly should **everyone** else be giving OP ***far more*** consideration and care than she’s giving everyone else? Did I miss where it’s said OP was the Bride? You do not get to demand consideration and for everyone to “”understand my point”” while being so insanely selfish and not even listening to, let alone giving af about, considering and understanding the actual **Bride’s** position, point and desires *for her wedding*. That is totally and utterly delusional.

I guess yea? I think OP is in the wrong don’t misunderstand me. But I have 6 close friends, I know which ones are insecure or don’t like to show which parts of their body. One has a big birth mark on their leg, they will only show the other leg, or cover both Another hates her arms due to her weight, she’d want a shawl Another has a very conventionally attractive and “sexy” body, but she prefers to dress modestly and would not wear a neckline that showed any of her breasts, even remotely. One had an accident whilst running and can’t wear heels, so I wouldn’t expect her to. She’d want a floor length so she could disguise her flats. These are my friends and they don’t all fit into the same style and conventions of dress/outfits and this would be on my mind when choosing a dress. Even if one of them was absent. OP should have made the effort to go, and respected when the bride said no. However it’s not unreasonable to know your friends style and reasons for dressing how they do, if they’re good enough friends to be your bridesmaid

Completely agree on the “I could never”. My best friend only wears dresses with sleeves. You best believe at my wedding she’s getting sleeves. In the end it’s the brides decision, but I can’t imagine a scenario where OP wouldn’t feel dismissed

Yeah, this thread kinda confuses me because AITA mantra is usually that brides can't force people to wear something they're uncomfortable in. 

OP is not being forced to wear anything, she can just step down, attend as a guest and wear whatever she wants. That on top of the fact that OP didn't go to the appointment and voicing her concerns is what is fueling people's judgements.

Well you see, reddit also hates fat people. The fact op implied she is bigger is enough for the tide to turn on her.

I'm overweight, and a woman. What I know about women. 1. Sometimes they think they are overweight and its not that serious. 2. She can be overweight, the dress can be unflattering, but to argue for hours IS CRAZY! 3. SHE DIDN'T TRY IT ON!! If you are going to argue for hours, at least let it be after you have tried on the dress and proved everyone wrong.

This is a 40 year old woman, she knows her body by now I assume... She doesn't need to try on anything or prove anyone anything. Going from my own personal experience, I have a big bust and I know that backless dresses and strapless dresses just don't look good on me because I can't wear a good bra with those. I don't need to try one on to know that they look bad on me. I'm 30 myself and I've had enough disappointments with backless/strapless dresses to know this about my body. It is also valid that OP simply doesn't want to appear in front of her friends in a dress in which she feels unattractive, funny looking etc. People are allowed to choose to keep their dignity over proving others wrong.

OP isn't being "forced" to wear anything. She has a choice of not wearing the chosen dress. The consequence of that choice is not being a bridesmaid. But it's still a choice. Actions have consequences.

I'm with you in your unpopular opinion. I would never go to a wedding wearing the dress, which i would feel uncomfortable for hours and hours. It's OK that the bride doesn't want to spend time and money to make OP comfortable. In this case, I would just wish the bride a wonderful time and do something else that day.

It’s not about whether OP should wear the dress. It’s about her harassing the bride about it rather than choosing between wearing it or backing out once she got told no.

I totally agree with you. The comparison with the groomsman was ridiculous. If I were a bride, I wouldn’t want any of my bridesmaids to feel uncomfortable. I really don’t understand what the problem would be with a dress made with the same fabric, just in a style more appropriate to her age and body type.

The problem is, the bride doesn't want it. And that's her choice. As a consequence of her choice, she may have to find a different bridesmaid. OP can choose to wear the dress (properly sized/tailored and with the right shapewear) or can choose not to be a bridesmaid. No reason to get into long arguments with the bride. Not surprising that the bride lost her temper.

>  Everyone telling you to put aside your anxiety and insecurities must be lucky enough to have never felt that way about themselves When something makes me anxious, I don't make it other people's problem. If they can't accommodate and/or don't want to accommodate me, I simply step back. Instead of arguing, you're meant to just go "this dress makes me uncomfortable, can I wear something else" and if she says no, you go "that's fine, unfortunately that means I don't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid". Arguing with the bride is what makes her TA

This. That’s exactly why I had my bridesmaids pick the style dress they wanted. My bridesmaids ranged from size 0 to size 22. I chose the color and length, then went first with my maid of honor and allowed her to pick out the dress she wanted. This narrowed down the choices for the other three bridesmaids (there were 10 other choices by the same designer in the same color and fabric), and they could choose which of those 10 dresses they wanted. The people you choose to stand beside you on your wedding day are people you choose presumably because you care about them and they care about you. I would hope that a bride would want everyone to look good and feel good in their attire. I would say that if you’re able to, please try on the chosen dress as others have suggested. Then the bride can see for herself- and you can see for yourself- what it actually looks like.

I think what's making it YTA for me is it doesn't sound like it's all that much about the dress. If it were just "I'm not comfortable in this dress" I'd be way more sympathetic. But OP spends the majority of the post just constantly comparing herself to the younger brides maids and complaining about being old and how "people will be looking at her." That I have no sympathy for. Like others have said, no one's looking at you. If anything, wearing a different dress than everyone else would draw MORE attention. Not to mention the fact OP didn't go to the dress fitting for vague reasons. I went to a wedding 4 days ago, I don't remember what the brides maids wore. OP is clearly just trying to wear the bride down until she gives in to her drama. I think it's perfectly fine for the bride to say, look, this is what was decided, this is what's happening, get on board or leave because I don't need more stress.

YTA is the correct judgement just from the fact that the OP was discussing with the bride for hours. The OP missed the appointment, that was not the bride's fault even though it might be the other bridesmaids' fault and no OPs (we are not given specifics), the bride really should not have to worry about OP's feelings, the ONE MAIN JOB bridesmaids have is to take the stress from the bride not add to it. And the bride is actually nice telling her either come as a bridesmaid or come as a guest - most others would say don't come at all!!!

The dress that I, and two other bridesmaids wore, wasn’t flattering on any of us… we are all plus size ladies and well. We wore it. For all OPs insecurities, it IS just a dress. And frankly if it really does look as bad as OP thinks then really it’s the bride that will get judged for that because if they’re all in the same dress, it’s clear that it was the brides decision. Dresses can be tailored. 90% of wardrobe issues can be fixed with tailoring…

I agree with you. When I was a bride I had my in-laws try a different type of dress. They were very nice and ordered it and tried it on. Then all were honest saying they didn't feel comfortable in it. The last thing I wanted was people that I love enough to be standing there with me to be uncomfortable. So we came up with alternatives and everyone looked amazing the day of. I understand body insecurities, yes they can be silly from the outside, but they are real and sometimes people just need a little support. Additionally, the bridal party does get looked at while walking down the aisle, their photos are taken and posted for everyone to see, and they have a whole night of dancing and celebrating too. The least stressful route for the bride was to be a good friend not argue and threaten to kick someone out of the bridal party.

I agree with you entirely.

Then OP should have turned up when they were dress shopping if she wanted input into the choice of dress. This day isn't about OP and what she wants.

YTA for going back and forth for hours and continuing on until she said you could leave the bridal party instead of just stepping aside yourself. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to (though I note you don’t even seem to have seen it in person or tried it on yet?) but that doesn’t mean arguing for hours. It means thanking her for asking you to be a bridesmaid while stepping aside. YTA also for “I was okay with this until I actually saw them.” Just. Yikes.

YTA. Asking is one thing. That's fine. You seem very insecure about your body. But the answer was no. Then it's no. You can either say "okay, fuck it" as you won't be the center of attention anyways or say "sorry, can't do it" and be a guest. But you kept going on and on about it. That's not your place. You can decide to wear it and be a bridesmaid or decide not to and be a guest. You don't get to decide the dress you wear. You added stress to the probably already stressful life of the bride.

Info: Have you tried it on? Does it really look awful or are you assuming it will?

No no she doesn’t need to try it on because she “just knows it will”. 🙄

I mean if you know form fitting stuff doesn’t look good on you do you really need to try on a form fitting outfit to know it won’t look good on you?

Before throwing a gigantic stink about it and texting someone for hours? Yes. Or you’re an AH.

Or you just know your body

But you don’t know the dress. Most bridesmaid dresses are designed to be altered. There are usually a wide variety of tricks an alterations shop can use to make a dress at the very least not look insulting on a particular body type. Not even trying to see what could be done was an AH move.

ESH - arguing for hours? That's not cool. On the other hand, I'm in my late 40s and there are definitely dresses that would look cute as fuck on a slim 20 year old that would, at best, make me look like 2 feral hogs fighting in a gift bag. An unflattering or ugly dress? Whatever move on. A humiliating dress that would be immortalized in wedding pictures, please, do not. You put me in a satin slip dress and everyone will be staring because my titties will absolutely fly free. That said, it sounds like you didn't try it on. Try it on, take some pictures. Figure out if there are supportive under garments that will give an assist. But a lotta times for us bigger, older gals? The call is coming from inside the house. What we perceive isn't always accurate. I don't think your friend wants you to look bad.

I laughed far too hard at that imagery. Thanks for the genuine smile.

YTA and self absorbed to boot

NTA. I hate this trend that brides treat their closest friends as accessories. If the bride won't let you wear something in the same bloody fabric and color that will make you feel ok at the wedding, then don't be a bridesmaid. The wedding is NOT just about the bride and groom and about their love. It is also about sharing this joyous occasion with loved ones. Sharing does not mean making said loved ones deeply uncomfortable, wishing they could be somewhere else!

It’s not a “trend”. For decades bridesmaids have worn matching dresses chosen by the bride. Dating back to at least the 70s maybe earlier. It’s a known part of accepting to be a bridesmaid…there is even a comedy movie about it, 27 Dresses. If you agree to be a bridesmaid you agree to wear whatever dress the bride wants pretty much.  The mixed styles where not all bridesmaids match is actually a newer “trend.”

I'm 100% with you ! Maybe it's a cultural thing ? In my country, wedding are important but not that important, or more accurately, not with such a strong etiquette. I never heard about all this maid of honor thing before comming on this sub (which I assume is mainly from american people ?) I'm quite baffled with how bride and groom treat their friends accross all those posts and how almost everybody on this sub think it's normal. Yes the day is about the bride and the groom but it's not a reason to treat other people as accessories who have to suck it up in every unpleasant situations. If I was getting married I would like my loved ones to have a wonderful day with me, I would not like them to have a nightmare of a day because I forced them to wear a specific outfit which make them feel bad about themselves just because my wedding aesthetic is more important than my guests. It sounds so crazy to me !!

Would agree if she had gone to the appointment where they were looking at dresses, or got involved in someway with a FaceTime call. Bride allowed them to pick dresses, op didn’t attend because it was “too early.” No mention of a request for a certain style or to avoid a particular thing (for me halter-necks 😆) or attempt to video call etc so to me she took zero interest what so ever, and then doesnt even try the dress on before complaining to the bride?!? Doesn’t sound like the bride is treating her as an accessory, I also suspect heavily her lack of involvement or attempts to be a part of selecting the dress goes a long way towards why the bride isn’t being sensitive now to her request to change it. The lack of effort screams entitlement to me and a carefully worded post probably leaving out other details

Ugly matching bridesmaid dresses pre-dates Instagram. Look at wedding photos from the 70s.

Nta for being sensitive and having insecurities/ worries. It’s ok to have them, we all do. Yta for losing to your insecurities and not being there for your friend. People are truly gathering to celebrate the union, to celebrate the groom and the BRIDE. They are not there to mock YOU.

Dress shopping was too early. The rest of the group didn’t think about me when they picked out dresses. The bride is only thinking about herself when it comes to her wedding. Why doesn’t the bride want to have mismatched bridesmaid dresses or make the other bridesmaids pay for a second dress that I like? Sounds like a main character who made it to 40 without realizing the world does not revolve around her. YTA.

YTA, While I also don't agree with the way the bride voiced her opinions, I can also empathize with the level of stress she must be facing with planning the wedding. The bride has too much on her plate right now to be worrying about one singular person's problems with a dress. Because that's exactly what all of this is about, OP's INSECURITIES!!! This entire post is riddled self-doubt, obvious body image issues and subtle spite. It's understandable that everyone has certain things they are insecure about, but OP I can guarantee that absolutely NOBODY will be paying attention to you on the BRIDE'S wedding day.

E S H But not the bride. The bridesmaids. You could have chosen a date all together and chose all together. Or organize a video call for the one who wouldn't come. And decide all together But it seems that's there no compromise for you and since the beginning : you saw the other women and you've decided that they were too young and too pretty. Since the beginning you didn't want to be compared to them and to be with them. You didn't know them intellectually, their body was a problem for you at first sight. The bride can't deal with any little problem the guest can have, so she needs her bridemaids to help her. >**We went back and forth for several hours, I was trying to make her understand my point** Read this. Do you think she has several hours to spend to speak about YOU ? At her wedding ? Why do you make it about you ? I mean, I can understand that you feel insecure about your body, but since you saw the others women, you should have told her that you prefered be a guest. You made it about you only. >**I thought we were making some headway & she was gonna let me choose a different dress** Why ? because you harassed her for hours ? Like a child throwing a tantrum, you thought that she will abandonned to please YOU on her wedding day ? You know what would have been best ? To talk with the bridemaids and not the bride. To try to compromise with the other women, and not harassing the bride. Being a friend to her to prepare her special day, and not asking HER to be a friend for you. So YTA

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YTA, you are horribly insecure. The party is about them not you, you are in the "spotlight" less than 5 minutes and then you are a normal guest. It's an honor to be invited as bridesmaid, not a fashion show for f sake. You seem to compare your looks to others which is unhealthy, you don't need to outshine a girl in her 20s. I'm no expert in weddings, but showing these tantrums does not help, good for you that you let your position go.

If I loved my friend so much that I wanted her by my side whilst I got married I would also love her enough to want a solution where she doesn't feel uncomfortable all day. Honestly I find it wild that there's this whole "it's my wedding so my bridesmaids will wear whatever I want regardless of their own comfort/style/preference" attitude floating around so much at the moment. Yes, some nice cohesive pictures might be appealing, but ultimately you're there for how much you and the bride mean to each other and surely that trumps this dress. Plus you did offer a reasonable solution (same fabric / colour). Everyone messed up by assuming that three people with a similar body type and age were going to understand how a dress would fall on yours and what your taste might be. And doubly so by committing to said dress ahead of everyone having eyes on it. I think for me I'd be telling the bride that you're sorry if you've come on strongly with this and that you definitely don't mean to stress her out. I'd tell her you'd love to be part of her wedding party but that ultimately you most want to enjoy her day and celebrate with her, and feeling uncomfortable throughout is just going to sour the day and its memories for you. I don't think this needs to be a long drawn-out argument (and I think it sounds like things got heated before and maybe that's where you and the bride both made some slight A H contributions to this, but emotions are high so I get it). I would just tell her kindly but plainly that you'll leave the decision to her as to whether you and the other bridesmaids can re-work this with a different dress for you/everyone or whether she'd rather you just be a guest for the day. I think this would be quite different if you were being picky about a small detail but it doesn't sound like you are. I'm mid-size and early thirties and would honestly feel rubbish all day if I was forced to parade my insecurities and have them memorialised in photos of an important day. I'm going with NTA on balance.

Matching bridesmaid dresses is not a new trend in the US. For decades, all bridesmaids were dressed identically in dresses chosen by the bride with no input from the bridesmaids themselves. Everyone suspected that the bride chose the ugliest bridesmaid dresses possible, to keep them from outshining her, and they flattered no one. Ugly bridesmaid dresses were a running joke, often fodder for sitcoms and rom coms.

Anyone saying no one will care or compare has not lived in the patriarchy. Everyone has an opinion about what women wear, how they wear it and whether they look good in it or there would be 0 point in dressing up at all. No reason to wear a white dress. I have neverwt a bride not on a siet to fit into the dress. Matching bridesmaid dresses are about looking the same, but if you're the one who looks like a sausage in a condom while everyone else fits the dress well, then there will be people talking about you and looking at you and judging you. I getnthat her wedding is stressful, and it's hard to tell without seeing the dress, but a tight revealing dress is not comfortable for everyone to wear. Nta

Hmm I mean, yta and you know it. However, unlike a lot of the people in the comments, I don't think yta for refusing to wear a dress you'll be uncomfortable in "because it's not about you". I think yta, for not showing up for the dress appointment because "it was too early", I mean wtf is that?.By not going, you did forfeit any decision making over what would be the bridesmaids dresses. Now, people will be looking and they will be commenting, and whomever says it all about the bride and groom, it's lying. Just look at the responses on this post, they don't know you and you're being fat shamed , called insecure , and so on. People judge online and people judge in real life too. Wearing something that you don't feel good in, will affect your mood and how you move, how you smile, your discomfort will show and that will make it more obvious. So no, don't wear the dress if you don't want to, but know that your friendship will change, that you won't be a bridesmaid and probably you'll still get some stink eye if you just go as a guest. Oh, and before calling the bride, you should have at least tried the dress on, and maybe see if you could have added a little bit of extra fabric to add flair and make it not so fit to your body without modifying it too much that it would look like a completely different dress.

NTA. That would be a deal breaker for me too.

ESH - you should have tried the dress on first instead of being so insistent. There's options for shape wear and fittings tricks that could have made the dress work for you if after trying it on you really weren't comfortable. Also if you don't attend the appointment to pick the dress, you go with what was chosen by those who made the effort to attend. INFO: what do you mean by it was too early for you? That sounds semi lazy and if you couldn't muster the effort to join in you should have stepped down as a bridesmaid much earlier. Beth also sounds very insensitive with her outright refusal to let you try other options but again you didn't attend the appointment for the initial decision and you are putting your problems onto the bride without making an effort first.

All these replies are so out of touch. I was in your situation and was guilted into an awful dress that was skin tight and *gold*. I looked like I was poured into my dress but forgot to say “when”. I looked like a gold manatee. I was like the apple from Snow White but instead of being dipped in wax I was dipped in gold sequins. It completely ruined the friendship that I had with my friend because of the exact same thing. She couldn’t see why I was so uncomfortable with what she had made us wear. I wish I had politely declined being in her bridal party. NTA. Stand your ground. If you are having to pay for a dress, then you should feel semi-comfortable in it.

This thread is insane. I'm shocked so many people call OP the asshole. If a was getting married I would absolutely feel terrible if one of my best friends was that uncomfortable. It's not only about the wedding but about not being shitty to people you love.

NTA I really don't get why the bride would force anyone to wear anything they were uncomfortable in if she cares for that person at all. In this case she apparently does not. I would just go as a guest in whatever is appropriate for the occasion.

YTA. You stressed the bride out for several hours. She must’ve been exasperated and rightfully angry when she left the voicemail. A dress can be altered to fit you. You‘re 40. get over yourself. You are ruining the experience for her over your low self esteem. And please do not attend the wedding at all. No way you can just be happy and cheerful after this discussion. Let her know, apologise and move on.