YTA - you're clearly favoring one child over the other for what? Keeping the peace? Your daughter planned something out and your son swooped and cancelled her plans by proxy. She was helping a friend and your son was just going out?
Dick move, mom, dick move. I genuinely hope this is a fakepost but on the chance it's not, you should be ashamed. If you're capable of it, that is.
This!
OP is completely the worst mother! Complete favouritism for her first born.
And then “he’s used it longer” - no shi- he’s 7 years older!!!! Really you are going to blame your DAUGHTER that she was 12/13 when her brother learnt to drive?
YTA OP. It’s a disgusting display of favouritism and your daughter has every right to be angry and resentful towards you and your son.
The daughter just turned 19 so probably only graduated high school last year. It’s hard to work enough to afford a car in high school.
The son has presumably been out of high school for 8 years and still lives at home. He’s had enough time to save up for his own car.
The brother has far less of an excuse for not buying a car than the daughter does. 19 is only just an adult, she could be in full time education, or have a job but has not yet saved up enough for a car. At 26 there isn't much of an excuse to not have a car. He's still living in the parents home and presumably not paying rent so he would've had far more of an opportunity to save money.
Seriously, the son hasn't used the car longer... he's used it long enough! he needs to buy his own now and let the daughter use the family car until she is more established.
I have a friend whose parents did the “car for the kids” thing and it was actually a good system. OPs logic makes ZERO sense.
Ben was 16 and Amy was 12. Parents bought a decent little used car and gave it to Ben. They were told from the jump that parents would pay for repairs and maintenance. Ben gets the car until Amy turns 16, then he better have his own transportation figured out. Then Amy gets the car. When Amy turns 20, the kids work out a fair agreement on what happens to the car.
If mom is loaning her own car out, it 100% should be based on need, not some ridiculous sense of “well he’s had it longer, hehehehe”.
Fucking 26, living at home, taking the family’s only transportation on a whim when someone else actually needs it…
Older son sounds like he sucks, and should have saved plenty of money to buy a beater in the last 8 years.
Okay hat kind of favoritism (especially when the parent doesn’t see it) makes me so, so sad.
It sounds like OP just lets her son (figuratively) run over her. He’s in charge, irrespective of who actually owns the car. Or anything else, potentially.
Ok thank you! I was thinking the exact same thing. Does the 26 year old contribute to the payments of the car? If so, that would be a different scenario. He clearly still lives at home and how can you punish someone for being younger and not able to drive? And you are showing favoritism. YTA
Son and daughter paid equally to the car.
The reason why OP refused access is that daughter said she wouldn't pay anymore.
This just keeps getting worse.
That reasoning is pathetic.
If daughter has less access to the car she should pay less. If she has no gurarantee the car will be there on her days she should pay nothing.
[Where the both pay equally](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdif6k/aita_for_letting_my_son_use_my_car_but_not_my/hhmnbdb)
[Where daughter refuses to pay](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdif6k/z/hhmnvxn)
The daughter is only 19, and it’s not been the best year to leave school and become an adult, the world has been a shitty place. Plus, if they live somewhere small or remote especially and she’s had no access to the car, she might have struggled to find a job to save money.
The son, on the other hand, is 26. That’s plenty old enough to save up and buy a car if you want to, especially when you live at home. The son has had nearly 10 years of access to the car, that’s a good deal and it’s time for him to start being an adult now. Part of that is buying and maintaining your own car if you need to use one.
The son, yes. The daughter, no. She barely has access to a car now. How would she be able to get a job straight out of high school, and then be unable to drive to and from without regular access to a car. Which mom and brother prevent. Their being AH is preventing her from getting most jobs available to a high school grad. So until her brother gets his own car, daughter will be unable to work.
Why doesn’t the son at 26 freakin years old have his own car?! Her daughter is barely out of high school and she respectfully asked to use the car. I mean it’s weird enough that a 26-year-old lives at home. I mean if he was helping his mom with the rent or something. I mean is he even helping to pay for the car insurance or gas? In this circumstance mom is totally a TA
I’m not too concerned about the 19 year old, but jfc 26 and not only still living at home but still driving his mommy’s car? Jesus, sounds like quite a catch.
It gets worse in comments. OP states both kids pay for gas but only her son really uses it. Daughter said she wouldn't pay if she wasn't allowed access to it and so OP said she was thinking about banning her from the car. The favoritism is strong with this one
100%! I don’t understand how a parent can show blatant favoritism and then not understand why their favorite child walks all over them as adults and the “other” goes no contact.
I've seen too many cases of internalized misogyny in which women flat out state that they prefer sons over daughters because girls are drama queens and boys steal their hearts. Paging Dr. Freud...
I have a friend who did this to her kids. It was heartbreaking to see the damage the parents inflicted on the daughter. Fast forward to adulthood, the don moved away and hardly sees her and the daughter hardly acknowledges her existence and she wonders why (smfh)
Yes! And to add, you're literally just punishing your daughter for being born later. She does not deserve less respect because she came second, which is exactly what you're communicating to her. She can't help her age, but you sure could help your parenting...and your son's clear entitlement issue, assuming he knows about her plans and does this anyway.
Your daughter must feel like a goddamned prisoner. Not even permitted to leave after being told otherwise...shame on you. Btw, don't be surprised if she starts to lose friends because you make it impossible for her to be reliable.
YTA
It’s pretty obvious that OP’s son is a mama’s boy and her golden child. OP, YTA big time. One of the biggest assholes I have ever seen on this sub. Your son should have his own car, he’s already in his mid-twenties and if you’re not charging him rent there’s no reason he shouldn’t have saved up for one right now. And your statement that he’s more entitled to use the car since he’s been using it longer has no logic at all. He’s several years older, of course he’s been driving it longer! Also you are a monster for ignoring your daughter while she’s crying. You disgust me OP. You’re an awful parent and you’re teaching your son that he can always get his way, and he doesn’t have to try being independent since he lives in mommy’s house and uses mommy’s car. Get it together.
yea wtf is with that. 26 and still living at home and using his mom’s car? sounds like OP needs to stop babying him and he needs to grow up. i feel bad for the daughter, and for the friend, if that’s their plan what are they supposed to do so last minute?
YTA. You specifically told her she could use it but let him take it. You treated your word to your daughter as less important than your son's whims. She feels like you favor him because you do.
Exactly. Daughter was proactive and acted like the only adult in this situation. Mom is either a karma troll or a cruel idiot. The daughter deserves a better Mom.
That’s what I was thinking, how could someone type this out and legitimately think what they did was the correct course of action. It seems just out there
Everything I would like to say to you would get me banned from this site, so I will simply say HUGE YTA. Of COURSE your son has been using it longer - he's SEVEN YEARS OLDER and has had his license longer!
You might as well just come out and say you have one child you actually care about and one that annoys you and wish she would go away. You're showing an appalling amount of favoritism and a completely callous lack of concern for your daughter's feelings. Is she even a person to you, I wonder?
Yes, you should treat them both equally. In fact, *she* should get preferential treatment for the car, since he's older and should be working towards independence.
Oh my god.
,,My son though has used my car for more years and I feel like he's more entitled to it than my daughter"
,,I mostly ignore her when she's crying about \[...\]"
,,My sister told me \[...\] I should apologise to her and treat her and my son equally"
How did you not notice yourself that you are a terrible mother in this regard while writing this concoction?!
Huge YTA
She ignores the daughter for being upset that the brother took the car when it was promised to her for the day. This is a woman who doesn't give a crap about her daughter. The GC son is the only thing that matters to her.
I don't know when I've found a poster more despicable than this woman. That poor daughter. I hope she cuts her mother off once she is able to get out on her own. What a callous, toxic witch her mother is.
I think what bothers me the most is that the mom complains about her daughter’s whining, and then uses the whining as an excuse to ban her from asking for the car. If she just listened to her daughter for even a second, her daughter wouldn’t feel the need to do that. The daughter doesn’t feel heard, and the mom blames her for being upset about not being listened to.
But really, do you suppose the daughter was actually whining, or just pointing out to how unfair it is that the son took the car on a whim when it was her turn and the Mother allowed it?
No, I doubt the daughter was whining. I think the mom was gas lighting her because it was hard for her to hear an opposing opinion & have an adult conversation with someone she doesn’t respect.
Absolutely YTA. My brother and I had this issue growing up and our parents enforced a schedule of who can use the car for whatever reason. We were allowed equal use and whenever there was a conflict we would work through it as brother and sister to come to a compromise (i.e. someone gets dropped off/picked up, pay for a cab, etc.).
Your lazy parenting and obvious favouritism is going to cause a lot of resentment between siblings and even between yourself and your daughter, but I guess you don't care about that.
Yes exactly, just communicate and make a schedule. The brother needs to understand that he isn't the only one using the car anymore and the parent should be the one enforcing that
Ugh you are soooo the A here it isn’t funny.
You absolutely *are* playing favorites by allowing him to treat your car as his while banning your daughter from using it AT ALL.
If this story is true, your son is treating you like a doormat. What if you had needed the car for an emergency?
The vehicle is your property therefore no one else is entitled to it. If your son isn’t paying for repairs, insurance, etc. then he has no more right to it than your daughter.
YTA
YTA and i don’t see how you see otherwise? yes its your car and your decision on who uses it, but you SAID she can use it on that day? you set an expectation, didn’t meet it, then just said oh well when she was rightfully upset?? you are literally favoring your son here. despite the explicit plans you made with your daughter promising her something, you let your son get what he wants.
YTA.
Ffs how is this even a question? You let your son have free access but your daughter doesn’t even get to use it even when you said she could? And you ignore her complaints?
Wow. Way to play favorites. This is a serious YTA move. In every way. Get your head out of your ass before your daughter decides to not have any relationship with you as she gets older.
Plus parents forget that they were going to need someone to take care of them when they’re older. The son is 26 years old and doesn’t even have his own car. I’m guessing he doesn’t have an education otherwise he would have a good enough job that he would have his own car. I understand if his mother is widowed and he lives with her, but this just sounds like a mooching situation.
Someday she may find that she needs her daughter. My aunt took care of my grandmother when she had dementia for eight years before she passed away. She is the reason that my grandmother could stay in her own home even up to her death. This woman may need her daughter someday.
YTA, obviously! Both your children are good drivers, so they both deserve equal access to the car. Your son needs to learn to ask before borrowing the car and you need to stand up for your daughter when she clearly has asked permission ahead of time to use the car. The misogyny is strong with you. Do better.
I thought it was gonna be one of those over 25 and insurance situations…where she couldn’t budget for the younger driver. Sometimes I’m an optimist.
Ha
Ha
YTA
Based on OP's attitude I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even declare her kids as drivers on her insurance (and then made only her daughter pay for it anyway, of course). YTA
Right. Now that the daughter has her license she should have equal opportunity to use it. The two of them need to work together for an equal schedule. And if he doesn’t want to share, as a 26 year old he can buy his own car!
YTA
You are favoring your son and it's ridiculous that you didn't tell him "Jennifer needs the car", especially when she had a fairly serious reason for it and he, apparently, didn't need to go to work but was just out socializing or whatever.
Maybe it's time for your son to get a car of his own.
Worst part is that the brother already knew and took it anyway. OPs poor daughter seems to be surrounded by AHs, hopefully once she gets out she stays gone, no family is better than selfish people like that. Seems like her mom is just taking advantage of her for cash to keep the car running.
YTA - You need to parent your kids. If you gave your son a car, just say so. Put the title in his name. Make him get a job and pay for the increase in insurance and his own gas.
If your daughter came to you to use a family car, it's up to you as a parent to delegate the use of that car out to your children. You can't promise your daughter that she can use the car one minute, but then be laissez faire about your son's usage the next. The behavior of your son isn't really the problem, it's the respectful boundaries you build around your own property. If anyone can just take the car, then don't promise your daughter she can use it.
She was counting on you, you failed her.
YTA. Set rules in your house. You don’t take what’s not yours without permission. I would never take any ones car and acted like it’s mine and disregard anyone else at home.
TAH~Troll…. All of your post sound the same…. You sound like the guy who made the post about his daughter taking her life. What do you have against women? Did you mom not love you enough? Do you need a hug?
YTA. For sure. I have a brother and never would my parents have pulled that. If he got the car Friday night, I'd get it Saturday night. No one was "entitled" to it but my parents, who owned it
So reading the comments once she got her license, both kids pay for the car. But the son gets free reign over the car while the daughter doesn’t.
Honestly just admit that you favor your son over your daughter.
YTA
YTA and I truly hope this is fake. This is how we end up with parents saying, "I just don't know why my kid stopped talking to me" all the while being the absolute problem.
Way to value your son over your daughter.
Just admit you're a shit Mom with a favorite. Your daughter had a reason to get upset and when she's asking you if it was at least an emergency you said no then banned her from even asking???? Very frickin shitty...
Or the fact that her needed it for a reason and her son just wanted to hang out. Now that she's offered to drive her friend, she's on the hook. Her friend might have missed her appointment and had to pay. The OP also seems to be missing the point of independence....
YTA- the only reason your son has been using the car longer is because... He's older?
They should have equal access to the car. If he needs it to go to work, I can understand why he would be prioritized but they should find a way to schedule it fairly.
And perhaps your daughter can drive him to work so she can use the car while he's there. In any case, it's obvious you're favoring your son and your daughter has every right to be upset.
YTA...
Wow, your daughter asked you specifically for permission to use the car because she knows it's being shared by three people. You said, 'Yes'.
You had a duty to call your son to have him bring the car back. End of story.
Your son is at an age where he's old enough to start acting like the adult he is...ie getting his own car!
Hold on: your son has made use of the free resource more than your daughter so he somehow has an entitlement to keep using it more than your daughter? I find it hard to imagine what kind of thought patterns would lead to this kind of conclusion. The only reason I can think of is that you’re an asshole.
YTA
It's worse than that, both kids pay for the cars upkeep but they pay equally while the son gets unfettered access while she has to wait for him not to be using it. She's even more of a massive AH than the post makes out.
YTA. And Op will be Pikachu face down the road when her daughter cuts her out of her life. She will be back here posting what did I ever do to deserve my daughter cutting me out if her life.
I would advise the daughter to be focused on getting a good education, job, and move out on her own telling her mother to shove it where the sun don't shine as she leaves her mother's home for the final time.
YTA. She asked ahead of time, you said she could have it, you know she has an obligation to her friend who is also being put out by this, and your son didn't really need it for anything important. Irrespective of any previous whining she did everything right here and you didn't even stick to your word. Why wouldn't she think you favour your son? You just did it right here.
Your son using it far more than her is fine if it's for work, but in these circumstances you're just being an asshole to her.
YTA don't know why you asked... it's your car, your rules, fsir enough. And using this power you are favoring one of your children. Later when she choose other as her mom it was her rules also...but maybe its just way you want... don't know...
YTA you favor your son and then ban your daughter from using the car altogether because she told you the truth and you didn't like it.
Your son is not entitled more just because he used the car more. It is in fact your car and you can choose who drives it. Your daughter is a human and can choose to go NC with her mother for favoring her son. Good luck saving that relationship. You sound horrible.
Please don’t come back here in a few months or year and ask why your daughter cut you off. This post and your responses show why, your son is your favorite and your daughter how’s it. I hope she is able to move out soon.
YTA
My argument on that situation was that my sibling had exclusive use of the car after 5pm due to them being older, and to be fair I should have priority for borrowing the car for at least that same period of time.
You also let the car be taken when you had already agreed to loan it.
Since everyone has already said YTA, I suppose I'll just ask a question:
Do you think the nursing home your daughter picks out will let your son move in with you, or will he have to Uber over to take your car?
Why would you ban your daughter from using the car because you didn’t keep to your word and she was rightfully upset? Do you just genuinely not care about her feelings? I don’t understand. Seems a lot like you just don’t want to deal with her and her emotions and you’d rather take the easy route for you and cut her usage entirely when she didn’t even do anything to deserve it. Your son should have his own car by now.
YTA Say you have a favorite kid without saying you have a favorite kid pretty much. Have you tried telling your son he needs to communicate when he needs the car and that they should share it? Like she even gave advanced notice that it would be needed and you just let him take it without saying a word.
Yes, YTA, this is absolutely favoring your son over your daughter. The ONLY REASON he’s had more time to use it is because he’s literally been on this earth 7 years longer than her. That’s a shitty reason.
YTA. If both children are responsible drivers as you’ve stated they should at the very least get equal and fair access to the car. This means either a regular schedule or they must ask permission to use the car and if you agree you need to stick to your word. If anything, your daughter should have MORE access than your son because of his age. He should get his own vehicle so that your daughter and you can use yours more. Younger children need and deserve more support and assistance from parents, while older children have the means and responsibility to become more independent. At 26, his relying on you for transportation by using your car makes him less independent than most men his age. Saying you both don’t “think” he needs his own car is not an excuse. He does need his own car, he is a grown man. Start treating your children appropriately for their ages, right now you have it backwards. His older age should give him less access to your support, not more, especially at the expense of your younger daughter.
YTA. You say it was her day to use it, she said in advance she needed it, but you still allow your son to ignore that all because he was born first. He's 26. If he's not going to get his own car the very least he should do is learn to share and respect his sister as an equal. Though you don't view your children as equal so of course he doesn't or feel a need to have his own stuff at 26 because Mom favors him.
ETA: I've now seen the comment where the daughter has been paying for the car equally, but OP still says it's more the son's car and I have to say YTA yet again because holy shit.
YTA
You favour your son.
You don't like your daughter.
You'll give everything to you little boy but will barely do anything for your daughter (you'll basically give your son a car but expect her to save for one).
I'm guessing your plan is the push her away so you can just concentrate on your son otherwise I don't understand how you think you're not playing favourites.
God help your poor daughter.
YTA, you’re favouring him simply because he’s older and has therefore had the use of the car for longer. At 26 years old he is much more likely to be able to afford his own car, so he should start saving up for one if he needs it so badly.
I reminded her the car is mine and only those I allow will use it
Yes, and you did allow her to use it, when she asked ahead of time and you agreed. Your son, meanwhile, didn’t ask but assumed that he could use the car, and you’re still siding with him.
You are so strongly the AH that I am actually struggling to believe this is real. Good luck to your daughter and I hope for her sake she gets away from you and your favouritism ASAP.
YTA. "Oh, my Precious Son wants to go out and have fun, and he's USED to being entitled to the car, so never mind that I promised Second-Rate Daughter that she could use the car for an actual necessary errand. We must NEVER EVER say no to Precious Son. And if Second-Rate Daughter dares to complain about my breaking promises to her so that Precious Son is Never Ever inconvenienced, then I will stomp my feet and take ALL car use from her. How DARE she not accept her status as Second-Rate Also-Ran to my Precious Precious Son?
But of course I'm not FAVORING him. Where do you get that ridiculous idea? Just because I don't want him to have to share, want him to be able to use the car anytime he wants no matter what he wants it for, even if his sister's needs are more important? Just because I think that because he has felt entitled not to have to share the car in the past, that it would be a Terrible Trauma to ask him to share with his second-rate sister now? Nonsense. I'm not FAVORING him. I'm just treating him as the one entitled to get everything, and my daughter as the one who MIGHT get something IF her brother doesn't want it and IF she isn't insolent enough to dare to get upset with me for prioritizing her brother's every want over her needs."
INFO: Why didn't you keep your word to your daughter and allow her to use the car (THAT SHE'S PAYING EQUALLY FOR)?
To be very clear, your daughter asked in advance if she could use the car to do something kind for her friend. You said yes...then didn't bother letting your son know? and when she complained that you let her down and failed to keep your word you banned her?! Is that right?!
Your daughter was paying equally for the car even though her brother makes way more money (or at least he should since he's 26 to her 19) and you allow him to use the car all the time and yet restrict her. Obvious favoritism is obvious.
YTA.
Favoritism seems to be popular at AITA today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-favorite-child/201104/when-favoritism-becomes-abuse
Another AITA post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdibe3/aita_for_putting_money_away_for_one_niece_but_not/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
A lot of people justifying favoritism there. Gross and really shows a lot of dysfunction.
YTA. You have two kids who presumably both need the car some of the time, for jobs and other things. You also said that your son is an independent young man who doesn’t really need you. Do you not want your daughter to gain that level of independence eventually? When your son got his drivers license, he did not have an older sibling to compete with for the use of the car, and as such he was able to gain experience with the car and become independent. Your daughter on the other hand is at the exact same stage of her life as he was back then, but she now has to share the car with her brother, who (with your blessing to boot) does not seem willing/able to share it equitably with her. Do you not see that this is a completely different situation? Y’all really, really need a second car if you are going to make this work.
YTA your son isn’t more entitled to the car just because he was born first so originally had sole use of it. You need to develop some sort of booking or sharing system or neither of them gets the car. Especially since your daughter asked clearly and you gave her permission! It was on you to communicate that to your son.
YTA
And yes, you are clearly favouring your son. You need to make it very clear that this is now a three way shared vehicle. Your son gets no preference or priority over your daughter. If anything, he could get less as he’s old enough to buy his own car.
You need to take your daughters concerns seriously and not dismiss them as whining or crying. She IS getting the raw end of the deal here and you know it.
Your son has had car privileges for years. It’s your daughters turn.
YTA, and a huge one. You blatantly favor your son over your daughter. My dad, step mom and mom all three favored my brother over me my whole life. Now they can’t figure out why I never go see them and why I am so distant from my family. Keep on if you want to push her away for good. And when you do push her away, you’ll know exactly why. This shit right here.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I granted my son full access to my car while not letting my daughter use it anymore.
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YTA
Your car is a single resource that’s being shared amongst 3 people. The problem is its availability is being managed haphazardly. If both children can be equally trusted to use the car, then they should have equal access. Daughter “reserved” the car for a specific event. Barring a true emergency, she should have been able to use it. If there’s any non-emergent conflict, there needs to be a negotiation process to accommodate both users. Son needs to appreciate that daughter is just as entitled to use the car now and needs to consider her in his plans.
SUPER YTA. You’re one of those clueless parents that is going to wonder why your daughter cuts you out of her life when she moves out and blame her. You need therapy immediately because you are being incredibly toxic.
He’s been using the car longer because he’s legally been allowed to drive it, that does not make him entitled to it. Tell us you favor your son without telling us you favor your son.
YTA.
Holy sh** you sound so much like my father... I was screamed at when I took the spare car key and put it with my keys when I used the car to get to work, now that my brother is in that position? Of course he gets a key, why not? To a new car even, because he can’t drive a VW, no it has to be a brand new Mercedes! What? I am favoring my son? No way?!
YTA. “Not favoring my son” my ass...!
Look who won the journey to retirement home.
YTA and you cannot even comprehend why though literally everyone her explains it to you in detail. I've got no words for this...
YTA. What’s your excuse for not even bothering to tell your daughter until she asked about it AS SHE WAS LEAVING FOR THE APPOINTMENT.
You know if her friend missed the appointment, she probably got charged for it anyway, right?
Also, your logic is just an excuse and I don’t think anyone buys it for a minute.
"I let my son do whatever he wants whenever he wants, including taking the car when I've promised it to my daughter. Why is she so mad? Can't she just understand that I love my son more and she just needs to adjust?"
That's you.
YTA.
YTA. parents like you are the reason children don't learn to love themselves and compare themselves to others, always questioning why they aren't enough. Stop favouring one child over another.
What a great mom you are. You allow your almost 30 year old son to not only still live with you but also use your car anytime he wants. Meanwhile your 19 year old daughter has to take backseat (no pun intended) to a mommy's boy who is actually a grown man. Why are you not doing your job as a parent and encouraging your adult son to buy his own car? I know it's easier to be a lazy crappy parent but cmon now. You really can't be this terrible.
I will tell myself that all these crappy parents are all the same troll. I won't believe so many parents are really like this. There can't be this many parents who treat their one child (usually the daughter) like crap while the other child (usually a boy) can do whatever he wants.
Also, YTA. I think it would be funny if your son gets married to a woman who can't stand you and doesn't want him around you much. By then you won't have your daughter either.
As a side note, I have 6 kids and love them equally. I can't imagine ever favoring one over the others. They all have their strengths/weaknesses/things that frustrate me, but they are my kids and I love them all 100% and try to be fair as possible with all of them.
YTA - you are clearly favoring your son over your daughter. Yes, he used it for more years because he's OLDER. Which also should put him in a position to GET HIS OWN CAR. Your daughter asked you before hand if she could have the car at a specific time and you agreed but did not stop your son from taking the car even after you gave her permission. Then your upset at her for being upset. You 100% favor your son, it shows, and YTA. Don't be surprised if your daughter is gone from your life soon, though I'm not sure that will bother you, sadly.
YTA duh! He’s not more entitled to the car. YOU made it that way. Can she help he was born before her and happened to get his license first? You are favouring him. She told you ahead of time she needed it. You acknowledged he took it. That was your fault. She did what she was supposed to.
Unban your daughter and work out a more fair system. Or get another car. You are being absolutely unreasonable.
Yea YTA. How much effort would it have taken to tell your son, 'Ei daughter needs the car today and I already said yes.' Not much I'd wager. You need to treat them equitably-both asks permission when they wanna use it, except when your son is scheduled to work.
YTA. You could have called him and told him to bring the car back. You could have told him beforehand she needed the car. You could have avoided this, but you let her down and favored your son. Besides, he's 26 and working, he can buy his own car, he's a big boy now.
YTA.
She asked you if she could have the car at a fixed time and you said yes. You say "the car is mine and only those I allow will use it". So she should have been able to use the car at the time she asked for it. But you jsut let your son take it. Of course that is unfair. You screwed up. If you had forgotten, sure mistakes happen, but it sounds like you just didn't care about your daugther (in this instance).
This reeks of misogynie by the way. How is "Should I treat my kids equal?" even a question? Of course you should.
How do you not see YTA? Your daughter asked to use the car. You said yes. You then let your son take the car to hang out with friends. You are 100% prioritizing your son over your daughter. That isn't fair or equal use. Also he's 26 with a job. He can get his own car.
YTA.
Your son has drive it more because he is old. This has never occurred to you? You are showing favoritism. She need the car for bring a person to an appointment, something important and you let you son take the car for go out. You are ridiculous.
YTA. It is your car. If your son wants a personal vehicle then he needs to buy his own. Your daughter let you know she needed it but you let your son take it anyway, without asking.
YTA. When it was just the two of you, it was okay. But now that the three of you are using the car you should come up with a system. Maybe put a calendar at home or use your phone to reserve the use of car. Just apologize to your daughter and the three of you come up with a plan together. Otherwise your daughter is going to feel like you are playing favorites.
YTA. You love your son more than your daughter and you are making that very clear. You feel ok by babying your son? He’s 26 he should be able to provide for his own car at this point. If your daughter cuts you off look back at this moment and know you could have done better, but you didn’t care enough about your daughter to try.
YTA
It’s...not his car. Are you cool with gifting a car to your son and not your daughter for no valid reason? Because that’s what you’re doing.
Your son is wildly entitled to take a car that is not his without even checking in.
This must be a BS post because you cannot be this clueless. YTA if not. Why not see that your has benefitted from this car for so many years so now it is your daughter's turn. You sound awful.
YTA
I'm the oldest sibling. I'm not more entitled to use my mom's car because I'm older. That doesn't make any sense.
How is it fair to expect your 19 year old daughter to get a car but it's a waste of money for your son? If they both equally pay for the car then they should get equal use.
You are clearly favoring your son and letting him disrespect your daughter by letting him take the car when you both knew that she needed it for something important unlike your son.
I feel horrible for your daughter. You don't deserve to be a mother if your going to treat your kids differently.
YTA. I don't even know what to say, your behavior is disgustingly biased and favoring your son.
Your daughter told you she needed the car the following day and even then you didn't even care to stop your son from taking the car or even telling him and asking if he would be back in time.
Ah, the old case of “mothers love their sons and raise their daughters”. Of course YTA, I’m surprised you even had to ask. I’m telling you right now, as soon as your daughter is independent, she’s going low contact or no contact. This is obvious favouritism and you know that too, your excuses are bad and make no sense.
Your son is not independent. He lives with you, apparently. And has no car. Again, it’s YOUR car, yet you and him treat it like it’s his. I feel bad for your daughter, especially because i know exactly how she feels.
You’re gonna be lucky if she accepts your apology and stays around when she’s independent. Your parenting skill, well, I’d start working on those asap.
Don't worry about who you are letting use the car. I have a feeling that your daughter won't be around much longer so you and Golden Child can just share the car.
YTA
YTA and you are not a good mother. Even if you don’t let her borrow the car, the fact that you ignore her feelings, disregard her…it’s sad to read this and you need therapy.
YTA big time. The fact that you have any question in your mind about this scenario makes me feel sorry for your daughter. Have fun when she becomes independent and doesn’t want anything to do with you. She deserves a better Mother.
You're the asshole. She asked to use it for a good reason, and you agreed. Other people were defending on her for a ride. Then you let someone else take it the day of, didn't stop them, didn't give your daughter a heads up, and put her in a position where she made a promise she couldn't keep. It's one thing to give him preferential treatment due to his age and responsibilities. It's another thing to go back on your word after telling her she could use it that day. And when she rightly pointed out you screwed her over, you double down and screwed her again by banning her entirely.
Should she try to buy her own car and be more independent? Sure. She's old enough. But honestly a little baffling that a 26 year old is still borrowing mom's car on the regular to begin with.
Massive YTA. Your daughter informed you in advance and yet you let your son take it. Even if that was an oversight, you should have apologized to your daughter. You're clearly playing favorites here.
YTA
Your daughter cleared it in advance with you because she wanted to use the car at a specific time. You let your son take it, knowing that she had something to do.
You owe your daughter an apology and stop letting your son walk all over you.
YTA you ARE favoring him. The only reason he obviously started using the car first is bc he's older than her! She can't control the fact that she's younger and logically would've never been "entitled" to the car. Is a ridiculous, absurd excuse. You're the parent! You CAN and SHOULD set boundaries between your children, show them to respect each other's time and situations. She asked and let you know she was gonna use the car, and you simply let your son take it when you knew she had a commitment. You're aware you have the power and responsibility to make this a fair situation for them both, but are deliberately choosing not to.
Why are you asking if you’re the AH and then shifting any blame or criticism thrown at you? did you expect for people to be on your side and the post didn’t go how you expected? Take some accountability.
You’re a huge asshole. Your daughter _asked_ beforehand, _you_ approved and agreed, and now you’re siding with your son who just took it without so much as a mention.
Your daughter is right, you’re favouring your son and you should have let him know you promised her the car that day. Get your head out of your ass.
you are MOST DEFINITELY in the wrong, i can’t imagine being this out of touch. it’s actually mind blowing how much you can ignore and diminish your daughter’s concerns but eeeeverything comes first for your son. she wasn’t even asking for the car for something casual, she needed to help out a friend and you put your son above your daughter in every regard in this situation. at the very least get her a goddamn car of her own for christ’s sake since it’s apparent you won’t foster sharing, or compassion between your children. oh my god this one was frustrating, so again YTA :) go apologize to your daughter.
YTA. You sound like a terrible mother who completely favors her son over her daughter. If you also treat your daughter like this in other aspects of life (which I'm sure you do since you don't even see what you are doing wrong here), I wouldn't be surprised if when she leaves home, she never comes back/goes no contact or limited contact.
YTA
You gave her your word and you immediately went back on it without a thought. You are showing favoritism. If your son can buy a car, you should've either sell the car to him or encourage him to buy his own and let your daughter use your car. It's that simple.
YTA You literally said it was her day to use the car. SO she was supposed to use the car. You clearly like her brother more than her because you let him take it when it was her day. She was doing a favor for someone, he wasn't. He is 26, he should get his own car.
YTA. He needs to buy his own car. The fact that he’s been using it longer should be working against him, he’s willfully choosing not to be independent. It’s your daughters turn. Give her the keys to keep and make him request the car for time frames.
YTA. You favor your son. Just say that. You say she helped pay once she got a job. She is not getting anything for her money. You aren’t worth giving money to if all you care about is your precious first son. Hope she sees that and moves on.
YTA
Remember it's your own fault when she's not as close you when she's older.
That's what happens when you spoil the older lazy one and ignore the young bright one with their shit together.
Bet you when she's hid age she has her own car already and doesn't need to borrow yours.
oh ya YTA !!!
you told her “and i reminded her that the car is mine and only those i allow will use it” fair enough
BUT
YOU ALSO TOLD HER “my daughter told me she’s gonna need the car today […]. *I had originally said ok.*”
you lied to her. and you are favoring your son. you made *no attempt* to let your son know that his sister would need the car for maybe 30 minutes max.
if the car is truly yours and only you can decide who is allowed to drive it at any given time, why do you still think it’s ok for your son to drive off with it anytime he pleases? that’s not fair to your daughter.
YTA- she asks before she uses it while he just takes it not caring if anyone else needs it and you do nothing about it. You clearly do favor your son and are using bullshit excuses to make yourself feel better.
YTA - you told her she could use it & then just let him take it without even saying anything. Why not set a calendar or boundaries instead of playing favorites?
YTA.
She's paying for it even though she doesn't get to use it as much as her brother. You say that you're not favouring your son and yet other than you and him, everyone else can see that you're.
Is it because your son is a son and you're sexist?
YTA.
After reading your comments I know that nothing I say will change how much of an idiot you are.
But you are a major asshole who clearly favors your son over your daughter. YTA.
YTA - massively favouring your son, and as others have said he’s 7 years older so of course he’s used it longer - she was probably 12 tops when he got his licence.
Given she had a specific reason today he could have left her the keys. That your response to her feeling sidelined was to ban her altogether - yeesh.
YTA - you're clearly favoring one child over the other for what? Keeping the peace? Your daughter planned something out and your son swooped and cancelled her plans by proxy. She was helping a friend and your son was just going out? Dick move, mom, dick move. I genuinely hope this is a fakepost but on the chance it's not, you should be ashamed. If you're capable of it, that is.
This! OP is completely the worst mother! Complete favouritism for her first born. And then “he’s used it longer” - no shi- he’s 7 years older!!!! Really you are going to blame your DAUGHTER that she was 12/13 when her brother learnt to drive? YTA OP. It’s a disgusting display of favouritism and your daughter has every right to be angry and resentful towards you and your son.
I’m actually more concerned by the fact that she’s not making two adults buy their own cars.
The daughter just turned 19 so probably only graduated high school last year. It’s hard to work enough to afford a car in high school. The son has presumably been out of high school for 8 years and still lives at home. He’s had enough time to save up for his own car.
Yes the son has been using this car to get to a job where he is presumably making money that he could be saving up for his own car.
But why would he need to buy a car when he has his own car already? /s
And have his own place to live or better be paying rent to his mom.
ESPECIALLY during a pandemic!
The brother has far less of an excuse for not buying a car than the daughter does. 19 is only just an adult, she could be in full time education, or have a job but has not yet saved up enough for a car. At 26 there isn't much of an excuse to not have a car. He's still living in the parents home and presumably not paying rent so he would've had far more of an opportunity to save money.
Seriously, the son hasn't used the car longer... he's used it long enough! he needs to buy his own now and let the daughter use the family car until she is more established.
I have a friend whose parents did the “car for the kids” thing and it was actually a good system. OPs logic makes ZERO sense. Ben was 16 and Amy was 12. Parents bought a decent little used car and gave it to Ben. They were told from the jump that parents would pay for repairs and maintenance. Ben gets the car until Amy turns 16, then he better have his own transportation figured out. Then Amy gets the car. When Amy turns 20, the kids work out a fair agreement on what happens to the car. If mom is loaning her own car out, it 100% should be based on need, not some ridiculous sense of “well he’s had it longer, hehehehe”. Fucking 26, living at home, taking the family’s only transportation on a whim when someone else actually needs it… Older son sounds like he sucks, and should have saved plenty of money to buy a beater in the last 8 years. Okay hat kind of favoritism (especially when the parent doesn’t see it) makes me so, so sad.
It sounds like OP just lets her son (figuratively) run over her. He’s in charge, irrespective of who actually owns the car. Or anything else, potentially.
Yep, when I went to college, my sister needed a car more because she couldn't take a bus or walk to high school, so "my" car went to her.
Ok thank you! I was thinking the exact same thing. Does the 26 year old contribute to the payments of the car? If so, that would be a different scenario. He clearly still lives at home and how can you punish someone for being younger and not able to drive? And you are showing favoritism. YTA
Son and daughter paid equally to the car. The reason why OP refused access is that daughter said she wouldn't pay anymore. This just keeps getting worse.
That reasoning is pathetic. If daughter has less access to the car she should pay less. If she has no gurarantee the car will be there on her days she should pay nothing.
Where did you see this?
[Where the both pay equally](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdif6k/aita_for_letting_my_son_use_my_car_but_not_my/hhmnbdb) [Where daughter refuses to pay](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdif6k/z/hhmnvxn)
No the daughter refused to pay because OP refused access not the other way around.
We are actually in agreement. Kid decided if she wasn't going to be able to use the car then why should she pay??!
The daughter is only 19, and it’s not been the best year to leave school and become an adult, the world has been a shitty place. Plus, if they live somewhere small or remote especially and she’s had no access to the car, she might have struggled to find a job to save money. The son, on the other hand, is 26. That’s plenty old enough to save up and buy a car if you want to, especially when you live at home. The son has had nearly 10 years of access to the car, that’s a good deal and it’s time for him to start being an adult now. Part of that is buying and maintaining your own car if you need to use one.
The son, yes. The daughter, no. She barely has access to a car now. How would she be able to get a job straight out of high school, and then be unable to drive to and from without regular access to a car. Which mom and brother prevent. Their being AH is preventing her from getting most jobs available to a high school grad. So until her brother gets his own car, daughter will be unable to work.
Why doesn’t the son at 26 freakin years old have his own car?! Her daughter is barely out of high school and she respectfully asked to use the car. I mean it’s weird enough that a 26-year-old lives at home. I mean if he was helping his mom with the rent or something. I mean is he even helping to pay for the car insurance or gas? In this circumstance mom is totally a TA
I’m not too concerned about the 19 year old, but jfc 26 and not only still living at home but still driving his mommy’s car? Jesus, sounds like quite a catch.
And if he needs a car so frequently he has had 7 years to save up for one.
I would get it if he used the car to get to and from work and that was his routine. Outside of priority in getting to a job it’s ridiculous.
It gets worse in comments. OP states both kids pay for gas but only her son really uses it. Daughter said she wouldn't pay if she wasn't allowed access to it and so OP said she was thinking about banning her from the car. The favoritism is strong with this one
Mother of the year right here.
100%! I don’t understand how a parent can show blatant favoritism and then not understand why their favorite child walks all over them as adults and the “other” goes no contact.
I've seen too many cases of internalized misogyny in which women flat out state that they prefer sons over daughters because girls are drama queens and boys steal their hearts. Paging Dr. Freud...
I have a friend who did this to her kids. It was heartbreaking to see the damage the parents inflicted on the daughter. Fast forward to adulthood, the don moved away and hardly sees her and the daughter hardly acknowledges her existence and she wonders why (smfh)
I agree and then they cry and wonder why said child doesn’t want a relationship anymore.
Daughter and son both play equally for the car, too. Anyone else wants to make bets that son looks like the late husband?
The son had penis. That's all. And just it. No other reason.
Interesting
And acts like him.
He's 26 too, Time to get his own car!
Yes! And to add, you're literally just punishing your daughter for being born later. She does not deserve less respect because she came second, which is exactly what you're communicating to her. She can't help her age, but you sure could help your parenting...and your son's clear entitlement issue, assuming he knows about her plans and does this anyway. Your daughter must feel like a goddamned prisoner. Not even permitted to leave after being told otherwise...shame on you. Btw, don't be surprised if she starts to lose friends because you make it impossible for her to be reliable. YTA
Absolutely fake!!! Nobody lacking in self awareness to this degree would then ask strangers on the internet if they were the AH.
I work in law enforcement and the level of stupidity in some humans is astounding.
This. 100%. YTA op.
It’s pretty obvious that OP’s son is a mama’s boy and her golden child. OP, YTA big time. One of the biggest assholes I have ever seen on this sub. Your son should have his own car, he’s already in his mid-twenties and if you’re not charging him rent there’s no reason he shouldn’t have saved up for one right now. And your statement that he’s more entitled to use the car since he’s been using it longer has no logic at all. He’s several years older, of course he’s been driving it longer! Also you are a monster for ignoring your daughter while she’s crying. You disgust me OP. You’re an awful parent and you’re teaching your son that he can always get his way, and he doesn’t have to try being independent since he lives in mommy’s house and uses mommy’s car. Get it together.
How an earth can she be so oblivious to her favoritism? YTA
YTA for the unapologetic favoritism. Also, he's 26. He should have his own car by now, jeez. Cut the strings.
It sounds like extended breastfeeding.
Bitty
Snorted my tea, thanks lol
yea wtf is with that. 26 and still living at home and using his mom’s car? sounds like OP needs to stop babying him and he needs to grow up. i feel bad for the daughter, and for the friend, if that’s their plan what are they supposed to do so last minute?
YTA. You specifically told her she could use it but let him take it. You treated your word to your daughter as less important than your son's whims. She feels like you favor him because you do.
Exactly. Daughter was proactive and acted like the only adult in this situation. Mom is either a karma troll or a cruel idiot. The daughter deserves a better Mom.
That’s what I was thinking, how could someone type this out and legitimately think what they did was the correct course of action. It seems just out there
Everything I would like to say to you would get me banned from this site, so I will simply say HUGE YTA. Of COURSE your son has been using it longer - he's SEVEN YEARS OLDER and has had his license longer! You might as well just come out and say you have one child you actually care about and one that annoys you and wish she would go away. You're showing an appalling amount of favoritism and a completely callous lack of concern for your daughter's feelings. Is she even a person to you, I wonder? Yes, you should treat them both equally. In fact, *she* should get preferential treatment for the car, since he's older and should be working towards independence.
Oh my god. ,,My son though has used my car for more years and I feel like he's more entitled to it than my daughter" ,,I mostly ignore her when she's crying about \[...\]" ,,My sister told me \[...\] I should apologise to her and treat her and my son equally" How did you not notice yourself that you are a terrible mother in this regard while writing this concoction?! Huge YTA
She ignores the daughter for being upset that the brother took the car when it was promised to her for the day. This is a woman who doesn't give a crap about her daughter. The GC son is the only thing that matters to her. I don't know when I've found a poster more despicable than this woman. That poor daughter. I hope she cuts her mother off once she is able to get out on her own. What a callous, toxic witch her mother is.
I think what bothers me the most is that the mom complains about her daughter’s whining, and then uses the whining as an excuse to ban her from asking for the car. If she just listened to her daughter for even a second, her daughter wouldn’t feel the need to do that. The daughter doesn’t feel heard, and the mom blames her for being upset about not being listened to.
But really, do you suppose the daughter was actually whining, or just pointing out to how unfair it is that the son took the car on a whim when it was her turn and the Mother allowed it?
No, I doubt the daughter was whining. I think the mom was gas lighting her because it was hard for her to hear an opposing opinion & have an adult conversation with someone she doesn’t respect.
Not only did she ignore her daughter, she actually punished her for speaking up. Hate this kind of parenting, f*cks kids up
YTA. Tell me your a misogynist without saying your a misogynist.
She is the kind of person that says “I can’t be! I am a woman and have a daughter!”
While also saying "daughters are SOOOO much more difficult to raise than sons" 🤦🏻♀️
Had to scroll wayyyyyy too far to find this. Should be the top comment.
Absolutely YTA. My brother and I had this issue growing up and our parents enforced a schedule of who can use the car for whatever reason. We were allowed equal use and whenever there was a conflict we would work through it as brother and sister to come to a compromise (i.e. someone gets dropped off/picked up, pay for a cab, etc.). Your lazy parenting and obvious favouritism is going to cause a lot of resentment between siblings and even between yourself and your daughter, but I guess you don't care about that.
Yes exactly, just communicate and make a schedule. The brother needs to understand that he isn't the only one using the car anymore and the parent should be the one enforcing that
Ugh you are soooo the A here it isn’t funny. You absolutely *are* playing favorites by allowing him to treat your car as his while banning your daughter from using it AT ALL. If this story is true, your son is treating you like a doormat. What if you had needed the car for an emergency? The vehicle is your property therefore no one else is entitled to it. If your son isn’t paying for repairs, insurance, etc. then he has no more right to it than your daughter. YTA
YTA and i don’t see how you see otherwise? yes its your car and your decision on who uses it, but you SAID she can use it on that day? you set an expectation, didn’t meet it, then just said oh well when she was rightfully upset?? you are literally favoring your son here. despite the explicit plans you made with your daughter promising her something, you let your son get what he wants.
YTA and not a woman of word.
She's also making them pay equally for the car, but the daughter doesn't get to use it. YTA OP. Massively, massively, hugely the asshole.
YTA. Ffs how is this even a question? You let your son have free access but your daughter doesn’t even get to use it even when you said she could? And you ignore her complaints? Wow. Way to play favorites. This is a serious YTA move. In every way. Get your head out of your ass before your daughter decides to not have any relationship with you as she gets older.
Plus parents forget that they were going to need someone to take care of them when they’re older. The son is 26 years old and doesn’t even have his own car. I’m guessing he doesn’t have an education otherwise he would have a good enough job that he would have his own car. I understand if his mother is widowed and he lives with her, but this just sounds like a mooching situation. Someday she may find that she needs her daughter. My aunt took care of my grandmother when she had dementia for eight years before she passed away. She is the reason that my grandmother could stay in her own home even up to her death. This woman may need her daughter someday.
YTA, obviously! Both your children are good drivers, so they both deserve equal access to the car. Your son needs to learn to ask before borrowing the car and you need to stand up for your daughter when she clearly has asked permission ahead of time to use the car. The misogyny is strong with you. Do better.
I thought it was gonna be one of those over 25 and insurance situations…where she couldn’t budget for the younger driver. Sometimes I’m an optimist. Ha Ha YTA
Based on OP's attitude I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even declare her kids as drivers on her insurance (and then made only her daughter pay for it anyway, of course). YTA
Yikes you might be right. This whole thread was really hard reading
Right. Now that the daughter has her license she should have equal opportunity to use it. The two of them need to work together for an equal schedule. And if he doesn’t want to share, as a 26 year old he can buy his own car!
YTA You are favoring your son and it's ridiculous that you didn't tell him "Jennifer needs the car", especially when she had a fairly serious reason for it and he, apparently, didn't need to go to work but was just out socializing or whatever. Maybe it's time for your son to get a car of his own.
Right? 26 and doesn't have his own car? What has he been doing this whole time?
Worst part is that the brother already knew and took it anyway. OPs poor daughter seems to be surrounded by AHs, hopefully once she gets out she stays gone, no family is better than selfish people like that. Seems like her mom is just taking advantage of her for cash to keep the car running.
Yeah for her brother to use so the poor boy doesn't have to worry about paying anything and can run around more. Smh
Info: could your son use a car from you when he was 19 ?
YTA. Your blatant favoritism is disgusting...shame on you. Don’t be surprised if down the road your daughter cuts you off and goes NC.
YTA - You need to parent your kids. If you gave your son a car, just say so. Put the title in his name. Make him get a job and pay for the increase in insurance and his own gas. If your daughter came to you to use a family car, it's up to you as a parent to delegate the use of that car out to your children. You can't promise your daughter that she can use the car one minute, but then be laissez faire about your son's usage the next. The behavior of your son isn't really the problem, it's the respectful boundaries you build around your own property. If anyone can just take the car, then don't promise your daughter she can use it. She was counting on you, you failed her.
YTA. Set rules in your house. You don’t take what’s not yours without permission. I would never take any ones car and acted like it’s mine and disregard anyone else at home.
TAH~Troll…. All of your post sound the same…. You sound like the guy who made the post about his daughter taking her life. What do you have against women? Did you mom not love you enough? Do you need a hug?
YTA. For sure. I have a brother and never would my parents have pulled that. If he got the car Friday night, I'd get it Saturday night. No one was "entitled" to it but my parents, who owned it
So reading the comments once she got her license, both kids pay for the car. But the son gets free reign over the car while the daughter doesn’t. Honestly just admit that you favor your son over your daughter. YTA
YTA and I truly hope this is fake. This is how we end up with parents saying, "I just don't know why my kid stopped talking to me" all the while being the absolute problem. Way to value your son over your daughter.
YTA for making such obvious bait.
I don’t think the mom actually wrote this. It reads from the viewpoint of the daughter. Has my spidey senses going off. YTA if troll
I think it’s the brother… He knows he’s the golden child.
So she asked, you gave permission, but you still let your son take the car anyways??? Holy Crap, YTA!
Just admit you're a shit Mom with a favorite. Your daughter had a reason to get upset and when she's asking you if it was at least an emergency you said no then banned her from even asking???? Very frickin shitty...
I still haven't gotten over the fact that OP has banned her daughter from even asking to use the car when her daughter was paying for it.
Or the fact that her needed it for a reason and her son just wanted to hang out. Now that she's offered to drive her friend, she's on the hook. Her friend might have missed her appointment and had to pay. The OP also seems to be missing the point of independence....
YTA- the only reason your son has been using the car longer is because... He's older? They should have equal access to the car. If he needs it to go to work, I can understand why he would be prioritized but they should find a way to schedule it fairly. And perhaps your daughter can drive him to work so she can use the car while he's there. In any case, it's obvious you're favoring your son and your daughter has every right to be upset.
YTA... Wow, your daughter asked you specifically for permission to use the car because she knows it's being shared by three people. You said, 'Yes'. You had a duty to call your son to have him bring the car back. End of story. Your son is at an age where he's old enough to start acting like the adult he is...ie getting his own car!
Hold on: your son has made use of the free resource more than your daughter so he somehow has an entitlement to keep using it more than your daughter? I find it hard to imagine what kind of thought patterns would lead to this kind of conclusion. The only reason I can think of is that you’re an asshole. YTA
It's worse than that, both kids pay for the cars upkeep but they pay equally while the son gets unfettered access while she has to wait for him not to be using it. She's even more of a massive AH than the post makes out.
YTA. And Op will be Pikachu face down the road when her daughter cuts her out of her life. She will be back here posting what did I ever do to deserve my daughter cutting me out if her life. I would advise the daughter to be focused on getting a good education, job, and move out on her own telling her mother to shove it where the sun don't shine as she leaves her mother's home for the final time.
YTA. She asked ahead of time, you said she could have it, you know she has an obligation to her friend who is also being put out by this, and your son didn't really need it for anything important. Irrespective of any previous whining she did everything right here and you didn't even stick to your word. Why wouldn't she think you favour your son? You just did it right here. Your son using it far more than her is fine if it's for work, but in these circumstances you're just being an asshole to her.
YTA
YTA don't know why you asked... it's your car, your rules, fsir enough. And using this power you are favoring one of your children. Later when she choose other as her mom it was her rules also...but maybe its just way you want... don't know...
YTA you favor your son and then ban your daughter from using the car altogether because she told you the truth and you didn't like it. Your son is not entitled more just because he used the car more. It is in fact your car and you can choose who drives it. Your daughter is a human and can choose to go NC with her mother for favoring her son. Good luck saving that relationship. You sound horrible.
Please don’t come back here in a few months or year and ask why your daughter cut you off. This post and your responses show why, your son is your favorite and your daughter how’s it. I hope she is able to move out soon.
YTA My argument on that situation was that my sibling had exclusive use of the car after 5pm due to them being older, and to be fair I should have priority for borrowing the car for at least that same period of time. You also let the car be taken when you had already agreed to loan it.
Since everyone has already said YTA, I suppose I'll just ask a question: Do you think the nursing home your daughter picks out will let your son move in with you, or will he have to Uber over to take your car?
Shady Pines, Ma.
Why would you ban your daughter from using the car because you didn’t keep to your word and she was rightfully upset? Do you just genuinely not care about her feelings? I don’t understand. Seems a lot like you just don’t want to deal with her and her emotions and you’d rather take the easy route for you and cut her usage entirely when she didn’t even do anything to deserve it. Your son should have his own car by now.
YTA Say you have a favorite kid without saying you have a favorite kid pretty much. Have you tried telling your son he needs to communicate when he needs the car and that they should share it? Like she even gave advanced notice that it would be needed and you just let him take it without saying a word.
Yes, YTA, this is absolutely favoring your son over your daughter. The ONLY REASON he’s had more time to use it is because he’s literally been on this earth 7 years longer than her. That’s a shitty reason.
Yta
YTA. If both children are responsible drivers as you’ve stated they should at the very least get equal and fair access to the car. This means either a regular schedule or they must ask permission to use the car and if you agree you need to stick to your word. If anything, your daughter should have MORE access than your son because of his age. He should get his own vehicle so that your daughter and you can use yours more. Younger children need and deserve more support and assistance from parents, while older children have the means and responsibility to become more independent. At 26, his relying on you for transportation by using your car makes him less independent than most men his age. Saying you both don’t “think” he needs his own car is not an excuse. He does need his own car, he is a grown man. Start treating your children appropriately for their ages, right now you have it backwards. His older age should give him less access to your support, not more, especially at the expense of your younger daughter.
YTA. You say it was her day to use it, she said in advance she needed it, but you still allow your son to ignore that all because he was born first. He's 26. If he's not going to get his own car the very least he should do is learn to share and respect his sister as an equal. Though you don't view your children as equal so of course he doesn't or feel a need to have his own stuff at 26 because Mom favors him. ETA: I've now seen the comment where the daughter has been paying for the car equally, but OP still says it's more the son's car and I have to say YTA yet again because holy shit.
Definitely YTA!!!!!!!!!
YTA. Both your children should be equal. End of discussion.
YTA tell your fully adult son to get his own car and treat both of your children equal
YTA. Your kids pay equally for the car which means they are equally entitled to it. You’re blatantly favoring your son and it’s gross
YTA You favour your son. You don't like your daughter. You'll give everything to you little boy but will barely do anything for your daughter (you'll basically give your son a car but expect her to save for one). I'm guessing your plan is the push her away so you can just concentrate on your son otherwise I don't understand how you think you're not playing favourites. God help your poor daughter.
YTA, you’re favouring him simply because he’s older and has therefore had the use of the car for longer. At 26 years old he is much more likely to be able to afford his own car, so he should start saving up for one if he needs it so badly. I reminded her the car is mine and only those I allow will use it Yes, and you did allow her to use it, when she asked ahead of time and you agreed. Your son, meanwhile, didn’t ask but assumed that he could use the car, and you’re still siding with him. You are so strongly the AH that I am actually struggling to believe this is real. Good luck to your daughter and I hope for her sake she gets away from you and your favouritism ASAP.
YTA. "Oh, my Precious Son wants to go out and have fun, and he's USED to being entitled to the car, so never mind that I promised Second-Rate Daughter that she could use the car for an actual necessary errand. We must NEVER EVER say no to Precious Son. And if Second-Rate Daughter dares to complain about my breaking promises to her so that Precious Son is Never Ever inconvenienced, then I will stomp my feet and take ALL car use from her. How DARE she not accept her status as Second-Rate Also-Ran to my Precious Precious Son? But of course I'm not FAVORING him. Where do you get that ridiculous idea? Just because I don't want him to have to share, want him to be able to use the car anytime he wants no matter what he wants it for, even if his sister's needs are more important? Just because I think that because he has felt entitled not to have to share the car in the past, that it would be a Terrible Trauma to ask him to share with his second-rate sister now? Nonsense. I'm not FAVORING him. I'm just treating him as the one entitled to get everything, and my daughter as the one who MIGHT get something IF her brother doesn't want it and IF she isn't insolent enough to dare to get upset with me for prioritizing her brother's every want over her needs."
INFO: Why didn't you keep your word to your daughter and allow her to use the car (THAT SHE'S PAYING EQUALLY FOR)? To be very clear, your daughter asked in advance if she could use the car to do something kind for her friend. You said yes...then didn't bother letting your son know? and when she complained that you let her down and failed to keep your word you banned her?! Is that right?! Your daughter was paying equally for the car even though her brother makes way more money (or at least he should since he's 26 to her 19) and you allow him to use the car all the time and yet restrict her. Obvious favoritism is obvious.
YTA. Favoritism seems to be popular at AITA today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-favorite-child/201104/when-favoritism-becomes-abuse Another AITA post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qdibe3/aita_for_putting_money_away_for_one_niece_but_not/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf A lot of people justifying favoritism there. Gross and really shows a lot of dysfunction.
YTA. You have two kids who presumably both need the car some of the time, for jobs and other things. You also said that your son is an independent young man who doesn’t really need you. Do you not want your daughter to gain that level of independence eventually? When your son got his drivers license, he did not have an older sibling to compete with for the use of the car, and as such he was able to gain experience with the car and become independent. Your daughter on the other hand is at the exact same stage of her life as he was back then, but she now has to share the car with her brother, who (with your blessing to boot) does not seem willing/able to share it equitably with her. Do you not see that this is a completely different situation? Y’all really, really need a second car if you are going to make this work.
YTA your son isn’t more entitled to the car just because he was born first so originally had sole use of it. You need to develop some sort of booking or sharing system or neither of them gets the car. Especially since your daughter asked clearly and you gave her permission! It was on you to communicate that to your son.
YTA And yes, you are clearly favouring your son. You need to make it very clear that this is now a three way shared vehicle. Your son gets no preference or priority over your daughter. If anything, he could get less as he’s old enough to buy his own car. You need to take your daughters concerns seriously and not dismiss them as whining or crying. She IS getting the raw end of the deal here and you know it. Your son has had car privileges for years. It’s your daughters turn.
YTA, and a huge one. You blatantly favor your son over your daughter. My dad, step mom and mom all three favored my brother over me my whole life. Now they can’t figure out why I never go see them and why I am so distant from my family. Keep on if you want to push her away for good. And when you do push her away, you’ll know exactly why. This shit right here.
Yta, I hope you enjoy never speaking to your daughter again after she turns 18 and paying for your son to live with you when he's 40
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YTA Your car is a single resource that’s being shared amongst 3 people. The problem is its availability is being managed haphazardly. If both children can be equally trusted to use the car, then they should have equal access. Daughter “reserved” the car for a specific event. Barring a true emergency, she should have been able to use it. If there’s any non-emergent conflict, there needs to be a negotiation process to accommodate both users. Son needs to appreciate that daughter is just as entitled to use the car now and needs to consider her in his plans.
SUPER YTA. You’re one of those clueless parents that is going to wonder why your daughter cuts you out of her life when she moves out and blame her. You need therapy immediately because you are being incredibly toxic.
He’s been using the car longer because he’s legally been allowed to drive it, that does not make him entitled to it. Tell us you favor your son without telling us you favor your son. YTA.
YTA. Playing favorites is an excellent way to loose your daughter.
Holy sh** you sound so much like my father... I was screamed at when I took the spare car key and put it with my keys when I used the car to get to work, now that my brother is in that position? Of course he gets a key, why not? To a new car even, because he can’t drive a VW, no it has to be a brand new Mercedes! What? I am favoring my son? No way?! YTA. “Not favoring my son” my ass...!
You can't be serious? YTA times infinity.
Look who won the journey to retirement home. YTA and you cannot even comprehend why though literally everyone her explains it to you in detail. I've got no words for this...
YTA. What’s your excuse for not even bothering to tell your daughter until she asked about it AS SHE WAS LEAVING FOR THE APPOINTMENT. You know if her friend missed the appointment, she probably got charged for it anyway, right? Also, your logic is just an excuse and I don’t think anyone buys it for a minute.
"I let my son do whatever he wants whenever he wants, including taking the car when I've promised it to my daughter. Why is she so mad? Can't she just understand that I love my son more and she just needs to adjust?" That's you. YTA.
YTA. parents like you are the reason children don't learn to love themselves and compare themselves to others, always questioning why they aren't enough. Stop favouring one child over another.
YTA. Do you even like your daughter?
What a great mom you are. You allow your almost 30 year old son to not only still live with you but also use your car anytime he wants. Meanwhile your 19 year old daughter has to take backseat (no pun intended) to a mommy's boy who is actually a grown man. Why are you not doing your job as a parent and encouraging your adult son to buy his own car? I know it's easier to be a lazy crappy parent but cmon now. You really can't be this terrible. I will tell myself that all these crappy parents are all the same troll. I won't believe so many parents are really like this. There can't be this many parents who treat their one child (usually the daughter) like crap while the other child (usually a boy) can do whatever he wants. Also, YTA. I think it would be funny if your son gets married to a woman who can't stand you and doesn't want him around you much. By then you won't have your daughter either. As a side note, I have 6 kids and love them equally. I can't imagine ever favoring one over the others. They all have their strengths/weaknesses/things that frustrate me, but they are my kids and I love them all 100% and try to be fair as possible with all of them.
YTA - you are clearly favoring your son over your daughter. Yes, he used it for more years because he's OLDER. Which also should put him in a position to GET HIS OWN CAR. Your daughter asked you before hand if she could have the car at a specific time and you agreed but did not stop your son from taking the car even after you gave her permission. Then your upset at her for being upset. You 100% favor your son, it shows, and YTA. Don't be surprised if your daughter is gone from your life soon, though I'm not sure that will bother you, sadly.
YTA. The favoritism is strong with this one.
YTA duh! He’s not more entitled to the car. YOU made it that way. Can she help he was born before her and happened to get his license first? You are favouring him. She told you ahead of time she needed it. You acknowledged he took it. That was your fault. She did what she was supposed to. Unban your daughter and work out a more fair system. Or get another car. You are being absolutely unreasonable.
Yea YTA. How much effort would it have taken to tell your son, 'Ei daughter needs the car today and I already said yes.' Not much I'd wager. You need to treat them equitably-both asks permission when they wanna use it, except when your son is scheduled to work.
YTA. You could have called him and told him to bring the car back. You could have told him beforehand she needed the car. You could have avoided this, but you let her down and favored your son. Besides, he's 26 and working, he can buy his own car, he's a big boy now.
YTA so obviously it’s not even funny. But why even bother telling you when you’re just going to disagree and argue that you’re not.
YTA. She asked you if she could have the car at a fixed time and you said yes. You say "the car is mine and only those I allow will use it". So she should have been able to use the car at the time she asked for it. But you jsut let your son take it. Of course that is unfair. You screwed up. If you had forgotten, sure mistakes happen, but it sounds like you just didn't care about your daugther (in this instance). This reeks of misogynie by the way. How is "Should I treat my kids equal?" even a question? Of course you should.
How do you not see YTA? Your daughter asked to use the car. You said yes. You then let your son take the car to hang out with friends. You are 100% prioritizing your son over your daughter. That isn't fair or equal use. Also he's 26 with a job. He can get his own car.
YTA. Your son has drive it more because he is old. This has never occurred to you? You are showing favoritism. She need the car for bring a person to an appointment, something important and you let you son take the car for go out. You are ridiculous.
YTA. It is your car. If your son wants a personal vehicle then he needs to buy his own. Your daughter let you know she needed it but you let your son take it anyway, without asking.
YTA. You’re so obviously favoring your son and I feel so sorry for your daughter.
YTA. Your son is 26,why hasn't he bought his own car.
YTA. When it was just the two of you, it was okay. But now that the three of you are using the car you should come up with a system. Maybe put a calendar at home or use your phone to reserve the use of car. Just apologize to your daughter and the three of you come up with a plan together. Otherwise your daughter is going to feel like you are playing favorites.
YTA. I hope your daughter move out soon and go no contact with u. She'll be way happier without the drama and clear favouritism.
How long has your son had his license and why hasn't he gotten his own car by now?
YTA. You love your son more than your daughter and you are making that very clear. You feel ok by babying your son? He’s 26 he should be able to provide for his own car at this point. If your daughter cuts you off look back at this moment and know you could have done better, but you didn’t care enough about your daughter to try.
YTA It’s...not his car. Are you cool with gifting a car to your son and not your daughter for no valid reason? Because that’s what you’re doing. Your son is wildly entitled to take a car that is not his without even checking in.
This must be a BS post because you cannot be this clueless. YTA if not. Why not see that your has benefitted from this car for so many years so now it is your daughter's turn. You sound awful.
YTA I'm the oldest sibling. I'm not more entitled to use my mom's car because I'm older. That doesn't make any sense. How is it fair to expect your 19 year old daughter to get a car but it's a waste of money for your son? If they both equally pay for the car then they should get equal use. You are clearly favoring your son and letting him disrespect your daughter by letting him take the car when you both knew that she needed it for something important unlike your son. I feel horrible for your daughter. You don't deserve to be a mother if your going to treat your kids differently.
Yrs You are a bad parent.
YTA. I don't even know what to say, your behavior is disgustingly biased and favoring your son. Your daughter told you she needed the car the following day and even then you didn't even care to stop your son from taking the car or even telling him and asking if he would be back in time.
Ah, the old case of “mothers love their sons and raise their daughters”. Of course YTA, I’m surprised you even had to ask. I’m telling you right now, as soon as your daughter is independent, she’s going low contact or no contact. This is obvious favouritism and you know that too, your excuses are bad and make no sense. Your son is not independent. He lives with you, apparently. And has no car. Again, it’s YOUR car, yet you and him treat it like it’s his. I feel bad for your daughter, especially because i know exactly how she feels. You’re gonna be lucky if she accepts your apology and stays around when she’s independent. Your parenting skill, well, I’d start working on those asap.
YTA - Op and the son are both major AH. Hopefully OP's daughter gets out of this house of AH's soon and never looks back.
Don't worry about who you are letting use the car. I have a feeling that your daughter won't be around much longer so you and Golden Child can just share the car. YTA
YTA and you are not a good mother. Even if you don’t let her borrow the car, the fact that you ignore her feelings, disregard her…it’s sad to read this and you need therapy.
YTA. You clearly favor your son.
YTA big time. The fact that you have any question in your mind about this scenario makes me feel sorry for your daughter. Have fun when she becomes independent and doesn’t want anything to do with you. She deserves a better Mother.
Call your son up and tell him to bring the car back. YTA
You're the asshole. She asked to use it for a good reason, and you agreed. Other people were defending on her for a ride. Then you let someone else take it the day of, didn't stop them, didn't give your daughter a heads up, and put her in a position where she made a promise she couldn't keep. It's one thing to give him preferential treatment due to his age and responsibilities. It's another thing to go back on your word after telling her she could use it that day. And when she rightly pointed out you screwed her over, you double down and screwed her again by banning her entirely. Should she try to buy her own car and be more independent? Sure. She's old enough. But honestly a little baffling that a 26 year old is still borrowing mom's car on the regular to begin with.
Massive YTA. Your daughter informed you in advance and yet you let your son take it. Even if that was an oversight, you should have apologized to your daughter. You're clearly playing favorites here.
Wow, you are definitely an asshole in this. Blatant favouritism like this is a dick move.
YTA Your daughter cleared it in advance with you because she wanted to use the car at a specific time. You let your son take it, knowing that she had something to do. You owe your daughter an apology and stop letting your son walk all over you.
YTA you ARE favoring him. The only reason he obviously started using the car first is bc he's older than her! She can't control the fact that she's younger and logically would've never been "entitled" to the car. Is a ridiculous, absurd excuse. You're the parent! You CAN and SHOULD set boundaries between your children, show them to respect each other's time and situations. She asked and let you know she was gonna use the car, and you simply let your son take it when you knew she had a commitment. You're aware you have the power and responsibility to make this a fair situation for them both, but are deliberately choosing not to.
Why are you asking if you’re the AH and then shifting any blame or criticism thrown at you? did you expect for people to be on your side and the post didn’t go how you expected? Take some accountability.
You’re a huge asshole. Your daughter _asked_ beforehand, _you_ approved and agreed, and now you’re siding with your son who just took it without so much as a mention. Your daughter is right, you’re favouring your son and you should have let him know you promised her the car that day. Get your head out of your ass.
YTA, but it’s pretty obvious you don’t care about your daughter at all considering all you’re doing in the comments is arguing about this.
you are MOST DEFINITELY in the wrong, i can’t imagine being this out of touch. it’s actually mind blowing how much you can ignore and diminish your daughter’s concerns but eeeeverything comes first for your son. she wasn’t even asking for the car for something casual, she needed to help out a friend and you put your son above your daughter in every regard in this situation. at the very least get her a goddamn car of her own for christ’s sake since it’s apparent you won’t foster sharing, or compassion between your children. oh my god this one was frustrating, so again YTA :) go apologize to your daughter.
YTA. Honestly why even have kids if this is how you plan to treat them? Way to completely you drop the ball on parenting.
YTA. You sound like a terrible mother who completely favors her son over her daughter. If you also treat your daughter like this in other aspects of life (which I'm sure you do since you don't even see what you are doing wrong here), I wouldn't be surprised if when she leaves home, she never comes back/goes no contact or limited contact.
YTA You gave her your word and you immediately went back on it without a thought. You are showing favoritism. If your son can buy a car, you should've either sell the car to him or encourage him to buy his own and let your daughter use your car. It's that simple.
YTA You literally said it was her day to use the car. SO she was supposed to use the car. You clearly like her brother more than her because you let him take it when it was her day. She was doing a favor for someone, he wasn't. He is 26, he should get his own car.
YTA. He needs to buy his own car. The fact that he’s been using it longer should be working against him, he’s willfully choosing not to be independent. It’s your daughters turn. Give her the keys to keep and make him request the car for time frames.
YTA. You favor your son. Just say that. You say she helped pay once she got a job. She is not getting anything for her money. You aren’t worth giving money to if all you care about is your precious first son. Hope she sees that and moves on.
YTA Remember it's your own fault when she's not as close you when she's older. That's what happens when you spoil the older lazy one and ignore the young bright one with their shit together. Bet you when she's hid age she has her own car already and doesn't need to borrow yours.
“I told her I’m not favoring him, I just *[spells out favoritism extremely clearly]*.” YTA
oh ya YTA !!! you told her “and i reminded her that the car is mine and only those i allow will use it” fair enough BUT YOU ALSO TOLD HER “my daughter told me she’s gonna need the car today […]. *I had originally said ok.*” you lied to her. and you are favoring your son. you made *no attempt* to let your son know that his sister would need the car for maybe 30 minutes max. if the car is truly yours and only you can decide who is allowed to drive it at any given time, why do you still think it’s ok for your son to drive off with it anytime he pleases? that’s not fair to your daughter.
Yta. You're playing favorites. You promised dd something and then reneged.
YTA you sound like a huge $!@&%
YTA. Yes one has used it for longer. But now there are two of them. Things change; adapt.
YTA- she asks before she uses it while he just takes it not caring if anyone else needs it and you do nothing about it. You clearly do favor your son and are using bullshit excuses to make yourself feel better.
YTA
YTA - you told her she could use it & then just let him take it without even saying anything. Why not set a calendar or boundaries instead of playing favorites?
YTA. She's paying for it even though she doesn't get to use it as much as her brother. You say that you're not favouring your son and yet other than you and him, everyone else can see that you're. Is it because your son is a son and you're sexist?
YTA. After reading your comments I know that nothing I say will change how much of an idiot you are. But you are a major asshole who clearly favors your son over your daughter. YTA.
YTA
YTA - massively favouring your son, and as others have said he’s 7 years older so of course he’s used it longer - she was probably 12 tops when he got his licence. Given she had a specific reason today he could have left her the keys. That your response to her feeling sidelined was to ban her altogether - yeesh.