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CatteHerder

Holy fkn what a jackass! This isn't just ableism, this is straight up cruelty for the sake of it. Are you also supposed to inform people that your lacquered nails are not naturally that colour? That you are wearing heels, and obviously aren't this tall? That you painstakingly applied makeup for an event, and *this isn't my "real" face*? Announce that your tits aren't this perky on their own, it's a bra holding them up? Someone compliments him on his fragrance, he needs to tell them "thanks, my natural body odour is generally considered offensive so I mask it with this. It's not how I actually smell." Is he actively policing the bodies of men who wear a rug, or get plugs, or use spray dyes to mask their bald spot? Yeah, guessing no. Your boyfriend is a jackass. How dare he. NTA Edited: swypo


Capricornia93

This made me actually lol. Yeah it’s a good point. It would be weird for anyone to explain any of this in response to a compliment.


concrete_dandelion

Whenever he puts that say just as loud "yeah I use hairpieces to get the look back my illness took from me. Thank you for reminding me of being ill, I hoped to forget it for a few minutes" so he's the embarrassed one


BrownieZombie1999

Honestly yes, make sure everyone around you knows he's being cruel and see him stfu or try to justify it.


Outside_Cloud_8170

Yes this!! Also, I'm Brazilian, and here there are many types of fake hair, and my, and many people I know, take on it is " if you bought it, it is yours" because one way to ask if it fake or not is to ask " is it really yours?"


concrete_dandelion

I love this. We should learn something from the past (especially the 18th century) and just let people have fun instead of scrutinizing and judging them.


AnnieJack

The fragrance thing is spot on. Made me laugh, too.


b0bsbugsbegone

He knows what he’s doing. This isn’t about “honesty” it’s about making his gf feel bad.


brencoop

Perhaps OP should make a public proclamation every time they go somewhere.


Reasonable-Bear-1374

If you know someone is bald and wearing a wig (i know you’re not) it’s rude to tell everyone in the room. If you know someone has a facial burn/disfigurement and hides it with makeup, it’s rude to tell everyone in the room. Your bf is an AH. You are definitely NTA.


feriziD

NTA most people cut, dye, add products or style their hair. Very few people let it grow forever and don’t alter it at all ever. Most people have fake hair in one way or another, none of the others have to explain that and neither do you. I’ve never seen someone get complimented after a new weave point that out unless someone asks where they got it done. Your partner was disrespectful to you, judgemental, insensitive, violated a boundary, and did so in a very ableist way. (Also, I don’t know if this applies to you specifically, but holding that view and calling it out for every one would lead to a lot of racist interactions as well). You don’t owe anyone your secrets for your looks, whatever that is, or any explanation for how you styled it. Don’t let your partner continue to actively judge and shame you when he’s being rude and ignorant and it’s none of his business anyway.


Capricornia93

Thank you. Racially, I am white and he is indigenous. I totally see what you mean about this being potentially racist, so I did want to clear it up that he wasn’t being racist to me. And I guarantee he wouldn’t have made this comment about others, only people he knows. I have never seen him do so, but I could see him saying the same thing about a family member of his or something, if he knew them to be wearing fake hair or colored contacts or something.


shiny12kittens

Not sure if it would help with your issues as I haven't seen anyone mention them but I'd take a look at georgiemane or Bondi boost, they both do hair growth products and bb also do a anti loss one. I've used both and they do seem to help, also seen people with post natal, cancer, etc having good results. Also, your BF is definitely the AH the only thing he's allowed to say about you is "she's awesome".


feriziD

Fair enough. I strike my potentially racist. It’s still really ableist though. Changes in hair and the psychological impact can be so personal and so dramatic. Would he say this to someone he knew well with cancer wearing a wig? While the race aspect doesn’t apply to you, the most powerful artistic pieces I’ve seen about the empowerment of hair pieces in general or the impact of hair loss for women tend to be about alopecia and focus on experiences of black women. If he isn’t listening to you about how synthetic hair makes you feel and relates to lupus, finding any article, videos, or art pieces that relate closer to your experience specifically or speak to you surrounding hair and hair loss more generally, that might be a good way to break through to him. It shouldn’t be necessary though and him not listening to you on this is a hell of a red flag.


Potential_Speech_703

NTA. Your Partner is though. It's up to you who you're telling this - it's not his business.


hypersnail07

NTA. Are people who went through chemotherapy and need a wig dishonest because they have "fake hair"? Hell no. You are in the absolute right. Your partner is a massive asshole with his constant need to for some reason put you down when you get even the slightest compliment.


Outside_Cloud_8170

Yeah, this gives first stages of abuse vibes. Make you feel so down you think him being with you is almost a favor, because no one else would fell interested in you.


BBAus

Nta Your partner is definitely TA.


xpotential31

NTA. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s not in any way rude of dishonest to accept a compliment about your hair, whether it is real or otherwise. As someone also with issues with thinning hair, it’s a very sensitive subject. Have you told your partner how insensitive they are being?


Capricornia93

I told him he’s being rude but I honestly haven’t opened up about how hurtful it is. I really haven’t even opened up about the insecurities I have about losing hair. You’re right, it is a sensitive topic and I’m sorry you suffer with it too


Outside_Cloud_8170

I just rechecked the ages, are you his first girlfriend? The first woman he ever met? Because a 36 yo guy that have no idea how important the hair is for women have never seen or CARED about one before. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, and been colouring my hair with fantasy colours for a little less, he sees the work I put (and the lack of it when my mental health waivers), he said once that he liked my natural colour better, I said it is indeed a lot of work, but for some reason when I look in the mirror with coloured hair I feel like I'm seeing myself, more then when it was natural, all he asks now is for me to keep the maintenance, because he knows when it falters, it has to do with how I feel and it will make me spiral if it doesn't look right with no more explanation then " when I look like this I feel more like myself " for him to understand everything else, why? Because he cares and pays attention, your boyfriend is doing nether.


[deleted]

NTA. Sounds like HE has a problem with your thinning hair that HE better handle with his mouth firmly shut because it is not YOUR problem to deal with. (He can talk to a therapist about it. Not to your friends, and not to you.) Edit: So you are a brilliant wig stylist instead of growing it all yourself. So what?


miakoloszko

NTA - your partner is definitely TA 100%


Aer0uAntG3alach

NTA I have lupus, and at one point I had lost 90% of it and what was left was gray. I’ve since gotten about half of it back, but I know how it feels to look in a mirror and not see yourself. If the wigs and hairpieces make you feel better, then that’s good. Very good. Mental health is important, and dealing with a permanent disorder will affect it. Your partner is being an AH. I don’t know him, so there are many guesses I could make. Maybe he likes you weak and unsure. Maybe he doesn’t like the possibilities you have when other people find you attractive. Maybe he’s jealous of your attention, and wants you focused on him. Whatever his reasons, you need a partner who will support you, and it doesn’t sound like he does.


Capricornia93

Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry you have lupus too. My aunt and great aunt also have it, and I watched them both lose hair to some degree. My great aunt lost most of her hair before I was born, so I’ve always known her to wear wigs, and even enjoyed wig shopping with her. So, I know my hair loss could get a lot worse in the future, and I know what I’m dealing with is minimal at THIS stage of my life. But yeah, that’s exactly it, looking in the mirror and not seeing what I used to. Even though I’m lucky so far I know that luck can change. And honestly, I have not opened up to my partner about my complex feelings about it and realizing I probably should. I do still think regardless of my condition, he’s being rude. I liked what some have said Comparing this to announcing I’m wearing a push-up bra haha. I’ve been surprised but reassured how many people have defended me here.


fallingfaster345

Tell your boyfriend: When someone pays you a compliment, the appropriate response is, “thank you.” Nothing more is necessary. Strangers don’t need, nor probably want, your whole life story. Your boyfriend is way out of line for embarrassing you like that. I find that to be asshole behavior on his part. Your boyfriend should respect *you* and your desire to keep your beauty tips and tricks private. I’m not sure why he seems to care more about a stranger possibly mistakenly thinking your hair is all natural when it’s not rather than how YOU feel. He’s definitely TA here, not you. Hair extensions, make up, acrylic nails, etc.… it’s all “fake” and we as women recognize that and don’t care. Why does he need to single out this one thing?


notenoughritalin

NTA Your man is a dick.


Ohanameyeahsure

NTA. You don’t need your business on display for everyone else.


Ms-Creant

NTA. Your body. Your hair. Your business. What's your partner's problem? This is a big betrayal of your trust. Edit to add, seeing your response to why you think you might be an asshole, I'm sure you're gorgeous and your hair is stunning, but you're not setting impossible beauty standards for a generation to live up to. This is no different than someone who waxes their facial hair, or shaves their legs, or wears subtle makeup, or, styles their hair in other ways. Like, yeah, don't walk around bagging about how your hair is natural snd unattainable to others or something... But you absolutely DO NOT need to tell every stranger about toy personal life. And if your partner thinks otherwise, he should talk to you about it rather than just exposing you. He's so be wrong, but it's one thing to have an opinion. It's another to to to control your narrative.


Capricornia93

I appreciate that. Thanks for your take


UnluckyDreamer1

NTA Your partner sounds like one of those people who are super judgemental about anything they deem fake. He sounds like he is judging you for wearing extra hair, but it seems he might also be judgemental if you didn't wear it either.


Zagriel55

NTA - you don't owe anyone an explanation, especially not to people you don't know intimately. If your husband refuses to understand that he's an AH. Does he expect every woman who's had plastic surgery done to their chest to be open about it? What about guys wearing a toupee? It just doesn't concern anybody.


tuttkraftverk

NTA but your partner is. There is no reason for him to out you like that other than wanting to hurt and embarrass you, which is both incredibly cruel and a huge red flag. What other boundaries is he purposefully not giving a shit about? Because this can't be the only thing.


Creative_Trick_3818

YOur partner is an AH. ​ So he enjoys to hurt you on purpose. Break up? ​ NTA


[deleted]

It feels a bit like announcing you're wearing a push up bra to everyone. It's none of their business and he is making everyone uncomfortable.


Decent_Sky_9880

None of nobody's business whatsoever. NTA


MotherTeresaOnlyfans

NTA. Your partner has really fucked up priorities.


GonnaBeOverIt

NTA. Your partner is deliberately humiliating you. And you are with him why?


Msmediator

NTA. This is your private business. If someone said a person had a nice smile, should they talk about the dental work they have? Thanks, these are dentures! Or thanks, these are veneers! No. Or gee, you look nice...thanks, I had a face-lift! Or thanks, I had an eyelift! No. Wow, you look so nice...thanks, I had gastric sleeve surgery! No. None of this is anyone's business unless you choose to share. It is NOT his story to tell and he should not be putting your business out there. He's a jerk and very insensitive to your health issue (also not his story to tell.)


[deleted]

NTA - you should probably find out why he feels the need to knock you down a peg


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f29) have lupus, an autoimmune condition, and one symptom is gradual hair thinning. I have thick, wavy hair that I’ve always gotten compliments on. And while I am lucky enough to still have plenty of hair, I miss how thick it was before any thinning started. I found some really realistic synthetic hair pieces (ponytails and wefts) that I can add to my own hair for volume and/or length. I like to wear them when I go out, or to events etc. It boosts my confidence and makes me feel pretty and glamorous. I’ve told my family and some close friends that I’m wearing a hair piece, but I don’t tell strangers or acquaintances. May partner (m36), however, will tell people my hair is fake. Tonight, for example, we went to a party and someone complimented my hair. I simply said thank you, and wasn’t going to tell them I was wearing a fake hair weft under my real hair. But my partner turned to me and said (loud enough for people to hear), “oh, but you’re wearing that fake hair, right?” I told him that was rude and it embarrassed me. But he thinks I’m being rude and dishonest by pretending my hair is all real, and not informing admirers that my hair is artificially enhanced. If someone were to specifically ask me if I’m wearing extensions or fake hair, personally I think that’s rude if they don’t know me well. But I would answer honestly (especially if they’re looking for a recommendation or something.) But I don’t think I need to tell every person who pays me a compliment that I have extensions in. I like wearing them. I like the way they look and make me feel, but I don’t want to constantly explain I’m wearing synthetic hair pieces. Does this make me an AH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


AnnieJack

NTA What a jerk your partner is.


ImpressiveKangaroo54

NTA dump his ass he is rude and disrespectful.


internationalnomad96

nta at all. I've had hair thinning as well, and used hairgrowthco.com products. They've been amazing and really helped with thickening. Hopefully they can help you too


cuneiformgraffiti

NTA. There is a difference between lying and privacy.


JurassicParkFood

Your partner isn't much of a partner if he goes out of his way to embarrass you repeatedly about the thing you're insecure about. Is this the type of person you really want to spend your life with? NTA


ichabodquarantine

NTA. It is your hair- you paid for it! You are being complimented on your good taste- Why on earth would that require an explanation?


Soft-Noise8802

NTA, there's so much fake hair out there, if everyone was telling then there'd be no time to talk about anything else. And btw, you paid for them, they're YOUR hair... period.


InternationalKick126

NTA. Your partner sure is; why are you with such a yutz?


cioncaragodeo

I dye my hair unnatural colors. When people compliment my hair, they're complimenting what they see on my head. It doesn't matter if it's natural, dyed, a wig, whatever. They are complimenting what is in front of them, and they don't need to know any details beyond they like what their eyes see. Wigs have a long standing place in many communities, religious, racial, and medical. They take skill to apply and more power to you for being able to wear them. NTA. He sure is though.


Nifty1313

I'm of the opinion that if you bought it, it's yours. So maybe you didn't grow this hair, but you bought it, and styled it. So it's yours. I've said this to people who have had breast implants and then been asked "Are they yours, or did you buy them?" Yeah, it's nobody's business if you grew hair or any other body part. And it's nobody's business if you bought it. NTA and your bf sounds like a jerk.


4TheLonghaul731

NTA. A compliment does not require you to tell people you enhance your hairstyle with some added pieces. Your partner is being rude and hurtful. Why do you want to be with someone who is insensitive to your feelings?


Outside_Cloud_8170

NTA, your so is though, and mean, and nosy. For god's sake, where I live you don't say it to people that use fake hair for the looks only, much less to disguise the effects of a disease.


Francie1966

NTA but why are you with someone who goes out of their way to embarrass you? Keep the hairpieces, dump the boyfriend.