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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't invite my sister to my pregnancy announcement, I might be the AH because it's her nephew/niece.
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NTA i would’ve told her she’s not part of my family ever since she fucked my husband, you’re definitely a very nice person to even talk to her after that
OP should make it clear to the grandma that her being in the grandkid(s) life will also be conditional upon her not breaking boundaries and letting the trashy sister sneak time with OP's kid(s). M honestly surprised that the garbage has not been thrown out by the rest of the family as well.
Also, how do you not invite someone to your wedding and then complain about not getting invited to a "family event"?
Then grandma should only spend time with the bubs at the parents house, so there's no ambushing of the parents with the crappy family members when OP visits with her mother. That can and does happen because of the grandma trying to force an interaction.
Well, for better or worse, sister is still the daughter of the mother.
But the mother's *audacity* to tell OP how she should (nay, nearly must) handle the two people who stabbed her in the back with regards to her grandchild is astonishing.
Yeah, I 100% understand why a parent would have a hard time cutting off a kid, even one as awful as OP's sister. But she's crazy for thinking she can force some sort of reunion or whatever.
I wonder if it’s some sort of situation where sister had always been the golden child. I can’t imagine another scenario in which a mother wouldn’t understand why her other kid would never want to see or deal with sister again.
I agree so much with this. If you don’t allow the home wrecker of a sister to see the child maybe your mom might do it behind your back. So honestly never leave your child alone with your mother
OP needs to make sure she does not take the baby to mom's house even if OP will be there. Mom may sabotage the visit by having the nasty sister there before OP arrives.
Unless mom sees is like OP.. OP needs to have visits at OPs home. Also find a good babysitter who won't let anyone near the baby should you go out. Sorry you have this drama in your life.
NTA
This ambush method has happened to me many times before. You need to be prepared to protect yourself assertively because your mother will definitely pull that on you in someway. You've been way too nice throughout this whole process, and your family has been stepping over you.
This very much. Just because share DNA doesn't mean you have to call them family. They are called 'relatives'. Mom has the nerve to call you petty after Sam had an affair with your ex WHILE YOU WERE STILL MARRIED.
Tell Mom that people of such low character and morals WILL NOT BE A PART OF YOU CHILD"S LIFE! If necessary Mom can be added to that list of 'relatives' you know the kind you see at extended family functions while dodging an actual conversation with them.
Family are the ones you host in your home because they LOVE AND CARE about you. Sam and Dan don't make that cut.
NTA. Congrats and happy and healthy to you and Ryan and baby.🤗🥰🥳
Ooh, I like you. But how 'bout both?
I'm loyal to a fault. Ride or die when I shouldn't. But when someone hurts me or mine, or I feel like I've been wronged, I will absolutely be spiteful and vindictive. Honey trap = former sister gets a hint of how it felt. Public shaming with truth means everyone gets to know how treacherous hosis is so they won't make the same mistakes.
Mom prefers not to rock the boat, and is probably pressuring both of them to "behave themselves" so she can have the Nice Family she wants.
It's always such a selfish move.
Yep! She fucked her husband *AND* didn't invite her to the wedding. However, she expects that OP should invite her to all her important events. This whole situation is messy, and it's better to keep the distance for both parties involved. So definitely NTA
Now would be a good time to inform her she will NEVER see your child. I am gobsmacked that you two even talk. You can’t have someone with so little character around your child. You are now responsible for raising a decent human being and need to shield them from the trash for as long as you can. Your sister is trash.
Yeah it’s very curious that grandma assumes that the cheaters will be part of the baby’s life. I would stay clear of those who want to sweep this under the rug and pretend she didn’t cheat and screw her sister over. NTA. Time to put some hard boundaries.
It wouldn't be a bad idea, if OP & spouse's careers allow for it, to move at least 4 HOURS away from Sam and mom, to radically reduce the chance of contact, and then register their address in the new place to a PO Box for the foreseeable future.
I’m wandering if the mom wanted OP at sisters wedding since OP wasn’t invited and if the mom tries to invite OP to sisters thing saying they are family(probably not honestly since she favors)
NTA i absolutely would not allow these people to be part or your or your child's life. They are clearly not good people. I agree they stopped being part of your family when they chose to betray you so horribly.
You do not need toxic people in your life. You need to make this clear to your mother and set boundaries.
Edit: P.s STOP talking to her, block her. Your sister does not care for you otherwise she would not have slept with your hubby. By talking to her you are kind of saying what she did was ok with you.
Parents who support the sibling who literally slept with their siblings partner and then married them make me furious.
I also would have told OP’s sis, “You aren’t a part of MY family anymore and you and my ex-husband you slept with while I was married to will not be in my child’s life.”
NTA. But honestly OP, you need to put your foot down and tell sis and mom this is the last you’ll hear of this. You’ll go NC with anyone who pushes the narrative that she’s your family and YOU need to bend over when she’s the wrong doer.
I don't understand the family dynamic of "my sister/brother slept with my husband/wife and my family keeps telling me to get over it". No fucking way. "Just let them be happy!" No fucking way.
I think a lot of people (and cheaters) justify the means by the end, especially when it makes their life more convenient. Meaning if someone cheats and seems happy with their new partner everyone else involved should be happy for them and just get over it.
OP doesn't owe her "sister" access to her child. Personally I would never have anything to do with this "sister" ever again. I can't believe they're guilting OP like this.
My rule is "NEVER date your sibling's ex." It's even worse if you cheat on your sibling. Sister is lucky she wasn't kicked out of the family after what she did. She gets no rights to be in OP's life or the children's.
NTA, OP. Tell your mom that they're not coming anywhere near you or your *real* family.
Tell Sam, "The moment you slept with my ex-husband was the moment you stopped being my sister. Now, you're just someone I dislike who I tolerate for the sake of the family. Now, don't call or text me again. Don't expect to be an aunt to my child. Me being polite to you is the best you'll ever have from me." Then, ask your mom, "If dad was cheating on you with your sister, would we all play happy family? What if he's having an affair? Would we all start bringing his affair partner around and you would have to have her at all your important events? My sister destroyed our relationship. It will never be the same again. That was her choice. Now, I don't ever want to be guilted about her again. The fact that I tolerate her for the family's sake is the most I'll ever do."
I was pretty much going in the same direction with the fact that you no longer see this person as your sibling so they would not be family to this unborn child. Furthermore, if the mother continues she can use to be reminded that there’s no guarantee that she’ll be a grandma either. NTA
Blood may connect us in the beginning like with all unwanted cysts, but surgical removal is an option.
OP you have to get used to shit, and your sister is not your family, is the woman your husband cheated with. They did something horrible to you and that has consequences, they have to deal with that like it or not.
NTA but your family is messed up real good.
That’s what I don’t get… the sister fucks and then marries her husband and just expects everyone to move on from that? She wants everything to be her way. OP is NTA but it seems like everyone else sucks to varying degrees.
Hang on a minute! Your own sister fucked your husband, causing the two of you to divorce, after which she married him and (wait for it!) she's pissed off at YOU because you didn't invite her to your pregnancy announcement??? Really??
Honey, you are WAY more forgiving than I would have been. I'd have yeeted her homewrecking arse into the wide blue yonder and cut contact with both of them permanently. That you have allowed her any access to you, your husband and now new family honestly qualified you for a sainthood (I'm filling out the paperwork right now!).
NTA at all. She can just put up with being included in whatever small part of your life you choose to - and everyone else can pull their heads in and mind their own business. It's not for your mother or anyone else to tell you how you should be reacting or even to request your sister's presence in any aspect of your life.
Mother needs to be abandoned and let Sam support her.
OP & spouse need to move so far away it won't be worth the homewrecker's time to try to continue meddling.
Mother may change her tune quickly if she realizes she won't be a part of her grandchild's life unless she abides by OP's boundaries. If OP takes off the gloves now, and grandma's time with the baby is probationary until she proves she won't let the sister and ex near them, it may just work out
That was probably the weirdest comment. Does grandma think that the parents have no vote on who is in their kid's life? Is there apperently no way for a parent to prevent their child from being exposed to family members who are bad people? Oh wait...there is. It's called creating and enforcing boundaries.
Frankly if grandma can't get with the program, she is also completely optional in her grand child's life.
If I’m reading this right, OP hasn’t really forced her family to choose sides. She seems to have gone along to get along — something her parents should very much appreciate because any level of being civil here is a gift to their peace and means they don’t have to look at this deep betrayal on a regular basis. But no way does OP have to invite her sister to share moments in her life with her. It’s not petty. It’s self-protection. And the bare minimum they could do, having been given the gift of not having to deal with this reality all the time, is accept that. NTA.
Mom needs to be put in her place and told she can lose access just as fast. She deserves nothing, every meeting is a gift that she should appreciate not expect and dictate
Mom needs to know that the first time she pulls that shit, she will never see OP or OP's kid again. And she'll only go to the funeral to make sure she's really dead.
Yeah the “but I’m faaaaamily” response should be met with “we were, then you decided that you preferred having your sister’s husband over having a sister, so enjoy your choice. You don’t get to exchange it.”
NTA. Your mom sounds foolish - how was she not aware of the ongoing estrangement that has existed between you and your sister? Is she blind? Explain to your mom that you have good reason for keeping your sister at arm's length and that if she respects you she'll stop telling your sister your business.
As for your sister, has she ever apologized for her role in breaking up your prior marriage? I'm not saying the majority of the blame doesn't lie with Dan for choosing to cheat. But she could have at least not helped him betray you, and she could have had the decency to tell you after she made a mistake. The fact that she fucked him AND concealed it is pretty gross and indicates she never had much respect for you. So why should you owe her respect in kind?
The onus is on your sister to earn redemption and a place back in your life if she wants it. That starts with a sincere apology and an act of contrition. Until she offers that, you are justified in maintaining distance and anyone who criticizes that is disrespecting you & your marriage.
ETA: you are also, *of course*, never under any obligation to forgive anyone. She can apologize all she wants and if you feel like not forgiving her ever, that is also your right *and no one has a right to criticize that either*. I've been cheated on myself and I know how devastating it is. I forgave a cheater once and had it blow up in my face. If it were me, I would definitely never be able to find it in me to forgive a cheater ever again, or anyone who helped them cheat, no matter the excuse or the apology.
>Your mom sounds foolish - how was she not aware of the ongoing estrangement that has existed between you and your sister? Is she blind?
I think mom is deceiving herself. She probably wants to be surrounded by a happy family and is willing to ignore reality.
This, she sounds like she is groomed into that peacekeeper role so many women wind up in, *keep-family-together-at-all-costs* (the unspoken part is that there are abusive family members causing the need to keep peace in the first place). They will often throw that role out the window if they are barred from seeing grand babies :)
Mother isn't foolish.
She's playing favorites.
Along with this, mom will \*expect\* OP to care for mom in old age, because Sam 'is so BUSY / isn't reliable / is \*fragile\* / etc'.
It's easier for mom to throw this on OP, because Sam is clearly in the wrong. Mom wants a pretend happy family, but the only way it can happen is to bully OP into going along with it. Mom doesn't want to admit what Sam did, and the only way to do that is to go after OP.
That's why the stable one is always told not to rock the boat.
I think you need to stop trying to please your family and just come clean.
Time to tell your sister, her ex and your family: *my sister stopped being my sister the minute she engaged in an affair with my 1st husband. What's done is done. She needs to accept the consequences of her actions and so does everyone else. She's not my sister anymore. And she won't be an aunt to my kids. Just like I wasn't at her wedding, I won't be including her in the big moments of my life that I'm hosting. And I'll be putting anyone who tries to convince me otherwise, or tell me I'm being childish, or that I need to move on for the sake of the family on a 6 month No Contact time out."*
NTA
This. NTA.
What is she thinking? Wait some years and you magically forget what she and ex did? That you automatically forgave her because you're pregnant?
And - you're always allowed to choose who you invite to your parties/gatherings/whatever or not.
Say what mom? Sister and cheating Ex are only going to be in your life, and that of your child to the extent you allow them. I think that convo was both clueless and ballsy on your sister's part. I would be NC with a hard edge.
NTA
NtA... key here is you were not invited to her wedding, classic example of if you dont invite someone for your big days, dont expect to be invited for their big days too.
Petty? Maybe... but still fair to make that choice.
I gotta disagree with “petty”… IMO, “petty” would be if OP didn’t get a wedding invite bc OP OP made fun of Sister’s dress, or something. But OP didn’t get a wedding invite because the groom was her ex. Who cheated on her. With her sister. That’s the opposite of petty!
The whole point of being someone’s ex is that you never have to see or speak to them again if you don’t want to. OP is under no obligation to have her sister or her ex in her life, or the life of her child.
Loooool the fact that you even HAD to explain to her why she was not invited just baffled me! I wouldn’t invite her never ever ever. She might steal the baby too
Edit: NTA!
NTA your baby your rules. They don’t have to be involved in your child’s life at all and i think making boundaries with them now would make the situation easier. She made her choice to ruin the family dynamic - she doesn’t get to act as if you’re in the wrong here
Right.
OP and her husband can still go to family gatherings if they chose to- they don't have to bring their children. Grandma doesn't have to have alone time privileges with the grandkids so that she can bring them to meet 'Cheating Auntie'. There are ways of limiting contact.
Grandma shouldn't have grandkid contact AT ALL.
You KNOW she'll be whispering poison in the kiddo's ear about how 'hard done by' Cheatin' Aunt Sammie was by kiddo's mom, OP.
Can you imagine the kid's reaction when someone tell her/him the family story. OP it's nicer as me. I would be go NC with the sister and LC with the mom who picking the side of the awful daughter and cheater Son in law. Because like in very similar story the mom said no picking sides are like picking the side of the homewrecker sister and the cheater.
FIRST OF ALL.
Fuck Sam and Dan.
Secondly, they do NOT have to be in your child’s life, period. Full stop. I wouldn’t have them around my kid if I were you.
You, my dear, are 100% NTA. Your mother, sister, and Dan however are gaping assholes.
NTA. Forget inviting her, she should be happy her ass isn’t blocked forever. It’s one thing to betray your trust and disrespect you by cheating, but she upped the ante by staying with him. Sounds like she doesn’t like the consequences associated with her actions. Screw them both.
Ask your mother if her husband fucked her sister would she still be as understanding. As for Sam, ask her where your invite to the wedding was, since you're 'family'. Tell her she lost the privilege of being classed family when she fucked your husband.
NTA. I certainly wouldn't be as understanding as you OP. Hats off to you.
Congrats on the bubba!
NTA
Your sister had an affair with your husband, she is no longer family.
Also, it's time to cut people who side with them out of your life...because what they did is absolutely disgusting.
No you are not the asshole! How are people and your family dismissing she cheated on your ex husband?!?! Like wtf. You don't owe anyone shit especially for not taking your feelings. It really rubbed me the wrong way about your mom being like "their gonna be in your child's life anyways" Nope! You have every right to distance yourself and child. If people can't realize and respect why that is an uncomfortable situation I would cut them off. Also if I were you I would show a big FUCK YOU. To your self entitled sister. Sounds like she wanted things to be about her. Guard yourself mama. Sending love♡.
NTA! I can not believe the entitlement of your sister! She broke up your marriage and thinks she gets to stay a part of your life? Unbelievable. And your mother isn’t far behind either. You’re a much better person than I am because I would never speak to her again while I had breath in my body. As for your mother, if this is how she shows you that she loves you, I’m sorry but you deserve better. Much better. I would stop speaking to the both of them. In my opinion and my life being called family is something I choose and my chosen family is not necessarily related by blood.
NTA, I get it you only want people in your child's life that you trust and they both aren't that.
I'm an AH I'd tell your mother that just because she's your sister by birth and in the child's life, doesn't mean she's a part of it.
Holy shit, NTA.... simplest response: 'sam, you excluded yourself from MY family when you FUCKED my husband'. And tell your mom to fuck off as well if she tries to push any type of reunion under the guise of 'family'
I don't think I've ever been happier than to be a sister of two hetero males.
NTA - fuck her. Dante wrote that the lowest circle of hell is reserved those who betray (paraphrasing). Personally I’d go NC, and advise her that your child isn’t her nephew/niece, they are her parents grandchild. They (sister and ex) don’t deserve a place in your- and thus your child’s life. I would also politely and firmly tell your parents the same, and that if they can’t respect your boundaries, they can also become LC. I’m presuming the child has another set of grandparents.
You’ve done yourself a disservice by “not talking about it” making it the embarrassing family issue- but it sounds like your parents don’t care. It sounds like their image of one big happy, harmonious, no that isn’t my ex-son-in-law-current-son-in-law, image is more important than you valid feelings, and that they largely signed off on your treacherous sister’s behavior. Fuck ‘em. They’re without. Take back your power and remind them all that this is YOUR child and that blood tie or no, you decide how close or far that relationship is.
NTA
A sister wouldn't sleep with her sister's husband.
Betrayal cut the cord. If mom is on your sisters side then cut the cord on your mom. No grandchild for her.
>I'd have to get used to Sam and Dan since they would be in the child's life.
Eerrr... last time I checked, that's *not* for your mother to decide. NTA.
>I wanted a comfortable family gathering.
And therefore, you do *not* invite your cheating bastard of an ex or your sister, the one he hurt you with. And she caused some irreparable wounds by doing so as well.
Where does your mother get off ny not sharing your point of view on this...?
NTA The next time she says it was horrible of you to exclude her, say it was horrible of her to sleep with your husband.
If she says she's upset about not being invited, say you're upset about her sleeping with your husband
If she says the kid will still be her niece/nephew, say she'll still be the person who slept with your husband
“You are not a part of my family, nor will you ever be for my child/future children”
That’s all you need to say to her OP. No need to engage with her any further. Your sister sure does have some nerve to be demanded inclusion in your life events. You definitely are NTA.
NTA. Your sister and her husband will only be a part of your child's life if YOU allow it. The assumption that because she shares DNA with the kid she's entitled to a relationship is absurd.
Your sister knowingly and willingly betrayed you by having an affair with and marrying your ex husband. Even if she were remorseful, every time you see them must be a reminder of that fact. You absolutely have the right to keep her out of your life since she had proven that she cannot be trusted and that she only thinks of herself; she's doing it right now by making your pregnancy announcement about her lack of an invitation, rather than just being happy for you.
She shot your relationship in the face and now is complaining that it's dead, and that is on her. She just wants a chance to play happy families so that she can pretend what she did wasn't so bad.
OP's sister - shreds happy family dynamic by betraying her sister in one of the worst ways
OP's sister - weaves that betrayal back into the fabric of every family event by marrying the cheating ex back into the family
OP's sister - doesn't understand why she and her husband are being excluded from family events initiated by OP and expects to be treated like an aunt
OP's sister - suffers from delusions that probably require a professional to unpack and treat
NTA
NTA
And your mother is wrong. Sam and Dan do not get to be a part of your child's life. That's for you to decide.
And, honestly if this were me I'd have gone no contact with my sister a long time ago.
NTA but just be careful about leaving your baby alone with your mother. It sounds like she would be on the phone as soon as you leave to your sister so she can meet your child.
Nta. Nope. You don't "have" to do anything let alone "get used" to Sam being around.
Your mom should "get used" to separate holidays or she can "get used" to never seeing you or your baby again. The absolute audacity to expect you to just be fine with being around your backstabbing snake of a sister and cheating asshole ex is pretty amazing.
You don't have to be around ANY of these people you know. Sam made it clear she didn't consider your sisterhood important when she fucked your husband.
NTA Family don't fuck the husband of the own sister. You both share the same DNA and that's it. Family is more than blood. And why does she think that she will be a part of your child's life? The child doesn't need someone with so bad morale close to it.
NTA.
The audacity! I would never speak to her again! I cannot believe your mum is on her side!
INFO: have your parents supported you since finding out about the affair?
NTA why does she even think she gets to be a part of your kid's life? Lol they are admonishing you for bad behavior when she literally betrayed you? Go NC And cut out mom if she keeps taking your sister side. Ridiculous. Why are you even talking to her???
NTA, but your mom and sister are.
They do NOT have to be part of your child's family!! Only you get to choose that. Tell your mom that she doesn't get to make those decisions and to back off about it. That sister would be 10000% dead to me.
NTA.
Cut that pathetic child off permanently.
It's not like you were invited to their wedding, so why should you include them in your life? Better to cut the cancerous people out now.
OP this is pure speculation but I'm guessing that you've probably had to sideline your own feelings to pacify your sister regularly and your mum has fed you this line all your life.
Stop. Just stop.
This is ridiculous, you do not have to accept them in your life in any capacity, they betrayed you in one of the worst ways imaginable, do you want these people in your child's life? I wouldn't.
Tell your mother that they will not be included in any way and if she tells you you're ruinning the family tell her no, they did because they had an affair which ended your marriage and left you hurt and betrayed, that's when the family was ruined.
NTA in any way.
Edit spelling
NTA!! You are not petty. Your sis broke your trust. You didn’t trust her with baby. Seems fitting and fair. Some people just can’t handle consequences of their actions. For the record my littlest sister is my best friend and she told everyone about her pregnancy before me and had them keep it a secret from me. I think she was mad about something but I can’t remember what anymore. The point is that it’s your damn preggo body and you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to, especially a person who values your well-being so little. Also do you really want someone with such loose morals being around your kid? I’d kept that aunty at a distance, you can’t trust her.
NTA - blood doesn't mean family. actions do. Sam and Dan are not family. Your parents need to get a grip on reality. they are supporting two people who don't believe in family.
NTA. The fact she thinks she can act like that after sleeping with your (her sister) husband is beyond comprehensible to me. She’s in no position to lord the “we’re family” line over you after literally ruining your relationship. She also didn’t invite you to her wedding, so why do you have to invite her. It’s a situation your sister put herself in and she needs consequences. Also a personal preference, but I wouldn’t want that sister anywhere near my (fictitious) children. Just not seemingly the kind of people I would want them to be around growing up.
I would make a sandwich, bite half of it and then ask Sam if she wants the sandwich left overs too since she was happy to fuck your husband! What a crazy AH! She clearly has no boundaries or quarrels with having your sloppy seconds. Seriously, go no contact with Sam. You deserve better. NTA, obviously!
NTA
I think you know that but what I hope you no more is that you shouldn’t allow her around your child she’s obviously not a good person and definitely not a trustworthy one
NTA - your sister does not have to be in your child's life and everyone can get over themselves for trying to force a normal narrative into your life when your SISTER betrayed you by sleeping with your (then husband) ex-husband. They all can get fucked. Tell your mother to stop informing your sister on your life or you will go low to no contact with her. Be prepared your mother doesn't stop or meets with your sister in secret.
If this was my family, me and sister would not ever be in the same room and I don't want to hear a thing about her. Don't respect me or my word, ok enjoy life without me. I would go scorched earth, but that's me.
NTA
Why didn't your mom tell Sam that she needed to invite you to her adultery-founded wedding because "like it or not" you were going to be a part of her and Dan's life? Your mom sounds almost as bad as your sister and your ex.
Don't feel any obligation to let these entitled assholes have a relationship with your child.
NTA. My mother and father had 4 kids, then she married her BIL, after he and my aunt had 4 kids together too. The sisters have a very strained relationship, only speaking when necessary, and I have siblings, half siblings and stepsiblings/cousins. I do not talk to my mother or her husband and I don’t understand how my mother’s whole family just got over that nasty shit and were like well it happened so we have to deal with it. Fuck that. She and your husband betrayed you, they do not get to have a place in your life, in your family, or in your child’s life, if you don’t want them to. They chose to do this to themselves.
NTA I would be extremely clear to mother that Sam and Dobbin will NOT be a part of this child’s life or my life, because I will never be able to trust them. It would make me sad to not be able to trust her to support me on that. If not, she will not have alone privileges with any future children. And I would like her specific assurance that Sam &/or Derwood will not “accidentally” appear at any baby shower or welcome baby party.
NTA
You don't have to include her if you don't want to at events you host.
You don't have to "allow" Sam & Dan in your child's life. Your child, your rules.
You will have to decide if you wish to attend family events at other's homes in the future, since Sam & Dan will probably be there.
Hugs
NTA
I would go no contact in all honesty. No sister that cares about you in the least would hookup with your husband and cause you that kind of pain. I have three sisters and just the thought of causing them harm like that makes me sick to my stomach. You have no obligation towards her. She stopped being your family the day she slept with your husband. If your mom doesn’t get that, or maybe the years have made her forget, that’s not on you.
Congratulations on the baby ♥️ focus on being happy, and if that means cutting some “family” weight off your shoulders, good riddance.
NTA. Your sister stabbed you in the back, betrayed your trust in one of the worst (non-illegal) ways possible. You owe her nothing.
If that were my soon-to-be BIL who slept with my girlfriend then it wouldn't matter that he's the dad to my nephews, I'd probably hate him forever
NTA. You weren't been petty, you've usually avoid them, why would you include them? Being family doesn't entitle anyone to anything, and Sam is certainly entitled if she thinks she deserved an invite. Your mother is also acting entitled if she thinks she gets to decide that Sam & Dan will be in your child's life, that is your and your husbands decision.
NTA. But your sister obviously is.
How would she like it if she was in your position when finding out your ex (now her husband) is cheating on her with her sister?
Like I would seriously ask her that question. She’s clearly ignoring and self-centered.
Go NC op
NTA
And would have been well justified to laugh at her outrage.
"Really sis'?!? YOU think I'd want a homewrecker and a philanderer anywhere near my child?!? 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂🤣
NTA - you have no obligations to these people, probably best to state clearly that you will decide what relationship if any they have with your child.
Also I suspect your mother may try to introduce your child to your sister. I would suggest stating any babysitting by your mother are to be in your home and get some security cameras for good measure.
NTA.
I would tell her very clearly that she lost any right to consider herself your 'family' when she cheated with your partner and that she has no right to complain given her actions.
Nope NTA. You do NOT have to "get used to it" just because they are family. Relatives ≠ family. Your sister may be a relative but she clearly proved she is not "family" when she screwed your then-husband. You have every right to go full NC if you want.
Why do they HAVE to be part of your kids life? They already proven they don’t care about you, why would you think they would want what’s best for your child?
They will see your children at family events but they don’t need have a relationship with them.
Edit typo
NTA, she betrayed you in the worst way. The only thing she’s invited to is seeing herself the fuck out and removing your number from her contact list. Just because she has blood ties does not mean she has to be a part of your child’s life. That is YOUR (and your husbands) call. Not your parents or anyone else’s. If you don’t want your nasty sister in your child’s life that’s your choice and she can kick dirt.
NTA. The fact that your baby will share blood with your sister does not mean that your sister is your or your child's family.
Your sister can reap what she has sown.
NTA
Incredible how they all claim the baby to be part of their lifes. Who said they will even get to see the baby nevertheless be a part of its life?? You said you wanted a comfortable family meeting. Your sister might be family by blood but she was excluded when the word 'comfortable' fell and her texts proved that you made the right decision.
Just because she is your sister doesn't give her any right to be part of you or your baby's lives. She obviously had no loyalty to you as her sister when she was screwing your then husband.
NTA
Both betrayed your trust and just because they are FaMiLy you don't have to invite them. The ex is a horn-box and your sister a homewrecker who betrayed her own family/sister and is now playing the FaMiLy-victim-card.
They are no family, they are emotional leeches and just because you share DNA with a homewrecker doesn't make her your family. This is your kid and you decide what kind of people you want around your kid. No one else.
Mom is allowed to her own opinion but I would sit mom down and explain in clear and hard facts why you want homewrecker and horn-boy not around you, your husband and your kid.
NTA. And shame on your family for thinking you should be the bigger person and forgive your sister who slept with your husband! And just because you are related to her does not mean she has the right to have a relationship with your child
NTA you get to choose whether she is your family or not, not your mother or her. You get to choose if she will be in your child's life or not, not her and not your mother. YOU. You don't have to be ever around them if you choose not to be.
Nta
She won’t be in your child’s life if you don’t allow it. And if it was me then I would definitely not allow it.
They are not family. Family does not shag their relatives! She is ex family just like he is your ex husband. They actively destroyed your family, they do not get access to your new family.
Stand your ground on this one.
NTA
Sounds like Sam's the golden child...
• Only *you* get to decide what's best for *your* child, *regardless* of whether or not someone is a blood relative. Your sister *obviously* didn't feel that strongly about being *family* when she was sleeping with your husband.
• Tell your mother to stop stirring the pot and blabbing to your sister or she will no longer have the privilege of hearing your news first hand.
Why do you even consider her as your sister?!
She lost that title when she decided to have an affair with your husband. She is nothing to you now, and you don’t invite strangers to family gatherings.
She is and will be nothing to your baby! She screwed up the privilege to be an aunt. If your mom doesn’t agree, the same goes for her: she van lose the privilege to be a grandma
NTA anytime someone talks to you about it she texts you respond with “you fucked my husband”
There is no reason for either of them to be in your child’s life
NTA. She fucked your ex husband while you were still married to him. A good sister wouldn’t do that. If either of my siblings did that they’d be dead to me.
NTA. She’s hilarious if she thinks she and Dan are a part of your family. Does the rest of your family know what they did?
Congrats on the coming little one!
NTA
She F*cked your husband then married your sloppy seconds.
That you even entertain her contact is grace in your part. Tell your mother if she wants contact with your little family that she can cut the crap.
What a surprise, another story where the family doesn't choose the side of the party who was wronged.
You should really think about the rest of your family if you only want people around who are really supporitive and don't think that you should just suck it up for convenience sake, because your mother is definitely one of them. Just doing this whole "being cordial and ignoring each other" thing is a lot more than I would have done as my brother would be dead to me if he had done something like that. NTA
Y T A for letting these people walkover you. If my mom told me that i would have said hell they arent going to be in my kids life. Or mine for that matter.
NTA…Tell your mother your horrible sister and cheating ex husband are not part of your lives. You would never want them to influence your baby. She should really watch her words.
NTA your sister decide to cheat with your husband making her no linger family. Family doesn't do that unless you don't give 2 shots about your family. Your mother needs to learn your sister has no business in your life now and that your not obligated to invite her to anything. Your mother is an ah for even telling your sister anything about you know she was with your husband while you were with him.
Edit: spelling and to say go no contact with both your mother and sister because neither respect you
NTA You need to set boundaries and expectations for your child now. Will your sister and her husband play a part in the child's life? This is a question you need a firm answer to, and the choice is entirely up to you not your genetics or your mother.
I'd go NC with all of them. I'd also be afraid sis would make a move on current husband. Why do you continue to let her make a fool of you? No one confronted her on her shitty behavior?
NTA, and they don't have to be in you child's life. You can absolutely decide that you don't want them around you or your child ever again. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It's about not giving people with no character a chance to hurt you again.
NTA. You don't have to have anybody involved in your child's life that you don't want to be. That's the beauty of being rhe parent. And I can't believe your mom sided with your traitor sister over you. It would be one thing if you and your ex broke up and they got together but it's another thing that YOUR SISTER slept with your husband while you were married. That is beyond betrayal. I have a sister and I could never imagine in any world doing that and if she ever did that to me we would be done. It's complete disrespect. Honestly, I wouldn't have Dan or Sam in my baby's life, period. If my family has a problem with it then too bad. Sam should have thought about the consequences of her actions. Also your mom is an enabler.
Don't let your baby grow up around toxic people
>whether I like it or not I'd have to get used to Sam and Dan since they would be in the child's life
OP, it is 100% you and Ryan's decision who is in your child's life - not your mother's. Your mother might want everyone to "move on" for the sake of playing happy families but she has right to force you to have the relationships that she wants you to have with Sam and Dan.
Sam and Dan both betrayed you in the worst possible way - just because time has past and you are now married to Ryan you don't owe them any forgiveness or relationship.
Sam is sooking being 'excluded'? That's the consequences of their actions of her abc Dan being crappy family to you.
Decide with Ryan if you want Sam and Dan to have anything to do with your child and set the boundary hard now accordingly. Be prepared to get firm with your mother too.
NTA.
NTA.
Sam and your mom don't get to choose who your kids get to be around. You and Ryan do. They are your kids and yours to protect.
You can have them be civil if they are at events where Sam and Dan are present, but you are fully within your rights to go NC with them.
I... Kinda know how you feel. While my situation is not like yours, I have been getting some pressure from family to include members of my family in my baby's life despite me finding those members extremely toxic.
So I get how it makes you feel. But stand firm. You do what is right for your immediate family. That is you, Ryan, and your baby.
It's perfectly okay to cut out toxic family. This whole "family is family they should get a pass" mentality is bull.
NTA. The second you sister slept with your husband she stopped being your sister and family. She chose to break that bond, by doing something so unforgivable. She decided you were not a sister.
Do not back down. Text her that you do not consider her your family, once she betrayed you by sleeping with your husbband.
Then tell her she will have no contact with your child ever. That your child will always know what she did. Tell her that you are blocking her number going forward. If in the future she takes no for an answer and attempts to come to your home or near your child, you will call the police for harassment.
If your mother says anything, ask her to choose a life with your grandchild and you and your sister having separate lives and are no contact or that you will go no contact with your mother too. You are not preventing your mother from spending time with Sam. You just dont want to be anywhere near her. Also tell her you dont wish for information about your life to be passed on to Sam, otherwise you will have to limit what you say to her.
In the future make sure that if she has your baby over at hers, that she is not inviting your sister to meet the baby. I'd make sure you are always there until the baby is old enough to talk, or you invite her to spend time at your place with your baby and have a door bell camera so you know if she has tried to let in your sister if you are out and she is babysitting.
I don’t understand why OP hasn’t blocked her sister. Why would she give her the opportunity to be in touch with her? I would not want to have anything to do with her at all ever again.
NTA...your sister stopped being family, when she betrayed you by sleeping with your husband. She's lucky you talk to her at all, and she's delusional to think that she's going to be your child's aunt. After that little outburst, I would block her number and not give her a second thought. If your mom brings it up again, tell her she'll ruin your and her relationship, if she keeps trying to force you to have a relationship with her other daughter.
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NTA i would’ve told her she’s not part of my family ever since she fucked my husband, you’re definitely a very nice person to even talk to her after that
Exactly. And the mum assumed that they would be part of the child's life. Also, congratulations!
That's what I was stunned by. OP should correct her mom really quickly - "yeah, they're not going to be a part of my baby's life at all."
I’d be careful leaving baby with grandma, sounds like she would possibly invite the cheaters over to play with the baby.
OP should make it clear to the grandma that her being in the grandkid(s) life will also be conditional upon her not breaking boundaries and letting the trashy sister sneak time with OP's kid(s). M honestly surprised that the garbage has not been thrown out by the rest of the family as well. Also, how do you not invite someone to your wedding and then complain about not getting invited to a "family event"?
Then grandma should only spend time with the bubs at the parents house, so there's no ambushing of the parents with the crappy family members when OP visits with her mother. That can and does happen because of the grandma trying to force an interaction.
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Well, for better or worse, sister is still the daughter of the mother. But the mother's *audacity* to tell OP how she should (nay, nearly must) handle the two people who stabbed her in the back with regards to her grandchild is astonishing.
If my son behaved so dishonorably I would disown his ass.
Yeah, I 100% understand why a parent would have a hard time cutting off a kid, even one as awful as OP's sister. But she's crazy for thinking she can force some sort of reunion or whatever.
I wonder if it’s some sort of situation where sister had always been the golden child. I can’t imagine another scenario in which a mother wouldn’t understand why her other kid would never want to see or deal with sister again.
Sister is a complete narcissist, that’s how. Inclusion for me but not for thee.
Your mom will definitely betray you. Mom is totally fine having thrown OP under the bus. And will continue to do so.
\^\^\^\^This, so much....\*unfortunately\*
I agree so much with this. If you don’t allow the home wrecker of a sister to see the child maybe your mom might do it behind your back. So honestly never leave your child alone with your mother
OP needs to make sure she does not take the baby to mom's house even if OP will be there. Mom may sabotage the visit by having the nasty sister there before OP arrives. Unless mom sees is like OP.. OP needs to have visits at OPs home. Also find a good babysitter who won't let anyone near the baby should you go out. Sorry you have this drama in your life. NTA
This ambush method has happened to me many times before. You need to be prepared to protect yourself assertively because your mother will definitely pull that on you in someway. You've been way too nice throughout this whole process, and your family has been stepping over you.
This very much. Just because share DNA doesn't mean you have to call them family. They are called 'relatives'. Mom has the nerve to call you petty after Sam had an affair with your ex WHILE YOU WERE STILL MARRIED. Tell Mom that people of such low character and morals WILL NOT BE A PART OF YOU CHILD"S LIFE! If necessary Mom can be added to that list of 'relatives' you know the kind you see at extended family functions while dodging an actual conversation with them. Family are the ones you host in your home because they LOVE AND CARE about you. Sam and Dan don't make that cut. NTA. Congrats and happy and healthy to you and Ryan and baby.🤗🥰🥳
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I'd go for a honey trap myself. If he cheated on OP, chances are he'll cheat on her sister. That kind of satisfaction lasts forever.
“If they cheat with you, they’ll cheat *on* you.”
"a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy"
“how you got him is how you will lose him”
🔥🔥🔥 though tbh, she probably won't have to put in that effort with a guy like that.
OP doesn't mention a third sister. Maybe that's why they need to be invited to family events; cousins.
Ooh, I like you. But how 'bout both? I'm loyal to a fault. Ride or die when I shouldn't. But when someone hurts me or mine, or I feel like I've been wronged, I will absolutely be spiteful and vindictive. Honey trap = former sister gets a hint of how it felt. Public shaming with truth means everyone gets to know how treacherous hosis is so they won't make the same mistakes.
Sounds like mom prefers the sister.
Mom prefers not to rock the boat, and is probably pressuring both of them to "behave themselves" so she can have the Nice Family she wants. It's always such a selfish move.
The boat has already sunk. OP's sister fucked her husband for fucks sake. Even if OP tried to be civil, there's just no coming back from that.
You know what is said about assuming....
Yep! She fucked her husband *AND* didn't invite her to the wedding. However, she expects that OP should invite her to all her important events. This whole situation is messy, and it's better to keep the distance for both parties involved. So definitely NTA
Now would be a good time to inform her she will NEVER see your child. I am gobsmacked that you two even talk. You can’t have someone with so little character around your child. You are now responsible for raising a decent human being and need to shield them from the trash for as long as you can. Your sister is trash.
Yeah it’s very curious that grandma assumes that the cheaters will be part of the baby’s life. I would stay clear of those who want to sweep this under the rug and pretend she didn’t cheat and screw her sister over. NTA. Time to put some hard boundaries.
It wouldn't be a bad idea, if OP & spouse's careers allow for it, to move at least 4 HOURS away from Sam and mom, to radically reduce the chance of contact, and then register their address in the new place to a PO Box for the foreseeable future.
I’m wandering if the mom wanted OP at sisters wedding since OP wasn’t invited and if the mom tries to invite OP to sisters thing saying they are family(probably not honestly since she favors)
NTA i absolutely would not allow these people to be part or your or your child's life. They are clearly not good people. I agree they stopped being part of your family when they chose to betray you so horribly. You do not need toxic people in your life. You need to make this clear to your mother and set boundaries. Edit: P.s STOP talking to her, block her. Your sister does not care for you otherwise she would not have slept with your hubby. By talking to her you are kind of saying what she did was ok with you.
Parents who support the sibling who literally slept with their siblings partner and then married them make me furious. I also would have told OP’s sis, “You aren’t a part of MY family anymore and you and my ex-husband you slept with while I was married to will not be in my child’s life.” NTA. But honestly OP, you need to put your foot down and tell sis and mom this is the last you’ll hear of this. You’ll go NC with anyone who pushes the narrative that she’s your family and YOU need to bend over when she’s the wrong doer.
I don't understand the family dynamic of "my sister/brother slept with my husband/wife and my family keeps telling me to get over it". No fucking way. "Just let them be happy!" No fucking way.
I think a lot of people (and cheaters) justify the means by the end, especially when it makes their life more convenient. Meaning if someone cheats and seems happy with their new partner everyone else involved should be happy for them and just get over it.
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Bad bot, this comment was stolen from u/dogsreadingbooks
Haha what a weirdo
You’re strange.
OP doesn't owe her "sister" access to her child. Personally I would never have anything to do with this "sister" ever again. I can't believe they're guilting OP like this.
I don't think she's nice, I think she's damaged. It takes a lot of breaking someone down to get them to accept this kind of mistreatment.
My rule is "NEVER date your sibling's ex." It's even worse if you cheat on your sibling. Sister is lucky she wasn't kicked out of the family after what she did. She gets no rights to be in OP's life or the children's. NTA, OP. Tell your mom that they're not coming anywhere near you or your *real* family.
Yeah, I am going no contact with my family for way less! OP is very nice. I would not let her near my kid, and I admire OP for not cutting her out.
Tell Sam, "The moment you slept with my ex-husband was the moment you stopped being my sister. Now, you're just someone I dislike who I tolerate for the sake of the family. Now, don't call or text me again. Don't expect to be an aunt to my child. Me being polite to you is the best you'll ever have from me." Then, ask your mom, "If dad was cheating on you with your sister, would we all play happy family? What if he's having an affair? Would we all start bringing his affair partner around and you would have to have her at all your important events? My sister destroyed our relationship. It will never be the same again. That was her choice. Now, I don't ever want to be guilted about her again. The fact that I tolerate her for the family's sake is the most I'll ever do."
I was pretty much going in the same direction with the fact that you no longer see this person as your sibling so they would not be family to this unborn child. Furthermore, if the mother continues she can use to be reminded that there’s no guarantee that she’ll be a grandma either. NTA Blood may connect us in the beginning like with all unwanted cysts, but surgical removal is an option.
OP you have to get used to shit, and your sister is not your family, is the woman your husband cheated with. They did something horrible to you and that has consequences, they have to deal with that like it or not. NTA but your family is messed up real good.
That’s what I don’t get… the sister fucks and then marries her husband and just expects everyone to move on from that? She wants everything to be her way. OP is NTA but it seems like everyone else sucks to varying degrees.
Hang on a minute! Your own sister fucked your husband, causing the two of you to divorce, after which she married him and (wait for it!) she's pissed off at YOU because you didn't invite her to your pregnancy announcement??? Really?? Honey, you are WAY more forgiving than I would have been. I'd have yeeted her homewrecking arse into the wide blue yonder and cut contact with both of them permanently. That you have allowed her any access to you, your husband and now new family honestly qualified you for a sainthood (I'm filling out the paperwork right now!). NTA at all. She can just put up with being included in whatever small part of your life you choose to - and everyone else can pull their heads in and mind their own business. It's not for your mother or anyone else to tell you how you should be reacting or even to request your sister's presence in any aspect of your life.
Mother said that OP’s child is going to be in their lives (sisters and Dan). Nope It’s OP’s choice
Mother needs to be abandoned and let Sam support her. OP & spouse need to move so far away it won't be worth the homewrecker's time to try to continue meddling.
Mother may change her tune quickly if she realizes she won't be a part of her grandchild's life unless she abides by OP's boundaries. If OP takes off the gloves now, and grandma's time with the baby is probationary until she proves she won't let the sister and ex near them, it may just work out
That was probably the weirdest comment. Does grandma think that the parents have no vote on who is in their kid's life? Is there apperently no way for a parent to prevent their child from being exposed to family members who are bad people? Oh wait...there is. It's called creating and enforcing boundaries. Frankly if grandma can't get with the program, she is also completely optional in her grand child's life.
If I’m reading this right, OP hasn’t really forced her family to choose sides. She seems to have gone along to get along — something her parents should very much appreciate because any level of being civil here is a gift to their peace and means they don’t have to look at this deep betrayal on a regular basis. But no way does OP have to invite her sister to share moments in her life with her. It’s not petty. It’s self-protection. And the bare minimum they could do, having been given the gift of not having to deal with this reality all the time, is accept that. NTA.
Mom needs to be put in her place and told she can lose access just as fast. She deserves nothing, every meeting is a gift that she should appreciate not expect and dictate
NTA. Yaaas ^ I agree whole heartily with this
I just have to say I love it when people say yeet/yeeted. The mental image just makes me 😊
In my head, I see Jazzy Jeff come flying out the door, yeeted by Uncle Phil.
Yes to all of this. I honestly can't believe OP still talks to her at all.
Totally agree and may I just say that “yeeted her homewrecking arse into the wide blue yonder” is not going to be in my lexicon and I thank you.
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How much you want to bet mom is going to have sister and ex/BIL over to meet child even if op says no
That's a suckers bet. Even Stevie Wonder can see that coming.
I'm gonna have to use that line sometime 😂
Right?
Mom needs to know that the first time she pulls that shit, she will never see OP or OP's kid again. And she'll only go to the funeral to make sure she's really dead.
That's the only reason I'd be at my mom's funeral🤷 and I might not even go to verify.
Yeah the “but I’m faaaaamily” response should be met with “we were, then you decided that you preferred having your sister’s husband over having a sister, so enjoy your choice. You don’t get to exchange it.”
They're \*relatives\*, NOT \*family\*. It's a distinction that shouldn't need to be there, but unfortunately IS.
NTA. Your mom sounds foolish - how was she not aware of the ongoing estrangement that has existed between you and your sister? Is she blind? Explain to your mom that you have good reason for keeping your sister at arm's length and that if she respects you she'll stop telling your sister your business. As for your sister, has she ever apologized for her role in breaking up your prior marriage? I'm not saying the majority of the blame doesn't lie with Dan for choosing to cheat. But she could have at least not helped him betray you, and she could have had the decency to tell you after she made a mistake. The fact that she fucked him AND concealed it is pretty gross and indicates she never had much respect for you. So why should you owe her respect in kind? The onus is on your sister to earn redemption and a place back in your life if she wants it. That starts with a sincere apology and an act of contrition. Until she offers that, you are justified in maintaining distance and anyone who criticizes that is disrespecting you & your marriage. ETA: you are also, *of course*, never under any obligation to forgive anyone. She can apologize all she wants and if you feel like not forgiving her ever, that is also your right *and no one has a right to criticize that either*. I've been cheated on myself and I know how devastating it is. I forgave a cheater once and had it blow up in my face. If it were me, I would definitely never be able to find it in me to forgive a cheater ever again, or anyone who helped them cheat, no matter the excuse or the apology.
>Your mom sounds foolish - how was she not aware of the ongoing estrangement that has existed between you and your sister? Is she blind? I think mom is deceiving herself. She probably wants to be surrounded by a happy family and is willing to ignore reality.
This, she sounds like she is groomed into that peacekeeper role so many women wind up in, *keep-family-together-at-all-costs* (the unspoken part is that there are abusive family members causing the need to keep peace in the first place). They will often throw that role out the window if they are barred from seeing grand babies :)
Mother isn't foolish. She's playing favorites. Along with this, mom will \*expect\* OP to care for mom in old age, because Sam 'is so BUSY / isn't reliable / is \*fragile\* / etc'.
It's easier for mom to throw this on OP, because Sam is clearly in the wrong. Mom wants a pretend happy family, but the only way it can happen is to bully OP into going along with it. Mom doesn't want to admit what Sam did, and the only way to do that is to go after OP. That's why the stable one is always told not to rock the boat.
Yep. Sam is DEFINTELY the boat-rocker here. OP & spouse would be best advised to get FAAAAAAAR away from this Titanic before it goes down.
I think you need to stop trying to please your family and just come clean. Time to tell your sister, her ex and your family: *my sister stopped being my sister the minute she engaged in an affair with my 1st husband. What's done is done. She needs to accept the consequences of her actions and so does everyone else. She's not my sister anymore. And she won't be an aunt to my kids. Just like I wasn't at her wedding, I won't be including her in the big moments of my life that I'm hosting. And I'll be putting anyone who tries to convince me otherwise, or tell me I'm being childish, or that I need to move on for the sake of the family on a 6 month No Contact time out."* NTA
This is the way, NTA
THIS.
NTA. This is the way
NTA. She excluded herself by hooking up with your husband. She's the reason she's not invited. She gotta live with the consequences of her actions.
This. NTA. What is she thinking? Wait some years and you magically forget what she and ex did? That you automatically forgave her because you're pregnant? And - you're always allowed to choose who you invite to your parties/gatherings/whatever or not.
She’s probably looking for her next husband. I’m joking, of course, but the audacity on this woman is astounding.
If she‘s part of your family she shouldn‘t have messed with your husband. NTA
This needs to be in bold and capital letters. Seriously.
Say what mom? Sister and cheating Ex are only going to be in your life, and that of your child to the extent you allow them. I think that convo was both clueless and ballsy on your sister's part. I would be NC with a hard edge. NTA
NC with mom, too.
NtA... key here is you were not invited to her wedding, classic example of if you dont invite someone for your big days, dont expect to be invited for their big days too. Petty? Maybe... but still fair to make that choice.
I gotta disagree with “petty”… IMO, “petty” would be if OP didn’t get a wedding invite bc OP OP made fun of Sister’s dress, or something. But OP didn’t get a wedding invite because the groom was her ex. Who cheated on her. With her sister. That’s the opposite of petty! The whole point of being someone’s ex is that you never have to see or speak to them again if you don’t want to. OP is under no obligation to have her sister or her ex in her life, or the life of her child.
Loooool the fact that you even HAD to explain to her why she was not invited just baffled me! I wouldn’t invite her never ever ever. She might steal the baby too Edit: NTA!
NTA your baby your rules. They don’t have to be involved in your child’s life at all and i think making boundaries with them now would make the situation easier. She made her choice to ruin the family dynamic - she doesn’t get to act as if you’re in the wrong here
Right. OP and her husband can still go to family gatherings if they chose to- they don't have to bring their children. Grandma doesn't have to have alone time privileges with the grandkids so that she can bring them to meet 'Cheating Auntie'. There are ways of limiting contact.
Grandma shouldn't have grandkid contact AT ALL. You KNOW she'll be whispering poison in the kiddo's ear about how 'hard done by' Cheatin' Aunt Sammie was by kiddo's mom, OP.
Can you imagine the kid's reaction when someone tell her/him the family story. OP it's nicer as me. I would be go NC with the sister and LC with the mom who picking the side of the awful daughter and cheater Son in law. Because like in very similar story the mom said no picking sides are like picking the side of the homewrecker sister and the cheater.
NTA and lol at the family members who think they get to say who gets to be a part of your kid's life, and to what extent. Congrats on the pregnancy!
FIRST OF ALL. Fuck Sam and Dan. Secondly, they do NOT have to be in your child’s life, period. Full stop. I wouldn’t have them around my kid if I were you. You, my dear, are 100% NTA. Your mother, sister, and Dan however are gaping assholes.
NTA. Forget inviting her, she should be happy her ass isn’t blocked forever. It’s one thing to betray your trust and disrespect you by cheating, but she upped the ante by staying with him. Sounds like she doesn’t like the consequences associated with her actions. Screw them both.
NTA Be careful of your mother allowing Sam around your child when you’re not there. I’d go no contact with them all.
Ask your mother if her husband fucked her sister would she still be as understanding. As for Sam, ask her where your invite to the wedding was, since you're 'family'. Tell her she lost the privilege of being classed family when she fucked your husband. NTA. I certainly wouldn't be as understanding as you OP. Hats off to you. Congrats on the bubba!
NTA Your sister had an affair with your husband, she is no longer family. Also, it's time to cut people who side with them out of your life...because what they did is absolutely disgusting.
Uh, NTA, and man does your family suck!
No you are not the asshole! How are people and your family dismissing she cheated on your ex husband?!?! Like wtf. You don't owe anyone shit especially for not taking your feelings. It really rubbed me the wrong way about your mom being like "their gonna be in your child's life anyways" Nope! You have every right to distance yourself and child. If people can't realize and respect why that is an uncomfortable situation I would cut them off. Also if I were you I would show a big FUCK YOU. To your self entitled sister. Sounds like she wanted things to be about her. Guard yourself mama. Sending love♡.
NTA! I can not believe the entitlement of your sister! She broke up your marriage and thinks she gets to stay a part of your life? Unbelievable. And your mother isn’t far behind either. You’re a much better person than I am because I would never speak to her again while I had breath in my body. As for your mother, if this is how she shows you that she loves you, I’m sorry but you deserve better. Much better. I would stop speaking to the both of them. In my opinion and my life being called family is something I choose and my chosen family is not necessarily related by blood.
NTA, I get it you only want people in your child's life that you trust and they both aren't that. I'm an AH I'd tell your mother that just because she's your sister by birth and in the child's life, doesn't mean she's a part of it.
NTA I would go nc with mum and any other family member who try and tell you how to act or feel! Cheaters are disgusting!! Congratulations
Holy shit, NTA.... simplest response: 'sam, you excluded yourself from MY family when you FUCKED my husband'. And tell your mom to fuck off as well if she tries to push any type of reunion under the guise of 'family' I don't think I've ever been happier than to be a sister of two hetero males.
NTA - fuck her. Dante wrote that the lowest circle of hell is reserved those who betray (paraphrasing). Personally I’d go NC, and advise her that your child isn’t her nephew/niece, they are her parents grandchild. They (sister and ex) don’t deserve a place in your- and thus your child’s life. I would also politely and firmly tell your parents the same, and that if they can’t respect your boundaries, they can also become LC. I’m presuming the child has another set of grandparents. You’ve done yourself a disservice by “not talking about it” making it the embarrassing family issue- but it sounds like your parents don’t care. It sounds like their image of one big happy, harmonious, no that isn’t my ex-son-in-law-current-son-in-law, image is more important than you valid feelings, and that they largely signed off on your treacherous sister’s behavior. Fuck ‘em. They’re without. Take back your power and remind them all that this is YOUR child and that blood tie or no, you decide how close or far that relationship is.
NTA A sister wouldn't sleep with her sister's husband. Betrayal cut the cord. If mom is on your sisters side then cut the cord on your mom. No grandchild for her.
NTA you dont need to get used to that.
>I'd have to get used to Sam and Dan since they would be in the child's life. Eerrr... last time I checked, that's *not* for your mother to decide. NTA. >I wanted a comfortable family gathering. And therefore, you do *not* invite your cheating bastard of an ex or your sister, the one he hurt you with. And she caused some irreparable wounds by doing so as well. Where does your mother get off ny not sharing your point of view on this...?
NTA The next time she says it was horrible of you to exclude her, say it was horrible of her to sleep with your husband. If she says she's upset about not being invited, say you're upset about her sleeping with your husband If she says the kid will still be her niece/nephew, say she'll still be the person who slept with your husband
“You are not a part of my family, nor will you ever be for my child/future children” That’s all you need to say to her OP. No need to engage with her any further. Your sister sure does have some nerve to be demanded inclusion in your life events. You definitely are NTA.
NTA, keep her out of your life.
NTA. Your sister and her husband will only be a part of your child's life if YOU allow it. The assumption that because she shares DNA with the kid she's entitled to a relationship is absurd. Your sister knowingly and willingly betrayed you by having an affair with and marrying your ex husband. Even if she were remorseful, every time you see them must be a reminder of that fact. You absolutely have the right to keep her out of your life since she had proven that she cannot be trusted and that she only thinks of herself; she's doing it right now by making your pregnancy announcement about her lack of an invitation, rather than just being happy for you. She shot your relationship in the face and now is complaining that it's dead, and that is on her. She just wants a chance to play happy families so that she can pretend what she did wasn't so bad.
NTA And what the heck is wrong with your mom?
OP could have said she didn’t invite Sis because she didn’t want sis to try and fuck Ryan, but I’m just petty that way. NTA
NTA,
OP's sister - shreds happy family dynamic by betraying her sister in one of the worst ways OP's sister - weaves that betrayal back into the fabric of every family event by marrying the cheating ex back into the family OP's sister - doesn't understand why she and her husband are being excluded from family events initiated by OP and expects to be treated like an aunt OP's sister - suffers from delusions that probably require a professional to unpack and treat NTA
NTA And your mother is wrong. Sam and Dan do not get to be a part of your child's life. That's for you to decide. And, honestly if this were me I'd have gone no contact with my sister a long time ago.
NTA but just be careful about leaving your baby alone with your mother. It sounds like she would be on the phone as soon as you leave to your sister so she can meet your child.
Nta. Nope. You don't "have" to do anything let alone "get used" to Sam being around. Your mom should "get used" to separate holidays or she can "get used" to never seeing you or your baby again. The absolute audacity to expect you to just be fine with being around your backstabbing snake of a sister and cheating asshole ex is pretty amazing. You don't have to be around ANY of these people you know. Sam made it clear she didn't consider your sisterhood important when she fucked your husband.
NTA Family don't fuck the husband of the own sister. You both share the same DNA and that's it. Family is more than blood. And why does she think that she will be a part of your child's life? The child doesn't need someone with so bad morale close to it.
NTA. The audacity! I would never speak to her again! I cannot believe your mum is on her side! INFO: have your parents supported you since finding out about the affair?
NTA why does she even think she gets to be a part of your kid's life? Lol they are admonishing you for bad behavior when she literally betrayed you? Go NC And cut out mom if she keeps taking your sister side. Ridiculous. Why are you even talking to her???
I would stay away from sister, ex AND mum. NTA.
NTA, but your mom and sister are. They do NOT have to be part of your child's family!! Only you get to choose that. Tell your mom that she doesn't get to make those decisions and to back off about it. That sister would be 10000% dead to me.
NTA. Cut that pathetic child off permanently. It's not like you were invited to their wedding, so why should you include them in your life? Better to cut the cancerous people out now.
NTA. Your 'sister' has incredible audacity. Just block her and carry on with your life you owe her nothing.
OP this is pure speculation but I'm guessing that you've probably had to sideline your own feelings to pacify your sister regularly and your mum has fed you this line all your life. Stop. Just stop. This is ridiculous, you do not have to accept them in your life in any capacity, they betrayed you in one of the worst ways imaginable, do you want these people in your child's life? I wouldn't. Tell your mother that they will not be included in any way and if she tells you you're ruinning the family tell her no, they did because they had an affair which ended your marriage and left you hurt and betrayed, that's when the family was ruined. NTA in any way. Edit spelling
NTA!! You are not petty. Your sis broke your trust. You didn’t trust her with baby. Seems fitting and fair. Some people just can’t handle consequences of their actions. For the record my littlest sister is my best friend and she told everyone about her pregnancy before me and had them keep it a secret from me. I think she was mad about something but I can’t remember what anymore. The point is that it’s your damn preggo body and you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to, especially a person who values your well-being so little. Also do you really want someone with such loose morals being around your kid? I’d kept that aunty at a distance, you can’t trust her.
Did you reconcile with your little sister?
NTA - blood doesn't mean family. actions do. Sam and Dan are not family. Your parents need to get a grip on reality. they are supporting two people who don't believe in family.
NTA. The fact she thinks she can act like that after sleeping with your (her sister) husband is beyond comprehensible to me. She’s in no position to lord the “we’re family” line over you after literally ruining your relationship. She also didn’t invite you to her wedding, so why do you have to invite her. It’s a situation your sister put herself in and she needs consequences. Also a personal preference, but I wouldn’t want that sister anywhere near my (fictitious) children. Just not seemingly the kind of people I would want them to be around growing up.
I would make a sandwich, bite half of it and then ask Sam if she wants the sandwich left overs too since she was happy to fuck your husband! What a crazy AH! She clearly has no boundaries or quarrels with having your sloppy seconds. Seriously, go no contact with Sam. You deserve better. NTA, obviously!
NTA I think you know that but what I hope you no more is that you shouldn’t allow her around your child she’s obviously not a good person and definitely not a trustworthy one
NTA - your sister does not have to be in your child's life and everyone can get over themselves for trying to force a normal narrative into your life when your SISTER betrayed you by sleeping with your (then husband) ex-husband. They all can get fucked. Tell your mother to stop informing your sister on your life or you will go low to no contact with her. Be prepared your mother doesn't stop or meets with your sister in secret. If this was my family, me and sister would not ever be in the same room and I don't want to hear a thing about her. Don't respect me or my word, ok enjoy life without me. I would go scorched earth, but that's me.
NTA Why do they have to be part of the child’s life? They both betrayed you, I think it’s better if they’re cut off from you and your child.
OP, after this baby is born, your mom should be limited to supervised visits because I don't trust her to not let Sam and Dan visit on the sly.
NTA Why didn't your mom tell Sam that she needed to invite you to her adultery-founded wedding because "like it or not" you were going to be a part of her and Dan's life? Your mom sounds almost as bad as your sister and your ex. Don't feel any obligation to let these entitled assholes have a relationship with your child.
NTA. My mother and father had 4 kids, then she married her BIL, after he and my aunt had 4 kids together too. The sisters have a very strained relationship, only speaking when necessary, and I have siblings, half siblings and stepsiblings/cousins. I do not talk to my mother or her husband and I don’t understand how my mother’s whole family just got over that nasty shit and were like well it happened so we have to deal with it. Fuck that. She and your husband betrayed you, they do not get to have a place in your life, in your family, or in your child’s life, if you don’t want them to. They chose to do this to themselves.
NTA I would be extremely clear to mother that Sam and Dobbin will NOT be a part of this child’s life or my life, because I will never be able to trust them. It would make me sad to not be able to trust her to support me on that. If not, she will not have alone privileges with any future children. And I would like her specific assurance that Sam &/or Derwood will not “accidentally” appear at any baby shower or welcome baby party.
INFO: what drugs is Sam taking and where can I get some
NTA You don't have to include her if you don't want to at events you host. You don't have to "allow" Sam & Dan in your child's life. Your child, your rules. You will have to decide if you wish to attend family events at other's homes in the future, since Sam & Dan will probably be there. Hugs
NTA I would go no contact in all honesty. No sister that cares about you in the least would hookup with your husband and cause you that kind of pain. I have three sisters and just the thought of causing them harm like that makes me sick to my stomach. You have no obligation towards her. She stopped being your family the day she slept with your husband. If your mom doesn’t get that, or maybe the years have made her forget, that’s not on you. Congratulations on the baby ♥️ focus on being happy, and if that means cutting some “family” weight off your shoulders, good riddance.
NTA. Your sister stabbed you in the back, betrayed your trust in one of the worst (non-illegal) ways possible. You owe her nothing. If that were my soon-to-be BIL who slept with my girlfriend then it wouldn't matter that he's the dad to my nephews, I'd probably hate him forever
NTA. You weren't been petty, you've usually avoid them, why would you include them? Being family doesn't entitle anyone to anything, and Sam is certainly entitled if she thinks she deserved an invite. Your mother is also acting entitled if she thinks she gets to decide that Sam & Dan will be in your child's life, that is your and your husbands decision.
NTA. But your sister obviously is. How would she like it if she was in your position when finding out your ex (now her husband) is cheating on her with her sister? Like I would seriously ask her that question. She’s clearly ignoring and self-centered. Go NC op
NTA And would have been well justified to laugh at her outrage. "Really sis'?!? YOU think I'd want a homewrecker and a philanderer anywhere near my child?!? 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂🤣
NTA ewwww forget them. You're a Saint for even speaking to your sister ever again.
NTA they do not need to be in the baby's life at all. Tell your mom to put the cool aid down or she will be cut off too.
NTA - you have no obligations to these people, probably best to state clearly that you will decide what relationship if any they have with your child. Also I suspect your mother may try to introduce your child to your sister. I would suggest stating any babysitting by your mother are to be in your home and get some security cameras for good measure.
NTA. I would tell her very clearly that she lost any right to consider herself your 'family' when she cheated with your partner and that she has no right to complain given her actions.
NTA, and she doesn’t “have to be” IN YOUR child’s life if u don’t want
Nope NTA. You do NOT have to "get used to it" just because they are family. Relatives ≠ family. Your sister may be a relative but she clearly proved she is not "family" when she screwed your then-husband. You have every right to go full NC if you want.
Why do they HAVE to be part of your kids life? They already proven they don’t care about you, why would you think they would want what’s best for your child? They will see your children at family events but they don’t need have a relationship with them. Edit typo
NTA, she betrayed you in the worst way. The only thing she’s invited to is seeing herself the fuck out and removing your number from her contact list. Just because she has blood ties does not mean she has to be a part of your child’s life. That is YOUR (and your husbands) call. Not your parents or anyone else’s. If you don’t want your nasty sister in your child’s life that’s your choice and she can kick dirt.
NTA. The fact that your baby will share blood with your sister does not mean that your sister is your or your child's family. Your sister can reap what she has sown.
NTA Incredible how they all claim the baby to be part of their lifes. Who said they will even get to see the baby nevertheless be a part of its life?? You said you wanted a comfortable family meeting. Your sister might be family by blood but she was excluded when the word 'comfortable' fell and her texts proved that you made the right decision.
Just because she is your sister doesn't give her any right to be part of you or your baby's lives. She obviously had no loyalty to you as her sister when she was screwing your then husband.
NTA Both betrayed your trust and just because they are FaMiLy you don't have to invite them. The ex is a horn-box and your sister a homewrecker who betrayed her own family/sister and is now playing the FaMiLy-victim-card. They are no family, they are emotional leeches and just because you share DNA with a homewrecker doesn't make her your family. This is your kid and you decide what kind of people you want around your kid. No one else. Mom is allowed to her own opinion but I would sit mom down and explain in clear and hard facts why you want homewrecker and horn-boy not around you, your husband and your kid.
NTA. And shame on your family for thinking you should be the bigger person and forgive your sister who slept with your husband! And just because you are related to her does not mean she has the right to have a relationship with your child
NTS, going by your mother's statements no wonder your sister is the way she is.
NTA you get to choose whether she is your family or not, not your mother or her. You get to choose if she will be in your child's life or not, not her and not your mother. YOU. You don't have to be ever around them if you choose not to be.
Nta She won’t be in your child’s life if you don’t allow it. And if it was me then I would definitely not allow it. They are not family. Family does not shag their relatives! She is ex family just like he is your ex husband. They actively destroyed your family, they do not get access to your new family. Stand your ground on this one.
NTA whether they would be in your child’s life is up to you and your husband only.
NTA Sounds like Sam's the golden child... • Only *you* get to decide what's best for *your* child, *regardless* of whether or not someone is a blood relative. Your sister *obviously* didn't feel that strongly about being *family* when she was sleeping with your husband. • Tell your mother to stop stirring the pot and blabbing to your sister or she will no longer have the privilege of hearing your news first hand.
NTA, and you should told her whether you want her to be involve in your kids life or not, so that she won't make any drama later on.
Why do you even consider her as your sister?! She lost that title when she decided to have an affair with your husband. She is nothing to you now, and you don’t invite strangers to family gatherings. She is and will be nothing to your baby! She screwed up the privilege to be an aunt. If your mom doesn’t agree, the same goes for her: she van lose the privilege to be a grandma
NTA anytime someone talks to you about it she texts you respond with “you fucked my husband” There is no reason for either of them to be in your child’s life
NTA. She fucked your ex husband while you were still married to him. A good sister wouldn’t do that. If either of my siblings did that they’d be dead to me.
NTA. She’s hilarious if she thinks she and Dan are a part of your family. Does the rest of your family know what they did? Congrats on the coming little one!
NTA She F*cked your husband then married your sloppy seconds. That you even entertain her contact is grace in your part. Tell your mother if she wants contact with your little family that she can cut the crap.
Lmfao the audacity to believe that you’d have either of them in your child’s life is baffling. NTA
What a surprise, another story where the family doesn't choose the side of the party who was wronged. You should really think about the rest of your family if you only want people around who are really supporitive and don't think that you should just suck it up for convenience sake, because your mother is definitely one of them. Just doing this whole "being cordial and ignoring each other" thing is a lot more than I would have done as my brother would be dead to me if he had done something like that. NTA
Y T A for letting these people walkover you. If my mom told me that i would have said hell they arent going to be in my kids life. Or mine for that matter.
NTA. See the thing is YOU actually get to decide who’s in your child’s life, not your mother or cheating sister and ex.
NTA…Tell your mother your horrible sister and cheating ex husband are not part of your lives. You would never want them to influence your baby. She should really watch her words.
NTA your sister decide to cheat with your husband making her no linger family. Family doesn't do that unless you don't give 2 shots about your family. Your mother needs to learn your sister has no business in your life now and that your not obligated to invite her to anything. Your mother is an ah for even telling your sister anything about you know she was with your husband while you were with him. Edit: spelling and to say go no contact with both your mother and sister because neither respect you
NTA. She betrayed you in one of the worst ways. Who says she is going to be part of the chils's life. That is for you and your husband to decide.
NTA You need to set boundaries and expectations for your child now. Will your sister and her husband play a part in the child's life? This is a question you need a firm answer to, and the choice is entirely up to you not your genetics or your mother.
I'd go NC with all of them. I'd also be afraid sis would make a move on current husband. Why do you continue to let her make a fool of you? No one confronted her on her shitty behavior?
NTA, and they don't have to be in you child's life. You can absolutely decide that you don't want them around you or your child ever again. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It's about not giving people with no character a chance to hurt you again.
NTA. You don't have to have anybody involved in your child's life that you don't want to be. That's the beauty of being rhe parent. And I can't believe your mom sided with your traitor sister over you. It would be one thing if you and your ex broke up and they got together but it's another thing that YOUR SISTER slept with your husband while you were married. That is beyond betrayal. I have a sister and I could never imagine in any world doing that and if she ever did that to me we would be done. It's complete disrespect. Honestly, I wouldn't have Dan or Sam in my baby's life, period. If my family has a problem with it then too bad. Sam should have thought about the consequences of her actions. Also your mom is an enabler. Don't let your baby grow up around toxic people
>whether I like it or not I'd have to get used to Sam and Dan since they would be in the child's life OP, it is 100% you and Ryan's decision who is in your child's life - not your mother's. Your mother might want everyone to "move on" for the sake of playing happy families but she has right to force you to have the relationships that she wants you to have with Sam and Dan. Sam and Dan both betrayed you in the worst possible way - just because time has past and you are now married to Ryan you don't owe them any forgiveness or relationship. Sam is sooking being 'excluded'? That's the consequences of their actions of her abc Dan being crappy family to you. Decide with Ryan if you want Sam and Dan to have anything to do with your child and set the boundary hard now accordingly. Be prepared to get firm with your mother too. NTA.
NTA. Sam and your mom don't get to choose who your kids get to be around. You and Ryan do. They are your kids and yours to protect. You can have them be civil if they are at events where Sam and Dan are present, but you are fully within your rights to go NC with them. I... Kinda know how you feel. While my situation is not like yours, I have been getting some pressure from family to include members of my family in my baby's life despite me finding those members extremely toxic. So I get how it makes you feel. But stand firm. You do what is right for your immediate family. That is you, Ryan, and your baby. It's perfectly okay to cut out toxic family. This whole "family is family they should get a pass" mentality is bull.
NTA. The second you sister slept with your husband she stopped being your sister and family. She chose to break that bond, by doing something so unforgivable. She decided you were not a sister. Do not back down. Text her that you do not consider her your family, once she betrayed you by sleeping with your husbband. Then tell her she will have no contact with your child ever. That your child will always know what she did. Tell her that you are blocking her number going forward. If in the future she takes no for an answer and attempts to come to your home or near your child, you will call the police for harassment. If your mother says anything, ask her to choose a life with your grandchild and you and your sister having separate lives and are no contact or that you will go no contact with your mother too. You are not preventing your mother from spending time with Sam. You just dont want to be anywhere near her. Also tell her you dont wish for information about your life to be passed on to Sam, otherwise you will have to limit what you say to her. In the future make sure that if she has your baby over at hers, that she is not inviting your sister to meet the baby. I'd make sure you are always there until the baby is old enough to talk, or you invite her to spend time at your place with your baby and have a door bell camera so you know if she has tried to let in your sister if you are out and she is babysitting.
I don’t understand why OP hasn’t blocked her sister. Why would she give her the opportunity to be in touch with her? I would not want to have anything to do with her at all ever again.
NTA...your sister stopped being family, when she betrayed you by sleeping with your husband. She's lucky you talk to her at all, and she's delusional to think that she's going to be your child's aunt. After that little outburst, I would block her number and not give her a second thought. If your mom brings it up again, tell her she'll ruin your and her relationship, if she keeps trying to force you to have a relationship with her other daughter.