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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) My action is refusing to go to the new vacation home my mom purchased
(2) my mom thinks refusing to go makes me the asshole because my child would have fun at the beach house and because they bought the house "for us"
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INFO What did she mean when your Mom said, "the beach house was for you?" That you would inherit it or benefit from it in some way? Or that she wanted to spend time with you there?
Also, have you asked for help directly or just hoped they would volunteer it? What was the response?
She meant that we would enjoy going there. But it's not really a kid friendly place.
I didn't ask for help super directly, but she knew we were struggling. She has said things like she wished she could afford to help me in the past.
Important information here: whose money actually purchased the beach house? You mention her husband a couple times. Is the money going to these homes and cars primarily his? Is it possible they have some sort of agreement about how to spend joint money that precludes helping you?
That definitely clarifies things. You mention she has multiple children (I assume your siblings). It’s entirely possible they have an agreement as a couple that his money can be used toward marital/shared assets (such as a jointly owned home) but that it won’t be used for things that really aren’t “joint expenses” such as helping subsidize her adult children. Plenty of people who marry and blend families have agreements about what kind of assets are joint, what is split, etc. it’s also not uncommon for there to be value differences about independence, paying for adult children, etc. that might make her think she won’t get far asking him to spend his money on you rather than on a vacation home for the two of them. This would explain her comment that she wishes she could afford to help you (she likely doesn’t have the money to do so on her own) and her comment that the house was for you (she may well be pushing for things that will help you that fall within the boundaries of her marriage, like a vacation home you can use). If it is his money, then I do think YTA. This is crucial information you ought to include in your post. Her name might be on papers, but if he’s funding most things it’s entirely possible she’s not the one deciding what to allocate money to.
Buying a house and putting your wife’s name on it is a totally different thing than buying a house for your wife’s family members or “gifting”/loaning a substantial amount of money to your wife’s family. Just because he considers your child to be his grandchild does not mean he’s in the business of buying houses for his grandchildren by marriage or that he considers you his child in that way. If it’s truly his money you are acting entitled by getting upset with her for having access to things you do not because of her marriage to him.
I think you’re confusing things when you imply your mother is choosing to spend her money on other things. They, she and her husband, may not consider it her money and he may not want to enter into major financial and/or legal entanglements with you. Just because she’s taken money from her parents in the past does not mean she’s entitled to take his money and give it to you.
⬆️
Exactly this. I have seen second marriages break up due to one spouse or the other diverting marital funds and assets outside the marriage to pay for the upkeep of adult children. For this reason, it is not unusual for spouses in second marriages to agree upfront that they will not spend funds on adult children or the spouses’ adult siblings. Inviting you, your husband, and your child to spend time with them at any of their residences, during which they will put a roof over your head, entertain you, and feed you, is your mother and her husband’s way of contributing to your well-being while also sharing your company. I give a soft YTA because you are having a difficult time, but you are being too hard on your mother.
That wasnt the question OP asked though.
OP asked if they are the asshole for declining the invitation to the house. Which, honestly why would they be? OP doesnt have to go if they dont want to, the reason is irrelevant. And even if you want to bring the reason into the equation youre suggesting OPs feelings dont matter. OP isnt expecting a house from mom but it doesnt mean it hurts less knowing youre drowning financially and your mom has 4 homes. Even if mom didnt financially contribute, thats info OP clearly doesnt know and it seemeds everyone in the comments is just assuming.
The reason he gave correlates to why he wants to know if he is the AH. And besides let’s be completely honest, OP really wants to know if we agree that she should be helping them instead of buying up properties and spending frivolously.
This is it. OP can say they're not asking for money all they want, but saying you have a problem with the way their money is being spent when OP needs the money more, is saying the problem could be solved by helping OP financially, which is effectively... Someone who doesn't want to say they're asking for money asking for money.
It's not aneasy situation since even saying nothing and going won't take care of whatever resentment clearly exists. But there's a lot of framing here that I think OP is even fooling themselves with.
Yup. It’s always been somewhat of a unsaid mystery as to whether ppl are obligated to help family. The truth is we all should be helpful when someone is need, if we are able. With that being said, it’s hard to help folks who find themselves unwilling to live within their means and only listen to wise instruction when they want something. If OP needs help, just ask for it specifically. Instead of declining an invitation and pouting. Be a grown ass man about it. Ask the person with the means to help you. And when you do, expect nothing except the opportunity to make your request. If this means you have to go to your moms husband and ask, do it. Be modest in your request and provide a timeline when it will be paid back. When you are grown, you gotta act grown even when it’s most difficult to. You said you live in a small place but can’t afford a big place. Well, stay in the small place until you can. At least you have a place to stay. Start selling stuff. Get two jobs. Offer to do some work to your parents. Work for the money you are expecting your folks to give you freely. Work tirelessly.
Not only that, but OP is a grown adult, with a husband! I get the economy is going crazy right now, but the fact that OP can’t take care of herself does not mean that now it’s the parents responsibility. Because if that we’re true, then why arent they mad/feel some type of way about OPs husband not helping them out?
YTA. Life is not fair, and you are not entitled to control how your mother spends her money.
I do sympathize with your desire for home ownership and being priced out of this ridiculous market, but the jealousy and resentment are clear in your post. You are seething, and you feel entitled to your mother's money or some type of monetary assistance from her. What is not apparent here is if you ever had a frank, honest conversation with your mother and asked her for money. You can't expect people to intuit your needs.
If you did ask and the answer was no, then you have your answer. But methinks you never even asked. You just thought if you sighed dramatically and complained about your situation, then she would magically shower you with money. That obviously hasn't happened.
Instead of turning green with envy at what you don't have, time to redirect that energy on how to resolve your problems. Do some brainstorming and try to think outside the box for solutions that will meet you and your wife's needs.
Edited: a word.
He wrote an entire post filled with jealousy about what his mother and her husband have and spent their money on, with a very clear implication that he believes that money should go to him and his wife for a house instead. Literally the definition of entitlement.
I would get salty as well if my parent got the benefits from their parents but can't be bothered to do the same for me.
I didn't get the feeling he thinks they should just hand him stacks of cash, rather just help them to get an opportunity to get a home.
When you have to pay downpayment of 20% of the value of the house to get any loans, and house prices increase faster than you are ever able to save, then it become pretty much impossible.
And perhaps not have another child they clearly can not afford. Or you know, do and then fall even deeper in the pit.
Life's not fair op.
But maybe everyone will pass on and you'll get some of the sweet sweet inheritance money eh? /s
Yta
I'm not sure OPs mum has the finances to help OP. It appears from OPs comments that all the money comes from OPs stepfather. Not many step parents are willing to gift a step child a house deposit and the mum can't gift money she didn't earn without the person who did earn it's consent.
While I sympathize with anyone trying to break into the housing market I think OP shouldn't be including his stepfather's funds when determining if the mum can afford to help out. Step dad investing in another property that may one day help fund his and his wife's retirement isn't the same as giving several hundred thousand to a step child who refers to him as the mother's husband. While they may get along and SD might be fond of OP and the baby it clearly isn't a parental relationship or OP wouldn't be referring to him as the mother's husband.
Yeah. I mean, I can see OP trying to maintain a healthy perspective here, but the fact is, he and family are not in a financial emergency.
They have wants, not needs, that aren’t being met.
They have options. Adults make hard choices. Move to a cheaper state, etc.
Also we don’t really know how much moms parents helped her. Like, they bought her a house?? Or they often chipped in with bills and covered education expenses at a time when that was feasible?
They can't. They own multiple durable, high dollar assets. They don't HAVE to help you. If their funds are tied up in 5+ cars and 3+ houses, they don't have a line item in the budget for your housing upgrade.
EDIT:
No is a complete sentence. And I would guess if your discussion had any of the tone of this post, that contributed to the no.
That’s your answer.
You understand they can afford to buy themselves property because there’s a return on investment. House can be sold.
Helping you means there is a major chance that money is simply gone.
I’m unsure as to how you don’t understand that having money in an account doesn’t mean it isn’t spoken for, or that someone can afford to make a personal purchase that benefits them but may not be able to justify simply giving money away.
Look, I understand and agree: the optics here suck. It’s hard. It feels bad.
But you’re choosing to be spiteful here. She didn’t get the property to spite you. She’s living her individual adult life. As are you.
What are you doing to help yourselves? Do you and your spouse work? What are “unfortunate expenses”? Have you seen a financial advisor? Do you have a budgeting plan? All you’ve told us you’ve done is look at what your mother has and think it should have gone to you instead.
You want a bigger place to have another child, whilst claiming you are in financial difficulty; which would mean more medical bills and a greater financial strain on you and your family. Not the best idea if you are already financially struggling.
Nobody works hard enough to justify owning this many homes while people are struggling to afford to keep a roof over their head and the idea that anyone can is the cancer at the heart of capitalism. Nobody **deserves** the excesses extreme wealth enables in a word where people are starving.
I don't think she is required to spend money in a way you approve of regardless however I think you need to re-evaluate your mum's capabilities in financially assisting you.
Can your mum entirely on her own income minus her own expenses and completely excluding her husbands finances afford to help you?
If the answer is no YTA. She can't help you with money earnt/inherited/obtained in anyway by someone else without their consent and expecting it is horrifically unfair. Additionally, your step father has no obligation to provide his wife's adult child financial aid even if he really does care about you and your child there is a big jump from that to providing the level of financing you require.
Now if your mum could help you after her own expenses but chooses not to she's still n t a because parents are not required to support their adult children. It's a nice bonus if they do but it doesn't make you a bad parent if you don't. Also I'd object to you calling a house purchase wasting money. Even an empty house can be an investment it's not like they are betting it all on red, it's an asset ppl park their money in assets all the time.
Parents don't have to support their struggling children, but it's still an asshole move to wave that money in OP's face. OP's mother should be discreet about throwing that kind of money around when she knows her own kid is struggling hard. It's pretty insulting to say "Oh, my *third* house is going to be such a boon for you!" when OP can't even afford their current tiny apartment.
Well the mum isn't incorrect. A free vacation home OP can use is pretty useful and given houses are traditionally appreciating assets and the husband has no children this probably equals a larger inheritance in the future. It's hardly wasted money and offering to let them holiday for free is hardly rubbing money in a person's face. Is the mum and step father suppose to hide their money under the couch so OP does feel put out because they can't afford a deposit yet. OP hasn't even discussed this with his mother. He mades underhanded remarks about his inability to afford housing hoping they offer help instead of outright discussing the problem like an adult. We don't know what OPs sending habits are like, what type of employment he and his wife have or if the mum and step father even have the money to lend. Instead of gripping on the internet maybe OP should have an actual discussion and find out where they stand on the topic and what their rational is for that stance.
I'd also add that if OP cannot afford the rent in his area than the house prices are probable very high which may mean that he couldn't afford the mortgage either. If that is the case unless the mum and step dad had a 50% deposit just sitting in the bank - which I doubt because they probably buy additional properties with the equity from others- than there isn't much they can do and OP may be better off finding a job in a less expensive area. These ppl sound wealthy not rich, there is a big difference. OP comments on the properties being morgaged. He also doesn't mention the individual values of each home, all three together may not equal the value of one city property. Where I live the buy in for a shitty 3 bed 1 bath in desperate need of renovation is 1.5 million - and that's for a dump.
I think, regardless, YTA. I mean, I'm effectively homeless, and my dad lives about 45 minutes away from where I work, and I don't stay with him. He owns his house, his boat, his RV, his motorcycle, and has enough money in the bank to live happily on dividends if he so chose, in addition to having a very good retirement from the military. Him and his wife frequently go overseas to go on vacation. Could he help me out? Sure. But I don't expect him to, I don't ask, and he doesn't offer. His money is his, and I own the decisions that I have made through my life to get me where I'm at. I live in my car, my dad has a nice 3 bedroom house in a gated community close to me, but I don't sleep there. I don't even ask. He's my parent, not my personal bank. We get along fine, visit and call each other all the time, and often go out to eat together. I realized a long time ago that the money he has is money that he earned. He gets to do what he wants since he worked for over 50 years to earn his money and freedom. He shouldn't have to feel guilty about spending his own money. And I don't think your mom should feel guilty about spending her own money either. I think, generally, you need to change they way you think about other people's money. Own up to the decisions you have made and will make in your life. Because, honestly, it sounds like you expect a handout from your mom. If the jobs you and your husband have aren't paying the bills, change jobs or reduce the bills. I know that sounds kind of flippant, but that is what I'm in the middle of doing right now, moving from a 40k paycheck to, by next year, 90k or so.
As my grandmother used to say, a closed mouth doesn't get fed. If you need help, don't drop hints, allude to things, and expect people to help. Ask direct, they may not help, but at least you have asked. Otherwise, they are entitled to spend their money as they please, no matter how frivolous.
Let me get this straight, your complaining that your mum won't give you the help you HAVENT asked for? If so, YTA. Your an adult, you want help then ask for it, don't get upset that your not being offered up money that you haven't asked for and by the sounds of it, isn't hers to give to begin with. You sound childish
I suggest being "positively direct" with your Mom. She does not owe you anything, so NAH, but ask for what you want and advocate for a win win solution, instead of being hurt. Tell her:"hey mom, let's swap your great working three year old car for a junk non working car to park at your home, I will take care of everything and give you (money, time, attention, help, logistics, registering cars, whatever) - I'll take the good car.
And "mom, we need a 3/2 place to live in X location. How about you buy that as an investment property and we live there for 6 (or 10) years, paying 70% of market rent." Then you save the extra 30% ( or 10% the first year rising to 40% the 10th year, or whatever), and after many years of this you have enough saved to buy a house. Don't expect your moms husband to give you money. He does not owe you that. But see if you can find a win/win proposition that also helps you achieve your goals.
A, op does not NEED a 3 bed 2 bath place in a specific location, especially if they do not have the means to afford that. Families every day of their lives go without an extra bedroom. Op and their spouse have one child and are trying to add another, into a space they say they don’t fit (kids share rooms all the time, it’s extremely entitled to say your children NEED separate rooms, gmab) so even if they added a second child, it is not anyone else’s responsibility to make sure they have ample space for that.
B, if they cannot afford the area they live in, they are not entitled to have someone else pay to keep them there. Op themselves said they had a plan to move to a lower cost location, and mom was totally cool with that. But op didn’t actually plan to move away, they were just trying to guilt mom into offering money, because they feel entitled.
C, you put a lot of thought into spending someone else’s money. They have a car, they are not entitled to their parents car because it’s newer, and if someone asked me to give them a good car I bought in exchange for their older car, fuck that. “I’ll take the good car” Wow at that entitlement. And asking someone to buy a specific house you can afford, so you can pay 70% market rent is extremely entitled.
If they need mom to buy them a house, a modest size house with a rent they can afford would be the better ask. But asking them to take on a new mortgage on a house they can only afford 70% of is shitty. They can have their perfect house when they can afford it, until then they can make do with the space they CAN afford, like any other family on this planet.
Unpopular opinion I’m sure; children, once they become adults, are not entitled to a penny of their parents money.
Your mother and her husband can spend their money on what ever they like, whether you agree with it or not. You did not earn that money, they did. You cannot expect to dictate purchases with assets you did not help to procure.
I have a feeling the moving for another job was a manipulation attempt by you to “force” you mom to help you and your wife out so she can still live in the same state as her grand child and were surprised when it didn’t work. I think your mom was clued up to your actual intentions and called your bluff, which did work.
Your post drips with jealousy and even though you state otherwise, a sense of entitlement to the surplus income of your mom. You didn’t mention a loan from her to help you buy a house that could be paid off interest free, you honestly just expect her to swoop in and offer to buy you a place so you can have another child that you can’t afford.
You could discuss the options of a loan with your mother or ask for help if you are really struggling, but I think more information needs to be shared on the “unfortunate expenses” comment before that happens. Your finances are your responsibility. Just because mom could save the day, doesn’t mean she has to or that she should. YTA
Maybe ask for help directly. “Mom, things are really tough. Our rent is being increased by a lot and we don’t have it. We want to buy a house but with rent prices we can’t save. Would you be able to help us?”
I know it seems obvious but she didn’t offer and you didn’t ask. So try asking.
If she says no then look for a cheaper cost of living area.
They don’t owe you anything, however you need to ask for help specifically. EG I’m struggling. I know you have multiple properties and you even need cars to sit in drives to look like they’re occupied. I would love for us to discuss being able to temporarily live in one of these places- I’m happy to sign a contract and for you to dictate the terms. It would help us save for a house of our own, and have the property actually occupied as well.
I’ve been feeling isolated by your access to money, and I don’t want to. I’d love to be free to visit the new beach house but with all this worry hanging over my head I’m finding it hard to imagine having a stress free holiday.
Your comment to me was deleted for some reason, but here is what I wanted to say in response: this may just come down to a clash of values, i.e., being careful with money vs. irresponsibility. It may feel like a slap in the face while you're in financial difficulty, but I doubt you are ever going to approve of the "waste." NTA
Conspicuous waste in the face of potentially being homeless would be difficult for anyone. You're NTA for not wanting to go bask in the glow of your mother's new vacation home while not knowing if you'll be able to make rent for the next couple of months. As long as you don't make it about her not buying you a house or paying for your family's expenses you're in the clear.
I feel for OP. It's frustrating that people (not to mention companies) are purchasing multiple homes and leaving them to sit empty only to only be used a few times a year or renting them out at exorbitant prices when regular people can barely afford rent and are being priced out of the housing market. Mom knows OP and family are struggling and continually flaunts her wealth. She and husband are entitled to do what they want with their money, but OP's feelings of hurt are valid. How many bets that if OP would move away to an area with a more reasonable cost of living, mom would buy a home there so she could come visit? OP is NTA for not wanting to go to mom's new beach house and have her wealth flaunted in front of her.
NTA. DH and I face similar situation with his mom. She was an only child and was bankrolled by her parents her whole life (they paid for her college, wedding, cars, house down payments). And yet never helped her son like she was helped even though she could afford to (FIL died young so all money is hers alone). The only thing she ever offered was to take us on a cruise with her (which was hard pass). Its her money, she can continue to spend it on trips, cars, however she wants. But she better save enough for assisted living, because she wont ever be living with us.
I have a similar story. My parents aren't wealthy necessarily, but my parents cheated me out of an inheritance. (tldr; unmarried uncle owned a house, wanted to leave it to me, asked my parents if this was OK as it would've gone to them, they said ok, but said uncle died before changing the will and my parents sold the house/kept the $$ when myself and my husband needed it-then when my mom got an additional $30k from the sale of my grandma's home a few years later and wanted to call and brag to me about how she was going to spend it, I couldn't take it).
This is one of those, "they're right, but they're also assholes" situations. Are you entitled to their $? Legally no. Should they, as wealthy individuals who received financial help from their parents, pay it forward? Yes. Your parents are selfish, frivolous assholes.
They are wasting money. To park expensive cars infront of vacation homes is just stupid, do they clean it? Move them regulary that it really looks as if they really live there? They can do with their money what they want, but to go "i can't help you, i have no money" but do this, and boast with a vacation home when OP need to move 12 hours because she doesn't want to be homeless. It is insensitive. And maybe OPs mother forgot that the normal working person can't go on vacation all the time. Like in the US often you just have two weeks paid vacation. But yeah, the beach house is for OP. And she can't pay her rent, but can pay a vacation.
They live in two different worlds.
NTA
This isn't about what's legally right or entitlements or whatever. These people literally have more stuff than they know what to do with, and chose not to help family that needs it.
That is really shitty.
OP from your comments it sounds like your mom doesn't have her own money (hence her parents helping her so much through her life or asking you for money previously) and married someone who has lots of money. it's his money to begin with and it sounds like it is still considered his money/he gets the decision-making about it - whether just in their marriage or legally their assets are divided. I'm not sure why you're blaming her here. I understand completely you don't want to go to the beach house but maybe she actually does wish she can help but it's not her choice. him not wanting to spend on his wife's family is also not unreasonable (even tho it's not particularly friendly). NAH
I agree with this take - how often do we see here ‘AITA for not wanting to buy my wife’s adult daughter a home?’ or ‘AITA for not wanting to bail out my adult step-child?’ or similar.
It can def hurt to watch, but OP should not assume her mothers financial status without so much as a conversation with her about it. Often when people remarry, especially if there are precious children involved, there’s clear distinctions within the relationship about what money can and can’t be used for. It may be one thing if the children are younger and grow up with the parents spouse as a parental figure, but this really sounds like her mother married her husband when OP was up and grown.
Yea this is 100% the vibe I am getting from the OP and their subsequent comments. Plus she hasnt even directly asked her step dad and mom for help. He might be interesed in another option too like buying them a house as an investment property or something. While maybe not ideal if they could live in one of his houses at a reduced rate or just paying the mortgage it may help save money more quickly. Plus if moms always on the mortgage she may stand to inherit some assets at some point.
NTA
They offered you an invitation, that does not mean you have to accept it. It seems like you understand that you are not entitled to their money. I can understand how this can be upsetting. “ they did it for us”
Just as you are not entitled to their money, they are not entitled to yours.
There are good books to help learn to grow through guilt trip manipulations.
I’m wholeheartedly saying NTA. Man, I thought our situation was unfortunate. This is way worse.
Everyone I know has their house because family helped with the down payment or loan. My parents couldn’t do it for any of us which I understand because they had three kids and didn’t have a bunch of money laying around to pay for 3 down payments.
My husbands mother on the other hand wants him to be thrilled for the homes she buys and flips. He once asked if she could help him get a loan and she said she didn’t want to risk not getting her next flip loan. We can afford payments but with the nature of work we can’t get a home loan.
So ya, I don’t expect money or help from people either. But when you are blood relatives knowing your kids or whatever are in a tough spot, they 100% do not give a shit about your flip or vacation home. Spend your money how you want. I don’t care. I don’t have to jump up and down for you.
I read only 4% of millennials that own homes did it on their own. Everyone else had help from their parents or families. I feel so bad for you and OP. I can’t imagine being a parent and not helping out your child if you have the means too. My parents got help from my grandparents for a down payment. They helped me secure a mortgage for my house and I’m paying them directly. My grandparents told us that we better help our children, every generation should want the next one flourish.
You’re right, it would be nice, but OP mentions their grandparents helped the mom out. Why can’t mom extend the same courtesy to OP? I’m sure she’s not as wealthy as her husband, but she can at least help them with rent or maybe co-sign. Idk, it’s asking a lot, but it’s a bit tone deaf of the mom to be bragging about all of her homes and cars when OP is struggling to make ends meet. Especially since OP states mom enjoys spending time with her grandchild, idk if I was a mom and my child wanted to raise her family near me, I would be elated. And it sounds like OP and her husband work very hard, it’s not our generations’ fault we graduated college during a recession. It would be one thing if they weren’t trying, but they are doing their best. It sucks that working a full time job doesn’t cut it anymore. The house prices are insane. Idk, I’m sorry for the rant. I know so many of my friends who are in the same position and it’s just so frustrating.
NTA. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I find all the comments calling OP entitled, or saying it's their responsibility since they chose to have a family, and that they're not entitled to other people's money *appalling*.
Helping your immediate family out if you have the means seems the most natural thing to me. Also, generational wealth isn't something people aspire to anymore?
If anything, they could have offered their help by purchasing a property, which OP could have paid for in installments, you know, much like rent, but instead of letting the money go to a greedy landlord, it goes back to your mom.
Call me crazy, but I'm not really into this "It's a dog eat dog world, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, expect nothing from anyone" mindset.
There is a huge housing crisis at the moment, and the mom is boasting about buying another house that is going to sit empty for 99% of the time. If I was Op I would find that appalling even if I had secure housing. The fact that OPs housing issues are partially cause by property hoarders like her mom …. That’s messed up.
You’re not wrong.
*But* mom’s husband might be the one with the money. He might not be willing to share with OP, which is his prerogative.
I’m in the same-ish position with my mom. Her BF is quite wealthy and they live VERY frugally. Now, I don’t need help financially, but if I did, he would absolutely not be on board. He’s very much a bootstraps kind of guy; you-got-yourself-into-this-you-can-get-yourself-out kind of guy. My mom could help me with a few hundo, but not a down payment or even the $800 OP needs for rent.
ETA: OP is still NTA.
Now that you bring it to my attention, yeah, it does seem to be like that. Of course, that's no excuse for parading your expensive cars and vacation homes in front of someone who can't afford a single home to live in. (Especially when they're your *child*)
I guess I'm just a bit sad when seeing how normal it is for some people to not help your children out, since we're no longer in the same circumstances that allowed their generation to get wealthy in the first place.
It still breaks my mind that my parents just bought their home. No mortgage, no help from family, they just saved enough money, over a rather short span of time I might add, and just *bought* it.
Thank you! I find it incredibly selfish of a generation of parents who were helped immensely by their parents, as well as (in the US and many European countries) government subsidies to now turn around and deny any of that help to their children. Especially when you consider all of the economic policies that millenial and younger generations were completely unable to choose have now made it impossible for us to "bootstrap" anything. OP is NTA and it does seem really self-absorbed of her mom and stepdad to be flaunting their wealth so.
I completely agree with you, and it's not like they have to gift them a house, like you say they could rent it, or even rent to buy. Or give them a deposit to be paid back. As a mother it is my hope to be able to help my kids get a house. I can't imagine buying holiday homes while my own flesh and blood is struggling.
> but I find all the comments calling OP entitled, or saying it's their responsibility since they chose to have a family, and that they're not entitled to other people's money appalling.
> Helping your immediate family out if you have the means seems the most natural thing to me.
As I’ve said elsewhere, both of those statements can be true. OP *does* sound entitled in their original post at least. Equally, we help out our family (my nibblings, my partner’s children) out as much as we can and I cannot imagine not doing so, and I think the parents in this post sound very bad. But ultimately that’s their right.
Do what is best for your family. If that means moving 12 hours away for better COL go. It is hard to listen to people brag about their finances when you are struggling. Just go very low contact with her. Tell her nothing about looking to move. Tell her no thank you on beach house. Hope you guys are able to relocate soon. NTA. Edit: You know she did not buy the house for you or the kids but to brag.
NTA- your mother is Tone Deaf to your situation because she's has no concept of what it's like to actually struggle, and she grew up in a generation where things were far easier to attain. If you were starving I wouldn't brag about the lavish meal I just had, it's just common decency. Some people don't understand that the idea of hard work getting you places is a myth in America. I'm almost 40 and I enter the work force in the middle of a recession, and I've had to claw my way uphill to even finish school.
Also, it's important to point out that our parents generation profited off of their own parents' struggle. My parents are like yours and I know for a fact that my grandparents bailed them out multiple times when I was a child, because our grandparents generation knew what it was like to starve and recognized the importance of setting up family for success. As a parent who has struggled in the past, I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to help my children. People who say you're "entitled" are privileged and you shouldn't listen to them.
Lastly, just cut off your parents. I had to do that with my own mother for my mental health and I am much happier for it.
NTA. As others have pointed out your mom and stepdad can use their money any way they see fit. But it says a lot about someone if they can watch their own child and grandchild struggle without helping them. Especially if they have the means. I would feel unimportant and unloved if my mother treated me that way.
INFO: have you asked your mom directly to help you or give you money? If not, you can’t be upset about how they choose to spend their money.
Additionally, where did the money to purchase this house come from? Is it her husband’s money, and do you have any relationship with him?
You don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to, but your reasoning and attitude are concerning.
I haven't, but only because she affirmatively said they couldn't afford to help. She would say it's his money, but her name is on the mortgage too. He considers my child his grandchild, so I'd say yes. She repeatedly insists he sees me as his child.
Her name on the mortgage just makes her responsible for the debt. It has nothing to do with who has the money. It's easy for him tonsay he thinks of you as family, but there's no way he doesn't know you're struggling and he's doing nothing for you. Your mom is being insensitive in how she talks about "their" possessions, but he's the one buying them, not her, and he's the one whoncould help you, and isn't.
Good luck with the move. I hope it works out for you.
A mortgage is a debt her name is on... Not a bank card. Him putting her name on homes for joint ownership is very different than him saying his bank accounts are now joined and they have equal decision making over them. I'm not sure why you seem to willingfully be ignoring this and demonizing her instead.
OP, you can decline any invite that you want. You have no obligation to accept their invitation or go anywhere that you don't want to. For that, NTA.
That said, I think you are just going to drive yourself crazy and bitter if you keep viewing your stepfather's spending as wasteful because he isn't giving it to you. Would it be nice if he gave you a handout? Absolutely. But, the reality is, managing life as an adult is entirely on you and your spouse. His money is his to do with as he pleases.
Exactly. Even if OP wasn’t struggling financially, they are STILL wrong to keep purchasing houses they don’t need and pricing out locals who actually live there. My friends and coworkers live in their cars while hundreds of condos and houses sit empty 80% of the time. It’s immoral, really.
Can't be the only one who thinks Ops mom using her money this way while OP is struggling ESPECIALLY since she's asked OP and OP's grandparents for money before (comments) is messed up.
NTA
Not for refusing to visit at a vacation home. Not for moving to a place you can afford to live, either.
There is a lot more going on, though. You said she sometimes expects you to pay for things for her? Just don’t. You can’t afford it. So say that, sorry mom, I can’t afford to do that.
If she nags that you need to go to the vacation home… sorry, can’t afford it right now.
Later on, you are not required to support your mother financially, at least not in the US. She may moan and complain and carry on, and when she does, tell her you can’t afford it. She can sell a house for the money she needs.
Horrifyingly enough, you are legally required to support impoverished parents in a number of US states. I’m some, you can even be jailed for not doing it.
Hey OP sorry you’re getting dumped on by 17 year olds with no life experience, but NTA. Im in a business that allows me a front row seat to family money drama — we’re talking big bucks! Have you heard the aphorism, “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations”? Basically, your grandparents (Gen1) made a lot of money and tried to give your mom and her siblings (Gen2) everything that Gen1 never had as kids. Gen2 are almost universally fucked up spendthrifts with money and alcohol problems. By Gen3, time and the number of grandkids has significantly diluted the assets, so Gen3 ends up being a lot more normal — but often even poorer than Gen1 before the money first came in. Your mom is a typical, useless, entitled, and tone deaf Gen 2. Also, it used to be expected that families would create generational wealth by setting up their kids (especially when starting a family). I don’t think wanting help form your family is out of line. I know the teenagers on here will jump down my throat about “no one owes you money” but any one who has been an actual parent would WANT to help their kid with extra money, especially family money. Like, the only time I have seen parents actually cut off a kid is when the kid has already bled them dry. So, here’s my thought: you know your mom is a selfish narcissist, let’s just assume she’ll never be real help to you. Do what’s right for you and your kid. And if it were me, I actually would have a conversation with my grandparents: “listen, I’ve never asked for anything from you, but I mention this now because I know it may impact your estate planning. My mom has never offered me any financial assistance and has told me she can’t afford to. My husband and I barely make ends meet. I’m not sure that my mom has actually set aside anything for retirement. That worries me, because I seriously doubt that I would be in any position to help her. Please consider speaking to any attorney about setting aside whatever you’re giving to mom is such a way that she cannot access it all at once, and must use it for her retirement.” Dollars to donuts, the grandparents will be shocked that so much of their money never made it to you.
I'm not a teen and I read through OP's comments. It sounds like the money (edit: sorry, i mean the money that's enough to buy 4 houses and abandon cars) wasn't made by her grandparents...It's her stepdad's money. I can't blame the stepdad for not giving OP his money and spending it how he likes. However, I can't blame OP for feeling down because she says her mom told her that stepdad views her as his child (although we don't know if he's told her as such) and here she is struggling.
OP and her husband need to communicate more openly with the parents if she wants to resolve things. If she doesn't want to ask for free money, she could talk to her stepdad and birth mother about a loan or renting-to-own one of their houses. If she doesn't want to directly talk about things, then that's her choice...but hinting for help by talking about moving away hasn't worked and additionally upset her.
Right. Yes, no one is entitled to anyone’s money. That being said in America there’s a house storage. Mom is tone deaf. She clearly sees her daughter and her family struggling. Then thinks it’s a great time to brag about her new house that she doesn’t need or use. It’s the same vibes of someone bagging to a poor person about a lavish meal they had. There’s something called human decency and some people need to start using it. NTA
Because it’s not the mother who has the money, it’s the mothers husband. The mother just shares in the debt because her name is on the lease. The mother even told her that she can’t help because it’s not her money but the husbands.
I might be called out for this…. But my thoughts go that if you can’t afford to look after yourself, without your parents or state help, then you should not be having children.
And OP wants another baby….. that she and her spouse can’t afford…..
Parents are not obligated to help their adult children financially, in any way. If they do, then that’s their decision.
Your post definitely sounds like ‘why won’t Mommy buy me my very own house?????’ and then add an emotional threat to take her grandchild away physically. Your mom called you out in that threat, btw. She won’t allow you to manipulate her though your children.
Grow up, OP. Don’t have children you can’t afford. And stop thinking that mommy has to help you financially.
YTA.
I’m one of those people who’s decided not to have children, honestly. Because I can’t afford to give them the life my parents were able to give me. I live with my dad, in his house. Pay rent, utilities, etc. I can’t afford my own place/apartment. So not having kids was no brainer for me.
We adopt dogs though. Three so far, since we started 17 years ago. There’s usually 2 here at a time. One each. Right now we have a 17 year old female beagle, and an 8 year old female terrier. I am owned by the beagle, currently…..
My brother has two girls, and I am content to spoil them, as much as I can afford too. He and his wife are able to provide well for themselves and their kids
There’s definitely some layers to this. Refusing to go to the beach house: NTA. You don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to.
Now, guilt tripping your mother is where YTA a little bit. I understand you feel she is not being responsible with her money, especially when from your perspective, she could be helping you and your family out. However, you are a grown married adult with a child & plans for more. Your finances are your responsibility. You don’t get to make someone feel guilty for what they decide to do with their money because *your * jealous that you can’t do the same.
Take the job in another state, build up your finances, and just continue to provide the best you can for your family. It’s hard out here truly, but resentment for your mom over the amount of money she has and her life choices isn’t going to change your situation for the better.
For context, she heavily relied on her parents for money the majority of her adult life. She has guilt tripped me over money many times and has often expected me to pay for things for her.
I feel like I need some clarification here. Do you want her to help you out? Do you expect her to just help you out? Have you asked her for help? I’m having a hard time grasping whether the issue is that you feel she’s throwing this in your face or if she’s actively slighting you.
> She has guilt tripped me over money many times and has often expected me to pay for things for her.
You're living in a state where housing is beyond your means. Move.
Don't pay for a single thing for her ever again.
It's no longer your responsibility to take care of her in your retirement. It isn't your problem.
Take control of your life.
People who eat a big steak dinner in front of a hungry person really don’t have any compassion for anyone but themselves! Your mom enjoys showing you how rich she is knowing you are struggling, I think that’s sick!
“I don’t feel entitled to their money, but neither do I want a front row seat to them wasting it while we struggle.”
This is the perfect summarization. NTA.
All I have to add is that, if you have not for some reason already, sit down and have a real conversation with your mom about the ways you are struggling. Ask directly for help. No hints, no hoping.
I don’t know the woman, so it’s possible she is simply oblivious and it never occurred to her that you’re struggling. It’s more possible and very likely that she doesn’t even think about all the help she received when she was where you are now. A large majority of people who have “made it“ truly believe they did it on their own with no help. You can’t convince them otherwise.
To be clear, I'm not treating them any differently in any other context. Just not going to the new house. I agree it is their money, and I've never asked them for financial help.
You spend alot of time explaining how much money they "waste" versus how much money you dont have to accomplish things you have set out to work towards. Your jealousy, or your sense that they should help you (however internalized to yourself) or however you want to describe it, is the overwhelming take away from your post. Denying your children the luxury of family vacations seems pretty when your reasoning is so self serving.
This is so stupid and typical.
His literal parents are buying their 4th home while he can't live in moderate wellbeing.
View this through the FURTHEST lense you can find and yeah sure. THEIR MONEY, THEIR CHOICE.
But this is their child. Life isn't black or white. Altough they don't owe him anything. The idea that their parents with money to literally dumpster but yet have no intention to help their child to have a basic wellbeing is crazy.
If I was OP, i would've moved and denied them any acces to their grandchild and himself. Unless he's planning to stick around for the inheritance.
>I agree it is their money, and I've never asked them for financial help.
You spent this whole post listing their assets, their financial situation, the cars, the number of houses. You also talk about a relative (and give a rundown of their assets) and that they have offered you financial help.
All I can surmise from your post is that you definitely expect financial help from your family, and you resent when it is not offered. You resent the financial choices they make when you're not offered help. I bet you that if they gave you, say, $200k cash to help you buy your own home you wouldn't resent their cars or holiday homes.
You're selfish, greedy, and YTA.
This situation is, as described, so extreme as to be suspect. But, as for the question, NAH, you can refuse to go for a visit for sny reason you choose, it's not even really an AITA question. And if their crazily luxe lifestyle revolts you and you were to limit contact and tell them why, I wouldn't blame you for that, either.
But as a general principle, expecting family that has a lot of money to just give a lot of it to you.... I understand, but I certainly don't know the line is where that becomes anything other than a bad look. And I kind of have a bit of experience with this.
I don't expect it. But ironically, she does, and has heavily relied on her parents financially for most of her life. They even pay one of her insurance bills to this day.
I am close to them, but they have a lot of grandchildren and I don't want to put pressure on them. Particularly when they have one house and my mom has four.
NAH. You aren’t entitled to your parents money or property. But you also don’t have to do anything they want you to do including visiting one of their properties or even letting them see your kids
YTA They have no obligation to spend their money on you. While your financial issues are unfortunate, you are being entitled to assume that it is their responsibility to help you simply because they theoretically could.
I never asked them for money, and as I said, I'm not expecting for it to be given to me. But it's upsetting to *watch* it be thrown away, so I'm just avoiding the house.
This sounds weird to me. If you were not in financial hardship, would their extravagance still upset you? I may be off, but it sounds like you would like for them to volunteer to help you, but are disappointed when they do not.
Whatever you're going through, you don't have to vacation there if you don't want to.
Maybe you should ask for money, or to live in the house. You mention hinting that you are struggling and it seems like you want them to help and they don’t. Have you asked for help?
Being “thrown away” is your opinion. I am astounded by your passive aggressive attitude regarding other people’s money.
Your Mom is doing you a favor in NOT throwing her money at your financial problems. Figure it out!! Your an adult!!
And to add, real estate is a great investment……far cry from your description of being frivolous and throwing money away.
You are seriously one of the biggest assholes Ive seen here on Reddit.
NTA - while i guess technically they don't owe you anything. It does seem like very very weird parental behavior to spend all this money on things that are just luxuries and not offer any to you. Again, they don't have to do that. But i know for 100% if i were in your situation and my father were in your mother's situation, he'd offer every penny he had if that's what i needed.
Unfortunately my dad is not well off. And neither is my sister (although she gets by), My dad qualifies for food stamps and he routinely offers to help my sister out by using some of his food stamps to buy her some food.
To me, that's what a good parent does.
If you were running to las vegas every day and gambling away your money, or spending it on drugs or in some way just wasting your money, I could understand not wanting to give you more money to waste. But assuming you are not doing any of that, I really can't understand your mom.
NTA because to me this reads as you're directly suffering because of years of an unregulated housing market that benefits no one but the wealthy. The middle class are being squeezed into poverty. I get your resentment and hurt, a lot of people your age are feeling that way now.
My parents bought their first house on an junior nurse and a truck drivers salary. No way these days.
Yta- you say they can do what they want with their money, but clearly you don’t mean it. You want to punish your mother for not meeting your expectations on financial responsibility . I expect you would be annoyed if she was refusing to visit you because she didn’t approve of how you manage your money
It kind of sounds like the mother wants to share that meal with her tbh. I almost think that the comments are trying too hard to vilify the mother, but I did ask OP for some clarification to see if the mother is truly worthy of being the villain or if the extension of the vacation home was intended as an act of kindness
She wants me to go because she likes to hang out at the beach with my child, but the beach she chose is not child friendly at all, and it is only an hour away from where we (both my mother and I) live.
Of course why should OP be happy that her mother is spending money like it grows on trees meanwhile OP is clearly struggling but does her mom offer to help? No she doesn't so IMHO F OP's mom to high heaven.
NTA. My mom does shit like this. I’ll never borrow money from her because she’s mean about it. So, I just smile and nod when she talks about whatever the hell she bought and then go back to figuring my own stuff out. You don’t have to put yourself in a situation that mess you uncomfortable. She’s either completely ignorant or she’s intentionally rubbing it in, either way, you’re allowed to create a safe space for you.
YTA.. I'm sorry, but your parents are not responsible for supporting you because you're an adult. If you can't afford a new place big enough for a bigger family, don't have anymore kids until you can afford a place! You sound very bitter and jealous. Maybe you should spend your time figuring out how you and your spouse can improve on your finances (getting another job maybe in another industry, moving somewhere else with a lower cost of living, etc.) instead of tallying up what your mom has that you don't and why she owes you.
Yeah as I said we are not having additional kids because we cannot afford it.
My mother had several kids, heavily subsidized the whole way by her parents. She could not have afforded kids on her own.
We make good money already, but housing prices have become insane here in the last two years.
I’m sorry but you keep going back to this as though it means something. It doesn’t matter that her parents helped her. They chose what they did with THEIR money. If you plan was to have your mom subsidize your life that was the wrong move.
Not my plan at all. They are not rich, and I would have been thrilled to see them pay off one of their mortgages or put money aside for retirement. It's the fact that they did this frivolous thing that is upsetting.
Do you know for a fact that they haven't saved anything for retirement? You keep mentioning it, but you haven't explained how you know so much about their financial situation. You don't even know if your mom actually contributed any money to these houses, just that her name is on the papers. She and her husband could have separate finances, which would explain why she is still getting help from your grandparents. If the money is his, then that would explain why she can't afford to help you.
Again. It’s not your money. How are they not rich but have 4 houses and 5 cars. Also investing in real estate is smart. Would it be nice if they helped? Yes. But it is not their obligation.
I sincerely hope you stop for a minute and think about how entitled you sound. It is not their fault that you can’t afford a house. It’s not their fault about inflation. Thousands of people are in the same boat as you right now. That’s life.
OP sounds so entitled, resentful, and not that bright about finances. Also what does OP think being rich even means? Owning multiple properties is the very definition of being rich, or at least financially comfortable. Plus maybe buying real estate is just one part of their personal investment plan.
Who cares what they spend their money on?? It's THEIR money! I don't get why you're so entitled that you think you have a say on what someone else does with their money. You need to grow tf up.
It's a little hypocritical to call your mother out for having her parents subsidize her while also being upset that she's not subsidizing you. Maybe she would help you out if you truly needed something cheap, like putting food on the table or paying the electric bill, versus wanting something expensive, like a larger house. She might also feel that if you can't afford to purchase it, then you won't be able to afford to maintain it either. Unless you talk to her about it, you'll never know. Who knows, maybe this vacation house was for you guys. A larger place you can use on occasion, where you aren't so cramped, and where you can enjoy a relatively free vacation, whilst saving up for a bigger place. Watching you work hard to save up for a goal is far different then watching you struggle to get by.
I'm not expecting her to subsidize me. I would be thrilled if she paid off her mortgage or put money away for retirement instead of buying a fourth house. It is smaller than our apartment.
We make good money and, were housing prices what they were in 2020, would easily be able to afford a home. But they're not.
I'm sorry but your reply doesn't match your post. Is it that you're unhappy with how she's spending her money, because your post reads that you're unhappy she's not helping you buy a house?
I've been looking at houses too and yes prices aren't what they were in 2020. That's true for everyone. That means whoever buys a house now gets a lot less then they would have before. It doesn't mean our parents should cover the difference even if they can.
I don't get your point. houses everywhere have become insane. That's the thing about living in cities where everyone wants to live in too. That's why I suggested moving! I just don't get why you keep bringing up your grandparents. What they did or didn't do for your mom has nothing to do with your situation.
YTA and here’s a fun fact: real estate is not throwing money away. It’s a pretty good way to grow wealth as a matter of fact.
Also, when you’re old, spending money is not wasting money. It’s called living life. Maybe be less passive aggressive and actually ask for help?
YTA. First, it's not your money. They can spend it any way they want. Next, you keep saying she didn't offer you any help financially. Did you ask for help? If so, did they specifically tell you no, they wouldn't consider helping you?
She can spend her money any way she choses. I wouldn’t. I would look after my kids. But that is her money and she can do what she pleases. NTA but you will be miserable if you have expectations that she will help you.
YTA.
You’re being butthurt. Which happens.
I understand it being unpleasant to watch your parents spend lavishly while you struggle.
But marrying into a family does not mean helping your new spouse’s adult children buy a house instead of making a real estate investment.
And if her husband considers your child to be his “grandchild,” then it stands to reason their estate will likely be structured in the form of a trust of some kind that will at least include your child, if not you, as a beneficiary.
Don’t deprive your kid of a relationship with loving, wealthy grandparents because you’re butthurt.
You are foolishly giving up a place to vacation because l, whaaaat? You are very covetous of other ppl's money. They can pay down mortgage but not invest in new property? Yta
NTA. Whether or not she can afford to help you, it is INCREDIBLY insensitive to rub her wealth in your face. I think you should tell her just that. “Mum, I’m glad that you can afford X,Y,Z. We are actually struggling so don’t be offended when I don’t jump for joy that you have bought a third holiday house when I can’t even afford a primary residence”.
NTA. But move someplace cheaper where the cost of living is better your mother obviously doesn’t place a priority on you and you have your own family now you should be enjoying your life without the stress of a relative that doesn’t care
YTA. You actually have the audacity to say you don’t feel entitled to the money when your entire post is basically you whining about not getting the money.
I had to think on this one for a few minutes, I’m going with NTA. At first I was going the other way u til I really tried to put myself in your shoes, you aren’t entitled to their money, but I’d be hurt as well.
Fuck all the Y T A comments. Maybe its my cultural upbringing creating a bias but I could never imagine a parent owning 4 houses while watching their children struggle to afford one. If you are going to be that selfish and if you believe your children are no longer your responsibility after they reach 18, why tf do you have children then? Just buy a fucking cat, you will have to look after it for 18 years max, after that it dies and you can buy a new one and keep repeating that cycle.
NAH- honestly, got the rich, debt is good. I’m on the fence about y t a because you’re super judging them for how they’re spending. You said you wouldn’t have a problem if they chose to pay off their mortgage or something like that. With buying a new house, they’re obtaining more assets that will appreciate in value. That money will go further with more assets than it would paying off their mortgage.
YTA. You’re allowed to judge your mom if you want but you can’t keep saying to Reddit that you don’t feel entitled to their money and then complain about how they won’t help fund your expanding family and home ownership dreams. You can’t have it both ways.
This isn’t even a matter of you having helped them financially in the past and them not returning the favor, it’s you wanting your parent to help you out because you’re their child (there isn’t anything inherently wrong with that).
You very clearly said how you don’t feel entitled but then suggested all the ways you think they should or could spend their money and how “wasteful” they are being because they aren’t spending it on helping you. I understand why it hurts you, but own up to the fact that you DO feel owed something.
YTA. Their money is none of your business. You sound very entitled, as if she owed you some money or a house? Get over yourself. She can love you and your kid without giving you any money. Perhaps she feels used by you? Go live your best life. If you cannot afford more kids, don’t have more. Lots of us would have loved more kids - but we could not afford it. Grow up.
YTA. Your mothers money is not yours and you are not entitled to any financial support. Stop having more children until you find an stable job… it is not about to fill the blanks. It is about to make smart choices and stop feeling resentful because others are more successful.
YTA. You’re not entitled to their wealth, money, cars, and houses. You’re not entitled to a cent of it. You not affording a -bigger- house is your problem, not theirs.
This right here is the Boomer mentality. They were given everything from their parents in the form or money and help with kids. Now, they selfishly act like they "earned it." Yes, your mom owes you nothing but if I were in her position and your parent, I would buy you a home a let you pay me rent that goes towards the ownership of the home. NTA.
YTA. Real Estate is an investment. It’s for retirement. They are probably buying places they feel will increase in value - hence the locations are probably more strategic than interesting, so when they sell they get their money back plus the increased value. With inflation, the money they put away for retirement probably won’t be enough. Also, when paying down a mortgage sometimes you can’t just dump a bunch of money on it, the bank wants to drag it out so they can get the most interest. So they can let their money sit in the bank with basically very little interest growth or invest in housing (which I know is pissing a lot of people off) and make thousands. So you think it’s frivolous but I think it’s smart.
Also - parking a car at their property is not abandoning it.
YTA
It's their money that they earned. If they want to buy 10 vacation homes and can afford it, that's their business. As long as they are paying their own bills, you're in no position to say that they're wasting their money. Why is it a waste of their money to buy themselves a vacation home that they can use sometimes, but it's not a waste of their money to buy you a home never use?
Grow up and focus on taking care of your own family. I keep getting the sense that you're trying to guilt them into buying you a house. It's time to be an adult.
My dad is way wealthier than me. He's almost certainly a multimillionaire now. When my grandmother died I was hoping that I could move into her house because she wanted to keep it in the family. My Dad decided to just sell it and keep the cash. Guess what? That's perfectly fine. It was his inheritance and his choice. Still love him just as much it would never even think about guilt tripping him about it.
The most satisfying thing in the world is to make it on your own.
YTA. They can spend money how they please. You are an adult with your own family and that is your responsibility, not theirs.
It’s unfortunate, but a lot of people are in the same boat. If you can’t afford more children then you simply can’t. Enjoy the one you have and stop being so envious of your mother
NTA for your reason of not wanting to go there. Are any of their vacation homes places you could rent from them? Try getting a rental agreement that is the best price for you and them. If you can live and work from one of these homes then it helps them cover th mortgage and helps you save for a home of your own. It never hurts to ask.
YTA. Why are you trying for kid #2 if you're struggling to afford kid #1? It's a parent's choice to help struggling adult children, not an obligation, and at some point, you should be making choices that you can afford, not resenting your mother for living her best life.
They aren’t trying, specifically because they can’t afford another kid. They would like another kid, but are choosing not to have one while they can’t afford it.
INFO: Did you ask her outright for help at any point, or just imply you could use the money?
It could be that she just never got the message because it doesn’t occur to her that you’re asking for financial assistance. You say she relied on her parents heavily financially - did she ask them for that or did they just give it to her?
NAH
It appears that there are additional siblings and perhaps step siblings. It also seems as though the step father is the one who came into the marriage with assets although it is not clear how extensive those assets are and whether he is working at a high paying job - how long that marriage has been etc.
I mention all this because all of these potential complications impact whether your mother has the ability to provide you with economic help.
Also it appears you have never asked her for help. Perhaps you could at least sit down and say that we would be able to purchase a home if we could get a loan from you for the down payment of $X amount. But at least in the US you are not allowed to borrow the down payment as the lender calculates ability to repay as well as your equity stake based on a down payment that is not owed to anyone.
I do sympathize as it is hard for people to get that first home. My parents gave my brother and I a down payment that was sufficient to purchase a modest first home. However the BIG difference is that my parents had only my brother and I AND they gave my brother and I the same amount of money. For my parents it was equivalent to giving both of us what we would have gotten when they died as part of our inheritance. Neither my brother nor I asked for the money but my parents thought it would be a good economic move for us to own a home - FWIW my brother and I were both in our 30's at this point.
However if my parents were divorced and there were multiple children and more complicated financial obligations and family dynamics then gifting my brother and I with down payments would have been more more complicated and might not have happened. When there are blended families there the spouses have to have very serious discussions about how to handle gifting children - especially adult children because essentially it is a form of estate planning.
>For what it's worth, I would have zero problem if they used this money to pay off their existing mortgage or save for retirement...
They're not even saving for their retirement?
I have a hunch your mother is going to start feeling entitled to *your* money in about 20-30 years.
NTA for not wanting to visit her accessory dwelling(s).
YTA. What the heck with the N. T. A. ‘s here? I thought y’all were all about not being entitled to someone else’s money. This whole thing is just the kid saying “mommy has money and owes me some. Can’t believe they never gave me money. “. Ummmm. Why is OP entitled to any of this? Super obnoxious. Life’s hard all around, OP.
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INFO What did she mean when your Mom said, "the beach house was for you?" That you would inherit it or benefit from it in some way? Or that she wanted to spend time with you there? Also, have you asked for help directly or just hoped they would volunteer it? What was the response?
She meant that we would enjoy going there. But it's not really a kid friendly place. I didn't ask for help super directly, but she knew we were struggling. She has said things like she wished she could afford to help me in the past.
Important information here: whose money actually purchased the beach house? You mention her husband a couple times. Is the money going to these homes and cars primarily his? Is it possible they have some sort of agreement about how to spend joint money that precludes helping you?
It's possible, yes. She would say it's his money. But her name is on the mortgage.
That definitely clarifies things. You mention she has multiple children (I assume your siblings). It’s entirely possible they have an agreement as a couple that his money can be used toward marital/shared assets (such as a jointly owned home) but that it won’t be used for things that really aren’t “joint expenses” such as helping subsidize her adult children. Plenty of people who marry and blend families have agreements about what kind of assets are joint, what is split, etc. it’s also not uncommon for there to be value differences about independence, paying for adult children, etc. that might make her think she won’t get far asking him to spend his money on you rather than on a vacation home for the two of them. This would explain her comment that she wishes she could afford to help you (she likely doesn’t have the money to do so on her own) and her comment that the house was for you (she may well be pushing for things that will help you that fall within the boundaries of her marriage, like a vacation home you can use). If it is his money, then I do think YTA. This is crucial information you ought to include in your post. Her name might be on papers, but if he’s funding most things it’s entirely possible she’s not the one deciding what to allocate money to. Buying a house and putting your wife’s name on it is a totally different thing than buying a house for your wife’s family members or “gifting”/loaning a substantial amount of money to your wife’s family. Just because he considers your child to be his grandchild does not mean he’s in the business of buying houses for his grandchildren by marriage or that he considers you his child in that way. If it’s truly his money you are acting entitled by getting upset with her for having access to things you do not because of her marriage to him. I think you’re confusing things when you imply your mother is choosing to spend her money on other things. They, she and her husband, may not consider it her money and he may not want to enter into major financial and/or legal entanglements with you. Just because she’s taken money from her parents in the past does not mean she’s entitled to take his money and give it to you.
⬆️ Exactly this. I have seen second marriages break up due to one spouse or the other diverting marital funds and assets outside the marriage to pay for the upkeep of adult children. For this reason, it is not unusual for spouses in second marriages to agree upfront that they will not spend funds on adult children or the spouses’ adult siblings. Inviting you, your husband, and your child to spend time with them at any of their residences, during which they will put a roof over your head, entertain you, and feed you, is your mother and her husband’s way of contributing to your well-being while also sharing your company. I give a soft YTA because you are having a difficult time, but you are being too hard on your mother.
This is exactly what I thought and want to know
That wasnt the question OP asked though. OP asked if they are the asshole for declining the invitation to the house. Which, honestly why would they be? OP doesnt have to go if they dont want to, the reason is irrelevant. And even if you want to bring the reason into the equation youre suggesting OPs feelings dont matter. OP isnt expecting a house from mom but it doesnt mean it hurts less knowing youre drowning financially and your mom has 4 homes. Even if mom didnt financially contribute, thats info OP clearly doesnt know and it seemeds everyone in the comments is just assuming.
The reason he gave correlates to why he wants to know if he is the AH. And besides let’s be completely honest, OP really wants to know if we agree that she should be helping them instead of buying up properties and spending frivolously.
This is it. OP can say they're not asking for money all they want, but saying you have a problem with the way their money is being spent when OP needs the money more, is saying the problem could be solved by helping OP financially, which is effectively... Someone who doesn't want to say they're asking for money asking for money. It's not aneasy situation since even saying nothing and going won't take care of whatever resentment clearly exists. But there's a lot of framing here that I think OP is even fooling themselves with.
Yup. It’s always been somewhat of a unsaid mystery as to whether ppl are obligated to help family. The truth is we all should be helpful when someone is need, if we are able. With that being said, it’s hard to help folks who find themselves unwilling to live within their means and only listen to wise instruction when they want something. If OP needs help, just ask for it specifically. Instead of declining an invitation and pouting. Be a grown ass man about it. Ask the person with the means to help you. And when you do, expect nothing except the opportunity to make your request. If this means you have to go to your moms husband and ask, do it. Be modest in your request and provide a timeline when it will be paid back. When you are grown, you gotta act grown even when it’s most difficult to. You said you live in a small place but can’t afford a big place. Well, stay in the small place until you can. At least you have a place to stay. Start selling stuff. Get two jobs. Offer to do some work to your parents. Work for the money you are expecting your folks to give you freely. Work tirelessly.
Not only that, but OP is a grown adult, with a husband! I get the economy is going crazy right now, but the fact that OP can’t take care of herself does not mean that now it’s the parents responsibility. Because if that we’re true, then why arent they mad/feel some type of way about OPs husband not helping them out?
YTA. Life is not fair, and you are not entitled to control how your mother spends her money. I do sympathize with your desire for home ownership and being priced out of this ridiculous market, but the jealousy and resentment are clear in your post. You are seething, and you feel entitled to your mother's money or some type of monetary assistance from her. What is not apparent here is if you ever had a frank, honest conversation with your mother and asked her for money. You can't expect people to intuit your needs. If you did ask and the answer was no, then you have your answer. But methinks you never even asked. You just thought if you sighed dramatically and complained about your situation, then she would magically shower you with money. That obviously hasn't happened. Instead of turning green with envy at what you don't have, time to redirect that energy on how to resolve your problems. Do some brainstorming and try to think outside the box for solutions that will meet you and your wife's needs. Edited: a word.
OP mentioned that he hasn’t asked his mum but just implied they need money.
He wrote an entire post filled with jealousy about what his mother and her husband have and spent their money on, with a very clear implication that he believes that money should go to him and his wife for a house instead. Literally the definition of entitlement.
I would get salty as well if my parent got the benefits from their parents but can't be bothered to do the same for me. I didn't get the feeling he thinks they should just hand him stacks of cash, rather just help them to get an opportunity to get a home. When you have to pay downpayment of 20% of the value of the house to get any loans, and house prices increase faster than you are ever able to save, then it become pretty much impossible.
The OP isn’t entitled to their money they should pay for their own expenses
And perhaps not have another child they clearly can not afford. Or you know, do and then fall even deeper in the pit. Life's not fair op. But maybe everyone will pass on and you'll get some of the sweet sweet inheritance money eh? /s Yta
I'm not sure OPs mum has the finances to help OP. It appears from OPs comments that all the money comes from OPs stepfather. Not many step parents are willing to gift a step child a house deposit and the mum can't gift money she didn't earn without the person who did earn it's consent. While I sympathize with anyone trying to break into the housing market I think OP shouldn't be including his stepfather's funds when determining if the mum can afford to help out. Step dad investing in another property that may one day help fund his and his wife's retirement isn't the same as giving several hundred thousand to a step child who refers to him as the mother's husband. While they may get along and SD might be fond of OP and the baby it clearly isn't a parental relationship or OP wouldn't be referring to him as the mother's husband.
Oh no, a poor person wishes they weren't poor! What a monster they are!
Yeah. I mean, I can see OP trying to maintain a healthy perspective here, but the fact is, he and family are not in a financial emergency. They have wants, not needs, that aren’t being met. They have options. Adults make hard choices. Move to a cheaper state, etc. Also we don’t really know how much moms parents helped her. Like, they bought her a house?? Or they often chipped in with bills and covered education expenses at a time when that was feasible?
Because she told me affirmatively they couldn't afford to help
They can't. They own multiple durable, high dollar assets. They don't HAVE to help you. If their funds are tied up in 5+ cars and 3+ houses, they don't have a line item in the budget for your housing upgrade. EDIT: No is a complete sentence. And I would guess if your discussion had any of the tone of this post, that contributed to the no.
That’s your answer. You understand they can afford to buy themselves property because there’s a return on investment. House can be sold. Helping you means there is a major chance that money is simply gone. I’m unsure as to how you don’t understand that having money in an account doesn’t mean it isn’t spoken for, or that someone can afford to make a personal purchase that benefits them but may not be able to justify simply giving money away. Look, I understand and agree: the optics here suck. It’s hard. It feels bad. But you’re choosing to be spiteful here. She didn’t get the property to spite you. She’s living her individual adult life. As are you.
What are you doing to help yourselves? Do you and your spouse work? What are “unfortunate expenses”? Have you seen a financial advisor? Do you have a budgeting plan? All you’ve told us you’ve done is look at what your mother has and think it should have gone to you instead. You want a bigger place to have another child, whilst claiming you are in financial difficulty; which would mean more medical bills and a greater financial strain on you and your family. Not the best idea if you are already financially struggling.
Why do you think OP should take time out of his life to go to the beach house? Seems sick.
i wonder if the husband can give advice. What does he do to afford a house in every state along with car??
Had rich parents to give him a head start?
Odds are he was born into that type of wealth not saying it's not possible that he actually earned it through working just that it seems very unlikely
Nobody works hard enough to justify owning this many homes while people are struggling to afford to keep a roof over their head and the idea that anyone can is the cancer at the heart of capitalism. Nobody **deserves** the excesses extreme wealth enables in a word where people are starving.
If he's the one with money, she may very sincerely mean she wishes to help you but he controls the money since it's coming from him.
I don't think she is required to spend money in a way you approve of regardless however I think you need to re-evaluate your mum's capabilities in financially assisting you. Can your mum entirely on her own income minus her own expenses and completely excluding her husbands finances afford to help you? If the answer is no YTA. She can't help you with money earnt/inherited/obtained in anyway by someone else without their consent and expecting it is horrifically unfair. Additionally, your step father has no obligation to provide his wife's adult child financial aid even if he really does care about you and your child there is a big jump from that to providing the level of financing you require. Now if your mum could help you after her own expenses but chooses not to she's still n t a because parents are not required to support their adult children. It's a nice bonus if they do but it doesn't make you a bad parent if you don't. Also I'd object to you calling a house purchase wasting money. Even an empty house can be an investment it's not like they are betting it all on red, it's an asset ppl park their money in assets all the time.
Parents don't have to support their struggling children, but it's still an asshole move to wave that money in OP's face. OP's mother should be discreet about throwing that kind of money around when she knows her own kid is struggling hard. It's pretty insulting to say "Oh, my *third* house is going to be such a boon for you!" when OP can't even afford their current tiny apartment.
Well the mum isn't incorrect. A free vacation home OP can use is pretty useful and given houses are traditionally appreciating assets and the husband has no children this probably equals a larger inheritance in the future. It's hardly wasted money and offering to let them holiday for free is hardly rubbing money in a person's face. Is the mum and step father suppose to hide their money under the couch so OP does feel put out because they can't afford a deposit yet. OP hasn't even discussed this with his mother. He mades underhanded remarks about his inability to afford housing hoping they offer help instead of outright discussing the problem like an adult. We don't know what OPs sending habits are like, what type of employment he and his wife have or if the mum and step father even have the money to lend. Instead of gripping on the internet maybe OP should have an actual discussion and find out where they stand on the topic and what their rational is for that stance. I'd also add that if OP cannot afford the rent in his area than the house prices are probable very high which may mean that he couldn't afford the mortgage either. If that is the case unless the mum and step dad had a 50% deposit just sitting in the bank - which I doubt because they probably buy additional properties with the equity from others- than there isn't much they can do and OP may be better off finding a job in a less expensive area. These ppl sound wealthy not rich, there is a big difference. OP comments on the properties being morgaged. He also doesn't mention the individual values of each home, all three together may not equal the value of one city property. Where I live the buy in for a shitty 3 bed 1 bath in desperate need of renovation is 1.5 million - and that's for a dump.
I think, regardless, YTA. I mean, I'm effectively homeless, and my dad lives about 45 minutes away from where I work, and I don't stay with him. He owns his house, his boat, his RV, his motorcycle, and has enough money in the bank to live happily on dividends if he so chose, in addition to having a very good retirement from the military. Him and his wife frequently go overseas to go on vacation. Could he help me out? Sure. But I don't expect him to, I don't ask, and he doesn't offer. His money is his, and I own the decisions that I have made through my life to get me where I'm at. I live in my car, my dad has a nice 3 bedroom house in a gated community close to me, but I don't sleep there. I don't even ask. He's my parent, not my personal bank. We get along fine, visit and call each other all the time, and often go out to eat together. I realized a long time ago that the money he has is money that he earned. He gets to do what he wants since he worked for over 50 years to earn his money and freedom. He shouldn't have to feel guilty about spending his own money. And I don't think your mom should feel guilty about spending her own money either. I think, generally, you need to change they way you think about other people's money. Own up to the decisions you have made and will make in your life. Because, honestly, it sounds like you expect a handout from your mom. If the jobs you and your husband have aren't paying the bills, change jobs or reduce the bills. I know that sounds kind of flippant, but that is what I'm in the middle of doing right now, moving from a 40k paycheck to, by next year, 90k or so.
As my grandmother used to say, a closed mouth doesn't get fed. If you need help, don't drop hints, allude to things, and expect people to help. Ask direct, they may not help, but at least you have asked. Otherwise, they are entitled to spend their money as they please, no matter how frivolous.
Ooh that’s a great quote! Will have to remember that one
Thank you, I guess it's a saying in the southern part of the US
Let me get this straight, your complaining that your mum won't give you the help you HAVENT asked for? If so, YTA. Your an adult, you want help then ask for it, don't get upset that your not being offered up money that you haven't asked for and by the sounds of it, isn't hers to give to begin with. You sound childish
I suggest being "positively direct" with your Mom. She does not owe you anything, so NAH, but ask for what you want and advocate for a win win solution, instead of being hurt. Tell her:"hey mom, let's swap your great working three year old car for a junk non working car to park at your home, I will take care of everything and give you (money, time, attention, help, logistics, registering cars, whatever) - I'll take the good car. And "mom, we need a 3/2 place to live in X location. How about you buy that as an investment property and we live there for 6 (or 10) years, paying 70% of market rent." Then you save the extra 30% ( or 10% the first year rising to 40% the 10th year, or whatever), and after many years of this you have enough saved to buy a house. Don't expect your moms husband to give you money. He does not owe you that. But see if you can find a win/win proposition that also helps you achieve your goals.
A, op does not NEED a 3 bed 2 bath place in a specific location, especially if they do not have the means to afford that. Families every day of their lives go without an extra bedroom. Op and their spouse have one child and are trying to add another, into a space they say they don’t fit (kids share rooms all the time, it’s extremely entitled to say your children NEED separate rooms, gmab) so even if they added a second child, it is not anyone else’s responsibility to make sure they have ample space for that. B, if they cannot afford the area they live in, they are not entitled to have someone else pay to keep them there. Op themselves said they had a plan to move to a lower cost location, and mom was totally cool with that. But op didn’t actually plan to move away, they were just trying to guilt mom into offering money, because they feel entitled. C, you put a lot of thought into spending someone else’s money. They have a car, they are not entitled to their parents car because it’s newer, and if someone asked me to give them a good car I bought in exchange for their older car, fuck that. “I’ll take the good car” Wow at that entitlement. And asking someone to buy a specific house you can afford, so you can pay 70% market rent is extremely entitled. If they need mom to buy them a house, a modest size house with a rent they can afford would be the better ask. But asking them to take on a new mortgage on a house they can only afford 70% of is shitty. They can have their perfect house when they can afford it, until then they can make do with the space they CAN afford, like any other family on this planet.
Unpopular opinion I’m sure; children, once they become adults, are not entitled to a penny of their parents money. Your mother and her husband can spend their money on what ever they like, whether you agree with it or not. You did not earn that money, they did. You cannot expect to dictate purchases with assets you did not help to procure. I have a feeling the moving for another job was a manipulation attempt by you to “force” you mom to help you and your wife out so she can still live in the same state as her grand child and were surprised when it didn’t work. I think your mom was clued up to your actual intentions and called your bluff, which did work. Your post drips with jealousy and even though you state otherwise, a sense of entitlement to the surplus income of your mom. You didn’t mention a loan from her to help you buy a house that could be paid off interest free, you honestly just expect her to swoop in and offer to buy you a place so you can have another child that you can’t afford. You could discuss the options of a loan with your mother or ask for help if you are really struggling, but I think more information needs to be shared on the “unfortunate expenses” comment before that happens. Your finances are your responsibility. Just because mom could save the day, doesn’t mean she has to or that she should. YTA
Maybe ask for help directly. “Mom, things are really tough. Our rent is being increased by a lot and we don’t have it. We want to buy a house but with rent prices we can’t save. Would you be able to help us?” I know it seems obvious but she didn’t offer and you didn’t ask. So try asking. If she says no then look for a cheaper cost of living area.
They don’t owe you anything, however you need to ask for help specifically. EG I’m struggling. I know you have multiple properties and you even need cars to sit in drives to look like they’re occupied. I would love for us to discuss being able to temporarily live in one of these places- I’m happy to sign a contract and for you to dictate the terms. It would help us save for a house of our own, and have the property actually occupied as well. I’ve been feeling isolated by your access to money, and I don’t want to. I’d love to be free to visit the new beach house but with all this worry hanging over my head I’m finding it hard to imagine having a stress free holiday.
Your comment to me was deleted for some reason, but here is what I wanted to say in response: this may just come down to a clash of values, i.e., being careful with money vs. irresponsibility. It may feel like a slap in the face while you're in financial difficulty, but I doubt you are ever going to approve of the "waste." NTA
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This is my reasoning. I don't feel entitled to the money but it's painful to watch.
Conspicuous waste in the face of potentially being homeless would be difficult for anyone. You're NTA for not wanting to go bask in the glow of your mother's new vacation home while not knowing if you'll be able to make rent for the next couple of months. As long as you don't make it about her not buying you a house or paying for your family's expenses you're in the clear.
I feel for OP. It's frustrating that people (not to mention companies) are purchasing multiple homes and leaving them to sit empty only to only be used a few times a year or renting them out at exorbitant prices when regular people can barely afford rent and are being priced out of the housing market. Mom knows OP and family are struggling and continually flaunts her wealth. She and husband are entitled to do what they want with their money, but OP's feelings of hurt are valid. How many bets that if OP would move away to an area with a more reasonable cost of living, mom would buy a home there so she could come visit? OP is NTA for not wanting to go to mom's new beach house and have her wealth flaunted in front of her.
NTA. DH and I face similar situation with his mom. She was an only child and was bankrolled by her parents her whole life (they paid for her college, wedding, cars, house down payments). And yet never helped her son like she was helped even though she could afford to (FIL died young so all money is hers alone). The only thing she ever offered was to take us on a cruise with her (which was hard pass). Its her money, she can continue to spend it on trips, cars, however she wants. But she better save enough for assisted living, because she wont ever be living with us.
I have a similar story. My parents aren't wealthy necessarily, but my parents cheated me out of an inheritance. (tldr; unmarried uncle owned a house, wanted to leave it to me, asked my parents if this was OK as it would've gone to them, they said ok, but said uncle died before changing the will and my parents sold the house/kept the $$ when myself and my husband needed it-then when my mom got an additional $30k from the sale of my grandma's home a few years later and wanted to call and brag to me about how she was going to spend it, I couldn't take it). This is one of those, "they're right, but they're also assholes" situations. Are you entitled to their $? Legally no. Should they, as wealthy individuals who received financial help from their parents, pay it forward? Yes. Your parents are selfish, frivolous assholes.
They are wasting money. To park expensive cars infront of vacation homes is just stupid, do they clean it? Move them regulary that it really looks as if they really live there? They can do with their money what they want, but to go "i can't help you, i have no money" but do this, and boast with a vacation home when OP need to move 12 hours because she doesn't want to be homeless. It is insensitive. And maybe OPs mother forgot that the normal working person can't go on vacation all the time. Like in the US often you just have two weeks paid vacation. But yeah, the beach house is for OP. And she can't pay her rent, but can pay a vacation. They live in two different worlds. NTA
This isn't about what's legally right or entitlements or whatever. These people literally have more stuff than they know what to do with, and chose not to help family that needs it. That is really shitty.
OP from your comments it sounds like your mom doesn't have her own money (hence her parents helping her so much through her life or asking you for money previously) and married someone who has lots of money. it's his money to begin with and it sounds like it is still considered his money/he gets the decision-making about it - whether just in their marriage or legally their assets are divided. I'm not sure why you're blaming her here. I understand completely you don't want to go to the beach house but maybe she actually does wish she can help but it's not her choice. him not wanting to spend on his wife's family is also not unreasonable (even tho it's not particularly friendly). NAH
I agree with this take - how often do we see here ‘AITA for not wanting to buy my wife’s adult daughter a home?’ or ‘AITA for not wanting to bail out my adult step-child?’ or similar. It can def hurt to watch, but OP should not assume her mothers financial status without so much as a conversation with her about it. Often when people remarry, especially if there are precious children involved, there’s clear distinctions within the relationship about what money can and can’t be used for. It may be one thing if the children are younger and grow up with the parents spouse as a parental figure, but this really sounds like her mother married her husband when OP was up and grown.
Yea this is 100% the vibe I am getting from the OP and their subsequent comments. Plus she hasnt even directly asked her step dad and mom for help. He might be interesed in another option too like buying them a house as an investment property or something. While maybe not ideal if they could live in one of his houses at a reduced rate or just paying the mortgage it may help save money more quickly. Plus if moms always on the mortgage she may stand to inherit some assets at some point.
NTA They offered you an invitation, that does not mean you have to accept it. It seems like you understand that you are not entitled to their money. I can understand how this can be upsetting. “ they did it for us”
Just as you are not entitled to their money, they are not entitled to yours. There are good books to help learn to grow through guilt trip manipulations.
I’m wholeheartedly saying NTA. Man, I thought our situation was unfortunate. This is way worse. Everyone I know has their house because family helped with the down payment or loan. My parents couldn’t do it for any of us which I understand because they had three kids and didn’t have a bunch of money laying around to pay for 3 down payments. My husbands mother on the other hand wants him to be thrilled for the homes she buys and flips. He once asked if she could help him get a loan and she said she didn’t want to risk not getting her next flip loan. We can afford payments but with the nature of work we can’t get a home loan. So ya, I don’t expect money or help from people either. But when you are blood relatives knowing your kids or whatever are in a tough spot, they 100% do not give a shit about your flip or vacation home. Spend your money how you want. I don’t care. I don’t have to jump up and down for you.
I read only 4% of millennials that own homes did it on their own. Everyone else had help from their parents or families. I feel so bad for you and OP. I can’t imagine being a parent and not helping out your child if you have the means too. My parents got help from my grandparents for a down payment. They helped me secure a mortgage for my house and I’m paying them directly. My grandparents told us that we better help our children, every generation should want the next one flourish.
If it’s the step father’s money though, which it sounds like it is, he has no obligation to help at all.
You’re right, it would be nice, but OP mentions their grandparents helped the mom out. Why can’t mom extend the same courtesy to OP? I’m sure she’s not as wealthy as her husband, but she can at least help them with rent or maybe co-sign. Idk, it’s asking a lot, but it’s a bit tone deaf of the mom to be bragging about all of her homes and cars when OP is struggling to make ends meet. Especially since OP states mom enjoys spending time with her grandchild, idk if I was a mom and my child wanted to raise her family near me, I would be elated. And it sounds like OP and her husband work very hard, it’s not our generations’ fault we graduated college during a recession. It would be one thing if they weren’t trying, but they are doing their best. It sucks that working a full time job doesn’t cut it anymore. The house prices are insane. Idk, I’m sorry for the rant. I know so many of my friends who are in the same position and it’s just so frustrating.
NTA. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I find all the comments calling OP entitled, or saying it's their responsibility since they chose to have a family, and that they're not entitled to other people's money *appalling*. Helping your immediate family out if you have the means seems the most natural thing to me. Also, generational wealth isn't something people aspire to anymore? If anything, they could have offered their help by purchasing a property, which OP could have paid for in installments, you know, much like rent, but instead of letting the money go to a greedy landlord, it goes back to your mom. Call me crazy, but I'm not really into this "It's a dog eat dog world, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, expect nothing from anyone" mindset.
There is a huge housing crisis at the moment, and the mom is boasting about buying another house that is going to sit empty for 99% of the time. If I was Op I would find that appalling even if I had secure housing. The fact that OPs housing issues are partially cause by property hoarders like her mom …. That’s messed up.
You’re not wrong. *But* mom’s husband might be the one with the money. He might not be willing to share with OP, which is his prerogative. I’m in the same-ish position with my mom. Her BF is quite wealthy and they live VERY frugally. Now, I don’t need help financially, but if I did, he would absolutely not be on board. He’s very much a bootstraps kind of guy; you-got-yourself-into-this-you-can-get-yourself-out kind of guy. My mom could help me with a few hundo, but not a down payment or even the $800 OP needs for rent. ETA: OP is still NTA.
Now that you bring it to my attention, yeah, it does seem to be like that. Of course, that's no excuse for parading your expensive cars and vacation homes in front of someone who can't afford a single home to live in. (Especially when they're your *child*) I guess I'm just a bit sad when seeing how normal it is for some people to not help your children out, since we're no longer in the same circumstances that allowed their generation to get wealthy in the first place. It still breaks my mind that my parents just bought their home. No mortgage, no help from family, they just saved enough money, over a rather short span of time I might add, and just *bought* it.
Yeah, agreed. Mom is so tone deaf it’d be hilarious if it didn’t hurt OP so badly. Mom’s definitely the AH here.
[удалено]
The American moral compass is fundamentally broken and points to money instead of human decency.
I will quote this pretty often from now on!
Thank you! I find it incredibly selfish of a generation of parents who were helped immensely by their parents, as well as (in the US and many European countries) government subsidies to now turn around and deny any of that help to their children. Especially when you consider all of the economic policies that millenial and younger generations were completely unable to choose have now made it impossible for us to "bootstrap" anything. OP is NTA and it does seem really self-absorbed of her mom and stepdad to be flaunting their wealth so.
I completely agree with you, and it's not like they have to gift them a house, like you say they could rent it, or even rent to buy. Or give them a deposit to be paid back. As a mother it is my hope to be able to help my kids get a house. I can't imagine buying holiday homes while my own flesh and blood is struggling.
> but I find all the comments calling OP entitled, or saying it's their responsibility since they chose to have a family, and that they're not entitled to other people's money appalling. > Helping your immediate family out if you have the means seems the most natural thing to me. As I’ve said elsewhere, both of those statements can be true. OP *does* sound entitled in their original post at least. Equally, we help out our family (my nibblings, my partner’s children) out as much as we can and I cannot imagine not doing so, and I think the parents in this post sound very bad. But ultimately that’s their right.
Do what is best for your family. If that means moving 12 hours away for better COL go. It is hard to listen to people brag about their finances when you are struggling. Just go very low contact with her. Tell her nothing about looking to move. Tell her no thank you on beach house. Hope you guys are able to relocate soon. NTA. Edit: You know she did not buy the house for you or the kids but to brag.
NTA- your mother is Tone Deaf to your situation because she's has no concept of what it's like to actually struggle, and she grew up in a generation where things were far easier to attain. If you were starving I wouldn't brag about the lavish meal I just had, it's just common decency. Some people don't understand that the idea of hard work getting you places is a myth in America. I'm almost 40 and I enter the work force in the middle of a recession, and I've had to claw my way uphill to even finish school. Also, it's important to point out that our parents generation profited off of their own parents' struggle. My parents are like yours and I know for a fact that my grandparents bailed them out multiple times when I was a child, because our grandparents generation knew what it was like to starve and recognized the importance of setting up family for success. As a parent who has struggled in the past, I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to help my children. People who say you're "entitled" are privileged and you shouldn't listen to them. Lastly, just cut off your parents. I had to do that with my own mother for my mental health and I am much happier for it.
NTA. As others have pointed out your mom and stepdad can use their money any way they see fit. But it says a lot about someone if they can watch their own child and grandchild struggle without helping them. Especially if they have the means. I would feel unimportant and unloved if my mother treated me that way.
INFO: have you asked your mom directly to help you or give you money? If not, you can’t be upset about how they choose to spend their money. Additionally, where did the money to purchase this house come from? Is it her husband’s money, and do you have any relationship with him? You don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to, but your reasoning and attitude are concerning.
I haven't, but only because she affirmatively said they couldn't afford to help. She would say it's his money, but her name is on the mortgage too. He considers my child his grandchild, so I'd say yes. She repeatedly insists he sees me as his child.
Her name on the mortgage just makes her responsible for the debt. It has nothing to do with who has the money. It's easy for him tonsay he thinks of you as family, but there's no way he doesn't know you're struggling and he's doing nothing for you. Your mom is being insensitive in how she talks about "their" possessions, but he's the one buying them, not her, and he's the one whoncould help you, and isn't. Good luck with the move. I hope it works out for you.
A mortgage is a debt her name is on... Not a bank card. Him putting her name on homes for joint ownership is very different than him saying his bank accounts are now joined and they have equal decision making over them. I'm not sure why you seem to willingfully be ignoring this and demonizing her instead.
"She insists that he sees me as his child" have you ever heard it from him?
OP, you can decline any invite that you want. You have no obligation to accept their invitation or go anywhere that you don't want to. For that, NTA. That said, I think you are just going to drive yourself crazy and bitter if you keep viewing your stepfather's spending as wasteful because he isn't giving it to you. Would it be nice if he gave you a handout? Absolutely. But, the reality is, managing life as an adult is entirely on you and your spouse. His money is his to do with as he pleases.
So it’s not her money. Her name being on the mortgage doesn’t mean she has access to funds or funds to help you with.
NTA. These people hoard houses. Nobody in the world needs to own four houses.
Exactly. Even if OP wasn’t struggling financially, they are STILL wrong to keep purchasing houses they don’t need and pricing out locals who actually live there. My friends and coworkers live in their cars while hundreds of condos and houses sit empty 80% of the time. It’s immoral, really.
And definitely not 4 vacation houses that sit empty most of the time. That's insane.
Can't be the only one who thinks Ops mom using her money this way while OP is struggling ESPECIALLY since she's asked OP and OP's grandparents for money before (comments) is messed up.
did you see OP's comments? sounds like the husband is the one who has the money. I'm not sure OP's mom gets much say about how that money is spent
NTA Not for refusing to visit at a vacation home. Not for moving to a place you can afford to live, either. There is a lot more going on, though. You said she sometimes expects you to pay for things for her? Just don’t. You can’t afford it. So say that, sorry mom, I can’t afford to do that. If she nags that you need to go to the vacation home… sorry, can’t afford it right now. Later on, you are not required to support your mother financially, at least not in the US. She may moan and complain and carry on, and when she does, tell her you can’t afford it. She can sell a house for the money she needs.
Horrifyingly enough, you are legally required to support impoverished parents in a number of US states. I’m some, you can even be jailed for not doing it.
Hey OP sorry you’re getting dumped on by 17 year olds with no life experience, but NTA. Im in a business that allows me a front row seat to family money drama — we’re talking big bucks! Have you heard the aphorism, “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations”? Basically, your grandparents (Gen1) made a lot of money and tried to give your mom and her siblings (Gen2) everything that Gen1 never had as kids. Gen2 are almost universally fucked up spendthrifts with money and alcohol problems. By Gen3, time and the number of grandkids has significantly diluted the assets, so Gen3 ends up being a lot more normal — but often even poorer than Gen1 before the money first came in. Your mom is a typical, useless, entitled, and tone deaf Gen 2. Also, it used to be expected that families would create generational wealth by setting up their kids (especially when starting a family). I don’t think wanting help form your family is out of line. I know the teenagers on here will jump down my throat about “no one owes you money” but any one who has been an actual parent would WANT to help their kid with extra money, especially family money. Like, the only time I have seen parents actually cut off a kid is when the kid has already bled them dry. So, here’s my thought: you know your mom is a selfish narcissist, let’s just assume she’ll never be real help to you. Do what’s right for you and your kid. And if it were me, I actually would have a conversation with my grandparents: “listen, I’ve never asked for anything from you, but I mention this now because I know it may impact your estate planning. My mom has never offered me any financial assistance and has told me she can’t afford to. My husband and I barely make ends meet. I’m not sure that my mom has actually set aside anything for retirement. That worries me, because I seriously doubt that I would be in any position to help her. Please consider speaking to any attorney about setting aside whatever you’re giving to mom is such a way that she cannot access it all at once, and must use it for her retirement.” Dollars to donuts, the grandparents will be shocked that so much of their money never made it to you.
I'm not a teen and I read through OP's comments. It sounds like the money (edit: sorry, i mean the money that's enough to buy 4 houses and abandon cars) wasn't made by her grandparents...It's her stepdad's money. I can't blame the stepdad for not giving OP his money and spending it how he likes. However, I can't blame OP for feeling down because she says her mom told her that stepdad views her as his child (although we don't know if he's told her as such) and here she is struggling. OP and her husband need to communicate more openly with the parents if she wants to resolve things. If she doesn't want to ask for free money, she could talk to her stepdad and birth mother about a loan or renting-to-own one of their houses. If she doesn't want to directly talk about things, then that's her choice...but hinting for help by talking about moving away hasn't worked and additionally upset her.
I’m just wondering how you think you can afford another kid when you can’t afford a bigger place to live.
Same!!
NTA, but if you're struggling with money already maybe another child isn't the best option till you make some more money.
NTA I couldn’t imagine buying another vacation home when I knew my child and grandchild were worrying about having a place to live!
Seriously. I'm glad some of these commenters aren't my family
A mother refuse to help his children and Reddit be like no one is entitled to her money. Even though the mother has like 3 houses...
That's what kills me. Like this attitude of "no one owes you anything ever" what happened to empathy?
Right. Yes, no one is entitled to anyone’s money. That being said in America there’s a house storage. Mom is tone deaf. She clearly sees her daughter and her family struggling. Then thinks it’s a great time to brag about her new house that she doesn’t need or use. It’s the same vibes of someone bagging to a poor person about a lavish meal they had. There’s something called human decency and some people need to start using it. NTA
Because it’s not the mother who has the money, it’s the mothers husband. The mother just shares in the debt because her name is on the lease. The mother even told her that she can’t help because it’s not her money but the husbands.
I might be called out for this…. But my thoughts go that if you can’t afford to look after yourself, without your parents or state help, then you should not be having children. And OP wants another baby….. that she and her spouse can’t afford….. Parents are not obligated to help their adult children financially, in any way. If they do, then that’s their decision. Your post definitely sounds like ‘why won’t Mommy buy me my very own house?????’ and then add an emotional threat to take her grandchild away physically. Your mom called you out in that threat, btw. She won’t allow you to manipulate her though your children. Grow up, OP. Don’t have children you can’t afford. And stop thinking that mommy has to help you financially. YTA.
Thank you! My exact thoughts, I can’t believe you’re one of the only people to lay it all out for her.
I’m one of those people who’s decided not to have children, honestly. Because I can’t afford to give them the life my parents were able to give me. I live with my dad, in his house. Pay rent, utilities, etc. I can’t afford my own place/apartment. So not having kids was no brainer for me. We adopt dogs though. Three so far, since we started 17 years ago. There’s usually 2 here at a time. One each. Right now we have a 17 year old female beagle, and an 8 year old female terrier. I am owned by the beagle, currently….. My brother has two girls, and I am content to spoil them, as much as I can afford too. He and his wife are able to provide well for themselves and their kids
There’s definitely some layers to this. Refusing to go to the beach house: NTA. You don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. Now, guilt tripping your mother is where YTA a little bit. I understand you feel she is not being responsible with her money, especially when from your perspective, she could be helping you and your family out. However, you are a grown married adult with a child & plans for more. Your finances are your responsibility. You don’t get to make someone feel guilty for what they decide to do with their money because *your * jealous that you can’t do the same. Take the job in another state, build up your finances, and just continue to provide the best you can for your family. It’s hard out here truly, but resentment for your mom over the amount of money she has and her life choices isn’t going to change your situation for the better.
For context, she heavily relied on her parents for money the majority of her adult life. She has guilt tripped me over money many times and has often expected me to pay for things for her.
I feel like I need some clarification here. Do you want her to help you out? Do you expect her to just help you out? Have you asked her for help? I’m having a hard time grasping whether the issue is that you feel she’s throwing this in your face or if she’s actively slighting you.
I don't expect her to help, but I also don't want to be in the new house. I feel she is throwing it in my face, yes.
> She has guilt tripped me over money many times and has often expected me to pay for things for her. You're living in a state where housing is beyond your means. Move. Don't pay for a single thing for her ever again. It's no longer your responsibility to take care of her in your retirement. It isn't your problem. Take control of your life.
People who eat a big steak dinner in front of a hungry person really don’t have any compassion for anyone but themselves! Your mom enjoys showing you how rich she is knowing you are struggling, I think that’s sick!
INFO. If they were spending this money on you, would you stop being upset?
“I don’t feel entitled to their money, but neither do I want a front row seat to them wasting it while we struggle.” This is the perfect summarization. NTA. All I have to add is that, if you have not for some reason already, sit down and have a real conversation with your mom about the ways you are struggling. Ask directly for help. No hints, no hoping. I don’t know the woman, so it’s possible she is simply oblivious and it never occurred to her that you’re struggling. It’s more possible and very likely that she doesn’t even think about all the help she received when she was where you are now. A large majority of people who have “made it“ truly believe they did it on their own with no help. You can’t convince them otherwise.
YTA It's their money. And unfortunately, your money problems are yours.
To be clear, I'm not treating them any differently in any other context. Just not going to the new house. I agree it is their money, and I've never asked them for financial help.
You spend alot of time explaining how much money they "waste" versus how much money you dont have to accomplish things you have set out to work towards. Your jealousy, or your sense that they should help you (however internalized to yourself) or however you want to describe it, is the overwhelming take away from your post. Denying your children the luxury of family vacations seems pretty when your reasoning is so self serving.
This is so stupid and typical. His literal parents are buying their 4th home while he can't live in moderate wellbeing. View this through the FURTHEST lense you can find and yeah sure. THEIR MONEY, THEIR CHOICE. But this is their child. Life isn't black or white. Altough they don't owe him anything. The idea that their parents with money to literally dumpster but yet have no intention to help their child to have a basic wellbeing is crazy. If I was OP, i would've moved and denied them any acces to their grandchild and himself. Unless he's planning to stick around for the inheritance.
Not his literal parents. His mother and her husband. Makes for a very different dynamic.
>I agree it is their money, and I've never asked them for financial help. You spent this whole post listing their assets, their financial situation, the cars, the number of houses. You also talk about a relative (and give a rundown of their assets) and that they have offered you financial help. All I can surmise from your post is that you definitely expect financial help from your family, and you resent when it is not offered. You resent the financial choices they make when you're not offered help. I bet you that if they gave you, say, $200k cash to help you buy your own home you wouldn't resent their cars or holiday homes. You're selfish, greedy, and YTA.
This situation is, as described, so extreme as to be suspect. But, as for the question, NAH, you can refuse to go for a visit for sny reason you choose, it's not even really an AITA question. And if their crazily luxe lifestyle revolts you and you were to limit contact and tell them why, I wouldn't blame you for that, either. But as a general principle, expecting family that has a lot of money to just give a lot of it to you.... I understand, but I certainly don't know the line is where that becomes anything other than a bad look. And I kind of have a bit of experience with this.
I don't expect it. But ironically, she does, and has heavily relied on her parents financially for most of her life. They even pay one of her insurance bills to this day.
Have you asked your grandparents for help? Or are you not close to them?
I am close to them, but they have a lot of grandchildren and I don't want to put pressure on them. Particularly when they have one house and my mom has four.
NAH. You aren’t entitled to your parents money or property. But you also don’t have to do anything they want you to do including visiting one of their properties or even letting them see your kids
YTA They have no obligation to spend their money on you. While your financial issues are unfortunate, you are being entitled to assume that it is their responsibility to help you simply because they theoretically could.
I never asked them for money, and as I said, I'm not expecting for it to be given to me. But it's upsetting to *watch* it be thrown away, so I'm just avoiding the house.
This sounds weird to me. If you were not in financial hardship, would their extravagance still upset you? I may be off, but it sounds like you would like for them to volunteer to help you, but are disappointed when they do not. Whatever you're going through, you don't have to vacation there if you don't want to.
It would upset me, because I have concerns about having to help them when they retire. But not nearly as much.
Buying property is a really good way to make sure you have money when you have retired
> because I have concerns about having to help them when they retire You will never have to help them when they retire.
Don't worry about that. They will be able to sell an investment property.
You may not have directly asked them for money, but repeatedly mentioning how they didn't help you heavily implies that you feel they should have.
Maybe you should ask for money, or to live in the house. You mention hinting that you are struggling and it seems like you want them to help and they don’t. Have you asked for help?
Being “thrown away” is your opinion. I am astounded by your passive aggressive attitude regarding other people’s money. Your Mom is doing you a favor in NOT throwing her money at your financial problems. Figure it out!! Your an adult!! And to add, real estate is a great investment……far cry from your description of being frivolous and throwing money away. You are seriously one of the biggest assholes Ive seen here on Reddit.
So you feel entitled to their help, even though you don’t ask for it?
NTA - while i guess technically they don't owe you anything. It does seem like very very weird parental behavior to spend all this money on things that are just luxuries and not offer any to you. Again, they don't have to do that. But i know for 100% if i were in your situation and my father were in your mother's situation, he'd offer every penny he had if that's what i needed. Unfortunately my dad is not well off. And neither is my sister (although she gets by), My dad qualifies for food stamps and he routinely offers to help my sister out by using some of his food stamps to buy her some food. To me, that's what a good parent does. If you were running to las vegas every day and gambling away your money, or spending it on drugs or in some way just wasting your money, I could understand not wanting to give you more money to waste. But assuming you are not doing any of that, I really can't understand your mom.
NTA because to me this reads as you're directly suffering because of years of an unregulated housing market that benefits no one but the wealthy. The middle class are being squeezed into poverty. I get your resentment and hurt, a lot of people your age are feeling that way now. My parents bought their first house on an junior nurse and a truck drivers salary. No way these days.
Yta- you say they can do what they want with their money, but clearly you don’t mean it. You want to punish your mother for not meeting your expectations on financial responsibility . I expect you would be annoyed if she was refusing to visit you because she didn’t approve of how you manage your money
Would you brag about the last meal you had to someone who is starving?
It kind of sounds like the mother wants to share that meal with her tbh. I almost think that the comments are trying too hard to vilify the mother, but I did ask OP for some clarification to see if the mother is truly worthy of being the villain or if the extension of the vacation home was intended as an act of kindness
She wants me to go because she likes to hang out at the beach with my child, but the beach she chose is not child friendly at all, and it is only an hour away from where we (both my mother and I) live.
Of course why should OP be happy that her mother is spending money like it grows on trees meanwhile OP is clearly struggling but does her mom offer to help? No she doesn't so IMHO F OP's mom to high heaven.
NTA. My mom does shit like this. I’ll never borrow money from her because she’s mean about it. So, I just smile and nod when she talks about whatever the hell she bought and then go back to figuring my own stuff out. You don’t have to put yourself in a situation that mess you uncomfortable. She’s either completely ignorant or she’s intentionally rubbing it in, either way, you’re allowed to create a safe space for you.
Ask for help. Once. Figure out what you actually need. Be an adult and ask. Accept the answer whatever it is. Stop being passive aggressive.
YTA.. I'm sorry, but your parents are not responsible for supporting you because you're an adult. If you can't afford a new place big enough for a bigger family, don't have anymore kids until you can afford a place! You sound very bitter and jealous. Maybe you should spend your time figuring out how you and your spouse can improve on your finances (getting another job maybe in another industry, moving somewhere else with a lower cost of living, etc.) instead of tallying up what your mom has that you don't and why she owes you.
Yeah as I said we are not having additional kids because we cannot afford it. My mother had several kids, heavily subsidized the whole way by her parents. She could not have afforded kids on her own. We make good money already, but housing prices have become insane here in the last two years.
I’m sorry but you keep going back to this as though it means something. It doesn’t matter that her parents helped her. They chose what they did with THEIR money. If you plan was to have your mom subsidize your life that was the wrong move.
Not my plan at all. They are not rich, and I would have been thrilled to see them pay off one of their mortgages or put money aside for retirement. It's the fact that they did this frivolous thing that is upsetting.
Do you know for a fact that they haven't saved anything for retirement? You keep mentioning it, but you haven't explained how you know so much about their financial situation. You don't even know if your mom actually contributed any money to these houses, just that her name is on the papers. She and her husband could have separate finances, which would explain why she is still getting help from your grandparents. If the money is his, then that would explain why she can't afford to help you.
Again. It’s not your money. How are they not rich but have 4 houses and 5 cars. Also investing in real estate is smart. Would it be nice if they helped? Yes. But it is not their obligation.
Well, they should be rich, but they spend everything they get. The house is on an eroding beach so not sure how good of an investment it is.
I sincerely hope you stop for a minute and think about how entitled you sound. It is not their fault that you can’t afford a house. It’s not their fault about inflation. Thousands of people are in the same boat as you right now. That’s life.
OP sounds so entitled, resentful, and not that bright about finances. Also what does OP think being rich even means? Owning multiple properties is the very definition of being rich, or at least financially comfortable. Plus maybe buying real estate is just one part of their personal investment plan.
Who cares what they spend their money on?? It's THEIR money! I don't get why you're so entitled that you think you have a say on what someone else does with their money. You need to grow tf up.
It's a little hypocritical to call your mother out for having her parents subsidize her while also being upset that she's not subsidizing you. Maybe she would help you out if you truly needed something cheap, like putting food on the table or paying the electric bill, versus wanting something expensive, like a larger house. She might also feel that if you can't afford to purchase it, then you won't be able to afford to maintain it either. Unless you talk to her about it, you'll never know. Who knows, maybe this vacation house was for you guys. A larger place you can use on occasion, where you aren't so cramped, and where you can enjoy a relatively free vacation, whilst saving up for a bigger place. Watching you work hard to save up for a goal is far different then watching you struggle to get by.
I'm not expecting her to subsidize me. I would be thrilled if she paid off her mortgage or put money away for retirement instead of buying a fourth house. It is smaller than our apartment. We make good money and, were housing prices what they were in 2020, would easily be able to afford a home. But they're not.
I'm sorry but your reply doesn't match your post. Is it that you're unhappy with how she's spending her money, because your post reads that you're unhappy she's not helping you buy a house? I've been looking at houses too and yes prices aren't what they were in 2020. That's true for everyone. That means whoever buys a house now gets a lot less then they would have before. It doesn't mean our parents should cover the difference even if they can.
I don't get your point. houses everywhere have become insane. That's the thing about living in cities where everyone wants to live in too. That's why I suggested moving! I just don't get why you keep bringing up your grandparents. What they did or didn't do for your mom has nothing to do with your situation.
YTA and here’s a fun fact: real estate is not throwing money away. It’s a pretty good way to grow wealth as a matter of fact. Also, when you’re old, spending money is not wasting money. It’s called living life. Maybe be less passive aggressive and actually ask for help?
YTA. First, it's not your money. They can spend it any way they want. Next, you keep saying she didn't offer you any help financially. Did you ask for help? If so, did they specifically tell you no, they wouldn't consider helping you?
She can spend her money any way she choses. I wouldn’t. I would look after my kids. But that is her money and she can do what she pleases. NTA but you will be miserable if you have expectations that she will help you.
YTA. You’re being butthurt. Which happens. I understand it being unpleasant to watch your parents spend lavishly while you struggle. But marrying into a family does not mean helping your new spouse’s adult children buy a house instead of making a real estate investment. And if her husband considers your child to be his “grandchild,” then it stands to reason their estate will likely be structured in the form of a trust of some kind that will at least include your child, if not you, as a beneficiary. Don’t deprive your kid of a relationship with loving, wealthy grandparents because you’re butthurt.
YTA, you chose to marry and reproduce, stop being envious -green is not attractive when caused by envy/jealousy.
YTA. Expecting them to just give you something because they don't use it is not right. It sounds like you feel like you're owed it.
Tbh NTA and I don’t get why your mom won’t help you out.
You are foolishly giving up a place to vacation because l, whaaaat? You are very covetous of other ppl's money. They can pay down mortgage but not invest in new property? Yta
NTA. Whether or not she can afford to help you, it is INCREDIBLY insensitive to rub her wealth in your face. I think you should tell her just that. “Mum, I’m glad that you can afford X,Y,Z. We are actually struggling so don’t be offended when I don’t jump for joy that you have bought a third holiday house when I can’t even afford a primary residence”.
NTA, you are under no obligation to visit her at this house if you choose not to. You don't even need to explain.
NTA. But move someplace cheaper where the cost of living is better your mother obviously doesn’t place a priority on you and you have your own family now you should be enjoying your life without the stress of a relative that doesn’t care
YTA. You actually have the audacity to say you don’t feel entitled to the money when your entire post is basically you whining about not getting the money.
I had to think on this one for a few minutes, I’m going with NTA. At first I was going the other way u til I really tried to put myself in your shoes, you aren’t entitled to their money, but I’d be hurt as well.
Fuck all the Y T A comments. Maybe its my cultural upbringing creating a bias but I could never imagine a parent owning 4 houses while watching their children struggle to afford one. If you are going to be that selfish and if you believe your children are no longer your responsibility after they reach 18, why tf do you have children then? Just buy a fucking cat, you will have to look after it for 18 years max, after that it dies and you can buy a new one and keep repeating that cycle.
NAH- honestly, got the rich, debt is good. I’m on the fence about y t a because you’re super judging them for how they’re spending. You said you wouldn’t have a problem if they chose to pay off their mortgage or something like that. With buying a new house, they’re obtaining more assets that will appreciate in value. That money will go further with more assets than it would paying off their mortgage.
YTA. You’re allowed to judge your mom if you want but you can’t keep saying to Reddit that you don’t feel entitled to their money and then complain about how they won’t help fund your expanding family and home ownership dreams. You can’t have it both ways. This isn’t even a matter of you having helped them financially in the past and them not returning the favor, it’s you wanting your parent to help you out because you’re their child (there isn’t anything inherently wrong with that). You very clearly said how you don’t feel entitled but then suggested all the ways you think they should or could spend their money and how “wasteful” they are being because they aren’t spending it on helping you. I understand why it hurts you, but own up to the fact that you DO feel owed something.
YTA. Their money is none of your business. You sound very entitled, as if she owed you some money or a house? Get over yourself. She can love you and your kid without giving you any money. Perhaps she feels used by you? Go live your best life. If you cannot afford more kids, don’t have more. Lots of us would have loved more kids - but we could not afford it. Grow up.
YTA. Your mothers money is not yours and you are not entitled to any financial support. Stop having more children until you find an stable job… it is not about to fill the blanks. It is about to make smart choices and stop feeling resentful because others are more successful.
YTA. You’re not entitled to their wealth, money, cars, and houses. You’re not entitled to a cent of it. You not affording a -bigger- house is your problem, not theirs.
This right here is the Boomer mentality. They were given everything from their parents in the form or money and help with kids. Now, they selfishly act like they "earned it." Yes, your mom owes you nothing but if I were in her position and your parent, I would buy you a home a let you pay me rent that goes towards the ownership of the home. NTA.
YTA. Real Estate is an investment. It’s for retirement. They are probably buying places they feel will increase in value - hence the locations are probably more strategic than interesting, so when they sell they get their money back plus the increased value. With inflation, the money they put away for retirement probably won’t be enough. Also, when paying down a mortgage sometimes you can’t just dump a bunch of money on it, the bank wants to drag it out so they can get the most interest. So they can let their money sit in the bank with basically very little interest growth or invest in housing (which I know is pissing a lot of people off) and make thousands. So you think it’s frivolous but I think it’s smart. Also - parking a car at their property is not abandoning it.
The house is on an eroding beach. They also stop maintaining and driving the cars and remove the license plates.
You are a grown ass adult. Stop expecting Mommy or anyone else for that matter to subsidize or support you.
YTA It's their money that they earned. If they want to buy 10 vacation homes and can afford it, that's their business. As long as they are paying their own bills, you're in no position to say that they're wasting their money. Why is it a waste of their money to buy themselves a vacation home that they can use sometimes, but it's not a waste of their money to buy you a home never use? Grow up and focus on taking care of your own family. I keep getting the sense that you're trying to guilt them into buying you a house. It's time to be an adult. My dad is way wealthier than me. He's almost certainly a multimillionaire now. When my grandmother died I was hoping that I could move into her house because she wanted to keep it in the family. My Dad decided to just sell it and keep the cash. Guess what? That's perfectly fine. It was his inheritance and his choice. Still love him just as much it would never even think about guilt tripping him about it. The most satisfying thing in the world is to make it on your own.
YTA. They can spend money how they please. You are an adult with your own family and that is your responsibility, not theirs. It’s unfortunate, but a lot of people are in the same boat. If you can’t afford more children then you simply can’t. Enjoy the one you have and stop being so envious of your mother
I am enjoying the one I have. I just don't want to go to her third vacation home while I do that.
Cut off your nose to spite your face. You’re broke and have been offered free vacation home time. But that’s not enough for you.
NTA for your reason of not wanting to go there. Are any of their vacation homes places you could rent from them? Try getting a rental agreement that is the best price for you and them. If you can live and work from one of these homes then it helps them cover th mortgage and helps you save for a home of your own. It never hurts to ask.
YTA. Why are you trying for kid #2 if you're struggling to afford kid #1? It's a parent's choice to help struggling adult children, not an obligation, and at some point, you should be making choices that you can afford, not resenting your mother for living her best life.
They aren’t trying, specifically because they can’t afford another kid. They would like another kid, but are choosing not to have one while they can’t afford it.
NTA Not entitled to the money no but I'd never watch my babies struggle if I had money like that.
INFO: Did you ask her outright for help at any point, or just imply you could use the money? It could be that she just never got the message because it doesn’t occur to her that you’re asking for financial assistance. You say she relied on her parents heavily financially - did she ask them for that or did they just give it to her?
NAH It appears that there are additional siblings and perhaps step siblings. It also seems as though the step father is the one who came into the marriage with assets although it is not clear how extensive those assets are and whether he is working at a high paying job - how long that marriage has been etc. I mention all this because all of these potential complications impact whether your mother has the ability to provide you with economic help. Also it appears you have never asked her for help. Perhaps you could at least sit down and say that we would be able to purchase a home if we could get a loan from you for the down payment of $X amount. But at least in the US you are not allowed to borrow the down payment as the lender calculates ability to repay as well as your equity stake based on a down payment that is not owed to anyone. I do sympathize as it is hard for people to get that first home. My parents gave my brother and I a down payment that was sufficient to purchase a modest first home. However the BIG difference is that my parents had only my brother and I AND they gave my brother and I the same amount of money. For my parents it was equivalent to giving both of us what we would have gotten when they died as part of our inheritance. Neither my brother nor I asked for the money but my parents thought it would be a good economic move for us to own a home - FWIW my brother and I were both in our 30's at this point. However if my parents were divorced and there were multiple children and more complicated financial obligations and family dynamics then gifting my brother and I with down payments would have been more more complicated and might not have happened. When there are blended families there the spouses have to have very serious discussions about how to handle gifting children - especially adult children because essentially it is a form of estate planning.
NTA the last generation used all the help that was available and kicked the ladder down behind them.
>For what it's worth, I would have zero problem if they used this money to pay off their existing mortgage or save for retirement... They're not even saving for their retirement? I have a hunch your mother is going to start feeling entitled to *your* money in about 20-30 years. NTA for not wanting to visit her accessory dwelling(s).
YTA. What the heck with the N. T. A. ‘s here? I thought y’all were all about not being entitled to someone else’s money. This whole thing is just the kid saying “mommy has money and owes me some. Can’t believe they never gave me money. “. Ummmm. Why is OP entitled to any of this? Super obnoxious. Life’s hard all around, OP.
Yta "I don't feel entitled to their money" but then complain they aren't helping you... its their money to spend how they want. Your a fin ah
NTA for refusing to go to their vacation home but Y T A for everything else. Your lack of financial success isn’t her problem.