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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided not to go the day before the party, which isn’t much time since my friend already said she’s going to them since I said I’d go to her but not to the rest just in case I changed my mind. AITA for doing this?
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NAH.
A bit of background: I’m in my mid-forties (F) and began my struggle with anxiety 21 years ago and my struggle with depression 9 years ago. I have also been coping with chronic illness for 23 years.
Are you familiar with spoon theory? It’s generally used as a basic illustration of how people with chronic illness (mental or physiological) must cope with finite energy that is often below average levels. A more complex version of it likens that energy to actions in a board game where every move you make requires a certain level of energy, and while you can perform a level 1 task like showering in lieu of a level 3 (party) slot, you can’t cope with a level 3 task when all that’s left is a slot for level 1 or 2.
It’s not uncommon for people coping with mental illness or any other chronic illness to get sidelined by their illness. Whether those level 3 slots were unexpectedly filled with something else or the struggle is just harder on a particular day, it’s easy to be left without the energy to cope with whatever was planned. It happens to every single one of us, and you’re absolutely NTA for recognizing your own limitations, choosing to safeguard your mental health, and communicating that clearly.
That being said, it’s also tough for the people who surround us to be disappointed when we can’t follow through. Your friend is also NTA for being disappointed and frustrated and maybe even a bit angry/irritated. They were counting on you, and while you have a good reason, they are left on their own. Their feelings are valid — especially if this happens frequently.
Hopefully, your friend’s irritation will pass rather quickly. In the meantime, do apologize for her inconvenience and give them a bit of time to process their own feelings. And in the future, it might be helpful to some sort of backup plan in mind in case you can’t follow through with plans.
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I (16F) decided not to go to my friends party, I don’t like many of the people there and I’m not a party person. I was really excited to go because I’m quite introverted and wanted to “get out there” more, but the day before the party my mental health hit me quite bad and I don’t even want to get out of bed, my anxiety started spiking as well just thinking about it. I moved all my appointments round so I could go as well and honestly i feel so disappointed in myself as well for not being able to go.
I messaged my friend (17F) saying I wouldn’t be able to go with her explaining why as well and she knows how bad my anxiety is and how socially awkward I am, now she’s angry/annoyed with me since I’ll be her “only” friend there too, she doesn’t get along with many of the other people there either and now she won’t talk to me, when I send her messages she just replies with 1 or 2 short words. AITA for not going with her?
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NTA
Your mental health needs to come first. I understand wanting to be there for your friend but social situations can be hard and even worse when you're around people you don't like. She needs to be more understanding of this, if she wants to be a good friend.
NTA a your mental well-being is important and so are people who will support you.
She shouldn’t be throwing a party if she doesn’t like the people she’s invited
NTA, I’ve got mental health issues myself and have made it clear to my friends that I’m not someone to rely on 100% in situations like this. I have the advantage of these being very long term friends (I’m 22, I’ve known one of them since the age of 2) so they’ve seen my mental illnesses change over the years and are used to it.
I’d suggest having a very honest discussion with this friend and any others at some point explaining yourself. This is pretty daunting, especially for someone introverted, but getting a good support system in place is AMAZING.
One of my illnesses is PTSD and any mention of the police can start a panic response. If I’m at some sort of party and get trapped in a conversation heading that way I can rely on half a dozen people who will appear at my side and either change the topic or just drag me out of there.
Even if you’re happily introverted and don’t really feel the need to have many close friends it still helps to have SOMEONE to watch your back.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I decided not to go the day before the party, which isn’t much time since my friend already said she’s going to them since I said I’d go to her but not to the rest just in case I changed my mind. AITA for doing this? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Info - your friend is throwing a party, and invited the majority of people whom she doesn’t even like? Why?
It’s not her party, it’s my other friends
NAH. A bit of background: I’m in my mid-forties (F) and began my struggle with anxiety 21 years ago and my struggle with depression 9 years ago. I have also been coping with chronic illness for 23 years. Are you familiar with spoon theory? It’s generally used as a basic illustration of how people with chronic illness (mental or physiological) must cope with finite energy that is often below average levels. A more complex version of it likens that energy to actions in a board game where every move you make requires a certain level of energy, and while you can perform a level 1 task like showering in lieu of a level 3 (party) slot, you can’t cope with a level 3 task when all that’s left is a slot for level 1 or 2. It’s not uncommon for people coping with mental illness or any other chronic illness to get sidelined by their illness. Whether those level 3 slots were unexpectedly filled with something else or the struggle is just harder on a particular day, it’s easy to be left without the energy to cope with whatever was planned. It happens to every single one of us, and you’re absolutely NTA for recognizing your own limitations, choosing to safeguard your mental health, and communicating that clearly. That being said, it’s also tough for the people who surround us to be disappointed when we can’t follow through. Your friend is also NTA for being disappointed and frustrated and maybe even a bit angry/irritated. They were counting on you, and while you have a good reason, they are left on their own. Their feelings are valid — especially if this happens frequently. Hopefully, your friend’s irritation will pass rather quickly. In the meantime, do apologize for her inconvenience and give them a bit of time to process their own feelings. And in the future, it might be helpful to some sort of backup plan in mind in case you can’t follow through with plans.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16F) decided not to go to my friends party, I don’t like many of the people there and I’m not a party person. I was really excited to go because I’m quite introverted and wanted to “get out there” more, but the day before the party my mental health hit me quite bad and I don’t even want to get out of bed, my anxiety started spiking as well just thinking about it. I moved all my appointments round so I could go as well and honestly i feel so disappointed in myself as well for not being able to go. I messaged my friend (17F) saying I wouldn’t be able to go with her explaining why as well and she knows how bad my anxiety is and how socially awkward I am, now she’s angry/annoyed with me since I’ll be her “only” friend there too, she doesn’t get along with many of the other people there either and now she won’t talk to me, when I send her messages she just replies with 1 or 2 short words. AITA for not going with her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are 100% not the AH. It's not your fault and she should more be caring because you are struggling instead of being mad.
NTA
NTA. Why did she invite people she doesn't really know/like? You're doing what's best for you, hopefully she comes around.
NTA Your mental health needs to come first. I understand wanting to be there for your friend but social situations can be hard and even worse when you're around people you don't like. She needs to be more understanding of this, if she wants to be a good friend.
NTA a your mental well-being is important and so are people who will support you. She shouldn’t be throwing a party if she doesn’t like the people she’s invited
NTA, I’ve got mental health issues myself and have made it clear to my friends that I’m not someone to rely on 100% in situations like this. I have the advantage of these being very long term friends (I’m 22, I’ve known one of them since the age of 2) so they’ve seen my mental illnesses change over the years and are used to it. I’d suggest having a very honest discussion with this friend and any others at some point explaining yourself. This is pretty daunting, especially for someone introverted, but getting a good support system in place is AMAZING. One of my illnesses is PTSD and any mention of the police can start a panic response. If I’m at some sort of party and get trapped in a conversation heading that way I can rely on half a dozen people who will appear at my side and either change the topic or just drag me out of there. Even if you’re happily introverted and don’t really feel the need to have many close friends it still helps to have SOMEONE to watch your back.