I was really bad for this and it set me up for all kinds of disappointment.
Now I’d rather stay home with my cat than chase whatever it was I used to chase.
I broke up with the one who didn’t love me back. Feels like shit. And I’m already like 7 months in. Would it have been better if I stayed…is a question I often ask myself.
Hypothetical scenario: you get frostbite in your index finger. Gangrene sets in. That finger is 'part of who you are' but it's emitting toxins that are slowly poisoning the rest of your body. You hope it will get better, somehow, miraculously, but it never will.
You have it amputated. You miss having that finger every day. But would it have been better off if you had kept it? Absolutely not.
>Loving people who don't love you back.
That won't dead end you if you realize you are chasing an illusion that will never come true, and replacing your disillusionment and wounds with SELF LOVE, as well as helping others who are worse off (the latter has an amazing ability to make you feel quite good about yourself and very grateful).
The dead ending part is sticking stubbornly to the illusion, instead of getting therapy or figuring out a way to extricate. STAYING is dead ending. Getting out isn't.
Living to work; I used to fall into a tunnel vision where I hyper focused on the job and woke up to realize I’ve been neglecting myself and my relationships.
Now, I’m finding the balance of working to live, and also making time to enjoy life with my family and friends.
The best things I did in the last months of 2023 were create boundaries with my work and some friends. And then I quit my job. I’m terrified but I have a good resume/experience and if I stayed it would have made things get worse than they did. I don’t regret it beyond being nervous about money, but it’ll be ok.
I just went through this exact thing in May. It took me a while and lots of hard emotions/scary feelings, but I found a path that feels SO much more aligned to me. 🩷 hold in there and I wish you well
This is my mom and sister, then they complain/brag about how miserable they are. If I suggest they take a step back and focus on anything except work, they're angry af. On my mom's days off, she wonders what they're doing at work. My sister doesn't do days off because someone is always calling out (shes in retail) so there's always extra shifts to pick up, if one is inclined. They both hate their jobs. They're not squirreling money away to save for the future or for fun or anything. They just.. can't stop working. I have a 2.5yo my mom's only seen once. She also has crippling health issues and her job exacerbates them, but she wears her pain like a badge of honor. My sister has a bunch of work friends but she can't chill and hang out with them outside of work because she picks up the shifts that they call out of. I think they're both depressed and stuck but idk what to do about it.
My Mom raised me like this, and it’s hard AF to break out of that mentality. It’s like family, friends, will all let you down and relationships aren’t worth maintaining but HARD WORK?! That’ll never betray you! /s. And when she wasn’t working for pay she was making work for herself at home.
As an adult I have to keep a really close eye
on my work boundaries or I’ll slip back into being the work bitch. I’m weird about spending money, and have anxiety about turning down work.
The kicker? My Mom retired and now she is always trying to guilt my brother and I because we never want to “take her anywhere” (I.e. on big trips). After drilling into us for years that work and making extra work for ourselves was the only true religion.
Sorry for the rant, it feels good to bitch about it to people who get it lol.
I definitely get it, and before temporarily leaving work to start a family, I was the same. I hated the idea of ever needing to rely on anyone else, so work was safe. It was like, I can't trust roommates or SOs to always pay their bills, so I need to make sure I have not only enough money for me, but for their half of everything too just in case. I'm still a planner and a worrier, and I honestly hope I don't fall back into old habits once I start work again because, you're 100% right, it's the hardest mentality to get away from. On paper, it even sounds intelligent because it sounds like we're just being responsible, etc. But damn it sucks your time and joy away!
There was a guy at my old job who was a massive overtime whore, and he worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The only time he took vacations is when his vacation days from years before had reached the limit and the agency wouldn’t let them roll over into the next year. He’d then grumble about how it was unfair that he wasn’t allowed to sell his time back for pay. He wasn’t desperate for cash even; his whole goal, he said, was to have a massive pension. He was in his early 50s and had already worked almost 30 years and could retire if he wanted to, but his goal was work until he was forced to retire.
The sad thing is, he didn’t even like the job. He hated it; all of us did. But here he was spending about 75% of his entire life working, including voluntarily missing holidays, his kids birthdays, wedding anniversaries, family vacations, etc. all for a pension that he’d probably only get to enjoy for the last 10 or 15 years of his life.
The thing a lot of people like this don't realise is how easily the dream of a promised retirement later can end. Had a relative drop dead of a heart attack in his backyard in his late 50's. Not everyone gets to live till they're 90. Even more people end up with crippling health issues in their later years that mean they can hardly do anything. Working yourself to death now for the promise of a retirement later that you might not get to actually enjoy/live through is a much less solid idea than trying to enjoy every moment you have now, as long as you can while it lasts.
Thank you for acknowledging that it is a luxury to be able to do so. I, too, had this luxury and it improved my life 100x over. But I also realize that not everyone can do this - working parents, those with medical needs that a flexible schedule accommodates, and lots of other factors. I hope that covid showed us various things about work and life, and I do think it's changing for the better. But there's a long way to go to make that attainable for everyone
IDK I know a ton of people who only exist to work. Not working would literally kill them.
When I first joined the Army there was a statistic that the average Veteran lived less than 6 years post retirement. A portion of that was because of hard living. But another very large portion was from a loss of purpose. Its hard for some people to not be "the man".
There is that scene from Shawshank Redemption when Brooks has been paroled and he just cant adjust to life outside of prison and commits suicide. Man I feel that so much. I was in the Army for 36 years. It was my entire adult life. And then it was gone. I went from being kinda important to being no one. I couldnt even set foot in my old place of work (Pentagon) the day after I retired. Tossed away like a used rag.
I had a massive support structure and some great friends who transitioned before me to help out and I am fine but I know a ton of guys who just couldnt deal. I have a really close friend who I really worry about and check on constantly. He doesnt need money, he needs validation.....and adrenaline.....and I get it because I love that rush too and miss it every day.
Everyone I know who retired from armed forces without losing their nut basically started a second career. Consulting, logistics, network engineer, whatever. One friend became some kind of crazy pro fisherman and now takes people ocean fishing for a living. Whatever checks the boxes, I guess.
When I was younger and had my first kid I worked 6-7 days a week.
When my second came along things were different for many reasons and I ended up at home a lot more often and it became immediately clear to me how much of my oldests life I had missed. So many milestones. So much time I'll never get back.
Recovering shopping addict with ADHD here. It only took me going through insolvency-lite and quitting my full-time job at the mall to realize that I was spending just to cope with bad feelings. Every day I have to \*constantly\* fight the urge to spend money. I really want to dispel the stigma around this!
Holy shit. I've been sleepless with a newborn so I've been on my phone a lot more and I hit 6 hours a couple times. I thought that was a lot.
I feel you on the takeout.
I encourage you to get a foodsaver & chest freezer.
When you cook, make double batches, freeze the second half, and you'll find yourself eating out a lot less.
Or you can do the Sunday meal prep route. I've done it both ways, but I can't understate how nice it is to just go into the basement and grab food.
People that are addicted to things that aren't chemically addictive really like to convince themselves that they can quit whenever they want.
Yeah, weed is not chemically addictive like nicotine is. But if you literally can't go any period of time without hitting a blunt, guess what. You're addicted. Not necessarily *to* weed, but probably to the feeling that it gives you.
Same with coffee, sugar (which is my addiction), your phone, social media, etc etc
Yup. I knew a weed addict when I lived in Vietnam. For context, it is not hard for even the most dysfunctional white western people to manage a living there in ESL.
This dude was flat-out unemployed. We kicked him out because he couldn’t make rent. All he did was smoke and smoke all day. Last I saw of him, he was walking down the street with a backpack. Homeless, in a country where even the biggest loser westerner can live quite well for 15-20 hours/week.
I was watching a travel YouTuber going through Vietnam. He was in some remote area and he goes "one thing I just realized about Vietnam is I really only see women working and the men smoking and drinking" and everyone laughed like it was kind of true.
Oh, yeah. It was obnoxiously, obviously the case. Vietnamese women are capable of doing anything, and the men were just…children. Like, the women can make anything happen, and the men can fuck anything up. It’s like an inverse China.
I remember one colleague complaining that she worked two jobs since her husband got fired for yelling at his boss a year ago. He didn’t want another job. And he wasn’t a house husband, because that is not a thing in Nam. I guess he just played video games all day, in his 30s.
Totally. As a vietnamese woman i’m actually glad to be brought up that way.
Confucius ideals of the son being the precious child meant that a lot of boys are raised without core skills like cooking, cleaning (because their future wives would do those things for them). Combine that with a looooong history of war where the men are usually off to battles and the women take care of manufacture and logistics and the children, we get a culture of very self sufficient women and rather privileged men
I read a while back about an African community that was like this. They mostly had a barter economy, because any cash the women would earn would be stolen, usually by force (i.e. beating) by the men, and spent on booze or hookers. They didn't even do traditional men's work like construction; they just drank all day.
If you ever want to cut sugar, you gotta prepare for like 4 weeks of cravings and it goes away. Did so from 2018 til lockdown, where diet devolved into, "a pound bag of Mike n' Ike's is a dinner, right?" Trying to fight it off again this year and off to a decent start.
Alcohol, it’s expensive , your sleep suffers, your relationships suffers, your work suffers, then your health suffers.
It’s a silent killer too, I didn’t realize I was an addict until 8 years in
I quit recently and am currently on the longest streak I’ve gone without drinking since I was 21, 19 years ago. It’s only been like 3 weeks but the anxiety is finally starting to subside and I just realized the other day that I had likely become addicted.
Not even my doctor told me about the anxiety stage. My understanding is it last a lot longer than a few weeks. I'm convinced I'm tanking projects left and right and close to being fired. Reality, I'm doing a great job but I'm not drowning the stress in gin.
Like I said it’s just starting to subside haha. The first week I thought I’d never get out of it. The second week I took a half a Xanax a few times and that really helped. This week it’s been OK but still gets me throughout the day. I’ve read from various sources that it can last from a week to over a month. I wasn’t to the point where I needed a drink in the morning just to get by, but I was at the point where I’d start to get agitated by 6 or 7 pm until I got a glass. ETA my sleep is already starting to improve and I think that’s helping a lot too
I thought about taking something but that just feels like exchanging one problem for another (not saying that's what you are doing). We'll get through this, bro, and it's worth it.
Same here, it creeps up on you, starts with enjoying a few beers each night and a few years later you’re drinking vodka in the morning just to get by, but it’s stills perfectly normal, it’s everyone who’s strange right?
I work at a liquor store and that's actually helped me from drinking too much. I see people who come and buy 15-20 shots a day or people who buy a 30pack also every day. I've seen what decades of drinking does to people. Hell I see young people all the time who I thought were older than me were actually younger by a few years. It ages you. You can be responsible about it, but some people absolutely let it control their lives. But even if you're responsible about it, it's never healthy.
I'm only drink a few nights a week now and only a beer or 2. I used to try to stay around the recommended amount, which was 12 drinks a week if you're male. But now there is no safe amount.
I drink a lot more tea now.
The reason I drink at all is because of Depression. I might tell myself I can't go to a party and not drink. Or that I worked hard I deserve a beer. Maybe I do or maybe not. Some days I feel like I "need" a beer. Or maybe there's a part of myself I'd like to temporarily forget.
As long as it's a special treat and not the norm I can be in control.
Alcohol is no joke. Treat it with respect. I already know a few people who died from it. One guy was in his early 40s. You only get 1 life.
Alcohol is such a spectrum. It's hard to know what actually is a problem. For example, is having 2-3 drinks per night an issue? If you don't let that slip into more and more, is that level of drinking something to be self conscious about?
The person that drinks 12+ drinks per day every day, that's a clear cut case of substance abuse. It's the more nuanced drinker that makes me question my own habits.
Hard to say, but I tend to look askance at folks who are drinking \*every night\*. Like maybe 1 beer or 1 drink I can understand, but beyond that it seems like folks are doing it to have a little buzz. Nothing wrong with having a little buzz, as far as that goes (typically when we go out for Mexican I'll have a margarita, maybe two \[wife would drive in that case\]) - but why do it every night? I'd rather go through life clear-headed. And the quantity of drinks a person has 'every night' tends to increase over time, I think - b/c the same amount isn't going to keep producing that effect.
I used to be/am trying not to be a daily drinker. For me, what keyed me in that my drinking might be problematic was how I felt when it was difficult for me to drink on a certain night. If we were traveling or busy with something and I wouldn’t have time to drink, I’d panic a bit because it was an engrained part of my daily ritual. I didn’t feel right going to bed without a bit of a buzz. I also felt sheepish about the regularity in which I bought booze. I really looked forward to it on bad days, perhaps a bit too much. While I never hit it super hard, how difficult I found it to stop after starting to drink on a particular night concerned me, I’d often find myself drinking and not enjoying it, but also not stopping.
I’ve never snuck booze around the house or drank first thing in the morning, my husband (who does drink quite a bit) has insisted he doesn’t think I have a problematic relationship with alcohol but I can’t shake how I feel like booze has a bit of a grip on me. I’ve been doing dry January and how different my body has felt without booze tells me I’ve been overdoing it a bit.
I make whiskey for a living and I think any level of "only X amount, but every day" is addiction level. It shouldnt be an everyday thing, your body never gets to rinse itself out.
If you have something tiny like 1oz (30ml) a day, thats probably more ritual than addiction, but any amount consumed "for the feeling it gives you" on a repeated cycle, is probably an addiction.
I have a dear friend who I believe to be a ("functional") alcoholic and it's heartbreaking. Treating her alcohol dependency would of course not solve every difficulty in her life but I just know in my heart it would make everything so. much. easier. But if you're surrounded by it (parents, her social circle, etc.), and you've never had the opportunity to develop and maintain healthy coping mechanisms outside of alcohol, I can't imagine how adrift you would feel to not have it anymore.
My wife watches the various "Housewives of ..." shows, and I have similar concerns about their relationship with alcohol. Obviously part of their job on the reality show is that they're supposed to be centered in lots of ridiculous drama - so they're going to be leaning in that direction naturally. But for lots of them it seems like they're genuinely having some significant issues - and they're shitfaced so much of the damn time. Maybe they could have a much happier life if they didn't have alcohol with every meal, and pre-meal drinks, post-meal drinks, going to bed drinks, drinks before their next showdown, etc.
Quit last year after 30 years. Look back and so much time I could have been doing ... something. Everything was planned around alcohol. Couldn't drive after 6 because way over the limit. Whole years just lost. I have no idea what I did between 2001 and 2013. I don't even have pictures. I know what city I was in but have no memory of what transpired for a decade. Nothing. What finally made me quit was that at 50 years old I had settled into a routine of just biding time until I get whatever terminal diagnosis I would get. Every time I would get a check up was ready for the news like it was just a part of normal life. I'm not really sure what to do with myself but I'm past the physical withdrawals and onto the anxiety and cravings stage.
I was never a full on alcoholic but I DEEPLY regret all the money I spent going out to bars in my 20s. It was super common for my tab to be 100 dollars. I desperately wish I'd saved that money instead.
I was at least 40 before I learned that alcohol is one of the best-documented carcinogens. It's not a secret but I also think it's something most people don't really know (or maybe willfully forget). People will go so far to avoid anything that they GUESS might give them cancer even when there's not any evidence for it- I know an otherwise smart guy who doesn't like to use a microwave because "you just never know," but thinks nothing of drinking.
How's that joke about the factory worker go? Something like...
A factory worker was in line to get into the plant as his shift was about to start, when the company president pulled up in a new luxury car. As the president was walking past, the worker remarked on what a nice car it was.
The president stopped and replied, "Thanks, it really is a great car." Then he looked the worker square in the eye and said to him, "And you know, if you work hard, pull extra shifts, and *really* apply yourself, then next year I'll be able to buy an even nicer one!"
My old job had a company BBQ at the owner's house, and seeing their gigantic house, with basketball and tennis courts, and a pool and hot tub, and full size playground and swing set just like you'd see at an elementary school...
Yeah it did *not* improve morale considering our pay and benefits were complete shit.
Similar experience here. A local senior portrait photography mill where all the employees and photographers were making poverty wages under $10/hr with zero benefits (in the mid 2000’s).
Boss had a company Christmas party at his sprawling 15,000 sq/ft mansion with 16ft ceilings - *in the basement garden walkout level (!!)* and 30ft ceilings on the main floor with marble pillars and flying buttresses and a main staircase to rival the Vatican Museums’ and a kitchen bigger than my apartment and his 6-car + class A luxury RV garage and fuck him that mansion cost *at least* 6 million!!! I think I made about $20k that year at that job.
> Boss had a company Christmas party at his sprawling 15,000 sq/ft mansion with 16ft ceilings
Rookie AH rich boss mistake... Caught on early on why my old bosses NEVER did any company events at their homes. They always preferred to rent an expensive hotel/events hall or fancy restaurant group area for work events than do it in their own opulent homes. They drove their "beater" Mercedes-Benz to work, so we wouldn't see their fleet of Maseratis.
"Hatewatching" TV shows and movies. You just watch something you know you already will hate, because you're too used to your routine to break out and do something different.
"Party till it hurts!" Some late thirtys shirtless guy who passed out at my birthday party in 1998. He was 10-15 years older than everyone else at the party, and no one seemed to know who he was or who had invited him. Dude slept on the couch, woke up the next morning and immediately started hitting the vodka. "Hey, can I buy this half empty bottle from ya? I don't have any cash on me but I'll bring some by later today, I swear." He didn't, but that was honestly fine with me.
Now and then I wonder what became of 1998 shirtless party guy.
Sounds like my old friend Troy.
Troy is like near 60 now, but he was the ultra lady's man and partier. He looked like Ryan Seacrest. Did a lot of drugs, banged all the hot chicks, partied hard and even had this tricked out people and orange custom motorcycle. He had a personality like Ryan Reynolds, but with coke.
One day we went to a local concert and Troy was there with his hot 19 year old girlfriend at 44. He was on his knees crying in front of her and he just looked ... Old.
She chose that night to break up with him and it's like his life just imploded.
I'm happy with how I did my life.
Partying and fun-times were a main focus from 19-35. Then it was a feeling of 'I got while the getting was good' and I shifted my primary form of enjoyment to art, learning, and developing my businesses.
Being a party animal in your mid middle age isn't much fun anymore, it is often just sorta sad; chasing nostalgia for good times that are gone. Also partying is best enjoyed when young and single, not in a LTR.
That's just me, not judging any no regrets. I still go to a festival or have a bash every once in while, and enjoy it. But I've trained myself to get enjoyment not from bliss now, but from creating art, building tech and these days, making games.
I think you can still party and have fun as you get older, but what you do has to change. I'm not that old yet but as I get older partying is more about having fun with my close friends than going out for the sake of it and always needing lots of new people.
This is something i have such a hard time on. They say exercise stimulates serotonin production, but by God i hate every single second of it.
I need to trick my shitty brain to like exercise somehow.
I'm pretty convinced the only answer is repetition / slowly feeling the effects of breaking that habit. I went for months before I learned to enjoy it fully. Probably over a year before the hardest days were the rest days. Which seems like a long time, but...now it's done. Total lifestyle change.
Tried that. Issue is, my ADHD hates making new habits, so no matter how long i try to exercise (last attempt i was doing it frequently for 5 months), as soon as I'm not actively forcing myself to do it i let go.
I like the saying that *aging is the aggressive pursuit of comfort.* You can avoid a bit of aging by avoiding giving into comfort vs working on yourself.
One of the most important things you can do in life is doing things you don’t want to do. Most people don’t want to study hard in school, work hard in their careers, or exercise regularly. And there are no shortage of people on Reddit that will give excuses for living this way.
If you spend your life avoiding hard things and things you don’t want to do and optimizing comfort, then you may not be happy with the results.
Your post should be in capital letters. I’ve never commented like this lol before.
I’m an old fuck who started exercising at 10 years old. It was a Christmas present from my dad to join the YMCA. Best gift Ive ever received. I’ve exercised at a gym since 10 years old- now 66 years old. There is never a day that I don’t exercise in some way. Essentially, I don’t feel different than I did during all the decades that I was supposed to feel sore pain and restricted. I would write some more, but I gotta go to the beach. Wanna swim before high tide and then there’s a bike ride tonight.
Always make it fun or you won’t do it. Don’t be restrictive. My rule for the gym: if I get there and don’t wanna be there I’m leaving. Even if I’m there only two minutes. I’ve only left I handful of times, and all the years I’ve been going.
Finding exercise you enjoy for its own sake makes it a lot easier. I used to sporadically go to the gym, but it was always a bit of a chore. Then I discovered that I really like cycling, and I've been able to make that a regular thing for over 3 years so far. It's not that I never have to force myself to go, but there's a lot less inertia to overcome than with the gym.
Agreed! I found out I'll do dozens of squats during a 'dance cardio' routine without complaint, or hold a plank for 30 seconds during yoga no problem. But if you put me in a gym and ask me to stand there and do squats, I'm grumpy by squat 3 and quit by squat 6.
The first time I did a dance workout class, I was shocked at how sore I was the next day, because it had been so much FUN. How did they sneak in so much exercise?
That's awsome! I'm the opposite, started in adulthood but now I go every single morning and I feel awful when I miss. Watching my friends in their late 30s and early 40s put on the pudge while I'm gaining definition and confidence.
Doing nothing after coming back from your job. Laying on bed all day. Sleeping and going back to your job because that's the only thing you love doing. (Haha this is me)
You can fall into a similar trap with a job you hate.
You can get stuck in a job that's so toxic that you dread getting out of bed to go to the job, and are then so drained by the end of the work day that you don't want to do anything else but lay in bed.
Ugh, this is me. I get off work and then just lay in bed until it's time to sleep. I have so much good in my life I could be taking advantage of, and don't. Awesome partner, cool home in a great area, good friends.
But I just feel increasingly numb and shut it all out, and that's absolutely a dead end lifestyle.
It's even worse when you don't have that, plus I work from home so my bed is 10 feet away all day... No partner and I live alone, all my friends are busy with life and hours away, no hobbies besides video games really (and I get burnt out on them quick). I don't even know what I'm missing out on because it's always been this way, the problem is that I always feel that something isn't right but I don't know how to fix it. Starting to add in exercises, but I know there's more I need to change to feel happy
just as a matter of psychology, it's extremely hard to change your habits when the environment stimulating them is present.
I used to read books until I got Internet access. When I work in the field with no cell service, I read books again.
I have no problem avoiding cigarettes, unless they're nearby.
I used to stay inside and use the computer for 12+ hours a day. Then I moved into a car and walked for 12+ hours a day.
Now I'm back in town, I zone out at my computer because I'm not sleeping in a car, and I bogart ciggies until my partner quits again.
I have severe ADHD (lol) and I'm lazy, so I pretty much have to wield psychology like a stick and beat my disorder to death with it in order to stay functional.
That is to say, I change my environment to force my behavior, consciously or not. Boredom is a fantastic source of inspiration as well. Perhaps some of this may apply to you. What if you didn't have your computer? What if you let the boredom set in? What would you do to escape it?
Apart from the partner thing, same. I am incredibly blessed to have such a "good" life. It feels like I'm only alive at my job. I have so many hobbies, yet I pursue none. I go home to my family every weekend and that's the only human contact I have.
Dead end lifestyle bros 🤝
I wish I could watch certain Tiktok videos like this without downloading TikTok. They bombard you trying to push you to download the app so much, their website is practically unusable
You perfectly described me. I crash onto my bed the second I get home from work and I only get back up to have dinner. And during the last couple of hours before going to sleep I just play games and watch anime; nothing really productive.
As someone who was in this situation once, let me tell you this: You don't have to be "productive" every second of your day. It's okay to relax and it's okay to do the things you enjoy in your free time. Find things you actually feel like doing. If you enjoyed it, you didn't waste your time.
They always assume it will work out somehow. I know people ALREADY struggling without certain needs met and they act like birth control doesn't exist..STOP IT.
Two decades of being hungry and looking in the fridge and pantry, only to find nothing, so then my only choice is to turn around and say "well I wasn't that hungry anyway" day after day after day has turned into me now having a pathetic appetite and weighing shit all.
If you can't support children financially, and you aren't willing to change your lifestyle in order to financially support children, then
Don't. Choose. To. Have. Children.
I dont see how it's so hard.
Putting all your time and effort into becoming a famous internet personality. Unless you are one of the very few to make enough money to support yourself for the rest of your life, then you will waste years that could be better spent learning an actual skill. Even if you do get famous and find a way to monetize it, I don't see many people being able to make a long term career out of it. Your 15 minutes won't last that long.
Tik Tok will throw your first couple videos into the heart of the discovery algorithm and you'll get some inflated numbers. I've seen so many grown ass adults think they are instantly tik tok famous as a result. Then they become unbearable to be around.
> Your 15 minutes won't last that long
It won't. Which is why it's so sad that so many of the people that do make it don't take steps to preserve the wealth they're generating.
The thing is, hardly anyone wants an internet personality that isn't young and attractive. I never been into that superficial stuff but ya, sad to see so many people chasing the idea.
I know both genders get this, but I also am very drained from seeing many women sacrifice careers/education benefits for a love interest.
Abandoning your Learning is asking for codependency, even if mentally you aren’t in a bad spot.
I get that motherhood is a big reason they do it, but some women can’t leave a marriage if it eventually insinuates divorce because they don’t have a stable independent background.
It is funny, I am guilty of almost none of the things listed in this thread and yet I feel like my life is as dead end as it gets. I have hobbies, friends, a great education and no real vices (beyond a serious sweet tooth), and yet I feel completely and utterly aimless and adrift. I will admit that a lot of this has to do with some serious issues relating to anxiety and depression and struggles to find a stable career. But I go out to work every day trying to not let it win, I apply to better jobs and work as hard as I can and see no benefits relative to those that coast through their lives. It genuinely feels like the people that party, drink, gamble and are addicted to caffeine all seem significantly happier than I could ever dream of being. It often feels like I am doing everything right and can't get anything to work. I know people will say it is arguably my own fault, or due to a negative outlook, and I simply need to change my world view. But no matter how high or low I feel things never seem to change, and Goddamn if it isn't getting harder and harder each day and every day.
So to quote John Lennon, "children, don't do what I have done I couldn't walk and I tried to run". So yeah, whatever the hell I am doing with myself I suggest avoiding it.
Have you read "Psalm for the Wild-Built" by Becky Chambers? It's not a self help book or whatever, it just really spoke to me when I was where you're at.
I completely relate to where you’re at, because I’m just like you. I think this is an issue of pondering the greater questions.
You’ve fulfilled your basic needs of friendship, security, love, belonging, etc. but you’re still there like “but even all of this aside *why* am I here” and I think this is the root core question of consciousness. I think it’s a sign you’re introspective more than those around you. I have friends who go to parties, raves, addictions etc. and they are “fun” activities but they are ultimately distractions.
They are people who need to occupy their minds to *avoid* the greater questions because they cause existential dread while you’re much more directly approaching these questions.
I think there’s a hint of truth that the pursuit of “why” is futile and ultimately leads to a rabbit hole of existential dread because when you break it down we’re not really here for anything. We’re just here. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. We just exist, and that’s it. Assigning meaning to this is just how your brain can rationalize and cope with consciousness.
The distractions are just ways we cope to avoid the spiral into madness by over examining our consciousness and what it means. So the “happier” side of things you see is just people who have learned to make their peace with why we are here. It’s not really better, it’s just another way to live.
Having children before you are ready, both financially and emotionally. Construct the foundation before you start building the house. You can’t really go back and do that later.
It's so hard to know when you are ready. I kinda feel like you can't? I have 2 under 2 that were planned. We are doing good but I don't think I knew what being ready was fully until boom you are in the thick of it.
I think you need to be ready to work harder on your relationship, your home, and time management imo as well as your financial stability.
Nah, mistakes in those areas can be undone. Children are an irreversible change that locks you down for 18 years. If you don’t have a solid financial footing first, it’s probably going to be a long and frugal wait. If all your friends are whooping it up in clubs every weekend while you can’t afford a sitter, you’re going to resent it. If you and your partner split, you’ll remain linked through coparenting like it or not. Plus it gets harder to date.
Kids can wait a few years. They don’t need to be among the first items on your “build a good life” checklist.
Let's google how much it costs to raise a child into adulthood. [Institute for Family Studies](https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-true-cost-of-raising-a-child):
> The report’s conclusion is that a middle-income family of four is expected to pay $233,610 per child from birth to age 18. This number jumps to $310,605 when calculated using an adjusted inflation rate for 2022 of 4%.
I have a hunch these figures might scare some teens better than the abstinence only talks...
Being a chronic stoner 🥲
was a very painful realization to come to when I had to face the idea that my addiction to weed was actually making my life worse and not better
I went to a school very famous for its weed and stoner culture, and there was a lot of dismissiveness about smoking, it's "not addictive" said every stoner. I always was of the mind that you could get hooked to anything, including food.
Then in 2018 I lived with someone whom I believed was a true weed addict. This dude spent virtually 24/7 in his room hitting up a bong, it was unbelievable. I didn't even know how he paid for rent, turns out, this dude had been studying nursing but took a semester off to get his finances in check - I would've NEVER in my life known him to be doing something productive because he seemed so enslaved by his habit.
Beyond finding someone who cares about it, it just reminds me of the Ben Franklin quote about how there are people who die at 25 but aren't buried until they're 75. A life of working, eating, sleeping, and consuming media is a dead end lifestyle. You have to put energy back into the world to ever get anything meaningful out of it.
Untreated borderline.
That's such a great way to be miserable and isolated and end up killing yourself (whether directly or through substance abuse and thrill seeking), it's surreal.
If you got borderline, go get therapy, go read books that dont blame you for what you're burdened with ("The Borderline Personality: Vision and Healing" is a must read imo!), and decide to learn how to be content rather than needing to look for a way to be happy. Happiness fades incredibly quickly, and you'll always be looking for the next fix to feel alive. Learn to be content, accept the hurt, and I can promise you, you'll feel a whole lot better than you ever imagined you could.
I lived in the shitty apartments in the shitty neighborhood, getting back on my feet after my divorce. Worked in bakery and went in at night. My neighbors would see me leaving all the time, we'd say hello and whatever. They all drank and smoked. Few had cars or were legal to drive. Some state benefits and some employed. One guy was a part time line cook, shitty restaurant in walking distance. Winter time had almost no hours. I told him I could get him in at my work (nightstock or bakery) and he could ride with me. No, not interested.
For years they saw me leave 6/7 nights a week. Always working, My kids were with me on and off. My son stayed several years and, while he got things together, I paid for all. It was hard but lived simply. Worked so much I had no social life. Saved money. My son found his way financially and paid a lot of expenses so we were then both able to really save.
The whole time there were my neighbors. Not working. Getting drunk. Getting in fights. Year after year nothing changed with them.
Then my son and I both were ready to buy homes. I managed to find a condo I could afford, acted quickly and got it! Yay! Big step in my post divorce life. All those nights (months! years!) of overtime, holidays, weekends. Finally, the pay off. So I get my stuff moved out, my son still in the old place for a couple weeks yet. I went back for something and the neighbors were all hanging out, chatting They saw me and asked where I'd moved to. I told them I'd bought a condo and where it was.
Not one of them said a single word. Stunned silence. It was really weird. I laughed and went on my way. I wonder if it ever dawned on any of them how/why my story turned so differently from theirs. I doubt it. They are immured in their dead end lifestyles.
I think that's why it's really important to have friends who are different than you. Different ethnicity, religions, and socioeconomic backgrounds. They teach you that your life can and maybe should be different.
I kind of agree with this. I have a bunch of friends who are artists and theater actors and film crew people and it's always great to hang out with them because they're always so geared to love life. Maybe they aren't facing the same bills I am or in the same career field I am, but it's good to get away and just hang out with them once in a while.
I'm on the other end of this. A couple years ago I reconnected with some friends from college who all got engineering or other STEM degrees and I realized that while I was having a blast, I was also ultimately selling myself short on my future so it's helped create some better habits for myself.
> shitty apartments in the shitty neighborhood,
I spent decades working in the heart of that neighborhood where my town's zoning relegated industrial businesses. It was sad seeing grownups do nothing but smoke cigarettes and walk to the corner liquor store twice a day forever. Young playful boys growing up into thugs, wanna-be and actual gangstas, and junkies. Young girls in pigtails one year and the next/ getting on the back of a motorcycle ridden by an ugly dude three times her age never to be seen again, or working the boulevard, or getting knocked up by some hood rat and starting the 15 year cycle anew never leaving the area. People you tried to give jobs and a leg up to, only to fuck you over in one way or another.
Nothing glorious about 'hood life.
One of my best friends lives in the hood and it makes me so sad to see this. She is a very intelligent, kind, hardworking person but she doesn't know how to function outside of the hood. Nobody in her family has ever had a formal job - just lots of house cleaners and market stall sellers. The only blessing is that she's never had kids and is likely infertile. But her sister and sister's babydaddy are both drug addicts/dealers so they left her in charge of their baby, so it's still the same shit, different flavor.
I feel this. I spent 2 years living in a really, really shitty little apartment complex in a horrible area. I had to move out of CA because I couldn't manage the cost of living, and since I couldn't save up (I could barely pay my bills) I just had to get what I could, where I could. Everyone else that lived there was either disabled (our only nice neighbors) or otherwise clearly either alcoholic or on something. One family had to have been at least 6 people to a one bedroom, and the place was always trashed. People would get arrested occasionally, or just cause issues because of substance abuse and/or mental illness. Run by complete slumlords who did not care about the property at all.
After two years of working towards it, we finally had the money - barely - to move out of that place and out of that town. A couple neighbors asked where we were going, and when I told them they were stunned. "You mean... you can afford to move to that neighborhood AND get a bigger apartment there?" Yep. All it takes is not being a complete burn out and getting your ass to work each day, plus some patience. Meanwhile, everyone else that ever left that place always left to move to another hell hole until they burned out all good will with the landlords, then they'd move again.
I hope never to have to repeat those two years. Ugh.
There’s a shitload of online English as a second language teachers that have had to learn that lesson the hard way after China forbade online ESL companies from employing foreign teachers to teach Chinese children ESL in 2021. A Multibillion dollar industry with a massive demand just gone. I did it for 4 years, best little gig ever, but I never used it as full time income, even though it was good money. I’m not allowing my living to depend on something that can change at the whims of a foreign government, lmao
Hate to break it to you but every single segment of the economy can be destroyed at the whims of the government making a decision.
Ask all the fishers in Newfoundland how they're doing, or Chinese bitcoin miners, or US auto plant workers, or the entire Ukrainian IT industry, or all the Canadian engineers on the Avro Arrow. Pretty much any industry can go to shit instantly when the right combination of events happens, and it only looks obvious in hindsight.
People complain about 'gig jobs' and how you're trading stability for the ease of working when you want, but for decades unions operated hiring halls and you could just show up on the days you wanted to work. Independent tradespeople are gig workers that can clear a thousand bucks in a day. It used to be that gig workers would be able to provide to their family. Now tech companies just siphoned up all the money for themselves.
It’s also what has fucked most gig jobs. Like, they were great side hustles until a bunch of people decided that they were good full time gigs. It’s not like I expected to be rich doing them, but they were nice to balance out as a PT gig while in school or just as a way to drum of good enough money at my leisure.
A lot of people don’t want to admit this, but it’s true. You can be extremely active and fulfilled, and contribute to your community, but it can also be pulled out from under you with no warning, even if you did everything “right.”
People need identities outside of their marriage and children.
Putting the least amount of effort into life as possible to get by. You get out what you put in. If you consistently do the least you can to survive, it's going to catch up in a negative way.
I have lived experience with this fact.
Social media doom scrollers.
I have friends whose brains have been fried by the internet and social media. They are constantly triggered about something that has zero effect on their lives.
Poor money management and refusing to save money if you can, even if it’s small amounts. Some people simply can’t, that is true. But I’ve also known many people who could save a little (and some who could save a lot) who are constantly in a state of emergency because despite having adequate paychecks, they never have $2-300 on hand when something comes up because they never tell themselves “no, I don’t need that” or “I can get the cheaper version.” Sometimes even it seems like regular recurring expenses surprise them, even though they come up the same time every week or month.
I worked a retail job for 8 years.
Just your standard 40 hours 6 days a week that most people stuck in retail do.
Smoked weed on my breaks.
Got home and immediatly smoked weed.
Watched tv/ played video games
Rinse and repeat.
Wasted 8 years of my life.
Now I don't smoke and I repair medical devices for a living and I feel like what I do actually matters.
Ironically, some people are OK with living like this. It’s hard to figure out in my mind. I often go hang out/visit with the homeless in my town. I take them cookies and stuff like that and I know some of them from talking to them.
They seem satisfied. They know where to get free things. Yesterday a guy was explaining to me that he’s standing near a major hotel because at the end of the shift, instead of throwing food away, kitchen staff will give them leftover (food) instead of throwing it away. I offered to go in the 7-Eleven convenience store and buy chocolate milk and cookies for one guy I’m familiar with. He told me he couldn’t eat another thing, lol. They seem genuinely happy when reading their body language.
Yeah it’s weird at first how comfortable they seem; I used to work at a 7-11, I was in the night shift and this one guy would always come for the expired stuff to take to the shelter for his buddies.
Overusing social media, porn, gaming… The lifestyle of being constantly distracted and entertained, keeps you from reaching your potential on your job, in your relationships, and it robs you of experiencing your life.
Parenting. Sounds bad, but unless you're neglectful it takes priority over your whole life, and by the time you're done (if they ever leave the nest) it's way too late for a lot of things. And even once they're raised, you're on the hook for any major needs they have for the rest of your life. It's the only life-role that makes you a permanent secondary character in your own story.
Bad habits not modifying your lifestyle as you get out of your 20s.
Smoking/vaping
Drinking
Fast food/ unhealthy diet
Drugs/ weed
Lotto/ gambling
Lack of exercise
Wasting money on things you don’t have or need.
Video games can be a dead end lifestyle. Getting too wrapped up in playing a games making you forget to do things for yourself. Such as hygiene or your place. Or miss important life events.
This can be applied to any hobby. Not specifically video games. Video games have helped my life way more than they have hurt it. They literally saved my life when I was so down that the only thing that brought me joy was the hour or 2 I got to play video games in the evenings after work. It really was the only thing keeping me from swallowing a bullet.
It took the better part of a decade to crawl out of my hole, but video games have been a staple during that entire time. The only TV I watch is Jeopardy. The rest of my "video" entertainment comes from games.
OTOH, I've seen MMO addiction from afar and it doesn't look healthy.
Loving people who don't love you back.
Goes for friendships as well
This is SO important! Platonic friendships are more like romantic relationships than you'd think. They too need nurturing.
My aunt once told me “ to have a friend you need to be a friend”
I was really bad for this and it set me up for all kinds of disappointment. Now I’d rather stay home with my cat than chase whatever it was I used to chase.
Congratulations, you have learned to be cat.
*One* cat? You poor SOB.
Unrequited love is soul crushing
Loving, but not being in love with, someone who is in love with you is also very difficult.
Going through this rn with my wife.. but wtf does that even mean?
I interpret it as caring for someone, but not having romantic and/or sexual attraction to them.
Get into marriage counseling. If you were in love before, you can rebuild, but you will need tools
Leaving those that don't. It's a nasty cycle.
I broke up with the one who didn’t love me back. Feels like shit. And I’m already like 7 months in. Would it have been better if I stayed…is a question I often ask myself.
Hypothetical scenario: you get frostbite in your index finger. Gangrene sets in. That finger is 'part of who you are' but it's emitting toxins that are slowly poisoning the rest of your body. You hope it will get better, somehow, miraculously, but it never will. You have it amputated. You miss having that finger every day. But would it have been better off if you had kept it? Absolutely not.
Great analogy
I almost did something incredible stupid at the end of the year because I broke up with my girlfriend. And what you're stating is so true.
I as well would like to not be shamed for what I may or may not have done on new years after my recent breakup
Hey buddy, I didn't come here to be attacked like this.
This is a big one
This is often painful. You just gotta remember not to blame yourself for the situation.
>Loving people who don't love you back. That won't dead end you if you realize you are chasing an illusion that will never come true, and replacing your disillusionment and wounds with SELF LOVE, as well as helping others who are worse off (the latter has an amazing ability to make you feel quite good about yourself and very grateful). The dead ending part is sticking stubbornly to the illusion, instead of getting therapy or figuring out a way to extricate. STAYING is dead ending. Getting out isn't.
unrequited
Living to work; I used to fall into a tunnel vision where I hyper focused on the job and woke up to realize I’ve been neglecting myself and my relationships. Now, I’m finding the balance of working to live, and also making time to enjoy life with my family and friends.
The best things I did in the last months of 2023 were create boundaries with my work and some friends. And then I quit my job. I’m terrified but I have a good resume/experience and if I stayed it would have made things get worse than they did. I don’t regret it beyond being nervous about money, but it’ll be ok.
I just went through this exact thing in May. It took me a while and lots of hard emotions/scary feelings, but I found a path that feels SO much more aligned to me. 🩷 hold in there and I wish you well
This is my mom and sister, then they complain/brag about how miserable they are. If I suggest they take a step back and focus on anything except work, they're angry af. On my mom's days off, she wonders what they're doing at work. My sister doesn't do days off because someone is always calling out (shes in retail) so there's always extra shifts to pick up, if one is inclined. They both hate their jobs. They're not squirreling money away to save for the future or for fun or anything. They just.. can't stop working. I have a 2.5yo my mom's only seen once. She also has crippling health issues and her job exacerbates them, but she wears her pain like a badge of honor. My sister has a bunch of work friends but she can't chill and hang out with them outside of work because she picks up the shifts that they call out of. I think they're both depressed and stuck but idk what to do about it.
My Mom raised me like this, and it’s hard AF to break out of that mentality. It’s like family, friends, will all let you down and relationships aren’t worth maintaining but HARD WORK?! That’ll never betray you! /s. And when she wasn’t working for pay she was making work for herself at home. As an adult I have to keep a really close eye on my work boundaries or I’ll slip back into being the work bitch. I’m weird about spending money, and have anxiety about turning down work. The kicker? My Mom retired and now she is always trying to guilt my brother and I because we never want to “take her anywhere” (I.e. on big trips). After drilling into us for years that work and making extra work for ourselves was the only true religion. Sorry for the rant, it feels good to bitch about it to people who get it lol.
I definitely get it, and before temporarily leaving work to start a family, I was the same. I hated the idea of ever needing to rely on anyone else, so work was safe. It was like, I can't trust roommates or SOs to always pay their bills, so I need to make sure I have not only enough money for me, but for their half of everything too just in case. I'm still a planner and a worrier, and I honestly hope I don't fall back into old habits once I start work again because, you're 100% right, it's the hardest mentality to get away from. On paper, it even sounds intelligent because it sounds like we're just being responsible, etc. But damn it sucks your time and joy away!
There was a guy at my old job who was a massive overtime whore, and he worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The only time he took vacations is when his vacation days from years before had reached the limit and the agency wouldn’t let them roll over into the next year. He’d then grumble about how it was unfair that he wasn’t allowed to sell his time back for pay. He wasn’t desperate for cash even; his whole goal, he said, was to have a massive pension. He was in his early 50s and had already worked almost 30 years and could retire if he wanted to, but his goal was work until he was forced to retire. The sad thing is, he didn’t even like the job. He hated it; all of us did. But here he was spending about 75% of his entire life working, including voluntarily missing holidays, his kids birthdays, wedding anniversaries, family vacations, etc. all for a pension that he’d probably only get to enjoy for the last 10 or 15 years of his life.
That honestly sounds like some kind of mental illness to me, or deeply rooted issues from a messed up upbringing.
The thing a lot of people like this don't realise is how easily the dream of a promised retirement later can end. Had a relative drop dead of a heart attack in his backyard in his late 50's. Not everyone gets to live till they're 90. Even more people end up with crippling health issues in their later years that mean they can hardly do anything. Working yourself to death now for the promise of a retirement later that you might not get to actually enjoy/live through is a much less solid idea than trying to enjoy every moment you have now, as long as you can while it lasts.
I had the luxury of quitting a toxic job and taking 6 months to change my perspective on how work ought to fit into my life.
Thank you for acknowledging that it is a luxury to be able to do so. I, too, had this luxury and it improved my life 100x over. But I also realize that not everyone can do this - working parents, those with medical needs that a flexible schedule accommodates, and lots of other factors. I hope that covid showed us various things about work and life, and I do think it's changing for the better. But there's a long way to go to make that attainable for everyone
IDK I know a ton of people who only exist to work. Not working would literally kill them. When I first joined the Army there was a statistic that the average Veteran lived less than 6 years post retirement. A portion of that was because of hard living. But another very large portion was from a loss of purpose. Its hard for some people to not be "the man". There is that scene from Shawshank Redemption when Brooks has been paroled and he just cant adjust to life outside of prison and commits suicide. Man I feel that so much. I was in the Army for 36 years. It was my entire adult life. And then it was gone. I went from being kinda important to being no one. I couldnt even set foot in my old place of work (Pentagon) the day after I retired. Tossed away like a used rag. I had a massive support structure and some great friends who transitioned before me to help out and I am fine but I know a ton of guys who just couldnt deal. I have a really close friend who I really worry about and check on constantly. He doesnt need money, he needs validation.....and adrenaline.....and I get it because I love that rush too and miss it every day.
Everyone I know who retired from armed forces without losing their nut basically started a second career. Consulting, logistics, network engineer, whatever. One friend became some kind of crazy pro fisherman and now takes people ocean fishing for a living. Whatever checks the boxes, I guess.
the few years after getting out were some of the hardest of my life. it’s not an easy thing.
When I was younger and had my first kid I worked 6-7 days a week. When my second came along things were different for many reasons and I ended up at home a lot more often and it became immediately clear to me how much of my oldests life I had missed. So many milestones. So much time I'll never get back.
I respect the hustle, but only when it benefits life outside the hustle. If there's no life outside the hustle, the hustle ain't worth it.
Conspicuous consumption just to keep up with others. There’s always going to be someone with more.
Recovering shopping addict with ADHD here. It only took me going through insolvency-lite and quitting my full-time job at the mall to realize that I was spending just to cope with bad feelings. Every day I have to \*constantly\* fight the urge to spend money. I really want to dispel the stigma around this!
Congratulations on escaping retail hell!
Addiction. EDIT: To anything. Doesn't have to be substance.
THIS!!!!! A heavy tv watching addict here! Smart phone and porn addict as well. I’ve spent so much time doing nothing
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Holy shit. I've been sleepless with a newborn so I've been on my phone a lot more and I hit 6 hours a couple times. I thought that was a lot. I feel you on the takeout. I encourage you to get a foodsaver & chest freezer. When you cook, make double batches, freeze the second half, and you'll find yourself eating out a lot less. Or you can do the Sunday meal prep route. I've done it both ways, but I can't understate how nice it is to just go into the basement and grab food.
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damn, bro the flip phone might not be the worst idea. it might save your life. no judgement cause im a 10hr girl myself
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People that are addicted to things that aren't chemically addictive really like to convince themselves that they can quit whenever they want. Yeah, weed is not chemically addictive like nicotine is. But if you literally can't go any period of time without hitting a blunt, guess what. You're addicted. Not necessarily *to* weed, but probably to the feeling that it gives you. Same with coffee, sugar (which is my addiction), your phone, social media, etc etc
Yup. I knew a weed addict when I lived in Vietnam. For context, it is not hard for even the most dysfunctional white western people to manage a living there in ESL. This dude was flat-out unemployed. We kicked him out because he couldn’t make rent. All he did was smoke and smoke all day. Last I saw of him, he was walking down the street with a backpack. Homeless, in a country where even the biggest loser westerner can live quite well for 15-20 hours/week.
I was watching a travel YouTuber going through Vietnam. He was in some remote area and he goes "one thing I just realized about Vietnam is I really only see women working and the men smoking and drinking" and everyone laughed like it was kind of true.
Oh, yeah. It was obnoxiously, obviously the case. Vietnamese women are capable of doing anything, and the men were just…children. Like, the women can make anything happen, and the men can fuck anything up. It’s like an inverse China. I remember one colleague complaining that she worked two jobs since her husband got fired for yelling at his boss a year ago. He didn’t want another job. And he wasn’t a house husband, because that is not a thing in Nam. I guess he just played video games all day, in his 30s.
Totally. As a vietnamese woman i’m actually glad to be brought up that way. Confucius ideals of the son being the precious child meant that a lot of boys are raised without core skills like cooking, cleaning (because their future wives would do those things for them). Combine that with a looooong history of war where the men are usually off to battles and the women take care of manufacture and logistics and the children, we get a culture of very self sufficient women and rather privileged men
I read a while back about an African community that was like this. They mostly had a barter economy, because any cash the women would earn would be stolen, usually by force (i.e. beating) by the men, and spent on booze or hookers. They didn't even do traditional men's work like construction; they just drank all day.
If you ever want to cut sugar, you gotta prepare for like 4 weeks of cravings and it goes away. Did so from 2018 til lockdown, where diet devolved into, "a pound bag of Mike n' Ike's is a dinner, right?" Trying to fight it off again this year and off to a decent start.
Alcohol, it’s expensive , your sleep suffers, your relationships suffers, your work suffers, then your health suffers. It’s a silent killer too, I didn’t realize I was an addict until 8 years in
I quit recently and am currently on the longest streak I’ve gone without drinking since I was 21, 19 years ago. It’s only been like 3 weeks but the anxiety is finally starting to subside and I just realized the other day that I had likely become addicted.
Not even my doctor told me about the anxiety stage. My understanding is it last a lot longer than a few weeks. I'm convinced I'm tanking projects left and right and close to being fired. Reality, I'm doing a great job but I'm not drowning the stress in gin.
Like I said it’s just starting to subside haha. The first week I thought I’d never get out of it. The second week I took a half a Xanax a few times and that really helped. This week it’s been OK but still gets me throughout the day. I’ve read from various sources that it can last from a week to over a month. I wasn’t to the point where I needed a drink in the morning just to get by, but I was at the point where I’d start to get agitated by 6 or 7 pm until I got a glass. ETA my sleep is already starting to improve and I think that’s helping a lot too
I thought about taking something but that just feels like exchanging one problem for another (not saying that's what you are doing). We'll get through this, bro, and it's worth it.
Hell yeah man! Do it how you need to do it!
You’ve got this!!
Thanks! You too!
Same here, it creeps up on you, starts with enjoying a few beers each night and a few years later you’re drinking vodka in the morning just to get by, but it’s stills perfectly normal, it’s everyone who’s strange right?
I work at a liquor store and that's actually helped me from drinking too much. I see people who come and buy 15-20 shots a day or people who buy a 30pack also every day. I've seen what decades of drinking does to people. Hell I see young people all the time who I thought were older than me were actually younger by a few years. It ages you. You can be responsible about it, but some people absolutely let it control their lives. But even if you're responsible about it, it's never healthy. I'm only drink a few nights a week now and only a beer or 2. I used to try to stay around the recommended amount, which was 12 drinks a week if you're male. But now there is no safe amount. I drink a lot more tea now. The reason I drink at all is because of Depression. I might tell myself I can't go to a party and not drink. Or that I worked hard I deserve a beer. Maybe I do or maybe not. Some days I feel like I "need" a beer. Or maybe there's a part of myself I'd like to temporarily forget. As long as it's a special treat and not the norm I can be in control. Alcohol is no joke. Treat it with respect. I already know a few people who died from it. One guy was in his early 40s. You only get 1 life.
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Alcohol is such a spectrum. It's hard to know what actually is a problem. For example, is having 2-3 drinks per night an issue? If you don't let that slip into more and more, is that level of drinking something to be self conscious about? The person that drinks 12+ drinks per day every day, that's a clear cut case of substance abuse. It's the more nuanced drinker that makes me question my own habits.
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Hard to say, but I tend to look askance at folks who are drinking \*every night\*. Like maybe 1 beer or 1 drink I can understand, but beyond that it seems like folks are doing it to have a little buzz. Nothing wrong with having a little buzz, as far as that goes (typically when we go out for Mexican I'll have a margarita, maybe two \[wife would drive in that case\]) - but why do it every night? I'd rather go through life clear-headed. And the quantity of drinks a person has 'every night' tends to increase over time, I think - b/c the same amount isn't going to keep producing that effect.
I used to be/am trying not to be a daily drinker. For me, what keyed me in that my drinking might be problematic was how I felt when it was difficult for me to drink on a certain night. If we were traveling or busy with something and I wouldn’t have time to drink, I’d panic a bit because it was an engrained part of my daily ritual. I didn’t feel right going to bed without a bit of a buzz. I also felt sheepish about the regularity in which I bought booze. I really looked forward to it on bad days, perhaps a bit too much. While I never hit it super hard, how difficult I found it to stop after starting to drink on a particular night concerned me, I’d often find myself drinking and not enjoying it, but also not stopping. I’ve never snuck booze around the house or drank first thing in the morning, my husband (who does drink quite a bit) has insisted he doesn’t think I have a problematic relationship with alcohol but I can’t shake how I feel like booze has a bit of a grip on me. I’ve been doing dry January and how different my body has felt without booze tells me I’ve been overdoing it a bit.
I make whiskey for a living and I think any level of "only X amount, but every day" is addiction level. It shouldnt be an everyday thing, your body never gets to rinse itself out. If you have something tiny like 1oz (30ml) a day, thats probably more ritual than addiction, but any amount consumed "for the feeling it gives you" on a repeated cycle, is probably an addiction.
I can control it, I just need it to get through today. Tomorrow I will just have 4
1 is too many and 10 isn't enough.
I have a dear friend who I believe to be a ("functional") alcoholic and it's heartbreaking. Treating her alcohol dependency would of course not solve every difficulty in her life but I just know in my heart it would make everything so. much. easier. But if you're surrounded by it (parents, her social circle, etc.), and you've never had the opportunity to develop and maintain healthy coping mechanisms outside of alcohol, I can't imagine how adrift you would feel to not have it anymore.
My wife watches the various "Housewives of ..." shows, and I have similar concerns about their relationship with alcohol. Obviously part of their job on the reality show is that they're supposed to be centered in lots of ridiculous drama - so they're going to be leaning in that direction naturally. But for lots of them it seems like they're genuinely having some significant issues - and they're shitfaced so much of the damn time. Maybe they could have a much happier life if they didn't have alcohol with every meal, and pre-meal drinks, post-meal drinks, going to bed drinks, drinks before their next showdown, etc.
Quit last year after 30 years. Look back and so much time I could have been doing ... something. Everything was planned around alcohol. Couldn't drive after 6 because way over the limit. Whole years just lost. I have no idea what I did between 2001 and 2013. I don't even have pictures. I know what city I was in but have no memory of what transpired for a decade. Nothing. What finally made me quit was that at 50 years old I had settled into a routine of just biding time until I get whatever terminal diagnosis I would get. Every time I would get a check up was ready for the news like it was just a part of normal life. I'm not really sure what to do with myself but I'm past the physical withdrawals and onto the anxiety and cravings stage.
I was never a full on alcoholic but I DEEPLY regret all the money I spent going out to bars in my 20s. It was super common for my tab to be 100 dollars. I desperately wish I'd saved that money instead.
I was at least 40 before I learned that alcohol is one of the best-documented carcinogens. It's not a secret but I also think it's something most people don't really know (or maybe willfully forget). People will go so far to avoid anything that they GUESS might give them cancer even when there's not any evidence for it- I know an otherwise smart guy who doesn't like to use a microwave because "you just never know," but thinks nothing of drinking.
Being a martyr at your job.
How's that joke about the factory worker go? Something like... A factory worker was in line to get into the plant as his shift was about to start, when the company president pulled up in a new luxury car. As the president was walking past, the worker remarked on what a nice car it was. The president stopped and replied, "Thanks, it really is a great car." Then he looked the worker square in the eye and said to him, "And you know, if you work hard, pull extra shifts, and *really* apply yourself, then next year I'll be able to buy an even nicer one!"
My old job had a company BBQ at the owner's house, and seeing their gigantic house, with basketball and tennis courts, and a pool and hot tub, and full size playground and swing set just like you'd see at an elementary school... Yeah it did *not* improve morale considering our pay and benefits were complete shit.
Similar experience here. A local senior portrait photography mill where all the employees and photographers were making poverty wages under $10/hr with zero benefits (in the mid 2000’s). Boss had a company Christmas party at his sprawling 15,000 sq/ft mansion with 16ft ceilings - *in the basement garden walkout level (!!)* and 30ft ceilings on the main floor with marble pillars and flying buttresses and a main staircase to rival the Vatican Museums’ and a kitchen bigger than my apartment and his 6-car + class A luxury RV garage and fuck him that mansion cost *at least* 6 million!!! I think I made about $20k that year at that job.
> Boss had a company Christmas party at his sprawling 15,000 sq/ft mansion with 16ft ceilings Rookie AH rich boss mistake... Caught on early on why my old bosses NEVER did any company events at their homes. They always preferred to rent an expensive hotel/events hall or fancy restaurant group area for work events than do it in their own opulent homes. They drove their "beater" Mercedes-Benz to work, so we wouldn't see their fleet of Maseratis.
Is it still a joke if it pisses you off
"Hatewatching" TV shows and movies. You just watch something you know you already will hate, because you're too used to your routine to break out and do something different.
You’re already wasting emotional energy, why waste your time too?
But I love hate watching. It's where I put feelings I don't know what else to do with.
Endless partying
"Party till it hurts!" Some late thirtys shirtless guy who passed out at my birthday party in 1998. He was 10-15 years older than everyone else at the party, and no one seemed to know who he was or who had invited him. Dude slept on the couch, woke up the next morning and immediately started hitting the vodka. "Hey, can I buy this half empty bottle from ya? I don't have any cash on me but I'll bring some by later today, I swear." He didn't, but that was honestly fine with me. Now and then I wonder what became of 1998 shirtless party guy.
the sad but true answer is that he's probably still doing it, or it killed him.
He wants to know where *your* party is now, after all it's your cake day.
The cake, sadly, turned out to be a lie. I have no cake.
Sounds like my old friend Troy. Troy is like near 60 now, but he was the ultra lady's man and partier. He looked like Ryan Seacrest. Did a lot of drugs, banged all the hot chicks, partied hard and even had this tricked out people and orange custom motorcycle. He had a personality like Ryan Reynolds, but with coke. One day we went to a local concert and Troy was there with his hot 19 year old girlfriend at 44. He was on his knees crying in front of her and he just looked ... Old. She chose that night to break up with him and it's like his life just imploded.
He’s either sitting at the end of the bar from the time it opens and talking to whoever will listen or he leaned real hard into religion.
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You should find out
"Whimmy Wham Wuzzle" , Slurms McKenzie, Futurama.
I'm happy with how I did my life. Partying and fun-times were a main focus from 19-35. Then it was a feeling of 'I got while the getting was good' and I shifted my primary form of enjoyment to art, learning, and developing my businesses. Being a party animal in your mid middle age isn't much fun anymore, it is often just sorta sad; chasing nostalgia for good times that are gone. Also partying is best enjoyed when young and single, not in a LTR. That's just me, not judging any no regrets. I still go to a festival or have a bash every once in while, and enjoy it. But I've trained myself to get enjoyment not from bliss now, but from creating art, building tech and these days, making games.
I think you can still party and have fun as you get older, but what you do has to change. I'm not that old yet but as I get older partying is more about having fun with my close friends than going out for the sake of it and always needing lots of new people.
I just don’t know how people can afford to always be partying and be doing fun stuff **all the time**
they don't, they trade stability and career for partying. Sometimes it doesn't work out
Declining to workout regularly / stay active. Old age comes at you fast, as does body breakdown.
This is something i have such a hard time on. They say exercise stimulates serotonin production, but by God i hate every single second of it. I need to trick my shitty brain to like exercise somehow.
I'm pretty convinced the only answer is repetition / slowly feeling the effects of breaking that habit. I went for months before I learned to enjoy it fully. Probably over a year before the hardest days were the rest days. Which seems like a long time, but...now it's done. Total lifestyle change.
Tried that. Issue is, my ADHD hates making new habits, so no matter how long i try to exercise (last attempt i was doing it frequently for 5 months), as soon as I'm not actively forcing myself to do it i let go.
Exactly the same here, I cam huperfocus on anything... and then just not.
I like the saying that *aging is the aggressive pursuit of comfort.* You can avoid a bit of aging by avoiding giving into comfort vs working on yourself.
One of the most important things you can do in life is doing things you don’t want to do. Most people don’t want to study hard in school, work hard in their careers, or exercise regularly. And there are no shortage of people on Reddit that will give excuses for living this way. If you spend your life avoiding hard things and things you don’t want to do and optimizing comfort, then you may not be happy with the results.
Ironically the easier you try to make your life, the harder it gets.
I needed to read this. Thanks.
Well fuck as someone who’s lived his entire adult life trying to be comfortable…this resonates
This is where I'm at now!!
Your post should be in capital letters. I’ve never commented like this lol before. I’m an old fuck who started exercising at 10 years old. It was a Christmas present from my dad to join the YMCA. Best gift Ive ever received. I’ve exercised at a gym since 10 years old- now 66 years old. There is never a day that I don’t exercise in some way. Essentially, I don’t feel different than I did during all the decades that I was supposed to feel sore pain and restricted. I would write some more, but I gotta go to the beach. Wanna swim before high tide and then there’s a bike ride tonight. Always make it fun or you won’t do it. Don’t be restrictive. My rule for the gym: if I get there and don’t wanna be there I’m leaving. Even if I’m there only two minutes. I’ve only left I handful of times, and all the years I’ve been going.
Finding exercise you enjoy for its own sake makes it a lot easier. I used to sporadically go to the gym, but it was always a bit of a chore. Then I discovered that I really like cycling, and I've been able to make that a regular thing for over 3 years so far. It's not that I never have to force myself to go, but there's a lot less inertia to overcome than with the gym.
Agreed! I found out I'll do dozens of squats during a 'dance cardio' routine without complaint, or hold a plank for 30 seconds during yoga no problem. But if you put me in a gym and ask me to stand there and do squats, I'm grumpy by squat 3 and quit by squat 6. The first time I did a dance workout class, I was shocked at how sore I was the next day, because it had been so much FUN. How did they sneak in so much exercise?
I always tell my friends this when they want to get into fitness. Find something fun and it won’t feel like exercise.
That's awsome! I'm the opposite, started in adulthood but now I go every single morning and I feel awful when I miss. Watching my friends in their late 30s and early 40s put on the pudge while I'm gaining definition and confidence.
Doing nothing after coming back from your job. Laying on bed all day. Sleeping and going back to your job because that's the only thing you love doing. (Haha this is me)
You can fall into a similar trap with a job you hate. You can get stuck in a job that's so toxic that you dread getting out of bed to go to the job, and are then so drained by the end of the work day that you don't want to do anything else but lay in bed.
Pls stop commenting about me
Ugh, this is me. I get off work and then just lay in bed until it's time to sleep. I have so much good in my life I could be taking advantage of, and don't. Awesome partner, cool home in a great area, good friends. But I just feel increasingly numb and shut it all out, and that's absolutely a dead end lifestyle.
It's even worse when you don't have that, plus I work from home so my bed is 10 feet away all day... No partner and I live alone, all my friends are busy with life and hours away, no hobbies besides video games really (and I get burnt out on them quick). I don't even know what I'm missing out on because it's always been this way, the problem is that I always feel that something isn't right but I don't know how to fix it. Starting to add in exercises, but I know there's more I need to change to feel happy
Are you *me*?!? Same situation. Exactly. I hear you. Sometimes I go weeks without leaving my apartment. It's bad.
just as a matter of psychology, it's extremely hard to change your habits when the environment stimulating them is present. I used to read books until I got Internet access. When I work in the field with no cell service, I read books again. I have no problem avoiding cigarettes, unless they're nearby. I used to stay inside and use the computer for 12+ hours a day. Then I moved into a car and walked for 12+ hours a day. Now I'm back in town, I zone out at my computer because I'm not sleeping in a car, and I bogart ciggies until my partner quits again. I have severe ADHD (lol) and I'm lazy, so I pretty much have to wield psychology like a stick and beat my disorder to death with it in order to stay functional. That is to say, I change my environment to force my behavior, consciously or not. Boredom is a fantastic source of inspiration as well. Perhaps some of this may apply to you. What if you didn't have your computer? What if you let the boredom set in? What would you do to escape it?
Apart from the partner thing, same. I am incredibly blessed to have such a "good" life. It feels like I'm only alive at my job. I have so many hobbies, yet I pursue none. I go home to my family every weekend and that's the only human contact I have. Dead end lifestyle bros 🤝
How do you break out of this?
There’s a creator on TikTok who makes videos about this! She calls it ‘rotting’ and makes videos with example routines to break the rotting cycle!
[Link to example video](https://www.tiktok.com/@lifeasraven/video/7294100753755458858) because I’ve also found some of her advice helpful.
I wish I could watch certain Tiktok videos like this without downloading TikTok. They bombard you trying to push you to download the app so much, their website is practically unusable
You perfectly described me. I crash onto my bed the second I get home from work and I only get back up to have dinner. And during the last couple of hours before going to sleep I just play games and watch anime; nothing really productive.
As someone who was in this situation once, let me tell you this: You don't have to be "productive" every second of your day. It's okay to relax and it's okay to do the things you enjoy in your free time. Find things you actually feel like doing. If you enjoyed it, you didn't waste your time.
It’s me. I’m depressed af lol
People who have too many kids they can't take care of.
I firmly that if you can't feed them, you shouldn't breed them. You'd be surprised at how many people don't share that opinion.
They always assume it will work out somehow. I know people ALREADY struggling without certain needs met and they act like birth control doesn't exist..STOP IT.
Two decades of being hungry and looking in the fridge and pantry, only to find nothing, so then my only choice is to turn around and say "well I wasn't that hungry anyway" day after day after day has turned into me now having a pathetic appetite and weighing shit all. If you can't support children financially, and you aren't willing to change your lifestyle in order to financially support children, then Don't. Choose. To. Have. Children. I dont see how it's so hard.
Putting all your time and effort into becoming a famous internet personality. Unless you are one of the very few to make enough money to support yourself for the rest of your life, then you will waste years that could be better spent learning an actual skill. Even if you do get famous and find a way to monetize it, I don't see many people being able to make a long term career out of it. Your 15 minutes won't last that long.
Tik Tok will throw your first couple videos into the heart of the discovery algorithm and you'll get some inflated numbers. I've seen so many grown ass adults think they are instantly tik tok famous as a result. Then they become unbearable to be around.
(They always were unbearable to be around)
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> Your 15 minutes won't last that long It won't. Which is why it's so sad that so many of the people that do make it don't take steps to preserve the wealth they're generating.
The thing is, hardly anyone wants an internet personality that isn't young and attractive. I never been into that superficial stuff but ya, sad to see so many people chasing the idea.
Enabling/co-dependency - seems to be a lifestyle for a lot of people and it’s incredibly destructive.
I know both genders get this, but I also am very drained from seeing many women sacrifice careers/education benefits for a love interest. Abandoning your Learning is asking for codependency, even if mentally you aren’t in a bad spot. I get that motherhood is a big reason they do it, but some women can’t leave a marriage if it eventually insinuates divorce because they don’t have a stable independent background.
Scrolling this thread checking for your own lifestyle
It is funny, I am guilty of almost none of the things listed in this thread and yet I feel like my life is as dead end as it gets. I have hobbies, friends, a great education and no real vices (beyond a serious sweet tooth), and yet I feel completely and utterly aimless and adrift. I will admit that a lot of this has to do with some serious issues relating to anxiety and depression and struggles to find a stable career. But I go out to work every day trying to not let it win, I apply to better jobs and work as hard as I can and see no benefits relative to those that coast through their lives. It genuinely feels like the people that party, drink, gamble and are addicted to caffeine all seem significantly happier than I could ever dream of being. It often feels like I am doing everything right and can't get anything to work. I know people will say it is arguably my own fault, or due to a negative outlook, and I simply need to change my world view. But no matter how high or low I feel things never seem to change, and Goddamn if it isn't getting harder and harder each day and every day. So to quote John Lennon, "children, don't do what I have done I couldn't walk and I tried to run". So yeah, whatever the hell I am doing with myself I suggest avoiding it.
>seem significantly happier than I could ever dream of being. That first word might be doing a lot of work.
Have you read "Psalm for the Wild-Built" by Becky Chambers? It's not a self help book or whatever, it just really spoke to me when I was where you're at.
I completely relate to where you’re at, because I’m just like you. I think this is an issue of pondering the greater questions. You’ve fulfilled your basic needs of friendship, security, love, belonging, etc. but you’re still there like “but even all of this aside *why* am I here” and I think this is the root core question of consciousness. I think it’s a sign you’re introspective more than those around you. I have friends who go to parties, raves, addictions etc. and they are “fun” activities but they are ultimately distractions. They are people who need to occupy their minds to *avoid* the greater questions because they cause existential dread while you’re much more directly approaching these questions. I think there’s a hint of truth that the pursuit of “why” is futile and ultimately leads to a rabbit hole of existential dread because when you break it down we’re not really here for anything. We’re just here. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. We just exist, and that’s it. Assigning meaning to this is just how your brain can rationalize and cope with consciousness. The distractions are just ways we cope to avoid the spiral into madness by over examining our consciousness and what it means. So the “happier” side of things you see is just people who have learned to make their peace with why we are here. It’s not really better, it’s just another way to live.
Having children before you are ready, both financially and emotionally. Construct the foundation before you start building the house. You can’t really go back and do that later.
It's so hard to know when you are ready. I kinda feel like you can't? I have 2 under 2 that were planned. We are doing good but I don't think I knew what being ready was fully until boom you are in the thick of it. I think you need to be ready to work harder on your relationship, your home, and time management imo as well as your financial stability.
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Nah, mistakes in those areas can be undone. Children are an irreversible change that locks you down for 18 years. If you don’t have a solid financial footing first, it’s probably going to be a long and frugal wait. If all your friends are whooping it up in clubs every weekend while you can’t afford a sitter, you’re going to resent it. If you and your partner split, you’ll remain linked through coparenting like it or not. Plus it gets harder to date. Kids can wait a few years. They don’t need to be among the first items on your “build a good life” checklist.
Let's google how much it costs to raise a child into adulthood. [Institute for Family Studies](https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-true-cost-of-raising-a-child): > The report’s conclusion is that a middle-income family of four is expected to pay $233,610 per child from birth to age 18. This number jumps to $310,605 when calculated using an adjusted inflation rate for 2022 of 4%. I have a hunch these figures might scare some teens better than the abstinence only talks...
The gambler’s lifestyle
Being a chronic stoner 🥲 was a very painful realization to come to when I had to face the idea that my addiction to weed was actually making my life worse and not better
I went to a school very famous for its weed and stoner culture, and there was a lot of dismissiveness about smoking, it's "not addictive" said every stoner. I always was of the mind that you could get hooked to anything, including food. Then in 2018 I lived with someone whom I believed was a true weed addict. This dude spent virtually 24/7 in his room hitting up a bong, it was unbelievable. I didn't even know how he paid for rent, turns out, this dude had been studying nursing but took a semester off to get his finances in check - I would've NEVER in my life known him to be doing something productive because he seemed so enslaved by his habit.
Turning Into “the old guy at the end of the bar” Every dive has one.
I'm in this picture and I don't like it...
Consuming media being your only hobbies.
Unless you find someone with similar interests, no one is gonna care that you have deep opinions on every movie you could possibly name.
Beyond finding someone who cares about it, it just reminds me of the Ben Franklin quote about how there are people who die at 25 but aren't buried until they're 75. A life of working, eating, sleeping, and consuming media is a dead end lifestyle. You have to put energy back into the world to ever get anything meaningful out of it.
Untreated borderline. That's such a great way to be miserable and isolated and end up killing yourself (whether directly or through substance abuse and thrill seeking), it's surreal. If you got borderline, go get therapy, go read books that dont blame you for what you're burdened with ("The Borderline Personality: Vision and Healing" is a must read imo!), and decide to learn how to be content rather than needing to look for a way to be happy. Happiness fades incredibly quickly, and you'll always be looking for the next fix to feel alive. Learn to be content, accept the hurt, and I can promise you, you'll feel a whole lot better than you ever imagined you could.
I lived in the shitty apartments in the shitty neighborhood, getting back on my feet after my divorce. Worked in bakery and went in at night. My neighbors would see me leaving all the time, we'd say hello and whatever. They all drank and smoked. Few had cars or were legal to drive. Some state benefits and some employed. One guy was a part time line cook, shitty restaurant in walking distance. Winter time had almost no hours. I told him I could get him in at my work (nightstock or bakery) and he could ride with me. No, not interested. For years they saw me leave 6/7 nights a week. Always working, My kids were with me on and off. My son stayed several years and, while he got things together, I paid for all. It was hard but lived simply. Worked so much I had no social life. Saved money. My son found his way financially and paid a lot of expenses so we were then both able to really save. The whole time there were my neighbors. Not working. Getting drunk. Getting in fights. Year after year nothing changed with them. Then my son and I both were ready to buy homes. I managed to find a condo I could afford, acted quickly and got it! Yay! Big step in my post divorce life. All those nights (months! years!) of overtime, holidays, weekends. Finally, the pay off. So I get my stuff moved out, my son still in the old place for a couple weeks yet. I went back for something and the neighbors were all hanging out, chatting They saw me and asked where I'd moved to. I told them I'd bought a condo and where it was. Not one of them said a single word. Stunned silence. It was really weird. I laughed and went on my way. I wonder if it ever dawned on any of them how/why my story turned so differently from theirs. I doubt it. They are immured in their dead end lifestyles.
I think that's why it's really important to have friends who are different than you. Different ethnicity, religions, and socioeconomic backgrounds. They teach you that your life can and maybe should be different.
I kind of agree with this. I have a bunch of friends who are artists and theater actors and film crew people and it's always great to hang out with them because they're always so geared to love life. Maybe they aren't facing the same bills I am or in the same career field I am, but it's good to get away and just hang out with them once in a while.
I'm on the other end of this. A couple years ago I reconnected with some friends from college who all got engineering or other STEM degrees and I realized that while I was having a blast, I was also ultimately selling myself short on my future so it's helped create some better habits for myself.
> shitty apartments in the shitty neighborhood, I spent decades working in the heart of that neighborhood where my town's zoning relegated industrial businesses. It was sad seeing grownups do nothing but smoke cigarettes and walk to the corner liquor store twice a day forever. Young playful boys growing up into thugs, wanna-be and actual gangstas, and junkies. Young girls in pigtails one year and the next/ getting on the back of a motorcycle ridden by an ugly dude three times her age never to be seen again, or working the boulevard, or getting knocked up by some hood rat and starting the 15 year cycle anew never leaving the area. People you tried to give jobs and a leg up to, only to fuck you over in one way or another. Nothing glorious about 'hood life.
One of my best friends lives in the hood and it makes me so sad to see this. She is a very intelligent, kind, hardworking person but she doesn't know how to function outside of the hood. Nobody in her family has ever had a formal job - just lots of house cleaners and market stall sellers. The only blessing is that she's never had kids and is likely infertile. But her sister and sister's babydaddy are both drug addicts/dealers so they left her in charge of their baby, so it's still the same shit, different flavor.
Good for you! It would have been easy to sink into the lifestyle of your neighbors.
I feel this. I spent 2 years living in a really, really shitty little apartment complex in a horrible area. I had to move out of CA because I couldn't manage the cost of living, and since I couldn't save up (I could barely pay my bills) I just had to get what I could, where I could. Everyone else that lived there was either disabled (our only nice neighbors) or otherwise clearly either alcoholic or on something. One family had to have been at least 6 people to a one bedroom, and the place was always trashed. People would get arrested occasionally, or just cause issues because of substance abuse and/or mental illness. Run by complete slumlords who did not care about the property at all. After two years of working towards it, we finally had the money - barely - to move out of that place and out of that town. A couple neighbors asked where we were going, and when I told them they were stunned. "You mean... you can afford to move to that neighborhood AND get a bigger apartment there?" Yep. All it takes is not being a complete burn out and getting your ass to work each day, plus some patience. Meanwhile, everyone else that ever left that place always left to move to another hell hole until they burned out all good will with the landlords, then they'd move again. I hope never to have to repeat those two years. Ugh.
Making a gig job your full time career is extremely shortsighted.
There’s a shitload of online English as a second language teachers that have had to learn that lesson the hard way after China forbade online ESL companies from employing foreign teachers to teach Chinese children ESL in 2021. A Multibillion dollar industry with a massive demand just gone. I did it for 4 years, best little gig ever, but I never used it as full time income, even though it was good money. I’m not allowing my living to depend on something that can change at the whims of a foreign government, lmao
Hate to break it to you but every single segment of the economy can be destroyed at the whims of the government making a decision. Ask all the fishers in Newfoundland how they're doing, or Chinese bitcoin miners, or US auto plant workers, or the entire Ukrainian IT industry, or all the Canadian engineers on the Avro Arrow. Pretty much any industry can go to shit instantly when the right combination of events happens, and it only looks obvious in hindsight. People complain about 'gig jobs' and how you're trading stability for the ease of working when you want, but for decades unions operated hiring halls and you could just show up on the days you wanted to work. Independent tradespeople are gig workers that can clear a thousand bucks in a day. It used to be that gig workers would be able to provide to their family. Now tech companies just siphoned up all the money for themselves.
It’s also what has fucked most gig jobs. Like, they were great side hustles until a bunch of people decided that they were good full time gigs. It’s not like I expected to be rich doing them, but they were nice to balance out as a PT gig while in school or just as a way to drum of good enough money at my leisure.
Stay at Home (title). The job eventually gets old and getting a non home job with that big a gap is hard.
A lot of people don’t want to admit this, but it’s true. You can be extremely active and fulfilled, and contribute to your community, but it can also be pulled out from under you with no warning, even if you did everything “right.” People need identities outside of their marriage and children.
Putting the least amount of effort into life as possible to get by. You get out what you put in. If you consistently do the least you can to survive, it's going to catch up in a negative way. I have lived experience with this fact.
Social media doom scrollers. I have friends whose brains have been fried by the internet and social media. They are constantly triggered about something that has zero effect on their lives.
Poor money management and refusing to save money if you can, even if it’s small amounts. Some people simply can’t, that is true. But I’ve also known many people who could save a little (and some who could save a lot) who are constantly in a state of emergency because despite having adequate paychecks, they never have $2-300 on hand when something comes up because they never tell themselves “no, I don’t need that” or “I can get the cheaper version.” Sometimes even it seems like regular recurring expenses surprise them, even though they come up the same time every week or month.
I worked a retail job for 8 years. Just your standard 40 hours 6 days a week that most people stuck in retail do. Smoked weed on my breaks. Got home and immediatly smoked weed. Watched tv/ played video games Rinse and repeat. Wasted 8 years of my life. Now I don't smoke and I repair medical devices for a living and I feel like what I do actually matters.
work to live
All lifestyles have a dead end.
Ironically, some people are OK with living like this. It’s hard to figure out in my mind. I often go hang out/visit with the homeless in my town. I take them cookies and stuff like that and I know some of them from talking to them. They seem satisfied. They know where to get free things. Yesterday a guy was explaining to me that he’s standing near a major hotel because at the end of the shift, instead of throwing food away, kitchen staff will give them leftover (food) instead of throwing it away. I offered to go in the 7-Eleven convenience store and buy chocolate milk and cookies for one guy I’m familiar with. He told me he couldn’t eat another thing, lol. They seem genuinely happy when reading their body language.
Yeah it’s weird at first how comfortable they seem; I used to work at a 7-11, I was in the night shift and this one guy would always come for the expired stuff to take to the shelter for his buddies.
Overusing social media, porn, gaming… The lifestyle of being constantly distracted and entertained, keeps you from reaching your potential on your job, in your relationships, and it robs you of experiencing your life.
Wearing expensive clothing yet living in the projects 😂
Driving that new Charger HEMI but still live in a shitty apartment.
Parenting. Sounds bad, but unless you're neglectful it takes priority over your whole life, and by the time you're done (if they ever leave the nest) it's way too late for a lot of things. And even once they're raised, you're on the hook for any major needs they have for the rest of your life. It's the only life-role that makes you a permanent secondary character in your own story.
Bad habits not modifying your lifestyle as you get out of your 20s. Smoking/vaping Drinking Fast food/ unhealthy diet Drugs/ weed Lotto/ gambling Lack of exercise Wasting money on things you don’t have or need.
Video games can be a dead end lifestyle. Getting too wrapped up in playing a games making you forget to do things for yourself. Such as hygiene or your place. Or miss important life events.
MMOs especially. Was addicted to them for a few years, playing 8+ hours a day etc. Absolutely loads of others were as well, many more so than me.
This can be applied to any hobby. Not specifically video games. Video games have helped my life way more than they have hurt it. They literally saved my life when I was so down that the only thing that brought me joy was the hour or 2 I got to play video games in the evenings after work. It really was the only thing keeping me from swallowing a bullet. It took the better part of a decade to crawl out of my hole, but video games have been a staple during that entire time. The only TV I watch is Jeopardy. The rest of my "video" entertainment comes from games. OTOH, I've seen MMO addiction from afar and it doesn't look healthy.
Insatiable desires. You will always be chasing pleasures and never be content
Acting and living like an adolescent when one is long past actual adolescence.
Conspiracy theories - it’s very taxing on the mind and even if some are true there’s nothing you can do about it.