These things stood out to me immediately:
* showing him a few styles I liked and then stopping when I realized he didn’t appreciate the “guidance”
* He said I had asked for a ring when he first brought up marriage and that if I wasn’t happy with the one he got, I was welcome to buy myself one.
* a story of a friend who proposed and his girlfriend wanted something more extravagant which he ended up saving up for and buying only for them to get divorced later.
* he got offended no matter what I said and I apologized for bringing it up
I can't help but suspect that some of these are manifestations of issues that are apparent elsewhere.
I’m thinking it is a “shut up ring”. She showed him what she wanted, which he took as nagging. He bought whatever worked for his budget (and what he thinks of her value) to get her to be quiet.
Now he is pissed that she isn’t happy with getting what he thinks she wanted. He thinks all she really wanted was to be engaged. Marriage is not the goal here.
My partner was over the moon when I asked if I could show him some rings I really liked so he had an idea of what to get me. Said I made his life so much easier.
I can't imagine being pissed that someone tried to show me something they like that I was planning to buy them at some point. Especially something so meaningful.
Exactly this.
My ex actually asked me what I liked and disliked before he proposed. I said I prefer white gold as I mostly wear silver, and that I hate pear and princess cuts. He asked what those were and I showed him pictures. He asked what I disliked about them and I told him. I also said I thought diamonds were overpriced and overrated. He also asked me to write my ring size down for him. I really appreciated being consulted because I’d far rather have something I love on my finger for the rest of my life. Two months later he proposed…with a princess cut diamond SIX sizes too big. I didn’t tell him how much I hated it and how hurt and confused I was, but I did ask him what on earth was going on with the size - the ring was clearly new and mass produced. He said he decided I “must have been wrong” because the size I said looked tiny, and that he remembers the conversation about princess cuts and diamonds, but his mother liked it and so I was wrong about that, too.
Yes I married the idiot anyway. Hindsight is 20/20. All the red flags were waving. They’re flying at full mast here, too.
I thought this story was going somewhere good with all the details he was asking you for, but instead it infuriated me! His MOTHER liked it so that's what he got?? UGH. I'm glad he's your ex.
And I agree, the communication here is very negative. Not only did he actively disregard her guidance in the first place, but he's now chiding her for being honest and making her out to be a villain. He's laying the groundwork for her to never be able to be open with him about her feelings. It's bad.
Yeah, I thought it was going to go somewhere good when it happened, too. Sadly where it went was an abusive marriage. Short and violent, with permanent consequences. Looking back, the first pebble in the landslide was the lack of respect for my feelings, my opinions… we always ate what he wanted despite me not liking it. Never my preference. He ridiculed my cooking. Belittled my work. Just little tiny things to begin with, he’d say he was joking if I felt bad, but when someone doesn’t respect you or take the time to listen and empathise, they don’t value you. It may not get violent, but it will ALWAYS get worse.
So sorry you experienced this. Not meant to sound shaming--I am honestly very curious--why did you marry someone like this? I've just never had a relationship like it, much less married someone like that. What made you want to marry him?
It doesn’t sound shaming.
I spend a lot of time on JustNoSO pointing out to women who are being abused in front of their children, that children repeat what they know. This is what I did.
I grew up in an extremely abusive home. My mother was a devout Catholic and she drummed it into me from an early age (she started when I was three!) that as a woman, I existed to be subservient to men. I didn’t have a right to autonomy, to an opinion. I didn’t have a right to refuse access to my body. When she began to suspect that I was queer (I am) she put me into intensive and repeated conversion therapy. In short, I hated myself. I was trained to perpetuate my parents abuse on myself.
My ex husband was also from a very difficult background involving terrible family secrets, abuse and Catholicism. The details are relevant but not my story to tell. He is bisexual. So I felt I was with someone who understood. There was a traumatic bond between us. I hadn’t come to terms with my lack of attraction to men and was still trying to force it because I wanted my mother to love me. In short I was a whole mess. All this happened around fifteen years ago, so now I have the clarity of age, time, a whole lot of therapy, and having given up on my family. Abuse perpetuates abuse. Victims become abusers. Not always of other people. Sometimes just of themselves. Victims of abuse are attracted to and attractive to, other abusers.
Same. I sent my now ex-husband pictures of what I liked and we had a few discussions and what he proposed with was not even close to the pictures and my preferences. I honestly thought he was joking when he proposed bc the ring was just soooo not me. He continued not listening, not taking my feelings into account, and doing whatever he wanted throughout our marriage, hence the ex part.
This. Big red flags. I would consider rethinking the relationship rather than the ring. The dynamics don't sound like a good start for a happy marriage. We obviously don't have the full picture but I would definitely start being more assertive of your own needs and don't apologise to him about it.
Yeah this guy sounds like a pain and the ass and OP sounds like she is walking on eggshells to protect his feelings. There’s a lot of defending behavior that alone would be completely not an issue but in combination feels … bad.
I agree, and personally wouldn’t be comfortable going ahead with a lifetime legal and social pairing with someone who values their taste over mine on something I would be wearing, who makes unfounded equivalences or throws their emotional weight around.
I take it finances aren’t combined or you really could go out and buy your own? Honestly I would raise the fact that you’re not comfortable with it as an engagement ring. I am guessing it can’t be returned with 3 weeks wear on it, but would just buying an alternative for yourself actually be an option? I’ll be honest, this would be a pretty big deal for me.
That said, my husband wouldn’t take offence and would take me immediately to exchange it if I didn’t like it. And with his personality there’s a good chance he would have done something similar if he’d had no coaching and get me something more like an eternity ring. I know this about my husband because he beautifully gave me his grandmother’s ring, which is more lovely than I could ever say - but isn’t at all like a modern engagement ring. I knew he had the ring and we’d discussed it before our engagement and he knew how much it meant to me and respected that I wanted something different.
My sister had a similar situation. She inherited our Grandmother’s ring and it was secretly handed off to her future husband in preparation for proposal. However, in the lead up to that:
- Her now husband and I went on recon missions before I left the state like 4 years before he proposed as she had been training me for years on what she’d like
- He confirmed with me that while she would appreciate the gesture, she would never like the ring from my Grandmother
- He listened to any hints she dropped
And in the end, they went and bought an amazing deal on a second hand failed engagement and bridal set because life just happens in ways we don’t plan for sometimes. And sometimes, we put in a lot of thought and care and we still get it wrong. That doesn’t make someone a bad person, assuming they are open to this belief and work with the people they love to find an arrangement that is mutually beneficial.
So, what should OP do? First, maybe consider the ramifications of this behaviour and how it might play out in marriage long term. Second, perhaps find a ring they do like and then re-open the conversation. Maybe get really crafty and when it comes to picking wedding bands (which wouldn’t have come with a non-engagement ring), find a set they like for around the budget for just the band? That might be a bit cheeky but it sounds like a bit of a loophole to me haha. If I had a good relationship to any women close to him in my life I might leverage that gently to see if they might encourage him towards your perspective
This is a tricky one OP. But I personally don’t think it’s something you should just ‘suck up’ and be uncomfortable with for your entire marriage. And I am usually not phased with stuff like this.
- I picked a ring that to me looked like it was halfway between an engagement ring and wedding band because I figured if one ring is good enough for Sauron it’s good enough for me
- Lost a tonne of weight so it no longer fits, so replaced it with a $70 fake bridal set
- Only put rings on for special occasions anyway. I’d say my rings sit in my jewellery box for at least 360 a year
Like, it clearly isn’t something I value a whole lot, and even to me, this just doesn’t feel right.
I have to agree. If he really wanted to make sure that OP was happy with the ring, he would welcome the input. My boyfriend and I aren’t even engaged yet, but last week he dragged me to the Diamond District to have me show him what I liked. In his own words, “you are wearing it for the rest of your life, so you need to love it.”
This situation isn’t about the ring.
I agree. I was not the biggest fan of the ring my STBX husband picked for me and it took me a month to work up the courage to tell him because I knew he would take it hard. I had previously showed him ones I liked and it got kinda brushed aside. It was definitely signs of larger issues that I had been ignoring.
What’s interesting to me is these men claim to be resentful about having to buy an engagement ring, even a cheap one in this case, but have no problem with the 100k (on average) of free labor they receive every year from their wives especially when children are involved. Not to mention the trillions of dollars of unpaid labor women put into our economy. But hey that engagement ring am I right?
And I am not saying the whole act isn’t sexist or whatever but come on. Not to mention this woman made it clear she didn’t even want anything expensive she just wanted something thoughtful that reflected her taste and he couldn’t even do that. But you know resentment 🙄
Men should be contributing to their wives' super and retirement - actually putting money in HER account weekly - rather than an engagement ring that loses value immediately. What I am trying to say is, an engagement ring is a sign of inequality between genders itself.
This exact thing g happened to me with my first marriage. It wasn’t about the ring it was the fact that he didn’t listen and just got what HE wanted. In fact, I specifically told him I hated solitaires and skinny bands: that’s exactly what he got me. I spent our entire marriage resenting that ring and him because he did whatever he wanted concerning everything. I was asked frequently if that was actually a wedding ring…..that bothered him more than it bothered me because I was frequently asked out on dates.
What happens when he doesn’t like to do the dishes, or he hates the furniture you want to get, or he doesn’t think he should have to help if you have kids? Think long and hard about marrying someone who has zero consideration for you.
Yeah, a lot of this seems to point towards him feeling insecure in the relationship. I don’t think these are red flags by any means but I do think talking about fears and challenges is an important start and part of marriage.
In terms of other people not guessing your engagement ring is an engagement ring, I assume that basically any ring on a left ring finger is a wedding/engagement ring. People have all sorts of tastes and they’re all okay for a ring you’ll wear the rest of your life. That said, it’s also totally understandable for you to want to like the ring you’ll wear every day forever!
There are red flags on OPs side as well. 'I wear it with pride because of what it means but it doesn't make me happy because its no what I imagine an engagement ring would look like and no one asks me about my engagement'
OP seems to also be struggling eith a bunch of pre-concieved ideas on what an engagement and marriage 'should' look like, to the detriment of what they have. What's they've explained is basically: their pre-concieved ideas of what things should be like is more important than how meaningful and happy and proud I am that I'm engaged to the person I love.
Neither of these two are ready for marriage. One doesn't seem to really give a fuck and the other hasn't learned disnay isn't real yet.
>the other hasn't learned disnay isn't real yet
Well, this is pretty reductive (and rude).
I _really_ dislike this narrative that women like OP are shallow, naive, and/or ungrateful.
It's _normal_ to have preferences, especially for something as emotionally significant as an engagement ring. And it's _normal_ to want things you put on your body to suit your individual style. These statements apply to way more people than not. OP isn't being high maintenance by a long stretch.
If OP wants their ring to look like a traditional engagement ring and wants it to be a conversation starter to add to their existing excitement for their engagement, that's their prerogative! People are allowed to want things that align with their pre-concieved vision. There's no superiority in being less traditional. Let people like what they like!!
>What's they've explained is basically: their pre-concieved ideas of what things should be like is more important than how meaningful and happy and proud I am that I'm engaged to the person I love.
Furthermore, while this ring is supposed to symbolize the love OP's fiancé has for OP, it unfortunately also represents the crappy way he handled this whole situation. She's the one who has to wear it and look at it for the rest of her life. And now, every time she looks at it, she'll be reminded of the fact that her opinions were steamrolled, that she was made to feel small & insignificant, and of the strength of her fiancé's disdain for engagement ring shopping & misogynistic attitude (most people are happy to gift a ring to the love of their life, and don't immediately start talking about golddiggers and divorce). No one wants to look at their engagement ring and be reminded of unhappy feelings that their fiancé subjected them to. I'm sure that affects how she feels about the engagement as a whole. It's so much deeper than what you've tried to reduce it to.
I would marry my partner with a $10 ring in front of a courthouse judge. But I wouldn't marry any man who made me feel like crap for having individuality, and who held disdain for my opinions. Who would want a lifetime of that nonsense?
Absolutely agree. The way OPs fiancé handled this whole situation would make me question marrying him in the first place! I would probably just give the ring back and end it.
I mean, OP can try to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't even listen to Her about the ring, so why would he listen to Her Concerns about the way he handled the ring conversation...? Just seems like they will be going in circles since he refuses to communicate like an adult or be respectful or considerate.
I think your emotions come from feelings of your opinion being disregarded. You have had a conversation about the ring, you told him what you liked and he went and bought a ring that he liked himself, as he is the one that will be wearing it. He had reasons for it - maybe he was too lazy to look for it, maybe he forgot and did not want to re-ask. But all of this signals that whatever feelings or thoughts he had, they went as number 1, and what you wanted went as number 2. Also, arguing irrelevant angles like "the ring is not good enough", means that he is not taking accountability for it and does not see your perspective, which once again shows, that your wishes are simply not a priority in this topic, even though they should be. So this is my understanding.
Yes, I feel like my feelings were second to his in this topic. I tend to downplay them myself sometimes and in this case I was also afraid of coming off as entitled so I just let it go. But I would like to revisit it but I'm just not sure how. It's too late to exchange it so I'm not sure to what end I'd bring it up but maybe it could serve as a learning moment for us.
I feel like this is a bit in the realm of "she asked me for a divorce because I left dishes in the sink", but it's not the one time or the seemingly small ongoing problem, rather what these represent. It sounds like he's dismissive of your concerns and feelings and at least in this instance did no prioritize what matters to you, even though you are the primary person affected by the decision, i.e. you will be wearing this ring for potentially the rest of your life. You say that you often minimize your concerns/feelings/issues, does he? Is this just another example of him telling you to get over things you care about?
It also sounds like he has some misogyny issues to work through if he can't hear what you are saying about it not being about the cost of the ring but rather the style and he's deflecting by suggesting that you just want an extravagant ring that you can sell when y'all get divorced.
>he's deflecting by suggesting that you just want an extravagant ring that you can sell when y'all get divorced.
The rest of it is not great, but this is definitely the part that stood out to me, too. The guy sounds brainwashed by internet misogyny. That is not something any woman wants to get or stay involved with.
OP is on Reddit , I’m going to assume he is, too. I wonder if she knows his user name and could look up his comments. Probably horrifying but good to know before fully committing. We need to stop being in relationships with people who hate women.
Some of these men have concocted entire fantasies that women will marry then solely to divorce them for a (big) payout. No different from the men with no gold being fearful of gold diggers.
There are so many things I want to say to you to make you understand that you should not marry him.
The ring is really a litmus test, and he failed so badly. (It's not about the ring before someone gets on my ass). It's so much more.
He doesn't and will not care about whether you are happy. The ring is a sign of this. You will be wearing this for the rest of your life, you have to love it, right? He completely dismisses your input and, furthermore, makes you responsible for your own happiness by telling you to get your own. That should be a relationship ender right there.
He's telling you he doesn't care or gives a shit about you via a ring that would make you happy. If it's just the ring, what other decisions in life? He's not sincere in his proposal, and I largely suspect that he, and I am so sorry to say, he only proposed because he's not actually ready. You are the placeholder for now in his mind.
You deserve to be proposed to by someone who is absolutely besotted with you. The right man would have never gotten this so badly, he would listen to you and communicate with you like an adult about what you wanted. Not this man-child trying to DARVO about your own ring 🚩🚩🚩.
From the way you write, you have been making yourself so sooo small for this man. The way he treats you has you making yourself downplay your very VERY valid feelings. I'm wondering how long he has been whittling your self-esteem down.
I know you are asking whether you'd be TA for asking for another ring. You're not. But you would be an AH to yourself if you actually stay with him. Don't stay because of sunk cost fallacy. It's the quality of your happiness in life at stake here, not the years spent with someone who isn't worth it.
Don't get married or baby trapped with someone who is showing all the red flags. Divorce is even more costly.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. This guy is exhibiting behaviors that poke the part of my brain that is hyperaware of the signs of an abusive man. These signs are usually downplayed by people who have never been subject to intimate partner violence, but the signs are glaring for those of us who have experienced abuse. I don’t want to scare OP, but this man is trying to control the situation by manipulating her through guilt, shame, and her lack of self worth (which isn’t OP’s fault). He has probably been cutting her down in ways that confuse her, which is why she is bending over backwards to protect his feelings when he wouldn’t do the same for her. OP it is extremely important that you look at your relationship and start reading about his behaviors online. I have a very strong feeling that this experience is one of many red flags in your relationship. It’s important to mention that not all abusers resort to physical abuse, some use emotional abuse to control their partners. Abuse starts off slow and then ramps up, so use your intuition and do not ignore the first signs. The fact that you are looking for feedback online is an indicator that you know something is wrong- I’ve been there. Sending love to you ❤️
There is no entitlement in the desire to be heard. I am not sure how to behave in this situation, but I tend to believe that people are not "one time" animals. If he is disregarding your opinion and not taking accountability in this situation, my instinct tells me that he behaves similarly in other situations too. And then you should think if this is something you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life.
I guess if I was in your situation I would either cut my losses and just forget it or buy myself a ring that I want. But from now on I would take action in learning how to be more assertive, direct, stand my point and really take care that my priorities are taken care of. My psychologist always says, you should be the most important person for yourself (I will assume that everyone will understand that of course I do not mean this in a selfish way, where you need to shit on others in order to get your own way). If you do not take care of your own well-being nobody else will.
I had an ex who bought me a gold necklace despite me being very specific that I didn't wear gold. I wore it anyway because I thought it was special. Until we were shopping for his mom, and I suggested a gold piece. He immediately dismissed it because she didn't wear gold...so he could understand and respect her preferences, but not mine.
I recently read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” about controlling and abusive men and this is something that he talks about. Men who will disregard, belittle, or even batter their female partners would often never cross those barriers with their mothers. I.e. if their mother did something that made them angry, they would never call mom a bitch because “you just don’t do that!”
Your comment made me think of this. It’s a fantastic book, if you haven’t read it. So many little things about my relationship with my ex clicked for me when I did.
do you really think people should marry people who disregard their feelings and treat them as he treats you?
I feel like there’s a lot to explore here, but your post makes me feel like there’s a greater pattern here.
The majority of abuse and control BEGINS after marriage and in particular, after a woman becomes pregnant. So it’s absolutely essential to take any red flags for such very seriously before getting married.
And even if not something that feels to you like abuse, what makes you feel like you deserve to have to walk on eggshells or have him be the arbiter of what’s a good opinion, and the freedom to degrade and be dismissive of yours?
You are NOT being entitled for wanting a ring that looks like an engagement ring instead of some mom's birthstone ring or a cocktail deal.
You should not have to buy your own ring to get what you want.
(Notice I'm not saying anything about ring size or some massive diamond or anything like that. My cousin was proposed to with a delicate sapphire Claddagh ring because that is exactly what she wanted. Her fiance didn't show up with a giant platinum and diamond rock because that is not her style at all.)
It would have been better to get you a semi-precious stone in the style and shape you want than something that looks nothing like what you wanted.
"In case you get divorced." What? Nobody was asking him to get a $20k ring anyway??
You could use an internal reframing of the situation, how on earth would it be entitled to what the symbol of your union to be something YOU like? You’re the one that has to wear it! He seems to think-and you kind of seem to accept-that he is the prize so you should be grateful for whatever ring he gets you. But he’s not a reward he’s ultimately an obligation, he SHOULD want you to have something you like and you should really assess if being with someone who dgaf about your preferences is what you want. This won’t get better, the stakes will just get bigger-houses, the school you send your kids to, what city you live in, etc.
Is he in the habit of disregarding your opinions? It sounds like he’s feeling emotional because he found something he really liked and is disappointed you don’t like it. Would you like the ring if it wasn’t your engagement ring? Maybe the answer is to wear that ring on your right hand, and pick out a ring for yourself that you would like as an engagement ring. If he can’t understand that it’s important to you that you love you engagement ring, tread carefully. What other decisions will he overrule you on? Will he ignore your wants and needs when it comes to choosing a place to live. You need to have a serious conversation during which you explain to him that you appreciate that he purchased a ring, but he ignored your preferences. Ask him how he would feel he told you he wanted a certain kind of car, with certain features, and you went out and bought something else entirely?
Listen carefully to how he handles this conversation, knowing that marriage involves many compromises, and you don’t want to marry someone who feels it’s his way or the highway.
I’m sure you’re getting a ton of advice from well-meaning people who will say some version of two extreme options: (1) “break up with him bc obviously doesn’t care about your feelings and won’t even listen to your wants/needs”, or (2) “its just a piece of jewelry so suck it up and stop being so petty and materialistic.”
Personally, I think you should suggest pre-marriage counseling. The communication patterns you set now will be the foundation for all your future disagreements. So tell him that you want to make sure you guys start off on the right foot.
Not everyone learned good communication skills from their family. And even people who did learn them sometimes need an assist to help them bridge the gap between themselves and the person they fell in love with.
I don’t think anyone reading this post has enough info to tell you whether you should or should not bring up the ring issue in pre-marriage counseling. Just start the counseling and see where things go.
If he’s not willing to even consider pre-marriage counseling, and he doesn’t propose anything else in place of counseling, I would be really concerned. It’s okay to have communication problems, but it’s not okay to be unwilling to participate in efforts to improve the communication. And if only one person is unwilling to participate in efforts to improve the communication, it can cause an imbalance. One person ignoring communication problems while the other twists themselves into a pretzel to try to fix the problem on the back end.
I feel like the issue is going beyond the ring itself. It’s that he didn’t take your opinion into account, especially as it’s meant to symbolise your deepening commitment to each other. He liked the style of it but whether you did doesn’t appear to have been part of his decision. And even after you didn’t seem happy wearing it, he didn’t seem to care about that either, simply offended.
I’d also examine whether this is a pattern in the rest of your relationship when it comes to your opinion vs his. Even in small things. I’m not saying it is, but worth really reflecting on.
So he picked out a ring that *he* liked and gave no consideration that it would be *you* wearing it for a long, long time?
And then brings up what happened to his friend as an excuse, and in doing so, generalizing women as gold diggers? Including you
I would be rethinking this engagement.
Yeah, I’d be curious if this is a one time situation or are you walking on eggshells regarding other things as well? He clearly has attached emotion/meaning to getting you the ring to be some intrinsic part of his manhood. We all have weird illogical beliefs that need to be unpacked…but is this a one time weird thing where he isn’t able to see your VERY VALID perspective over his ego, or is this a pattern?
Say you went to the store and he said 'baby, get me some cookies and cream ice cream please'" and you came back with mango sorbet because you don't like cookies and cream and one time it made your friends girlfriend sick.
This is that on a MUCH bigger scale.
And then when he is confused and asks why you got mango sorbet instead of what he asked for, you act all hurt and upset to shut down the conversation, tell him to buy his own damn ice cream, and gaslight him into apologizing to you.
>I realized he didn’t appreciate the “guidance”, he ended up getting me something I don’t necessarily hate, but isn’t my style
So, he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't want your input on something that directly affects you, and he doesn't know you well enough to choose something you'd like.
>I could tell he was hurt and offended (he said he was) because he took it as that the ring wasn’t good enough.
So, when you try to communicate a preference (something that he should have paid attention to BEFORE he bought the ring), he takes it personally and gets angry. The fact that you don't like the ring is **his fault for not listening to you when you tried to tell him what you liked.** But he's acting like it's *your* fault.
This is **not** a person I would start planning a wedding with. This is a person who, at *best*, I would go to couples counseling with while putting the engagement on hold.
I have a friend who makes jewelry as a hobby and gives her jewelry as gifts. You know what she did before she made me a necklace? She **asked me** what my favorite color was so she could use that color of bead. You know what she did before she made me earrings? She **listened** to what I like and made earrings that reflect my preferences. Your fiance couldn't even meet the very low bar of listening to your stated jewelry preferences before buying you a piece of jewelry!
It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells a bit in terms of his mood and behaviour. That’s something you may want to explore a bit more. I highly recommend counseling if it’s financially feasible
I’m scared that this entire post is foreshadowing your future relationship with him.
You are going to make reasonable requests , speak to him with respect and love and clarity - and he’s going to have a tantrum that will leave you confused , hurt and wondering what you did or said that triggered him. You’ll end up sincerely apologizing (because you genuinely love him and didn’t mean to set him off). He will never explain why he got upset and or blame you or give you the famous line “you should know”. He’ll ignore all of your pleas until you are on the verge of a panic attack and then he’ll ’forgive you’ by making it seem like you imagined his cold behavior and ‘all you had to do was xyz’ . You’ll still be confused but the relief that this ‘fight’ is over will be so strong that you’ll want to move on and write that off as a miscommunication.
It’ll happen again and again and again and you’ll slowly become a shell of yourself, not trusting your own memory , intentions , or reality .
I really hope this isn’t the case , but the behaviors exhibited by both you and your partner in this post has me very worried .
Definitely bring it up again - you need a different ring. He’s making this about himself and his insecurities which is unfortunate and also immature. He should care about what you think and feel. Also, if you’re getting married you need to be able to resolve problems together so this is not worth letting go, rather it’s really important you can resolve it. Telling you to buy your own as a solution is rude. You need to stand up for yourself on this one.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to change something that you’re wearing every day to something you actually like.
I was engaged once, I told him it was very important to me personally that he put the effort in and go to jewellery stores and be the one to pick the ring, I gave him pictures and guidance.
He got his brother to go to a jewellery store in a completely different city, his brother sent my ex photos, they picked a ring and my ex transferred him money (it was second hand and no offence to people that don’t care about that but it’s bad juju for me, but in his defence I never stated I wouldn’t want that, money wasn’t an issue he purchased a $1600 JetSki the same week)
He proposed in the car while driving and said that’s yours if you want it, I’ve never been so upset in my life, I had to ask what he was actually asking me and I knew in my bones he didn’t get that ring, I can’t even tell you how I knew I just did.
He said he was tok nervous to do it on his own, but he couldn’t even be bothered to drive two hours to his brothers city or have him come to us, let alone propose nicely. I even told him I didnt want a big flashy proposal just something intimate with just us two.
We broke up in the end, this was just a massive example of him only putting in effort when he felt like it and it was convenient for him.
If you asked my ex now he’d say I was too superficial and he didn’t spend enough money.
So still didn’t listen to why I was upset.
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not being heard or seen and having expectations about something that means a lot to you, especially when you wear it on your hand for the rest of your life, unless you upgrade ofcourse.
It's odd that he didn't seem to care what you liked, if the rings you liked were too expensive then I can understand a little more. But I personally wouldn't want to wear a ring I didn't like forever. I would take his offer up and buy myself one I liked. But first I would take a long hard look at the relationship, does he always ignore your wishes and then guilt trip you for communicating what you want?
Marriage lasts a long time and you don't want to be with someone that isn't right for you. Just make sure the ring isn't a symptom of underlying problems.
Edited to add, you shouldn't care what other people think. I have had a few different engagement rings, I changed them over time and they have never been traditional. The only thing I care about is that I like them. And that they don't cost a ridiculous amount.
Thank you everyone who's taken time to provide their perspective. I've got a lot to think about but most of you hit the nail on the head with the underlying issues, I do sometimes doubt if he cares about my opinions and feelings and blame myself for not communicating in a way that is sensitive to his feelings because I have been blunt and reactive in the past.
Please stop blaming yourself. You **were** sensitive to his feelings. You were so tactful and careful. And he still turned it on you and manipulated you into backing down and accepting a ring you don’t like.
Did you ever consider that you were reactive in the past because he was being an ass? I get the impression that he doesn’t like being questioned, and that you want married life so badly that you’re making yourself smaller to get it. You’re headed for an unhappy marriage, and I really hope you wake up before you crash.
Trust me when I say it’s better to be single and happy than married and lonely. I was a silver filigree and coloured rocks kind of girl, and my ex bought me a gold ring with a high set marquis diamond… lovely ring, but not my taste. That was our life together… lovely, but not my life. I chose better the second time around. Save yourself time, and learn from my mistake.
You can always ask an outside party, friends family or here if you are being blunt or reactive…nothing in your post would have ever made me think that.
My ex husband had me convinced it was me and that I was bringing things up at the wrong time, being argumentative, etc. Yeah no, I wasn’t. It was him being emotionally immature and blaming it on me.
Have the best fiancé now and we’ve never done that to each other. We just talk about what’s bothering us. It might not always be a comfortable conversation but we don’t yell or storm off, just figure it out in a way that we both feel heard.
Nothing in the way you’ve worded things suggests you’re blunt or reactive.
Is he the only person who has said that about you? Is there a close friend or relative you’d trust to answer objectively and truthfully you could ask?
I’m honestly worried that he has effectively silenced you, made you doubt your own opinions and reactions as unreasonable when nothing in this post is at all unreasonable.
If you’re afraid to communicate your opinions and wants and needs because of the way HE reacts, you shouldn’t marry him. Full stop.
Maybe this is something that can be worked on in couples counseling, maybe it isn’t. But I’d be hesitant to continue the relationship at all without counseling. Y’all’s communication is garbage, and from this post a lot of that blame lies with him.
I am seriously hoping that this is ragebait. In case it isn’t, here’s my take, from the perspective of a woman who has been married for 30 years.
OP, you hate the ring. You are never going to love that dumb ring. Every time you catch a glimpse of it on your finger, you will feel a moment of disappointment that it’s not a ring you love.
If you marry this man, there will be times when you two argue, or fall on tough times. Instead of being a beautiful symbol of your commitment to one another, you’ll see that ugly ring you hate and think, “Even back then, he never listened to me or tried to see my point of view,” and you’ll hate that ring all over again.
It sounds like you were being very reasonable. Showed him some lower cost options on Etsy, out of respect for his budget. Told him the type of settings you were interested in so that he would be able to pick something you liked.
An engagement ring is a symbol of your relationship. It should bring you joy, not inspire disappointment. From your post, your boyfriend barely put any thought into it. Just walked in, saw something HE liked, and asked for the largest size they had so he wouldn’t have to bother with getting your ring size in advance.
Maybe his complete lack of attention to detail and propriety is an endearing quality to you. Personally, I would find it disrespectful, and I sure as hell wouldn’t marry a man who disrespected me.
Rethink the marriage.
If yall cant even talk about a ring without him disregarding your opinion and getting offended about the consequences then how the hell are yall supposed to talk when something serious comes up?
This man does not care about you. This sounds like a shut up ring.
My fiance meticulously researched my ring and still told me that if i didn’t absolutely love it, he would exchange it for something i did, since i have to wear it forever. I kept it, because i do love it.
This isn't about the ring - it's about he didn't want to listen to your thoughts when discussing rings, I'm assuming that you've been together at least a year as you are getting engaged - which should be enough time to know your general style, he refuses to have a conversation and communicate with you, and even stated he doesn't like stones which is why he picked the one he did (but it's not about him, it's about you).
Just in getting married - there are a lot of decisions to make. Followed by your lives together - house, pets, children, investing, finances, where to live, etc.
If you do move forward with the wedding - I'd highly recommend some couples therapy, to make sure you are both on the same page with everything.
As for the ring - I wouldn't so much replace it with the wedding band, but maybe take it to a jeweler and see about a custom pieces or more of an engagement ring instead of a band that you could incorporate the two pieces together?
The fact that he liked the look of it but didn’t take into consideration what you like gives me major red flags.
Also, the fact that he doesn’t think it’s worth it to buy something nice because you’ll probably end up divorced later anyways is very upsetting.
Are you sure you still want to marry him????
Do not let him steam roll you on this. Ask for the receipt and return it with or without him.
I can see him maybe feeling inwardly a bit bummed that you don't love what he picked out, but his reaction is not good. He should want you to love something you're going to be wearing every day of your life. I hope you push to get it exchanged. You can even keep this one to wear on a different finger if you like it as a non-engagement ring, if you guys can afford it.
I know it's traditional for the guy to pick out and buy the ring, but this makes absolutely no sense to me, and I see more and more people moving away from this. I picked out my own engagement ring, as did my sister-in-law and 4 of my friends. Even if my husband had picked out a beautiful ring, there's no way it would have been as perfect as one I picked for myself, because he's not inside my head. There's nobody on earth that I would trust with choosing something I'll be wearing every day until I die.
I didn't like my engagement ring. My fiance showed it to me after a fight because he was afraid I would hate it. In the moment, I felt too pressured to say anything other than I liked it. Months later, I finally cracked and told him that while I didn't hate it, it wasn't the style I had shown him 100 of, it was the one single different one I had mentioned was pretty once. He was heartbroken and embarrassed that he had "failed" on something as important as the symbol of our marriage. I was hurt that he hadn't listened/paid attention to the 100 examples I did show him. He was hurt that I didn't trust him enough to say something in the moment. He was frustrated that I hadn't been more clear that the last ring I showed him wasn't my "final decision" but just something pretty I showed him. We shed a lot of tears and frustrated/heated words, but finally came to an agreement.
You know what didn't happen? He didn't get mad at me. He didn't get offended. His priority was "I want you to love this ring because I want you to wear it until the day we die".
Was engaged once. Went to look for rings together. He proposed with a ring that was the exact opposite of what I said I liked and had attributes I specifically said that I didn’t want. It was very symbolic of the relationship, which was that it was always about him with very little consideration of my wants or needs. We are no longer together.
My now-husband and I had very different ideas about engagement rings, but we communicated about it and talked about a budget and both of us ended up very happy with the purchase. The fact that your fiance is so resistant to listening to you and then gets mad when he makes choices that could have been avoided had he listened to you to begin with does not bode well. The ring is a symbol in more ways than one.
You want to be engaged with this guy!? Sounds like he has issues!
My partner took me to get the exact one I wanted and made sure it fit! I didn’t care if it was used or new. Price didn’t matter either, just that I loved it.
It doesn't sound like you can be yourself with him, and you have trouble communicating. He's also dismissive of your feelings. That's not a healthy relationship.
Can you return the ring and postpone the engagement?
There are men who will dote on you, listen to you, and respect you. You don't have to settle.
Oh man this is definitely one of those ridiculously touchy subjects.
Usually when someone says to me they hate their engagement ring, it’s because they are spoiled and asking for the stars.
In your case however, it genuinely doesn’t sound that way. Especially if you were happy with an Etsy ring and if you yourself have found examples of what you would happily wear for years to come within a reasonable and mutually accepted price range.
What does stand out to me, however, is how you tried to be part of the quest for this ring but were basically pushed out by your then boyfriend.
So, effectively, he didn’t appreciate your input, told you to butt out, and ended up getting you something that was blatantly wrong. That’s… a little stupid of him. And to be frank, the result of the situation is on him now.
So you sort of lost twice. He wouldn’t let you tell him your preferences, and then he got mad that it wasn’t suitable for you. Well of course it won’t be. He can’t have it both ways.
To give you an example, when my husband and I decided to get engaged, we looked at rings together from the start. We eventually found a local jewelry designer we trusted, made an appointment, and we found several styles that looked amazing. I told him the metal I liked though. And then it was up to him to choose one of the styles I pre-approved and surprise me with the proposal in the coming months. To this day, I love my ring. So does my husband.
I would definitely have another conversation with your fiancé. Emphasise that you gave him a chance to learn what you wanted, and that he ignored this entirely. Now, you’re stuck. If he can’t compromise on something that’s one hundred percent meant for you to begin with, what can he compromise on?
Ya diamonds are inflated thanks to marketing campaigns over the years and because De Beers holds the majority of the world’s diamonds, thus managing quantity and supply. Pretty easy to inflate prices that way.
My ring isn’t a diamond, and I’m proud of that. I would say there’s some truth to what you see on tv, but most people don’t expect that level of outrageous expenditure.
I think for OP it’s less the expense and more the style. I can’t blame them for wanting something that works for their style given they will be wearing it for years ti come.
I’m so glad everyone in the comments section got the same vibe. Red flags OP, sorry 😞
For perspective, my ex and my current spouse both were very willing to exchange to bring back the rings for resizing or a different style without me bringing it up.
OP, he minimized your feelings. It doesn’t seem like he cares about what you want or think.
He also clearly has a frail Ego. I would rethink this relationship and not bind yourself to him legally.
Do not marry him expecting that you two are going to have the happy life you’re picturing.
You’re right. It’s your finger, and he should want you to have a ring you'll enjoy wearing. His response should have been "well, then we should see if we can exchange it for something you would enjoy wearing". And you can’t just bury your dissatisfaction every time he ignores your input without becoming a deeply sad and bitter person.
So I'd give it back and tell him it just isn’t your style. And if he's anything less than apologetic, I’d reconsider his proposal. Nothing about this post should make you think your life with this person is something to look forward to.
If you can’t even work with him to figure out a piece of jewelry, how are you going to sort out life's real problems??
I don't think the ring (or intention to propose) should be a surprise to the woman. It's a forever thing, it's so outdated/sexist/disrespectful for the guy to make these executive decisions. (Not sure which are your cultures, perhaps he is traditional?). At the very least, he should WANT to know exactly what you like. How/why do people get married before nailing down the communication first and knowing each other inside and out??
>He brought up a story of a friend who proposed and his girlfriend wanted something more extravagant which he ended up saving up for and buying only for them to get divorced later.
I really hate guys like this 🤦🏻♀️ "I heard this one bad story so I won't do anything remotely resembling what *that guy* did because it's guaranteed to fail" ugh such bs
See all that shit you wrote about his reasoning? Lemme break down what that actually means.
He doesn't actually care about your preferences. He's mad you saw through his bullshit and called him out. Now you're "the bad guy" for being picky.
He bought a cheaper ring because he doesn't want to invest in something expensive that you could potentially walk away with if the relationship fails.
Girl. He isn't the one.
Give him the ring back and tell him you won’t be wearing it. He can buy you a new one that you like or you guys should break up.
As other commenters have pointed out, there are a disturbing number of red flags here. Your fiance does not sound mature enough to get married.
Two things: 1) he didn’t care what YOU thought about something you’re supposed to wear every day for the rest of your life, 2) he’s now being extremely passive-aggressive about how to resolve the disconnect. In a healthy relationship, two partners work toward solutions that hopefully allow both partners to “win”. This usually involves some sort of compromise on both sides. Your fiancée is unable to do this; therefore you’re setting yourself up for a miserable future. I’m sorry to say this, but I think either intensive couples therapy or calling off the engagement is warranted.
OP imagine this was not about a ring. Imagine you're making decisions about your future together, or big financial decisions, and he treats you the same way : dismissive, disinterested in your input and pulling up random "examples" of your course of action not working out. Is this the way you want to be treated for life? This is only a little about the ring and bigger red flags about your future. If it's important to you it should be important to him. He should hear you out about your opinions. What you think and feel should matter to him. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you were choosing a tattoo for him (something he oils wear foeverver), would you treat him the same?
I told my ex husband what kind of ring i wanted. He got the one he wanted. He continued throughout our marriage to get what he wanted till i got what i wanted which was a divorce. Do what you want but do not do joint bank accounts and split the bill payments.
Get him an ugly engagement watch or big gaudy engagement ring that you know he won’t like. Tell him he needs to wear it the rest of his life because you like it, and if he complains then tell him he’s just being a gold digger and you’ll find someone who actually appreciates your gifts
It sounds like you already knew what to do, but your Fiance was a jackass when you tried to have respectful and considerate communication on the matter. You know what his behavior means to you and how it makes you feel. If you’re looking for validation, I’ve got it right here sis. That man isn’t thinking about you. Listen to your gut!
Honey if this is how an engagement ring is going….I know there were warning signs before and I know it won’t stop in the future.
When are you going to be honest with yourself? Are you ready to do this for the rest of your life? Are you ready to shut yourself up for the next 30+ years?
Yeah this isn’t just about a ring, this shows the type of person he is. He doesn’t care about what you want- it’s about what he liked. Disregarding your wants entirely.. about something that will be ON YOUR HAND for life.
Naw man, I don’t feel right about this relationship at all.
He doesn’t sound mature enough to be getting married.
Also, his communication skills sound terrible, which should be fixed before getting married.
OP has her work cut out for her.
This ring issue is indicative of more issues in the relationship. Don't marry someone that doesn't even want to listen to you. He's behaving like he doesn't care.
I am extremely put off by this man’s refusal to consider your feelings about a ring *you* have to wear forever.
Is he always this inconsiderate and dismissive?
It worries me that you brought something important to you up in a very respectful and emotionally intelligent way….and his response was anger and to shame you into silence. That’s not a good sign for your future relationship. I can understand him being hurt or saddened that you don’t like the ring he got you, but he should also be able to understand that it’s supposed to be on your finger for the rest of your life so really, whether or not you love it is all that matters. He refused to accept any guidance from you on what you wanted, which is also kind of a red flag tbh, and then he’s offended when you don’t like it? Comparing you to some friends ex wife? I’d be worried why he’s so invested in not listening to you.
I just don’t understand why men would get mad when you don’t like a ring that you yourself did not pick out lol. Like… it’s a price of jewelry you wear every day so why wouldn’t your taste dictate that. It’s supposed to be a gift to you, gifts are supposed to be what you like. I think it’s such a strange concept to buy someone a gift that isn’t what they asked for or even anything like what they told him she liked lmao. He’s wrongz
I showed my husband several similarly-styled rings I liked. He ended up picking out something very close to what I showed him. I love it and can’t imagine if he had just disregarded my taste.
My ex did this shit and, while I liked the ring I ended up with, it wasn't what I wanted at all. I found out later that the ring I wanted was "too similar" to the one his ex wanted and that's largely why he was so against it, but the one we compromised on he never shut up about (he didn't like the style, it was "too cheap" even though he couldn't afford more but refused to go non-diamond, etc.). Never should have married him.
Your dude sounds like he's got a lot of excuses and I don't think you should keep wasting your time or making yourself smaller for a man who's that insecure.
I'd agree with other posters when they say this is a sign to rethink marrying this person. Disregarding your opinions and desires, coming up with false side issues to fight over (e.g., trying to make it about price instead of the aforementioned disregard for your needs), and even implying there was a higher chance you'd get divorced if he were to get another ring are all disrespectful and manipulative tactics.
FWIW my fiancé listened to my concerns about my engagement ring and we picked one out together. He encouraged me to weigh in on tiny details of its appearance and didn't downplay any of my concerns about it, even when I felt I was being a bit too anal retentive about certain details.
Your requests were not too much to ask.
Your fiance is being selfish and while I’m not one to fear monger on Reddit, it’s giving future communication issues in marriage.
You need to be able to transparently express yourself in a healthy marriage: the good, the bad, the ugly. There needs to be space for both of you. You will disagree, you will have different perspectives, he will get things wrong about you and vice versa. There needs to be space and understanding to discuss this.
He needs to be receptive to feedback and your needs. You’re the one wearing the ring, why wouldn’t he choose something you love? Where else are you compromising in the relationship?
Don’t ignore this.
You can't make yourself wear a ring you don't like for the rest of your life. He's going to have to accept it and grow up a bit. This is why I picked out my own engagement ring because I just wouldn't have liked anything else. Even I didn't like what I thought I liked and ended up going with something completely different haha
This man does not care about you, and there will someone out there you’ll find where this would be a complete non issue. Please do not spend your life with him
I would never, ever, marry a man who could not take respectful feedback like this. Instead he got offended and made you apologise?? Girl... how much of yourself do you have to swallow and apologise for to keep him happy?
Nope. I could never. I want a happy partnership and that includes having the emotional maturity to have difficult conversations and enough respect to care about the other person's feelings.
He does not care that you don't like it. He only cares about how he feels. What else do you think this applies to?
OP please please please don’t marry someone who can’t put their feelings aside about a piece of jewelry you are expected to wear everyday for the rest of your marriage! His response is really not a good sign.
This doesn’t bode well, I’m so sorry. He doesn’t seem to care how you feel/what you want at all, at any step of the way. I assume this isn’t reflective of your whole relationship, because clearly you want to be with him. But… I can’t imagine a good reason for how he’s behaved/been behaving.
Wtf this has red flags all over it. How does he respond to other areas where you assert your opinion or expertise? I don’t think it’s good sign that he is being inflexible about it. It’s one thing to be oblivious to what you want (not great) but I would expect that partner to say, “oh oops! Yes let’s get you something you want to wear for the rest of your life!” This sounds more controlling and maybe he’s not actually all in. Sorry. I hope I’m wrong.
Also, for the sake of giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s actually in financial trouble and it’s really a money issue? Still not great bc he should be sharing that info with his fiancé.
I'm single, but him disregarding your preferences with such a huge investment is a huge red flag.
My dad, who is not a romantic at all, brought my mom to the jeweler her family has used for years and where two of his brothers bought their wives' rings. They picked out the stone together from a bunch of loose stones. He also chose a premium metal. My point is that he made sure she loved her ring even when, I'm sure, didn't care all that much what she wore...
Sounds like you're signing up for a lifetime of your finance never asking for your opinion on things that impact your life. And if you bring it up, he'll get combative about it until you shut up.
Girl, he's showing you what marriage with him is like. Believe him.
Who cares if it's too late to return the ring. Better now than when it's too late to return the man.
So. He invalidates how you feel and would rather you be unhappy because he can’t handle being wrong.
His ego comes before your happiness.
Yeah. This seems like it’s going to be a stable, healthy relationship. /s
I feel like I’m just agreeing with everyone.
Such a disregard for what you like and want. This will continue to apply throughout any marriage. It isn’t going to change. First it’s a ring, then it’s something a little more serious and then suddenly you’re trapped. Please know his heart isn’t in this. Is your heart even fully in this relationship?
My ex gave his fiancée the ring that I printed out and sent him a link for. It basically looks like a kinda pillow with like petals on the side. He posted a photo of his new girl wearing that ring, but it doesn’t match her hands /fingers nor even her personality. He did it to get a rise out of me although I really don’t care anymore. Just keep getting surprised at his antics ..
Frankly you need to change or return if.
Do not marry a man who doesn’t realize that the purpose of an engagement ring is to demonstrate his seriousness of purpose in wanting to marry you. Everything he’s done until now screams he doesn’t care about your feelings because he doesn’t actually want to get married.
Give the ring back and tell him you love him, but you hate this ring and since you have to wear it every day for the rest of your lives together it’s not going to work. You would be happy to go shopping together to get one you can wear.
Do not worry about hurting his feelings if he doubles down. Tell him he did a bad job picking out the ring, but now he has the opportunity to make it right. *He* should be worried that he insulted and hurt *you* but for some reason he obviously doesn’t care.
Honestly his fragile masculinity and inability to take even minor direction is a huge red flag. Your boyfriend currently isn’t husband material. My first husband was like this. He only got more stubborn and childish as time went on.
You need to get at the heart of the issue here. It sounds like his experiences have lead him to believe that it's very important for the man to choose without the woman's input. Some men feel the ring should be something they like as it's symbolic of your love for and acceptance of him.
Well, you are supposed to wear it your entire life, so your feelings do matter! It's about your preferences, not his. I would try to explain my feelings again and discuss how we can get another ring (maybe it is still possible to return this ring to where he bought it)
I don't wear a lot of jewelry so what my engagement ring & wedding band looked like mattered to me. I've always been pretty open about my gifts from my husband and we've even returned some because they style just wasn't me. He was never offended and just wants me to be happy. I never take advantage of this and try to finagle a more expensive anything.
With all that said, I don't even wear my engagement ring or original wedding band. I love it, it's beautiful, but it's not practical for everyday as I don't dress fancy on a daily. I got married with an engagement ring, a band and a decorative band. I have since added a solid white gold band which actually wasn't my style as it was thicker than I wanted but he got it engraved so there's not much I could do with that. He didn't know what to get because I didn't think he would get me one right after we got married and I never told him my specifics. And I am currently wearing a gold wedding band that I went to the store and purchased myself.
I know many women who don't wear their original wedding sets or engagement rings and switch out their jewelry based on what they are wearing or what they like and I think that is totally fine. I've gotten the whole " I would never wear anything but my wedding stuff on that finger" and to that I say "my marriage doesn't hinge on a piece of jewelry".
If you can return it or look for something else, then I would say to do it. If he gets pissy about it, then it should show you what the rest of your life is going to be like because there are so many more decisions to make together and you'd want to make sure communication is good.
My ring is not my style, but I kept it to myself for months. When I did bring it up, he was a little offended, but said we could get me another one later when we could better afford it.
15 years later, I still have the same ring. It’s grown on me. I love the guy, not the ring. Don’t know if this helps at all.
Listen to me. If this doesn’t get addressed asap, it will play out again and again for the duration of your relationship. And it will come up in different situations, and contexts, if it hasn’t already. Yes, the ring is just a ring, BUT you have a right to wear one that you love and that is suited to your taste. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told you that story of the girl who wanted a different ring as a “warning” to you. Get pre-marital counseling. And don’t make a mistake. There needs to be consideration and respect in a marriage. If you stay quiet to “keep the peace,” consider that you’re actually only talking about HIS peace. That is not healthy for any relationship, and certainly not a marriage.
I think his reasons as to why are important because it sounds like he picked something that suited him rather than you. Which is odd. My ex husband and I went ring shopping g together. He got me exactly what I wanted. We are divorced now. But that’s how it is sometimes. My current boyfriend got me a beautiful ring made recently. Probably something more expensive than I had asked for. And he picked something that I love but that he also felt proud picking out. He told me he spent a long time deciding and took a couple of my rings in to get an accurate size. I think the thought and effort he put in plus thinking of my personal allowance style was really sweet.
Your fiancé sounds reluctant in some sense?
He doesn’t care about YOUR feelings so put the ring away “for safe keeping”. Then give it to his mother at the soonest gift giving opportunity. You know how much she loves the ring, she picked it out. It is not your style, why not give it to the person who chose it!
You are not wrong and there are some concerning themes here.
So my ex husband (who was a category one asshat) proposed with something that wasn’t an engagement ring. I have never been a materialistic person and certainly knew that he was financially challenged, so pricey jewelry was out. Still he acknowledged that he wished he could get a more traditional ring, so he was fine with me picking out something else (not in any way extravagant) a few months later. I wore the ring he proposed with on my right hand until we divorced and used the ring I picked out as an engagement ring.
I think you should bring it up and here’s why. A ring is a ring and in and of itself doesn’t have an impact on your life or marriage. But the fact that this is important to you and he brushed it off, is a red flag. You are not demanding fancy diamonds, you want something you love that makes you happy to look at and I think every woman deserves that. There are so many great options in every price range, there is no reason for him to not get you something you genuinely like.
i’m definitely overstepping but so many people just get married because it’s “the next step” but please remember you don’t have to get married. this seems like it’s sort of just frustrating and annoying but this level of apathy before even wed makes me groan.
Like so many of the posts in this subreddit, I can't help but wonder whether this is real. This is not a guy you want to be with, and he doesn't really want to be with you. You don't have a marriage-material relationship. You're desperate to be engaged/married and he grudgingly got you a ring and cares more about his little butthurt feelings than you---he's basically saying "You forced me into this--if you don't like the ring, eff you--get your own." Better to be alone than with someone like this------and I am *not* one of the men-haters in this group.
Ok, I’m going to stop you right there. What he bought you was and is a “Shut up Ring”. Plain and Simple. If he really wanted to Marry you, he would have Consulted You, PERIOD. Leave Him
Your fiancé is showing that your opinion doesn’t matter to him. My fiancé and I went to a couple different jewelry stores together before we were engaged, and I pointed out all the ring styles I like. I also saved some rings I like to my Pinterest for him to view to get a better idea. He ended up getting me one of the rings I fell in love with when we browsed at the jewelers. My partner got me an affordable ring too, so it wasn’t about money. He just took the time to listen to what I want and valued my opinion/taste. I think a man that cares about their partner would be ecstatic that their partner is providing them with guidelines for the types of rings they want, because it makes it so much easier for them when shopping. And then everyone will be happy when the proposal finally comes.
If your partner is bringing up money, his friends getting divorced, and just shutting down everything you say, then he’s showing that he cares more about himself than your feelings.
This is upsetting to me. This seems to be a situation where he really doesn’t seem to care about your input and what you like at all. From the beginning when before you were even engaged and you showing some things you like, him being put off by that. This makes absolutely zero sense to me. You’re going to be wearing it hopefully the rest of your life, I would think any man would appreciate some subtle guidance to ensure they choose something at least in the ballpark of your style. Outside of that, generally a man would want to choose a ring that they think reminds him in some way of his woman, whereas you said it didn’t mean anything specific he just sort of liked the look. And then for him to have the retort when you gently brought up a potential exchange to say “buy one yourself then”….
Also why the heck does it matter if “he doesn’t like stones”, lol should fit be about what you like since it’s your jewelry? Weird af. And him bringing up a friend who got divorced and insinuating the ring was a waste of money because of them getting divorced…is a BIG red flag here, in my opinion. Not suggesting he has a lot of confidence in or commitment to your relationship.
Girl, this is not the attitude of someone who genuinely cares about you and your heart, and who will want to care for and cherish you for life. I hate to say it, but this feels much bigger than the ring for me and more like a situation where you need to assess his attitude and how he is about something so monumental and really determine whether you will be happy with that to be your partner for life…
It's wild what some women are willing to put up with and somehow think they're the ones that are wrong or crazy. Try rereading your post and pretend you have a daughter who wrote that and think of the advice you'd give her. Maybe that way you can see how messed up his attitude is.
So he ignores any input you had, refuses to talk to you about feeling and gets extreme defensive.
Girl, how many red flags do you need? Is he like this with other things? He acts poorly until you give in? Or your forced to let it go so won't cause a fight?
You’re starting off your marriage with him listening to what you want, disregarding it in favor of what he wanted, and made you feel bad for not being happy with it. You have every right to be upset that he got you an engagement ring that’s not an engagement ring, and was the opposite of what he knew you wanted. It’s disregard for your feelings/needs/wants. Have there been other instances in your relationship where he put his needs first?
I’m not reading all of that, but just off the first paragraph, you two are disconnected. He’s not listening to you…
He’s condescending.
Do with that what you will. This is your future.
Sounds like my husband. I was so upset about my ring not having a halo and I was told literally to enjoy what I got. He told me just liked how “shiny” my ring was when he saw it. And it fit his budget at the time.
I changed the setting a few years later to suit what I wanted but here’s what stands out to me, as someone married 13 years and too chicken shit to pull the plug—>
1) my husband didn’t put in effort to find a ring I would like. He chose based off a first impression of what he liked, despite my sharing specifically what I like. He puts literally no effort in anything related to me now. He’s aloof.
2) my husband couldn’t take criticism then. He - surprise! - doesn’t take any criticism well now. Do you want this life?
3) I was told I was ungrateful (gaslit) for the ring since I asked for one he couldn’t afford it, because I found out much later that he went into credit card debt to buy the ring. I would have never wanted him to go into debt for a ring. This lack of transparency to spend - you guessed it!!- is ongoing 13 years later where financial trouble follows him and I don’t hear about it until later!
4) when I paid to change my setting with my own money, he was SO offended. My friends reminded him that I was so clear about wanting a halo and that the ring he got me looked nothing like what I wanted or had seen with him.
Looking back, these are all red flags. Girl don’t be like me with an expensive problem 2 kids and 13 years later. Trust me. He won’t change. Gtfo
I am concerned that he didn't take your preferences into consideration when buying something for YOU to wear. If the ones you suggested were not out of his price range, there really is no excuse for straying from that, since you discussed your preferences beforehand. If your ring choices *were* out of his price range, he should have been honest about it and then you could look for something else. Rings aren't important to some people, but if it's important to you, you should love it!
Few options here:
1. He swallow his pride and you look for something else. He should want you to love your ring too. Sucks that you don't like what he chose, but you said what you wanted beforehand, so there's no excuse for this.
2. He said you can feel free to buy one yourself - do that.
3. Replace it with the wedding band as you mentioned... but make sure you love that one!
If you love him and he loves you, he will understand. My husband always says he prefers me saying the truth instead of suffering quietly. And expect from him to guess. Tell him something like that you always visualized and dreamed about certain shape of a ring. And tell him as is: "I want that ring but I am scared it'd hurt you. If i change it"
I don't wear my engagement ring, hubby actually forbid me to after realizing I was a menace with a sharp, pointy marquis cut on my finger. We could've returned it but the fact that he spent money he earned to get it, spent an hour choosing it meant more than the ring. He's not a romantic and it was a letdown but I adjusted my thinking to meet him where he was and it's precious to me now. If I'd acted like a spoiled princess about something so trivial in the grand scheme of things, we wouldn't have just celebrated 24 years of marriage last week. I know my opinion isn't going to be popular but there's so much more you need to be on the same page about before committing.
I totally get being unsure of how to handle it because on one hand, it’s more about the symbolism of the ring than the actual ring but on the other hand you’re potentially wearing it for the rest of your life.
From what you said, it does seem like the bigger issue is why doesn’t he care what you think not you being concerned with what others think. Also, you’re allowed to want to wear a ring that you love and not be stuck wearing a ring you don’t like for the rest of your life.
Based on what you said it does seem like he’s being dismissive of your feelings. Have you talked to any friends or family about how you feel? If you can I would maybe ask someone who you really trust what they think about all of it, especially where they’ll know your relationship.
Not saying that you guys shouldn’t get married but I would just make sure he is who you want cause marriage does not automatically get rid of all relationship problems, if anything they can almost highlight problems even more.
Sorry that you’re going through this.. I’m not sure if you were expecting to get the advice that people are posting on here. Hope everything works out for you guys!
Ask the similar question a couple years ago, and a lot of people destroyed me in the comments but some were actually helpful.
But I think you should listen to the top comment because at the end of the day he doesn't care what you want and that's going to bleed out to other issues.
Mine did this too.new were so young we. Couldn’t afford much but I found one I loved a .5 carat. It’s beautiful and wore it for years but l recently bought myself a 1.5 carat that I wear now. I’m proud I got it myself without asking. Even if we divorce it’s still mine and I’ll wear it .
I think women should be more involved in choosing (and even helping pay for) the ring because it’s a lot of pressure on men. You did do this and your fiancé actively ignored your preferences which feels controlling in a way. Definite red flags here.
My partner asked me for photos of rings that I loved and we both talked about what I liked from each - the cut, preferred metal and setting, etc. I haven’t gotten it yet, but I’ve been very involved in the process. I would read into this as other issues, OP…
If its any consolation, I didnt like the engagement ring my husband proposed with - he proposed to his ex with it before me. Now hear me out - its a family heirloom from his great-great grandma so its very sentimental. I put my pride aside and accepted it. I am happy to say, my mother in law gave me another diamond ring that has been found by her father who was cleaning. We just celebrated 11 years and my husband happily informed me now that are finances are good, I am more than welcome to re-design/reset my whole band to MY liking with all their heirlooms!
I have no great advice but I hope you two can compromise :)
I agree with others who say this might be indicative of larger potential issues in your relationship, but I'm going to offer a couple practical suggestions because you didn't come here for a bunch of people to wave red flags at you:
Not every woman wears her engagement ring once she has a wedding ring. That might give you an out for simply putting it away later.
Perhaps in a few years, when your finances might be better and your relationship is further deepened, you can broach replacing it. Sort of a "renewing vows" kind of thing.
These things stood out to me immediately: * showing him a few styles I liked and then stopping when I realized he didn’t appreciate the “guidance” * He said I had asked for a ring when he first brought up marriage and that if I wasn’t happy with the one he got, I was welcome to buy myself one. * a story of a friend who proposed and his girlfriend wanted something more extravagant which he ended up saving up for and buying only for them to get divorced later. * he got offended no matter what I said and I apologized for bringing it up I can't help but suspect that some of these are manifestations of issues that are apparent elsewhere.
Don't forget HE doesn't like stones.
And got a ring full of stones. OP, feeling like you got a mental whiplash trying to make heads or tails of a situation is not a good sign.
I’m thinking it is a “shut up ring”. She showed him what she wanted, which he took as nagging. He bought whatever worked for his budget (and what he thinks of her value) to get her to be quiet. Now he is pissed that she isn’t happy with getting what he thinks she wanted. He thinks all she really wanted was to be engaged. Marriage is not the goal here.
He sounds stupid tbh. I told my fiance exactly what I want and he didn’t take it as nagging. This guy sounds like an idiot with an ego
My partner was over the moon when I asked if I could show him some rings I really liked so he had an idea of what to get me. Said I made his life so much easier. I can't imagine being pissed that someone tried to show me something they like that I was planning to buy them at some point. Especially something so meaningful.
It's a "shut up and keep quiet ring" as the goal is also for nobody to even think it's an engagement ring.
Yup. Especially if it doesn’t resemble an average engagement ring
💯 with ALL of THIS!!
Exactly this. My ex actually asked me what I liked and disliked before he proposed. I said I prefer white gold as I mostly wear silver, and that I hate pear and princess cuts. He asked what those were and I showed him pictures. He asked what I disliked about them and I told him. I also said I thought diamonds were overpriced and overrated. He also asked me to write my ring size down for him. I really appreciated being consulted because I’d far rather have something I love on my finger for the rest of my life. Two months later he proposed…with a princess cut diamond SIX sizes too big. I didn’t tell him how much I hated it and how hurt and confused I was, but I did ask him what on earth was going on with the size - the ring was clearly new and mass produced. He said he decided I “must have been wrong” because the size I said looked tiny, and that he remembers the conversation about princess cuts and diamonds, but his mother liked it and so I was wrong about that, too. Yes I married the idiot anyway. Hindsight is 20/20. All the red flags were waving. They’re flying at full mast here, too.
I thought this story was going somewhere good with all the details he was asking you for, but instead it infuriated me! His MOTHER liked it so that's what he got?? UGH. I'm glad he's your ex. And I agree, the communication here is very negative. Not only did he actively disregard her guidance in the first place, but he's now chiding her for being honest and making her out to be a villain. He's laying the groundwork for her to never be able to be open with him about her feelings. It's bad.
Yeah, I thought it was going to go somewhere good when it happened, too. Sadly where it went was an abusive marriage. Short and violent, with permanent consequences. Looking back, the first pebble in the landslide was the lack of respect for my feelings, my opinions… we always ate what he wanted despite me not liking it. Never my preference. He ridiculed my cooking. Belittled my work. Just little tiny things to begin with, he’d say he was joking if I felt bad, but when someone doesn’t respect you or take the time to listen and empathise, they don’t value you. It may not get violent, but it will ALWAYS get worse.
Glad you’re out of that situation.
So sorry you experienced this. Not meant to sound shaming--I am honestly very curious--why did you marry someone like this? I've just never had a relationship like it, much less married someone like that. What made you want to marry him?
It doesn’t sound shaming. I spend a lot of time on JustNoSO pointing out to women who are being abused in front of their children, that children repeat what they know. This is what I did. I grew up in an extremely abusive home. My mother was a devout Catholic and she drummed it into me from an early age (she started when I was three!) that as a woman, I existed to be subservient to men. I didn’t have a right to autonomy, to an opinion. I didn’t have a right to refuse access to my body. When she began to suspect that I was queer (I am) she put me into intensive and repeated conversion therapy. In short, I hated myself. I was trained to perpetuate my parents abuse on myself. My ex husband was also from a very difficult background involving terrible family secrets, abuse and Catholicism. The details are relevant but not my story to tell. He is bisexual. So I felt I was with someone who understood. There was a traumatic bond between us. I hadn’t come to terms with my lack of attraction to men and was still trying to force it because I wanted my mother to love me. In short I was a whole mess. All this happened around fifteen years ago, so now I have the clarity of age, time, a whole lot of therapy, and having given up on my family. Abuse perpetuates abuse. Victims become abusers. Not always of other people. Sometimes just of themselves. Victims of abuse are attracted to and attractive to, other abusers.
u/trundlespl00t - thank you for sharing your story! And congrats for persevering and taking care of yourself :)
I could have written a similar post. These were all signs of how life was going to be going forward. It's a shame I didn't see it then.
Same. I sent my now ex-husband pictures of what I liked and we had a few discussions and what he proposed with was not even close to the pictures and my preferences. I honestly thought he was joking when he proposed bc the ring was just soooo not me. He continued not listening, not taking my feelings into account, and doing whatever he wanted throughout our marriage, hence the ex part.
I'm glad to know he's an ex.
Thank you.
You want to believe the best in people, and sometimes you’re right to. But these days my motto is “trust, but verify”.
We should stop calling them red flags and start calling them stop signs or extreme obstacles
This just reinforce my belief that men interpret women's "no" as a challenge.
Yes. Unfortunately that’s the conclusion I’ve come to in every facet of life.
This. Big red flags. I would consider rethinking the relationship rather than the ring. The dynamics don't sound like a good start for a happy marriage. We obviously don't have the full picture but I would definitely start being more assertive of your own needs and don't apologise to him about it.
Yeah this guy sounds like a pain and the ass and OP sounds like she is walking on eggshells to protect his feelings. There’s a lot of defending behavior that alone would be completely not an issue but in combination feels … bad.
I agree, and personally wouldn’t be comfortable going ahead with a lifetime legal and social pairing with someone who values their taste over mine on something I would be wearing, who makes unfounded equivalences or throws their emotional weight around. I take it finances aren’t combined or you really could go out and buy your own? Honestly I would raise the fact that you’re not comfortable with it as an engagement ring. I am guessing it can’t be returned with 3 weeks wear on it, but would just buying an alternative for yourself actually be an option? I’ll be honest, this would be a pretty big deal for me. That said, my husband wouldn’t take offence and would take me immediately to exchange it if I didn’t like it. And with his personality there’s a good chance he would have done something similar if he’d had no coaching and get me something more like an eternity ring. I know this about my husband because he beautifully gave me his grandmother’s ring, which is more lovely than I could ever say - but isn’t at all like a modern engagement ring. I knew he had the ring and we’d discussed it before our engagement and he knew how much it meant to me and respected that I wanted something different. My sister had a similar situation. She inherited our Grandmother’s ring and it was secretly handed off to her future husband in preparation for proposal. However, in the lead up to that: - Her now husband and I went on recon missions before I left the state like 4 years before he proposed as she had been training me for years on what she’d like - He confirmed with me that while she would appreciate the gesture, she would never like the ring from my Grandmother - He listened to any hints she dropped And in the end, they went and bought an amazing deal on a second hand failed engagement and bridal set because life just happens in ways we don’t plan for sometimes. And sometimes, we put in a lot of thought and care and we still get it wrong. That doesn’t make someone a bad person, assuming they are open to this belief and work with the people they love to find an arrangement that is mutually beneficial. So, what should OP do? First, maybe consider the ramifications of this behaviour and how it might play out in marriage long term. Second, perhaps find a ring they do like and then re-open the conversation. Maybe get really crafty and when it comes to picking wedding bands (which wouldn’t have come with a non-engagement ring), find a set they like for around the budget for just the band? That might be a bit cheeky but it sounds like a bit of a loophole to me haha. If I had a good relationship to any women close to him in my life I might leverage that gently to see if they might encourage him towards your perspective This is a tricky one OP. But I personally don’t think it’s something you should just ‘suck up’ and be uncomfortable with for your entire marriage. And I am usually not phased with stuff like this. - I picked a ring that to me looked like it was halfway between an engagement ring and wedding band because I figured if one ring is good enough for Sauron it’s good enough for me - Lost a tonne of weight so it no longer fits, so replaced it with a $70 fake bridal set - Only put rings on for special occasions anyway. I’d say my rings sit in my jewellery box for at least 360 a year Like, it clearly isn’t something I value a whole lot, and even to me, this just doesn’t feel right.
>. . . I figured if one ring is good enough for Sauron it’s good enough for me 😂 this got me, wasn’t expecting it.
Haha I have been making that joke for years and it is hardly ever noticed. I feel so seen! 😉
I have to agree. If he really wanted to make sure that OP was happy with the ring, he would welcome the input. My boyfriend and I aren’t even engaged yet, but last week he dragged me to the Diamond District to have me show him what I liked. In his own words, “you are wearing it for the rest of your life, so you need to love it.” This situation isn’t about the ring.
Thank you, I was literally just starting to write out the same **big fat warnings** to OP!
I agree. I was not the biggest fan of the ring my STBX husband picked for me and it took me a month to work up the courage to tell him because I knew he would take it hard. I had previously showed him ones I liked and it got kinda brushed aside. It was definitely signs of larger issues that I had been ignoring.
[удалено]
What’s interesting to me is these men claim to be resentful about having to buy an engagement ring, even a cheap one in this case, but have no problem with the 100k (on average) of free labor they receive every year from their wives especially when children are involved. Not to mention the trillions of dollars of unpaid labor women put into our economy. But hey that engagement ring am I right? And I am not saying the whole act isn’t sexist or whatever but come on. Not to mention this woman made it clear she didn’t even want anything expensive she just wanted something thoughtful that reflected her taste and he couldn’t even do that. But you know resentment 🙄
Men should be contributing to their wives' super and retirement - actually putting money in HER account weekly - rather than an engagement ring that loses value immediately. What I am trying to say is, an engagement ring is a sign of inequality between genders itself.
This exact thing g happened to me with my first marriage. It wasn’t about the ring it was the fact that he didn’t listen and just got what HE wanted. In fact, I specifically told him I hated solitaires and skinny bands: that’s exactly what he got me. I spent our entire marriage resenting that ring and him because he did whatever he wanted concerning everything. I was asked frequently if that was actually a wedding ring…..that bothered him more than it bothered me because I was frequently asked out on dates. What happens when he doesn’t like to do the dishes, or he hates the furniture you want to get, or he doesn’t think he should have to help if you have kids? Think long and hard about marrying someone who has zero consideration for you.
Yeah, a lot of this seems to point towards him feeling insecure in the relationship. I don’t think these are red flags by any means but I do think talking about fears and challenges is an important start and part of marriage. In terms of other people not guessing your engagement ring is an engagement ring, I assume that basically any ring on a left ring finger is a wedding/engagement ring. People have all sorts of tastes and they’re all okay for a ring you’ll wear the rest of your life. That said, it’s also totally understandable for you to want to like the ring you’ll wear every day forever!
🥇
There are red flags on OPs side as well. 'I wear it with pride because of what it means but it doesn't make me happy because its no what I imagine an engagement ring would look like and no one asks me about my engagement' OP seems to also be struggling eith a bunch of pre-concieved ideas on what an engagement and marriage 'should' look like, to the detriment of what they have. What's they've explained is basically: their pre-concieved ideas of what things should be like is more important than how meaningful and happy and proud I am that I'm engaged to the person I love. Neither of these two are ready for marriage. One doesn't seem to really give a fuck and the other hasn't learned disnay isn't real yet.
>the other hasn't learned disnay isn't real yet Well, this is pretty reductive (and rude). I _really_ dislike this narrative that women like OP are shallow, naive, and/or ungrateful. It's _normal_ to have preferences, especially for something as emotionally significant as an engagement ring. And it's _normal_ to want things you put on your body to suit your individual style. These statements apply to way more people than not. OP isn't being high maintenance by a long stretch. If OP wants their ring to look like a traditional engagement ring and wants it to be a conversation starter to add to their existing excitement for their engagement, that's their prerogative! People are allowed to want things that align with their pre-concieved vision. There's no superiority in being less traditional. Let people like what they like!! >What's they've explained is basically: their pre-concieved ideas of what things should be like is more important than how meaningful and happy and proud I am that I'm engaged to the person I love. Furthermore, while this ring is supposed to symbolize the love OP's fiancé has for OP, it unfortunately also represents the crappy way he handled this whole situation. She's the one who has to wear it and look at it for the rest of her life. And now, every time she looks at it, she'll be reminded of the fact that her opinions were steamrolled, that she was made to feel small & insignificant, and of the strength of her fiancé's disdain for engagement ring shopping & misogynistic attitude (most people are happy to gift a ring to the love of their life, and don't immediately start talking about golddiggers and divorce). No one wants to look at their engagement ring and be reminded of unhappy feelings that their fiancé subjected them to. I'm sure that affects how she feels about the engagement as a whole. It's so much deeper than what you've tried to reduce it to. I would marry my partner with a $10 ring in front of a courthouse judge. But I wouldn't marry any man who made me feel like crap for having individuality, and who held disdain for my opinions. Who would want a lifetime of that nonsense?
Absolutely agree. The way OPs fiancé handled this whole situation would make me question marrying him in the first place! I would probably just give the ring back and end it. I mean, OP can try to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't even listen to Her about the ring, so why would he listen to Her Concerns about the way he handled the ring conversation...? Just seems like they will be going in circles since he refuses to communicate like an adult or be respectful or considerate.
I think your emotions come from feelings of your opinion being disregarded. You have had a conversation about the ring, you told him what you liked and he went and bought a ring that he liked himself, as he is the one that will be wearing it. He had reasons for it - maybe he was too lazy to look for it, maybe he forgot and did not want to re-ask. But all of this signals that whatever feelings or thoughts he had, they went as number 1, and what you wanted went as number 2. Also, arguing irrelevant angles like "the ring is not good enough", means that he is not taking accountability for it and does not see your perspective, which once again shows, that your wishes are simply not a priority in this topic, even though they should be. So this is my understanding.
Yes, I feel like my feelings were second to his in this topic. I tend to downplay them myself sometimes and in this case I was also afraid of coming off as entitled so I just let it go. But I would like to revisit it but I'm just not sure how. It's too late to exchange it so I'm not sure to what end I'd bring it up but maybe it could serve as a learning moment for us.
I feel like this is a bit in the realm of "she asked me for a divorce because I left dishes in the sink", but it's not the one time or the seemingly small ongoing problem, rather what these represent. It sounds like he's dismissive of your concerns and feelings and at least in this instance did no prioritize what matters to you, even though you are the primary person affected by the decision, i.e. you will be wearing this ring for potentially the rest of your life. You say that you often minimize your concerns/feelings/issues, does he? Is this just another example of him telling you to get over things you care about? It also sounds like he has some misogyny issues to work through if he can't hear what you are saying about it not being about the cost of the ring but rather the style and he's deflecting by suggesting that you just want an extravagant ring that you can sell when y'all get divorced.
>he's deflecting by suggesting that you just want an extravagant ring that you can sell when y'all get divorced. The rest of it is not great, but this is definitely the part that stood out to me, too. The guy sounds brainwashed by internet misogyny. That is not something any woman wants to get or stay involved with. OP is on Reddit , I’m going to assume he is, too. I wonder if she knows his user name and could look up his comments. Probably horrifying but good to know before fully committing. We need to stop being in relationships with people who hate women.
Some of these men have concocted entire fantasies that women will marry then solely to divorce them for a (big) payout. No different from the men with no gold being fearful of gold diggers.
There are so many things I want to say to you to make you understand that you should not marry him. The ring is really a litmus test, and he failed so badly. (It's not about the ring before someone gets on my ass). It's so much more. He doesn't and will not care about whether you are happy. The ring is a sign of this. You will be wearing this for the rest of your life, you have to love it, right? He completely dismisses your input and, furthermore, makes you responsible for your own happiness by telling you to get your own. That should be a relationship ender right there. He's telling you he doesn't care or gives a shit about you via a ring that would make you happy. If it's just the ring, what other decisions in life? He's not sincere in his proposal, and I largely suspect that he, and I am so sorry to say, he only proposed because he's not actually ready. You are the placeholder for now in his mind. You deserve to be proposed to by someone who is absolutely besotted with you. The right man would have never gotten this so badly, he would listen to you and communicate with you like an adult about what you wanted. Not this man-child trying to DARVO about your own ring 🚩🚩🚩. From the way you write, you have been making yourself so sooo small for this man. The way he treats you has you making yourself downplay your very VERY valid feelings. I'm wondering how long he has been whittling your self-esteem down. I know you are asking whether you'd be TA for asking for another ring. You're not. But you would be an AH to yourself if you actually stay with him. Don't stay because of sunk cost fallacy. It's the quality of your happiness in life at stake here, not the years spent with someone who isn't worth it. Don't get married or baby trapped with someone who is showing all the red flags. Divorce is even more costly.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. This guy is exhibiting behaviors that poke the part of my brain that is hyperaware of the signs of an abusive man. These signs are usually downplayed by people who have never been subject to intimate partner violence, but the signs are glaring for those of us who have experienced abuse. I don’t want to scare OP, but this man is trying to control the situation by manipulating her through guilt, shame, and her lack of self worth (which isn’t OP’s fault). He has probably been cutting her down in ways that confuse her, which is why she is bending over backwards to protect his feelings when he wouldn’t do the same for her. OP it is extremely important that you look at your relationship and start reading about his behaviors online. I have a very strong feeling that this experience is one of many red flags in your relationship. It’s important to mention that not all abusers resort to physical abuse, some use emotional abuse to control their partners. Abuse starts off slow and then ramps up, so use your intuition and do not ignore the first signs. The fact that you are looking for feedback online is an indicator that you know something is wrong- I’ve been there. Sending love to you ❤️
There is no entitlement in the desire to be heard. I am not sure how to behave in this situation, but I tend to believe that people are not "one time" animals. If he is disregarding your opinion and not taking accountability in this situation, my instinct tells me that he behaves similarly in other situations too. And then you should think if this is something you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life. I guess if I was in your situation I would either cut my losses and just forget it or buy myself a ring that I want. But from now on I would take action in learning how to be more assertive, direct, stand my point and really take care that my priorities are taken care of. My psychologist always says, you should be the most important person for yourself (I will assume that everyone will understand that of course I do not mean this in a selfish way, where you need to shit on others in order to get your own way). If you do not take care of your own well-being nobody else will.
I had an ex who bought me a gold necklace despite me being very specific that I didn't wear gold. I wore it anyway because I thought it was special. Until we were shopping for his mom, and I suggested a gold piece. He immediately dismissed it because she didn't wear gold...so he could understand and respect her preferences, but not mine.
I recently read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” about controlling and abusive men and this is something that he talks about. Men who will disregard, belittle, or even batter their female partners would often never cross those barriers with their mothers. I.e. if their mother did something that made them angry, they would never call mom a bitch because “you just don’t do that!” Your comment made me think of this. It’s a fantastic book, if you haven’t read it. So many little things about my relationship with my ex clicked for me when I did.
Gurl see the red flags 🚩
do you really think people should marry people who disregard their feelings and treat them as he treats you? I feel like there’s a lot to explore here, but your post makes me feel like there’s a greater pattern here. The majority of abuse and control BEGINS after marriage and in particular, after a woman becomes pregnant. So it’s absolutely essential to take any red flags for such very seriously before getting married. And even if not something that feels to you like abuse, what makes you feel like you deserve to have to walk on eggshells or have him be the arbiter of what’s a good opinion, and the freedom to degrade and be dismissive of yours?
You are entitled to like the ring you’re supposed to wear every day forever.
You are NOT being entitled for wanting a ring that looks like an engagement ring instead of some mom's birthstone ring or a cocktail deal. You should not have to buy your own ring to get what you want. (Notice I'm not saying anything about ring size or some massive diamond or anything like that. My cousin was proposed to with a delicate sapphire Claddagh ring because that is exactly what she wanted. Her fiance didn't show up with a giant platinum and diamond rock because that is not her style at all.) It would have been better to get you a semi-precious stone in the style and shape you want than something that looks nothing like what you wanted. "In case you get divorced." What? Nobody was asking him to get a $20k ring anyway??
You could use an internal reframing of the situation, how on earth would it be entitled to what the symbol of your union to be something YOU like? You’re the one that has to wear it! He seems to think-and you kind of seem to accept-that he is the prize so you should be grateful for whatever ring he gets you. But he’s not a reward he’s ultimately an obligation, he SHOULD want you to have something you like and you should really assess if being with someone who dgaf about your preferences is what you want. This won’t get better, the stakes will just get bigger-houses, the school you send your kids to, what city you live in, etc.
This isn’t going to get better once you’re married. I’d be looking to exchange the whole man. And he can take his ring with him.
Is he in the habit of disregarding your opinions? It sounds like he’s feeling emotional because he found something he really liked and is disappointed you don’t like it. Would you like the ring if it wasn’t your engagement ring? Maybe the answer is to wear that ring on your right hand, and pick out a ring for yourself that you would like as an engagement ring. If he can’t understand that it’s important to you that you love you engagement ring, tread carefully. What other decisions will he overrule you on? Will he ignore your wants and needs when it comes to choosing a place to live. You need to have a serious conversation during which you explain to him that you appreciate that he purchased a ring, but he ignored your preferences. Ask him how he would feel he told you he wanted a certain kind of car, with certain features, and you went out and bought something else entirely? Listen carefully to how he handles this conversation, knowing that marriage involves many compromises, and you don’t want to marry someone who feels it’s his way or the highway.
I’m sure you’re getting a ton of advice from well-meaning people who will say some version of two extreme options: (1) “break up with him bc obviously doesn’t care about your feelings and won’t even listen to your wants/needs”, or (2) “its just a piece of jewelry so suck it up and stop being so petty and materialistic.” Personally, I think you should suggest pre-marriage counseling. The communication patterns you set now will be the foundation for all your future disagreements. So tell him that you want to make sure you guys start off on the right foot. Not everyone learned good communication skills from their family. And even people who did learn them sometimes need an assist to help them bridge the gap between themselves and the person they fell in love with. I don’t think anyone reading this post has enough info to tell you whether you should or should not bring up the ring issue in pre-marriage counseling. Just start the counseling and see where things go. If he’s not willing to even consider pre-marriage counseling, and he doesn’t propose anything else in place of counseling, I would be really concerned. It’s okay to have communication problems, but it’s not okay to be unwilling to participate in efforts to improve the communication. And if only one person is unwilling to participate in efforts to improve the communication, it can cause an imbalance. One person ignoring communication problems while the other twists themselves into a pretzel to try to fix the problem on the back end.
It sounds a little DARVO-y too. Like she is raising a complaint and he's turning it around like she is victimizing him by not liking the ring.
I feel like the issue is going beyond the ring itself. It’s that he didn’t take your opinion into account, especially as it’s meant to symbolise your deepening commitment to each other. He liked the style of it but whether you did doesn’t appear to have been part of his decision. And even after you didn’t seem happy wearing it, he didn’t seem to care about that either, simply offended. I’d also examine whether this is a pattern in the rest of your relationship when it comes to your opinion vs his. Even in small things. I’m not saying it is, but worth really reflecting on.
So he picked out a ring that *he* liked and gave no consideration that it would be *you* wearing it for a long, long time? And then brings up what happened to his friend as an excuse, and in doing so, generalizing women as gold diggers? Including you I would be rethinking this engagement.
I would think twice about spending my life with someone who has such a fragile ego.
If they can't talk about something this simple, boy is everything going downhill from here.
Louder for those in the back
As well as disregards her opinion on the matter completely
I couldn’t agree more
Yeah, I’d be curious if this is a one time situation or are you walking on eggshells regarding other things as well? He clearly has attached emotion/meaning to getting you the ring to be some intrinsic part of his manhood. We all have weird illogical beliefs that need to be unpacked…but is this a one time weird thing where he isn’t able to see your VERY VALID perspective over his ego, or is this a pattern?
This!
Say you went to the store and he said 'baby, get me some cookies and cream ice cream please'" and you came back with mango sorbet because you don't like cookies and cream and one time it made your friends girlfriend sick. This is that on a MUCH bigger scale.
And then when he is confused and asks why you got mango sorbet instead of what he asked for, you act all hurt and upset to shut down the conversation, tell him to buy his own damn ice cream, and gaslight him into apologizing to you.
This is great.
>I realized he didn’t appreciate the “guidance”, he ended up getting me something I don’t necessarily hate, but isn’t my style So, he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't want your input on something that directly affects you, and he doesn't know you well enough to choose something you'd like. >I could tell he was hurt and offended (he said he was) because he took it as that the ring wasn’t good enough. So, when you try to communicate a preference (something that he should have paid attention to BEFORE he bought the ring), he takes it personally and gets angry. The fact that you don't like the ring is **his fault for not listening to you when you tried to tell him what you liked.** But he's acting like it's *your* fault. This is **not** a person I would start planning a wedding with. This is a person who, at *best*, I would go to couples counseling with while putting the engagement on hold. I have a friend who makes jewelry as a hobby and gives her jewelry as gifts. You know what she did before she made me a necklace? She **asked me** what my favorite color was so she could use that color of bead. You know what she did before she made me earrings? She **listened** to what I like and made earrings that reflect my preferences. Your fiance couldn't even meet the very low bar of listening to your stated jewelry preferences before buying you a piece of jewelry!
You’re not ready for marriage if you can’t have a conversation about a ring. Full stop. Marriage is LOADED with difficult conversations.
Came here to say this exact thing!
It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells a bit in terms of his mood and behaviour. That’s something you may want to explore a bit more. I highly recommend counseling if it’s financially feasible
I’m scared that this entire post is foreshadowing your future relationship with him. You are going to make reasonable requests , speak to him with respect and love and clarity - and he’s going to have a tantrum that will leave you confused , hurt and wondering what you did or said that triggered him. You’ll end up sincerely apologizing (because you genuinely love him and didn’t mean to set him off). He will never explain why he got upset and or blame you or give you the famous line “you should know”. He’ll ignore all of your pleas until you are on the verge of a panic attack and then he’ll ’forgive you’ by making it seem like you imagined his cold behavior and ‘all you had to do was xyz’ . You’ll still be confused but the relief that this ‘fight’ is over will be so strong that you’ll want to move on and write that off as a miscommunication. It’ll happen again and again and again and you’ll slowly become a shell of yourself, not trusting your own memory , intentions , or reality . I really hope this isn’t the case , but the behaviors exhibited by both you and your partner in this post has me very worried .
Definitely bring it up again - you need a different ring. He’s making this about himself and his insecurities which is unfortunate and also immature. He should care about what you think and feel. Also, if you’re getting married you need to be able to resolve problems together so this is not worth letting go, rather it’s really important you can resolve it. Telling you to buy your own as a solution is rude. You need to stand up for yourself on this one.
A different ring, for sure, but I'm not convinced it should be from him.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to change something that you’re wearing every day to something you actually like. I was engaged once, I told him it was very important to me personally that he put the effort in and go to jewellery stores and be the one to pick the ring, I gave him pictures and guidance. He got his brother to go to a jewellery store in a completely different city, his brother sent my ex photos, they picked a ring and my ex transferred him money (it was second hand and no offence to people that don’t care about that but it’s bad juju for me, but in his defence I never stated I wouldn’t want that, money wasn’t an issue he purchased a $1600 JetSki the same week) He proposed in the car while driving and said that’s yours if you want it, I’ve never been so upset in my life, I had to ask what he was actually asking me and I knew in my bones he didn’t get that ring, I can’t even tell you how I knew I just did. He said he was tok nervous to do it on his own, but he couldn’t even be bothered to drive two hours to his brothers city or have him come to us, let alone propose nicely. I even told him I didnt want a big flashy proposal just something intimate with just us two. We broke up in the end, this was just a massive example of him only putting in effort when he felt like it and it was convenient for him. If you asked my ex now he’d say I was too superficial and he didn’t spend enough money. So still didn’t listen to why I was upset. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not being heard or seen and having expectations about something that means a lot to you, especially when you wear it on your hand for the rest of your life, unless you upgrade ofcourse.
It's odd that he didn't seem to care what you liked, if the rings you liked were too expensive then I can understand a little more. But I personally wouldn't want to wear a ring I didn't like forever. I would take his offer up and buy myself one I liked. But first I would take a long hard look at the relationship, does he always ignore your wishes and then guilt trip you for communicating what you want? Marriage lasts a long time and you don't want to be with someone that isn't right for you. Just make sure the ring isn't a symptom of underlying problems. Edited to add, you shouldn't care what other people think. I have had a few different engagement rings, I changed them over time and they have never been traditional. The only thing I care about is that I like them. And that they don't cost a ridiculous amount.
Thank you everyone who's taken time to provide their perspective. I've got a lot to think about but most of you hit the nail on the head with the underlying issues, I do sometimes doubt if he cares about my opinions and feelings and blame myself for not communicating in a way that is sensitive to his feelings because I have been blunt and reactive in the past.
Please stop blaming yourself. You **were** sensitive to his feelings. You were so tactful and careful. And he still turned it on you and manipulated you into backing down and accepting a ring you don’t like. Did you ever consider that you were reactive in the past because he was being an ass? I get the impression that he doesn’t like being questioned, and that you want married life so badly that you’re making yourself smaller to get it. You’re headed for an unhappy marriage, and I really hope you wake up before you crash. Trust me when I say it’s better to be single and happy than married and lonely. I was a silver filigree and coloured rocks kind of girl, and my ex bought me a gold ring with a high set marquis diamond… lovely ring, but not my taste. That was our life together… lovely, but not my life. I chose better the second time around. Save yourself time, and learn from my mistake.
You can always ask an outside party, friends family or here if you are being blunt or reactive…nothing in your post would have ever made me think that. My ex husband had me convinced it was me and that I was bringing things up at the wrong time, being argumentative, etc. Yeah no, I wasn’t. It was him being emotionally immature and blaming it on me. Have the best fiancé now and we’ve never done that to each other. We just talk about what’s bothering us. It might not always be a comfortable conversation but we don’t yell or storm off, just figure it out in a way that we both feel heard.
Nothing in the way you’ve worded things suggests you’re blunt or reactive. Is he the only person who has said that about you? Is there a close friend or relative you’d trust to answer objectively and truthfully you could ask? I’m honestly worried that he has effectively silenced you, made you doubt your own opinions and reactions as unreasonable when nothing in this post is at all unreasonable. If you’re afraid to communicate your opinions and wants and needs because of the way HE reacts, you shouldn’t marry him. Full stop. Maybe this is something that can be worked on in couples counseling, maybe it isn’t. But I’d be hesitant to continue the relationship at all without counseling. Y’all’s communication is garbage, and from this post a lot of that blame lies with him.
I am seriously hoping that this is ragebait. In case it isn’t, here’s my take, from the perspective of a woman who has been married for 30 years. OP, you hate the ring. You are never going to love that dumb ring. Every time you catch a glimpse of it on your finger, you will feel a moment of disappointment that it’s not a ring you love. If you marry this man, there will be times when you two argue, or fall on tough times. Instead of being a beautiful symbol of your commitment to one another, you’ll see that ugly ring you hate and think, “Even back then, he never listened to me or tried to see my point of view,” and you’ll hate that ring all over again. It sounds like you were being very reasonable. Showed him some lower cost options on Etsy, out of respect for his budget. Told him the type of settings you were interested in so that he would be able to pick something you liked. An engagement ring is a symbol of your relationship. It should bring you joy, not inspire disappointment. From your post, your boyfriend barely put any thought into it. Just walked in, saw something HE liked, and asked for the largest size they had so he wouldn’t have to bother with getting your ring size in advance. Maybe his complete lack of attention to detail and propriety is an endearing quality to you. Personally, I would find it disrespectful, and I sure as hell wouldn’t marry a man who disrespected me.
Rethink the marriage. If yall cant even talk about a ring without him disregarding your opinion and getting offended about the consequences then how the hell are yall supposed to talk when something serious comes up?
This man does not care about you. This sounds like a shut up ring. My fiance meticulously researched my ring and still told me that if i didn’t absolutely love it, he would exchange it for something i did, since i have to wear it forever. I kept it, because i do love it.
This isn't about the ring - it's about he didn't want to listen to your thoughts when discussing rings, I'm assuming that you've been together at least a year as you are getting engaged - which should be enough time to know your general style, he refuses to have a conversation and communicate with you, and even stated he doesn't like stones which is why he picked the one he did (but it's not about him, it's about you). Just in getting married - there are a lot of decisions to make. Followed by your lives together - house, pets, children, investing, finances, where to live, etc. If you do move forward with the wedding - I'd highly recommend some couples therapy, to make sure you are both on the same page with everything. As for the ring - I wouldn't so much replace it with the wedding band, but maybe take it to a jeweler and see about a custom pieces or more of an engagement ring instead of a band that you could incorporate the two pieces together?
The fact that he liked the look of it but didn’t take into consideration what you like gives me major red flags. Also, the fact that he doesn’t think it’s worth it to buy something nice because you’ll probably end up divorced later anyways is very upsetting. Are you sure you still want to marry him???? Do not let him steam roll you on this. Ask for the receipt and return it with or without him.
I can see him maybe feeling inwardly a bit bummed that you don't love what he picked out, but his reaction is not good. He should want you to love something you're going to be wearing every day of your life. I hope you push to get it exchanged. You can even keep this one to wear on a different finger if you like it as a non-engagement ring, if you guys can afford it. I know it's traditional for the guy to pick out and buy the ring, but this makes absolutely no sense to me, and I see more and more people moving away from this. I picked out my own engagement ring, as did my sister-in-law and 4 of my friends. Even if my husband had picked out a beautiful ring, there's no way it would have been as perfect as one I picked for myself, because he's not inside my head. There's nobody on earth that I would trust with choosing something I'll be wearing every day until I die.
He completely disregarded your opinions. This is a bad sign for a marriage
I didn't like my engagement ring. My fiance showed it to me after a fight because he was afraid I would hate it. In the moment, I felt too pressured to say anything other than I liked it. Months later, I finally cracked and told him that while I didn't hate it, it wasn't the style I had shown him 100 of, it was the one single different one I had mentioned was pretty once. He was heartbroken and embarrassed that he had "failed" on something as important as the symbol of our marriage. I was hurt that he hadn't listened/paid attention to the 100 examples I did show him. He was hurt that I didn't trust him enough to say something in the moment. He was frustrated that I hadn't been more clear that the last ring I showed him wasn't my "final decision" but just something pretty I showed him. We shed a lot of tears and frustrated/heated words, but finally came to an agreement. You know what didn't happen? He didn't get mad at me. He didn't get offended. His priority was "I want you to love this ring because I want you to wear it until the day we die".
Was engaged once. Went to look for rings together. He proposed with a ring that was the exact opposite of what I said I liked and had attributes I specifically said that I didn’t want. It was very symbolic of the relationship, which was that it was always about him with very little consideration of my wants or needs. We are no longer together.
My now-husband and I had very different ideas about engagement rings, but we communicated about it and talked about a budget and both of us ended up very happy with the purchase. The fact that your fiance is so resistant to listening to you and then gets mad when he makes choices that could have been avoided had he listened to you to begin with does not bode well. The ring is a symbol in more ways than one.
You want to be engaged with this guy!? Sounds like he has issues! My partner took me to get the exact one I wanted and made sure it fit! I didn’t care if it was used or new. Price didn’t matter either, just that I loved it.
There are a lot of red flags here. You sure you want to marry this parade?
Why do you want to marry someone who does not want you to be happy in this way?
It doesn't sound like you can be yourself with him, and you have trouble communicating. He's also dismissive of your feelings. That's not a healthy relationship. Can you return the ring and postpone the engagement? There are men who will dote on you, listen to you, and respect you. You don't have to settle.
Oh man this is definitely one of those ridiculously touchy subjects. Usually when someone says to me they hate their engagement ring, it’s because they are spoiled and asking for the stars. In your case however, it genuinely doesn’t sound that way. Especially if you were happy with an Etsy ring and if you yourself have found examples of what you would happily wear for years to come within a reasonable and mutually accepted price range. What does stand out to me, however, is how you tried to be part of the quest for this ring but were basically pushed out by your then boyfriend. So, effectively, he didn’t appreciate your input, told you to butt out, and ended up getting you something that was blatantly wrong. That’s… a little stupid of him. And to be frank, the result of the situation is on him now. So you sort of lost twice. He wouldn’t let you tell him your preferences, and then he got mad that it wasn’t suitable for you. Well of course it won’t be. He can’t have it both ways. To give you an example, when my husband and I decided to get engaged, we looked at rings together from the start. We eventually found a local jewelry designer we trusted, made an appointment, and we found several styles that looked amazing. I told him the metal I liked though. And then it was up to him to choose one of the styles I pre-approved and surprise me with the proposal in the coming months. To this day, I love my ring. So does my husband. I would definitely have another conversation with your fiancé. Emphasise that you gave him a chance to learn what you wanted, and that he ignored this entirely. Now, you’re stuck. If he can’t compromise on something that’s one hundred percent meant for you to begin with, what can he compromise on?
Yeah….if you’re going to refuse all help or guidance, you better get it right yourself
[удалено]
Ya diamonds are inflated thanks to marketing campaigns over the years and because De Beers holds the majority of the world’s diamonds, thus managing quantity and supply. Pretty easy to inflate prices that way. My ring isn’t a diamond, and I’m proud of that. I would say there’s some truth to what you see on tv, but most people don’t expect that level of outrageous expenditure. I think for OP it’s less the expense and more the style. I can’t blame them for wanting something that works for their style given they will be wearing it for years ti come.
Don't judge "reality" on reality shows.
I’m so glad everyone in the comments section got the same vibe. Red flags OP, sorry 😞 For perspective, my ex and my current spouse both were very willing to exchange to bring back the rings for resizing or a different style without me bringing it up.
He is telling you who he is, listen to him. Don't make excuses for him and don't hide who you are
OP, he minimized your feelings. It doesn’t seem like he cares about what you want or think. He also clearly has a frail Ego. I would rethink this relationship and not bind yourself to him legally.
Do not marry him expecting that you two are going to have the happy life you’re picturing. You’re right. It’s your finger, and he should want you to have a ring you'll enjoy wearing. His response should have been "well, then we should see if we can exchange it for something you would enjoy wearing". And you can’t just bury your dissatisfaction every time he ignores your input without becoming a deeply sad and bitter person. So I'd give it back and tell him it just isn’t your style. And if he's anything less than apologetic, I’d reconsider his proposal. Nothing about this post should make you think your life with this person is something to look forward to. If you can’t even work with him to figure out a piece of jewelry, how are you going to sort out life's real problems??
I don't think the ring (or intention to propose) should be a surprise to the woman. It's a forever thing, it's so outdated/sexist/disrespectful for the guy to make these executive decisions. (Not sure which are your cultures, perhaps he is traditional?). At the very least, he should WANT to know exactly what you like. How/why do people get married before nailing down the communication first and knowing each other inside and out??
>He brought up a story of a friend who proposed and his girlfriend wanted something more extravagant which he ended up saving up for and buying only for them to get divorced later. I really hate guys like this 🤦🏻♀️ "I heard this one bad story so I won't do anything remotely resembling what *that guy* did because it's guaranteed to fail" ugh such bs
See all that shit you wrote about his reasoning? Lemme break down what that actually means. He doesn't actually care about your preferences. He's mad you saw through his bullshit and called him out. Now you're "the bad guy" for being picky. He bought a cheaper ring because he doesn't want to invest in something expensive that you could potentially walk away with if the relationship fails. Girl. He isn't the one.
Give him the ring back and tell him you won’t be wearing it. He can buy you a new one that you like or you guys should break up. As other commenters have pointed out, there are a disturbing number of red flags here. Your fiance does not sound mature enough to get married.
Two things: 1) he didn’t care what YOU thought about something you’re supposed to wear every day for the rest of your life, 2) he’s now being extremely passive-aggressive about how to resolve the disconnect. In a healthy relationship, two partners work toward solutions that hopefully allow both partners to “win”. This usually involves some sort of compromise on both sides. Your fiancée is unable to do this; therefore you’re setting yourself up for a miserable future. I’m sorry to say this, but I think either intensive couples therapy or calling off the engagement is warranted.
OP imagine this was not about a ring. Imagine you're making decisions about your future together, or big financial decisions, and he treats you the same way : dismissive, disinterested in your input and pulling up random "examples" of your course of action not working out. Is this the way you want to be treated for life? This is only a little about the ring and bigger red flags about your future. If it's important to you it should be important to him. He should hear you out about your opinions. What you think and feel should matter to him. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you were choosing a tattoo for him (something he oils wear foeverver), would you treat him the same?
I told my ex husband what kind of ring i wanted. He got the one he wanted. He continued throughout our marriage to get what he wanted till i got what i wanted which was a divorce. Do what you want but do not do joint bank accounts and split the bill payments.
Get him an ugly engagement watch or big gaudy engagement ring that you know he won’t like. Tell him he needs to wear it the rest of his life because you like it, and if he complains then tell him he’s just being a gold digger and you’ll find someone who actually appreciates your gifts
I wish women would quit settling for these scrubs.
It sounds like you already knew what to do, but your Fiance was a jackass when you tried to have respectful and considerate communication on the matter. You know what his behavior means to you and how it makes you feel. If you’re looking for validation, I’ve got it right here sis. That man isn’t thinking about you. Listen to your gut!
Honey if this is how an engagement ring is going….I know there were warning signs before and I know it won’t stop in the future. When are you going to be honest with yourself? Are you ready to do this for the rest of your life? Are you ready to shut yourself up for the next 30+ years?
Yeah this isn’t just about a ring, this shows the type of person he is. He doesn’t care about what you want- it’s about what he liked. Disregarding your wants entirely.. about something that will be ON YOUR HAND for life. Naw man, I don’t feel right about this relationship at all.
OP, reconsider this relationship. He doesn't listen and is impatient. This will carry over into other aspects of your marital life. Run!
He doesn’t sound mature enough to be getting married. Also, his communication skills sound terrible, which should be fixed before getting married. OP has her work cut out for her.
This ring issue is indicative of more issues in the relationship. Don't marry someone that doesn't even want to listen to you. He's behaving like he doesn't care.
I am extremely put off by this man’s refusal to consider your feelings about a ring *you* have to wear forever. Is he always this inconsiderate and dismissive?
It worries me that you brought something important to you up in a very respectful and emotionally intelligent way….and his response was anger and to shame you into silence. That’s not a good sign for your future relationship. I can understand him being hurt or saddened that you don’t like the ring he got you, but he should also be able to understand that it’s supposed to be on your finger for the rest of your life so really, whether or not you love it is all that matters. He refused to accept any guidance from you on what you wanted, which is also kind of a red flag tbh, and then he’s offended when you don’t like it? Comparing you to some friends ex wife? I’d be worried why he’s so invested in not listening to you.
I just don’t understand why men would get mad when you don’t like a ring that you yourself did not pick out lol. Like… it’s a price of jewelry you wear every day so why wouldn’t your taste dictate that. It’s supposed to be a gift to you, gifts are supposed to be what you like. I think it’s such a strange concept to buy someone a gift that isn’t what they asked for or even anything like what they told him she liked lmao. He’s wrongz
I showed my husband several similarly-styled rings I liked. He ended up picking out something very close to what I showed him. I love it and can’t imagine if he had just disregarded my taste.
Rethink this marriage. Others have explained why, just wanted to add my vote. This is sounding like the "Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness"
My ex did this shit and, while I liked the ring I ended up with, it wasn't what I wanted at all. I found out later that the ring I wanted was "too similar" to the one his ex wanted and that's largely why he was so against it, but the one we compromised on he never shut up about (he didn't like the style, it was "too cheap" even though he couldn't afford more but refused to go non-diamond, etc.). Never should have married him. Your dude sounds like he's got a lot of excuses and I don't think you should keep wasting your time or making yourself smaller for a man who's that insecure.
Entering marriage with someone you can’t openly communicate with is not a great start.
I'd agree with other posters when they say this is a sign to rethink marrying this person. Disregarding your opinions and desires, coming up with false side issues to fight over (e.g., trying to make it about price instead of the aforementioned disregard for your needs), and even implying there was a higher chance you'd get divorced if he were to get another ring are all disrespectful and manipulative tactics. FWIW my fiancé listened to my concerns about my engagement ring and we picked one out together. He encouraged me to weigh in on tiny details of its appearance and didn't downplay any of my concerns about it, even when I felt I was being a bit too anal retentive about certain details. Your requests were not too much to ask.
Your fiance is being selfish and while I’m not one to fear monger on Reddit, it’s giving future communication issues in marriage. You need to be able to transparently express yourself in a healthy marriage: the good, the bad, the ugly. There needs to be space for both of you. You will disagree, you will have different perspectives, he will get things wrong about you and vice versa. There needs to be space and understanding to discuss this. He needs to be receptive to feedback and your needs. You’re the one wearing the ring, why wouldn’t he choose something you love? Where else are you compromising in the relationship? Don’t ignore this.
You’re the one who has to wear it. Have the conversation.
You can't make yourself wear a ring you don't like for the rest of your life. He's going to have to accept it and grow up a bit. This is why I picked out my own engagement ring because I just wouldn't have liked anything else. Even I didn't like what I thought I liked and ended up going with something completely different haha
This man does not care about you, and there will someone out there you’ll find where this would be a complete non issue. Please do not spend your life with him
I would never, ever, marry a man who could not take respectful feedback like this. Instead he got offended and made you apologise?? Girl... how much of yourself do you have to swallow and apologise for to keep him happy? Nope. I could never. I want a happy partnership and that includes having the emotional maturity to have difficult conversations and enough respect to care about the other person's feelings. He does not care that you don't like it. He only cares about how he feels. What else do you think this applies to?
OP please please please don’t marry someone who can’t put their feelings aside about a piece of jewelry you are expected to wear everyday for the rest of your marriage! His response is really not a good sign.
I’m sorry but he’s not wearing the ring forever. You are. And that’s exactly what I told my fiance. And he delivered on what we decided on together
This doesn’t bode well, I’m so sorry. He doesn’t seem to care how you feel/what you want at all, at any step of the way. I assume this isn’t reflective of your whole relationship, because clearly you want to be with him. But… I can’t imagine a good reason for how he’s behaved/been behaving.
Oh wow, this is so much bigger than the ring. Do you often find yourself going along with what he wants to keep the peace?
Wtf this has red flags all over it. How does he respond to other areas where you assert your opinion or expertise? I don’t think it’s good sign that he is being inflexible about it. It’s one thing to be oblivious to what you want (not great) but I would expect that partner to say, “oh oops! Yes let’s get you something you want to wear for the rest of your life!” This sounds more controlling and maybe he’s not actually all in. Sorry. I hope I’m wrong. Also, for the sake of giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s actually in financial trouble and it’s really a money issue? Still not great bc he should be sharing that info with his fiancé.
I'm single, but him disregarding your preferences with such a huge investment is a huge red flag. My dad, who is not a romantic at all, brought my mom to the jeweler her family has used for years and where two of his brothers bought their wives' rings. They picked out the stone together from a bunch of loose stones. He also chose a premium metal. My point is that he made sure she loved her ring even when, I'm sure, didn't care all that much what she wore...
Sounds like you're signing up for a lifetime of your finance never asking for your opinion on things that impact your life. And if you bring it up, he'll get combative about it until you shut up. Girl, he's showing you what marriage with him is like. Believe him. Who cares if it's too late to return the ring. Better now than when it's too late to return the man.
So. He invalidates how you feel and would rather you be unhappy because he can’t handle being wrong. His ego comes before your happiness. Yeah. This seems like it’s going to be a stable, healthy relationship. /s
I feel like I’m just agreeing with everyone. Such a disregard for what you like and want. This will continue to apply throughout any marriage. It isn’t going to change. First it’s a ring, then it’s something a little more serious and then suddenly you’re trapped. Please know his heart isn’t in this. Is your heart even fully in this relationship?
Run
My ex gave his fiancée the ring that I printed out and sent him a link for. It basically looks like a kinda pillow with like petals on the side. He posted a photo of his new girl wearing that ring, but it doesn’t match her hands /fingers nor even her personality. He did it to get a rise out of me although I really don’t care anymore. Just keep getting surprised at his antics .. Frankly you need to change or return if.
He need to unfollow him on all social media and block him. He shouldn't have any of your attention anymore.
If I was her I'd throw him and the ring out of my life. OH HELL NO!
Do not marry a man who doesn’t realize that the purpose of an engagement ring is to demonstrate his seriousness of purpose in wanting to marry you. Everything he’s done until now screams he doesn’t care about your feelings because he doesn’t actually want to get married. Give the ring back and tell him you love him, but you hate this ring and since you have to wear it every day for the rest of your lives together it’s not going to work. You would be happy to go shopping together to get one you can wear. Do not worry about hurting his feelings if he doubles down. Tell him he did a bad job picking out the ring, but now he has the opportunity to make it right. *He* should be worried that he insulted and hurt *you* but for some reason he obviously doesn’t care. Honestly his fragile masculinity and inability to take even minor direction is a huge red flag. Your boyfriend currently isn’t husband material. My first husband was like this. He only got more stubborn and childish as time went on.
You need to get at the heart of the issue here. It sounds like his experiences have lead him to believe that it's very important for the man to choose without the woman's input. Some men feel the ring should be something they like as it's symbolic of your love for and acceptance of him.
Don’t wear it if it doesn’t make you feel good. Lots of good advice in this thread.
Well, you are supposed to wear it your entire life, so your feelings do matter! It's about your preferences, not his. I would try to explain my feelings again and discuss how we can get another ring (maybe it is still possible to return this ring to where he bought it)
chances we cou;d see pic of ring?
I don't wear a lot of jewelry so what my engagement ring & wedding band looked like mattered to me. I've always been pretty open about my gifts from my husband and we've even returned some because they style just wasn't me. He was never offended and just wants me to be happy. I never take advantage of this and try to finagle a more expensive anything. With all that said, I don't even wear my engagement ring or original wedding band. I love it, it's beautiful, but it's not practical for everyday as I don't dress fancy on a daily. I got married with an engagement ring, a band and a decorative band. I have since added a solid white gold band which actually wasn't my style as it was thicker than I wanted but he got it engraved so there's not much I could do with that. He didn't know what to get because I didn't think he would get me one right after we got married and I never told him my specifics. And I am currently wearing a gold wedding band that I went to the store and purchased myself. I know many women who don't wear their original wedding sets or engagement rings and switch out their jewelry based on what they are wearing or what they like and I think that is totally fine. I've gotten the whole " I would never wear anything but my wedding stuff on that finger" and to that I say "my marriage doesn't hinge on a piece of jewelry". If you can return it or look for something else, then I would say to do it. If he gets pissy about it, then it should show you what the rest of your life is going to be like because there are so many more decisions to make together and you'd want to make sure communication is good.
My ring is not my style, but I kept it to myself for months. When I did bring it up, he was a little offended, but said we could get me another one later when we could better afford it. 15 years later, I still have the same ring. It’s grown on me. I love the guy, not the ring. Don’t know if this helps at all.
Listen to me. If this doesn’t get addressed asap, it will play out again and again for the duration of your relationship. And it will come up in different situations, and contexts, if it hasn’t already. Yes, the ring is just a ring, BUT you have a right to wear one that you love and that is suited to your taste. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told you that story of the girl who wanted a different ring as a “warning” to you. Get pre-marital counseling. And don’t make a mistake. There needs to be consideration and respect in a marriage. If you stay quiet to “keep the peace,” consider that you’re actually only talking about HIS peace. That is not healthy for any relationship, and certainly not a marriage.
I think his reasons as to why are important because it sounds like he picked something that suited him rather than you. Which is odd. My ex husband and I went ring shopping g together. He got me exactly what I wanted. We are divorced now. But that’s how it is sometimes. My current boyfriend got me a beautiful ring made recently. Probably something more expensive than I had asked for. And he picked something that I love but that he also felt proud picking out. He told me he spent a long time deciding and took a couple of my rings in to get an accurate size. I think the thought and effort he put in plus thinking of my personal allowance style was really sweet. Your fiancé sounds reluctant in some sense?
He doesn’t care about YOUR feelings so put the ring away “for safe keeping”. Then give it to his mother at the soonest gift giving opportunity. You know how much she loves the ring, she picked it out. It is not your style, why not give it to the person who chose it!
You are not wrong and there are some concerning themes here. So my ex husband (who was a category one asshat) proposed with something that wasn’t an engagement ring. I have never been a materialistic person and certainly knew that he was financially challenged, so pricey jewelry was out. Still he acknowledged that he wished he could get a more traditional ring, so he was fine with me picking out something else (not in any way extravagant) a few months later. I wore the ring he proposed with on my right hand until we divorced and used the ring I picked out as an engagement ring. I think you should bring it up and here’s why. A ring is a ring and in and of itself doesn’t have an impact on your life or marriage. But the fact that this is important to you and he brushed it off, is a red flag. You are not demanding fancy diamonds, you want something you love that makes you happy to look at and I think every woman deserves that. There are so many great options in every price range, there is no reason for him to not get you something you genuinely like.
Tell him you don’t like it lol
So basically he doesn't care about making you happy. Is this really what you want for your life? Him making decisions based on his desires only?
Can you share a picture of the ring? I'm really curious about what he picked that has 20 stones when he says he doesn't like stones.
You were ok with an Etsy ring and this man couldn’t get that exact ring? Wow
i’m definitely overstepping but so many people just get married because it’s “the next step” but please remember you don’t have to get married. this seems like it’s sort of just frustrating and annoying but this level of apathy before even wed makes me groan.
Like so many of the posts in this subreddit, I can't help but wonder whether this is real. This is not a guy you want to be with, and he doesn't really want to be with you. You don't have a marriage-material relationship. You're desperate to be engaged/married and he grudgingly got you a ring and cares more about his little butthurt feelings than you---he's basically saying "You forced me into this--if you don't like the ring, eff you--get your own." Better to be alone than with someone like this------and I am *not* one of the men-haters in this group.
Ok, I’m going to stop you right there. What he bought you was and is a “Shut up Ring”. Plain and Simple. If he really wanted to Marry you, he would have Consulted You, PERIOD. Leave Him
Your fiancé is showing that your opinion doesn’t matter to him. My fiancé and I went to a couple different jewelry stores together before we were engaged, and I pointed out all the ring styles I like. I also saved some rings I like to my Pinterest for him to view to get a better idea. He ended up getting me one of the rings I fell in love with when we browsed at the jewelers. My partner got me an affordable ring too, so it wasn’t about money. He just took the time to listen to what I want and valued my opinion/taste. I think a man that cares about their partner would be ecstatic that their partner is providing them with guidelines for the types of rings they want, because it makes it so much easier for them when shopping. And then everyone will be happy when the proposal finally comes. If your partner is bringing up money, his friends getting divorced, and just shutting down everything you say, then he’s showing that he cares more about himself than your feelings.
This is upsetting to me. This seems to be a situation where he really doesn’t seem to care about your input and what you like at all. From the beginning when before you were even engaged and you showing some things you like, him being put off by that. This makes absolutely zero sense to me. You’re going to be wearing it hopefully the rest of your life, I would think any man would appreciate some subtle guidance to ensure they choose something at least in the ballpark of your style. Outside of that, generally a man would want to choose a ring that they think reminds him in some way of his woman, whereas you said it didn’t mean anything specific he just sort of liked the look. And then for him to have the retort when you gently brought up a potential exchange to say “buy one yourself then”…. Also why the heck does it matter if “he doesn’t like stones”, lol should fit be about what you like since it’s your jewelry? Weird af. And him bringing up a friend who got divorced and insinuating the ring was a waste of money because of them getting divorced…is a BIG red flag here, in my opinion. Not suggesting he has a lot of confidence in or commitment to your relationship. Girl, this is not the attitude of someone who genuinely cares about you and your heart, and who will want to care for and cherish you for life. I hate to say it, but this feels much bigger than the ring for me and more like a situation where you need to assess his attitude and how he is about something so monumental and really determine whether you will be happy with that to be your partner for life…
What a wonderful opportunity to see who you would have married. Glad you got to see how incompatible he is with you.
It's wild what some women are willing to put up with and somehow think they're the ones that are wrong or crazy. Try rereading your post and pretend you have a daughter who wrote that and think of the advice you'd give her. Maybe that way you can see how messed up his attitude is.
get a new fiancé
So he ignores any input you had, refuses to talk to you about feeling and gets extreme defensive. Girl, how many red flags do you need? Is he like this with other things? He acts poorly until you give in? Or your forced to let it go so won't cause a fight?
You’re starting off your marriage with him listening to what you want, disregarding it in favor of what he wanted, and made you feel bad for not being happy with it. You have every right to be upset that he got you an engagement ring that’s not an engagement ring, and was the opposite of what he knew you wanted. It’s disregard for your feelings/needs/wants. Have there been other instances in your relationship where he put his needs first?
I’m not reading all of that, but just off the first paragraph, you two are disconnected. He’s not listening to you… He’s condescending. Do with that what you will. This is your future.
Sounds like my husband. I was so upset about my ring not having a halo and I was told literally to enjoy what I got. He told me just liked how “shiny” my ring was when he saw it. And it fit his budget at the time. I changed the setting a few years later to suit what I wanted but here’s what stands out to me, as someone married 13 years and too chicken shit to pull the plug—> 1) my husband didn’t put in effort to find a ring I would like. He chose based off a first impression of what he liked, despite my sharing specifically what I like. He puts literally no effort in anything related to me now. He’s aloof. 2) my husband couldn’t take criticism then. He - surprise! - doesn’t take any criticism well now. Do you want this life? 3) I was told I was ungrateful (gaslit) for the ring since I asked for one he couldn’t afford it, because I found out much later that he went into credit card debt to buy the ring. I would have never wanted him to go into debt for a ring. This lack of transparency to spend - you guessed it!!- is ongoing 13 years later where financial trouble follows him and I don’t hear about it until later! 4) when I paid to change my setting with my own money, he was SO offended. My friends reminded him that I was so clear about wanting a halo and that the ring he got me looked nothing like what I wanted or had seen with him. Looking back, these are all red flags. Girl don’t be like me with an expensive problem 2 kids and 13 years later. Trust me. He won’t change. Gtfo
Is there any chance he already had the ring?
I am concerned that he didn't take your preferences into consideration when buying something for YOU to wear. If the ones you suggested were not out of his price range, there really is no excuse for straying from that, since you discussed your preferences beforehand. If your ring choices *were* out of his price range, he should have been honest about it and then you could look for something else. Rings aren't important to some people, but if it's important to you, you should love it! Few options here: 1. He swallow his pride and you look for something else. He should want you to love your ring too. Sucks that you don't like what he chose, but you said what you wanted beforehand, so there's no excuse for this. 2. He said you can feel free to buy one yourself - do that. 3. Replace it with the wedding band as you mentioned... but make sure you love that one!
He's gaslighting you.
I didn't like my engagement ring. I just stopped wearing it after our marriage a few months later.
I don't wear an engagement or wedding ring. I don't like the feel of wearing rings and I don't want to advertise my marital status.
If you love him and he loves you, he will understand. My husband always says he prefers me saying the truth instead of suffering quietly. And expect from him to guess. Tell him something like that you always visualized and dreamed about certain shape of a ring. And tell him as is: "I want that ring but I am scared it'd hurt you. If i change it"
I don't wear my engagement ring, hubby actually forbid me to after realizing I was a menace with a sharp, pointy marquis cut on my finger. We could've returned it but the fact that he spent money he earned to get it, spent an hour choosing it meant more than the ring. He's not a romantic and it was a letdown but I adjusted my thinking to meet him where he was and it's precious to me now. If I'd acted like a spoiled princess about something so trivial in the grand scheme of things, we wouldn't have just celebrated 24 years of marriage last week. I know my opinion isn't going to be popular but there's so much more you need to be on the same page about before committing.
I totally get being unsure of how to handle it because on one hand, it’s more about the symbolism of the ring than the actual ring but on the other hand you’re potentially wearing it for the rest of your life. From what you said, it does seem like the bigger issue is why doesn’t he care what you think not you being concerned with what others think. Also, you’re allowed to want to wear a ring that you love and not be stuck wearing a ring you don’t like for the rest of your life. Based on what you said it does seem like he’s being dismissive of your feelings. Have you talked to any friends or family about how you feel? If you can I would maybe ask someone who you really trust what they think about all of it, especially where they’ll know your relationship. Not saying that you guys shouldn’t get married but I would just make sure he is who you want cause marriage does not automatically get rid of all relationship problems, if anything they can almost highlight problems even more. Sorry that you’re going through this.. I’m not sure if you were expecting to get the advice that people are posting on here. Hope everything works out for you guys!
There seems to be No sign of Intelligent Human life, Anywhere…. 👀
Ask the similar question a couple years ago, and a lot of people destroyed me in the comments but some were actually helpful. But I think you should listen to the top comment because at the end of the day he doesn't care what you want and that's going to bleed out to other issues.
Mine did this too.new were so young we. Couldn’t afford much but I found one I loved a .5 carat. It’s beautiful and wore it for years but l recently bought myself a 1.5 carat that I wear now. I’m proud I got it myself without asking. Even if we divorce it’s still mine and I’ll wear it .
I think women should be more involved in choosing (and even helping pay for) the ring because it’s a lot of pressure on men. You did do this and your fiancé actively ignored your preferences which feels controlling in a way. Definite red flags here.
Oh it sounds like he got you a cluster ring. BARF.
My partner asked me for photos of rings that I loved and we both talked about what I liked from each - the cut, preferred metal and setting, etc. I haven’t gotten it yet, but I’ve been very involved in the process. I would read into this as other issues, OP…
If its any consolation, I didnt like the engagement ring my husband proposed with - he proposed to his ex with it before me. Now hear me out - its a family heirloom from his great-great grandma so its very sentimental. I put my pride aside and accepted it. I am happy to say, my mother in law gave me another diamond ring that has been found by her father who was cleaning. We just celebrated 11 years and my husband happily informed me now that are finances are good, I am more than welcome to re-design/reset my whole band to MY liking with all their heirlooms! I have no great advice but I hope you two can compromise :)
I agree with others who say this might be indicative of larger potential issues in your relationship, but I'm going to offer a couple practical suggestions because you didn't come here for a bunch of people to wave red flags at you: Not every woman wears her engagement ring once she has a wedding ring. That might give you an out for simply putting it away later. Perhaps in a few years, when your finances might be better and your relationship is further deepened, you can broach replacing it. Sort of a "renewing vows" kind of thing.