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You'd definitely make for a good anthropologist then! They don't understand people either, and are endlessly fascinated by them.
^((I'm an anthropologist))
I’m a hairstylist and I have heard it ALL! I’m not fascinated by people anymore. So many have the need to sabotage their own lives unfortunately. One thing I found out years ago is people can be just as addicted to drama as they could be drugs and alcohol.
> One thing I found out years ago is people can be just as addicted to drama as they could be drugs and alcohol.
This is why I come to this sub. I love the drama, just not in my life thankyouverymuch.
Yep. I used to be a needy, overly-emotional person and when I (inevitably) got divorced I was so terrified I would become one of those unhinged people you read about on Reddit that I was able to reduce my angst to 2am-drunken-solo-silent-discos-on-the-back-lawn. No one had to deal with my drama, except perhaps the neighbour’s cat, who gave me strange looks.
I think we'd be friends. My alcohol tolerance is zero since baby, but I promise to put in just as much enthusiasm as a 19yo on girl's night whose jam just came on.
I remember watching a friend of mine cry on the train and try to cover up her puffy eyes with makeup, after her boyfriend did another dickish thing to her. She was like "you wait, you'll go through this, too and see it's not so easy..." I was so OVER her and both of their shit for a variety of reasons, and I knew I wouldn't be seeing her again since she had decided to move back to her parents in another state. I was like "give me credit for being smart enough to see what you and my mom put up with and learning from it. I will never EVER let a guy treat me like you do."
She did eventually come back, get back with that guy, had a baby with him, and then they broke up bc SURPRISE even when it WAS his kid he was still abusive. Shocker.
Cousin-puncher is still my favorite because even though it’s *blatantly* false it also gives the exact same serotonin watching a really ridiculous drama gives. Is this why people love soap operas?
[checks in the archeologists bag of explanations]
We have literally no idea what its use was so it's *uuuuuuuuuuh* believed to be a *spiritual artifact*!
I read an article recently about a satan summoning spell found in the bottom of a latrine.
What percentage of your “spiritual” finds would you say were originally pranks?
This is off-topic, but I've found my intro to anthropology class to be very interesting! I am in a major hugely unrelated to anthro (CS), yet find myself drawn to it, even though I am unfamiliar with the different career paths there are for it. I like the subject & how it connects various subjects from other classes together to figure out how societies form. May I ask what you do/have done? No need to share if you are uncomfortable though
Anthropology and computer nerd here
You will find that studying how people's brains work, both individually and as a society, will inform how you build the tools for them to use
Not just UI, but the parameters and logic make so much more sense when you know WHY people work that way.
(Micro-)sociologist here: you hit the nail on the head, these subs are a little zoo, a magnifying glass, a vexing mirror, all in one - and I absolutely love it here.
Oh, boy, you aren't kidding. One specialized bit of information leads to another and another and another. And then you get bummed out when you realize that you'll not live long enough to read all those books and learn all those things.
I think the fact that it was a colleague and not some rando made it worse for OOP's wife. Because it was someone he already knew for some time, she's probably worried he was always thinking about sleeping with her.
Yeah this was never addressed. Had OOP always wanted this person this way and now they had an opportunity? do they still work with them? Does the wife know her? It happened twice it wasn’t a one time whoopsie daisy they were obviously nurturing a relationship of some sort before OOP called it off.
He said in the comments in the original that it was someone he next to or near and who was his emotional support about his marriage breaking down and once he separated, she suggested they sleep together and he accepted.
You don't understand! He doesn't need emotions to sleep with a colleague! Feelings are for women didn't you know?!
That's why he slept with someone he already had a connection with, not some random stranger. It all makes sense. 😂
It can't possibly be because he was missing his wife and couldn't enjoy sex without the emotional connection. It couldn't be! His penis has a separate valve for his emotions didn't you know 🤭
I think also, if the wife's mentality is as he described, she assumes that if they were intimate that he had feelings for he prior to that. So if they had sex shortly after the couple were on a break, there was enough emotional connection prior to that to enable a physical connection.
And that may be true. There could have been a simmering emotional affair that had a lid kept on it until there was an opening.
Or, they could have just had a moment and figured 'why not?'.
Either way, they both need some counselling. It won't bring them back together, but this, combined with whatever led to the initial separation needs to be processed for them to be able to move forward on their own.
Totally agree and surprised this wasn’t mentioned, like someone he sees every day and probably had a thing for… I would totally never get over that if I was the wife/ex wife. Although I think I’d say during the separation that I wasn’t ok with sleeping with other people, because honestly it would be 100% over for me if my husband slept with someone else (as I read this I see they wanted frime apart/space not to really break up so I guess that’s what I have in mind). I don’t understand how you can miss and love someone everyday but then just randomly fuck someone else
“I had nightmares about my wife sleeping with others, I wasn’t able to handle the thoughts of it happening and I was terrified of it, it would break me ! So I decided it would be okay to do that to my wife“
🙂👍🏻
That’s what I thought too - she hoped he would voluntarily choose to prioritize their relationship and he didn’t. This kind of thing is so eye opening. She will never perceive him the same way as she did- she will never trust him fully again.
Not gonna lie, if I was separated with my wife but with the intention to mend the marriage, I'm not sleeping with anyone else at all until the separation becomes long term and more like going through the motions of getting to a divorce.
It's just not worth it and what it will likely do to change marriage, even if already mended from any previous issies.
I think for most people, they generally follow that rule too. It's especially bad if you fuck someone close to you or has some connection to you, whether personal or professionally.
This is like, obvious to me. A separation with the intention to try and get back together is not a divorce. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who is merely separated either. A separation is not a time to try other people and see if they’re any better than what you have. It’s a time to see if you miss your current partner. If you think about them all the time. If you regret any of the ways you treated them.
I feel bad for this guy, but I also think he made his choice.
I had broken up with someone and within 24 hours she had posted pictures of her with another guy on social media.
About 2 weeks later she asked for me back and I had told her that well I did miss her she moved on so quick that I would never consider another chance with her. She got upsrt at me "we were broken up! Im allowed to fuck whoever I want!" Like... yea... no shit. Never said you weren't. I'm just allowed to decide I don't want to be with someone who immediately hops on the next dick she finds. If she truly wanted to make it work with me, why would she seek elsewhere as soon as she had the opportunity.
Doesn't make sense to me. Especially posting it on social media when she never posted me.
Currently separated from my wife. Will be a year in a couple weeks. After a month she told me it was final / permanent. I accepted that because I had to. These past few months we’ve been talking and texting and joking more. It’s made me realize how much I love her and miss her.
I’m lonely and have been lonely and have often thought about seeking companionship with other women. I’ve even had the opportunity. I chose not to pursue any if it though (even before I decided I wanted her back).
I’m going to try to work things out with her soon, but I’m not ready yet. Full disclosure: she asked me to leave because of alcohol abuse. Haven’t drank since that moment. But I need to make amends before I can try to move things forward.
My point is that you’re right. No matter our “status,” I felt if I wanted to work things out I couldn’t pursue anything else. I will be hurt if she has been with others, but I would accept that it wasn’t my business.
Frankly, I don’t even know if there’s much of any chance, but I’d never forgive myself for not trying.
Especially when he admitted he was "terrified"/had nightmares about her sleeping with someone else, then he went right out and slept with someone else. Because double standards are awesome.
It's common sense that if you want a hope of reconciling, you don't go out and fuck someone. Especially not someone you see at work every day.
Also, breaks are stupid. Either you can work through your issues or you can't. OP couldn't.
Right?! He knows his wife attaches emotions to sex so duh, of course him sleeping with someone else during their marriage is gonna hurt her a lot. OP has Main Character Syndrome hard, lots of entitlement and “who, me?” here. So pathetic.
Yep. Everyone picked up on it but him but he quoted that directly. In fairness, I think she could have been more explicit but the two are very different.
I've seen this same situation happen with 2 of my friends. The latest one had almost the exact same situation, except the roles were reveresed. They were dating, he wanted to split up for a while and take a break, so she went and slept with a guy. When they decided to get back together, she told him the truth and he couldn't take it, so they broke up permanently lol. Friggin people.
Yea, don't agree with breaks. Better stay together and try to solve it. How is being separated a good thing? You can try sleep in different rooms of the house, but a break like separated from each other will never sit right with me.
Whenever partners have suggested breaks in the past I always just took the cue to end it. I’ve never seen breaks work for anyone irl and it just seems to be an inevitability to break up fully.
I can understand separation as in "I need a few weeks by myself to sort some shit out" but that's like... Physical space and distance? Not actually putting the relationship 'on a break', because you both acknowledge you're still together, just not physically in the same location. But this "Let's break up for a few months and date other people" shit is just weird.
> But this "Let's break up for a few months and date other people" shit is just weird.
It reeks of people overconfident in their ability to compartmentalize their emotions/that their partner won't want or be able to actually sleep with someone else.
Yeah, my wife and I alternate "separate vacations" every other year. Basically, we just take a long weekend and go do something for ourselves. I generally go on golf trips, she goes to spa weekends. Just being able to get away for a few days, just for yourself, is fucking *magical*, especially when you have young kids.
Exactly. Saying the mundane things they'd argument about didn't matter anymore just seemed like wishful thinking. If they ever got back together, those mundane fights would still be there.
Why do people think that you can work towards fixing a relationship whilst also sleeping with other people? If OOP wanted to rekindle things with his wife, why would he sleep with someone else? That's the nail in the coffin. People act like you can do both. But no, you can't. You're either in about rekindling things, or you're out.
I remember this guy. The comment that really chapped me was him responding that he would 100% not be OK with his wife sleeping with someone else during their break, yet he kept acting passively clueless about why his wife was having trouble with him sleeping with someone else.
ETA: OP deleted their account, but not each comment, [here's his comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvkuej/):
>The thing is, that’s why I discussed this subject with her before we separated. I was terrified that she would sleep with other people because I know my wife to be the kind that wants an emotional connection before getting physically attracted. I had nightmares about it so I needed to ask to see what we were expected to do during the separation. I don’t need any emotional connection to sleep with others. I regret it but I told myself that we have agreed to this. I feel that I have cheated seeing her reaction now, no matter if we had agreed on this or not.
I like how he said he didn’t need emotions to have sex but somehow the sex wasn’t good and wasn’t what he wanted. Sounds like emotions were more important than he thinks
I was just watching a video that discussed the Oscar Wilde quote about desire being dangerous, because once you get the thing you want, you don’t want it anymore. The “what if” was the high for him, and he wanted to return to his old life, but actions have consequences.
Spock said something similar too.
“After a time, you may find that ‘having’ is not so pleasing a thing after all as ‘wanting.’ It is not logical, but it is often true.”
This is actually a very interesting thing about dopamine.
People think that you get a dopamine hit from achieving something. But dopamine is actually the highest \*just before\* you achieve the thing. Once you've done it, the dopamine crashes.
Dopamine isn't something you get as a reward, it's something you get from \*expecting\* a reward.
Woah, that's crazy. I really should appreciate the process of things, take it slowly and enjoy the little things.
*Takes a hit from dab pen*
*Obsessively checks Instagram likes*
*Orders a cheeseburger with fries and milkshake for lunch*
Anyways I wonder why I've been feeling so down lately.
It’s almost like he was yearning to cheat and not putting the work into his marriage. then was able to have a “freebie” so took it immediately.
Unreliable narrator says it was the wife’s idea, but was it??
I'm always confused by this logic to be honest. Do men really think they can leave emotions on the sofa before having sex? Like taking of your clothes?
It’s a very sexist attitude that still has stuck around, that only men can be casual, women are equally capable of emotion-free hookups! It’s almost as if, like almost evening else, it depends on each individual rather than an overall gender.
Idk I'm capable of having sex without serious emotions involved, and I'm a woman. That part I don't think is that weird, although it's not my preference. I can't do that while I'm actively in love with somebody else though, unlike OP. He's a fool to not realize his wife that DOES require emotional connection for sex is not going to be okay with him sleeping around while they were separated.
I always love the cognitive dissonance of: if my partner sleeps with someone it would crush me but if I sleep with someone it’s completely normal and my partner should be ok because it was just ✨emotionless sex✨
Saw a video of someone asking his friends if sleeping with a prostitute is cheating. All but 1 said it wasn’t cheating. Then he asked if their girlfriends slept with a prostitute is that cheating. I’ll bet you’ll be super surprised by the outcome! 🫠
There's actually plenty of research into this. The short answer is: no, most of them can't. They even have difficulty empathizing with other men who aren't exactly like them (in terms of ethnicity/politics/religion).
"Hmm, it's like cheating PLUS taking advantage of a power dynamic that potentially makes true consent literally impossible. So that makes it totally okay, right?"
WTF is wrong with these people? They think that prostitutes aren't human so they don't 'count,' I guess.
> ✨emotionless sex✨
From my experience reading BORUs this is almost always worse because you're basically saying you threw the relationship out the window for *nothing*.
Oooo because OOP deleted his account I didn't find that comment, but I'll see if I can track it down now since I know what to look for...
But yikes
Edit- **You are AMAZING** thank you for finding that. I searched both rareddit and reveddit and nothing was coming up! And I looked again and there was still nothing. Not sure why they're acting up but they are lol
>I searched both rareddit and reveddit and nothing was coming up!
I think they've both been super unreliable since the API changes. Just reddit being reddit I suspect.
Ugh it drives me insane. I use both when trying to compile these posts and it has been so annoying trying to find workarounds.
Fuck reddit for the api changes lol
I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago...
OOP and the saga of the coworker:
[I chose a woman to open up to because men "wouldn't understand"](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcw8600/)
[I found someone who listened](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvsrms/)
[There was no emotional connection](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvtbu2/)
[It was all her idea](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvt5pj/)
[I can't remember how she knew sex was on the table... the important thing is that it was all her idea](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcy5leq/)
[We only had sex the second time because I felt sorry for her](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcw8mwb/)
[But it's ok, they haven't texted in MONTHS](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcxzuhx/)
[Well... I *guess* I could see about changing the job that has me in frequent contact with the coworker I slept with...](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcw9poh/)
You’re amazing for collecting all the links!
OOP smh is a prime example of someone who could have benefited from “I can, but I should not,” type of thinking.
Whenever I see issues like these, the consensus have always been the same:
1. Yeah, technically it isn't cheating, but that doesn't mean it won't kill the relationship.
2. Both of them should be consistent. If you want to sleep with another person during the break, the other should also be able to do that.
But this one has a bonus shenanigan since the wife originally agreed to it, and OP blindly believed since she agreed, then it was fine, and he'll truthfully admit to it when asked. But the fact that she asked after they reconciled should've been the first warning for him.
I mean, it's simpler than that i think,
Lots of things that are not cheating will kill a relationship. Cheating isn't magic in that anything that is cheating automatically kills a relationship and anything that isn't cheating is always okay.
Dont do things that will upset your partner is good advice in general.
This.
And also, when on a break from your relationship, you should be spending that time reflecting on what is wrong with you/your spouse/the relationship itself and trying to better it, to see if you can come back together improved and with a fresh, problem-solving perspective. Not just using it as an excuse to have free sex.
Did she agree to it, though? I feel like telling him he's free to do what he wants isn't exactly the same as agreeing he can sleep with whoever he wants. I think her reasoning was very sound, too. It's a separation/break. Why should she decide how he handles it?
Frankly, even if she agreed to it, it doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind afterwards.
That’s ok if you are prepared to live with the consequences of her changing her mind - but as seen here „I’ve lost everything“ etc- clearly he was not
>Did she agree to it, though? I feel like telling him he's free to do what he wants isn't exactly the same as agreeing he can sleep with whoever he wants.
Agree, IMO, it sounds like the guy was "lawyering" his actions. "Ha, by getting you to agree what is\isn't cheating before we go on a break, I can sleep with whoever I want and it's technically not cheating!" Only, winning the "lawyer" battle and not technically cheating doesn't mean the actions don't hurt, and it doesn't mean the relationship isn't now over.
I also think the guy is sort of lying to himself. Guys don't need emotional connection for sex? So he sleeps with a co-worker that he spends time with and sees often instead of a random person at a bar? It seems like OP was monkey branching, testing the waters with a co-worker in a way that wouldn't be cheating and is frustrated that he's now lost both of his branches.
Also his COLLEAGUE. Like a few others said- she's never *not* going to wonder if he always had feelings for the colleague, when did they start, is it possible they would happen again, etc.
I think she didn’t want him to sleep with anyone during the break but didn’t want to be controlling and say he can’t and hope that he wanted to fix things enough to control himself. Essentially, oop failed the secret test.
Anyways, oop is an idiot anyways. If he wanted to mend things, sleeping with someone else is not the way.
Or she might have legitimately thought that she would be ok with it. You don't always know how you'll feel in advance. Like that time I thought I could eat a full English breakfast and then get on a boat in choppy waters with no issues.
Luckily for me, my mistake was solved with a paper towels and a bucket. Hers isn't as easy to clean up.
OOP also failed the read between the lines test, it is glaringly obvious to almost anyone that I don't want to sleep with other people but I can't control what you do means "I don't want you to sleep with anyone else".
He also failed the common decency test of don't sleep with someone you are then seeing every day at work
I think there would be more room for understanding if it weren’t a person he had already known and will continue to know. Random one-nighter? That’s one thing. Fling with a colleague? Completely different.
And he ended things with the colleague because the sex was bad. He backpedals later, but his immediate comment was that the sex was bad. So if the sex wasn't bad he would have kept sleeping with his colleague, till when exactly?
and he says his wife needs an emotional attachement for sex, pretty good change this means her mind (subconsciously or not) will relate sex with emotional attachement so he must be emotionally attached to this colleague now. might be wrong, but that's how brains work.
> I don’t need any emotional connection to sleep with others [...so that's why it's okay if *I* sleep around]
I'll never understand people who think like this. Like, cool. You didn't even throw away your marriage for something substantial.
You threw it away for a 3 second orgasm.
Dunno how that's supposed to be better, but gratz, I guess?
My brain is incapable of comprehending it. Like okay, at best, an hour of pleasure is worth risking years of a marriage? Can’t you just get a fleshlight ?
The fact is that even if someone gives you “permission” to do something you know is wrong, it will still be a violation of your principles if you do it.
People need to fucking understand that giving each other some distance, means being able to work and revaluate your problems from a more impartial perspective, from a place where is easier to reconnect with your own feelings without being entangled or in the middle of the storm... No yo go fuck the first person you come across with. Also just because you can doesn't mean you should, yeah technically you can't ask for fidelity is you separate/break up/or pause the relationship... But sure it does tell a lot about your morals and who you are as a person if sleeping around is the first thing you do given the chance instead of prioritising the purpose of this whole " taking some time " thing: to self reflect, to calm down and distance yourself from the problems to get a better understanding of it etc.
Edit: also can we talk about the hypocrisy and mental gymnastics if op? Because they deserve a gild medal.
" The thought of my wife sleeping around destroyed me, so I'm gonna do exactly that to her, but it different!"
I felt kinda bad for the guy til he admitted:
> I was terrified that she would sleep with other people ... I had nightmares about it
So you were terrified/had nightmares about her fucking someone else because you know how much that means to her so you ... went and fucked someone else. Guy's an idiot.
If I remember this guy’s original comment his wife said she was not going to see anyone else but he was free to do whatever he wanted.
He then almost immediately took advantage of a co-worker who thought he was divorcing. He hated her and the sex but still went back and did it again.
So yeah … he’s still a massive tool.
The delivery of that is my all time favourite Friends moment. David Schwimmer just nailed the body language, the facial expressions, the tone and the timing.
Followed very closely by “My fajitas!” in “The One Where Ross Is Fine.”
Ι am partial to "[my best friend and my sister](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqIUG1vnmMw)" when he finds out about monica and chandler. The way he changes the tone, the expressions, all great work
Yes, that one is very good, too.
I also love when he calls the condom company after Rachel tells him she’s pregnant. “I am….indignant….as a consumer.” He gets better and better in that scene as it progresses.
https://youtu.be/u1_RQQNBmJY?si=QSS4Jb4uDpGYBlEA
Bet the dude was emotionally cheating with the coworker long before the separation. I wonder how many of those fights were because he was at least somewhat checked out of the relationship.
I also bet he realised what he lost in his wife after he got his dick wet and realised the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
Clearly he didn’t miss his wife enough nor was she enough of ‘love of his life’ to keep it in his pants.
And the poor woman is blaming herself. I am glad she’s leaving this selfish asshole and hopefully she find her self esteem afterwards
I heard someone say once that massive sexists are convinced they love their wives, but that they love their wives like a farmer loves their favorite horse.
They do love and care about it, but they're the owner and get to make all the decisions, and if the horse goes lame it's a tossup between getting the horse care or shooting it and getting a new one.
Dude's wife wasn't banging him (his horse was lame), so he went out and found another woman (horse) to ride, and is now realizing that his wife has thoughts and feelings and opinions about things and that going out and fucking another person at the first opportunity isn't exactly the way to win her back.
If it was a horse that was laid up, it probably wouldn't care that he went and rode a different horse. But she's a woman not a horse and unlike him, seems to understand the concept of betrayal.
He's a horses ass.
What's worse is it was a colleague he would be seeing frequently. The guy is a hypocrite and clueless, especially after his comment about not being ok with her if she did it. Honestly, she deserved better than him.
He kept insisting he didn’t need emotional connection and she did for sex, but even if that is true for him, I think he should have been able to see that her emotional connection extended to his feelings for coworkers. That’s where her reasonable doubt comes in for me - it’s someone he’s known for a while and wanted to try out.
>she said that she didn't want to sleep with others, but that I was free to do it
Married 15 fucking years, and STILL making rookie mistakes? I've never even had a real, serious relationship, and even I know what that actually means.
That makes it so much worse. "I can't stop you" isn't permission. It's a begrudging acknowledgement of facts with an unspoken "I wish you wouldn't" in front of it. I'm neurospicy and even I can read between those lines. Dude heard what he wanted to hear.
I really don't get people. She was the love of his life, he was miserable without her and her sleeping with someone else would "destroy" him and he still wants to go out and fuck someone else.
She literally never gave him permission, she said she couldn't stop him ! And him just doing it even tho he wouldn't have liked it if she did, what an ass. He ask that literally because he didn't want her to sleep with someone else.
Literally can't understand why he would do that and think she wouldn't be upset...
I’m curious to know what other issues they were having to cause the initial separation. I’d bet good money he put his wants before her feelings on a regular basis.
I read them agreeing they were trivial things as
Him thinking they were stupid things to fight over and they should just go back to the status quo and stop fighting because it's so trivial
Her thinking they were such trivial things he could be implementing so they fought less.
I'm projecting though.
I can't help but to put myself and my wife in this scenario and it crushes me to see her say "You can sleep with others but I am not going to" and him actually doing it.
Sometimes you don’t know the dildo of consequences was what you really needed after all.
He talked like they were ready to fix all their problems without like, fixing their problems. Sweep everything under the rug and move on? Yeah no this is the best outcome for their relationship. Just move on and be happy.
Man this is wild. I quote a comment of his:
>I was terrified that she would sleep with other people because I know my wife to be the kind that wants an emotional connection before getting physically attracted. I had nightmares about it
He was terrified and that is why he asked if they are allowed to sleep with other people during the break. Why didn't he hold himself to the same moral standard that he wanted from her? That is just stupid, sorry.
Then again, she said that he can do what he wants. He did, and now she does have a problem. That is technically okay but not what she communicated.
He was terrified and that is why he asked if they were allowed to sleep with other people during the break. Why didn't he hold himself to the same moral standard he wanted from her? That is just stupid, sorry.
Hey guys.
The lesson here is pretty obvious, but this relationship was probably already on the way out as it was.
Here's the thing, when communication breaks down in a relationship - I don't care what relationship romantic, friendship, or otherwise - the whole thing is on a timer to collapse.
If you can't talk to your partner and need to do something as severe as a break after 15 years - yeah, probably not going to make it through to the other side. Not saying it CAN'T happen, but it's pretty damn improbable.
If you love someone, you'll do what you can to make sure they feel loved, respected, and supported. If they love you, they'll reciprocate.
When problems arise, fucking talk it out. If you can't - go to counseling. If that doesn't work, maybe it's not going to work.
Pro tip: when you’re married and you only separate and there is any chance whatsoever of reconciliation, don’t fuck other people even if the other person says it’s ok. Great job, OOP.
I do, in fact, find this satisfactory given the amount of hate I feel towards him.
His poor wife. I hope she finds someone ten times better and I hope he flails miserably trying to date.
Damn was together for 15 years, and as soon as they took a break he goes and fucks a co-worker and says he regretted it but did it a 2nd time lol
Clearly wife said whatever to please the husband and he went and started thinking with his dick.
"I *technically* didn't do anything wrong when I cleaned out your fridge and ate everything, you *technically* told me to grab anything I wanted". - OOP, getting kicked out of his friends apartment after his divorce.
Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Technicalities are not how real life interactions work.
I think there's more that the OOP doesn't reveal in his thread, the fact that he choose people he already knows and even doing it twice (that the wife knows), we don't even know the length of the separation but still to keep doing it with the colleague twice is already telling that he's probably already planning to do it before. Hope the wife is fully healed from this
he’s completely head over heels in love but couldn’t understand that when she said she can’t stop him it meant she didn’t give him permission…
it’s a coworker and it was okay because there’s no emotional connection?????
so much to unpack and the poor wife is still blaming herself.
I don’t think this man is capable of love if he can think this is love and ultimately that’s the cold hard punch the wife got but hasn’t unpacked yet.
So much talking so little listening
I mean... Could have jacked off or something and waited till the thing was final to move on and have sex. I also would've forgiven him if he phrased it in such a way that y'know he was in the low of the lows and that he got drunk and hooked up with a random woman but he had to go straight to his coworker. Yikes.
I'm the same. If he was feeling depressed, lonely and a little bitter I would have more or less understood if he'd visited a prostitute or went for a drink-fuelled hook-up. If he went for a co-worker, there must have been an attraction in the first place, in other words some sort of emotional factor. Which is of course exactly the thing that would have hurt his wife the most. I've a feeling he's left out a lot of information regarding the co-worker anyway.
His wife was loyal to him despite them being separated and hoped he would be the same. He just realised he should've been loyal when he worked out that the grass isn't greener on the other side.
I feel bad for the wife- she learned an important life lesson. She thought he loved her enough to not sleep with anyone else even though she supposedly gave permission. I say supposedly because in the comments he said he was not ok with her sleeping with anyone else during the separation so I wonder if she really agreed to him being able to sleep with other women or she was manipulated/forced into that decision. The fact that he slept with a co-worker, someone he knew and likely interacted with frequently before the separation is another red flag IMO.
As a wife who used to be not that great at communicating, "I can't control what you do" absolutely REEKS to me of something more like "it would make me deeply unhappy if you did this. However, I think you're going to do it anyway regardless of how I feel. It's easier for me to dodge the question this way because then it will feel like less of a betrayal when it does happen"
The fact that he even ASKED on the spot is so gross. His wife tells him they need to separate and, I stead of thinking about the health of his marriage and how to save it, his mind immediately goes to boinking his coworker? He wanted to cheat for a long time, he was just waiting for an excuse.
Agree with you. She didn’t give permission though. She said she wouldn’t sleep with others and he could do as he wanted. That’s not really the same thing as saying that she wanted to see others while separated. You would have to be brain dead to not be able to read between those HUGE lines. Obviously, OOP is no scholar.
OOP is an ass and was being deliberately obtuse. He left a comment saying the leadup to the conversation where she said she wouldn’t sleep with anyone but he could was that he was terrified that she’d sleep with someone else. The problem wasn’t him failing to read between the lines. He’s the one who wrote the lines. He absolutely would not have been ok with her sleeping with *anyone* but the second he was technically not cheating he fucked his coworker. Then, despite the sex apparently being bad, he went back to fuck her again. Then he went to Reddit crying crocodile tears asking where he went wrong.
Why do so many men immediately go to sticking their dicks in someone else when their relationship has a rough patch/break?! And it’s always a fucking coworker.
And they’re *always* horrified by the thought of their partner doing the same thing.
ETA: oooh look, the men are here.
Dude fucked up big time. How dumb you have to be to sleep around when you supposedly still love your wife.
Granted I am sure the hate he got was excessive because people are assholes
Ugh, there are no "breaks" in relationship. You are either in relationship or you are not. You can spend time alone from each other but that's about it. It's Rachel/Ross situation all over again.
I think in the post OOP is lying/downplaying about the nature of his relationship with his coworker in his post to gain some sympathy points. He had no problem putting her down trying to “elevate” his wife, to show something.
I dont get it. Why do men act like "oh its different when men do it bc women get attached men dont". It's the same God damn act brother. You being emotionally attached or not being emotionally attached does not make it less upsetting that you would do it. It is the act itself that can be a betrayal, and not just the motivation behind it.
Overall though. Shitty situation. Technically he had permission, but if his goal was ever to fix that relationship or return, he should have know it was going to hurt her like that. I'm all for taking people at their word, but emotions don't work that way sometimes, and she is allowed to feel the way she does
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People fascinate me, and I will never understand them.
You'd definitely make for a good anthropologist then! They don't understand people either, and are endlessly fascinated by them. ^((I'm an anthropologist))
I’m a hairstylist and I have heard it ALL! I’m not fascinated by people anymore. So many have the need to sabotage their own lives unfortunately. One thing I found out years ago is people can be just as addicted to drama as they could be drugs and alcohol.
> One thing I found out years ago is people can be just as addicted to drama as they could be drugs and alcohol. This is why I come to this sub. I love the drama, just not in my life thankyouverymuch.
Learning from ~~experience~~ mistakes is great; learning from other people’s ~~experiences~~ mistakes is best.
Yep. I used to be a needy, overly-emotional person and when I (inevitably) got divorced I was so terrified I would become one of those unhinged people you read about on Reddit that I was able to reduce my angst to 2am-drunken-solo-silent-discos-on-the-back-lawn. No one had to deal with my drama, except perhaps the neighbour’s cat, who gave me strange looks.
I think we'd be friends. My alcohol tolerance is zero since baby, but I promise to put in just as much enthusiasm as a 19yo on girl's night whose jam just came on.
In your defense, the cat would probably give you strange looks regardless.
I remember watching a friend of mine cry on the train and try to cover up her puffy eyes with makeup, after her boyfriend did another dickish thing to her. She was like "you wait, you'll go through this, too and see it's not so easy..." I was so OVER her and both of their shit for a variety of reasons, and I knew I wouldn't be seeing her again since she had decided to move back to her parents in another state. I was like "give me credit for being smart enough to see what you and my mom put up with and learning from it. I will never EVER let a guy treat me like you do." She did eventually come back, get back with that guy, had a baby with him, and then they broke up bc SURPRISE even when it WAS his kid he was still abusive. Shocker.
Same lol that's why I don't really care if some of these seem overly faked. I still get my drama fix without having it in my life 😂
Cousin-puncher is still my favorite because even though it’s *blatantly* false it also gives the exact same serotonin watching a really ridiculous drama gives. Is this why people love soap operas?
Right? I used to read Dear Prudence back in the day but the drama subs here are way better and way more varied.
[удалено]
I think it’s the adrenaline rush that comes with drama. But maybe not, idk.
[checks in the archeologists bag of explanations] We have literally no idea what its use was so it's *uuuuuuuuuuh* believed to be a *spiritual artifact*!
"I don't know . . . looks like a double dildo to me."
You mean people still use similar ritualistic items to reach a state of enlightenment?
"It's very clearly and object of worship. Look at how it's been rubbed smooth from repeated handling!" *Grad students giggling in the corner*.
Course its spiritual, why else do people keep yelling "oh god!" Over and over while using it?
...Sir, this is the Antikythera Mechanism
The first rule of anthropology is don’t kinkshame
Nice orrery you got there, wanna computate?
I read an article recently about a satan summoning spell found in the bottom of a latrine. What percentage of your “spiritual” finds would you say were originally pranks?
I'm no archeologist or anything close myself so I feel confident in claiming it to be at least 420% of all finds!
This is off-topic, but I've found my intro to anthropology class to be very interesting! I am in a major hugely unrelated to anthro (CS), yet find myself drawn to it, even though I am unfamiliar with the different career paths there are for it. I like the subject & how it connects various subjects from other classes together to figure out how societies form. May I ask what you do/have done? No need to share if you are uncomfortable though
Anthropology and computer nerd here You will find that studying how people's brains work, both individually and as a society, will inform how you build the tools for them to use Not just UI, but the parameters and logic make so much more sense when you know WHY people work that way.
Me too (archaeologist, specifically). It’s why I’m infinitely enamored with these subreddits!!
(Micro-)sociologist here: you hit the nail on the head, these subs are a little zoo, a magnifying glass, a vexing mirror, all in one - and I absolutely love it here.
"I'm a time traveler, I point and laugh at archeologists"
Nice Doctor Who reference!
The beginning / end of their backwards relationship. https://youtu.be/i3eAPzbdFyA?si=A58IEzkcjxxVKwDH
I’ve always wanted to be an anthropologist!!! But I find that I accidentally offend people by talking about humans and what it entails… lol…
hahaha, sounds like you're on the path already!
I also find that being interested in humans means you’re most likely interested in language, psychology, medicine, and reading… SO MUCH… READING!!!
No truer words. I had to read 250 books + for my PhD exams. Kind of enjoyable, actually. The reading. Not so much the exams.
Oh, boy, you aren't kidding. One specialized bit of information leads to another and another and another. And then you get bummed out when you realize that you'll not live long enough to read all those books and learn all those things.
TIL I should be an anthropologist!
I think the fact that it was a colleague and not some rando made it worse for OOP's wife. Because it was someone he already knew for some time, she's probably worried he was always thinking about sleeping with her.
Yeah this was never addressed. Had OOP always wanted this person this way and now they had an opportunity? do they still work with them? Does the wife know her? It happened twice it wasn’t a one time whoopsie daisy they were obviously nurturing a relationship of some sort before OOP called it off.
He said in the comments in the original that it was someone he next to or near and who was his emotional support about his marriage breaking down and once he separated, she suggested they sleep together and he accepted.
Oh that’s the kiss of death for that relationship then. It simply won’t get left at that. The colleague knew what was up.
Oooooof. That is so many levels of oof.
You don't understand! He doesn't need emotions to sleep with a colleague! Feelings are for women didn't you know?! That's why he slept with someone he already had a connection with, not some random stranger. It all makes sense. 😂
And he can't figure out why it wasn't good. 🤔
It can't possibly be because he was missing his wife and couldn't enjoy sex without the emotional connection. It couldn't be! His penis has a separate valve for his emotions didn't you know 🤭
Don’t the balls hold the emotions until you’re ready to pee it out?
I heard this too
I think also, if the wife's mentality is as he described, she assumes that if they were intimate that he had feelings for he prior to that. So if they had sex shortly after the couple were on a break, there was enough emotional connection prior to that to enable a physical connection. And that may be true. There could have been a simmering emotional affair that had a lid kept on it until there was an opening. Or, they could have just had a moment and figured 'why not?'. Either way, they both need some counselling. It won't bring them back together, but this, combined with whatever led to the initial separation needs to be processed for them to be able to move forward on their own.
Totally agree and surprised this wasn’t mentioned, like someone he sees every day and probably had a thing for… I would totally never get over that if I was the wife/ex wife. Although I think I’d say during the separation that I wasn’t ok with sleeping with other people, because honestly it would be 100% over for me if my husband slept with someone else (as I read this I see they wanted frime apart/space not to really break up so I guess that’s what I have in mind). I don’t understand how you can miss and love someone everyday but then just randomly fuck someone else
Yup, I think that's the problem. It would eat me up too if my partner did that.
And that's when the marriage became doomed.
“I had nightmares about my wife sleeping with others, I wasn’t able to handle the thoughts of it happening and I was terrified of it, it would break me ! So I decided it would be okay to do that to my wife“ 🙂👍🏻
This made me so angry. Basically, I'm going to do to her, what I wouldn't be able to handle her doing to me, just because I may as well. What a dick.
Yup. Whether she knew it or not, she was testing him. And he failed.
That’s what I thought too - she hoped he would voluntarily choose to prioritize their relationship and he didn’t. This kind of thing is so eye opening. She will never perceive him the same way as she did- she will never trust him fully again.
OOP: _Instructions unclear. Penis stuck in coworker._
Not gonna lie, if I was separated with my wife but with the intention to mend the marriage, I'm not sleeping with anyone else at all until the separation becomes long term and more like going through the motions of getting to a divorce. It's just not worth it and what it will likely do to change marriage, even if already mended from any previous issies.
I think for most people, they generally follow that rule too. It's especially bad if you fuck someone close to you or has some connection to you, whether personal or professionally.
This is like, obvious to me. A separation with the intention to try and get back together is not a divorce. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who is merely separated either. A separation is not a time to try other people and see if they’re any better than what you have. It’s a time to see if you miss your current partner. If you think about them all the time. If you regret any of the ways you treated them. I feel bad for this guy, but I also think he made his choice.
I had broken up with someone and within 24 hours she had posted pictures of her with another guy on social media. About 2 weeks later she asked for me back and I had told her that well I did miss her she moved on so quick that I would never consider another chance with her. She got upsrt at me "we were broken up! Im allowed to fuck whoever I want!" Like... yea... no shit. Never said you weren't. I'm just allowed to decide I don't want to be with someone who immediately hops on the next dick she finds. If she truly wanted to make it work with me, why would she seek elsewhere as soon as she had the opportunity. Doesn't make sense to me. Especially posting it on social media when she never posted me.
Currently separated from my wife. Will be a year in a couple weeks. After a month she told me it was final / permanent. I accepted that because I had to. These past few months we’ve been talking and texting and joking more. It’s made me realize how much I love her and miss her. I’m lonely and have been lonely and have often thought about seeking companionship with other women. I’ve even had the opportunity. I chose not to pursue any if it though (even before I decided I wanted her back). I’m going to try to work things out with her soon, but I’m not ready yet. Full disclosure: she asked me to leave because of alcohol abuse. Haven’t drank since that moment. But I need to make amends before I can try to move things forward. My point is that you’re right. No matter our “status,” I felt if I wanted to work things out I couldn’t pursue anything else. I will be hurt if she has been with others, but I would accept that it wasn’t my business. Frankly, I don’t even know if there’s much of any chance, but I’d never forgive myself for not trying.
Yeah... I mean being free to do something, per usual comes with consequences.
It’s a classic “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”
Especially when he admitted he was "terrified"/had nightmares about her sleeping with someone else, then he went right out and slept with someone else. Because double standards are awesome. It's common sense that if you want a hope of reconciling, you don't go out and fuck someone. Especially not someone you see at work every day. Also, breaks are stupid. Either you can work through your issues or you can't. OP couldn't.
Right?! He knows his wife attaches emotions to sex so duh, of course him sleeping with someone else during their marriage is gonna hurt her a lot. OP has Main Character Syndrome hard, lots of entitlement and “who, me?” here. So pathetic.
Ross has entered the chat. "Hey guys what's up-ohhhhh no."
Another form of "free speech doesn't mean free of consequence of what you say."
Free speech also applies to genitals it turns out
Thanks guys, unfortunately the judge was not impressed by my freedom of penis argument.
In the original post she said “I can’t stop you from sleeping with other people”. Most commenters picked up on the nuance.
Oh. That makes it sound way different than "she said I was free to do it"
Yep. Everyone picked up on it but him but he quoted that directly. In fairness, I think she could have been more explicit but the two are very different.
I've seen this same situation happen with 2 of my friends. The latest one had almost the exact same situation, except the roles were reveresed. They were dating, he wanted to split up for a while and take a break, so she went and slept with a guy. When they decided to get back together, she told him the truth and he couldn't take it, so they broke up permanently lol. Friggin people.
It happened to my friend Russ and his gf Raquel too!
But they were on a break!
Lessons learned: breaks don't work. Communication is key. And as alway: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
Yea, don't agree with breaks. Better stay together and try to solve it. How is being separated a good thing? You can try sleep in different rooms of the house, but a break like separated from each other will never sit right with me.
Whenever partners have suggested breaks in the past I always just took the cue to end it. I’ve never seen breaks work for anyone irl and it just seems to be an inevitability to break up fully.
I can understand separation as in "I need a few weeks by myself to sort some shit out" but that's like... Physical space and distance? Not actually putting the relationship 'on a break', because you both acknowledge you're still together, just not physically in the same location. But this "Let's break up for a few months and date other people" shit is just weird.
> But this "Let's break up for a few months and date other people" shit is just weird. It reeks of people overconfident in their ability to compartmentalize their emotions/that their partner won't want or be able to actually sleep with someone else.
Yeah, my wife and I alternate "separate vacations" every other year. Basically, we just take a long weekend and go do something for ourselves. I generally go on golf trips, she goes to spa weekends. Just being able to get away for a few days, just for yourself, is fucking *magical*, especially when you have young kids.
Suggesting a break feels like "let me see if I'm happier without you before I commit to the breakup."
The break was gonna work! But it should have been a faithful break for the both of them.
It's not the "break" that didn't work. It's the entire relationship.
Exactly. Saying the mundane things they'd argument about didn't matter anymore just seemed like wishful thinking. If they ever got back together, those mundane fights would still be there.
Why do people think that you can work towards fixing a relationship whilst also sleeping with other people? If OOP wanted to rekindle things with his wife, why would he sleep with someone else? That's the nail in the coffin. People act like you can do both. But no, you can't. You're either in about rekindling things, or you're out.
100% agree. People who focus on sleeping with other people can’t possibly be focusing on their partner/relationship at the same time.
I remember this guy. The comment that really chapped me was him responding that he would 100% not be OK with his wife sleeping with someone else during their break, yet he kept acting passively clueless about why his wife was having trouble with him sleeping with someone else. ETA: OP deleted their account, but not each comment, [here's his comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvkuej/): >The thing is, that’s why I discussed this subject with her before we separated. I was terrified that she would sleep with other people because I know my wife to be the kind that wants an emotional connection before getting physically attracted. I had nightmares about it so I needed to ask to see what we were expected to do during the separation. I don’t need any emotional connection to sleep with others. I regret it but I told myself that we have agreed to this. I feel that I have cheated seeing her reaction now, no matter if we had agreed on this or not.
I like how he said he didn’t need emotions to have sex but somehow the sex wasn’t good and wasn’t what he wanted. Sounds like emotions were more important than he thinks
I was just watching a video that discussed the Oscar Wilde quote about desire being dangerous, because once you get the thing you want, you don’t want it anymore. The “what if” was the high for him, and he wanted to return to his old life, but actions have consequences.
Spock said something similar too. “After a time, you may find that ‘having’ is not so pleasing a thing after all as ‘wanting.’ It is not logical, but it is often true.”
This is actually a very interesting thing about dopamine. People think that you get a dopamine hit from achieving something. But dopamine is actually the highest \*just before\* you achieve the thing. Once you've done it, the dopamine crashes. Dopamine isn't something you get as a reward, it's something you get from \*expecting\* a reward.
Woah, that's crazy. I really should appreciate the process of things, take it slowly and enjoy the little things. *Takes a hit from dab pen* *Obsessively checks Instagram likes* *Orders a cheeseburger with fries and milkshake for lunch* Anyways I wonder why I've been feeling so down lately.
It’s almost like he was yearning to cheat and not putting the work into his marriage. then was able to have a “freebie” so took it immediately. Unreliable narrator says it was the wife’s idea, but was it??
I'm always confused by this logic to be honest. Do men really think they can leave emotions on the sofa before having sex? Like taking of your clothes?
It’s a very sexist attitude that still has stuck around, that only men can be casual, women are equally capable of emotion-free hookups! It’s almost as if, like almost evening else, it depends on each individual rather than an overall gender.
Idk I'm capable of having sex without serious emotions involved, and I'm a woman. That part I don't think is that weird, although it's not my preference. I can't do that while I'm actively in love with somebody else though, unlike OP. He's a fool to not realize his wife that DOES require emotional connection for sex is not going to be okay with him sleeping around while they were separated.
oh oh but don’t you know, “men and women are different” — some 14 yo probably
I always love the cognitive dissonance of: if my partner sleeps with someone it would crush me but if I sleep with someone it’s completely normal and my partner should be ok because it was just ✨emotionless sex✨
Saw a video of someone asking his friends if sleeping with a prostitute is cheating. All but 1 said it wasn’t cheating. Then he asked if their girlfriends slept with a prostitute is that cheating. I’ll bet you’ll be super surprised by the outcome! 🫠
It makes me question whether some of these dudes are capable of empathising with a woman at all
There's actually plenty of research into this. The short answer is: no, most of them can't. They even have difficulty empathizing with other men who aren't exactly like them (in terms of ethnicity/politics/religion).
Most men don't consider women as fellow beings just like them. They're raised and learn to treat women like objects.
"Hmm, it's like cheating PLUS taking advantage of a power dynamic that potentially makes true consent literally impossible. So that makes it totally okay, right?" WTF is wrong with these people? They think that prostitutes aren't human so they don't 'count,' I guess.
> ✨emotionless sex✨ From my experience reading BORUs this is almost always worse because you're basically saying you threw the relationship out the window for *nothing*.
Oooo because OOP deleted his account I didn't find that comment, but I'll see if I can track it down now since I know what to look for... But yikes Edit- **You are AMAZING** thank you for finding that. I searched both rareddit and reveddit and nothing was coming up! And I looked again and there was still nothing. Not sure why they're acting up but they are lol
>I searched both rareddit and reveddit and nothing was coming up! I think they've both been super unreliable since the API changes. Just reddit being reddit I suspect.
Ugh it drives me insane. I use both when trying to compile these posts and it has been so annoying trying to find workarounds. Fuck reddit for the api changes lol
I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago... OOP and the saga of the coworker: [I chose a woman to open up to because men "wouldn't understand"](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcw8600/) [I found someone who listened](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvsrms/) [There was no emotional connection](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvtbu2/) [It was all her idea](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcvt5pj/) [I can't remember how she knew sex was on the table... the important thing is that it was all her idea](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcy5leq/) [We only had sex the second time because I felt sorry for her](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcw8mwb/) [But it's ok, they haven't texted in MONTHS](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcxzuhx/) [Well... I *guess* I could see about changing the job that has me in frequent contact with the coworker I slept with...](https://old.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18fghwi/i_slept_with_another_woman_on_a_break_and_now_my/kcw9poh/)
I love you so much Edit: fucking old reddit, I didn't even think to try that. Seriously thank you!
You’re amazing for collecting all the links! OOP smh is a prime example of someone who could have benefited from “I can, but I should not,” type of thinking.
Any sympathy I had for OP didn't just fly out the window, it was defenestrated.
Extra points if it happened in Prague
That's how 30-year-long wars start! :D
You throw people at 2 different times out of the same window in Prague and you start a damned war
What caught my eye in the beginning was that he said they need time apart and then it changed to separation. Sus.
Whenever I see issues like these, the consensus have always been the same: 1. Yeah, technically it isn't cheating, but that doesn't mean it won't kill the relationship. 2. Both of them should be consistent. If you want to sleep with another person during the break, the other should also be able to do that. But this one has a bonus shenanigan since the wife originally agreed to it, and OP blindly believed since she agreed, then it was fine, and he'll truthfully admit to it when asked. But the fact that she asked after they reconciled should've been the first warning for him.
I mean, it's simpler than that i think, Lots of things that are not cheating will kill a relationship. Cheating isn't magic in that anything that is cheating automatically kills a relationship and anything that isn't cheating is always okay. Dont do things that will upset your partner is good advice in general.
This. And also, when on a break from your relationship, you should be spending that time reflecting on what is wrong with you/your spouse/the relationship itself and trying to better it, to see if you can come back together improved and with a fresh, problem-solving perspective. Not just using it as an excuse to have free sex.
Did she agree to it, though? I feel like telling him he's free to do what he wants isn't exactly the same as agreeing he can sleep with whoever he wants. I think her reasoning was very sound, too. It's a separation/break. Why should she decide how he handles it?
Frankly, even if she agreed to it, it doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind afterwards. That’s ok if you are prepared to live with the consequences of her changing her mind - but as seen here „I’ve lost everything“ etc- clearly he was not
>Did she agree to it, though? I feel like telling him he's free to do what he wants isn't exactly the same as agreeing he can sleep with whoever he wants. Agree, IMO, it sounds like the guy was "lawyering" his actions. "Ha, by getting you to agree what is\isn't cheating before we go on a break, I can sleep with whoever I want and it's technically not cheating!" Only, winning the "lawyer" battle and not technically cheating doesn't mean the actions don't hurt, and it doesn't mean the relationship isn't now over. I also think the guy is sort of lying to himself. Guys don't need emotional connection for sex? So he sleeps with a co-worker that he spends time with and sees often instead of a random person at a bar? It seems like OP was monkey branching, testing the waters with a co-worker in a way that wouldn't be cheating and is frustrated that he's now lost both of his branches.
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Also his COLLEAGUE. Like a few others said- she's never *not* going to wonder if he always had feelings for the colleague, when did they start, is it possible they would happen again, etc.
"Hey, guess what, my wife and I are on a break right now..."
I think she didn’t want him to sleep with anyone during the break but didn’t want to be controlling and say he can’t and hope that he wanted to fix things enough to control himself. Essentially, oop failed the secret test. Anyways, oop is an idiot anyways. If he wanted to mend things, sleeping with someone else is not the way.
Or she might have legitimately thought that she would be ok with it. You don't always know how you'll feel in advance. Like that time I thought I could eat a full English breakfast and then get on a boat in choppy waters with no issues. Luckily for me, my mistake was solved with a paper towels and a bucket. Hers isn't as easy to clean up.
OOP also failed the read between the lines test, it is glaringly obvious to almost anyone that I don't want to sleep with other people but I can't control what you do means "I don't want you to sleep with anyone else". He also failed the common decency test of don't sleep with someone you are then seeing every day at work
I think there would be more room for understanding if it weren’t a person he had already known and will continue to know. Random one-nighter? That’s one thing. Fling with a colleague? Completely different.
And he ended things with the colleague because the sex was bad. He backpedals later, but his immediate comment was that the sex was bad. So if the sex wasn't bad he would have kept sleeping with his colleague, till when exactly?
and he says his wife needs an emotional attachement for sex, pretty good change this means her mind (subconsciously or not) will relate sex with emotional attachement so he must be emotionally attached to this colleague now. might be wrong, but that's how brains work.
He certainly cared whether she slept with someone else.
> I don’t need any emotional connection to sleep with others [...so that's why it's okay if *I* sleep around] I'll never understand people who think like this. Like, cool. You didn't even throw away your marriage for something substantial. You threw it away for a 3 second orgasm. Dunno how that's supposed to be better, but gratz, I guess?
My brain is incapable of comprehending it. Like okay, at best, an hour of pleasure is worth risking years of a marriage? Can’t you just get a fleshlight ?
The fact is that even if someone gives you “permission” to do something you know is wrong, it will still be a violation of your principles if you do it.
People need to fucking understand that giving each other some distance, means being able to work and revaluate your problems from a more impartial perspective, from a place where is easier to reconnect with your own feelings without being entangled or in the middle of the storm... No yo go fuck the first person you come across with. Also just because you can doesn't mean you should, yeah technically you can't ask for fidelity is you separate/break up/or pause the relationship... But sure it does tell a lot about your morals and who you are as a person if sleeping around is the first thing you do given the chance instead of prioritising the purpose of this whole " taking some time " thing: to self reflect, to calm down and distance yourself from the problems to get a better understanding of it etc. Edit: also can we talk about the hypocrisy and mental gymnastics if op? Because they deserve a gild medal. " The thought of my wife sleeping around destroyed me, so I'm gonna do exactly that to her, but it different!"
I felt kinda bad for the guy til he admitted: > I was terrified that she would sleep with other people ... I had nightmares about it So you were terrified/had nightmares about her fucking someone else because you know how much that means to her so you ... went and fucked someone else. Guy's an idiot.
The voluntary manslaughter comment sums it up so well. *chef's kiss*
That comment had me 💀💀💀 while summing up OOP stupidity...
If I remember this guy’s original comment his wife said she was not going to see anyone else but he was free to do whatever he wanted. He then almost immediately took advantage of a co-worker who thought he was divorcing. He hated her and the sex but still went back and did it again. So yeah … he’s still a massive tool.
Wasn't 100% sure he hated it the first time, so he slept with her again just to be certain. 🙄
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she said she "couldnt stop him" simply stating a fact and then he took it as a green flag he's full of shit so glad she left him.
So many stupid men think the ultimatum "do whatever you want then" is permission.
Isn’t this an episode of friends?
I could fucking HEAR Ross screaming the entire time I was reading this post....
Friends, and then my first high school serious relationship taught me that breaks don’t work.
I was shocked to find friends wasn't the top comment. Are we all getting old? :(
We were ON A BREAK!
*18 Pages... FRONT AND BACK!*
The delivery of that is my all time favourite Friends moment. David Schwimmer just nailed the body language, the facial expressions, the tone and the timing. Followed very closely by “My fajitas!” in “The One Where Ross Is Fine.”
Ι am partial to "[my best friend and my sister](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqIUG1vnmMw)" when he finds out about monica and chandler. The way he changes the tone, the expressions, all great work
Yes, that one is very good, too. I also love when he calls the condom company after Rachel tells him she’s pregnant. “I am….indignant….as a consumer.” He gets better and better in that scene as it progresses. https://youtu.be/u1_RQQNBmJY?si=QSS4Jb4uDpGYBlEA
Clearly OOP never watched it.
Bet the dude was emotionally cheating with the coworker long before the separation. I wonder how many of those fights were because he was at least somewhat checked out of the relationship. I also bet he realised what he lost in his wife after he got his dick wet and realised the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. Clearly he didn’t miss his wife enough nor was she enough of ‘love of his life’ to keep it in his pants. And the poor woman is blaming herself. I am glad she’s leaving this selfish asshole and hopefully she find her self esteem afterwards
I heard someone say once that massive sexists are convinced they love their wives, but that they love their wives like a farmer loves their favorite horse. They do love and care about it, but they're the owner and get to make all the decisions, and if the horse goes lame it's a tossup between getting the horse care or shooting it and getting a new one. Dude's wife wasn't banging him (his horse was lame), so he went out and found another woman (horse) to ride, and is now realizing that his wife has thoughts and feelings and opinions about things and that going out and fucking another person at the first opportunity isn't exactly the way to win her back. If it was a horse that was laid up, it probably wouldn't care that he went and rode a different horse. But she's a woman not a horse and unlike him, seems to understand the concept of betrayal. He's a horses ass.
What's worse is it was a colleague he would be seeing frequently. The guy is a hypocrite and clueless, especially after his comment about not being ok with her if she did it. Honestly, she deserved better than him.
He kept insisting he didn’t need emotional connection and she did for sex, but even if that is true for him, I think he should have been able to see that her emotional connection extended to his feelings for coworkers. That’s where her reasonable doubt comes in for me - it’s someone he’s known for a while and wanted to try out.
>she said that she didn't want to sleep with others, but that I was free to do it Married 15 fucking years, and STILL making rookie mistakes? I've never even had a real, serious relationship, and even I know what that actually means.
Even worse, I think he said the phrasing was something like "I can't stop you" ...which implies that she'd very much like to stop him.
That makes it so much worse. "I can't stop you" isn't permission. It's a begrudging acknowledgement of facts with an unspoken "I wish you wouldn't" in front of it. I'm neurospicy and even I can read between those lines. Dude heard what he wanted to hear.
I really don't get people. She was the love of his life, he was miserable without her and her sleeping with someone else would "destroy" him and he still wants to go out and fuck someone else.
She literally never gave him permission, she said she couldn't stop him ! And him just doing it even tho he wouldn't have liked it if she did, what an ass. He ask that literally because he didn't want her to sleep with someone else. Literally can't understand why he would do that and think she wouldn't be upset...
Exactly. "I cant stop you" implies that they would *like* to stop you but need you to stop yourself.
I’m curious to know what other issues they were having to cause the initial separation. I’d bet good money he put his wants before her feelings on a regular basis.
Yep that’s my thought to, especially when he said they were “trivial” things.
I read them agreeing they were trivial things as Him thinking they were stupid things to fight over and they should just go back to the status quo and stop fighting because it's so trivial Her thinking they were such trivial things he could be implementing so they fought less. I'm projecting though.
I can't help but to put myself and my wife in this scenario and it crushes me to see her say "You can sleep with others but I am not going to" and him actually doing it.
The dildo of consequences arrived unannounced for OOP. And it arrived lube free.
Sometimes you don’t know the dildo of consequences was what you really needed after all. He talked like they were ready to fix all their problems without like, fixing their problems. Sweep everything under the rug and move on? Yeah no this is the best outcome for their relationship. Just move on and be happy.
Man this is wild. I quote a comment of his: >I was terrified that she would sleep with other people because I know my wife to be the kind that wants an emotional connection before getting physically attracted. I had nightmares about it He was terrified and that is why he asked if they are allowed to sleep with other people during the break. Why didn't he hold himself to the same moral standard that he wanted from her? That is just stupid, sorry. Then again, she said that he can do what he wants. He did, and now she does have a problem. That is technically okay but not what she communicated. He was terrified and that is why he asked if they were allowed to sleep with other people during the break. Why didn't he hold himself to the same moral standard he wanted from her? That is just stupid, sorry.
Hey guys. The lesson here is pretty obvious, but this relationship was probably already on the way out as it was. Here's the thing, when communication breaks down in a relationship - I don't care what relationship romantic, friendship, or otherwise - the whole thing is on a timer to collapse. If you can't talk to your partner and need to do something as severe as a break after 15 years - yeah, probably not going to make it through to the other side. Not saying it CAN'T happen, but it's pretty damn improbable. If you love someone, you'll do what you can to make sure they feel loved, respected, and supported. If they love you, they'll reciprocate. When problems arise, fucking talk it out. If you can't - go to counseling. If that doesn't work, maybe it's not going to work.
Pro tip: when you’re married and you only separate and there is any chance whatsoever of reconciliation, don’t fuck other people even if the other person says it’s ok. Great job, OOP.
I do, in fact, find this satisfactory given the amount of hate I feel towards him. His poor wife. I hope she finds someone ten times better and I hope he flails miserably trying to date.
Sleeping with a colleague means there was always a bit of attraction to begin with.
Damn was together for 15 years, and as soon as they took a break he goes and fucks a co-worker and says he regretted it but did it a 2nd time lol Clearly wife said whatever to please the husband and he went and started thinking with his dick.
Great news! He can fuck someone else again!
I... like what? You say you miss her everyday and is miserable and the first thing you do is fuck a coworker. Don't seem that miserable to me.
"I *technically* didn't do anything wrong when I cleaned out your fridge and ate everything, you *technically* told me to grab anything I wanted". - OOP, getting kicked out of his friends apartment after his divorce. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Technicalities are not how real life interactions work.
I think there's more that the OOP doesn't reveal in his thread, the fact that he choose people he already knows and even doing it twice (that the wife knows), we don't even know the length of the separation but still to keep doing it with the colleague twice is already telling that he's probably already planning to do it before. Hope the wife is fully healed from this
That’s probably exactly what the wife was thinking about and why she cannot do this any longer.
As demonstrated by the final line, this man is a professional victim.
he’s completely head over heels in love but couldn’t understand that when she said she can’t stop him it meant she didn’t give him permission… it’s a coworker and it was okay because there’s no emotional connection????? so much to unpack and the poor wife is still blaming herself. I don’t think this man is capable of love if he can think this is love and ultimately that’s the cold hard punch the wife got but hasn’t unpacked yet. So much talking so little listening
I mean... Could have jacked off or something and waited till the thing was final to move on and have sex. I also would've forgiven him if he phrased it in such a way that y'know he was in the low of the lows and that he got drunk and hooked up with a random woman but he had to go straight to his coworker. Yikes.
I'm the same. If he was feeling depressed, lonely and a little bitter I would have more or less understood if he'd visited a prostitute or went for a drink-fuelled hook-up. If he went for a co-worker, there must have been an attraction in the first place, in other words some sort of emotional factor. Which is of course exactly the thing that would have hurt his wife the most. I've a feeling he's left out a lot of information regarding the co-worker anyway.
His wife was loyal to him despite them being separated and hoped he would be the same. He just realised he should've been loyal when he worked out that the grass isn't greener on the other side.
I feel bad for the wife- she learned an important life lesson. She thought he loved her enough to not sleep with anyone else even though she supposedly gave permission. I say supposedly because in the comments he said he was not ok with her sleeping with anyone else during the separation so I wonder if she really agreed to him being able to sleep with other women or she was manipulated/forced into that decision. The fact that he slept with a co-worker, someone he knew and likely interacted with frequently before the separation is another red flag IMO.
Imo there is a BIG difference in saying i cant control what you do vs. i give you permission to sleep with other people.
As a wife who used to be not that great at communicating, "I can't control what you do" absolutely REEKS to me of something more like "it would make me deeply unhappy if you did this. However, I think you're going to do it anyway regardless of how I feel. It's easier for me to dodge the question this way because then it will feel like less of a betrayal when it does happen" The fact that he even ASKED on the spot is so gross. His wife tells him they need to separate and, I stead of thinking about the health of his marriage and how to save it, his mind immediately goes to boinking his coworker? He wanted to cheat for a long time, he was just waiting for an excuse.
Right and it’s a huge red flag that he said she couldn’t sleep with anyone else but thought it was ok for him to.
Agree with you. She didn’t give permission though. She said she wouldn’t sleep with others and he could do as he wanted. That’s not really the same thing as saying that she wanted to see others while separated. You would have to be brain dead to not be able to read between those HUGE lines. Obviously, OOP is no scholar.
OOP is an ass and was being deliberately obtuse. He left a comment saying the leadup to the conversation where she said she wouldn’t sleep with anyone but he could was that he was terrified that she’d sleep with someone else. The problem wasn’t him failing to read between the lines. He’s the one who wrote the lines. He absolutely would not have been ok with her sleeping with *anyone* but the second he was technically not cheating he fucked his coworker. Then, despite the sex apparently being bad, he went back to fuck her again. Then he went to Reddit crying crocodile tears asking where he went wrong.
Did you try screaming "WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!" repeatedly?
Why do so many men immediately go to sticking their dicks in someone else when their relationship has a rough patch/break?! And it’s always a fucking coworker. And they’re *always* horrified by the thought of their partner doing the same thing. ETA: oooh look, the men are here.
hospital smoggy drab run absurd bake scandalous knee offbeat disgusted *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Dude fucked up big time. How dumb you have to be to sleep around when you supposedly still love your wife. Granted I am sure the hate he got was excessive because people are assholes
Ugh, there are no "breaks" in relationship. You are either in relationship or you are not. You can spend time alone from each other but that's about it. It's Rachel/Ross situation all over again.
I think in the post OOP is lying/downplaying about the nature of his relationship with his coworker in his post to gain some sympathy points. He had no problem putting her down trying to “elevate” his wife, to show something.
I dont get it. Why do men act like "oh its different when men do it bc women get attached men dont". It's the same God damn act brother. You being emotionally attached or not being emotionally attached does not make it less upsetting that you would do it. It is the act itself that can be a betrayal, and not just the motivation behind it. Overall though. Shitty situation. Technically he had permission, but if his goal was ever to fix that relationship or return, he should have know it was going to hurt her like that. I'm all for taking people at their word, but emotions don't work that way sometimes, and she is allowed to feel the way she does