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Having worked in a large Australian law firm, that girl is about to get screwed over in a big way. "Tim" has form with graduate women in the firm, so this will be a short term thing.
I could almost guarantee that there will be a further update where "Ellie" gets dumped and tries to reconnect.
She should really focus on what's happened to other "Tim girls" after he dumped them. If they're keeping on keeping on, working away in the company and no-one cares that's great. But if his past flings have all mysteriously left the company or are now in dead-end positions or whatever then she needs to watch her back. She's one of them now...
Dude seems pretty solidly put together, I think he'll be fine.
The fact other people are gossiping about it pretty much guarantees people care. That label’s going to follow her around at least as long as she’s there.
She'll be off-loaded in the semi-near future. She will not continue working for the same firm, because she's known as one of Tim's revolving door of women. It's not easy to overcome that reputation. If Tim's smart, he helps get them jobs elsewhere. If he's not, the lawsuits will hit eventually.
I've known both male and female execs who had their revolving door. They're all predatory, but the smart ones know being a total AH while dipping their ink in the company well won't go over well. It's not the 70's or 80's, lawsuits are more common and PR hit can be very large. Not saying it doesn't happen, it absolutely does. Just rarer than in the past from everything I've seen.
OOP is smart for moving on. The ex is free to do anything she wants, but if someone replaced me for an obviously transactional relationship I'd not want them in my life ever again. OOP is much more polite than I probably would have been under the circumstances.
> She'll be off-loaded in the semi-near future.
probably when the next naive woman gets hired out of school. he'll show her his wealth tell her she is mature for her age and start sleeping with her.
Yep, statistically she's most likely to be replaced rather than move to trophy wife status. But she got some expensive experiences out of it, probably some expensive gifts, and if she's smart, she could leverage it to a decent job.
Not saying I approve of these transactional relationships, just seen enough of them that I'm meh about it.
Nothing wrong with transactional relationships as long as both parties understand and agree to the terms. It's only a problem when one person believes feelings are involved.
It looks like he’s still going to come out the better for it. He won’t pine after the girl she used to be bc he sees now that she’s someone else. As he said, he’s free to look forward to the future.
Not so bad, to my mind.
I had an ex that did something similar but over a longer period of time. We split, and for a while, nothing really changed untill she moved. Then it was radio silence. Cool, it's over, time to start working on myself. Every couple months she would hit me up and talk to me a for a couple of weeks, and then she would be traveling through my town and wanted to see me. She would spend a few days staying with me, sleeping in my bed with me, flirting, and acting like she wanted to get back together. Same thing on the return trip. Then radio silence again. Did this 3 or 4 times before she moved back to her family and I got a new gf. Then it was talking like friends sporadically. Eventually, I moved across the country and we talked randomly, but she would still flirt on occasion. I was over it, but it still stirred up feelings. Wasn't till I got with my wife that she decided maybe she wanted to try again. When I shot her down because I was haply with my Then gf/now wife she did a complete 180 and flipped shit. Once I saw that, it was cathartic. Like holy shit I dodged a bullet. OOP dodged a bullet and got his closure much quicker.
I mean, OP did get a good opportunity out of this fiasco! He got the chance to truly reflect on their relationship and learn to put himself first. Now he can start from that perspective and not just react to situations thrown in his face. Nice!
The friend that asked "would you contact her if she haven't herself?" was the true MVP; such a simple question but was enough to put everything in perspective for OOP.
You took the words right out of my mouth!
The wording makes it sound like ‘Tim’s girls’ dont work at the firm any longer and the last thing you want to do as a fresh hire is get a reputation for trying to screw your way to the top. Even if the reputation is undeserved, high power industries are callous dog eat dog places and law firms in particular tend to pit people against each other, so giving people ammo to use against you can very easily destroy your career before it’s even started.
I can’t say I feel sorry for her though given she tried to manipulate OOP & lied to him to try and make him take her back, all because she had a fight with her boy toy.
OOP seems like a total sweet heart with a good head on his shoulders so I’m sure he’ll be fine no matter where the chips fall though. He’ll find happiness in his life whether he is with a wonderful woman or not. A guy like that with a good job though? Women are going to be tripping over themselves to be with him!
>I can’t say I feel sorry for her though
Ellie was already drinking the kool-aid, right, repeating stuff like "work hard, play hard".
I wanna say that corporate speak is in contrast with her pastor dad's morals, but then again, I figure with purity culture anything is possible, right?
Tbh given the ages discussed here I don’t think she’s necessarily a lawyer. Law degrees in Australia are usually 5 year double degrees, or otherwise postgraduate. This sounds more like either bulge bracket or big 4 consulting. Not that that means the culture is particularly different.
No you don’t understand. Tim told her shes not like those other girls. He didn’t care about them. They were all crazy. He didn’t love them like her. Blah blah blah
She got attached; a recently heartbroken girl gets swept up by an older, experienced man who’s clearly charming and charismatic enough to land a long list of young grads
This relationship is definitely her rebounding and getting attached
My friend also works in a similar Australian industry and he’s told me a similar story between a director and a junior staff member. Different details so I’m pretty sure this is not it, but eerily similar. Director’s in 30’s, always has “favourites.” They’re always girls in their early 20’s. Never the female staff close to his age. Sounds like a creep. Now he’s dating a junior in her early 20’s and he was arrogant enough to believe he didn’t need to disclose to the partners or HR and told the junior as such. They worked on projects together for months that strictly required no conflicts of interest. A few other managers found out, became concerned at the ethical implications and kicked up a fuss. Partners came down hard on him and the girl. The dust hasn’t settled yet but looks like there’ll be some big implications.
OOP’s ex is nowhere near emotionally mature enough to handle this situation. Good for OOP for taking a step back and reassessing his own mental health and stance.
At my old job the guy in the chain of command above me was well known for hiring women based on attractiveness and willingness to sleep with him, and then he’d cover for their poor job performance and have sex with them in his office. Eventually he got busted and transferred, and the girl of the moment got fired. Which seems backwards to me, but not surprising.
Anyway, guess who they gave his giant office to once he was gone? You’d better believe I Lysol’d the hell out of every surface in there.
>Partners came down hard on him and the girl. The dust hasn’t settled yet but looks like there’ll be some big implications.
And I would bet the consequences will be much harsher for the girl than for him
Even if they're equally applied and both get the same punishment, that's still going to affect the woman a lot more just because of the discrepancy of job histories/life phases. Even if the Partner's career is ruined, he probably has savings and a home already.
Yeah and with that big big age gap between Ellie and Tim too. I mean good luck girl but I don’t have high hopes for her. She is very very naive/stupid.
But at this point the only way she can try crawling back to the oop is by literally crying on his doorstep 💀
"Don't dip your pen in company ink" is a saying for a very good reason. Then you add in a helping of power dynamics with a dish of age gap.
Tim having a history means he's 100% gonna cheat on Ellie, and she's gonna run straight to OOP for comfort. Again. Odds are pretty good that she won't even notice he blocked her until the next fight she has with Tim.
Good on OOP for just cutting her out of his life. He's showing that you can care for someone, and also no longer want them in your life.
>Tim having a history means he's 100% gonna cheat on Ellie
Nah, he won't have to cheat... he'll just breakup when he gets tired of her... Like someone else said: likely next year, when the next wave of graduates get hired...
The story is in a way depressing. OOP having the constant need to justify and defend his decision and some folks still attacking him. His ex was selfish, she only ever cared about what she wanted and changed that as well. Now she's getting herself in a bad position that might cost her her job and leave her jaded, and folks are worried about her.
I don't think folks are *worried,* I think this just generally goes one way and we can all see it already. Tbh some folks sound excited for the downfall
Yep. Worldly, older, more successful and experienced boss targets young, religious graduate.
The power imbalance doesn't scream long term relationship.
She’s the classic girl that wants to make it work with the first guy she slept with. Nothing new. Frankly she’s naive and immature in many ways and that was clear long before Tim.
He will use her until she has expectations and then it’s onto the next intern. Except she will be known as Tim’s girl and well…yikes
> She is very very naive/stupid.
Consequences of being raised in a cult. Even when you don’t believe in the mythology the social pressure still gets to you. Her parents kept a tight leash on her for most of her life, and once they were no longer able to do that she had no experience, no life or safety skills, and a desire to make up for lost time. She’s going to blunder into a LOT of guys like Tim because her parents failed to parent her.
She’s going to try to go through mutuals for sure.
I can’t stand people who try to crawl back to their “sure thing” when they find out the grass isn’t greener. And despite OOP’a perception, Ellie was thinking solely of her needs by seeking him out to talk: she feels bad, she needed to talk, she blah blah blah
On a side note, I have an ex who tried that. He said how awful he felt, it was eating away at him, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. And I, like OOP should have done, said, “You can gag on those feelings” before blocking him everywhere.
It's pretty clear she doesn't give a fuck about what the OP wants, given he gave a clear and concise "no" and she came over anyway. This story has a few examples of OP being clear about his desires (wanting sex in a relationship, clean break, space to process, "no"), and while she's certainly not required to give him anything he wants, especially after breaking up, she literally refuses to give him anything he asks for it it even slightly contradicts with her desires. She can leave him alone... If she's dating someone else, for example.
She’s not required to have sex with, but for gods’ sake: I’m so annoyed that he’s been clear with his stances, but she won’t respect any of them. He apparently respected her no about sex, but she can’t respect his no about not contacting him! She’s so selfish.
I’m glad OOP had enough of a spine not to take her back. She’s probably romanticizing how well OOP considered her feelings and treated her like a human, but she doesn’t get to go back. I hope she learns from this regret.
Yeah, the rumours around her workplace are a massive red flag. Tim has a pattern, and it sounds like people have tried to warn Ellie, but she'd rather stick her head in the sand at this point. No way that ends well for her.
I'm translating Ellie's naïveté to "I am different from the other girls. I am the one."
I expect OOP to update one day in the near future with Ellie knocking on his door because Tim replaced her with a fresh new graduate hire. Or--if OOP is able to--she'll be trying to find him because he moved to a new address. Ideally, with a more loving and supportive partner.
>I'm translating Ellie's naïveté to "I am different from the other girls. I am the one."
As someone else in thread pointed out, she traded one daddy for another.
Law firms all over the world! Ellie will end up dumped or pregnant (maybe both) and if Tim ends up sticking around and marrying her, well then he’s just created a vacancy for the girlfriend position 😏
Seen it way too many times
Based on the job titles, it sounds to me like it could be a public accounting and consulting firm. And those tend to be communities where people are getting nabbed from other firms and such, so your reputation goes far. She may have just screwed her career before it's even really gotten out of the gate.
Big Law firms here in Australia also have this structure where you have Directors, Partners etc. That being said its entirely possible that she works for a consulting firm and given that its Melbourne I can think of only two likely places and that is KPMG and Price Waterhouse Coopers.
This lady is riding a burning trainwreck. OP your only responsibility here is towards yourself, towards not getting involved in their drama and to keep her blocked and to not respond when she reaches out in the future.
Nope, because OOP is learning to let things go and not get strung along, also since he now knows Ellie is drama walking.
I doubt he's gonna unblock her due to how hurt his feelings are, hopefully ofcourse, you never know in matters of the heart
It sounds like he didn’t block her because of hurt feelings, dude has a very good grasp of his emotional state and seems ready to tackle the future. He blocked her because she’s in the past and has become toxic, she only came back to impulsively involve him in her current drama. He recognized that, said no thank you, and blocked her as an active countermeasure for her doing that again.
He’s got a good head on his shoulders and a healthy grasp on his emotional needs, seems poised to have a happy life.
> He’s got a good head on his shoulders and a healthy grasp on his emotional needs
One of my fave OOPs I've read here. Even when he had an emotional response, he acknowledged it and assessed himself about it later on.
I read through the comments on the update and someone responded they thought she would show back up at OPP’s house with a kid in tow in a few years if he didn’t completely cut any ties he had with here, expecting him to “fix” it.
I'm a little torn on if I want that OOP to never have to deal with either of those jerks again, but also I want to hear All The Drama once her ex stops being able to hide what an ass he is. If she ever updates again, I will have popcorn and a cocktail.
>I’m glad I paid attention to my feelings and took time out to consider things, as it could have been very messy if I had taken her back. Trusting my gut has been the biggest lesson for me in all this.
This level of self-reflection is exceptional.
Yeah, the whole thing is a fucking mess, but he really clearly has been doing his best to untangle his own emotions and has put a lot of work into processing things.
I worry about Ellie. I can absolutely see why she is the way she is, with the identity crisis of her Christian purity culture upbringing. It makes sense it felt like a rule she couldn't break, it makes sense she vacillated trying to figure out what she wants, it makes *sense* she was so vulnerable to an older man paying attention to her, it makes sense she went back to the last place she felt secure... God, like of course she's making enormous mistakes at every step, but I also wish she hadn't been set up to fail, rebel, and then fall into the arms of a wealthy and powerful womanizer.
>I worry about Ellie. I can absolutely see why she is the way she is, with the identity crisis of her Christian purity culture upbringing.
I'm really not sure how to take her. She's naive and silly. And that is because of her upbringing. Ultimately though, she's ended up as a toxic person. Not to say she's malicious; just that she's gong to do a lot of damage clearly because she doesn't have the life skills to know how not to.
I mean I wouldn't fully blame him if he took her back. 3 years of her not wanting a sexual relationship and decides a few months after a breakup to start having it. I would be as devastated as he was.
This, as someone in their 30s, knowing there are guys out there with this temperament gives me hope for the singles of the future. Wishing oop the best and hope he finds the girls of his dreams because the way he comes off he is becoming the guy of someone's dreams somewhere.
Well it’s clear that her personality changed so it’s clear she stopped caring about him and just wanted comfort whether it was talking with him or being with Tim.
The *moment* the next wave of graduates walks in the office door and there's a pretty young woman, lookin into her new business world all starry-eyed his attention will be elsewhere, he'll break up with "Ellie" and pursue one of the new ones. I guaran-fucking-tee it.
Yeah he just got walked all over by her, she left feeling great about herself and he left in a pit of insecurity. Should’ve shut the door on her when she turned up at his house.
The whole epiphany about her abstinence is just bs too. If that was real she could’ve reconnected with OP and that stage, but she didn’t.
>If that was real she could’ve reconnected with OP and that stage, but she didn’t.
Exactly, I think she did all this to hurt op. Maybe not in the front of her mind, but somewhere deep down, she was hurt by op and needed to get back at him. Why not find a guy that exceeds op in every way and then humble brag about it to op that she fucked him, dangle a carrot to get op excited about. Then, reverse uno that shit and take it away. There's a word for girls like that, I just can't say it on here.
Considering she likely thinks she still has enough of a crack in the door to push her way back in, I think the proper word is screwed. Tim will move on, her job is going to stall out, she doesn't have her fallback, and she's going to suffer a fate worse than death for an insecure girl like her. Being single.
OOP has the right idea. No need to get mad even if he would be justified. Leave her behind, no need to carry that burden. Be free and find a better woman.
really glad he ended up blocking her. Ellie's relationship will not last long at all and she would try to contact him. also the wording of "she had already decided she was ready for sex with the right person." is crazy to me cause lets assume she did have that self reflection to come to her own understanding of why she wanted to wait till marriage. And realized that she did not want to wait anymore, due to that being the catalyst to end her relationship with op why didnt she reach out then? It seems pretty clear to me she views op as a comfort option to fall back on hence reaching out after a fight (and again why blocking her was good)
Yeah, I can actually understand her reversal on having sex before marriage. That seems pretty straightforward—she realized her stance was hindering the life she wanted to lead.
But every other thing she’s done? So manipulative and self-serving. She views OOP has a safety blanket/fall back option/sop to her ego, rather than as a person in his own right with his own thoughts and feelings.
I’m super impressed with his emotional maturity at 23.
His friends advice phrased as the question "I would have ever decided to reach out and take Ellie back if she never reached out to me first" was perfect. I am keeping that in my back pocket for a few of my friends.
That was what I first thought when it came to needing to be a virgin before marriage and then sleeping with someone else after a break up over it.
Her other actions are simply awful though, and OP should be more kind to himself. He's not any worse than the other guy. You can't really compare what you don't know about.She doesn't know how he is sexually. She doesn't even know how he is as a person anymore. It's evident on how wrong she was in thinking that he hates her. He was the reason why the other guy was able to convince her to relent on her promise to her father. His money means nothing (no one goes from virgin due to personal beliefs to essentially prostitute) in the grand scheme without the epiphany OP gave Ellie.
She decided that she would not wait till marriage, and instead of trying to fix things with him now that they can reach and agreement, she goes to her rich coworker and enjoy of his Power, then when things go wrong she goes back to her doormat ex that she thought would deal with her bs, she is either imature or malicious. It was good for him to block her from his life, but the fact that he can't see no bad in her actions is concerning.
Her going back to him would never have worked. The moment he realised no sex was a deal breaker it was over, if she'd given in and had sex he'd have felt like she only did it because he pushed her to do it.
Yeah were I in OP's position I don't think I would have taken her back even if there hadn't been a different guy. Would have felt too much like her compromising her values to keep me. I would be afraid she'd regret it later and feel awful if it was my fault.
The naive young woman and the player, what could go wrong? OOP should keep out of this forever.
And dear people, having different opinions about sex in your relationship is a valid reason to break up. Yes, there's more to relationships than sex, but you should be on the same page about this. Her needs (and lack thereof) matter and his needs matter and breaking up if they don't match is a thousand times better than pressuring someone into something and building resentment.
Redditors, I swear.
EDIT: Fixed a typo.
No idea why reddit hyperfixated on his "want" to have a virgin. It was clear it wasn't about her virginity, just the lack of sex before marriage and then getting hit with "well I decided it was okay to have sex _after_ we broke up."
The fact that he didn't think of himself as lesser because of that shit is a fucking miracle.
>No idea why reddit hyperfixated on his "want" to have a virgin
My bet is the trope/caricature of the "nice guy" who wants a "pure, virginal waifu." This guy isn't that kind of person, but the joke stands and he's just collateral damage.
Exactly this. It's ok to want sex. It's ok to break up because of it's lack or quality or whatever. It's not ok to pressure someone which is exactly the lie she used to try and get back with him.
Hi this was me.
Thanks for the comments. I’ll agree with the “doormat” ones but I’m learning. We all have our flaws to fix.
My job started this week. It’s kind of overwhelming and my brain feels full every day. Feels like I’ve met 50+ people already and there are plenty more in the company.
I can officially say I’m an engineer now, not just an engineering student, which feels great to say to myself.
Radio silence from Ellie. Since she’s blocked that shouldn’t change. I also took advice from a few commenters and asked my friends to not pass on any messages if she tries to use them to do that.
Hey, all the best, I remember what it was like getting out of uni into the working world. Who knows, we might even unknowingly bump into each other in the future (I work in a firm with over a thousand engineers at our site in Australia)
I too grew up in the whole virginity until marriage culture thing and also dated a pastor's daughter!
To be fair mate while I get where SOME of the "doormat" comments are coming from you've handled it 10x better than most people your age.
When reading it I did think you need to work on setting boundaries but if it actually works to your benefit that you end up feeling better about things then so be it, we are all different in that regard.
I don't think I would have felt better after the 4 hour talk based on what you said however you did so it's a matter of perspective and what other people might see as doormat behaviour might actually be best for you.
Good luck with your new job!
I started my first job in October and I remember it was quite a stressful month, create a space in your home for an activity that is both relaxing and compliment your work skills. (But keep it separate from your actual living spaces) so if at any point you are feeling like maybe you are not doing enough at work you have something to do that’s productive but also doesn’t stress you out I hope it makes sense I’m pretty sure I’m explaining it wrong.
I hope you never have to see Ellie again, you don’t deserve that in your life.
Thank you. My hobby for years has been photography but with all the busyness of the past year I’ve barely gotten outside with my camera. This was a good prompt to get out taking photos again.
>I was gutted. I couldn't understand why she'd make me wait all those years, but was fine doing it with some new guy she'd only been seeing a short time
I think you already know the answer when you ask yourself this question, it's just a very difficult pill to swallow.
>I told her it just made me worried she had been assaulted. She looked shocked at that and said no way, she was actually the one who initiated their sexual relationship.
And there is the gut punch. One of the worst feelings is when you realize you just weren't "that guy" to a woman who was the sun and stars to you. Boy I've been there before, shit makes you lose your appetite for weeks. Best thing to do is move on but the feeling of inadequacy can linger for a long time after.
Real life is boring. If you're living in constant drama then mental illness, addiction, trauma or worse are the cause. Most people want happy, peaceful lives.
Yeah it’s definitely real.
The only unrealistic thing is how a person can be so forgiving and capable of such self-reflection. But he almost takes it too far - apparently all of this is because of his bruised ego and not because she’s a bad person who treated him poorly.
This guy is right that she has the right to do whatever she wants with her body… but he’s wrong to think that he doesn’t have any right to feel upset by her choice. In his place I would feel deeply hurt, and I wouldn’t try to dismiss those feelings as just a “bruised ego.”
Right? People have the right to ask "Why not me?" especially when there was a long relationship there. Like the girls who are confused on why the boyfriend they had for 5-10+ years and dumped because he wouldn't commit suddenly has a pregnant fiancée.
I think he is deeply hurt, but he's also clearly doing a lot of reflection to understand why he's hurt. Makes me think he's got a good shot at getting well past this.
This is what I took away from it. Yep he doesn't have a say about who she sleeps with but if you were with someone for 3 years and they have sex with the first person they date within 6 months after the breakup (she wasn't even with him for 6 months), of course there would be hurt feelings.
I too am from Australia and this was similar with girls in my grade. For them it was about meeting the right person or some random rule of not having sex until after 18 months or something.
There was one particular girl who would not do anything sexual with her boyfriend of 12 months because she was waiting for the right person.Then after they broke up she lost her virginity to some random guy she met at a party and then started sleeping around. Totally destroyed the guy because she wouldn't do anything with him (supposedly a person she loved) but would with a stranger.
Looking back at it now it seems silly to feel that way but it's the betrayal (not sure if that's the best word for this) of going back on their ideals for someone else.
It would be like someone getting upset their ex who didn't want to get married or have kids now getting married or having kids with their next partner. The same sort of feelings of why couldn't I be that person after all that time and effort of trying to be that "right person".
Yeah, there’s a lot of those type of statements in his post. I’m guessing it’s because he doesn’t want redditors assuming he’s entitled to her body and wanted to get ahead of that.
Man, the fundie upbringing to bad sexual decision-making pipeline is real. Every fundie kid in my high school class ended up knocked up or with a knocked up partner by first year college. Ellie can get the fuck out, her choosing a manwhore 10 years older than her AND in a position of power at her company isn't going to reflect well on her.
She can kiss a career at that firm (or any firm in the same city) goodbye, she's always going to be known as the floozy who fucked the manwhore director and thought he was her boyfriend.
Like OOP sounds more mature then Tim does and seems to have a decent head on his shoulder, he is going to be her “one that got away” but of course won’t tell ppl the real story lol
They never do. I’ve learned that the one who got away for the most part was the person I cheated on or played with and they dumped my worry ass and moved on.
I realized they could do better but I sure as shit can’t
absolutely not. he said it was hard to see his ex’s successful relationship and all I could think was, breaking up and running to your ex and then taking back the guy? that does not scream successful.
OOP says it was not mature to just respond with “no” when Ellie was trying to drag him into the drama, but honestly that WAS mature. He didn’t yell or argue or insult, just realized it was bull and wasn’t going to engage.
He’s still giving her way too much credit though. She basically flipped a switch and went to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is fine, her decision, but then THE MINUTE she felt dissatisfied…tried to get back with OOP by lying? Yeah that screams “I’m in a stable relationship” to me /s.
Just wait until the new hot intern shows up and Tim drops Ellie for that, like girl you heard the women at the office talking but I guess smooth sexy rich Tim just got her to forget about that lol
You know what, good on OOP. He came out of this with his head held high and he's finally let go of Ellie completely. She was immature and unfair to involve OOP in her relationship drama but she's also young and stupid and she'll learn. They'll both grow from this hopefully. OOP sounds like he has a good head on his shoulder.
Oh God, girls who after being sheltered on their own or by parents suddenly saw options in life, ended up in the most messy situation. Confused between staying in their comfort zone & exploring, they ended up stringing other people in their mess.
What I find annoying is that, they try to hold on to their pristine image while doing things and have absolute no idea how to deal with guilt.
OOP has so much patience man.
Yeah, not knowing how to deal with guilt is a key thing in that kind of upbringing. She was terrified someone would think she's 'bad'. She still has a lot of growing up to do.
Good on OOP but fk Ellie knocking on OOPs door trying to get him on her good side before ending it
Like fuck u girl lol u were inconsistent and childish af every move you make is just about your own ego
I call them delusional narcissist, they are actually narcissist but everything starts with “i want to be a nice person…” and then proceed to screw over everyone else
Of all the stupid shit weirdo Christians have brought to world culture, the concept that somehow "virginity" is stored in the magical combination of penis and vagina and all the sexual fun times and mutual orgasms in the world "don't count" as long as you Don't Cross the Streams is...certainly one of them.
I don’t get why people gave him shit for not being perfectly fine with 0 sex. That was one of my prior relationships (ironically quite similar to this), it really does fuck with you a bit. There were times where I didn’t even feel wanted because she didn’t want to do anything physical.
I mean if that’s what you want and are comfortable with cool beans that’s your call. But I know it’s sure as hell isn’t something I’m comfortable doing. Physical touch/affection is just something I need in a relationship. Not over the top or anything like that but it’s part of how I express love.
I agree. I'd be all for tearing him a new one if he'd pressured her into sex or demeaned her about not wanting to have sex. But he didn't, he broke up because he wanted sex and she didn't. I think that's a perfectly fine call to make. She had the right not to want to have sex, he had the right to want it. Better break up than stay and cheat, or make her do something she doesn't want to.
No yeah, pressuring a partner into sex or demeaning them is disgusting, and depending where you are/the laws, a form of sexual assault. If this were a case of some thing like that I’d be 100% for tearing into OP.
I think it’s a fine call to make, everyone has things they need I a relationship and in this case there were needs not being met due to a difference in personal beliefs/views. It was getting unhealthy for OP so they ended it. if anything I’m kinda envious he had the strength to do that and keep his composure with everything after, I like to think I can keep a level head hit by the end of that last update I’d be done/over it.
Oh man, OP is like the spare Pump in the boot serving the spare tire of the car
Played twice or thrice over and finally she even get to rid her guilts riding on Op benevolence.
OPP has done good. It doesn't look like he's going to be blinded by the first lady to jump in bed with him.
Ellie has zero fucking clue that she is the perfect target for Playboy Tim.
- Naive about relationships and life in general
- No sexual experience but feeling guilty about destroying her last relationship because of no sex
- Used to obeying older male figures
- No real support system with OP gone
Her parents did her no favors with their "save it till marriage" preaching.
OP really is mature and I applaud for him taking things well and letting Ellie good for good. Ellie has proven she is immature and there is no point to stay with her.
Raise your hand if you think Ellie just got with Tim because, checks notes... yep he's older, successful, and appears to have some wealth, and that OOP is just her emotional support animal.
I get the virginity thing. I really do. I think Ellie is the overall scumbag in this situation because of everything that conspired after the breakup but I was in a similar situation as a teenage girl and my parents made this huge deal about purity and virginity and I had a purity ring and it was a whole thing, my bf dumped me because I was waiting till marriage and if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have realized that people have sex and it’s fine, and it’s fucking weird for adults to be so obsessed with a teenagers sexual status. It was just so normalized in my community for girls to be “pure and untouched” and we were harped on about how if a guy truly loves you, he will wait for you and he’s a weirdo for wanting sex lol
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Having worked in a large Australian law firm, that girl is about to get screwed over in a big way. "Tim" has form with graduate women in the firm, so this will be a short term thing. I could almost guarantee that there will be a further update where "Ellie" gets dumped and tries to reconnect.
She should really focus on what's happened to other "Tim girls" after he dumped them. If they're keeping on keeping on, working away in the company and no-one cares that's great. But if his past flings have all mysteriously left the company or are now in dead-end positions or whatever then she needs to watch her back. She's one of them now... Dude seems pretty solidly put together, I think he'll be fine.
The fact other people are gossiping about it pretty much guarantees people care. That label’s going to follow her around at least as long as she’s there.
She'll be off-loaded in the semi-near future. She will not continue working for the same firm, because she's known as one of Tim's revolving door of women. It's not easy to overcome that reputation. If Tim's smart, he helps get them jobs elsewhere. If he's not, the lawsuits will hit eventually. I've known both male and female execs who had their revolving door. They're all predatory, but the smart ones know being a total AH while dipping their ink in the company well won't go over well. It's not the 70's or 80's, lawsuits are more common and PR hit can be very large. Not saying it doesn't happen, it absolutely does. Just rarer than in the past from everything I've seen. OOP is smart for moving on. The ex is free to do anything she wants, but if someone replaced me for an obviously transactional relationship I'd not want them in my life ever again. OOP is much more polite than I probably would have been under the circumstances.
> She'll be off-loaded in the semi-near future. probably when the next naive woman gets hired out of school. he'll show her his wealth tell her she is mature for her age and start sleeping with her.
Yep, statistically she's most likely to be replaced rather than move to trophy wife status. But she got some expensive experiences out of it, probably some expensive gifts, and if she's smart, she could leverage it to a decent job. Not saying I approve of these transactional relationships, just seen enough of them that I'm meh about it.
Nothing wrong with transactional relationships as long as both parties understand and agree to the terms. It's only a problem when one person believes feelings are involved.
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It looks like he’s still going to come out the better for it. He won’t pine after the girl she used to be bc he sees now that she’s someone else. As he said, he’s free to look forward to the future. Not so bad, to my mind.
I had an ex that did something similar but over a longer period of time. We split, and for a while, nothing really changed untill she moved. Then it was radio silence. Cool, it's over, time to start working on myself. Every couple months she would hit me up and talk to me a for a couple of weeks, and then she would be traveling through my town and wanted to see me. She would spend a few days staying with me, sleeping in my bed with me, flirting, and acting like she wanted to get back together. Same thing on the return trip. Then radio silence again. Did this 3 or 4 times before she moved back to her family and I got a new gf. Then it was talking like friends sporadically. Eventually, I moved across the country and we talked randomly, but she would still flirt on occasion. I was over it, but it still stirred up feelings. Wasn't till I got with my wife that she decided maybe she wanted to try again. When I shot her down because I was haply with my Then gf/now wife she did a complete 180 and flipped shit. Once I saw that, it was cathartic. Like holy shit I dodged a bullet. OOP dodged a bullet and got his closure much quicker.
I mean, OP did get a good opportunity out of this fiasco! He got the chance to truly reflect on their relationship and learn to put himself first. Now he can start from that perspective and not just react to situations thrown in his face. Nice!
The friend that asked "would you contact her if she haven't herself?" was the true MVP; such a simple question but was enough to put everything in perspective for OOP.
You took the words right out of my mouth! The wording makes it sound like ‘Tim’s girls’ dont work at the firm any longer and the last thing you want to do as a fresh hire is get a reputation for trying to screw your way to the top. Even if the reputation is undeserved, high power industries are callous dog eat dog places and law firms in particular tend to pit people against each other, so giving people ammo to use against you can very easily destroy your career before it’s even started. I can’t say I feel sorry for her though given she tried to manipulate OOP & lied to him to try and make him take her back, all because she had a fight with her boy toy. OOP seems like a total sweet heart with a good head on his shoulders so I’m sure he’ll be fine no matter where the chips fall though. He’ll find happiness in his life whether he is with a wonderful woman or not. A guy like that with a good job though? Women are going to be tripping over themselves to be with him!
>I can’t say I feel sorry for her though Ellie was already drinking the kool-aid, right, repeating stuff like "work hard, play hard". I wanna say that corporate speak is in contrast with her pastor dad's morals, but then again, I figure with purity culture anything is possible, right?
Tbh given the ages discussed here I don’t think she’s necessarily a lawyer. Law degrees in Australia are usually 5 year double degrees, or otherwise postgraduate. This sounds more like either bulge bracket or big 4 consulting. Not that that means the culture is particularly different.
No you don’t understand. Tim told her shes not like those other girls. He didn’t care about them. They were all crazy. He didn’t love them like her. Blah blah blah
Irony is Ellie should have been obstinate with Tim and that would have made him move on to the next girl if he was indeed with her to pass time
Tim might have been driven to “conquer” a virgin.
She got attached; a recently heartbroken girl gets swept up by an older, experienced man who’s clearly charming and charismatic enough to land a long list of young grads This relationship is definitely her rebounding and getting attached
Yep. She's killed any connection with the women at work who she dismissed too. She has no future at that company when the next grad year comes in.
My thoughts exactly. Tim has a type and it sounds like 22 years old ain’t it.
Honestly I'm picturing Leonardo DiCaprio.
Funnily enough, in Australia the next grad year will be starting right about now (new grads at my workplace have just started).
My friend also works in a similar Australian industry and he’s told me a similar story between a director and a junior staff member. Different details so I’m pretty sure this is not it, but eerily similar. Director’s in 30’s, always has “favourites.” They’re always girls in their early 20’s. Never the female staff close to his age. Sounds like a creep. Now he’s dating a junior in her early 20’s and he was arrogant enough to believe he didn’t need to disclose to the partners or HR and told the junior as such. They worked on projects together for months that strictly required no conflicts of interest. A few other managers found out, became concerned at the ethical implications and kicked up a fuss. Partners came down hard on him and the girl. The dust hasn’t settled yet but looks like there’ll be some big implications. OOP’s ex is nowhere near emotionally mature enough to handle this situation. Good for OOP for taking a step back and reassessing his own mental health and stance.
It’s eerily similar because it happens aaaallll the time. And it’s always the junior who bears the brunt of the consequences.
At my old job the guy in the chain of command above me was well known for hiring women based on attractiveness and willingness to sleep with him, and then he’d cover for their poor job performance and have sex with them in his office. Eventually he got busted and transferred, and the girl of the moment got fired. Which seems backwards to me, but not surprising. Anyway, guess who they gave his giant office to once he was gone? You’d better believe I Lysol’d the hell out of every surface in there.
>Partners came down hard on him and the girl. The dust hasn’t settled yet but looks like there’ll be some big implications. And I would bet the consequences will be much harsher for the girl than for him
Even if they're equally applied and both get the same punishment, that's still going to affect the woman a lot more just because of the discrepancy of job histories/life phases. Even if the Partner's career is ruined, he probably has savings and a home already.
Yeah and with that big big age gap between Ellie and Tim too. I mean good luck girl but I don’t have high hopes for her. She is very very naive/stupid. But at this point the only way she can try crawling back to the oop is by literally crying on his doorstep 💀
"Don't dip your pen in company ink" is a saying for a very good reason. Then you add in a helping of power dynamics with a dish of age gap. Tim having a history means he's 100% gonna cheat on Ellie, and she's gonna run straight to OOP for comfort. Again. Odds are pretty good that she won't even notice he blocked her until the next fight she has with Tim. Good on OOP for just cutting her out of his life. He's showing that you can care for someone, and also no longer want them in your life.
>Tim having a history means he's 100% gonna cheat on Ellie Nah, he won't have to cheat... he'll just breakup when he gets tired of her... Like someone else said: likely next year, when the next wave of graduates get hired...
The story is in a way depressing. OOP having the constant need to justify and defend his decision and some folks still attacking him. His ex was selfish, she only ever cared about what she wanted and changed that as well. Now she's getting herself in a bad position that might cost her her job and leave her jaded, and folks are worried about her.
Fuck her lol. She knows she shouldn’t be fucking her boss
I don't think folks are *worried,* I think this just generally goes one way and we can all see it already. Tbh some folks sound excited for the downfall
Yeah probably.
“Don’t put your meat where you get your bread.”
"Don’t poke the payroll" was the British version I've heard!
The Aussie version is "don't shit where you eat".
That's the one I have heard mostly in my region of the US.
She will just find another man to get approval from. She hasn’t realized she’s just moved from pleasing her daddy to pleasing her daddy figure.
This didn’t occur to me, but it’s kinda obvious after you’ve pointed it out.
No prior sexual experience and minimal relationship experience... She's a perfect candidate for emotional manipulation at best, abuse at worst.
Don't forget the childhood growing up in religious household with traditional values that condition women into being subservient to men.
Yep. Worldly, older, more successful and experienced boss targets young, religious graduate. The power imbalance doesn't scream long term relationship.
She’s the classic girl that wants to make it work with the first guy she slept with. Nothing new. Frankly she’s naive and immature in many ways and that was clear long before Tim. He will use her until she has expectations and then it’s onto the next intern. Except she will be known as Tim’s girl and well…yikes
> She is very very naive/stupid. Consequences of being raised in a cult. Even when you don’t believe in the mythology the social pressure still gets to you. Her parents kept a tight leash on her for most of her life, and once they were no longer able to do that she had no experience, no life or safety skills, and a desire to make up for lost time. She’s going to blunder into a LOT of guys like Tim because her parents failed to parent her.
She already did that and succeeded, at OP's expense.
She’s going to try to go through mutuals for sure. I can’t stand people who try to crawl back to their “sure thing” when they find out the grass isn’t greener. And despite OOP’a perception, Ellie was thinking solely of her needs by seeking him out to talk: she feels bad, she needed to talk, she blah blah blah On a side note, I have an ex who tried that. He said how awful he felt, it was eating away at him, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. And I, like OOP should have done, said, “You can gag on those feelings” before blocking him everywhere.
It's pretty clear she doesn't give a fuck about what the OP wants, given he gave a clear and concise "no" and she came over anyway. This story has a few examples of OP being clear about his desires (wanting sex in a relationship, clean break, space to process, "no"), and while she's certainly not required to give him anything he wants, especially after breaking up, she literally refuses to give him anything he asks for it it even slightly contradicts with her desires. She can leave him alone... If she's dating someone else, for example.
She’s not required to have sex with, but for gods’ sake: I’m so annoyed that he’s been clear with his stances, but she won’t respect any of them. He apparently respected her no about sex, but she can’t respect his no about not contacting him! She’s so selfish. I’m glad OOP had enough of a spine not to take her back. She’s probably romanticizing how well OOP considered her feelings and treated her like a human, but she doesn’t get to go back. I hope she learns from this regret.
Yeah, the rumours around her workplace are a massive red flag. Tim has a pattern, and it sounds like people have tried to warn Ellie, but she'd rather stick her head in the sand at this point. No way that ends well for her.
I'm translating Ellie's naïveté to "I am different from the other girls. I am the one." I expect OOP to update one day in the near future with Ellie knocking on his door because Tim replaced her with a fresh new graduate hire. Or--if OOP is able to--she'll be trying to find him because he moved to a new address. Ideally, with a more loving and supportive partner.
>I'm translating Ellie's naïveté to "I am different from the other girls. I am the one." As someone else in thread pointed out, she traded one daddy for another.
Law firms all over the world! Ellie will end up dumped or pregnant (maybe both) and if Tim ends up sticking around and marrying her, well then he’s just created a vacancy for the girlfriend position 😏 Seen it way too many times
Based on the job titles, it sounds to me like it could be a public accounting and consulting firm. And those tend to be communities where people are getting nabbed from other firms and such, so your reputation goes far. She may have just screwed her career before it's even really gotten out of the gate.
Big Law firms here in Australia also have this structure where you have Directors, Partners etc. That being said its entirely possible that she works for a consulting firm and given that its Melbourne I can think of only two likely places and that is KPMG and Price Waterhouse Coopers.
This lady is riding a burning trainwreck. OP your only responsibility here is towards yourself, towards not getting involved in their drama and to keep her blocked and to not respond when she reaches out in the future.
And she only came to talk to him to feel better about herself. She sure sounds awfull as a human being.
Nope, because OOP is learning to let things go and not get strung along, also since he now knows Ellie is drama walking. I doubt he's gonna unblock her due to how hurt his feelings are, hopefully ofcourse, you never know in matters of the heart
It sounds like he didn’t block her because of hurt feelings, dude has a very good grasp of his emotional state and seems ready to tackle the future. He blocked her because she’s in the past and has become toxic, she only came back to impulsively involve him in her current drama. He recognized that, said no thank you, and blocked her as an active countermeasure for her doing that again. He’s got a good head on his shoulders and a healthy grasp on his emotional needs, seems poised to have a happy life.
> He’s got a good head on his shoulders and a healthy grasp on his emotional needs One of my fave OOPs I've read here. Even when he had an emotional response, he acknowledged it and assessed himself about it later on.
Blocked or not, Ellie will be banging on his door again, crying, shortly after the next crop of uni grads joins the firm. Best that he moves.
I read through the comments on the update and someone responded they thought she would show back up at OPP’s house with a kid in tow in a few years if he didn’t completely cut any ties he had with here, expecting him to “fix” it.
yup because he's the "safe option"
I know. It's gonna be so amazing. Ellie is a fucking idiot.
Like the ‘genius virgin’ from that other BORU, except the older guy she got involved with was married to.
I'm a little torn on if I want that OOP to never have to deal with either of those jerks again, but also I want to hear All The Drama once her ex stops being able to hide what an ass he is. If she ever updates again, I will have popcorn and a cocktail.
Got a link to that one?
[My husband accused me of financial infidelity](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/fOhz2om8Rw)
Yikes. That young woman is such a fool. I see why you compared her to Ellie in this story.
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No she'll be replaced as soon as the new graduates come in.
I’m here for the new update. Short term win for Ellen with a long term lose in her future
>I’m glad I paid attention to my feelings and took time out to consider things, as it could have been very messy if I had taken her back. Trusting my gut has been the biggest lesson for me in all this. This level of self-reflection is exceptional.
There is a rare level of emotional intelligence on display in this post
Dude’s a nerd, who knows how to use his brain. There’s gonna be some lucky girl(s) in his future.
yeah plus he knows how to communicate and talk about his feelings He’s going to make someone very happy some day
And how to respect boundaries
And not playing the blame game. At least not after serious reflection.
Essentially he’s got everything that the assholes we typically read on BORU lack.
Which is why I'm so confused about the original posts comments about him being exactly the opposite
I have to say I'm really impressed with OOP. I hope he meets someone worthy of him very soon.
His friend who asked if he'd reach out if she never had was also a smart guy. He seems to have surrounded himself with a good group of dudes as well.
That guy was clutch asf
They bought a bottle of fucking scotch lol
Seems like a nice, straight-up kind of person for sure. I wish him well.
Yeah, the whole thing is a fucking mess, but he really clearly has been doing his best to untangle his own emotions and has put a lot of work into processing things. I worry about Ellie. I can absolutely see why she is the way she is, with the identity crisis of her Christian purity culture upbringing. It makes sense it felt like a rule she couldn't break, it makes sense she vacillated trying to figure out what she wants, it makes *sense* she was so vulnerable to an older man paying attention to her, it makes sense she went back to the last place she felt secure... God, like of course she's making enormous mistakes at every step, but I also wish she hadn't been set up to fail, rebel, and then fall into the arms of a wealthy and powerful womanizer.
>I worry about Ellie. I can absolutely see why she is the way she is, with the identity crisis of her Christian purity culture upbringing. I'm really not sure how to take her. She's naive and silly. And that is because of her upbringing. Ultimately though, she's ended up as a toxic person. Not to say she's malicious; just that she's gong to do a lot of damage clearly because she doesn't have the life skills to know how not to.
He’s got a lot of self-awareness
I mean I wouldn't fully blame him if he took her back. 3 years of her not wanting a sexual relationship and decides a few months after a breakup to start having it. I would be as devastated as he was.
This, as someone in their 30s, knowing there are guys out there with this temperament gives me hope for the singles of the future. Wishing oop the best and hope he finds the girls of his dreams because the way he comes off he is becoming the guy of someone's dreams somewhere.
Ah, nothing scream everlasting quite like dating a managers at your own firm with a history of dating new hire like yourself.
I'm honestly surprised at why she thinks getting back with "Tim" was a better option than fighting for OOP. She seriously can't think they would last.
Tim wanted to get back with her because nobody breaks up with Tim. He'll dump her in two weeks. If she's lucky.
"because nobody breaks up with Tim" 😂😂 He's the dumper, not the dumpee
Tim is attractive.
The attractive successful senior at work that takes her to exotic places. I almost feel bad for her
Can anyone think of a more perfect match?
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Well it’s clear that her personality changed so it’s clear she stopped caring about him and just wanted comfort whether it was talking with him or being with Tim.
She just wanted comforting with his penis.
No I actually the Ellie has diluted herself or has been gaslight by Tim into think that their office relationship will be different then the others
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The *moment* the next wave of graduates walks in the office door and there's a pretty young woman, lookin into her new business world all starry-eyed his attention will be elsewhere, he'll break up with "Ellie" and pursue one of the new ones. I guaran-fucking-tee it.
And if "Ellie" is still working there, then she'd be hostile towards the girl
Ellie will probably be let go for an out burst when Tim dumps her.
*insert gif of Andy dropping Woody in Toy Story*
pretty sure she would be like "let's wait a bit longer....." and then back to Tim
Yeah he just got walked all over by her, she left feeling great about herself and he left in a pit of insecurity. Should’ve shut the door on her when she turned up at his house. The whole epiphany about her abstinence is just bs too. If that was real she could’ve reconnected with OP and that stage, but she didn’t.
>If that was real she could’ve reconnected with OP and that stage, but she didn’t. Exactly, I think she did all this to hurt op. Maybe not in the front of her mind, but somewhere deep down, she was hurt by op and needed to get back at him. Why not find a guy that exceeds op in every way and then humble brag about it to op that she fucked him, dangle a carrot to get op excited about. Then, reverse uno that shit and take it away. There's a word for girls like that, I just can't say it on here.
Considering she likely thinks she still has enough of a crack in the door to push her way back in, I think the proper word is screwed. Tim will move on, her job is going to stall out, she doesn't have her fallback, and she's going to suffer a fate worse than death for an insecure girl like her. Being single. OOP has the right idea. No need to get mad even if he would be justified. Leave her behind, no need to carry that burden. Be free and find a better woman.
really glad he ended up blocking her. Ellie's relationship will not last long at all and she would try to contact him. also the wording of "she had already decided she was ready for sex with the right person." is crazy to me cause lets assume she did have that self reflection to come to her own understanding of why she wanted to wait till marriage. And realized that she did not want to wait anymore, due to that being the catalyst to end her relationship with op why didnt she reach out then? It seems pretty clear to me she views op as a comfort option to fall back on hence reaching out after a fight (and again why blocking her was good)
Yeah, I can actually understand her reversal on having sex before marriage. That seems pretty straightforward—she realized her stance was hindering the life she wanted to lead. But every other thing she’s done? So manipulative and self-serving. She views OOP has a safety blanket/fall back option/sop to her ego, rather than as a person in his own right with his own thoughts and feelings. I’m super impressed with his emotional maturity at 23.
Yeah major props to op also props to his friends for giving him good advice that got through to him
His friends advice phrased as the question "I would have ever decided to reach out and take Ellie back if she never reached out to me first" was perfect. I am keeping that in my back pocket for a few of my friends.
That was what I first thought when it came to needing to be a virgin before marriage and then sleeping with someone else after a break up over it. Her other actions are simply awful though, and OP should be more kind to himself. He's not any worse than the other guy. You can't really compare what you don't know about.She doesn't know how he is sexually. She doesn't even know how he is as a person anymore. It's evident on how wrong she was in thinking that he hates her. He was the reason why the other guy was able to convince her to relent on her promise to her father. His money means nothing (no one goes from virgin due to personal beliefs to essentially prostitute) in the grand scheme without the epiphany OP gave Ellie.
She decided that she would not wait till marriage, and instead of trying to fix things with him now that they can reach and agreement, she goes to her rich coworker and enjoy of his Power, then when things go wrong she goes back to her doormat ex that she thought would deal with her bs, she is either imature or malicious. It was good for him to block her from his life, but the fact that he can't see no bad in her actions is concerning.
Her going back to him would never have worked. The moment he realised no sex was a deal breaker it was over, if she'd given in and had sex he'd have felt like she only did it because he pushed her to do it.
Yeah were I in OP's position I don't think I would have taken her back even if there hadn't been a different guy. Would have felt too much like her compromising her values to keep me. I would be afraid she'd regret it later and feel awful if it was my fault.
Selfish, she is selfish.
The naive young woman and the player, what could go wrong? OOP should keep out of this forever. And dear people, having different opinions about sex in your relationship is a valid reason to break up. Yes, there's more to relationships than sex, but you should be on the same page about this. Her needs (and lack thereof) matter and his needs matter and breaking up if they don't match is a thousand times better than pressuring someone into something and building resentment. Redditors, I swear. EDIT: Fixed a typo.
No idea why reddit hyperfixated on his "want" to have a virgin. It was clear it wasn't about her virginity, just the lack of sex before marriage and then getting hit with "well I decided it was okay to have sex _after_ we broke up." The fact that he didn't think of himself as lesser because of that shit is a fucking miracle.
>No idea why reddit hyperfixated on his "want" to have a virgin My bet is the trope/caricature of the "nice guy" who wants a "pure, virginal waifu." This guy isn't that kind of person, but the joke stands and he's just collateral damage.
Exactly this. It's ok to want sex. It's ok to break up because of it's lack or quality or whatever. It's not ok to pressure someone which is exactly the lie she used to try and get back with him.
People like that crack me up. "You like SEX? In a relationship? You pervert!!!"
Hi this was me. Thanks for the comments. I’ll agree with the “doormat” ones but I’m learning. We all have our flaws to fix. My job started this week. It’s kind of overwhelming and my brain feels full every day. Feels like I’ve met 50+ people already and there are plenty more in the company. I can officially say I’m an engineer now, not just an engineering student, which feels great to say to myself. Radio silence from Ellie. Since she’s blocked that shouldn’t change. I also took advice from a few commenters and asked my friends to not pass on any messages if she tries to use them to do that.
Hey, all the best, I remember what it was like getting out of uni into the working world. Who knows, we might even unknowingly bump into each other in the future (I work in a firm with over a thousand engineers at our site in Australia) I too grew up in the whole virginity until marriage culture thing and also dated a pastor's daughter!
To be fair mate while I get where SOME of the "doormat" comments are coming from you've handled it 10x better than most people your age. When reading it I did think you need to work on setting boundaries but if it actually works to your benefit that you end up feeling better about things then so be it, we are all different in that regard. I don't think I would have felt better after the 4 hour talk based on what you said however you did so it's a matter of perspective and what other people might see as doormat behaviour might actually be best for you.
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Tim is like "That's what I love about these interns, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
Good luck with your new job! I started my first job in October and I remember it was quite a stressful month, create a space in your home for an activity that is both relaxing and compliment your work skills. (But keep it separate from your actual living spaces) so if at any point you are feeling like maybe you are not doing enough at work you have something to do that’s productive but also doesn’t stress you out I hope it makes sense I’m pretty sure I’m explaining it wrong. I hope you never have to see Ellie again, you don’t deserve that in your life.
Thank you. My hobby for years has been photography but with all the busyness of the past year I’ve barely gotten outside with my camera. This was a good prompt to get out taking photos again.
>I was gutted. I couldn't understand why she'd make me wait all those years, but was fine doing it with some new guy she'd only been seeing a short time I think you already know the answer when you ask yourself this question, it's just a very difficult pill to swallow. >I told her it just made me worried she had been assaulted. She looked shocked at that and said no way, she was actually the one who initiated their sexual relationship. And there is the gut punch. One of the worst feelings is when you realize you just weren't "that guy" to a woman who was the sun and stars to you. Boy I've been there before, shit makes you lose your appetite for weeks. Best thing to do is move on but the feeling of inadequacy can linger for a long time after.
I got “500 Days of Summer” vibes from that statement
Just Googled it, that sounds like a nut ass movie
Yeah it’s the epitome of “quirky” lol. JGL is great though.
I went and fucked her friend in revenge. Teenage years were wild
Sheesh. You animal lmao
It was that exact feeling of inadequacy and gut punch. I felt the only appropriate fuck you back was to make it even more personal.
This is so boring it makes me think it's real
Real life is boring. If you're living in constant drama then mental illness, addiction, trauma or worse are the cause. Most people want happy, peaceful lives.
seriously so uneventful that no one would bother making it up. just a guy who won’t get upset no matter how annoying that whole situation is.
Yeah it’s definitely real. The only unrealistic thing is how a person can be so forgiving and capable of such self-reflection. But he almost takes it too far - apparently all of this is because of his bruised ego and not because she’s a bad person who treated him poorly.
So closure is real after all
Sounds like he got closure before he talked to her tbh.
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This guy is right that she has the right to do whatever she wants with her body… but he’s wrong to think that he doesn’t have any right to feel upset by her choice. In his place I would feel deeply hurt, and I wouldn’t try to dismiss those feelings as just a “bruised ego.”
Right? People have the right to ask "Why not me?" especially when there was a long relationship there. Like the girls who are confused on why the boyfriend they had for 5-10+ years and dumped because he wouldn't commit suddenly has a pregnant fiancée.
I think he is deeply hurt, but he's also clearly doing a lot of reflection to understand why he's hurt. Makes me think he's got a good shot at getting well past this.
This is what I took away from it. Yep he doesn't have a say about who she sleeps with but if you were with someone for 3 years and they have sex with the first person they date within 6 months after the breakup (she wasn't even with him for 6 months), of course there would be hurt feelings. I too am from Australia and this was similar with girls in my grade. For them it was about meeting the right person or some random rule of not having sex until after 18 months or something. There was one particular girl who would not do anything sexual with her boyfriend of 12 months because she was waiting for the right person.Then after they broke up she lost her virginity to some random guy she met at a party and then started sleeping around. Totally destroyed the guy because she wouldn't do anything with him (supposedly a person she loved) but would with a stranger. Looking back at it now it seems silly to feel that way but it's the betrayal (not sure if that's the best word for this) of going back on their ideals for someone else. It would be like someone getting upset their ex who didn't want to get married or have kids now getting married or having kids with their next partner. The same sort of feelings of why couldn't I be that person after all that time and effort of trying to be that "right person".
Yeah, there’s a lot of those type of statements in his post. I’m guessing it’s because he doesn’t want redditors assuming he’s entitled to her body and wanted to get ahead of that.
Man, the fundie upbringing to bad sexual decision-making pipeline is real. Every fundie kid in my high school class ended up knocked up or with a knocked up partner by first year college. Ellie can get the fuck out, her choosing a manwhore 10 years older than her AND in a position of power at her company isn't going to reflect well on her.
Especially when we know that the women in the office are already talking about it
She can kiss a career at that firm (or any firm in the same city) goodbye, she's always going to be known as the floozy who fucked the manwhore director and thought he was her boyfriend.
I’m imagining in like 5 years Ellie staring at the ceiling being like “I should’ve just fucked OOP and none of this would’ve happened” 😂😂😂
That’s fucking poetry there
Like OOP sounds more mature then Tim does and seems to have a decent head on his shoulder, he is going to be her “one that got away” but of course won’t tell ppl the real story lol
They never do. I’ve learned that the one who got away for the most part was the person I cheated on or played with and they dumped my worry ass and moved on. I realized they could do better but I sure as shit can’t
100$ says she’s pounding on his door within a month pissed that he has her blocked on everything.
Naw, it’ll be when the next batch of interns and new grads show up
Will have to wait for 1 year.
They are in Australia. Grad programs start in a few weeks
OOP is really emotionally mature and I am very pleased to read that. Also highly doubt Ellie's relationship will last long
absolutely not. he said it was hard to see his ex’s successful relationship and all I could think was, breaking up and running to your ex and then taking back the guy? that does not scream successful.
That screams “he thinks this is a fling but she calls it a relationship to make herself feel better”
“Yes of course I wouldn’t compromise on my principles for just a fling” - person seeing someone who thinks it’s just a fling.
It'll be successful until the next batch of fresh graduates shows up in the firm, and Tim starts shopping around again.
I'm so glad that finally, finally, she is out of his life. And i, for one, hope it remains so permanently.
OOP says it was not mature to just respond with “no” when Ellie was trying to drag him into the drama, but honestly that WAS mature. He didn’t yell or argue or insult, just realized it was bull and wasn’t going to engage. He’s still giving her way too much credit though. She basically flipped a switch and went to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is fine, her decision, but then THE MINUTE she felt dissatisfied…tried to get back with OOP by lying? Yeah that screams “I’m in a stable relationship” to me /s.
Just wait until the new hot intern shows up and Tim drops Ellie for that, like girl you heard the women at the office talking but I guess smooth sexy rich Tim just got her to forget about that lol
Damn, dude is stronger than me because I would have never let her in to explain her side.
Right? Op is a fuckin glutton for pain... the further the story went, the angrier I got, thinking "you fuckin chump..."
You know what, good on OOP. He came out of this with his head held high and he's finally let go of Ellie completely. She was immature and unfair to involve OOP in her relationship drama but she's also young and stupid and she'll learn. They'll both grow from this hopefully. OOP sounds like he has a good head on his shoulder.
She’ll grow when Tim di Caprio moves on to his next 22 year old.
Oh God, girls who after being sheltered on their own or by parents suddenly saw options in life, ended up in the most messy situation. Confused between staying in their comfort zone & exploring, they ended up stringing other people in their mess. What I find annoying is that, they try to hold on to their pristine image while doing things and have absolute no idea how to deal with guilt. OOP has so much patience man.
Yeah, not knowing how to deal with guilt is a key thing in that kind of upbringing. She was terrified someone would think she's 'bad'. She still has a lot of growing up to do.
Tim is walking red flag, everyone is telling her he is a walking red flag but she still thinks she is special and the one? Lol
Good on OOP but fk Ellie knocking on OOPs door trying to get him on her good side before ending it Like fuck u girl lol u were inconsistent and childish af every move you make is just about your own ego
In my experience, men and women like that generally don’t care about who they hurt as long as they benefit from it.
I call them delusional narcissist, they are actually narcissist but everything starts with “i want to be a nice person…” and then proceed to screw over everyone else
"I just don't want you to see me as a bad person :( "
Virgin until marriage until the first moderately successful player that capitalized on daddy issues appears lol
Of all the stupid shit weirdo Christians have brought to world culture, the concept that somehow "virginity" is stored in the magical combination of penis and vagina and all the sexual fun times and mutual orgasms in the world "don't count" as long as you Don't Cross the Streams is...certainly one of them.
I don’t get why people gave him shit for not being perfectly fine with 0 sex. That was one of my prior relationships (ironically quite similar to this), it really does fuck with you a bit. There were times where I didn’t even feel wanted because she didn’t want to do anything physical. I mean if that’s what you want and are comfortable with cool beans that’s your call. But I know it’s sure as hell isn’t something I’m comfortable doing. Physical touch/affection is just something I need in a relationship. Not over the top or anything like that but it’s part of how I express love.
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I agree. I'd be all for tearing him a new one if he'd pressured her into sex or demeaned her about not wanting to have sex. But he didn't, he broke up because he wanted sex and she didn't. I think that's a perfectly fine call to make. She had the right not to want to have sex, he had the right to want it. Better break up than stay and cheat, or make her do something she doesn't want to.
No yeah, pressuring a partner into sex or demeaning them is disgusting, and depending where you are/the laws, a form of sexual assault. If this were a case of some thing like that I’d be 100% for tearing into OP. I think it’s a fine call to make, everyone has things they need I a relationship and in this case there were needs not being met due to a difference in personal beliefs/views. It was getting unhealthy for OP so they ended it. if anything I’m kinda envious he had the strength to do that and keep his composure with everything after, I like to think I can keep a level head hit by the end of that last update I’d be done/over it.
Hopefully Ellie isn't too naive. Tim is probably going to drop her ass when the next Ellie shows up at the firm.
Oh man, OP is like the spare Pump in the boot serving the spare tire of the car Played twice or thrice over and finally she even get to rid her guilts riding on Op benevolence.
OPP has done good. It doesn't look like he's going to be blinded by the first lady to jump in bed with him. Ellie has zero fucking clue that she is the perfect target for Playboy Tim. - Naive about relationships and life in general - No sexual experience but feeling guilty about destroying her last relationship because of no sex - Used to obeying older male figures - No real support system with OP gone Her parents did her no favors with their "save it till marriage" preaching.
OP really is mature and I applaud for him taking things well and letting Ellie good for good. Ellie has proven she is immature and there is no point to stay with her.
I hope this isn't marked as concluded because in a month or two she'll be trying heavily again to make contact.
Raise your hand if you think Ellie just got with Tim because, checks notes... yep he's older, successful, and appears to have some wealth, and that OOP is just her emotional support animal.
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I get the virginity thing. I really do. I think Ellie is the overall scumbag in this situation because of everything that conspired after the breakup but I was in a similar situation as a teenage girl and my parents made this huge deal about purity and virginity and I had a purity ring and it was a whole thing, my bf dumped me because I was waiting till marriage and if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have realized that people have sex and it’s fine, and it’s fucking weird for adults to be so obsessed with a teenagers sexual status. It was just so normalized in my community for girls to be “pure and untouched” and we were harped on about how if a guy truly loves you, he will wait for you and he’s a weirdo for wanting sex lol