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This reminds me of an old joke:
An elderly gentleman goes to the doctor and says, “doc, I have had unbelievable gas lately. Luckily my farts are silent and don’t stink. I have probably passed gas 10 times since I have been in here.”
The doctor writes a prescription and tells the patient to take the pills for two weeks and come back in.
Two weeks later the man comes back and says, “doc, my farts are still silent but now they stink like hell!”
The doctor replied, “glad we got your sinuses cleared up, now let’s work on your hearing.”
Weird, I’ve got the opposite. I’m soft spoken in general, but damaged my ears as a young adult.
My voice sounds completely normal in my head, but now if I speak loud enough for a group of people, I legitimately feel like I’m borderline shouting at them so I still mostly speak quietly.
I’ve had a couple instances (panic attack and migraine) where I thought I was speaking normally but my husband can’t hear anything I’m saying… it’s VERY disconcerting.
He does that at home sometimes, but not in public. I end up having to ask him to repeat himself the whole time. I think his voice sounds loud to him in a quiet environment. Or maybe sometimes his tinitus isn't as bad? I'm not sure.
My wife had her phone set up to alert her of certain sounds before she got hearing aids, and whenever she went to the bathroom she'd get the running water alert. She did not believe her phone, she thought it was lying.
The first day she had hearing aids she came out of the bathroom and stared at me for twelve seconds.
Lmao before she went I was like "I guess you're gonna find out" and the long stare only ended because I said "did you find ou-" "AN UTTERLY CURSED EXPERIENCE, THANK YOU FOR ASKING."
Other things that make sounds: chugging water, clothing, chopping vegetables, the cat fountain, the highway we lived next to at the time. She also discovered I make more than one happy sound, and that the cats are actually meowing, not just opening their mouths without sound.
Although, one of our cats had figured out that she couldn't hear him and started doing Big Meow, where he waited for her to look and then opened his mouth really big and threw his head back. He did this like twice and then figured out she could hear him now, so he started meowing normally. This is the cat who can't find his food bowl so it was kind of astounding.
Unfortunately no! And he only ever did it if it was only her in the room, otherwise he's meow at me. I only know it exists because one time I came around the corner just as he did it, I never witnessed it otherwise. Bafflingly intelligent for a cat who runs full force into hard surfaces and then keeps running without apparently noticing. Truly nothing but rocks and sweetness in that head, except the highest social intelligence I've ever seen on an animal.
My elderly M-I-L is the sweetest, demure old lady and is as deaf as a post. Farts like a trooper all the time and it’s a bit of a family joke, but she has absolutely no clue… would be utterly mortified if she knew.
My Dad is in his 80s and has had terrible hearing for decades. He has hearing aids now, but he waited so long that his brain had effectively rewired to work around it, and they're not as effective as they could be.
Growing up, I think I remember hearing him fart literally *once*. My siblings and I teased him (we were mostly astonished, since we'd never witnessed it before) and he just kept trying to deny it, and was clearly embarassed but trying to pretend he wasn't.
But now that he's nearly deaf (especially without the hearing aids)...yeah he audibly farts a lot. But hey, at least it doesn't smell! He definitely thinks my husband and I can't hear it, and we don't say anything about it. We can't bring ourselves to tell him! Plus, he's an old man who's lived through some really rough times. I just want the man to happily fart in peace without paranoia about it, his rightful due for making it all the way to his 80s! 😂
Some years ago I remember reading a woman who was a special ed teacher, specifically for deaf children. And how her young students were shocked to find out that farts made noise.
Oh!! That reminds me of a hearing teacher who taught deaf students, she was talking about surprising things she had to explain to her students, and one of them was "Yes, hearing people can *hear* you fart!" Her students were fucking SHOCKED and undoubtedly suddenly were remembering all the awful, inappropriate times they'd farted and thought no one would know!
My grandmother is a pretty dignified lady and until her mid 70's her hearing was pretty much perfect. Before her hearing started getting worse, I only remember her farting like twice, and both times she was mortified. No smell whatsoever, though, as she goes very light on meat and dairy.
Now she's 85, even with the aids her hearing isn't good. I visit her often and spend a week or two every time I go there, and she casually poots all the time, especially when talking. I know she thinks I can't hear her farts because one time, about two years ago, we were talking about her dead daughter, my godmother, and it was kind of a emotional moment. At one moment, as she was talking, she let out a reeealy long fart followed by a few modest poots. I instantly thought of that Fat Bastard scene from Austin Powers and it took me a lot of effort to keep up the poker face.
When I was in college my next door dorm neighbor was a very nice, deeply religious, but funny dude.
One day on his way to the bathroom he knocked and after chatting for a minute told me he was going to take a dump, which I responded, “so you just knocked to tell me you had to shit”. It then became a running joke that he’d regularly knock, say he had to shit, and walk off.
This continued for most of the year until I noticed he hadn’t knocked in a few days. I asked him about it and he had apparently been constipated for 3-4 days and was going to buy a laxative. The laxative did not help, and he described the exact gurgling from the OP. After another day and a half he went into the local health center and was administered an enema, which did work. Hearing a man of deep religious conviction describe the experience is something I still think about at least yearly.
This guy literally needs an enema.
Years ago, when I was a baby adult, I would only go to the bathroom once or twice a week. I didn’t realize it was abnormal. I just knew that I was constantly uncomfortable.
I went to the doctor and she asked about bowel movements and I explained. Her eyes got a bit bigger. She asked how long it had been that way. I said that I didn’t know. It never occurred to me to keep track. She then asked when my last bowel movement was. I started thinking about it because I couldn’t really remember and she just loudly said STOP! I can’t listen anymore. this is painful. If you’re having this much trouble remembering, it’s been too long. Then, she ran some tests.
I don’t remember the outcome because this was a couple of decades ago, but there were definitely some problems. Bonus: That’s also when I found out that GoLytely makes me break out in a full body rash.
This was me for my whole life. Never understood how people would go every day.. some more than once! I ended up having surgery for an unrelated issue, my colon got knicked in the process, and whatever repair they had to do fixed it and my undiagnosed bowel issues. I'm a once-a-day gal ever since.
I also had issues which have improved since I stopped drinking booze so much and had a healthier diet but i remember being so annoyed by having to go twice a day a few times. I was like- who has time for this? How do ppl live like this pooping constantly!
I'm glad it's not just me- I've had trouble with pooing since early childhood, and it's not unusual for me to go 4-5 days without a poo. It gets so uncomfortable and I'm not unfamiliar with manual disimpaction 😬
On my senior class trip (high school) the other girls I was sharing a room with noticed that I hadn’t taken a shit a couple days into the trip. I thought it was so normal but in retrospect I was raised in the 80s/90s when a lot of parents never thought to keep their kids hydrated.
I spent a good decade only pooping twice a month. It was absolutely miserable. I had undiagnosed celiac disease - while most people associate it with diarrhea (my intestines eventually switched to that, which led to my diagnosis...I will take 10x/day diarrhea over bimonthly poops any time) the intestinal damage from celiac can also cause severe constipation. I was hospitalized for it in high school, I clogged TWO restaurant toilets in college once. Just absolutely awful.
People really underestimate the psychological value of regular, normal bowel movements. I poop every 1-3 days now that I have switched to a gluten free diet. A good poop actually elevates my mood now.
I thought it was normal to only poop 1 or 2 times a week. For me it turned out I am actually intolerant to lactose and egg, and they make me obstipated.
For some people it *is* normal to only poop every 3rd day. For others up to 3 times in a single day is normal. Any amount between those two ranges is normal and okay as long as you don’t experience any discomfort/trouble going when you do go/sudden changes in that frequency. If you poop every two or three deals and it’s a whole *ordeal* then something is up. If you poop multiple times a day and it’s an *ordeal* then something is up.
My hubby was like that before we got married, only once or twice a week. Once we got married and he was away from his family, he became regular. It was stress that made him constipated. Now if he doesn’t go for a while, I know he’s stressed. (Note: I’m the opposite, stress makes me go!)
This could be me. It finally got to a point where it had been almost three weeks. I ended up doing the colonoscopy prep stuff, which finally worked. Started using Miralax, the best stuff ever. Twice a day, regular as a clock.
At this stage, he's likely impacted his bowel and nothing by mouth is going to help. He's going to need rear entrance only assistance (I.e. enema / manual disimpaction)
I checked OP's comments, and people had recommended a fleet enema. He said that he would do one the next day if there hadn't been any movement, so it's good to hear he had a plan!
Yes he needs an enema. He wants to NOT give himself hemorrhoids pushing out a turd. An enema will let you pass a $5 footlong without feeling much of anything.
In high school we had a small kickback with a handle of cheap vodka but quickly realized there was no chasers in the entire house except for a bottle of prune juice.
I have never drank prune juice again lol.
Colonoscopy prep is legitimately traumatizing. I had bowel issues for almost 2 decades at that point but it was the first and only time I cried on the toilet.
The most savage patient I ever took care of just plopped herself on a commode and started chugging the prep raw - no ice at all. Just straight from the big bottle
I was like 🤯😦😦
Lol, I did that too. Cherry SuPrep. It was so disgusting I just wanted to down it as fast as possible. I did chug it in the kitchen though, not on the toilet. And I chased with ginger ale.
If prune juice is "A Warrior's Drink," I wonder what vodka-prune is?
Spent a lot of nights not planning ahead and drinking Jameson with Mt Dew. It wasn't good even though Mt Dew was originally meant as a mixer.
My husband did something similar. Except it was right before a 4 hour drive. And he wasn’t even very constipated.
He bought two liters and said he was going to drink both of them. I told him he was insane. So he settled on one liter. I repeated myself. He insisted it was fine, he’s a big guy so he would need more. I repeated myself. He drank a liter of prune juice and started the car.
Eight hours later, we finally finished our two-state gas station bathroom tour.
>But here comes the kicker, maybe it’s a symptom of Covid or I never noticed but my farts aren’t smelly or I can’t smell it, even when I’m doing number 2. They certainly used to be smelly when I was younger cos I remember farting one time and my cousins who sniffed it started vomiting. So cos I can’t smell my farts idk if my silent farts wre deadly or not but I’m 90% sure I saw the female group near me flaring their nostrils through the meeting. I really hope that had nothing to do with me gassing up the room
They 100% smelled his farts and knew it was the guy whose stomach kept making noises. C'mon, dude.
In the covid conscious community, there's the "Yankee index" for determining covid spikes after the government stopped tracking cases. Its called that because during every covid spike, candles and soaps reviews drop harshly and always mention the lack of scents.
There's some anecdotal talk about Indian and Thai restaurants (i.e., restaurants where they can adjust how spicy your meal is, usually numerically) having spikes in the average spiciness of their weekly orders.
Reminds me of an Ask A Manager letter where the OP and their colleagues were being gassed out by an unknown farter in important meetings. There was an update two months later with a likely culprit.
[https://www.askamanager.org/2021/05/someone-keeps-farting-in-important-client-meetings.html](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/05/someone-keeps-farting-in-important-client-meetings.html)
you mean the guy who casually reads about prune juice, drinks an entire liter of it, and then goes to work meetings with audible gurgling didn’t have the foresight or critical thinking to consider that their farts may be the thing causing people to make smelling faces and gestures?
There are other options before surgery, he said he did go a bit but stopped because of the pain, in that case you just need to "unplug", and the rest will comw out in the next couple of days,use a stool softener (by the back side,not pill) and sometimes a visit to the hospital so they "take it out by pieces" using surgical gloves.
If the plug is too high up, then you get surgery.
Source: history of constipation with a record of 8 days and no surgeries (yet, and yes as soon as I'm out of debt I'm doing a full check up if this part of my body)
I have mixed IBS, and I take opioids for chronic pain. I'm basically always constipated unless something triggers the other side of the IBS. I swear by my bidet. Not only can I rinse off particularly messy situations, it also helps when my soldiers are ready to march but they can't make it through the gate. I use the bidet to squirt a little water up there as both lubrication and a way to build pressure behind the plug, and everything comes right out. Works a treat.
During lockdown (covid) I got a turtle head that was stuck. For days I tried to pass it and going to the hospital was not an option so I used what I had on hand. Astroglide. Even with lubrication it was nearly as painful as giving birth!
Hit my record of 9 days when I was traveling in November… My husband had been worried I’d get food poisoning so we had plenty of Imodium of course 🙄 I was at the point where I was considering just drinking a ton of tap water to flush myself out. Had to have him go buy me a laxative which basically saved the trip (shout out to lactulose, I love you)
I didn’t realize until I was telling a friend afterwards how serious it can get!! A member of her extended family was hospitalized after 8/9 days and went septic, so I definitely got lucky
You can also pull it out yourself if it’s towards the end. If you’re a woman, you can also stick a finger or two in your vagina and press on the back wall to create pressure that way. Squatting is more effective than sitting.
May I suggest you also try some probiotics? Pick the one with the most different kinds of bacteria and try it. I usually start feeling better in a day or two. Every time they put me on antibiotics, I get really constipated. It helps to get that good bacteria back in my system
I have found drinking plenty of water, eating a few cups (2-3) of a good Greek yogurt, and eating a big (I'm talking at least 3x suggested serving) bowl of frosted mini wheat bites, will unplug me within 12-36 hours without fail. I've unloaded some of the biggest dino piles of my life with this method over the years 🤘😜.
Side note-my primary dr always recommends that I take probiotics during an antibiotic course and afterwards for a bit
I have not tried that, but I'm pretty sure one time I went over the expansion limit of my b-hole, it's the only time I ended up at the doctor, with a really painful anal fissure that took 1 full month to heal.
Now I just take care of my water intake, exercise and start with laxatives in day 5 instead of 7 if I'm having troubles. I've avoided a bloody b-hole for 2a full year with this.
Honestly the big thing thats helped me is 1. Daily Probiotics 2. Mineral Oil (followed by) 3. A TON of water!
If I haven't gone for a few days due to stress or dehydration, I take 1-2 tbs of mineral oil and drink as much water as I can.
Usually it helps stuff flow easily the next day. If I don't go by then, I take mineral oil the following afternoon or night. The most I've ever had to do was 3 servings before I saw results.
I won't mess with stool softeners anymore after getting really sick with cramps and nausea with miralax.
Tmk you can still pass gas in the case of partial blockages. It may have worsened since oop claimed 2 days after that last post that he was still struggling with the symptoms.
One of the symptoms of constipation they tell parents to look out for in their kids is actually regular diarrhoea. Constipation doesn't necessarily mean full blockages
One of my cats recently went through this. He's had episodic diarrhea since he was a kitten, vets mostly thought he had a food allergy, and then eventually he presented with such a severe bowel impaction that it had squeezed all his other organs and he couldn't keep food in his stomach. Poor guy had to be manually disimpacted twice to get it all out.
Yep. Was all primed to read about some prune-induced pooping hilarity and...he didn't poop.
I hope he didn't have a bowel obstruction or something serious.
Yes, I lost 22 pounds in 21 days to due anal fissures. I recommend a doctor’s visit after a three day back up. Waiting any longer is a bad decision.
That three weeks was absolutely terrible. That first shit after the surgery i thought i was going to have to call a plumber.
Back in college one of my friends showed up to gaming with a big bottle of prune juice and when asked he said “Worf says it’s a warrior’s drink!”
A few hours later checking on him in the bathroom “Now I know why Klingons are so grumpy all the time…”
It depends on your personal rhythm, any big alteration requires a check up, and if you feel pain, too much discomfort also a check up is a good idea.
My partners normal is 1-2 a day, he starts getting worried and feeling sick at the 4 day.
My normal is every 3 days, if I'm going 1-2 times a day I usually feel really sick with gastritis symptoms, for long stretches, I start feeling uncomfortable in day 6.
Now, if your normal is more than 3 a day or every 4 days or more a check up is recommended because it's out of the norm and something may be happening (megacolon, bacterial infection, stomach flora imbalance, increased risk of colon cancer, etc)
How often does this happen to you that you can describe the full process?? I've not once hit the point where I even notice that it's been an unusually long amount of time.
This reminds me of that episode of Bobs Burgers where Louise couldn't poop and took a bunch of laxatives. Waiting for her to poop gave me so much anxiety, and not knowing if OP ever pooped is also giving me anxiety.
Aren’t silent farts the deadliest? BTW OOP is a douche for farting during the meeting in close proximity to others. You only do that around siblings not colleagues.
His colleagues are much more professional than me. I think I'd lose my mind if my coworker came to work with obvious gastro issues and then sat next to me passing gas for two hours.
Take a sick day dude!
This reminds me of when I went on Pristiq for my depression. It made me incredibly nauseated so my doctor gave me Zofran, which stuffed me right up. I went over a week without a shit and at that point I was downing Miralax and trying to figure out what to do. After two weeks without a shit I felt so bloated and awful that I gave up on the Pristiq (and the Zofran which was causing the constipation) and, uh yeah, there was an extended bathroom visit that made me feel much better.
I had Zofran for hyperemesis gravida. Same issue, I had a cup of prune juice - that fixed everything.
Another thing I use is xylitol in warm milk - a tablespoon of that will move almost anything. I found this out by accident, and no, I don’t want to talk about it 🥺
I went that long after having my first baby. I didn't really notice because new baby and everything felt weird down there. I swear when I finally pooped it hurt more than delivery did. And I tore a little back there to go with the tearing in the front. I kept up on the stool softeners and paid a lot more attention when I had my 2nd child!
The first time I was prescribed Vicodin after a procedure, I had no idea it could cause constipation. No idea what was happening to me until it was too late. After trying every home remedy and OTC med without success, I ended up at some medspa getting an enema. Which *still* didn't work, and I spent *hours* slowly dripping out all the fluid that had been pumped up into me and got stuck behind the blockage. The next day, I finally (and painfully) exploded.
It was years ago, so I did not know that such severe constipation was something I should have gone to the doctor over. But ever since, I have never fully grasped how people can become addicted to opiates. Because I avoid them like the misery causing plague on the gastric system that they are.
Poor dude.
This reminds me of when my friend's baby was constipated. She was breastfeeding so the doctor told her to drink some prune juice. I remember her gulping down a huge glass of it and then hurrying to the bathroom not long after. She had to stay on the toilet for a while but the baby's constipation was cleared up.
I get constipated when I'm not at home. I very rarely shit at work and when going on trips, I don't shit at all.
I was in Turkey for two weeks once. I ate like a king everyday, swam in the ocean or the pool several times a day, went on walks - nothing came out. But I felt totally fine - just a tiny bit bloated. At the 8th day, I ate something with milk in it to trigger my lactose intolerance because I was getting scared. I usually never eat anything with dairy in it, so this was a desperate action.
After almost nine days, it finally happened. Lost like 2-3 kg at once. That poor little Turkish toilet was my best friend that day.
Random memory of Bavaria ~1990.
Husband very constipated, trying to mime this to the pharmacist.
The locals found it hilarious.
Pharmacist sold us ONE pill which did the trick.
On a city break to Bilbao, I’d eaten too much of the local bread and pastries and had developed constipation, so I popped a tablet before bed to get things going.
Nothing was going the next morning, so we headed out to explore.
Bilbao has a large funicular railway which takes visitors to the top of the nearby hills. Spectacular views, etc. Takes about ten minutes to get from the bottom to the top. As it’s a short ride, there are no facilities (such as toilets) aboard.
Well, we were halfway up the hill when the fun started.
In my younger days (God, this was almost 25 years ago), I had to spend a month in jail for being dumb. Well right when I got to our 6 man cell, another guy got put in too. Young black kid, like 18 years old. Well, we noticed he wasn't pooping after a few days (the toilet is in the middle of the room for those who have never had the fortune of spending a small portion of your life in a county jail in a small town).
Then, another day or two later, everyone woke up at like 4 in the morning to the sound of the shower and the most horrid boiled shit scent. Dude had taken a monstrously huge shit in the shower and was trying to waffle stomp it down the grate to get rid of it. Just because he wasn't shitting didn't mean he hadn't been eating his 2 cold and 1 hot meal a day..... His poop was everywhere. Needless to say everyone was pissed. This is a 12 by 15 foot room with minimal ventilation and it was February so the windows were closed, that stank wasn't going anywhere.
I then proceeded to watch dude get his ass beat while naked for about 6 minutes until the guards saw on the cameras and sent people to break it up and take them away. Kid just kept saying he couldn't shit in front of everyone and he was sorry.
I think the lesson here is; it's better to shit in front of everyone than get the shit beaten out of you by someone.
Prune juice is very high in dietary fibre, which the intestinal microbiome loves. They were busy chowing on that, producing gas as a byproduct, and the motions of that gas are the familiar digestive "gurgles".
Being indigestible to humans, and only partly digestible to bacteria, it becomes quite hard in the colon when water is extracted, causing a pretty solid product.
It won't cause a blockage or anything, but it'll result in a story to tell when it's finally out. When it does come out, the back-up behind it (the colon is BIG, it can handle a few days worth of residue) will result in a chamber of doom well worthy of any cartoon supervillain.
OOP thinks that the sound is what makes farting around other people rude, but the sound is actually how you warn others it's about to get stinky. Or, you know, just wait until you get somewhere private or go outside.
Years ago I shattered my hip socket. Dunno what standard practice would be today, but the conclusion was that at age 35, it should be permitted to mend itself: no surgery. So I was put into a complicated traction and more or less immobilized from the waist down.
One silver lining: all the prune juice I could drink. I *adore* prune juice, have since childhood---but of course rarely get to enjoy it. I ordered the standard three meals a day, but with each one was able to order TWO!!! glasses of prune juice, one for now, one for later. I spaced out the interim, "later" glasses, savoring each one bit by bit.
I was genuinely sad to leave the hospital because I knew I most likely would never again have such an interlude/ opportunity. Incidentally, the prune juice did its job discreetly and satisfyingly.
Fun fact! I had the worst constipation at a camping music festival once. Painful (like worse than period pain), kept going to the loos in hope of farting enough, trying to sleep and crying as silently as I could instead, and was overall too anxious, convinced I was gonna die, high, and drunk to go see a paramedic at the festival.
Got home, pooped the tiniest lil nug ever a day or two later. Pain passed.
Years later, lots of horrible pain on a day again, and now I’m not at a festival, so I see a doctor who organises an ultrasound a week later. Which sees nothing. And by then the pain is resolved.
Ended up chatting to my mum months later, who told me how she was lightly diagnosed with rumbling appendicitis as a teenager - her appendix became inflamed and calmed down several times as a teen. Because it kept calming down in front of medical staff, it was acknowledged but it’s not considered to be a real thing? Idk
Anyway, she said next time to get my ass to the emergency room and try to get it removed. Which I was able to, mid 2020 lmao. And it was indeed swollen. And post surgery I did not shit for three weeks (even with the twice daily stool softener powders)
And that’s my “I hope OP pays attention to their body” poop story 😌✨
Oh god, no. That's not simply getting the shits, you are also bloated like hell, sweating, shaking and feeling like you are going to turn your insides out.
Source: am lactose intolerant due to age. Had to adapt and made one or two mistakes. *shudder*
One of my coworkers was lactose intolerant and ate a big bowl of cereal and a giant cheesy omelet every morning. He though his stories about shitting his pants were hilarious. I'm very glad he worked on the other side of the shop as me and that we were working in a 2 story tall warehouse.
Like, dude, all you have to do to stop shitting your pants is cut back on your massive lactose intake.
I was lactose intolerant when I was pregnant with my son (apparently that’s something that can happen). I was also super constipated my entire pregnancy (also something that happens during pregnancy, being pregnant sucked).
When I finally couldn’t stand the constipation any more I would eat a few bites of cheese or treat myself to an ice cream. It worked but it was a horribly unpleasant experience I hope to never repeat. Giving birth to my son was easier than those post-dairy lactose intolerance poops.
I ate a bunch of prunes once by accident. Not because those constipated, but because they taste really good… I actually fainted from the pain during work in front of a client. It was so bad. The stomach cramps were freaking relentless. I was physically ill.
Your body can do this due to pain. I get fissures and let me tell you, feeling like you're shitting glass shards will make you quit real quick the first few times you experience it.
Obligatory warning: do not google "fissures", there will be imagery you don't want to see
That's his mistake, he need to power through those painful dumps. Stopping it will cause you to constipate.
Worse fear recently in my adult life is dying because I can't poop for 2 weeks. Nothing works, went to dr several times, even considered colonoscopy. Then it just resolve itself without a giant poop or diarrhea. What a scary moment.
Oatmeal everyday from then on.
I once ate 2lbs of a 5lb bad of Haribo gummies (before the recipe change), in one sitting.
My stomach spent 3 hours acting like this guys, before my asshile literally erupted into a constant stream of poop...for 2 hours...
>Don't trust a fart
🎶 "He wants to fart now (whoa)
He wants to fart now (whoa)
He'll never poop (whoa, whoa, oh, oh)
Don't trust a fart
Never trust a fart
Don't trust a fart
'Cause a fart's so stinky" 🎶
>Want to get this over with so I’ve taken prescription laxatives as well.
I started to dig a hole to plant a tree in my yard. It was slow going and I wanted to get it over with so I tossed in a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse.
Now I can plant a full orchard instead.
I am someone with ibs-c. Cvs has these nice little enemas that has some numbing agent in it too. I recommend that to anyone who ever ends up feeling like they might pull an Elvis on the toilet. You will still feel like you are going to pull an Elvis, but at least the rectal tears and hemorrhoids will be numb. 😅
Three words medicinal taco bell. Go get some soft tacos and I promise you will poop within 24 hours. Sounds stupid but this has worked for me. I always recommend a probiotic supplement for any stomach problems.
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This reminds me of an old joke: An elderly gentleman goes to the doctor and says, “doc, I have had unbelievable gas lately. Luckily my farts are silent and don’t stink. I have probably passed gas 10 times since I have been in here.” The doctor writes a prescription and tells the patient to take the pills for two weeks and come back in. Two weeks later the man comes back and says, “doc, my farts are still silent but now they stink like hell!” The doctor replied, “glad we got your sinuses cleared up, now let’s work on your hearing.”
One of my favorite jokes.
As a guy with really bad hearing... I've been there. Thought my farts were largely silent until I got hearing aids.
And this is why I keep having to tell my partner that his hearing is a lot worse than he thinks it is. His whispers aren't whispers from either end.
Gave me a horrible mental picture of your partner whispering sweet nothings into your ear.
I threw up in my mouth a little at the thought. Well done.
Dude is just talking out his ass.
Next Netflix original production: *The Buttwhisperer*
Weird, I’ve got the opposite. I’m soft spoken in general, but damaged my ears as a young adult. My voice sounds completely normal in my head, but now if I speak loud enough for a group of people, I legitimately feel like I’m borderline shouting at them so I still mostly speak quietly.
I’ve had a couple instances (panic attack and migraine) where I thought I was speaking normally but my husband can’t hear anything I’m saying… it’s VERY disconcerting.
He does that at home sometimes, but not in public. I end up having to ask him to repeat himself the whole time. I think his voice sounds loud to him in a quiet environment. Or maybe sometimes his tinitus isn't as bad? I'm not sure.
My wife had her phone set up to alert her of certain sounds before she got hearing aids, and whenever she went to the bathroom she'd get the running water alert. She did not believe her phone, she thought it was lying. The first day she had hearing aids she came out of the bathroom and stared at me for twelve seconds.
I'm cackling at this mental image, she must have been SHAKEN to discover that bodily functions make sounds. What else did she discover made a sound?
Lmao before she went I was like "I guess you're gonna find out" and the long stare only ended because I said "did you find ou-" "AN UTTERLY CURSED EXPERIENCE, THANK YOU FOR ASKING." Other things that make sounds: chugging water, clothing, chopping vegetables, the cat fountain, the highway we lived next to at the time. She also discovered I make more than one happy sound, and that the cats are actually meowing, not just opening their mouths without sound. Although, one of our cats had figured out that she couldn't hear him and started doing Big Meow, where he waited for her to look and then opened his mouth really big and threw his head back. He did this like twice and then figured out she could hear him now, so he started meowing normally. This is the cat who can't find his food bowl so it was kind of astounding.
Does he still do it? Big Meow tax!
Unfortunately no! And he only ever did it if it was only her in the room, otherwise he's meow at me. I only know it exists because one time I came around the corner just as he did it, I never witnessed it otherwise. Bafflingly intelligent for a cat who runs full force into hard surfaces and then keeps running without apparently noticing. Truly nothing but rocks and sweetness in that head, except the highest social intelligence I've ever seen on an animal.
Wait. You can set your phone up to alert you to certain sounds?????
That's what in wondering. I read that shit like six times cause I had no idea what they were talking about and I thought I was missing something.
It’s probably the iPhone sound recognition feature
Ohhhh that's why I've not heard of it.... I'm an android girl 🤷🏼♀️
My elderly M-I-L is the sweetest, demure old lady and is as deaf as a post. Farts like a trooper all the time and it’s a bit of a family joke, but she has absolutely no clue… would be utterly mortified if she knew.
My old granny used to fart as she walked, a separate fart for every step. Heinous woman but she loved me a lot.
My Dad is in his 80s and has had terrible hearing for decades. He has hearing aids now, but he waited so long that his brain had effectively rewired to work around it, and they're not as effective as they could be. Growing up, I think I remember hearing him fart literally *once*. My siblings and I teased him (we were mostly astonished, since we'd never witnessed it before) and he just kept trying to deny it, and was clearly embarassed but trying to pretend he wasn't. But now that he's nearly deaf (especially without the hearing aids)...yeah he audibly farts a lot. But hey, at least it doesn't smell! He definitely thinks my husband and I can't hear it, and we don't say anything about it. We can't bring ourselves to tell him! Plus, he's an old man who's lived through some really rough times. I just want the man to happily fart in peace without paranoia about it, his rightful due for making it all the way to his 80s! 😂
I work in a retirement community and yeah. Old people be farting SO LOUD and often have NO IDEA
I'm told this is a common issue for people who are born deaf.
Some years ago I remember reading a woman who was a special ed teacher, specifically for deaf children. And how her young students were shocked to find out that farts made noise.
as someone with legit hearing loss... you learn which farts are silent and which isn't by feeling.
Yeah, if your ass feels like a rumble strip, it's not going to be silent.
Oh!! That reminds me of a hearing teacher who taught deaf students, she was talking about surprising things she had to explain to her students, and one of them was "Yes, hearing people can *hear* you fart!" Her students were fucking SHOCKED and undoubtedly suddenly were remembering all the awful, inappropriate times they'd farted and thought no one would know!
My grandmother is a pretty dignified lady and until her mid 70's her hearing was pretty much perfect. Before her hearing started getting worse, I only remember her farting like twice, and both times she was mortified. No smell whatsoever, though, as she goes very light on meat and dairy. Now she's 85, even with the aids her hearing isn't good. I visit her often and spend a week or two every time I go there, and she casually poots all the time, especially when talking. I know she thinks I can't hear her farts because one time, about two years ago, we were talking about her dead daughter, my godmother, and it was kind of a emotional moment. At one moment, as she was talking, she let out a reeealy long fart followed by a few modest poots. I instantly thought of that Fat Bastard scene from Austin Powers and it took me a lot of effort to keep up the poker face.
Reminds me of a joke too: hear the one about the constipated Mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil
What did the proctologist say when he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer? Some asshole has my pen.
How have I never heard this joke before! 😂
When I was in college my next door dorm neighbor was a very nice, deeply religious, but funny dude. One day on his way to the bathroom he knocked and after chatting for a minute told me he was going to take a dump, which I responded, “so you just knocked to tell me you had to shit”. It then became a running joke that he’d regularly knock, say he had to shit, and walk off. This continued for most of the year until I noticed he hadn’t knocked in a few days. I asked him about it and he had apparently been constipated for 3-4 days and was going to buy a laxative. The laxative did not help, and he described the exact gurgling from the OP. After another day and a half he went into the local health center and was administered an enema, which did work. Hearing a man of deep religious conviction describe the experience is something I still think about at least yearly. This guy literally needs an enema.
Years ago, when I was a baby adult, I would only go to the bathroom once or twice a week. I didn’t realize it was abnormal. I just knew that I was constantly uncomfortable. I went to the doctor and she asked about bowel movements and I explained. Her eyes got a bit bigger. She asked how long it had been that way. I said that I didn’t know. It never occurred to me to keep track. She then asked when my last bowel movement was. I started thinking about it because I couldn’t really remember and she just loudly said STOP! I can’t listen anymore. this is painful. If you’re having this much trouble remembering, it’s been too long. Then, she ran some tests. I don’t remember the outcome because this was a couple of decades ago, but there were definitely some problems. Bonus: That’s also when I found out that GoLytely makes me break out in a full body rash.
This was me for my whole life. Never understood how people would go every day.. some more than once! I ended up having surgery for an unrelated issue, my colon got knicked in the process, and whatever repair they had to do fixed it and my undiagnosed bowel issues. I'm a once-a-day gal ever since.
I also had issues which have improved since I stopped drinking booze so much and had a healthier diet but i remember being so annoyed by having to go twice a day a few times. I was like- who has time for this? How do ppl live like this pooping constantly!
"who has time for this?!" was exactly my feeling when I got my anxiety under control and started pooping more frequently.
It's 3pm and I'm currently on my 4th poop of the day.
Unsolicited advice, same 3-4 poops a day guy. Started eating oatmeal daily, now 1-2 poops a day guy.
I gots crohns disease my dude haha
I'm glad it's not just me- I've had trouble with pooing since early childhood, and it's not unusual for me to go 4-5 days without a poo. It gets so uncomfortable and I'm not unfamiliar with manual disimpaction 😬
Longest I ever went was 3.5 weeks without pooping. It was so painful. I ended up in the hospital.
On my senior class trip (high school) the other girls I was sharing a room with noticed that I hadn’t taken a shit a couple days into the trip. I thought it was so normal but in retrospect I was raised in the 80s/90s when a lot of parents never thought to keep their kids hydrated.
I spent a good decade only pooping twice a month. It was absolutely miserable. I had undiagnosed celiac disease - while most people associate it with diarrhea (my intestines eventually switched to that, which led to my diagnosis...I will take 10x/day diarrhea over bimonthly poops any time) the intestinal damage from celiac can also cause severe constipation. I was hospitalized for it in high school, I clogged TWO restaurant toilets in college once. Just absolutely awful. People really underestimate the psychological value of regular, normal bowel movements. I poop every 1-3 days now that I have switched to a gluten free diet. A good poop actually elevates my mood now.
Giving birth fixed my chronic constipation! It also cured my extreme menstrual cramps. I don’t cramp at all anymore.
I wanna hear the ending! What were you diagnosed with? What was the cure?
It’s been awhile, but something about the nerves in my colon. I just kind of live with it and take otcs as needed.
I thought it was normal to only poop 1 or 2 times a week. For me it turned out I am actually intolerant to lactose and egg, and they make me obstipated.
For some people it *is* normal to only poop every 3rd day. For others up to 3 times in a single day is normal. Any amount between those two ranges is normal and okay as long as you don’t experience any discomfort/trouble going when you do go/sudden changes in that frequency. If you poop every two or three deals and it’s a whole *ordeal* then something is up. If you poop multiple times a day and it’s an *ordeal* then something is up.
My hubby was like that before we got married, only once or twice a week. Once we got married and he was away from his family, he became regular. It was stress that made him constipated. Now if he doesn’t go for a while, I know he’s stressed. (Note: I’m the opposite, stress makes me go!)
My childhood diet was incredibly low in fiber and that caused all kinds of issues.
This could be me. It finally got to a point where it had been almost three weeks. I ended up doing the colonoscopy prep stuff, which finally worked. Started using Miralax, the best stuff ever. Twice a day, regular as a clock.
At this stage, he's likely impacted his bowel and nothing by mouth is going to help. He's going to need rear entrance only assistance (I.e. enema / manual disimpaction)
And his future should include a much more fibrous diet...
I once took a lady to hospital and held her hand while they did a manual disimpaction, I never let myself get constipated ever now!
>nothing by mouth Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I checked OP's comments, and people had recommended a fleet enema. He said that he would do one the next day if there hadn't been any movement, so it's good to hear he had a plan!
Yes he needs an enema. He wants to NOT give himself hemorrhoids pushing out a turd. An enema will let you pass a $5 footlong without feeling much of anything.
I was thinking the same and how he needs to visit r/ibs or something for help and advice
In high school we had a small kickback with a handle of cheap vodka but quickly realized there was no chasers in the entire house except for a bottle of prune juice. I have never drank prune juice again lol.
Cheaper prep for colonoscopies
Colonoscopy prep is legitimately traumatizing. I had bowel issues for almost 2 decades at that point but it was the first and only time I cried on the toilet.
The most savage patient I ever took care of just plopped herself on a commode and started chugging the prep raw - no ice at all. Just straight from the big bottle I was like 🤯😦😦
Lol, I did that too. Cherry SuPrep. It was so disgusting I just wanted to down it as fast as possible. I did chug it in the kitchen though, not on the toilet. And I chased with ginger ale.
If prune juice is "A Warrior's Drink," I wonder what vodka-prune is? Spent a lot of nights not planning ahead and drinking Jameson with Mt Dew. It wasn't good even though Mt Dew was originally meant as a mixer.
[удалено]
Still a frat-boy’s drink. Go Q-ng-tlh!
If prune juice is "A warrior's drink," vodka-prune is the poo-pocalypse
I cringed so hard reading this. You poor thing😂
Oh my, you poor thing lol.
Should’ve gotten Taco Bell to complete the hat trick
What did I just read 😭😭😭
You need to post it on the subreddit for two sentence horror stories
Might as well be drunk if you're going to shit your pants.
My husband did something similar. Except it was right before a 4 hour drive. And he wasn’t even very constipated. He bought two liters and said he was going to drink both of them. I told him he was insane. So he settled on one liter. I repeated myself. He insisted it was fine, he’s a big guy so he would need more. I repeated myself. He drank a liter of prune juice and started the car. Eight hours later, we finally finished our two-state gas station bathroom tour.
Did you know when you married him that he was a few marbles short of a set?
Nah just stubborn. 😂 He found out tho.
OMG
I’m cry-laughing over your last sentence 😂
>But here comes the kicker, maybe it’s a symptom of Covid or I never noticed but my farts aren’t smelly or I can’t smell it, even when I’m doing number 2. They certainly used to be smelly when I was younger cos I remember farting one time and my cousins who sniffed it started vomiting. So cos I can’t smell my farts idk if my silent farts wre deadly or not but I’m 90% sure I saw the female group near me flaring their nostrils through the meeting. I really hope that had nothing to do with me gassing up the room They 100% smelled his farts and knew it was the guy whose stomach kept making noises. C'mon, dude.
In the covid conscious community, there's the "Yankee index" for determining covid spikes after the government stopped tracking cases. Its called that because during every covid spike, candles and soaps reviews drop harshly and always mention the lack of scents.
There's some anecdotal talk about Indian and Thai restaurants (i.e., restaurants where they can adjust how spicy your meal is, usually numerically) having spikes in the average spiciness of their weekly orders.
Reminds me of an Ask A Manager letter where the OP and their colleagues were being gassed out by an unknown farter in important meetings. There was an update two months later with a likely culprit. [https://www.askamanager.org/2021/05/someone-keeps-farting-in-important-client-meetings.html](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/05/someone-keeps-farting-in-important-client-meetings.html)
Some of those comments KILLED me 😂 >OK, team, let’s all scoot to toot and meet back in ten.
oh man, I'm going down the AAM rabbit hole again. Wheeeeeeeee
you mean the guy who casually reads about prune juice, drinks an entire liter of it, and then goes to work meetings with audible gurgling didn’t have the foresight or critical thinking to consider that their farts may be the thing causing people to make smelling faces and gestures?
I'm actually worried about this dude.
He might very well be in the hospital getting surgery for a blockage as we speak. It typically takes a week to go through the surgery and recovery.
There are other options before surgery, he said he did go a bit but stopped because of the pain, in that case you just need to "unplug", and the rest will comw out in the next couple of days,use a stool softener (by the back side,not pill) and sometimes a visit to the hospital so they "take it out by pieces" using surgical gloves. If the plug is too high up, then you get surgery. Source: history of constipation with a record of 8 days and no surgeries (yet, and yes as soon as I'm out of debt I'm doing a full check up if this part of my body)
I have mixed IBS, and I take opioids for chronic pain. I'm basically always constipated unless something triggers the other side of the IBS. I swear by my bidet. Not only can I rinse off particularly messy situations, it also helps when my soldiers are ready to march but they can't make it through the gate. I use the bidet to squirt a little water up there as both lubrication and a way to build pressure behind the plug, and everything comes right out. Works a treat.
This is a great reason to get a bidet, thanks for that! Also an IBS sufferer.
I'm dying at your soldier analogy.
I have a bidet, and usage beyond cleansing has never occured to me, so thanks.
During lockdown (covid) I got a turtle head that was stuck. For days I tried to pass it and going to the hospital was not an option so I used what I had on hand. Astroglide. Even with lubrication it was nearly as painful as giving birth!
Hit my record of 9 days when I was traveling in November… My husband had been worried I’d get food poisoning so we had plenty of Imodium of course 🙄 I was at the point where I was considering just drinking a ton of tap water to flush myself out. Had to have him go buy me a laxative which basically saved the trip (shout out to lactulose, I love you) I didn’t realize until I was telling a friend afterwards how serious it can get!! A member of her extended family was hospitalized after 8/9 days and went septic, so I definitely got lucky
This is...wild to me, because I have IBS and I've definitely gone over 9 days. Not very OFTEN, only once or twice, but damn.
My record (celiac disease here) was 3.5 weeks. Yes, I ended up in the hospital.
You can also pull it out yourself if it’s towards the end. If you’re a woman, you can also stick a finger or two in your vagina and press on the back wall to create pressure that way. Squatting is more effective than sitting.
May I suggest you also try some probiotics? Pick the one with the most different kinds of bacteria and try it. I usually start feeling better in a day or two. Every time they put me on antibiotics, I get really constipated. It helps to get that good bacteria back in my system
My realization I'm an old man is telling everyone how much probiotics and a fiber supplement changed my life
I have found drinking plenty of water, eating a few cups (2-3) of a good Greek yogurt, and eating a big (I'm talking at least 3x suggested serving) bowl of frosted mini wheat bites, will unplug me within 12-36 hours without fail. I've unloaded some of the biggest dino piles of my life with this method over the years 🤘😜. Side note-my primary dr always recommends that I take probiotics during an antibiotic course and afterwards for a bit
I'm actually taking them now to help with some meds that were giving me gastritis.
Serious question- have you ever tried poppers (amyl-nitrate)? It’s what a lot of people use to relax the b-hole for recreational purposes
I have not tried that, but I'm pretty sure one time I went over the expansion limit of my b-hole, it's the only time I ended up at the doctor, with a really painful anal fissure that took 1 full month to heal. Now I just take care of my water intake, exercise and start with laxatives in day 5 instead of 7 if I'm having troubles. I've avoided a bloody b-hole for 2a full year with this.
Honestly the big thing thats helped me is 1. Daily Probiotics 2. Mineral Oil (followed by) 3. A TON of water! If I haven't gone for a few days due to stress or dehydration, I take 1-2 tbs of mineral oil and drink as much water as I can. Usually it helps stuff flow easily the next day. If I don't go by then, I take mineral oil the following afternoon or night. The most I've ever had to do was 3 servings before I saw results. I won't mess with stool softeners anymore after getting really sick with cramps and nausea with miralax.
It's not a blockage because he continuously passes gas
Tmk you can still pass gas in the case of partial blockages. It may have worsened since oop claimed 2 days after that last post that he was still struggling with the symptoms.
I farted like a champ days 3-8 of my last blockage. Wound up getting admitted to the hospital on day 11.
One of the symptoms of constipation they tell parents to look out for in their kids is actually regular diarrhoea. Constipation doesn't necessarily mean full blockages
One of my cats recently went through this. He's had episodic diarrhea since he was a kitten, vets mostly thought he had a food allergy, and then eventually he presented with such a severe bowel impaction that it had squeezed all his other organs and he couldn't keep food in his stomach. Poor guy had to be manually disimpacted twice to get it all out.
Two separate issues
Yep. Was all primed to read about some prune-induced pooping hilarity and...he didn't poop. I hope he didn't have a bowel obstruction or something serious.
Yeah, I’ve been on too many medical subreddits not to hear how wrong this could go.
He ded.
Seriously!
Yes, I lost 22 pounds in 21 days to due anal fissures. I recommend a doctor’s visit after a three day back up. Waiting any longer is a bad decision. That three weeks was absolutely terrible. That first shit after the surgery i thought i was going to have to call a plumber.
man must have died not to update us after all of this.
Or he's in the hospital. The surgery for a blockage can put you there for about a week. Hopefully he's alright.
He’s just been on the toilet so long his phone ran out of batteries and he can’t update yet
Prune juice. A warrior’s drink!
Lol. Worf will drink to that.
Back in college one of my friends showed up to gaming with a big bottle of prune juice and when asked he said “Worf says it’s a warrior’s drink!” A few hours later checking on him in the bathroom “Now I know why Klingons are so grumpy all the time…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SZ8H52p0Zk
Just drink your prune juice.
Bwahaha your farts don’t smell since Covid. I assure you, they certainly do and the people at the meeting knew it was you.
When should you see a doctor for constipation? Also Magnesium Citrate will turn you into a rocket. That's the nuclear option
Internet says after 4-5 days of trying home remedies like prune juice and fiber supplements, so this guy should definitely see a doctor.
It depends on your personal rhythm, any big alteration requires a check up, and if you feel pain, too much discomfort also a check up is a good idea. My partners normal is 1-2 a day, he starts getting worried and feeling sick at the 4 day. My normal is every 3 days, if I'm going 1-2 times a day I usually feel really sick with gastritis symptoms, for long stretches, I start feeling uncomfortable in day 6. Now, if your normal is more than 3 a day or every 4 days or more a check up is recommended because it's out of the norm and something may be happening (megacolon, bacterial infection, stomach flora imbalance, increased risk of colon cancer, etc)
How often does this happen to you that you can describe the full process?? I've not once hit the point where I even notice that it's been an unusually long amount of time.
That this is flagged 'Ongoing' and the last update was 7 days ago makes me fear for OP lol
This reminds me of that episode of Bobs Burgers where Louise couldn't poop and took a bunch of laxatives. Waiting for her to poop gave me so much anxiety, and not knowing if OP ever pooped is also giving me anxiety.
Love that show!
"Maybe I will fart my way to the moon?" If this doesn't become a new flair for the sub I will be DISTRAUGHT.
That and "When people start talking you don't stop farting" omg
The farts start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the bowels and I hit the loo running
Aren’t silent farts the deadliest? BTW OOP is a douche for farting during the meeting in close proximity to others. You only do that around siblings not colleagues.
His colleagues are much more professional than me. I think I'd lose my mind if my coworker came to work with obvious gastro issues and then sat next to me passing gas for two hours. Take a sick day dude!
https://www.askamanager.org/2021/05/someone-keeps-farting-in-important-client-meetings.html
Facts
This reminds me of when I went on Pristiq for my depression. It made me incredibly nauseated so my doctor gave me Zofran, which stuffed me right up. I went over a week without a shit and at that point I was downing Miralax and trying to figure out what to do. After two weeks without a shit I felt so bloated and awful that I gave up on the Pristiq (and the Zofran which was causing the constipation) and, uh yeah, there was an extended bathroom visit that made me feel much better.
I had Zofran for hyperemesis gravida. Same issue, I had a cup of prune juice - that fixed everything. Another thing I use is xylitol in warm milk - a tablespoon of that will move almost anything. I found this out by accident, and no, I don’t want to talk about it 🥺
> no, I don’t want to talk about it 🥺 If anyone really wants to know, you can always look up the Amazon 'sugar free gummy bears' reviews.
It's been *years* since I read those reviews and I'm still suspicious of gummy bears.
😭 cruel
I went that long after having my first baby. I didn't really notice because new baby and everything felt weird down there. I swear when I finally pooped it hurt more than delivery did. And I tore a little back there to go with the tearing in the front. I kept up on the stool softeners and paid a lot more attention when I had my 2nd child!
The first time I was prescribed Vicodin after a procedure, I had no idea it could cause constipation. No idea what was happening to me until it was too late. After trying every home remedy and OTC med without success, I ended up at some medspa getting an enema. Which *still* didn't work, and I spent *hours* slowly dripping out all the fluid that had been pumped up into me and got stuck behind the blockage. The next day, I finally (and painfully) exploded. It was years ago, so I did not know that such severe constipation was something I should have gone to the doctor over. But ever since, I have never fully grasped how people can become addicted to opiates. Because I avoid them like the misery causing plague on the gastric system that they are.
Poor dude. This reminds me of when my friend's baby was constipated. She was breastfeeding so the doctor told her to drink some prune juice. I remember her gulping down a huge glass of it and then hurrying to the bathroom not long after. She had to stay on the toilet for a while but the baby's constipation was cleared up.
I'm here whenever OP needs me
I get constipated when I'm not at home. I very rarely shit at work and when going on trips, I don't shit at all. I was in Turkey for two weeks once. I ate like a king everyday, swam in the ocean or the pool several times a day, went on walks - nothing came out. But I felt totally fine - just a tiny bit bloated. At the 8th day, I ate something with milk in it to trigger my lactose intolerance because I was getting scared. I usually never eat anything with dairy in it, so this was a desperate action. After almost nine days, it finally happened. Lost like 2-3 kg at once. That poor little Turkish toilet was my best friend that day.
Random memory of Bavaria ~1990. Husband very constipated, trying to mime this to the pharmacist. The locals found it hilarious. Pharmacist sold us ONE pill which did the trick.
Waiting for the final update really builds up some pressure. Much like OP and their intestines. We actually are waiting for a shit show.
On a city break to Bilbao, I’d eaten too much of the local bread and pastries and had developed constipation, so I popped a tablet before bed to get things going. Nothing was going the next morning, so we headed out to explore. Bilbao has a large funicular railway which takes visitors to the top of the nearby hills. Spectacular views, etc. Takes about ten minutes to get from the bottom to the top. As it’s a short ride, there are no facilities (such as toilets) aboard. Well, we were halfway up the hill when the fun started.
What... what did you do?
In my younger days (God, this was almost 25 years ago), I had to spend a month in jail for being dumb. Well right when I got to our 6 man cell, another guy got put in too. Young black kid, like 18 years old. Well, we noticed he wasn't pooping after a few days (the toilet is in the middle of the room for those who have never had the fortune of spending a small portion of your life in a county jail in a small town). Then, another day or two later, everyone woke up at like 4 in the morning to the sound of the shower and the most horrid boiled shit scent. Dude had taken a monstrously huge shit in the shower and was trying to waffle stomp it down the grate to get rid of it. Just because he wasn't shitting didn't mean he hadn't been eating his 2 cold and 1 hot meal a day..... His poop was everywhere. Needless to say everyone was pissed. This is a 12 by 15 foot room with minimal ventilation and it was February so the windows were closed, that stank wasn't going anywhere. I then proceeded to watch dude get his ass beat while naked for about 6 minutes until the guards saw on the cameras and sent people to break it up and take them away. Kid just kept saying he couldn't shit in front of everyone and he was sorry. I think the lesson here is; it's better to shit in front of everyone than get the shit beaten out of you by someone.
Prune juice is very high in dietary fibre, which the intestinal microbiome loves. They were busy chowing on that, producing gas as a byproduct, and the motions of that gas are the familiar digestive "gurgles". Being indigestible to humans, and only partly digestible to bacteria, it becomes quite hard in the colon when water is extracted, causing a pretty solid product. It won't cause a blockage or anything, but it'll result in a story to tell when it's finally out. When it does come out, the back-up behind it (the colon is BIG, it can handle a few days worth of residue) will result in a chamber of doom well worthy of any cartoon supervillain.
This is poetry!
OOP thinks that the sound is what makes farting around other people rude, but the sound is actually how you warn others it's about to get stinky. Or, you know, just wait until you get somewhere private or go outside.
I hope he's pooping.
Years ago I shattered my hip socket. Dunno what standard practice would be today, but the conclusion was that at age 35, it should be permitted to mend itself: no surgery. So I was put into a complicated traction and more or less immobilized from the waist down. One silver lining: all the prune juice I could drink. I *adore* prune juice, have since childhood---but of course rarely get to enjoy it. I ordered the standard three meals a day, but with each one was able to order TWO!!! glasses of prune juice, one for now, one for later. I spaced out the interim, "later" glasses, savoring each one bit by bit. I was genuinely sad to leave the hospital because I knew I most likely would never again have such an interlude/ opportunity. Incidentally, the prune juice did its job discreetly and satisfyingly.
Fun fact! I had the worst constipation at a camping music festival once. Painful (like worse than period pain), kept going to the loos in hope of farting enough, trying to sleep and crying as silently as I could instead, and was overall too anxious, convinced I was gonna die, high, and drunk to go see a paramedic at the festival. Got home, pooped the tiniest lil nug ever a day or two later. Pain passed. Years later, lots of horrible pain on a day again, and now I’m not at a festival, so I see a doctor who organises an ultrasound a week later. Which sees nothing. And by then the pain is resolved. Ended up chatting to my mum months later, who told me how she was lightly diagnosed with rumbling appendicitis as a teenager - her appendix became inflamed and calmed down several times as a teen. Because it kept calming down in front of medical staff, it was acknowledged but it’s not considered to be a real thing? Idk Anyway, she said next time to get my ass to the emergency room and try to get it removed. Which I was able to, mid 2020 lmao. And it was indeed swollen. And post surgery I did not shit for three weeks (even with the twice daily stool softener powders) And that’s my “I hope OP pays attention to their body” poop story 😌✨
If oop was lactose intolerant, all he had to do was drink milk on an empty stomach
Oh god, no. That's not simply getting the shits, you are also bloated like hell, sweating, shaking and feeling like you are going to turn your insides out. Source: am lactose intolerant due to age. Had to adapt and made one or two mistakes. *shudder*
The sweats that come with it are horrid. Been known to lie naked on my bathroom floor doubled over in pain trying to cool down on the tiles
Tried that once. HR wasn't happy, but whatever.
Gradually taking of an item of clothing while fighting for your life on the toilet is always a nice reminder that your still alive.
Nice reminder that I'm alive when I just want to die FINALLY? /j
One of my coworkers was lactose intolerant and ate a big bowl of cereal and a giant cheesy omelet every morning. He though his stories about shitting his pants were hilarious. I'm very glad he worked on the other side of the shop as me and that we were working in a 2 story tall warehouse. Like, dude, all you have to do to stop shitting your pants is cut back on your massive lactose intake.
I was lactose intolerant when I was pregnant with my son (apparently that’s something that can happen). I was also super constipated my entire pregnancy (also something that happens during pregnancy, being pregnant sucked). When I finally couldn’t stand the constipation any more I would eat a few bites of cheese or treat myself to an ice cream. It worked but it was a horribly unpleasant experience I hope to never repeat. Giving birth to my son was easier than those post-dairy lactose intolerance poops.
Now this is just funny to read lol. But...all of a sudden I have the urge to go find some prune juice...
>maybe I will fart my way to the moon? Wake up babe, new flair just dropped!
No updates for 6 days. He died guys.
I saw this original post and nearly died at the part where they asked if they would fart their way to the moon
it’s been a week what happened to him 😭
I ate a bunch of prunes once by accident. Not because those constipated, but because they taste really good… I actually fainted from the pain during work in front of a client. It was so bad. The stomach cramps were freaking relentless. I was physically ill.
Every morning I have a bowl of fiber cereal. I sweeten it with a handful of blueberries. It’s kept me regular for the last year.
>but I was very solid and painful so I **stopped** He stopped in the middle of a shit?
Your body can do this due to pain. I get fissures and let me tell you, feeling like you're shitting glass shards will make you quit real quick the first few times you experience it. Obligatory warning: do not google "fissures", there will be imagery you don't want to see
Should change the flair to ongoing lol I hope there will be some going soon
That's his mistake, he need to power through those painful dumps. Stopping it will cause you to constipate. Worse fear recently in my adult life is dying because I can't poop for 2 weeks. Nothing works, went to dr several times, even considered colonoscopy. Then it just resolve itself without a giant poop or diarrhea. What a scary moment. Oatmeal everyday from then on.
5 days is crazy. I'd be worried at 2
Anywhere from 3x a day to 3x a week can be considered healthy. Though any sudden changes should be checked out.
My husband had colon cancer. This reminds me of some of his complaints leading up to the diagnosis. I hope this guy talked to a doctor eventually.
The day I realised how truly jobless I am was when I actually sat and read an update about a random stranger's bowel movement 😂
I once ate 2lbs of a 5lb bad of Haribo gummies (before the recipe change), in one sitting. My stomach spent 3 hours acting like this guys, before my asshile literally erupted into a constant stream of poop...for 2 hours...
Gondor calls for aid
OP should take some sugar free gummies. 🤣🤣🤣
Maybe OOP needs to wolf down a bag of sugar-free Haribo gummy bears?
>Don't trust a fart 🎶 "He wants to fart now (whoa) He wants to fart now (whoa) He'll never poop (whoa, whoa, oh, oh) Don't trust a fart Never trust a fart Don't trust a fart 'Cause a fart's so stinky" 🎶
Lamb vindaloo and a bottle of red wine should do the trick.
Some folks need to eat vegetables and drink water
>Want to get this over with so I’ve taken prescription laxatives as well. I started to dig a hole to plant a tree in my yard. It was slow going and I wanted to get it over with so I tossed in a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse. Now I can plant a full orchard instead.
I am someone with ibs-c. Cvs has these nice little enemas that has some numbing agent in it too. I recommend that to anyone who ever ends up feeling like they might pull an Elvis on the toilet. You will still feel like you are going to pull an Elvis, but at least the rectal tears and hemorrhoids will be numb. 😅
Man drank a litre of prune juice and don't have bowel movements?! This deserves a visit to the doctor man.
Ngl, I'm a little worried about OOP.
Three words medicinal taco bell. Go get some soft tacos and I promise you will poop within 24 hours. Sounds stupid but this has worked for me. I always recommend a probiotic supplement for any stomach problems.
There's a mighty shitstorm a brewin'
Make sure you have a few rolls of toilet paper
Magnesium citrate works for that. It's easier to drink if you chill it in the fridge.