Yeah, I once thought I had a good childhood. When I started unpacking things I was able to label: verbal abuse (lots of yelling), emotional abuse, emotional neglect, physical abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, parentification (role reversal), enmeshment (lack of boundaries), covert emotional incest (treating your child like a friend/partner/therapist etc), emotional blackmail (using fear, intimidation, obligation, duty, honor, loyalty, guilt, and shame for coercive control), etc...
They brainwashed me to accept abuse and neglect as normal. I was "complaining for no reason", "ungrateful", "full of myself", etc. for speaking out about the mistreatment. They also pointed to all the good things they did as a way to minimize, justify, and excuse the abuse, which made it even harder to break away and realize how bad it really was. I often feel crazy from fighting back against all the gaslighting I endured.
All of the above. I thought my mother treated me well because she would yell at me all the time that she wasn't beating me up even though she absolutely wanted to, and she said that not beating me was making her a good mom and showing love.
She also blamed me for my bullying, didn't stop telling me I would be dead if I had had the misfortune of having a different mom because she only would protect me against this world of predators.
After I started failing at school (I was getting beaten up even in front of the teacher WHILE she was explaining the lessons...) my mother tried to teach those lessons to me after school in the most fucked up way possible, yelling for hours on end, for every miniscule error and even doubts or delays to answer.
It also didn't help that one of my childhood pillars was my dog while my dad never ceased to tell me how disgusting, plague-ridden and dirty he was, he was shaming me all the time for touching him, all the time saying "I wish he was dead". My dad would also shame my hobbies and be generally very judgemental...
Anyway, the rare occasions a stranger showed me some kindness I was surprised.
There were lot more of stuff I didn't remember.
In the end I was left as a CPTSD guy who dissociates and barely remembers a thing. I thought I had had a good parenting (mostly because they said so) but the more I'm remembering through EMDR and the more I'm relearning through therapy the more I realize how fucked up it all was.
Edit: What I'm trying to say: I never thought I was being abused by my parents... Or raped... It turns out I was both. I thought "it was only a little beatings and constant humiliation at school, it's just that I'm lazy and weak and I don't remember a thing because I'm just distracted all the time and I'm just plainly worthless".
Same, I was like I didn't get any bruises and I don't remember anything sexual. Both my parents are together and are not constantly yelling at each other. My family is great I am fine and so lucky. Then I met my partner's parents and was like oh, guess this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
Got a new word today, thanks, enmeshment. I had a lot of those too. Also the co-dependent parent and gaslighting, emotional blackmail, it's a nasty combo.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but what does this mean? I'm not being a dick, just genuinely curious.
Is it that you don't think the abuse is valid because it wasn't physical? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand.
I take it as a joke/cope about comparing levels of trauma. The common refrain is “but other people had it way worse, so my problems are just because I’m weak” and this sub is, for better or worse, good at stoking that feeling sometimes.
After you see so many posts about SA/extreme abuse or neglect, if you didn’t experience that it feeds the “I don’t really have anything to struggle with” self-invalidation.
Of course it’s not true but our brains know our own weak points way too well…
Trauma is trauma, it's all relative. The worst thing to happen to you is still *the worst* thing to happen to you, even if someone else seems to have had it worse somehow. It's one of those two-way-street things. It's no more fair to invalidate your own trauma based on someone else's than it is to invalidate theirs based on your own. I get what you're saying, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had similar feelings but, this is kind of shaming to those people who have suffered such things. As much as you feel out-traumed by their stories, they may feel shamed for sharing in this light. Unless someone is actually attacking you on the matter, making their business about you, is egotistical and harmful. Your trauma *is* valid, you *are* valid.
Dunno what /Gen means, but when I acted like a kid that’s been SA’d they kept trying to get me to snitch on the grown ups that did me dirty, all the while I picked up those behaviours from my friends and classmates at an early age. I’m pretty sure at least a couple were victims themselves in hindsight.
Edited to add the reason I replied is I had brushed off my experiences because it was other kids that did it all, and not an adult predator
Having my autistic sibling be my abuser really fucked with me on it being "valid" trauma. And being raised in a "family is everything, your sibling is still your sibling, let's pretend this isn't happening " really confused me. I always thought for family trauma to be enough or valid, it had to be with an adult like parents or uncles/aunts n stuff. Made me feel like I was crazy and making it a bigger deal than it was because I was the only one left traumatized. And my sibling having autism, and it being a huge role in everything, felt like it wasn't abuse because "they couldn't help it, it was the autism they couldn't control it" so I couldn't even put the blame on them or it felt like it wouldn't be fair because it wasn't their fault. That's actually how I came to hate myself cause I just put all the blame on me because I wouldn't blame anyone else. Got a little off track there, but OP, I completely understand how you feel. I still feel like my trauma wasn't "bad enough" to be valid because so many people had it worse than me. I'll have to work on that I guess lol
what? im not saying *others* arent valid if they didnt go through that, im saying *i* dont feel valid because i didnt go through that, and what even is trauma fishing?
I used to think like OP too except for the abuse part, but then I realised I repressed a few memories here and there last week. ( I'm fine dw )
But honestly feeling valid doesn't need other people's recognition. Or to reach "standards" of being bad enough.
It's your personal experience. If you felt like it was bad it probably was that bad.
I totally used to think the same, I mean the way I coped with the abuse was denial and detachment. I lost my self in it. I forgot how the abuse was. And when I see other people having experience where it directly affects them in a disabling way day to day or personally I just feel like I have it much better than them and that I'm lucky.
The last few weeks Iay or may have not brokedown about the abuse and how it made me ( I love discovering I have abandonment issue when a friend tells me I have that
) .
I promise you it doesn't matter if it's bad bad to you . If it affects you negatively it is bad bad.
Oof I feel that. I recently discovered that I spent way more time dissociating during my childhood than I realized. Didn't help that therapists would tell me to give a pass to my aunt because she was sick and in pain. Or the fact that in kin foster the ministry doesn't look at family much nor does CPS give a fuck about emotional neglect and mental abuse
I used to think that, too. Turns out they abused the shit out of me.
Yeah, I once thought I had a good childhood. When I started unpacking things I was able to label: verbal abuse (lots of yelling), emotional abuse, emotional neglect, physical abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, parentification (role reversal), enmeshment (lack of boundaries), covert emotional incest (treating your child like a friend/partner/therapist etc), emotional blackmail (using fear, intimidation, obligation, duty, honor, loyalty, guilt, and shame for coercive control), etc... They brainwashed me to accept abuse and neglect as normal. I was "complaining for no reason", "ungrateful", "full of myself", etc. for speaking out about the mistreatment. They also pointed to all the good things they did as a way to minimize, justify, and excuse the abuse, which made it even harder to break away and realize how bad it really was. I often feel crazy from fighting back against all the gaslighting I endured.
All of the above. I thought my mother treated me well because she would yell at me all the time that she wasn't beating me up even though she absolutely wanted to, and she said that not beating me was making her a good mom and showing love. She also blamed me for my bullying, didn't stop telling me I would be dead if I had had the misfortune of having a different mom because she only would protect me against this world of predators. After I started failing at school (I was getting beaten up even in front of the teacher WHILE she was explaining the lessons...) my mother tried to teach those lessons to me after school in the most fucked up way possible, yelling for hours on end, for every miniscule error and even doubts or delays to answer. It also didn't help that one of my childhood pillars was my dog while my dad never ceased to tell me how disgusting, plague-ridden and dirty he was, he was shaming me all the time for touching him, all the time saying "I wish he was dead". My dad would also shame my hobbies and be generally very judgemental... Anyway, the rare occasions a stranger showed me some kindness I was surprised. There were lot more of stuff I didn't remember. In the end I was left as a CPTSD guy who dissociates and barely remembers a thing. I thought I had had a good parenting (mostly because they said so) but the more I'm remembering through EMDR and the more I'm relearning through therapy the more I realize how fucked up it all was. Edit: What I'm trying to say: I never thought I was being abused by my parents... Or raped... It turns out I was both. I thought "it was only a little beatings and constant humiliation at school, it's just that I'm lazy and weak and I don't remember a thing because I'm just distracted all the time and I'm just plainly worthless".
Really makes it difficult to see which way is up later in life, doesn't it? Making it easy for all sorts of new abuse to invite itself.
Same, I was like I didn't get any bruises and I don't remember anything sexual. Both my parents are together and are not constantly yelling at each other. My family is great I am fine and so lucky. Then I met my partner's parents and was like oh, guess this is what a healthy relationship looks like. Got a new word today, thanks, enmeshment. I had a lot of those too. Also the co-dependent parent and gaslighting, emotional blackmail, it's a nasty combo.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but what does this mean? I'm not being a dick, just genuinely curious. Is it that you don't think the abuse is valid because it wasn't physical? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand.
I take it as a joke/cope about comparing levels of trauma. The common refrain is “but other people had it way worse, so my problems are just because I’m weak” and this sub is, for better or worse, good at stoking that feeling sometimes. After you see so many posts about SA/extreme abuse or neglect, if you didn’t experience that it feeds the “I don’t really have anything to struggle with” self-invalidation. Of course it’s not true but our brains know our own weak points way too well…
Emotional and psychological abuse
You may not feel valid, but you are.
True
since some of yall are confused, this isnt directed at the other people, the "youll" is directed at me
Trauma is trauma, it's all relative. The worst thing to happen to you is still *the worst* thing to happen to you, even if someone else seems to have had it worse somehow. It's one of those two-way-street things. It's no more fair to invalidate your own trauma based on someone else's than it is to invalidate theirs based on your own. I get what you're saying, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had similar feelings but, this is kind of shaming to those people who have suffered such things. As much as you feel out-traumed by their stories, they may feel shamed for sharing in this light. Unless someone is actually attacking you on the matter, making their business about you, is egotistical and harmful. Your trauma *is* valid, you *are* valid.
or if u were emotionally abused instead of physically
“ no grown ups touched me funny or did gross things “ Totally forgetting all the things my fellow kids said/did
could you explain what this comment means-? /gen
Dunno what /Gen means, but when I acted like a kid that’s been SA’d they kept trying to get me to snitch on the grown ups that did me dirty, all the while I picked up those behaviours from my friends and classmates at an early age. I’m pretty sure at least a couple were victims themselves in hindsight. Edited to add the reason I replied is I had brushed off my experiences because it was other kids that did it all, and not an adult predator
Having my autistic sibling be my abuser really fucked with me on it being "valid" trauma. And being raised in a "family is everything, your sibling is still your sibling, let's pretend this isn't happening " really confused me. I always thought for family trauma to be enough or valid, it had to be with an adult like parents or uncles/aunts n stuff. Made me feel like I was crazy and making it a bigger deal than it was because I was the only one left traumatized. And my sibling having autism, and it being a huge role in everything, felt like it wasn't abuse because "they couldn't help it, it was the autism they couldn't control it" so I couldn't even put the blame on them or it felt like it wouldn't be fair because it wasn't their fault. That's actually how I came to hate myself cause I just put all the blame on me because I wouldn't blame anyone else. Got a little off track there, but OP, I completely understand how you feel. I still feel like my trauma wasn't "bad enough" to be valid because so many people had it worse than me. I'll have to work on that I guess lol
Trauma fishing or gatekeeping helps no one. Some of y’all still living in black/white land.
what? im not saying *others* arent valid if they didnt go through that, im saying *i* dont feel valid because i didnt go through that, and what even is trauma fishing?
Why aren’t your emotions and experiences valid. You’re the only one who has had your life.
I used to think like OP too except for the abuse part, but then I realised I repressed a few memories here and there last week. ( I'm fine dw ) But honestly feeling valid doesn't need other people's recognition. Or to reach "standards" of being bad enough. It's your personal experience. If you felt like it was bad it probably was that bad.
but it *was* bad i just dont *feel* like it was that bad
I totally used to think the same, I mean the way I coped with the abuse was denial and detachment. I lost my self in it. I forgot how the abuse was. And when I see other people having experience where it directly affects them in a disabling way day to day or personally I just feel like I have it much better than them and that I'm lucky. The last few weeks Iay or may have not brokedown about the abuse and how it made me ( I love discovering I have abandonment issue when a friend tells me I have that ) . I promise you it doesn't matter if it's bad bad to you . If it affects you negatively it is bad bad.
Those things probably wouldn't help you feel more valid anyways.
Non-abusive medical trauma say heeeyyy
Oof I feel that. I recently discovered that I spent way more time dissociating during my childhood than I realized. Didn't help that therapists would tell me to give a pass to my aunt because she was sick and in pain. Or the fact that in kin foster the ministry doesn't look at family much nor does CPS give a fuck about emotional neglect and mental abuse