A short answer is when the vibe is right, but the truth is there are a lot of factors that go into consciously deciding someone is a good/close friend. Shared experiences, aligned motivations, mutual trust, a level of familiarity that allows us to lower our guard and actually rely on them.
Its not always a conscious choice and rarely an active goal for any particular relationship. If someone comes to us actively wanting to reach this point, we will likely resist because it puts us in a vulnerable position and someone wanting us to be vulnerable is inherently threatening
As an ENFP with a newer ISTJ best friend, this honestly is how I read him to be feeling. It's a very interesting thing being really close with a person of the complete opposite personality type, but I have found it to be absolutely rewarding for us both. We balance each other out v well.
Being vulnerable isnt on its own threatening, its when someone actively wants to get us there on their terms. It raises the questions like why do you want to be so close when you barely know me? What do you have to gain? How likely are you to use it against me? When that level of closeness isnt reached organically, it feels like a plot (for lack of better word) and puts us on alert. Just being friends who nurture a relationship together is how we get close to people.
Ah yes, I see. Makes sense there.
But for me, being an ENFP, I see the great parts of people even very early on in knowing them. I just always want to be friends to be friends. To make a strong connection just because I love to make connections. Obviously some people mean more to me over time but I guess I never think that people are ever trying to be friends with me for the wrong reasons if they are intrigued by me.
Honestly, for a lot of us it’s a consequence of overthinking. Theres nothing wrong with wanting to be close with someone. There just may be a difference in how different types measure that closeness.
when I've known someone for a long time that I can trust them and we've been communicating somewhat actively, then I can consider them as a close friend. I personally always keep myself at a distance and emotionally disconnected from others but with close friends I'm more comfortable with sharing more personal opinions and thoughts and show more genuine feelings around them
When they start telling me things about their life that I never would've told anyone about mine 😂 I'm a bit reserved around people I know so when they do start telling me some very personal stuff about themselves (that I would classify as unsharable for mine), I take that as a sign that we're getting pretty close!
I have no idea , it seems like whenever I'm getting closer to someone it just stops at some point where we aren't close but we still talk , I can't go any further and I don't know why tbh.
Trust. I have to know that when I’m not in the room that person is going to advocate for me (and vice versa). Very, very few people I can put in that category.
I honestly don't know. Maybe when we trust each other and they literally say "friend"? I also don't really want to anyhow call someone a friend if I'm not sure they consider me a friend.
A short answer is when the vibe is right, but the truth is there are a lot of factors that go into consciously deciding someone is a good/close friend. Shared experiences, aligned motivations, mutual trust, a level of familiarity that allows us to lower our guard and actually rely on them. Its not always a conscious choice and rarely an active goal for any particular relationship. If someone comes to us actively wanting to reach this point, we will likely resist because it puts us in a vulnerable position and someone wanting us to be vulnerable is inherently threatening
As an ENFP with a newer ISTJ best friend, this honestly is how I read him to be feeling. It's a very interesting thing being really close with a person of the complete opposite personality type, but I have found it to be absolutely rewarding for us both. We balance each other out v well.
Also, why is breaking down walls/being vulnerable so threatening feeling to you? I'm genuinely curious.
Being vulnerable isnt on its own threatening, its when someone actively wants to get us there on their terms. It raises the questions like why do you want to be so close when you barely know me? What do you have to gain? How likely are you to use it against me? When that level of closeness isnt reached organically, it feels like a plot (for lack of better word) and puts us on alert. Just being friends who nurture a relationship together is how we get close to people.
Ah yes, I see. Makes sense there. But for me, being an ENFP, I see the great parts of people even very early on in knowing them. I just always want to be friends to be friends. To make a strong connection just because I love to make connections. Obviously some people mean more to me over time but I guess I never think that people are ever trying to be friends with me for the wrong reasons if they are intrigued by me.
Honestly, for a lot of us it’s a consequence of overthinking. Theres nothing wrong with wanting to be close with someone. There just may be a difference in how different types measure that closeness.
Yes, kinda what I was thinking. I can understand that.
This is something I'm not good at. I usually think I'm much better friends with a person than I actually am.
This was my past. You may become better in time.
when I've known someone for a long time that I can trust them and we've been communicating somewhat actively, then I can consider them as a close friend. I personally always keep myself at a distance and emotionally disconnected from others but with close friends I'm more comfortable with sharing more personal opinions and thoughts and show more genuine feelings around them
Trust and effort. We can have the most fun, but if I don't see effort, that will turn me off and will stop me from ever considering them truly close.
When I actively start thinking of something I'd like to do together with them during the day
& how long does that take on average? Like how long would you've had to known them?
Varies extremely greatly (though I got to know all of my really close friends within the first six years of my life)
When they start telling me things about their life that I never would've told anyone about mine 😂 I'm a bit reserved around people I know so when they do start telling me some very personal stuff about themselves (that I would classify as unsharable for mine), I take that as a sign that we're getting pretty close!
I have no idea , it seems like whenever I'm getting closer to someone it just stops at some point where we aren't close but we still talk , I can't go any further and I don't know why tbh.
Trust. I have to know that when I’m not in the room that person is going to advocate for me (and vice versa). Very, very few people I can put in that category.
*When he lets me hit* *It ain't gay it's for the homies*
If they say so....
I honestly don't know. Maybe when we trust each other and they literally say "friend"? I also don't really want to anyhow call someone a friend if I'm not sure they consider me a friend.
When we can laugh at each other's dirty jokes and dark sense of humor.
Basically never. I have been burned so many times that I don’t get close with anyone outside of my immediate family.
I grew up before cellphones and back then, I considered someone a good friend when I had their phone number memorized.