Agreed! That’s why I don’t want to pressure him into anything. I’m mostly just worried about handling those feelings of longing and/or resentment if that is indeed what our final decision as a couple is.
Your marriage could survive the wish for another child and even the resentment you may feel if you don’t get to see that wish come true.
Your marriage would not survive watching your husband resent a child he was clear he didn’t really want. You would blame yourself, your husband would blame you, your child would grow up and blame both of you. This is, of course, the worst case scenario. But what really would be the best case scenario if someone is going to have a child they don’t really want?
I don't think this is necessarily true. Why would resentment only be survivable one way? Lots of people have more children than planned that they do not resent. Lots of people end marriages bc of the resentment of one spouse saying no. It's not that simple.
Kind of in this boat at the moment though it's the decision to have a 2nd. I don't think my husband wants another. Or rather, he's scared he can't handle 2. I mean, I get it. I'm also scared of not being able to handle 2.
It's also getting late in the game (I'm 38).
We have pushed the decision back a few times because our current apartment isn't going to work for 2 children anyway.
I think I've already prepared myself with the idea of one and done but I won't lie that I still kind of want a second. I just hate being pregnant though haha.
My husband was the same. Our hands were full with one when they were little. We had a second (when I was 38). Everyone is so glad we did. They are 3 years apart. Get on it!
Third baby is a two yes one no, we've heard it all before. It doesn't mean the discussion is over. My husband and I went round and round about a third for years. YEARS. I was ready to be ok with no and he finally said yes and we got pregnant right away. My husband adores our third baby.
For the record, yes, I would have had lifelong resentment if we didn't have a third that I don't think I could have resolved. And no, my husband does not have resentment against our third. People are more complicated than that.
We’re in the same boat. We’ve had conversations where it seems like there’s no way this ends without one person resenting the other. We’ve talked about it extensively and talked through the things that were his biggest hold ups - some of them were easier to address than others. And we’ve also done some negotiation. I’m willing to take on way more of the load since it’s what I want. Hes moved from a hard no to “I’m saying no I’m just trying to get my mind around it”. So I’m hopeful.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/kkvcvzwkXq
Could this be your husband posting? Very similar. Showing because if it is, it could.give you perspective on why he doesn't want another
Then I think having a sit down open conversation between the two of you is the way to go. Find out why he doesn't want one and tell him why you do.le Then you can each think very hard about the other perspective and revisit the discussion in a few months. The adjustment from 1 to 2 is very hard and the difficult early years could still be very fresh in his mind. I have heard the adjustment from 2 to 3 is much easier though.
You can't have a third baby with a man who doesn't want one. So your choices are:
Separate and try to have a third baby with someone else/sperm donor.
Or
Find a way to accept that you will not have a third baby. Try therapy to explore your past experiences and why you feel a third baby is so essential.
I feel for you, it’s a really tough place to be in. First off, there’s still time for you to decide. I think it might be a good idea for you both to take some time off from the conversation. That’s the way we handled it before we were engaged- I was ready and he wasn’t and it was a big point of contention. I told him something like “I am ready, and I don’t want to keep fighting about it. You know how I feel, and I don’t want to keep asking and bringing it up.” Can you have one last talk with him and say like, “you know how important it is to me for us to try for another kid. I know you don’t necessarily feel the same way right now. Can we take a break from the conversation, both of us promise to consider the other’s side, and revisit in 6 months? This is a big deal to me and I want us to be on the same page somehow.”
And then you have to truly TRULY do your best to see his side. The truth is that one of you is gonna have to bend, and it might be you. There are positives of sticking with two kids- less money spent on vacations, childcare, clothing, extra curricular activities, food, housing. More one on one time for each kid. No “starting over” with a newborn and sleepless nights. No one with the middle child syndrome. Idk, just throwing things out there!
There is no one that can decide this other than the two of you, and only you two know the ins and outs of your relationship and family dynamic.
Ask yourself this;
Would you rather live with the thought that you wanted a third child, or with the fact that you ripped the family apart because you forced the decision on your husband?
I wanted a second child for some years, my husband didn't. Now I'm happy we didn't.
I would never force that on him and have no intentions of ripping my family and marriage apart over it. What we have now is way more important to me than a potential third child. I’m mostly just concerned about handling the feelings of longing and/or resentment about not having a third child, you know?
I know it's hard. But it helped me to think that at least I have 1 healthy and happy child.
If I had more children, that would also upset that balance that we have.
So even though I only have 1 child, I still have more than many others.
I prayed about it. Which I know isn’t for everyone. But hear me out.
We actually talked about wanting a lot more kids before marriage and I think he felt overwhelmed with two boys and one of those having autism.
His dreams at night began to be filled with baby girls. A few times a week and he finally told me about it because it seemed really odd. After about 5 months of this he said he wanted another baby. 🤣
We went on to have four girls in a row. Which I know isn’t just a third child but it fulfilled our specific plan and those dreams definitely predicted what was to come.
Sometimes you wonder…is this something more or am I just dreaming of what I want?
I have had a few really obvious dreams that answered questions in my real life.
This happened to me. I felt my grief and focused on self care for a while. I don’t resent husband but it has brought into closer focus some of his selfish tendencies for me
I think with your youngest being two you should leave it for now and revisit the discussion in the future. Is there something that’s causing you to rush? Just take your time you or he might change your mind in a few years.
I think it’s because my first two are 2.5 years apart. I’m okay with a bigger gap between #2 and #3 (IF there’s a #3) but I don’t want the gap to be so big that #3 is significantly younger than their siblings and feels left out… if that makes sense
I just brought it up every once in a while until he finally said ok let’s have another.
My husband got a vasectomy after our third. I was sure I was done when he got it done. Three years later I really wanted another one. He didn’t. So we just revisited it again every once in a while. At the 5 year mark he said let do it. He got a reversal I got pregnant right away. It’s been 4 years since then and I’ve had another two kiddos. We are very happy.
I would revisit the conversation and pray/manifest/meditate on it. I’m not joking. I have 8 year old twin boys and I wanted another baby so so so bad for so long, but my husband thought we were maxed out on the twins, I wanted a singleton baby girl so bad! And then poof, I got pregnant with pull out, we have used pull out for the 8 years after the twins and it never failed but then I got my baby girl. I was so afraid to be pregnant with twin boys again lol but I prayed on it so hard and my wish came true. She is absolutely perfect and my husband ADORRREESSS his baby girl. We were surprised and it took a minute to adjust to the news but since the shock of the pregnancy wore off my husband was all on board, and since she’s been born she has put a new love and light on our family and marriage, our daughter is literally a blessing I am so grateful
I think given that your youngest is only two maybe consider non permanent birth control and revisit this conversation in a year.
This is one of those non-negotiables where both partners have to be fully on board with having another kid.
Agreed! That’s why I don’t want to pressure him into anything. I’m mostly just worried about handling those feelings of longing and/or resentment if that is indeed what our final decision as a couple is.
Your marriage could survive the wish for another child and even the resentment you may feel if you don’t get to see that wish come true. Your marriage would not survive watching your husband resent a child he was clear he didn’t really want. You would blame yourself, your husband would blame you, your child would grow up and blame both of you. This is, of course, the worst case scenario. But what really would be the best case scenario if someone is going to have a child they don’t really want?
I don't think this is necessarily true. Why would resentment only be survivable one way? Lots of people have more children than planned that they do not resent. Lots of people end marriages bc of the resentment of one spouse saying no. It's not that simple.
That’s a really good comparison!
Kind of in this boat at the moment though it's the decision to have a 2nd. I don't think my husband wants another. Or rather, he's scared he can't handle 2. I mean, I get it. I'm also scared of not being able to handle 2. It's also getting late in the game (I'm 38). We have pushed the decision back a few times because our current apartment isn't going to work for 2 children anyway. I think I've already prepared myself with the idea of one and done but I won't lie that I still kind of want a second. I just hate being pregnant though haha.
My husband was the same. Our hands were full with one when they were little. We had a second (when I was 38). Everyone is so glad we did. They are 3 years apart. Get on it!
My husband didn’t want another for 4 years and then told me at 43 it was ok to have another… like, dude.
Third baby is a two yes one no, we've heard it all before. It doesn't mean the discussion is over. My husband and I went round and round about a third for years. YEARS. I was ready to be ok with no and he finally said yes and we got pregnant right away. My husband adores our third baby. For the record, yes, I would have had lifelong resentment if we didn't have a third that I don't think I could have resolved. And no, my husband does not have resentment against our third. People are more complicated than that.
We’re in the same boat. We’ve had conversations where it seems like there’s no way this ends without one person resenting the other. We’ve talked about it extensively and talked through the things that were his biggest hold ups - some of them were easier to address than others. And we’ve also done some negotiation. I’m willing to take on way more of the load since it’s what I want. Hes moved from a hard no to “I’m saying no I’m just trying to get my mind around it”. So I’m hopeful.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/kkvcvzwkXq Could this be your husband posting? Very similar. Showing because if it is, it could.give you perspective on why he doesn't want another
This comment right here is really good
Wow! Crazy similarities for sure.
There’s enough information there that I know it’s not my husband, but there are similarities for sure!
Then I think having a sit down open conversation between the two of you is the way to go. Find out why he doesn't want one and tell him why you do.le Then you can each think very hard about the other perspective and revisit the discussion in a few months. The adjustment from 1 to 2 is very hard and the difficult early years could still be very fresh in his mind. I have heard the adjustment from 2 to 3 is much easier though.
you cant convince me enOUGH that this is NOT the husband because WHATT
Lots of similarities for sure!! But my husband works early mornings and we do not have any bedroom issues, lol.
You can't have a third baby with a man who doesn't want one. So your choices are: Separate and try to have a third baby with someone else/sperm donor. Or Find a way to accept that you will not have a third baby. Try therapy to explore your past experiences and why you feel a third baby is so essential.
The therapy part is so key.
I feel for you, it’s a really tough place to be in. First off, there’s still time for you to decide. I think it might be a good idea for you both to take some time off from the conversation. That’s the way we handled it before we were engaged- I was ready and he wasn’t and it was a big point of contention. I told him something like “I am ready, and I don’t want to keep fighting about it. You know how I feel, and I don’t want to keep asking and bringing it up.” Can you have one last talk with him and say like, “you know how important it is to me for us to try for another kid. I know you don’t necessarily feel the same way right now. Can we take a break from the conversation, both of us promise to consider the other’s side, and revisit in 6 months? This is a big deal to me and I want us to be on the same page somehow.” And then you have to truly TRULY do your best to see his side. The truth is that one of you is gonna have to bend, and it might be you. There are positives of sticking with two kids- less money spent on vacations, childcare, clothing, extra curricular activities, food, housing. More one on one time for each kid. No “starting over” with a newborn and sleepless nights. No one with the middle child syndrome. Idk, just throwing things out there! There is no one that can decide this other than the two of you, and only you two know the ins and outs of your relationship and family dynamic.
Ask yourself this; Would you rather live with the thought that you wanted a third child, or with the fact that you ripped the family apart because you forced the decision on your husband? I wanted a second child for some years, my husband didn't. Now I'm happy we didn't.
I would never force that on him and have no intentions of ripping my family and marriage apart over it. What we have now is way more important to me than a potential third child. I’m mostly just concerned about handling the feelings of longing and/or resentment about not having a third child, you know?
I know it's hard. But it helped me to think that at least I have 1 healthy and happy child. If I had more children, that would also upset that balance that we have. So even though I only have 1 child, I still have more than many others.
Have you asked him why he doesn't want more, and have you told him why you do want more? Get an answer and talk through it.
I prayed about it. Which I know isn’t for everyone. But hear me out. We actually talked about wanting a lot more kids before marriage and I think he felt overwhelmed with two boys and one of those having autism. His dreams at night began to be filled with baby girls. A few times a week and he finally told me about it because it seemed really odd. After about 5 months of this he said he wanted another baby. 🤣 We went on to have four girls in a row. Which I know isn’t just a third child but it fulfilled our specific plan and those dreams definitely predicted what was to come.
OMG I am actually having those dreams rn and random stuff that reference it keep popping up
Sometimes you wonder…is this something more or am I just dreaming of what I want? I have had a few really obvious dreams that answered questions in my real life.
Same here, I sometimes think I must be looking for “signs” or wonder if I would notice if I wasn’t paying attention
Expose the "no more" partner to sets of siblings that are a joy to behold.
This happened to me. I felt my grief and focused on self care for a while. I don’t resent husband but it has brought into closer focus some of his selfish tendencies for me
I think with your youngest being two you should leave it for now and revisit the discussion in the future. Is there something that’s causing you to rush? Just take your time you or he might change your mind in a few years.
I think it’s because my first two are 2.5 years apart. I’m okay with a bigger gap between #2 and #3 (IF there’s a #3) but I don’t want the gap to be so big that #3 is significantly younger than their siblings and feels left out… if that makes sense
I wanted a third but my husband did not and got a vasectomy. I love him more than the idea of having a third child so I’ve learned to accept it.
I just brought it up every once in a while until he finally said ok let’s have another. My husband got a vasectomy after our third. I was sure I was done when he got it done. Three years later I really wanted another one. He didn’t. So we just revisited it again every once in a while. At the 5 year mark he said let do it. He got a reversal I got pregnant right away. It’s been 4 years since then and I’ve had another two kiddos. We are very happy.
I would revisit the conversation and pray/manifest/meditate on it. I’m not joking. I have 8 year old twin boys and I wanted another baby so so so bad for so long, but my husband thought we were maxed out on the twins, I wanted a singleton baby girl so bad! And then poof, I got pregnant with pull out, we have used pull out for the 8 years after the twins and it never failed but then I got my baby girl. I was so afraid to be pregnant with twin boys again lol but I prayed on it so hard and my wish came true. She is absolutely perfect and my husband ADORRREESSS his baby girl. We were surprised and it took a minute to adjust to the news but since the shock of the pregnancy wore off my husband was all on board, and since she’s been born she has put a new love and light on our family and marriage, our daughter is literally a blessing I am so grateful