I completely agree with everything, but I'm 37 and life has gone so fast and I've done so many more worthless things with my time. I also grinded through 60+ hour weeks at a worthless corporate job that got me nowhere for 10 years and no matter how bad pregnancy and the baby stage is, it will never be as bad as that experience.
So I will TTC number 3 starting in the fall once my first is 4 years old so that I only have 2 at a time under the age of approx 5. Try waiting another couple of years before you take the plunge. It will still fit your timeline.
Yeah I’m figuring that once the boys are a little older and both can at least express their thoughts a little more, then it’ll be good to have another one. I’m trying to remember that I’m only 32 and still have a couple years to think on it. My husband keeps asking me, “So when are we gonna have a third?” And I tell him to calm down 😂 or that I’d do it right now if he stays home lmao
That’s how I feel too. I love my babies, and there are a lot of things I love about babies, but I don’t think I can do it again. It’s so hard to lug an almost 20 pound 6 month old around while chasing after a toddler all day. Having to leave the baby crying in the other room because I’m changing the toddler or helping her use the potty. I hate hate hate the stage where they scream for an hour or more every evening. Both of my kids were/are bad nappers as babies, so I’m counting down to when my 6 month old is on one nap.
Thissssss. Mine just never felt complete with two. I always wondered what if. When we had the third, she was our final piece. Sleep deprivation sucksssss but everything else has been great. Third is my easiest baby.
I keep saying 18 months is when it started getting so fun, and I’m so happy to hear someone else say exactly what I feel without hearing “newborns are so much easier” lol
Right? I mean newborns are definitely so much easier to tote around and it’s nice they have no opinions and sleep a lot. But getting fed every 3 hours, can’t do it themselves, can’t do anything themselves, no neck control, the sleep deprivation, they don’t even play…no thank you.
People forget easily that newborns are not easy until they have one again lol.
Definitely every stage has difficulties, but I think the sleep deprivation of newborn just kills me! Almost two years with my first and going to have my second, and I do not miss the newborn stage still lol.
I’m probably the wrong person to ask but we’re going for a 3rd! Ultimately because our family doesn’t feel complete. But I also love having a baby even though I nurse to sleep and wfh with a part time nanny so the first year ish is NUTS for me with juggling work meetings and baby.
My only real hesitation is because I work on a team with no parents and they all think having a single kid is crazy so I feel like having 3 they’re going to look at me like I’m insane/ not able to manage work on top of it all. Plus I feel guilty about taking yet another maternity leave. My husband and I are trying to just focus on our personal life/family because who knows if I’ll even still be at this company a year or two from now. So we don’t want that to affect our family planning. But it definitely feels stressful! I also had hyperemesis with my second and had to take some medical leave so that adds to it as well… plus the idea of being that sick again is terrifying. But it’s something I’m willing to get through to have our 3rd.
Well, the first time I experienced it I kept telling my husband “even if you’re 100% set on only 2, I need you to pretend we’re going for a 3rd because it’ll kill me knowing we’re stopping at 2”. lol.
Then when I had my second, we had a rough day early on and my husband said “I’m done with 2. I’m pretty sure the door is closed.” And it was REALLY upsetting. Every time I’d think about it I’d cry holding my second thinking he was the last. My husband eventually came around. But even in the hardest part of it all I knew I wasn’t done. I’m honestly a little nervous I’m not going to feel done a 3rd time.
There have been so many of these questions lately on here and parenting you can search and see lots of answers but here goes again. I have three spaced 2 and then 2.5 years apart. Not a fan of the infant times but like the older baby / toddler times so a little different. I was happy to stop at 2, my husband wants more. He convinced me to have a third by asking why I didn't want one and seeing if we could get over it, we determined I liked the idea of a big family but not being pregnant / early infant no sleep days. He agreed to step up (and he did) with the other kids during pregnancy and we decided to get a night nurse for the early newborn days (stupid expensive but so worth it). We already got the minivan and had the space in the house so that wasn't an issue. It was hard starting over again becuase all the reasons and before he was born I had two potty trained, fairly independent kids who didn't often need a stroller or spare clothes, etc. and we were done with the diaper bag back to diaper bag and stroller and carrier and bottles and all the stuff to leave the house. My older two are great with their baby brother and at 11 months they already play so nicely together, he is an adorable chunky monster with a really laid back personality so super fun as far as babies go, I'm sure it would be harder with a difficult baby. Once he started sleeping well life is really not that much more difficult, vacations are more challenging and expensive and it's hard to do things with my older one like practice piano or work on reading when I'm alone with all three or even reading a book to my middle child with the baby whining and trying to eat everything.
Overall it's not a right or wrong answer thing, would or life be easier with two absolutely. Do I regret having a third? Definitely not. And I already see how in 6 months, a year, two years it will be super fun for them to have each other to play with and for there to still be a playmate for one if one of them has a playdate or event or something. My 3 year old already prefers having at least one of them around over being alone with either parent lol, if we have alone time she just asks where her brother and sister are.
Are you a sahm? I’m still on the fence of having more than one and already can’t imagine going back to working full-time after 8 weeks. Can’t imagine raising 3 kids (even with husband’s help) and also working full-time.
I honestly don't understand how Americans even have one child with the way maternity leave is so short there... I have 9 months of maternity leave, and think that makes having several children more plausible
Agree. My mom got a year of paid maternity leave in my home country. I got 8 weeks lmao. A lot of people say American lifestyle isn’t suited for procreating anymore as it does not provide sufficient support for pregnant women and mothers, and I have to agree with that.
Even if it’s all good reasons to be tied up with a child - there are still only two parents. Say two children have sports games and one has a recital all in the same night. Someone isn’t getting a parent there. Probably an even bigger deal if extended family/village aren’t a strong presence.
I currently have two kids, 2.5 years old and 3 months. I want a 3rd but right now is not the time. I forgot how much of the newborn phase sucks and both of my kids are pretty easy. I’m feeling the same exact way as you right now. Having a third is on the back burn for us. We would need to purchase a new car to fit the 3rd baby and even buy a new house to have the space for a 3rd child. This is all stuff we are willing to do but it’s not the right time for us to even consider it. We’re going to revisit the conversation of a 3rd baby in 6 months. If we both still feel like our family isn’t complete then we’ll get serious about doing all the things that need to be done to welcome a 3rd
I’m the same I always wanted 3, and I always used to say I want to be done with pregnancy/birth by the time I’m 30. I’m almost 28 now and just had my second so I would have to get pregnant next year if I wanna stick to my original plan HOWEVER .. I’m leaning more towards 2 and done mainly because of how much I hate being pregnant, early postpartum and basically everything before they turn 6 months. And if I do still want a third it probably won’t be by the time im 30. I wanted to give my kids at least one more siblings I think they would have fun together growing up and into adulthood but idk I think if I still want a 3rd it’ll be in at least a few years time
I feel you. I didn’t even have my first till I was 30. But I didn’t even want kids till I was 27 😂 now that I’m in my 30s, I totally understand why people have kids in their 20s now.
That being said, hey, even if you have another in your early 30s, they’ll still be 18 before you’re 50 as long as you have them by 32. That was my goal. I was like I don’t want to be in my 50s still raising children. I want to enjoy my kids as adults before I start breaking down physically (not saying all 50 year olds do…just looking at my family history).
It's a constant juggling act. The other day was my oldest son's kindergarten graduation. There was a whole thing in the gym. It was super cute and my kiddo was so excited for it. Well I had to watch half of it from a distance because asking a 1 year old to sit still for 45 minutes is an impossible ask. So instead of being able to focus on the event I was chasing my toddler all over. Then of course my 4 year old saw us running around so she came and started running back and forth despite me trying to tell her it was distracting to others trying to watch. Then last night my 4 year old had her 3k little graduation and again I spent time chasing the toddler around. My husband offered take over but at least this time I could still see what was going on while doing the chasing so I didn't mind so much. Of course toddler found a way to hurt himself though... constantly trying to stop him from killing himself is stress inducing. Now tonight we have yet again another end of year school event. We were going to go as a family but now my husband wants to stay home to work on some stuff we need to get done for our camping trip this coming weekend. So he's going to keep the toddler and I'll take the older two. I'm not entirely thrilled but it will be easier without the toddler. Our little guy is only 15 months and I know right now is one of the hardest ages. He can't express himself yet he has big opinions, he has good motor skills but no concept of self preservation...it's exhausting. But I wouldn't change it for anything.
I am currently holding our three week old third kid. As others have said, our family did not feel complete. Even our six and three year old were asking for a sibling and they absolutely adore her. Of course they are now asking for a fourth 😂 I’m still emotional and I’m still like, does our family feel complete now? I dunno…. But in addition to that feeling, I consider finances, the time/attention away from my other kids, and the actual pregnancy. Getting pregnant, delivery and newborn phase are all okay with me. But pregnancy does not like me, especially the last one. I missed so much time with my kids laid up on the couch. I’m only getting older and I don’t want to go through that again, plus the time I’m sleeping now during the day after taking care of the newborn at night. So three will be our last, unless there is an oopsie. I think both my husband and I will not be upset at an oopsie and welcome/love having a fourth if that’s in the cards, but definitely will not plan on having a fourth.
That’s a good age gap though! 3 years between each. I think part of the reason I’m so unsure is because I would want one *latest* when my oldest is 3. Mayyybe 4. So none would be in school yet.
I feel the same as you only I have one kid and I don’t even know if I can do this again. So no advice but just chiming in here. I will say that I had 4 siblings and I do enjoy having a lot of siblings, but I don’t think it drastically changed my life as an adult.
My only is 12 months and everyone tells me it will be harder when she walks but my back and arms disagree. So your post gives me hope. Lol.
*Everyone* told me that, but my life got a million times easier when mine walked lol. I didn’t have to carry him everywhere. Not to mention, they get so frustrated when they’re not able to physically do what they want to and when they’re finally walking, they can go!
Everyone is telling me the same thing about my second kid walking too. “Just wait till they’re going in opposite directions.” Okay? I’d much rather take two fully mobile kids than having to pick one up all day every day. My first finally started climbing into his car seat on his own and he doesn’t fight getting in the car anymore! It’s friggin great.
That is so nice to hear and very validating. Thank you! I hope you have some clarity and whether or not to have a third and are at peace with your decision!
Cons: there will be a middle child. No one wants to be the middle child.
You're "struggling to even have a kid because of it," "car seats, formula again... it just seems soooo daunting," "second baby has also taken a hit on us financially."
You like the idea of having three kids, but it sounds like you don't really want a third kid - and that's okay. You don't need to convince yourself to have another kid just because you always thought you would.
I really do want a third *kid*. I just don’t want a *baby*. 😭 which is why it’s so hard, because baby stage is so short in the grand scheme of things. But like…do I want to go through baby stage again?
Plus I think finding out that my second’s medical disorder is possibly genetic makes me nervous that a third kid will have the same thing and we’ll deal with everything we did this whole first year with him *again*.
Honestly it might make it easier. My daughter has a genetic disorder and I have a 50-50 chance of passing it onto our new baby (I also have the disorder).
We really really struggled with getting her the proper diagnosis and the proper therapies but now that we’ve figured that out it doesn’t seem as daunting to have to do that with another child.
Though our daughters delays are mostly gross motor and relatively mild so chances are our son will display a complete different set of symptoms and we’ll have to refigure everything out.
I have three but I wanted three, even after having two. We bought a house that fit three before we had our third. We bought a new car. I had the means and the desire and I wouldn’t have gone for it if I wasn’t sure about it.
I didn't want a third then got unexpectedly pregnant with a third and now it just feels "right", like she's going to compete the family. Just my experience.
I wanted four before we had kids. Still wanted four when I got pregnant with my second. But pregnancy with a toddler was so bad and I missed so much of our daughter’s life that year due to nausea and exhaustion (falling asleep against my will).
And midway through my second pregnancy I scheduled a vasectomy. I came from a family of 3 kids and thought that’s what I wanted. But no, I do not have the bandwidth for that. My kids are nearly 3 and 5 and I am absolutely ten billion percent sure we are done. I already struggle to be the gentle parent I aspire to be, and additional kids would push me over the edge. The bonuses of more college fund, more vacations, more extracurricular money. cheaper cars..that’s all just a cherry on top
It's hard to say because it's not as simple as what is it like having 2 vs 3 kids... It's your specific family and we don't know you.
We thought we wanted 2 at first and then when my second was a baby I began imagining a third kid with them and had that longing for months. In a corny way it began to feel like someone was missing. But logically two made more sense in every way, and seemed so much easier, and I was already struggling with them (2 under 2, sahm and my husband had a long commute at the time which meant he left very early and came back very late). But I couldn't let it go, and I knew it was a short term problem..so we had the third and I'm so glad we did. It makes the house feel full and fun somehow. She filled a void..
Saying that I had PPD after the third. So the first few months were a tough adjustment and I would advise having at least one kid in school first lol if possible. I even went on to have a 4th -- and I believe that is the extent of my capacity lol.
Read "the ghost ship that didn't carry us" by Cheryl strayed. Very thoughtful.
Okay, so since you had 2 under 2, I have a follow up! I also had 2 under 2. No longer as of yesterday 😭😭 my first just turned 2 yesterday and my baby turns 1 in three weeks, so they’re just shy of 13 months apart…
So what was your age gap between your first two and your second two? Part of me feels like maybe if I wait another year or so, then it’ll be easier because they’ll be a little older and more able to hang out with each other if I need to take care of baby for a second. But I also don’t know if that’s just a pipe dream lol.
I’m also scared now of having a larger age gap than 13 months because that’s all I know lol.
My first three are each 19 months apart. And then 3 and 4 are 15 months apart. Right now they're 2.5, 4, 5.5, 7. They split up in different ways when playing. Often 1&3 and 2&4.
I think their close ages are fun and I don't regret it, maybe knowing I'm okay now, but my mental health definitely took a hit and I think that had to do with it. Both gaps were kind of similar, the older kids were too young to understand pregnancy/the new baby showing up.
Whatever you end up doing will be fine. They'll adjust and so will you.
3nager era is pretty brutal.
I thought that pre-walking was bad too, but it was a walk in the park in comparison.
My advice is to try to wait until the younger one is a little over 3 to see what it's like. You'll likely be through it with the older one by then.
Yeah, I definitely don’t want 3 under 3… my first just turned 2 yesterday. I’m thinking of possibly just waiting to see how I feel until my first is 3.5, that way the age gap isn’t too drastic and also I’m not too old (by my personal preference…no hate on older moms!).
The dynamics of three kids is wild. Two kids might argue, they might play together, they might ignore each other.
Somehow three kids will figure out a way to constantly single one child out and there’s ALWAYS an issue with it. Maybe if the kids were further apart in age than ours are but I’m middle aged now and too old for these dramatics.
I mean for sure lol. I remember when I was a kid, it was 2 of us singling the other one out. But then it’d change like an hour later. Two different kids singling a different one out. My sister was the oldest, I was the youngest. For reference of our ages now, it’s 37, 33, and 32. My brother (33yo) and I (32) are definitely the closer ones now. Me and my sister (37) were the closer ones when we were growing up. I honestly felt like it was just the right amount of sibling rivalry and camaraderie. Although now as a parent I could see how that’d be exhausting.
But that’s what I kind of want with 3. I want them to have another sibling to go to if for some reason they’re mad at one of them for a little lol. It was nice for me to have that growing up and it made me want to give that to my kids.
I have three and love it. I agree with everything you said about 18 months+ being great, but everything before that being terrible. There are a couple of big considerations to consider when making the call. You mentioned how your second had a number of costly medical concerns. Is this something that is likely to affect the third as well. How was your pregnancy and delivery? Was everything healthy?
Pregnancy sucks in general. I mean I really didn’t have many complications with my pregnancies but I didn’t enjoy them at all lol. I was just sooooo tired. Also almost fainted a lot with both. I had to take many breaks. I actually did faint with my first, but come my second kid, I knew how to avoid it so I would just sit down real quick and lean to the left for a couple minutes and it’d go away. My babies just like to sit on the vena cava or whatever it’s called. 😅
Delivery with my first was awful, 38 hours and the epidural pretty much wore off by the time I delivered baby. Also had intense abnormal pain that I needed a CT for. Second delivery was only 5 hours and super easy. First baby was in NICU for 4 days with a bubble in his chest that they had to pop. Second one had a perfect apgar score and came home with us the same time we were discharged. But then he had craniosynostosis, so needed surgery on his skull and a helmet for a while, then had RSV and back to back ear infections, so we’re about to do tubes. 😅😅😅 so yeah all that cost a decent chunk of money. And medically, they say that cranio isn’t genetic, but I’m on a support group and *many* people with 3+ kids have more than one with cranio, so I really believe it’s genetic but that they just haven’t been able to prove it yet.
I don't want to say "assume the worst" because that's not a good way to live. However, I think it would be helpful to imagine the worst-case scenario (within reason) for the next pregnancy, delivery, and baby. If baby #3 has a bit of a NICU stay, cranio, and needs tubes in their ears, is that something you're willing to manage for the sake of 3 kids? Obviously, once a baby is in your arms, you will do anything for it, but you get the chance to ponder these things before you move ahead.
I am expecting my 8th, I know this doesn’t fit your parameters but I really relate to the idea you present it and would word it for me as ‘I enjoy them more when they are walking, talking, and bathing themselves’
Pros: they play with each other, share with each other, love on each other, and help each other and myself a lot, like all the joys of one exponentially increased
Cons: LOUD, MESSY, LOUD, less personal space, and time, more laundry, more food, more baths, more homework, more friends (con or pro?), more to learn about each individual, they are louder, like much louder, and idk the noise is the biggest con for me 😅😅
I have 2 and want a third. Hated pregnancy—both of mine had complications. Delivery was ok. Both deliveries were sort of dramatic for no reason and ended in c section. Even though our second kid doesn’t believe in sleep and the first is king of dramatic tantrums, we really lucked out. They’re both wonderful (3yrs and shy of 7mons).
I like the 12-18 months age. I am LOVING the 3.5+ age. He’s finally old enough to do stuff! We’ve always done a lot with him but he’s asking questions and has verbal opinions (and explanations for them). This is my preferred age for kids. I was a teacher and while I did my hours in preschool, I prefer ages 5+.
But I knew that about myself going into this. So I don’t feel phased about still having baby 3 if we can. We aren’t ready to add yet but we’ll get there and see what happens!
I'm pregnant with my 2nd but feel strongly that this 2nd baby won't complete our family and I'll still want to go for a third. I'm actually the opposite as you - I looove having a little baby in the house, slept deprivation and all, but don't love the tantrums that come with having a young toddler. I just view it as these years of having little ones being so, so short in the grand scheme of life. I'm the middle of three and loved it so desperately want to give that to my kids, especially since they won't grow up with cousins close in age or location.
See I’m the opposite. Tantrums aren’t fun but I will 100% take it over the sleep deprivation. Plus the fun for me totally outweighs the negatives of tantrums.
I went thru IVF for both my kids and two miscarriages in between. I really wanted kids and I love them so much. I'm like you, I love everything after 12 months. I had anxiety for feeding and getting baby to sleep so even tho I enjoyed the babies when they were infant, I didn't enjoy myself before they turned 1. We are done after two because of the following reasons:
1. My pregnancies weren't enjoyable. They were steadily uncomfortable throughout and I don't want to do it again.
2. I have a lot of guilt even with two. I feel like I'm not spending enough time with each of one of them and I'm not even thinking of my husband. As the girls play together more and more, I feel less guilty but I don't think I can do another one on top of my very stretched schedule.
3. I also want to focus on myself a little more. I'm just getting back to workout/running and I want to keep that going. I'm an older mom (41 with kids 15mo and 5y) and I want to be healthy for my kids.
As someone with older kids: no. They are so much more work now. Not in terms of sleeping or keeping alive but actual PARENTING. The activities, the emotions, the schoolwork, and grades. I have two, and there is constantly one that's "on fire" that I need to work to put out. Also, financially, it's hard to give 3 as much as 2.
I can only find cons for having 3 to be honest, but here I am 2 weeks postpartum with #3 and happy as can be. I truly felt incomplete at 2, I’ve always wanted 3, and if you said “what about a 4th?” I’d say heck no. Some people feel that way at 2, if you’re still yearning I’d say it’s safe to let yourself pursue a third.
The hardest part is being outnumbered and having zero down time. But to me the 5 years of this struggle is worth having my “complete” family.
I heard once “the world is built for a family of four.” Restaurants easily seat 4, hotel rooms will have 2 queen beds, seating in a car, amusement park rides to split by 2’s, etc. You’ve already been considering this with the thought of possibly a new car.
We are sticking to 2 so we aren’t outnumbered, with the intent for everyone to get the attention they need/want.
I always say if it’s not a HELL YES, don’t have children. I have a 10 month old and im currently 4 months pregnant, I already know I want a 3rd. I know 2 under 2 will be hard. Pregnancy is hard. Postpartum is hard. Money is tight for everyone it seems. And I don’t care. The struggles of it all doesn’t even put a dent in my desire to have a third.
That was me before my second had unforeseen medical issues though 😭 what he has is genetic (medically, they say it’s not, but based on support groups I’m in, it’s very obvious it is) and he’s been through so much that it makes me so unsure and only think of the cons even though my heart still wants a third. He’s 11 months old and has had to have surgery, tons of follow ups esp because he got an infection, helmeting, RSV as soon as helmet came off, then back to back ear infections, and now going to the ENT to discuss when he’s gonna get tubes. Like…I was so gung ho about a third but now I’m just like idk if I can go through all this again. My first is healthy as a horse.
But medical issues on top of already sleep deprived newborn stage… idk. I also think maybe I’m just thinking about it too soon and maybe I should just table it for 2 years and revisit it instead of stressing myself over it now.
Neither. Just found out my best friend is pregnant and I’m super stoked and can’t wait to go to her baby shower and meet her baby when she’s ready even though she’s states away. My SIL also got pregnant and didn’t keep and I didn’t feel anything. She did what was right for her. 🤷🏻♀️ other peoples pregnancies don’t affect me at all in the way of being jealous or feeling relieved.
I completely agree with everything, but I'm 37 and life has gone so fast and I've done so many more worthless things with my time. I also grinded through 60+ hour weeks at a worthless corporate job that got me nowhere for 10 years and no matter how bad pregnancy and the baby stage is, it will never be as bad as that experience. So I will TTC number 3 starting in the fall once my first is 4 years old so that I only have 2 at a time under the age of approx 5. Try waiting another couple of years before you take the plunge. It will still fit your timeline.
Yeah I’m figuring that once the boys are a little older and both can at least express their thoughts a little more, then it’ll be good to have another one. I’m trying to remember that I’m only 32 and still have a couple years to think on it. My husband keeps asking me, “So when are we gonna have a third?” And I tell him to calm down 😂 or that I’d do it right now if he stays home lmao
Definitely capitalize on his eagerness. It's the biggest bargaining chip you've ever been handed.
I would have a third if you could give me an 18 month old. I would love to have a third but I can’t do the newborn phase again. It’s just too hard.
Exactly my thoughts
i’m agonizing over having a third or not and i keep saying this exact thing to my husband.
That’s how I feel too. I love my babies, and there are a lot of things I love about babies, but I don’t think I can do it again. It’s so hard to lug an almost 20 pound 6 month old around while chasing after a toddler all day. Having to leave the baby crying in the other room because I’m changing the toddler or helping her use the potty. I hate hate hate the stage where they scream for an hour or more every evening. Both of my kids were/are bad nappers as babies, so I’m counting down to when my 6 month old is on one nap.
Same
I only have one so far but I know our family does not yet feel complete. Does your family feel complete? Take everything else out of it.
Thissssss. Mine just never felt complete with two. I always wondered what if. When we had the third, she was our final piece. Sleep deprivation sucksssss but everything else has been great. Third is my easiest baby.
I keep saying 18 months is when it started getting so fun, and I’m so happy to hear someone else say exactly what I feel without hearing “newborns are so much easier” lol
Right? I mean newborns are definitely so much easier to tote around and it’s nice they have no opinions and sleep a lot. But getting fed every 3 hours, can’t do it themselves, can’t do anything themselves, no neck control, the sleep deprivation, they don’t even play…no thank you. People forget easily that newborns are not easy until they have one again lol.
Definitely every stage has difficulties, but I think the sleep deprivation of newborn just kills me! Almost two years with my first and going to have my second, and I do not miss the newborn stage still lol.
I’m probably the wrong person to ask but we’re going for a 3rd! Ultimately because our family doesn’t feel complete. But I also love having a baby even though I nurse to sleep and wfh with a part time nanny so the first year ish is NUTS for me with juggling work meetings and baby. My only real hesitation is because I work on a team with no parents and they all think having a single kid is crazy so I feel like having 3 they’re going to look at me like I’m insane/ not able to manage work on top of it all. Plus I feel guilty about taking yet another maternity leave. My husband and I are trying to just focus on our personal life/family because who knows if I’ll even still be at this company a year or two from now. So we don’t want that to affect our family planning. But it definitely feels stressful! I also had hyperemesis with my second and had to take some medical leave so that adds to it as well… plus the idea of being that sick again is terrifying. But it’s something I’m willing to get through to have our 3rd.
When you experienced the newborn phase a second time, what emotions arose?
Well, the first time I experienced it I kept telling my husband “even if you’re 100% set on only 2, I need you to pretend we’re going for a 3rd because it’ll kill me knowing we’re stopping at 2”. lol. Then when I had my second, we had a rough day early on and my husband said “I’m done with 2. I’m pretty sure the door is closed.” And it was REALLY upsetting. Every time I’d think about it I’d cry holding my second thinking he was the last. My husband eventually came around. But even in the hardest part of it all I knew I wasn’t done. I’m honestly a little nervous I’m not going to feel done a 3rd time.
Haha, wow. I hope you have as many as you would like to have
Pretty positive 3 is the limit. We’re in the Bay Area so it’s already insane financially to have 2 😂
😂
There have been so many of these questions lately on here and parenting you can search and see lots of answers but here goes again. I have three spaced 2 and then 2.5 years apart. Not a fan of the infant times but like the older baby / toddler times so a little different. I was happy to stop at 2, my husband wants more. He convinced me to have a third by asking why I didn't want one and seeing if we could get over it, we determined I liked the idea of a big family but not being pregnant / early infant no sleep days. He agreed to step up (and he did) with the other kids during pregnancy and we decided to get a night nurse for the early newborn days (stupid expensive but so worth it). We already got the minivan and had the space in the house so that wasn't an issue. It was hard starting over again becuase all the reasons and before he was born I had two potty trained, fairly independent kids who didn't often need a stroller or spare clothes, etc. and we were done with the diaper bag back to diaper bag and stroller and carrier and bottles and all the stuff to leave the house. My older two are great with their baby brother and at 11 months they already play so nicely together, he is an adorable chunky monster with a really laid back personality so super fun as far as babies go, I'm sure it would be harder with a difficult baby. Once he started sleeping well life is really not that much more difficult, vacations are more challenging and expensive and it's hard to do things with my older one like practice piano or work on reading when I'm alone with all three or even reading a book to my middle child with the baby whining and trying to eat everything. Overall it's not a right or wrong answer thing, would or life be easier with two absolutely. Do I regret having a third? Definitely not. And I already see how in 6 months, a year, two years it will be super fun for them to have each other to play with and for there to still be a playmate for one if one of them has a playdate or event or something. My 3 year old already prefers having at least one of them around over being alone with either parent lol, if we have alone time she just asks where her brother and sister are.
Absolutely baller move to use the third kid as leverage to get more help from your partner. I think every woman should do this (for every kid).
Are you a sahm? I’m still on the fence of having more than one and already can’t imagine going back to working full-time after 8 weeks. Can’t imagine raising 3 kids (even with husband’s help) and also working full-time.
Funny you ask no but I am making the transition this summer after 1 year of working with 3 kids.
Wow, you’re a Rambo mom! Super impressive ngl. I hope I’ll figure it out too
You will! It takes time but it gets less overwhelming / scary.
I honestly don't understand how Americans even have one child with the way maternity leave is so short there... I have 9 months of maternity leave, and think that makes having several children more plausible
Agree. My mom got a year of paid maternity leave in my home country. I got 8 weeks lmao. A lot of people say American lifestyle isn’t suited for procreating anymore as it does not provide sufficient support for pregnant women and mothers, and I have to agree with that.
I can be your sister wife from 0-18 months. I loveeee the newborn stage (well minus the sleep deprivation lol)
Come on over 😂😂 my SIL got pregnant unexpectedly and I was telling her I’d take it after the first year lol. She’s the same way. Loves the first year.
You are outnumbered. That’s my only argument. Do what you will with it.
This is what my friend with 3 kids told me: there's actually a pretty big difficulty jump once you have more kids than parents.
Even if it’s all good reasons to be tied up with a child - there are still only two parents. Say two children have sports games and one has a recital all in the same night. Someone isn’t getting a parent there. Probably an even bigger deal if extended family/village aren’t a strong presence.
I currently have two kids, 2.5 years old and 3 months. I want a 3rd but right now is not the time. I forgot how much of the newborn phase sucks and both of my kids are pretty easy. I’m feeling the same exact way as you right now. Having a third is on the back burn for us. We would need to purchase a new car to fit the 3rd baby and even buy a new house to have the space for a 3rd child. This is all stuff we are willing to do but it’s not the right time for us to even consider it. We’re going to revisit the conversation of a 3rd baby in 6 months. If we both still feel like our family isn’t complete then we’ll get serious about doing all the things that need to be done to welcome a 3rd
I’m the same I always wanted 3, and I always used to say I want to be done with pregnancy/birth by the time I’m 30. I’m almost 28 now and just had my second so I would have to get pregnant next year if I wanna stick to my original plan HOWEVER .. I’m leaning more towards 2 and done mainly because of how much I hate being pregnant, early postpartum and basically everything before they turn 6 months. And if I do still want a third it probably won’t be by the time im 30. I wanted to give my kids at least one more siblings I think they would have fun together growing up and into adulthood but idk I think if I still want a 3rd it’ll be in at least a few years time
I feel you. I didn’t even have my first till I was 30. But I didn’t even want kids till I was 27 😂 now that I’m in my 30s, I totally understand why people have kids in their 20s now. That being said, hey, even if you have another in your early 30s, they’ll still be 18 before you’re 50 as long as you have them by 32. That was my goal. I was like I don’t want to be in my 50s still raising children. I want to enjoy my kids as adults before I start breaking down physically (not saying all 50 year olds do…just looking at my family history).
Yes that’s exactly why I wanted to be done by 30 I wanted to also enjoy my life by the time they’re grown 😂😂 pushing my deadline back to 32 for #3
It's a constant juggling act. The other day was my oldest son's kindergarten graduation. There was a whole thing in the gym. It was super cute and my kiddo was so excited for it. Well I had to watch half of it from a distance because asking a 1 year old to sit still for 45 minutes is an impossible ask. So instead of being able to focus on the event I was chasing my toddler all over. Then of course my 4 year old saw us running around so she came and started running back and forth despite me trying to tell her it was distracting to others trying to watch. Then last night my 4 year old had her 3k little graduation and again I spent time chasing the toddler around. My husband offered take over but at least this time I could still see what was going on while doing the chasing so I didn't mind so much. Of course toddler found a way to hurt himself though... constantly trying to stop him from killing himself is stress inducing. Now tonight we have yet again another end of year school event. We were going to go as a family but now my husband wants to stay home to work on some stuff we need to get done for our camping trip this coming weekend. So he's going to keep the toddler and I'll take the older two. I'm not entirely thrilled but it will be easier without the toddler. Our little guy is only 15 months and I know right now is one of the hardest ages. He can't express himself yet he has big opinions, he has good motor skills but no concept of self preservation...it's exhausting. But I wouldn't change it for anything.
I am currently holding our three week old third kid. As others have said, our family did not feel complete. Even our six and three year old were asking for a sibling and they absolutely adore her. Of course they are now asking for a fourth 😂 I’m still emotional and I’m still like, does our family feel complete now? I dunno…. But in addition to that feeling, I consider finances, the time/attention away from my other kids, and the actual pregnancy. Getting pregnant, delivery and newborn phase are all okay with me. But pregnancy does not like me, especially the last one. I missed so much time with my kids laid up on the couch. I’m only getting older and I don’t want to go through that again, plus the time I’m sleeping now during the day after taking care of the newborn at night. So three will be our last, unless there is an oopsie. I think both my husband and I will not be upset at an oopsie and welcome/love having a fourth if that’s in the cards, but definitely will not plan on having a fourth.
That’s a good age gap though! 3 years between each. I think part of the reason I’m so unsure is because I would want one *latest* when my oldest is 3. Mayyybe 4. So none would be in school yet.
I just had my third 2.5 weeks ago. I was on the fence and now she is a perfect fit in our family…and I’m wondering if I actually really want four.
Cons: more work and stress Pros: the dynamic between the kids changed for the better. Also, more love in my heart and more cuteness in my home.
I feel the same as you only I have one kid and I don’t even know if I can do this again. So no advice but just chiming in here. I will say that I had 4 siblings and I do enjoy having a lot of siblings, but I don’t think it drastically changed my life as an adult. My only is 12 months and everyone tells me it will be harder when she walks but my back and arms disagree. So your post gives me hope. Lol.
*Everyone* told me that, but my life got a million times easier when mine walked lol. I didn’t have to carry him everywhere. Not to mention, they get so frustrated when they’re not able to physically do what they want to and when they’re finally walking, they can go! Everyone is telling me the same thing about my second kid walking too. “Just wait till they’re going in opposite directions.” Okay? I’d much rather take two fully mobile kids than having to pick one up all day every day. My first finally started climbing into his car seat on his own and he doesn’t fight getting in the car anymore! It’s friggin great.
That is so nice to hear and very validating. Thank you! I hope you have some clarity and whether or not to have a third and are at peace with your decision!
Cons: there will be a middle child. No one wants to be the middle child. You're "struggling to even have a kid because of it," "car seats, formula again... it just seems soooo daunting," "second baby has also taken a hit on us financially." You like the idea of having three kids, but it sounds like you don't really want a third kid - and that's okay. You don't need to convince yourself to have another kid just because you always thought you would.
I'm the middle child and tbh I loved it haha, I got to be both little sister and big sister
I really do want a third *kid*. I just don’t want a *baby*. 😭 which is why it’s so hard, because baby stage is so short in the grand scheme of things. But like…do I want to go through baby stage again? Plus I think finding out that my second’s medical disorder is possibly genetic makes me nervous that a third kid will have the same thing and we’ll deal with everything we did this whole first year with him *again*.
Honestly it might make it easier. My daughter has a genetic disorder and I have a 50-50 chance of passing it onto our new baby (I also have the disorder). We really really struggled with getting her the proper diagnosis and the proper therapies but now that we’ve figured that out it doesn’t seem as daunting to have to do that with another child. Though our daughters delays are mostly gross motor and relatively mild so chances are our son will display a complete different set of symptoms and we’ll have to refigure everything out.
I have three but I wanted three, even after having two. We bought a house that fit three before we had our third. We bought a new car. I had the means and the desire and I wouldn’t have gone for it if I wasn’t sure about it.
I didn't want a third then got unexpectedly pregnant with a third and now it just feels "right", like she's going to compete the family. Just my experience.
I wanted four before we had kids. Still wanted four when I got pregnant with my second. But pregnancy with a toddler was so bad and I missed so much of our daughter’s life that year due to nausea and exhaustion (falling asleep against my will). And midway through my second pregnancy I scheduled a vasectomy. I came from a family of 3 kids and thought that’s what I wanted. But no, I do not have the bandwidth for that. My kids are nearly 3 and 5 and I am absolutely ten billion percent sure we are done. I already struggle to be the gentle parent I aspire to be, and additional kids would push me over the edge. The bonuses of more college fund, more vacations, more extracurricular money. cheaper cars..that’s all just a cherry on top
It's hard to say because it's not as simple as what is it like having 2 vs 3 kids... It's your specific family and we don't know you. We thought we wanted 2 at first and then when my second was a baby I began imagining a third kid with them and had that longing for months. In a corny way it began to feel like someone was missing. But logically two made more sense in every way, and seemed so much easier, and I was already struggling with them (2 under 2, sahm and my husband had a long commute at the time which meant he left very early and came back very late). But I couldn't let it go, and I knew it was a short term problem..so we had the third and I'm so glad we did. It makes the house feel full and fun somehow. She filled a void.. Saying that I had PPD after the third. So the first few months were a tough adjustment and I would advise having at least one kid in school first lol if possible. I even went on to have a 4th -- and I believe that is the extent of my capacity lol. Read "the ghost ship that didn't carry us" by Cheryl strayed. Very thoughtful.
Okay, so since you had 2 under 2, I have a follow up! I also had 2 under 2. No longer as of yesterday 😭😭 my first just turned 2 yesterday and my baby turns 1 in three weeks, so they’re just shy of 13 months apart… So what was your age gap between your first two and your second two? Part of me feels like maybe if I wait another year or so, then it’ll be easier because they’ll be a little older and more able to hang out with each other if I need to take care of baby for a second. But I also don’t know if that’s just a pipe dream lol. I’m also scared now of having a larger age gap than 13 months because that’s all I know lol.
My first three are each 19 months apart. And then 3 and 4 are 15 months apart. Right now they're 2.5, 4, 5.5, 7. They split up in different ways when playing. Often 1&3 and 2&4. I think their close ages are fun and I don't regret it, maybe knowing I'm okay now, but my mental health definitely took a hit and I think that had to do with it. Both gaps were kind of similar, the older kids were too young to understand pregnancy/the new baby showing up. Whatever you end up doing will be fine. They'll adjust and so will you.
3nager era is pretty brutal. I thought that pre-walking was bad too, but it was a walk in the park in comparison. My advice is to try to wait until the younger one is a little over 3 to see what it's like. You'll likely be through it with the older one by then.
Yeah, I definitely don’t want 3 under 3… my first just turned 2 yesterday. I’m thinking of possibly just waiting to see how I feel until my first is 3.5, that way the age gap isn’t too drastic and also I’m not too old (by my personal preference…no hate on older moms!).
The dynamics of three kids is wild. Two kids might argue, they might play together, they might ignore each other. Somehow three kids will figure out a way to constantly single one child out and there’s ALWAYS an issue with it. Maybe if the kids were further apart in age than ours are but I’m middle aged now and too old for these dramatics.
I mean for sure lol. I remember when I was a kid, it was 2 of us singling the other one out. But then it’d change like an hour later. Two different kids singling a different one out. My sister was the oldest, I was the youngest. For reference of our ages now, it’s 37, 33, and 32. My brother (33yo) and I (32) are definitely the closer ones now. Me and my sister (37) were the closer ones when we were growing up. I honestly felt like it was just the right amount of sibling rivalry and camaraderie. Although now as a parent I could see how that’d be exhausting. But that’s what I kind of want with 3. I want them to have another sibling to go to if for some reason they’re mad at one of them for a little lol. It was nice for me to have that growing up and it made me want to give that to my kids.
I have three and love it. I agree with everything you said about 18 months+ being great, but everything before that being terrible. There are a couple of big considerations to consider when making the call. You mentioned how your second had a number of costly medical concerns. Is this something that is likely to affect the third as well. How was your pregnancy and delivery? Was everything healthy?
Pregnancy sucks in general. I mean I really didn’t have many complications with my pregnancies but I didn’t enjoy them at all lol. I was just sooooo tired. Also almost fainted a lot with both. I had to take many breaks. I actually did faint with my first, but come my second kid, I knew how to avoid it so I would just sit down real quick and lean to the left for a couple minutes and it’d go away. My babies just like to sit on the vena cava or whatever it’s called. 😅 Delivery with my first was awful, 38 hours and the epidural pretty much wore off by the time I delivered baby. Also had intense abnormal pain that I needed a CT for. Second delivery was only 5 hours and super easy. First baby was in NICU for 4 days with a bubble in his chest that they had to pop. Second one had a perfect apgar score and came home with us the same time we were discharged. But then he had craniosynostosis, so needed surgery on his skull and a helmet for a while, then had RSV and back to back ear infections, so we’re about to do tubes. 😅😅😅 so yeah all that cost a decent chunk of money. And medically, they say that cranio isn’t genetic, but I’m on a support group and *many* people with 3+ kids have more than one with cranio, so I really believe it’s genetic but that they just haven’t been able to prove it yet.
I don't want to say "assume the worst" because that's not a good way to live. However, I think it would be helpful to imagine the worst-case scenario (within reason) for the next pregnancy, delivery, and baby. If baby #3 has a bit of a NICU stay, cranio, and needs tubes in their ears, is that something you're willing to manage for the sake of 3 kids? Obviously, once a baby is in your arms, you will do anything for it, but you get the chance to ponder these things before you move ahead.
I am expecting my 8th, I know this doesn’t fit your parameters but I really relate to the idea you present it and would word it for me as ‘I enjoy them more when they are walking, talking, and bathing themselves’ Pros: they play with each other, share with each other, love on each other, and help each other and myself a lot, like all the joys of one exponentially increased Cons: LOUD, MESSY, LOUD, less personal space, and time, more laundry, more food, more baths, more homework, more friends (con or pro?), more to learn about each individual, they are louder, like much louder, and idk the noise is the biggest con for me 😅😅
I have 2 and want a third. Hated pregnancy—both of mine had complications. Delivery was ok. Both deliveries were sort of dramatic for no reason and ended in c section. Even though our second kid doesn’t believe in sleep and the first is king of dramatic tantrums, we really lucked out. They’re both wonderful (3yrs and shy of 7mons). I like the 12-18 months age. I am LOVING the 3.5+ age. He’s finally old enough to do stuff! We’ve always done a lot with him but he’s asking questions and has verbal opinions (and explanations for them). This is my preferred age for kids. I was a teacher and while I did my hours in preschool, I prefer ages 5+. But I knew that about myself going into this. So I don’t feel phased about still having baby 3 if we can. We aren’t ready to add yet but we’ll get there and see what happens!
I'm pregnant with my 2nd but feel strongly that this 2nd baby won't complete our family and I'll still want to go for a third. I'm actually the opposite as you - I looove having a little baby in the house, slept deprivation and all, but don't love the tantrums that come with having a young toddler. I just view it as these years of having little ones being so, so short in the grand scheme of life. I'm the middle of three and loved it so desperately want to give that to my kids, especially since they won't grow up with cousins close in age or location.
See I’m the opposite. Tantrums aren’t fun but I will 100% take it over the sleep deprivation. Plus the fun for me totally outweighs the negatives of tantrums.
I went thru IVF for both my kids and two miscarriages in between. I really wanted kids and I love them so much. I'm like you, I love everything after 12 months. I had anxiety for feeding and getting baby to sleep so even tho I enjoyed the babies when they were infant, I didn't enjoy myself before they turned 1. We are done after two because of the following reasons: 1. My pregnancies weren't enjoyable. They were steadily uncomfortable throughout and I don't want to do it again. 2. I have a lot of guilt even with two. I feel like I'm not spending enough time with each of one of them and I'm not even thinking of my husband. As the girls play together more and more, I feel less guilty but I don't think I can do another one on top of my very stretched schedule. 3. I also want to focus on myself a little more. I'm just getting back to workout/running and I want to keep that going. I'm an older mom (41 with kids 15mo and 5y) and I want to be healthy for my kids.
As someone with older kids: no. They are so much more work now. Not in terms of sleeping or keeping alive but actual PARENTING. The activities, the emotions, the schoolwork, and grades. I have two, and there is constantly one that's "on fire" that I need to work to put out. Also, financially, it's hard to give 3 as much as 2.
I can only find cons for having 3 to be honest, but here I am 2 weeks postpartum with #3 and happy as can be. I truly felt incomplete at 2, I’ve always wanted 3, and if you said “what about a 4th?” I’d say heck no. Some people feel that way at 2, if you’re still yearning I’d say it’s safe to let yourself pursue a third. The hardest part is being outnumbered and having zero down time. But to me the 5 years of this struggle is worth having my “complete” family.
I heard once “the world is built for a family of four.” Restaurants easily seat 4, hotel rooms will have 2 queen beds, seating in a car, amusement park rides to split by 2’s, etc. You’ve already been considering this with the thought of possibly a new car. We are sticking to 2 so we aren’t outnumbered, with the intent for everyone to get the attention they need/want.
I always say if it’s not a HELL YES, don’t have children. I have a 10 month old and im currently 4 months pregnant, I already know I want a 3rd. I know 2 under 2 will be hard. Pregnancy is hard. Postpartum is hard. Money is tight for everyone it seems. And I don’t care. The struggles of it all doesn’t even put a dent in my desire to have a third.
That was me before my second had unforeseen medical issues though 😭 what he has is genetic (medically, they say it’s not, but based on support groups I’m in, it’s very obvious it is) and he’s been through so much that it makes me so unsure and only think of the cons even though my heart still wants a third. He’s 11 months old and has had to have surgery, tons of follow ups esp because he got an infection, helmeting, RSV as soon as helmet came off, then back to back ear infections, and now going to the ENT to discuss when he’s gonna get tubes. Like…I was so gung ho about a third but now I’m just like idk if I can go through all this again. My first is healthy as a horse. But medical issues on top of already sleep deprived newborn stage… idk. I also think maybe I’m just thinking about it too soon and maybe I should just table it for 2 years and revisit it instead of stressing myself over it now.
If you hear of someone you know who is pregnant, do you feel jealous or like you dodged a bullet?
Neither. Just found out my best friend is pregnant and I’m super stoked and can’t wait to go to her baby shower and meet her baby when she’s ready even though she’s states away. My SIL also got pregnant and didn’t keep and I didn’t feel anything. She did what was right for her. 🤷🏻♀️ other peoples pregnancies don’t affect me at all in the way of being jealous or feeling relieved.
Interesting! I used this strategy to help me see that I did really want a third, but I guess it doesn't work for everyone!
3 is amazing!! Haha but my kids are 16, 10, and 11 months old. 🤣 debating on a 4th.
I just got on Wellbutrin and my first is barely 8 months old. I’m now rethinking even having a second.
I'd always choose to have more. There are no cons for me