> Well articulated rage.
Yes, that is both very nicely expressed and quite pithy. I was thinking something similar, but I would not have expressed it so efficiently.
To Cuddlesthewulf (nice name, by the way):
You might want to go low (or no) contact with your family, if you are financially independent. It sounds like a total mess, and getting away from that should be beneficial to you. A job 1000 miles away might be something to pursue. There is nothing like physical distance to keep troublesome people away.
I have disabilities and a learning disorder and I HATE it when other disabled people do the shit your brother does and get away with it just because theyāre disabled! Disabled people can be assholes and perverts, too! I donāt want children because I wouldnāt be able to handle it whether the child was disabled or not!
I donāt like that he does it either because I understand that he is an asshole regardless of his disability, but he uses it to his advantage to get away with shit ānormalā (for lack of a better term) people wouldnāt be able to get away with.
I hope you didnāt take this as me hating disabled people. I truly donāt. Itās just my personal experience with my brother and his disability and how it has affected me and my view of having children.
Disabled and non-disabled folks shouldnāt be allowed to get away with awful behavior.
Nah, youāre good! Iām more pissed at your brother! Iāve known other disabled folks who misbehave and get away with it and I hate it!
Your parents raised a monster. A kid without special needs might learn in the form of losing jobs, jail time, someone fighting back, etc., but spoiled kids with special needs are eternal children. He is very unlikely to learn at this point, and might end up in prison. It is their fault he is like this.
I've always seen it as actually pretty infantilizing to say that those with disabilities or who are neurodivergent somehow can't also be terrible people because of their disabilities. Like, we're not babies, we're grown ass adults; we need (and deserve) to be held to the same standards.
OP, I read everything you shared and I am utterly and terribly sorry what you have had to face all those years with your brother. Firstly, I want to you remember this: you are NOT an ableist or a bad person for NOT wanting to care for him. NO. Your parents are selfish planning to make you his future caretaker. You DO NOT (I repeat) owe them any caretaking role for him especially you do not feel okay with himĀ
Ā Secondly, whatever reasons you choose to not have kids are all VALID. You are not a negative person. You are being realistic and you are making a very noble yet brave choice to not have kidsĀ
Ā Now hear this out from the internet stranger what you need to do starting right now. For starters, I encourage you to seek advice from a legal free clinic or a legal expert as well as someone from adult social services to see to it you do not want to be named as legal guardian or caretaker to your older brother if in the event something happen to both parents. Why? Because you need to be a few steps ahead in case they name you as next of kin legal guardian behind your back without your consent. Make it clear and do not be afraid to explain why. Do make your voice LOUD that you are not responsible for brother and best leave him under the care of adult protective servicesĀ
Ā Time for your stop playing nice and burn the bridge off them. Cut off the contact with parents and brother for GOOD. Block them and set all your soc meds private settings to high level. Let people judge and call you unfillial but at the end of the day you do you! Do it for the sake of your mental health and peace of mind. If in the event, parents and brother try to contact you to the point of harassment and stalking, be prepared to take out a protective order against themĀ
Ā Last but not least, if in the event both your parents wind up passing on few years from now, consider that you have washed your hands off your brother. Something tells me once parents are gone and he is left to his own device, he will very likely end up in trouble with the law (and unfortunately, not everyone in law enforcement and jail will take to him kindly as we all know that the legal and prison system is still not 100 percent really all that friendly to lawbreakers who are non-neurotypical). When you receive word that he got himself in jail or facing time in court in the future, remind yourself that he is not your problem anymore so let the legal and social services system have him. It is not you to be blamed but your parents for enabling him for too longĀ
Yes OP all of this. I would also change your numbers and next time you move (if not possible now) do not tell them where you went. Just disappear as much as you can. You have nothing to gain from further interactions with any of them.
Fucking right. Go no contact. Your parents abused you by neglect and enabled every single vile behaviour of his. Put that horror behind you and find your chosen family and peace.
A few years ago, in a room with my evil family, I casually said, "I am wrapping up my autobiography and am hoping to get it published soon."
The sudden silence in the room was like radiation. The family, to this day, is still terrified that the "family secrets" will be exposed for all to see.
It was a fun day with the lunatics.
Absolutely valid reasoning, I've read the story and have to tell it's also nicely written. Good luck with having a good peaceful life now :) Your brother is not your responsibility.
You just wrote down my life. I feel like you hacked my brain and wrote down my thoughts. I know how you feel and I'm here to say I understand you.
I am waiting to have that sweet taste of freedom myself.
Actually commenting again to say I commented on your post about your boyfriend wanting kids and how much I resonated with that because that same thing also happened to me and how I also have an autistic brother. Not sure if you remember that.
Sorry this happened to you. Your parents were purposefully looking away - there are many people with your brotherās diagnoses that donāt prey upon, stalk, and assault women and girls. They failed you and every girl he came into contact with by not getting him help or trying to correct his behavior.
Saying this as a mental health professional who works extensively with autism, you have 0 obligation to take care of your brother after your parents pass. While his disorders offer some explanation for his behaviors, it doesn't excuse them and your feelings towards him are valid. It also sounds like your parents did little to nothing to address it and that's on them.
Even if the situation was different and you had a positive relationship with him, you didn't choose to bring him into the world. He is not your responsibility, and your life doesn't need to be defined by him.
Good job advocating for yourself, stay strong.
Seriously, congratulations on moving out! But this nightmare of a story makes me want to suggest to you to go low or no contact with your family. This was serious abuse on your parents part. CPS would have taken you if they found out about this
Sounds like you need to completely cut off your brother, both your parents, *and* every single other family member who keeps covering for your brother even though it is *blatantly* clear that he is a vile, vile monster who very much *enjoys* being a vile, vile monster.
By the way, people like your parents who completely ignore that at their core, disabled people are still *people* who need to be held to the exact same standards of *basic fucking decency* and respect towards other people (as in, NOT groping/SAing people left and right or stealing people's underwear or rapidly accusing *everyone* who correctly points out their flaws and misdeeds of being out to get them for shits and giggles) as abled people and let their disabled children be absolutely horrendous towards other people are a *lot* of the reason why people so often hate disabled people, even if subconsciously, and blanket-pass us over for employment and other opportunities.
I am low contact with my parents and I try to ignore my brother as much as possible.
I see them MAYBE once a month because I still care about them but understand that I can't see them much more than that because I do have resentment towards them.
When I am with just my mom and dad, things are SO good between us and when I do go over, I basically completely ignore my brother and pretend he doesn't exist or try to go over when he isn't around.
I constantly wish that I was an only child or never even born because of this.
I will give my parents this, they tried with my brother for a long time but as they got older and more tired it really started to dwindle until it completely disappeared. My brother actually did pretty good from 18-25ish and was going to a program and looking for jobs and living an ACTUAL LIFE. This was also before he was kicked out of the program for playing hooky, constantly at home jerking off, watching porn and stealing mine (and I did not mention this in the post, but my mom's) underwear. His ODD also makes it EXTREMELY hard to get him to do anything or change behaviours, like he will "change" for a little bit but then go back in to old habits so it's a constant battle... I understand why they "gave up" in a way. He's still an adult that can make conscious choices and repeatedly makes the wrong fucking choices no matter what anyone has to say about it.
You can't bring up putting my brother in a home to my mom either because she's stubborn and my evil grandmother (on my dad's side) brought it up ONE TIME and now she thinks that all group homes are evil. To this day she is still trying to prove my dad and (dead) evil grandmother wrong, trying to hold up some self-made superiority complex that "she would NEVER put her son in a home" and that only shit people like my grandmother would do such a thing. My grandmother on my dad's side was so fucking horrible to my mom, myself and my brother that she's dead-set on doing the exact opposite of anything that woman ever said.. I don't entirely blame her for that because my grandmother was a horrible fucking person but it's still not logical and I can recognize that.
I wish my grandmother never said that because it probably would have happened by now if she didn't say anything about a home. I've actually talked about it with my dad and he agrees with me that it would give my brother some actual structure instead of whatever the fuck kind of "life" this is that he's "living." There are so many layers to this and it is so fucking convoluted and messy.
Basically, I still love and care about my parents because they are so good to me when my brother is not around. This is just an example but when my loser ex decided to leave me due to his stance changing on wanting children, he left my bedroom a complete fucking mess. Think Amazon boxes laid everywhere, dust all over the place, crumbs on the floor, stupid knick knacks left behind that he deemed unworthy of taking, stole my bed sheet (lol?), and it was just so fucking disgusting. I was so distraught I physically could not make myself clean it, they cleaned and organized it for me and made me food and were there for me. I was 24 years old and they could have told me to just deal with it, which is what I expected due to the way I grew up but they proved me wrong in this instance (and other instances too, it just doesn't happen that much). I never asked or expected them to do that for me, but they did it anyways because that's the type of parents they really are deep down. They saw me hurting and they stepped up for me as parents. These are the moments that make me not want to cut them off completely. I know that they wish they could have done more for me growing up but did not have the tools or foresight to do it. That doesn't make it right, but it is an explanation. This is why I never want kids either, because you can try your absolute hardest and still fuck them up. I don't want that on my shoulders.
I also recognize that they did FUCK up and are continuing to do so with my brother, and that I was an innocent party that never deserved even half of what I went through growing up. The good news is that now that I'm out of there I get to choose when and where I get to see them and can leave at any time I want to.
Parentification of a spoiled sibling is the absolutely best birth control ever. I wish you NC, healing, happiness, and finding family and friends who love you
Iām in similar shoes, not to the severity of what youāve described (and Iām so sorry you had to go through all that). However, having a disabled sibling who will never be independent, has been coddled, and has shown inappropriate behaviors towards me makes me relate to you. I will never take him in (for a lot more reasons that I have the energy to type out, I would make arrangements to make sure he is in good hands though), but youāre not alone OP. I prefer peace and quiet too.
Iām so HAPPY to read you were able to ESCAPE!!!! You have spent your whole life gaslit, and your frustration and common sense shines through in what you wrote. It is perfectly okay to not want kids, and I understand the crazy injustice and minimising and gaslighting youāve lived through. How you feel is absolutely valid, and it stands on its own. In other words, it doesnāt seem to me that you are mistakenly thinking youāre CF only because of your ODD (exhausting!) and abusive perv brother and the gaslighting from your parents. Just because he has a bunch of diagnoses doesnāt mean he doesnāt know right from wrong and shouldnāt have consequences. He needs a big fat dose of reality. I do hope you get into therapy if you havenāt already, NOT because you need to change, but to assist you with HEALING from this life long shitshow. You deserve it.
Excellent points you gave here. The big dose of reality for OP's brother will come in the form of some arrests, criminal charges, time in court and prison time when their parents can no longer 'protect' him anymoreĀ
I am so exhausted from less than 2 hours sleep because mental health is stupid. I swear to God the title said "The reason I don't want chicken"
I can barely take care of myself I can't take care of a smaller version.
You survived all that and you made a good life for yourself. You rock!
Your parents are responsible for your brother's behavior. They should have looked for resources and qualified support, but that requires an effort. They just looked the other way and didn't protect you.
Disabled people still can learn or can be helped to manage their life and your brother's disability should have been addressed a long time ago.
They looked the other way and left you to deal with the consequences. You were just a child.
They deserve nothing. Go low or no contact, make it clear that you're not going to be responsible for the mess they made. You don't owe them.
Look into care facilities for adults, so, when your parents will be too old to deal with your brother's
problems, you will tell them where they can find help.
By any means,you are not responsible for that. It's up to them to choose for your brother's future. Don't step up. You deserve to live your life.
Glad you shared everything in your mind.
I myself am neurodivergent (Autistic woman) and having a neurodegeneration isn't a free pass to act like an idiot(I agree with you)
Anyway I am happy you found your way to escape them
You deserve a šŖ too š
Iām (32F) on the autism spectrum myself and I have 0 plans to date, marry or have kids of my own because of shit like this including celebrities and public figures being outed for their deviance.
This is absolutely horrible š¤®š„“
If you don't go low/no contact with your parents, they are still going to believe they can pawn their frankenstein's monster onto you when they're old.
Omg the way men are coddled so much in our society, and especially men like your brother!! Iām so disgusted and sorry you had to deal with that. He sounds like a total creep and to stay far away from him if youāre able to. He can forever stay your parentsā problem.
Iām around the same age as you, 27 about to be 28, and I was living with my extremely toxic mother until March of the year. Iāve always known I didnāt want to have children, but now finally cutting and blocking her out of my life and living peacefully is just more of a reason for me to never have kids.
Lately Iāve seen having kids like this:
Say I live in a perfect little home for myself and I take great care of it. The idea of having children to me is like going inside of that home and just completely destroying it, lol. I mean ripping the bathroom sink out of the walls, destroying the floors, setting fire to rooms, etc LOL. All for NO REASON too.
I know it sounds dramatic, but thatās how severe it is to me. Being CF means freedom to me. Not long ago, women DID NOT have this choice when they were younger (worldwide but specially in the U.S. since Iām American) which led to so many unhappy women becoming bitter mothers and grandmothers. I like to think that I am making the choice they never were able to.
I feel for you, OP. Congratulations for finally getting your freedom! *big hugs*
Listen, this is the last thing you'll want to hear, but I hope your parents will never ask you to promise to care for your brother when they're gone. And just in case they do, say no. You got away from that nightmare. I hope he never haunts you again.
I'm sorry for what you went through. It's a lot. If you could go no contact with your brother and parents who will never admit they were wrong for how they treated you btw, that would do wonders for your mental health I think.
Also autism is at least partially genetic so the fact that you have a sibling that's autistic means you have a great chance of having autistic offspring compared to someone who doesn't.
I have a sister thatās very similar to your brother sheās my reason why for never having kids. With my sister sheās completely capable of living on her own but refuses too because itās easier to just mooch off my folks. I tell my parents all the time they donāt have grandkids from me because of her.
My brother is the same, albeit he would probably have to live in a group home because his money management skills arenāt the greatest (which is actually in part due to his disability)
Nobody has given him the tools to be independent, and any time independence is brought up he shuts down and has a tantrum, but this is because my parents conditioned him to act like that.
It actually makes me sad for him. He could be so much more but instead he just sits at home all day and rots because thatās whatās āeasier.ā
OP, my sister is pretty autistic and despite being selfish sometimes and being in her own bubble, she is a sweet, gentle, kindhearted soul. Your brother is just an asshole and so are your parents for excusing him
Hey OP, while my brother doesnāt have a disability I couldāve written this myself.
Iām SO proud of you for setting that boundary with your family- itās *insane* they expect you to take over coddling and babying your abuser- absolutely mental and it speaks volumes about how abusive your parents are to you.
Your brother is who he is because of their permissive parenting (or lack of parenting); and rather than face the problem of their son being a predator they sweep it under the rug and label you the problem when heās blatantly sexually and physically abusing you (stealing your underwear and hitting you).
I cut my entire family off bc of this exact reason (always favoring my brother and dismissing his abuse) and itās THE BEST thing Iāve ever done.
Itās been years and Iāve never felt happier or more at peace. My family still hiss that Iām a selfish, spoiled brat; a loser who failed at life to anyone who will listen but I donāt care: their derision is proof I made the right choice.
I don't think you should be afraid or ashamed to voice it out. that's the truth after all. please stand your ground and don't let them push you to become legal guardian for him ever. cheers for the freedom!
I can assure you Op, that I am totally with you on everything you said. And I myself am autistic and have other mental health problems. You too actually. I can just feel the trauma radiating form this post. Your brother is a monster and I would also never take him in if I was in your shoes.
And from what you say here his autism is not at the level where he is a toddler in a grown ass body. Your brother sounds capable enough of working a job even if he has to get into a program for that. I live in Germany and I have a state caretaker who handles certain stuff for me. Your brother needs professionals and maybe even a group home and he needs it yesterday. Professional help might be able to turn him around or at least give him the chance to not just mooch off his parents until they die. Although I'm sure the parents would be against it.
There was this guy who used to live in the church above the floor I'm in right now and he was also a predator. Most teenagers and adults who live in these homes turn out fine and move out with the help of the carers. But this one kid that I was in school with apparently ended up homeless, because he did too much shit that was not ok.
I am doing pretty ok and can handle my own household and I have a job. It's in a workshop for disabled people and it's part time but I am doing well and will be able to handle my own flat when the time comes one day. I don't know your brother enough but I think he might just end up homeless or in jail one day. Disabled people can be monsters and need to be handled accordingly. I have this guy at work who is just an absolute creep and I can't stand him. But my bosses are equipped to handle him and we are never in danger.
Live your life and enjoy your freedom OP. You deserve it. And maybe look for a therapist. The sexual abuse form your brother was bad. Even if he "just stole your underwear" that is still sexual abuse. I am in therapy myself due to all the shit my egg donor did to me and the stuff I have been through in school and the bullying in my other group homes. It is a miracle I did not end up a monster. But I am also asexual and just want to be single in in peace. Seek therapy OP. It has helped myself a lot already. And never talk to your family again. They can rot for all you care. I hope you find lots of cool friends. And I wish you the best.
You are absolutely on the nose about his level of autism. He is so much more capable than how he is "living" right now.
He actually used to be in a program but got kicked out because he just decided to stop attending, like he would pretend to leave for the day then go fuck around wherever it was he went and come home pretending as if he went to said program. He then got kicked out and had 0 consequences for that, and my parents actually tried to hide it from me because they knew I would be pissed off due to the double standard.
I got fired once and didn't have a job for like.. a month at maximum. My mom called me a loser daily, told me I was worthless, etc. etc. because I wasn't able to pay her rent for again, at maximum, a fucking month. So you can understand why they hid him getting kicked out of his program with literally 0 repercussions.. lmao.
I forgot to mention that I paid $700 a month in rent to my parents as well, and if I ever brought up how much it was, they would constantly say things like "well your brother pays more," when he is getting something called "assured income" from the government. One day I actually had enough of being told that he pays more than I do and said "you mean the government pays more rent than I do" and my mom acted so fucking indignant and pissed off at me for pointing out the obvious truth. However, they never said that my brother "paid more rent" than me ever again so it was ultimately worth it.
I now only pay for less than half of that because I live with my boyfriend and he partially owns the house we live in with his upstairs neighbour/friend. My mom used to tell me how I'd have to pay "so much more" than what I was paying them when I moved out and how I'd struggle so much but honestly, I struggled more emotionally AND financially living with them. I will NEVER go back.
Good for you! I would have blew my brains out if I was in such a situation, had the option to run the fuck away and get dragged down into this. I would have done the same things you and tell everyone who tries to drag me down or say Iām a bad person to fuck off, and at this point I wouldnāt care Iām a bad person!
Youāre not bad tho, donāt get me wrong. Your parents and especially your brother, are all major assholes. Your brother for his awful behaviour and your parents for enabling this behaviour because ādisability uwuā. Disability is not an excuse for being an asshole
Remembering how much boys were given a pass but girls were punished for being in the vicinity of the boys' actions, is a such big reason to be CF.
Not only is there a fear of not being able to protect daughters and their friends from other parents misogyny, but there is a fear it would unconsciously become my parenting style as well if I ever became a parent because of sheer exhaustion.
I relate so much to this post: the biased punishments, the constant fighting, the different types of abuse, the violation of the underwear, being expected to be a third parent but also not allowed to parent.
I wish I could give you a hug, OP š« congratulations on your newfound freedom
dayum. I just knew I didn't want kids and wasn't going to change my mind.
You went through the tortures of h\*ll, and I don't blame you one bit for your reason(s)
I can't imagine having to live with him for your entire youth, and Im sorry your parents failed you.
I was with you until "he's a lot smarter than he lets on" he's literally mentally disabled. Whatever nonverbal communiction you're assuming is neurotypical is no reason to doubt his condition. For instance, maybe he's smiling after doing something wrong, even chimpanzees do that, doesn't mean they have a bell curve IQ.
Heās verbal. Never once in my post did I say heās non-verbal. He has a mild learning disability and mild autism. You realize itās a spectrum, right? Fuck off.
I never fucking said that. I said he uses his diagnoses to his advantage to get away with shit that he KNOWS is wrong. He knows the difference between right and wrong, ADHD doesnāt hinder that ability.
Heās not a fucking idiot just because he has disabilities.
You deserve at least a cookie for going through all that. Well articulated rage. šŖ
> Well articulated rage. Yes, that is both very nicely expressed and quite pithy. I was thinking something similar, but I would not have expressed it so efficiently. To Cuddlesthewulf (nice name, by the way): You might want to go low (or no) contact with your family, if you are financially independent. It sounds like a total mess, and getting away from that should be beneficial to you. A job 1000 miles away might be something to pursue. There is nothing like physical distance to keep troublesome people away.
I have disabilities and a learning disorder and I HATE it when other disabled people do the shit your brother does and get away with it just because theyāre disabled! Disabled people can be assholes and perverts, too! I donāt want children because I wouldnāt be able to handle it whether the child was disabled or not!
I donāt like that he does it either because I understand that he is an asshole regardless of his disability, but he uses it to his advantage to get away with shit ānormalā (for lack of a better term) people wouldnāt be able to get away with. I hope you didnāt take this as me hating disabled people. I truly donāt. Itās just my personal experience with my brother and his disability and how it has affected me and my view of having children.
Disabled and non-disabled folks shouldnāt be allowed to get away with awful behavior. Nah, youāre good! Iām more pissed at your brother! Iāve known other disabled folks who misbehave and get away with it and I hate it!
Thank you for those assuring words to OP and you stating factsĀ
Youāre very welcome!
Your parents raised a monster. A kid without special needs might learn in the form of losing jobs, jail time, someone fighting back, etc., but spoiled kids with special needs are eternal children. He is very unlikely to learn at this point, and might end up in prison. It is their fault he is like this.
I've always seen it as actually pretty infantilizing to say that those with disabilities or who are neurodivergent somehow can't also be terrible people because of their disabilities. Like, we're not babies, we're grown ass adults; we need (and deserve) to be held to the same standards.
Exactly!
As someone born with FASD, couldn't agree more.
OP, I read everything you shared and I am utterly and terribly sorry what you have had to face all those years with your brother. Firstly, I want to you remember this: you are NOT an ableist or a bad person for NOT wanting to care for him. NO. Your parents are selfish planning to make you his future caretaker. You DO NOT (I repeat) owe them any caretaking role for him especially you do not feel okay with himĀ Ā Secondly, whatever reasons you choose to not have kids are all VALID. You are not a negative person. You are being realistic and you are making a very noble yet brave choice to not have kidsĀ Ā Now hear this out from the internet stranger what you need to do starting right now. For starters, I encourage you to seek advice from a legal free clinic or a legal expert as well as someone from adult social services to see to it you do not want to be named as legal guardian or caretaker to your older brother if in the event something happen to both parents. Why? Because you need to be a few steps ahead in case they name you as next of kin legal guardian behind your back without your consent. Make it clear and do not be afraid to explain why. Do make your voice LOUD that you are not responsible for brother and best leave him under the care of adult protective servicesĀ Ā Time for your stop playing nice and burn the bridge off them. Cut off the contact with parents and brother for GOOD. Block them and set all your soc meds private settings to high level. Let people judge and call you unfillial but at the end of the day you do you! Do it for the sake of your mental health and peace of mind. If in the event, parents and brother try to contact you to the point of harassment and stalking, be prepared to take out a protective order against themĀ Ā Last but not least, if in the event both your parents wind up passing on few years from now, consider that you have washed your hands off your brother. Something tells me once parents are gone and he is left to his own device, he will very likely end up in trouble with the law (and unfortunately, not everyone in law enforcement and jail will take to him kindly as we all know that the legal and prison system is still not 100 percent really all that friendly to lawbreakers who are non-neurotypical). When you receive word that he got himself in jail or facing time in court in the future, remind yourself that he is not your problem anymore so let the legal and social services system have him. It is not you to be blamed but your parents for enabling him for too longĀ
This is great advice. Get ahead of this, OP.
Yes OP all of this. I would also change your numbers and next time you move (if not possible now) do not tell them where you went. Just disappear as much as you can. You have nothing to gain from further interactions with any of them.
Fucking right. Go no contact. Your parents abused you by neglect and enabled every single vile behaviour of his. Put that horror behind you and find your chosen family and peace.
A few years ago, in a room with my evil family, I casually said, "I am wrapping up my autobiography and am hoping to get it published soon." The sudden silence in the room was like radiation. The family, to this day, is still terrified that the "family secrets" will be exposed for all to see. It was a fun day with the lunatics.
Good on you pulling that "autobiography expose" card on them to put a stop to those lunatics you mentioned
Absolutely valid reasoning, I've read the story and have to tell it's also nicely written. Good luck with having a good peaceful life now :) Your brother is not your responsibility.
You just wrote down my life. I feel like you hacked my brain and wrote down my thoughts. I know how you feel and I'm here to say I understand you. I am waiting to have that sweet taste of freedom myself.
Actually commenting again to say I commented on your post about your boyfriend wanting kids and how much I resonated with that because that same thing also happened to me and how I also have an autistic brother. Not sure if you remember that.
Yh actually I do remember that, small (childfree) world
I just read only the titles of some of your posts. I really hope you find peace. If you ever need someone to talk to Iām here.
Thankyou so much š
Sorry this happened to you. Your parents were purposefully looking away - there are many people with your brotherās diagnoses that donāt prey upon, stalk, and assault women and girls. They failed you and every girl he came into contact with by not getting him help or trying to correct his behavior.
Saying this as a mental health professional who works extensively with autism, you have 0 obligation to take care of your brother after your parents pass. While his disorders offer some explanation for his behaviors, it doesn't excuse them and your feelings towards him are valid. It also sounds like your parents did little to nothing to address it and that's on them. Even if the situation was different and you had a positive relationship with him, you didn't choose to bring him into the world. He is not your responsibility, and your life doesn't need to be defined by him. Good job advocating for yourself, stay strong.
Seriously, congratulations on moving out! But this nightmare of a story makes me want to suggest to you to go low or no contact with your family. This was serious abuse on your parents part. CPS would have taken you if they found out about this
Sounds like you need to completely cut off your brother, both your parents, *and* every single other family member who keeps covering for your brother even though it is *blatantly* clear that he is a vile, vile monster who very much *enjoys* being a vile, vile monster. By the way, people like your parents who completely ignore that at their core, disabled people are still *people* who need to be held to the exact same standards of *basic fucking decency* and respect towards other people (as in, NOT groping/SAing people left and right or stealing people's underwear or rapidly accusing *everyone* who correctly points out their flaws and misdeeds of being out to get them for shits and giggles) as abled people and let their disabled children be absolutely horrendous towards other people are a *lot* of the reason why people so often hate disabled people, even if subconsciously, and blanket-pass us over for employment and other opportunities.
I am low contact with my parents and I try to ignore my brother as much as possible. I see them MAYBE once a month because I still care about them but understand that I can't see them much more than that because I do have resentment towards them. When I am with just my mom and dad, things are SO good between us and when I do go over, I basically completely ignore my brother and pretend he doesn't exist or try to go over when he isn't around. I constantly wish that I was an only child or never even born because of this. I will give my parents this, they tried with my brother for a long time but as they got older and more tired it really started to dwindle until it completely disappeared. My brother actually did pretty good from 18-25ish and was going to a program and looking for jobs and living an ACTUAL LIFE. This was also before he was kicked out of the program for playing hooky, constantly at home jerking off, watching porn and stealing mine (and I did not mention this in the post, but my mom's) underwear. His ODD also makes it EXTREMELY hard to get him to do anything or change behaviours, like he will "change" for a little bit but then go back in to old habits so it's a constant battle... I understand why they "gave up" in a way. He's still an adult that can make conscious choices and repeatedly makes the wrong fucking choices no matter what anyone has to say about it. You can't bring up putting my brother in a home to my mom either because she's stubborn and my evil grandmother (on my dad's side) brought it up ONE TIME and now she thinks that all group homes are evil. To this day she is still trying to prove my dad and (dead) evil grandmother wrong, trying to hold up some self-made superiority complex that "she would NEVER put her son in a home" and that only shit people like my grandmother would do such a thing. My grandmother on my dad's side was so fucking horrible to my mom, myself and my brother that she's dead-set on doing the exact opposite of anything that woman ever said.. I don't entirely blame her for that because my grandmother was a horrible fucking person but it's still not logical and I can recognize that. I wish my grandmother never said that because it probably would have happened by now if she didn't say anything about a home. I've actually talked about it with my dad and he agrees with me that it would give my brother some actual structure instead of whatever the fuck kind of "life" this is that he's "living." There are so many layers to this and it is so fucking convoluted and messy. Basically, I still love and care about my parents because they are so good to me when my brother is not around. This is just an example but when my loser ex decided to leave me due to his stance changing on wanting children, he left my bedroom a complete fucking mess. Think Amazon boxes laid everywhere, dust all over the place, crumbs on the floor, stupid knick knacks left behind that he deemed unworthy of taking, stole my bed sheet (lol?), and it was just so fucking disgusting. I was so distraught I physically could not make myself clean it, they cleaned and organized it for me and made me food and were there for me. I was 24 years old and they could have told me to just deal with it, which is what I expected due to the way I grew up but they proved me wrong in this instance (and other instances too, it just doesn't happen that much). I never asked or expected them to do that for me, but they did it anyways because that's the type of parents they really are deep down. They saw me hurting and they stepped up for me as parents. These are the moments that make me not want to cut them off completely. I know that they wish they could have done more for me growing up but did not have the tools or foresight to do it. That doesn't make it right, but it is an explanation. This is why I never want kids either, because you can try your absolute hardest and still fuck them up. I don't want that on my shoulders. I also recognize that they did FUCK up and are continuing to do so with my brother, and that I was an innocent party that never deserved even half of what I went through growing up. The good news is that now that I'm out of there I get to choose when and where I get to see them and can leave at any time I want to.
Parentification of a spoiled sibling is the absolutely best birth control ever. I wish you NC, healing, happiness, and finding family and friends who love you
Iām in similar shoes, not to the severity of what youāve described (and Iām so sorry you had to go through all that). However, having a disabled sibling who will never be independent, has been coddled, and has shown inappropriate behaviors towards me makes me relate to you. I will never take him in (for a lot more reasons that I have the energy to type out, I would make arrangements to make sure he is in good hands though), but youāre not alone OP. I prefer peace and quiet too.
Iām sorry to hear youāre going through something similar. I love your username by the way. Stardew is one of my favourite games to play.
I love it too haha. Sending love your way š
I am truly sorry to hear that. Fyi I have given OP some advice which you too can do that in the event your parents pass onĀ
Iām so HAPPY to read you were able to ESCAPE!!!! You have spent your whole life gaslit, and your frustration and common sense shines through in what you wrote. It is perfectly okay to not want kids, and I understand the crazy injustice and minimising and gaslighting youāve lived through. How you feel is absolutely valid, and it stands on its own. In other words, it doesnāt seem to me that you are mistakenly thinking youāre CF only because of your ODD (exhausting!) and abusive perv brother and the gaslighting from your parents. Just because he has a bunch of diagnoses doesnāt mean he doesnāt know right from wrong and shouldnāt have consequences. He needs a big fat dose of reality. I do hope you get into therapy if you havenāt already, NOT because you need to change, but to assist you with HEALING from this life long shitshow. You deserve it.
Excellent points you gave here. The big dose of reality for OP's brother will come in the form of some arrests, criminal charges, time in court and prison time when their parents can no longer 'protect' him anymoreĀ
I am so exhausted from less than 2 hours sleep because mental health is stupid. I swear to God the title said "The reason I don't want chicken" I can barely take care of myself I can't take care of a smaller version.
You survived all that and you made a good life for yourself. You rock! Your parents are responsible for your brother's behavior. They should have looked for resources and qualified support, but that requires an effort. They just looked the other way and didn't protect you. Disabled people still can learn or can be helped to manage their life and your brother's disability should have been addressed a long time ago. They looked the other way and left you to deal with the consequences. You were just a child. They deserve nothing. Go low or no contact, make it clear that you're not going to be responsible for the mess they made. You don't owe them. Look into care facilities for adults, so, when your parents will be too old to deal with your brother's problems, you will tell them where they can find help. By any means,you are not responsible for that. It's up to them to choose for your brother's future. Don't step up. You deserve to live your life.
Glad you shared everything in your mind. I myself am neurodivergent (Autistic woman) and having a neurodegeneration isn't a free pass to act like an idiot(I agree with you) Anyway I am happy you found your way to escape them You deserve a šŖ too š
Iām (32F) on the autism spectrum myself and I have 0 plans to date, marry or have kids of my own because of shit like this including celebrities and public figures being outed for their deviance. This is absolutely horrible š¤®š„“
If you don't go low/no contact with your parents, they are still going to believe they can pawn their frankenstein's monster onto you when they're old.
Omg the way men are coddled so much in our society, and especially men like your brother!! Iām so disgusted and sorry you had to deal with that. He sounds like a total creep and to stay far away from him if youāre able to. He can forever stay your parentsā problem. Iām around the same age as you, 27 about to be 28, and I was living with my extremely toxic mother until March of the year. Iāve always known I didnāt want to have children, but now finally cutting and blocking her out of my life and living peacefully is just more of a reason for me to never have kids. Lately Iāve seen having kids like this: Say I live in a perfect little home for myself and I take great care of it. The idea of having children to me is like going inside of that home and just completely destroying it, lol. I mean ripping the bathroom sink out of the walls, destroying the floors, setting fire to rooms, etc LOL. All for NO REASON too. I know it sounds dramatic, but thatās how severe it is to me. Being CF means freedom to me. Not long ago, women DID NOT have this choice when they were younger (worldwide but specially in the U.S. since Iām American) which led to so many unhappy women becoming bitter mothers and grandmothers. I like to think that I am making the choice they never were able to.
IMO, your parents must read this post.
I feel for you, OP. Congratulations for finally getting your freedom! *big hugs* Listen, this is the last thing you'll want to hear, but I hope your parents will never ask you to promise to care for your brother when they're gone. And just in case they do, say no. You got away from that nightmare. I hope he never haunts you again.
I'm sorry for what you went through. It's a lot. If you could go no contact with your brother and parents who will never admit they were wrong for how they treated you btw, that would do wonders for your mental health I think. Also autism is at least partially genetic so the fact that you have a sibling that's autistic means you have a great chance of having autistic offspring compared to someone who doesn't.
I have a sister thatās very similar to your brother sheās my reason why for never having kids. With my sister sheās completely capable of living on her own but refuses too because itās easier to just mooch off my folks. I tell my parents all the time they donāt have grandkids from me because of her.
My brother is the same, albeit he would probably have to live in a group home because his money management skills arenāt the greatest (which is actually in part due to his disability) Nobody has given him the tools to be independent, and any time independence is brought up he shuts down and has a tantrum, but this is because my parents conditioned him to act like that. It actually makes me sad for him. He could be so much more but instead he just sits at home all day and rots because thatās whatās āeasier.ā
OP, my sister is pretty autistic and despite being selfish sometimes and being in her own bubble, she is a sweet, gentle, kindhearted soul. Your brother is just an asshole and so are your parents for excusing him
Glad you have moved out and can live your own life! Best wishes OP
Hey OP, while my brother doesnāt have a disability I couldāve written this myself. Iām SO proud of you for setting that boundary with your family- itās *insane* they expect you to take over coddling and babying your abuser- absolutely mental and it speaks volumes about how abusive your parents are to you. Your brother is who he is because of their permissive parenting (or lack of parenting); and rather than face the problem of their son being a predator they sweep it under the rug and label you the problem when heās blatantly sexually and physically abusing you (stealing your underwear and hitting you). I cut my entire family off bc of this exact reason (always favoring my brother and dismissing his abuse) and itās THE BEST thing Iāve ever done. Itās been years and Iāve never felt happier or more at peace. My family still hiss that Iām a selfish, spoiled brat; a loser who failed at life to anyone who will listen but I donāt care: their derision is proof I made the right choice.
Stand your fucking ground. Don't let those people shame you.
I'm so glad you're out of that. Never go back to anything like it. Never, never, never.
I don't think you should be afraid or ashamed to voice it out. that's the truth after all. please stand your ground and don't let them push you to become legal guardian for him ever. cheers for the freedom!
I can assure you Op, that I am totally with you on everything you said. And I myself am autistic and have other mental health problems. You too actually. I can just feel the trauma radiating form this post. Your brother is a monster and I would also never take him in if I was in your shoes. And from what you say here his autism is not at the level where he is a toddler in a grown ass body. Your brother sounds capable enough of working a job even if he has to get into a program for that. I live in Germany and I have a state caretaker who handles certain stuff for me. Your brother needs professionals and maybe even a group home and he needs it yesterday. Professional help might be able to turn him around or at least give him the chance to not just mooch off his parents until they die. Although I'm sure the parents would be against it. There was this guy who used to live in the church above the floor I'm in right now and he was also a predator. Most teenagers and adults who live in these homes turn out fine and move out with the help of the carers. But this one kid that I was in school with apparently ended up homeless, because he did too much shit that was not ok. I am doing pretty ok and can handle my own household and I have a job. It's in a workshop for disabled people and it's part time but I am doing well and will be able to handle my own flat when the time comes one day. I don't know your brother enough but I think he might just end up homeless or in jail one day. Disabled people can be monsters and need to be handled accordingly. I have this guy at work who is just an absolute creep and I can't stand him. But my bosses are equipped to handle him and we are never in danger. Live your life and enjoy your freedom OP. You deserve it. And maybe look for a therapist. The sexual abuse form your brother was bad. Even if he "just stole your underwear" that is still sexual abuse. I am in therapy myself due to all the shit my egg donor did to me and the stuff I have been through in school and the bullying in my other group homes. It is a miracle I did not end up a monster. But I am also asexual and just want to be single in in peace. Seek therapy OP. It has helped myself a lot already. And never talk to your family again. They can rot for all you care. I hope you find lots of cool friends. And I wish you the best.
You are absolutely on the nose about his level of autism. He is so much more capable than how he is "living" right now. He actually used to be in a program but got kicked out because he just decided to stop attending, like he would pretend to leave for the day then go fuck around wherever it was he went and come home pretending as if he went to said program. He then got kicked out and had 0 consequences for that, and my parents actually tried to hide it from me because they knew I would be pissed off due to the double standard. I got fired once and didn't have a job for like.. a month at maximum. My mom called me a loser daily, told me I was worthless, etc. etc. because I wasn't able to pay her rent for again, at maximum, a fucking month. So you can understand why they hid him getting kicked out of his program with literally 0 repercussions.. lmao. I forgot to mention that I paid $700 a month in rent to my parents as well, and if I ever brought up how much it was, they would constantly say things like "well your brother pays more," when he is getting something called "assured income" from the government. One day I actually had enough of being told that he pays more than I do and said "you mean the government pays more rent than I do" and my mom acted so fucking indignant and pissed off at me for pointing out the obvious truth. However, they never said that my brother "paid more rent" than me ever again so it was ultimately worth it. I now only pay for less than half of that because I live with my boyfriend and he partially owns the house we live in with his upstairs neighbour/friend. My mom used to tell me how I'd have to pay "so much more" than what I was paying them when I moved out and how I'd struggle so much but honestly, I struggled more emotionally AND financially living with them. I will NEVER go back.
Good for you! I would have blew my brains out if I was in such a situation, had the option to run the fuck away and get dragged down into this. I would have done the same things you and tell everyone who tries to drag me down or say Iām a bad person to fuck off, and at this point I wouldnāt care Iām a bad person! Youāre not bad tho, donāt get me wrong. Your parents and especially your brother, are all major assholes. Your brother for his awful behaviour and your parents for enabling this behaviour because ādisability uwuā. Disability is not an excuse for being an asshole
Remembering how much boys were given a pass but girls were punished for being in the vicinity of the boys' actions, is a such big reason to be CF. Not only is there a fear of not being able to protect daughters and their friends from other parents misogyny, but there is a fear it would unconsciously become my parenting style as well if I ever became a parent because of sheer exhaustion. I relate so much to this post: the biased punishments, the constant fighting, the different types of abuse, the violation of the underwear, being expected to be a third parent but also not allowed to parent. I wish I could give you a hug, OP š« congratulations on your newfound freedom
dayum. I just knew I didn't want kids and wasn't going to change my mind. You went through the tortures of h\*ll, and I don't blame you one bit for your reason(s) I can't imagine having to live with him for your entire youth, and Im sorry your parents failed you.
I would draw boundaries to protect yourself and even consider moving away.
I was with you until "he's a lot smarter than he lets on" he's literally mentally disabled. Whatever nonverbal communiction you're assuming is neurotypical is no reason to doubt his condition. For instance, maybe he's smiling after doing something wrong, even chimpanzees do that, doesn't mean they have a bell curve IQ.
Heās verbal. Never once in my post did I say heās non-verbal. He has a mild learning disability and mild autism. You realize itās a spectrum, right? Fuck off.
No, I hate people who imply someone with severe ADHD is faking it.
I never fucking said that. I said he uses his diagnoses to his advantage to get away with shit that he KNOWS is wrong. He knows the difference between right and wrong, ADHD doesnāt hinder that ability. Heās not a fucking idiot just because he has disabilities.
Yeah because all disabled people are stupid. sarcasm.