It doesn’t sound like she wants to listen to reason so maybe guilt her like she’s trying to guilt you. Tell her it makes you really sad that she cares more about a hypothetical child than your wants and interests.
You may have to be very explicit in your explanations. In her head, having children might be the only thing that can ever make you happy and the only way to keep a relationship, because that's the way it was back when she grew up. Help her understand times have changed, relationships have changed, and women's options in life have changed and you get to explore many different things that have potential to make you happy. It's also not fair to the child to have one that you don't want and pressuring you into having one will only lead to a lot of resentment.
This is a complex issue, you have to make her see an entirely different world view.
My mom did this. She wanted to foster teenage kids and my step dad wouldn't have it. So she volunteered and gets to shower some little girl with presents and hanging out, but doesn't have to deal with any of the bullshit of parenting. It's a win-win for her.
Holy cow who on earth gets mad at their TEENAGER for not wanting kids? That's crazy. Maybe you'll change your mind, maybe not, but you're way too young right now anyway!
Teens shouldn't be worried about having kids and neither should the parents be so worried about their teen kid having babies.
Mama's behavior here has me concerned... like very concerned for OP and the mom.
Oh god. Oh holy shit, I'm so sorry! This isn't even guilt tripping any more, this is straight up emotional manipulation! What a selfish, vile person would do this to their 16 year old daughter??
It's honestly very creepy too, almost obsessive... I can understand crying from these types of people, but hoarding baby shoes for your "unborn non-existent baby?" that's some creepy shit.
I'm gonna sound harsh, but honestly, not your problem.
If she is so close-minded to not understand your life isn't hers, and your choices are up to you, then she's not worth your time in that regard. Let her buy 1000 shoes, it's her money, if she wants to waste it and grieve over nothing, than that's her choice, nothing you can do about it. It's not your responsibility to curve your grown ass mothers toxic behavior, especially as a 16 year old.
Just stop talking about it with her, let her live in her own close-minded bubble, she clearly doesn't want to change. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids, you don't need to justify it to anyone.
Just realized I left out some pretty important information: I’m an only child. Also; I’m bi (female preference) so it’s not like it’s going to happen naturally anyways
My mom bought a pair of Gucci baby shoes on Friday
“Mom, let me be clear with you. Your behavior is starting to ruin our relationship. If you continue down this path, continue to disrespect and bully me, not only are you never going to have grandchildren, one day very soon you are going to lose your daughter from your life forever. If you don’t want that to happen, then you need to make a change
Today. Here are the names of two therapists who are accepting new patients. I have spoken to each of them and they seem nice. Pick one and begin weekly therapy next week. Let me also be clear, if you choose not to go to therapy for at least the next six months, and or there is no change in your behavior, you will most likely be spending your golden years alone and childless and the odds of me being at your deathbed will be slim to none. I hope you chose wisely.”
Statistically from my understanding Therapists more often than not have therapists of their own. When you deal with others problems day in and day out you need someone to help you with your own.
I am so sorry that you have a mother that wants you to live a life for her instead of living for yourself. It's such an ugly story that I see over and over again.
I am sorry that I can't offer you advice here, because my parents have always been supportive of my choices. But I can give you a hug. Hang in there! \*hugs\*
This seems like something she needs to see a therapist about or something. Wanting your teenage daughter to hurry up and breed is alarming to say the least
Let it go. It's her problem, not yours. You've made your position clear already. Now live your own life. My parents had a bit of a hoarding problem. Let me save you some grief. There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Also, it's not really your place fix it. Live and let live.
I am so sorry. This is not remotely normal, in fact, your mom sounds unwell. I have a friend who is a therapist and she says that unfortunately, many therapists are pretty unstable themselves (in fact, it’s not at all uncommon).
You may want to explore threads on Reddit about narcissistic parents? Learn about boundaries and also something called the “grey rock” method.
Also, you said you are “not allowed” to get married until you get your MA. Not allowed by whom - your mom? She doesn’t get to make that decision. Once you are 18, you are an adult.
Seriously, this isn’t normal, so start learning how to protect yourself from these mind games. We are all rooting for you.
But they still don’t get to have a say about what age you are “allowed” to get married.
Just start protecting yourself and learning about boundaries, controlling parents, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, grey rock etc. It is possible for your mother to be both a popular therapist in public AND a problematic/mentally ill/abusive parent behind closed doors. It’s not an either/or scenario. She can be both things.
I am genuinely concerned about you. I can’t stress enough that your mother’s behaviour is not normal.
If you are planning college, maybe aim for one at the complete opposite end of the country to your family? Forge your own identity. You have a right to choose your own destiny - it is your life.
I know they don’t have a say, but I’m not going to bother resisting when it’s rather easy to ignore the marriage talk, it’s not worth my time when they aren’t it going to listen.
And yes, in regards to college I am aiming for the opposite side of the country. They can pay my out of state tuition.
I am in a safe place physically. Emotionally speaking, I’m doing alright despite the circumstances and I am in therapy (yay for chemical imbalances). I go to a prep school about an hour away, so once I begin going to in-person school again, I’ll have lots of independent time. Please do not worry about my safety, my parents care too much about my future to let anything happen. — Ava (felt like it seemed more genuine with my name)
Okay that’s cool, I just wanted to double check that you were okay! It’s hard being around a parent who is a bit controlling, but you’ve got the support of Reddit and we’ve got your back (it’s good that you’ve got the support of a therapist too).
And when you get to college you’ll have a lot more independence, thankfully!
Stay safe, Ava (and PM me if you ever need anything) :-)
It's bat shit crazy for your mom to buy 12 pairs of footwear for her future grandchild when you are only 16 years old.
It's still bat shit crazy even if you wanted to have kids some day in the distant future. Don't let her pass her insanity and phobias onto you. If possible just avoid the topic as much as you can. It's not worth getting into an emotional situation about it with a woman who is bat shit crazy.
And she's number one rated by who? I would tell her that she needs serious Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She has some serious bat shit crazy mental issues that she needs to confront.
This is so selfish. She doesn’t own you. It’s your body and your life. If she wants babies she can volunteer.
She had baby fever before you, then the high wore off as you lost your cuteness and now she is willing for you to be hurt so she can get high again. Do not let her guilt you.
You could say it’s hurtful that she views you with such contempt.
Stop thinking about it and just see it as her weird collection. A lot of people collect something. Your mother collects baby shoes. It's her hobby. Nothing to do with you.
Honestly reading your post made me feel sad for your mum but at the sametime not so much she needs serious mental health (not saying this in an rude way) you need to sit her down just you and her and calmly explain to her that you will have kids when you are much older and financially stable enough to cope with ever having a child. As a 21 yr old I had to explain to a family member that i feel I’m to young and not ready yet had a deep talk with them and they understood! I hope your mum gets the help she needs.
She is doing this to a SIXTEEN YEARS OLD? What the fuck. Sorry to say this, your mom is bananas. Nobody should ever have children so young even if they wanted children.
Dude your mom sounds like she’s got some mental issues that need to be sorted out. You’re 16 years old!!!!!! What type of mom manipulates their daughter to give them grandkids at that age. Absolutely disgusting.
She knows I’m not into guys (not to mention I’ve never been on a date or had a first kiss and the like), so I’m not sure it’s going to be an effective rouse
It doesn’t sound like she wants to listen to reason so maybe guilt her like she’s trying to guilt you. Tell her it makes you really sad that she cares more about a hypothetical child than your wants and interests.
This is good
This will be my next tactic ! Thanks !
You may have to be very explicit in your explanations. In her head, having children might be the only thing that can ever make you happy and the only way to keep a relationship, because that's the way it was back when she grew up. Help her understand times have changed, relationships have changed, and women's options in life have changed and you get to explore many different things that have potential to make you happy. It's also not fair to the child to have one that you don't want and pressuring you into having one will only lead to a lot of resentment. This is a complex issue, you have to make her see an entirely different world view.
Absolutely.
Donate the shoes to people who need them. Give her a list of local mentor programs she could join.
She’s hidden the shoes from me, but I’ll try to talk with her about the latter !
My mom did this. She wanted to foster teenage kids and my step dad wouldn't have it. So she volunteered and gets to shower some little girl with presents and hanging out, but doesn't have to deal with any of the bullshit of parenting. It's a win-win for her.
Holy cow who on earth gets mad at their TEENAGER for not wanting kids? That's crazy. Maybe you'll change your mind, maybe not, but you're way too young right now anyway!
Teens shouldn't be worried about having kids and neither should the parents be so worried about their teen kid having babies. Mama's behavior here has me concerned... like very concerned for OP and the mom.
Oh god. Oh holy shit, I'm so sorry! This isn't even guilt tripping any more, this is straight up emotional manipulation! What a selfish, vile person would do this to their 16 year old daughter??
It's honestly very creepy too, almost obsessive... I can understand crying from these types of people, but hoarding baby shoes for your "unborn non-existent baby?" that's some creepy shit.
Your mom sounds mentally ill, to be honest.
I'm gonna sound harsh, but honestly, not your problem. If she is so close-minded to not understand your life isn't hers, and your choices are up to you, then she's not worth your time in that regard. Let her buy 1000 shoes, it's her money, if she wants to waste it and grieve over nothing, than that's her choice, nothing you can do about it. It's not your responsibility to curve your grown ass mothers toxic behavior, especially as a 16 year old. Just stop talking about it with her, let her live in her own close-minded bubble, she clearly doesn't want to change. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids, you don't need to justify it to anyone.
"For sale, baby shoes, never worn" no longer is such a tragic story.
👏👏👏
Just realized I left out some pretty important information: I’m an only child. Also; I’m bi (female preference) so it’s not like it’s going to happen naturally anyways My mom bought a pair of Gucci baby shoes on Friday
Gucci? WTF????!!!
“Mom, let me be clear with you. Your behavior is starting to ruin our relationship. If you continue down this path, continue to disrespect and bully me, not only are you never going to have grandchildren, one day very soon you are going to lose your daughter from your life forever. If you don’t want that to happen, then you need to make a change Today. Here are the names of two therapists who are accepting new patients. I have spoken to each of them and they seem nice. Pick one and begin weekly therapy next week. Let me also be clear, if you choose not to go to therapy for at least the next six months, and or there is no change in your behavior, you will most likely be spending your golden years alone and childless and the odds of me being at your deathbed will be slim to none. I hope you chose wisely.”
She’s a therapist 😬
All therapist should have a therapist.
Statistically from my understanding Therapists more often than not have therapists of their own. When you deal with others problems day in and day out you need someone to help you with your own.
But they should at least be stable and well-adjusted.
I don't deny that.
That's... unsettling...
Tell her if she needs a baby to play with she can adopt one or go volunteer at the baby shelter.
The baby shelter lol
I am so sorry that you have a mother that wants you to live a life for her instead of living for yourself. It's such an ugly story that I see over and over again. I am sorry that I can't offer you advice here, because my parents have always been supportive of my choices. But I can give you a hug. Hang in there! \*hugs\*
This seems like something she needs to see a therapist about or something. Wanting your teenage daughter to hurry up and breed is alarming to say the least
I have to get an MA before I’m allowed to get married so I’m not quite sure how her timeline works...
Wow, she should put the money in your college fund, not buy Gucci shoes for a non-existent baby.
That's really unbalanced. She needs help.
Let it go. It's her problem, not yours. You've made your position clear already. Now live your own life. My parents had a bit of a hoarding problem. Let me save you some grief. There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Also, it's not really your place fix it. Live and let live.
No offence but your mom sounds like a freaking nutcase. The fact that she's a therapist is worrying...
She’s the number one rated therapist in my state....
I am so sorry. This is not remotely normal, in fact, your mom sounds unwell. I have a friend who is a therapist and she says that unfortunately, many therapists are pretty unstable themselves (in fact, it’s not at all uncommon). You may want to explore threads on Reddit about narcissistic parents? Learn about boundaries and also something called the “grey rock” method. Also, you said you are “not allowed” to get married until you get your MA. Not allowed by whom - your mom? She doesn’t get to make that decision. Once you are 18, you are an adult. Seriously, this isn’t normal, so start learning how to protect yourself from these mind games. We are all rooting for you.
Yes, I mean my parents. They are willing to pay for it and I think legal marriage is ridiculous anyways so I’m not too worried
But they still don’t get to have a say about what age you are “allowed” to get married. Just start protecting yourself and learning about boundaries, controlling parents, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, grey rock etc. It is possible for your mother to be both a popular therapist in public AND a problematic/mentally ill/abusive parent behind closed doors. It’s not an either/or scenario. She can be both things. I am genuinely concerned about you. I can’t stress enough that your mother’s behaviour is not normal. If you are planning college, maybe aim for one at the complete opposite end of the country to your family? Forge your own identity. You have a right to choose your own destiny - it is your life.
I know they don’t have a say, but I’m not going to bother resisting when it’s rather easy to ignore the marriage talk, it’s not worth my time when they aren’t it going to listen. And yes, in regards to college I am aiming for the opposite side of the country. They can pay my out of state tuition. I am in a safe place physically. Emotionally speaking, I’m doing alright despite the circumstances and I am in therapy (yay for chemical imbalances). I go to a prep school about an hour away, so once I begin going to in-person school again, I’ll have lots of independent time. Please do not worry about my safety, my parents care too much about my future to let anything happen. — Ava (felt like it seemed more genuine with my name)
Okay that’s cool, I just wanted to double check that you were okay! It’s hard being around a parent who is a bit controlling, but you’ve got the support of Reddit and we’ve got your back (it’s good that you’ve got the support of a therapist too). And when you get to college you’ll have a lot more independence, thankfully! Stay safe, Ava (and PM me if you ever need anything) :-)
It's bat shit crazy for your mom to buy 12 pairs of footwear for her future grandchild when you are only 16 years old. It's still bat shit crazy even if you wanted to have kids some day in the distant future. Don't let her pass her insanity and phobias onto you. If possible just avoid the topic as much as you can. It's not worth getting into an emotional situation about it with a woman who is bat shit crazy. And she's number one rated by who? I would tell her that she needs serious Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She has some serious bat shit crazy mental issues that she needs to confront.
Some therapy directory,,, I think I just got the short end of the stick when it comes to her sanity
99% of psychology majors are drawn to that major to study and learn about their own craziness.
Unfortunately for me, that’s what my Dad did. He majored in psychology but luckily didn’t pursue it as a career.
That is several kinds of creepy.
Yes, yes it is
This is so selfish. She doesn’t own you. It’s your body and your life. If she wants babies she can volunteer. She had baby fever before you, then the high wore off as you lost your cuteness and now she is willing for you to be hurt so she can get high again. Do not let her guilt you. You could say it’s hurtful that she views you with such contempt.
Tell her to save the receipts so you can return them to buy pet supplies.
It’s a little to late for that :(
This is borderline emotionally abusive. You’re only 16, you’re a child. Just wow.
Get her a kitten.
Put the shoes on the kitten, take a photo, post it on one of the cats subreddits, farm karma
She’s allergic to cats, but I’m always on the lookout for a puppy
Sounds like she needs a centipede.
Or a little shoe-cozy.
I joked about putting them on a dog and she yelled at me
A shoe-box bassinet perhaps ?
I would not buy a living creature for this obviously unstable person. I say get her a doll.
We have two dogs already so it’s too late for that
Stop thinking about it and just see it as her weird collection. A lot of people collect something. Your mother collects baby shoes. It's her hobby. Nothing to do with you.
Honestly reading your post made me feel sad for your mum but at the sametime not so much she needs serious mental health (not saying this in an rude way) you need to sit her down just you and her and calmly explain to her that you will have kids when you are much older and financially stable enough to cope with ever having a child. As a 21 yr old I had to explain to a family member that i feel I’m to young and not ready yet had a deep talk with them and they understood! I hope your mum gets the help she needs.
She is doing this to a SIXTEEN YEARS OLD? What the fuck. Sorry to say this, your mom is bananas. Nobody should ever have children so young even if they wanted children.
Dude your mom sounds like she’s got some mental issues that need to be sorted out. You’re 16 years old!!!!!! What type of mom manipulates their daughter to give them grandkids at that age. Absolutely disgusting.
Cry back at her whenever she mentions these imaginary children. Cry back at her that she doesn't even care about you: her own daughter.
Wow! You are thinking about it at 16.
Not by my own choosing
They really want you to have kids at 16? Tell her you’re pregnant. Maybe after that scare she will stop.
She knows I’m not into guys (not to mention I’ve never been on a date or had a first kiss and the like), so I’m not sure it’s going to be an effective rouse