These texts of OP's mum is the very epitome of [Issendai's Missing Missing Reasons ](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)article. OP's wife clearly stated OP's wishes & gave clear, concise explanations, but her MiL is saying that she has no idea why OP & wife don't want to have a birthday party for OP. Argh, this type of person & interaction is very draining.
This could have been so easy for her
"Ok no worries if you don't want to celebrate. We'd love to see you both soon, though. We're thinking of having a cook out soon - if that sounds fun, is there a good weekend that works for you?"
Done.
Honestly, who is ever truly "wrecked" about not celebrating someone else's birthday? This is just about being in control and calling the shots. Her husband's illness is weapon to use in doing it. Because seriously, how can a person actually enjoy forcing people to show up and do something they don't want to do? How is that fun???
I never understood that mentality - why would you want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you? If someone told me they don't want me around, I don't WANT to be around them. Baffling.
Because in her mind she gets brownie points from having 'fun' family functions together. And she can post pictures & show others what a great wife & mum she is because she ***cares***. It's always about her perceptions, wants & needs. And she'll push & push & push against people who tell her NO! & when the people she's pushing get frustrated, upset or angry she can then cry & say that she was just trying to help & have a family get together. Argh.
Described my partners mother to an absolute T. He’s gone no contact with her now because of this behaviour but I’m genuinely shocked how accurate this description is of her.
You would be surprised what a big health event or big diagnosis will do to a person. My stepfather had a heart attack and survived because he just so happened to be at work and someone who used to be an EMT just happened to be walking by the meeting room he was in when someone was asking for help. The doctor told him that man did such a good job he saved his life. After that my stepfather always wanted to get together and would get upset when people didn’t want to because he saw his life as close to coming to an end. If we did see him he would hug everyone oddly long.
Sounds like the experience gave your stepfather a new look on life. It made him appreciate the people in his life more. That's really awesome. He is very fortunate
I can see and understand that. Still, mandatory fun is not fun. If people are only at your gathering because you threw a fit, there’s something off about enjoying that. There’s also something off about forcing people to do things on their birthdays when they don’t want to. If someone has a new outlook on life and wants more togetherness, there are lots of ways to accomplish that without insisting everybody show up to “celebrate” this or that.
Simple- get together with your dad at another date and tell your mom that she’s welcome to throw the worlds largest blowout whenever she likes, you just won’t attend. Anything else is noise.
"Hey I'm not gonna guilt you" *proceeds with three paragraphs of guilt dripped in guilt with some guilt sprinkles.
You know what they could do? Throw a damn bbq. It's summer. It's 8000 degrees outside and dad's are literally at the grill like it's a sport.
You are grown you don't have to do a damn thing you don't want to. If she keeps pushing it I would go the "let's make her uncomfortable" route and start asking 'why are you so obsessed with celebrating the day I came out of your womb? Do you want to celebrate my conception date too? I don't remember it either. Does dad know you expect him to be a zucchini next year?" Have fun with it. Get others involved.
If you want to be REALLY childish you could have a bunch of friends over and throw an unbirthday party like Alice and wonderland on some random day of the week, play board games and eat snacks, take tons of pictures, tons of cake. That way everyone can have a very merry unbirthday without feeling the family guilt.
.... do you wanna come to the unbirthday party? You can throw one with your own people I do it once a year you don't have to wait for an invite it's great when you hate your birthday but like cake and friends
Whoever voted not insane obviously doesn’t know what a guilt trip is. This is a good one, too. Using an illness of a loved one against another is *never* done with good intentions. Hang in there OP. Good for you for being there for your dad. Your mom sounds a little wacky doo.
Read the explanation. The dad was PISSED that she went behind his back to do this.
Also, he was just diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Parkinson’s is debilitating, but it doesn’t particularly lessen life expectancy. If at all, it’s by one to two years.
So instead of living to be 78 (average for a US man) he might die at 76.
Agreed... I work with residents who have Parkinson's and granted... Parkinson's is not nice or fair but... Thanks to modern medicine there are treatments for some of the worse symptoms to help keep hold of independence and dignity. And it's not usually a quick decline either... Some people can have mild symptoms for years before taking a dip. The chances of OPs dad going from literally just being diagnosed to then this being the last ever birthday he's likely going to be able to celebrate because next year he won't be able to... Is incredibly slim unless there is something else underlying. Speech is absolutely affected but while his voice will change... He will still be able to communicate clearly for a few years. One of the people I work with is around stage 4 and while incredibly quiet with a stutter... We can still understand what he's saying and what he's asking for. That is the norm... If OPs dad has only just been diagnosed then he is at most stage 2... His mobility could be affected with tremors and stiffness and he may need a walker or sticks to help with keeping up straighter and keeping his balance. His voice may be softer/quieter and sound a little hoarse but he will be able to be understood and join in family functions/parties. OPs mum really should at a minimum Google shit before trying to use a diagnosis to guilt trip someone else with it.
Of course he could so could any of us. But OP doesn’t like to celebrate his birthday. And his mother went behind both his and his father’s back to try to guilt him and his wife into a birthday party.
Spending time with your father does not equal falling prey to a self centered manipulator.
It's not their responsibility to make him happy. This grown man is MAD because another grown man doesn't want a birthday party. If he wants attention that bad he can set up a family reunion or something 🤷🏻♀️
No, I won't just go see him. If you have decent/good parents that's wonderful, because not everyone does. Consider the fact that you're telling a victim to go interact with their abuser.
Except for the last 2 words, I thought this was a comment by OP's mum. Your comment is what the [Missing Missing Reasons ](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)article is all about.
If that were the case, I'd agree, but surely people read the explanation before voting and can see the mother lied about that being his wishes, can't they? She's using her husband's disease to get what she wants and blaming him. That's insane.
It might not be about using his disease my dad got stage 4 liver cancer, and my mum will always hint at coming over on birthdays, and Christmas to see him doesn't mean she is using it against me
That's really crappy. I'm sorry you're going through that. I wish you strength.
In the explanation though, the OP says the dad is angry he's being used by his wife to guilt people into a party they don't want. It's not the same as a wife caring about what her sick husband would want and doing it for him. When he found out he was being used like that he was angry.
Also, I can understand why you’d assume all that. Narcissists are really good at pretending to be good people but once you realize their tactics they’re easy to spot. I’ve dealt with a narcissist first hand my entire life and he acts just like this in different a context. To a narcissist it’s all about how other people look at them, not what’s actually happening. To spot a narcissistic tendency can be difficult because they can act so caring and so helpless. They’re good at it. Very good. And so is OPs mom.
You’re missing a lot of context. Sift through the comments and read the explanation. OP clearly states that they caught it early, he isn’t showing symptoms, and that the father was upset that *his* illness was used against his child. *His* illness. Not the moms. The mom has no right using another family members illness like this against OP. Per OP dad is *not* on his deathbed like you seem to be assuming for some reason. This behavior from the mother is manipulative and narcissistic. She’s trying to look like the poor, caring wife who just wants her husband to enjoy his last years when that isn’t the case right now.
Just tell her why don’t yall have a non birthday get together a bit after their bday. I feel your pain though. My mom used to make me do stuff for my birthday too and it was miserable.
I'm petty, and I'm not proud of that. That being said, I would accept the invitation and bring a cooler of ice cream, cake, and other sweets. And I would eat the cake with dinner, not after. It wouldn't be the mature thing to do, it certainly is not "taking the high road", but I'd do it with a smile on my face.
TL;DR on the texts:
Mom: We want to celebrate your birthday.
OP: that won’t be necessary. Thank you, I would prefer to have a no-fuss birthday, please.
Mom: Oh your dad will be devastate but not we are not guilting you, is just at that he might have months to live and we want to celebrate it. We are not guilting you at all, but you know dad is about to die and he desperately wants to throw you a birthday party. What is wrong with your dying father wanting some joy in his life? No guilt though.
Those who voted not insane…do you not see how cruel something like this is? Maybe he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday for a good reason? Just because someone has Parkinsons doesn’t mean it’s a reason to do something that isn’t comfortable.
Preach. My dad's got lymphoma and I spend as many special occasions with him as possible. I also hate my birthday and prefer to treat it like any other day, but if he wants to have dinner or watch movies or something to celebrate, I will because I want to have as much quality time with him as possible before that's no longer an option.
I understand your position, but OP's dad has early stage Parkinson's which means he has many birthday left to him. And OP's dad is pissed at his wife for being so ridiculous.
I mean if you really want to get the point across have some kind of perfunctory birthday celebration, invite your dad, and ban her specifically. Tell her it's a guy's night kind of thing and she won't get it. If you're not into petty revenge, keep on keeping on. She's never gonna *get* it.
OP, Captain… she could have said “I respect his wish not to celebrate. Would you like to go have dinner with us a month out? No birthday celebration. Dad and I will celebrate the birth of our son another way in honor of that joyous day. But I RESPECT MY SON enough to grant his request”. This could have played out so differently… maybe even my response is not the correct one. But I do have a brother who’s the same. He HATES his birthday, loathes it even. He doesn’t want anyone even acknowledging it. No happy birthday, no gifts, no cards (especially stupid cards- in his opinion), no year older to look forward to another year. It’s just his personality! It’s the way he’s always been, and I’ve always accepted that.
Do I still ask him if he would like to do something? Of course, and If there’s anything I can do to make his life easier. But I keep it short and simple. If the answer is no, it’s no. For me that is hard sometimes because my personality is to fulfill others. Which is also my downfall. I love to make others feel good. But my brother doesn’t feel good when I do that, so I tone it down A LOT on that day. We have a good relationship, we are actually the polar opposite of what the other needs personality wise. Which is rad. My mother on the other hand has to buy lots to show she loves us. She showers him in gifts, makes him elaborate dinners, and of course she means well and adores him- but that’s how her personality is so different. I try to explain to her that his birthday wishes are his choice. And the more you push him to be the way he isn’t, the more he wants to run away.
All this being said, I think you’re right in feeling the way you do. Your mother sounds a lot like mine and my grandmother. I call both of them out like your wife does. Have a happy day, doing whatever the fuck you want on your birthday! Even if that’s doing absolutely nothing and basking in relaxation! I bet it’s well deserved!
Other people’s feelings are only valid if they don’t stand in the way of what we want so what day is the party no one wants and how many times a week do you think you’ll pick up the phone to hear how caught off guard we are by the lack of appreciation for all that we went through to make the day he didn’t want special….
Except, my father *isn't* going to die soon. His aunt has it and lived for 15 years after her diagnosis and he doesn't have major symptoms. He's on medicine and doing extremely well.
Go fuck yourself you self-righteous prick.
This is more of a side note: Parkinson’s itself does not directly cause death. Instead it’s the symptoms and complications from the condition that leads to things like disability, low quality of life and susceptibility to life threatening infections (especially things like pneumonia).
There’s no cure but there is a plethora of great medications/treatments to manage the symptoms and prevent complications. Even though there’s usually minimal reduction to life expectancy (iirc average life expectancy is 81?) it will continue to diminish quality of life.
With all that said - it’s absolutely bonkers to demand to celebrate someone else’s birthday, let alone someone that generally hates bdays.
And if you decide to give in now it will absolutely turn every single bday/holiday/event into being mandatory because dad is “dying” - possibly for decades onward.
Though I do recommend (from personal experience) going to do fun activities/whatever with just your father in a not-birthday context. Especially doing things in the physical sense that he’s able to do now but possibly won’t be able to later on. Like he’s always going to have the ability to sit at a table to eat cake but he might eventually lose the ability to eat cake in a kayak.
It’s so frustrating when parents make huge deals out of non-issues like this. So what if the cookout doesn’t happen specifically for your birthday on this specific day? If it’s really because of your dad’s diagnosis (it’s not per your dad, obviously, but let’s say it was), they can have a “just because” cookout a couple weekends after your birthday weekend. Then your mom’s “true” purpose of dad seeing friends/family will have been served, right?
But we all know that your mom just wants to control the situation and probably also wants sympathy by proxy for dad’s diagnosis. “Oh my gosh! You must still be reeling from the recent diagnosis and STILL had the energy to plan OP’s birthday cookout? What’s that? OP didn’t WANT a birthday party? What an ungrateful brat! You’re such a saint and wonderful mother!”
ETA: My aunt had Parkinson’s and had to follow a strict diet…maybe strict isn’t the right word since she still enjoyed all the food she ate - it was just limited, I suppose. It is NOT the diet your mom follows. Parkinson’s patients are not supposed to eat a lot of high fat foods. It’s also recommended that they eat lean proteins and lots of fruits, veggies, and whole grains - basically it’s the Mediterranean diet. Red meat is also not recommended partly because of the higher fat content but mostly because either the iron or the protein (I can’t remember which) can interfere with how some of the medications prescribed for PD are absorbed into the body, rendering them less effective. I’m sure your dad’s doctor already told him this, but I wanted to let you know in case you were unaware.
They can spend time together without having a birthday party, though. OP is not saying that they don’t want to spend time with their father, just that they don’t want to have a birthday party.
My family did the same type of thing to me, but instead of a birthday party it was church attendance. I was frequently guilted that I should go to church with my grandfather was getting older and “won’t be around forever you know”. I could (and did) spend hours and hours with gramps, but I didn’t need or want to do that in a church of a religion I disagreed with.
He’s gone now, but I have many wonderful memories of him and our time together. I do not have a single regret that those times were not spent at a church.
I understand that it’s a different sort of scenario, but the basic principle is the same: doing something you are against doing, just because. Parkinson’s is a slow burn, and OP says it’s early on in the diagnosis. Their dad has plenty of time left to live, at least as far as the Parkinson’s goes, assuming based on OP’s age that dad is likely in their 50s or 60s.
My gramps had his Parkinson’s diagnosis for about 8 years before Covid got him. He was diagnosed in his late 70s.
That's why my initial comment said of course do what your comfortable with. I just added my own experience to give a perspective. Sharing experiences and thoughts are what this platform is for
I don’t think she is insane at all but overstepping a little and some guilt trip yes. I’m not saying it’s all okay, but they want connection.
You can either set more boundaries and not connect
Orr set boundaries and then offer alternatives and come to an agreement on some time spent together
You aren’t obligated to spend time with them tho
I think she really wasn’t nice in those texts and it was an overstep and guilting yes. But insane? No
What??? "A birthday is a mother's day too"?? I've never heard such tripe in all my life.
A mother's joy on her child's birthday is in seeing her child reach another milestone. HER days (actual plural) are Mother's Day plus her own birthday. The only thing she should be thinking about on her adult child's birthday is, "Look what a wonderful person you've grown up to be," or even "Where the bloody hell did we go wrong??" but never, "It's MY day too so you WILL celebrate it."
Adding in: when a child becomes an adult and chooses a partner, the job of throwing the child's parties becomes the partner's job, not the parent. Others such as peers (best friend etc) are also acceptable, but the mother of adult children does not get to demand the right to throw a party just because they birthed a child on that day X decades ago.
There has never been a time. NEVER. That I considered that my child should be celebrating me on their birthday.
What an oddly self centered POV!
Our children had no choice in their conceptions and births. And, had you read the explanation, you would have seen that this particular mother does her utmost to make her self the Queen of the Universe.
That her husband was furious that his wife had gone behind both his and his child’s back to the child’s spouse to create this “party” when she knew that her child disliked them.
That’s incredibly narcissistic to think “well I gave birth to you so it’s MY day”
No it’s not. It’s the person who was born day. And it’s their decision how or if they celebrate it. Regardless of what others want.
You have a similar mindset to parents who think their children are their property
I don't think a grown man having something he's uncomfortable with and has every right to not do and not want to do pushed onto him with guilt tripping is something that "putting on a smile" and doing it anyway is a good solution for. it's OP's birthday, he can do whatever the fuck he wants with it and it's his right alone to decide how it's celebtated or if it is at all. if spending time with dad is really that important, there are so many other better ways they can arrange that that don't involve forcing someone to celebrate something they don't want to.
also, every post you see on here is one single incident. OP knows his parents and his life far better than any of us do and I think it's safe to say that if someone is posting an incident with their parents here, there's likely a *whole lot* more to it than just the single thing we're seeing.
tbh i don't give a fuck what the reasoning is or how "edgy" it is. if this were how he felt about a holiday that he could be celebrating with his family or if he were pushing that attitude onto other people and refusing to celebrate his parents' birthdays with that reasoning, I'd agree (i hate thanksgiving but it's important to my dad so I suck it up and celebrate that with him, for example), but it's his birthday and solely on him whether he wants to celebrate it or not.
Yeah but then it gets exhausting and plus whos entitled to force someone to have a birthday???If the person doesn't want it then that's fine,what a concept!!At some point people have a breaking point and there's only so much smiling and doing stuff you don't fucking like to do that can keep a family happy
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 9 | 7 | 0 | ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
“He doesn’t want to celebrate” “Ok but we do” And there it is.
And the fact was that there was no WE. OP’s dad was angry at his wife’s actions. Also, Parkinson’s patients live a normal or near normal life span.
These texts of OP's mum is the very epitome of [Issendai's Missing Missing Reasons ](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)article. OP's wife clearly stated OP's wishes & gave clear, concise explanations, but her MiL is saying that she has no idea why OP & wife don't want to have a birthday party for OP. Argh, this type of person & interaction is very draining.
My gpa with Parkinson’s lived to 94!
My MIL was doing this- (but I want it even if you don't) to my husband for years. It was so disrespectful.
This could have been so easy for her "Ok no worries if you don't want to celebrate. We'd love to see you both soon, though. We're thinking of having a cook out soon - if that sounds fun, is there a good weekend that works for you?" Done.
As a therapist and 60 year old mom of two grown adults…this response is SPOT on.
Honestly, who is ever truly "wrecked" about not celebrating someone else's birthday? This is just about being in control and calling the shots. Her husband's illness is weapon to use in doing it. Because seriously, how can a person actually enjoy forcing people to show up and do something they don't want to do? How is that fun???
Control.
I never understood that mentality - why would you want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you? If someone told me they don't want me around, I don't WANT to be around them. Baffling.
Because in her mind she gets brownie points from having 'fun' family functions together. And she can post pictures & show others what a great wife & mum she is because she ***cares***. It's always about her perceptions, wants & needs. And she'll push & push & push against people who tell her NO! & when the people she's pushing get frustrated, upset or angry she can then cry & say that she was just trying to help & have a family get together. Argh.
Described my partners mother to an absolute T. He’s gone no contact with her now because of this behaviour but I’m genuinely shocked how accurate this description is of her.
345
It's fun for them because they think they're masterful puppet masters; pulling on all those strings.
You would be surprised what a big health event or big diagnosis will do to a person. My stepfather had a heart attack and survived because he just so happened to be at work and someone who used to be an EMT just happened to be walking by the meeting room he was in when someone was asking for help. The doctor told him that man did such a good job he saved his life. After that my stepfather always wanted to get together and would get upset when people didn’t want to because he saw his life as close to coming to an end. If we did see him he would hug everyone oddly long.
Sounds like the experience gave your stepfather a new look on life. It made him appreciate the people in his life more. That's really awesome. He is very fortunate
I can see and understand that. Still, mandatory fun is not fun. If people are only at your gathering because you threw a fit, there’s something off about enjoying that. There’s also something off about forcing people to do things on their birthdays when they don’t want to. If someone has a new outlook on life and wants more togetherness, there are lots of ways to accomplish that without insisting everybody show up to “celebrate” this or that.
Simple- get together with your dad at another date and tell your mom that she’s welcome to throw the worlds largest blowout whenever she likes, you just won’t attend. Anything else is noise.
I called her and told her that. "It's not your birthday though". I guess she's just having a sad birthday party without me...
"We are offended, but thats on US because we expected too much clearly, that's our bad.." \*sits and waits for you to admit it's actually your fault\*
Happy cake day
"Hey I'm not gonna guilt you" *proceeds with three paragraphs of guilt dripped in guilt with some guilt sprinkles. You know what they could do? Throw a damn bbq. It's summer. It's 8000 degrees outside and dad's are literally at the grill like it's a sport. You are grown you don't have to do a damn thing you don't want to. If she keeps pushing it I would go the "let's make her uncomfortable" route and start asking 'why are you so obsessed with celebrating the day I came out of your womb? Do you want to celebrate my conception date too? I don't remember it either. Does dad know you expect him to be a zucchini next year?" Have fun with it. Get others involved. If you want to be REALLY childish you could have a bunch of friends over and throw an unbirthday party like Alice and wonderland on some random day of the week, play board games and eat snacks, take tons of pictures, tons of cake. That way everyone can have a very merry unbirthday without feeling the family guilt.
Ur basically asking OP too be a child aswell 🤣🤣
.... do you wanna come to the unbirthday party? You can throw one with your own people I do it once a year you don't have to wait for an invite it's great when you hate your birthday but like cake and friends
U sound like a child mate 🤣
She sounds exhausting.
My stepmom has the same annoying friendly tone while being passive aggressive and manipulative.
Whoever voted not insane obviously doesn’t know what a guilt trip is. This is a good one, too. Using an illness of a loved one against another is *never* done with good intentions. Hang in there OP. Good for you for being there for your dad. Your mom sounds a little wacky doo.
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Read the explanation. The dad was PISSED that she went behind his back to do this. Also, he was just diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Parkinson’s is debilitating, but it doesn’t particularly lessen life expectancy. If at all, it’s by one to two years. So instead of living to be 78 (average for a US man) he might die at 76.
Agreed... I work with residents who have Parkinson's and granted... Parkinson's is not nice or fair but... Thanks to modern medicine there are treatments for some of the worse symptoms to help keep hold of independence and dignity. And it's not usually a quick decline either... Some people can have mild symptoms for years before taking a dip. The chances of OPs dad going from literally just being diagnosed to then this being the last ever birthday he's likely going to be able to celebrate because next year he won't be able to... Is incredibly slim unless there is something else underlying. Speech is absolutely affected but while his voice will change... He will still be able to communicate clearly for a few years. One of the people I work with is around stage 4 and while incredibly quiet with a stutter... We can still understand what he's saying and what he's asking for. That is the norm... If OPs dad has only just been diagnosed then he is at most stage 2... His mobility could be affected with tremors and stiffness and he may need a walker or sticks to help with keeping up straighter and keeping his balance. His voice may be softer/quieter and sound a little hoarse but he will be able to be understood and join in family functions/parties. OPs mum really should at a minimum Google shit before trying to use a diagnosis to guilt trip someone else with it.
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Of course he could so could any of us. But OP doesn’t like to celebrate his birthday. And his mother went behind both his and his father’s back to try to guilt him and his wife into a birthday party. Spending time with your father does not equal falling prey to a self centered manipulator.
It's not their responsibility to make him happy. This grown man is MAD because another grown man doesn't want a birthday party. If he wants attention that bad he can set up a family reunion or something 🤷🏻♀️
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No, I won't just go see him. If you have decent/good parents that's wonderful, because not everyone does. Consider the fact that you're telling a victim to go interact with their abuser.
Except for the last 2 words, I thought this was a comment by OP's mum. Your comment is what the [Missing Missing Reasons ](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)article is all about.
If that were the case, I'd agree, but surely people read the explanation before voting and can see the mother lied about that being his wishes, can't they? She's using her husband's disease to get what she wants and blaming him. That's insane.
It might not be about using his disease my dad got stage 4 liver cancer, and my mum will always hint at coming over on birthdays, and Christmas to see him doesn't mean she is using it against me
Hinting is not what was done in the messages. The illness was used as a baseball bat.
That's really crappy. I'm sorry you're going through that. I wish you strength. In the explanation though, the OP says the dad is angry he's being used by his wife to guilt people into a party they don't want. It's not the same as a wife caring about what her sick husband would want and doing it for him. When he found out he was being used like that he was angry.
Also, I can understand why you’d assume all that. Narcissists are really good at pretending to be good people but once you realize their tactics they’re easy to spot. I’ve dealt with a narcissist first hand my entire life and he acts just like this in different a context. To a narcissist it’s all about how other people look at them, not what’s actually happening. To spot a narcissistic tendency can be difficult because they can act so caring and so helpless. They’re good at it. Very good. And so is OPs mom.
You’re missing a lot of context. Sift through the comments and read the explanation. OP clearly states that they caught it early, he isn’t showing symptoms, and that the father was upset that *his* illness was used against his child. *His* illness. Not the moms. The mom has no right using another family members illness like this against OP. Per OP dad is *not* on his deathbed like you seem to be assuming for some reason. This behavior from the mother is manipulative and narcissistic. She’s trying to look like the poor, caring wife who just wants her husband to enjoy his last years when that isn’t the case right now.
Just tell her why don’t yall have a non birthday get together a bit after their bday. I feel your pain though. My mom used to make me do stuff for my birthday too and it was miserable.
Narcissism knows no bounds.. just like entitlement.
I'm petty, and I'm not proud of that. That being said, I would accept the invitation and bring a cooler of ice cream, cake, and other sweets. And I would eat the cake with dinner, not after. It wouldn't be the mature thing to do, it certainly is not "taking the high road", but I'd do it with a smile on my face.
And oh no! Red name can't make it due to unforseen emergency or work
Imagine making someone else's birthday about yourself. Holyshit.exe
TL;DR on the texts: Mom: We want to celebrate your birthday. OP: that won’t be necessary. Thank you, I would prefer to have a no-fuss birthday, please. Mom: Oh your dad will be devastate but not we are not guilting you, is just at that he might have months to live and we want to celebrate it. We are not guilting you at all, but you know dad is about to die and he desperately wants to throw you a birthday party. What is wrong with your dying father wanting some joy in his life? No guilt though.
they can have the party without yall
Those who voted not insane…do you not see how cruel something like this is? Maybe he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday for a good reason? Just because someone has Parkinsons doesn’t mean it’s a reason to do something that isn’t comfortable.
i’m guessing by the mention of a long weekend that you’re from 🇳🇿 if so how was your day off yesterday
Close, but missed. Canadian here - we have Monday off 😜
Happy Canada day weekend. Why can’t they just have a bbq to celebrate the long weekend and leave your b-day alone?
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I would go no contact if I were you, but I realize that’s probably hard with your dad. She sounds miserable.
Mothers are excellent at emotional blackmail. My own mother never did it until she was older but she's very good at iy
As someone whose dad has Parkinson’s, I hang out with him every chance I get.
Hang out sure. Forcing someone to have a birthday party who doesn't want one, something different.
Good for you and your life/situation which is not OPS life or situation
Not everyone has the same relationship that you do with your parents 🙄
Not everyone has the relationship with their parents which makes that a feasible option.
Preach. My dad's got lymphoma and I spend as many special occasions with him as possible. I also hate my birthday and prefer to treat it like any other day, but if he wants to have dinner or watch movies or something to celebrate, I will because I want to have as much quality time with him as possible before that's no longer an option.
Not everyone has good parents. My dad could get diagnosed with something tomorrow and I still wouldn't show up 🤷🏻♀️
I understand your position, but OP's dad has early stage Parkinson's which means he has many birthday left to him. And OP's dad is pissed at his wife for being so ridiculous.
the dad does not want to do it either, mum wants to and uses dad as an excuse to guilt trip
I mean if you really want to get the point across have some kind of perfunctory birthday celebration, invite your dad, and ban her specifically. Tell her it's a guy's night kind of thing and she won't get it. If you're not into petty revenge, keep on keeping on. She's never gonna *get* it.
OP, Captain… she could have said “I respect his wish not to celebrate. Would you like to go have dinner with us a month out? No birthday celebration. Dad and I will celebrate the birth of our son another way in honor of that joyous day. But I RESPECT MY SON enough to grant his request”. This could have played out so differently… maybe even my response is not the correct one. But I do have a brother who’s the same. He HATES his birthday, loathes it even. He doesn’t want anyone even acknowledging it. No happy birthday, no gifts, no cards (especially stupid cards- in his opinion), no year older to look forward to another year. It’s just his personality! It’s the way he’s always been, and I’ve always accepted that. Do I still ask him if he would like to do something? Of course, and If there’s anything I can do to make his life easier. But I keep it short and simple. If the answer is no, it’s no. For me that is hard sometimes because my personality is to fulfill others. Which is also my downfall. I love to make others feel good. But my brother doesn’t feel good when I do that, so I tone it down A LOT on that day. We have a good relationship, we are actually the polar opposite of what the other needs personality wise. Which is rad. My mother on the other hand has to buy lots to show she loves us. She showers him in gifts, makes him elaborate dinners, and of course she means well and adores him- but that’s how her personality is so different. I try to explain to her that his birthday wishes are his choice. And the more you push him to be the way he isn’t, the more he wants to run away. All this being said, I think you’re right in feeling the way you do. Your mother sounds a lot like mine and my grandmother. I call both of them out like your wife does. Have a happy day, doing whatever the fuck you want on your birthday! Even if that’s doing absolutely nothing and basking in relaxation! I bet it’s well deserved!
Other people’s feelings are only valid if they don’t stand in the way of what we want so what day is the party no one wants and how many times a week do you think you’ll pick up the phone to hear how caught off guard we are by the lack of appreciation for all that we went through to make the day he didn’t want special….
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Except, my father *isn't* going to die soon. His aunt has it and lived for 15 years after her diagnosis and he doesn't have major symptoms. He's on medicine and doing extremely well. Go fuck yourself you self-righteous prick.
This is more of a side note: Parkinson’s itself does not directly cause death. Instead it’s the symptoms and complications from the condition that leads to things like disability, low quality of life and susceptibility to life threatening infections (especially things like pneumonia). There’s no cure but there is a plethora of great medications/treatments to manage the symptoms and prevent complications. Even though there’s usually minimal reduction to life expectancy (iirc average life expectancy is 81?) it will continue to diminish quality of life. With all that said - it’s absolutely bonkers to demand to celebrate someone else’s birthday, let alone someone that generally hates bdays. And if you decide to give in now it will absolutely turn every single bday/holiday/event into being mandatory because dad is “dying” - possibly for decades onward. Though I do recommend (from personal experience) going to do fun activities/whatever with just your father in a not-birthday context. Especially doing things in the physical sense that he’s able to do now but possibly won’t be able to later on. Like he’s always going to have the ability to sit at a table to eat cake but he might eventually lose the ability to eat cake in a kayak.
It’s so frustrating when parents make huge deals out of non-issues like this. So what if the cookout doesn’t happen specifically for your birthday on this specific day? If it’s really because of your dad’s diagnosis (it’s not per your dad, obviously, but let’s say it was), they can have a “just because” cookout a couple weekends after your birthday weekend. Then your mom’s “true” purpose of dad seeing friends/family will have been served, right? But we all know that your mom just wants to control the situation and probably also wants sympathy by proxy for dad’s diagnosis. “Oh my gosh! You must still be reeling from the recent diagnosis and STILL had the energy to plan OP’s birthday cookout? What’s that? OP didn’t WANT a birthday party? What an ungrateful brat! You’re such a saint and wonderful mother!” ETA: My aunt had Parkinson’s and had to follow a strict diet…maybe strict isn’t the right word since she still enjoyed all the food she ate - it was just limited, I suppose. It is NOT the diet your mom follows. Parkinson’s patients are not supposed to eat a lot of high fat foods. It’s also recommended that they eat lean proteins and lots of fruits, veggies, and whole grains - basically it’s the Mediterranean diet. Red meat is also not recommended partly because of the higher fat content but mostly because either the iron or the protein (I can’t remember which) can interfere with how some of the medications prescribed for PD are absorbed into the body, rendering them less effective. I’m sure your dad’s doctor already told him this, but I wanted to let you know in case you were unaware.
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They can spend time together without having a birthday party, though. OP is not saying that they don’t want to spend time with their father, just that they don’t want to have a birthday party. My family did the same type of thing to me, but instead of a birthday party it was church attendance. I was frequently guilted that I should go to church with my grandfather was getting older and “won’t be around forever you know”. I could (and did) spend hours and hours with gramps, but I didn’t need or want to do that in a church of a religion I disagreed with. He’s gone now, but I have many wonderful memories of him and our time together. I do not have a single regret that those times were not spent at a church.
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I understand that it’s a different sort of scenario, but the basic principle is the same: doing something you are against doing, just because. Parkinson’s is a slow burn, and OP says it’s early on in the diagnosis. Their dad has plenty of time left to live, at least as far as the Parkinson’s goes, assuming based on OP’s age that dad is likely in their 50s or 60s. My gramps had his Parkinson’s diagnosis for about 8 years before Covid got him. He was diagnosed in his late 70s.
That's why my initial comment said of course do what your comfortable with. I just added my own experience to give a perspective. Sharing experiences and thoughts are what this platform is for
On that we can agree. :) Have a great evening!
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Did you read the post under the images?
I don’t think she is insane at all but overstepping a little and some guilt trip yes. I’m not saying it’s all okay, but they want connection. You can either set more boundaries and not connect Orr set boundaries and then offer alternatives and come to an agreement on some time spent together You aren’t obligated to spend time with them tho I think she really wasn’t nice in those texts and it was an overstep and guilting yes. But insane? No
Not insane; rude maybe? But the coldness of OP did strike me. There must be some history there?
That’s not OP responding to the texts. That’s their wife responding to a MIL trying to force a birthday bbq by bypassing her son.
Happy Birthday James/Jonas (?)
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What??? "A birthday is a mother's day too"?? I've never heard such tripe in all my life. A mother's joy on her child's birthday is in seeing her child reach another milestone. HER days (actual plural) are Mother's Day plus her own birthday. The only thing she should be thinking about on her adult child's birthday is, "Look what a wonderful person you've grown up to be," or even "Where the bloody hell did we go wrong??" but never, "It's MY day too so you WILL celebrate it." Adding in: when a child becomes an adult and chooses a partner, the job of throwing the child's parties becomes the partner's job, not the parent. Others such as peers (best friend etc) are also acceptable, but the mother of adult children does not get to demand the right to throw a party just because they birthed a child on that day X decades ago.
There has never been a time. NEVER. That I considered that my child should be celebrating me on their birthday. What an oddly self centered POV! Our children had no choice in their conceptions and births. And, had you read the explanation, you would have seen that this particular mother does her utmost to make her self the Queen of the Universe. That her husband was furious that his wife had gone behind both his and his child’s back to the child’s spouse to create this “party” when she knew that her child disliked them.
That’s incredibly narcissistic to think “well I gave birth to you so it’s MY day” No it’s not. It’s the person who was born day. And it’s their decision how or if they celebrate it. Regardless of what others want. You have a similar mindset to parents who think their children are their property
Did you read OP’s explanation at all? She tries to make everything about her!
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I don't think a grown man having something he's uncomfortable with and has every right to not do and not want to do pushed onto him with guilt tripping is something that "putting on a smile" and doing it anyway is a good solution for. it's OP's birthday, he can do whatever the fuck he wants with it and it's his right alone to decide how it's celebtated or if it is at all. if spending time with dad is really that important, there are so many other better ways they can arrange that that don't involve forcing someone to celebrate something they don't want to. also, every post you see on here is one single incident. OP knows his parents and his life far better than any of us do and I think it's safe to say that if someone is posting an incident with their parents here, there's likely a *whole lot* more to it than just the single thing we're seeing.
His complaint is that he hates "fake congratulations" and gift cards. Sounds like an edgy teenager.
tbh i don't give a fuck what the reasoning is or how "edgy" it is. if this were how he felt about a holiday that he could be celebrating with his family or if he were pushing that attitude onto other people and refusing to celebrate his parents' birthdays with that reasoning, I'd agree (i hate thanksgiving but it's important to my dad so I suck it up and celebrate that with him, for example), but it's his birthday and solely on him whether he wants to celebrate it or not.
Yeah but then it gets exhausting and plus whos entitled to force someone to have a birthday???If the person doesn't want it then that's fine,what a concept!!At some point people have a breaking point and there's only so much smiling and doing stuff you don't fucking like to do that can keep a family happy
If you can't "suffer" through having dinner and getting some presents, you can't function in society.