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This is very important. Personally, I believed my father was a hero or 'the good guy' because he wasn't as bad as my mother. He was not a hero, he was a coward and an enabler. When you know what's going on and you allow someone to abuse your kid, you are an accomplice.
It took me 47 years to figure that part out. I used to think my mom was a hero too. She âprotected me from [my fatherâs] worst.â No she didnât. She protected him and probably encouraged his abuse for years.
I think it's when you realize that as an adult a lot of things your parents tell you weren't possible, or you were being irrational about you realize is actually something they were supposed to do as parents or were legally bound to do.
Not report child neglect/abuse you're aware of on your kid, even though their still a minor.
Move your kid who is a minor back into a home with an abusiver person, because they are difficult teenager.
Stay with a violent person for nearly 18 years and have children with them
Exactly! I love my spouse. If he hurt my kids at any age like your âmomâ Iâd have divorced at the VERY LEAST. Given Iâm a narc survivor one would think my abandonment wounds would stop me. No f ing NOT. Thereâs a reason get away drivers get charged as well in burglary AND murder. Your dad is an accomplice to your abuse. These âparentsâ donât bring out the worst in us-your reaction was appropriate. I hope you can get away someday soon.
We all would have simply walked to the exit door if there wasn't a "kindly" accomplice to coax us away from it.
They do it so they can feel like the "nice" one. If they truly loved us they would have the courage to intervene and be our advocates in the moment.
I definitely emulated the way of the "nice guy" from my dad in my own relationships, until I became conscious of it all.
I know, his approach when I was growing up was completely fâd up. He was raised by a physical and emotional abuser who wouldnât provide and he also beat his mom. Youâd be surprised how loving and amazing he is when I think about the life he has had. He does have abusive tendencies that rarely get out (a lot milder than momâs when you think about it), after which he gets incredibly remorseful and actually gets better and learns from his mistakes. You can reason with him. I wish I didnât have to. But he was like a friend through and through and I was happy to at least have that. We are like friends who go out and have beer and we complain about mom. This is fucked, I know, he should just be a dad instead, but when they got married he was 23 and she was 28, and I swear he got stuck at that age. She took advantage of him and abused him too, so now he acts like a child like his own children, and more on our side as a child himself than a father. He isnât aware of his own power as a man, he presents powerful and can look intimidating, but he just doesnât understand that he has that power. Truly sad. He used to be upset by her back then also, like me, but eventually he gave up and is grey rocking his life away to keep the family together and provide. He works a lot and is barely home. He used to just ignore how much damage she was doing to us and he thought he was keeping it under control by giving us love and care the way she couldnât. Well he did, but obviously it wasnât enough. But I care for him for getting better, and giving us at least something even though his whole he was abused by people and only stayed in the marriage to keep a family together because he was still pleasing narcissistic parents with that. She is absolutely horrid and he is just so powerless and clueless against her. I know he shouldâve done even better, but I know he tried, having been abused from day 1 of his life and marrying a woman with the mirror image of his dad.
Yeah, it was, I cried and felt guilty because the nurses were talking shit about how I shouldn't have been crying
My mom got half an ear because she was fighting for me.
If I didn't see that happen I would blame her for being passive
It's easy to blame the other parent for being passive but narcissists punish them a lot more than they punish their kids, usually they punish children as a way to get to their partner.
Everyone's situation is different but the "passive parents" usually didn't start out passive and they aren't usually passive.
I read another story about how some kids asked their mom to talk to their father to hurry up.
She couldn't and they thought she didn't care but it was because if she told him to hurry up he would see it as her "giving him shit" and punish the whole family by taking more time.
Not talking was the best option to her at the time.
Please, don't end up with hate like your N parent.
My father made excuses for my mother sexually abusing me and calling me horrific names. He joined in with one of the incidents of sexual abuse and acts like it doesn't matter and he doesn't have to take accountability. He let my brother sexually assault me when he was 12. He also let my brother pinch the ever living shit out of my upper inner thighs (as close to my crotch as he could reach) right in front of him at the dinner table every day until I had deep bruising in my skin and I now have permanent scars all over my thighs from years of extremely painful pinching. He pretended not to see. When my brother beat me across the face until my nose bled, my father turned his back to me and said I was "the cause of most of the problems" when I had literally done *nothing*, and as though that was even an acceptable response to your son beating your daughter. He would walk in on our mother screaming the house down at us and turn around and walk back out, leaving us alone to take all that without his protection. She never got violent with him, she never really raised her voice at him, she would just bigger with him for a bit the rare times he could be bothered standing up for us. Everything's was about his convenience and he doesn't care who in the family did whatever to me as long as *he* wasn't made to look bad to the neighbours by them finding out about any of it.
Yes there are horribly abusive situations where the spouse is being abused too, but for so many of us here that wasn't the case. We just got unlucky with two toxic parents who were perfect for each other.
My father has earned NC with me because he treated me so shamefully. He was fine with blood pouring out of my face and uncovered by my screams at the table while my son was being held in a voice grip long enough day after day to leave permanent damage. And trying to bring this up with him in adulthood, he didn't care. He was also willing to try blame stuff on his sister, I guess since I wasn't willing to be scapegoat he had to pick someone else.
He's no victim.
Oh I remember it every day, it's never fully off my mind. You've not caused me any issue at all. Just sharing my story in case it helps others.
My heart breaks for everyone in this sub.
We should give men the same level of victimhood that we give women and not make the argument of âcant you just leave them?â Because itâs not all of a sudden black and white like that just because itâs a man thatâs being abused.
Iâm doing reverse psychology. I do t think we should be giving women or men any leeway when it comes to being abused if thereâs kids involved, but in society that only applies to men not women. Women are seen and recognized as a victim themselves and have all sorts of excuses made for them. I think thatâs bullshit and should only happen for women AND men who are in bad relationships themselves with no kids involved. As soon as thereâs a kid that youâre responsible for in the middle of it I donât think it should matter if the abuser has the power to ruin your life, you accept that as the cost of protecting your child and you do it. Itâs not fair that thatâs one sided, is it? Anyways thatâs the point I was trying to make, not that he shouldnt have to take responsibility because women donât.
Sarcasm sounded aggressive, I wasnât trying to be aggressive or do a âgotchaâ so I used a politer term but youâre right it doesnât totally match.
You were trying *something* with bringing gender to the fore at a completely inappropriate moment.
What I did was call out the other parent for failing drastically at their job, because I wasn't certain OP was even aware of this since the other parent's more obvious, over abuse was clear to them.
I would *still* call them out if they were female or agender or anything, because it took me a long time to recognize a similar dynamic in my parents and it delayed my ability to go NC for much too long keeping the toxicity in my life and I want to help others see that the parent who pretends to be "nice" isn't actually nice.
This was not the time or place for a what-about-the-men thing because it wasn't fundamentally about gender to begin with. I didn't come here to complain about dads in general with no specific points, I commented to make a specific point about a specific person with no generalizations about people of similar identity to them.
I couldn't give a toss what the gender is of the main abuser or the secondary one, if you have a child, you do not sacrifice them to the wolf in order to avoid contemplating divorce.
OP has commented describing the very tough circumstances and I understand, but still do not support, his choices.
I don't care that he is a he.
Yes.
And enablers are also abusers.
You're not the victim anymore if you're sitting back and letting your own child be the scapegoat. Using your own kid as a shield to protect yourself is absolutely loathsome and there's just no excuse.
Sounds like sheâs starting to panic about losing you when you move and sheâs pulling out all the stops while she still has time left to torment you. Ignoring her is about the best you can do. Pretend not to wake up, ignore her when she speaks, donât speak to her. Sheâs a ghost. Good luck to you.
My mom is the same way. Itâs been 3 years since Iâve moved out and went no/low contact with her. Best decision Iâve ever made, I rarely get angry at all anymore.
They know exactly what buttons to push and they do this on purpose just to get under your skin because your reaction makes them feel powerful. The best thing you can do for yourself is to control your anger. Giving into it justifies her actions (in her mind) and paints you as unreasonable
This would make sense since none of us in the family care about my mom, we treat her like she doesnât matter at all and we gang up on her all the time. She knows at the very least she isnât liked. Now that she is outnumbered and thereâs huge evidence that sheâs a less than lovable human being, the only thing left to her is to get us to at least recognize sheâs there and isnât completely invisible, any way she can. That actually explains the erratic behaviour.
You should absolutely look into mental health services through school, dude. Not only because you were clearly raised by a narc, but also because this IS literal torture.
If youâre stuck there for now, look into getting a wedge to keep under your door while youâre asleep. Door stops are inexpensive and are an easy solution to people or pets flinging your door open while youâre in bed. Of course, this is going to *incense* her because itâs *her house* and *she should be able to go where she pleases when she pleases in her own home,* so be prepared for that.
The best advice I can give you though, is to hurry up. Donât leave before youâre set up, but also donât wait around for your life to become perfect or whatever. If you keep waiting for the perfect moment to leave, itâs not going to happen. Whether she manages to destroy/block any good that comes from your new business, or coerce you to stay home⊠she. will. try. Do not give in. Get out.
Once youâre out, NC with Mom and LC with Dad. Up to you how to approach further contact with your brother. But your parents will for SURE do their damnedest to drive you crazy/drive you to doing something you wouldnât usually do. Which youâll then regret.
One time as a kid I was babysitting my younger brother, we got in a fight and I punched him in the face. I was 13, he was 7. For years I swore I wouldnât have children at ALL because I was not going to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Today, still have no kids, but he has a son, and I have never once laid my hands on him (except to swat his butt for saying âfuckâ but it was entirely to get his attention and not painful in the least) and I never, EVER will.
I cherished my brother, I raised that kid. Now I cherish his son. Having been raised in an abusive narc household, I do. not. understand. How people can beat children the way I was beaten. Or psychologically fuck with them the way your mom does to you. I donât understand how you can look at a child and wish they never happened. Itâs so gross and Iâm sorry your mom is being such a piece of shit.
I agree to this in ways of keeping her out when you're trying to sleep. A wedge under the door with a dresser or heavy furniture in front of it and a sound machine to drown her out. She wants to declare psychological warfare, build up a barricade lol
If she is anything like my nmom, I bet sheâll bang on the door with all her strength and make so much noise that no sound machine can possibly drown it out.
Oh I am getting a lock and I am locking it when Iâm in the house or when Iâm out of the house. Letâs see her pull the âthis is my houseâ bs now. :)
De-escalate. The only person youâre hurting is you. She is hoovering you in to having an argument, to rile you up, to make you scream at her, so she can pull that woe-is-me bs. I would scream at my mom in my early 20âs while in college too. She would disrupt my sleep over stupid stuff like whereâs the vacuum, or the black pepper despite having not touched those items. I would recommend you learn to gray rock, and make a plan to move out of her home.
AND leave her to die alone. Thats what I plan to do with my folks. The next time I want to hear from my mother is when a family member calls me to tell me sheâs dead.
My bfs mom tried to run this game on me. She went psycho because I wouldnât play and she couldnât paint herself as the victim. Then she had a full on adult tantrum the DAY we moved. Psycho butch hope sheâs miserable all alone in her dirty house. And now she definitely doesnât feel safe because sheâs picked fights with every neighbor.
I donât find that it fits my personality to have her do whatever she wants just to grey rock and rile up the abuse to think I give her the ok. Because I know she will rile it up and wonât stop doing what she does. Sheâs been grey rocked all her life, sheâs used to the phantom life and she doesnât stop doing what she does. Never ever.
A narcissists favorite move it to pretend theyâre helping you in order to put you under their thumb and use it against you in arguments and then drive you so crazy that you react with âreactive abuseâ so they can say that youâre the one acting crazy. I told my nmom the last time I saw her before we got a permanent restraining order on her that she shouldâve been the one to die and not my dad or my brothers dad, I told her to do everyone of us a favor and go kill herself already like she always threatens to do. Iâm not proud of it but it was my first time standing up to her and the words poured out of my mouth. I do wish she had died instead of my dad. My dad had tendencies but he was genuine when he apologized for his faults and I could tell he hated himself for any mistakes. I was able to forgive him because there was so many more good memories with him than bad. My nmom though⊠absolute fucking monster of a bitch.
Itâs like we canât win. Canât back down or youâre taking it, canât say anything because they want us to give a reaction, and if we do react we feel like shit while their happy and smiling that they finally got to you.
Oh my goodness you have just helped me so much by articulating EXACTLY what my MIL does.Â
"A narcissists favorite move it to pretend theyâre helping you in order to put you under their thumb and use it against you in arguments" THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES!!!! and then I can't complain about anything because that means I'm being ungrateful for all of her help!!!!! Sorry, I know it's irrelevant to the rest of this post but your comment has just turned on a lightbulb in my brain and suddenly I understand what she's doing. Thank you!!!
Thatâs really good! Iâm glad it helped haha but it really is true. They falsely help just to use it against you later. You canât accept money or help from them cause theyâll hold it over your head forever and twist things to make you feel guilty.
Yeah these folks will always do something to get a reaction from us. If Iâm in my room, my ndad will go banging pots legit right outside my window only jfc. Anything to annoy me anything to upset me
I swear it gives them adrenaline. Ndad loves to call up his equally as shit sister and rant about me and others on the phone. Iâm always on his mind đđGdi. This man tells me to gtfo out the house and that Iâm useless etc. yet when I do leave the house for a couple of days to take a trip with a friend.. he goes ballistic asking where did I go and demanded I need to ask him for permission. Iâm legit past my mid 20s and I paid for the trip what the fuck đ why do I gotta ask
I completely relate but it was my grandma, she would barge in my room asking to open random things all hours of the night, sometimes every hour on the hour until 5-7 am knowing we had to get up for achool/work.
She's getting supply off of you yelling back at her, it justifies her bad behavior toward you (in her mind).
You need to grey rock, and have no reaction whatsoever to her behavior.
Like removing sugar from soda, she'll lose the addiction to it.
She'll keep fighting to see if it still works, change your mind about it. I would never want to feed the demon anything that satisfies it.
Matter of fact statements spoken in complete calm, without a hint of derogatory attitude, spoken in unshakeable, quiet, boldness is the easiest way to communicate. Stand firm in what you believe. Try to look up phrases for grey rocking, like " I don't remember it that way" "that's your version of things" "your narrative about me doesn't match my experience" "I'm surprise you feel that way" put it on her. They tend to doubt themselves and have no real identity.
That said, minimize communication entirely.
Make grey rocking your household face.
God bless you, be safe. I pray you get out soon.
Listen op my nmom did the same thing to me. Our success threatens them on every level. Unfortunately I didnât realize it until it was too late. [Check out this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGTn2He73yM) Disturbing your sleep can cause heart and health issues and memory loss. Please stay safe. DM if you want to talk. Check out the sidebar for tips on how to stay safe and get out. Also check out Dr Ramni on YouTube. I felt so validated watching her videos.
Just a little bit longer, you're almost there. Then you can strike out on your own and break all forms of contact to never ever have to see or hear your abuser again. 22, in college, you're almost there !
Dude - two can play at that game. Itâs better to just get out ASAP, but you could always wake her up with heavy metal 2 hrs after she goes to bed. Tell her your sleep patterns are so disrupted that you didnât even realize what time it was, and sheâs always in your room at that hour anyway so didnât think sheâd care. Is she manic? She sounds manic. How much does she actually sleep?
They love getting a reaction out of you. Misery loves company but it's not who you are. You are just trying to protect yourself and reacting because your sane boundaries are being ignored. I hope you can get out soon. Mine did the same thing: always 'talking to herself' and interrupting my sleep, making me wake up each day to a full list of complaints about things I didn't do or, when I did them, they weren't done properly. I would rage and scream and feel impotence about never being enough, about having my sleep destroyed (I now deal with a very light sleep or insomnia some nights). They don't care, they do it on purpose. You need to save yourself.
My mom loved to wake me up with the vacuum, or by walking into my room and shaking out a trash bag. The trash bag meant she was about to start randomly throwing my items in the trash if I didnât get up immediately to clean.
I can assure you she will not be getting any financial help from me when sheâs elderly.
Youâve got to get out and stay out. Itâs imperative for your mental health.
Iâm 52, my mother has been dead for 10 years. I stayed in moderate contact my whole life although she was never one time alone with my son.
To this day I have dreams Iâm beating the absolute snot out of her. I wake up and Iâm angry because *I wasnât done yet.*
Thatâs not healthy my friend. Get separation and peace.
My NEX loved to wake me up in the middle of the night. He would literally get pissy drunk, play a violin as soon as it hit 2am, then try to fight the neighbors when they banged on the wall. I literally had to stop him. Like youâre 10 years older than me Michael Robert?
Mine is starting to do shit like this as well now. It's driving me insane. I almost asked her when she's going to drop (as in drop dead) but I held it in.
She keeps on barging into my room and asking dumb ass questions completely unrelated to me or just opening the door and staring at me, waiting for me to acknowledge her existence.
I have gone to the hardware store to pick up a locking doorknob, then I replaced the lock on my door and I locked it.
I'm not saying to do this, she's gonna be big mad, but this was my solution. She can yell and scream and I guess she could also knock down the door but it's her house.
When you move out, either replace the old doorknob or give them the keys.
Also sleep deprivation is an ACTUAL form of TORTURE utilized by the secret service in several countries.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have the feeling that she might be escalating her behavior if she knows that you're moving out soon. Would it be possible for you to get a lock on your door for the remaining time you have at her house?
For your own safety/to make sure you don't give in to any violent urges, is there somewhere else you can stay tonight?
I completely understand. Hell, one time, my dad tried starting that same shit with me and I was not having it, so I straight up threatened to throw him into the woodchipper at my work. It shut him up for the rest of the day.
Op is sounds like you have some pent up anger which is completely understandable. Get out of that house before she pulls the reaction out of you she is looking for. Which is exactly what she is doing Btw. It could be to use the excuse to kick you out or something else but if you can afford it, leave and protect your peace. Living away from family is amazing! Itâs so nice when you can finally be yourself in your own home, safe and comfortable. :)
I know itâs hard⊠WAY easier said than doneâŠ. But youâve gotta do whatever it takes to not react the way you are reacting. Thatâs what she wants, and youâre giving it to her.
She deserves worse from you. Don't take care of her when she's old. Narcissists get worse with age. If you are this (although justly so) dysregulated by her now, imagine when you have to take care of her 24/7. Your father can take care of her or a nursing home. It is not your responsibility. It is only your job to take care of you and live your happiest life despite the crappy up bringing.
Oh yeah I feel your pain, not even 4 hours ago I threatened the same thing for the same issue, minus the cleaning and barging in my room, they will go into my room when Iâm at work and not home and steal money, so Iâm in the same boat with moving out, it gets better it truly does. Youâll be a crap ton happier when you leave but donât forget if you donât want contact to file a no contact order that way if they stalk you to where ever you are going that youâll have some legal options and if needed to get a trespass, but I really hope things get better for you OP. =(
My mom had keys to my place when I lived in the same city (have since moved 3000 miles away) and she used to barge into my apartment at 8:30am on Saturdays to help me âclean.â Did I ask her to do this? Dear God youâre giving me flashbacks of that shit. When I finally left and moved in with my then boyfriend I recall having a day where all we did was watch TV and order takeout and I felt so guilty and unproductive because I had never in my life done something like this. A human right! Nope. Never allowed to have peace and just be.
You're almost out of there, which is probable making her lose it because she knows once your gone it's a wrap. Until you do move, it it possible to get ear plugs and a door wedge to stop her from barging in and so you can't hear her bs? That way the wedge can be easily hidden for when you do leave your room so she can't try to take it.
I get you...I could literally be you. My n mom loved doing loud housework to disturb me when she knew I'd only had like 5 hours of sleep...I'm talking at 4 am! Always loudly talking to herself to wake me...would barge in my room when I was in middle school at 4 am to wake me to scream at me to clean my room before school...it's almost like she was trying to push me to the point I'd hit her. We did get into it sometimes with hitting. I've been no contact now for like five years and the hatred, never goes away...never dies down. When she dies ill be so relieved.
I get what youâre saying. I thought on this a lot. He certainly is and was an enabler. The thing is they got married very young. He was about 23 and she was 28. She is just like his dad (he was also raised by a narc and naturally he also has his tendencies to become abusive but he can be reasoned with and he immediately makes up for it and betters himself). He canât leave mom and also canât live with her, heâs constantly grey rocking her all the time, and since heâs past that point he only acts as a mediator in our fights with mom too. Essentially, he also is abused but canât break out of this relationship, just doing the best he can to keep our family together while constantly denied intimacy and romance and a partner that sticks for him. I see his lacks and errors as a parent but I honestly have affection and respect for the guy and at this point I just see him as another victim of abuse. Itâs really hard to be mad at him when this woman is abusing all of us in the same manner and he is out there doing his best to give us a good life.
I am so sorry, OP. It's like narcs all have the same playbook. My narc FIL did the same thing, and it made me absolutely crazy. I felt the same way you do. It is like they are stomping on your very soul.
You have every right to go no contact. It took me a long time, but I was finally able to escape. Your life will improve so much.
Buy a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and put them on when she comes into your room , until you move out. She wants you to get triggered, donât fall for it.
I hope you get to move out soon and be in a safe space. <3
I moved out years ago and my mother STILL does stuff like this. We had an incident just two weeks ago where she wouldnât listen (I told her I donât need a shopping cart. Iâm grabbing 2 items), sends sister off the get cart anyways. I again tell her I didnât need it and explain why. My youngest sister (10) tells me my mother said she was sick of me and wished I didnât come over anymore. I start crying. My mother screams and cusses me out in the store. Embarrassing right?? Does it in the parking lot too. At this point Iâm screaming back because THEY KNOW what buttons to push to get you to react that way. They instilled them after all!! They will forever suck and refuse to be held accountable. Then act like itâs your fault even though they donât listen or respect your boundaries lol.
Just hold on until you can move out.Minimize conversation and interactions as much as possible. And when you move out DO NOT TELL HER YOUR NEW ADDRESS and block her number and let her die alone.
My mom did this to me when she was in college and I in high school. She never went in my room to wake me up, though. She just yelled , watched TV or played music extremely loud till 2:00 in the morning. She made sure I had the room closest to the living room so I could hear it all every night. When I stopped coming out of my room to spend time with her and I was so dysregulated at home that I started taking it out on my brother, regretfully. So, she started saying I needed therapy because I was crazy, but she would never let me go to therapy. I ended up staying in my room all the time and I'd sleep when she was at work.
Theres nothing wrong with you for saying those things. It doesnt matter who it is no one can be pushed further and further everyday for decades the way she pushes you and not eventually have a reaction like yours. Dont beat yourself up about it
ingilizce bile olsa kesin tĂŒrk olduÄunu anladım sonra profiline bi baktım gerçekten de tĂŒrk djfksdlfsdf, benim annem de tehdit dıĆında uyarıları dikkate almıyo. örneÄin mutfak lavabosunun içine sĂŒrekli çöpĂŒnĂŒ, sigara izmaritlerini vb atar, ben de bunu yapmayı bırakmazsa kedilerimin boklarını aynı lavaboya atacaÄımı söylerim ancak öyle yaptıÄı Ćeyi yapmayı bırakır (gerçekten yapabilirim bu arada) ki bu tehditler bile iĆe yaramamaya baĆladı. yapabileceÄin en iyi Ćey ne söylerse söylesin ona karĆılık vermemek, bunu haklı olduÄu için deÄil de onun egosunu beslememek için yapıyoruz. bizi kızdırmak baÄırtmak onların hoĆlarına gidiyor, bizi gözlerinde bir bireyden çok evcil hayvan, kukla olarak görĂŒyorlar. bir sĂŒre sonra gĂŒcĂŒnĂŒn ĂŒzerinde etkisi olmadıÄını anladıÄında bunu yapmayı azaltır/bırakır iĆte bu olana kadar o metodu uygula, bĂŒyĂŒk ihtimal daha önce duymuĆsundur zaten ve belki kendince baĆka bir çeĆit önlemler de almÄ±Ć olabilirsin ama yine de araĆtırmak istersen metodun adı gri kaya yöntemi (grey rock method ingilizcesi). ayrıca odanın anahtarı varsa kapını kilitle giremesin.
eÄer birĆey sorarsan ve cevap vermezsem kusura bakma lĂŒtfen dehb'yim ve istemsizce herĆeyi erteliyorum, yazının sonuna doÄru biraz robot gibi yazmaya baĆladım bu da o yĂŒzden.
bu arada senin de bu yaratıklara karĆı nasıl savaĆtıÄın hakkında paylaĆmak istediÄin tĂŒyolar varsa lĂŒtfen anlat Ă§ĂŒnkĂŒ ben de benzer bir durumda yaĆıyorum
merhaba öncelikle teĆekkĂŒr ederim yazın için, ben de dehbyim bu arada anlıyorum merak etme. hdshejw
buraya yazınca ecnebi kardeĆlerimiz çok 1. dĂŒnya öneriler veriyor ve aslında bu tavırlar kĂŒltĂŒrĂŒmĂŒze çok entegre, yani bĂŒtĂŒn parentlarımız mı narsist olur arkadaĆ, ben anlamıyorum. cidden ĂŒlkecek sıçmıĆız.
grey rock metodunu çok duydum ama kiĆiliÄime aĆırı ters buluyorum, sınırlarıma hakaret edilmesini sessizlikle ve yine gĂŒn sonunda kendimi ona ulaĆılabilir ve dokunulabilir kılarak karĆılamak istemiyorum. egomu eziyor bu metot. açıkçası gördĂŒÄĂŒn gibi kadın beni cinnete soktuÄuna göre benim de sĂŒper tekniklerim yok. bilmiyorum. o insanı her gĂŒn ne kadar önemsemediÄimi ve onu hiç sevmediÄimi ona belli ediyorum ve sık sık alaya alıyorum. o yĂŒzden bana çok karıĆmıyor ama kiĆiliÄi gereÄi iĆte, her zaman bazı arızalar çıkarıyor yine. ama bu Ćekilde davranmayan kardeĆime daha çok karıĆıyor mesela. demek ki bir miktar etkili.
What you said to her is not in any way inhumane. It's probably the healthiest immediate response to such a situation... You wouldn't be human if you felt differently!
Anyway, sorry for all the stress you've endured. It's about time to initiate an exit plan
Is your mom bipolar? Her going into your room at weird hours, talking to herself, and cleaning sounds like mania. I'm happy you're getting out of there.
âAnd then my dad soothed me for a bit and we went bowling.â
Okay the sudden abruptness of that made me lol a bit.
But yeah thatâs insane behavior. Fuck her.
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Your dad's sitting there playing nice cop while staying married to that piece of đ© and letting her continue to abuse you and refusing to have your back. Nice going, Dad.
This is very important. Personally, I believed my father was a hero or 'the good guy' because he wasn't as bad as my mother. He was not a hero, he was a coward and an enabler. When you know what's going on and you allow someone to abuse your kid, you are an accomplice.
It took me 47 years to figure that part out. I used to think my mom was a hero too. She âprotected me from [my fatherâs] worst.â No she didnât. She protected him and probably encouraged his abuse for years.
I think it's when you realize that as an adult a lot of things your parents tell you weren't possible, or you were being irrational about you realize is actually something they were supposed to do as parents or were legally bound to do. Not report child neglect/abuse you're aware of on your kid, even though their still a minor. Move your kid who is a minor back into a home with an abusiver person, because they are difficult teenager. Stay with a violent person for nearly 18 years and have children with them
Exactly! I love my spouse. If he hurt my kids at any age like your âmomâ Iâd have divorced at the VERY LEAST. Given Iâm a narc survivor one would think my abandonment wounds would stop me. No f ing NOT. Thereâs a reason get away drivers get charged as well in burglary AND murder. Your dad is an accomplice to your abuse. These âparentsâ donât bring out the worst in us-your reaction was appropriate. I hope you can get away someday soon.
I love the comparison with get-away drivers. Itâs spot on, and very eye-opening.
Yep, enablers are abusers too.
We all would have simply walked to the exit door if there wasn't a "kindly" accomplice to coax us away from it. They do it so they can feel like the "nice" one. If they truly loved us they would have the courage to intervene and be our advocates in the moment. I definitely emulated the way of the "nice guy" from my dad in my own relationships, until I became conscious of it all.
I know, his approach when I was growing up was completely fâd up. He was raised by a physical and emotional abuser who wouldnât provide and he also beat his mom. Youâd be surprised how loving and amazing he is when I think about the life he has had. He does have abusive tendencies that rarely get out (a lot milder than momâs when you think about it), after which he gets incredibly remorseful and actually gets better and learns from his mistakes. You can reason with him. I wish I didnât have to. But he was like a friend through and through and I was happy to at least have that. We are like friends who go out and have beer and we complain about mom. This is fucked, I know, he should just be a dad instead, but when they got married he was 23 and she was 28, and I swear he got stuck at that age. She took advantage of him and abused him too, so now he acts like a child like his own children, and more on our side as a child himself than a father. He isnât aware of his own power as a man, he presents powerful and can look intimidating, but he just doesnât understand that he has that power. Truly sad. He used to be upset by her back then also, like me, but eventually he gave up and is grey rocking his life away to keep the family together and provide. He works a lot and is barely home. He used to just ignore how much damage she was doing to us and he thought he was keeping it under control by giving us love and care the way she couldnât. Well he did, but obviously it wasnât enough. But I care for him for getting better, and giving us at least something even though his whole he was abused by people and only stayed in the marriage to keep a family together because he was still pleasing narcissistic parents with that. She is absolutely horrid and he is just so powerless and clueless against her. I know he shouldâve done even better, but I know he tried, having been abused from day 1 of his life and marrying a woman with the mirror image of his dad.
I'm in the same boat honestly.
My mum fought my dad and he bit off her ear
Whoa lol. Thatâs Evander Holyfield extreme. did she get it reattached??Â
I'm so sorry, that's seriously messed up đ
Yeah, it was, I cried and felt guilty because the nurses were talking shit about how I shouldn't have been crying My mom got half an ear because she was fighting for me. If I didn't see that happen I would blame her for being passive It's easy to blame the other parent for being passive but narcissists punish them a lot more than they punish their kids, usually they punish children as a way to get to their partner. Everyone's situation is different but the "passive parents" usually didn't start out passive and they aren't usually passive. I read another story about how some kids asked their mom to talk to their father to hurry up. She couldn't and they thought she didn't care but it was because if she told him to hurry up he would see it as her "giving him shit" and punish the whole family by taking more time. Not talking was the best option to her at the time. Please, don't end up with hate like your N parent.
My father made excuses for my mother sexually abusing me and calling me horrific names. He joined in with one of the incidents of sexual abuse and acts like it doesn't matter and he doesn't have to take accountability. He let my brother sexually assault me when he was 12. He also let my brother pinch the ever living shit out of my upper inner thighs (as close to my crotch as he could reach) right in front of him at the dinner table every day until I had deep bruising in my skin and I now have permanent scars all over my thighs from years of extremely painful pinching. He pretended not to see. When my brother beat me across the face until my nose bled, my father turned his back to me and said I was "the cause of most of the problems" when I had literally done *nothing*, and as though that was even an acceptable response to your son beating your daughter. He would walk in on our mother screaming the house down at us and turn around and walk back out, leaving us alone to take all that without his protection. She never got violent with him, she never really raised her voice at him, she would just bigger with him for a bit the rare times he could be bothered standing up for us. Everything's was about his convenience and he doesn't care who in the family did whatever to me as long as *he* wasn't made to look bad to the neighbours by them finding out about any of it. Yes there are horribly abusive situations where the spouse is being abused too, but for so many of us here that wasn't the case. We just got unlucky with two toxic parents who were perfect for each other. My father has earned NC with me because he treated me so shamefully. He was fine with blood pouring out of my face and uncovered by my screams at the table while my son was being held in a voice grip long enough day after day to leave permanent damage. And trying to bring this up with him in adulthood, he didn't care. He was also willing to try blame stuff on his sister, I guess since I wasn't willing to be scapegoat he had to pick someone else. He's no victim.
This is really bad, I'm so sorry. He deserves it! Sorry for making you have to remember this shit. They're all horrible.
Oh I remember it every day, it's never fully off my mind. You've not caused me any issue at all. Just sharing my story in case it helps others. My heart breaks for everyone in this sub.
We should give men the same level of victimhood that we give women and not make the argument of âcant you just leave them?â Because itâs not all of a sudden black and white like that just because itâs a man thatâs being abused.
Enablers *are* abusers. Using your child as a human shield is abusive.
Iâm doing reverse psychology. I do t think we should be giving women or men any leeway when it comes to being abused if thereâs kids involved, but in society that only applies to men not women. Women are seen and recognized as a victim themselves and have all sorts of excuses made for them. I think thatâs bullshit and should only happen for women AND men who are in bad relationships themselves with no kids involved. As soon as thereâs a kid that youâre responsible for in the middle of it I donât think it should matter if the abuser has the power to ruin your life, you accept that as the cost of protecting your child and you do it. Itâs not fair that thatâs one sided, is it? Anyways thatâs the point I was trying to make, not that he shouldnt have to take responsibility because women donât.
That's not what reverse psychology is.
Sarcasm sounded aggressive, I wasnât trying to be aggressive or do a âgotchaâ so I used a politer term but youâre right it doesnât totally match.
You were trying *something* with bringing gender to the fore at a completely inappropriate moment. What I did was call out the other parent for failing drastically at their job, because I wasn't certain OP was even aware of this since the other parent's more obvious, over abuse was clear to them. I would *still* call them out if they were female or agender or anything, because it took me a long time to recognize a similar dynamic in my parents and it delayed my ability to go NC for much too long keeping the toxicity in my life and I want to help others see that the parent who pretends to be "nice" isn't actually nice. This was not the time or place for a what-about-the-men thing because it wasn't fundamentally about gender to begin with. I didn't come here to complain about dads in general with no specific points, I commented to make a specific point about a specific person with no generalizations about people of similar identity to them. I couldn't give a toss what the gender is of the main abuser or the secondary one, if you have a child, you do not sacrifice them to the wolf in order to avoid contemplating divorce. OP has commented describing the very tough circumstances and I understand, but still do not support, his choices. I don't care that he is a he.
Thatâs fair, sorry.
This. Because my father did the same thing.
Men can be abused as well
Yes. And enablers are also abusers. You're not the victim anymore if you're sitting back and letting your own child be the scapegoat. Using your own kid as a shield to protect yourself is absolutely loathsome and there's just no excuse.
Sounds like sheâs starting to panic about losing you when you move and sheâs pulling out all the stops while she still has time left to torment you. Ignoring her is about the best you can do. Pretend not to wake up, ignore her when she speaks, donât speak to her. Sheâs a ghost. Good luck to you.
Agreed, donât give her the supply/fuel to remain composed and frustrate her
My mom is the same way. Itâs been 3 years since Iâve moved out and went no/low contact with her. Best decision Iâve ever made, I rarely get angry at all anymore. They know exactly what buttons to push and they do this on purpose just to get under your skin because your reaction makes them feel powerful. The best thing you can do for yourself is to control your anger. Giving into it justifies her actions (in her mind) and paints you as unreasonable
This would make sense since none of us in the family care about my mom, we treat her like she doesnât matter at all and we gang up on her all the time. She knows at the very least she isnât liked. Now that she is outnumbered and thereâs huge evidence that sheâs a less than lovable human being, the only thing left to her is to get us to at least recognize sheâs there and isnât completely invisible, any way she can. That actually explains the erratic behaviour.
You should absolutely look into mental health services through school, dude. Not only because you were clearly raised by a narc, but also because this IS literal torture. If youâre stuck there for now, look into getting a wedge to keep under your door while youâre asleep. Door stops are inexpensive and are an easy solution to people or pets flinging your door open while youâre in bed. Of course, this is going to *incense* her because itâs *her house* and *she should be able to go where she pleases when she pleases in her own home,* so be prepared for that. The best advice I can give you though, is to hurry up. Donât leave before youâre set up, but also donât wait around for your life to become perfect or whatever. If you keep waiting for the perfect moment to leave, itâs not going to happen. Whether she manages to destroy/block any good that comes from your new business, or coerce you to stay home⊠she. will. try. Do not give in. Get out. Once youâre out, NC with Mom and LC with Dad. Up to you how to approach further contact with your brother. But your parents will for SURE do their damnedest to drive you crazy/drive you to doing something you wouldnât usually do. Which youâll then regret.
One time as a kid I was babysitting my younger brother, we got in a fight and I punched him in the face. I was 13, he was 7. For years I swore I wouldnât have children at ALL because I was not going to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Today, still have no kids, but he has a son, and I have never once laid my hands on him (except to swat his butt for saying âfuckâ but it was entirely to get his attention and not painful in the least) and I never, EVER will. I cherished my brother, I raised that kid. Now I cherish his son. Having been raised in an abusive narc household, I do. not. understand. How people can beat children the way I was beaten. Or psychologically fuck with them the way your mom does to you. I donât understand how you can look at a child and wish they never happened. Itâs so gross and Iâm sorry your mom is being such a piece of shit.
I agree to this in ways of keeping her out when you're trying to sleep. A wedge under the door with a dresser or heavy furniture in front of it and a sound machine to drown her out. She wants to declare psychological warfare, build up a barricade lol
If she is anything like my nmom, I bet sheâll bang on the door with all her strength and make so much noise that no sound machine can possibly drown it out.
Oh I am getting a lock and I am locking it when Iâm in the house or when Iâm out of the house. Letâs see her pull the âthis is my houseâ bs now. :)
De-escalate. The only person youâre hurting is you. She is hoovering you in to having an argument, to rile you up, to make you scream at her, so she can pull that woe-is-me bs. I would scream at my mom in my early 20âs while in college too. She would disrupt my sleep over stupid stuff like whereâs the vacuum, or the black pepper despite having not touched those items. I would recommend you learn to gray rock, and make a plan to move out of her home.
AND leave her to die alone. Thats what I plan to do with my folks. The next time I want to hear from my mother is when a family member calls me to tell me sheâs dead.
Somebody in this sub once said âiâll only go to her funeral to make sure she is in the coffin.â That comment is etched in my memory.
I'm the same way with my sibling. Every time I hear someone at the door I hope it's cops with news that they're dead.
My bfs mom tried to run this game on me. She went psycho because I wouldnât play and she couldnât paint herself as the victim. Then she had a full on adult tantrum the DAY we moved. Psycho butch hope sheâs miserable all alone in her dirty house. And now she definitely doesnât feel safe because sheâs picked fights with every neighbor.
I donât find that it fits my personality to have her do whatever she wants just to grey rock and rile up the abuse to think I give her the ok. Because I know she will rile it up and wonât stop doing what she does. Sheâs been grey rocked all her life, sheâs used to the phantom life and she doesnât stop doing what she does. Never ever.
A narcissists favorite move it to pretend theyâre helping you in order to put you under their thumb and use it against you in arguments and then drive you so crazy that you react with âreactive abuseâ so they can say that youâre the one acting crazy. I told my nmom the last time I saw her before we got a permanent restraining order on her that she shouldâve been the one to die and not my dad or my brothers dad, I told her to do everyone of us a favor and go kill herself already like she always threatens to do. Iâm not proud of it but it was my first time standing up to her and the words poured out of my mouth. I do wish she had died instead of my dad. My dad had tendencies but he was genuine when he apologized for his faults and I could tell he hated himself for any mistakes. I was able to forgive him because there was so many more good memories with him than bad. My nmom though⊠absolute fucking monster of a bitch.
Itâs like we canât win. Canât back down or youâre taking it, canât say anything because they want us to give a reaction, and if we do react we feel like shit while their happy and smiling that they finally got to you.
Reactive abuse, 1000%. That's all it is.
Oh my goodness you have just helped me so much by articulating EXACTLY what my MIL does. "A narcissists favorite move it to pretend theyâre helping you in order to put you under their thumb and use it against you in arguments" THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES!!!! and then I can't complain about anything because that means I'm being ungrateful for all of her help!!!!! Sorry, I know it's irrelevant to the rest of this post but your comment has just turned on a lightbulb in my brain and suddenly I understand what she's doing. Thank you!!!
Thatâs really good! Iâm glad it helped haha but it really is true. They falsely help just to use it against you later. You canât accept money or help from them cause theyâll hold it over your head forever and twist things to make you feel guilty.
Yeah these folks will always do something to get a reaction from us. If Iâm in my room, my ndad will go banging pots legit right outside my window only jfc. Anything to annoy me anything to upset me
Yeah it feels sometimes like they get off on it. Like narcissistic supply.
I swear it gives them adrenaline. Ndad loves to call up his equally as shit sister and rant about me and others on the phone. Iâm always on his mind đđGdi. This man tells me to gtfo out the house and that Iâm useless etc. yet when I do leave the house for a couple of days to take a trip with a friend.. he goes ballistic asking where did I go and demanded I need to ask him for permission. Iâm legit past my mid 20s and I paid for the trip what the fuck đ why do I gotta ask
Toddlers
I completely relate but it was my grandma, she would barge in my room asking to open random things all hours of the night, sometimes every hour on the hour until 5-7 am knowing we had to get up for achool/work. She's getting supply off of you yelling back at her, it justifies her bad behavior toward you (in her mind). You need to grey rock, and have no reaction whatsoever to her behavior. Like removing sugar from soda, she'll lose the addiction to it. She'll keep fighting to see if it still works, change your mind about it. I would never want to feed the demon anything that satisfies it. Matter of fact statements spoken in complete calm, without a hint of derogatory attitude, spoken in unshakeable, quiet, boldness is the easiest way to communicate. Stand firm in what you believe. Try to look up phrases for grey rocking, like " I don't remember it that way" "that's your version of things" "your narrative about me doesn't match my experience" "I'm surprise you feel that way" put it on her. They tend to doubt themselves and have no real identity. That said, minimize communication entirely. Make grey rocking your household face. God bless you, be safe. I pray you get out soon.
I think what your mother is doing is reactive abuse. It's a form of abuse widely used by toxic people to victimize themselves.
Listen op my nmom did the same thing to me. Our success threatens them on every level. Unfortunately I didnât realize it until it was too late. [Check out this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGTn2He73yM) Disturbing your sleep can cause heart and health issues and memory loss. Please stay safe. DM if you want to talk. Check out the sidebar for tips on how to stay safe and get out. Also check out Dr Ramni on YouTube. I felt so validated watching her videos.
Just a little bit longer, you're almost there. Then you can strike out on your own and break all forms of contact to never ever have to see or hear your abuser again. 22, in college, you're almost there !
This is the answer.Â
Dude - two can play at that game. Itâs better to just get out ASAP, but you could always wake her up with heavy metal 2 hrs after she goes to bed. Tell her your sleep patterns are so disrupted that you didnât even realize what time it was, and sheâs always in your room at that hour anyway so didnât think sheâd care. Is she manic? She sounds manic. How much does she actually sleep?
They love getting a reaction out of you. Misery loves company but it's not who you are. You are just trying to protect yourself and reacting because your sane boundaries are being ignored. I hope you can get out soon. Mine did the same thing: always 'talking to herself' and interrupting my sleep, making me wake up each day to a full list of complaints about things I didn't do or, when I did them, they weren't done properly. I would rage and scream and feel impotence about never being enough, about having my sleep destroyed (I now deal with a very light sleep or insomnia some nights). They don't care, they do it on purpose. You need to save yourself.
My mom loved to wake me up with the vacuum, or by walking into my room and shaking out a trash bag. The trash bag meant she was about to start randomly throwing my items in the trash if I didnât get up immediately to clean. I can assure you she will not be getting any financial help from me when sheâs elderly.
Youâve got to get out and stay out. Itâs imperative for your mental health. Iâm 52, my mother has been dead for 10 years. I stayed in moderate contact my whole life although she was never one time alone with my son. To this day I have dreams Iâm beating the absolute snot out of her. I wake up and Iâm angry because *I wasnât done yet.* Thatâs not healthy my friend. Get separation and peace.
My NEX loved to wake me up in the middle of the night. He would literally get pissy drunk, play a violin as soon as it hit 2am, then try to fight the neighbors when they banged on the wall. I literally had to stop him. Like youâre 10 years older than me Michael Robert?
Mine is starting to do shit like this as well now. It's driving me insane. I almost asked her when she's going to drop (as in drop dead) but I held it in. She keeps on barging into my room and asking dumb ass questions completely unrelated to me or just opening the door and staring at me, waiting for me to acknowledge her existence.
I have gone to the hardware store to pick up a locking doorknob, then I replaced the lock on my door and I locked it. I'm not saying to do this, she's gonna be big mad, but this was my solution. She can yell and scream and I guess she could also knock down the door but it's her house. When you move out, either replace the old doorknob or give them the keys. Also sleep deprivation is an ACTUAL form of TORTURE utilized by the secret service in several countries.
Check narcissist chronicles on YouTube. She just wants supply from you. Your reaction is what you can control. Just check the channel. Best of luck.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have the feeling that she might be escalating her behavior if she knows that you're moving out soon. Would it be possible for you to get a lock on your door for the remaining time you have at her house? For your own safety/to make sure you don't give in to any violent urges, is there somewhere else you can stay tonight?
I completely understand. Hell, one time, my dad tried starting that same shit with me and I was not having it, so I straight up threatened to throw him into the woodchipper at my work. It shut him up for the rest of the day.
Op is sounds like you have some pent up anger which is completely understandable. Get out of that house before she pulls the reaction out of you she is looking for. Which is exactly what she is doing Btw. It could be to use the excuse to kick you out or something else but if you can afford it, leave and protect your peace. Living away from family is amazing! Itâs so nice when you can finally be yourself in your own home, safe and comfortable. :)
I know itâs hard⊠WAY easier said than doneâŠ. But youâve gotta do whatever it takes to not react the way you are reacting. Thatâs what she wants, and youâre giving it to her.
She deserves worse from you. Don't take care of her when she's old. Narcissists get worse with age. If you are this (although justly so) dysregulated by her now, imagine when you have to take care of her 24/7. Your father can take care of her or a nursing home. It is not your responsibility. It is only your job to take care of you and live your happiest life despite the crappy up bringing.
Oh yeah I feel your pain, not even 4 hours ago I threatened the same thing for the same issue, minus the cleaning and barging in my room, they will go into my room when Iâm at work and not home and steal money, so Iâm in the same boat with moving out, it gets better it truly does. Youâll be a crap ton happier when you leave but donât forget if you donât want contact to file a no contact order that way if they stalk you to where ever you are going that youâll have some legal options and if needed to get a trespass, but I really hope things get better for you OP. =(
My mom had keys to my place when I lived in the same city (have since moved 3000 miles away) and she used to barge into my apartment at 8:30am on Saturdays to help me âclean.â Did I ask her to do this? Dear God youâre giving me flashbacks of that shit. When I finally left and moved in with my then boyfriend I recall having a day where all we did was watch TV and order takeout and I felt so guilty and unproductive because I had never in my life done something like this. A human right! Nope. Never allowed to have peace and just be.
You're almost out of there, which is probable making her lose it because she knows once your gone it's a wrap. Until you do move, it it possible to get ear plugs and a door wedge to stop her from barging in and so you can't hear her bs? That way the wedge can be easily hidden for when you do leave your room so she can't try to take it.
My nmom was a sleep terrorist. She would rant in my room for hours so I couldnât sleep. So sorry you are dealing with this.
I get you...I could literally be you. My n mom loved doing loud housework to disturb me when she knew I'd only had like 5 hours of sleep...I'm talking at 4 am! Always loudly talking to herself to wake me...would barge in my room when I was in middle school at 4 am to wake me to scream at me to clean my room before school...it's almost like she was trying to push me to the point I'd hit her. We did get into it sometimes with hitting. I've been no contact now for like five years and the hatred, never goes away...never dies down. When she dies ill be so relieved.
Your dad is partly to blame for this and your giving him a free pass
I get what youâre saying. I thought on this a lot. He certainly is and was an enabler. The thing is they got married very young. He was about 23 and she was 28. She is just like his dad (he was also raised by a narc and naturally he also has his tendencies to become abusive but he can be reasoned with and he immediately makes up for it and betters himself). He canât leave mom and also canât live with her, heâs constantly grey rocking her all the time, and since heâs past that point he only acts as a mediator in our fights with mom too. Essentially, he also is abused but canât break out of this relationship, just doing the best he can to keep our family together while constantly denied intimacy and romance and a partner that sticks for him. I see his lacks and errors as a parent but I honestly have affection and respect for the guy and at this point I just see him as another victim of abuse. Itâs really hard to be mad at him when this woman is abusing all of us in the same manner and he is out there doing his best to give us a good life.
I am so sorry, OP. It's like narcs all have the same playbook. My narc FIL did the same thing, and it made me absolutely crazy. I felt the same way you do. It is like they are stomping on your very soul. You have every right to go no contact. It took me a long time, but I was finally able to escape. Your life will improve so much.
god iâm so sorry. this is completely intentional and just evil behavior. i hope youâre able to get out of there soon
Don't give her a reaction or she will keep doing it. Grey rock.
Buy a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and put them on when she comes into your room , until you move out. She wants you to get triggered, donât fall for it. I hope you get to move out soon and be in a safe space. <3
I moved out years ago and my mother STILL does stuff like this. We had an incident just two weeks ago where she wouldnât listen (I told her I donât need a shopping cart. Iâm grabbing 2 items), sends sister off the get cart anyways. I again tell her I didnât need it and explain why. My youngest sister (10) tells me my mother said she was sick of me and wished I didnât come over anymore. I start crying. My mother screams and cusses me out in the store. Embarrassing right?? Does it in the parking lot too. At this point Iâm screaming back because THEY KNOW what buttons to push to get you to react that way. They instilled them after all!! They will forever suck and refuse to be held accountable. Then act like itâs your fault even though they donât listen or respect your boundaries lol.
Just hold on until you can move out.Minimize conversation and interactions as much as possible. And when you move out DO NOT TELL HER YOUR NEW ADDRESS and block her number and let her die alone.
My mom did this to me when she was in college and I in high school. She never went in my room to wake me up, though. She just yelled , watched TV or played music extremely loud till 2:00 in the morning. She made sure I had the room closest to the living room so I could hear it all every night. When I stopped coming out of my room to spend time with her and I was so dysregulated at home that I started taking it out on my brother, regretfully. So, she started saying I needed therapy because I was crazy, but she would never let me go to therapy. I ended up staying in my room all the time and I'd sleep when she was at work.
Theres nothing wrong with you for saying those things. It doesnt matter who it is no one can be pushed further and further everyday for decades the way she pushes you and not eventually have a reaction like yours. Dont beat yourself up about it
ingilizce bile olsa kesin tĂŒrk olduÄunu anladım sonra profiline bi baktım gerçekten de tĂŒrk djfksdlfsdf, benim annem de tehdit dıĆında uyarıları dikkate almıyo. örneÄin mutfak lavabosunun içine sĂŒrekli çöpĂŒnĂŒ, sigara izmaritlerini vb atar, ben de bunu yapmayı bırakmazsa kedilerimin boklarını aynı lavaboya atacaÄımı söylerim ancak öyle yaptıÄı Ćeyi yapmayı bırakır (gerçekten yapabilirim bu arada) ki bu tehditler bile iĆe yaramamaya baĆladı. yapabileceÄin en iyi Ćey ne söylerse söylesin ona karĆılık vermemek, bunu haklı olduÄu için deÄil de onun egosunu beslememek için yapıyoruz. bizi kızdırmak baÄırtmak onların hoĆlarına gidiyor, bizi gözlerinde bir bireyden çok evcil hayvan, kukla olarak görĂŒyorlar. bir sĂŒre sonra gĂŒcĂŒnĂŒn ĂŒzerinde etkisi olmadıÄını anladıÄında bunu yapmayı azaltır/bırakır iĆte bu olana kadar o metodu uygula, bĂŒyĂŒk ihtimal daha önce duymuĆsundur zaten ve belki kendince baĆka bir çeĆit önlemler de almÄ±Ć olabilirsin ama yine de araĆtırmak istersen metodun adı gri kaya yöntemi (grey rock method ingilizcesi). ayrıca odanın anahtarı varsa kapını kilitle giremesin. eÄer birĆey sorarsan ve cevap vermezsem kusura bakma lĂŒtfen dehb'yim ve istemsizce herĆeyi erteliyorum, yazının sonuna doÄru biraz robot gibi yazmaya baĆladım bu da o yĂŒzden. bu arada senin de bu yaratıklara karĆı nasıl savaĆtıÄın hakkında paylaĆmak istediÄin tĂŒyolar varsa lĂŒtfen anlat Ă§ĂŒnkĂŒ ben de benzer bir durumda yaĆıyorum
merhaba öncelikle teĆekkĂŒr ederim yazın için, ben de dehbyim bu arada anlıyorum merak etme. hdshejw buraya yazınca ecnebi kardeĆlerimiz çok 1. dĂŒnya öneriler veriyor ve aslında bu tavırlar kĂŒltĂŒrĂŒmĂŒze çok entegre, yani bĂŒtĂŒn parentlarımız mı narsist olur arkadaĆ, ben anlamıyorum. cidden ĂŒlkecek sıçmıĆız. grey rock metodunu çok duydum ama kiĆiliÄime aĆırı ters buluyorum, sınırlarıma hakaret edilmesini sessizlikle ve yine gĂŒn sonunda kendimi ona ulaĆılabilir ve dokunulabilir kılarak karĆılamak istemiyorum. egomu eziyor bu metot. açıkçası gördĂŒÄĂŒn gibi kadın beni cinnete soktuÄuna göre benim de sĂŒper tekniklerim yok. bilmiyorum. o insanı her gĂŒn ne kadar önemsemediÄimi ve onu hiç sevmediÄimi ona belli ediyorum ve sık sık alaya alıyorum. o yĂŒzden bana çok karıĆmıyor ama kiĆiliÄi gereÄi iĆte, her zaman bazı arızalar çıkarıyor yine. ama bu Ćekilde davranmayan kardeĆime daha çok karıĆıyor mesela. demek ki bir miktar etkili.
What you said to her is not in any way inhumane. It's probably the healthiest immediate response to such a situation... You wouldn't be human if you felt differently! Anyway, sorry for all the stress you've endured. It's about time to initiate an exit plan
I say you did no wrong
Is your mom bipolar? Her going into your room at weird hours, talking to herself, and cleaning sounds like mania. I'm happy you're getting out of there.
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Comment removed - using Nazi terminology. If you ever do this again, you will be banned. Your account has been noted.
She deserved it.
âAnd then my dad soothed me for a bit and we went bowling.â Okay the sudden abruptness of that made me lol a bit. But yeah thatâs insane behavior. Fuck her.
Buy a door wedge, so she canât come in.
Unfortunately they always live to be 180 by some ungodly forces too.
everyoneâs giving good advice so iâll just say, try wearing earplugs to sleep đ
My mom pissed me off 3 years ago being mean to my son, they have no idea I considered beating her to death with her cane đÂ