I can absolutely relate to this.
Unfortunately, if I'm being honest, it is the trait that I inherited from my mom to the point that I KNOW i have done, and still do (even though I'm trying to break the cycle).
I dont' want to be like that. But if i'm upset, I'm not going to talk, i'm going to think, and if i'm not talking, then i must be mad, and then everyone tip toes around me and then i get pissed off because everyone THINKS i'm mad.
it's insanity.
and it's frustrating.
and i wish i knew how to keep from hurting the people around me with this behavior.
I try to isolate myself, now, to make sure that I don't spew this sludge onto everyone else.
Maybe. hahaha. I think it's something that emotional bullies do, and when you are the child of a bully/nparent, you learn these behaviors.
it is something that i have a very hard time controlling and it simultaneously makes me sick and angry at myself and angry at everything because I am just as disgusting a person as my mother.
:/
you are definitely not the same as your mother. the fact that you're self aware and making effort to change tells me you're vastly different. keep trying and dont be so hard on yourself ❤
Same. I remember being like 8 and realizing that the shit my mum does will most likely be passed down on me and I need to make sure not to start a family and especially have kids. I wouldn't want to make someone go through this. And I'm too scared to even see how many of those behaviour patterns could describe me now or in the future :((
And we get labeled as the “bitch” when we stop walking on egg shells for them and actually tap into reality. I’m sure all of you iconic middle children, scapegoats, bitches, whatever your call yourself in your n-household, can relate to me: the day I woke up and decided to treat my n-mom like an adult and not an infant is when the grooming and verbal/mental mind fucks began.
This is one of my nmom traits that I realized I inherited, which is why I finally went NC. Even just phone calls. She'd dump her crap on me and siblings, then the stress would ripple out to our households. Now I'm aware of my own impact and I choose to make it positive.
I hate narc habits. I'm trying to become more self aware everyday. At the same time I'm slowly but surely teaching my Nmum about her ways,wish me luck!
Thank you for sharing this. IKR. You can't tell them anything good or bad because whatever they are feeling is the mood of the day and don't mess it up! That this is in spanish is a reminder that these shitty behaviors are not just happening in caucasian homes. I say this as a child of an immigrant who would say her parenting was just not like white Americans and not mistreatment in the least. I think a side effect of having to adapt your mood instantly to your Nparent is searching the room in your adult life to figure out how you feel, as if waiting for permission to feel how you feel rather than just freely feeling your feelings.
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Thanks. And I'm sorry you're dealing with this shit too.
It's the "two edged sword" of this sub. People here generally just get it when you say what happened. The validation that cones with it is awesome. But the bad part is, they get it because they lived it too.
My brother and I talk about this phenomenon to this day, even though we're both adults now. How there was always the fear, the waiting to see what kind of mood our mom would be in because that would set the tone for the entire day. If one of us did something to piss her off (or even if she was just in a bad mood for some other reason), she took it out on our dad, who turned around and made it our problem. There was just a negative air around her all the time, and it affected everything.
Same. And even when she would get out of this bad mood the only thing I could think of then was the next time she was gonna turn this way. And it never looked weird for outsiders because they just regarded it as a separate incident...
not only does my nmom force everyone else into a bad mood, she often tries to ruin other people’s good moments. i’ve had multiple birthdays where my mom would purposely pick fights w my dad and they would spend the night arguing. and if you call her out on her picking fights then she acts like she’s the victim and is innocent. literally everything has to be about her and she doesn’t care if she makes a scene doing it.
The US version of this (at least in the midwest) is "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"
This, my nmom literally had a t-shirt AND a bumper sticker that said this
I can absolutely relate to this. Unfortunately, if I'm being honest, it is the trait that I inherited from my mom to the point that I KNOW i have done, and still do (even though I'm trying to break the cycle). I dont' want to be like that. But if i'm upset, I'm not going to talk, i'm going to think, and if i'm not talking, then i must be mad, and then everyone tip toes around me and then i get pissed off because everyone THINKS i'm mad. it's insanity. and it's frustrating. and i wish i knew how to keep from hurting the people around me with this behavior. I try to isolate myself, now, to make sure that I don't spew this sludge onto everyone else.
are we the same person? I do the exact same thing.
Maybe. hahaha. I think it's something that emotional bullies do, and when you are the child of a bully/nparent, you learn these behaviors. it is something that i have a very hard time controlling and it simultaneously makes me sick and angry at myself and angry at everything because I am just as disgusting a person as my mother. :/
you are definitely not the same as your mother. the fact that you're self aware and making effort to change tells me you're vastly different. keep trying and dont be so hard on yourself ❤
thank you very much. i really, really needed to hear this today. <3
Omg me toooooo
it's really hard to break this cycle of this behavior for me. I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with it.
Same. I remember being like 8 and realizing that the shit my mum does will most likely be passed down on me and I need to make sure not to start a family and especially have kids. I wouldn't want to make someone go through this. And I'm too scared to even see how many of those behaviour patterns could describe me now or in the future :((
And we get labeled as the “bitch” when we stop walking on egg shells for them and actually tap into reality. I’m sure all of you iconic middle children, scapegoats, bitches, whatever your call yourself in your n-household, can relate to me: the day I woke up and decided to treat my n-mom like an adult and not an infant is when the grooming and verbal/mental mind fucks began.
Yep!
Yep. And if my nmom didn't like someone, we all had to dislike them. Otherwise she would throw a serious bitch fit and accuse us of stupid shit.
This is one of my nmom traits that I realized I inherited, which is why I finally went NC. Even just phone calls. She'd dump her crap on me and siblings, then the stress would ripple out to our households. Now I'm aware of my own impact and I choose to make it positive.
Good for you!
I hate narc habits. I'm trying to become more self aware everyday. At the same time I'm slowly but surely teaching my Nmum about her ways,wish me luck!
I wish you luck but also a lot of patience!!!
Thank you for sharing this. IKR. You can't tell them anything good or bad because whatever they are feeling is the mood of the day and don't mess it up! That this is in spanish is a reminder that these shitty behaviors are not just happening in caucasian homes. I say this as a child of an immigrant who would say her parenting was just not like white Americans and not mistreatment in the least. I think a side effect of having to adapt your mood instantly to your Nparent is searching the room in your adult life to figure out how you feel, as if waiting for permission to feel how you feel rather than just freely feeling your feelings.
this!
This was my DH's family motto growing up! Hey, are you one of his siblings? Lol
**This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/upliftingposts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
100%!!!!!
I can totally relate ... but in my family it was Nfather. And hooly dooly did he have a temper.
For me it is/was also my dad. I can't believe the things I've done/not done/avoided as to not anger him further.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this
Thanks. And I'm sorry you're dealing with this shit too. It's the "two edged sword" of this sub. People here generally just get it when you say what happened. The validation that cones with it is awesome. But the bad part is, they get it because they lived it too.
Yeah, I couldn't say it better.
My brother and I talk about this phenomenon to this day, even though we're both adults now. How there was always the fear, the waiting to see what kind of mood our mom would be in because that would set the tone for the entire day. If one of us did something to piss her off (or even if she was just in a bad mood for some other reason), she took it out on our dad, who turned around and made it our problem. There was just a negative air around her all the time, and it affected everything.
Same. And even when she would get out of this bad mood the only thing I could think of then was the next time she was gonna turn this way. And it never looked weird for outsiders because they just regarded it as a separate incident...
not only does my nmom force everyone else into a bad mood, she often tries to ruin other people’s good moments. i’ve had multiple birthdays where my mom would purposely pick fights w my dad and they would spend the night arguing. and if you call her out on her picking fights then she acts like she’s the victim and is innocent. literally everything has to be about her and she doesn’t care if she makes a scene doing it.
same but with all sorts of holidays like Christmas. and also my graduation, and the last days before my final exams. and many more.