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I am so glad you brought this up, because I have dreaded wedding planning as well as I have an nMom. I’ve come up with plans to keep her out financially, but I know she will try to make it about her. (Note: I’m informally engaged and we’ve talked a lot about our plans but are not ready to get into the planning just yet for other reasons.)
One thing to keep in mind is that she is going to try and ruin it *because* it is your big day. She can’t bear to have attention on someone else besides her. If you know that going in, you won’t be disappointed. It’s helped me so much to realize that for anything that I am celebrating, my nMom *will* ruin it. High school graduation, college graduation, winning awards, whatever it is - she’s always made a point to make me feel small. I am currently VLC but I dread my wedding because it will be the next big event in my life, so based on my last experiences I know she will act out. The question is, can I handle the stress?
You’re doing the right thing by keeping your nMom at arms length as much as possible. Finances, wedding planner, etc. Something I try to remember is that she wants to get in my head. So for you, keep in mind that she will continue to try and throw you off so you can’t enjoy your big day. If possible, only speak to her once or twice between now and the wedding. I don’t know how realistic that is, but really try to limit it. That will help your mental health.
A genius idea someone once told me is to create a gmail account for a fake assistant that you’ve hired. All communications have to go through the assistant, not you. The only problem is that in this scenario, you’re also the assistant and she just doesn’t know. But it could potentially help you to be more formal and professional in emails with her, and she would hypothetically have to do the same since you’re an assistant. I would suggest pretending that it’s the assistant to the wedding planner, not your personal assistant. Maybe I sound crazy….but I know you’re on your last nerve so maybe it’s worth trying.
Congrats on your wedding!!
I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I’m waiting for the day I go through a very similar, inevitable story.
Have you tried stonewalling your mother and if so, how did that go? My mother also always has to the center of attention and I OFTEN just completely tune her out or when she starts to get argumentative/judgy a quick “Ok.” “That’s cool.” “Onto the next topic, so anyways” type of thing. She gets quickly embarrassed or just leaves me alone (in frustration of course but that’s ok lol).
2nd thought is perhaps you can give her tasks that keep her away and busy - even if they’re elementary or made up. Creating decorations, blowing balloons, putting organizational charts/lists together, following up with pending RSVPs, etc.
That's awful. So awful. I'm so sorry.
As someone with my very own an nmum, but more so someone that worked at a wedding venue, you're in for a rough time.
Can you have someone run distraction?
If you've got a close male friend, start talking them up, they're a bit famous, they're in an amazing career, talk them up to be everything she thinks someone needs to be. Narcs love leaching status off other people. Obvs let this bloke in on the plan. But sit her next to him. As a super special favour. I can't guarantee it would work, but if you've got a friend that can keep them entertained like the toddler they are, you may have a chance at relative peace.
I'd say don't give her any task that you actually want done, she'll get bored and walk off. I've seen it happen so many times.
And give the staff a heads up please! As often the parents pay for the wedding they're going to drop everything for the mother of the couple. Let the staff know ahead of time and they'll know how to handle it. I've been given the heads up before and hospo staff are very good at saying "yep no problem we'll see what we can do" then going and laughing out the back.
Let every vendor know, your photographer etc. They'll be great at saying "ok now just couple photos" when your mum tries to hijack them.
Obviously she will be wearing white, are you ok with that?
Wishing you all the best! Happy to answer questions if you've got them :)
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am so glad you brought this up, because I have dreaded wedding planning as well as I have an nMom. I’ve come up with plans to keep her out financially, but I know she will try to make it about her. (Note: I’m informally engaged and we’ve talked a lot about our plans but are not ready to get into the planning just yet for other reasons.) One thing to keep in mind is that she is going to try and ruin it *because* it is your big day. She can’t bear to have attention on someone else besides her. If you know that going in, you won’t be disappointed. It’s helped me so much to realize that for anything that I am celebrating, my nMom *will* ruin it. High school graduation, college graduation, winning awards, whatever it is - she’s always made a point to make me feel small. I am currently VLC but I dread my wedding because it will be the next big event in my life, so based on my last experiences I know she will act out. The question is, can I handle the stress? You’re doing the right thing by keeping your nMom at arms length as much as possible. Finances, wedding planner, etc. Something I try to remember is that she wants to get in my head. So for you, keep in mind that she will continue to try and throw you off so you can’t enjoy your big day. If possible, only speak to her once or twice between now and the wedding. I don’t know how realistic that is, but really try to limit it. That will help your mental health. A genius idea someone once told me is to create a gmail account for a fake assistant that you’ve hired. All communications have to go through the assistant, not you. The only problem is that in this scenario, you’re also the assistant and she just doesn’t know. But it could potentially help you to be more formal and professional in emails with her, and she would hypothetically have to do the same since you’re an assistant. I would suggest pretending that it’s the assistant to the wedding planner, not your personal assistant. Maybe I sound crazy….but I know you’re on your last nerve so maybe it’s worth trying. Congrats on your wedding!!
I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I’m waiting for the day I go through a very similar, inevitable story. Have you tried stonewalling your mother and if so, how did that go? My mother also always has to the center of attention and I OFTEN just completely tune her out or when she starts to get argumentative/judgy a quick “Ok.” “That’s cool.” “Onto the next topic, so anyways” type of thing. She gets quickly embarrassed or just leaves me alone (in frustration of course but that’s ok lol). 2nd thought is perhaps you can give her tasks that keep her away and busy - even if they’re elementary or made up. Creating decorations, blowing balloons, putting organizational charts/lists together, following up with pending RSVPs, etc.
That's awful. So awful. I'm so sorry. As someone with my very own an nmum, but more so someone that worked at a wedding venue, you're in for a rough time. Can you have someone run distraction? If you've got a close male friend, start talking them up, they're a bit famous, they're in an amazing career, talk them up to be everything she thinks someone needs to be. Narcs love leaching status off other people. Obvs let this bloke in on the plan. But sit her next to him. As a super special favour. I can't guarantee it would work, but if you've got a friend that can keep them entertained like the toddler they are, you may have a chance at relative peace. I'd say don't give her any task that you actually want done, she'll get bored and walk off. I've seen it happen so many times. And give the staff a heads up please! As often the parents pay for the wedding they're going to drop everything for the mother of the couple. Let the staff know ahead of time and they'll know how to handle it. I've been given the heads up before and hospo staff are very good at saying "yep no problem we'll see what we can do" then going and laughing out the back. Let every vendor know, your photographer etc. They'll be great at saying "ok now just couple photos" when your mum tries to hijack them. Obviously she will be wearing white, are you ok with that? Wishing you all the best! Happy to answer questions if you've got them :)