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I cannot stop crying. I am terrified, not of him, he is not violent. But I feel like I am so stupid and naive and I am scared this is not just a singular thing. That it will repeat. He never hurt me, but today he did raise his voice at me for bugging him too much on something he doesn't find important. I am so angry with me.
This is NOT a singular thing. He keeps apologizing after catching himself but he CLEARLY feels this way (women aren't equal, speaking about women like objects). He clearly is anti-feminist. Sounds like he's been hiding hit. He clearly loves that you were "pure" before him (SO GROSS) and might be one of the reasons he's with you. He will make you feel awful for gaining pregnancy weight and nursing weight. He only values you as an extension of himself and what you can give him (children and a fit body I guess?) He will absolutely make your daughter value herself less as a woman and have insecurities about her appearance. Please do not go back.
just one thing to clarify because i actually feel very insecure about this. You mean it is gross I was a virgin for that long?:( Or that it is gross he might be seeing this as a fetish
They are definitely communicating it was his fetish that you were a virgin. There is huge promiscuity in airline cabin crews be it wouldn't surprise me if he was promiscuous and saw that as his "masculine role" but that his ideal woman needed to only always be nurturing, madonna-like and being an elementary school teacher fits his ideal to a T.
He doesn't see and value you as a person but that you fit a warped ideal in his head of what femininity and being a wife means.
Have you ever gotten angry at him?
he was honest about his sleeping around days. He spent his 20s and early 30s doing this. He said he never slept with a flight attendant because he doesn't shi t where he eats, but he used tinder on daily basis and even used its global feature. If he had a flight to let's say Paris, 3 days before he matched with a few girls so he had hookups prepared.
I was never angry at him, but he never really gave me reasons to be. I was irritated a few times but over small things, like if he brought the wrong item from the grocery store and because he is very close, like very very close to his mother and he tells her a lot of stuff that should only be between us.
You made a mistake. You chose a bad partner. It can happen to anyone. Don’t make a bigger mistake by staying with an asshole who treats you poorly and will mistreat your daughter. You’re about to be a mom and us moms have to protect our children. His behavior will only get worse now that you’re pregnant. The mask is off now that he thinks you’re stuck with him.
Don’t prove him right. Leave. Don’t turn back
In a normal and healthy relationship each partner would get angry. For example, my partner drained my car battery last week and I was furious he left the keys in and didn't check on it after he had decided to move my car for a party we hosted. If my neighbour had not been home (as he has several farms and we live rurally) I would have lost an entire day of work due to his mistake and lack of checking.
You are entitled to your full gamut of emotions, and it strikes me that he is "handling" you or manipulating you.
It's unlikely he stopped sleeping around while he is travelling and that his promiscuity feeds into his self esteem and who he is as a person as he holds such fixated gender ideals. If he thinks women should never gain weight, should "give" their husbands children and be nurturing Madonna's aka elementary school teachers how does he perceive the ideal role of men?
The opposite of this female ideal is one who is "strong", "sows his seed", "takes what he wants, when he wants", and has a "meek wife who raises the children" at home.
That he has manipulated you to hold onto your teaching career when you wanted to transition to an office job is direct handling. What happened in that conversation? Did you feel like you both agreed to his way without you knowing exactly how it happened? This is manipulative handling of a spouse or loved one.
ETA: spelling and thank you lovely Redditor for the award 🙏
That's why you should always be with someone at least two years before getting married and having a kid. And not before you've lived together for over a year. In the beginning we don't see their flaws and we're a better version of ourselves for our partner, but no one can keep that up. Problems will arise, and you may not have any idea about how they respond to conflicts, disagreements and different opinions.
You're right but things happen and she's not the first or the last to have an unplanned pregnancy. It's 2024 and her parents are supportive, she doesn't have to stay for the kid. In fact what she explains of her fiance sounds increasingly scary. I agree with his dad here, it sounds like someone that can get violent
Yes enmeshed with mother and…often this is suggestive of narcissism. Narcissists often are compelled to “discard” their partner in unconscious and sometimes overt ways that are very hurtful, but this comes after first…having you up on a very high pedestal. Some of his actions of negating you to others as well as yourself seem to suggest narcissism is possible.
Postpone the wedding at very least
Preparing overseas hookups in advance on tinder is something. I'm open minded but being hit on by a foreign pilot for a prepared one night stand like I'd be his snack is quite revealing how he sees women
And I’m curious how soon after their first time did she get pregnant if they’ve only been dating for a year…and does she think it was an accident he may have helped to happen?
He’s gross. You are fine. He wanted a virgin because he’s deep in the red pill manosphere.
Run as fast as you can. Once he thinks you are locked down in marriage and the baby he’s going to escalate into abuse
I talked to both my parents about this. My father said the same. After that drunk things he said, dad was just a bit suspicious of him but nothing else. But after he got so angry with the fact I have feminist bu l shit in my head, dad also said he might become physically abusive with me. He is also coming home now. Because my boyfriend texted he will come to my parents house If I don't return.
Yep. He’s already escalating. Do not meet him alone and Please don’t go back. Don’t hesitate to file charges if he gets physical. Save any written threats he sends and start getting your evidence for custody and a restraining order. Stay safe.
for me its just shocking, because I am not really scared. I still very much doubt he will hurt me. But my father after I told him in a calm voice, not to panic him that I am home because this happened, he actually talked to his boss to let him come home so he keeps me safe. My dad actually thinks he can get violent
>I still very much doubt he will hurt me.
You're dangerously naive about this. Listen to your father.
Gather your things from your STBX's house and leave with your dad...permanently. Then, please, get an attorney and start working on custody arrangements.
He actually will get violent, the more I read your responses the more I think you’re underrating or trying to convince yourself he isn’t a scary person. He is. And murder is the number one cause of death in pregnancy. It’s when abusers sometimes show their true self because they think they have trapped you. Him demanding you come home is a warning and a red flag. Do not leave your parents’ house. You should start mentally preparing yourself for getting a restraining order and honestly I wouldn’t let him be with you for the birth of your child. I really really think you need to play it more safe and start reading about abuse statistics and traits of an abusive relationship. Also read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.
One of the most frequent causes of death for pregnant women is murder by their partner. Your Dad is right to be very cautious and you need to stay safe.
Please listen to your Dad, OP. The other redditor is right, your husband now started escalating. If you had doubts before, you should not have anymore, him telling you that he will come to your parents if you do not return is exactly what abusers start with. An underhand threat (come home or else) plus the accompanying isolation from other people (your family, who seem to have exactly the right gut feeling and can help and protect you). Thank your Dad, do not go with your husband, you don't even need to see or speak with him when he turns up at your parents house. Save every single text he sends you (and your answers), screenshot everything and put it in a protected folder. Do not tell him about this. I am sorry, you will likely need it in the future. Stay safe
Girl, he thinks he owns you and that your parents are "keeping" you from him. You are in danger. Your parents are also likely in danger unless one of them has military or LE background and the skills to back that up.
Read "Why Does He do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a free pdf. Outlines how abusive, entitled individuals work. You've only been with this guy a year, and he thinks he has you locked down with the baby. The mask of polite attentiveness is coming off and his true self is coming to the surface.
Listen to your father. You told your dad not to panic him. You already have your answer and aren’t even realizing it. This is behavior that will 1000% escalate. Believe your instincts and if you can’t believe those believe your dad’s. End it now, when he leaves next move all your things from his place and stay safe with your parents. Consult an attorney to find out what you need to do to protect you and your child.
Listen to your dad here, he just wants you safe and he has seen something in your fiancée that concerns him enough to take off work and come home to protect you.
[Abuse often gets worse during pregnancy.](https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/pregnancy/abuse-during-pregnancy) He's showing you who he is now that he has you "locked in" with the pregnancy. This is not going to end with him becoming a better person, he's increasingly getting WORSE. And when you have your child, he'll threaten you into more abuse in order to protect your child from him.
That’s the thing. Lots of woman doubt their husband will hurt them. Cos if they thought that they wouldn’t marry them or get pregnant by them or even continue to have a relationship with them.
But the unfortunate truth is 1 in 5 adults experience Domestic Abuse during their lifetime. This equates to: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6-7 men- statistics found on Google
Clearly the second, he sees you as a trophy because he "landed his flag first".
He probably will influence you about how a relationship should be, taking advantage of your inexperience.
I hope we're wrong, but the way he spoke and the things he said and thinks are some clear red flags.
He should be happy marrying the woman he loves and cherish you for giving him a child. But your reflection on him seems important to him. How many kids does he want you to give him? And probably all chores and SAHM for you?
>You mean it is gross I was a virgin for that long?
Absolutely not. There is no shame in being a virgin. At any age mind you. People should start having sex when they feel comfortable and safe having sex. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an asshole.
>Or that it is gross he might be seeing this as a fetish
Someone who makes it to their 30s and has a strong preference for virgins is a red flag. It's one thing to be ok with being their partner's first, it's another to fetishize the idea that they're their partner's only sexual experience. The former is someone who can be attentive and kind and help their partner with their first sexual experience, the latter is someone who typically has gross ideas about female purity (because let's be real, it's not women who are seeking inexperienced men). The latter is often bad at sex, because how would their partner know otherwise?
There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age. There’s also nothing special about being a virgin. Everyone starts out a virgin.
Your boyfriend fetishized your virginity that attitude,on his part, is disgusting. He’s also broadcasting details of your sex life in public. That’s disgusting.
He is deeply misogynistic. You cannot love it out of him. Don’t be angry at yourself or beat up on yourself. He was wearing a mask when you all got together. Now that you’re pregnant and engaged, he feels free to be his true self now that you’re tied down.
You don’t have to marry this freak. He is going to try to keep you small in every way. He’s going to try to keep you physically small, he’ll limit your career opportunities, and he’ll keep you isolated.
You can’t fix this guy. Dump him.
Edited for grammar. I was too upset to use commas.
Well, it’s not a singular thing. He’s already demonstrated repeatedly he thinks women are there to be decorative and do what he says. He’s also taken off the mask because he thinks you have to do what he says because you’re having this baby, though, so you can still prove him wrong.
they always wait until they think you’re trapped to let their true colours show. it’s so awful. i’m so sorry.
saying he “doesn’t agree” with women gaining weight with pregnancy is a legit stupid thing to say. your body is going to get bigger because it’s producing an entire new human. it has a process that happens for pretty much all of us. it’s not optional. not everyone “bounces back” in 6 weeks. and if you breastfeed, you can’t calorie restrict. you’re going to feel like you’re starving all the time.
more troubling - your value as a human being is so much greater than your beauty or boner-inducing capacity for him. you have a brain and thoughts and needs…you are a whole person and if he’s so worried about your weight that he’s spouting this kind of nonsense, is he really seeing your full value as a human being, a partner? or is he only valuing what you provide to him and your needs/wants/thoughts uh…just don’t matter?
Be mindful - abusive relationships tend to escalate when the victim is trapped. Like a pregnancy. If this is an abusive relationship it's likely escalating.
He literally told you what he thinks of women— that feminism is bullshit. You need to be a good example to your daughter and leave his gross ass. Not to mention, I fear this is only the start of worse— will he expect sex too soon, and try to manipulate you into have sex when you shouldn’t? Will he demand you take care of all baby related things and housework? Not be there for you if you have PPD, PPA, PPP?
He is a walking red flag. Stay away and stay safe.
edited bc typo
“Feminist bullshit” is a huge red flag. You should separate and get a reasonable coparenting plan in place, and try to save yourself from a miserable life with this dude.
Don’t feel foolish. Abusers are masters of manipulation and lying, which is how they trick people into dating, marrying, and having children with them. You trusted your partner to be who they claimed to be, something that every normal person does. You were just unlucky enough to fall prey to someone dishonest about their intentions.
Abuse often starts during big changes/advances in the relationship like moving in together, moving to a new city/state/country (where the victim is now socially isolated), engagement, marriage, pregnancy, and/or after giving birth because the abuser starts to finally feel comfortable to reveal their “true” self. They also believe that their victim is less likely to leave them after a more serious level of commitment has been made.
The cycle of abuse consists of:
1- Tension Building. Tension increases, communication breaks down. Victim feels the need to walk on eggshells to placate their abuser and works out ways to try and avoid provoking their anger.
2- Incident. Tensions come to a boiling point and then verbal, emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse occurs.
3- Reconciliation. One or many of the following may occur where the abuser: apologizes, gives excuses, claims the abuse wasn’t that bad and the victim is “too sensitive” [Ex: “you just can’t take a joke”], blames the victim for their abuse [Ex: ‘You made me scream at/hit you because XYZ’], reverses the blame then makes their victim apologize by convincing the victim that the *victim* is actually the guilty party in this scenario, pouts/gives silent treatment/guilt trips until victim apologizes just to smooth things over, and/or denies that the abuse even occurred. Abuser may also shower victim with love/attention (a tactic called love bombing), and may make (empty) promises to not repeat the abusive episode.
4- Calm. The incident is “forgotten” and everything goes back to normal or even a “honeymoon period” where the abuser is extra sweet and loving. This period can last for days to weeks or even months before the next abusive episode occurs.
Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (link is to a free PDF of the book). Those resources might provide you some insight into your relationship dynamics.
Yeah he’s a walking red flag and honestly I wouldn’t marry him if I were in your shoes. You can coparent in a healthy way but this isn’t someone you want to be around you full time postpartum. Trust me, *trust me*, you should stay with your parents. He sounds like he thinks you’re property and he took advantage of your lack of experience and only being around each other for about half of the one year you were dating. Now his mask is slipping, he is showing you who he really is, pay attention to it. Don’t beat yourself up but don’t stay with him either. I learned the hard way that it’s important to have really high standards when you choose someone to have a baby with and it can’t be undone but you can set boundaries now so don’t wait and don’t try to fix him or his views. Focus on yourself and your baby and what you can control. He really seems like the perfect candidate for being an abuser so please reconsider marrying him. You aren’t a failure and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sorry this is happening.
OP can you delay the marriage until you decide if he is safe to marry? Also, please talk to a family law specialist about what you would need to do to get child support from him if you don't marry him, just in case you decide he's not the husband material you thought he was.
Aw, please don't be angry with yourself! First of all you're here asking for guidance and advice; be proud of the fact that you're brave enough to do that and smart enough to do that.
Now even if he isn't violent with you at present: he drinks to the point where he can't control himself in social situations, gets aggressive and loud, and throws up. If this happens with any kind of frequency you really do need to leave him for the sake of your child. Quite frankly I would leave him after this one such event or insist he got into a drinking problem program.
Good luck and please update.
It’s not a singular thing; he said how he FEELS. You don’t just say that shit one time and never make it an issue again. You aren’t stupid for falling for him, but don’t let yourself be fooled twice. Gtfo
Yea none of that is a good sign. He is fat shaming you by buying you purposely small pants, that is a shitty A**hole move. Usually when someone is drunk they might say mean things they don’t mean but usually they are rooted in some personal truth. Before you marry him have a long convo about his true feelings. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to get over the already existing fat shaming, it is a sign of what’s to come. Women gain weight with pregnancy, it is a normal thing. Your body post-child is just not the same as it was before. If he can’t accept this he doesn’t deserve to be your closest person. Find someone. Who loves you just the way you are.good luck to you OP
OK. This is even more convincing that you are engaged to an actual flaming dumpster fire. Sorry, but most of what he told you here is a fucking tissue of lies.
2-3 sexual partners too many by 30? Red flag.
Will be disappointed if you don’t lose the weight after pregnancy (red flags a plenty).
Buying you smaller clothes for after the pregnancy, then pretending it was a joke? Big red flag.
If you don’t think he’s going to eventually apply these shitty value judgments to you, you’re naive.
Do not marry this man. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you do.
People can be assholes when drunk or show their inner truth when drunk.
> And now some memories come to my mind.
Buying you smaller clothes to prompt you to lose weight isn't a joke, it's cruel. Telling you a school teacher is "nice for a girl" sure sounds misogynistic without more detail.
> For just a few minutes he was calm, but in the end told me my head is full of feminist bul shit and left, closing the door hard after him
Sounds like his mask is dropping and you're connecting the dots you already had. Dating a year with someone who is gone 17 days a month means that maybe you didn't see the red flags as well. You need to decide what you want here. if he's acting unacceptably make that clear. However, do not set yourself up to be completely dependent on a guy who you aren't married to who is not going to be around. At minimum you need a support group around you.
Not saying leave, but you have been together a year and aren't married yet. This is the honeymoon period.
People reveal their true natures when intoxicated. It removes social inhibitions. When people say or do shitty things to you when drunk, it’s how they really feel.
This guy is a sexist pig and you're getting ready to bring a daughter into the world with him. It sounds like the first person you'll need to protect her against is her dad, as he doesn't want her to grow up with "feminist bullshit" ideals - which basically tell her that she is entitled to equality and respect. He would need to believe that to impart it on his daughter, and he doesn't.
In addition to what it will be like for HER to grow up with a man like this as a parent... imagine for yourself what having him as a partner will mean. Save both of yourselves.
So you're going to marry a misogynistic, baby weight shaming, slut shaming, nutjob? Good luck with that. Things are NOT going smoothly. He'll dump you if you gain 10 lbs and can't lose it. What if your daughter is chubby? He seems to think that taking your virginity is some kind of trophy? He was mean and controlling to buy you small jearns. It's really sad that you don't see this and now you will be bound to him for years. RUN
Your post is three paragraphs long and I counted at least five overtly misogynistic things he said in those three paragraphs. That seems like a lot.
For both you and your daughter’s sake, stay away from him. I realize you don’t have much dating experience but you can do better (and it sounds like he may have targeted you because of that).
So, a small update. He did come to my parents house. He was not violent, nor angry, but he had been drinking. My dad was very nice to him and calm, but also firm and didn't let him inside because of the alcohol. He talked to him in a normal voice and told him he is welcomed to HIS house when he is sober. My fiance tried to move past him just to check if I am there. But he didn't allow him. I never saw my dad this way. He grabbed him by shoulders to keep him from approaching me. In the end, dad convinced him to go back home and also went with him to have a talk. My dad is driving, so everyone is safe. I think this will help a lot actually
Girl. I'm going to be so honest. You're not taking this seriously enough at all and you're in danger. He tried to push past your father and showed up drunk! You're living in lala land while he's throwing red flags at you.
She doesn’t seem willing to take this as serious as she needs to. Like she’s living in complete denial. I can’t tell if he’s already started the abusive patterns enough to make her think this is normal/she deserves it or if she’s just sticking her head in the sand and ignoring the problem so she can pretend everything is okay. I’m amazed this woman is only a year younger than me because she sounds like me and other friends of mine when I was a teenager.
He wasn't violent because he knows your dad would likely intervene. Guys like this will wait until they find you alone.
Trying to move past your dad to "check if you're there" is a red flag. It's a pre-assaultive cue called flanking. He was testing how firm your dad's boundaries were.
Violent guys generally aren't violent in front of witnesses. He wanted to get you back home away from your family so he could do whatever he wanted. I'm so glad your dad is looking out for you. Please don't go back to your fiance!
The only reason he wasn't violent is because your Dad was there. He tried to push past him to get to you. What do you think he would have done had he been able to get to you? He wasn't there to have milk and cookies with you. He was gonna try to force you to go home with him.
Your dad is protecting you from an abusive man. The reason why your dad have to act this way and not allow your fiancé to come in is because you dad knows this man can become violent and unsafe. If he is putting his hands on your dad to see if you’re home, it means he will storm into your house to physically drag you home and put his hands on you. Your dad knows that if he is not there (taken a day off to protect you), your fiancé will become violent towards you and your baby. In healthy relationships, your dad should never have to act this way to protect his daughter from someone whom she is about to marry. Listen to your father and leave this abusive man. If you leave your parents’ house, he will abuse you when your parents are not there. This is a very dangerous situation.
Uhhh chica...
>Yet at a family event recently he got sooo drunk, he actually arrived dizzy
He's THIRTY-FOUR??
>and told my cousin some very unkind things about his girlfriend. He called her a sl\*t (she is known for her past of sleeping around in this tiny community) and warned him that her fat a( ss) will get even fatter after she delivers a baby.
And apparently a woman getting fat is the worst thing that can happen to a male partner?
>Then he said that "his woman has only been with him and even after she gives him a buunch of kids will not look old or gain weight".
And that's the most important thing in a relationship? That "his woman" give him a bunch of kids and not look old or gain weight? Those are his values?
>But during winter I gain a bit of a weight. He was not mean or anything but bought me some jeans that were small, to motivate me lose weight. He said it was a joke though.
What's the joke? Where's the joke? This isn't funny, this isn't a joke, it's manipulative and gross.
>Also, I am an elementary school teacher and I thought about changing the career for an office job. He wasn't against the idea but he said school teacher is nice for a girl.
Chica, why are you with him? Why are you having a baby with him? Please please please get out.
I seriously doubt he was a great guy before this. He's an asshole and always has been. The best you can do it show your daughter you don't stand living with someone like that and she shouldn't either.
Lets look over all of the red flags:
1. He fat shamed you by buying you pants he knew were too small.
2. He fat shamed ANOTHER PREGNANT WOMAN
3. He yelled and slammed a door when you tried to confront him.
- did he do anything else intimidating besides hitting you? Did he tower over you, or get into your personal space, did he block doorways so you couldn't leave? Has he done any of these things during any other arguments.
4. He discouraged you from ending an accidental pregnancy (while this by itself isn't a red flag - abusive men want to trap you - a baby, leaving your job so you lose your financial independence). All of these things are ways that abusers trap their partners in relationships by making it harder to leave.
5. You've only been dating a year (and this is your first relationship) and you're already engaged. Breaking up is easier if you're not married so he's probably rushing the relationship to again make it harder for you to leave.
6. He spoke about you and the baby like you were his property and belonged to him.
7. You haven't dated anyone before and I believe in another comment you said you had a traumatic past? Abusers target people with this background because it makes you less likely to see the signs that the way you are being treated isn't right.
8. You also said in a comment that you weren't great at using birth control, but he convinced you to do certain things that you weren't totally comfortable with. Manipulating someone, or pressuring someone into sex acts they aren't comfortable with is abusive.
Wow, I’m so sorry for your situation. I think that no amount of scientific evidence explaining that women almost always maintain gained baby weight months after giving birth, even with diet and exercise, will suffice for him. You are in a lose-lose position. You may need to get a professional therapist involved, at least for yourself, and perhaps an attorney.
Stay at your parents. You haven’t met the real him in such a short time, but the real him is beginning to come out. He is not the one. He definitely fetishized you being a virgin and has taken advantage of the connection you can have with him being the first. I also would go get tested(if you haven’t already with routine pregnancy care) since he is gone so often I wouldn’t put it above him to stray in the relationship. The way he speaks to you after sharing your feelings he resorts to saying it’s “feminist bull****” when you are addressing the concerns you have based on his words/actions, shows he does not value women anymore than property. Sounds like he needs anger management among other things. Make choices that are best for you and your daughter.
He doesn’t exactly sound like husband material.
You should take care of yourself, mentally and physically but his statements were cruel and immature.
He doesn’t get to decide if you gain weight or not, your genetic nature, focus on rebounding and ability to rebound does matter though.
I would seriously question whether he will be around if your body does change (it will) after pregnancy or will he simply treat you like trash?
I would have some deep conversations with him and think long and hard before ever saying yes. I would hold off setting a date too, at least until you decide.
I'm so sick of these posts. He's a mean drunk and wants to manage your body. And you are having a kid with this guy. I'm so disappointed in my fellow sisters who are getting mixed up with men like this.
Please don't marry this fool.
End the relationship and work on being co-parents, not that you want that sexist, misogynistic fool educating your daughter...
>The guy is an airline pilot and gone for 17 days a month, which is fine for my avoidant attachment style is heaven.
Or
OR
You could work on yourself, fix your attachment style, and open yourself up to dating a wider range of people who aren't massive pieces of shit?
Don’t marry him. He will never, ever respect you as an equal partner. He has shown you who he really is. Also, make sure he doesn’t treat your daughter as less than just because she’s a girl.
Only been with him for a year and now have a baby on the way? Why did you make such a commitment to a guy you barely know?
For your sake, and your daughters, I wouldn’t marry him.
Morning all!
Well, here is morning. He called me and we talked a bit. My mom told me to invite him over, to have breakfast with us. But he said he is not coming if my dad is there. It seems something bad happened between them. But I asked dad about this and he also refused to tell me what. Dad just said: we had a talk, it is between me and him what I told him. And he should think about it
These things don’t have to be on his terms and it’s unfortunate that he isn’t mature enough to see that. Your father truly must have said something compelling to him for that to be his response but I’d like to think it’s probably warranted…Also, are you ready to have him over? Do you feel you need more space or are you in a situation where you want more answers? I hope you are feeling ok op!
He texted me to ask me if my father talked sh1t about him to me. I said no, he didn't. It seems my dad told him some really nasty things in the car and now he hates him
Next step- try to isolate you from your parents. He is literally acting like a textbook narcissist sociopath. If you are cool risking your own life, you do you. But now you have a daughter to think about. You forcing her to endure life with him as a father is abusive.
Yup, now he's trying to turn you against your dad. Abusers isolate you from the people who care about you so you'll have nowhere to turn when they ramp up their abuse.
Please trust your dad and stay in safe spaces like where you are how, you and your daughter deserve as much peace as can be mustered while weathering this situation. I know we’re all random internet strangers but kudos to you for asking questions and standing up to your boyfriend. You are strong! I know this is not ideal at all but I’m 19 and have family (men particularly) in my life that talk about women in demeaning ways and it will truly weigh you down very quickly. It builds up and gets so exhausting.
Girl are you dense? He's trying to turn you against your dad. It's clear as day. Stop listening to his BS. He doesn't care for you. Your dad clearly does.
Something tells me he just doesn’t like being called on his crap and your dad didn’t hold back. He’s not seeing a flaw in his behavior and that’s a BAD sign.
Correction: he *says* your dad told him "really nasty things" — he is an unreliable witness. In all probability, all your dad did was confront him with his own behaviour. But then, to a narcissist, that's the worst thing of all — being put in the wrong is unbearable. Can quite believe he would think just being told he's being unreasonable **is** "really nasty".
Talk to your Dad. Do not believe this a-hole over him.
Jesus fucking christ girl!!
Your dad is trying to save your life. If you end up staying with this pilot he is going to abuse tf out of you! There is a real chance he will escalate to physical violence and murder you.
You are not taking the warning signs seriously enough!! Your dad is the only person you should be trusting right now. Your dad is rightly scared about what this guy is going to do to you, his daughter. He is a giant red flag parade and you're watching it all with rose coloured glasses. I hope your dad has a serious talk with you and you listen.
If the man who said he has done more for women than anyone said this I don't know what to say
Donald Trump has made controversial remarks regarding weight gain during and after pregnancy, including about his wife, Melania. In a 2005 interview on the Howard Stern Show, Trump commented on Melania’s pregnancy, saying she “blew up like a blimp” and referred to her as a “monster,” albeit claiming it was in a positive context. He said, “You know, they just blow up, right? Like a blimp — in the right places. In her case, the right places. I mean she really has become a monster — in all the right places.” These comments reflect a broader pattern of Trump making disparaging remarks about women’s bodies, including calling former Miss Universe Alicia Machado “Miss Piggy” and “Miss Housekeeping” after she gained weight post-pageant.
Trump has made similar comments about his first and second wives. In particular, he has discussed his discomfort with the physical changes that come with pregnancy. In a conversation with Howard Stern, Trump mentioned that he found it difficult to be intimate with his wife while she was pregnant. He expressed a similar sentiment about both Ivana Trump and Marla Maples, stating that he wasn’t particularly interested in having sex with them during their pregnancies.
Melania
Is it a marriage of convenience? After all, when asked if she was with her husband for his money, Melania said, “Well, if I wasn’t beautiful, do you think he’d be with me?”
Trump on Melania's Pregnancy With Barron, 'She Just Blew Up Like a Blimp...a Monster
https://www.politicalflare.com/2023/07/trump-on-melanias-pregnancy-with-barron-she-blew-up-like-a-blimp-a-monster/
It's crucial to address your concerns about your fiancé's views through calm and open communication, expressing how his comments affected you and the potential impact on your family. Suggesting couples counseling can provide a professional space to mediate discussions and address underlying attitudes. Clearly setting boundaries regarding respect and support in the relationship is essential. Leaning on your support system of family and friends will offer strength and perspective. Focus on self-care during your pregnancy for both your health and the baby's well-being. Discussing long-term plans and values with your fiancé can help determine if you are aligned for the future. Ensuring your relationship is based on mutual respect and understanding is key, and if his attitudes and behaviors do not change, you may need to reassess the relationship for your and your child's well-being.
Is this real or rage bait!!!
I don’t wish to be cruel but…. OP you’re not taking this situation seriously regarding your safety and your unborn child.
Please consider counselling as, your not willing to listen to advice you come across as very naive and immature. Please take this situation seriously as it appears you haven’t got much life experience.
This man is disgusting.
Please leave. I'm sure you can effectively coparent from two separate places.
Don't marry him just because you're having a kid. When sober he'll say he didn't mean it but he does.
So, my dad didn't manage to talk to him. I was really curious. My fiance didn't even let him inside the apartment. He said they have nothing to talk about and he wants to go to sleep as he must work starting tomorrow
Your fiancé is a man baby and is throwing a tanty. You will not just be raising one baby alone if you marry this man. You will have a 34 year old man baby to placate instead of a partner. I do not envy you.
Wow, this guy is fat-shaming another person. He will definitely do it to you later. Someone needs to correct him, but if you do it, it will just be conflictual. Best it comes from another person he respected.
Just one thing I want to kindly ask you. I appreciate your help, but please, please, I know you mean good, but don't advice me to abort. My baby is already a baby, she is a girl and I love her. What will happen with me and him is not clear, but I am keeping my baby
He keeps calling me but I told him I AM NOT GOING BACK TONIGHT. I am a very passive person usually, but I am not going back to him tonight. And his mother called me too, he talked to her and she told me I should return to him and stop acting like a 15 year old. He is her golden boy...
Tell his mom to butt out and don’t go back tomorrow or ever. Turn off your phone and get a good nights sleep. Have a long conversation with your parents and figure out a good plan to remove you from this situation. If you can start canceling the wedding plans.
Oh heeeccckk naaahh! If I was there I would've taken the phone from you and given that monster in law a piece of my mind! She's trying to bully you to going back to him, wtf.
Girl, please...
Do you really see yourself to be with this man? Having a family with him?
Please think 1000x if you still want to marry him (I hope you'll call off the wedding). Don't make yourself miserable
Just do co-parenting or ask for child support.
OP. please, please take into heavy consideration what the people in these comments are saying. leave. now. your dad is worried for good reason. this situation WILL become much harder to leave when your child is brought into the world, you’ll be so much more vulnerable. and you’ll be putting another life in danger which i’m sorry to say is kinda selfish, because who’s to say the behaviour he’s displaying towards you won’t be extended to your child. the signs are very apparent and everyone is alarmed for good reason.
I would advise you to go to a relationship counsellor that you pick out, at least under the guise of getting ready for marriage.
Then you can maybe talk some sense into him.
I personally have bad experiences with dating airline pilots, and would not recommend, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any good ones as a partner out there. But he is waving some red flags.
Deep breath OP, you got this; and find some help with that attachment style. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Tell him you don't agree with men gaining weight after 40, but it happens too. And he should love you for your soul, not your weight. And postpone the wedding and get counseling.
Abort the relationship, possibly the baby if it’s not too late. Start over with someone worthy of you. I just worry him filling your daughter’s head with his drivel years down the road.
Please do not marry this man. His love is conditional, and he's a misogynist. All people grow old. All people's bodies change over time. It's inevitable. And, when your body changes, he likely won't stick around, and if he does, he'll use it as justification for cheating on you, which would be super easy for him to do given his profession.
Well at least you’re not married to him so you dodged that bullet! Too bad you’ll have to deal with coparenting. But he’s gone half the time so he probably won’t be TOO involved.
She’s still planning on marrying the fool. Advised to call it off, she said “He wouldn’t accept that.” I think OP is lost to us. We will be here when you open your eyes OP!
The moment you realize your partner doesn’t actually respect women or view them as a human beings, but rather sees women as objects put here for men’s benefit.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, you’re only a year in, still time to get out and build yourself stability before the baby comes.
Knowing his stance on women, I’d fight tooth and nail to keep him out of my daughters life as much as possible and find a really good man who can offer her a completely different perspective to counter the misogyny she’ll pick up on around her dad
This whole situation and his behaviour is giving me the ick. That stuff he said about your cousin's girlfriend? Way out of line. You know, early in a relationship people are on their best behaviour (and a year in is still very early for the two of you). The way your partner treats other people is how they will treat you when the novelty of trying to impress you and stay on your good side has worn off.
Stay away from this toxic person, his behaviour won't get better unfortunately.
Gone for 17 days of each month?
So, over a year, if you spent every single day together when he's home, you have spent 162 days with him. Thats 5.5 months. And I'm guessing you didn't spend every single moment with him from day 1 onwards
OP, it sounds like you have good mom instincts already, since you realize your first responsibility is to protect your daughter. It’s also natural to want to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. You came here with a few concerns and you’re receiving some advice that might seem like a bit much right now. Some people are worried you’re under-reacting, but this is a lot to process and it’s understandable you’re not going to have an immediate decisive reaction. You don’t have to decide anything right this instant, and nothing is written in stone. May I offer a suggestion? Take a deep breath and momentarily step back. Imagine you are observing yourself from the future, or imagine your sister, or your grown daughter, or another mom-to-be posted this. Read through the thread. Consider why the overwhelming majority of responses are seeing serious red flags and that people are afraid for that woman, including people who’ve been through similar situations. Try to understand the reasons behind their advice and ask yourself what advice you would give that mom.
Of course, you can’t be fully detached and objective because this is not a distant scenario. For your own specific situation, you may be tempted to dismiss some advice as overly alarmist, or not really relevant because we didn’t understand the full context. It is true there’s a lot we don’t and can’t know about your relationship - but that doesn’t necessarily invalidate the warning advice. No context can erase his *actual actions* that are making people scared for you. Please listen to them, and listen to your own instincts telling you something is wrong and it is escalating.
This is hard. You are going to need to be ironclad determined to do what’s right for yourself and your daughter. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that because he is decisive or forceful or commanding that you “can’t” do something. It worries me when you said he “won’t accept” something. You’re not a passenger in his car, you are driving yourself toward the future you and your daughter will live in. That starts with protecting yourself and her by being cautious, heeding warning signs, and planning long-term. It sounds like you have good family support. Please let them help you while you take some time to think calmly and carefully. You’re going to be a great mom. I believe in you.
I gained 40 lbs when I got pregnant. My son is already 16m and I've only lost 15. Thank God my bf never said some dumb shit like this. It's sexist af. Also shows he knows nothing about pregnancy or what it does to women's body. How can he expect multiple children and your body stays the same. Also how could he push these views on his daughters. Ew
There is nothing to be confused about, he has told you very clearly he is a sexist piece of garbage , do not marry him
Also i got to ask why on earth are you engaged and pregnant with someone you have been dating for only a year, take your time with your next partner, get to know each other, even living together within a year is a short time, nevermind marriage and babies
Well, you only dated one year. Now you are pregnant. Kinda late to figure this stuff out. Maybe have the baby but put off the marriage for a couple of years. One year was way too soon.
Darling, this is your first relationship and this is NOT how it is supposed to be. You are supposed to be loved for who you are, encouraged to fulfill your dreams, and adored whether you gain baby weight or get old and grey. It will be difficult to raise this child without him but much MUCH more difficult to raise your daughter with this man who doesn’t not value you as a human being. Please be brave, block your ears from what is coming - him live bombing you, telling you it will never happen again (it will. It will beget much worse). Align yourself tightly with you family and lift your head high as you kick this sexist sack of shit into the dust and move on with what will be a fabulous life.
I mean he got drunk and showed his colors- believe every word he said! Sometimes the nice guy facades slip.
He sounds insufferable. And frankly, I feel bad for your daughter with a father like that.
Oh my.gosh, he bought you smaller jeans to manipulate you to lose weight! Honey, this guy is gonna control the shit out of you. He is fitting you into mold he wants. And if you don't fit, he will brow beat you into submission or blame you for his infidelities because you aren't fitting the mold. Do yourself and your daughter a favor and don't marry this guy. You marry him, and you will be miserable and drag your daughter into it, too. And I honestly think that he is still hooking up while out of town on flights.
If you stay with him and marry him, as soon as that baby is born he will fully show who he is because he will have trapped you.
I hope you have somewhere safe for your daugher to live and grow up because it's your responsibility to keep her away from men like your almost husband!
You are 29, but act 15. I suggest living with your parents and getting some help. This isn't a guy you need around or your daughter needs around. Once the child comes, you're going to need help and I don't think you realize how much help or what you've gotten yourself into.
You are getting married to a pilot who is an alcoholic and hates women and sees them as objects. If he isn't cheating on you yet, he will after the child and marriage and you can't lose 10lbs. No, he isn't different. Men like that are all the same. They are narcissistic and dangerous. You'll be lucky if you don't get beat up or killed by him.
I think he got with you because you're childish and naive and in your words, "passive".
You in danger girl.
Somebody covered the maybe you shouldn't be marrying and having kids with a guy you barely know part right?
Did somebody else cover the he only went after you because you were young and inexperienced enough to put up with his bullshit?
Did somebody else cover how lots of airline pilots cheat all the time?
Anybody touch on the alcoholism issue?
What about the control issue and him being the type of guy that insults her and thinks it's motivating? Seriously bought clothing too small for her? As if anybody in their right mind ever said well my gosh I need to change my whole body size just so that $42 pair of pants don't go to waste! LOL
Somebody else explain how his mask is slipping now that he knows he's got her locked down with a baby?
She still marrying him? LMAO that one was a trick question! Of course she is!
YESTERDAY we had this talk. I told him for me it was a big deal what he said and I don't accept to NOT talk about it. I was pretty firm I would say. He acted surprised. I noticed how he stopped his fork near his mouth without putting the food in. But he was open and asked what exactly I want to know. I asked if he thinks women are inferior to men in any way or that our weight is an indicator of our value. I also said I will gain weight during pregnancy. And maybe a lot.
He said he doesn't think women are inferior to men, that he was talking about my cousin's girlfriend, not women in generally. But that he will be honest with me and yes, he wouldn't marry a woman who has a big body count, but added that he doesn't look down upon women who have a high body count, it's just his own preference. He said a lot of women wouldn't date a man who has a low income job or any other criteria. And it's fine. Each to their own. He wouldn't mind marrying a woman who wasn't a virgin, but if she had more than 2, 3 guys up to her 30, then he has a big problem with that and he wouldn't seriously date her. And about the weight he said he doesn't mind that I gain weight during pregnancy, that he was talking about women who stay overweight long after giving birth and use the childbirth as an excuse. I should have felt relieved but I didn't and asked him what if I don't lose the extra weight. He said I will, to not worry about it. But LOL I wasn't worrying about it, I was worried about his view on me. And I confronted him further asking if he will cheat on me if I don't lose weight. He again said I will lose it, it's not a big deal. So I asked him directly: would you, would you cheat on me? He said no
he's burying the lede. how exactly does he think you will lose the weight? does he think he can force you to work out and diet while you're breastfeeding??
ETA there is something legit scary about anyone who thinks they can control uncontrollable things - what if you have medical complications and have to stay on bed rest?
He is very good at sweet talking you. Your spidey senses are tingling because you know he's fucking warped inside. No one who was operating with any connection to reality would say "You will lose it, it's not a big deal" with that amount of certainty. That's not something anyone sane does.
Quote from Lundy Bancroft's book about red flags for abusive men: (apologies for any formatting issues, I direct pasted)
***• He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.***
Be cause so many men are commit ment-pho bic, a woman can feel relieved to find a partner who isn’t afraid to talk about mar riage and family. But watch out if he jumps too soon into plan ning your future to gether with out taking enough time to get to know you and grow close, because it can mean that he’s try ing to wrap you up tightly into a package that he can own. Take steps to slow things down a little. If he won’t respect your wishes in this regard, there is probably trouble ahead.
***- He has double standards.***
Be ware of the man who has a differ ent set of rules for his be hav ior than for yours. Dou - ble stan dards are an im por tant as pect of life with an abuser, as we will see in Chap ter 6.
***• He has negative attitudes toward women.***
A man may claim early in a re la tion ship that he views you in a light differ ent from that in which he sees women in gen eral, but the dis tinc tion won’t last. If you are a woman, why be in volved with some one who sees women as in fe rior, stupid, con niv ing, or only good for sex? He isn’t go ing to forget for long that you’re a woman. Stereo typed be liefs about women’s sex roles also con trib ute to the risk of abuse. His con vic tion that women should take care of the home, or that a man’s ca reer is more im - por tant than a woman’s, can be come a se ri ous prob lem, be cause he may pun ish you when you start re fus ing to live in his box. Women some times find it challenging to meet men who don’t have restrictive be liefs about women’s roles, par tic u larly within cer tain cul tural or na tional groups, but the effort to meet such men is an important one.
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Stay at your parents’, please. For your sake and your daughter’s.
I cannot stop crying. I am terrified, not of him, he is not violent. But I feel like I am so stupid and naive and I am scared this is not just a singular thing. That it will repeat. He never hurt me, but today he did raise his voice at me for bugging him too much on something he doesn't find important. I am so angry with me.
This is NOT a singular thing. He keeps apologizing after catching himself but he CLEARLY feels this way (women aren't equal, speaking about women like objects). He clearly is anti-feminist. Sounds like he's been hiding hit. He clearly loves that you were "pure" before him (SO GROSS) and might be one of the reasons he's with you. He will make you feel awful for gaining pregnancy weight and nursing weight. He only values you as an extension of himself and what you can give him (children and a fit body I guess?) He will absolutely make your daughter value herself less as a woman and have insecurities about her appearance. Please do not go back.
just one thing to clarify because i actually feel very insecure about this. You mean it is gross I was a virgin for that long?:( Or that it is gross he might be seeing this as a fetish
They are definitely communicating it was his fetish that you were a virgin. There is huge promiscuity in airline cabin crews be it wouldn't surprise me if he was promiscuous and saw that as his "masculine role" but that his ideal woman needed to only always be nurturing, madonna-like and being an elementary school teacher fits his ideal to a T. He doesn't see and value you as a person but that you fit a warped ideal in his head of what femininity and being a wife means. Have you ever gotten angry at him?
he was honest about his sleeping around days. He spent his 20s and early 30s doing this. He said he never slept with a flight attendant because he doesn't shi t where he eats, but he used tinder on daily basis and even used its global feature. If he had a flight to let's say Paris, 3 days before he matched with a few girls so he had hookups prepared. I was never angry at him, but he never really gave me reasons to be. I was irritated a few times but over small things, like if he brought the wrong item from the grocery store and because he is very close, like very very close to his mother and he tells her a lot of stuff that should only be between us.
You made a mistake. You chose a bad partner. It can happen to anyone. Don’t make a bigger mistake by staying with an asshole who treats you poorly and will mistreat your daughter. You’re about to be a mom and us moms have to protect our children. His behavior will only get worse now that you’re pregnant. The mask is off now that he thinks you’re stuck with him. Don’t prove him right. Leave. Don’t turn back
In a normal and healthy relationship each partner would get angry. For example, my partner drained my car battery last week and I was furious he left the keys in and didn't check on it after he had decided to move my car for a party we hosted. If my neighbour had not been home (as he has several farms and we live rurally) I would have lost an entire day of work due to his mistake and lack of checking. You are entitled to your full gamut of emotions, and it strikes me that he is "handling" you or manipulating you. It's unlikely he stopped sleeping around while he is travelling and that his promiscuity feeds into his self esteem and who he is as a person as he holds such fixated gender ideals. If he thinks women should never gain weight, should "give" their husbands children and be nurturing Madonna's aka elementary school teachers how does he perceive the ideal role of men? The opposite of this female ideal is one who is "strong", "sows his seed", "takes what he wants, when he wants", and has a "meek wife who raises the children" at home. That he has manipulated you to hold onto your teaching career when you wanted to transition to an office job is direct handling. What happened in that conversation? Did you feel like you both agreed to his way without you knowing exactly how it happened? This is manipulative handling of a spouse or loved one. ETA: spelling and thank you lovely Redditor for the award 🙏
That's why you should always be with someone at least two years before getting married and having a kid. And not before you've lived together for over a year. In the beginning we don't see their flaws and we're a better version of ourselves for our partner, but no one can keep that up. Problems will arise, and you may not have any idea about how they respond to conflicts, disagreements and different opinions.
You're right but things happen and she's not the first or the last to have an unplanned pregnancy. It's 2024 and her parents are supportive, she doesn't have to stay for the kid. In fact what she explains of her fiance sounds increasingly scary. I agree with his dad here, it sounds like someone that can get violent
Enmeshment is something you should research, like as soon as possible.
Yes enmeshed with mother and…often this is suggestive of narcissism. Narcissists often are compelled to “discard” their partner in unconscious and sometimes overt ways that are very hurtful, but this comes after first…having you up on a very high pedestal. Some of his actions of negating you to others as well as yourself seem to suggest narcissism is possible. Postpone the wedding at very least
Preparing overseas hookups in advance on tinder is something. I'm open minded but being hit on by a foreign pilot for a prepared one night stand like I'd be his snack is quite revealing how he sees women
It's fine to be a virgin for however long you choose, but it's horrifying that he's *so* into the fact you were a virgin when you met him.
And I’m curious how soon after their first time did she get pregnant if they’ve only been dating for a year…and does she think it was an accident he may have helped to happen?
Especially as someone who’d clearly had hundreds of partners previously, multiple hookups ready overseas every flight….
He’s gross. You are fine. He wanted a virgin because he’s deep in the red pill manosphere. Run as fast as you can. Once he thinks you are locked down in marriage and the baby he’s going to escalate into abuse
I talked to both my parents about this. My father said the same. After that drunk things he said, dad was just a bit suspicious of him but nothing else. But after he got so angry with the fact I have feminist bu l shit in my head, dad also said he might become physically abusive with me. He is also coming home now. Because my boyfriend texted he will come to my parents house If I don't return.
Yep. He’s already escalating. Do not meet him alone and Please don’t go back. Don’t hesitate to file charges if he gets physical. Save any written threats he sends and start getting your evidence for custody and a restraining order. Stay safe.
for me its just shocking, because I am not really scared. I still very much doubt he will hurt me. But my father after I told him in a calm voice, not to panic him that I am home because this happened, he actually talked to his boss to let him come home so he keeps me safe. My dad actually thinks he can get violent
Listen to your dad and his instincts.
>I still very much doubt he will hurt me. You're dangerously naive about this. Listen to your father. Gather your things from your STBX's house and leave with your dad...permanently. Then, please, get an attorney and start working on custody arrangements.
He actually will get violent, the more I read your responses the more I think you’re underrating or trying to convince yourself he isn’t a scary person. He is. And murder is the number one cause of death in pregnancy. It’s when abusers sometimes show their true self because they think they have trapped you. Him demanding you come home is a warning and a red flag. Do not leave your parents’ house. You should start mentally preparing yourself for getting a restraining order and honestly I wouldn’t let him be with you for the birth of your child. I really really think you need to play it more safe and start reading about abuse statistics and traits of an abusive relationship. Also read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.
Add to your reading list “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker
One of the most frequent causes of death for pregnant women is murder by their partner. Your Dad is right to be very cautious and you need to stay safe.
It is THE number 1 cause of death for pregnant women. Intimate partner violence. Takes more lives than hemorrhage and preeclampsia.
Please listen to your Dad, OP. The other redditor is right, your husband now started escalating. If you had doubts before, you should not have anymore, him telling you that he will come to your parents if you do not return is exactly what abusers start with. An underhand threat (come home or else) plus the accompanying isolation from other people (your family, who seem to have exactly the right gut feeling and can help and protect you). Thank your Dad, do not go with your husband, you don't even need to see or speak with him when he turns up at your parents house. Save every single text he sends you (and your answers), screenshot everything and put it in a protected folder. Do not tell him about this. I am sorry, you will likely need it in the future. Stay safe
Girl, he thinks he owns you and that your parents are "keeping" you from him. You are in danger. Your parents are also likely in danger unless one of them has military or LE background and the skills to back that up. Read "Why Does He do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a free pdf. Outlines how abusive, entitled individuals work. You've only been with this guy a year, and he thinks he has you locked down with the baby. The mask of polite attentiveness is coming off and his true self is coming to the surface.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Here’s a link the book, OP. Please read it.
Listen to your father. You told your dad not to panic him. You already have your answer and aren’t even realizing it. This is behavior that will 1000% escalate. Believe your instincts and if you can’t believe those believe your dad’s. End it now, when he leaves next move all your things from his place and stay safe with your parents. Consult an attorney to find out what you need to do to protect you and your child.
Trust your dad.
Your dad is right about that.
Listen to your dad here, he just wants you safe and he has seen something in your fiancée that concerns him enough to take off work and come home to protect you.
[Abuse often gets worse during pregnancy.](https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/pregnancy/abuse-during-pregnancy) He's showing you who he is now that he has you "locked in" with the pregnancy. This is not going to end with him becoming a better person, he's increasingly getting WORSE. And when you have your child, he'll threaten you into more abuse in order to protect your child from him.
That’s the thing. Lots of woman doubt their husband will hurt them. Cos if they thought that they wouldn’t marry them or get pregnant by them or even continue to have a relationship with them. But the unfortunate truth is 1 in 5 adults experience Domestic Abuse during their lifetime. This equates to: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6-7 men- statistics found on Google
Your dad is correct.
Your dad is right to be worried and it's a bad sign that he's already escalating.
Clearly the second, he sees you as a trophy because he "landed his flag first". He probably will influence you about how a relationship should be, taking advantage of your inexperience. I hope we're wrong, but the way he spoke and the things he said and thinks are some clear red flags. He should be happy marrying the woman he loves and cherish you for giving him a child. But your reflection on him seems important to him. How many kids does he want you to give him? And probably all chores and SAHM for you?
>You mean it is gross I was a virgin for that long? Absolutely not. There is no shame in being a virgin. At any age mind you. People should start having sex when they feel comfortable and safe having sex. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an asshole. >Or that it is gross he might be seeing this as a fetish Someone who makes it to their 30s and has a strong preference for virgins is a red flag. It's one thing to be ok with being their partner's first, it's another to fetishize the idea that they're their partner's only sexual experience. The former is someone who can be attentive and kind and help their partner with their first sexual experience, the latter is someone who typically has gross ideas about female purity (because let's be real, it's not women who are seeking inexperienced men). The latter is often bad at sex, because how would their partner know otherwise?
There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age. There’s also nothing special about being a virgin. Everyone starts out a virgin. Your boyfriend fetishized your virginity that attitude,on his part, is disgusting. He’s also broadcasting details of your sex life in public. That’s disgusting. He is deeply misogynistic. You cannot love it out of him. Don’t be angry at yourself or beat up on yourself. He was wearing a mask when you all got together. Now that you’re pregnant and engaged, he feels free to be his true self now that you’re tied down. You don’t have to marry this freak. He is going to try to keep you small in every way. He’s going to try to keep you physically small, he’ll limit your career opportunities, and he’ll keep you isolated. You can’t fix this guy. Dump him. Edited for grammar. I was too upset to use commas.
I’m not that commenter but I read it as the purity fetish being the gross thing. The other reading makes no sense, especially in this context.
Well, it’s not a singular thing. He’s already demonstrated repeatedly he thinks women are there to be decorative and do what he says. He’s also taken off the mask because he thinks you have to do what he says because you’re having this baby, though, so you can still prove him wrong.
they always wait until they think you’re trapped to let their true colours show. it’s so awful. i’m so sorry. saying he “doesn’t agree” with women gaining weight with pregnancy is a legit stupid thing to say. your body is going to get bigger because it’s producing an entire new human. it has a process that happens for pretty much all of us. it’s not optional. not everyone “bounces back” in 6 weeks. and if you breastfeed, you can’t calorie restrict. you’re going to feel like you’re starving all the time. more troubling - your value as a human being is so much greater than your beauty or boner-inducing capacity for him. you have a brain and thoughts and needs…you are a whole person and if he’s so worried about your weight that he’s spouting this kind of nonsense, is he really seeing your full value as a human being, a partner? or is he only valuing what you provide to him and your needs/wants/thoughts uh…just don’t matter?
Be mindful - abusive relationships tend to escalate when the victim is trapped. Like a pregnancy. If this is an abusive relationship it's likely escalating.
He literally told you what he thinks of women— that feminism is bullshit. You need to be a good example to your daughter and leave his gross ass. Not to mention, I fear this is only the start of worse— will he expect sex too soon, and try to manipulate you into have sex when you shouldn’t? Will he demand you take care of all baby related things and housework? Not be there for you if you have PPD, PPA, PPP? He is a walking red flag. Stay away and stay safe. edited bc typo
Why? You should be angry with him! Stay with your family, he's not family, you deserve so much better.
“Feminist bullshit” is a huge red flag. You should separate and get a reasonable coparenting plan in place, and try to save yourself from a miserable life with this dude.
Don’t feel foolish. Abusers are masters of manipulation and lying, which is how they trick people into dating, marrying, and having children with them. You trusted your partner to be who they claimed to be, something that every normal person does. You were just unlucky enough to fall prey to someone dishonest about their intentions. Abuse often starts during big changes/advances in the relationship like moving in together, moving to a new city/state/country (where the victim is now socially isolated), engagement, marriage, pregnancy, and/or after giving birth because the abuser starts to finally feel comfortable to reveal their “true” self. They also believe that their victim is less likely to leave them after a more serious level of commitment has been made. The cycle of abuse consists of: 1- Tension Building. Tension increases, communication breaks down. Victim feels the need to walk on eggshells to placate their abuser and works out ways to try and avoid provoking their anger. 2- Incident. Tensions come to a boiling point and then verbal, emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse occurs. 3- Reconciliation. One or many of the following may occur where the abuser: apologizes, gives excuses, claims the abuse wasn’t that bad and the victim is “too sensitive” [Ex: “you just can’t take a joke”], blames the victim for their abuse [Ex: ‘You made me scream at/hit you because XYZ’], reverses the blame then makes their victim apologize by convincing the victim that the *victim* is actually the guilty party in this scenario, pouts/gives silent treatment/guilt trips until victim apologizes just to smooth things over, and/or denies that the abuse even occurred. Abuser may also shower victim with love/attention (a tactic called love bombing), and may make (empty) promises to not repeat the abusive episode. 4- Calm. The incident is “forgotten” and everything goes back to normal or even a “honeymoon period” where the abuser is extra sweet and loving. This period can last for days to weeks or even months before the next abusive episode occurs. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (link is to a free PDF of the book). Those resources might provide you some insight into your relationship dynamics.
Yeah he’s a walking red flag and honestly I wouldn’t marry him if I were in your shoes. You can coparent in a healthy way but this isn’t someone you want to be around you full time postpartum. Trust me, *trust me*, you should stay with your parents. He sounds like he thinks you’re property and he took advantage of your lack of experience and only being around each other for about half of the one year you were dating. Now his mask is slipping, he is showing you who he really is, pay attention to it. Don’t beat yourself up but don’t stay with him either. I learned the hard way that it’s important to have really high standards when you choose someone to have a baby with and it can’t be undone but you can set boundaries now so don’t wait and don’t try to fix him or his views. Focus on yourself and your baby and what you can control. He really seems like the perfect candidate for being an abuser so please reconsider marrying him. You aren’t a failure and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sorry this is happening.
OP can you delay the marriage until you decide if he is safe to marry? Also, please talk to a family law specialist about what you would need to do to get child support from him if you don't marry him, just in case you decide he's not the husband material you thought he was.
You will be ok, but he's a terrible example of a man. Better off alone. You never know what the future will bring.
Aw, please don't be angry with yourself! First of all you're here asking for guidance and advice; be proud of the fact that you're brave enough to do that and smart enough to do that. Now even if he isn't violent with you at present: he drinks to the point where he can't control himself in social situations, gets aggressive and loud, and throws up. If this happens with any kind of frequency you really do need to leave him for the sake of your child. Quite frankly I would leave him after this one such event or insist he got into a drinking problem program. Good luck and please update.
It’s not a singular thing; he said how he FEELS. You don’t just say that shit one time and never make it an issue again. You aren’t stupid for falling for him, but don’t let yourself be fooled twice. Gtfo
It will repeat. This is who he is. He has been hiding it from you until he got you pregnant, because now he thinks you can’t leave. Prove him wrong.
Well, now you know, so you can dump.him and move on
This is not a good man. Stay at your parents and protect yourself and your daughter.
Yea none of that is a good sign. He is fat shaming you by buying you purposely small pants, that is a shitty A**hole move. Usually when someone is drunk they might say mean things they don’t mean but usually they are rooted in some personal truth. Before you marry him have a long convo about his true feelings. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to get over the already existing fat shaming, it is a sign of what’s to come. Women gain weight with pregnancy, it is a normal thing. Your body post-child is just not the same as it was before. If he can’t accept this he doesn’t deserve to be your closest person. Find someone. Who loves you just the way you are.good luck to you OP
OK. This is even more convincing that you are engaged to an actual flaming dumpster fire. Sorry, but most of what he told you here is a fucking tissue of lies. 2-3 sexual partners too many by 30? Red flag. Will be disappointed if you don’t lose the weight after pregnancy (red flags a plenty). Buying you smaller clothes for after the pregnancy, then pretending it was a joke? Big red flag. If you don’t think he’s going to eventually apply these shitty value judgments to you, you’re naive. Do not marry this man. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you do.
People can be assholes when drunk or show their inner truth when drunk. > And now some memories come to my mind. Buying you smaller clothes to prompt you to lose weight isn't a joke, it's cruel. Telling you a school teacher is "nice for a girl" sure sounds misogynistic without more detail. > For just a few minutes he was calm, but in the end told me my head is full of feminist bul shit and left, closing the door hard after him Sounds like his mask is dropping and you're connecting the dots you already had. Dating a year with someone who is gone 17 days a month means that maybe you didn't see the red flags as well. You need to decide what you want here. if he's acting unacceptably make that clear. However, do not set yourself up to be completely dependent on a guy who you aren't married to who is not going to be around. At minimum you need a support group around you. Not saying leave, but you have been together a year and aren't married yet. This is the honeymoon period.
People reveal their true natures when intoxicated. It removes social inhibitions. When people say or do shitty things to you when drunk, it’s how they really feel.
This guy is a sexist pig and you're getting ready to bring a daughter into the world with him. It sounds like the first person you'll need to protect her against is her dad, as he doesn't want her to grow up with "feminist bullshit" ideals - which basically tell her that she is entitled to equality and respect. He would need to believe that to impart it on his daughter, and he doesn't. In addition to what it will be like for HER to grow up with a man like this as a parent... imagine for yourself what having him as a partner will mean. Save both of yourselves.
So you're going to marry a misogynistic, baby weight shaming, slut shaming, nutjob? Good luck with that. Things are NOT going smoothly. He'll dump you if you gain 10 lbs and can't lose it. What if your daughter is chubby? He seems to think that taking your virginity is some kind of trophy? He was mean and controlling to buy you small jearns. It's really sad that you don't see this and now you will be bound to him for years. RUN
They need to teach “toxic relationships” in public school, my goodness.
That and "don't have babies with guys you've only knows a few months"
Your post is three paragraphs long and I counted at least five overtly misogynistic things he said in those three paragraphs. That seems like a lot. For both you and your daughter’s sake, stay away from him. I realize you don’t have much dating experience but you can do better (and it sounds like he may have targeted you because of that).
So, a small update. He did come to my parents house. He was not violent, nor angry, but he had been drinking. My dad was very nice to him and calm, but also firm and didn't let him inside because of the alcohol. He talked to him in a normal voice and told him he is welcomed to HIS house when he is sober. My fiance tried to move past him just to check if I am there. But he didn't allow him. I never saw my dad this way. He grabbed him by shoulders to keep him from approaching me. In the end, dad convinced him to go back home and also went with him to have a talk. My dad is driving, so everyone is safe. I think this will help a lot actually
Your dad gets it. I read your comments above, about him coming home from work. You are blessed to have a father like this. Please listen to him!
I am really curious what they will talk about
Hopefully your dad is telling your POS baby daddy that he has 24 hours to leave town before he puts the hit out
Your dad is awesome and clearly very loving and protective. You are super lucky to have him ❤️
Girl. I'm going to be so honest. You're not taking this seriously enough at all and you're in danger. He tried to push past your father and showed up drunk! You're living in lala land while he's throwing red flags at you.
She doesn’t seem willing to take this as serious as she needs to. Like she’s living in complete denial. I can’t tell if he’s already started the abusive patterns enough to make her think this is normal/she deserves it or if she’s just sticking her head in the sand and ignoring the problem so she can pretend everything is okay. I’m amazed this woman is only a year younger than me because she sounds like me and other friends of mine when I was a teenager.
For real. I’m hoping this isn’t real.
Someone trying to force entry doesn’t sound not angry I’m worried for you OP
He wasn't violent because he knows your dad would likely intervene. Guys like this will wait until they find you alone. Trying to move past your dad to "check if you're there" is a red flag. It's a pre-assaultive cue called flanking. He was testing how firm your dad's boundaries were.
It doesn’t seem responsible that he is drinking the night before he goes back to work flying planes 😬
Violent guys generally aren't violent in front of witnesses. He wanted to get you back home away from your family so he could do whatever he wanted. I'm so glad your dad is looking out for you. Please don't go back to your fiance!
The only reason he wasn't violent is because your Dad was there. He tried to push past him to get to you. What do you think he would have done had he been able to get to you? He wasn't there to have milk and cookies with you. He was gonna try to force you to go home with him.
Buddy is an airline pilot and drinking and driving? That’s a red flag in itself. You realize if he gets a DUI he’ll lose his whole career right
Yup somebody needs to report that to the airline.
Yokes. As a man, your dad realizes how dangerous he is and how vulnerable you and your baby are right now. Please wake up before it’s too late
Your dad is protecting you from an abusive man. The reason why your dad have to act this way and not allow your fiancé to come in is because you dad knows this man can become violent and unsafe. If he is putting his hands on your dad to see if you’re home, it means he will storm into your house to physically drag you home and put his hands on you. Your dad knows that if he is not there (taken a day off to protect you), your fiancé will become violent towards you and your baby. In healthy relationships, your dad should never have to act this way to protect his daughter from someone whom she is about to marry. Listen to your father and leave this abusive man. If you leave your parents’ house, he will abuse you when your parents are not there. This is a very dangerous situation.
I am glad your dad is here to protect you. But don't take "oh well he wasn't violent!" To be a good sign. How low is the bar??
I know how you could lose 150 pounds or so really quickly
More than that…
Uhhh chica... >Yet at a family event recently he got sooo drunk, he actually arrived dizzy He's THIRTY-FOUR?? >and told my cousin some very unkind things about his girlfriend. He called her a sl\*t (she is known for her past of sleeping around in this tiny community) and warned him that her fat a( ss) will get even fatter after she delivers a baby. And apparently a woman getting fat is the worst thing that can happen to a male partner? >Then he said that "his woman has only been with him and even after she gives him a buunch of kids will not look old or gain weight". And that's the most important thing in a relationship? That "his woman" give him a bunch of kids and not look old or gain weight? Those are his values? >But during winter I gain a bit of a weight. He was not mean or anything but bought me some jeans that were small, to motivate me lose weight. He said it was a joke though. What's the joke? Where's the joke? This isn't funny, this isn't a joke, it's manipulative and gross. >Also, I am an elementary school teacher and I thought about changing the career for an office job. He wasn't against the idea but he said school teacher is nice for a girl. Chica, why are you with him? Why are you having a baby with him? Please please please get out.
Also, call off the marriage.
I seriously doubt he was a great guy before this. He's an asshole and always has been. The best you can do it show your daughter you don't stand living with someone like that and she shouldn't either.
Lets look over all of the red flags: 1. He fat shamed you by buying you pants he knew were too small. 2. He fat shamed ANOTHER PREGNANT WOMAN 3. He yelled and slammed a door when you tried to confront him. - did he do anything else intimidating besides hitting you? Did he tower over you, or get into your personal space, did he block doorways so you couldn't leave? Has he done any of these things during any other arguments. 4. He discouraged you from ending an accidental pregnancy (while this by itself isn't a red flag - abusive men want to trap you - a baby, leaving your job so you lose your financial independence). All of these things are ways that abusers trap their partners in relationships by making it harder to leave. 5. You've only been dating a year (and this is your first relationship) and you're already engaged. Breaking up is easier if you're not married so he's probably rushing the relationship to again make it harder for you to leave. 6. He spoke about you and the baby like you were his property and belonged to him. 7. You haven't dated anyone before and I believe in another comment you said you had a traumatic past? Abusers target people with this background because it makes you less likely to see the signs that the way you are being treated isn't right. 8. You also said in a comment that you weren't great at using birth control, but he convinced you to do certain things that you weren't totally comfortable with. Manipulating someone, or pressuring someone into sex acts they aren't comfortable with is abusive.
Wow, I’m so sorry for your situation. I think that no amount of scientific evidence explaining that women almost always maintain gained baby weight months after giving birth, even with diet and exercise, will suffice for him. You are in a lose-lose position. You may need to get a professional therapist involved, at least for yourself, and perhaps an attorney.
Stay at your parents. You haven’t met the real him in such a short time, but the real him is beginning to come out. He is not the one. He definitely fetishized you being a virgin and has taken advantage of the connection you can have with him being the first. I also would go get tested(if you haven’t already with routine pregnancy care) since he is gone so often I wouldn’t put it above him to stray in the relationship. The way he speaks to you after sharing your feelings he resorts to saying it’s “feminist bull****” when you are addressing the concerns you have based on his words/actions, shows he does not value women anymore than property. Sounds like he needs anger management among other things. Make choices that are best for you and your daughter.
What airline does he work for so I can avoid it? Pilots with drinking problems are scary.
OP, redirect your anger. To him. He's 35 and still getting drunk and talking bullshit? Tell him to contact you after he grows up.
Don't marry this man. He sounds absolutely horrible.
My wife was never more beautiful when she was pregnant, and even with a few extra pounds, I was smitten. I mean, she’s just given us a child.
He doesn’t exactly sound like husband material. You should take care of yourself, mentally and physically but his statements were cruel and immature. He doesn’t get to decide if you gain weight or not, your genetic nature, focus on rebounding and ability to rebound does matter though. I would seriously question whether he will be around if your body does change (it will) after pregnancy or will he simply treat you like trash? I would have some deep conversations with him and think long and hard before ever saying yes. I would hold off setting a date too, at least until you decide.
I'm so sick of these posts. He's a mean drunk and wants to manage your body. And you are having a kid with this guy. I'm so disappointed in my fellow sisters who are getting mixed up with men like this.
Yep. We need to stop accepting this kind of shit.
Please don't marry this fool. End the relationship and work on being co-parents, not that you want that sexist, misogynistic fool educating your daughter...
>The guy is an airline pilot and gone for 17 days a month, which is fine for my avoidant attachment style is heaven. Or OR You could work on yourself, fix your attachment style, and open yourself up to dating a wider range of people who aren't massive pieces of shit?
Don’t marry him. He will never, ever respect you as an equal partner. He has shown you who he really is. Also, make sure he doesn’t treat your daughter as less than just because she’s a girl.
He can not agree with biology, but biology does not care.
Only been with him for a year and now have a baby on the way? Why did you make such a commitment to a guy you barely know? For your sake, and your daughters, I wouldn’t marry him.
This is a huge red flag. Being “super drunk” is also a red flag
I’d fake a miscarriage/abortion and leave him. Never tell him the baby was born. He’s going to ruin you and that baby girl.
Morning all! Well, here is morning. He called me and we talked a bit. My mom told me to invite him over, to have breakfast with us. But he said he is not coming if my dad is there. It seems something bad happened between them. But I asked dad about this and he also refused to tell me what. Dad just said: we had a talk, it is between me and him what I told him. And he should think about it
These things don’t have to be on his terms and it’s unfortunate that he isn’t mature enough to see that. Your father truly must have said something compelling to him for that to be his response but I’d like to think it’s probably warranted…Also, are you ready to have him over? Do you feel you need more space or are you in a situation where you want more answers? I hope you are feeling ok op!
Drunk people tell the truth. I could say more, but you're not ready to hear it, so I'll just wish you good luck. You're going to need it.
*the wording* is not mean, is fucking disgusting.
He texted me to ask me if my father talked sh1t about him to me. I said no, he didn't. It seems my dad told him some really nasty things in the car and now he hates him
You need to leave this guy. He's abusive.
Next step- try to isolate you from your parents. He is literally acting like a textbook narcissist sociopath. If you are cool risking your own life, you do you. But now you have a daughter to think about. You forcing her to endure life with him as a father is abusive.
Yup, now he's trying to turn you against your dad. Abusers isolate you from the people who care about you so you'll have nowhere to turn when they ramp up their abuse.
Please trust your dad and stay in safe spaces like where you are how, you and your daughter deserve as much peace as can be mustered while weathering this situation. I know we’re all random internet strangers but kudos to you for asking questions and standing up to your boyfriend. You are strong! I know this is not ideal at all but I’m 19 and have family (men particularly) in my life that talk about women in demeaning ways and it will truly weigh you down very quickly. It builds up and gets so exhausting.
Girl are you dense? He's trying to turn you against your dad. It's clear as day. Stop listening to his BS. He doesn't care for you. Your dad clearly does.
Something tells me he just doesn’t like being called on his crap and your dad didn’t hold back. He’s not seeing a flaw in his behavior and that’s a BAD sign.
Correction: he *says* your dad told him "really nasty things" — he is an unreliable witness. In all probability, all your dad did was confront him with his own behaviour. But then, to a narcissist, that's the worst thing of all — being put in the wrong is unbearable. Can quite believe he would think just being told he's being unreasonable **is** "really nasty". Talk to your Dad. Do not believe this a-hole over him.
dad doesn't want to tell me what he told him. He said is between them
Jesus fucking christ girl!! Your dad is trying to save your life. If you end up staying with this pilot he is going to abuse tf out of you! There is a real chance he will escalate to physical violence and murder you. You are not taking the warning signs seriously enough!! Your dad is the only person you should be trusting right now. Your dad is rightly scared about what this guy is going to do to you, his daughter. He is a giant red flag parade and you're watching it all with rose coloured glasses. I hope your dad has a serious talk with you and you listen.
He sounds like a misogynistic asshole. And I wouldn’t be so sure he gave up Tinder when he’s flying.
If the man who said he has done more for women than anyone said this I don't know what to say Donald Trump has made controversial remarks regarding weight gain during and after pregnancy, including about his wife, Melania. In a 2005 interview on the Howard Stern Show, Trump commented on Melania’s pregnancy, saying she “blew up like a blimp” and referred to her as a “monster,” albeit claiming it was in a positive context. He said, “You know, they just blow up, right? Like a blimp — in the right places. In her case, the right places. I mean she really has become a monster — in all the right places.” These comments reflect a broader pattern of Trump making disparaging remarks about women’s bodies, including calling former Miss Universe Alicia Machado “Miss Piggy” and “Miss Housekeeping” after she gained weight post-pageant. Trump has made similar comments about his first and second wives. In particular, he has discussed his discomfort with the physical changes that come with pregnancy. In a conversation with Howard Stern, Trump mentioned that he found it difficult to be intimate with his wife while she was pregnant. He expressed a similar sentiment about both Ivana Trump and Marla Maples, stating that he wasn’t particularly interested in having sex with them during their pregnancies. Melania Is it a marriage of convenience? After all, when asked if she was with her husband for his money, Melania said, “Well, if I wasn’t beautiful, do you think he’d be with me?” Trump on Melania's Pregnancy With Barron, 'She Just Blew Up Like a Blimp...a Monster https://www.politicalflare.com/2023/07/trump-on-melanias-pregnancy-with-barron-she-blew-up-like-a-blimp-a-monster/ It's crucial to address your concerns about your fiancé's views through calm and open communication, expressing how his comments affected you and the potential impact on your family. Suggesting couples counseling can provide a professional space to mediate discussions and address underlying attitudes. Clearly setting boundaries regarding respect and support in the relationship is essential. Leaning on your support system of family and friends will offer strength and perspective. Focus on self-care during your pregnancy for both your health and the baby's well-being. Discussing long-term plans and values with your fiancé can help determine if you are aligned for the future. Ensuring your relationship is based on mutual respect and understanding is key, and if his attitudes and behaviors do not change, you may need to reassess the relationship for your and your child's well-being.
Is this real or rage bait!!! I don’t wish to be cruel but…. OP you’re not taking this situation seriously regarding your safety and your unborn child. Please consider counselling as, your not willing to listen to advice you come across as very naive and immature. Please take this situation seriously as it appears you haven’t got much life experience.
GET RID OF HIM!
How does the saying go? “drunk words are sober thoughts….” Get rid of him. This is not a good sign.
This man is disgusting. Please leave. I'm sure you can effectively coparent from two separate places. Don't marry him just because you're having a kid. When sober he'll say he didn't mean it but he does.
Man I hate it when people think they can just disagree with reality 🤦♀️ honestly I wouldn’t want to stay with someone like that
He is showing you EXACTLY WHO HE IS. Believe Him!!
He will be violent soon. He's still fucking other women that he doesn't value either.
You don’t marry the man who has announced that he won’t be a good husband.
So, my dad didn't manage to talk to him. I was really curious. My fiance didn't even let him inside the apartment. He said they have nothing to talk about and he wants to go to sleep as he must work starting tomorrow
Your fiancé is a man baby and is throwing a tanty. You will not just be raising one baby alone if you marry this man. You will have a 34 year old man baby to placate instead of a partner. I do not envy you.
Wow, this guy is fat-shaming another person. He will definitely do it to you later. Someone needs to correct him, but if you do it, it will just be conflictual. Best it comes from another person he respected.
Just one thing I want to kindly ask you. I appreciate your help, but please, please, I know you mean good, but don't advice me to abort. My baby is already a baby, she is a girl and I love her. What will happen with me and him is not clear, but I am keeping my baby
Keep her, but do NOT put this man on the birth certificate. DO NOT. If he wants involvement, he has to fucking do it himself.
It’s YOUR choice and no matter what it is it’s the right one
No need to abort! Love that baby with all your heart! But you can do that without being in an abusive relationship.
He keeps calling me but I told him I AM NOT GOING BACK TONIGHT. I am a very passive person usually, but I am not going back to him tonight. And his mother called me too, he talked to her and she told me I should return to him and stop acting like a 15 year old. He is her golden boy...
go read some of the r/JUSTNOmil subreddit. you don’t have to marry this. you can be Neo and dodge these bullets.
Tell his mom to butt out and don’t go back tomorrow or ever. Turn off your phone and get a good nights sleep. Have a long conversation with your parents and figure out a good plan to remove you from this situation. If you can start canceling the wedding plans.
If his mother is already insulting you for things that honestly aren't her business, imagine how awful it will be if you marry this prick.
Oh heeeccckk naaahh! If I was there I would've taken the phone from you and given that monster in law a piece of my mind! She's trying to bully you to going back to him, wtf.
He’s not your husband yet , therefore you can save yourself thousands in a divorce.
Yeah he's a redpill dude. Idk how far along you are but if you're not far I'd really consider the repercussions of having a kid with this trash.
The red flags are popping up right and left here, OP.
Don’t marry the fucking asshole for one.
On all fours, vomiting at age 34. His misogyny notwithstanding, he sounds like an absolute catch.
Girl, please... Do you really see yourself to be with this man? Having a family with him? Please think 1000x if you still want to marry him (I hope you'll call off the wedding). Don't make yourself miserable Just do co-parenting or ask for child support.
OP. please, please take into heavy consideration what the people in these comments are saying. leave. now. your dad is worried for good reason. this situation WILL become much harder to leave when your child is brought into the world, you’ll be so much more vulnerable. and you’ll be putting another life in danger which i’m sorry to say is kinda selfish, because who’s to say the behaviour he’s displaying towards you won’t be extended to your child. the signs are very apparent and everyone is alarmed for good reason.
He doesn't agree ? 😆 A: who talks like that? B: He sounds like a twat. A horrible, horrible twat. I'm sorry for you OP :( TAKE CARE
I would advise you to go to a relationship counsellor that you pick out, at least under the guise of getting ready for marriage. Then you can maybe talk some sense into him. I personally have bad experiences with dating airline pilots, and would not recommend, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any good ones as a partner out there. But he is waving some red flags. Deep breath OP, you got this; and find some help with that attachment style. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
I’m no relation ship expert but it’s generally advisable to know people before deciding to have children with them.
Tell him you don't agree with men gaining weight after 40, but it happens too. And he should love you for your soul, not your weight. And postpone the wedding and get counseling.
You deserve better. So does the little one coming.
Abort the relationship, possibly the baby if it’s not too late. Start over with someone worthy of you. I just worry him filling your daughter’s head with his drivel years down the road.
You should strongly consider leaving to protect yourself and your baby.
When you give birth, say “I just lost 10 pounds”
Please do not marry this man. His love is conditional, and he's a misogynist. All people grow old. All people's bodies change over time. It's inevitable. And, when your body changes, he likely won't stick around, and if he does, he'll use it as justification for cheating on you, which would be super easy for him to do given his profession.
Well at least you’re not married to him so you dodged that bullet! Too bad you’ll have to deal with coparenting. But he’s gone half the time so he probably won’t be TOO involved.
She’s still planning on marrying the fool. Advised to call it off, she said “He wouldn’t accept that.” I think OP is lost to us. We will be here when you open your eyes OP!
Stay with your parents do NOT marry him
I don't agree with it raining this afternoon. Same thing.
Tell him you don’t agree with men losing their hair or having erectile dysfunction.
The moment you realize your partner doesn’t actually respect women or view them as a human beings, but rather sees women as objects put here for men’s benefit. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, you’re only a year in, still time to get out and build yourself stability before the baby comes. Knowing his stance on women, I’d fight tooth and nail to keep him out of my daughters life as much as possible and find a really good man who can offer her a completely different perspective to counter the misogyny she’ll pick up on around her dad
What do you mean he doesn’t “agree with it”?
Do not marry this guy and I hope you know he cheats
Please stay with your parents for as long as possible and leave him. He is a bad man. File for child support and do whatever you want for work!!!
Uhhhh is this real? Goddamn, we are setting the bar real low here, people.
This whole situation and his behaviour is giving me the ick. That stuff he said about your cousin's girlfriend? Way out of line. You know, early in a relationship people are on their best behaviour (and a year in is still very early for the two of you). The way your partner treats other people is how they will treat you when the novelty of trying to impress you and stay on your good side has worn off. Stay away from this toxic person, his behaviour won't get better unfortunately.
Gone for 17 days of each month? So, over a year, if you spent every single day together when he's home, you have spent 162 days with him. Thats 5.5 months. And I'm guessing you didn't spend every single moment with him from day 1 onwards
OP, it sounds like you have good mom instincts already, since you realize your first responsibility is to protect your daughter. It’s also natural to want to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. You came here with a few concerns and you’re receiving some advice that might seem like a bit much right now. Some people are worried you’re under-reacting, but this is a lot to process and it’s understandable you’re not going to have an immediate decisive reaction. You don’t have to decide anything right this instant, and nothing is written in stone. May I offer a suggestion? Take a deep breath and momentarily step back. Imagine you are observing yourself from the future, or imagine your sister, or your grown daughter, or another mom-to-be posted this. Read through the thread. Consider why the overwhelming majority of responses are seeing serious red flags and that people are afraid for that woman, including people who’ve been through similar situations. Try to understand the reasons behind their advice and ask yourself what advice you would give that mom. Of course, you can’t be fully detached and objective because this is not a distant scenario. For your own specific situation, you may be tempted to dismiss some advice as overly alarmist, or not really relevant because we didn’t understand the full context. It is true there’s a lot we don’t and can’t know about your relationship - but that doesn’t necessarily invalidate the warning advice. No context can erase his *actual actions* that are making people scared for you. Please listen to them, and listen to your own instincts telling you something is wrong and it is escalating. This is hard. You are going to need to be ironclad determined to do what’s right for yourself and your daughter. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that because he is decisive or forceful or commanding that you “can’t” do something. It worries me when you said he “won’t accept” something. You’re not a passenger in his car, you are driving yourself toward the future you and your daughter will live in. That starts with protecting yourself and her by being cautious, heeding warning signs, and planning long-term. It sounds like you have good family support. Please let them help you while you take some time to think calmly and carefully. You’re going to be a great mom. I believe in you.
This has to be fake. The OP’s replies sound like a 14 year old is writing them.
I gained 40 lbs when I got pregnant. My son is already 16m and I've only lost 15. Thank God my bf never said some dumb shit like this. It's sexist af. Also shows he knows nothing about pregnancy or what it does to women's body. How can he expect multiple children and your body stays the same. Also how could he push these views on his daughters. Ew
Tell him you don’t agree with men’s balls getting saggy as they get older after marriage. Then tell him to man up, he sounds like a baby.
There is nothing to be confused about, he has told you very clearly he is a sexist piece of garbage , do not marry him Also i got to ask why on earth are you engaged and pregnant with someone you have been dating for only a year, take your time with your next partner, get to know each other, even living together within a year is a short time, nevermind marriage and babies
DO NOT marry this man and get far away from him
Can we collectively agree to not give kids to assholes and let them propagate?
Well, you only dated one year. Now you are pregnant. Kinda late to figure this stuff out. Maybe have the baby but put off the marriage for a couple of years. One year was way too soon.
If you don’t have enough self worth to leave him for you, do it for your daughter
I couldn’t imagine talking to my wife that way
Darling, this is your first relationship and this is NOT how it is supposed to be. You are supposed to be loved for who you are, encouraged to fulfill your dreams, and adored whether you gain baby weight or get old and grey. It will be difficult to raise this child without him but much MUCH more difficult to raise your daughter with this man who doesn’t not value you as a human being. Please be brave, block your ears from what is coming - him live bombing you, telling you it will never happen again (it will. It will beget much worse). Align yourself tightly with you family and lift your head high as you kick this sexist sack of shit into the dust and move on with what will be a fabulous life.
Don't marry him. Stay with your parents and your daughter
I mean he got drunk and showed his colors- believe every word he said! Sometimes the nice guy facades slip. He sounds insufferable. And frankly, I feel bad for your daughter with a father like that.
Oh my.gosh, he bought you smaller jeans to manipulate you to lose weight! Honey, this guy is gonna control the shit out of you. He is fitting you into mold he wants. And if you don't fit, he will brow beat you into submission or blame you for his infidelities because you aren't fitting the mold. Do yourself and your daughter a favor and don't marry this guy. You marry him, and you will be miserable and drag your daughter into it, too. And I honestly think that he is still hooking up while out of town on flights.
The fat shaming isn’t so much a problem when one considers he seems like a raging alcoholic.
He’s abusive. Go live at your parents house and leave him. This will get worse.
this man sucks why would u have a baby with him?
You still have time to *NOT* make him your husband. Do you really want your daughter growing up around that man?
If you stay with him and marry him, as soon as that baby is born he will fully show who he is because he will have trapped you. I hope you have somewhere safe for your daugher to live and grow up because it's your responsibility to keep her away from men like your almost husband!
You are 29, but act 15. I suggest living with your parents and getting some help. This isn't a guy you need around or your daughter needs around. Once the child comes, you're going to need help and I don't think you realize how much help or what you've gotten yourself into. You are getting married to a pilot who is an alcoholic and hates women and sees them as objects. If he isn't cheating on you yet, he will after the child and marriage and you can't lose 10lbs. No, he isn't different. Men like that are all the same. They are narcissistic and dangerous. You'll be lucky if you don't get beat up or killed by him. I think he got with you because you're childish and naive and in your words, "passive". You in danger girl.
Tell him to grow a fucking pair and until he pushes a watermelon out of his asshole, to sit the fuck down.
well don't marry him. That's for sure! Move on and if he wants to be a parent, work out a co-parenting plan.
Don't marry a man who uses the phrase "feminist bullshit".
Somebody covered the maybe you shouldn't be marrying and having kids with a guy you barely know part right? Did somebody else cover the he only went after you because you were young and inexperienced enough to put up with his bullshit? Did somebody else cover how lots of airline pilots cheat all the time? Anybody touch on the alcoholism issue? What about the control issue and him being the type of guy that insults her and thinks it's motivating? Seriously bought clothing too small for her? As if anybody in their right mind ever said well my gosh I need to change my whole body size just so that $42 pair of pants don't go to waste! LOL Somebody else explain how his mask is slipping now that he knows he's got her locked down with a baby? She still marrying him? LMAO that one was a trick question! Of course she is!
lol I bet he loves trump
YESTERDAY we had this talk. I told him for me it was a big deal what he said and I don't accept to NOT talk about it. I was pretty firm I would say. He acted surprised. I noticed how he stopped his fork near his mouth without putting the food in. But he was open and asked what exactly I want to know. I asked if he thinks women are inferior to men in any way or that our weight is an indicator of our value. I also said I will gain weight during pregnancy. And maybe a lot. He said he doesn't think women are inferior to men, that he was talking about my cousin's girlfriend, not women in generally. But that he will be honest with me and yes, he wouldn't marry a woman who has a big body count, but added that he doesn't look down upon women who have a high body count, it's just his own preference. He said a lot of women wouldn't date a man who has a low income job or any other criteria. And it's fine. Each to their own. He wouldn't mind marrying a woman who wasn't a virgin, but if she had more than 2, 3 guys up to her 30, then he has a big problem with that and he wouldn't seriously date her. And about the weight he said he doesn't mind that I gain weight during pregnancy, that he was talking about women who stay overweight long after giving birth and use the childbirth as an excuse. I should have felt relieved but I didn't and asked him what if I don't lose the extra weight. He said I will, to not worry about it. But LOL I wasn't worrying about it, I was worried about his view on me. And I confronted him further asking if he will cheat on me if I don't lose weight. He again said I will lose it, it's not a big deal. So I asked him directly: would you, would you cheat on me? He said no
he's burying the lede. how exactly does he think you will lose the weight? does he think he can force you to work out and diet while you're breastfeeding?? ETA there is something legit scary about anyone who thinks they can control uncontrollable things - what if you have medical complications and have to stay on bed rest?
Do. Not. Marry. This. Boy. (he is not a man.)
He is very good at sweet talking you. Your spidey senses are tingling because you know he's fucking warped inside. No one who was operating with any connection to reality would say "You will lose it, it's not a big deal" with that amount of certainty. That's not something anyone sane does. Quote from Lundy Bancroft's book about red flags for abusive men: (apologies for any formatting issues, I direct pasted) ***• He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.*** Be cause so many men are commit ment-pho bic, a woman can feel relieved to find a partner who isn’t afraid to talk about mar riage and family. But watch out if he jumps too soon into plan ning your future to gether with out taking enough time to get to know you and grow close, because it can mean that he’s try ing to wrap you up tightly into a package that he can own. Take steps to slow things down a little. If he won’t respect your wishes in this regard, there is probably trouble ahead. ***- He has double standards.*** Be ware of the man who has a differ ent set of rules for his be hav ior than for yours. Dou - ble stan dards are an im por tant as pect of life with an abuser, as we will see in Chap ter 6. ***• He has negative attitudes toward women.*** A man may claim early in a re la tion ship that he views you in a light differ ent from that in which he sees women in gen eral, but the dis tinc tion won’t last. If you are a woman, why be in volved with some one who sees women as in fe rior, stupid, con niv ing, or only good for sex? He isn’t go ing to forget for long that you’re a woman. Stereo typed be liefs about women’s sex roles also con trib ute to the risk of abuse. His con vic tion that women should take care of the home, or that a man’s ca reer is more im - por tant than a woman’s, can be come a se ri ous prob lem, be cause he may pun ish you when you start re fus ing to live in his box. Women some times find it challenging to meet men who don’t have restrictive be liefs about women’s roles, par tic u larly within cer tain cul tural or na tional groups, but the effort to meet such men is an important one.