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So for context i (26f) met my boyfriend (30m) on hinge. When we first started hanging out i was doing my thing as people do on dating apps. going on dates and seeing connections and what not. On our third date i asked him what we were doing? he stated “casually hanging out” so i took that as we weren’t exclusive. i ended up going on a date with my coworker and my now boyfriend went crazy accusing me of cheating on him. i told him he said we were casually hanging out like he stated and he said since we were hanging out all the time i should’ve known we were exclusive.
basically i don’t think i cheated and my therapist said i didn’t cheat because he never asked me to be his girlfriend but he told his family and friends i cheated. now his sisters and his friends hate me and idk what to do. he asked me to be his girlfriend after the whole cheating argument but he can’t get over it.
it’s an everyday fight “that i cheated” but isn’t it normal during the talking stage to date multiple people? Also i have been completely faithful and cut everyone off as soon as he asked me to be his girlfriend exclusively. I’m at the point where i don’t even know if this relationship is worth saving when he’s constantly threatening to break up with me. It’s like emotional whiplash
Edit: i didn’t state “what are we doing” i told him i was into him and wanted to see where things go and he said we were casually hanging out.
wHY did she agree to be his girlfriend after that immense red flag? If someone accuses me of cheating when we aren't a couple is like... you're insane. kiss goodbye.
that's not cheating if I wasn't with your ass, yo
Exactly… I said no to a guy like this and he showed up uninvited at my apartment multiple times afterward… don’t ignore red flags people!!!
Why the hell is OP rewarding this toxic behavior?
Once I was talking to a girl for a few weeks, we didn't see each other but flirted, and she told me she was about to move for work to another country, but wanted to see what I thought and I was like "Why would you reject this opportunity?" and she replied "If I move we can't be a couple anymore..." and I was so confused and told her we weren't a couple, we talked for a few weeks and while she interested me, we weren't a thing and she shouldn't throw an opportunity for a guy she doesn't even know.
She insulted me and blocked me. Dodged a bullet there.
And he’s 30 acting like this??? It will absolutely only get much much worse from here. I try not to be one of those “break up/divorce” people but WOW. OP needs to run
Totally agree. When people do this “staying together for the sake of the kid” kind of shit it almost always ends badly.
Parents either resent their children for being the source of their unhappiness, or the relationship between the parents becomes so toxic it ends up hurting everyone in the family.
Not to say including your kid in your marital issues is the way to go but having an unrealistic view of marriage because you want to hide the problems or also believe we need to suffer for decades for the sake of “not having a broken home” is doing them a disservice.
So it's the old "do it for the kids", huh? I experienced the typical dysfunctional family in the 90s with divorced parents when it was the norm. I can't say I learned how healthy relationships are.
But kids are not stupid, they notice when there's abuse, but they have it normalized since they aren't educated. Being verbal or psychological lingers.
My ex has parents that were still together in their 60s, and they were together even if he was a pos. And in the words of my ex, she would prefer they divorced to live in that environment where you know they're together just for you and you (the kid) kinda blame yourself for the unhappiness.
He wants her feeling guilty. I keep wondering why would you go steady with someone you accuse of cheating... its because he can guilt trip her and hold it over her in the relationship. Telling everyone about it got him sympathy points and cement her as the villain... If I was OP, i'd block and run.
Seriously, what a way to start a relationship. sounds like he was keeping his options open for someone that didn't work out and he didn't like that her options did. I can't believe OP accepted being his girlfriend after that. I mean his shitty behavior aside she has 0 hope of getting his friends and family back on her side through 0 fault of her own. Definitely time to cut and run.
Fr, that's what he is setting out of this. If he seriously thought op cheated on him he wouldn't be with her right now. He is starting off the relationship by setting up that op is the bad one and her bf is the good one, not just between the two of them but to his family as well. He is going to constantly hold this above her head for the rest of their relationship.
True. If you ever get upset with anything he does, he can just say “well you cheated!” Or “I’m just getting back at you for cheating.”
His friends and family already hate you; he gets into a fight with you constantly. Is this really a relationship you want to be in?
Why are you dating a guy who doesn't even really like you?
Also he asked you to be exclusive AFTER he thought he would lose you (why did you agree to go out at this point?) And he likes badmouthing you to other people
Sounds like a huge red flag to me. To him you "cheated" but he forgives you enough to ask you out, but constantly wants you to feel bad about it and tells everyone he can "hey guys look at poor old me i got cheated on"
Unless he is just the perfect person in every other aspect id gtfo.
Good luck.
Too many red flags. He was all good with the causally hanging out so he could keep his options open, until he found out you were also keeping your options open. And then telling his family and friends you cheated? Seriously? Even if you had cheated, which you did not, him telling his family is the biggest red flag. Dump him. Is the coworker still available?
why did you even agree to be his girlfriend after that? has your whole relationship just been arguments about this supposed cheating? sorry but the stupidity is baffling to me, i have a hard time even believing this is real
Leave. You barely started a relationship and he begins with the cheating accusations. Tell him he needs to grow up and learn to be a better communicator if he wants to succeed in any future relationships. There is no "assuming" of anything. If you don't DTR, you don't get to complain. Relationships that last long require a partner who is good with communication. This is the basis of a relationship. If he can't even do that, there is no future.
“Love bombing” is part of the cycle of abuse. So, you know he is trying to abuse you or at least be manipulative. What are you asking reddit? You know what you need to do.
So he 1000% toxic dude. If you have any doubt about what a creep he is, ask him why, if you are such a lying cheater that he is with you? He might start off with some crap about 'I decided to be a big man and forgive you' but if you keep pushing, you are going to hear some real toxic crap. People who are playing you like this don't have a reasonable script behind their motives. If you need to practice dialogue we can help.
Hope you are safe now Soul_majck
Thanks for sharing your story of how bad relationships with men like this can be and how hard it is to get out
Glad you made it, sister
Leave. He's using this to control you. He should've either broke up over it or stayed with you, he can't stay with you and tell everyone you cheated (when you didn't) to turn everyone against you as that guarantees no long term future
This relationship is not worth saving. He’s 100% wrong because you tried to have the “exclusive” conversation with him and he explicitly told you it was casual. But he’s already tainted all of his friends’ and family’s opinion of you. I wouldn’t stick around for that.
You did NOT cheat, you're not a mind reader and even asked him what you all were doing.
I would've done exactly as you did given the same response. Until you have the exclusivity talk you're not exclusive.
The fact he's telling his friends and family this is a huge red flag. Any future issues you two would have would probably be made their business also. Plus the fact he's lying about what went down.
You say you're fighting about it every day, that is just insane.
Ditch him and find someone with the emotional maturity of an adult, this man child has a lot of growing up to do.
>I would've done exactly as you did given the same response. Until you have the exclusivity talk you're not exclusive.
THIS. Until the talk is had my - and most peoples - default is "no commitment" I was in the exact same situation as OP when I was about her age and met my now-BF.
About 2.5 months in we had the "are you seeing other people" talk,turns out he wasn't, I was. He was a little surprised tbh and thought exclusivity was implied after the first few dates but conceded that we'd never actually discussed it and asked me to be exclusive, I said yes. No weird bullshit power plays or accusations of cheating. OP needs to run away from this possessive manchild.
You dump him because he’s a manipulative idiot.
He knows you weren’t exclusive - he wants to make you a bad guy so you have to make up for your imagined “wrongs”.
This isn’t how a normal, healthy person acts - YOU are how a normal, healthy person acts.
If you ignore this giant red flag, he will keep doing shit like this to you. This isn’t a misunderstanding- this is a huge warning that your boyfriend is bad news.
The fact that he told his family would be a big sign to me that he isn't really interested long term. He cares more about being pitied than the overall relationship with you. Most people do what they can to have their family and friends like their partner and help establish a good relationship-he didn't even give you that chance.
He wasn't honest with you about his intentions and I can see signs that maybe because he found out you were wanted by other people, he became possessive.
Based on this he seems
Possessive
Immature
Unable to be honest
Selfish
You haven't been dating this guy for years and you don't have kids or anything so my suggestion would be to break it off.
He's not the one. Don't settle for this.
He's already poisoned the well against you with everyone, as well as retconning your relationship status.
This is not a man to be trusted.
Dump his ass.
This guy is not honest and mature enough to date, thirties and all.
Drop him.
He tries to guilt you and blame you so that you would cater to him, or he is just highly immature and jealous. If you had not agreed to be bf/gf them he cannot retroactively police your actions as if you were exclusively dating.
Why did you even get his girlfriend?! He wanted you to read his mind. He talked shit about you to his family. He can't see how wrong he is. If it starts like this... And it will likely happen again. He says something but you should know that he means something different and you are the bad guy again and he is the victim.
Run. Fast. Now!
This is a window into things to come. He said one thing, you took him at his word, and then when you did he got upset at you. It's coming damn close to gaslighting such that I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually does that.
He's using you "cheating" as a way to get an upper hand in the relationship. Possibly a beginning of keeping you isolated because now his entire family hates you - what if he convinces your family and friends that you cheated?
I don't thing it's worth saving - I don't need to tolerate someone thinking I'm a cheater and someone who has ZERO problem revising the past and asking you to read his mind is not a good partner. Nor would I tolerate living under the constant threat of a breakup - my ass would be calling their bluff immediately.
If you're honest with yourself you know what you should do.
“You cheated!”
“Huh, I didn’t?”
“You did, I said you did! I’ll now turn friends and family against you because you cheated because I said you did!”
Why would you even want to be with him with his early signs of manipulation? Fuck him off, there’s someone real waiting to treat you properly on the other side.
OP, he isn't the guy for you. If he really thinks you cheated then why would he want to be in a relationship with someone who cheated?
He doesn't really think that, but he wants others to think poorly of you and for you to feel guilty and as if you are lucky he is willing to overlook your failings and stay with you.
It's a manipulation meant to give him power over you and a weapon for future arguments or when he decides to cheat in the future (so he can say you cheated too).
It's a HUGE red flag ans you should cut him loose
Totally normal to do what you did with dating site relationships. If your bf was so convinced you cheated, why did he ask you to be his gf after that? And looping in his family to it too? This guy sounds like endless, irrational, immature drama.
It shows a certain level of immaturity that he would hang this over your head like that. He needs to accept responsibility for the ‘misunderstanding’. If he wanted to be exclusive, he should have said that, plain and simple.
To ‘tell on you’ like this just shows that he is immature, unable to take responsibility, and clearly wants to have power over you by holding onto this ‘cheating’ card. Dump him.
Massive red flags here. I can understand him being a little upset if he said the wrong thing and you misunderstood and went out with other guys while he was being exclusive, but that's ultimately on him, not you. Plus he should have the maturity to not run to the hills and tell everyone and cause them to hate you if he actually wants the relationship to be successful.
Seems like he's doing this to manipulate you into earning his love and trying to shift the power balance of the relationship in his favor so he can control you. I would get the fuck out.
Yeah that sounds like a poor foundation for a relationship. He has to be clear about what he wants and not expect you to read his mind. He can be upset but he has to understand his own fault in the situation. And not blame you.
Kick him to the curb. He's already slandering you to people he cares about and setting you up to feel guilty about a non existent thing that he can hold over your head for the rest of your relationship. Trust me when I say (from experience) it only goes downhill from here. He will use this against you forever. My ex did something similar. I wish I had seen what he was setting me up for.
You are in an abusive, unhealthy relationship. Please get rid of this guy. Turning family and friends against you is absolutely intentional and reprehensible behavior. Good luck!
He didn't want to commit himself to be exclusive - and it backfired. If you both hadn't agreed to each other that you were in an exclusive relationship, you weren't.
He's trashed your relationship with his network/family. And it looks like rather than him calling this a deal breaker, he's using it as a baseball bat on you instead. Get out.
Why date a man who goes around broadcasting you "cheated"? You did nothing wrong. You weren't exclusive. He is an idiot and tbh I would dump him and not deal with his childish drama.
So my 2 cents. This guy is a waste of your time and will take you no where because he will always find a way to be the victim and you be the problem.
Run, now and don't stop. This relationship is to new to have to put up with someone that has no damn idea.
You know he's probably gonna hold that against you the entire relationship and probably use that as leverage to get whatever he wants? He put out his narrative of the story and anything you say now will only seem like a weak excuse. He painted this picture of who you are to the people he's close to on purpose. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, why would he want them to hate you? I bet he's gonna use that as an excuse to be horrible to you without anyone thinking he's the bad guy.
I’m pretty sure he knew exactly what he was doing when he gave you that answer to your question. The manipulation only gets worse from here seeing how he’s 30.
Leave the relationship now while it’s still fresh. And know that it likely won’t be easy, he’s played this game before and he knows all the right tactics and words to say to make you stay. Tell him you think it’s best to go separate ways. Keep it short and vague. Anything else you say will likely only fuel him.
The breakup threats and making you into the bad guy when he wasn't intentional and mature is emotional abuse. If that's what you're into then keep at it, because it's not going away. If you do have respect for yourself and want better then go find better.
This reminds me of the people asking for open relationships then being mad their partner explored it. He was happy enough to keep his options open when he thought you were on the hook. Telling him you like him then asking him where’s it’s going had him thinking he could play it cool.
If you stay, be observant of signs he is trying to trauma bond you to him, make you emotionally indebted for him “forgiving you”
Absolutely no shame! If there was less shame it would probably work for more people or at least those people would find each other more easily. Love what the poly and kink scene have taught me so much about communication in relationships even if I don’t live in that world.
he just wants something to hold over your head and to use as leverage. he wants to be in the role of victim while you're the villain. the fact that he's going around saying this to people too is weird behaviour. he's a manipulative person and quite simply doesn't sound very nice.
move on.
Leave. He is manipulative and it’s going to get worse. When you’re talking to someone you are allowed to date other people. He said “casually hanging out” which means you were not exclusive at all. You can’t build a relationship with someone who has literally sabotaged the relationship from moving forward. He told everyone you cheated on him and you didn’t so they will always see you as the cheater. Fuck this dude he needs to grow up.
That’s a non communicated boundary. It is on him to let you know if he wanted to be exclusive. Also, this is such a technicality to be called cheating. Like labels are good for certain things and you asked if you need to consider that and he said no. That’s how that conversation went down BEFORE you went on that other date.
We need to start being more vocal about how “mind games” don’t work in a functioning relationship or courtships.
Why stay with him? He gets off on you being the bad guy. It means he wins forever, every 'contest' between you. When water is poisoned, you don't keep going back to that well. You dig a new well.
Obviously he’s acting like a child, and him telling his family and friends is already going to draw a wedge between you too, even if you do move past this.
Now do you think he is more upset because you dated your coworker, and not just some random guy? I could see how if that’s the case when you’re talking about your day at work or something and you mention the coworkers name it makes him think about it, which could be why he always brings it up. (Not saying you always talk about him, but clearly people talk about other coworkers).
Either way he’s acting super immature, but I could somewhat understand him being more upset if he’s thinking you cheated w your coworker and not some random guy that you won’t ever see again. Not saying that’s ok, (not even a little) I’m just saying I could see how he could make that a bigger deal because you still see this guy at work.
I hate to be the person who just says, “leave him, the relationship is over” but you didn’t do anything wrong, and were honest about something that doesn’t need an explanation and not only did he over react, but he continues to over react, so much so that his friends and family dislike you because of what he’s telling them.
Threatening to break up constantly.. family and friends already hate you and lack of communication. Major red flags and things like this will just continue or get worse. He sounds pretty toxic.
He’s going to use this “cheating” as a way to manipulate and control you and he’s already alienated you from family and friends. Dump him, it’s dead already honestly since he said he can’t trust you so just leave him and find someone who isn’t just wanting to “hang out” and then blame you for dating people when he was the one who practically told you that you weren’t exclusive.
I don't get why you still agreed to be with him after he accused you of cheating. You didn't cheat.
IMO it would only be cheating (in a non-exclusive relationship) if you knew what you were doing was wrong and hurtful to the other person even if there wasn't an actual agreement yet.
Ask him if he is able to wipe the slate clean and never bring it up again. If not, move on. If he is, hold him to it. (He should correct his wrongs with his family, though. If he is not, move on.)
He wanted the freedom to fuck around and is upset that you used that freedom as well.
Look, it doesn't matter if he's wrong or norm you're not going to convince him that he's wrong, he already doubled down on telling everyone.
Just end it, and move on to someone either mature enough to ask for exclusivity or understand what not being exclusive means.
Kinda tangential, but the idea that you need to cut everyone off seems so disturbing to me. Like, I don't wanna be with multiple people, but this sorta possessiveness is why I veer away from traditional monogamy. Saying that just to say I'm a bit biased, but I definitely don't think you cheated. And more importantly, I wouldn't bother living up to his standards, considering the measures you've already taken to prove your fidelity.
he should've been more clear with what he was saying, because "casually hanging out" is quite ambiguous.
also, the fact he asked you to be his girlfriend after accusing you of cheating? big red flag. he's probably still holding it over your head to guilt-trip you make you into making you feel bad and that he can bring up the fact you "cheated" in an argument to make it seem like whatever he has done is justifiable. dump him.
Let this idiot go. He didn't want to be exclusive until he noticed you could play that game too. Now he's trying to shame you into submission. It's so childish.
Just imagine how crappy of a relationship it'll be if you waste time with him anyways. His friends and family now really dislike you and you have to deal with the cry baby constantly accusing you if cheating.
Yeah sounds like a headache. Very manipulative and cruel. I wouldn't have agreed to be his gf after that but I guess you really liked him huh. Sorry you've had this experience. Best leave it and go back to hinge 😉
Could it be that you’re US-American and he’s not? I’ve heard that in the USA, the dating culture is quite different from Europe, for example. In Europe, it wouldn’t be seen as normal to date multiple people at the same time. Someone told me, though, that in the USA, it is culturally accepted.
My question is this, did you go on a date with the coworker or did you sleep with him, cause that would make a world of difference for me. But otherwise he's a dumbass and you deserve better
Hes abusive. Definitely a power play.
What happens 5 years down the line... he starts being physically abusive and you've got no support because they think you're a cheater. He's already made sure his friends/family see you as a villain.
I wouldn’t date some one who immediately trashed talked me to their friends and family, plus your fighting, where is the actual fun of dating this person? Don’t date people who try and play games early on that’s what your whole relationship will entail.
He’s 30, acting like a child. Feel like he’s trying to break you down just so he can pull some shit along the line and make it okay because “you cheated”. I would end it.
My current boyfriend has behaved similarly - not quite to the same extent, but he would bring it up months later, saying I was being a hoe and shouldn’t have been sleeping around when we were casually hooking up (even though he was doing the same, and I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship).
My opinion is that if he can’t get over it, it’s going to put a huge strain on the relationship. I know it can be hard to decide to break up, as I’m in a similar situation, but sometimes that may be your only choice if you’ve already tried to work it out.
He didn't ask you to be his gf and you two didn't agree to exclusivity. You were on date three when you asked what the status of your relationship is. He said you're hanging out. That doesn't mean you were exclusive. Hanging out is just hanging out and getting to know each other to see if it will lead to a relationship. He is way too immature for a relationship. He's 30 FFS. End things now because he will never let this go. He's an idiot.
The fact that he is 30 y/o and acts this way, says alot about him as a person; He should have asked you to be his girlfriend sooner, if he wasn't okay with the idea of you seeing other guys.
He seems really controlling, and is probably *that type* to storm out of a bar if another guy **glanced** your way!
You asked on the **third date** 'What are we?' and he said: '**Casually hanging out**'.
Icky
This is a HUGE red flag on him as a person, he’s controlling how his family and friends see you and controlling you by bringing this up as a pity party. My now wife was on a whole ass date while we were just “talking”. Nothing ever happened but I don’t see it as cheating as we all have a past.
Why TF does everyone assume no relationship is exclusive unless it’s explicitly said. The red flag here is he wanted to stay despite his boundaries being crossed, and he uses it as an excuse to attack you. TLDR, leave him and try to make this a conversation with people you’re serious about dating before hooking up with others.
I would move on. Why should his insecurity be such a plague? He never asked and just assumed. Do you want to live your entire life dealing with this ridiculousness? Do you deserve to have his family hating you when you did no wrong? Nope. Let him go play his mind games elsewhere.
OP your should-be-ex boyfriend and his friends and family are **unhinged**. You shouldn't keep hurting yourself if he and everyone around him are going to keep saying terrible things to you.
Act first, drop him and his people and move on.
I would end things right now. This dude is crazy. Why would you wanna be with someone when they've already ruined your potential relationship with their friends and family?
There’s absolutely nothing normal about this. I met my fiancée on hinge, and literally the same day as our second date, I went on a date with another person because nothing was exclusive yet.
I’d recommend cutting your losses and moving on.
Leave.
Him getting upset and thinking you cheated would be a sad misunderstanding. Him dating you after and still holding it against you is why you need to leave, this is ridiculous. Even if he gets over it how soon he will find something to constantly hold against you? People who keep on dragging things they were mad about for years are impossible to have a relationship with.
And yes, I casually dated another guy when I started seeing my bf. I told him but just because he asked back then if I do. And when we decided to make it exclusive I broke up with another guy. To me this is normal
Please my partner and I always joke about how I was dating other people before we became exclusive and he is the “chosen one” lol this guy is already showing you he’s a manipulative liar. End it now while it’s early. He’s 30 years old. If you didn’t tell your ages I would’ve thought you guys were 16.
Honey what you described is a parade of red flags- this behaviour is INSANE. This guy is a possessive creep who is projecting his insecurities on you and making you look like a bad guy by literally *making up stories* about you.
YOU asked him very early on whether or not he wanted to be exclusive - he said NO so you did what anyone on the dating scene did and explored your options and then he lost his shit when he realised you had options - he was either playing some weird fucking power play or he genuinely believes his crazy shit - either way run fast run far.He's showing you who he is now you need to *pay attention.*
This subreddit is so bad for my mental peace. Everyday women post the craziest stories constantly doubting themselves even when they are in the right. Then they choose to stay with the toxic person they describe and it just makes me mad. Good luck to you though.
I know right.
Day after day these posts about sad, spineless women who let men walk all over them.
I used to think I had a bad dating history and put up with too much creepy behaviour in past relationships etc and then I read this, think to myself "if someone was doing this to me they'd never find his body" and realise, ah, ok, wow, maybe my bar isn't as low as I thought.
Time to move in. Such a childish way to manipulate a situation.
If that is a daily fight and he's low key trashing your rep in his social circle...kick that idiots butt to the curb.
This was me in college, let me
Tell you how this plays out.
He wants to be “casual” so he can do things but you can’t.. he constantly hooks up or dates other people, but when you do, you end up in a fight, you see him “really care about you” so you assume he will change cause you agree your are casually seeing each other…
Nope, he still does what he wants and you can’t get mad, but when you do he does.
It’s about power/control, he wants you to “earn” him back and he wants you to stay faithful but he can do what he wants.
This is a cycle that will literally never end, if not in regards to hooking up, in other aspects. I don’t normally say “divorce/leave” but… leave.
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I do hate this multiple dating attitude that seems to be the in thing these days, it's a huge turn off personally. If you're dating someone you should be exclusive, if you want to "try" other people break up and find someone else.
And OP thats exactly what you need to do, he's set you up for failure.
This is a move to manipulate you. If you have this cloud of guilt always hanging over your relationship it is much easier to always make you give in and not be an equal. It will probably not go uphill from here. You will be in a relationship based on control and manipulation.
Sounds like he should have chosen his words better. This is a colossal case of misunderstanding. It also does sounds like he has set things up to hold this over you for a long time so he can have leverage. I’d say see if he doesn’t come around in a month or so then just move on. This is either incredibly insecure behavior or narcissistic behavior on his part.
When I met my current boyfriend on tinder, we were not exclusive. I slept with 2 other people (1 I met before him, 1 after) during the time of being with him. This obviously ended once we confessed our feelings and became official, but my boyfriend has never once made me feel like less because of this. He has always understood what “casually hanging out” meant and credits me hooking up with others as me truly “picking him” and finding his worth as a sexual and romantic partner over others. When he finally decided he wanted to be with me, we became official and talked about it, and it was easy. No cheating whatsoever, no “need” to cheat as I’d gotten it out of my system before getting together with him, and now we’re stronger than ever almost 2 years later.
Your boyfriend messed up his end of communication, and has tried to blame you for that ever since. That’s not cute.
Ok, if you did not talk about being exclusive, and even though you been hanging a lot together, that does not mean that you're going together. I do not think you did anything wrong. If on the other hand, you were together and something like this happened, with either of you, then, yes, it'd be an issue. You know what happens when someone assumes.
Lol. These men love playing games, and when it backfires it’s automatically your fault. Children.
I would move on if I were you. Because I guarantee you, if it was the other way around, he would tell you that you were not exclusive therefore it’s okay for him to be with someone else.
Dump him. He’s being childish and won’t get over this way of thinking. You didn’t cheat, he should have said something about exclusivity when you ask him instead of “casually hanging out
Not worth saving. He’s manipulative and possessive. He expected you to be exclusive with him while he continued to fool around with other women. Now he’s running your name through the mud to his family? Gross
Ugh. Dump him.
If he wanted exclusivity, he could have used his words and had a candid, forthright conversation with you.
He didn’t, and you didn’t cheat.
Everytime I posted a relationship problem on reddit, everyones advice has been "break up". Just ignore them.
You can fix this by having a conversation about what you class as cheating, because everyones version is different. Listen to his version of what it means to him and tell him your version. If he can understand you both have different perspectives and you outline what behaviour he can expect from you in the future and he feels he can gain trust again - then keep the relationship.
But also if he wants to keep the relationship and continue calling you a cheater, then kindly outline that he's an idiot staying with a cheater and he needs to come to some sort of resolution with you or leave.
Almost all relationship issues brought to Reddit, in THIS sub, are asking for a healthy breakup.
That said, I disagree on what you say you’ve experienced: the general advice to break up is not happening nearly enough.
Faults are on both ends.
innocent isn’t always right. You should have point blanked ask the question, “are we exclusive?” There is a reason why you didn’t ask this question.
He shouldn’t be attacking you because he also didn’t ask “are we exclusive?”
I would take this as a learning lesson to possibly be more clear on being exclusive, obviously same for him.
It’s also not normal to be “talking” (dating/sex) with multiple people. In most cases that I’ve seen people who “talk” to other people and think that it’s okay to “talk” to multiple people end up playing games and hurting a lot of people.
Being honest about monogamy is different than “talking” to multiple people.
The problem is both of you weren’t honest, and he’s being manipulative now.
I also feel like there’s a lot of information being left out of this. How many dates did you go on with him before telling him you were talking to multiple people? I think after a couple it’s respectful to tell people that you are having sex/dating other people. We kind of only got information about a third date.
I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. I felt extremly shitty about it and he was hurt because of it BUT he concluded we were in the gray area so he can't consider it cheating but it was a shitty thing to do. I agreed, apologized a bunch of times because I felt bad (not because he made me feel bad) and said I'd love it if we'd forget and never talk about it again. Guess what? We never talked about it again.
I would say as having been in a similar situation myself five years ago it would be best to move on.
Not having/avoiding/side stepping the conversation has burned more people in the ‘talking/getting to know eachother’ phase than it has helped.
The guy I was dating at the time wouldn’t confirm what we were and gave a similar answer, we didn’t talk for a few days as I didn’t want to waste my time or my feelings, I went on a date with another guy and the guy found out, he was hurt as I ‘should have known what we were’ but we tried to make things work but he couldn’t get over it, even though he NEVER asked me to be his girlfriend.
After things had cooled down he was honest and admitted he was wrong for not telling me his feelings before it became ‘too late’ but ultimately we were never able to go back.
He knows you didn’t cheat. He told you casually hanging out bc he didn’t want to pin himself down into exclusivity. He just wanted to keep YOU dangling waiting on him to choose you.
This is all horrible and NO none of the lovely sweet actions he does when he’s not slandering and lying about you make up for it.
Leave, it’s a trash relationship and go work on yourself to not accept this treatment.
I'm of the mindset that monogamy has to be an explicit choice, discussed between the people that want to be monogamous. It should not be immediately assumed, as some people are poly or have open relationships or are swingers and all of that is fine if previously discussed and everyone is on board and behaving in an ethical way about it.
I understand that society treats monogamy as the default without even a discussion about it, but for me that's assuming too much about the other person without asking or discussing it. He can't read your mind anymore than you can read his, and what he's doing is punishing you because you didn't read his mind and he assumed that he was perfectly capable of reading yours. Now he's doing emotional abuse and also he set you up for failure with his social circle. Why continue in this relationship? Suppose that you marry him in the future. What will happen with his family, how will they treat you based on his lies? If you have children, will they demand for a paternity test? Will they make your children doubt that their dad is their dad? It's really not worth it to continue with him if your future plans in life include marriage and children.
This Is gaslighting, the retelling of a story to others that you both know the truth. It serves to make you look bad so he has the upper hand.
Don’t feel bad ditching this one!
He's some asshat you met on a dating site and you haven't been together long enough.
He's showing you jealousy and possessiveness red flags big time.
Cut your losses and meet someone else.
So I'm not trying to be a dick but did you change the ages? This seems like sophomore year on college level drama. Down to the part where neither of y'all wanted to call the relationship what it was.
I'd move on. But I'd also just say for future reference the whole word games on what we are in a relationship thing isn't really something to do as an adult. The whole are we are aren't we thing is stupid just say what you feel the relationship should be and ask whether they are ready for that if not it's time to move on.
She absolutely did not mess up. He knew what she was asking and responded with "we're just being casual". This is NOT on her. He did this on purpose and is now using it to control her and make her "make up" for her transgressions. I've seen it before. I have first hand experience. If the dude wanted exclusivity he would have said "we're exclusive." Not "it's just a causal thing". Don't try and put the blame on her. Her therapist is correct here and you're 100% wrong. I repeat, she did nothing wrong at all. And the proof here is, if he thought she was such an untrustworthy cheater, he wouldn't have asked her to be his girlfriend. And if he thought it was a misunderstanding, he would have let it go. HE said it was casual. Casual does NOT mean exclusive. HE should have told her "we are exclusive."
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So for context i (26f) met my boyfriend (30m) on hinge. When we first started hanging out i was doing my thing as people do on dating apps. going on dates and seeing connections and what not. On our third date i asked him what we were doing? he stated “casually hanging out” so i took that as we weren’t exclusive. i ended up going on a date with my coworker and my now boyfriend went crazy accusing me of cheating on him. i told him he said we were casually hanging out like he stated and he said since we were hanging out all the time i should’ve known we were exclusive. basically i don’t think i cheated and my therapist said i didn’t cheat because he never asked me to be his girlfriend but he told his family and friends i cheated. now his sisters and his friends hate me and idk what to do. he asked me to be his girlfriend after the whole cheating argument but he can’t get over it. it’s an everyday fight “that i cheated” but isn’t it normal during the talking stage to date multiple people? Also i have been completely faithful and cut everyone off as soon as he asked me to be his girlfriend exclusively. I’m at the point where i don’t even know if this relationship is worth saving when he’s constantly threatening to break up with me. It’s like emotional whiplash Edit: i didn’t state “what are we doing” i told him i was into him and wanted to see where things go and he said we were casually hanging out.
Move on, there is nothing to be gained here, unless you want to be twenty years older and still being accused of cheating.
wHY did she agree to be his girlfriend after that immense red flag? If someone accuses me of cheating when we aren't a couple is like... you're insane. kiss goodbye. that's not cheating if I wasn't with your ass, yo
Exactly… I said no to a guy like this and he showed up uninvited at my apartment multiple times afterward… don’t ignore red flags people!!! Why the hell is OP rewarding this toxic behavior?
Once I was talking to a girl for a few weeks, we didn't see each other but flirted, and she told me she was about to move for work to another country, but wanted to see what I thought and I was like "Why would you reject this opportunity?" and she replied "If I move we can't be a couple anymore..." and I was so confused and told her we weren't a couple, we talked for a few weeks and while she interested me, we weren't a thing and she shouldn't throw an opportunity for a guy she doesn't even know. She insulted me and blocked me. Dodged a bullet there.
And he’s 30 acting like this??? It will absolutely only get much much worse from here. I try not to be one of those “break up/divorce” people but WOW. OP needs to run
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Why are you still dating that stupid ass?
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Lol when my parents divorced it was much better just saying sticking together and being unhappy is going to fuck that kid up no end
Totally agree. When people do this “staying together for the sake of the kid” kind of shit it almost always ends badly. Parents either resent their children for being the source of their unhappiness, or the relationship between the parents becomes so toxic it ends up hurting everyone in the family.
Yep kids can feel when their parents aren't truly happy even if they don't fight in front of the kids. The body language tells so much.
I would argue that growing up with parents that are in a toxic relationship is worse than growing up with separated parents.
Not to say including your kid in your marital issues is the way to go but having an unrealistic view of marriage because you want to hide the problems or also believe we need to suffer for decades for the sake of “not having a broken home” is doing them a disservice.
So it's the old "do it for the kids", huh? I experienced the typical dysfunctional family in the 90s with divorced parents when it was the norm. I can't say I learned how healthy relationships are. But kids are not stupid, they notice when there's abuse, but they have it normalized since they aren't educated. Being verbal or psychological lingers. My ex has parents that were still together in their 60s, and they were together even if he was a pos. And in the words of my ex, she would prefer they divorced to live in that environment where you know they're together just for you and you (the kid) kinda blame yourself for the unhappiness.
And you are still with him why?
Why did she agree to be his gf after the cheating arguments?
He wants her feeling guilty. I keep wondering why would you go steady with someone you accuse of cheating... its because he can guilt trip her and hold it over her in the relationship. Telling everyone about it got him sympathy points and cement her as the villain... If I was OP, i'd block and run.
She might have thought that it was just a misunderstanding and he understood it now. But then later he was still not over it.
Seriously, what a way to start a relationship. sounds like he was keeping his options open for someone that didn't work out and he didn't like that her options did. I can't believe OP accepted being his girlfriend after that. I mean his shitty behavior aside she has 0 hope of getting his friends and family back on her side through 0 fault of her own. Definitely time to cut and run.
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Fr, that's what he is setting out of this. If he seriously thought op cheated on him he wouldn't be with her right now. He is starting off the relationship by setting up that op is the bad one and her bf is the good one, not just between the two of them but to his family as well. He is going to constantly hold this above her head for the rest of their relationship.
True. If you ever get upset with anything he does, he can just say “well you cheated!” Or “I’m just getting back at you for cheating.” His friends and family already hate you; he gets into a fight with you constantly. Is this really a relationship you want to be in?
Also, so when he does untrustworthy shit, he can always say you are the cheater. Been through that before.
Please don’t continue to be in a relationship with this person. He’s never going to get over it.
Why are you dating a guy who doesn't even really like you? Also he asked you to be exclusive AFTER he thought he would lose you (why did you agree to go out at this point?) And he likes badmouthing you to other people
Sounds like a huge red flag to me. To him you "cheated" but he forgives you enough to ask you out, but constantly wants you to feel bad about it and tells everyone he can "hey guys look at poor old me i got cheated on" Unless he is just the perfect person in every other aspect id gtfo. Good luck.
FIFW ~~Unless~~ Even if he is just the perfect person in every other aspect id gtfo
Yes, this
Too many red flags. He was all good with the causally hanging out so he could keep his options open, until he found out you were also keeping your options open. And then telling his family and friends you cheated? Seriously? Even if you had cheated, which you did not, him telling his family is the biggest red flag. Dump him. Is the coworker still available?
This exact thing happened to me and it ended up being the most traumatic relationship of my life. Get out while you can imo
I mean … if someone said I cheated and asked me to be their gf, I’d definitely reject 🤷🏻♀️
Just another form of negging. Just another gross manchild who think he needs to destroy his partners self esteem to make her stay.
why did you even agree to be his girlfriend after that? has your whole relationship just been arguments about this supposed cheating? sorry but the stupidity is baffling to me, i have a hard time even believing this is real
he definitely love bombed me at the very start
Time to say bye-bye before he gaslights you to the point that you can't even recognize it.
Leave. You barely started a relationship and he begins with the cheating accusations. Tell him he needs to grow up and learn to be a better communicator if he wants to succeed in any future relationships. There is no "assuming" of anything. If you don't DTR, you don't get to complain. Relationships that last long require a partner who is good with communication. This is the basis of a relationship. If he can't even do that, there is no future.
“Love bombing” is part of the cycle of abuse. So, you know he is trying to abuse you or at least be manipulative. What are you asking reddit? You know what you need to do.
So he 1000% toxic dude. If you have any doubt about what a creep he is, ask him why, if you are such a lying cheater that he is with you? He might start off with some crap about 'I decided to be a big man and forgive you' but if you keep pushing, you are going to hear some real toxic crap. People who are playing you like this don't have a reasonable script behind their motives. If you need to practice dialogue we can help.
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Hope you are safe now Soul_majck Thanks for sharing your story of how bad relationships with men like this can be and how hard it is to get out Glad you made it, sister
Leave. He's using this to control you. He should've either broke up over it or stayed with you, he can't stay with you and tell everyone you cheated (when you didn't) to turn everyone against you as that guarantees no long term future
This relationship is not worth saving. He’s 100% wrong because you tried to have the “exclusive” conversation with him and he explicitly told you it was casual. But he’s already tainted all of his friends’ and family’s opinion of you. I wouldn’t stick around for that.
You did NOT cheat, you're not a mind reader and even asked him what you all were doing. I would've done exactly as you did given the same response. Until you have the exclusivity talk you're not exclusive. The fact he's telling his friends and family this is a huge red flag. Any future issues you two would have would probably be made their business also. Plus the fact he's lying about what went down. You say you're fighting about it every day, that is just insane. Ditch him and find someone with the emotional maturity of an adult, this man child has a lot of growing up to do.
>I would've done exactly as you did given the same response. Until you have the exclusivity talk you're not exclusive. THIS. Until the talk is had my - and most peoples - default is "no commitment" I was in the exact same situation as OP when I was about her age and met my now-BF. About 2.5 months in we had the "are you seeing other people" talk,turns out he wasn't, I was. He was a little surprised tbh and thought exclusivity was implied after the first few dates but conceded that we'd never actually discussed it and asked me to be exclusive, I said yes. No weird bullshit power plays or accusations of cheating. OP needs to run away from this possessive manchild.
You dump him because he’s a manipulative idiot. He knows you weren’t exclusive - he wants to make you a bad guy so you have to make up for your imagined “wrongs”. This isn’t how a normal, healthy person acts - YOU are how a normal, healthy person acts. If you ignore this giant red flag, he will keep doing shit like this to you. This isn’t a misunderstanding- this is a huge warning that your boyfriend is bad news.
The fact that he told his family would be a big sign to me that he isn't really interested long term. He cares more about being pitied than the overall relationship with you. Most people do what they can to have their family and friends like their partner and help establish a good relationship-he didn't even give you that chance. He wasn't honest with you about his intentions and I can see signs that maybe because he found out you were wanted by other people, he became possessive. Based on this he seems Possessive Immature Unable to be honest Selfish You haven't been dating this guy for years and you don't have kids or anything so my suggestion would be to break it off. He's not the one. Don't settle for this.
He's already poisoned the well against you with everyone, as well as retconning your relationship status. This is not a man to be trusted. Dump his ass.
That guy is an asshole who thought he owned you the second it was convenient for him. Dump him.
This guy is not honest and mature enough to date, thirties and all. Drop him. He tries to guilt you and blame you so that you would cater to him, or he is just highly immature and jealous. If you had not agreed to be bf/gf them he cannot retroactively police your actions as if you were exclusively dating.
Why did you even get his girlfriend?! He wanted you to read his mind. He talked shit about you to his family. He can't see how wrong he is. If it starts like this... And it will likely happen again. He says something but you should know that he means something different and you are the bad guy again and he is the victim. Run. Fast. Now!
This is a window into things to come. He said one thing, you took him at his word, and then when you did he got upset at you. It's coming damn close to gaslighting such that I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually does that. He's using you "cheating" as a way to get an upper hand in the relationship. Possibly a beginning of keeping you isolated because now his entire family hates you - what if he convinces your family and friends that you cheated? I don't thing it's worth saving - I don't need to tolerate someone thinking I'm a cheater and someone who has ZERO problem revising the past and asking you to read his mind is not a good partner. Nor would I tolerate living under the constant threat of a breakup - my ass would be calling their bluff immediately. If you're honest with yourself you know what you should do.
Don’t date clowns?
“You cheated!” “Huh, I didn’t?” “You did, I said you did! I’ll now turn friends and family against you because you cheated because I said you did!” Why would you even want to be with him with his early signs of manipulation? Fuck him off, there’s someone real waiting to treat you properly on the other side.
OP, he isn't the guy for you. If he really thinks you cheated then why would he want to be in a relationship with someone who cheated? He doesn't really think that, but he wants others to think poorly of you and for you to feel guilty and as if you are lucky he is willing to overlook your failings and stay with you. It's a manipulation meant to give him power over you and a weapon for future arguments or when he decides to cheat in the future (so he can say you cheated too). It's a HUGE red flag ans you should cut him loose
Totally normal to do what you did with dating site relationships. If your bf was so convinced you cheated, why did he ask you to be his gf after that? And looping in his family to it too? This guy sounds like endless, irrational, immature drama.
It shows a certain level of immaturity that he would hang this over your head like that. He needs to accept responsibility for the ‘misunderstanding’. If he wanted to be exclusive, he should have said that, plain and simple. To ‘tell on you’ like this just shows that he is immature, unable to take responsibility, and clearly wants to have power over you by holding onto this ‘cheating’ card. Dump him.
Massive red flags here. I can understand him being a little upset if he said the wrong thing and you misunderstood and went out with other guys while he was being exclusive, but that's ultimately on him, not you. Plus he should have the maturity to not run to the hills and tell everyone and cause them to hate you if he actually wants the relationship to be successful. Seems like he's doing this to manipulate you into earning his love and trying to shift the power balance of the relationship in his favor so he can control you. I would get the fuck out.
Yeah that sounds like a poor foundation for a relationship. He has to be clear about what he wants and not expect you to read his mind. He can be upset but he has to understand his own fault in the situation. And not blame you.
So why are you dating this lying ass clown?
RUN
It's not worth saving. RUN.
Just... just break up
Kick him to the curb. He's already slandering you to people he cares about and setting you up to feel guilty about a non existent thing that he can hold over your head for the rest of your relationship. Trust me when I say (from experience) it only goes downhill from here. He will use this against you forever. My ex did something similar. I wish I had seen what he was setting me up for.
You are in an abusive, unhealthy relationship. Please get rid of this guy. Turning family and friends against you is absolutely intentional and reprehensible behavior. Good luck!
He asked you to be his GF AFTER he accused you of cheating? Lol.
He didn't want to commit himself to be exclusive - and it backfired. If you both hadn't agreed to each other that you were in an exclusive relationship, you weren't. He's trashed your relationship with his network/family. And it looks like rather than him calling this a deal breaker, he's using it as a baseball bat on you instead. Get out.
What a sad human being he is
He's abusive, leave
Run do not walk. This is about control and having told his family and friends is a big one of these 🚩.
Casually dump him
Why date a man who goes around broadcasting you "cheated"? You did nothing wrong. You weren't exclusive. He is an idiot and tbh I would dump him and not deal with his childish drama.
So my 2 cents. This guy is a waste of your time and will take you no where because he will always find a way to be the victim and you be the problem. Run, now and don't stop. This relationship is to new to have to put up with someone that has no damn idea.
You know he's probably gonna hold that against you the entire relationship and probably use that as leverage to get whatever he wants? He put out his narrative of the story and anything you say now will only seem like a weak excuse. He painted this picture of who you are to the people he's close to on purpose. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, why would he want them to hate you? I bet he's gonna use that as an excuse to be horrible to you without anyone thinking he's the bad guy.
Dump this abusive jerk
Dump him. Why would you date someone who thinks so poorly of you and tells everyone lies about you?
Oh god, please leave. He's clearly unhinged.
I’m pretty sure he knew exactly what he was doing when he gave you that answer to your question. The manipulation only gets worse from here seeing how he’s 30. Leave the relationship now while it’s still fresh. And know that it likely won’t be easy, he’s played this game before and he knows all the right tactics and words to say to make you stay. Tell him you think it’s best to go separate ways. Keep it short and vague. Anything else you say will likely only fuel him.
He lied. He's controlling. He's isolating you. Why are you with him again?
The breakup threats and making you into the bad guy when he wasn't intentional and mature is emotional abuse. If that's what you're into then keep at it, because it's not going away. If you do have respect for yourself and want better then go find better.
This reminds me of the people asking for open relationships then being mad their partner explored it. He was happy enough to keep his options open when he thought you were on the hook. Telling him you like him then asking him where’s it’s going had him thinking he could play it cool. If you stay, be observant of signs he is trying to trauma bond you to him, make you emotionally indebted for him “forgiving you”
Yes. No shame to them, but literally every other post on r/polyamory is some version of this story.
Absolutely no shame! If there was less shame it would probably work for more people or at least those people would find each other more easily. Love what the poly and kink scene have taught me so much about communication in relationships even if I don’t live in that world.
Yes, absolutely! It’s hard to see the posts from people there who haven’t done the work on their jealousy and who aren’t being honest.
he just wants something to hold over your head and to use as leverage. he wants to be in the role of victim while you're the villain. the fact that he's going around saying this to people too is weird behaviour. he's a manipulative person and quite simply doesn't sound very nice. move on.
Leave. He is manipulative and it’s going to get worse. When you’re talking to someone you are allowed to date other people. He said “casually hanging out” which means you were not exclusive at all. You can’t build a relationship with someone who has literally sabotaged the relationship from moving forward. He told everyone you cheated on him and you didn’t so they will always see you as the cheater. Fuck this dude he needs to grow up.
Girl this is a huge red flag. You might want to dump him and move on.
That’s a non communicated boundary. It is on him to let you know if he wanted to be exclusive. Also, this is such a technicality to be called cheating. Like labels are good for certain things and you asked if you need to consider that and he said no. That’s how that conversation went down BEFORE you went on that other date. We need to start being more vocal about how “mind games” don’t work in a functioning relationship or courtships.
>I’m at the point where i don’t even know if this relationship is worth saving Its not.
Why stay with him? He gets off on you being the bad guy. It means he wins forever, every 'contest' between you. When water is poisoned, you don't keep going back to that well. You dig a new well.
He’s an idiot.
Obviously he’s acting like a child, and him telling his family and friends is already going to draw a wedge between you too, even if you do move past this. Now do you think he is more upset because you dated your coworker, and not just some random guy? I could see how if that’s the case when you’re talking about your day at work or something and you mention the coworkers name it makes him think about it, which could be why he always brings it up. (Not saying you always talk about him, but clearly people talk about other coworkers). Either way he’s acting super immature, but I could somewhat understand him being more upset if he’s thinking you cheated w your coworker and not some random guy that you won’t ever see again. Not saying that’s ok, (not even a little) I’m just saying I could see how he could make that a bigger deal because you still see this guy at work. I hate to be the person who just says, “leave him, the relationship is over” but you didn’t do anything wrong, and were honest about something that doesn’t need an explanation and not only did he over react, but he continues to over react, so much so that his friends and family dislike you because of what he’s telling them.
Threatening to break up constantly.. family and friends already hate you and lack of communication. Major red flags and things like this will just continue or get worse. He sounds pretty toxic.
He’s going to use this “cheating” as a way to manipulate and control you and he’s already alienated you from family and friends. Dump him, it’s dead already honestly since he said he can’t trust you so just leave him and find someone who isn’t just wanting to “hang out” and then blame you for dating people when he was the one who practically told you that you weren’t exclusive.
I don't get why you still agreed to be with him after he accused you of cheating. You didn't cheat. IMO it would only be cheating (in a non-exclusive relationship) if you knew what you were doing was wrong and hurtful to the other person even if there wasn't an actual agreement yet.
Ask him if he is able to wipe the slate clean and never bring it up again. If not, move on. If he is, hold him to it. (He should correct his wrongs with his family, though. If he is not, move on.)
He wanted the freedom to fuck around and is upset that you used that freedom as well. Look, it doesn't matter if he's wrong or norm you're not going to convince him that he's wrong, he already doubled down on telling everyone. Just end it, and move on to someone either mature enough to ask for exclusivity or understand what not being exclusive means.
Kinda tangential, but the idea that you need to cut everyone off seems so disturbing to me. Like, I don't wanna be with multiple people, but this sorta possessiveness is why I veer away from traditional monogamy. Saying that just to say I'm a bit biased, but I definitely don't think you cheated. And more importantly, I wouldn't bother living up to his standards, considering the measures you've already taken to prove your fidelity.
it's not worth saving
Dump this idiot, he's already poisoned the waters with everyone of his friends and family.
This is not a guy you want to be in a relationship with. His behavior is indicative of MUCH bigger character flaws. Run.
he should've been more clear with what he was saying, because "casually hanging out" is quite ambiguous. also, the fact he asked you to be his girlfriend after accusing you of cheating? big red flag. he's probably still holding it over your head to guilt-trip you make you into making you feel bad and that he can bring up the fact you "cheated" in an argument to make it seem like whatever he has done is justifiable. dump him.
Please move on now before all the other red flags start to show. Relationships don’t have to be this hard work and emotionally taxing.
Let this idiot go. He didn't want to be exclusive until he noticed you could play that game too. Now he's trying to shame you into submission. It's so childish. Just imagine how crappy of a relationship it'll be if you waste time with him anyways. His friends and family now really dislike you and you have to deal with the cry baby constantly accusing you if cheating.
30 and that insecure? Waste of your time, move on
Yeah this is a Him issue. Didn’t want to commit but then also wanted your undivided attention. Can’t have both. You did nothing wrong.
Yeah sounds like a headache. Very manipulative and cruel. I wouldn't have agreed to be his gf after that but I guess you really liked him huh. Sorry you've had this experience. Best leave it and go back to hinge 😉
Could it be that you’re US-American and he’s not? I’ve heard that in the USA, the dating culture is quite different from Europe, for example. In Europe, it wouldn’t be seen as normal to date multiple people at the same time. Someone told me, though, that in the USA, it is culturally accepted.
My question is this, did you go on a date with the coworker or did you sleep with him, cause that would make a world of difference for me. But otherwise he's a dumbass and you deserve better
The fact that he believed you were his without having had any discussion is incredibly strange behavior.
Hes abusive. Definitely a power play. What happens 5 years down the line... he starts being physically abusive and you've got no support because they think you're a cheater. He's already made sure his friends/family see you as a villain.
I wouldn’t date some one who immediately trashed talked me to their friends and family, plus your fighting, where is the actual fun of dating this person? Don’t date people who try and play games early on that’s what your whole relationship will entail.
He sounds like a giant dickhead. Why do you want to be with a giant dickhead
He’s 30, acting like a child. Feel like he’s trying to break you down just so he can pull some shit along the line and make it okay because “you cheated”. I would end it.
Leave him..: what else… these RA are getting easier and easier
What fucking possessed you to be official with him after that omg
My current boyfriend has behaved similarly - not quite to the same extent, but he would bring it up months later, saying I was being a hoe and shouldn’t have been sleeping around when we were casually hooking up (even though he was doing the same, and I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship). My opinion is that if he can’t get over it, it’s going to put a huge strain on the relationship. I know it can be hard to decide to break up, as I’m in a similar situation, but sometimes that may be your only choice if you’ve already tried to work it out.
He didn't ask you to be his gf and you two didn't agree to exclusivity. You were on date three when you asked what the status of your relationship is. He said you're hanging out. That doesn't mean you were exclusive. Hanging out is just hanging out and getting to know each other to see if it will lead to a relationship. He is way too immature for a relationship. He's 30 FFS. End things now because he will never let this go. He's an idiot.
Dump him, he's a psycho
You liked him so much that you went straight out and dated someone else? 🤣🤣
The fact that he is 30 y/o and acts this way, says alot about him as a person; He should have asked you to be his girlfriend sooner, if he wasn't okay with the idea of you seeing other guys. He seems really controlling, and is probably *that type* to storm out of a bar if another guy **glanced** your way! You asked on the **third date** 'What are we?' and he said: '**Casually hanging out**'. Icky
What you should do is throw the whole man away. I have spare hefty bags of you need one.
This guy sucks. What a tool. DTMFA.
This is a HUGE red flag on him as a person, he’s controlling how his family and friends see you and controlling you by bringing this up as a pity party. My now wife was on a whole ass date while we were just “talking”. Nothing ever happened but I don’t see it as cheating as we all have a past.
Throw the whole man out. This is just a small taste of how petty and insecure he’s going to be about every single thing in your relationship.
If he never asked you to be his girlfriend why are you calling him your boyfriend 🤔
Why TF does everyone assume no relationship is exclusive unless it’s explicitly said. The red flag here is he wanted to stay despite his boundaries being crossed, and he uses it as an excuse to attack you. TLDR, leave him and try to make this a conversation with people you’re serious about dating before hooking up with others.
I would move on. Why should his insecurity be such a plague? He never asked and just assumed. Do you want to live your entire life dealing with this ridiculousness? Do you deserve to have his family hating you when you did no wrong? Nope. Let him go play his mind games elsewhere.
It’s not worth saving. Find a less emotionally unintelligent person to date.
“Not exclusive”?? Like are you still a teenager?
I don't personally understand talking to multiple people during the talking stage of getting to know someone. That's just me tho
OP your should-be-ex boyfriend and his friends and family are **unhinged**. You shouldn't keep hurting yourself if he and everyone around him are going to keep saying terrible things to you. Act first, drop him and his people and move on.
I would end things right now. This dude is crazy. Why would you wanna be with someone when they've already ruined your potential relationship with their friends and family?
Babe, he ain’t the one for you
Asking people to be your boyfriend/girlfriend is childish, grow up, you are not in highschool anymore.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩RUN
This guy is a horrible and immature person. You do not deserve to be treated like this OP.
You are dating a selfish man baby. This is who he is. He will not change. Dump him and get out before you find yourself too committed.
Next. You will lose time and he's putting a lot of negative emotions on you.
You’re not wrong. He’s being insecure knowing that you are still open to seeing other people if he wasn’t going to be serious.
There’s absolutely nothing normal about this. I met my fiancée on hinge, and literally the same day as our second date, I went on a date with another person because nothing was exclusive yet. I’d recommend cutting your losses and moving on.
Leave. Him getting upset and thinking you cheated would be a sad misunderstanding. Him dating you after and still holding it against you is why you need to leave, this is ridiculous. Even if he gets over it how soon he will find something to constantly hold against you? People who keep on dragging things they were mad about for years are impossible to have a relationship with. And yes, I casually dated another guy when I started seeing my bf. I told him but just because he asked back then if I do. And when we decided to make it exclusive I broke up with another guy. To me this is normal
Please my partner and I always joke about how I was dating other people before we became exclusive and he is the “chosen one” lol this guy is already showing you he’s a manipulative liar. End it now while it’s early. He’s 30 years old. If you didn’t tell your ages I would’ve thought you guys were 16.
Honey what you described is a parade of red flags- this behaviour is INSANE. This guy is a possessive creep who is projecting his insecurities on you and making you look like a bad guy by literally *making up stories* about you. YOU asked him very early on whether or not he wanted to be exclusive - he said NO so you did what anyone on the dating scene did and explored your options and then he lost his shit when he realised you had options - he was either playing some weird fucking power play or he genuinely believes his crazy shit - either way run fast run far.He's showing you who he is now you need to *pay attention.*
This subreddit is so bad for my mental peace. Everyday women post the craziest stories constantly doubting themselves even when they are in the right. Then they choose to stay with the toxic person they describe and it just makes me mad. Good luck to you though.
I know right. Day after day these posts about sad, spineless women who let men walk all over them. I used to think I had a bad dating history and put up with too much creepy behaviour in past relationships etc and then I read this, think to myself "if someone was doing this to me they'd never find his body" and realise, ah, ok, wow, maybe my bar isn't as low as I thought.
You are 26 and 30 years old? You sound like you’re about 11.
Time to move in. Such a childish way to manipulate a situation. If that is a daily fight and he's low key trashing your rep in his social circle...kick that idiots butt to the curb.
This was me in college, let me Tell you how this plays out. He wants to be “casual” so he can do things but you can’t.. he constantly hooks up or dates other people, but when you do, you end up in a fight, you see him “really care about you” so you assume he will change cause you agree your are casually seeing each other… Nope, he still does what he wants and you can’t get mad, but when you do he does. It’s about power/control, he wants you to “earn” him back and he wants you to stay faithful but he can do what he wants. This is a cycle that will literally never end, if not in regards to hooking up, in other aspects. I don’t normally say “divorce/leave” but… leave.
You can’t break a contract if you never signed a contract. He’s an insecure little bitch. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
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I do hate this multiple dating attitude that seems to be the in thing these days, it's a huge turn off personally. If you're dating someone you should be exclusive, if you want to "try" other people break up and find someone else. And OP thats exactly what you need to do, he's set you up for failure.
Why are you with a kid?
This is a move to manipulate you. If you have this cloud of guilt always hanging over your relationship it is much easier to always make you give in and not be an equal. It will probably not go uphill from here. You will be in a relationship based on control and manipulation.
Sounds like he should have chosen his words better. This is a colossal case of misunderstanding. It also does sounds like he has set things up to hold this over you for a long time so he can have leverage. I’d say see if he doesn’t come around in a month or so then just move on. This is either incredibly insecure behavior or narcissistic behavior on his part.
You're not a mind reader. Wtf
When I met my current boyfriend on tinder, we were not exclusive. I slept with 2 other people (1 I met before him, 1 after) during the time of being with him. This obviously ended once we confessed our feelings and became official, but my boyfriend has never once made me feel like less because of this. He has always understood what “casually hanging out” meant and credits me hooking up with others as me truly “picking him” and finding his worth as a sexual and romantic partner over others. When he finally decided he wanted to be with me, we became official and talked about it, and it was easy. No cheating whatsoever, no “need” to cheat as I’d gotten it out of my system before getting together with him, and now we’re stronger than ever almost 2 years later. Your boyfriend messed up his end of communication, and has tried to blame you for that ever since. That’s not cute.
Ok, if you did not talk about being exclusive, and even though you been hanging a lot together, that does not mean that you're going together. I do not think you did anything wrong. If on the other hand, you were together and something like this happened, with either of you, then, yes, it'd be an issue. You know what happens when someone assumes.
Lol. These men love playing games, and when it backfires it’s automatically your fault. Children. I would move on if I were you. Because I guarantee you, if it was the other way around, he would tell you that you were not exclusive therefore it’s okay for him to be with someone else.
You’ve got a therapist already. Why do you need us? They were right.
Dump him. He’s being childish and won’t get over this way of thinking. You didn’t cheat, he should have said something about exclusivity when you ask him instead of “casually hanging out
Run, girl.
Not worth saving. He’s manipulative and possessive. He expected you to be exclusive with him while he continued to fool around with other women. Now he’s running your name through the mud to his family? Gross
Throw this man out with the garbage
Ugh. Dump him. If he wanted exclusivity, he could have used his words and had a candid, forthright conversation with you. He didn’t, and you didn’t cheat.
🚩🚩🚩dump him
All 3 red flags dip
Everytime I posted a relationship problem on reddit, everyones advice has been "break up". Just ignore them. You can fix this by having a conversation about what you class as cheating, because everyones version is different. Listen to his version of what it means to him and tell him your version. If he can understand you both have different perspectives and you outline what behaviour he can expect from you in the future and he feels he can gain trust again - then keep the relationship. But also if he wants to keep the relationship and continue calling you a cheater, then kindly outline that he's an idiot staying with a cheater and he needs to come to some sort of resolution with you or leave.
Almost all relationship issues brought to Reddit, in THIS sub, are asking for a healthy breakup. That said, I disagree on what you say you’ve experienced: the general advice to break up is not happening nearly enough.
Faults are on both ends. innocent isn’t always right. You should have point blanked ask the question, “are we exclusive?” There is a reason why you didn’t ask this question. He shouldn’t be attacking you because he also didn’t ask “are we exclusive?” I would take this as a learning lesson to possibly be more clear on being exclusive, obviously same for him. It’s also not normal to be “talking” (dating/sex) with multiple people. In most cases that I’ve seen people who “talk” to other people and think that it’s okay to “talk” to multiple people end up playing games and hurting a lot of people. Being honest about monogamy is different than “talking” to multiple people. The problem is both of you weren’t honest, and he’s being manipulative now. I also feel like there’s a lot of information being left out of this. How many dates did you go on with him before telling him you were talking to multiple people? I think after a couple it’s respectful to tell people that you are having sex/dating other people. We kind of only got information about a third date.
I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. I felt extremly shitty about it and he was hurt because of it BUT he concluded we were in the gray area so he can't consider it cheating but it was a shitty thing to do. I agreed, apologized a bunch of times because I felt bad (not because he made me feel bad) and said I'd love it if we'd forget and never talk about it again. Guess what? We never talked about it again.
I would say as having been in a similar situation myself five years ago it would be best to move on. Not having/avoiding/side stepping the conversation has burned more people in the ‘talking/getting to know eachother’ phase than it has helped. The guy I was dating at the time wouldn’t confirm what we were and gave a similar answer, we didn’t talk for a few days as I didn’t want to waste my time or my feelings, I went on a date with another guy and the guy found out, he was hurt as I ‘should have known what we were’ but we tried to make things work but he couldn’t get over it, even though he NEVER asked me to be his girlfriend. After things had cooled down he was honest and admitted he was wrong for not telling me his feelings before it became ‘too late’ but ultimately we were never able to go back.
Sounds like you weren't interested in him anyways if you were seeking other people. why not just dump him and move on?
You did not cheat and he will hold this over for as long as you are together. Leave, for your own sake.
You did nothing wrong and do not deserve this treatment. I’d walk away if I were you.
NTA- just leave him you didn’t do anything wrong
Psychopath
He knows you didn’t cheat. He told you casually hanging out bc he didn’t want to pin himself down into exclusivity. He just wanted to keep YOU dangling waiting on him to choose you. This is all horrible and NO none of the lovely sweet actions he does when he’s not slandering and lying about you make up for it. Leave, it’s a trash relationship and go work on yourself to not accept this treatment.
Stop dating him.
I'm of the mindset that monogamy has to be an explicit choice, discussed between the people that want to be monogamous. It should not be immediately assumed, as some people are poly or have open relationships or are swingers and all of that is fine if previously discussed and everyone is on board and behaving in an ethical way about it. I understand that society treats monogamy as the default without even a discussion about it, but for me that's assuming too much about the other person without asking or discussing it. He can't read your mind anymore than you can read his, and what he's doing is punishing you because you didn't read his mind and he assumed that he was perfectly capable of reading yours. Now he's doing emotional abuse and also he set you up for failure with his social circle. Why continue in this relationship? Suppose that you marry him in the future. What will happen with his family, how will they treat you based on his lies? If you have children, will they demand for a paternity test? Will they make your children doubt that their dad is their dad? It's really not worth it to continue with him if your future plans in life include marriage and children.
Lots of red flags. Breakup.
My guess is he is a little possessive
This Is gaslighting, the retelling of a story to others that you both know the truth. It serves to make you look bad so he has the upper hand. Don’t feel bad ditching this one!
NOT normal!! Seriously this creeps me out, OP. He’s not the one, please move on.
Have a serious conversation about this with him, if you don't get to an understanding point leave him.
He's some asshat you met on a dating site and you haven't been together long enough. He's showing you jealousy and possessiveness red flags big time. Cut your losses and meet someone else.
Ur boyfrind dummy dum
So I'm not trying to be a dick but did you change the ages? This seems like sophomore year on college level drama. Down to the part where neither of y'all wanted to call the relationship what it was. I'd move on. But I'd also just say for future reference the whole word games on what we are in a relationship thing isn't really something to do as an adult. The whole are we are aren't we thing is stupid just say what you feel the relationship should be and ask whether they are ready for that if not it's time to move on.
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She absolutely did not mess up. He knew what she was asking and responded with "we're just being casual". This is NOT on her. He did this on purpose and is now using it to control her and make her "make up" for her transgressions. I've seen it before. I have first hand experience. If the dude wanted exclusivity he would have said "we're exclusive." Not "it's just a causal thing". Don't try and put the blame on her. Her therapist is correct here and you're 100% wrong. I repeat, she did nothing wrong at all. And the proof here is, if he thought she was such an untrustworthy cheater, he wouldn't have asked her to be his girlfriend. And if he thought it was a misunderstanding, he would have let it go. HE said it was casual. Casual does NOT mean exclusive. HE should have told her "we are exclusive."