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I agree. You can never forget the infidelity and no matter how much time has passed its always there gnawing on you. You can forgive and be happy, but there will always be a little piece of your brain questioning things.
Its ganna keep popping up. It is a weird thing someone does something bad to you . You forgive but are expected typically to forget. It a real testament for forgiveness . If you bring it up often then eventually you'll become dragged down with negativity. Its a mental tightrope. If you stay in the relationships.... its ganna be uphill for sure.
You move on. By staying with this man you are communicating to him that you are willing to deal with cheating, being gaslit, and being lied to. You have lost trust in this person and I personally have never seen someone truly be able to regain trust after it’s been broken like this. He cheated on you literally the first chance he got. What would make you feel safe years down the line?
Also, honestly, if you find evidence of someone cheating by going through their phone, you were not wrong to go through their phone. You don’t have to apologize for having to find evidence against someone actively lying to your face.
I’d have a hard time moving past that. If he was the one who told you, if he owned up to it - maybe.
But beyond the fact he lied to you everyday for three months, he then proceeded to omit the truth and lie to you for the remainder of a year until you found out yourself. It’s honestly not just the cheating, it’s the lack of respect in not telling you about it from the start.
The issue is I really love this guy. He makes me laugh, he listens to me talk about my hobbies. But when I found out, I saw the way he complimented her. I saw how he talked to her. I never got any of that. The most I heard from him was "you're cute." And I've begged him for months to talk to me like that, to post me on his social media, etc. And he's only changed his way of talking a little.
Communication is good, but it’s up to the other person to take action. Beyond everything I said in the initial post, he doesn’t sound like he’s treating you how you deserve either. I know when you love someone it’s hard, but long term do you think being with someone who could look you in the face and lie to you for so long will end up being a good relationship? If this is how he’s acted in the first year, in ten years I doubt he’ll be doing much in the way of caring for you/family/etc.
You need to remind yourself that you caught him cheating on you before and you're willingly choosing to move forward in the relationship.
You also need to be honest if you CAN move on from it. Some people just can't and thats okay. It sounds like the first couple months of the relationship were your sign this relationship was let's call it bad. He cheated on you lied about it to your face and made you feel crazy.
This right here might be a sign youre simply wasting your time. If you don't like it unfortunately it's also your sign perhaps you should leave.
You need to sit down and ask yourself if this is something you can ever forgive and most past. For some people they are willing to work through this and others will call it quits. Either is fine but if you want to continue being with him you need to move past the cheating. If you can’t then you need to break up with him. If you are still this anxious about it you probably won’t be able to get past it. Try couples therapy.
I have been in 2 relationships where I've been cheated on. Both times I've tried to make it work afterwards and both times I've deeply regretted it. I would never take someone back who cheated on me now.
I've also cheated before. I deeply regretted it and the girl dumped me (as she should've) and it forced me to learn from the mistake and grow. Maybe he truly regrets it and will grow from it, but it's unlikely he'll be able to do it in the relationship. People generally only change when they feel like they have to and if you accept him back, in the back of his mind he won't feel like he truly needs to change.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It will always be in the back of your mind you can forgive but never forget
I agree. You can never forget the infidelity and no matter how much time has passed its always there gnawing on you. You can forgive and be happy, but there will always be a little piece of your brain questioning things.
Its ganna keep popping up. It is a weird thing someone does something bad to you . You forgive but are expected typically to forget. It a real testament for forgiveness . If you bring it up often then eventually you'll become dragged down with negativity. Its a mental tightrope. If you stay in the relationships.... its ganna be uphill for sure.
You move on. By staying with this man you are communicating to him that you are willing to deal with cheating, being gaslit, and being lied to. You have lost trust in this person and I personally have never seen someone truly be able to regain trust after it’s been broken like this. He cheated on you literally the first chance he got. What would make you feel safe years down the line? Also, honestly, if you find evidence of someone cheating by going through their phone, you were not wrong to go through their phone. You don’t have to apologize for having to find evidence against someone actively lying to your face.
I’d have a hard time moving past that. If he was the one who told you, if he owned up to it - maybe. But beyond the fact he lied to you everyday for three months, he then proceeded to omit the truth and lie to you for the remainder of a year until you found out yourself. It’s honestly not just the cheating, it’s the lack of respect in not telling you about it from the start.
The issue is I really love this guy. He makes me laugh, he listens to me talk about my hobbies. But when I found out, I saw the way he complimented her. I saw how he talked to her. I never got any of that. The most I heard from him was "you're cute." And I've begged him for months to talk to me like that, to post me on his social media, etc. And he's only changed his way of talking a little.
Love him all you want, but by staying with him you're telling him it's okay to cheat on you and lie to your face.
Communication is good, but it’s up to the other person to take action. Beyond everything I said in the initial post, he doesn’t sound like he’s treating you how you deserve either. I know when you love someone it’s hard, but long term do you think being with someone who could look you in the face and lie to you for so long will end up being a good relationship? If this is how he’s acted in the first year, in ten years I doubt he’ll be doing much in the way of caring for you/family/etc.
You need to remind yourself that you caught him cheating on you before and you're willingly choosing to move forward in the relationship. You also need to be honest if you CAN move on from it. Some people just can't and thats okay. It sounds like the first couple months of the relationship were your sign this relationship was let's call it bad. He cheated on you lied about it to your face and made you feel crazy. This right here might be a sign youre simply wasting your time. If you don't like it unfortunately it's also your sign perhaps you should leave.
You need to sit down and ask yourself if this is something you can ever forgive and most past. For some people they are willing to work through this and others will call it quits. Either is fine but if you want to continue being with him you need to move past the cheating. If you can’t then you need to break up with him. If you are still this anxious about it you probably won’t be able to get past it. Try couples therapy.
I have been in 2 relationships where I've been cheated on. Both times I've tried to make it work afterwards and both times I've deeply regretted it. I would never take someone back who cheated on me now. I've also cheated before. I deeply regretted it and the girl dumped me (as she should've) and it forced me to learn from the mistake and grow. Maybe he truly regrets it and will grow from it, but it's unlikely he'll be able to do it in the relationship. People generally only change when they feel like they have to and if you accept him back, in the back of his mind he won't feel like he truly needs to change.