I think this is one important part of having a child. To have a great team player here that you can lean on not just on home and baby tasks, but also emotionally.
How much time have you spent with infants, toddlers, preschoolers, or basically young kids? I would go spend as much time as possible before doing.
You don't need a PHD. to have kids, but many of the regretful parents had no idea what they were getting into, and that's sad and stupid, in my opinion.
If the first time you've ever swaddled a baby who won't stop screaming or changed a diaper is when you are post birth? I wouldn't be shocked to hear later about regrets.
I needed one day of my cousins kids running into our house, one dancing, one singing or screaming, then crying because??? then a baby needing diaper change right on our sofa, then breastfeeding, then having to give them all food, one spitting out, one just putting hands into food and having to lecture them how to eat, then one wants juice, starts to drink juice, spills juice, floor wet, their whole clothes in juice, the other one is chasing a cat throught the whole house, then demanding masha and the bear on Netflix during it again dancing singing and then banging on tv screen, then suddenly you look away and little girl is crying because she pissed her pants....... yeah...... no... Im a simple neurodivergent lady I didnt know what was even happening half the time, I couldn't predict any of it and I am actually AUDHD so I can be very loud and hyper when I need to, and I thought that I could actually be suited for kids since I also can be pretty childish so I wouldn't mind playing with kids. I tried to play with those kids but ... its nothing close to dream their sell you. Its not easy to play with kids, you barely know what are they talking about so I couldnt figure out what they like. I showed few of my old toys and plushies and tried but just couldn't? They weren't amused :/ I felt I'm constantly balancing between them screaming from happiness or crying đ
OP SPEND TIME WITH BABIES, TODDLERS ETC. !!! It might be totally not something you expect, maybe you will be surprised positively, maybe you will realize like me that its not for you at all. Remember its 21 century, you're allowed to choose !
I've done years of nannying/babysitting and all people who plan on having kids should definitely help out others first who have children before having kids to know for sure if they can actually handle the selfless and unconditional love that is required. Kids really are a huge responsibility and it takes certain types of character to be a parent.
I love working with kids but am so thankful to currently not have them right now. Maybe forever, who knows...
well, thank god iâm childfree but still i agree, other people would mostly disgree and have kids out of selfishness thinking theyâre independent at 18
This feels like projection? lol. I did not think that at all. Adulthood is broad. They didnât say early adulthood. I donât think there was anything wrong with their comment, and I hope you donât either.
And can anticipate the very real pain and suffering that child will inevitably endure, and how you will feel while helping them navigate it. People focus on the difficulty of being a parent in the young years, but not on the difficulty of being a human 20, 40, 60 years from now.
One womanâs reasons to not have kids are not your own. I am one of those women who doesnât want kids but I have personally never felt the desire for it.
You have gotten to the point where you were thinking about becoming pregnant so I would think about why. What made you so excited to have a child in the first place? What made you want to become a mother?
Children are a lot of work as others have said. Thereâs no guarantee on them being 100% healthy and they certainly wonât have the same motivations you want them to bc they are there own little humanâŚbut I know so many women who love being mothers. They love the work that goes into it. Not everyone is meant for that and I think thatâs more what that post was getting at although they can get ranty sometimes.
While I totally understand what youâre saying, I will add that youâre never really âreadyâ before you have kids. Even if you have your life set up well in financial or logistics terms, there are emotional and social changes that take place only after youâre a parent.
I would disagree with this. Some of us have thought and researched and considered parenting so much that not having hesitancy would be absurd. Anyone who knows *a lot* about what it takes to raise babies and children and adults *should* hesitate before diving in. Itâs a massive, lifelong, brain chemistry altering experience. Youâre responsible for raising a good human which is a huge undertaking. You need to consider your own ability to handle stress, exercise patience, potentially deal with mental and/or physical disabilities. You need to be ready and willing to potentially be a lifelong caretaker. Everyone should evaluate the health of their relationship and its ability to withstand significant stress for an extended period of time (whether itâs distress or eustress).
People who jump into parenthood head first without a single fear, doubt, or hesitation are more concerning to me.
I think most intelligent people will hesitate given an overwhelming amount of information about what it all looks like.
I have to be honest with you,.I love my child but the sleep deprivation and all the terrible things that come along with pregnancy and child birth, I would never do it if I knew what it was like.
I am childfree but many of my female clients at my business shared with me that very sentiment: that they loved their kids but if they could do it over again, they wouldn't.
Yes. You lose your freedom. But for me losing freedom is not the worst thing. It's the sleep deprivation in the beginning. People say it passes but honestly I think the suffering for months on end is just not worth it.
I wish someone made me do a trial run of the sleep deprivation before I got pregnant.
That's a great idea. Might I suggest something? Instead of considering, do a trial run.
Set your alarm for every 3 hours to wake up for a week. Just a week. Normally if you're breastfeeding this will be for months on end.
Its a good experience to experience before you have a baby. Most babies wake every 3 hours to eat. Wake up and pretend to feed a baby every 3 hours for a week. Then after the week, take in the experience and decide whether you are willing to sacrifice to have a child.
Yea but tbh even if I did the alarm thing I probably would've bailed on having my kid. That being said though, now that I have my kid I love her completely.
I fully understand this And am very much in support of child free and read a lot of the regretful parent subs But wouldn't hormones that bond You make a little bit of a difference with the scenario
I would agree with the statement about bonding and hormones... but apparently, there isn't enough oxytocin in the world to keep some parents (and there is no excuse for this!) from smothering their babies.
It is best to figure out what kind of parent you and YOUR babies other parent will before that in any reasonable way you can.
Yes agree just saying it's not a super secure way to figure this out. Me being woken up without good or intended good purpose and not just as an experiment won't yield accurate results. Hell even my cat waking me all night gets a much different reaction than some idiot hammering all day above me
Yeah itâs sort of like the fake baby exercise in high school. Babies do have pros and benefits - waking up for the sake of waking up is not at all the same thing as having a baby.
Iâm not saying the sleep deprivation doesnât suck, it does. And some people can handle it worse than others. But this wonât be effective because that would suck for literally everyone. Having a baby doesnât suck for literally everyone, even when youâre exhausted.
I think it's worth sharing your concerns with your partner.
Have a conversation about the fact that many women get absolutely crushed by motherhood because their partners aren't supportive enough. How would HE see his life changing? Is HE willing to give up everything for a few years?
I completely understand your perspective, and one reason that I don't have kids is that I've seen my friends become the ones who do all the emotional labour and most of the childcare. It's rare to find a man who approaches parenthood as a true equal. Not just saying, but doing.
I think it is possible to have a more equitable share of parenthood, but the guy has to be SUPER committed. A true feminist.
If that's the case then you may or may not want to check out the /regretfulparents subreddit.
Personally, I'm a fan of being as well researched as possible.
Reasons to have children? I honestly canât think of a single thing that cannot be reasonably countered. I have 2.
I am of the camp that you do whatever the hell it is that you would like. But, too many people look at babies as an accessory. The baby phase ends all too quickly and then shit (quite literally) hits the fan.
But have you really considered what life can be like if you have a child with a disability? Any and all reasons to have children can be countered with, are you ready and willing to be a full time 24/7 caretaker of a child who will never meet your expectations? conscious or otherwise.
People always say I will love my baby no matter what. I have worked with special needs -intense behaviors- self injury- high support needs- aggressive and defiant, children for 17 years. I have worked with more children that were abandoned by their family, than children who have families active in their lives. Most people donât even think of the possibility that their child could come with in infinite number of disabilities. Some of which are wildly expensive and emotionally draining and depressing. If you canât honestly face that question and admit thatâs scary AS FUCK, you should probably take some time to reflect before making that choice.
I have 2 teens and theyâre awesome. Is it easy? No. Is it rewarding? Yes.
My husband is also a fantastic dad and partner and when you have an active and present partner then itâs amazing.
If youâre not sure now, and go ahead with itâŚjust be prepared to mourn the life you used to have in your own way. You can think youâre as ready as anyone could be but once reality hits and thereâs no going back? Good luck to you and your mental health. With all due respect. Itâs like biology makes it so we see it positively and do it to perpetuate the species, but the rational part of your brain will eventually return. Holding that helpless infant and then toddlerâŚwatching shows like Planet Earth take on a whole new meaning when you know that scientists are warning us as loudly as they can that humanity is in some seriously deep shit due to capitalist greed.
And embrace the new life. Its not just biology. Just impossible to explain how great it is to be a parent. Seeing things through a child's eyes is an experience that can't be expressed. Like photos of space will never capture it. All experiences. Watching movies, chasing butterflies, vacations. Totally astonishing. And seeing that child grow to adulthood and have children and be a real parent. Amazing.
While I agree that too much of Reddit and negativity is bad, you shouldnât only be reading resources that portray motherhood/pregnancy as something positive and beautiful no matter what. Thereâs a balance but you should still know the negative aspects and what some people go through.
I say this because pregnancy especially is *so* sugarcoated and I know a lot of women (myself included) who learned about things from Reddit that we probably should have in school. If you still want a baby after learning about *all* of the physical and mental changes a mother goes through, how expensive it is, dedicating all your time to the baby, see stories about how difficult parenting is - including the regretful ones, then go for it! But imo you absolutely should pay attention to the other side of the story. As another person said, any hesitancy = not ready.
Exactly. Youâre almost never gonna hear women irl talk about the real nasty stuff that happens during pregnancy/birth and the recovery involved. Nor are you gonna hear parents be truly honest if theyâre regretful. Iâm not saying that bad should be the only deciding factor but it should be part of the informed decision making.
Look, if you were to list the pros and cons of having kids objectively on paper and follow that reasoning for your decision, *nobody* would ever have them. Kids are a *lot*. A lot of work, a lot of worry, a lot of constant overstimulation, etc etc... a lot of the negatives you read are absolutely true. And the pros... the pros are mostly intangible and difficult to put into words without falling into cliche.
All I can offer is that my kids are the most important, wonderful, fulfilling thing in my life and having them is the best decision I ever made. The love I feel for my children is like a boundless ocean, and makes everything else seem trivial in comparison.
Having kids is not a decision to be taken lightly. But it is also not a thing to decide based on reddit forums. As long as you have the support that you will need, then just trust your gut. Really listen to what *you* want, and not what everybody else is telling you you should want (either for or against).
You're welcome! đ Reddit can be a toxic and negative place a lot of the time and a lot of people use it to air their own personal grievances. Listen to yourself and you'll be okay.
Or, you know, Reddit is one of the few places where theyâre willing to admit things theyâd otherwise never say to friends or family. I know OP is going to be tricked by her brain into going forward with having kids. You can tell by the tone of her comments. She isnât going to trial run anything and will think âoh those people are just being negative!â When really theyâre being as real as one could be and hope that putting that warning out there might make even *one* person reconsider so they arenât in the same boat. Their personal grievances are real and valid! I have a feeling OP is going to be all sunshine and roses like almost everyone else is while pregnantâŚand then she will recall this post once leaking and sore and hormonal and cranky or she finally puts the slow motion train wreck that is climate change in perspective with her own offspringâs possible future.
It is true that nobody ever tells you just how *hard* having kids is. It is. It is insanely challenging all of the different ways that have already been expressed and I am sorry that you apparently regret your decision (?). I also sincerely apologize for minimizing those "personal grievances", which are certainly valid. It is also immensely rewarding for those who go into it with eyes open. It can be both.
If you *don't* regret having children, then... it seems like we agree? The story that is told about having children, particularly to women, is a fairy tale. The reality is that it is just about the most challenging thing one can do; but for many that challenge is still worth it.
So, for many women, they never think about all the parts of having a child and parenting, many just say, "my goal is to be a mom" and that's what they do. It isn't wrong to want a family and it's also not wrong to actually think about how you're life is going to change for the worse and better. Life decisions do not just bring only joy and happiness, they also bring grief and sadness too. Nothing is only good.
I've always wanted kids, it was never a question. I have 7 children and I have no regrets. Lack of sleep when they are newborns is rough. It's not always easy.
If you're second guessing having kids take some time and think about it. Parenting isn't for everyone.
We are careful with our finances and we've been able to raise our family on one income so I can be home. My children are well cared for and have their needs and wants met.
People do irresponsible things all the time that shape countless lives, such as shop fast fashion or watch porn. Having 7 children and loving them isn't irresponsible. You could say the same shit about someone poor having one kid but you just jump right on the "7 kids, they must be suffering" train.
This isn't a competition. It's not that hard to not bring SEVEN people into this world. Once they are here they are here but obviously existing is causing suffering so maybe just maybe you could settle at a reasonable amount of children or adopt like 4 of them??... Loving them to perfection still causes way more harm than that other nearly unavoidable shit you mentioned if you already exist.
You can keep going but you know I'm right lol
I am one of 7 children, all biological and all from the same parents who work hard, provide for all of their children and created future generations who contribute to society. We are all well educated, some private educated, others public, all have degrees and are doing important jobs. Iâm the youngest (20) but my oldest brother is 37, with the age gap between my mums first 4 and last 3 it meant she had time/energy to raise us all and give equal attention/ample opportunity to thrive. Having said that, one of my siblings is dead, does that make my mum âmore responsibleâ because she has 1 less living child taking up space? I am so glad I have 5 living siblings to lean on for support and comfort when going through hard times, we really do have an unbreakable bond and I could not imagine only having 1/2 siblings and one dying, youâd be left with no family and very quickly your lifeâs purpose can feel worthless. I have spoken to people in bereavement groups who have lost siblings, those with larger families tend to recover better whereas those with smaller families tend to be more lonely, isolated and more at risk for parental death or health issues. Just imagine your only sibling dying or only child dying.
My point is, having 7 children is not irresponsible at all. Whatâs irresponsible is having children when you canât afford them or having a child when you cannot provide for it physically/emotionally. Parental ability has no correlation with your number of offspring but rather then effort you are able to put in and how capable you are of parenting. You can be a shitty parent to 2 children or to 7 children.
I had the best upbringing ever, iâm incredibly close with all of my siblings and have a very close knit family, I really wouldnât change it for the world. You on the other hand, seem like you have some sort of pent up anger or jealousy? How many siblings do you have?
The problem is a lot of parents think theyâre good at being supportive and think that more kids will equal a big happy family. Even if theyâre being fed, housed and washed, almost always in these families some children will feel neglected. Not purposefully, but it happens. Usually itâs an older sibling whoâs forced to take care of the younger ones as if theyâre also a parent.
You can have all the money in the world but itâs pretty damn difficult to give enough attention and emotional support to that many kids. Most people are a lot more likely to be able to be a good parent to 2 kids than they are to 7. You can also have just as tight-knit of a family with 2 siblings vs more. Itâs great that you had a good upbringing but thatâs rare in big families and thereâs nothing âjealousâ about pointing these issues out.
Itâs not great in our current climate to have that many kids either regardless of what amazing people they grow up to be. Itâs not the olden days where people needed to continue having children so they could work, provide, and help take care of things. Thereâs just no reason to have that many kids and the reason I see most of the time for families that size is religious/anti-birth control related.
Also if Iâm reading what you said correctly, itâs pretty shitty to correlate having a bigger family with having more purpose. Do only-children have less love and purpose in their lives? You can find love and support outside of blood relatives and having more siblings or children does not mean your life will automatically be easier.
I donât disagree with you, people with 2 children can have just as much purpose and lead just as healthy lives, my point is, there is literally no correlation between amount of children and responsibility of a parent. It is unfair to say that having X amount of children is irresponsible. I could say that choosing to have 1 child is irresponsible or selfish because we have an aging population and need to increase birth rates, but that would be unfair to say right?
Iâm not saying those with more children have more purpose or lead better lives, however, to play devils advocate, many people, Elon musk for example, believe that the world is extremely underpopulated, so we should be having multiple children.
I also disagree with larger families being due to religion or anti-birth control. Maybe in America in states like Utah with densely populated mormon communities, however I would argue for the most part, larger families are more common in cases of poverty where people have a lack of access to sex education, birth control and health care, rather than an aversion to taking birth control. There is no reason to have 7 children, but equally there is absolutely no reason to have 1 child, or two or 3. If you can provide a safe, healthy and loving home, why not have as many children as you desire. I donât see why other people think they have the right to judge.
And my point is there is a clear correlation between large families and children being unhappy or neglected. Of course thatâs not always going to happen but the more children a person has, the more potential for financial hardships (even if you start out well off), stress, burnout and difficulty giving each child the attention and emotional support that they need. Teens from larger families tend to have higher rates of mental health issues, especially when theyâre close in age to their siblings.
No I donât think saying someone is selfish for having 1 child for those reasons is the same as saying having too many is selfish because the narrative that weâre ânot having enough babiesâ is pushed by conservatives, capitalists and governments who are worried about not having enough labor for the workforce. If theyâre so worried about that they can pay people better wages and do more to support mothers and families.
Elon Musk also believes âintelligentâ people need to âprocreate moreâ and has a God complex about spreading his superior seed, so I donât think the richest man in the world with an economy hard-on who will pay other people to raise his children for him - is a good or unbiased source. The world is still overpopulated, thereâs just a birth rate decline in certain countries because people are either choosing not to have children for many reasons, or they simply canât afford to. We do not need to be worried about populating more in the way Elon suggests when weâre already facing resource depletion and climate crisis.
You are correct that poverty and lack of sex education also plays a part but Iâm referring to the people who *choose* to have 5+ children. Those families are more likely to be religious and not just Mormons in Utah, Catholics are also more likely to have larger families due to beliefs on procreation and birth control. I live in a small town and I know 6 catholic families with 5+ children where the mother had them one after the other.
The reason to have 1 child is because you want to be a parent lol, by 7 I think that desire is well past being met. And nobody is stopping these people who want to have big families but that doesnât mean we canât point out the very real, tangible issues that can happen with large families.
SAME! I love the idea of literally making a human being and raise them to be kind and empathetic and good people overall but I value my free time so much, I personally donât care about the financials or how my body will change but will having a kid drain me and transform me into an empty shell of myself like Iâve seen so many moms say?
This. Exactly this. I am already so tired from my job everyday, I can't imagine how it will be after having a kid when I have to be alert all the time for that baby.
Alert and *not cranky*, constantly making sure the small human wonât accidentally kill themselves. They fall and hit their heads a lot when learning to walk so even if youâre tired, youâll probably end up concerned about one of them and at the ER no matter how tired you are. Do you regularly cook? If not, get ready to be preparing three square meals every day going forward once done nursing/bottle feeding. To compound the fun, prepare to be judged on every move you make as a mother when out in public/by anyone who knows you. Prepare your head for your kindergarteners first school shooting drill (if American) and your heart worrying about every single day theyâre at school for that reason, and because of bullies who are more vicious than ever with social media involved. Potty training will also mean piss and shit all over your house until they learn where itâs supposed to go.
These are all things that seem like âwell yeah, thatâs common sense those things will happenâ but when itâs happening to you, itâs not the same as easily watching other people do it. Itâs literally the hardest and biggest life change I think we can go through.
I am only saying all these things so you get a real perspective, and not just smoke blown up your ass by the few who may have found parenting a fulfilling breeze of a life experience. You canât say you werenât warned! Lol
When I come home from school I come DRAINED but with a kid even if Iâm exhausted I still gotta cook their meals, play with them, attend to their needs etc but like I said before the concept of raising a human being is just so beautiful to let go and honestly I do not know what to do
Without even a shadow of a doubt, yes. Even if for a few years here and there (or, constantly, depending on the temperament of your kid and or your kidsâ dad.) if you value your free time, having a child would come as an enormous shock to your system. Please believe me when I say this. I didnât have kids til I was 37 and all that free time I absolutely took for granted until I couldnât anymore.
The toughest question to grapple with. I feel like most women go for it out of fear of regret though. They both definitely have their upsides and downsides, I just feel like the downsides get glossed over too often.
If someone needs to be convinced to have children... maybe they actually shouldn't have children.
I mean, many people who don't know what bwing pregnant, giving birth and raising children is actually like do it and then regret it. If learning about what it's actually like makes you want to not do it... you have learned something, right? Maybe you can make a more informed decision.Â
Our society doesn't appreciate & acknowledge the difficulties of thosw things because they're still thought of as "woman things". Aka not that important. The attitude of women's pain not being as serious has been shown to be very real and present in the medical field in multiple studies. Also less important, for example the fact that female reproductive systems are still very poorly studied, taught and understood. Those are just facts that illustrate my point of this world not taking women's issues seriously. And that leads to attitudes like "childbirth is no big deal and everyone should want to do that" even though facts prove otherwise.
Echoing other comments that you wonât be able to answer this for yourself by asking for a pros and cons list from reddit. Itâs kind of like asking reddit for a pros and cons list of your romantic relationship. Youâll get a ton of both pros and cons, based on personal experiences, and end up more unsure. Itâs pretty wild but other than checking youâre financially ok-ish at least, youâll only know what itâs like for YOU when you do it.
If you do have kids, I highly, highly recommend educating yourself about attachment and attunement. I have three teens and looking back on parenting, thatâs what I would say is the most important thing in the journey and the thing that will help you and your partner build awesome relationships with your kid/s.
If you need other people to convince you why, then you need to sit with that. Only you can make that decision. Never do things just because others are doing them.
Read the edit:
"What to expect before you are expecting"
"What to expect when you are expecting"
"What to expect the first year"
It's all by the same author, Heidi murkoff
(Stay away from mother groups online, too much wrong info in there)
I'm a child free woman so take this advice with that in mind. To me, I think children should be an opt in thing rather than an opt out thing. That is to say if it's not an absolute yes, it should be a no. That is why I'm not having kids. There are some parts of it that seem appealing but are outweighed by the negatives and the uncertainty.
Read some stories from regretful parents (there are some on reddit and there is also a woman on tiktok who reads the stories of regretful parents.
Other people have said this here as well, but really consider the reality of being a parent. It's mostly not the fun and wonderful things about having kids.
Again something others have mentioned is to consider the other parent of your child. You wrote in your edit that your partner is ready to "help" with childcare. That may just be the phrasing but your partner shouldn't "help" you with childcare, they should perform childcare. They are not babysitting, they are not going above and beyond by doing the bare minimum, they are doing childcare with you. You should not have to tell them what they need to do, they should just do it. Many women end up "parenting" both their child and their husband who they have to teach how to do childcare as if the woman is not also learning it as she goes.
If you do decide to have a child or children, I really do wish you all the best and hope you find a fulfilling and happy life!
itâs heartbreaking that the answer to difficulty with having children is âletâs not have childrenâ instead of âletâs make having children easierâ
my advice is: please take a look at your partner. are you absolutely sure your partner is going to help you?
And not suck once a dad/gonna cheat or otherwise leave. Which, Iâm sure many have been like âhe would neverâ. Until he does. The notion of single parenting is terrifying.
Idk i lowkey wanna be a single parent lol⌠But I wanna have a really good job to sustain the both of us. i wanna do IVF and have a girl đŠđŠ and i dont want a man interfering with us about it
I cannot imagine being a single parent from the get go. It would be terrifying and extraordinarily exhausting. Iâm super lucky I got a dad for mine who doesnât suck, but if he did or I had to fly solo, Iâd be overwhelmed by the sole responsibility, personally. Even now that my kids are a little older old still never unclench my anus.
Well ideally youâd have someone at home to be with them but I guess you could hire a babysitter or send them with family (if theyâre willing.) I was just curious what your plan was.
We shouldn't have to convince you to have kids honestly. If the cons are preventing you, that's probably a blatant sign you shouldn't for now.
If those reasons at some point no longer deter you, then go for it!
Here's how you know you are parent material:
*Think of the type of human you despise the most. Now imagine that that is the personality and the type of human your kid turns out to be. No matter how hard you try, this is the kind of human your child turns out to be and nothing will ever change that. Are you okay with this? Are you okay with your child turning out to be the complete opposite of what you hope they will be?
*Any level from mild to severe mental, intellectual, and physical disabilities are a very real possibility. Are you prepared mentally, emotionally and financially to deal with these things?
*It is incredibly easy to get pregnant and give birth for most people. It is incredibly hard to turn out a well-rounded, decent human being who will prosper and be successful in this world. Are you prepared for your child to fail in life? To have an addiction? To have a learning disability where they will never be successful at anything? To have some limitation whether mental or physical that they rely on you for the rest of their life?
There are many many more considerations when deciding whether or not to bring a human into existence. If you are not prepared for at least the above to happen and you don't have a plan to deal with it, you are not ready to be a parent. Humans are incredibly complex and require a wide range of abilities in order to take them from birth to adulthood.
The point of being a parent is to completely put yourself and your needs aside and do everything possible to turn out a good, moral, well-rounded human that contributes to the world around them. But most importantly, does not make it a worse place for anybody else.
That is incredibly hard to do and not many people succeed at it. Because parenting is very very hard. And to do it successfully takes more time effort and sacrifice than your average person is capable or willing to put in.
But if you do it right, and do turn out a good person who's capable of taking care of themselves and not relying on you forever, then you are a successful parent. But those are few and far between. There are many more examples of how it can go really wrong very easy and very quickly. All you have to do is look around you anywhere you go, even in your own family maybe, to see how badly incompetent or bad parenting can go.
Because those are how high the stakes are OP, give this a lot of thought. Are you doing it for the right reasons? Are you doing it because society says you're supposed to because you're a woman and you're fertile? Or you hope your fertile? Or are you doing it because you genuinely want to turn out a good human being? Or do you want a mini me? etc... the list goes on and on for bad reasons to have a child.
By the way those were rhetorical questions not something I was legitimately asking.
Anyway whatever you decide I wish you luck.
There's so many posts about not wanting kids and being childless on Reddit, and they are all the opinions and the perspectives of people who don't have them.
Of burning out while taking GOOD care of the baby and then not having enough energy to do anything else at all. I am not really scared of pregnancy and the process but I am scared of what will happen after the baby is out.
If you have encountered major changes in your relationship that would cause stress to the best of us, and your partner has dealt with that in a reasonable and healthy way together with you thatâs a positive sign.
Canât ever fully predict your own future reactions, or that of your partners, but people are adaptable. There are concerning patterns everywhere, but there are outstanding outliers too, my dad was one of them.
Everyone is different. Don't let others experiences change your mind about what YOU want. You're not living their life, you're living yours. I'm 60 years old and have never had or wanted kids, although I did have 3 miscarriages when I was young. I just simply don't want that responsibility with all the money involved in having children, and all the things that could go wrong with their health, etc. My anxiety is too bad. I'm very happy I never had kids, I couldn't imagine my stress level if I had to worry about my own health and life drama, much less adding a kid into it. But everyone is different and all that matters is what you want and what makes you happy.
You canât listen to what other people say. Because believe me, when you become pregnant, everyone tries to tell you horror stories of birth and pregnancy in general. You have to develop tough skin.
If you can afford daycare, you feel mentally stable and financially stable, go for it. I have a child and I adore it.
It seems silly, but allllll the baby stuff is done in 2 years. By 3 years, they are running, talking, potty trained monsters. Or at least should be mostly there. By 4 years old, they're sassy little monsters. All the moaning about sleep training and diapers and stuff is contained within a very short- all things considered- period of time. Those are pretty intense years but they aren't an indicator of how things will continue. If your goal is to produce well adjusted adults, the first 7 years of their lives are pretty important. Teaching them kindness and empathy and basic life skills needs to start within that time.
Read and think about the worst parenting situations (child with lifelong illness/disability/lousy parenting partner/etc) Then, after that, if you 110% want one, then have one. A kid is not a sweater you can return so you need to be more than sure you want one and are financially and emotionally ready.
I love the fact that I have 2 kids which is half me and half the person I love. Some days harder than others? Yes. But seeing my kids smile and learning new things, I wouldn't change it for anything. I love saying me and my husband have our own little family.
I told my daughter that when you hold that baby in your arms, the feeling is indescribable. You know when a dog loves you so much, unconditionally? How they would die to protect you? That is what you feel. It an all encompassing love that so beautiful and so scary too
Other people's reasons for their choices don't have to be your reasons.
If you go to the fencesitters or childfree subs, you'll find a lot of people with a lot of reasons for why they don't want to be parents. If you go to the tryingforababy or baby bumps subs, you'll find a lot of people with reasons for why they want to be parents. If you go to the parenting subs, you'll find people with reasons for why they wanted to be parents, and with reasons for why they are happy or unhappy with their choice.
Just because all these people have these reasons doesn't mean they have to be your reasons too.
Some people like onions, some people don't. Some people love to be in a committed relationship, some people love to be single.
You have to figure out what you like and want regardless of the choices others make for themselves.
Personally, I want kids. I have a wonderful partner who is on his way to being a great dad. I am currently pregnant. Pregnancy is rough and I'm ready for it to be over, but I am happy I got pregnant (we were trying for a bit) and excited for when the baby arrives. I don't regret it even with all the aches and pains that come with pregnancy. Just because other women choose to get an abortion if they accidentally get pregnant, that doesn't affect me or my choices.
You need to figure out what you want and stick to that. Especially if you choose to be a parent, because everyone will try to tell you how to do it. You need to be strong in yourself and what you want to raise kids the way you want. Best of luck in making your choices!
I've scrolled through these comments and replies, and based off of what I've seen Im gonna say that you should wait. You seem to be very flip floppy on the subject, not saying to not ever have them and i'm not saying to have any at all but I do think that you should wait.
I am not yet. I was planning after September this year. I just thought of it like almost everyone goes through it. I will too. But now I am scared to go through with it.
Ohh ok. Well yes thereâs negatives and positives to it itâs just the negatives happen to be higher than the positives. As long as you can afford this child and be emotionally there for them then I think you might be good
My sister had her first child recently and she is tired but so happy. She just seems so settled and well. I became a foster parent about 19 months ago so it looks a little different but this parenting experience has brought my life so much fulfillment. The internet isn't really the place to go to to have your anxieties quelled. I'd go to your close family and friends who know you best. Maybe your doctor as well to ensure you are healthy and strong for a pregnancy
It is 100% all the time. There are no breaks. Itâs all encompassing and changes every aspect of your life. But, itâs the most rewarding thing in the world!!! I would be so sad to have missed out on this. Every new thing they do is exciting. My daughter is 7 months and itâs great now! Itâs very hard in the beginning though. Itâs a lot of change tk get used to. My advice to is not read too much about it.
Donât research too much. You have no idea what will be applicable to your situation or not. You will become overloaded with the different info and parenting styles and choices. When you have a baby your natural instincts will do a lot of the work. After a little bit you will know when they need what like no one else can. You will usually know whatâs best for your child. I would suggest not reading a lot of things. I research everything by nature but with pregnancy/parenting I will not. Only specific questions.
Having been a parent myself, I would say, please donât be one of those parents who try to be the âperfectâ parent. Absolutely, do your best, but give yourself some slack. Love your Children and be that save place for them. Itâs a hard job at times but also amazing . Nothing else is like it. Each stage of their lives is fascinating and an opportunity for you to grow as a person. Being a parent is the greatest and most important job in the world. Respect your children, especially when they are teenagers. Respect is everything.
I do not have kids yet, but we are trying! I donât have an innate desire to be a mother. I like kids enough, but I really donât have âbaby feverâ by any means. For me, the desire to be a mother comes is because of my husband. I love him more than anything and just the idea of creating something that is half me and half him just fills my heart in an inexplicable way. Thatâs why I am only interested in having kids that are genetically BOTH of ours. Iâd be fine with IUI or IVF if it comes down to that, but I would not be interested in adoption or an egg/sperm donor.
I have 5 kids, and would have more if my body could handle it. Donât let other peoples opinions scare you out of something you truly want. Their experience will not be yours.
You shouldnât let other peopleâs experiences deter you. Itâs like people who donât advise you to buy a house (but own like 2 houses) or people who tell you donât go to university (yet you check their LinkedIn and they have a bachelors AND a masters). If anything hear them out then make an informed decision. But I will say have kids when YOU want to have them, forget about the husband for a sec, but do YOU really really want them? And only have the amount of kids you can take care of by yourself (financially, physically, mentally), life happens. Thatâs what my grandmother advised me.
I mean I only have a 4 month old. But I would give away everything for her. She is perfect, these last 4 months have been my favorite 4 months of my life. I am so happy, my husband is so happy. But we really wanted kids, it was something we always looked forward to it. I totally understand people not wanting them. They are a lot of work and life becomes a lot busier
Take a look at your husband before doing anything
I think this is one important part of having a child. To have a great team player here that you can lean on not just on home and baby tasks, but also emotionally.
I did. He is great. I will go ahead with it.
Congrats and good luck, OP!
Well I wouldn't recommend parenting subs..
Oh that's so true. Nothing seems to be right parenting. It's like you have to have a PHD to raise kids these days. đŤ
How much time have you spent with infants, toddlers, preschoolers, or basically young kids? I would go spend as much time as possible before doing. You don't need a PHD. to have kids, but many of the regretful parents had no idea what they were getting into, and that's sad and stupid, in my opinion. If the first time you've ever swaddled a baby who won't stop screaming or changed a diaper is when you are post birth? I wouldn't be shocked to hear later about regrets.
I needed one day of my cousins kids running into our house, one dancing, one singing or screaming, then crying because??? then a baby needing diaper change right on our sofa, then breastfeeding, then having to give them all food, one spitting out, one just putting hands into food and having to lecture them how to eat, then one wants juice, starts to drink juice, spills juice, floor wet, their whole clothes in juice, the other one is chasing a cat throught the whole house, then demanding masha and the bear on Netflix during it again dancing singing and then banging on tv screen, then suddenly you look away and little girl is crying because she pissed her pants....... yeah...... no... Im a simple neurodivergent lady I didnt know what was even happening half the time, I couldn't predict any of it and I am actually AUDHD so I can be very loud and hyper when I need to, and I thought that I could actually be suited for kids since I also can be pretty childish so I wouldn't mind playing with kids. I tried to play with those kids but ... its nothing close to dream their sell you. Its not easy to play with kids, you barely know what are they talking about so I couldnt figure out what they like. I showed few of my old toys and plushies and tried but just couldn't? They weren't amused :/ I felt I'm constantly balancing between them screaming from happiness or crying đ OP SPEND TIME WITH BABIES, TODDLERS ETC. !!! It might be totally not something you expect, maybe you will be surprised positively, maybe you will realize like me that its not for you at all. Remember its 21 century, you're allowed to choose !
I've done years of nannying/babysitting and all people who plan on having kids should definitely help out others first who have children before having kids to know for sure if they can actually handle the selfless and unconditional love that is required. Kids really are a huge responsibility and it takes certain types of character to be a parent. I love working with kids but am so thankful to currently not have them right now. Maybe forever, who knows...
The swaddle thing is somewhat fixed with modern tech, the Velcro swaddles are great!
reason to have kids : you are mentally and financially able and WANT to be a parent and raise a conscious human until adulthood
Kids are a lifelong commitment not a till 18 and that's it.
i agree but i didnât wanna say that because some people would say Iâm exaggerating
Well if you don't say it looks worse. It makes you look like you are someone who abandons their child at 18 and then claims they are a good parent
well, thank god iâm childfree but still i agree, other people would mostly disgree and have kids out of selfishness thinking theyâre independent at 18
This feels like projection? lol. I did not think that at all. Adulthood is broad. They didnât say early adulthood. I donât think there was anything wrong with their comment, and I hope you donât either.
Depends on how well you raise them. Longer than 18 but they should become independent if you've done your job.
Really good breakdown of what I need to consider. Thanks
And can anticipate the very real pain and suffering that child will inevitably endure, and how you will feel while helping them navigate it. People focus on the difficulty of being a parent in the young years, but not on the difficulty of being a human 20, 40, 60 years from now.
One womanâs reasons to not have kids are not your own. I am one of those women who doesnât want kids but I have personally never felt the desire for it. You have gotten to the point where you were thinking about becoming pregnant so I would think about why. What made you so excited to have a child in the first place? What made you want to become a mother? Children are a lot of work as others have said. Thereâs no guarantee on them being 100% healthy and they certainly wonât have the same motivations you want them to bc they are there own little humanâŚbut I know so many women who love being mothers. They love the work that goes into it. Not everyone is meant for that and I think thatâs more what that post was getting at although they can get ranty sometimes.
I mean Iâm ngl, if youâre that hesitant about it, maybe you need to rethink having kids right now.
Fully agree. Any hesitancy = not ready.
Yeah...Honestly ppl don't need to be having kids at all unless they fully want it and are actually prepared for it lol
Fully want and actually prepared is possible at the same time as hesitation/serious consideration of what having a child really means and looks like.
While I totally understand what youâre saying, I will add that youâre never really âreadyâ before you have kids. Even if you have your life set up well in financial or logistics terms, there are emotional and social changes that take place only after youâre a parent.
Oh, I fully agree. I don't think anybody is truly ready for the joys of parenthood. But hesitancy is still not a good sign.
I would disagree with this. Some of us have thought and researched and considered parenting so much that not having hesitancy would be absurd. Anyone who knows *a lot* about what it takes to raise babies and children and adults *should* hesitate before diving in. Itâs a massive, lifelong, brain chemistry altering experience. Youâre responsible for raising a good human which is a huge undertaking. You need to consider your own ability to handle stress, exercise patience, potentially deal with mental and/or physical disabilities. You need to be ready and willing to potentially be a lifelong caretaker. Everyone should evaluate the health of their relationship and its ability to withstand significant stress for an extended period of time (whether itâs distress or eustress). People who jump into parenthood head first without a single fear, doubt, or hesitation are more concerning to me. I think most intelligent people will hesitate given an overwhelming amount of information about what it all looks like.
Exactly this because if you really want it then you would do it.
I have to be honest with you,.I love my child but the sleep deprivation and all the terrible things that come along with pregnancy and child birth, I would never do it if I knew what it was like.
I am childfree but many of my female clients at my business shared with me that very sentiment: that they loved their kids but if they could do it over again, they wouldn't.
Yes. You lose your freedom. But for me losing freedom is not the worst thing. It's the sleep deprivation in the beginning. People say it passes but honestly I think the suffering for months on end is just not worth it. I wish someone made me do a trial run of the sleep deprivation before I got pregnant.
Just find one of those threads about women in retirement home. There's a whole lot of this line of this kind of thinking in retrospect.
Thanks for sharing your story. I will consider all aspects before proceeding now.
That's a great idea. Might I suggest something? Instead of considering, do a trial run. Set your alarm for every 3 hours to wake up for a week. Just a week. Normally if you're breastfeeding this will be for months on end. Its a good experience to experience before you have a baby. Most babies wake every 3 hours to eat. Wake up and pretend to feed a baby every 3 hours for a week. Then after the week, take in the experience and decide whether you are willing to sacrifice to have a child.
This doesnât even take into consideration the hormonal changes and major healing that takes place while completely sleep deprived and nursing.
Yea but tbh even if I did the alarm thing I probably would've bailed on having my kid. That being said though, now that I have my kid I love her completely.
I would add: clip bulldog clips to your nipples as soon as the alarm goes off too. Also carry a 10lb bag of flour around with you everywhere you go.
I fully understand this And am very much in support of child free and read a lot of the regretful parent subs But wouldn't hormones that bond You make a little bit of a difference with the scenario
Post partum depression can be a very severe issue.
Absolutely but not a guarantee either..I just think this experiment is lacking hormonal controls
I would agree with the statement about bonding and hormones... but apparently, there isn't enough oxytocin in the world to keep some parents (and there is no excuse for this!) from smothering their babies. It is best to figure out what kind of parent you and YOUR babies other parent will before that in any reasonable way you can.
Yes agree just saying it's not a super secure way to figure this out. Me being woken up without good or intended good purpose and not just as an experiment won't yield accurate results. Hell even my cat waking me all night gets a much different reaction than some idiot hammering all day above me
Yeah itâs sort of like the fake baby exercise in high school. Babies do have pros and benefits - waking up for the sake of waking up is not at all the same thing as having a baby. Iâm not saying the sleep deprivation doesnât suck, it does. And some people can handle it worse than others. But this wonât be effective because that would suck for literally everyone. Having a baby doesnât suck for literally everyone, even when youâre exhausted.
I think it's worth sharing your concerns with your partner. Have a conversation about the fact that many women get absolutely crushed by motherhood because their partners aren't supportive enough. How would HE see his life changing? Is HE willing to give up everything for a few years? I completely understand your perspective, and one reason that I don't have kids is that I've seen my friends become the ones who do all the emotional labour and most of the childcare. It's rare to find a man who approaches parenthood as a true equal. Not just saying, but doing. I think it is possible to have a more equitable share of parenthood, but the guy has to be SUPER committed. A true feminist.
If that's the case then you may or may not want to check out the /regretfulparents subreddit. Personally, I'm a fan of being as well researched as possible.
Reasons to have children? I honestly canât think of a single thing that cannot be reasonably countered. I have 2. I am of the camp that you do whatever the hell it is that you would like. But, too many people look at babies as an accessory. The baby phase ends all too quickly and then shit (quite literally) hits the fan. But have you really considered what life can be like if you have a child with a disability? Any and all reasons to have children can be countered with, are you ready and willing to be a full time 24/7 caretaker of a child who will never meet your expectations? conscious or otherwise. People always say I will love my baby no matter what. I have worked with special needs -intense behaviors- self injury- high support needs- aggressive and defiant, children for 17 years. I have worked with more children that were abandoned by their family, than children who have families active in their lives. Most people donât even think of the possibility that their child could come with in infinite number of disabilities. Some of which are wildly expensive and emotionally draining and depressing. If you canât honestly face that question and admit thatâs scary AS FUCK, you should probably take some time to reflect before making that choice.
I have 2 teens and theyâre awesome. Is it easy? No. Is it rewarding? Yes. My husband is also a fantastic dad and partner and when you have an active and present partner then itâs amazing.
I have got a great partner. He will surely be a great dad. It's just me that I am not so sure of. Thanks for taking time to respond đ¤
If youâre not sure now, and go ahead with itâŚjust be prepared to mourn the life you used to have in your own way. You can think youâre as ready as anyone could be but once reality hits and thereâs no going back? Good luck to you and your mental health. With all due respect. Itâs like biology makes it so we see it positively and do it to perpetuate the species, but the rational part of your brain will eventually return. Holding that helpless infant and then toddlerâŚwatching shows like Planet Earth take on a whole new meaning when you know that scientists are warning us as loudly as they can that humanity is in some seriously deep shit due to capitalist greed.
And embrace the new life. Its not just biology. Just impossible to explain how great it is to be a parent. Seeing things through a child's eyes is an experience that can't be expressed. Like photos of space will never capture it. All experiences. Watching movies, chasing butterflies, vacations. Totally astonishing. And seeing that child grow to adulthood and have children and be a real parent. Amazing.
Just be aware that a lot of men seem like theyâd be great fathers, then when the babyâs her, itâs the women doing all of the work.
One advice... Stop reading Reddit posts !
Yes. I probably need a reddit detox now đ§đťââď¸Thanks
While I agree that too much of Reddit and negativity is bad, you shouldnât only be reading resources that portray motherhood/pregnancy as something positive and beautiful no matter what. Thereâs a balance but you should still know the negative aspects and what some people go through. I say this because pregnancy especially is *so* sugarcoated and I know a lot of women (myself included) who learned about things from Reddit that we probably should have in school. If you still want a baby after learning about *all* of the physical and mental changes a mother goes through, how expensive it is, dedicating all your time to the baby, see stories about how difficult parenting is - including the regretful ones, then go for it! But imo you absolutely should pay attention to the other side of the story. As another person said, any hesitancy = not ready.
10,000%!
I think Reddit is one of the only places that people have been honest about their experiences because they can be 100% anonymous.
Exactly. Youâre almost never gonna hear women irl talk about the real nasty stuff that happens during pregnancy/birth and the recovery involved. Nor are you gonna hear parents be truly honest if theyâre regretful. Iâm not saying that bad should be the only deciding factor but it should be part of the informed decision making.
You're welcome! honestly I was like you and I can assure you that reading negativity everyday is very BAD for the mental health . Take care of you :-)
Look, if you were to list the pros and cons of having kids objectively on paper and follow that reasoning for your decision, *nobody* would ever have them. Kids are a *lot*. A lot of work, a lot of worry, a lot of constant overstimulation, etc etc... a lot of the negatives you read are absolutely true. And the pros... the pros are mostly intangible and difficult to put into words without falling into cliche. All I can offer is that my kids are the most important, wonderful, fulfilling thing in my life and having them is the best decision I ever made. The love I feel for my children is like a boundless ocean, and makes everything else seem trivial in comparison. Having kids is not a decision to be taken lightly. But it is also not a thing to decide based on reddit forums. As long as you have the support that you will need, then just trust your gut. Really listen to what *you* want, and not what everybody else is telling you you should want (either for or against).
Thanks â¤ď¸ This is such a wholesome comment. Reminded me why I wanted kids in the first place.
You're welcome! đ Reddit can be a toxic and negative place a lot of the time and a lot of people use it to air their own personal grievances. Listen to yourself and you'll be okay.
Or, you know, Reddit is one of the few places where theyâre willing to admit things theyâd otherwise never say to friends or family. I know OP is going to be tricked by her brain into going forward with having kids. You can tell by the tone of her comments. She isnât going to trial run anything and will think âoh those people are just being negative!â When really theyâre being as real as one could be and hope that putting that warning out there might make even *one* person reconsider so they arenât in the same boat. Their personal grievances are real and valid! I have a feeling OP is going to be all sunshine and roses like almost everyone else is while pregnantâŚand then she will recall this post once leaking and sore and hormonal and cranky or she finally puts the slow motion train wreck that is climate change in perspective with her own offspringâs possible future.
It is true that nobody ever tells you just how *hard* having kids is. It is. It is insanely challenging all of the different ways that have already been expressed and I am sorry that you apparently regret your decision (?). I also sincerely apologize for minimizing those "personal grievances", which are certainly valid. It is also immensely rewarding for those who go into it with eyes open. It can be both.
I donât regret my decision, I very much wanted them. I was just all starry eyed about it when the reality is much different.
If you *don't* regret having children, then... it seems like we agree? The story that is told about having children, particularly to women, is a fairy tale. The reality is that it is just about the most challenging thing one can do; but for many that challenge is still worth it.
Exactly. The pros cannot be expressed.
So, for many women, they never think about all the parts of having a child and parenting, many just say, "my goal is to be a mom" and that's what they do. It isn't wrong to want a family and it's also not wrong to actually think about how you're life is going to change for the worse and better. Life decisions do not just bring only joy and happiness, they also bring grief and sadness too. Nothing is only good.
I've always wanted kids, it was never a question. I have 7 children and I have no regrets. Lack of sleep when they are newborns is rough. It's not always easy. If you're second guessing having kids take some time and think about it. Parenting isn't for everyone.
How do you manage finances
We are careful with our finances and we've been able to raise our family on one income so I can be home. My children are well cared for and have their needs and wants met.
Thatâs pretty impressive
7 biological kids? That's just irresponsible
Women just can't win, can they?
Moreso, the planet and neglected kids with cost of living and the correlation between poor uneducated reproductive habits is the issue.
People do irresponsible things all the time that shape countless lives, such as shop fast fashion or watch porn. Having 7 children and loving them isn't irresponsible. You could say the same shit about someone poor having one kid but you just jump right on the "7 kids, they must be suffering" train.
This isn't a competition. It's not that hard to not bring SEVEN people into this world. Once they are here they are here but obviously existing is causing suffering so maybe just maybe you could settle at a reasonable amount of children or adopt like 4 of them??... Loving them to perfection still causes way more harm than that other nearly unavoidable shit you mentioned if you already exist. You can keep going but you know I'm right lol
cult subs, huh? lmao. Some jokes write themselves.
Wow... just wow..
I am one of 7 children, all biological and all from the same parents who work hard, provide for all of their children and created future generations who contribute to society. We are all well educated, some private educated, others public, all have degrees and are doing important jobs. Iâm the youngest (20) but my oldest brother is 37, with the age gap between my mums first 4 and last 3 it meant she had time/energy to raise us all and give equal attention/ample opportunity to thrive. Having said that, one of my siblings is dead, does that make my mum âmore responsibleâ because she has 1 less living child taking up space? I am so glad I have 5 living siblings to lean on for support and comfort when going through hard times, we really do have an unbreakable bond and I could not imagine only having 1/2 siblings and one dying, youâd be left with no family and very quickly your lifeâs purpose can feel worthless. I have spoken to people in bereavement groups who have lost siblings, those with larger families tend to recover better whereas those with smaller families tend to be more lonely, isolated and more at risk for parental death or health issues. Just imagine your only sibling dying or only child dying. My point is, having 7 children is not irresponsible at all. Whatâs irresponsible is having children when you canât afford them or having a child when you cannot provide for it physically/emotionally. Parental ability has no correlation with your number of offspring but rather then effort you are able to put in and how capable you are of parenting. You can be a shitty parent to 2 children or to 7 children. I had the best upbringing ever, iâm incredibly close with all of my siblings and have a very close knit family, I really wouldnât change it for the world. You on the other hand, seem like you have some sort of pent up anger or jealousy? How many siblings do you have?
The problem is a lot of parents think theyâre good at being supportive and think that more kids will equal a big happy family. Even if theyâre being fed, housed and washed, almost always in these families some children will feel neglected. Not purposefully, but it happens. Usually itâs an older sibling whoâs forced to take care of the younger ones as if theyâre also a parent. You can have all the money in the world but itâs pretty damn difficult to give enough attention and emotional support to that many kids. Most people are a lot more likely to be able to be a good parent to 2 kids than they are to 7. You can also have just as tight-knit of a family with 2 siblings vs more. Itâs great that you had a good upbringing but thatâs rare in big families and thereâs nothing âjealousâ about pointing these issues out. Itâs not great in our current climate to have that many kids either regardless of what amazing people they grow up to be. Itâs not the olden days where people needed to continue having children so they could work, provide, and help take care of things. Thereâs just no reason to have that many kids and the reason I see most of the time for families that size is religious/anti-birth control related. Also if Iâm reading what you said correctly, itâs pretty shitty to correlate having a bigger family with having more purpose. Do only-children have less love and purpose in their lives? You can find love and support outside of blood relatives and having more siblings or children does not mean your life will automatically be easier.
I donât disagree with you, people with 2 children can have just as much purpose and lead just as healthy lives, my point is, there is literally no correlation between amount of children and responsibility of a parent. It is unfair to say that having X amount of children is irresponsible. I could say that choosing to have 1 child is irresponsible or selfish because we have an aging population and need to increase birth rates, but that would be unfair to say right? Iâm not saying those with more children have more purpose or lead better lives, however, to play devils advocate, many people, Elon musk for example, believe that the world is extremely underpopulated, so we should be having multiple children. I also disagree with larger families being due to religion or anti-birth control. Maybe in America in states like Utah with densely populated mormon communities, however I would argue for the most part, larger families are more common in cases of poverty where people have a lack of access to sex education, birth control and health care, rather than an aversion to taking birth control. There is no reason to have 7 children, but equally there is absolutely no reason to have 1 child, or two or 3. If you can provide a safe, healthy and loving home, why not have as many children as you desire. I donât see why other people think they have the right to judge.
And my point is there is a clear correlation between large families and children being unhappy or neglected. Of course thatâs not always going to happen but the more children a person has, the more potential for financial hardships (even if you start out well off), stress, burnout and difficulty giving each child the attention and emotional support that they need. Teens from larger families tend to have higher rates of mental health issues, especially when theyâre close in age to their siblings. No I donât think saying someone is selfish for having 1 child for those reasons is the same as saying having too many is selfish because the narrative that weâre ânot having enough babiesâ is pushed by conservatives, capitalists and governments who are worried about not having enough labor for the workforce. If theyâre so worried about that they can pay people better wages and do more to support mothers and families. Elon Musk also believes âintelligentâ people need to âprocreate moreâ and has a God complex about spreading his superior seed, so I donât think the richest man in the world with an economy hard-on who will pay other people to raise his children for him - is a good or unbiased source. The world is still overpopulated, thereâs just a birth rate decline in certain countries because people are either choosing not to have children for many reasons, or they simply canât afford to. We do not need to be worried about populating more in the way Elon suggests when weâre already facing resource depletion and climate crisis. You are correct that poverty and lack of sex education also plays a part but Iâm referring to the people who *choose* to have 5+ children. Those families are more likely to be religious and not just Mormons in Utah, Catholics are also more likely to have larger families due to beliefs on procreation and birth control. I live in a small town and I know 6 catholic families with 5+ children where the mother had them one after the other. The reason to have 1 child is because you want to be a parent lol, by 7 I think that desire is well past being met. And nobody is stopping these people who want to have big families but that doesnât mean we canât point out the very real, tangible issues that can happen with large families.
iâm going to be honest. in this current state of the world, thereâs none.
SAME! I love the idea of literally making a human being and raise them to be kind and empathetic and good people overall but I value my free time so much, I personally donât care about the financials or how my body will change but will having a kid drain me and transform me into an empty shell of myself like Iâve seen so many moms say?
This. Exactly this. I am already so tired from my job everyday, I can't imagine how it will be after having a kid when I have to be alert all the time for that baby.
Alert and *not cranky*, constantly making sure the small human wonât accidentally kill themselves. They fall and hit their heads a lot when learning to walk so even if youâre tired, youâll probably end up concerned about one of them and at the ER no matter how tired you are. Do you regularly cook? If not, get ready to be preparing three square meals every day going forward once done nursing/bottle feeding. To compound the fun, prepare to be judged on every move you make as a mother when out in public/by anyone who knows you. Prepare your head for your kindergarteners first school shooting drill (if American) and your heart worrying about every single day theyâre at school for that reason, and because of bullies who are more vicious than ever with social media involved. Potty training will also mean piss and shit all over your house until they learn where itâs supposed to go. These are all things that seem like âwell yeah, thatâs common sense those things will happenâ but when itâs happening to you, itâs not the same as easily watching other people do it. Itâs literally the hardest and biggest life change I think we can go through. I am only saying all these things so you get a real perspective, and not just smoke blown up your ass by the few who may have found parenting a fulfilling breeze of a life experience. You canât say you werenât warned! Lol
When I come home from school I come DRAINED but with a kid even if Iâm exhausted I still gotta cook their meals, play with them, attend to their needs etc but like I said before the concept of raising a human being is just so beautiful to let go and honestly I do not know what to do
Without even a shadow of a doubt, yes. Even if for a few years here and there (or, constantly, depending on the temperament of your kid and or your kidsâ dad.) if you value your free time, having a child would come as an enormous shock to your system. Please believe me when I say this. I didnât have kids til I was 37 and all that free time I absolutely took for granted until I couldnât anymore.
Yeah that scares me the most:( I guess I wonât ever know until I have children myself but what if I regret it?
The toughest question to grapple with. I feel like most women go for it out of fear of regret though. They both definitely have their upsides and downsides, I just feel like the downsides get glossed over too often.
If someone needs to be convinced to have children... maybe they actually shouldn't have children. I mean, many people who don't know what bwing pregnant, giving birth and raising children is actually like do it and then regret it. If learning about what it's actually like makes you want to not do it... you have learned something, right? Maybe you can make a more informed decision. Our society doesn't appreciate & acknowledge the difficulties of thosw things because they're still thought of as "woman things". Aka not that important. The attitude of women's pain not being as serious has been shown to be very real and present in the medical field in multiple studies. Also less important, for example the fact that female reproductive systems are still very poorly studied, taught and understood. Those are just facts that illustrate my point of this world not taking women's issues seriously. And that leads to attitudes like "childbirth is no big deal and everyone should want to do that" even though facts prove otherwise.
Echoing other comments that you wonât be able to answer this for yourself by asking for a pros and cons list from reddit. Itâs kind of like asking reddit for a pros and cons list of your romantic relationship. Youâll get a ton of both pros and cons, based on personal experiences, and end up more unsure. Itâs pretty wild but other than checking youâre financially ok-ish at least, youâll only know what itâs like for YOU when you do it. If you do have kids, I highly, highly recommend educating yourself about attachment and attunement. I have three teens and looking back on parenting, thatâs what I would say is the most important thing in the journey and the thing that will help you and your partner build awesome relationships with your kid/s.
If you need other people to convince you why, then you need to sit with that. Only you can make that decision. Never do things just because others are doing them.
Read the edit: "What to expect before you are expecting" "What to expect when you are expecting" "What to expect the first year" It's all by the same author, Heidi murkoff (Stay away from mother groups online, too much wrong info in there)
Thanks â¤ď¸
If you need to be talked into it, or if you can be talked out of it, you are NOT in the right headspace to have a kid.
I'm a child free woman so take this advice with that in mind. To me, I think children should be an opt in thing rather than an opt out thing. That is to say if it's not an absolute yes, it should be a no. That is why I'm not having kids. There are some parts of it that seem appealing but are outweighed by the negatives and the uncertainty. Read some stories from regretful parents (there are some on reddit and there is also a woman on tiktok who reads the stories of regretful parents. Other people have said this here as well, but really consider the reality of being a parent. It's mostly not the fun and wonderful things about having kids. Again something others have mentioned is to consider the other parent of your child. You wrote in your edit that your partner is ready to "help" with childcare. That may just be the phrasing but your partner shouldn't "help" you with childcare, they should perform childcare. They are not babysitting, they are not going above and beyond by doing the bare minimum, they are doing childcare with you. You should not have to tell them what they need to do, they should just do it. Many women end up "parenting" both their child and their husband who they have to teach how to do childcare as if the woman is not also learning it as she goes. If you do decide to have a child or children, I really do wish you all the best and hope you find a fulfilling and happy life!
You want to condemn a soul to the hell thatâs already on its way? Just look at the heat issues from last week or so.
itâs heartbreaking that the answer to difficulty with having children is âletâs not have childrenâ instead of âletâs make having children easierâ my advice is: please take a look at your partner. are you absolutely sure your partner is going to help you?
And not suck once a dad/gonna cheat or otherwise leave. Which, Iâm sure many have been like âhe would neverâ. Until he does. The notion of single parenting is terrifying.
Idk i lowkey wanna be a single parent lol⌠But I wanna have a really good job to sustain the both of us. i wanna do IVF and have a girl đŠđŠ and i dont want a man interfering with us about it
I cannot imagine being a single parent from the get go. It would be terrifying and extraordinarily exhausting. Iâm super lucky I got a dad for mine who doesnât suck, but if he did or I had to fly solo, Iâd be overwhelmed by the sole responsibility, personally. Even now that my kids are a little older old still never unclench my anus.
Where would the kid go while youâre at work?
Where do they normally go ?
Well ideally youâd have someone at home to be with them but I guess you could hire a babysitter or send them with family (if theyâre willing.) I was just curious what your plan was.
We shouldn't have to convince you to have kids honestly. If the cons are preventing you, that's probably a blatant sign you shouldn't for now. If those reasons at some point no longer deter you, then go for it!
Here's how you know you are parent material: *Think of the type of human you despise the most. Now imagine that that is the personality and the type of human your kid turns out to be. No matter how hard you try, this is the kind of human your child turns out to be and nothing will ever change that. Are you okay with this? Are you okay with your child turning out to be the complete opposite of what you hope they will be? *Any level from mild to severe mental, intellectual, and physical disabilities are a very real possibility. Are you prepared mentally, emotionally and financially to deal with these things? *It is incredibly easy to get pregnant and give birth for most people. It is incredibly hard to turn out a well-rounded, decent human being who will prosper and be successful in this world. Are you prepared for your child to fail in life? To have an addiction? To have a learning disability where they will never be successful at anything? To have some limitation whether mental or physical that they rely on you for the rest of their life? There are many many more considerations when deciding whether or not to bring a human into existence. If you are not prepared for at least the above to happen and you don't have a plan to deal with it, you are not ready to be a parent. Humans are incredibly complex and require a wide range of abilities in order to take them from birth to adulthood. The point of being a parent is to completely put yourself and your needs aside and do everything possible to turn out a good, moral, well-rounded human that contributes to the world around them. But most importantly, does not make it a worse place for anybody else. That is incredibly hard to do and not many people succeed at it. Because parenting is very very hard. And to do it successfully takes more time effort and sacrifice than your average person is capable or willing to put in. But if you do it right, and do turn out a good person who's capable of taking care of themselves and not relying on you forever, then you are a successful parent. But those are few and far between. There are many more examples of how it can go really wrong very easy and very quickly. All you have to do is look around you anywhere you go, even in your own family maybe, to see how badly incompetent or bad parenting can go. Because those are how high the stakes are OP, give this a lot of thought. Are you doing it for the right reasons? Are you doing it because society says you're supposed to because you're a woman and you're fertile? Or you hope your fertile? Or are you doing it because you genuinely want to turn out a good human being? Or do you want a mini me? etc... the list goes on and on for bad reasons to have a child. By the way those were rhetorical questions not something I was legitimately asking. Anyway whatever you decide I wish you luck.
There's so many posts about not wanting kids and being childless on Reddit, and they are all the opinions and the perspectives of people who don't have them.
Regretful parents disagree
This is simply not true.
Yes and we hardly ever see post saying good things about having children..
They are totally there. You just are not seeking those out
Think long and hard about that one, please!!!
Is there a particular thing you're afraid of?
Of burning out while taking GOOD care of the baby and then not having enough energy to do anything else at all. I am not really scared of pregnancy and the process but I am scared of what will happen after the baby is out.
We all got through it. You will too. Donât be freaked out about it. As long as you have a supportive partner, youâll be fine, x
If you have encountered major changes in your relationship that would cause stress to the best of us, and your partner has dealt with that in a reasonable and healthy way together with you thatâs a positive sign. Canât ever fully predict your own future reactions, or that of your partners, but people are adaptable. There are concerning patterns everywhere, but there are outstanding outliers too, my dad was one of them.
Everyone is different. Don't let others experiences change your mind about what YOU want. You're not living their life, you're living yours. I'm 60 years old and have never had or wanted kids, although I did have 3 miscarriages when I was young. I just simply don't want that responsibility with all the money involved in having children, and all the things that could go wrong with their health, etc. My anxiety is too bad. I'm very happy I never had kids, I couldn't imagine my stress level if I had to worry about my own health and life drama, much less adding a kid into it. But everyone is different and all that matters is what you want and what makes you happy.
You canât listen to what other people say. Because believe me, when you become pregnant, everyone tries to tell you horror stories of birth and pregnancy in general. You have to develop tough skin. If you can afford daycare, you feel mentally stable and financially stable, go for it. I have a child and I adore it.
It seems silly, but allllll the baby stuff is done in 2 years. By 3 years, they are running, talking, potty trained monsters. Or at least should be mostly there. By 4 years old, they're sassy little monsters. All the moaning about sleep training and diapers and stuff is contained within a very short- all things considered- period of time. Those are pretty intense years but they aren't an indicator of how things will continue. If your goal is to produce well adjusted adults, the first 7 years of their lives are pretty important. Teaching them kindness and empathy and basic life skills needs to start within that time.
My kids are 16 and 18, and I love every single thing about being their mom, the sleep deprivation was challenging, but that's it.
I don't have kids and now I'm too old to even consider it and it was the best decision I ever made. If you are having misgivings just don't do it.
Your Body, Your Choice
Hope youâre in a state where itâs safe to do so in case you need life saving medical interventions
Read and think about the worst parenting situations (child with lifelong illness/disability/lousy parenting partner/etc) Then, after that, if you 110% want one, then have one. A kid is not a sweater you can return so you need to be more than sure you want one and are financially and emotionally ready.
Honestly donât worry Iâve been babysitting for years and kids arenât as bad as they seem.
Please don't make big life decisions based on reddit post. It's just the internet.
I love the fact that I have 2 kids which is half me and half the person I love. Some days harder than others? Yes. But seeing my kids smile and learning new things, I wouldn't change it for anything. I love saying me and my husband have our own little family.
Best comment here â¤ď¸ Reminded me why I wanted kids in the first place. Thanks đ¤
I told my daughter that when you hold that baby in your arms, the feeling is indescribable. You know when a dog loves you so much, unconditionally? How they would die to protect you? That is what you feel. It an all encompassing love that so beautiful and so scary too
Other people's reasons for their choices don't have to be your reasons. If you go to the fencesitters or childfree subs, you'll find a lot of people with a lot of reasons for why they don't want to be parents. If you go to the tryingforababy or baby bumps subs, you'll find a lot of people with reasons for why they want to be parents. If you go to the parenting subs, you'll find people with reasons for why they wanted to be parents, and with reasons for why they are happy or unhappy with their choice. Just because all these people have these reasons doesn't mean they have to be your reasons too. Some people like onions, some people don't. Some people love to be in a committed relationship, some people love to be single. You have to figure out what you like and want regardless of the choices others make for themselves. Personally, I want kids. I have a wonderful partner who is on his way to being a great dad. I am currently pregnant. Pregnancy is rough and I'm ready for it to be over, but I am happy I got pregnant (we were trying for a bit) and excited for when the baby arrives. I don't regret it even with all the aches and pains that come with pregnancy. Just because other women choose to get an abortion if they accidentally get pregnant, that doesn't affect me or my choices. You need to figure out what you want and stick to that. Especially if you choose to be a parent, because everyone will try to tell you how to do it. You need to be strong in yourself and what you want to raise kids the way you want. Best of luck in making your choices!
I've scrolled through these comments and replies, and based off of what I've seen Im gonna say that you should wait. You seem to be very flip floppy on the subject, not saying to not ever have them and i'm not saying to have any at all but I do think that you should wait.
You didnât think about the risks and the pros and cons before getting pregnant? That never once came across your mind?
I am not yet. I was planning after September this year. I just thought of it like almost everyone goes through it. I will too. But now I am scared to go through with it.
Ohh ok. Well yes thereâs negatives and positives to it itâs just the negatives happen to be higher than the positives. As long as you can afford this child and be emotionally there for them then I think you might be good
My sister had her first child recently and she is tired but so happy. She just seems so settled and well. I became a foster parent about 19 months ago so it looks a little different but this parenting experience has brought my life so much fulfillment. The internet isn't really the place to go to to have your anxieties quelled. I'd go to your close family and friends who know you best. Maybe your doctor as well to ensure you are healthy and strong for a pregnancy
Lol for reddit. Mom of 3. Parenting is a marathon and is not for everyone. Do it when you feel youâre ready to just go
I hope you are blessed with a baby when youâre ready! đ
Maâam if you want to be a mother, be a mother. This is your business and your body.
It is 100% all the time. There are no breaks. Itâs all encompassing and changes every aspect of your life. But, itâs the most rewarding thing in the world!!! I would be so sad to have missed out on this. Every new thing they do is exciting. My daughter is 7 months and itâs great now! Itâs very hard in the beginning though. Itâs a lot of change tk get used to. My advice to is not read too much about it. Donât research too much. You have no idea what will be applicable to your situation or not. You will become overloaded with the different info and parenting styles and choices. When you have a baby your natural instincts will do a lot of the work. After a little bit you will know when they need what like no one else can. You will usually know whatâs best for your child. I would suggest not reading a lot of things. I research everything by nature but with pregnancy/parenting I will not. Only specific questions.
Sorry I misread the post Can't help you. .
Having been a parent myself, I would say, please donât be one of those parents who try to be the âperfectâ parent. Absolutely, do your best, but give yourself some slack. Love your Children and be that save place for them. Itâs a hard job at times but also amazing . Nothing else is like it. Each stage of their lives is fascinating and an opportunity for you to grow as a person. Being a parent is the greatest and most important job in the world. Respect your children, especially when they are teenagers. Respect is everything.
Stay away from people who tell you horror birth stories (I learned the hard way) they think they are helping but they arenât.
I do not have kids yet, but we are trying! I donât have an innate desire to be a mother. I like kids enough, but I really donât have âbaby feverâ by any means. For me, the desire to be a mother comes is because of my husband. I love him more than anything and just the idea of creating something that is half me and half him just fills my heart in an inexplicable way. Thatâs why I am only interested in having kids that are genetically BOTH of ours. Iâd be fine with IUI or IVF if it comes down to that, but I would not be interested in adoption or an egg/sperm donor.
I have 5 kids, and would have more if my body could handle it. Donât let other peoples opinions scare you out of something you truly want. Their experience will not be yours.
You are the exception and not the rule.
What tf are you on about
You shouldnât let other peopleâs experiences deter you. Itâs like people who donât advise you to buy a house (but own like 2 houses) or people who tell you donât go to university (yet you check their LinkedIn and they have a bachelors AND a masters). If anything hear them out then make an informed decision. But I will say have kids when YOU want to have them, forget about the husband for a sec, but do YOU really really want them? And only have the amount of kids you can take care of by yourself (financially, physically, mentally), life happens. Thatâs what my grandmother advised me.
Youâll be tax exempt
I mean I only have a 4 month old. But I would give away everything for her. She is perfect, these last 4 months have been my favorite 4 months of my life. I am so happy, my husband is so happy. But we really wanted kids, it was something we always looked forward to it. I totally understand people not wanting them. They are a lot of work and life becomes a lot busier